The Midnight News 07.28.03 

Posted By Hyatte on 07.28.03

This May Be Overstuffed, The Most Condensed Recap Ever, The Horror of Being Scooter, Hollywood Juice, Two Babes, White Women, Sting, and Message Boredom 

The topic at hand, of course, has to do with the bottom of last week’s column 

you _ARE_ fucking hyatte. you are also the fucking man. i don't think you need some nameless, faceless fucking schmuck to remind you of that but i'm fucking doing it anyway. flame a-fucking-way.

oh, and you just keep getting fucking better with age, i don't care what the fucking wanks & fucking schmoes say. fuck them, fuck me & fuck scotsman!!!!!


i am not fucking hyatte (if i were, i'd be queer)

(ps. the proliferation of profanity was intentional. i'm not an aol user and thus incapable of coherent speech.) 

(Tyler) ~fucking Cronk~

Thank you. I KNEW the good people of cyberland would understand my pain. Yes… I KNEW I could depend on you all for warm, loving support in my time of need!

Your columns are a breath of fresh air and very funny...!

You probably will make fun of me as a "mark" or whatever but it's true...You are wasted on the"Net...

Entertaining every week! 

Sunny Weebles

Thank you. You people are the BEST!!

Excerpt from The Midnight News 07.21.03 


Exactly what is “This” and why is it fucking you? 

Mike O'Brien

Actually what I mean to say is that “This” is the narrator, namely me, signing off in a smooth… oh wait, you were joking… ah… not the funniest line possible but… and a little RUDE considering I was opening up a little for once in my life you folks…. But it’s okay. I can take a little good natured joshing… ha ha… very amusing.

"I am fucking Hyatte… I am fucking Hyatte… I am fucking Hyatte… I am fucking Hyatte… I am fucking Hyatte"


Matt Biscuiti 

HEY!! Now that’s just MEAN!! Come on, brother.

Always a wiseass in the bunch… well okay… nothing I can’t handle. I know it’s done with love… I am LOVED. We have a BOND, me & you – John & Jane Q. Clueless





Walter Neff 


remember all that stuff I said up top? About feeling the love and the unique relationship I have with you people? 

Yeah, FORGET IT!! You people suck!

Hello you heartless bastards. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. You will forgive me if there are many typos in today’s column, it’s tough to type when your eyes are filled with the burning TEARS OF A SHATTERED HEART… A BROKEN SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh not from the GIRL… Jesus no… she’ll reach out to me again once she realizes I’m the closest thing to greatness she’ll ever get to… I’m talking about YOU, John and Jane Q. Moron… for letters like those.

Naaah, actually most of you seemed to have gotten the gist of what I was trying to say… one wonders if she did as well… guess we’ll find out sooner or later. Or we never will… and fucking Hyatte has NO problem with that either. (chrisgaudreaumayhaveafewmomentsofdepressionbutgaudreauisafuckingpussyassfagandihopetokillhimsoonerorlater)

And that’s IT… we have us a huge column this week…things and stuff and junk to get through… and yet ANOTHER week of next to no wrestling content to get through.

We kick things off with not one, but TWO site notes… yes, that’s right, you will get a glimpse into the INNER WORKINGS OF 411!!! Brace yourselves… 


Ohhh… maybe next week.

For right now tho’, I’m happy to bring back the GREATEST DAMN HEADLINE TITLE ANYONE HAS EVER INVENTED for one purpose and one purpose only…

No… not to plug 411’s staff… I plugged Ashish’s staff last night, that was more than enough for me (hubba, hubba, you web MASTER, you)… but to plug Flea’s site. My second column is up and I have answered many interesting questions with a firm dose of attitude, logic, and common sense. Go read it.

And when you get sick of me, go read Eric S(omething unspellable without cutting and pasting)’s debut column and Flea has also located Dave Gagnon for a new column… so the line-up grows. is the site… as Flea refuses to let go of a very old gimmick… 


Just be lucky I didn’t quote the entire Gladiator monologue for the title

This shall be a minimulistic version of the Vengence recap… thus, starting now shll rcp th shw wtht sng ny vwls

-shw pns wth Vnc, Stph, nd Zck Gwn dscssng th drmfctry knwn s wrstlng

-dd grr bt Chrs Bnt fr th . . ttl ftr Ryn grd Bnt t f hs shs

-Ths ws gddmn MT CLSSC!!!!! HRDCR WRSTLNG CTN S Y LK T!!!!!


-Jm Knbl bt Bd SS Blly Gnn nd n nxt wks Smckdwn, Trr Wlsn hs t slp wth Knbl. Nd s, f crs, pssd.

-Nw tht Gnn hs drppd fw, wll ppl chll n ths psh h clrly s nt gttng?

-P nvttnl Brwl whr th wnnr wll b th lst mn stndng t tke drnk. Thy hd "br rm" st p nr th ntrnc wy. Thy ntrdcd th cmpttrs: Th str Bnny, Dnk th Clwn, Th Brklyn Brwlr (FG!!! HM!!!!!), Brthr Lv, Sn ‘Hr, Mtt Hrdy wth Shnnn Mr, Th Bshm Brthrs, Spnky, Th Cnqstdrs, nd ll thr mmbrs f th FB.

-Brdshw xplnd tht thr r n rls nd th lst mn drnkng wns. Brdshw sd thy r gng t tst vryn's tghnss nd thr lvr. H gv tst nd th fght ws n ftr vryn tk drnk. Brthr Lv stppd th brwl bfr t cld gt strtd, skng vryn t bw thr hds, cls thr ys nd lt hm gv bndctn. H tld th P tht whn th P wr yng, thy md tw fn ltr bys, bt thy hv blwn t. Lv sd tht vryn ws thr t lv thr fllw mn nd t trn "br nt bld" nd skd fr frgvnss fr "ths" nd ht smn wth br stl. 

-t ws wy t chtc frm th strt t dcmnt vrythng, bt w strtd wth th str Bnny bng bt dwn. Th Brwlr sd fr xtngshr n vryn nd wnt ftr Dnk th Clwn. Chck Plmb brk th br rm sln swngng drs vr smn's bck. Dnk ws tssd thrw th wndw by th Brwlr. Brdshw bt n Knyn. Fnk st t th br drnkng thrgh ll ths. Sn 'Hr brk pl c vr Brdshw's hd. Brthr Lv cwrd thrght th fght nd thn snt Shnnn Mr nt mrrrd wndw. Nnz sn fllwd. Brdshw thrw th Bnny ff th br thrgh th wll. Brwlr mssd Brdshw wth stl, whch bncd ff th br nd nt th r. Mtt Hrdy clmbd tp th br nd gzzld fw brs nd thn ttckd Mvn. Brdshw fnlly ht Fnk wth br stl. Brthr Lv trd t mk pc wth th P bt ws tkn t. Th rfr dclrd Brdshw th wnnr bcs h ws th lst mn stndng, lthgh Frq ws rght nxt t hm bt hd bn "kncked t" prvsly. Wy t chtc fr ny cmrs t fllw.

-Snds lk t ws rckng gd thrwdwn.

-Fl qt 411 bcs w hrd nsl gnst hs wshs. Wht fckng bby. H thrw mssv tmpr tntrm. Hssy ft.

- m vr 300 pnds nd m jst bg lsr s sctt kth

- nd t py grls fr sx

-I rlly wnt t kll myslf. Hv n frnds r mny. Ths nt thng s ll rlly hv n lf


-Th blck dd nd hs wht prtnr wh sd t hng wth Krt ngl dftd Kdmn nd Ry Mstr t kp th Smckdwn tg blts. T ws nthr mt clssc 

-Sbl bt Stphn ftr th –Trn ld t Stph’s ft ss. WHY? Bcs N N cn tk t Stph n thr wn!!

-Th ndrtkr pnnd Jhn Cn ftr dcnt mtch wth th Lst Rd. ‘m SR ppl r lrdy scrmng bt this. Fck y, Cn shld b rnd fr lng tm. Thr s n rsn why th Tkr shld pt hm vr so sn, spclly whn th thm f ths ngl ws bt rspct n th lckr rm.

-Do I have ANY readers of this recap left? Just wondering.

-Vnc McMhn bt Zck Gwn bt STLL hlpd Gwn lk gd n th prcss. Gd dmn, Vnc my b prck, bt h’s gvng Gwn rb tht’ll crry th kd fr yrs t cm

-Krt Ngl pnnd Brck Lsnr t wn th thr wy nd th Smckdwn ttl! Nthr grt mtch.

Gd shw… wsh bthrd t wtch t.

Wll gv $1000 t nyn wh cn dcphr ths ntr rcp… vry wrd s rl wrd… plld n trcks. N thsnd dllrs… MRCN!!!


Lng prmsd… … WHPS… I MEAN WHOOPS… back to vowels now… long promised…. long time since I’ve done this… you know it, you love it, you openly wonder why this is on a rasslin’ column

Hollywood Gossip!! It’s fun to speculate, to read about big time stars who have publicists to constantly remind them that their shit doesn’t stink. Nothing like some sordid secrets about them to bring ‘em down to earth… and by God, I have a column to fill!!!

First, some light gossip that I personally heard from a reader of mine who works for top Hollywood movie studio. No, it’s not Joel Silver… this is a low, LOW man on the totem pole… which makes him nice and bitter.

-Katie Holmes: Now, I always thought that since she attacks… I say ATTACKS her co-stars in her movie love scenes, plus she flashed her titties in that really, really BAD flick The Gift…that she was a real slut… a frickin nympho playa. Hell, that A-List Gossip board said that she is “Obsessively searching for drugs to enhance and increase her orgasms... given that evidence… assuming she’s a hip-slammer was a safe bet. NOT SO!! Says my source. Katie may be the “anti-slut” these days. Hell, after her topless scene in that flick, she was so freaked out by the attention she got that she would never leave her house without a baggy sweatshirt on. The girl is practically a prude, these days. Go figure.

Still want to bang her stupid, though.

-The Olson Twins: Those clean-cut teen role models who have amassed a billion dollar empire thanks to their catering to the needs of their primary, like-minded female audience? Seems that they aren’t quite THAT innocent. Both of them smoke Camels… unfiltered… constantly.

-Right now, Warner Brothers has a movie called “Flyby” under production. The script is hard core LOCKED in a safe and NO ONE knows what is up with it. General consensus is that an unknown will be cast in the lead. The script, which is sort of well known, has been completely revamped and no longer resembles the mess it once was. But, the important thing to know is that it IS under production and WILL be made.

Why do you care about a dumb flick named “Flyby”? Well, because that’s the secret code word for it’s REAL working title: “Superman V”

-Old, OLD news… but ever wonder why that girl Nikki made it so far during the first “American Idol”? I mean, nice girl and all but… THIRD PLACE? No way. How did she pull that off?

Well, it seems that she had slipped on the stage during rehersals and broke something in her foot. She was threatening to sue, so the production company promised to keep her on until the final three.

There always was a LOT of skepticism as to whether the AI voting was rigged… with good reason, apparently.

Gay stuff!!! I’ll only say this… there is a LOT of “action” going on the set of the upcoming Harry Potter flick… if what I hear is true… young Daniel Radcliffe is being “taught” more magic tricks other than pulling rabbits out of a hat… oh he’s pulling something out of something alright…

How gay might Kevin Spacey be? Just ask every male assistant he has ever employed. Many of them could have a nice little lawsuit at the ready if they weren’t so concerned with their own acting careers. Oh, and that A-List site adds that Kevin likes his men young… very young.

-One of the most interesting reponses I’ve gotten to the IWF100 thing I did two weeks ago was the inclusion of 15 year old Hilary Duff. “So, you like the jailbait, Hyatte?” “She’s just a KID, Hyatte, you fucking perv!!” 

Yeah well… this is what my friend said about that… “A buddy of mine is friends with a guy who crews a lot of films. A couple of years ago he was working on a set that Hillary Duff was on pegging her at 13 years old according to her bio. She was present without handlers, which is not allowed unless you are at least 17 years old, making her 19 years old today. He truly believes that her age is totally fabricated in order to sell the ‘Disney’ image”.

So Duff is 17 years old… and maybe 18 by the NEXT IWF100 next winter… know what that means?

Hilary Duff may hit the top 10 next time around!!

-Have you read how Cameron Diaz is being blackmailed for money in exchange for “dirty” pictures someone has of her when she worked for a “private modeling” company years and years ago? Well, I have no inside dirt on this other than the knowledge that from what I know, (and this is how the hookers in Las Vegas get to be in the yellow pages), a place that has girls available for “private modeling” sessions is just a legal way of calling itself a whorehouse.

That’s it for my personal gossip… but luckily, the A-List site has updated HER (and I am now sure the person who does this site is a woman) site with some juicy tidbits.

I want you to take note how she puts compliments next to the shots… it’s really funny the way she slaps these things together:

Clooney, George: Reportedly a nice guy. Slut. Possibly swinging for both fences. Like lumberjacks, likes to try on women's clothes. May have a serious gambling problem. Linked with Lucy Liu, Ginger Lynn, Kelly Preston, Julia Roberts, Winona Ryder, Charlize Theron, and Renee Zellweger. 

Eastwood, Clint: Refreshingly modest and down-to-Earth personality. Did not treat Sondra Locke particularly well in his relationship with her, though, and has a problem with staying faithful. Oh, and I've been told one story of his being incredibly rude to a fan. Has shown up on set in drag at least twice--it's all a joke, he claims. Wife beater. Dodged military service in Korea. Possible early same-sex relationship with his mentor Arthur Lubin. Also linked with Francis Fisher and Babs Streisand. 

No, I did not just re-post the Clooney part on Eastwoods.

Grant, Hugh: General idiot and ninny; an Oxbridge grad but reportedly eight sandwiches short of a picnic basket. "Pompous wank." Bi_______. Has used hookers in the past. Linked with Sandra Bullock and Elizabeth Hurley. 

I just LOVE it when British rag on people. “Pompous wank”… BWAHAHAHAAA

Hefner, Hugh: Treats his live-in "girlfriends" like paid slaves. "Pops Viagra like he owns stock in the company." But he has helped poor Bettie Page out, and is making sure that she's treated well in her final years. 

Landers, Ann: She and her sister gave their all for the troops on leave during WW2. Sometimes they gave their all at the same time, in the same room, with two different men. 

Sabato, Jr., Antonio: Bi. Nice guy - except "notorious spreader of herpes, would screw any girl who flirts with him." 

Baldwin, Stephen: So enamored of himself he probably masturbates while holding up his own facial shot. 

Carey, Drew: Victim of sexual abuse when a child. Picks the wrong women to fall for, poor guy. Enjoys being humiliated in bed. "Super nice guy." 

Carrey, Jim: Unpleasant man, simultaneously rampantly insecure and hideously conceited. Extreme hypochondriac. Didn't make it through high school--and while in high school, according to one of my correspondents, "JC was incredibly mean to every student he could pick on (expecially when he was with a group of friends). Really mean, he'd pick on defenseless "losers" who had no hope of even excaping his cruelty. He would do this every chance he got." Has been known to act extremely childishly on-set, although there are some reports that one-on-one he's not bad. Has sexually harassed numerous actresses. Used LSD when he was a kid. Likes being spanked. (I volunteer for the job, although of course I wouldn't stop with his butt. I'd start beating him around the head and shoulders). Has, however, been known to give food away to the homeless. Linked with Lauren Holly, Ashley Judd, Nicole Kidman, Courtney Love, Linda Ronstadt, and Renee Zellweger. 

Spader, James: No one will ever love James as much as James loves himself. 

And finally… just for the hell of it… how about some hot celebrity FEUDS:

Bruce Willis vs Richard Gere: Willis didn't want to act next to Gere because Gere wasn't "manly" enough. Gere heard of these comments

Christina Aguilera vs Kelly Osbourne: Osbourne called Aguilera "one of the most disgusting human beings in the world." 

Toni Collette vs Mandy Patinkin: Patinkin once slapped Collette during Wild Bunch rehearsals

I wonder if Collette screamed, “BUT I DIDN’T KILL YOUR FATHER!! I NEVER MET THE MAN, YOU ASSHOLE” before Mandy “Geiger rules” Patinkin backhanded her

Sarah Michelle Gellar vs the cast and crew of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gellar acted the diva on-set, did not invite anyone from the show to her wedding, never praised her co-stars, rubbed her film success in the faces of the other actors, and never announced to them that she was leaving the show--they had to find out about it through the media

Christina Aguilera vs Jennifer Love Hewitt: Aguilera thinks there's something wrong with Love Hewitt going out with white men, and said so.

Yeah… what’s up with that, girl. All stuck up white ho. GIVE A BROTHER A CHANCE!!! GIVE A BROTHER A CHANCE!!!! ONCE YOU HAD BLACK, MISS THANG, YOU NEVER GO BACK!!!

The fuck am I raving about?

By the way… before you go and ask for a link, I put three links to the gossip site in the segment alone.


Yeah, before we bail on this Hollywood thing…

Bad Boys II… EASILY, the best movie of the summer… period. Nothing but stupid, sick, hilarious, mind-chilling, nothing-to-think-about, goofy, whacked out, bullshit fun. Not a single redeeming quality about it.

And I’ll tell you what… after a summer of a pretentious Hulk, a “Look How Important We Are” Reloaded, a “man that machine’s getting old” Terminator, and “You’re a pedofile if you go see this without a child” Finding Nemo… a stupid mindless fun movie is the perfect way to kill the blockbuster portion of our movie summer. Go see the flick. 

What? You already saw it? THEN SEE IT AGAIN, CUMSTAIN!!!



This being the ONLY actual rasslin’… “news” to report…

I guess after the Vengence PPV, this may ber answered, but word has it the WWE may either turn Angle or Lesnar full heel for their big SummerSlam rematch… and since Angle the face seems to be working… they are leaning towards Lesnar for the heel turn.

‘Bout frickin’ time.

Lesnar is pretty much the single WORSE babyface a company could have. He looks like a dope when they aren’t forcing him to smile.. and when they do, he looks like a retarded dope.

Plus, Lesnar is just about every stupid football jock in High school who shoved nerds like YOU into your lockers after dunking your head in the toilet (I myself didn’t play football, but I got suspended a lot for fighting those who did… so I wasn’t bothered… won a few of those fights too… I can be a psychotic when I want to be… keep that in mind, punkass… I’ll bitchslap you while assfucking your girlfriend… you watch yourself when you are around me). Lesnar was/is the school bully… and obviously as dumb as a goddam pool cue. He is no face… no kid could look up to him. One of several dumb ass WWE moves made over recent months.

On the flip side, HHH, because he’s fresh out of Faces to destroy, might go Face himself and work on the Heels. This move is not dumb… it’s not smart either… a Face HHH will probably act almost exactly as a Heel HHH… he can’t be an Austin-like “corporate rebel/underdog” because no one would buy it. He can’t be “DX Cool” like he was 100 years ago because this is not 100 years ago… things have changed and, through months of hard WWE marketing and booking, the climate of the business has changed. 

Besides, no matter whom he fights, HHH will win. Whether you like it or not, he has become the one stabilizing factor of RAW. He’s the anchor by which everything else revolves around. And he’s very committed to that role.

The real problem lies in the simple fact that RAW doesn’t have enough major Faces and Smackdown doesn’t have enough major Heels. Switching Lesnar to Heel and sending in HBK, Kevin Nash and Goldberg to Smackdown as two Heels and a Face will take care of that. Then send Kurt Angle and (when he is eventually re-hired) Hulk Hogan… yes, HULK HOGAN to RAW as two Faces to balance things out nicely.

And Chris Benoit should be goddam LUCKY he has a job… 100 years in the business and he STILL can’t cut a fucking promo. 

And John Cena is the truth.



And when I tried to speak with her, she logged off faster than Pete Townsend when Scotland Yard knocks on the door. But it’s a start!

The good news just rolls on as we check in with yet ANOTHER rassle-fabulous babe


Last week I asked, rather innocently, “I wonder what Tammy Sytch is up to”…

Well goddam, I got an answer…

She works in Puerto Rico with Candido for the WWC. He’s the champ and she’s loved by the fans. She’s heavier than she once was, but not fat (I’ve seen pictures)… rather her figure has curved into a one of voluptiousness… meaning she more or less looks like a REAL girl now… and she looks healthy.

Candido is working clean… steroid clean… so he’s smaller than he used to be, but still in solid shape.

From what I hear, they spend their downtime chilling on the beaches of Cuba and they are getting paid, muthafukka… Tammy is no longer with the wrestlingvixxxens because Missy was bring in a lot of non-wrestling girls and things were/are getting sleazy over there. Tammy preferred to take her photos more model-like… with a little class and taste.

I’ve got no joke here… just an update. Fuck it, everyone deserves a break in life and those kids have gone through some tough times. Give them a break and wish them well.

They’d be a hit in the NWA tho’… Bob Ryder should contact me about it… maybe I can hook them up.

Now back to brutalizing people for no reason at all.


For some reason, Pat McNeil from the Torch has yet to devote a song parody to his dearly departed momma… 

I really wasn’t going to do this, but I was still a bit miffed that Bruce Mitchell had to pipe up with his opinions on me (see last week)…concerning my “concern” over how Pat will properly honor his momma. And an opportunity presented itself.

This is an Alanis Morrisette lyric generator what you do is type in a main subject (it says someone you hate, but it doesn’t have to be so) type in six things that are related to the main subject. Add in your favorite color, your favorite poet (or writer) and the name of an ex, finally you can pick one of three titles… then presto, you have yourself a song.

So, ladies and gentlemen, in honor of poor Mother McNeil… because her son is too broken up to do it… I give you:

"I Think"

I Think wrestling is really a huge problem

I Think Keller is too much on my mind

I Think Mitchell has got a lot to do with why the world sucks

But what can you do?

Like a white rain, beating down on me

Like a Russo line, which won't let go of my brain

Like Derek Burgan's ass, it is in my head

Blame it on My Mother

Blame it on My Mother

Blame it on My Mother

I Think The Torch is gonna drive us all crazy

And Mommy make me feel like a child

I Think Vince McMahon will eventually be the downfall of civilization

But what can you do? I said what can you do?

Like a white rain, beating down on me

Like a Russo line, which won't let go of my brain

Like Derek Burgan's ass, it is in my head

Blame it on My Mother

Blame it on My Mother

Blame it on My Mother

Like a white rain, beating down on me

Like Derek Burgan's smile, cruel and cold

Like Russo's ass, it is in my head

Blame it on My Mother

Blame it on My Mother

Blame it on My Mother

*sniff… *cough… *ahem… I’m… I apologize… I always get misty eyed at funerals.

Russo’s ass in in McNeil’s head? You know, this should surprise no one.


Picked this one up on a message board… couldn’t resist:

Tony Atlas, I'm coming to Detroit in my Toyota!! Lots of black men in Detroit out of work because of Toyota. - Mr Fuji in a house show promo… circa 1984


And there it is… the longest title I’ve ever written.

So, next summer I plan on visiting Flea out on Florida.

Now Flea, from what he has told me, isn’t exactly a perfect human specimen… and he drinks… a LOT… so I decided to use my time in Florida to put him on a fitness schedule to tone up that body and add 50 years to his life… this is the conversation on that subject.

Why join the chat in progress…. We were discussing whether he had any really hot neighbors: 

Ryder Fakin: i think they will already be sleeping with one eye open when you come to town

Hyatte1com: right... first time they've laid eyes on a real man

Hyatte1com: booya

Ryder Fakin: bah

Hyatte1com: and they'll get to marvel at how, in just a few short months, I transform Flea from a flabby, sloshy martinet into a lean, mean, hard, new-jacked, specimen

Ryder Fakin: they will be more impressed with my idear..."Hey Flea, wgere can we get one of those?"....FLEA: "nunya! not everone can own a Hi-8" 

Hyatte1com: "H-Gr8? Why am I wet? I wasn't swimmin'?" "No, Flea, that's called sweat... get used to it!!"

Ryder Fakin: fetch me a drink! 

Hyatte1com: sure... one Gatorade coming up... gotta replenish those electrolytes, my hard training friend"

Hyatte1com: mornings will start with 50 push-ups and 500 crunches... just to wake us up

Hyatte1com: then a nice jog... start you off on two miles

Hyatte1com: get some free, clean oxygen in those black, miserable lungs of yours

Ryder Fakin: i don't see this happening

Hyatte1com: "Hi8, I gotta go to the hospital... my arms are all puffy and swollen"

Hyatte1com: no Flea, they are just getting buffed, baby... it's natural. 

Ryder Fakin: I'm happy the way I am. The only exercise I need is telling you what to do

Hyatte1com: "This is great Hi8, now I can beat up the crack heads without passing out from exhaustion!! This baseball bat don't weigh nothin' anymore!"

Ryder Fakin: and too show my appreciation I'll show you a thumb exercise! Take your thumb, stick it in the air, and wait by the road!

Hyatte1com: "you mean... you can SWIM in these god damn POOLS? I thought all they were good for was to float around in like a dead whale

Hyatte1com: "wow, Hi8, I kick my legs and actually MOVE FORWARD in the water! I feel like AQUAMAN!!! HYUCK"

Ryder Fakin: i'll outswim you, catfish. i'll SMOKE and swim more laps

Hyatte1com: heh HAW

Hyatte1com: I feel like Aquaman... HAHAHAHAHAAA HYATTE RULES

Ryder Fakin: only thing you know is the sunstroke


Ryder Fakin: "OH HYATTE"



Ryder Fakin: Chris Hyatte - Hillbilly Helper

Hyatte1com: I am Picasso and Flea is my blank canvas

Hey look! I’m AQUAMAN!! HAHAHA… oh that was funny

I’ll have that boy chasing chickens (for greasy speed) and running on top of mountains screaming, “DRAGOOOOOO” within a WEEK.

After all, I can’t have my friends looking like the topic for my NEXT segment



You know… sometimes something happens that is so bad… I’m not sure if I can even make jokes about it…

Then I remember who the subject is… and I remember something he said a few weeks ago:

I couldn’t care less about anything Hyatte says or does

That was from Scott Keith.

Okay then… dilemma resolved.

You know Scott Keith? He writes books about wrestling. He rates matches. He tells people what’s wrong with the sport. He brags about his vast knowledge of history. He studies videotapes and recaps them. He recaps every wrestling show there is. He fancies himself an expert… a genius… the next David Meltzer. He pisses on wrestlers he doesn’t like. He criticizes work rates. He tells people who belongs in the ring and who should be out selling used cars. He knows what wrestling is all about. He is a MASTER.

Scroll down this site a little and meet the man who knows wrestling better than YOU. He’s the one in the Owen Hart shirt. This is Scott Keith. This is the man I call “Scooter” 

I shit you not.

No, this isn’t touched up in the slightest.

Scott fancies himself as “bulletproof”… nothing I do or say can get under his skin. Well, anyone can hide their pain online… it’s just a matter of using the word words… so let’s see how immune he is, shall we? Let’s dissect this cocky, arrogant moron… head to waistline. Because he knew what was coming… he forewarned everyone by saying that he was pretty wasted when the photos were taken… as if 8 hours of sleep and a full blood transfusion would’ve improved things.

There are four pictures here… with two other fellows. The Ryan Seacrest look-a-like with the gay headband is a nobody other than the fact that he and Scotsman arranged this photo session. The fat, bald guy with the glasses is Scott’s roommate “Jodes”… possibly Scooter’s only friend… and probably his friend only because he’s the one motherfucker who actually looks worse than Scott.

This… this is sad. I mean… even Scott supporters have confided in me that this is beyond humiliating. How can a guy have absolutely ZERO pride in his appearance? How can he not even care one bit?

Let’s start with the waist. Who, who the FUCK wears a wrestling t-shirt anymore?

Okay… then who, who the FUCK wears a wrestling t-shirt, or any t-shirt, tucked IN the pants and secured with a BELT?

And look closely at the first picture… what is that white line hanging OVER his belt? His underwear? Did Scott really tuck his Owen hart T-shirt INTO his underwear?

Or… is the problem that his big belly has pushed his pants inside out and what we are seeing is the lining of his pants? Which scenario is worse? I ask you?

And why wear an Owen hart t-shirt that is obviously a full size too small? Poor Owen’s image is so warped, stretched, and distended that it now looks like the picture was taken AFTER he landed. That is no way to honor a deceased wrestler.

And I STRONGLY DOUBT the WWE created the shirt in hopes that the name “OWEN HART” would be stretched across the belly from lover handle to love handle. Suddenly, it’s a movie marquee

Are those bitch tits? Why yes, they are.


You know… the nice thing about a girlfriend is that once you’ve been with her a’while, she buys you stuff. Since Eve was wrapped around the rib, women have taken pride in their taste… and they have taught their friends and sisters to shop tastefully as well… that’s one of the (many) cool things about women… they know how to do it… they love to do it.… as Alanis Morrisette once said, “you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly 

… women LOVE to shop for their guy… they LOVE to dress him up and make him presentable. 

Clearly no woman - save for his mother - has ever shopped for Scooter.

Twenty eight years old… may be twenty nine, in fact.

That belly. Has Scott… the man WHO JUDGES WORKRATE… ever lifted a weight himself? Where is the muscle tone? Look at those shoulders… not even a HINT of trapezus… from the neck it just makes a straight as a pencil B-LINE to the shoulder. The man looks like taking a piss would make him sweat… getting out of bed is enough to make him lose his breath.

He is the human pear. Ladies and gentlemen… I give you the human pear.

Arms like pizza crusts… if one didn’t know better, one would swear Scott had his bicep surgically removed. 


This is… oh Dear God… that poor bastard.

Scott… have you ever even WONDERED how it feels to have a female touch your privates? Why are you denying yourself such a pleasure by looking like this? WHY??

Flea pointed out (oh yes, I’ve gone over this with MANY people… including at least ONE girl And ONE person “in the business”), Scott has a “Farmer’s tan”…top of the arms are pinkish… as are his nose and cheekbones… since the sun can’t penetrate through WRESTLING T-SHIRTS, you can see where the skin suddenly goes back to white… just on the edge of the sleeve. Can’t blame him… I wouldn’t take my shirt off either, not if I looked like that. This wouldn’t even be bad if it was May… or even June… but it’s THE END OF JULY!!!!

Double chins… accentuated by the beard stubble. God.

Squinty, weasel eyes… what color are they? Who the fuck knows… they are too busy being so slitted he could pass for a Chinaman. Maybe squinting the eyes makes his mirror look better.

Babyfat… that face is round, plain, and gross. 

Lips… no… rumors of something that could maybe pass for lips… if he didn’t have ten pounds of flabby face surrounding them. Not that it matters, tho’… as it is obvious that smiling causes Scott actual pain.

Think those teeth are pearly white or mustard yellow? Wanna take bets?

And the HAIR… dear Jesus… I think the style is called “Canadian Grunge”… if using a comb or brush is too hard for him… then at least shave the thing off… for crying out loud, man… don’t use your FINGERS.

The man gets haircuts about as much as he praises a RAW. 

The man doesn’t care how he looks… or even worse, he thinks he looks GOOD.

This is… this is the man who tells HHH to get out of the business. This is the man who tells Nash that he is no athlete. This is the man who has called Test “a talentless lump”

He should know.

This… I can’t deal with this anymore. Everything fits now. It all makes sense. He recaps everything, he’s online all the time, he only goes out for food and wrestling shows (as someone pointed out to me, the meager pittance he gets for his books must surely be enough for him to maintain his quiet lifestyle in a small apartment outside of Vancouver with his roommate… so any job he has is probably part-time, if he has one). He has no social life, at least one loser friend… and let him TRY to claim that there is a girl out there who would shag him…. Even the fat, blind ones have SOME standards.

It all fits… this online shit is really all he has in the world… and all he wants too. This is where he can be KING… no WONDER he’s so arrogant.

Poor kid… I’m sorry Scott.

You have my pity. 


A real quickie this time:

rawsmackdownheat: Tu manges des graines means u eat cock, right?

Hyatte1com: i guess

rawsmackdownheat: o ok 

rawsmackdownheat: do u hate talking to me

Hyatte1com: no... but there is no reason why you have to contact me whenever I come online

rawsmackdownheat: ok, i wont bother u then....jackass

Hyatte1com: gracias

rawsmackdownheat: hey, stop talkin to me

Hyatte1com: okay

Neat little “turn the tables” trick he pull on me there.


I should have done this two weeks ago… but I only thought of doing it last week… so it’s a week late but screw it.

After every five books, I will use and off-week (like this one) to offer a quick over-view of what has been selected and rate it for your book reading needs. Links are posted just so you can click to the column and re-read (or read for the first time) the full segment on the book and it’s excerpt.

Isn’t it weird to see me act all serious and shit?

Leaving Las Vegas by John O'Brien: Distinct character study. Perhaps the most realized depiction of an alcoholic ever put on page. Depressing, but not without it’s light humor. Well worth your time 

Hooking Up by Tom Wolf: Essays from one of the greats. Great introduction to the author’s style and approach. Perhaps a bit too much attention on detail. Read this before you read any other Wolf book just to see if he is for you.

Potshot by Robert B. Parker: One of the more recent Parker books involving the enduring “wise-ass” Private Eye known as Spenser. Bare bones page turner with elegant prose. You will half it half-finished before you notice just how fast the plot goes. There are better Spenser books out there, but any Parker book is worth a read.

Missing Links by Rick Reilly: The SI columnist’s favorite sport. Funny comedy that borders on “Caddyshack” for big laughs, but also has some neat twists and turns to keep people alert. Like golf? Like his columns? Like a witty book? If you said yes to any of those three, you’ll probably like this. 

Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman: Hilarious “end of the world” tale filled with angels, demons, sarcasm, the AntiChrist, and sharp one liners. Extremely well worth your time.


Got just a little flack on that little Kobe Bryant this I did last week… not even FLACK, flack… just some corrections…

First: Guy named “Kwame” wrote to me and explained that Michael Jordan has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar plenty of times. Since I am NOT about to get into an argument with someone named “Kwame”, I’ll just say, “My bad!”

Second: Another guy (I forgot the name) asked how can Kobe have been forced to marry his wife after he knocked her up when she just had her child a little while ago and they’ve been married for YEARS? My answer… he can’t…. I got my hoop superstars confused. What happened is that Kobe’s in-laws made him marry the girl or else they will have him arrested on charges of STATUTORY RAPE… Mrs. Bryant wasn’t quite of legal voting age when Kobe tapped that lettuce. According to rumors. Again, my bad!

Third: I don’t know which one of these girls is the Kobe conquest in question, but either This, This, and/or This is the girl Kobe Bryant may or may not have raped. And one of these pics has a set of PERFECT boobies…. NAKED perfect boobies…. Naked perfect booby IMPLANTS.

Still, nothing Kobe has done can top Allen Iverson, who threw his wife out of his home butt naked and left her out there. Toss in anal sex with a dead raccoon and you have just about every Thursday night at the Hyatte household circa 1986-1990.


This is a jacked up version of a closer I did a long time ago… with more new material than usual.

Recently, NWA/TNA spent a full month’s worth of PPV on Mike Tenay’s IN-DEPTH, SOUL SEARCHING interview with Sting… thus, you had to pay $40 pigs to see what Sting had to say about the state of pro rasslin’ (lemme guess… the words “it” and “sucks” were never too far apart from each other). 

And, of course, the interview was okay, I guess (I was too anxious waiting for GoldyLocks to show up again so I could resume spanking)… but where were the REAL questions? The questions WE, THE AUDIENCE, DESERVE TO HAVE ANSWERED???

Oh of course they were no where to be found… Tenay’s a creep.

So people… if YOU ever get the chance to interview Sting… please, for the love of CHRIST… grow some balls and ask these questions:


-What happened to you, man?

-Can you pinpoint the exact date you started hating the business?

-Could you maybe have even TRIED the WWF?

-If God told you to work for the WWE for 5 years for the minimum downside, would you do it?

-Did your Gym Membership expire?

-If you're such a God freak, how come you don't pray for higher ratings?

-If you do, then why won't he answer?

-Do you laugh at Owen every time you descend from the rafters?

-Smile, dammit!

-Any more horrible movies coming up?

-Is the reason you wear makeup because of that cro-magnon forehead?

-How was Daisy Fuentes in the sack?

-Admit it, Goldberg's a prick, right?

-Ever get into a fistfight with Goldberg over the existence of Christ?

-Did Lex kill Liz?

-I know God hates gay people but… what if a really, REALLY hot guy wanted to touch you, just a little?

-Did you REALLY think you’d get to be the Crow in the next movie?

-No, really?

-Vampiro was a butt pirate, wasn’t he?

-How many skanks did you plow through before you found God?

-Don’t you want to give Satan the Scorpion Death Drop? Wouldn’t that be cool?

-How come you always said “It’s Showtime, folks” when you were on TNT?

-Why don’t you get off your high horse, sign with the fucking WWE, fight the Rock at Wrestlemania, make about a gazillion dollars, and spend the rest of your life spanking your monkey or whatever it is you do?

And while you’re at it… if you ever see Goldberg on the street, rescusing a mouse in a trap or soemthing, suck in your testicals and ask him any or all of these:


-Can I borrow $50 so this Irish Catholic chick will blow me?

-Hit on Trish yet?

-Does it bother you that Benoit laughs at your mic ability? 

-Why can't you professional for once and put someone over?

-Should children follow your lead in life?

-Where can I get some cheap steriods for my 8 year old nephew?

-If you could go back in time, would you spear Hitler?

-If you sneeze, should I say “God bless you” or “gesunheidt”?

-Have you ever done ANY leg work in the gym? Ever hear of a squat?

-So, how come you don't think the guy they crucified was really the Son of God?

-Why don't you apologize for stiffing Bret Hart's head and knocking him out of the business right now?

-Did Bret deserve it?

-Do you laugh at the WWE superstars who actually have to go out on the road?

-Any desire to learn a new move?

-What about the rumors that your girlfriend’s nickname is The Undertaker because she refuses to sell “the spear”?

-You love all animals. Do you hate Stephanie because she parades around with a dead squirrel on her head?

-Ever watch your dogs lick their own nuts and get jealous?

-If I sneezed and said, “AJEW” wouild you accuse me of Anti-Semitism

-So, the message to the kids is wring the bastards for every last cent and then beat the shit out of anyone who looks at you crosseyed, right Mr. Role Model?

There… REAL questions from REAL people that deserve REAL answers.

And if Goldberg gets pissed… let him… let him beat the shit out of you… sucker’s got MAD money… you’ll sue and be set for LIFE.


And we take it home with this well-loved ditty… and since it’s the first time I’ve done this during a PPV night, we get to have some LIVE, ON THE SPOT reaction to the show you (not me, too busy) just watched!!!

And where did I go for these quotes? Blow me, mark boy.

"if you post a bunch of stuff that we gotta edit or delete, I'm gonna ban you till you sober up."

"Everyone is entitled to their opinion ... and I wish I were smoking something phenomenal ... "

"Oh and fuck Undertaker. Fuck him and his fucking stalled out piece of shit motorcycle. Fuck him and his pull-up cover of John Cena, who carried that load to a halfway decent match, only to have his finisher gleefully no-sold and countered. Fuck Undertaker for standing on the shoulders of guys like Hulk Hogan, Jimmy Snuka and Jake Roberts, who Taker beat, no-sold finishers, and often squashed in high-profile contests. Fuck him for not being a big enough man to return the favor. I became a Cena fan tonight. Fuck Taker." 

"I thought Taker carried Cena."

"Last I heard Bob Orton Jr. was living in Missouri and selling cars."

"I am Crushred, killer of threads. Lord of the orphan post. King of all you see and emperor of everything you don't see"

"The Undertaker's Father passed away this weekend. Finally succombing to the burns left by Kane over 30 years ago......or was it the Undertaker himself? Either way, no charges will be filed"

"Whatta ya saying, dude? I'm not funny? No way! Oh well, if I'm not funny, you're not a virgin."

"Ribs are, without a doubt, the worst food to eat on a first date. I ordered ribs without thinking once on a date, and I found out later that she was a vegetarian. She later told me that watching me chew away at the meat, with my hands covered in sauce, made her nauseous. 'You looked like Fred Flintstone and Dahmer's love child.' That's a quote."

"Yeah, Pro Wrestling was just HORRIBLE with racist and politically incorrect angles. You'd never see anything like that in the seventies or eighties, especially. Archie Bunker was good family entertainment and George Jefferson walking on a white man's back was just good fun."

"Amazing how all these guys could hit each other with bottles and mirrors and roll around in broken glass and yet never suffer so much as a scratch ..." 

"Noble and Gunn was below-par. Noble is, in my opinion, a very good crusierweight but not that kind with cross- divisional credibility. I just don't buy Billy selling any of this stuff. The highlight of this was Noble's briefcase full of dildos."

"The Memphis Grizzlies have a thing where on the morning of every game they put about 500 $5 seats on sale. I've gone there to pick up higher-priced tickets and, seeing that line, there may be one or two white people in the line."

"That shit's pretty harsh. I'd like for you to apologize for calling me an idiot." 

"Apologize to your mom first"

"Well, [workrate is] a useless word. I mean, if I said that "Benoit vs. Angle was a cromulent match which embiggened the status of both men", it would mean just about as much as saying "Benoit's workrate was above average, however, his moveset was severly limited There's no real definition for the word, and it's used by smarks to appear smarter than the average bear." 

"anyone that is put up against Billy Gunn is getting face heat instead of Billy Bitchcakes."

"Here's the really sad thing: Steph and Sable put on the most entertaining womens match of the year and both are better than the current Womens Champ."

"This has got to be the funniest thread I have read on here in a long time. People discussing the best way to soothe Steph's sore throat, great stuff. Who says the IWC doesn't really care?"

"I don't know if anyone noticed, but Shawn O'Haire was desperately trying to fight back laughter during Brother Love's speech."

"According to Vince Russo, NWA-TNA is doing more buys per month than the WWE, television ratings for the Xplosion syndicated show triple those of "Oprah", and he is being nominated for a Cable Ace award."

"You dare anger the mighty MUM-RA?"

"I never did understand the whole ‘dropping the strap on the singlet’ thing. Apparently it worked like Popeye eating spinach, but why?"

"Rating relative to sex: Great Bj. This show was a little toothy at points, but in the end, it swallowed."

"For all you know The Undertaker's been begging Vince to let him give Cena a rub, and Vince is sitting there thinking "If Cena did more 'roids, maybe I've give him a win, but he just ain't main event material". Maybe some of this unbound hatred should be directed at the right people."

"Jerry Lawler can draw extremely well. His work is everywhere. I think Bret Hart is pretty handy with the pencil as well. Beyond them, I'm not sure who can draw and who can't."

"Rock is like Sandy Koufax, short career with great highs. But after 2000, he hasn't drawn any more than anyone else for more than a week or two."

"Well, I'm sorry I don't find Asian girls attractive."

"Id have to say Tazz and Cole have surpassed Ross and Lawler who think we still care about "puppies" and what college Dr. Death went to"

"And if you appropriately point out the fact that I'm getting too upset over a fake sport, Brock Lesnar, or anything else, I'll make you drink tobacco juice." 

"I sure hope this wasn't Vince's way of getting Undertaker ready for his yearly title run..." 

"I'd say the worst swerve ever was when Joe Pedicino illegaly tape recorded some conversations of Max Andrews, and revealed Max to be "The Boss" in the GWF. It went over like a gangbang in church" 

"Richard Nixon will rise from the dead and run as Hillary's V.P. before Shane Douglas goes anywhere near a Ric Flair tribute flick."

"I'm sorry, but this just shows how ridiculous a lot of people on this board are. You get so serious about every little sell and piece of offense. It's real sad you can't just sit back and enjoy a match. The Taker match was good, brutal, and in the end Cena still looked tough. Think of who the Undertaker is - why would it make sense for this new kid to beat him clean? It DOESN'T. We want new stars so badly but be realistic about it - Cena is not in any position to beat legends yet. He's not booked as a monster, his world title days are STILL AHEAD OF HIM (ie, Taker DIDN'T destroy his career as people are making it out to be), and tonight he simply put up a good fight against a legend. A young kid put up a hell of a fight against Taker. That's all I see it as. Oh, so Taker pulled Cena up - whoop dee doo. Should that have been taken out of the match? Sure - but you people act like it's the end of Cena's push and he's doomed and shunted down the card forever. Or cause Taker kicked out of the finisher so now it's invalid. The problem here is that sometimes you guys get so wrapped up in smarky cynicism that you don't realize this shit isn't THAT important - it's not THAT BIG A DEAL if Taker kicks out of Cena's finisher. It's not gonna haunt Cena's career, it's not gonna make everybody look at him as weak - that's just what the internet does when we get all crazy about things like that." 

"Someone once said that Lita and Coach on Heat sounded like the announcers on the Macy's Day Parade. That always seemed about right"

"I give up on Vince. He's a spooky old fart, and the roots of that supernatural hair has rewired his brain for spectacular disaster." 

"What else to bitch about? Oh yeah, the promotion that Noble will ‘sleep with’ Torrie at SmackDown. Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a Night Court swerve?"

"I think we need Lord Alfred Hayes ... "

"This ain't third grade. As moderator I want you all to stop using the word BUTT. It's TITS and ASS from now on! And no BOOBS either. Replace BOOBS with TITS. TITS and ASS! TITS and ASS!"

"My Lord. Thank God I'm moving to Japan in 3 weeks. They dont show WWF programming over there do they?"

"When exactly did Stephanie's voice change? Because it sounds exactly the fricking same and annoying as it always has for like 5 years now." 

"Okay ... is it just me, or does anyone else think that Tazz is the worst commentator of all time. If not, then try and somehow catch last night's Smackdown ... absolutely deplorable ... who did he bl*w to get that job?"

"Jerry Lawler as a babyface could not only convince you that the sky was turning green, pigs could fly, and a mouse could pull a boxcar--he could get you to buy a ticket Monday night to see all three of the above things come to pass."

"Steph vs. Sable was by far the worst match on the show. Even as a catfight it sucked. Steph looked like a pig with wet dog hair wearing a 1950s bathing suit, and Sable looked...well, Sable looked pretty hot for an older chick, but the match was horrible."

"a friend of mine had a hdea rt attacfki 44 years old dudes be caerful watch yer heart

44 man"

"Maybe you should not be posting right now. You KNOW what tends to happen when you post in this condition."

"I really can't believe Taker went over Cena, and I really, really can't believe Vince went over Zach. What the hell is the point?! If this leads to McMahon/Gowen II at Summerslam, someone needs to be hurt. And I'm sure Taker and the bookers think Cena ‘got the rub’ from the match because he managed to dominate the Undertaker for a while -- but when you compare that to Taker completely destroying Cena for several minutes at the start of the match, then pulling him up, then later kicking out of his finisher, well, Cena doesn't look quite so good."

"APA win the brawl. Noone touched Funaki the whole time and he passed out from being drunk."

“under no circumstances would I ‘copulate’ with Mr. Hyatte.”

HEY!! Frigid…. frickin’… no-fun-havin… you DARE deny yourself a nice dose of Vitamin Hy? bah! I SAY BAH!!!

A bit of the ol’ X usually changes minds quite nicely… heh heh heh ho ho ho.

Well, I’m fresh out of stuff to say… no, really.

Go away now, you pompous wanks… I say GO!

Better yet, I’ll go.

This is Hyatte