The Midnight News 08.11.03
Posted By Hyatte on 08.11.03
Wanted: A Hero, Scherer, TNA, Another Lawsuit, Reading Material, Gossip, Quotes, School's In, and Smokers Updated,
Two weeks later…
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Fine, next recap will be done i oy oe. Oo u iui I a o ou! I’ll even include Y’s just to mess with your heads.
If I ever see the words “Harry Potter” in your column again, I will pull a rabbit out of your ass and have you do some magic “tricks” for the boys on the South Side.
O’Brien… Irish lad, eh? Well, the day I get scared of a frickin’ Limey, limp-dicked, Guiness Piss drinkin’, no suntan having, sheep fucking Irish punk Mick and his posse of red-nosed, green wearing, Britain laughs at you, IRA is a bunch’a fags, non-sense makin’, Chicago blows, RUG SHAGGERS… is the day I toss a girl out of bed without making her come no less then three times… so THERE!!
Let's see... first the IWF 100, then a sob story about some bitch you used to fuck, and now a VERY detailed critique of another man's appearance.
ADMIT IT! YOURE A FUCKING FAG!!
Don't just say youre comfortable with your sexuality either, because that's just another sign of fag denial. FAG FAG FAG!!!!
Heh… who names their kid “Floyd” in this day and age?
Is it wrong for me to be aroused by those SK pics?
Actually, it’s a normal Canadian reaction for guys to get hot looking at a Scooter pin-up
Hi , I have read that you saw Chris Jericho naked . well can u please give us some details? we girls love jericho and some details and some pics wouldn't hurt! Thanks!
Nawaf Zubari? They have internet access in the bush? Shouldn’t you be out spearing gazelles?
Here, I’ll make you feel at home… UMMBA UMMBA GOOGA GOO… CHAKA KHAN, CHAKA CHAKA CHOO… which, of course, in Swahili means: Scherer drinks Zebra piss
As for those Jericho pics…I’ve seen them… he’s very, very small. You girls (and Canadian guys) ain’t missing much, trust me.
hi. I love watching wrestling although I haven't done it for days. It was and still is a terrible tradgedy that happened that night at Over the Edge. I was reading things from your site and I felt really bad that it had all happened. I finally realised what it is like with no Owen Hart. I never actually saw him fight except once I think in the 1996 Royal Rumble. I felt really, really bad.
Please e-mail me back.
For Christ sakes… why should I e-mail you back?
I have come to the conclussion that reading your articles are not fun unless I get involved. Lata. I'm on AOL so I'm easy to find. Peace out.
Get too many conclussions and you’ll get brain damage… HA!
Yeah, and feel free to hold your breath waiting for me to find your easy ass.
Greetings, melons. I am Chris and this is the Midnight News. I hope you enjoyed last week’s Across the Boards mega-retrospective as much as I enjoyed cutting, pasting, and posting the damn thing within 5 minutes. No, I really, REALLY hope you enjoyed it because I plan on doing it again and again and again and again AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
Just not tonight… no, tonight you get a FRESH column with FRESH material and FRESH insight and FRESH wit and STALE Hyatte and… and… oh who am I kidding… I’ve updated/streamlined the Smokers Tally tossed in a book selection and that’s just about all I’ve done tonight. Nothing… once again, I’ve got NOTHING.
As an added bonus, I’m moving next week and am probably moving again a few weeks later… so this means at least a couple of mini-Hyattus’s are on the way… nothing like the one I took at the top of this year… these’ll only be a couple of weeks each… and if I’m very lucky, I may even sneak out of one without missing a beat. Who will sub for me? We’ll see.
Do we have news to report? YES!!!! Am I lying? YES!!! Will this stop me from proceeding anyway? NO!!!! Will this stop you from writing to me and saying “It’s over, you’re officially washed up, loser!”? NO!!!! Do I care? NO!!!! Am I lying? YES!!!!
Has everyone with a column shown up with something new at Flea’s site? Yup. Have I? Yup. Have I answered questions as varied as High School Politics, What to do when the girl is a nutcase, How do you know when it’s real love, What to tell your girl before she goes out and pops that cherry, among others? Yup. Have I finally addressed the topic of my career as a Janitor? Yup. Do I plan on asking a question then answering it in a single word sentence immediately following in very single segment this week? I guess we’ll see, won’t we, DOUCHE!
WE NEED A WIND!!! WE NEED A WIND BENEATH OUR WINGS!!!
Recently, the company invested a lot of time (well, sort of) turning Kane and that idiot Brock Lesnar Heel. Nice to see SOMEONE out there pays attention to me… a smiling Lesnar is about as realistic as Scott Keith in Playgirl.
Great, because God knows the company needs MORE Heels.
What I’m wondering is… when will we get a nice, juicy, FACE turn? Has anyone realized just how long it’s been since a no good, evil Heel has captured the hearts and minds of the fans by going Face? It’s friggin’ money in the bank, yo… set it up and watch merchandising skyrocket!!
Just to remind you, and to show off my skills… let’s recall a couple of Face turns that not only scored huge, but pretty much built CAREERS…
1: Lex Lugar turning his back on the Horsemen
2: Nikita Koloff turning is back on his Uncle Ivan in honor of Magnum T.A.’s career killing car wreck.
3: Roddy Piper coming back to take Piper’s Pit away from Adrian Adonis
4: Jimmy Snuka getting piledriven on concrete by Ray Stevens
5: Buzz Sawyer coming to defend his brother.
You probably don’t even know most of those Face turns… THAT’S how long it’s been since we had a good one.
Trust me on this… all of those Face turns were emotional, compelling, and made you tune in the very next week to see what happened next. A solid Face turn is about 20X more hot than a Heel turn, especially those dumb ones where someone slowly turns around and whacks his/her partner for no reason.
Or are we still in the fucking 90’s where EVERYONE is neither a Heel nor a Face but a “Tweener”…
AND SHANE MCMAHON GOING AFTER KANE DOES NOT = A FACE TURN!!! NOR DOES STEPHANIE TAKING ON HER FATHER!!!
Possible candidates for a Good face turn? Well, NOT HHH… ‘cause he would suck as one… umm… hmm… ahh…
… errm …. huh… uhh…. Well hell… when they start paying me, THEN I’ll start writing shit!
MAKE NASH A FA…. Oh, right… he sort of is… crap.
Umm…. Hmm… ANG… no, too late…. Oh fuck it, give Hunter a shot… but first get the damn belt off him and keep it off… in fact, book him to lose every match for the enxt 6 months… stack those odds completely against him
Speaking of Nash
THE ASSHOLE WEB REPORTER STRIKES AGAIN!!!
In case you ever wondered… this is what the “serious, CREDIBLE” wrestling journalist hierarchy looks like (gotten on good authority)…
1: Meltzer- knows more than he lets on and is well respected
2: Keller- knows a little and is looked at like the B team reporter
3: Scherer- doesn’t know shit but is good at making “educated guesses”
4: Hyatte- knows his ass and that’s about it… but still rules
Which is funny when you consider that while Meltzer NEVER brags about the “scoops” he has… Keller OCCASIONALLY brags about how inside he is and Scherer… well, if you listen to Scherer then you are well aware that in his world, ONLY HE HAS THE REAL STORY AND THE OTHER TWO SUCK ON HIS TEET!!!!
As for me… eh, who am I to rate myself.
Anyway, the problem with Dave is that he is in such a goddam shit-fire RUSH to get the bullshit out to the people first, thus showing off his INSIDER KNOWLEDGE, that he ends up pissing people off… and I don’t mean that whole Goldberg/Vince/Australia embarrassment... I mean something else.
Jericho is about to fight Nash at SummerSlam in a hair vs hair match… now, I’m aware that most of you hate Big Sexy and could not really care any less about him, but... I’m fucking sorry… I like the fucking prick… I guess I can’t be in your little loser CLUB, now can I? I think I’ll friggin’ manage…. Creeps.
So okay, I’m sort of interested in this match… sorry, but I always liked the whole “Big man vs Little Man” set-up… and with both men having long, glorious hair that they are clearly proud of on the line, well that just heightens my interest. I WANT to see who would win… I’m CURIOUS. The fuck… this INTRIQUES me.
Yeah, so one day after Jericho issues the challenge… who should fucking RUSH right out and ANNOUNCE, “Since I have a fucking BUG in the WWE Locker room I KNOW that Nash has been talking about this big movie role he was cast in and that it requires him to go either bald or at least a tight buzz, so he offered to put his hair up in a storyline!!” Without the benefit of adding Spoiler Warnings… oh no, he couldn’t be BOTHERED to let the reader know that maybe this is something they MIGHT NOT want to know in advance… after all, it’s NASH news… who gives a fuck? Right?
Yeah, Mr. Journalist… Mr. Insider… Mr. Meltzer crams pineapples up his ying yang… Dave Scherer… so desperate. So sad.
And of course, once Dave let the cat out… everyone else had no choice but to follow suit. Now the entire match was given away… and I don’t give a fuck WHAT you think about Nash, if you were going to get SummerSlam, you would have been curious as to who’s putting up the hair in this match.
Don’t bother… Jericho wins and Nash gets shaved.
Thanks Dave… thanks a lot. Jerkoff.
Fuckface. Go back to delivering Coke. My site is more popular than yours… or it has been and is about to be again.
When did the NWA/TNA become ECW featuring Jeff Jarrett (who, as far as I can tell, now has exactly one facial expression, that of mock outrage)? AND WHERE IS GOLDY-LOCKS????
That’s all I have to say on that
WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP???
Bash the WWE all you want… but no storyline has been so carefully and delicately told in recent years then the evolution of Evil Kane. They are taking their time with this guy and letting the story unravel slowly. It’s what they should do EVERY TIME!! DAMMIT… WHY CAN’T THEY DO TIS WITH EVE…oh, wait… I already did this “pretend to be outraged” bullshit a couple of stories ago… nevermind.
Anyway, who created this Kane story? The top notch WWE CREATIVE JUGGERNAUT?? Well, according to this guy… NO.
Read carefully… because this is not as cut & dry as you might think…
Last March, I decided I could write better material then what WWE had been writing for the past year or two. I have never been one to fantasy book or anything like that, but I am just about done with college, will have a degree in psychology, and know what wrestling fans like and don't like. I took a try and wrote a RAW, and sent it to alot of people in WWE.
Three days later I have a package from WWE. I get a letter from Stephanie McMahon commending me on my work and "challenging" me to write two more story-lines.
There was also a contract asking me to sign over these 2 story-lines so it becomes their property and a list of what I have to do in the story-line (backstage skit, in-ring promo, match, etc...) and things I couldn't do in the story-line, like rape, murder, or weapons (i.e. guns and knives), but necrophilia and human burnings were encouraged (sorry).
I write the two story-lines, which I was advised should not stray away from the current WWE product and should involve HHH (I am not kidding), but I thought, since I can better the product, I will do some new stuff, but use current veterans too.
Unfortunately, 3 weeks later, I was told I was very qualified but my ideas "weren't consistent" with theirs.
Now, this all happened by the first week of April. I thought that was that. This past Monday I wake up and have registered mail from WWE. The letter says that the have the right to use past materials sent to them, and basically, there is nothing I can do about it.
They also sent a copy of the RAW I wrote, with a stamp from one of their attorney's and dated from the end of March. I looked through the RAW, which I had completely forgotten about, to see what I wrote then is relevant to what is happening now. I was surprised to see the first and last segments I wrote were very similar to what has happened with Kane and his character.
Everything I wrote was the basis for his heel turn, his character development, and the feud he is currently in. The only new aspects of the story-line are the unmasking and a few things Kane has done, but the idea is definitely their. The thing with all of this is that, yes, I did sign a contract saying they could use 2 of my contracts, but this is not one of those story-lines. The RAW I wrote is what got me noticed by WWE, and they sent back that story-line, saying they don't solicit material, which is why I was asked to write 2 story-lines and sign a contract turning over ownership of those.
After a week of talking to many people, both in the know with WWE and not, I have been advised that I should take some kind of action. It is frustrating to want to write for WWE and tryout, only to get rejected, yet they use one of my ideas to start their most successful story-line in quite a while.
Hopefully, I will be able to get more in depth soon, as I have left alto out, just to cover my own ass. I just want to get this story out their and I will keep people updated on what happens. Thanks for taking the time to read this and to those who have helped me and given me advice in the last week.
He told this same story on his website… which you probably never heard of but it does have a pretty well known wrestling guy… one OUTSIDE the IWC.
Does he have a case? Or does the WWE prescribe to the old adage: “Possession is 9/10ths of the law”. I say, give it a shot… so long as he’s ready for a long fight… because the WWE rarely settles out of court when they think they can win.
This isn’t the first time Steph and co. have pulled stunts like this… I’ve heard stories.
Interesting… you can’t write HHH angles… I wonder who gets THAT honor??? Heh… heh… HO!
ANATOMY OF “WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP???”
Just to show you hard unbelievably DIFFICULT it is to sometimes get a story out of someone, I offer you this…
Bob: hey man, did you ever read my article at T(SOME SILLY WEBSITE)ling .com?
Hyatte1com: umm... yeah
Bob: I got another letter overnighted to me Monday from WWE
Bob: they told me they were using one of the storylines I wrote to them last March. I wrote a RAW which led to me getting a letter from Stephanie Mc asking me to write two more storylines. I had to sign a contract saying the two I wrote were their property
Hyatte1com: which ones?
Bob: They sent the RAW back to me, and said they have the right to use old material sent to them, and something from my RAW was being used
Hyatte1com: which one
Bob: I looked through the RAW, which was dated as 3-25-03 from them
Hyatte1com: WHICH ONE
Bob: to see which storyline is relevent to wha tis happening on TV now, and I found a story very similliar to what is happening with Kane
Bob: it involves him turning on RVD, becoming a "monster" and doing bizarre things to people
Bob: not exact to what is happening now, but definitley a basis for it
Hyatte1com: how much did they pay you?
Hyatte1com:... hmm... want to write down your story, right up until tonight, tell my audience everything that happened and get it to me within 90 minutes?
Bob: can it wait a week
Hyatte1com: nope... cause I won't be here
Bob: I am taking legal action tomorrow
Hyatte1com: and taking your story to the press will do nothing to harm your claim
Bob: I just don't want to blow whatever I may have
Bob: maybe I will
Bob: but leave off any of the (DUMB WEBSITE) stuff
Hyatte1com: no problem
Bob: I don't want to get (SOME GUY, NEVERMIND WHO) in trouble, he has been very helpful with all this
Hyatte1com: no problem... get it down and mail it to me
Bob: whats your email
Bob: ok man I will see what I can do
Bob: you think that I have a shot with this stuff
Hyatte1com: you are babbling... put it down in coherent text and I shall judge for you
Bob: what do you mean? Its tough to follow I know
Bob: I want to avoid specifics, at least until I talk to WWE tomorrow
Hyatte1com: you are too excited... please, the more you chat with me the less you write the stuff down...
Bob: alright man
Bob: I can't go into alot of detail, which I am sorry for, because it is an interesting story, but you'll make due
Hyatte1com: JUST DO IT
Bob: whats your email again?
Hyatte1com: ARE YOU HIGH?
Bob: alright, just please leave off the (STUPID WEBSITE NO ONE HAS HEARD OF) off and my email address
Hyatte1com: one more message from you and I will write your story myself... you do NOT want that
Bob: I am sorry, my fucking computer keeps freezing, what is your email
Bob: seriously sorry
Hyatte1com: fuck you... I'm doing the story myself
Hyatte1com: pain in the ass... I have a column to write, I don't have time for you
Bob: I will have it for you in 30, just give me the email
Bob: I am fighting with my girlfriend and trying to look at lawyers sorry
Hyatte1com: firstname.lastname@example.org. You have until 11:30... then I do it myself... and consider your ass blocked
Jesus H… I sort of hoped he wouldn’t send it in… just so I COULD write it myself and blow his deal.
Don’t fuck with me on Sundays, people… I am never in a good mood on Sundays.
WHR’S MY MTHRFCKNG MNY, SSHL???
I was going to put the vowels in your recap, then I remembered that I have a life.
Yeah, that was sort of the idea®.
A great many of you have way too much time on your hands… you actually put the vowels in my Vengeance recap and puzzled out what was probably the worst recap on the web. How bad was it? A good chunk of the recap was cribbed from Buck Woodward’s recap… now THAT’S a recipe for lame recapping!
But many of you tried it… Jesus, people… keep doing stuff like this and I may start wondering just how “cool” my audience really is.
None of you really completed the entire recap… the closest was a girl named Katie Gold… she just missed the whole thing by a single “a”.
However, if you folks feel you should receive partial payment of that $1000… please write to either Widro or Ashishand DEMAND a taste. It makes their DAY to hear from irate readers… especially Ashish, who STILL hasn’t welcomed me back from my vacation last year. Way to go, Ash.
Clearly, you people have too much time on your hands… well, let’s try to change that with something like this:
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS BOOK-OF-THE-TWO-WEEK-CLUB
Flea: Only three writers in the world have ever meant anything, Hi-Needsad8.
Hyatte: Oh yeah, which ones?
Flea: Stephen King, George Orwell…
Flea: (takes a long, drawn-out, desperate pull from his bong – followed by a nice, generous sip from his glass) and… whoever.
Hyatte: Who the fuck is whoever?
Flea: When you know, then you’ll know
You want a classic? Okay, you got it.
Remember that movie about the spy who is shy, distant, smokes three and a half packs of cigarettes a day, takes cold showers, would rather run than fight, and is easily irritated when his concentration is distracted? They made so many movies about him that they had to change actors playing him several times.
You know, those spy movies that have no big, popcorn action sequences? Know the franchise I’m talking about?
No? Hmm, well have you ever heard the old saying, “The movie is never better than the book”? Nine out of ten times, it’s true. Unless, of course, the movie is so different from the book it’s based on that they exist as two completely different entities.
After being out of print for years, someone FINALLY re-released the entire Ian Fleming’s James Bond series of books. All on paperback, all for just $13.00… unless you are a Canadian, then you have to pay $19.00… which shouldn’t be a problem since you hosers seem to only read books about PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING from guys like (scroll down) him.
Casino Royale is the first book about Bond from Fleming. All the basics are there: He is 007, he has a license to kill, he works for the British Secret Service, his head “boss” is called “M”. The main secretary is named “Moneypenny”, there is even a gadget maker named “Q”, and Bond favors nice cars (a Bentley) and high-class accommodations. He eats fine cuisine, he drinks expensive champagne, and he wears custom-made suits. His appearance is impeccable.
But gone are the one-liners, the ever-present wink to the audience, and the womanizing. This is a Bond who is deadly serious all the time, and prefers to be alone whenever possible. Actually, he's a bit of a flake in the book.
And his attitude towards women? Well, just pay close attention to the excerpt below.
Casino Royale introduces us to Bond in Royale, France. His mission is one tailored for his talents. He is to clean out a top Soviet operative named “Le Chiffre” at the Baccarat table. The theory being, if Bond ruins the Soviet high roller in cards, his embarrassed superiors will “retire” him. Sounds easy enough… and rather boring, too.
Toss in Vesper, a fellow British agent in to assist Bond. Vesper has secrets of her own, which leads Bond into some dangerous situations.
There are things to like about this book, the first being this Bond is human. There are no daredevil escapades, no death defying stunts. This Bond actually loses occasionally. He actually gets nervous. You sometimes get the sense that this Bond is in over his head. It’s interesting.
Second, you finish the book with an idea that there is more to the story, Fleming introduces a top secret Russian group named “SMERSH” (translated: Death to Spies) which, by the end of the book, Bond vows to destroy. I got the sense that Casino Royale was merely chapter one of a larger series. So I plan on reading them in order…. don’t even THINK of spoiling shit for me.
As far as the writing style goes… Fleming has some elegant prose going for him. He knows how to keep a story going.
The excerpt selected is the book’s sole car chase. I selected it because it bests shows Bond in “action”, as Fleming envisioned, not as Cubby Broccoli would turn into film. Pay close attention to the sixth paragraph.
The set-up is simple: Bond has just beaten Le Chiffre at the Baccarat tables and now possesses forty million of the Soviet’s money. In response, Le Chiffre and his associates abduct Vesper and leave with her. Bond pursues. Bond is pissed. Check it out:
Bond leapt for the Bentley, blessing the impulse which had made him drive it over after dinner. With the choke full out, the engine answered at once to the starter and the roar drowned the faltering words of the commissionaire who jumped aside as the rear wheels whipped gravel at his piped trouser-legs.
As the car rocked to the left outside the gate, Bond ruefully longed for the front-wheel drive and low chassis of the Citroen. Then he went fast through the gears and settled himself for the pursuit, briefly savouring the echo of the huge exhaust as it came back at him from either side of the short main street through the town.
Soon he was out on the coast road, a broad highway through the sand-dunes which he knew from his morning’s drive had an excellent surface and was well cat’s-eyed on the bends. He pushed the revs up and up, hurrying the car to eighty then to ninety, his huge Marchal headlights boring a safe white tunnel, nearly half a mile long, between the walls of the night.
He knew the Citroen must have come this way. He had heard the exhaust penetrate beyond the town, and a little dust still hung on the bends. He hoped soon to see the distant shaft of its headlights. The night was still and clear. Only out at sea there must be a light summer mist for at intervals he could hear the foglights lowing like iron cattle down the coast.
As he drove, whipping the car faster and faster through the night, with the other half of his mind he cursed Vesper, and M for having sent her on the job.
This was just what he had been afraid of. These blithering women who thought they could a man’s work. Why the hell couldn’t they stay at home and mind their pots and pans and stick to their frocks and gossip and leave men’s work to the men. And now for this to happen to him, just when the job had come off so beautifully. For Vesper to fall for an old trick like that and get herself snatched and probably held to ransom like some bloody heroine in a strip cartoon. The silly bitch.
Bond boiled at the thought of the fix he was in.
Of course. The idea was a straight swop. The girl against his cheque for forty million. Well, he wouldn’t play: wouldn’t think of playing. She was in the Service and knew what she was up against. He wouldn’t even ask M. This job was more important than her. It was just too bad. She was a fine girl, but he wasn’t going to fall for this childish trick. No dice. He would try to catch the Citroen and shoot it out with them and if she got shot in the process, that would be too bad too. He would have done his stuff – tried to rescue her before they got her off to some hideout – but if he didn’t catch up with them he would go back to his hotel and go to sleep and say no more about it. The next morning he would ask Mathis what had happened to her and show him the note. If Le Chiffre put the touch on Bond for the money in exchange for the girl, Bond would do nothing and tell no one. The girl would just have to take it. If the commissionaire came along with the story of what he had seen, Bond would bluff it out by saying he had had a drunken row with the girl.
Bond’s mind raged furiously on the problem as he flung the great car down the coast road, automatically taking the curves and watching out for carts or cyclists on their way into Royale. On straight stretches the Amherst Villiers super-charger dug spurs into the Bentley’s twenty-five horses and the engine sent a high-pitched scream of pain into the night. Then the revolutions mounted until he was past 110 and on to the 120 mph mark on the speedometer.
He knew he must be gaining fast. Loaded as she was the Citroen could hardly better eighty even on this road. On an impulse he slowed down to seventy, turned on his foglights, and dowsed to twin Marchals. Sure enough, without the blinding curtain of his own lights, he could see the glow of another car a mile or two down the coast.
He felt under the dashboard and from a concealed holster took out a long barreled Colt Army Special .45 and laid it on the seat beside him. With this, if he was lucky with the surface of the road, he could open up to get their tyres or their petrol tank at anything up to a hundred yards.
Then he switched on the big lights again and screamed off in pursuit. He felt calm and at ease. The problem of Vesper’s life was a problem no longer. His face in the blue light from the dashboard was grim but serene.
Ahead in the Citroen there were three men and a girl.
Le Chiffre was driving, his big fluid body hunched forward, his hands light and delicate on the wheel. Beside sat the squat man who had carried the stick in the Casino. In his left hand he grasped a thick lever which protruded beside him almost level with the floor. It might have been a lever to adjust the driving seat.
In the back seat was the tall thin gunman. He lay back relaxed, gazing at the ceiling, apparently uninterested in the wild speed of the car. His right hand lay caressing on Vesper’s left thigh which stretched out naked beside him.
Apart from her legs, which were naked to the hips, Vesper was only a parcel. Her long black velvet skirt had been lifted over her arms and head and tied above her head with a piece of rope. Where her face was, a small gap had been torn in the velvet so that she could breathe. She was not bound in any other way and she lay quiet, her body moving sluggishly with the swaying of the car.
Le Chiffre was concentrating half on the road ahead and half on the onrushing glare of Bond’s headlights in the driving-mirror. He seemed undisturbed when not more than a mile separated the hare from the hounds and he even brought the car down from eighty to sixty miles and hour. Now, as he swept round a bend he slowed down still further. A few hundred yards ahead a Michelin post showed where a small parochial road crossed with the highway.
‘Attention,’ he said sharply to the man beside him.
The man’s hand tightened on the lever.
A hundred yards from the cross-roads he slowed to thirty. In the mirror Bond’s great headlights were lighting up the bend.
Le Chiffre seemed to make up his mind.
The man beside him pulled the lever sharply upwards. The boot at the back of the car yawned open like a whale’s mouth. There was a tinkling clatter on the road and then a rhythmic jangling as if the car was lowing lengths of chain behind it.
The man depressed the lever sharply and the jangling stopped with a final clatter.
Le Chiffre glanced again in the mirror. Bond’s car was just entering the bend. Le Chiffre made a racing change and threw the Citroen left-handed down the narrow side-road, at the same time dowsing the lights.
He stopped the car with a jerk and all three men got swiftly out and doubled back under cover of a low hedge to the cross-roads, now fiercely illuminated by the lights of the Bentley. Each of them carried a revolver and the thin man also had what looked like a large black egg in his right hand.
The Bentley screamed down towards them like an express train.
Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? Perfectly “Bond like”, huh?
Well here’s a little teaser: Bond doesn’t fire a single bullet in the entire book. Not one.
This book was first published in 1953. Thirteen Bond books followed. They are not in the order of the movies. For instance, Live and Let Die and Moonraker, two of Roger Moore’s films, are the two immediate follow-ups to this book. Sean Connery’s most famous Bond outings: Goldfinger and Dr. No are the sixth and seventh Fleming book.
So no, you won’t get the movie, but you will get a flawed Special Agent. He will have all the grace and cultural sophistication that you would expect, but you won’t get the one liners.
Ah, and he also beds one girl in the whole book. Just one.
If you want to see where the single biggest movie franchise in history was first born, and want to read a fairly decent spy thriller, start at the very beginning with Ian Fleming’s Casino Royale. I can’t say for sure, but I get the sense that he had a larger story in mind with these Bond books, so play it safe and start from book one.
And if you have to drink a martini while reading, do it the way Fleming originally intended: “Shaken, not stirred” wasn’t it. Try three measures of Gordons, one of Vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake well until it is ice cold, pour in a deep champagne goblet, and add a thin slice of lemon peel.
That is… so cool.
I am fucking Hyatte and by God I will MAKE YOU READ!!!
HOT ASS GOSSIP
Three big blind items for ya! For all you know, I’m making these up… who knows?
Seriously… these are all rumors and innuendo… stuff the homo “serious” reporters simply could not LOWER themselves to report… because being a wrestling reporter is NOT a joke… my God, people mention the name Dave Meltzer in the same breath and tone as Walter Cronkite… Tom Brokaw… EDWARD R. MURROW!!! DEAR CHRIST!!!! DAVE MELTZER IS THE MOST TRUSTED MAN IN AMERICA!!!!
Why, if this was 1963, the world would watch as Dave Scherer announced that John Kennedy is dead, then wipe his eyes in solemn sadness… then blame Stephanie’s Boobs and say the whole thing may be a “shork” (and come to think of it… the bastard might be RIGHT)
1: He is a mad scientist when it comes to storyline ideas. His every move is scrutinized and criticized by everyone. Has he lost his touch? Can he still make his pen perform miracles? Is he completely taken with himself?
Not sure. Maybe we should ask the many, many strippers whom he throws good money at to deliver something he rarely does on his wrestling shows… a “happy ending”.
2: Some say this tall drink of middle aged water wasn’t exactly seeing black when he passed out in that lobby far, far away from where I sit. Some say he was seeing a work free weekend just relaxing on the beach on the company dime. Others say the fall was legit… if only because he’s NEVER been that good a salesman.
3: Who is the current laughing stock in every locker room from here to Japan? Well it’s that loudmouth mid-carder from the 80’s who suddenly got real quiet once he noticed that people in the business actually DOES read the web. Story of his career, actually… lots of talk, lots of potential, but never quiet willing to take it all the way. Life hurts for our bitter, fallen hero who said the things we never knew we even wanted to hear.
So what finally closed the mouth that roared? Can’t say for sure, but word is that if you challenge him to a game of 9 Ball… don’t be surprise if he has a panic attack when you rack ‘em up and he sees the 8 ball sitting in the middle. He may be a lot of things, but color blind ain’t one of them!
BONUS HOT ASS GOSSIP
Just one more… what the hell…. And since I’m feeling good, we’ll make this a NON-blind blind item…
A friend of mine is the manager of a large day spa in Pensacola, FL. A few months ago, this dude came in. He asked why the guy looked so tense and stressed out, and the guy was like "I just quit my job, I was a road manager for matchbox twenty".
When asked why he quit, he said "Basically, because Rob Thomas is the biggest coke addict I've ever seen in my 23 years in this industry."
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, HYATTE
ROB THOMAS = BLUBBERING ITCHY NOSE
There you have it… a rock star has a cocaine habit. Imagine
What’s next, there might be gay men performing on Broadway?
Oh… where exactly HAVE all our cowboys gone?
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
I sniffed around and found some quotes for ya. Don’t get used to seeing these:
Last week, I said 'Suck it' for the first time without saying please- Mick Foley
Not to mention our former tag team champions lost their titles after my good friend Christian was hit in the genitals with a hockey stick by a midget! I mean enough is enough!- Kurt Angle
You can complain about the fact that you have a midget head on a normal sized body, or you can complain about the fact that Benoit in French means 'chipped toothed jackass'!- Chris Jericho
You know Alexander Hamilton? You know, the guy on the ten dollar bill? Do you know how he died? He died in a duel with Aaron Burr. If they'd only worked out their differences in a bra and panties match instead of dueling, he'd still be alive today!- Mick Foley
Canada is lacking two things, it's true. Don't make me say it again. The first is Olympic Heroes... The second thing that Canada is lacking is Memorial Day... We in the States celebrate our war heroes by having barbecues . And I realize here in Canada you can't have barbecues because you'd probably be attacked by a moose or caribou, or even a grizzly.- Kurt Angle
Syxx, I've had more World titles than you've had pieces of ass!- Ric Flair
SHOW YOUR TITS, SHOW YOUR TITS!!
I would, but it’s awfully cold out here, guys!- Kevin Nash
THAT’S RIGHT…. KEVIN NASH!!! WILL SOMEONE IN THE WWE GET THEIR GODDAM HEADS OUT OF VINCE MCMAHON’S GODDAM ASS AND GIVE NASH SOME GODDAM MIC TIME SO HE CAN GODDAM INJECT A LITTLE GODDAM UNPREDICTABILITY INTO THIS GODDAM SHOW?????????
My God… if the people screamed SHOW YOUR TITS with Benoit in the ring, Benoit would get so freaked HE’D make the X spot with his arms over his head and start jumping up and down towards the entranceway. The ref would just gawk at him like, “What are you doing, douchebag?”
SPEND YOUR SUMMER ROLLING AROUND WITH NAKED, SWEATY BOYS!!!
I offer this as a public service announcement:
NWA (UK) HAMMERLOCK SUMMER CAMP
9th Annual Summer Wrestling Training Camp in 2003
This will be the ninth annual Hammerlock summer camp, due to the ever growing popularity of our summer camps and the anticipated attendance that is likely for the summer camp in 2003 we have decided that this year we will hold the summer camp at an alternative venue which is much larger than our regular venue, by doing so there will be advantages for all parties concerned, For example:
There is dormitory accommodation with beds for up to sixty trainees, as such we will be able to run the summer camp over one week period as opposed to the regular two weeks whilst having more space for all activities than previous years.
Coaches and instructors will stay on site in their own private rooms, a limited number of these rooms will be available for female trainee’s so that they can sleep in separate areas from the male trainees.
In addition to the above there is a very large matted training area, kitchen and canteen area Hot snacks such as Burgers, chips etc can be purchased at various times during the day, it will also be possible to purchase breakfast, there are several lecture rooms, a large field for outside activities, a nearby beach, parking right outside of dormitories, many male and female toilets and showers, obviously this is all in addition to the regular facilities offered such as a wrestling ring,
TV/DVD/Video room, supplex dummies etc.
This extra space will enable us to be able to cope with the high demand for places, there will be far more space available than normal so there will be many obvious benefits for the trainee's.
We are very pleased that due to the above mentioned changes to the summer camp we can make it far more fun whilst at the same making it far more productive than ever for the trainees.
The dates of this year’s summer camp are:
Sunday the 10th until Saturday the 16th of August 2003
The Venue Will Be:
The Army Cadet Centre, Jefferstone Lane, St Marys Bay, Romney Marsh, Kent TN29 0SG
The course is recognised, insured and approved by the International Budo Federation, The main coach for the course will be Andre Baker who is a fully qualified, registered and insured I.B.F coach with many years of varied wrestling and martial arts experience, he is also fully qualified by the N.A.B.B.A as a body building instructor. Andre will be assisted by various experienced and prominent members of the NWA (UK) Hammerlock team such as the likes of NWA United Kingdom heavyweight champion"Vigilante" Johnny Moss, Jon Ryan and many more all of whom will be fully qualified, registered and insured with I.B.F.
During the course we mainly cover Professional wrestling although we can cover various other styles of wrestling and Martial Arts if required.
We will as always be on the look out to develop potential new talent from the trainee's in attendence at the camp, we can also offer to anyone interested a ring wrestling grading with I.B.F approved syllabus at the end of the week.
For More Details
To obtain further details on the above training camps and weekly training sessions please do one of following:
1) Send a stamped addressed envelope to our Mailing Address, you will then be sent the latest information by return post.
NWA (UK) Hammerlock Wrestling: PO Box 282 Ashford Kent TN23 7ZZ United Kingdom
2) Request further details by E-Mail, to do so please click on the following address:
NWA (UK) Hammerlock Wrestling
Official Website www.hammerlockwrestling.com
And seeing how the camp started…. YESTERDAY, I suggest you Brits haul ass… and the rest of you non-Brits jump on a plane and haul ass…
Heh… funny thing is, I’ve had this story for a few weeks now… waiting for the PERFECT moment to post it.
MY THREE STOOGES
Hi, There was a time a few years ago when I was a borderline mark. I’d seen Hogan struggling to light a fireball while Warrior turned a blind eye to it and STILL wasn’t 100% certain that wrestling was fake. When I got the internet I finally got my proof that wrestling wasn’t real from a guy called Rick Scaia. He seemed like a reasonable person so I read his columns whenever I saw them.
One day Rick posed a question to his readers about a wrestling move. It was something like ‘Who invented the moonsault?’ or ‘Who else has used the Pedigree?’ I’m not sure what it was exactly, but I jumped on this with quite a bit of enthusiasm. Within an hour I’d not only answered his question, but also given a brief history to it.
Jesus Christ… What was I thinking?
Along came the next “Ask The Rick” and there at the bottom was my answer. Only one slight problem - My name and email address had removed and instead Rick said this:
“I found all of this info from my own research…”
He’d only fucking gone and ripped off all my work and then said it was his. I mean it’s not like it was some major coincidence. The guy didn’t go to the same sites as me and rearranged their info the same way. HE STOLE MY FORMATTING!! He’d even used the same crappy grammar and vocab that I have. IT WAS A DIRECT COPY FROM MY EMAIL.
There was nothing I could do apart from never reading his site again, and I doubt he’d give a shit about that either.
But then there was you, Hyatte.
Your prank on him that had him beating off about a girl he’d never met was perfect in its unnecessary nastiness. It gave me the closure I needed to finally release my hate for The PRick. I only wish I could have seen his face when this girl he loved finally told him it was over.
Name withheld on request.
He’s referring to the time I had a girl seduce the Rick online and had him engage in phonesex. It was one of my prouder moments.
Alas tho’… all good things…
I think it’s time to put this segment to rest for a while – for two reasons.
The first being that, for the most part, my Stooges are losers. Rick Scaia is officially a non-entity now. Sucking Mike Samuda’s balls was easily the smartest move he ever made as it extended his IWC “fame” an extra few years. But Samuda is gone, Wrestleline is gone, and the Rick is now exposed for who he truly is… a lousy writer who never had the balls to take a stand and stick with it.
And Christopher Robin Zimmerman? It recently occurred to me that ol’ CRZ was never the most masculine writer in the world. Check out those recaps he is so damn fire proud of… if there was no name attached, you would have no problem believing that they were written by a woman. I never met the man but I guarantee he is effeminate. He can sit at his board and play tough guy with the kids all he wants. His hands are soft, He’s never built a fort in his life.
Then there’s Scott Keith. Well, neither myself nor Widro wants to make this a “All Scooter, All the time” section… well, actually, I WOULD do it… and I KNOW you would like to see it (does this guy have ANY pure fans? I truly believe he doesn’t have a single reader who gets mad at me for busting on him), but I’m not going to do it… and the reason for that is the second reason why I’m putting the Stooges on Hyattus…
Second: I’m pretty annoyed with you all. Very annoyed actually. I spoke about it last week but now I’ll fill up precious column length by getting to it in-depth.
I do this column once a week… mostly on Sundays. After I submit the column, I’m more or less finished with the topics I have covered. I dedicate one day a week to entertaining you and that’s enough… then I move on and get back to business.
So, I get a little pissed off when I’m tooling away on AOL Instant messenger and I get POUNDED by you people who start goofing on Scooter with me. Like I’m going to put on a little “Hyatte-Performance” for you. Oh man, it was sick… every day, non-stop… “Hey Hyatte, love your stuff about Scott Keith, how about that Owen T-shirt? What’s up with his hair? Etc etc…”
Oh God… LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
It got so bad that I had to lay down the law… I’ll do it loud and clear right here so you can all see: When I’m off-column, when I’m chilling out… I don’t want to talk about him. I know who he is, I know what he’s about, and I feel sorry for him, but some of you folks seem to have a real problem with him… take it elsewhere. Start a support group… build a message boards dedicated to slagging him… I am not the official Scott Keith Net basher… leave me alone. I don’t CARE what he writes in his column… I don’t read his recaps… don’t send me annoying comments he made in his “rants”…. I don’t care… LEAVE ME ALONE.
And just to show how annoyed I am by Scooter chats…. I have decided to punish you all by blocking anyone who mentions his name to me on AIM for a full month. I already have 10 people in the hole… and I know there will be more before this column gets posted. I keep my AIM name open to all so I can have access to column material and because you never know who may drop in and say hi. But I may have to change that policy if this keeps up. Then no one outside of my buddy list will know I’m around.
By the way, when you do contact me… be sure to have SOMETHING TO SAY… I do not respond to “Hey Hyatte”…”what’s up”… or “How’s it going”… it’s none of your business how “it” is going… I am not about to tell you what is “up” with me. And I don’t bullshit… I hate small talk… and am usually very busy. I’m pretty boring to talk to… you’re not going to get the Midnight News guy… do us both a favor and leave me alone.
So that’s why I’m putting My Three Stooges away for a while. Two of the Stooges are useless and you folks have turned me off on ragging on the third. I have something planned for Scott in the very near future anyway, but that’s another thing all together.
So, why don’t I just find three MORE Stooges? Well, because a few years ago, it was fun to rag on people because they always underestimated me… now pretty much everyone is scared to death of me. Plus - judging from the total lack of response I get about him - no one gives a shit, or probably even knows who Pat McNeil is.
So, because you kids won’t leave me alone… we can say goodbye to the Stooges for a while. I’ll bring this back from time to time whenever something of interest comes up
And, of course, I’ll ALWAYS re-open this section whenever I get stuff like this:
CerealPockets: hey there pretty lady
CerealPockets: phone sex??
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error: User OORick is not available.
Chris Aln (8:06:17 PM): You are the only white man to ever make me moist
Chris Aln (8:06:47 PM): Except for Hyatte
Chris Aln (8:08:14 PM): Wanna cyber?
Chris Aln (8:10:42 PM): I'll be gentle
Chris Aln (8:10:59 PM):Just like when Scooter sticks it up your goozle
OORick signed off at 8:11:03 PM.
HAW!!!! I’ll NEVER get sick of that!!! That’ll ALWAYS have a home here.
SHOW ME THE…. UHH… SHOW ME THE… SCRIPT, CAN SOMEONE SHOW ME THE SCRIPT AGAIN, PLEASE?
Oh don’t get used to seeing these either… but since I brought back Live Mic = Danger…
Oh shit, Dan Marino has GOT to buy this car! Well, not this one ‘cause I’m about to fuck it up, but one just like this one- Bad Boys 2
You still a virgin?
Good. You better still be one after you bring my daughter home
There will be no fucking tonight
Ever make love to a man?
Want to?- Bad Boys 2
Ready to take this home? No? Too bad, ‘cause I am.
THE GREAT WRESTLING SMOKE-OUT
I re-run and update this bit every so often… because this is the kind of information Dave Scherer is AFRAID to report!! (too damn busy inventing dumb terms like “shork” and “The Triple H effect”, and “Stephanie’s Boobs” and too busy spreading rumors that Wade Keller likes to blow young, hairless Latino boys… which may not be exactly a rumor but, well I’ve said enough (Shameonyoukellershameshameshame)
Okay, for those, who are arriving late the party, a recap:
The following folks were named as being seen sparking the Marlboro’s:
Lex Luger, El Gigante, Jason: The World's Sexiest Man, Andre the Giant (although he probably quit by now), Rick Rude (him too), Yokozuna (him three),The Big Show, Ricky Morton, Yokozuna, Nick Patrick, Tommy Rich, One of the Hebners (the one who screwed Bret at the Survivor Series), One of the white Dudleys, Superstar Bill Graham, The Sandman, Jim Duggan (in High school at least), Jimmy Snuka, William Regal, James Vandenberg , Gene Okerlund, Philip Lafon, Kane, Brian Christopher, Road Dog, Pat Patterson, Jake Roberts, Balls Mahony, Van Hammer, Scotty Riggs, Edge, Senator Atsushi Ohnita, Rena Mero, Sting, Harley Race, Terry Funk, Gene Kiniski, George "The Animal" Steele, Ray Stevens, Jim Ross, John Kronus, Road Warrior Hawk, Jack Brisco (may have since quit), Sid Vustice/Jicious, The Iron Shiek, Michael P.S. Dok Hendrix Freebird Hayes, Adrian Adonis (although no one has seen him smoke anything lately, on account of him being deader than my pecker when Gramma takes out her teeth) Ted DiBiase, Dan Spivey, and Randy Savage
Oh and everyone’s hero, Mr. Health, CHRIS THE FUCK BENOIT has been busted with the vile nicotine… CHRIS BENOIT!!!!
Baron Miquel Sicluna enjoys a pipe.
Then you have people like Debra and Jerry Lynn and Francine who MIGHT smoke.
When he’s nice and drunk, Shawn Michaels can pound them down.
I'll pound nails into my pecker if Missy Hyatt isn't a smoker. Have you HEARD her voice?
Here are some guys who have been seen chewing tobacco...now I have been dipping Copenhagen for over a decade now..so I consider these guys my brothers in spit: Terry Funk, Kurt Angle, The Undertaker, Steve Austin, Rick Steiner, Dusty Rhodes, Dustin Rhodes, Rick Rude (again, chances are that he gave it up by now) and the BIGGEST chain chewer of all time.... TAZ
And since drugs and wrestling go together as naturally as “Hyatte” and “KY Jelly”… there is no sense in NOT reporting real life witnessed accounts of wrestlers partaking in a bit of… hrmm…. “recreational activity frowned upon by the good people of the American Justice Department”
Tammy Sytch and Chris Candido have had their share of problems
Years ago, someone was at a party with Shawn Michaels and Road Warrior Hawk, and... well... they were both seen smoking (AN EXTREMELY NASTY SUBSTANCE) from a can... and it wasn't the mary jew wanna either... (once again, this was a LOOOONG time ago and both men have changed their ways and have SEEN THE LIGHT... and it COULD be bullcrap too... so no suing!)
And of course, what was Brian Christopher fired from the WWF for… hmm… I forget?
Rob Van Dam once asked someone if they had any pot on them. Tommy Rich BLEW OFF a fan in order to get high too. Someone claimed that Brian Pillman and Steve Austin shared a doobie with a friend of his during their brief stay in ECW.
Jimmy Snuka is said to be a HUGE pothead, and recently fessed up to being a coke fiend. Scott Hall has been known to be up to no good too
And now… a BRAND NEW addition to the ranks:
It seems that Kid Kash smokes the root nightly, daily, and anytime in-between… oh, and he likes his pot too…. BOING.
It’s been fucking months since I did this… and the only addition I have is Kid F-ing KASH???
STILL no word on whether Stephanie lights ‘em up… I find it hard to believe that this information is top secret enough to keep such huge players as Meltzer, Keller, and Scherer from revealing!!! Or perhaps the WWE wants to keep the Princess’s image all young and innocent!
How about some updates… it’s been a while…. surely you have seen something that you shouldn’t have…. Let’s tear down some MORE images…. BY GOD, LET’S EXPOSE THE RASSLERS AS HUMAN BEINGS AFTER ALL!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes, and in case you’re wondering… Trish Stratus does NOT smoke… Trish Stratus is PERFECT!! SHUT UP, SHE’S PERFECT AND A VIRGIN AND MINE, MINE, MINE YOU CAN’T HAVE HER!!!!!! NONE OF YOU CAN!!!!!!
And she hasn’t blocked my fat ass forever…. She’s just VERY VERY BUSY!!! AND HER COMPUTER IS BROKEN!!!! YEAH, THAT’S IT!!! YEAH!!!!
Anyway… I’m pretty sure I won’t be here next week, but someone will fill in… someone you like… unless he bags out… which he shouldn’t… but who knows.
I’ll send something to Flea’s site in the middle of this week, so he’ll have something from me there.
I’ve totally run out of things to say. No, I mean it.
This is Hyatte
See, I told you.