The Midnight News 09.15.03
Posted By Hyatte on 09.15.03
The Not Really Gay Chef, The Totally Gay Devil Worshipper, Missy, Generation X, Angle, Widro, Free Advice, NoSoul, The IWC Killer, and Why Sundays Will Rule Once Again!
A couple of nice ones… just for variety:
Since you seem to know a lot about good authors and books, I was wondering
what's your opinion of Stephen King and some of his books. Namely Salem's
Lot, Needful Things, Regulators, The Shining, etc.
Here, a segment that reviewed 99.9% of King’s work is sitting near the bottom of this column o’ mine from last September. Pretty in-depth piece on my part.
Why don't you recommend some Steinbeck? He's one of the three or four best American writers ever, and he never ran off to France to be an 'artist' like Hemingway and all his pals did. He never said he was an artist, just a writer. You have to like him for that reason alone. Or some James Baldwin for your black readership, even though the guy TRANSCENDS RACE!! Or Ray Carver, who also transcends race, and I don't even know what that means. Even though he's kinda like a happy Bukowski. Except for that one story where the guy bashes the chick with the rock. That was a downer.
(you live in) Cumberland, huh? I went to school there. That Catholic school on the hill. Long time ago. You're not that bearded guy who hangs out at The Ice Cream Machine are you?
None of your goddam beeswax WHAT I do and WHERE I do it and WITH WHAT sort of facial hair I’m sporting at the time. Got that, Charlie?
I wouldn’t recommend Steinbeck because the goal is NOT to jam classics down people’s throat… tough enough getting these MTV, PS2, pot-toking, disillusioned hippies to read ANYTHING, much less a hundred year old book.
And lookee here, the concept seems to be WORKING!
I read Casino Royale. And this is what the Hyatte Book Club is all about. I would have NEVER read this book on my own, mostly because I think the movies are boring shit. I didn't buy it for a few weeks after your column because I was that disinterested.
Well, good job, Hyatte. Great book. I might read the rest of the series. There are certain things I don't expect from James Bond. I don't expect him to get pissy, or think about things realistically, or fail, or be annoyed with women, to fall for a woman and be screwed over, or receive cock and ball torture. Especially the CBT. When I think of Bond I do not think of CBT.
And the final line is one of the better ones I've read.
There ya’ go.
(from last week’s flame letter/top ‘o the column funfest):
"C: Oh, HE’S the reason I went on hyattus? Okay then.
E: Someone’s spell check is broken!!"
Perhaps you mean hiatus? Like I said you're not as witty (or intelligent) as you think you are.
Or maybe, JUUUUST maybe I was referring to a small joke coined by CRZ (years ago, before he started dating man-girls) and later picked up by Flea referring to my habit of taking long, extended “vacations”… I don’t know… could that POSSIBLY be the reason why I mixed “Hyatte” with “hiatus”? Or did a supergenius like YOU just bust me?
*sigh…. Like I said last week, I know exactly how witty AND how smart I am… the problem here is a good chunk of YOU do not.
Now this one is a culmination of several e-mails from the same guy from last week. Here he is explaining WHY he kept sending me e-mails for the last two week:
I wanted you to post the my mail in your artical and make an ass of yourself. It was a bet my friend did not belive you where a big doosh so now you made me another buck so you can piss off now little guy.
I'm sick of your little game also you do not have my permission from this point on to publish any of my e-mails or my name on any web site. Done playing with ya. you keep up your game and see what happens do we understand each other I hope so. Now in the nicest way FUCK OFF.
Go ahead and post and watch the fun. like I said before you as of my last e-mail have no right to use my name or anything I have wrote to you anymore in any sort of print of any kind. Its all legal like to so test me fool..
Well color me piddling my pants.
Hiya Bone Smugglers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. We start out somber, crank the rasslin news on HIGH, jack up the high octane comedy to 11, then ease things down with… with… why am I suddenly doing a Jay Bower impersonation?
Here it is, Monday and the last time someone popped up in this little headline news space was last Wednesday… looks like THE MACHINE IS STARTING TO RUN OUT OF OIL!!!!! LOOKS LIKE COLLAPSE IS IMMINENT!!!
Actually, somewhere in here lies the explanation.
Let’s get going, shall we?
COME AND KNOCK ON HEAVEN’S DOOR
Three men, three deaths.
Johnny Cash: Cash had so many diseases he must’ve invented a few all his own. This was not a shock to anyone. Since I never gave him much attention in my life (although I suspect that will change over time), I’ll leave his eulogy to people more capable.
Warren Zevon: Letterman loved him, which makes him cool because Letterman doesn’t love too many people. I wonder if his hair was perfect when he passed?
John Ritter: Now this guy, I WILL talk about. Here was a guy, a star, who participated in every telethon that called. Here was a guy who NEVER showed up on Barbara Walters or People magazine talking about a drug problem, his alcoholism, his sex addiction, or his kiddie porn collection. All he did was show up on B-shows like Conan, Kilbourn, and Wayne Brady and just made people laugh. I never saw him without a smile, and when he had no show, I just never saw him period. He worked and when he wasn’t working, he stayed home with his family and didn’t show up at premieres in order to “be seen”. He knew his strengths and played up to them. By all accounts, he was a professional actor who showed up for work every day, did his job without complaining, and went home to his family. Was he a HUGE star? No… but people liked him. People trusted him. I knew that if John Ritter was on the show, it wouldn’t be 100% shit. The man loved what he did and it showed.
Hollywood lost one of it’s nicest guys last week… and I don’t like it.
And no, I never saw a single episode of “8 Simple Rules For… blah blah blah”… didn’t need to… I was just glad to see John Ritter was on TV.
So, just for the hell of it… here’s my one, lame impression of the great John Ritter:
THINK OF ALL THOSE HOMELESS FAKE TITTIES!!!
This just in…
It appears that Missy Hyatt’s great Wrestling Vixxxen’s, “we are THISCLOSE to doing porn” web site is gone. Go ahead, see what happens when you click the link.
Clearly, had Missy done the SMART… and NOBLE thing and balled my brains out after I offered her a lifetime of promotion just for a little nookie (actually, a LOT of nookie, but girl, you would NOT have been bored!), this wouldn’t have happened…
Alas… and Tammy Sytch tells me that Missy was WELL AWARE of the proposal… but since I was sending her new members anyway, there was no need to fulfill her end of the deal.
Tsk tsk tsk… Hyatte giveth, and Hyatte taketh away… if only Hyatt had giveth… what a shame, what a shame.
In a related story, I haven’t spoke to Tammy Sytch lately but you can still mail her. I’m hoping you all are being on your best behavior… or not, she swears she can handle the flames.
R.I.P Vixxxens… a little Net God Luv would’a made all the difference for you.
And Trish Stratus, with a sexed up DVD on it’s way into stores… take note of this… HYATTE SELLS PRODUCT!!!
I STILL AIN’T PAYIN FOR THIS SHEEEIT
I paid a penny, saw the NWA-TNA overview show, and felt RIPPED OFF.
You know… after watching an X-Division match go for about 20 minutes, and watching these guys smash themselves all over the place, take incredible bumps, fly dozens of feet everywhere and land hard and badly… then sell it for 5 minutes before getting back up and doing it all over again, I sort of figured out why I am outgrowing wrestling.
There is such a thing as TOO unbelievable.
I know most of you imbeciles HATE the Undertaker… but when he is selling an injury in a match, he sells it FROM BELL TO BELL… he doesn’t conveniently forget about it while setting up the next big bump… Hulk Hogan knows how to do that too.
There is such a thing as pacing. X-Division matches are like bad action/popcorn movies with just one monster car chase after another… one giant explosion after another. A GOOD action movie (take Terminator 2 for example) knows how to get the STORY in between sequences without BORING the audience. The X Division guys certainly SO tell a story… but it’s secondary to all the big, crazy bumps that they sell for a few minutes before getting up fresh as a daisy..
AND WHERE ARE THE GODDAM BLACK EYES??? Would it kill ANYONE to sprout a black fucking EYE once in a while??? Would it kill one of these lunatics to show up on the show one day with a busted nose and say, “God, my head is still spinning from the shot I took last week!” No, these guys are apparently supermen… nothing hurts them for long.
What I’m saying is… it’s all overkill… too much stuff. Pace the shit out, boys… give the audience a little each time… Shawn Michaels always knew how to do that just right.
Plus, Jeff Jarrett is NOT a superstar… I’m sorry
Raven is… but the review show featured him as a Face going after Shane Douglas, then as a Heel going after Jeff Jarrett with no explanation either way. The fuck is that?
For a penny, I got what I paid for… but I have no desire to pay up the full booty for next week… so the show failed.
And I’ll hump a rabid porcupine if Mike Tenay isn’t still a goddam LUSH!! He could barely stand steady during that show.
I’D SELL MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL IN ORDER TO SING PATSY CLINE’S “CRAZY”
When Kevin Sullivan ate his way out of professional wrestling (and drank… oh Lord, did he drink) Jim Mitchell surveyed the business and said, “By God, we need to get SATAN back into this profession!”
So he showed up on NWA/TNA telecasts and, after some fine tuning, now plays the Devil!!
And he plays it to the hilt, with tweaked eyebrows, flaming red suits, and long, jet black hair sitting behind a widow’s peak! Oh that cackle of his… nothing says “Satan’s Infernal bitchdog soldier” more than a good cackle!! He is money, baby. Money from HELL, but money all the same!!
The WWE took notice and offered him a contract… a standard (I guess, how would I know?) managerial contract of about $500 a week! More if he assumed an agent role.
Mitchell said no… why? Because a WWE gig would surely MESS UP his OTHER job… that of running a Karaoke business.
Can you imagine? Can you imagine a bloated, middle-aged guy with jet black hippie hair and fey eyebrows with a penchant for gaudy suits running around the South hitting every bar he can with his unique brand of karaoke?? He probably smokes too… like a chimney…
Can you imagine your sister going to a bar for a few beers and being hit on by… by THAT???
That boy ain’t Satan… but what you have here is a walking, talking, living, breathing PERSONIFICATION of something worse!!
He ain’t Satan… but I have looked at that trash and BY GOD, IT IS WHITE!!!
In other words… Mitchell… grow up, fool… karaoke does 5 years ago… you are embarrassing yourself. You are just one small step below DJ at a strip club!
Right now, I am totally seeing this guy singing “My Way” in a quarter full room of depressed drunks and toothless waitresses….
I’m sure the REAL Satan would have a BIT more class.
GUIDE TO LIFE: THE SAMPLER EDITON
In case you didn’t notice, I checked the questions I have loaded for my Guide to Life column over at Flea’s site and decided that none of them is of the life or death nature (except for that one guy with the brain tumor, but I’ll get to you first thing NEXT column, buddy boy! Hang in there, Hyatte’s coming!!) so I could afford to take a week off…. especially since the guy who runs the site is apparently taking a MONTH off.
So, I thought that, for those of you who haven’t yet checked out my new column where I answer any and all questions that come my way, I’d pluck a random pair out of my mailbox and answer them, just to show everyone what I’m up to when I’m not wasting my life on this rasslin’ nonsense.
This one is about regrets, and going back in time, and other Lifetime Movie Of The Week plot devices:
My sr year in high school my girfriend of 2 years her family and her moved to Arizona, I live in Chicago. We were in love I knew she knew it but there was really nothing we could do she was 2 years younger then me and pretty much had to go. fast forward 13 years she comes back into the area and I run into her at the grocery store we talk she was recently divorced 2 kids. I have been married for 5 years 2 kids my self. My problem is I can't stop thinking about her. I'm fairly confident from our conversation if I wanted we could hook up. Ive never cheated on my wife. I'm not sure I would know how to get away with it. my question is. Is the memories I have of her at 16 worth risking my marriage and having my kids hate me? I know the answer is no but how do I stop thinking about her?
Oh Hugo… grow the fuck up.
No, for real. It’s not the girl you had when you were sixteen that you are obsessing on, it’s the life you had at sixteen. No responsibilities; as fast as a cheetah; lousy in the sack, but with the STAMINA that makes up for it; clean, tone, hairless little bod and for chrissakes, that feeling of invincibility that all youngsters have!
Now you’re old… maybe a little fatter, got’cha kids, your wife, and your hair that keeps falling down the drain by the clumpful whenever you shower. Those beers you pound are a lot tougher to sweat off, ain’t they?
You’re getting old, sport… everyone is. We start dying at 24… everything before then is a goddam party. You see this girl and it takes you back… back to a simpler time.
With the exception of many top female actressess and pop singers, teenage girls are, for the most part awkward, clumsy, and unsure of everything they do. Obviously, she’s a far cry from the woman you are drooling over now. Bet you’re thinking: “Damn, I could’a had THAT!!”… well, stop a minute and think WHY the girl’s divorced… it’s not ALWAYS the husband’s fault, you know.
So, you can’t stop thinking about her because she makes you feel young, you old fart. Deal with it. I SAID DEAL WITH IT!!
OR… tap that ass once, just once. Make sure she understands that it’s a once in a lifetime thing, get it over with and go back home to your WIFE, who is completely innocent and doesn’t deserve this. Tap it once and be sure to realize just how uneventful the whole thing was. The fantasy is ALWAYS better than reality, sporto… always.
Tap it and prepare for a let-down. Don’t tap it and treat your wife with respect.
I think you know what to do here.
This next story is pretty fucked up. Don’t believe me?
This is a pretty fucked-up story, but hell, might as well ask for some advice.
This past summer, I had my first real girlfriend. I met her at a concert. I'm fairly shy around women, so its hard for me to ask them out. For some reason, I just felt comfortable around her. Only problem was, she lived in a city two hours away, and was just here to see the band playing (she was friends with them). We exchanged information and kept in contact, over the phone and computer and things like that. We'd hook up every so often, usually just for a day or two.
Her sister is coming to my town for a day, and asked if she'd like to pick me up and take me home with her, so I can spend some time with my girl. I had some money saved up, and figured this was as good a chance as any to really get to know her. So we go up there and the girl -seems- happy to see me. But the surprised look on her face also had a touch of "What the fuck are YOU doing here?!". Despite that, I end up staying, staying with a friend of hers.
Two weeks into the trip, one of her longtime friends dies. Kind of puts a downer on things. I do the good boyfriend thing and console her, hugging and talking to her and all that. After that she starts hanging out with her friends more, leaving me alone at the house. She tells me its cause they all knew the guy who died, and she needs to spend time with them. I, not wanting to be a jerk, said okay. I don't see her very much for the next week, until I end up going back home.
The next thing I know, she dumps me. Over the computer no less. She told me she didn't want to do it to my face, or somesuch shit. She said I wasn't supportive of her when her friend died, that I wasn't there for her, some other shit. It sucked and it hurt, especially when I tried to stay friends and she seemed to just push me further away. So I cut my losses, went about my business.
This is where shit gets weird. I'm online a few nights ago, and a friend of hers IM's me. Asking if I remembered holding her when she was crying over her friend. I said yeah. Then he askes me if I remembered feeling her up while she was crying. What the hell? This came completely out of left field, but he went on to tell me that she told him I molested her while she was crying over a dead friend. I was shocked. Then went on to tell me how I was doing a bunch of drugs while I was with her (I smoked a bowl of the green... with her sister no less) and that I was asking people to borrow money (I did borrow a hundred from the person I was staying with, so I could stay an extra week. She didn't mind because I was helping her clean her house while I was there). Shortly after, her sister IM's me as well, yelling about how I'm a sick fuck who's going to burn in hell after she comes down here and slits my throat.
Reaching my point, I have to wonder now: What the fuck am I going to do? All the facts to this point in the direction of "Bullshit." I was still with her a week after this supposedly happened, without her saying anything, and in fact with us still kissing and fooling around and whatnot (we never had sex, she's a virgin and I'm... don't want to sound egotistical, but I'm above-average downstairs, and it scared her). And this all took place about two months ago, yet she only speaks up about this now? It doesn't make sense. And what do I do if her crazy ass friends come up here to kill me? I've met them, they're not the smartest people in the world. They might do it.
Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.
Well, thank GOD you live so far away!
First of all, neither her, her sister, nor her friends are gonna do shit to you. Forget about it. Everyone is a big talker online (Hiya!!) and over the phone. Everyone’s a tough guy. But in person, no one wants to go to jail. Everyone’s a pussy in real life. Relax, you’re safe. Trust me.
Second of all, chick virgins are weird. She’s so pre-occupied with her virginity that any move you make on her, any sort of touch, she over-analyze for sexual advances. You probably did rub up against her titty, probably without even knowing you did (yeah right, who you kidding, chuckles?). Well, it was such a small time, no-big-deal type of thing, something 90% of the female population would shrug off as an accident, that you plum forgot about it. She didn’t. She turned it into a drama. Girls love to do that. Trust me, in a few years she’ll be telling future dates about how you almost raped her.
When you showed up for an extended stay, the first thing that popped into her head was “Oh shit, he’s gonna want to do it!”, so in a sense, that friend who died was a blessing to her. It gave her a good excuse to stay away from your python.
And actually, dude, I get the sense that you really did just bum around the place getting high and borrowing money. So I can’t blame them for spreading those rumors around… just remember that as the official Bad Guy to Princess Mary Jane Chastity Belt, you have to do bad things. If that was the best that they came up with, consider yourself lucky.
Here’s what you do, block the IM names (her sister will never, EVER believe your nappy ass, no matter what you tell her), ignore the hang-up phone calls, and laugh off the silly threats. In time everyone will move on and you can chalk this up as a valuable lesson and a good story to tell your future girlfriends.
The lesson, of course, is: Virgins take too much damn work.
While we are on the subject of young lust, and giving advice:
HYATTE’S ANNUAL ADVICE TO THE CHILDREN
I believe I have made this announcement every year since the old Mop-Up days at Scoops, it is the closest thing I have to tradition:
It’s a helpful hint to all college boys out there, aimed more directly at Freshmen, but everyone can pay attention.
Hi guys. It’s college. No parents, no rules (except for those pesky class schedules) and lots of time for some hard-core drinking and even harder-core sex.
Usually, of course, the harder-core sex follows the hard-core drinking… so with that in mind:
Always remember… if she’s out cold… ask her if she wants to have sex… then grab her head and nod it up and down. BOOM, she just said yes. Go to TOWN, MY BROTHER!!
This has been a public service announcement from Chris Hyatte, The Midnight News, and 411man… oh, hold on… yeah? Yeah? Okay… I just found out that 411mania wants nothing to do with this public service announcement.
Oh, and don’t do drugs… other than some pot… and a little acid won’t kill you… X is good too… and blow… if you REALLY HAVE TO… but that’s it.
WORDS OF WID(S)RO(M)
With the excitement of a virgin with $50 and directions to a Puerto Rican whorehouse in the Bronx, Widro had announced that he is currently on vacation from EVERYTHING and has asked the hundreds of 411 writers to NOT bug him… Ashish has things FIRMLY in control.
Which, of course, explains why we haven’t seen a news report/column since LAST WEDNESDAY… *cough
Anyway, in honor of the little monkeyspank, we take a brief trip down memory lane and fill up precious column space with THIS:
Hyatte1com: I'm going to ask you a serious question
Hyatte1com: do you remember you're first blowjob?
Hyatte1com: What was his name?
Hyatte1com: HAW HAW HAW
Hyatte1com: now say something Widro-ey... 'cause this is for the column
Widro: if it wasn't for the hits, you would have been canned months ago
Hyatte1com: nah, that's Ashish
Hyatte1com: Ah Widro... guys our age have the world by the tail!
Widro: Our age?
Widro: You're 36
Hyatte1com: The Fuck I am!! I am a spry 26
Widro: You were 29 three years ago!
Hyatte1com: WHOOPS!!! GOTTA GO!!
I logged off before he could respond. 36... how dare he. Little squirt.
VENGENCE IS MINE, SAYETH THE HYATTE!!!
I am... SO gay.
(sniff, sniff… yeah, this is pretty ripe)
I never get to talk to Widro much anymore… because some of the 411 writers in the other zones keep trying to get a nice chat with him for THEIR columns and he hates it, so he’s paranoid… hey dickheads… HOW ABOUT DOING SOMETHING ORIGINAL FOR A CHANGE!!!
Kurt Angle told some college kids that he’ll be teaming with John Cena in the future. The plan works two-fold: 1- it elevates Cena and 2- the comedy bits these two will no doubt have will remind the people that the best worker in the company is STILL essentially whiter than Donny Osmond
He also kissed the ass of Bret Hart, Brock Lesnar, and anything moving named “McMahon”… oh yes, everything is fine in the WWE… no problems at all.
He sdaid that he would LOVE to wrestle Bret Hart at WMXX, but too bad he’s set to lose to HHH in the Brand vs Brand ultimate showdown!!! (actually, I’ll bet he wins)
Angle has been working 40 minute matches with Brock Lesnar this weekend to warm up for that big Iron Man brouhaha that I plan on missing because Survivor is on (the people are being tossed on the island with NOTHING BUT THE CLOTHES ON THEIR BACK, PEOPLE!!! CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THE RAMIFICATIONS, HERE???)… but be prepared for a let-down as word is Brock may have injured his knee Sunday night… time will tell if the big dope sucks it in and goes for it.
There, a touch of wrestling news wedged in between the bullshit AIM chats… HPPY NOW??? GOT YER POUND OF FLESH???? GOOD!!!
THE RISE AND FALL OF THE NET GOD KILLER
This may bore you, see for yourself for a few minutes then scroll away to the next segment if you find yourself yawning, I honestly wouldn’t blame you.
This tale falls under the category of “Delusions of Grandeur”:
BiGTom3435 (11:50:14 PM): All I wanted was a simple yes or no, no big deal.
BiGTom3435 (11:50:22 PM): But you had to make me verbally rape you.
From two weeks ago, in an AIM chat I posted showing how drunk I was.
Now, whether he “verbally raped me” or not is up to YOU to decide… I have my doubts, but oh well, I was willing to let it go with a smile and move on.
Problem is, Big Tom couldn’t. He became rather enamored with the fact that he held his own against drunk ol’ me, and then he started wondering if he, maybe, was the boy who could FINALLY TAKE ME DOWN!!!
He hunted me down the day after I posted the fight and claimed that ten whole people contacted him, congratulating him on whuppin’ my tired ol’ ass… of course, I asked to see these ten congratulatory notes… he could only come up with four… he “lost” the rest.
So he went to rspw and posted this:
Subject: The Hyatte Buster
From: BigTom3435@hotmail.com (BigTom3435)
Date: 03/09/2003 03:17 GMT Daylight Time
I wish to introduce myself to you all, those of you who frequent 411wrestling may know who I am, or you may not. But I have been featured in a couple of the great Hyatte's columns. Just recently I tore his ass apart and have received much support from all Hyatte Hater's. So if you follow the same ideals I do please let me know, and if any websites want a columnist who is more than capable to bring them publicity and fans and a nice little feud to geth their site recognized then I am your man. On top of that my wrestling knowledge far exceeds Hyatte's lame Janitorial Ass or Scott Keith's " I still live at home with mama ." So let's get thhis part started and you can find me on AIM with BigTom3435.
Yeah, see… he understands that the first rule to taking me down is to get ON A WEBSITE!! That sort of helps.
Anyway, someone saw this, had a laugh, set himself with the AIM name “Sshannon ECW” and talked to him. I won’t hit you with the entire transcript, but here are ACTUAL quotes from BigTom: the Hyatte Buster… I swear, it’s ALL true:
As I have stated before, it would be more than my pleasure to single handedly rip him apart.
I don't care about becoming a great internet power, but if that's what happens then that's what happens.
I thought about IM'ng CRZ.
have you seen what I have done to him before ? you could say I make mince meat out of him
I feel like I am a nuclear missile, and Hyatte is the Bikini Atoll.
The day of bringing it to Hyatte has been long in production.
well there was one time I wa sposted in his article as hotlips1341 another time where my mastery of verbage and wit out did him .
if you want to do something about him, I need a decent website to voice the opinions I have for wrestling and Hyatte.
on top of that I could prolly take out scott keith if anybody wanted to see it.
If Hyatte’s Darth Vader you can call me the Emperor then.
I am i npre-law, but I am telling you I can devote enough time to take this joker out.
My favorite is when he called himself the nuke to my bikini atoll.
And as he admits, he sometimes likes to wander around AIM as a girl named HotLips1341… so watch out boys. (no wonder he was eager to deal with Sean Shannon, who, by the way, recently wrote about how close he is to killing himself for the 100th time… a personal record, to be sure… take a bow Sean, God bless ya!)
It should also be noted that during these two chats, Sshannon ECW promised the Hyatte Killer that Rick Scaia, Scotsman, AND Herb Kunz were all on board for this.
In fact, Scotsman showed me the transcript of when BigTom approached him…
So, the guy’s obviously feeling good… he has me RUNNING SCARED… he knows that I know that he can take me down WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE… he knows that I must be SHAKING IN MY PANTS over him! The end is near for Chris Hyatte… BigTom 3435 is gonna DESTROY ME ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!
Then… well… he made the mistake of going for round two with me…
…and this time, I wasn’t drunk.
BigTom 3435: You all are funny, a tight little circle of 30 year old fat ass balding losers who write about wrestling all day.
BigTom 3435: You get shit on, and someone comes crawling back to get into The Great Hyatte's good graces, lol. funny shit.
Hyatte1com: yeah, why not. It's not as pathetic as a guy actively seeking an army to take me out all based on the way he brilliantly points out how lame my comebacks are.... and that's about it
BigTom 3435: Ahhh
Hyatte1com: You didn't shit on me, slamboy... if you really burnt me I wouldn't have posted the chat
BigTom 3435: that's the first valid point you have presented to me .
Hyatte1com: and look, a little bit of fame goes right to your head
BigTom 3435: Not really.
Hyatte1com: running around, begging people for a web site to take me out... HAW and you call ME sad? HAW HAW
BigTom 3435: I didn't actively seek this out, people came to me.
Hyatte1com: I have the posting, studly
Hyatte1com: You invited anyone and everyone to join you
Hyatte1com: and out of two people, one of them laughed at you enough to show me the transcripts
Hyatte1com: and Scotsman laughed too
BigTom 3435: scotsman is a fag.
Hyatte1com: "uuhh, sorry to bother you, Scotman sir, but... if it's not too much trouble... do you know Sean Shannon's IM name, sir? It would be a big honor if you would tell me?" HAHAHA!!
Hyatte1com: suck ass
BigTom 3435: yes....2 people.
BigTom 3435: you're the lamo from where I sit.
Hyatte1com: ooo, good comeback
Hyatte1com: I can't compete
BigTom 3435: Go Back to your janitors closet and beat off to Janitor's Monthly.
Hyatte1com: WAIT… wait… let me respond to that… no, YOU'RE the lamo!!
BigTom 3435: I heard the centerfold has 4 teeth this month.
Hyatte1com: No, YOU’RE the lamo!!!!
Hyatte1com: and use your brilliance to produce proof of my employment as a janitor, and I'll leave the net forever and YOU can have the Midnight news
BigTom 3435: nah thanks
Hyatte1com: come on... yeah, that's what I thought
BigTom 3435: I would if I had the time.
Hyatte1com: right… haven’t you been begging for a column? Didn’t you just ask me to have Widro give you a 411 column?
Hyatte1com: I guess you’re too busy asking people if they want fries with that whopper
BigTom 3435: hahahaha
Hyatte1com: I know... tough, time consuming racket, that fast food industry
BigTom 3435: sure if that's what JMU is.
Hyatte1com: plus, building that army to take me down once and for all... yep... where DOES the time go?
BigTom 3435: Just call me a Burger Peddler Captain Hyatte!
Hyatte1com: Plus all the time you have to use seducing boys as Hotlips… there is simply not enough hours IN THE DAY, BY GOD!!!
Previous message was not received by BigTom 3435 because of error (1:06:28 PM): User BigTom 3435 is not available.
Hyatte1com: Like I said… YOU’RE THE LAMO!!!
Previous message was not received by BigTom 3435 because of error (1:06:28 PM): User BigTom 3435 is not available.
He ran away.
The sad part is, I was just warming up.
Ladies and gentlemen, in the future, if you plan on going after a noted web guy and brutally stripping him down until he is nothing but a mass of useless, spineless jelly, please, for the love of God, do NOT LET HIM RUN YOU OFFLINE DURING A GOOD FIGHT!!!
And here’s more advice… there is a goddam reason why I am feared. There’s a goddam reason why Scooter and The Rick never acknowledge me. They know I don’t lose these things… I don’t lose these pissing contests… you can’t take me down, you can’t beat me… it’s impossible.
AND I KNOW HOW FUCKING RIDICULOUS THIS ALL THIS… but you have to understand, there is a good chunk of the audience here who is having a good laugh at this guy’s expense right now.
Wow, that nuclear bomb just pulled a u-turn and crawled right back into it’s silo, didn’t it? Never saw that happen before.
Heh… heh heh heh… ha ha ha.
He still pops in every so often with some one or two sentence threat, but always when I’m away.
So… who’s fucking next?
NOSOUL OH MIO
Usually when NoSoul drops by to say hello to me, it’s usually to plug something
NoSoul: Hyatte lives!
NoSoul: (or not)
Hyatte1com: sorry, thinking of a witty retort
NoSoul: No need to. IM chats with me are NOT going to end up on a website.
Hyatte1com: ya' think so, huh?
He did a HUGE interview with ROLL… err… ENTERTAINMENT WEE…. Oh… umm… MAXI… no….. SPI…. Nada…. ROCKNWORLD.COM to explain why Unfaith is the greatest band nobody has ever heard of.
In the interview, he cites Bon Jovi as his primary influence and “Wanted: Dead or Alive” as the best dang song ever… I decided to ask a few follow up questions:
Hyatte1com: Is it true that you walk these streets with a six string on your back? Furthermore, is it true that you play for keeps because you might not make it back?
NoSoul: Lies. ALL LIES.
Hyatte1com: Have you been everywhere (ohhhh yeeeeaaaah) and are still standing tall? That you've seen a million faces, and have rocked them all?
NoSoul: Well, I've seen 9 faces. So just 999,991 to go.
Hyatte1com: is it true that you named your steel horse that you ride " Dusty The Fat, Bitter Huffy?"
NoSoul: Nah, I don't have a bike. But I named something ELSE Dusty the Fat Bitter something.
Hyatte1com: ooooooh ALLRIIIIIGHT (self-indulgent guitar solo follows)
NoSoul: I stopped watching wrestling. I just read recaps now. Is it still as boring as when I left it?
Hyatte1com: No, it's excitement magnified and personified
NoSoul: Then I shall tune in tomorrow and see what you mean!
Hyatte1com: just tune into it long enough to stare at Trish Stratus and think: "Man, she may one day sleep with HYATTE???"
NoSoul: That's already my reaction with every girl I bump into.
Hyatte1com: and then pray for me on that... 'cause I'll need a heavy dose of God on my side to pull that trick off
Then, because we both feel it necessary to dance around each other’s massive egos, plus we really have nothing in common, and since he’s a Godless Canadian heathen, the talk turned to hockey and beer:
NoSoul: You guys actually own most of the teams.
NoSoul: Hockey has become too expensive for Canada.
Hyatte1com: ‘cause Canadians make lousy business men
Hyatte1com: but they brew GREAT beer
Hyatte1com: so it evens out
NoSoul: I wouldn't know. Don't drink beer.
NoSoul: I have the taste buds of a 5 year old. And most 5 year olds not named Hyatte don't like beer. Same applies to wine and champagne.
Hyatte1com: I have the taste buds of a 5 year old too... had to cut out her tongue when she wouldn't stop screaming "MOMMY, MOMMY!!!"
Shortly after, he left… visibly uncomfortable.
There was absolutely no point to this segment. You’ve learned nothing. One doubts you even cracked a smile. I just wanted you to know that I am aware of this.
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
Great job and many thanks to all who sent out quotes for this and for movies. Keep ‘em coming.
*note: some of these may be wholly imagined.
Don’t be cruel, Mean Gene. You seem, Liz loves me tender, loves me true. and I’m her Teddy Bear and when I’m done Macho Man is going to a special place.
In the Ghetto- Honky Tonk Man on Saturday Night's Main Event.
You know Hot Rod, they say an old man like me can die at any moment and I almost died on top of Buff's girlfriend last night.- Ric Flair
My mouth is aching and my legs are quivering, Hyatte my God. Now it’s time for you to nail my butt!!- Trish Stratus.
I consider Sid the biggest piece of luggage in the business ‘cause he has to be carried every night.- Shawn Michaels
OOOOH…. Those were the good ol’ days, when HBK just didn’t care WHO he pissed off.
Gotta love Flair… WHOOO… WHOOOO
And… since most of you watched it anyway…
Pinkston juggled it, and then got BANGED by Derrick Brooks. -Al Michaels during the first half of the Bucs/Eagles game on Monday Night Football
Yeah, I hear a LOT of the pro football players like to juggle before getting banged… sot as much as those faggoty SOCCER players, of course.
PLAY IT AGAIN, STAN… ERR…. DAN…. UMM…. WHAT’S YOUR NAME AGAIN? LINE??
You know, like with the wrestling quotes you guys are more than welcome to send in favorite movie quotes too… just make sure they are accurate.
Here ya go, how about a couple of lines from some bonafide CLASSICS!!!
Most of the miseries in the world were caused by wars. And when they were
over, no-one could ever remember what they were about - Gone With The Wind
Where were you last night?
That's so long ago I don't remember.
Will I see you tonight?
I never make plans that far ahead. -Casablanca
Evil must always triumph, because good is dumb. -Spaceballs
That’s right, I’m calling Spaceballs a BONAFIDE CLASSIC!!! Eat me!
We ain’t found SHEEIT!!- Token black guy “combing” the desert with an afro-pick -Spaceballs
A CLASSIC, DAMMIT!!! A CLASSIC!!!
BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF
In fact, the whole country’s gone to hell in a handbasket since David Lee Roth left Van Halen
My prayers have been answered.
Seven years of bullshit
Family Circus? CRAP!!
Dennis the Menace? CRAP
Garfield? HE CAN SUCK MY CRANK!!
Cathy? That chick should have retired after Carson left and stopped having her on his show… CRAP!!
For Better Or For Worse? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS???
Calvin and Hobbes? Never got it, never will, don’t CARE to get it, quite happy that I never will!!! CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP!!
Dagwood is a homo
Hagar is pussywhipped
Stan Lee should be SHOT for that boring ass mess he calls Spider-Man
Comics SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK
Then came the announcement…
Starting on November, close to Thanksgiving, HE is back.
GODDAMN BLOOM COUNTY IS GODDAM BACK!!!
THE COMIC THAT DEFINED ALL CARTOON STRIPS IN THE 80’S…. AFTER WISELY AVOIDING THE ENTIRE CLINTON PRESIDENCY, IS COMING BACK TO SUNDAYS!!!!!!
In case you were too busy sucking on yo’ momma’s TEET back then, let me explain…
In the 80’s Berkley Breathed took grown up, adult topics and goofed on them using little animals, tweaking them just enough to teach kids and teenagers more about politics, more about LIFE than any newscast or magazine possibly could.
In the 80’s, with a Cat and a Penguin as a Presidential ticket, he deconstructed the entire process of campaigning for the Office of the Presidency
In the 80’s, he mocked animal testing
In the 80’s, he enveloped everything bad about the decade’s “yuppie conservative” culture into one glorious character named Steve Dallas.
Later, after the “Rambo” 80’s had peaked, he used an alien abduction to turn Dallas into
A sensitive, 90’s effeminant guy.
He exaimned mid-life neurosis through the eyes of a nine-year old boy named Binkley with a closet filled with monsters.
He mocked the excess of Hollywood by intentionally creating a star named Bill the Cat… essentially a giant F-You to Garfield… but the public bought it/
He mocked Reagan
He mocked Bush
ANYTHING topical… he tackled… ANYTHING.
In short… he mader the comic strips MUST READ material… every day.
Then he killed “Bloom County” and focused on a Sunday only strip called “Outland”…. At first, he tried to build it on all new characters like the obviously Mickey spoof “Mortimer Mouse”… but before long, he brought back Opus, Bill, Dallas, and most other BC regulars… that dance lasted a few years.
Then he send Opus home to re-unite with his mother in a beautiful final drawing… and he closed up shop for good.
Then Bush Jr took office.
Now Opus is coming back.
This… it’s as if God smiled personally down on us and gave us this treat.
People… this is for real. There has never been a comic strip like Bloom County, there has never been a strip creator with such an eye for current events like Berkley Breathed… there has never been such a well balanced mix of parody and slapstick laughs like BC and Outland… now he’s bringing it back.
My God, what DOES he have to say THIS time?
Before I head out, here, without the benefit of pictures… and to show that he never really NEEDED them:
- Milo: Due to recent reruns, we have been asked to summarize the current storyline as it was left six weeks ago… ahem… Cutter John, having been…
Opus: I… AFTER HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MADONNA AM STALKED BY A RABID SEAN PENN. MEANWHILE, STEVE DALLAS IS SPOTTED PLAYING LEAPFROG WITH A SCANTILY CLAD IMELDA MARCOS… well, that’s the sort of plot we SHOULD have. But don’t mind me… please continue
Milo: The reruns, by the way, were a result of a catastrophic medical crisis within our “Bloom County” family
Binkley: Opus had nose hemorroids.
- Steve Dallas: And stop screaming out the prison window, “RONALD MCDONALD IS A CAPITALIST STOOGE!!!
- Milo: TODAY, MEADOW MEMBERS, WE WELCOME OUR BILL BACK FROM THE DARKNESS BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN!
Portnoy: Yeah? Why exactly, did he come back?
Bill whispers to Binkley
Binkley whispers to Milo: To make some dough
Milo: TO ONCE AGAIN WALK THE GREEN GRASS OF FREEDOM!
- Dallas: Uh, may I see our drummer and tuba player up here NOW?
Dallas: I don’t s’pose either of you would know who’s been messing with the words in “Leper Lover”
Hodge Podge: Nope
Dallas: ”Leper Lover, creature of the dark. Drip your disease. Leave your mark. Through the gutter slime and stinky… George Bush is a twinkie.”
Hodge Podge: He did it
Opus: Darn my social conscience!
- Binkley to his dad playing Santa at a mall: Hi Dad. I have a Christmas Wish for Santa
Binkley: I’d like Santa to get back together with his former wife – my mother – and all of us spend a happy Christmas together
Dad: No can do
Binkley: But that’s my wish
Dad: No can do
Binkley: Why is Santa balking?
Dad: Because Mrs. Clause is living in Oakland with a Hell’s Angel
- Cop: Virgil, there’s a penguin on the phone. Sez he’s calling from inside a toilet bowl… sez there’s a madman in his underwear jumping up and down on the lid, threatening his life.
Virgil: Is it urgent?
Cop on the phone: Is it urgent?
Cop: Sez the “Ty-D-Bowl” is irritating his buttocks.
Virgil: Hang up
- Opus: ”NAKED CAME I”?? You revised my autobiography and named it “Naked came I”?? Geeze, this stuff must way ten pounds… what is all this stuff?
Milo: Your life! The whole truth. The honest account.
Opus: Excuse me. I never shot Warren Beatty in the buttocks!
Milo: Must be a typo
- Opus: Don’t you see what you’ve done? You wrote me a life I always dreamed of but could never have! It’s a monument to my insignificance!
Milo: It’s a common law, Opus. Everyone is born to a life LESS significant than they deserve! EVERYONE!
Opus: DAN QUAYLE!!
Milo: A burp in the universe
George Bush is a twinkie… Iron Maiden never had the BALLS… the BALLS to slip that one in there.
Come November, I’m caring about the Sunday comics again… god DAMN life is good.
Peace out y’all
No, YOU’RE THE LAMO!!!
This is Hyatte