The Midnight News 10.27.03 

Posted By Hyatte on 10.27.03

Trish, Tammy, Holy Matrimony, The Return of Hal Jotsky, Kane, Madden, Affleck, Silent Bob, and Message Boredom 

No mention of Schwartzenegger in your dream Mania XX card? You're a fucking hack and I feel if I write you a hateful letter it may get posted in your column.

Jeff Hardy’s Mutant Clone

Not a chance pal, no way! Keep dreaming, Mark boy

I just think it’s funny watching Hyatte mark out over Tammy Sytch while pretending real hard NOT to mark out. I talk to workers all the time online, mostly indy workers and old timers. It’s no big deal.

The Italian Job on CRZ’s board. 

Yeah, well I’m sorry. We can’t all be as cool as some guinea named “The Italian Job”.

This I swear, should I ever run into the Japanese Pool Boy or Baron Miquel Sicluna online, I SWEAR I won’t mark out. 

Don’t bother looking for that post… CRZ deleted it. He deletes everything on his board relating to me these days… but I don’t get under his skin… oh no… just ask him, he swears I don’t.

I’m a big fan of yours, but A) The Yankees Rule, B) You of all people should appreciate a team that is the most hated and most popular team out there, C) the ratings are up from last year and are at their highest since 2000 (starring the Yankees), but not as high as 1999 (also starring the Yankees). But, you’re right, no one wants to see them.

To paraphrase Ol’ Natch”

Whether you like them or whether you hate them, learn to live with them, cause they’re the best thing going today. Whoooooooo! 

Being a Yankee fan, means never having to say you’re sorry. 

David E. Horenstein

Err… I believe the Florida Marlins are the “best thing going today”… HA!!

Don’t sweat it, my friend. The fun part for you Yankee fans has just begun. Now we get to see Steinbrenner throw public fits and blame everyone for this outrage! Last year it was “Jetes”… I’m gonna guess that this time around, that shifty prick Bernie Williams will get the blame for the Yanks bombing out of what should’ve been a four game sweep! Now the watch the fun as George unloads David Wells and says goodbye to Roger Clemens (a major league asshole in EVERY sense of the word… would run over your cat, pull over, stomp on its head and inject it with the AIDS virus for getting in his way) and then proceeds to spend the money he was paying them on some other All-Star… covering much of the cost by jacking up ticket prices YET AGAIN as well as stadium food costs. Yankee fans: Paying $7 for a can of Coke and LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! 

Your column this week was short... primarily because I only read a fraction of it. There was a time, back in the Scoops days, when reading you was the best. When diverting from wrestling to trash a web guy or talk about something non-wrestling related was funny. But as time passes, it seems that you are transforming from what made you cool into what was and still is uncool. You are becoming what you hated... you are becoming no better than Rick or Ryder.

Hard core 'web' wrestling fans were geeks. They still are, of course, but the core group were major "live in mom's basement" losers. What made you so interesting in the Scoops days was that you stood out from that crowd. When you mixed in your take on life within your recaps, we bought it. We were entertained. We believed the "Hyatte" alias and persona you created as a true personality. You were cool like how Kevin Nash was cool. It's easy to see why you cheered for the guy. It was during this time, when you went off on some web guy about their clique-like arrogance, we cheered. We agreed with your assessments of their weak personalities and insecurities. That was when you were at your peak.

However... it seems more and more like you are shifting into the type of person you mocked. As your columns roll out as of late, it seems like your world is confining. Your persona is becoming narrower and narrower. Sharp wit has taken a back seat to things that are funny only in a corner of the world. Instead of mocking the self-proclaimed rulers of the wrestling web within the structure of a wrestling recap, you are becoming one of self-proclaimed rulers. Instead of being a lone voice speaking on behave of people who really have a life outside of wrestling, the web and didn't believe their own nerd hype, you are now a prime example of those people.

Your columns used to speak on wrestling, which was good as it was the prime reason we ever found you anyway. But since you've made the decision to not actually speak about the product anymore, you've filled your writings with things like 411 writers and MSN chats that we don't care about. It's not like the days of Bob Ryder, where we knew a target well and we too hated their arrogance. Your venom appears to be centralized to a community of web geeks and chat room losers. And in the process, the cool Hyatte seems less "cool" arrogant and more... well... "Scaia" arrogant. You're not talking to 

the audience who made you the Nash of the web sites. You're speaking to a narrower audience. Talking the focus away from wrestling to other things was fine when done in limitations. When you mixed your venom within the structure of a recap, the jabs were fresh. Quick. Direct. Now... it's like reading long winded rambles about a world we don't care about.

You used to insert the Hyatte persona into a wrestling recap like an artist. But without the core subject there to work around (aka wrestling), your arrogance is less Nash like and more Ryder/Keith like. Instead of giving us a "wink-wink"... an "I know this is stupid but..."... you're now giving us a Scott Keith vibe. A vibe where it seems that to have a chat room filled with losers talking about you is the only thing you have. And this is the 

core problem. The majority of us do have lives outside of the web. We never MSN and why the fuck would we? Yes, we have a guilty pleasure named wrestling. And we came to you, Chris, as the only person who seemed to be on our page. The guy who didn't need to know the name of every move or care. The guy who enjoyed the product but could crap about it and yourself. You didn't take the web universe too seriously. But now... man... it seems like that's what it is all about.

Perhaps it's because you don't like the product anymore. That might be it. And since the Hyatte show seems to be wearing thin as it's the only show you seem to put forth... then don't be surprised when people like myself, tune out. As you've become tired of the wrestling product, we're tired of the Hyatte product. You're like Vince and Stephanie feuding. You do it because your "confined world" think we care. We don't care about that feud. And we don't care about your columns because the core reason we used to go there is gone. Instead being filled with trying to "put yourself over". Sorry to use a wrestling geek phrase like that, but it seems since you're stuck in a world of those people, it's the only thing you'll get. Your voice doesn't seem fresh. It doesn't sound like us. It sounds like "THEM"!

Yes, you were an originator. And many owe their style to you. Case in point, the dude who recaps TNA for 411. Fuck no, not Keith. The other fella. He writes like the Hyatte of old. He seems to find the balance. Or at least he tries. You just sound like a voice ammongst other web writers. Trying to be something you're not. Or maybe this is who you are. If so, Kevin Nash is dead. Long like Kevin Nash. 

Bob Gallant

I had a long-winded explanation ready to go here, but then decided that it would bore too many people to tears. So let’s keep this brief.

1) People, piece of advice here: don’t - for the love of CHRIST – don’t try to speak for EVERYONE… unless you took a giant poll and was elected spokesman for a whole group, you are only making yourself look like a tool. This guy tried to speak his mind with intelligence, but speaking for “we” cost him major points in the credibility dept.

2) The people I ragged on are long gone. In case you didn’t notice, a lot has changed in 6 years. I can only rag on who I have out there worth ragging on, and the pickings are slim.

3) Times change… fucking deal with it.

4) What this boils down to, in essence, is that the guy is pissed that I’m not doing the Mop-Up anymore. Again, times change. Fucking deal with it.

5) Here’s the irony… I have more readers now than I ever did at Scoops. It’s a fact.

And 6) More irony… I could have a million more readers now and it still wouldn’t do jack shit for me in the real world. If you folks can’t understand just how aware I am of that fact, then you clearly aren’t reading between the lines here.

And hello frecklefaces! I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. News YOU need. News YOU HAVE TO HAVE. News YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT! None of which, of course, is true… you don’t HAVE to have this, you certainly don’t NEED it, and based on my frequent and often vacations and self-imposed exiles, you’re all enjoying a long, fruitful life without it. Alas… alas.

Busy week with some actual NEWS NO ONE ELSE HAS!!! That’s right… MIDNIGHT NEWS EXCLUSIVE reports!!! In fact, let’s start off with one NOW!


They’re both blonde

They both have killer abs

They both have long hair, BLONDE long hair

Said long, blonde hair sometimes shows off a darker underside. (Hey, you stay on the road five days a week and see how easy it is to stay on top of YOUR dyejob!)

They’re both naturally athletic.

They’re both hot

They’re both wrestlers

They’re both CANADIAN!!

And neither of them wants anything to do with Hyatte in a sexual manner. 

So what’s the plan for the WWE’s current “on-screen” couple: Trish Stratus and Chris Jericho?

Well, rumor has it the plan is NOT to turn Stratus heel, as natural logic might dictate… oh no, the plan is to turn Jericho FACE and have Trish… umm… “tutor” him. 

It actually does make a lot of sense. The company wants Lita to have a run as the top chick babyface for a while, which wouldn’t happen so long as Trish is actively working the single’s division with her. So give Trish a job as Jericho’s manager/love puppy and she’s busy taking Spears from Goldberg while Lita has the field all to herself. Plus, it might be fun to watch Jericho try to be a face while still in full arrogant Heel mode. I smell some high tone COMEDIC MOMENTS!!

And of course… it gets Trish in some highly spankable make-out scenes… which is something they like to do from time to time… 

As a side note… Flea pointed out in his column right here on 411 that this all might just be an excuse for the WWE to have Trish play with my heart by making her read lines like: “I love you, CHRIS!”, “You rock my world CHRIS”, “I want to shove my ass in your face, CHRIS”. Silly company… don’t they know that my heart cannot be broken! Do they not know that I am a man of cold steel? NO ONE is allowed into my heart!! NO ONE can destroy it from within! Play your little head games, WWE! I am FUCKING HYATTE, BY GOD!!! I CANNOT BE HURT!!!!


Look for the big Face turn after Survivor Series. Look for Trish to take at least one Stunner sometime either before or after that.

My source is NOT Meltzer, Keller, OR Scherer! They all can suck my crank!! They know NOTHING!! They ain’t SHIT!!


Did I do an advice column over at Flea’s site? Nope. But Eric showed up, and Flea showed up. WHY didn’t I do an advice column? Because I was attacked by my muse and spent the majority of my week working on “And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H”. Because I’m stupid enough to build this thing up to a level it could not possibly reach, I’ll start teasing and making promos of it as I progress towards the finish line.


Now look, this is the last time I say this.

I am not working you. This is not a scam. I am not pulling your legs here. It’s not me messing with your heads.

Most of you know me well enough to see that when I DO go for some practical gag, I NEVER let it drag this long… I mean, exactly what would pretending to be Tammy Sytch do for me? Not a damn thing.

It’s not me, folks… this is the real girl talking to you.

Really, have I EVER stared you in the cyberface and lied? Haven’t I always either hedged my bets, or tossed in enough *hint hint/wink wink* innuendos to let you know that I am running some sort of game here? I’ve never boldly lied to your faces.

Why did she come to me? Why not go to… I don’t know… Scherer? Who knows? Ask her. I’m as amazed as you are. 

Anyway, Tammy here this week and she’s mulling over the generation gap, and by God does she ask some interesting questions: 

With the passing of Stu Hart, I realized here was a legend, someone who had been in this business for years and years. He wrestled, retired, trained....he got to live the full course. I then saw Road Warrior Hawk died as well, while certainly too early. It got me to wondering...

What did our generation do? While Hawk could fall into the legend category easily, the WWF's NEW Generation: Bret, Shawn, Nash, Bulldog, Owen, Sid, as well as most of the WCW guys from that time Lugar, Sting, Pillman, etc etc.... They have all either died, got injured beyond repair, or have left this business sour.

I don't get it, what did the guys from the late eighties to the early 90's do? That the guys from the late 70's to the early 80's didn't? Not that I wish death upon anyone, but isn't it odd we've got guys like Sgt. Slaughter, Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan and so on, still around in the best of shape, but Bret Hart can't wrestle anymore? Bulldog and Owen are dead, Sid is injured for life and Shawn Michaels is a shell of his former self and that’s after being retired for many years.

It seems almost every month you can look on the internet and see someone from the 80-90's that most people grew up on, have died. Most in their 40's. Curt Hennig dies at 40 something, but yet Stu Hart and Lou Thesz lied well into their 80's. What did our generation do differently, why are the bodies of our wrestlers not lasting near as long as the ones of the legends before us?

Surely drugs, be it recreational, pain killers and/or steroids have something to do with it, but is that all? Surely steroids were used in the 60-70's. Maybe not to the same extent, or maybe it’s the schedule? Certainly we traveled more, wrestled more shows...but didn't the legends of yester-year wrestle for two times if not three times the length of our matches? I know the bumps have gotten bigger, and that has to add to some of the injuries...but most of these wrestlers die in their sleep. Besides, wasn't wrestling a lot stiffer back in Bob Backlund's day? Surely in Lou Thesz and Stu Hart's time. 

So why does our Generation die so young? It’s something that saddens me, and it’s a mystery that I can't solve, even though I read almost monthly about another one of our generation dying too young. 

This generation is paying for some sin we have committed, but what sin was it? How can we get past this, and save our wrestlers from this era, before we're all out of heroes to look up to. I wish I had the answer.

Only the good die young,


Now its time for questions and answers....first up, Chris Allen!

Q: How well did you know Hawk? I remember your managing the LOD for a while, and I would assume you knew both of them well. Any memories you'd like to share?

A: Well I figured this would be a good question to start things off. 

Early on in my career I was lucky enough to be embroiled in a great feud with the Rock 'n' Roll Express, and later in my career I was picked to manage the Legion of Doom. Either of these two teams are easily top candidates for the best tag team of all time. For that reason alone, I am honored to have worked with both the Express and the Road Warriors. Unfortunately, aside from the prestige of the job, and some super cool outfits which I still own, there wasn't much good about my pairing with LOD. WWF was half hearted in their push, LOD didn't want a manager and they weren't fond of the new gimmick, I was pushed as eye candy and not a legit manager, and both Hawk & Animal were not in the shape they needed to be to pull the angle off to perfection. I was unhappy, they were unhappy, and things didn't work. However I was glad to be back to working when I got the job, I just wish it'd been with some other person, or team. LOD really didn't need me, and I really didn't need them. I have no ill will towards either Hawk or Animal though as they were both legends. After all the freaking Road Warriors never needed to be repackaged. I was sad to hear about Hawk's death however, and wish his family and friends the best. He was without a doubt a legend.

Next up, I'd better get this one out of the way early....

Q: What type of porn did you do?

A: None. That was an internet hype thing that I had nothing to do with. I've been offered lots of things, but never done any porn films. If I should ever do a porno I doubt it'd be so hard to get a hold of. Since I got about 15 emails of people wondering what porno I did.

Lastly, here is a good question to end us this week on....

Q: What was your favorite outfit to wear to the ring?

A: Well I can't narrow it down to one, as I've had so many cute and great outfits over the years. A lot of fans have wrote me how they loved my schoolgirl outfit, so it ranks high. I loved a lot of the LOD 2000 fits as I mentioned earlier, and my outfit from Cyberslam 99 became sort of infamous, so you know it’s up there too. A lot of the original Body Donnas outfits were great too, because my body looked really good in them, and they were sexy but not over the top. It was like a really hot cheerleader outfit, and that I thought still had some class. So to answer your question....ALL OF THEM :)

Thanks kitten.

Oh, and if she ever does some sort of porno, rest assured Hyatte gets one of the first copies printed. FOR FREE!!! You sad sacks would have to PAY for it… but not me! HA!!

And if TRISH ever decides to do porno… I’ll get NOTHING free… don’t know the girl, and even if I did know her I’d surely be so beneath her on EVERY level that I wouldn’t be WORTH a freebee. Hey, I’m Hyatte and all… Mr. Confidence and shit… but I ain’t no dummy… I know which way the wind blows.

But if the TRISH IMPOSTER I talk to decides to do porn… I’ll get a freebie!! Damn skippy!

And if I ever decide to do a porno! I’ll hold mass giveaway contests right here at 411. Bank on it!!

Oh, and hey… she’s fielding your questions and comments!


Presently, Triple H is banging the “phanie” out of his new wife Stephanie… they of course were married this past Saturday in upper-New York in front of friends, family, and any WWE Superstar who plans on staying employed in the near future. 

I think it’s absolutely retarded for ANYONE to speculate as to whether Triple H married her for love or for business… Jason Powell, that bald ass Minnesota bum wrangler came dangerously close by saying that Vince would never ALLOW his daughter to divorce his new son-in-law. Like he would know. (meanwhile, Pat McNeil “broke character” and wrote the couple a “toast”… which pretty much cements the theory that only the LAMEST marks get to write for the Torch… ugh.)

It’s no one’s business WHY they got married… and quite frankly, you all look like fools for even speculating… so shut the fuck up about it. People get married all the time.

Here, look at the pictures. See a very pudgy Mick Foley and a very hung-over looking Edge. Then see all the dogs who were invited to the wedding… lots and lots of dogs… someone in this family has a fetish for dogs…. My guess is it’s LINDA!!!!

Now, while we are all waiting for Scherer to get that phone call from the INSIDE WWE SOURCE!!! MY GOD PEOPLE, THIS SOURCE IS SO INSIDE HE’S PRACTICALLY VINCE’S LEFT TESTICLE!!!, for all the juicy details… (all I want to know is, which still-single WWE Diva got drunk and depressed and grabbed which WWE stud-muffin and mounted him in the bathroom…. I’m sure you can guess as to which WWE Diva I’m referring to.) 

Well, just relax… see, I’ve had an inside source who was AT the wedding… he was a bartender there. This is what he said.

Vince gave his toast, welcoming his new son into the family. Hunter stood up walked over and hugged Vince. Then he walked back to his seat, faced the crowd, and started to chuckle…. Chuckling turned into laughing… evil laughing…. “Muuwaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha








hahahahahahahahahaha (paused to take a sip of water and smooch his new wife) nnyaa hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah




Then he sat down and the reception continued without note…



See, sparing no expense, Vince had hired an official EmCee to keep the party hopping and the laughter flowing… luckily for me, he hired an old friend of mine (no doubt based on his BRILLIANT recap of Backlash a few months ago). Straight from the Catskills and straight into your hearts… the one, the only… HAL JOTSKY!!! 

I got the tape of Jotsky’s performance at the ceremony…. The man was red hot! Take a look:

-Good evening! Valets and Gay Bookers! Sell my Chairshot... please! ba-DUM-dum

-Tonight we celebrate the union of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Levesque! Two bodies sharing one soul! Get a good lawyer Hunter! Or in ten years you’ll only get to visit that soul every third weekend a month, ZAPITTOYA!!!!! 

-My wife told me that she wanted to become a wrestler. She said, "Why not? I fake everything else!" YOW

-I came home from a tour one day and found my wife in bed with Ric Flair! I said, "Darling, that's not the Figure Four he’s got you in”! HEY!

-Wrestling is a funny sport. You kids should do great! Nowhere else do they make you practice mic work on a road agent's penis. ZAP!

-I told my Wife that my new finisher would be the Sleeper Hold. She said, "You're gonna have sex with your opponent?" BANG!

-Oh you're a great crowd. I haven't heard a pop like this since Mark Henry’s pants let go after spending 2 hours at the Buffet table. HO

-Sit down, Mark, sit down! It’s all for comedy. Speaking of which, I saw your last match. I haven’t seen so many botched moves and clumsy spots since the wife and I tried the Karma Sutra.. BOYHOWDY!!

-And how about our new groom Triple H, huh? I haven't seen a blade on a face like that since Cactus and Funk went at it in Japan. HE HO!!

-Amd here’s the Nature Boy himself, Ric Flair. I don't want to say that Ric Flair is old, but that lump on his back just put a down payment on a Condo in Florida. HEY NOW!

-Ahh Hunter, wives are great. My wife for instance is a real beaut. Last night, after we made love, I turned to her and said, "If I wanted to hump a dead person, I would have married the Undertaker!" CANIGETYASOMETHINGNOW!!!

-And someday, you kids will have children of your own! Hunter, follow my advice here. When your son comes up to you and asks, "Dad, why do you fake punched at your opponents, but throw real punches at me?" Tell him "Son, my opponents might be scum sucking, lowlife, sadistic turds who only live to see that I am crippled or dead for the rest of their life, but at least they clean their rooms!" CHA-CHING!

-I tell ya, I feel for you hip cats! I can imagine how tough this business is. The worst part of this business must be when the chain you keep hidden in your tights wraps around your pecker! HOO

-Or how about when the brass knuckles go up your bum? WOW.

-Look, it’s Paul Heyman!! He used to run ECW! And how about that ECW? Once a month, you could go into Philadelphia and watch bodies flying, people crashing into tables, people assaulted by flaming baseball bats, bloody heaps of humanity caught up in barbed wire. Then you can pay for a ticket and see the show. YESSIR!! 

-I don't want to say that ECW didn’t take care of it’s talent, Paul, but I just saw New Jack on the street with a sign that read, "Will slice you're fat son's forehead for food". HUZZA

-How about those Smackdown Cruiserweights, huh?? Mexicans, Jews, and a few darkies!? I don't know whether to cheer them, or to re-start the Third Reich. HEY COME ON!!!

-And on this night, by coincidence, we also celebrate the one year anniversary of the Katie Vick angle, where Hunter humped a dead, lifeless body! And now, one year later, we have Hulk Hogan jumping on the NWA/TNA company! WHO SAYS PEOPLE DON’T STEAL FROM VINCE MCMAHON!!!! BUTIGOTTATELLYA!! 

-Ahhh the WWE Divas! Look at them! Now listen, I don't want to say that Torrie Wilson's dumb, but when I asked her where the weirdest place she's ever gotten a pop, she answered, "In the butt." YOWZA

-And hey, there’s Shawn Michaels! Boy. He went from being a cocky, arrogant, peppy youngster in to a quiet, depressed, miserable figure. What I want to know is... how long has he been eating my Wife's cooking? HUWAA

-I came home one night! My wife looked at me and asked "You must be happy to see me!" I looked down and said, "No, it's just my foreign object!" HAACHAA

-It’s a weird sport Vince. Very strange business you run! I don't want to say that Wrestling is a GAY sport... but when I first walked into a locker room I thought I died and went to Rock Hudson's Heaven by mistake! WHOO

-You've been a tremendous audience!! Please, make it to the next arena safely. Tip the waitresses and please, please... do not share Steroid needles! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! 

And Hal was paid in drinks that night… God Bless ‘im.

I’ll get him back here! I promise!


Tajiri got on his knees and BEGGED Vince NOT to call his new Japanese faction the Yakuza… because if the REAL Yakuza gets wind of this… well, have YOU ever had chopsticks shoved under your finger nails? It ain’t pretty, gaijin!

Not sure what he’s sweating about… if a 80 pound anorexic pile of nicotine addicted bones like Uma Thurman can hack her way through about 50 of them in about 20 minutes, think of how easily some of the WWE Divas will plow through them Japaisanos.

What? Tajiri’s afraid of an army of 4 foot tall Shogun warriors? Hasn’t he seen “Black Rain”? Michael Douglas was 50 when he made that movie and he tore through ALL OF THEM!

Taj… amigo… you’re in America now… Jesus, the staff of 411’s Comic Book zone is more frightening then the Japanese mafia. GEORGE GEPHARDT SPITS ON THE YAKUSA!!!! JESSE BAKER SAYS BRING IT ON, YA DUMB, SLANTY EYED FAGS!!!!


And Chono can suck my wang too!!! 

The Yakusa… Ni**a-san PLEASE!


Hey Hyatte,

Just wanted to let you know that I picked up Chuck Palahniuk’s “Choke” after you discussed him in a recent column. I knew him from “Fight Club” of course, but I never picked his books up until reading that passage in your column.

Now, I read a great deal already, and many things aside from wrestling “news” and superhero comicbooks. However, I do owe you something of an apology. You see, when I first read your ‘Book of the week’ concept, I thought, ‘Oh boy, this is where Hyatte loses it and goes on a stupid crusade. He won’t be able to force ANYBODY to read long exerpts in a WRESTLING column and pick up one of these books.’

Well, there you go, I was wrong. And by the way, “Choke” fucking kicks ass. So thanks a bunch, man.

“It helps to remember the first time for everything. (…) My first time I jacked off, I thought I’d invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.” – Denny

Fucking genius.


See? It works!

I like to do this after every five book selections, just to give you a handy-dandy guide to titles you may have missed when I first selected them. The links will take you to the column they are in.

Stranger Things Happen by Kelly Link: A collection of short stories skewed towards fantasy. Plots are tough to figure out but the prose is quirky and fun

Casino Royale by Ian Fleming: The first book that launched the unstoppable James Bond film franchise. The book is miles away from the films, in both plotting and characterization. Don’t expect to read swarmy, flirtatious quips or blow-up popcorn action sequences. Do expect to read about a Bond who is solitary and dead serious about accomplishing his mission.

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk: The plot floats about, not in a big hurry to get anywhere, but Palahnuik has a huge cult following for a reason, and this book delivers exactly what his fans expect.

Muscles: Confessions of An Unlikely Bodybuilder by Samuel Fussel: An entertaining look at the whacky world of bodybuilders. Well designed, well plotted, and almost well told. 

Slaughterhouse Five or The Children’s Crusade by Kurt Vonnegut: A true classic in every since. If you’ve never read Vonnegut before, this is the book to start with. You won’t be disappointed.

And that’s ten. The next five books are going to include: An anthology, a bonafide classic, and a special three part/book look at one of the most popular authors of all time, yet one no one ever talks about. Should be a hoot.

Click here for an overview of the previous (and first) five books.

Goddammit… if you don’t start reading I’m gonna SHOOT MYSELF!!!!!!



Last week I re-ran a classic bit where YOU, John Q Geekface, reamed Mark Madden a new one by reaming his momma!

Well, did you know that Madden makes frequent posts on the Torch VIP message board? Well, you should. I mean, I told you he did last week, remember? His posts are notable if only because he never fails to list his resume on each one.

Now, I am not TECHNICALLY able to gain access to the VIP areas… but if I asked around I’m sure I could sponge off someone’s account and get in. Ohhh, the fun I’d have then, eh kids?

Anyway, my name came up in the VIP forums… TWICE! One was for madden and the other was for McNeill. The general response was the same type of response I get on all message boards… either/or a combination of “Who’s Hyatte?” and “Well, he sucks”. 

None of this bothers me, by the way. In case you kids haven’t figured it out yet, it really takes quite a bit to get under my skin.

Anyway, Madden RESPONDED!! Check it out:

juvenile word-drool from a mindless idiot who wrote all that for free. just another guy who got left in my dust vis-a-vis the wrestling world because i passed him up a long time ago. not even worth calling my lawyer about cos he has nothing worth suing for. these truths hurt him a lot more than his lies hurt me.

Yup. He nailed me. I’m very, very hurt AND jealous.

My question is… how did he know that I sat there watching Nitro when Tank Abbot tore off his shirt and wailed on him in the middle of the ring like a child would wail on a semi-deflated monster beach ball and thought, “Damn, that should be ME getting humiliated in front of millions!” I mean, anyone could steal popular cliché phrases and attach them to his color commentary personality. Think Mark made up “Snootchie Bootchies”? He didn’t even make up “Spinerooni”? A guy I know named Jim Sullivan did that years before Mark showed up on Nitro.

I’d get into it more but… eh, why bother? Madden is a small time writer for a mid-market newspaper who’s primary appeal is not his sharp sports mind but his ability to generate flame mail by saying things he knows will bring him heat. He isn’t even IN the pro wrestling business anymore. He’s posting on the Torch website where his fat face is buried deep in Bruce Mitchell’s ass for some reason.

None of this means a thing… Mark has found his little corner of the world to make his own and is doing quite well at it. He’ll always be a big fish in a smallish pond and will always look towards New York and wonder “What if?” Nah, Pittsburgh suits him fine.

Just remember this, Mark knows that through all his bluster and his posing, there are about a million people with more talent than him. One of them wrote an awesome column that asked what would Jesus do in the WWF, which he blatantly plagiarized.

So yeah, Mark got to be mocked on by Lex Luger and embarrassed by Tank Abbott on TV, and took home about $475 a week for it. He passed us all by. He couldn’t LAST on the job, but he tried his best.

But at least I’m original.

Plus, at least I’ve been laid at least ONCE this century… not counting hookers either. Has Mark? 

Snootchie Bootchies! Yes. Very clever. I’m outclassed.



Now we swing into movies for a bit… watch this way cool smooth little segue I’ve got planned here…


With the Rock looking at his grosses for “The Rundown” (not bad, but expectations were a lot higher), he decided that maybe he spoke a wee bit too soon about dumping the WWE safety net quite yet. He’ll be back to fight someone cool for Wrestlemania.

Then there’s Hunter, with TWO big movie roles heading his way… and perhaps a shot at the Conan franchise! (and by Christ, that horse will SELL his punch!). 

People have goofed on Hunter’s bid for Hollywood stardom, because its being engineered by the WWE after Hunter and Stephanie were looked in the eye by a few big time Hollywood producers and said, “Look, you’re big, you’re muscle bound, and you’re stupid looking. You’re not the Rock, you’re a wrestler! We don’t need any more of you guys!”

It’s all very shrewd of them, by the way. World Wrestling Entertainment really wants to live up to that last word here… and just being a rasslin’ company ain’t gonna do it. So it makes SENSE that Hunter gets the opportunity to become a movie star. He’s NOT the Rock, he’s the first and ONLY wrestler to successfully get his ass IN the business’s ultimate inner circle… and now he’s FAMILY. He can turn into the next frickin’ Tom Cruise in terms of movie stardom… he’ll NEVER leave sports entertainment. Triple H is the WWE’s best way of getting a player INSIDE Hollywood… he’s their ultimate connection. He’s PERFECT for the role, yo. It’s the sort of long-term thinking that most of you imbecile critics simply do not have the ability to see.

The Undertaker is in an upcoming flick too, but that’s only because Vince has to constantly prove to the Undertaker that he is just as important to the company now as he haws ever been.

But anyway, in case you didn’t know, they are also currently writing a major movie role for ANOTHER WWE Superstar… Kane! It’s going to be a slasher/dasher horror type of role for him. Basically, he’ll be the next Jason.

It’s MORE smart thinking… because even if Kane’s film bombs (and I believe it’s set for an actual film release, not just a straight to video deal, all it needs to do is make enough money to secure a sequel, then a triquel, oh look, now they have themselves a FRANCHISE! (let’s just pray for the actress cast opposite Kane… and pray that she doesn’t have to kiss that mug)

Now all they have to do is get Trish Stratus on the “Shane’s World” gonzo porn bus and they have a connection into a billion dollar industry where the stars get MINIMAL money and 90% of the insanely vast profits goes right into the producers pockets…

Jesus Christ people… in ten years Vince McMahon could conceivably be running Hollywood! CHEW THAT OVER WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO SLEEP TONIGHT!!!! MY GOD ALMIGHTY!!! DWELL ON THAT A BIT, WON’T YOU???

Vince’s first act as King of Hollywood… HE’S GONNA TOSS OUT THE JEWS!!! By the time Vinnie Mac’s done, the only thing Spielberg will be directing is traffic in Bumblefuck, Wisconsin

That is the second time this column that I’ve connected Trish Stratus with porn… three times if you count the supposed make-out sessions with Jericho that will no doubt be hitting the airwaves before long. Add another half time for that open speculation about which Diva got drunk at the wedding and pounced on someone in the bathroom. Gee, think I’ve got something on my mind? 


One of the best damn news I’ve heard this week is that Ben Affleck - maybe the single BEST example of how NOT to behave when you are a celebrity, has become SUCH a media whore for himself that he has officially lost a role in a Miramax because the dumb bastard has over-exposed himself with this whole J-Lo thing. 

He’s also in SERIOUS danger of losing the whole “Jack Ryan” franchise… because while he’s in the headlines every day with his chica, people are starting to realize that the moron has NEVER opened a movie based on his star power. Plus, let’s face it, his acting skills are really questionable. “Daredevil” should have been as big as “Spider-Man”… instead it was just another lousy Affleck movie that the studios had to shove, kicking and screaming, into the 100 million dollar zone.

Ben Affleck is the Burt Reynolds of the 90’s… problem is, it’s now the 00’s… poor Burt didn’t last too long after the 70’s. Affleck’s such a mark for getting his face on TV, he’s going to fuck himself right out of a career! THANK CHRIST, THE GODDAM NIGHTMARE IS ALMOST OVER!!! 

BONUS GOOD NEWS!! Affleck’s next fairly prominent role is the lead in Kevin Smith’s “Jersey Girl”… with J-Lo. This means Affleck’s gonna take down Mr. “Over-Rated In His Own Right/I’m In Love With Every Word I Type” Kevin Smith with him. This was Smith’s first non-view askew Jay & Silent Bob movie… and Affleck’s gonna fuck it TOTALLY up with his shenanigans!!!

Oh, and in case you didn’t know the RUMORS about America’s most desperate couple, and the dumb ass director who hired them: 

Ben Affleck: Rude and a boor. "Boring." May possibly be more than just friends with Matt Damon and perhaps other men over the years. Has a filthy mouth. Tranny chaser. Recovering alcoholic. Has used hookers in the past; likes threeways with hookers and Matt Damon. One account has the two looking at each other (and getting off on that) while doing the pro. Has had work done on his teeth, hair, and chin. Linked with Pamela Anderson, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Garner, Salma Hayek, Lauren Holly, Famke Jannsen, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lopez, Gwyneth Paltrow, Britney Spears (who he cheated on Jennifer Lopez with, while Spears was seeing Justin Timberlake).

Jennifer Lopez: "The bitchiest girl in showbiz." "Hollywood's loudest, tackiest joke." Likes to tell people what to eat, and orders for those who have lunch with her. Just unbelievably rude to anyone who she can't make use of. One of the most widely disliked women in Hollywood. Lies when she says that she has no pre-show demands. Linked with Ben Affleck (who she does not treat well, including mocking him to his face) (admittedly something most of us want to do, but still....), P. Diddy, and Ralph Fiennes.

Kevin Smith: "Super nice guy." Hilarious story-teller. Always nice to fans.






Great job and many thanks to all who sent out quotes for this and for movies. Keep ‘em coming.

*note: some of these may be wholly imagined. nope, they are all legit!

Neidhart is nuts. How would you like this guy to come to your house and say, 'I'd like a date with your daughter?- Roddy Piper

I DON'T THINK SO!- Vince McMahon (1990)

Heh… funny

Let me tell you something. Everybody knows. Everybody knows I hate fucking ni**ers! Everybody knows! Another thing...god damn I hate wetbacks!"- Carlito Montana in XPW

Ya know, if MY name was “Carlito”, I wouldn’t be playa hatin’ like that.

You again?? UGH! Don’t you understand what a restraining order is? Can’t you tell how far 500 yards is?? Now get out of my life before I call the cops and have Test stomp your useless balls into paste, loser!!!- Trish Stratus

You know that Savage's dad has been here all day?


Yeah. His cane got stuck in the sand and he's been going around in circles for hours.

(long, drawn out pause)- Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan

Mankind does not like having his testicles grabbed by another man! I didn't like it when I was an altar boy, and I didn't like it last week!- Mick Foley

Ahhh where have all the good promo-makers gone? Now they got a geeky Hebe who used to write for Jenny McCarthy’s nightmare of a sitcom attempt shoving words in their mouths… no WONDER there’s never any magic being made on mic anymore… no wonder.


You know, like with the wrestling quotes you guys are more than welcome to send in favorite movie quotes too… just make sure they are accurate.

Have you ever picked your teeth up with broken fingers?.- The Crying Game 

His name is Verbal Kent 

It’s David actually but people say I talk too much 

Yeah I was just about to tell you to shut up.-The Usual Suspects

I usually like my filth dirtier than this.- Bachelor Party

Hey, uhh... I might be late to pick you guys up.

Why, do you have a job interview today, daddy?

No honey, I'll probably just be waaaay too drunk.


Oh, that's good, we don't want you drinking and driving.

Oh, I'll be driving. I'll just be too shit-pissed to remember to pick you guys up.- Not Another Teen Movie 


Few people can hold their own against Denzel Washington… 

But few people are named Gene The Fuck Hackman


Guys like Hyatte are not columnists. If you have something to contribute, post it on a message board!

A message board poster

So, for you newbies out there, here is the set-up:

Periodically I like to flit about various message boards and commit the unholy sin of larson by PLUNDERING various items found the these boards for this column. 

One time, a gentlemen on “The Other Arena” board openly chastised me for not crediting any of the authors of the material I use in this section. I smartly countered by calling him a poopyhead, and also pointed out that message board posts are not only public property, BUT hardly “material”… then I called him a homo. I tend to do that sometimes.

Now, with my new, jacked-up, superduper, more-memory-than-God, High-speed monster computer at my disposal, burning through various message boards is not only a lot easier, but quite fun…

Until, that is, I reach the point where I simply cannot take the thread after thread after thread of absolutely ridiculous, pointless, AND mind-numbing bitching, moaning, and general babbling. So even with the new super pcu, I can’t be doing this too often. 

Anyway, not only do I NOT credit the… heh… authors, but I don’t even announce the SITES I grabbed these from… no need to… what this basically is is an overview of what the net is talking about this week… trust me, I hit many a unique source… 5 different sites, in fact. 

So here we go…. Enjoy:

“It's Benoit's time to shine baby!”

“Hogan's ‘knee surgery’ is his way of saying, ‘You're not paying me enough, losers.’”

“I simply wish the world had never heard of Hulk Hogan! I don't care what anyone says, he has been a cancer on professional wrestling for far too long. NO ONE will ever convince me he has contributed anything positive to the sport.”

“Am I the only one who considered ECW #2 in the late 90's? Seriously.”

“Don't hate me because I'm smarter then you. Idiot.”

“Wait...wait..stop for a minute....when in the blue hell did Stephanie ‘revolutionize’sports entertainment?”

“Batman runs over him with the Batmobile, beats him with a BatTireIron, impales him with a BatSpear, and then finishes off the beating with a BatDriver through a table... Then Triple H wins with the Pedigree.”

“Other things Stephanie produces. 01.BOWEL MOVEMENTS the size of anacondas. 02.FLATULENCE CLOUDS that could stop a bull elephant in it's tracks and strip the paint of a foot locker. 03.Enough sweat to fill a large reflecting pool. 04.foot odor rancid enough to make a maggot throw up. 05.UP to and including 75% of DOMINOS yearly profits.”

“I met Mick Foley this past Summer at Santa's Village in New Hampshire. It's a small amusement park mostly for kids or pre-teens but if you have kids it's a great place to take them. We talked for about 15-20 minutes waiting on line for a ride. He was a real down to earth, great guy and was real nice to my two daughters... One thing he said to me that kind of surprised me is that Vince is actually a good guy and not to confuse Mr.McMahon or even the Vince that you might see in some interviews like Costas', with the real life Vince McMahon. He looked to be in some pain or discomfort when I saw him, he was walking hunched over and had a real bad limp. My hope for Mick is that these were from recent injuries and not an everyday thing for him”

“Worst Raw ever was at the height of the biker wars. I can't pinpoint an exact episode, but I remember one where every 10 minutes, either a member of NOD, DOA or Los Boriqas were filling up my screen. And I didn't like it. Not one bit.”

“I’m a princess, I don’t fart or leave skid marks”

“The Boston Crab: The absolute nastiest application I ever saw of that hold was done by Bulldog Dick Brower on the TV Championship Wrestling with Johnny Powers circa 1972. Typical squash-type match, right? Brower pulverizes the poor schmuck, and then applies the crab. And he leans back.WAA-AAY Back. And falls over backward, so it looks like the poor schmuck's heels are in front of his ears. And Brower arches his back to keep his shoulders of the mat, as well. The guy did a nearly complete backwards circle with his body.....ow..... So don't think that it was always applied so poorly; I took Brower's version to heart on the schoolground, and it actually does work when you get the right positioning. Saved my bacon one recess, lemme tell ya....”

“Congrats HHH and Steph. I wish you all the best, may you get the best and greatest movie roles in Hollywood in the future and keep getting those great roles and stay busy there for a long long time.”

“They don"t deserve to be as happy as me. Because im a sweetheart of guy. I once saved fifty orphans who were holding puppies wh looked like Lassie from a fire.”

“Soon, you humans will develop a board with a nail in it so big, it will destroy you all.”

“Both Hogan and Flair are at a stage in their career where they should be worried that nobody makes a fool of themselves to preserve their legacy. They`re old and they can`t do what they were doing 10 or rather twenty years ago and their employers knows all of this so they are in a position of weakness. Remember when Hogan`s bike stopped on the way out? That was embarassing and I have a feeling that it was not an accident, if you catch my drift.”

“Trish and Terri after Jazz? pardone me but WTF?!?! Do you like your woman with two balls and a penis? Dude im sorry but Jazz before Trish? TRISH?!?! Sure shes got fake tits and shes got a big noise, but I mean really JAzz has no tits she looks like a man and shes more bulky then Chyna. SHE IS NOT GOOD LOOKING! SHE IN NO WAY SHOULD BE CONSIDERED HOTTER THEN TRISH OR ANY OF THE WWE DIVA'S AT NO POINT SHOULD THIS WOMAN......MAN......THING.....BE CONSIDERED HOT. Im sorry. I really am I just can imagin what you could be thinking. But to each their own....::shutters::”

“I'm not sure if just because the Undertaker is respected backstage necessarily means that he is well liked. I've never heard anything about him taking younger guys under his wing or really helping out new wrestlers. In fact, they way he tries to protect his spot and made other guys look bad by not selling for them would probably make him rather unpopular with the boys. Not only that but anyone who holds their own kangaroo courts and press conferences in locker room definately has a serious ego problem. They're just afraid to say anything since he's so close with the McMahons. I'm sure if asked you the boys, they'd say Triple H is a really swell guy, too. Not because they mean it but because they fear the ramifications for not doing it.”

“Christain sucks as a face. He has a face that screams ‘im an arrogant jackass’ and it works for him. Hope he stays with it.”

“You know what really pisses me off? It's that attitude that the Rock has about wrestling. He's done it all, what's left for him to do.How about showcase talent, put others over, start new fueds, telling stories, WRESTLING. Wrestling is what all wrestlers have left to do. It's selfish thinking like that that puts a damper on the business. The Rock has not done everything, he's not wrestled for the NWATNA title, he's not wrestled for the Japan titles, he's not wrestled for any of the other indy titles. Maybe that last one was a bit overdone but you all see what I'm saying.”

“Storm isn't getting a push. He'll be lucky to even caress the IC title. Trust me. He'll be back on HEAT in 2 weeks.”

“I have always maintained thar Buddy Rose is the Ric Flair of the PNW! And the more I learn about it, I think Rose is more important to the Pacific Northwest than Flair was to the national scene, and by the way, Flair is on my list of the greatest of all time!”

“As far as the ladies go, Trish Stratus seems like she would be really nice. And I'm not just saying that in a pervy kinda way.”

“Yeah Hulk just flat out lies. Scott Keith is just stupid.”

“From **Check back here on Tuesday October 28th for an important announcement regarding Ultimate Warrior's return to professional wrestling!** Guess Hunter decided he wants Warrior to return the job from WM12.”

“What’s funny is that Zack Gowan has more moves than Kevin Nash”

“Zach Gowen can bust a mean Crip walk, I'll give him that.”

“I smell Russo.”

“I'd SO ask for the Pope's autograph just as he was about to bless his chiken parmesana.”

“Hmmm, I wonder if HHH had to sign a pre-nup...”

“Jesus christ. Anytime anyone gets a push of ANY flavor, there are twenty reports on the internet on how they're developing an ‘ego’. Ergo: They wouldn't talk to the lighting guy while in the lunch line so he gets his revenge by spilling his guts to an idiot with a pen and pad.”

“Johnny Ace hates Mattitude”

“So what you're saying is, Vince McMahon can't put the one legged freak over, but Matt Hardy has to? See people, this is why the WWE sucks fat donkey cock.”

“Matt should have cut his other leg off.”

“Give 'em a chance? They've had years of chances, and they are not listening. If people stopped buying the shit they throw out at you now, they'd have to change direction. Here's to hoping HHH gets caught balls deep in a stripper somewhere after the honeymoon, and Stephie FatSilicone is scorned.”

“They got the titles because Shaniqua now has silicone boobies!!!”

“Can't do a spinning toe hold on Zach....he'd spin too.”

“Luger's a peice of crap. At a house show in Sarnia a friend of mine went to, Luger said something to the extent that he had AIDs or something. Could be because my friend was trash talking him along with Skinner. I also recall someone mentioning on here several years ago that Luger laughed at a wheelchair bound kid backstage at a Nitro. Now that's low.”

“Rhyno once told me to fuck off after an indy event in downtown Guelph. It was awesome.”

“If anything, someone will invite Virgil to the wedding. No one will know who invited him but he'll be there.”

“Angle is the most overrated wrestler in the world today. He can't sell properly, and is constantly doing silly things in the ring. He's a very spotty worker, who I wouldn't put anywhere near the level of Benoit.”

“Yes, that's fucking right, I find Jazz more attractive than Skeleton Stacy. Stacy looks like a 12-year-old girl, and I'm just not into that look.”

“HHH VS. KKK......whos the most hated?”

“It's the job of the booker to get the biggest bang for the buck out of his workers. Heyman did that with Public Enemy.”

“Missing: Vince McMahon's mind. Please contact WWE HQ if found. Last seen at meeting to approve the XFL.”

“ mean TNA chasing and signing Hogan backfired on TNA? Who would have guessed? I would have never imagined that in a million trillion billion years...”

“I thought it'd become pretty clear who Willie The Worker was. He's still doing his thing just using his real name now.”

“i still don't like Stephanie because she’s fat. she weighs too much... we should kill her. kill her for being fat!! woohoooo!!!!!”

“Happy Meals are made of PEOPLE! OF PEOPLE! AHHHHHHHH!”

“Dare I waste valuable spit salivating over a possible future tag-team feud between two young light-heavyweight tag teams? Nahhhhh.”

“Ever since the WCW buyout I've become convinced that there are planted signs. I mean, come on, there was a Scotty 2 Hotty sign in the front row tonight.”

“Wow.. I'm all for this. Best moment of the year would be Lesnar tap out to the crossface.”

“As far as guys who are dicks, I heard Test and Zach Gowan refuse to have anything to do with fans. Test is the worst though as I've heard he is extremely rude and has even refused autographs to little kids.”

“Then during the ceremony, Mideon appears and reveals that he spiked Steph's drink and married her at Vegas. Then at Survivor Series, Mideon beats Goldberg to become the World Heavyweight Champion! ALL HAIL MIDEON!!! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“I swear, I'd pay good money to see Gowen's finisher be a Scissors Kick.”

“If this board were ‘Survivor’ I'd be voted off...”

“If Hogan lives to be 100, he'll still be booked for a tour of Japan.” 

“Does Gowen get bonus points because he does it on one leg? Seriously, his moonsault blows. It doesn't look nearly as fluid as it should be, because, I don't know, he only has one leg?”

“I hope they do a Goldberg and Batista match. They should have a little counter at the corner of the screen to keep track of how many injuries they give eachother.”

“That counter would have more hits on it than any web site.”

“These next 6 weeks will be great with no Steph and HHH around”

And that’s it…

Well, as you can see, the song still remains the same around these parts: The same people suck, the same people rule, the same people are fat, and the same people are extremely fuckable. 

And somewhere… somewhere in a magical place, there is a young man (probably around 35!!!!) who thinks… who really believes that one day… one day soon… Chris Benoit will finally get his chance to rule wrestling!

And if Triple H is the only thing standing in the way of Benoit and WWE domination? What then?

And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H… weeks away, my friends…. Mere weeks away now.

Hey look… for the second week in a row I’ve dedicated 97% of this column to actual RASSLIN’ news! FEEL BETTER NOW??? CAN YOUR GODDAM WORLD CONTINUE TO SPIN ON IT’S GODDAM AXIS NOW????


This is Hyatte