The Midnight News 01.05.04 

Posted By Hyatte on 01.05.04

Tammy, Flea, Reading Material, Quotes, The Rick, 100 Morons, and Cutting & Pasting My Ass Off 

Hate mail is light this week, so let’s do general questions/comments.

Hello Chris, just read your guide to life and I hope you're getting better cause I'm reading you since the red stripe days and I care about you even if I'm not a friend of yours. You probably don't give a fuck, but anyway...

By the way, what's going on with the girl you had an eye on (at the place you were working at I think ). Did you ask her out?

Get well man,


Get well? What? Am I dying? What do you know that my Doctor isn’t telling me? 

That chica now has a short, pudgy, Hispanic boyfriend with the world’s cheapest mustache who lives with her and never leaves her side. I even watched them pull into the parking lot one night. She HANDED HIM HER PURSE AND MADE HIM HOLD IT… AND HE DID!! He is also best friends with her brother (both look like kids). In short, I think I pissed away my opportunity, but if I ever get her alone, I will lay it on the line and say, “Look, sugarwalls, what you have here is an opportunity to be with greatness. You can either take that shot, or settle for a lifetime in subsidy housing with a muchacho who will never get beyond minimum wage. Your choice!” Or words to that effect. 

I’m also pretending to talk on my cell phone about cocaine whenever they come within earshot. The theory being that the boyfriend and her brother will eventually ask me to score them some, which I will in exchange for a blowjob from Yodeera… then I’ll give them a bag of confectioner’s sugar or something.

I also hear from her neighbor that she and the boyfriend are always “fucking in the shower”, and with state run subsidy housing walls being exactly what you would expect… they come in loud and clear. I am currently trying to negotiate 5 minutes alone in that apartment with a stethoscope and a bottle of sesame oil. 

Hey fucker, I read the Bukowski. It was just as you described it, a great read. Good choice.


No problem.

Fucker? Moi?

Two questions man: Will Flea ever have all the old mop ups loaded at 1ryder? and if that really is Tammy would she have cybersex if I asked nice enough? I know Im sad. Later.

Lost the name.

I asked him, and Flea says to hold your horses… then he called me a cocksucker for no apparent reason.

I just asked Tammy and she says “Hell yes, bring that cyber-love ON!” Her IM screen name is “See Our Zed”… go get ‘er, tiger! 

Now that you and Tammy are internet buddies, I was wondering why you haven't 

asked her about the so called porno movie she planned to do a while ago. If 

you look at the archives section on the 411 mania website and click on her 

name, you will see the story about it. Since your website reported the news, 

why not follow up on the story?

Another lost name.

Better idea, why don’t YOU ask her!. Or you can click to an old column of mine where she addressed the topic! Actually, do both.

Hey Dude,

Just a quickie mail on the chick and the squirting porn vid.

I used to DJ at a strip club in Australia and there were two girls that used to do this same thing. You dont put a water ballon or anything up there but you need a super full bladder (the girls used to drink around 10 litres of water an hour or so before doing to the trick) and knowledge on how to cum in just the right way while opening your bladder. So essentially your seeing piss fly.

Well, thats one way that its done, but I have seen similar things but just not as epic as that vid.

Oh, and to get it to squirt that big you basically have to cum trantric. You notice that her orgasm keep going? Well thats the side affect.


Scott (not Keith)

There you go, water balloons and tantra. Reminds me of my days at C-Block.

By the way, fish around that site some and you’ll find a whole lot of fun videos. With this one being my favorite! 

And hello muffin-asses, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News… although you’re hardly gonna get any news this week. Nope. And, in fact, you’re hardly gonna get any of ME this week. How you like that?

See, I had nothing to do this week. I even wrote Widro and told him “Nope, no column… I’ve got NOTHING.” This was around 11 pm. Usually, when it hits late night and I’m struggling for material, I take the easy route and blow off the week. It’s been my M.O. since the Mop-Up days. You’re all used to it by now.

And Tammy usually has something in by then, so I figured she was taking the week off too. Plus because it’s like 6 weeks between Pay Per Views, so if I’m going to take a week off, I figured now would be the ideal time.

Then Tammy sent in her column… extra long and really, REALLY good this time.

Then Flea called… and Flea was in one of his “conditions”

I could NOT blow off this week. So, what we have is a column BY me with very little material FROM me… for many of you, it’s a fucking DREAM COME TRUE!!... douchebags

Another reason I did a column this week is that I wanted to plug a couple of tings that really, REALLY deserves plugging… so let’s get the ball rolling. 


There are a LOT of things over at Flea’s site, there is the IWC 100 list, there is a new Guide to Life from me (with a very diverse array of questions… sort of) AND Eric S checks in with an excellent column about the Mad Cow disease. Really, it’s one of the most things Eric has ever written, in my opinion. He has been turning in some outstanding work lately for both sites. 

Oh yes, and Flea’s latest 411 column is also kicking some serious ass. Flea’s been explaining the business from a realistic point of view to you kids. It would behoove you to listen. Top notch stuff from two of the best writers we have. AND A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN THE SUCK ASS BENOIT RULES/TRIPLE H SUCKS BULLSHIT YOU MORONS SWEAR BY!!!


In her STRONGEST column to date, Tammy saves my ass by looking at a whole lot of topics, and she speaks her mind on a couple of very popular workers.

The International Coordinator of Inside Wrestling Affairs

Welcome to another column from me, lets get this thing started....

First off lets get this out of the way. I am very pleased to see that my name made it to the IWC top 100. In fact, I made it #26, which I think is pretty good. Especially considering that I only started this a few months back, and well, didn't think this would turn out quite the way it did, but it did and I'm glad. I just hope that my column was ranked so high, because of its content and not who I am. 

After all, I've always said look past the person, and look at the insight. My email reflects a bit of both as I get lots of responses to my columns and lots of jerking off stories. It comes with the territory I guess. However I do think my column is quite worthy of its ranking, and maybe next year it'll be higher. Why? Well my column is a mishmash of stuff, some of the things the IWC 100 was ranked on, my column often has. The good and the bad, such as feedback responses, random ramblings and such. However I think my column does a pretty good job of making feedback interesting, and well lets face it my column has balls. I mean look, I'm the one who stood up and said RVD has the workrate of LEX LUGER. Something few people would say, but I then backed it up with facts, that Luger used 5 setup moves and the Rack, and RVD does 5 moves and Frogsplash. I also came out and said I thought Luger might have some good matches left in the tank, if given the chance and the motivation. I also stood up for Hulk Hogan, something that’s so shunned on the Internet, even though most of you are closet Hulk-a-maniacs. I praised Goldberg, when others were yammering on about how he was a cancer, but don't think I just play the devils advocate either, I am often very critical of Triple H, as well as the general direction of the WWE. I try to say things that aren't being said, and I try to say things that mean something. Sometimes I write feel good columns about many great things NOT in the Ric Flair DVD, and sometimes I write recommendations like ordering the NWA-TNA PPV from a few weeks back. 

Needless to say, I think my column tackles a lot of issues and a lot of interesting stories, views and opinions that other columnists seem to lack.

I'm not the best writer in the world, but when I seen I was #26, it made me laugh with pride, for reasons I can't print right now, but needless to say there is egg on some peoples faces and they never even knew what hit them.

Also for the record I do know that the IWC top 100 thingy, is based on someone’s opinion, but for the fun of it, I was glad to see I was ranked. I don't always read Flea, I just read a few people here on 411, but I happened to come across his column, and thought what the heck, maybe I'm in the lower 70's, and was happily shocked.

And oh yeah, Hyatte, on your tribute to could you not forget...."Everyone over to my house for pot pies and Mountain Dew" That was a classic.

And after the 15th firing of Steve Austin, we find Linda McMahon has rehired Steve Austin. Even though he was just fired in a loser never returns to the WWE match. Yes Steve Austin is RE-HIRED! But what will his role be? Will he be Co-GM again? Will he be commissioner AGAIN? Will he be a Creative Consultant again? Will he be CEO again? Will he be the boss, a wrestler, a commentator? Oh what can it be? Wait...he's going to be the....the.....The International Coordinator of Inside Wrestling Affairs....Which much like his new role as Sheriff, yes that’s right SHERIFF of Raw Brand......will be a glorified name for a Commissioner who will basically do nothing, add nothing, and will be wrote out of the show only to be re-wrote into the show in a few weeks. Ahhh, a breath of fresh air.

So I decided this week, given everything that’s going on I would cut Raw some slack. I mean, to be honest I've been pretty nice to Raw. They do the fans good, I do them good. When I was writing my fantasy booking (more on that in a bit) I was enjoying Raw. Granted I thought I was booking some things better, but overall I enjoyed it. I thought Raw really was starting to turn a cornerstone with the whole Austin is starting to get power hungry bit as GM, and it really peaked at Raw Roulette once Austin was gone. My problem really sank in with Raw, when they pissed all that away, brought back Foley, had him fire half the roster, rehire half the roster then make himself GM. It doesn't matter if in the end that plays into some big angle, because he sucked the fun out of 3 shows. The payoff can't be that good. Then they brought Austin back, essentially as Co-GM again, and re-hired all the people Bischoff fired. To be honest, Raw has come in one big loop for the year. We're right back where we started, and sadly, that sucks.

BUT, I'm going to talk about what I enjoyed on Raw. So here goes.

I enjoyed RVD versus Scott Steiner. Maybe its because Steiner's matches are always hard hitting. Mostly because he's basically wrestling with one leg. So he uses a lot of force with all his stuff. I really thought this match was fun, because its two guys who don't wrestle every week, AND, they were given 10 minutes to work a nice little match. I would’a fleshed it out to 15 minutes, and made it be the 3rd match of the show instead of the opening bout. But I did enjoy this perfectly acceptable little match.

I also enjoyed Booker T & Randy Orton. Booker looked like a million bucks, and it actually made you think he wanted the title. Randy didn't look real good, and didn't even cut that good of a promo, but in the end he's a work in progress so I won't knock him for that. However the Kane finish was terrible. This is why Evolution needs a female manager. She could’a tossed Orton a high heel, jab to the eye, and Orton could hit a blinded Booker with the RKO. Simple yet effective. The Kane run in, was stupid on many levels. Mostly because Mark Henry was thrown out so he wouldn't run in, and thus the fans expected a clean finish, and instead got a run in, just a non-sensible one. That doesn't make it better WWE bookers, it just makes you seem lazy. 

Example: You look on Raw and see "Later Tonight, Orton versus Booker, IC Title" And you think: well they ain't giving Booker the strap, so Henry is gonna run in. So they BAR Henry from the building, and you think. Cool now we'll get a legit winner, maybe even Book will win. Then they say, RUN IN KANE! And he runs in, they've tricked the fans, but they haven't made the match worth anymore, they've just used the same finish you were calling originally, except instead of it making sense, it made none, just to trick the fans. Pointless booking, that will eventually make the fans not care about any matches, because they'll be able to call a run in before the match, even if everyone who makes any sense to run in, is barred from ringside.

But enough, the match was good, and another around the 10 min mark, so kudos for that.

NOW, I know a lot of people are all over my case about me ragging on the guys who need to get out of the spotlight, like HBK & HHH. But they had, probably the best match of Raw all year. Sadly it was also the last Raw, so one good match out of 52 weeks ain't nothing to celebrate. None the less, the match was Stellar. The problem is, these guys don't have matches like that every week. HBK is really starting to get into the groove again, but he still misses more then he hits. Plus, Triple H worked his ass off to make that match good. The problem is, no one wants to see HHH/HBK Battle # 300, and as a free Raw main event it was good, but even after seeing that match, I don't want to see it again. 

Sadly we're gonna get another 2 months of it, so it seems. THIS is why last week, I said we needed Goldberg to freshen up this scene. Its 5 years too long and too late to see DX buddies feuding. Bleh.

However, I DID like the finish. Kudos to Arn Anderson or whoever came up with that one. Its the old Bulldog/Bret German Suplex double pin spot, but done to be a draw and not be the German. I liked it a lot, and thought it was great that HBK didn't get the title, because his last 2 runs have sucked so freaking much.

Up next I thought this would be fun. I recently saw this on a message board, in response to one of my columns. While this isn't the type of thing I'd normally respond to, I thought it might be funny to poke fun at, those who often find it easy to poke fun at me:

What does she know? Stone Cold Steve Austin is in my opinion the GREATEST WWE Champion of all time & he is the reason I started watching the WWE in the first place so I owe him a hell of a lot.

Personally I enjoy Austin whenever he is on RAW & I feel he adds to an already brilliant show. I feel the GM role is perfect for him & if an up & comer [say Randy Orton] is put in a segment with him it instantly increases their stock.

I would love to see Austin vs. Hogan @ WM 20 because its the two biggest superstars from the two biggest boom periods in WWE history. I think Austin should win this match & then like someone else said it would be a retirement match for them both. At the end they could share beer in the ring & hulk up together or something, lol!

I don't agree with what happened with Debra but I agreed with Austin 100% about jobbing to Lesnar with no build up, that is just stupid booking.

A good WWE show in my opinion should have a mixture of the future of the company & the established & past superstars, which it does perfectly at the moment.

Austin is better than Hogan could ever hope to be. I mean I can't deny what Hogan did for wrestling but I started to dislike him when he kept walking out because of money things. Austin walked because of burnout NOT money so that shows who has more passion for the WWE.

What's wrong with the old stunner now & then? The crowd always pops biggest for it so why mess with success?

Oh & Tammy Lynn Sytch saying Austin is out of shape. I'm sure your in such better shape than he is *rolls eyes*

In my opinion, Austin was the main reason [not discounting the other hard working talents] that the WWE didn't go out of business during the Monday night wars.

Hogan has done a lot for the WWE & I believe at first he was in the WWE because he loves the business but now he keeps coming back because he can't act or do well outside the business.

Simply put Tammy can go to hell because she is jealous of Austin & is a bitter woman. 

First and foremost, I have no reason to be JEALOUS of Steve Austin. Since we're not even in the same realm of the same profession. He's a male wrestler, I'm a female manager. None the less, perhaps I am jealous of his success? Not hardly, the guys been raked over the coals in several messy divorces, is a drunk and proven spouse abuser. He's one of the greats in wrestling, but his personal life is not anything to write home about, so no Jealousy here. I wouldn't mind a few of his paychecks, but I hear most of it goes to ex-wives anyway.

Randy Orton gets over on just being in a segment with Stone Cold? Perhaps, but not if the segment ends with Austin stunning Orton and putting him into a match with RVD. That segment HURTS Orton. ‘Nuff said for now, but one day soon I'll go over how Austin's big head ruined Jeff Jarrett’s potential WWF World Title Run and DESTROYED the nWo's run in WWE.

Austin versus Hogan, it’s anyone's booking, but I'd still have Hogan on top. In the end he'll be remembered, not Steve.

No need to cover Austin beating Debra, and as for Austin not losing to Lesnar, how do you know the storyline wouldn't be right? Hogan/Lesnar could have been a PPV match too, but it played out FINE on free TV. It also helped put Lesnar over as a legit threat, and if Austin would have done the same, Lesnar might be a bigger star today. We'll never know, cause Austin took his ball and went home, but all that’s been forgotten now.

"Austin is better than Hogan could ever hope to be. I mean I can't deny what Hogan did for wrestling but I started to dislike him when he kept walking out because of money things. Austin walked because of burnout NOT money so that shows who has more passion for the WWE."

Austin is better because he walked out because of BURNOUT? First, he walked out because his role was downsizing in the company. They no longer wanted Austin in the Main Events, and wanted him to lose to up and comers. THAT’S why he left. Of course Hogan has done the same thing, but at least he admitted, hey I left because the money wasn't right. Unlike Austin who actually wrote a article and a whole book essentially about how it was unfair for him to get pushed to the sidelines, this coming from the same man who did PARODIES of Hogan in ECW, because he was mad that Hogan wouldn't let new guys take his spot. The same thing, Austin is and was doing.

"What's wrong with the old stunner now & then? The crowd always pops biggest for it so why mess with success?"

Because its OLD, you said it yourself. Besides, that’s one of the only things the crowd pops for, because instead of putting new guys over, he's "Stunning" them before they can get over. So their moves don't pop the crowd, cause their never hitting them on Austin.

"A good WWE show in my opinion should have a mixture of the future of the company & the established & past superstars, which it does perfectly at the moment."

I agree a good show should have a mix of both. But the New guys should be beating the old guys, so they can headline when the old guys aren't around anymore. NOT the old guys putting each other over, and burying any new guys when they try to get or start to get over.

I think I've proved my point. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I like Austin, I do think he has a role in WWE, and I think he's a great entertainer. He deserves a lot of respect and credit, but he also needs to realize its time to let NEW stars into the picture. Austin is doing the same things, that EVERYONE hates Hogan for. I'm just calling a spade a spade, and one day you'll realize I'm right.

Now onto the fabulous world of READER MAIL!

Feedback this week was fun, which is good since Feedback is what really makes me want to keep this column up. First and foremost a funny story from one of the readers.....

Q: "The same reason you write a washed up old wrestling diva to complain. And for the record, I've forgotten more about wrestling then you'll ever know."

Damned straight! I loved your comeback...short, sweet, to the point and classy.

Reminds me of a trauma resident that I worked with years ago - he was always trashing wrestling and its fans; ranting about how 'fake' wrestling is and its fans being toothless drooling idiots. Even when I showed him my blown knee from Mike Davis's stiff shot, he was a complete ass about it. The guy was very arrogant; later that month Buff Bagwell came to our ER with a stinger suffered from wrestling Rick Steiner(Columbia, SC - a Nitro event, you may have been there); at first we thought it was a broken neck, and Dr. Assclown makes a snide remark about wrestlers being 'a bunch of faggots in spandex'. 

Unfortunately for him, the ER was full of wrestlers (Luger, the Steiners, Arn Anderson, Kevin Nash, etc) who all heard his comment. After a few words, Dr. Assclown demanded security be called and honest to God, the boy lost bladder control. I guess that I would too if I had Rick Steiner screaming in my face. The resident never said another harsh word (or any word) about pro-wrestling again.

Funny how things work out.....

Ralph Snart.

A: Yes it is funny how things work out. I remember that Nitro, although I thought it was a Thunder. None the less, I remember Steiner hurting Bagwell, and it probably put him in a mood where he didn't want to hear about how "fake" wrestling was. Steiner is a legit tough guy too, which wouldn't make him none to happy to hear that kinda crap. Oddly enough, it was also that injury that made Buff lose his stuff, as he never tried that hard again.

Joe in Brooklyn writes....

Q: Hey Tammy, seeing how your one of the few people to praise TNA for being the great product it is...what is your opinon on Abyss? He reminds me of Kane before he got screwed over and over and over and BAH GAWD over. Is it safe to say this guy is gonna be probably the best big man in the business in five years time? I mean alot can happen in five years, but his match with A.J. was truly the best Big Man vs. Little Man match I've ever seen. And fuck what everyone else says, I still think your hot.

A: I just am ashamed TNA doesn't get the coverage it deserves. Oddly enough if and when they go belly-up, everyone will buy up all their old tapes and yammer on about what a great product it was, and how they were the only ones supporting it back in the day. Bleh. Anywhoo, as for Abyss, not only does he have the potential to be the best big man ever in the biz, he's easily the best big man on the American scene right now. He reminds me a lot more of Vader then Kane, but then again Kane was supposed to be Vader.....Abyss to me, is Vader's body and style, Kane's size and Mankind's gimmick. And trust me folks, you can't beat that with a rubber stick. As for his match with AJ, it was the best big man versus little man I've ever seen. Yep.

Random Benoit Mark writes....

Q: First let me say that I really like your column, it's really different to hear a female's perspective on wrestling rather than her yapping about how it's fake. Moving on I'd like to correct you on one thing, in your column you said that Guerrero and Benoit were too small and too old to really hold any weight at the top, when actually both of them are the same age as Goldberg(36) and they both have never really shown their age in the ring as opposed to someone of lets say Shawn Michaels or HHH whose been injured repeatedly and wrestles so slow it makes Flair seem like a Cruiserweight. I have to say that I do not agree with you on your assumption that WWE fans would not take well to Benoit or 

Guerrero being champion, if you watch Smackdown you'll see that fans go wild (on near Hogan or Rock like levels) when he enters the ring and fans would most certainly take well to Benoit if creative would just hand him a mic remember all the back and forth promos he and angle cut during the golden months in WWE when Heyman was booking and there were **** star matches every week. They stopped that after they kicked Heyman out of creative. If that doesn't work fans will cheer for him purely because they know that they will get a damn good match every time he's in there. Just look at the match from Royal Rumble 03 it was one of the best matches WWE has ever put on period. I don't think that Benoit or Guerrero's age plays a part in why they don't get a title shot because at any given time wwe could decide to put the title on Flair just because. Also if you look back they gave the title to Bret Hart when he was about 34 or 35. Addititonally when has 36 ever been old especially in this business when the 

superstars wrestle until their in their mid forties or later. (look at shawn michaels he's 39 and says he reinvigorated and ready to wrestle a full schedule again) I'm 19 and no one better ever call me old if I get to 36. I don't want to ramble on but I simply love Benoit for everything he's done and what's he continuing to do and I know that when the wwe finally comes to there senses they will book the Benoit's, Guerrero's, Angles, and Van Dam's in the top spot. 

A: Ah where to start, Hyatte get your pad and pencil out as I rip this guy to shreds. You'll enjoy. First and foremost, you just give me a call when WWE puts the title on Flair, as I'll piss myself with enjoyment and then faint in shock, cause it ain't happening anytime soon. Now then, before we really tear into your argument, I want to point out that I never said "I" thought Benoit or Guerrero shouldn't hold the title because of age, size and such. I said the WWE perceives them that way. Guerrero too old, Benoit too short, in that order. My point last week was that WWE sees Goldberg as a big star, and he's the only 

fresh face in a LONG time to be booked as a big star, and not buried like Benoit, Eddie, RVD and Rey have been. But please, let me tell you more....

Benoit has NEVER, and I mean NEVER got "Rock & Hogan" like cheers. Sadly Rock has never even got Hogan like cheers. Doubt me? Go watch Smackdown from earlier this year where they actually edited 10 minutes out of the 15 they played of the fans JUST CHEERING FOR HOGAN! And he was only standing in the ring, not even moving. Sorry folks, but Benoit could beat Jesus in a best of 7 series and not get a reception like that.

Eddie actually did get insanely over in the WWE, and has time and time again. Eddie is 10 times better then Benoit, Eddie is the real deal, complete package, he can wrestle and he can talk. Yet he's never even been featured in a major title match. 

As for Benoit, he has been featured in some major title fares, but has always been made to look like he can't get the job done. And frankly the only time a company did give him the ball and tell him to run with it, he tucked his tail between his legs and left the company. Bad Karma maybe.

RVD is the modern day Lex Luger. There I said it. Luger has 5 moves, RVD has 5. Granted RVD's are flashier, but he has no heart for the business anymore. He much like Luger, has been screwed over too many times to care. Give him some $, he'll do a few bumps, pull of his 5 highspots and call it a night. Never wanting to carve out any legacy for himself.

As for Benoit cutting "great" promos with Angle. That never happened. Sure, Angle and Benoit were funny, but a large portion of that was Angle. Benoit is mediocre on the mic at best, and while I think that’s fine....VINCE MCMAHON doesn't. Vince doesn't like Wrestlers, he likes Entertainers.......Benoit is a great wrestler, he's a midcard entertainer.

Take Chris Jericho, he's a GREAT wrestler, and GREAT Entertainer. He's also 5 foot nothing. Unlike Benoit and Eddie, he's younger, flashier, and unlike RVD has the drive to be great. So WWE finally gives him the strap....and you know what. He's the worst champion in the history of the WWF.

THATS RIGHT! I said it! Chris Jericho's title run was the most embarrassing title run EVER. Bob Backlund’s 1 day title reign was better. Diesel's 12 months of fighting Mabel was better. Andre's 12 second title reign was better. Any of Triple H's title reigns were better. BIG SHOWS title reign was better.

Yes, its true. And while you are sitting there steaming thinking how dare she say that, think of this. Jericho was booked as the weakest champion ever. He was Steph’s BITCH, Terrified of HHH, and was booked as a midcard side attraction. Which included, but was not limited to, trying to run over Triple H's dog, Running from the dog, and losing almost every match he was in. In his WRESTLEMANIA MAIN EVENT WORLD TITLE MATCH, fans can be seen filing out of the building, and their was little to no reaction at all. Not that it was Y2J's fault, but its just the facts. Worst Champion Ever.

It wasn't Jericho's fault, but the reality is, the fans didn't buy him as champion right out the gate. To make matters worse, This isn't WCW where they gave Ron Simmons a chance to get over, they simply noticed he wasn't what they wanted, so they buried him so bad he'll be lucky if he'll ever hold the title again. The same thing will happen to Benoit, Eddie and RVD, if WWE doesn't smarten up quick. THAT was why I said Goldberg was important to the WWE's survival, because they haven't made Goldberg be the stooge that they made Jericho into.

So you keep watching WWE, and waiting for Benoit to tear up the World Title Scene. Unless a major shakeup happens within the next few years, there is probably a greater chance of David Arquette taking the title back.

One of the reasons I praise TNA so much is they make cruiserweights important, and AJ Styles, is made out to be a legit contender and a legit Heavyweight Champion, unlike Jericho, RVD and the lot.

Q: WHeres the rest of our fantasy booking?

A: I'm not going to write it. At the time I was writing it, I had high hopes for WWE to turn a new page within the new year. They didn't have to use MY ideas per say, but they were about to have to take a drastic new turn before Wrestlemania and use new talent and drive home new storylines. So I had fun predicting what I would do, unfortunately, I was wrong. Within a few weeks, Rico was off Raw, Hardy was buried, Trish/Jericho/Lita/Christian's angle was a bust, Goldust was fired, Hurricane was back to Heat, Foley was back on Raw, Austin was back as Co-Gm/Sheriff/Whatever, and we were back to the same Raw we started with in 2003. It kind’a makes it hard to keep writing fun stuff, when half of the people you were writing about are still getting the shaft.

I think that will do it for this week, until next time. Keep up the feedback, and live life to the fullest or whatnot.

One thing is obvious: after getting her feet wet for the first few columns, she’s now finding her groove here.

And I’d like to point out that I know for a FACT that Flea doesn’t impress easily, and he rates his IWC list on anything BUT name factor. 

Don’t be afraid to disagree with her. SunTam1 is her e-mail.

Thanks Kitten, for adding to the must-read flavor of this column BIG TIME. 


EarlytimeVa: ok, let's get this over with 

EarlytimeVa: QUEER 

EarlytimeVa: there, all done 

EarlytimeVa: it was painless yes? 

EarlytimeVa: good good 

EarlytimeVa: no retaliation? 

EarlytimeVa: not even gonna pick on my spelling? 

EarlytimeVa: come on man 

EarlytimeVa: have some pride!!!! 

EarlytimeVa: are you really gonna let all hyattes readers do this to you?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 

EarlytimeVa: I mean COME ON you're THE RICK 

EarlytimeVa: you don't have to take this shit from little old me 

EarlytimeVa: let's go right now 

EarlytimeVa: fight back damn it 

EarlytimeVa: >:o 

EarlytimeVa: man... 

EarlytimeVa: I'll tell ya what, I'm gonna be nice 

EarlytimeVa: I'll give you the benifit of the doubt 

EarlytimeVa: see everytime someone comes at you with all this shit, you're typing up an incredibly witty reply 

EarlytimeVa: but you get kicked off aol before you have the chance to send it 

EarlytimeVa: yeah I know how that is...bunch of nazi's over at aol kicking you off 

EarlytimeVa: it's ok man 

EarlytimeVa: ... 

EarlytimeVa: not a "thankyou for your kind words" 

EarlytimeVa: "thanks for understanding about the computer" 

EarlytimeVa: you son of bitch 

OORick signed off at 6:21 PM

OORick signed back in at 6:23pm

EarlytimeVa: ah so aol kicked you off eh?

OORick signed off at 6:24pm

This shit will NEVER stop cracking me up.


The following is a (n almost) true story:

Me: Hello

Flea: Hello Hi-rate

Me: What’s up, Flea

Flea: That motherfucker have better motherfucking motherfucked, and if not, it’s all you.

Me: What? Who?

Flea: You are my friend… I’m going apeshit over here…. (sound of rustling, incoherent mumbling, more rustling) mushugunna reks swish fuck you gotta go do some business *click

The sad part is, he’ll live to piss on all of your graves.

The boy seriously worries me sometimes.

Jesus H. 


I always need more of these. You all are doing great, so keep them coming.

Not only do we pay homage to an old school vet from the 80’s, but we also have one of the funniest Nash promos EVER!! 

What about you? What about "Raisin?" I mean you might as well ask, what about the flight of the African ant-eater...or how about, what about the fact that nobody cares about any of those questions and nobody gives a damn about either one of you!- Chris Jericho 

We all make mistakes, and I realize that by bashing the Rock with a steel chair, maybe I made a little mistake... or maybe I didn't! Maybe subconsciously, I picked up on Rock's snide little remarks, and maybe there was a part of me that wanted to wrap a steel chair around his skull! You see, one of us is not being a team player.- Mick Foley

Landel I would loan you one of my robes but I’m afraid you would get lost in the arms- Ric Flair NWA TV: 1985 discussing an almost-in-shape Buddy Landel

Boy, Buddy Landel is in some shape, eh Jess?- Monsoon

Well he gets up every morning, eats 6 bear claws, and then plays basketball for six hours a day. That’s his training regimen- Jesse Ventura, discussing a grossly overweight Buddy Landel

You know...when you break into this business, it's like no other business in the world. Twelve months a year you're on the road - twelve months a year you go up and down the road in cars with guys. When you first break into this business, the veterans sit you in the back and they tell you the codes and the conducts that the boys live by. One of the codes we live by is 'the boys NEVER screw one of the boys.' Now what you see out here week in and week out is one thing. What you see behind these curtains, or I should say what you DON'T see behind these curtains, well, that's a different story. You see there's two separate entities in this business. In one hand, you've got the boys, and in the other hand, you've got the office. Night in, night out, we come out here and give our see, the boys - we're kind of a fraternity - we kinda govern ourselves. The office - they're all business. It's all about the dollar. The office takes, and takes, and takes, and takes. Because, quite frankly, the office doesn't give a shit about us. We got no benefits - we got no medical, no dental, we got no retirement, we got no disability - the son of a bitches don't even pay our Social Security! But I'll guarantee you one thing - if the office can find a way to screw one of the boys to make a dollar, I'll guarantee ya, one of the boys is gonna get screwed. Now Bill Goldberg, I don't give a damn about you, but what happened to you last night in Starrcade was bullshit. You see, in this fraternity, if we don't watch out for ourselves, we're in a lot of trouble, guys. It's about survival, 'cause the office - those blood suckin'-- ... they'll take and take and take, guys, until we got nothing left, then they'll throw us to the curb. And that leads me to you, Bret Hart. Last night, Bret Hart, you broke that code. You screwed one of the boys. Through the office you found a way for your personal gain, and you screwed one of the boys. You know, Bret Hart, you tell everybody that you're the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be - well, buddy boy, you're nothing but a piece of shit.- Nash: Nitro ‘99 

Ha! Nash bitching about THE SUITS!! So funny for SO many reasons.


I’m still taking suggestions on these. More wrestling quotes at the moment, but whatever you feel like sending my way. Just do your best in making them word perfect.

I now have three enemies, Jerome. The Japs, the Germans, and YOU!

I wasn’t in on that Pearl Harbor thing- Biloxi Blues

My father never made it out of the fourth grade. He knew people. But he didn't know his ass from his elbow. You know what he was? He was a faith healer. I used to travel the circuit with him. I was the one he healed. I was the shill, to set the crowd up. "Walk, my boy. When I lay my hands on you, you will walk." You will walk. Sodden old bastard. He thought it was him they believed in, but it was me.- They Shoot Horses Don't They?

I’d advise you not to touch that device, Major. It’s a time machine. You idiot.- Lost in Space 

What makes you think either Miller or Sherwood would stand for the nonsense I take from you? You'd better stick to Beaumont and Fletcher! They've been dead for three hundred years! 

ALL playwrights should be dead for three hundred years!

I shall never understand the weird process by which a body with a voice suddenly fancies itself as a mind. Just when exactly does an actress decide they're HER words she's speaking and HER thoughts she's expressing?

Usually at the point where she has to rewrite and rethink them, to keep the audience from leaving the theatre!- All About Eve

Okay then… let’s take things home nicely with…


Flea put me at #6. I think I DESERVED top 5 but whattya gonna do? 

Space is tight here, so let’s run down a few of the names here and I’ll supply some brief, oh so witty observations. Maybe I’ll see fit to comment about YOU? Wouldn’t THAT make your life complete?

1. Dave Meltzer – Like he cares 

2. Jeremy Borash – fudge packer 

4. Scott Keith – Let’s hope he puts this in his online dating profile

7. Bruce Mitchell – re-read his stuff, Bruce ain’t so great the second time around

11. Eric Szulczewski – moving up

12. Buck Woodward – him and Dave are the world’s worst “comedy” team

13. Dean Rasmussen – he’s still alive?

15. Jim Hall – He used to read me until I offended him

17. Justin Roberts – The fuck is this guy?

18. CRZ – Heh, he married a man! 

22. The Ruggerio Brothers (counted as one this year) – Lamest message board around

23. Steve Corino – He still challenging Net writers to a match?

25. The Cubs Fan – He started the same week I started… 

26. Tammy Lynn Sytch – she’ll be top ten by July

27. Rajah Kumar – The one man who is praying to Allah that they put the F back in.

29. Zach Arnold – I’ve seen a picture of him… yellowest teeth I’ve ever seen. 

30. Bob Magee- nice guy

32. April Hunter – likes black men! 

33. Damian Gonzalez – Who?

37. Rob Feinstein – heh… Jew 

38. Jason Powell – heh… homo 

39. Georgianne Makropoulos – I think I had sex with her last March.

43. Phil Rippa – Never heard of him. 

45. Todd Martin – I like Todd

46. Phil Schneider – who? 

47. Eric Gargiulo – WHO???

49. Jeb Tennyson Lund – what a ridiculous name. Whoever he is, I bet he wears bib overalls.

50. Michael Tearson – No one is Tearing ass to read him… heh heh heh 

51. Josh Nason – Josh is still around?

53. Bryan Rapp – WHO??

56. Chris Yandek – His audio commentary makes him sound like a goofy teenager

60. Nik Johnson – What faggot goes by the name “Nik”?

61. Derek Burgan – Oh I like Deke.

64. Mr. Tito – When will he smarten up and join a REAL site?

66. Mallory Mahling – I’d fuck her 

70. Michael LeBlanc – Sorry, I’m drawing a “blanc” of my own with this name. HO! 

73. Brian Garside – Nope, never heard of him

74. Joey Styles – didn’t he quit?

78. Seadawg – You mean Delphi is STILL around??

81. Raven Mack – WHO?? 

82. Bob Barnett – Heh, he was top ten last year… now he’s 82. What happened?

85. James Guttman –Great, another Jew with an opinion… it’s all we need

92. Dory Funk Jr – Dory Sr. would be proud. Hell, Jimmy Jack would be so proud.

93. Arnie Katz – I swear, Flea makes up some of these names.

And that’s all you get! The full list is here, as well as a whole lot of other things I’ve already talked about.

One person who SHOULD have been on the list is Trish Stratus… I mean, she hasn’t written a THING online and somehow manages to get a lot of net losers (Hello!) kissing her ass in their columns and web blogs all from brief chats with an IMPOSTER. If that ain’t influence, I don’t know what is

Anyway, next week… I’ve got stuff… what kind of stuff? The fuck should I know. Well, I sort of DO know but… well… nothing’s set in stone until next Sunday evening around 3 am. There WILL be stuff, tho’… and I’ll try to make up for the lack of Hyatte-stuff that was in this week’s column, if you really, REALLY miss your Hyatte stuff:

Dear cuntface, I do miss the Hyatte stuff, it vanished 3 YEARS AGO!!! Hasn’t been seen since! Please retire now and save what’s left of your dignity 

There, just cut, paste, and send… flaming made easy, shitburger!

Thanks to Tammy and Flea and John Grisham and the Rick for carrying the column this week. (and believe me, Flea WILL point this out to me every time we talk for the next year)


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