The Midnight News 02.16.04
Posted by Hyatte on 02.16.2004
NY vs Beantown, No Way Out, A Father Reaches Out, Flea, Fatso, and Punishment
Step your game up. Stop using me in your opening sentences. Stop making racist jokes. Try some better comebacks. Stop living like you are still the King of the Net when you are really just a washed up writer. Everyone has surpassed you. Hell, even Widro has surpassed you. You dissing me in your column is getting old as hell. People don't care Hyatte.
YOU didn’t surpass me tho’, whitey.
Hello applebobbers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News, now usually I’d kick off the column with a LOT more letters, just to start annoying you and to get you stabbing away at your scroll down button early, but this is a special week, so all the letters get kicked down to the last section. NEXT column I’ll post a few talking about the “AAT” piece I wrote last week that you can re-read later and refresh your memory, but right now we’ll just jump into things. This’ll be one of those columns that has one GIANT section, one not-GIANT, but pretty big section, and a bunch of little sections I shoved in here and there.
Eh… it’s gonna be a lousy column. I’m tired.
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS LAME TOPICAL JOKES WITH WRESTLING AWKWARDLY ADDED IN OF THE WEEK
Confident that he has won the Democratic nomination, , Senator John Kerry is focusing on President Bush with a controversial, innovative campaign. Instead of giving speeches at his rallies, Senator Kerry comes on stage with three scantily clad females and shoots on all the pussy and kickbacks he has received thus far. Later this week, Kerry plans on taking his inner circle on a “raid” to the White House, with the hopes of making it to the Oval Office front door, banging on it and shouting, “COME ON OUT, GEORGE, WHY ARE YOU AFRAID OF TALKING TO ME LIVE ON AIR???” Pundits blame Kerry’s newly hired campaign manager, Vince Russo for this. In a statement, Russo said, ““It’s all a show! Telling the truth about what happens backstage is the next evolution of politics!!”
In other news, did you hear that scientists have discovered a 750 million year old galaxy that is 13 BILLION light years away from Earth! 13 BILLION… wow… already, World Wrestling Entertainment has booked a weekend of house shows for the Raw brand there in the first weekend of May. Just Saturday and Sunday, then back to Earth for their Raw show in Boise the following Monday!
In sports, the New York Yankees stunned the sports world by signing superstar Alex Rodriquez. This comes as a major blow to the Boston Red Sox, both fans and management alike, who were hoping to sign A-Rod for themselves. When asked to comment about this latest attack on Boston, Yankee’s owner George Steinbrenner said, “This is only the beginning! I also bought a time machine!! Once regular season gets going, I plan on announcing the scores of all Red Sox games BEFORE they’re even played!” He also has plans to hire Nomar Garciaparra and Manny Ramirez to the Yankees to form the “Outfielders”, who will begin a “You want a war, you got a war” angle that promises to take baseball to a whole new level!
You’re in a good mood, tonight, Mr. George Segal is here (audience roars), one of the great in country music, Mr. Conway Twitty!! (audience roars), and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embry will bring out some exotic animals!! So stay where you are (*swings imaginary golf club back) we’ll be riiiight (drum roll… golf swing) back… (orchestra plays). I thank you… whoopie!!
This gets worse every time I run it.
YANKEES GO HOME
Yeah, before I get into the PPV…
At exactly what point did baseball stop being about 26 teams and started revolving completely around New York vs Boston? This war hasn’t been raging like this for that long.
ARE there other teams in baseball anymore? Once upon a time, the team that actually WON the world series was considered a threat for the new year… now no one talks about the Marlins… every year, it’s the Yankees and the Red Sox… and every year, those fucking Yankees trump Boston… damn fucking Yankees.
You’ll still LOSE next year… just like last year when the Marlins kicked your ass AND the year before when ANAHEIM… GODDAM ANAHEIM handed you your asses!!! Oh, you’ll lose this year… you’ll lose, lose lose…
You won’t even make it into the Series! THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE RED SOX!!!! IT’S OUR YEAR, FINALLY!!!!!! BOSTON’S GONNA TAKE IT ALL THE WAY, BABY!!! WHOO HOOOOOOOOOOO
Fucking Yankees… damn you all to hell.
Hey New York… what happened to your JETS this year? Huh? HUH? Who won the Superbowl again??? YEAH!!
NO WAY (IwatchedthePPV,I was) OUT
I didn’t order it. I’m a Raw guy… sorry. I hardly even watch Smackdown… why would I, there are spoilers all over the place and Survivor: All Stars is AWESOME.
So, I was online, busy having cybersex with Dawn Marie (of COURSE it was her… who else would have the AIM screen name: “DwnMarieWWE”?) when, from out of nowhere, the following PPV recap landed in my in-box. I don’t know who the recapper is… but I was so touched by what the man wrote and why he wrote it, that I decided to use it.
I don’t know what else to do. I have exhausted all other attempts to reach you. I sit across from you every night at the dinner table and watch you eat in silence. Eat, sleep, and poop. That’s all you do. Your idea of talking to your father is a grunt, a shrug, and a roll of your eyes when I try to ask how school was or if you met any girls yet. I don’t understand that crazy music you listen to, or those baggy clothes you wear. Or why you have to dye your hair orange! God gave you brown hair, Kevin—beautiful brown hair. Why not show it off?
So I’ve resorted to communicating to you through this medium. You like this silly wrestling nonsense, and the few times I’ve seen you smile is reading this column from Gloryhound Derek Burgan. So, I decided to take it up a notch and show you that I really am a cool hip dude daddy! These minimum wage would-be-writers (oh how I have tried to turn you onto the juicy stuff… like Dickens and Fitzgerald, now those are writers who can fry your bacon!) are the only people you seem to care about. Well, I’m your father! I’m cool too, damn it. I know the lingo. I am not some old fogie. I’m hip, son. You think these acid washed levis I wear just walked into our house and into my closet by themselves? I went to the Gap and bought them. I even flirted with the girl who worked there. She took a real fancy to my Springsteen denim jacket with the sleeves cut-off. She couldn’t stop staring. If that’s not hip, I don’t know what is.
Her name is Julie, by the way. She’s in your class. I told her about you and she seemed to know you. Perhaps I’ve just hooked you down, eh Kevin? Didn’t expect that from your old man, did you?
So, while you watched this PPV in your room (and it better be clean, young man. With the amount of time you spend in there!) I watched it in the parlor with your momsy and here’s what happened. You read this and tell me your old man isn’t too cool for school.
-The Bashing Ham boys lost to the Fat Guy and his good friend Wormer. Now Kevin, I know everyone at school calls you fat, but you tell them that you are just big boned. THAT guy is fat! And see, fat guys can have skinny cool friends! How cool is that Wormer guy? Look at how he slithers across the room like a break-dancer!
-But the fat guy also attacked that poor black girl. That’s not good Kevin. Do not attack girls! Never, especially black girls or they’ll send their posse over to our house and then I’ll have to call the police. You don’t want to attack girls, do you Kevin?
-A man in a blindfold took it off and beat his ex-girlfriend. I can’t believe this crap appeals to you, Kevin! Your mother and I tried to get you involved in your school band. If this No Bell fella played the tuba, like a normal person, he wouldn’t have to beat up girls, he’d be dating them. Maybe that’s why you haven’t mentioned any lady friends, Kevin? Ever think of that? Maybe if you followed your cool parents advice and joined the band, you’d have girls swimming out of your ears! You are 16 years old, son. It’s high time you started getting interested. And don’t give me that “I don’t have a car” jive, you know I’ll drive you and your date to the movies and then to Burger King anytime. Lots of room in the back of the Odyssey for a pair of fun loving teens like you and your date!
-The two young blue chippers narrowly defeated the two rugged tough guys in a thriller! Now, see, this I approve of. Two teams with a white guy and a darkie on each side, facing off! This is racial unity, Kevin! I know, we’re lucky enough to be in an upper-middle class part of town, so you don’t get to see too may black people (unless your school buses them in, in which case I’m glad your Mother makes you wear that wallet chain to school!) but if this program is teaching us the brotherhood of man, then bully for them!
-And remember Kevin, blacks are people too. They just have an extra bone in their foot, so don’t be ashamed that they can outrun you. Their families can’t afford to eat every day, so that’s why they are so skinny. I work hard to put food n our table every night, so you are husky.
-That chubby Jewish fellow and that big Block head guy taunted Goldberg into a confrontation and Goldberg was arrested for it. Is Goldberg your hero, Kevin? Why? People who break the rules shouldn’t be cheered, Kevin. It’s the law abiding citizens who are the real heroes! Like me! I’ve never been to jail in my life! All I do is work my fingers to the bone in the damn accounting firm to put a roof over your head! Why aren’t I your hero? Come on man, cut me some skin here. Give me some slake. You’re really bringing me off. I’m your old man, and I love you.
-At this point, it was time to go walk Precious, so I missed twenty minutes. Stopped and talked to Mrs McCloud. She has some old jigsaw puzzles that she found in her attic that she gave to me. Isn’t that snaggly? We can make a whole night out of it next Friday! Jigsaw puzzles with the parents! How swinging is that?
-Kurt Angle beat that snotty hip-popping punk and the Giant in a three way. Now this is totally neat-o-rama! Here we have an Olympic Hero, a proud American kicking the tail of that M & M want to be who thinks he’s a poet without knowing it! Anyone who thinks they are a gangster should be incarcerated! I half expected that punk to pull put a gun and start drive-bying people.
-I know, son, I know you think I’m being square for not letting you buy these wrapper albums, but I just want you to be exposed to real music. Real, safe music that makes people happy. Genesis, REO Speedwagon—I even said you could listen to my old Billy Squire tapes for when you want to rock out some. When that J See butthead can sing “Susudio” like Phil Collins can, then I’ll consider.
-I know I’m not current, but I’m trying. Your birthday is coming up. Be a little nicer to your old man and you just might find that Clay Aiken record next to your birthday cake this year! See, I know all the hits! You Daddio is up with his bad self.
-The Hispanic amigo with the bad drug history needed Goldberg to beat Blockhead and win the belt. I’m of mixed feeling here, son. I applaud the Latino for overcoming his problems (what have I always told you? Just say NO, Kevin!) and winning, but he needed the help from Goldberg, who resisted arrest and broke out of JAIL, apparently, to help him! Why can’t they just do it one on one? Why throw the element of crime into it?
Well anyway. I told you I could do it. Am I “cool” now? Am I “hip”? Has your old man finally proven that you shouldn’t be ashamed of him? I know, I have to sometimes be the bad guy and lay down some ungroovy laws once in a while, but it’s only because I love you son. I want you to have lots of friends and be a whiz with the ladies. (and in order to do that you really should cut your hair so everyone can see your handsome round face, but that’s another conversation for another time). Am I now good enough to be “ill” for you? Come on, Kevin, tell me straight across.
I’ll be straight across with you! I love you. I’ll tell the world that Kevin Gallowshore has a father that loves him! From our home in Fort Pierce all across the World Wide Net
I will stand bold and shout that I am proud of my boy!
I even looked up the songs of that smoking cool singer Avril Spears that all the kids listen to these days and will sing it for all to hear… or read:
You don't look at me
When I say you’re wonderful
And suddenly, you get up and leave
I’m your FATHER, son
you should not be so ashamed
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Don’t let kids bring you down… OHHHH
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, you are still my only son
So how about you give me a break… todayyyy
You are beautiful, son, no matter what they say
Don’t let words bring you down
You are beautiful, Kevin in every single way
Why do you always frown
How about you give me a smile todayyyy..
And stay off the pot.
Ya know… usually I have a pretty good idea about what’ll work… but sometimes, it truly is a matter of throwing it against the wall and seeing if it’ll stick
I have no clue how this’ll play.
DOING THE STRUT IN CELL BLOCK D
You have, of course, heard about how Ed Leslie, aka Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake, aka Brother Bruteye, aka The Booty Man, aka The Disciple was busted in a Boston Subway station (mass transit, not the sammitch shop—although, judging from his waistline, Brutus was no doubt going to end up at the sammitch shop at the end of the day, had he not been busted) with a little cocaine… which was thought to be anthrax, which freaked folks out until Brutus said, “Naw, man, just a little coke! What?”
Beefcake had brought the bag with him to work… see, he collects tokens part time.
This is a man who had made MILLIONS (well, hundreds of thousands) in professional wrestling… and he rode Hulk Hogan’s tuckus for as long as it was humanly possible.
Working as a subway toll taker.
Hey look, we’ve ALL brought drugs to work with us… hell, last week I was so fried on speed, after I finished cleaning the toilets at my own hospital, I went to other hospitals and cleaned theirs! Last month I dropped a tab of acid and performed open heart surgery on some poor shlub (lost a damn fine Timex somewhere in there too)…
And no one ever accused Ed Leslie of curing cancer… the boy is known for being maybe the dumbest wrestler who ever no-sold a move.
But this… this is just sad.
Save your money, you nitwit wrestlers… save every last penny… hoard it! You’ve got your contract, now milk it for all it’s worth. Go wrestle just for the love of the sport AFTER you build your ass a nest egg… Jesus Christ, Hogan hustled a giant ass WCW Contract for Beefcake… AND LOOK AT WHERE HE TURNED UP!!
I wonder if Leslie will demand that no inmate stick their cock near his face… “No, you don’t understand, I was in a boating accident!! My face was totally reconstructed… don’t go near it!!” Yeah, that’ll play in Gen Pop.
THE IWFLEA 1000
This was going to go elsewhere, but that fell through, so it goes here.
Something caught Ringo… err…FLEA’s fancy, and he decided to commit a thousand words to it:
* * *
Just my luck that Hashish took the easy way out and totally bypassed the other news to do a PPV preview. Why do I say that? Because that leaves me two topics that deal with lawsuits, which in turn deals with the lawyers and the court system, which in turn makes me want to puke. But I will hold my nose, take a drink and attempt to get through the next two items without going off on a tangent on how anyone involved in the legal system should be made to dress like sheep and be thrown to a pack of horny Australians…
Tiger Ali Singh, better known as that jerkoff who Vince Russo tried to get over, is now SUING the WWE for a cool seven MILLION dollars (along with that no talent father of his trying to get an extra million for himself) for allegedly forcing him to don a turban and take part in a degrading gimmick. Oh, and they also fucked with him backstage, the litany of charges ranging from hazing out of control to downright embarrassment in the form of shitting in his turban. Poor baby. Is he going to call Sable as a character witness? Or better yet, will he get that dumb ass ref that got turfed out for being a big baby and then spilled his guts for alleged “backstage wrongdoing”? What the hell is his old man Jeet’s problem, anyway? Who cares about him? Oh yeah, Tiger also is claiming that the Fed fired him after his “career ending injury” in a rain soaked ring in Puerto Rico. I can pretty much guarantee he wasn’t doing a “no hands tope” to impress the crowd when it happened. But hey! He has a lawsuit, and as frivolous as it may be, it will be taken seriously in a court of law, most likely making sure it is booked ahead of the rapist that has gotten continuance after continuance due to the fact that the court system in overwhelmed by someone who just can’t handle the fact that they were assigned a gimmick and pushed but still was unable to captivate the fans imagination. Like that has never happened. My only concern in all this is that it will open the door for a whole bunch of failed wrestlers to sue over “stupid or offensive gimmick assignments”. And as it was said in the classic song “Mac the Knife”, “oh that line forms on the RIGHT, BABE.”. What sticks in my mind here is that Cactus Jack had probably the most ridiculous gimmicks every given to someone during his run in the Fed – Mankind (a deformed, abused piano prodigy) and Dude Fucking Love (which needs no explanation). Jeez, Mick made it work didn’t he? Oh, yeah. He had TALENT! More on this story as it develops, but hopefully the news breaks during the WEEK so I don’t have to deal with it.
Item two on the legal front deals with The Real REAL Double J (TRRDJ) Jerry Jarrett’s pending suit against, among others, a cat named Hassman, who allegedly fucked him over on the NWA-TNA’s PPV dealing. Well, I’ll be a raped ape. This one is going to be good folks, as we will actually get to witness how incompetent people in the wrestling business can actually be. At this point I am taking BOB, TRRDJ and the gangs’ side, just because of this:
He said, she said, paranoia reigns, one impugns, another seconds, a rumor is suddenly verified as truth, all spirals outward, everybody's living in fear, disaster's on the horizon, anger, hatred is incited from within, as with venomous "leaks-scoops" with "5-minute-later 1wrestling.com exclusive extensive interviews" (read in actuality, diatribes), manipulative, scandalous follow-ups, mixed with rumor-mongering and not only attempted character-assassination, but also highlighted by threats of death by shooting...
All this, just because some people don't understand, won't listen, and regardless of how many times things are explained, "just don't get it!"
That’s as much as I will waste you time with here. The full monty is over on the newsline, I will provide a link at the end of this segment.
PS: No telephone calls, please. My lawyers say nothing but prepared statements in order to prevent any more "downright consternation crisis creations." PS: Email any questions to me and I will answer only those that counsel says I can.
Good Lord, where do I start. Anyone who has read my columns or has ever talked to me knows at times, I ramble incoherently, especially if my mixture is several notches over the limit (or under the limit for that matter). But that’s fucking around. This, according to Hassman is a PREPARED statement, which means his LAWYERS approved this for public consumption. Three sentences in and I’m thinking “Damn, this guy is a fuck up”. The icing on the cake was the “This is a prepared statement” portion, which almost made me spittake my vodka and lime. You have GOT to be kidding me! If the charges that TRRDJ and BOB say are true, Hassman is about to be in some serious hot water. Fraud, especially when it falls under FCC jurisdiction, is not something to be taken lightly. So, we waited and waited for Hassman to finally tell his side of the story and that’s what he comes up with? And the lawyers approved it? Don’t even get me started on the various grammatical errors and sentence structure of said “prepared statement”. This guy comes off like a clown and a no-nothing, which he may or may not be, but damn. At least take some fucking pride in explaining YOUR side of the story, dude. Trust me, when BOB is legally able to go online and rip you a new asshole, he will so you should try to be better prepared for these wars. By the way, hire some fucking lawyers with secretaries that know how to proofread, or at least get someone to do your public speaking for you. And here’s another piece of advice - sucking up to Keller and the Torch ain’t gonna help - he will turn on you faster than a whore turns a $10 trick at 3 in the morning. Oh, and don’t type in caps.
For the full effect go to the newsline archives, 8.20.02 for Jay Hassman speaks….trust me, it’s a must read.
* * *
Of course, now I’ll get to hear him howl about how he saved my column…. again, but everybody likes to hear from Flea. I aim to please.
DADDY’S COMING HOME (??)
Someone gave me the “411” (*snort.. har!) on this..
There is an old saying, “If you have done it, it ain’t bragging.” I have been blessed with a career that spans over 25 years in the sports entertainment industry. There are not too many facets of our business that I do not have experience in.
Of course, most people recognize me from the characters that I have played on television, radio, video tape/DVD presentations, video games, action figures and the like. Notwithstanding my extensive work behind the scenes, as a writer, stage manager, promoter, and booker, merchandise director and talent scout.
Unfortunately, I am not available at this time for independent wrestling events, personal appearances, autograph signings, or media interviews. Please feel free to contact me at the following email address at anytime for possible future booking information. Only serious requests will be considered.
This, of course, is from Percy “Paul Bearer” Pringle
Hmm, so apparently he’s gonna be too “busy” for bookings… with the Return of the Dead Man set and underway….
I wonder if they’ll remember that he is Kane’s daddy?
Jesus Christ, nevermind all that… how is this dude still ALIVE?? Boy’s so fat he has gravy for blood!
If they bring back the damn urn I’m gonna throw my TV out the fucking window.
WOW, THIS SHOW SUCKS
Robert from L.A. sent in this bit of news…
In the latest issue of Backstage West which is a performing arts weekly trade:
Wow Events, LLC will hold an open call for "Wow," a TV series.
Prod. David McLane Enterprises, Inc. and GRB Entertainment, Inc. Shoot starts Sept.
There is possible pay.
Breakdown - Females: 22-32, all character types and dialogue types, athletic look and background, tumbling, dance, wrestling, gymnastics and acting background a plus, athletes to portray campy villains and superheroes with conflicts between lead characters resulting in drama. Athletic wear preferred. Bring pix and resume.
Open call will be held Tue., Feb. 17, 1 p.m., at Bliss Restaurant, 650 N. La Cienega Blvd., W. Hollywood. For more information e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Non-union.
As Robert pointed out to me, not a single mention of the word “wrestling”.
Jesus… this McClane guy doesn’t give up. He’s gonna make his fortune on wrestling chicks or die trying.
Female wrestlers in a “reality” series… without any wrestling.
Dear God… what if this takes off? What if someone actually buys the show and puts it on air and it takes off!!
Oooh, imagine the lawsuit Vince Russo lays down on McClane for stealing his idea and making fortune off it!!
Let’s just hope… nay, let’s just PRAY McClane can lure Jackie Stallone out of retir…heh… out of whatever the fuck Jackie Stallone does and gets her involved with this show… she was a HUGE part of GLOW 15 years ago… she showed up at every show and was apparently drunk out of her snatch…
Dave McClane is a hoot, actually… he used to do bits where he would be at a payphone and pretend to be talking to Vince McMahon himself. This guy takes cheesiness to a whole new level… and he never wore a suit that wasn’t bought directly from K-Mart.
It’ll never fly, of course.
Then again, if it does, Ivory can pull a “Spanky”, jump ships, and come back home to McClaneville.
SQUIRTING WITH DISASTER
One last note about this whole squirter girl issue… mucho importante, so please read:
Just wanted to offer you a little more good news. Newsfilter.org, the site you keep referring people to for the squirting Queen Amidala, is propagating the Cool Virus. The virus is embedded in one of the mpegs on the movie page, but I have been unable to verify which one. The proprietor of the newsfilter site was notified of this several weeks ago, but to my knowledge has not corrected the issue. I'm not sure of the legal ramifications this could have for you or 411mania, but I just wanted to give you a heads up before the men in black come breaking down your door and you end up in Guantanamo Bay for "Cyberterrorism." Also the F-Secure.exe program is the only antivirus on the market available to remove this virus.
Anyway, I hope this makes your day worse. Fuck you. Fuck your mom. Fuck your mom's lesbian lover. Fuck your mom's lesbian lover's oblivious live-in boyfriend, and fuck his hairless chihuahua.
-I lost the name, sorry bro’
So if you go to that site, STOP IT IMMEDIATELY!!! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Jeeze, a porno-ish site that may cause you trouble and may be no-good and scummy? Get outta here!
A LIVE MIC = DANGER!
I always need more of these. You all are doing great, so keep them coming.
Why wont you give Booker T a title shot?
Because he doesn’t deserve it. There are plenty of other guys who do like Psycosis or El Dandy.
Who are you to doubt El Dandy?- Bret Hart and Mean Gene on Nitro
I couldn’t find the basement, Mr. McMahon
You couldn’t find your own ass, Patterson
I know where it is, Mr. McMahon
Well of course of you do, he's sitting on it- Vince, Brisco, and Patterson: Raw ‘98
I can't tell you how proud I am as a father to hear a jam-packed arena shout the chant of 'slut' to my daughter!- Vince McMahon: Raw 2001
Hey Flair! Wanna know what your wife does every morning? She leaves my hotel room!- X-Pac (Syxx): Nitro ‘97
Shut up JR, your mother's a whore! - Terry Funk on Shotgun Saturday Night
What happened Tommy? You came back from All-Japan wrestling with your trunks and your boots and said, “By golly I’m really going to wrestle”? Did Giant Baba hand you a dozen eggs and say, “Here crack those on Jumbo Tsuruta's head”? You're a disgrace to the profession, you're becoming a damn fool and I can’t sit back and take it because I’ve got a moral obligation. Tommy, try to understand I am fouled experiment in human sociology and I can accept that but never in my sickest dreams did I imagine that there would be other wrestlers taking dives onto concrete floors committing human suicide on my behalf like I’m a patron saint of all the sick son of bitches. Is that all I stand for Tommy? J.T.Smith lands head first on the concrete and hears the fans yell you fucked up, you fucked up! Well, fuck you. Who the hell do you think you are? We're not a wrestling promotion, we're the world's biggest damn puppet show- Mick Foley: ECW TV 95
Here comes Macho Man with Elizabeth!- Schiavone
I thought that was Scott Hall?- Zbyszko
His beard is thicker than hers- Heenan: Fall Brawl ‘97
I’LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY AND YOU’RE… YOU’RE LITTLE… LITTLE… LINE?
I’m still taking suggestions on these. More wrestling quotes at the moment, but whatever you feel like sending my way. Just do your best in making them word perfect.
In honor (memoriam) of the recent cancellation of “Angel”, how about we load this section with some killer quotes from both “Angel” and “Buffy”.
Can I help you?
I need a curse. Something like a boil on his face. Or maybe leprosy Yeah like a part of him falls off.
We don't carry leprosy- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You can't turn your back on the Council.
They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.
This is mutiny.
I like to think of it as graduation- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What were you parents like?
My parents were great. Tasted a lot like chicken- Angel
Hey, I'll have you know I’m a…
What? A glorified brick layer?
And a pretty good bowler too. He has his own shoes
The gods themselves do tremble- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Ah you give me a warm feeling inside. No wait that’s me wetting myself cause you wouldn’t let me pee- Angel
This was just sex. Don’t think about me when I’m gone"
I wasn’t thinking about you during- Angel
I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Not the best set of quotes there are, but I make do with what I’m sent.
Now let’s cancel “Tru Calling” and get a Faith & Spike spin-off going… and let a HUGE network pick it up.
Okay, if lots and lots of e-mails from people flaming my ass isn’t your cup of tea, then you can go away now… because this is the big wrap-up:
I GET SERVED
Last week I gave you all free shots at me. I said: Let me have it. And well..
I haven’t scene so many e-mails in one day since I was at Scoops… it was MASSIVE.
The problem is… most of you just forgave me for this. You offered absolvment. Basically, you said, “eh, we’ll let this slide… just don’t do it again.” Some of you were really, really cool about it. It reminded me that I set out a few years ago to talk TO you, not AT you in my columns. It also reminded me that I’m still doing just that, even if it is only by habit.
It reminded me that long ago I set myself up as the one guy you DO want to be drinking with into the wee hours… that’s never changed. (plus, you fags might get lucky… *slurp)
Okay, I can see people wanting to drink with Flea (and he’ll pick up the tab! Hyuck) and there is no way Eric S wouldn’t be fascinating to slug whiskey and bullshit with… but still, when it gets right down to it, once in a lifetime shot… who’s ass do you want to be parked next to you when the booze starts pouring? Wade Keller? Scott Keith? Hell no.
So… thanks. I forgot about you readers for a few minutes… and I’ll forget about you again the second I post this… but right here, right now, thanks.
So, it was a huge week for my in-box… lots of love in there… which is great for me spiritually but sort of sucks WHEN I’M TRYING TO PUT AN INTERESTING COLUMN TOGETHER!!!!!!
Anyway… here’s a whole bunch of stuff that came in from this… I had a lot of varied e-mails in here but it came in at over 20 pages! So, with space (and your patience) being a consideration, I had to cut out a lot… but I swear, I read them all and enjoyed them all for what they were.
And, because some of you couldn’t resist, a few interesting names popped up on AIM that you might like to hear from…
And finally, at the bottom of this mess, “Tammy” his/herself is given HIS take on how I handled this:
Good way to PUT YOURSELF OVER by SELLING the turmoil and strife. Hope you wrote that wearing a dress.
hackjimduggan: HI CHRIS IT’S HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN!! HOOOOOOOO
hackjimduggan: I REALLY LIKE YOUR MIDNIGHT NEWS!! HOOOO
Hyatte1com: Hi Hacksaw.
hackjimduggan: HA!! I’M NOT JIM DUGGAN!!! THIS IS JOSH GRUT!!!! YOU ARE SO STUPID, HYATTE!!!! YOU FELL FOR IT AGAIN!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAA
Hyatte1com: Oh good lord.
OH HA HA HA!
He didn't just fool you. He fooled us all. Screw it. That was taking up too much of your column anyway.
Besides, I'd like to write for your column. My turnons are long walks through the woods and ass-beads.
Love, Jeff Hardy
to the esteemed Cuntface. How dare you sully the good name of the internet by falling for a dude pretending to be a woman? Fuck You
Hyatte, DUDE, you suck the long hard one for this Tammy debacle. As that fag Scotsman would say... You got OWNED!
Dear asshole, I haven’t read your bullshit for years, but after this whole Tammy thing went down, I had to see how you would try to worm out of this like the scumbag loser that you are. Since you asked, I thought I’d point out just what a fucking moron you really are…
You have got to be the dumbest motherfucker on the face of the planet. I can't believe you fell for that shit you should have known that the future answer to a jeopardy question ("The answer is 'The manager of the wrestler Barry Horowitz Defeated for his only WWF win in the 1990s' " "Who is Tammy Lynn Sytch?") wouldn't spend time talking to an IWC when she could be crushing up oxycontin and snorting lines with Jack Osbourne in any of the finer fleabag motels on the eastern seaboard.
I can't believe you let some hick from Bumblefuck Tenn. pull a Vince McMahon" higher power" on you!
P.S. I fell for it too! HARD! FUCK ME!
Chris from Crayola City
as far as i'm concerned she was real. haha keep up the good work.
Pecktacular: what if I told you I was the REAL Sapphire
Hyatte1com: WANNA BE IN MY COLUMN???
Pecktacular: nah, it's cool
Hyatte1com: oh dammit
Pecktacular: i've been dead for 6 years
Hyatte1com: I know, that's what makes this even more exclusive
I guess your gonna start believing in Karma now.
OK. Here's the thing. I feel sorry for you. You've been completely had, and I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing. But, since you've put yourself in a situation where you have to listen to what I have to say... The reason SunTammy thought that you are an asshole is that your "news" reports are egomaniacal, self-serving, LOOOOOOOONG, tedious pieces of crap. When I first started reading 411, I read all of the news, all of the columns...everything. Then I started realizing which articles were a complete waste of my time. Yours was one of the first I stopped reading. Why? Quite frankly, you IWC people seem to think that we, the readers, understand and care about the various rivalries, quibbles and name calling amongst you, the writers. THESE THINGS DON'T CONCERN ME!!!! Let me put it to you like this, I read the local paper about as much as I read this site. And with the exception of George Will, I have no idea who writes what I'm reading. And I don't care. I read it for the news, that's all. Likewise, I read 411 for the wrestling, not so you people can shoot your loads all over me. So, after getting tired of sifting through your crap to see if you actually talked about wrestling, I just stopped reading you all together. Then, I saw that you got "Tammy Sytch", so I started reading again. Sifting through your crap wasn't as bad, because I knew "Tammy" would give me some quality wrestling analysis and insight. Now that she's gone, I'm probably going to stop caring about your column. Now let me give you an example of one of your news recappers who is my favorite for several reasons. The "Little Things" guy. (Notice I don't know and don't care to look up his name) He doesn't talk about himself, and has a rare, positive outlook on wrestling. I hope this experience isn't lost on you and that you learn something from it. You probably won't, though. And, it will be business as normal in a few weeks. Anyway, feel free to write me back, if you have anything to say in response. I really would like to here from you, since you have ignored me in the past and it would be nice to know that you at least took the time to read this. And if you posted this, that would be great, too. But, I'm not holding my breath. One last thing. Your humble apology made me think that maybe you're not the asshole I thought you were. Hit me back. Later.
Nick "Ishbu" Perez
goldyloxxTNA: hey sweetie ;-) this is goldylocks from tna wreslign
Hyatte1com: well hello there
goldyloxxTNA: aren't you the guy who wrote Monday Night Sweeps back in the day on Scoopswrestling
goldyloxxTNA: i can't believe what sunny did, what a hussy
goldyloxxTNA: I am the real deal however
goldyloxxTNA: would you like me to speak to you in spanish
goldyloxxTNA: "christopher" ooh ooh!
goldyloxxTNA: oh I mean "chreeeeeees tow furrrrrrrr"
Hyatte1com: hee hee... wiseass
goldyloxxTNA: dios mio now I'm getting wet
goldyloxxTNA: i went down on kevin nash you know
Hyatte1com: no I didn't
goldyloxxTNA: if I went down on you then you and kev would be blowjob siblings
goldyloxxTNA: so hows about it
Hyatte1com: bring it over, baggy eyes
goldyloxxTNA: that's the spirit sweetie:-*;-) lollololololol
goldyloxxTNA: laughing out loud out loud out loud
goldyloxxTNA: ha ha *spit* ha ha
goldyloxxTNA: well g2g nice talking to ya
goldyloxxTNA: IM me if you want me to write a column
Hyatte1com: no problem... see you later, dude
I've read your shit for the longest time now, quietly, never commenting on anything you've written (except for this one time when I called you a fag, but that was just for the hell of it). Your head was so far up your ass, it wouldn't matter what I wrote anyway... with your generic relationship advice that any 3rd grader should be able to see through, the painfully unfunny and un-thought-provoking "Taking of Triple H," and your whole attitude of "I have a big ego and I'm cool because I admit it, I talk all this sexist talk about 'banging girls' because I don't deny my inherent MANHOOD BABY, but deep down I'm really humble and sensitive to the needs of women, and OH YEAH I'M COOL, REALLY, I REALLY AM COOL."
But I thought, hey, at least he has a fairly credible wrestling personality to write for him. Even if it's clear she obviously has no life whatsoever to be fantasy booking Sunday Night Heat for this lame bastard, she's still fuckin SUNNY. And for some reason she actually bought your bullshit enough to confide in you.
Heh... but this was just too good. Losing the one last ounce of credibility you had left. I don't even see why you'd bother showing your face ever again on this website. Oh wait, yes I do... you have to let everyone know that REALLY YOU'RE STILL A COOL GUY, REALLY YOU ARE. You're still ONE STEP AHEAD !!!!!111 of everyone and you're going to let them know that you're already prepared for their flaming of you. You're HYATTE, by gawd. As if realizing that you're a fag makes you any less of a fag.
Have you ever had cybersex with a girl? Do you know for certain that it was really a girl? You know all that relationship advice you give that makes you seem so much more important than you really are? Can you be certain that the people writing you were legitimate people with real problems? I've thought about writing you with a question before, just to watch you make an ass out of yourself. I might even do it one day, under a different email address; you'll never know it was me. Hell, maybe all your readership is just a bunch of people living in their parents' basements, writing you just because it's so much fun to fuck with you.
Hello fag, this is the other Chris, and this is the Hyatte is a Fag News. You don't even deserve to get your new asshole buttfucked. Goodnight, loser.
You want it?
Well you ain't gonna get it.
Look I'm not a Hyatte butt-sniffer, but I don't hate you eiither. I'm meh, with a capital me. I read Scacia for the news if thats any indicator, but drift over to your boys when Rick has one of his "content? screw you if I'm gonna give you any content" days. That said I really liked the idea of Tammy Sytch writing on t'Internet, if only because she used to be hot. But also her's was/is a unique perspective in the world of internet wrestling writing. Then we discover its a hoax. Fine, if anything it makes it a whole lot funnier and more interesting.
But, hang on a minute. Why am I writing? Because of you Hyatte (by the way you should definately start using the Missy gimmick), I'm dissapointed. What happened to the bastard asshole of old? Apologising? You? Where's the vicious piss-ripping? The unneccessary deprecation of other people's personal integrity and character? The blatant point scoring, childish name-calling and other assorted school yard insultery? You always used to annoy me and I thought you were up yourself (lifestyle advice, I mean come on...) but at least you were bad-ass. Now, well whats left?
I don't care that you got suckered. I am slightly amused. But as far as I'm concerned you've gone soft. Unlucky. Hang up the tights. You're dead in the water son.
This is Whoeveryouwantittobe
Listen up cumface
I really do not want to do this, because that whole Tammy situation was the best laugh I’ve had in MONTHS–outside of Wrestlecrap. But, since you did fuck up–as usual–because you are such a fuckup that even the Shockmaster would say, “goddamn, this guy is a fuck up!”
You gave that guy so many verbal blowjobs, that I knew you wanted to suck him all along and eat his cum like you haven’t ate anything in days. And your email addy–COX.net–supports my argument. Now you can email your boyfriend and arrange a meeting so he can fuck you in every hole, and make you beg for more. Now, you can profess your love for this dude in KY. Now he will tie a dog collar around your neck and lead you around everywhere. You will tell everyone that you are hungry for his cum, and on weekends, he will get all his friends to gangfuck you–and videotape it–and show it to
your family at xmas.
By the way, in your article, you said, “bare with me.” Actually it should be, “bear with me.” Fuck, where did you get your writing skills? Out of a crackerjack box? Were you one of those special ed students that the teachers passed every year, even though you obvioulsy have no writing talent at all? What the fuck is wrong with you?? I know you are whacking off to this letter right now.
That was hilarious! No not the shit with "Tammy", the way you keep going on about how guys like you on "b-sites" have such a bigger audience than the "a-sites" do. Feeling a little inferior lately? Did you finally realize that having no life and living in mommy's basement so you could write a 25 page wrestling column every week wasn't the great idea it seemed like a few years ago?
The best part is the way you're lashing out at people like Bruce Mitchell. So lemme get this straight, Dave Scherer says his site is ultra popular to cover up for less visitors? And you start bashing all the "a-sites" on the internet because....... hmmmmm...... to cover up for something? So that maybe people won't notice how meaningless you've become? Naw, it couldn't be.
Dave Meltzer calls Mitchell the best wrestling columnist ever. You couldn't get your name mentioned by Meltzer or any other "a-site" if you sent in a house show recap.
ps, when Mitchell said Cornette was doing the "same shit", didn't he probably mean that Cornette would still talk about how he "swore an oath" to "get him" all these years later? But oohhhhh you really nailed Bruce good, calling him a coward. It probably would have stung a little more if Bruce didn't call HIMSELF a coward in that exact posting that he made.
pps, I'm a huge loser. I have no life whatsoever. I've never even gotten laid. So please don't mistake this email for a sign that anyone of importance still cares about you. My choices for the evening were to write this letter or chew on the big toenail I cut off last night. You won out, although I'm starting to regret it.
That is some classic stuff right there. You got owned by some dude pretending to be a washed-up chunky crackhead ex-diva . . . And then the real Tammy (probably), who apparently uses much less punctuation, confuses you with Missy to boot. . .
And admit it, there was cyber involved. ADMIT IT, HYATTE!
Oh, and bring back the Hyatte stuff. Fake Tammy was a much better columnist than you. Really.
Dear asshole, I haven’t read your bullshit for years, but after this whole Tammy thing went down, I had to see how you would try to worm out of this like the scumbag loser that you are. Since you asked, I thought I’d point out just what a fucking moron you really are...
Actually, you don't deserve ALL the backlash on this as you weren't the only
one to fall for it. If I may:
25. The Cubs Fan - thecubsfan.com
26. Tammy Lynn Sytch - The Midnight News
27. Rajah Kumar - rajahwwf.com
The DUDE beat out the spoiler guy and Josh Grutman.
The entire hoax is the funniest thing I've read in your column. Ever.
Congratulations of continuing to prove that you are washed up. The frustrating thing is that on occasion you write something well thought out and insightful, such as your little "Save your money" feature, but most of the time we are subjected to overblown wastes of time like "The Taking of HHH". I would rather read a ten page collumn full of interesting and entertaining material than a one-hundred page piece of raw ore where I am left to hope against hope that there's a diamond stuck in there somewhere. Your fake Tammy was just more ego inflating filler. I hope in the future you learn to do a little more research before you buy that a WWE diva wants to talk to you. You never know though, third time's a charm right? Until then, try a little harder. Hack.
Asshole. Letting yourself get played like that makes you no better than Scooter.
I have just peeled my "Hyatte Rules" bumbersticker off my 1979 Ford pickup. I wonder if Joshua Grutman has bumperstickers?
Damn boy, when I heard this shit I had to come back from my goddam game of
goddam pingpong with Mr Perfect and ask the goddam Undertaker to resurrect
me just to give you some goddam shit!
Dang, that was the biggest swerve since I convinced everybody that at age 34, and with no major ailments, that I was a healthy human being! Goddam boy, all Im saying is its lucky they didn't come any earlier and find me smoking the corpse of Miss Elizabeth, coz goddam she was still death-sweating soma outa her pores!
Goddang boy, YOU GOT SWERVED!! I'd personally come over, rip ya a new asshole just below ya gaping dick-receptacle, and cram my goddam scale sideways till I could fit ya goddam computer up there, never to be found - but I know you'd like that!
Anyways, don't fret too bad coz me,Ravishing Rick and The Real Ultimate Warrior are waiting on a fourth to make our badmington squad - hell, we'll even take the fake one with the flabby gut!
PS You may be wondering why I be talking like a redneck Mr T, well, fuck
you, that's why! Do some research ya goddam missleading, overtrusting,
sucker for celebrity, wannabe Timberlake-fucker!
Oh yeah, and your Devils' Advocate take on Spanky sucked ballz too! Thing you seem to overlooking boy, is that the same reason we enter the bizness is for the same reason we'd bail a "dream job" to work for less cash - it ain't about the money Missy! Its about performing in main events, and working a crowd- ya gotta ask ya'self the comparison - ie fuckas who don't mind being mid-card, ie Mark Henry doesn't have the option or desire to quit coz he gots no place else to go, coz he doesn't breathe the bizness! If Spanky wanted to hang out, barely work and collect a "massive"? paycheck he could
work a desk job....or become a internet reporter....
My last cryptic statement to you is:
The REAL Crash Muthafuckin Holly
Unlike a lot of the replies you will receive I undertstand how you feel. I too am very suprised by this, but I wont flame you for it. Maybe I'm too shocked to be angry right now. You took a stab in the dark and went for all or nothing. Instead I have a renewed and strengthened feeling of mistrust and loathing for the internet and it's many con artists and the day that I even slightly trust someone that I talk to on the net will be the day that Satan is seen skating to work.
I am not angry for your honest mistake. I am however stark raving hysterical at you for your 'rack' comment...........IT'S THE 'STOCKS' YOU MORON....THE STOCKS!!!!!!...WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT?????....WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING????!!!!! HOW STUPID MUST YOU BE TO EVEN THINK THAT!!??? AND YOU LED US ON.....YOU LED US ON ALL THE WAY...WE BELIVED YOU.....WE BOUGHT IT!......HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!!!!! HOW COULD YOU!!! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF LONG SERVICE TO YOU AND YOUR COLUMN!!! WHY DIDNT YOU CHECK.....OH WHY. YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US! HOW! WHY! WHEN! WHICH! WHO!!!?????????
ps: dont beat yourself up on the Tammy issue, it really was a mistake and thats all, just be more careful next time. Unlike what you did about that 'rack' comment....ooooooh now dont get me going on that buddy boy!
I don't read your column. And after this, I'm hoping you don't even have a column on 411 taking up the space of people who actually take their writing seriously.
What happened with you and the Tammy Sytch impersonator is one more example of why most journalism on the internet isn't taken seriously. Rather than do your research (I'm sorry, but chatting with someone online a few times and deciding "well her spelling and grammar are bad, but it SOUNDS like it might be her" doesn't count) you made an assumption, and ultimately you - and 411mania - end up looking like asses because of it.
You could have asked to speak on the phone. You could have contacted any of the indy federations where Sytch has recently worked and inquired about her current situation. You could have contacted her agent (if she even has one). Or you could have played it safe and without any actual proof decided not to spend your time or column space on this person. Instead you got caught up in the idea of having a "scoop," and now you're hoping that by beating everyone to the punch in making fun of yourself and your situation that it'll all go away after a few weeks. It shouldn't.
I think the only respectable thing you can do is resign. Thank 411mania.com for their time and patience, and then leave. Maybe go to school, take some journalism classes, and figure out exactly just where you went wrong. And then maybe someone will give you the opportunity to redeem yourself. But don't kid yourself or anyone else that you somehow deserve a column where you present only opinions, other peoples' news stories, and libelous comments in the guise of journalism.
In other words, grow up.
What you're talking about is the STOCKS, you dumb motherfucker, the STOCKS. Also the pillory. The rack is the thing where you stretch people.
If I'm gonna flame you, I might as well make it good. And profitable.
Well Hyatte, you fucked up good, asshole. RealJuggalos.com You fucking suck and got tricked. RealJuggalos.com. You failed your readers and you failed your site. RealJuggalos.com. You suck at life. RealJuggalos.com. End yourself now before you fall any lower. RealJuggalos.com. You column sucks balls and was so much better before. RealJuggalos.com. I say that even though I never read it during this "before" period that everyone talks about and regardless of the fact that I enjoy your columns. RealJuggalos.com. I also think it's cool that you're trying to get people to read more, that's fresh. RealJuggalos.com. Oh wait, I was flaming you. RealJuggalos.com. You suck balls and someone should shitfist you. RealJuggalos.com. Thank you, and good day sir. RealJuggalos.com.
You know, not including the last time you fell in love with a guy pretending to be a WWE Diva. Although I guess you fell harder for Sunny than for Trish. Nonetheless, seriously, this is getting to be sad, man.
You truly are a load that should have been swallowed.
Hey, we all make mistakes. I was dead set it was Tammy as well, and I got screwed over. Not that it matters, but still. We all get led on in our lives. Shit happens dude, shit happens.
I find it funny though that you got led on. It's very masterful if you think about it. He could have picked Missy Hyatt to do the dirty deed, but it was too predictable and she would have possibly found out earlier. He could have picked Trish Stratus, but again, too predictable. It was very fucking funny, I won't deny that.
But hey, I've fucked up many times. We all do. Shit happens man. You'll get over it.
In the meantime, make sure you screen your AIM names a little better.
Well sorry that you had to go the low route, and try to roast me a bit. Alls fair though, and you could have done worse. Lying to me when we were being "honest" wasn't very nice, but I didn't expect you to play fair.
I did enjoy the bogus crap you made up, like our first convo. Its all good because I too have copies of everything, only mine are legit. I won't spread them around, but I trust that your done with this situation and we'll both refrain from trying to make each other look bad.
I'm also sorry that you didn't post my last Bytch, or give me a shot at the 411 column. Not that it mattered to me much anyway, as I've been offered a few other jobs on other sites since I conned the great Hyatte.
Thanks for everything, even though you felt abused at the end, at least you went out of your way to make yourself look good. Hope it worked.
Just look out for yourself a little better in the future. The next person who tricks you won't be as gracious as me, and will ruin your online cred. I just laughed it all off as a Punk'D type prank, but if you enimies should ever get the chance they'll tear you apart. Afterall you are supposed to be tougher then this.
Yes… in all this, I truly forgot the TRUE victim in all this… The poor guy who pretended to be Tammy… what’s HE gonna do now?
Oh yeah, I made myself look REAL good here. Oh sure.
I also learned that the nice thing about being me is that I never needed a drop of credibility to get readers. You’ll get no NEWS here, just dumb gossip.
Hell, now is the PERFECT time for any and ALL big time wrestlers to drop by and say hello to me… I could post a picture of Triple H reading “The Taking of Triple H” on his computer and people would still not believe he’s heard of me. (give that a rest, people… you don’t think wrestlers google their tight little ASSES off whenever they get within 5 feet of a computer searching for any mention of their name?).
You know, you got all these guys running around screaming about how THEY have sources inside the WWE… last week alone, the 1wrestling crew actually named one of their sources after Jim Ross made a very off-hand remark about web sites reporting bullshit… that same very week, 1wrestling had some sort of “can-you-top-this” pissing contest with Dave Meltzer over some bit of silliness. Tammy was my very own “Willie the Worker”… I only was duped into taking it one step further.
Fuck it… these are the waters where I swim… there aren’t too many assholes online who can say they are 100% clean. They are all petty, arrogant, ego-maniacs… we all are. And if you think I’ve been HUMBLED in any way, shape, or form?? REALLY???
I MIGHT have been humbled… once… but Flea took pity on me and gave me a rough number of how many people read The Taking of Triple H… let’s just say I felt a lot better.
So, no… this didn’t humble me… fuck you.
Anyway… are we done with this? Good… because I’ve done 5 friggin’ columns in a goddam row here… FIVE WEEKS STRAIGHT! That’s… that’s unheard of with me!
So clearly, I needs to rectify this… I’m out next week. Nice week off… maybe two? Maybe THREE??? MAYBE ANOTHER HYATTUS!!! I DESERVE IT!!
Eh… just a week. I’ll be back in two….
Oh, and to end on a really faggy note (because this last e-mail section was all sorts of homo-ish)…
TRUE(LY GAY) CONFESSIONS
I’ve been listening to Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles a LOT lately... because her voice sounds exactly like a girl I used to know whenever I had her… completely relaxed… if you know what I mean.
There, one last admittance… BLOW ME!!
And, because it’s NEVER too late to start the hype:
Coming soon: And Another Thing: Independence on a Saturday Night
This is Hyatte