The Midnight News 04.26.04
Posted by Hyatte on 04.26.2004
Jeff Hardy, Old Timers, Porn, Advice, Movies, Hunter, Breaking In, and Free Food!
It’s all about the TYPOS…
Her name isn't Rebecca ROMAINE... she is not a form of lettuce... Although eating her might be fun
Forgot the name
Like it matters… please.
"Typos… you sheep… all of you…. To ready to settle for MEDIOCRITY…"
Don't you mean: "Typos… you sheep… all of you…. Too ready to settle for MEDIOCRITY…"
Come on, Hi-8. I'm not the Grammar Police, but you HAVE to get yours right in the same sentence that you bash someone...
Another name I forgot.
I believe you wrote this about Dave Meltzer:
"You’re DADDY can’t write.
Typos… you sheep… all of you…. To ready to settle for MEDIOCRITY…"
It's times like this where I struggle to find ways to freshen up the phrase "pot calling the kettle black". Keep up the good work daddio.
Yeah well, here’s the difference… you better sit down for this…
I am not CHARGING YOU for my typos… Meltzer, your DADDY, is.
Hey Nitpickers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. How are ya? Good? Like I care. Get a clue, mark boy.
How are we liking the new two column format, by the way? If you prefer it the other way around, let me know.
I’ve said enough… let’s get to it.
Ahh, summer must be approaching, I know this because 411 has welcomed back the great Flea, who yelled at me for two hours this past Friday to plug the crap out of his return column. In it, Flea explains the whole TNA/ROH situation, explains why everyone is an asshole for crying about the general suckiness of Smackdown, kisses Rick Scaia’s ass for no apparent reason (other than to piss me off), and also explains why the IWC 100 list is dead and gone (one guy did try to revive it… and completely fucked the whole concept up in every single way).
Flea is Flea… which means that he’ll probably get back into this web column stuff for a while, then he’ll wake up one morning, decide “Fuck this noise”, and bail for a few months, then wake up one morning and say, “Hell, the net needs me to set them straight” and start it all up again. He’s also one of the most ORIGINAL voices online and a damn fine writer! So whenever you see him posting something, read it and learn.
Oh, and 1ryderfakin is close to a relaunch. I know what he has planned for it… and it’s something that ALL OF YOU will be interested in… trust me… it’s huge.
HARDY HAR HAR
In a slow news week, the biggest thing to report is that JR has admitted to doing his gawd darned damndest to lure Jeff hardy back into the WWE fold as a featured Cruiserweight wrestler… he thinks that, if Jeff applies himself and lays off the cock, he can be the impact player the Cruiserweight division needs!! “I don’t know ‘bout you, but from where I sit, American audiences outside of those Taco eatin’ illegals in San Diego just don’t cotton to Speedy Gonzales Mysterio like they would to a true American purty boy like Jeff Hardy!” JR said on Byte This!
What’s stopping this deal from closing is that Hardy apparently still has not located his smile… but to his credit, he’s plowing through reams and reams of narcotics in his search… he SWEARS it’s buried somewhere in a pile of heroin and coke… and by God he won’t stop until he’s found it!
So, for those keeping score at home: The sent Hardy home for “health issues”, and now they want him back even though he really hasn’t seemed to have addressed his “health issues” (which is what you get if you read between the lines and speculate as ONLY a true insider who is not even on the same continent as the business can).
Meanwhile, Matt Hardy STILL wakes up every morning and says, “I haven’t gotten a push since The Twin Towers were still erect, yet god DAMN do I love this company”…
Who the FUCK wants to be in this business again? I just don’t get it.
CAULIFLOWERS AIN’T JUST FOR SALADS ANYMORE!!
In a MIDNIGHT NEWS EXCLUSIVE (someone immed me), we have this EXCLUSIVE report from the recent yearly gathering of the Cauliflower Alley Club!
What this is a a bunch of old school rasslers getting together to celebrate having a career in the business without ONCE having to blow Patterson… or make any real money.
The report is disjointed… and rather tepid. According to my source, ominously named JUSTIN! It was a rather boring, passive affair. Here are his observations:
-Dave Meltzer was there LIVE
-Dave Meltzer speaks like a Muppet.
-Brian Alvarez was there LIVE too
-Brian Alvarez spent the evening convince someone was following him (I’m not even kidding…this is what my source says)
-Both Meltzer AND Alvarez appear to stand about five feet six inches… (HA!! Midget fags!)
-Bruce Hart gave what people call the “typical Bruce Hart speech”, which, essentially, is a 45 minute rant about how “If Stu was alive he would NEVER stand for the crap that passes for wrestling these days!”
-Paul Jones, drunk out of his gourd, gave a speech where he called Vince McMahon a “cunt” for no apparent reason… and received a standing ovation for it.
-Bobby Heenan was the MC… no one could understand what he was saying but assumed he was hilarious.
-As usual, everyone in the Hall agreed that Vince McMahon is Satan Incarnate.
-George “The Animal” Steele’s speech was noteworthy for not taking a single shot at the WWE. Everyone agreed that George must be up for a Hall of Fame induction next year and didn’t want to pull a “Bruno”
-Verne Gagne was seen screaming at Nick Bockwinkle (for the 1000th time), “I can’t believe I picked you over Bollea!! I HAD THUNDERLIPS IN MY BACK POCKET AND I TOSSED HIM AWAY FOR YOU!!!”
-Chavo Guerrero Sr was seen being tossed out of hotel room dead ass drunk.
-Finally, a pair of young net fans stumbled upon the meeting and innocently asked Bob Orton Sr if he likes his son better “as a heel or a face”… they were promptly beaten within an inch of their lives for having DARED used a carny term in the presence of these legends. It took Doctors 25 minutes to extract Mad Dog Vachon’s fake leg from his rectum.
Thanks to Justin for the in-depth report.
THE NAKED TRUTH
I like porn.
Hey, who doesn’t? AND, with the Government getting all McCarthy-esque about decency in society, porn can only get more popular.
9 billion dollar industry… run by Jews. God bless ‘em… no wonder they killed Christ… HE’D never stand for this kind of nonsense!
Anyway, the porn world ran into some trouble recently, you probably heard about it.
Darren James, male porn star, decided to go to Brazil to fuck a few monkeys. Well, wouldn’t ya know, he came back with the HIV virus! And made some movies too!
Well the porn industry TOOK A STAND and said, “No way, pal! No diseases allowed HERE!” and PROMPTLY booted him out of the business and SHUT DOWN any and all movie productions until they straighten… heh, until they made sure everyone was living clean and healthy. Only the most SANITIZED penises shall enter Tera Patrick’s asshole! (which is funny, considering her husband is Evan Seinfeld… lead singer of BioHazard, inked up biker dude from the show Oz)
So the porn industry was shut down until they could make sure all the semen was HIV free… when asked if they’ll check for herpes and gonorrhea, Industry producers said, “Yeah, and why don’t we stick a broom up our asses and sweep the place up while we’re at it??”
Many actresses, since they were getting checked out anyway, got quickie abortions while they were visiting the Doctors… see, these are smart, efficiency-minded ladies!
Anyway… rest assured, you horny bastards, porn will survive this nightmare and will come back with enough double penetrating scenes to make a Nun run for the nearest cucumber patch! But until then, please remember that these men and woman are simply good natured, God fearing people who happened to be gifted with large cocks, deep holes, and extreme low self-esteem… and the next time you see a close up of YOUR favorite porn actress gobbling up some crank… if you happen to catch a small sore on the side of her mouth… just assume it’s a relish stain from lunch and continue your self-pleasuring!
In OTHER porn news, it looks like legendary (ie: almost old bag status) porn superstar JANINE may have signed a new contract with Vivid Video to make a comeback… and this time, she’ll be doing GUYS… rumor has it it’s to get back at Rikki Rachtman…. who dumped her for a younger model. Most dumped girls would just steal the ex-boyfriend’s credit card and go nutso… but porn gals don’t think like the rest of us… God bless ‘em.
One more thing… my new favorite porn girl is Aurora Snow… who looks about 14 years old, does some of the NASTIEST skank ho work ever committed to film, and has a friggin gopher hole for a chooch… take a look at it… you can twist and ankle in that thing!
HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE
Now the in-box is starting to make some noise with the questions. I still would like a few more just to keep the cupboard filled.
The first two questions have the honor of being answered with NOT ONLY my ingenuity, but with a healthy dose of my real life experiences tossed in.
I play alot of online roleplaying games, and have been for something like 8-10 years (I am 33 now). I never try to pick up women on these games, but needless to say about once a year I ended up taking a long weekend and going out to meet some gal and end up banging her, then usally within 3-6 months losing all contact with the person (game goes down, they stop playing or I stop playing the game). I stopped playing MUSHes (text based RPGs, White Wolf games being my fav) 2-3 years ago, probally after my /best/ encounter with a gal. I just didn't have the passion to do that anymore... to meet someone and lose them.
So a year ago, a online game based off of Star Wars, called Star Wars Galaxies (SWG) comes out. Since I never played Evercrack but I am pretty experienced with online games I treat all the players as I would treat any guy, even if it is a woman character. One of these players I have been playing with for a good 6-8 months and I have gotten along great. Starts out innocently enough... you figure out what time you both will be on and pow... your EST? I am CST, then States, then nationality, likes and dis-likes, how are you doing, how was your day. You just get comfortable with someone I guess and get info over time, intentionally or not.
Well, it got to the point that she sent me her picture, and I was blown away. This gal is what /I/ consider H-O-T. She is only 4 years younger than I am and that is cool to have someone my age on a game like that. It hasn't gotten to the point of exchanging phone numbers, but I can say that I could probally get it if I want. She has even offered to ship/mail me some books, so addresses are allready a given, along with full names. All I have to do is tell her mine. The deal is that I feel intimidated by her looks, I now feel uncomfortable dealing with her online because I am afraid that something will happen where I will meet her for a weekend and never 'see' her again. It also kills me that I meet women online across the country but have a hard time wanting to go to the bars to meet women and then to try to explain to them that I like to play games and role play and crap... and I am a wrestling fan on top of that. God...
Well, you want to give advice. Should I say 'fuck it' and see how it plays out or nip it in the bud and play it safe and think about 'what if'?
I have the answer, easy as pie too.
Put a picture of yourself online and let her see you before you move ahead with the next logical step. If she likes what she sees, you’re in. If she doesn’t, ah well, you already think you are out of her league, (yet are you TRULY convinced? I think not) so other than a minor blow to your ego, you won’t get hurt too much. Trust me, if the girl has anything even CLOSELY resembling a heart, she’ll let you down nice and easy. They only puke on your shoes when you proposition them live and in color. Let her see the cow before you offer to pump some milk down her throat. It’ll save you a buttload of heartache and wondering.
Now, of course, this is me at my most hypocritical. See, it would seem that out of just about every web guy and dirt sheet writer out there, my column (and by default my very personality) attracts a large female following (large by Net standards, naturally). Not LARGE as in fat (although it wouldn’t surprise me, but large as in many. Ladies Love the Cool Hy. I’m alpha male. I’m charming. I’m fucking Hyatte.
And yet, the only person who has an idea of what I look like is Flea… and the pic he has is about 14 years old.
So, here I am suggesting to you to pop a nice pic of yourself online and use it to sell yourself to the hotties where I am in sort of a similar boat and refuse to do the very same.
I’m gonna have to do something about that, I guess. I mean, I’m no stud… but I for DAMN sure look better than Scooter Keith. And I’m JACKED… Meltzer jacked!
Yet, I sort of LOVE this shroud of secrecy I’ve been working for the last seven years. And Alpha Male Fucking Hyatte tends to go away once I leave the computer. I’m very unassuming in real life. Quiet, even. It’s one of the perks of knowing you’re going to be alone for your whole life, you don’t get desperate. You don’t feel like a loser for not going out and trying to hook up with anyone. It’s a very zen state of being!
But that’s how I live… and it’s a life that not everyone can handle. So I say get a pic of you on your desktop and mail it to any prospective honey you meet and like. That’s the best any of us can do in a situation like this.
The next question is simple and direct.
Hyatte, do you have any tips on getting over that one girl that you just cant seem to get over? And do you have a girl like this? Is it the one that lives in Florida now? Thanks for any advice you can give. Please dont post email address.
I DID have a girl like that, and yes, it was the one in Florida… but our last conversation pretty much ended things on a note that was neither nasty nor nice, It ended like how most relationships end when the two people still like each other: dry and with many questions unanswered. Doesn’t matter, I’m pretty much done with her.
There’s only one sure way to get over a girl, dude. Time and space. You’ve got to eliminate her from your life and keep her eliminated for as long as it takes for the old feelings to become older and older.
A person’s power over you is fueled by memories. If you keep the power well fed with fresh memories, you’ll never kill it. If you get her out of your life, then her power over you will draw from older memories and will keep drawing from them until the memories fade, they’ll never vanish but they will lose their effect. Then her power over you is gone and you are over her.
Time time time time. Time heals all wounds, but you have to stop picking at those scabs.
And why do you all ALWAYS demand that I NOT post e-mail addresses? When have I EVER posted a damn e-mail address in these advice segments??
Whats up Hyatte? i have a question. I am 24 and have been married for almost 3 years. I love my wife and love being married. We have a baby boy that is 3 months. I work early mornings (2 to 10) and my wife works 1-6 in the afternoon. I watch the baby during those hours. I find it hard not to be resentful of the baby. Maybe we had him too early, but I am miserable during the time when I am alone with him (for the most part). Now before we had him, we were planning on 2 kids. Now I don't want anymore kids. I have hinted to my wife but she is upset because she wants a girl and said that if we had had a girl first, I would want a boy (probably true). She really wants another kid in the near future. What do I do? Please don't just tell me to grow up, blah blah blah. thanks.
Why are you miserable with him? Is he too needy? Does he cry all the time? Are you pissed that the kid takes away from your vital beauty rest? Or are you jealous that your wife seems to like him more than she likes you?
I’m sorry, but GROW UP!!
Guess what, jack. You now have a new duty in life, that is to provide your SON with a healthy, loving, opportunity filled life! It is now your job to take care of him, nurture him, and train him for the world. Sorry all this whining and bawling and demanding to be fed is getting in the way of your fun, but that’s what you get for not pulling out and messing on her tits like the rest of us. ASorry the kid is such an inconvienence to you, but he can’t help it. He didn’t ask to be born.
The sad thing is the kid loves you. He thinks you’re God. He adores you. Go ahead and shit on him. He’ll pay you back by making your life even more miserable when he becomes a fucked up teenager.
The good news is that the kid is only 3 months old… which means you’re just getting used to him. This is just you looking at him and thinking, Christ, I’m still a kid myself. I still had a lot of partying to do.. Men can have post partum depression too. It’s just you looking at a future you didn’t expect and not sure if you like what you see. You’re going to have to trust me on this: You’ll LIKE a future with your boy. Children are fun, they’re cool. It’s in our nature to dig our own offspring.
And, by the time he hits 20, you’ll be in your early 40’s. It’ll be like having a best friend.
Look, just tell your wife that you plan on being with her for a long, long time, so there is no reason to keep dropping puppies one after the other. Let the both of you enjoy this one for a while. Make sure you are able to raise one kid before you give him a sibling to worry about. Make her wait a few years. What’s the rush.
And give yourself a ear with the kid before you decide you hate him. Stop being so resentful. If you feel the same way after a year, then leave a ton of money on the nightstand and leave. You’ll be a piece of shit, but at least you’ll be a piece of shit who isn’t making a child WHO HAS DONE NOTHING TO YOU miserable.
Okay? This new life you’re looking at isn’t that bad… just don’t be a fucking asshole about it and don’t take it out on the brat. That’s just being selfish.
I want more and more questions… you bastards… I’ll answer EVERYTHING and… and… and YOU WILL LEARN AT MY FEET!!
I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND
Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!:
1) Man on Fire: $23 million opening weekend. If I was a redneck hillbilly who shared a name with an insect that lives on the ass of canines, I’d make the horribly racist joke about how the star of the movie looks like he WAS on fire already and now he’s all burnt like a match. But I’m not… so I’ll just say that when I first heard of this movie, I thought Do I want to watch a movie about Denzel Washington banging white women and getting CRABS?? Oh hell YES, I do!!!
Don’t give me that look… get a scorching case of crabs and you WILL know what it’s like to be on fire, dammit!
2) 13 Going on 30: 22 million opening weekend. I’ll say this with pride AND with complete confidence… Jennifer Garner has a huge forehead. Cro-Magnon huge.
3) Kill Bill Volume 2: $10.4 million ($42.9 million total) Quentin Tarantino’s forehead isn’t exactly normal either… his whole head looks like a balloon attached to his neck!
4) The Punisher: $6.1 million ($23.9 million total). If this movie launches Kevin Nash as the biggest movie star in the world… I will make it my LIFE’S MISSION to rub it in ALL OF YOUR FACES for as long as I can!! I will do it for no r3eason other than I KNOW it’ll drive you up the fucking WALL!!
5) Home On The Range: $3.4 million ($42.4 million total). It’s been out for three weeks and STILL no 411 review… what the FUCK Jakob Ziegler… you’re reviewing everything else, what do you have against cartoons? Other than you’ll be a young college-age guy in a theater filled with children? Go nuts and wear an overcoat with nothing underneath! The hell, it’s be a funny review!
In other movie news: Actually, there isn’t anything much to talk about… the rest of the top ten is just leftover films dying out. In a few weeks, Spider-Man 2 will come out and the summer movie season will officially kick off… it’s all treading water until then.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.
Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Virgin, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably never WILL!!
Triple H Is Better Than You Because…
He’s edging towards 40 years old and still has the exact same hairline that he had 20 years ago.
THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU”… STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Now, for a future column, cut the following:
Triple H is better than me because…
Paste it on the title bar of an e-mail to me and in 25 words or less give me an answer.
Come on, it’ll feel good to do it!
ARE YOU TOUGH INTENSE ENOUGH??
Have you ever wanted to be a pro wrestler but had NO CLUE how to get into the business?
Have you ever watched Tough Enough and thought, “Gee, if only some low-rent indy fed would come up with a gimmick like this, only without the tv cameras, without the fully paid housing/training, and without Al Snow?
Have you ever wanted to experience the feeling of getting ripped off, like every other Indy wrestler ever?
If any and/or all of your answers to those questions were YES… then the following might be just for YOU:
Intense Wrestling Inc. Media Release
First there was Ed Sullivan who let Americans view the many hidden talents in all of us. Then there was Star Search and American Idol. Now Intense Wrestling Inc. is starting something completely new Wrestle Search. Intense Wrestling Inc. in Cincinnati, Ohio will be holding it’s very own Wrestle Search. A Search for up and coming Professional Wrestling stars of the future. If you are 18 years of age and older and have a professional wrestling background this Wrestle Search is for you. At every Intense Wrestling Inc. Show we will hold a competition for up and coming professional wrestlers. Our viewing audience will vote for their favorite Wrestler, which will give them a chance to come back to the next show to compete for a 1 Year contract with Intense Wrestling Inc.
Submit your VHS tapes to:
Intense Wrestling Inc.
3509 Warsaw Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio 45205
For Questions E-Mail firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com
Or Phone: 513-251-1905
Wrestle Search starts this Saturday April 24, 2004 at the Intense Arena, which is located at 3509 Warsaw Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio 45205.
Doors Open at 7:00 pm
Bell time is at 8:00 pm
Just $7.00 for Adults & $4.00 for kids 12 & under
Yes, the search began this PAST Saturday… so get cracking on that time machine you always wanted to build and GET TO THE INTENSE ARENA TWO DAYS AGO!!!!
This has been a public service message from Chris Hyatte! ALWAYS willing to help!
HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, UH, YOU, UMM…LINE!!!?
I can never have too many of these, and the well is always threatening to run dry.
1) Are you ready to order?
Coffee… Two coffees. It says "Breakfast Any Time", right?
I'll have "pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment".
I'll have the Blackbeard over easy.
I'll be back with the coffee.
(Waitress takes the menus and goes.)
I should've said Renaissance, right? It went over her head.
Baby, you did fine.
"Age of Enlightenment". Shit. Like some waitress in a Las Vegas coffee shop is going to get an obscure French philosophical reference. How demeaning. I may as well have just said "Let me jump your ignorant bones."...
... It's just, I thought "Renaissance" was too Excaliber, it's the wrong casino. She would've gotten it, though...
You did fine. Don't sweat her. We're meeting our honeys soon. You know Christy's friend is going to be money.
I hope so. We gotta go soon.
Baby, relax. It's just down the hall. She's gotta change... we'll be fine.
We didn't do so bad after all.
Baby, we're money.
(Mike tries to catch the attention of their waitress, who is passing with a huge platter)
Excuse me. We're in a bit of a hurry.
Hang on, Voltaire.- Swingers
2) Why do you want to have a child with me? You can't stand me.
That's not true. Why don't I make you some of this new Mococoa Drink? All natural. Cocoa beans from the upper slopes of Mount Nicaragua. No artificial sweeteners--
What the hell are you talking about?!
I've tasted other cocoas. This is the best.- The Truman Show
3) Virgins. I love 'em. No diseases, no loose as a goose pussy, no skank. No nothin. Just pure pleasure- Kids
4) For you the day I came into your village was the most important event in your life. For me it was Tuesday- Street Fighter
5) Did you hear I graduated?
Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right!
You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
I know, they're called doctors.- Tommy Boy
6) God has a hard on for marines because we kill everything we see. He plays His games, we play ours. To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls. God was here before the marine corps, so you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the corps!- Full Metal Jacket
7) You're assuming I won't shoot your sorry ass, and everyone knows when you make an assumption you make and ass out of “you” and “umption".- The Long Kiss Goodnight
8) You leave Comley Trucking and every other fucking item on this planet that belongs to my Uncle Junior, including his hemorrhoid donut, the fuck alone.- The Sopranos
9) Reminds me of my Hitler dream. You know, Hitler calls up, he's alive... needs a lawyer. I say, "Sure, come on over." Then I have to decide: do I take the case, or do I kill him?
You? No question.
I would take the case.
THEN kill him.- Reversal of Fortune
10) Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?- Orange County
11) You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese. The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?- Chris Rock: Never Scared
Ohhh what? So this last one is hardly a movie OR a TV show… have you ever SEEN the movies Chris Rock does? Trust me, I’m sparing ALL OF YOU a lot of suffereing by using this instead of something from Head of State
Plus, his riff on the Jackson family was hilarious…. “Is it just me or is Randy Jackson the greasiest ni**a in the world?”
Anyway, before we wrap it up and call it a column, how’z about we end things on a FUN little note… a semi-regular feature around here that EVERYONE likes…
I'D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
Texas... F-around in Texas and you will pay.
But they'll be sure to FEED you before!
I did this before, and no one complained... so I'm doing it again!! Hey, I like it.
But to shake things up, we’ll leave the Lone Star state and look at what inmates ordered from OTHER places! Including a GIRL!! Yeah, THAT girl… the famous one.
Prisoner #778682... Ernest Carter killed 12/17/02 (Oklahoma): a deep-dish supreme pizza, 7-Up and one slice of cherry cheesecake (Ugh… Deep dish… I hope they gave him a SPOON to go with that soup on a crust. Deep dish pizza, possibly the biggest bungle in Chicago history since they let the Irish and Poles take over)
Prisoner #976... Alton Coleman killed 04/26/02 (Ohio): Coleman requested a final dinner of filet mignon, sauteed mushrooms, sweet potato pie with whipped cream, butter pecan ice cream, biscuits with brown gravy, broccoli with cheese, french fries, cherry coke, a green lettuce salad with French dressing, collard greens, onion rings, fried chicken breast and corn bread. Except he got fucked over one last time and only got
a New York strip steak. All the food came from the prison kitchen, except the ice cream.
(It was largest final dinner of any Ohio condemned inmate to date… and hell, if it’s free and you’re about to, you know, DIE… then Jesus, GO FOR IT!!)
Prisoner #455 ... Robert A Buell killed 09/25/02 (Ohio): A single olive, swallowed whole, with pit. (Brother’s theory was that if he swallowed the Olive, an Olive tree would sprout from his grave, thus promoting peace. Someone checked and to date, no tree is growing from his gravesite. Ya’ know… even if this guy was innocent, the world’s better off with him in the ground.)
Prisoner #833478... Aileen Wuornos killed 10/09/02 (Florida): One cup of coffee (This is that chick who lived only for Charlize Theron to win her Oscar… ironically, Miss Theron’s usual diet is one cup of coffee a day too! And lots of cocaine!
Prisoner #546... Anthony Johnson killed 12/12/02 (Alabama): A sandwich from the Holman State Prison Vending Machine. (You know, some of those sandwiches are damned tasty!! He could’ve done a lot worse!)
Prisoner #657... Harold Loyd McElmurry killed 07/29/03 (Oklahoma): Canadian bacon pizza, a pint of chicken livers, cottage cheese and one raw white onion. (Harold was so stupid, when he saw ham on the pizza he started shouting, I ASKED FOR CANADIAN BACON, YOU FASCIST THUGS!!.
Prisoner #890... Carl Isaacs killed 05/06/03 (Georgia): pork and macaroni, pinto beans, sauteed cabbage, carrot salad, dinner roll, chocolate cake and fruit punch. But, he refused it. (HA!! That’s show the screws!!)
Gee, so that’s what happened to my former web boss? What the hell was he doing in Georgia anyway? He lived in New York.
DID MY DEFECTING FROM SCOOPS DRIVE HIM TO A LIFE OF CRIME??? OH, DAMMIT AL!! WHY, AL WHY?? AND WHERE WAS REMY “THE SLAMMER” ARTIEGA TO SAVE YOU? WHERE WAS FREAKBOY??? WHERE WAS RICH IN KC??? (other than being in KC, of course)
Dammit Al, you shouldn’t have edited me… you shouldn’t of made me leave… you’d be alive right now… alive and eating all the sautйed cabbage you could’ve handled!
I’m done now. I WILL be back on Thursday with Vince McMahon, a gay guy talking about Feinstein, reading material, AND things to do with Barbie that WILL sicken you… or turn you on… who knows?
Christ… poor Al… dammit… oh… oh wait… CARL, not Al was nailed in GA… whoops… my mistake.
Whew… felt guilty for a second there
This is Hyatte