The Midnight News 05.03.04 

Posted by Hyatte on 05.03.2004 

Poppa Orton, April & Koko 2, HHH, Movies, Who's That Fatty?, Lines, Advice, and Hardly Any News At All 

Dear Chriss Hyatte,

I'm going to get right to the piont. Your full of shit. Yout not talking to vince mc man, your either getting jerked around or your jerking us. I've been kissing your ass being supporting even after that last doush handed you your ass. Its annoying. Lets suppose this doush bag is indeed Vince mc man. He claims to be making you famous right? okay how? Has he mentioned you for one split second on his SHows? plugged your sight? i mean he could spend a total of five second to put up a quick plug for wrestling 411, be cause he said he'd make you famous, he isn't going to. He's fucking you, your idiot. If it really is fince stand up for yourself, if he's not gonna give you anythign tell the tool to go fuck himself. Its what Chriss hyatte would do. You always said a good wrestler takes his money and shuts up, renember your not getting dick. WAKe up.


a Fan.

Oh like I’d tell Vince to mention my name on-air! He might get pissed and stop contributing!! We can’t have THAT!!

I ain’t doing ANYTHING to jeopardize this!! I mean, having Tammy Sytch contribute was one thing (even if she did turn out to be a phony balony!)… THIS… this is something else

And who says I ain’t getting dick? I got some last night! His name was Paco!

DUDE, I like your column and have been reading it for about a month now. As you might have guessed by now I have no life. I can't tell if this is a question or a movie line so here it goes...Should I fake my orgasms? (airplane) Keep up the good work. Where did grutman go? 


Well, moaning very loud always did the trick for me

And Grutman is on almost-kinda-mightverywell be permanent hiatus… but he knows he’s always welcomed back.

Hello Fudge Packers! I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News… and there is like NO news to have fun with… so I did my best and came up with this mess… you may like it, you may not… probably not. 

Seriously, I have, like, two pieces of actual wrestling news and a whole lot of other fun junk… but you’ll LIKE the fun junk, I swear!! Somewhere in here I even threw a shot at Scott Keith for no reason!! So now you HAVE to read it all!


Well, before it got promptly buried (I already made the necessary bitch-out to Widro, who replied with the obligatory, “Oh quit whining, you Catholic baby!”) I did have a Thursday Mop-Up all nice a written. Do check it out, I’ve got Vince McMahon talking about Canadian fans, a new ass ripping of Wade Keller, wrestling quotes, a message post from a gay promter talking about Rob Black, a little Carnac rip-off, and racist jokes and LOTS OF THEM!! Fun stuff to make your mid-week slightly less depressing!!


Word has it that the WWE has been talking to none other than “Cowboy” Bob Orton about making a few appearances in RAW with his son, the “Legend Killer/Living Legand” Randy, but Bob isn’t sure what they would have him do.

Could it be… have Son tune up the old man?

Could it be… have the old man give son a pink cowboy hat and lecture him on “following tradition?

Could it be… hire Piper’s kid and have Bob show Randy how to be a second generational bitch?

Could it be… have Bob scream on TV for an hour about how Vince never gave him a huge push and now his son will take his revenge?

Could it be… have Bob look at his son and say, “I forgot which rat you came out of!”

Who knows… time will tell. (I’m opting for the last choice)


You know, when I hear rumors about people, I generally post them, because f-it, I don’t care… but I also make sure to let you know to take all of this with a grain of salt…

So when I get no less than FOUR separate e-mails from different people talking about April Hunter and her boyfriend, Slyk Wagner Brown… and they all say basically the same things… I take notice.

For those who’s wrestling begins with Raw and ends with Smackdown, April Hunter is a big, BIG, muscular red head with a gorgeous face and an almost-Chyna-Like body… she has a web site that demands membership in order to get to the pics and videos (many of them hard-core… not PORNO-core, but pretty racy). Basically, everyone I’ve let check out agreed with me that it’s a massive gip (even the Trish Stratus imposter I talk to didn’t have much good to say about it). She is semi-known as a Independent worker who isn’t all that bad and certainly has the look and skills for the pros.

Slyk Wagner Brown is her boyfriend, another pretty well known Indy wrestler… a big, mean-looking black dude with plenty of skill.

So why haven’t they ascended to something higher than the Indys? Well, from what I’ve heard, they are a pair of NIGHTMARES.

Rather than fashion all these notes I have into a giant, professional-like article, how about I just bullet point everything I have into reasonable, fun to read, non-linear newsbites? How about that? It’ll be FUN, and a lot easier on me!

-To start off with some GOOD news, two people complimented these two kids for being “attractive people in great shape. And they do some real nice flips.”

-Slyk has been known to bitch and complain that WWE workers are stealing his moves and spots

-He complains that racism is keeping him out of the WWE

-Slyk has a petition to sign on his website to get him into the WWE

-Neither April OR Slyk are known for their selling or work rate despite being the former HEAD TRAINERS AT A WRESTLING SCHOOL

-April allegedly cheated on Slyk with a recently released WWE worker when he was in Ohio (Hyatte’s note: Hmm… I wonder if this recently released WWE worker had a lot of body O’HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just a little unfounded speculation on my part)

-They are both generally considered to be idiots

-They are both generally considered to be the Independent version of Stephanie and HHH, without any name value or money

-April loves to bitch and bitch… She blames Lita for "taking my spot" in the WWE and would bitch and bitch and bitch about her all day long about it.

-April would yell about how nobody respects Wagner and we should treat him like he was Christ himself.

-Slyk once had a couple of matches with a really green 19 year old rookie and by accident, the rookie stiffed Slyk pretty bad. Slyk took it like a bitch and got really pissy at school the next day and took it out on one of the other students

-Slyk was working dark matches at a WWE taping and made a fool of himself in the locker room where he was just stomping all over toes. It was so bad that Pat Patterson had to go to one of Slyk’s friends and tell him to get Wagner to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. (that pretty much ALWAYS ruins your shot in the WWE, when you have to pull Pat away from his pre-show tossed salad)

-Want April to work a show, you HAVE to hire Slyk too… no exceptions

-And vice-versa

-Seriously, Slyk is famous for having all this skill, but he acts like a giant baby… like 12 years old… think Shawn Michaels in the early to mid 90’s minus the credibility

-They are seen as a couple of jokes in the New England wrestling scene and they will never make in the WWE..

-Lately, Slyk has been FUMING over the success of Sheldon Benjamin, other than the Koko B. Ware hairstyle, Slyk is a carbon copy of Benjamin, right down to the bootlifts!

-When April and Slyk were backstage at a WWE show, April was seen getting autographs and having her picture taken wth WWE superstars… while that’s all well and good for a regular fan, it’s a DEFINITE NO NO when a Indy worker trying to rise up does it. It made her look to be a supermark just TRYING to pass herself off as a wrestler!

-last month at an Indy show in Tampa, a guy went up to April and asked for a picture and Slyk went nuts on him… scared him away. Way to make nice with the fans there, homie!

-Finally, April has a slightly higher than warranted opinion of herself… as the following statement on her website will attest: 

You're welcome to view all my galleries and videos, but please realize your membership fee does not mean you own anything on my site. Nothing on this site can be redistributed in any form without my consent. All i.p. addresses are logged and photos tracked and there will be legal procedures taken if theft occurs. Common sense would state that $21 does not entitle anyone to 5 years worth of website material. I do know that the majority of you are totally cool and appreciate you understanding. You'll see that I put a big chunk of your membership fee right back into my site to make more hot photos and videos for you to enjoy. Thank you!

Miss Hunter is OBSESSED with keeping ownership of her pics… as if the world is CLAMORING for her. Honey, pics of transsexuals are available ANYWHERE for FREE… why do we have to steal your pics when we have those at our fingertips? (not saying she is, was, or will ever be a MAN… but… damn, she’s a big bitch)

Trust me, she ain’t much.

Anyway, that’s all I have, and I realize that there was more on Slyk than April… but what can I do, other than accept more and more gossip and stories about them… so if you feel like busting they’re balls, send me a shout.

Oh, and some guy IM’ed me and commented on April weird shaped vagina! “Have you ever seen any pussy that strange before?” he asked.

Well, April’s vag is FAT… and it seems to be constantly on the verge of collapsing inside itself… but I’ve watched porn… I’ve seen clits that could flap in a good breeze… I’ve seen walls that look like open drapes… I’ve seen Raylene… I’ve seen Kaitlen Ashley… I’ve seen Aurora Snow… I’ve seen my Mother… compared to those, April is damn normal.

But she is a big bitch! I cannot stress this enough.


Rather than extend this another week or two, I might as well push the results forward now.

Last week, I challenged you to have a little fun and send in Triple H is better than me because… suggestion and… well…

Jesus people… if the BEST you could come up with was a Stephanie reference, then don’t OTHER, because a whole mess of other people did the same. Expand you minds… go find that inner-creative child and let him run LOOSE!!

Anyway, after I killed most of the lame ideas, I came up with these, a solid, amusing, and some very clever responses:

Triple H is better than me because…

-He's not the one sitting in front of a computer all day trying to find out what my co-workers and I are doing. (Dave Emerson)

-he gets to nail Stephanie McMahon, while she wears a white strap on dildo. (B. Reyes)

-because he's fooled the world into thinking that spitting water is COOL. (Nick Rusch)

-He knows what I want to see and has the stroke to make it happen. Just ask him, he will tell you. (BT)

-He follows the American Dream. He cuts corners and avoids hard work by taking steroids. He bangs the bosses daughter to keep his power. And he looks down on anyone not on his level. Did I say the American Dream? I meant the Republican Dream. My bad. (Kevin Finkelstein)

-Even if he did fuck Steph to the top, it required better looks than I have to get into her knickers. (Wonder if I'll be the only person to send one of these?) (Nik)

-He has a nose as big as cleveland and is banging a chick who will one day inherit a billion dollar company. (unnamed)

-The guy's name is HHH. HHH! How cool is that?! (unnamed)

-He's on TV every single week, usually multiple times, and I'm not. (unnamed)

-He gets singled out in a column by Ladies Love Cool Hy. (unnamed)

-He's just about the only wrestler still around from "Back in the day" (Flair aside) that can still pull off a decent match. And he DOES pull off decent matches. (Chad Smith)

-He has a 20GB iPod, mine only has 15GB. (Michael Joyeux)

-because he's banging Stephanie McMahon while I'm stuck porking Yoda's stunt double.


-he has a job in WWE, and I don't :( (Pete) 

-He gets paid to drink YJStingers. (unnamed)

-he's already gotten WAY closer to achieving his dreams than 99.9% of the general population WITHOUT counting "banging boss' daughter" on that list of dreams. (Cronk)

-He has given more blood through a self inflicted gash in his forehead trying to entertain you than you have given through a needle stuck in your flabby arm in order to save a few lives. (unnamed)

And finally…

While you spend all your time howling about how much he sucks, he wouldn't know you to kick your ass... (Flea)


And then there was this guy, who misread the gimmick and listed a couple of reasons why Triple H is better than ME, Hyatte, and NOT “me”, as in himself… 

Triple H is better than ME, (Hyatte) because…

-He's never wasted the time to pen the 10 page long "The Taking of Hyatte," where you get sodomized by a Canadian. (Alex)

Listen you… CREEP… I’ll have you know, the Taking of Triple H was 81 PAGES in length… and was personally responsible for Chris Benoit’s entire success in 2004!

And if you think THAT was obnoxious, wait ‘till I write And Another Thing: Independence on a Saturday Night… I might even have “Scooter” in it… heh.

Before I kill this bit, let’s take stock at what I’m trying to do here, and whether or not it’s necessary… according to the observations of this reader..

(As per your "Triple H is better than you because..." section) at this moment in time, you'd be preaching to the choir. The entire IWC is collectively on Triple H's nuts lately, and rightfully so. He's gotten a LOT more entertaining, he's wrestling like his 1999-self again, and he's putting people over, and as a result, is getting more heel heat than he has in years with the "You tapped out!" chants. He's finally doing everything right for once and it's making him more over with the crowd than ever.

Basically, only writing this to say that, in the past, writing the "Triple H is better than you" things were stupid because he was, at the time, a lazy unentertaining bitchhole. But now he's not, so if it was an oversight on your part to not include it this time, then by all means, as long as he's still entertaining, keep overlooking that part. 


Is he right? Does HHH NEED any more defending, or Devil’s Advocating?

Could it be time for The Undertaker is better than you?

Or… Lord forbid… Vince Russo is better than you???

Dear God… I just might HAVE to!


This isn’t exactly GOSSIP… nor is it MOVIE news… but it freaked me out so much that I wanted to make sure you all caught it…

Anyone remember the TV show “Cheers”? Of course you do, it as a good show.

Remember Kirstie Alley? “Look Who’s Talking” “Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan”, “Veronica’s Closet”… sort of a hot babe… scientologist, spunky… nothing any of you would toss out of bed for eating crackers… THAT hot babe?

Do NOT see this on a full stomach.

Oh dear God… if that doesn’t get you to lose weight, nothing will.

Jesus… looks like Kirstie Alley was making her way in the world today, and it took everything she got.

Looks like Kirstie needed a break from all her worries, something sure to help her a lot.

Looks like Kirstie just wanted to get away

She just wanted to go where everybody knew her name

And they were always glad she came

She wanted to go where people go, where troubles were all the same.

She wanted to go to where everybody knew her name…

Would you like fries with that Big Mac, Miss Alley?

Gah… a teenage fantasy handfuck…. RUINED

And I almost puked look at that pic of her with the burger in her mouth… funny, I can watch pretty much any sort of deviant behavior… but one burger in one fat girl’s mouth and… BLEEEEAGH


Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!: 

1) Mean Girls: $25 million opening weekend. Some people compared this movie to “Heathers” which was a HORRIBLE movie, by the way, the WORST… PISS POOR bad. I think it’s more like the Rose McGowan vehicle “Jawbreaker”, which wasn’t BAD, but it could have been a LOT better… just as Rose, who I KNOW is still staring in the mirror and saying: “I don’t get it, “Jawbreaker” was supposed to make me a huge movie star… I shouldn’t have to be doing this stupid ass tv show with that slut Alyssa! I just don’t fucking GET IT??

And if you are PERSONALLY offended by this movie being #1… worry not my friends, for next week, New York Minute debuts with Mary Kate and Ashley making their first big time in the theaters debut… and MK & A will DEFINITELY have a thing or two to say about which young girl film stays up top… oh, don’t you worry.

2) Man on Fire: 15.2 million opening weekend (44.4 million total). What kind of name is “Denzel” anyway? 

3) 13 Going On 30: $10 million ($35.1 million total) When Jennifer Garner looks focused or concentrates, a giant vein pops out on her massive forehead. I think she’s an alien from the planet Oozulo

4) The Laws of Attraction: $7 million opening weekend: If Roger Moore was in this movie, it would have been a gay love story, if sean Connery was in this movie, he would have slapped Julianne Moore around, if Timothy Dalton were in this movie, no producer would have paid to make the dame thing, if George Lazenby was in this movie, no one would care but 20 years from now people would be calling Lazenby the “most under-apprciated, under-rated romantic film lead in romantic film genre history”

Only 7 million? Methinks that, after it’s all said and done, Sean Connery will STILL be the one actor who can claim to have a successful career OUTSIDE of the Bond franchise.

It’s amazing that 411 has a review of this flick and not a review of a “man’s” movie like “Man on Fire”… sounds like SOME poor 411 reviewer got suckered into taking his girlfriend out to see something SHE wanted to see for a change… heh, wimp! 

5) Godsend: $6.9 million opening weekend: Bobby DeNiro hasn’t had a hit in years, Greg Kinnear lucked into one big hit (and I think he won an Oscar… or maybe a Golden Globe for it) and has managed to keep that rolling and Rebecca Romaine Stamos… well, the more loser movies she’s in, the better off we all will be! 

In other movie news: Envy tanked, which is good because Ben Stiller bombs more than hits… which means he rips us off more than delivers our money’s worth. And Kill Bill Volume II is sinking a lot faster than it should. It really is a strong flick!

Scott Keith is like the only moron who raved about The Punisher, which says a lot more about how seriously you should take his opinions than any joke I could possibly make at his tubby expense

And finally, Ben Affleck, apparently DESPERATE to reach out to the common folk, has hooked up with Ted Kennedy to campaign for a raise in Massachusetts minimum wage. I guess Affleck thinks that if dishwashers earn more money, they’ll use it to go see his bad movies! I also guess Affleck hasn’t learned that people are fucking sick and tired of seeing his name in the newspapers every goddam week. CAN’T HE GO AWAY FOR A YEAR AND LEAVE US ALONE???? 


I can never have too many of these, and the well is always threatening to run dry. 

Pay attention carefully, this time around, because somewhere in these picks there is NOT ONLY a ass kicking line from Gene THE FUCK Hackman… but also a bonus, non-movie line from 70’s GOD, 80’s car chase MASTER and all around arrogant bloatwad… Burt THE ALMOST FUCK Reynolds!!

The first one is, like, one of my favorite exchanges ever… and it’s funny when you see the title of the movie… funny and sad. 

1) You know what I want to do?


What do I want to do?

You want to fuck me. But you can't fuck me.


Because, you know why. You know.

Because you’re a virgin?

Because I'm a virgin and I don't want no baby.

You think I want a baby? When you're with me, you don't have to worry about that kinda stuff.

Why is that?

Because I like you. I think you're beautiful. I think if we fucked you would love it. You wouldn't even believe it.

I wouldn't believe it?

I don't know. I just think that you would love it.

But, I don't know. I'm just scared that things would change. Between us.

What things? I'm telling you, nothing's going to change. I want to make you happy. That's all. You know it won't hurt. I'll be gentle. I promise.

Do you care about me?

Of course I do.- Kids

2) I'll never make another movie just for a big paycheck- Eddie Murphy on Late Night with David Letterman in the 80s

3) You shouldn't smoke so much of that, girl. It'll rob you of your ambition!

Not if your ambition is to get high and watch TV!- Jackie Brown

4) Let me tell you something man, if you try that shit with us I will take your gun, stick it up your ass, and fire until it clicks.


Thats right man. No one fucks with the Jesus- The Big Lebowski

5) When I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the park, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.

They were doing a performance of Julius Caesar. You killed five actors. Good ones.- The Naked Gun

6) You think your average juror is King Solomon? No, he's a roofer with a mortgage. He wants to go home and sit in his Barcalounger and let the cable TV wash over him. And this man doesn't give a single, solitary droplet of shit about truth, justice or your American way.- Runaway Jury

7) What's the happy fuzzy thing under Cher?

Sonny Bono?- Burt Reynolds on The Hollywood Squares

8) I gave birth to a nine pound baby asshole! I think I can handle a gunshot.- Courage Under Fire

9) I'll join this conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching about people talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes, penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody Abba!

Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?- The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert

10) We can talk about the Penthouse letters at the dinner table

That stuff is made up

No it’s real

Oh of course, ‘cause there's an alarming number of people in this country having sex with amputees- Seinfeld

11) I don't want anyone discharging rounds down there

What are we suppose to use? Harsh language?- Aliens

12) So are you gonna give me some bread? 

If you want bread then go fuck a baker- To Live and Die in L.A.

13) I’LL hold the money!


He ain’t going nowhere, the bakery ain’t open yet!- White Men Can’t Jump

Ahh, I always wanted to end this section with a two punch bakery motif! Another check in the “To-Do” List… I’m one step closer to being able to die now!

One last thing before we head out. It’s extra long so I shoved it at the end, so those who want to skip it can…


I don’t like too much bold letterng in my columns, they seem too obnoxious,

So for now on, the QUESTIONS will be in normal text and my ANSWERS will be in bold. It just looks nicer.

There are three HUGE questions here, from people who were desperate enough for me to put a rush on them, and one little question at the end, from a wiseass.


Last fall i was living with my girlfriend of 4 years. Everything was roses until 23 year old Lisa started at my work. I do all the new hire training here at the firm, and this cute young lass one of my trainees. There was IMMEDIATE chemistry Chris. I've been with a LOT of women, and I really thought there was nothing left for me to feel that I hadn't felt before. Was I ever wrong.

Anyhow, I did everything I could do quell these feelings. I was in a realtionship and I don't cheat. Long story short, after trading emails back and forth and going to a few innocent lunches...I deduced that I had to follow up on all of these new, incredible feelings. We ended up spending the weekend together and fooling was the best night of my life. We were crazy about each other: I had to dump my girlfriend and move out.

As it turns out, this lass has serious trust issues. Her dad left her family at an early age, and every boyfriend she's ever had has cheated on her. She ended up packing up out of her Mom's place in Guelph (an hour away) and moved to the city so we could be close.

Best three months EVER. Saw her all the time, not once wondering what my friends were up to for the first time in my life. Fully and completely happy. She gets in a fight with her roomie, and has to move back to the sticks. So now I only see her at work, and one or two nights a week. I get all insecure, she does too. I think it's 'cause neither of us had felt this way, but she has a real tough time letting things go...couldn't help but think it has to do with her being cheated on.

She comes by my desk one day and sees and email from an old flame. I hadn't even spoken to this girl in ages, but of course it's seen by the love of my life. She thinks I'm lying to her, and that there's other girls. After all, I cheated on my girlfriend to be with her, and I lied to her since day one. So much for forgiving and forgetting....

It's been hard the past two months with her back in Guelph. I know we can't see each other the way we used to, but I don't ever want her to think that she isn't making me happy. Plainly stated, I think she's the one. She's young, a little nervous of getting hurt, but genuinely sweet and ( I think) worth rolling the dice on.

Anyhow, she can't stop thinking about those issues, and she seemed to be pulling back. I overreacted and did the "i want it all or nothing" line...and she decided that she didn't want to see me for a while. She wants me in her life, but she can't promise me anything. After all we've been through and felt? I lost it...and told her to fuck off.

8 days go by. Worst ever. She wasn't showing up for work half the time, neither was I. Finally she calls, all small talk, but she called!!! I'm taking that as something to run with, so we've been talking every few days for about a week now. It's been me doing the calling, but it's something.

Chris, I have to wait for this girl, don't I? I've never felt like this, I don't even LOOK at other girls anymore, and I can't picture my life without her. I thought that I'd be able to sweep this under the rug and move on, but it isn't happening. Truth is, I don't want it to. I trust her to stay loyal to me even if we're not "boyfriend/girlfriend", and if anything ever happened that I needed to know, I think she'd tell me. I just wanna be with her. Just because it can't be exactly the way I want it to be right now doesn't mean I should bail, should I? 

Should I tough it out or cut my losses?

Sorry for the novel. Get back to me.

Bitter Lee Brody

Why don’t you let her move in with you? That way you can see her all day at work and all day at home! Wouldn’t that be AWESOME??

I’m a bit torn here. On one hand I want to give you the ol’ “Dump and run” answer followed by the friendly reminder that there are other chicken in the henhouse. It’s my standard “run like hell and never look back” reply.

On the other hand, I’ve never seen such love for a girl written on the page as I do here. You are clearly taken with this girl, and you are convinced that you are meant to be together. I wonder if she thinks the same.

Dude… she’s young, she’s immature. She’s naturally paranoid and suspicious. It’ll take a while for her to outgrow that, if she ever does. Keep that in mind.

You are obviously in love with her, and a Canadian. So you know what, I’d wait her out. Wait for her, see no one, let your mighty shaft touch no fur except for hers, and let her see that you have nothing and no one on your mind other than her. She can’t very well catch you heating if you’re not cheating to begin with, so gain her trust the old fashioned way: with time and honesty.

If she’s really your “One”, then she’ll come back and you’ll have a great life together, and since you’ll be the one asshole she can trust, she’ll love you extra-hard.

And if she isn’t the real One and it doesn’t work out… all it cost you was celibacy for a few months. 

Call me crazy, but it’s worth sitting quietly and patiently waiting for the right girl to come back to you.


Me and my Ex broke up 2 and a half years ago after seeing each other for about 2 years, in high school mostly. It was a messy breakup (I moved away, she moved in with me, then moved back) and I've never really gotten over it. I have been with girls since, but never had a girlfriend. She's been involved, but knows I don't really want to hear about it because I get jealous/upset. We live in different states, but not too far away and I visit fairly often. The last 6 months ago I gave serious thought to moving there to be with her, but through the course of my visits her and my best friend have taken a liking to each other. This happened in front of me a couple weekends ago and tore me up pretty bad. They want together, I think, even though they live in different states (1 reason out of 100 I don't like the idea) and both got out of bad relationships. She says that I didn't talk to her enough over the last year or so, and he did and they talk every day...she couldn't talk to me that personally because she was afraid of me being jealous. I also told my friend we were through if he went through with this, but I came to terms and said "Do whatever you want" because I felt I owe her. 

The current bad relationship I'm in is pretty much Webster's definition of one- I'm seeing my boss who is 15+ years older than me w/3 kids, but it is comfortable because she got out of a awful relationship with their father, and needs someone around, and likes to have someone there for her kids too...but not exactly the right situation for a 20 year old college student, not to mention the ramifications on work. One reason I don't want to end it is because I think she might be stupid/crazy/desperate enough to get back with her bastard ex-husband. 

Furthermore, on the weekend my ex and my best friend decided to hook up, my ex tried to pair me off with her roomate who I have to interest in and led to an awkward situation between two people with nothing to talk about laying in (the only available) bed together.

It is a fucked up situation, and I was wondering how I can accept the fact that she is not just with me, not just with someone else, but with my closest friend and how I'm supposed to act around them and how to keep from blowing up and losing them both.


Well first of all, your friend is an asshole of the highest order. Any piece of shit who would fuck his friends ex, practically IN FRONT OF YOU is an asshole…and why the fuck didn’t you bitch slap him for doing it in front of you anyway?

Second of all, why are you messing with a 35 year old girl with 3 kids? Is it because she’s your boss? You’re 20, you have no right or obligation to be lending to the development of three kids. And if she runs back to their father, so what? It’s NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY… she’s a grown-up who is old enough to make her own mistakes. If that includes running back to her ex, it’s not your problem. This isn’t “Catcher in the Rye” and you ain’t Holden Caufield, motherfucker!

Here’s what you do, cross state lines one more time and bone her roommate silly, and loudly, so everyone will hear, then never go back. Let her loser friend and this silly ex make themselves miserable forever. Move on. It’s over. You’re looking like an asshole now, not to mention a chump.

Dump the 35 year old. If she doesn’t understand what’s right for her children now, it’s not your concern.

Then, sit back, light up a cigar or a blunt, and thank the almighty CHRIST HIMSELF that you are still 20 and legally allowed to make dumb mistakes/errors in judgments like this… and be grateful that you are still young enough to go and make about a hundred more mistakes… it’s okay, so long as you learn from all of them.

There ya go.

Hello Glorydog. I am coming to the end of my rope here and I would greatly appreciate any advice you might have. I have been grossly obese for my entire life. Since almost the moment I became aware of this fact I have been working to change it. I have failed. As to why I have failed I honestly have no idea - nobody working this long, week in and week out, for YEARS could fail to accomplish such a simple goal, yet I have managed to do so.

It has come to a head. I have made a pact with myself: if, by my next birthday (roughly a year from now), I am not on the right track, my work will end. One way or another. The biggest thing that gets me is that I am missing out on "the fruits of youth" - most of the pleasures that come with being this age (early 20s) are denied to me because of this rotting shell. I want this. I know that more than anything else. Yet it seems I am divided. Most of the time I am dominated by the side of me that wants only immediate pleasure, I.E. food, good food and lots of it. The other, more desirable part of me desperately wants to lose the weight and inherit the glorious things that come with simply looking good. Or even looking average. Yet that side is not in control as much as it should be.

And I just cannot figure it out. Even as I have laid down the most desperate deadline for myself, I still cannot take control. I want this to end. If I am still this way at the deadline, there is no future for me anyway. A lifetime more of this, year after year, is not a life. Why can't I take what I really want? Why am I subservient to this sickenling behaviour?

Thank you,

Johnny Trapezoid

Dear Johnny, (and I love that name)

Have you talked to a Doctor? Maybe he can tell you why you don’t lose weight? Maybe he can point you in the right direction?

Or, try hypnotherapy. While you’re conscious mind knows about how fucked up you are, it’s floating down a river called your sub-conscious, it’s this river that’s taking your conscious mind to McDonalds, and the currents are too damn strong to fight. Hypnotism will alter the currents of your sub-conscious and take you to the salad bar.

If you are REALLY desperate, then go and have your stomach stapled. It’s a sure fire weight loss gimmick.

I can’t sit here and outline a diet plan for you, because the best that’ll happen is that you’ll do it for about a month, then revert back to your old habits. 

And you inferred that you’ll kill yourself in a year. Why bother? If you keep going the way you are, you have such fun illnesses as diabetes, heart disease, clogged arteries, kidney failure, and destroyed knees to look forward too. There are very few fat bastards who live to see their 50’s, my friend. Getting half-way past their 40’s is pushing it.

Eat three solid meals a day, the same menu each day for a week, walk at night (so no one will see you and laugh), and yell at yourself in the mirror for at least 5 minutes a day. Then go see a doctor and get hypnotized. Change your entire way of thinking.

Best I can do for you.

And finally…


Where do babies come from?

Do not post name / email please.

Your mom, she had them ALL, the huwaa

I want more and more questions… you bastards… I’ll answer EVERYTHING and… and… and YOU WILL LEARN AT MY FEET!!

Anyway, this Thursday, among other things, Reading Material, quotes, hot ass gossip, eels going into a place where no eel has any business going, no Vince, but I do have a very special WWE guest writer, and just what is the “Ass Milkshake”? Oh Lord, just you wait!

This is Hyatte