The Midnight News 06.07.04 

Posted by Hyatte on 06.07.2004 

Ratings, Bashing, Rasslin' Books, Scherer, Herpes, Advice, and What Happened to Less is More? 



Who're you, Batroc ze Leapair, now? 

Ian Gardner


I appreciated what you had to say. You're definitely right, and this week I registered for classes for this fall semester. Thanks a lot. You don't bullshit. That's cool. And I'll cut back on the pot.

That’s from Bob. I gave him advice in last week’s column. If you log off before reading the advice stuff, you’re missing out on some real interesting drama,and the opportunity to further goof on m arrogant, know-it-all ways! 

If you’re anything like me, then you are completely fascinated with that little cold-ass slice of frozen 50th state HELL that the inland calls ALASKA:

Hey Hyatte,

figured i would give you a few more bits of info on "dividend days" as i have 

lived in alaska all my life. the program itself is referred to as "the alaska permanent fund dividend" not to familiar with the process of how the dividend checks are calculated, just 

know that it involves a five year average, investment in the stock market, and oil prices. the dividend is at least $1300 a year, has been for some time now. the worse the stock market, the lower the check. the highest check ever was almost two grand-$1900(the same year that in fairbanks, where i attend college, we had six straight days of sixty below zero temperatures-the high temp did not go above sixty below) and yes, all one has to do is establish residency in alaska to recieve the check. often times,especially with military, people will establish residency, then leave, still collecting the check.

as for prices of gas, the average price here in alaska is about two dollars per gallon. the reason is simple-the government of alaska has always been funded on oil-our government wants to see high oil prices. however, we, like almost every other state, are facing budget cuts constantly. this is because extra earnings from oil, from higher prices, goes into what is called a "congressional budget reserve"; the legislature can tap this to prevent a budget shortage. however, as oil fluctuates, so to does the reserve. therefore, the legislature is now leaning to using the part of the dividend program that allows redidentds to recieve the annual check to support the government. as voters would have to aproove the measure, some have said that the best plan is a onetime chek to all qualifying residents from the fund, then using the fund in the following years to support the budget. the amount? anywhere from $20,000 to $25,000. However, this figure involves only a fraction of the earnings amount allocated to residents. if the full amount in the fund that is used to write the checks were to be used, the payout check would be around $45,000. the one problem? mass exodous. if th massive payout check happenned, i gurantee at least 15% of the state population would leave. not a problem for me, but a lot of people do have a problem with that. i, on the other hand, am all for 20 grand to help me get outta here. any questions or anything else you might want to know, just write back.

robert pendleton

I know this was a little tough to decipher but I hope you caught the part about 6 straight days of 60 BELOW ZERO TEMPERATURES!!!

Jesus Moses!!

Alaska… the one state that Canadians can laugh at.

I once knew a girl who lived in Alaska… a SAUCY red-head named “Mela”… you still around girl? You were a hottie!

I was browsing through older columns on 411mania recently. You had some pretty negative comments regarding Trish and her wrestling in this one you posted in early April. Can I ask you something?...Who gives a fuck what you think?

Sure Trish was brought into the WWE because of her looks, and is not a naturally gifted wrestler, but I for one admire her for wanting to compete in the ring, and actually care about working at developing wrestling skills, which she's done quite well. And the majority of good-quality women's matches the last few years have involved her. All of that speaks volumes to me, since a number of the other divas ARE strictly there to stand around and show off their bods.

In closing, of course Trish is hot (still the hottest in the WWE as far as I'm concerned), and I'd still say the same thing if she just had natural boobs without implants. A smaller rack would in no way diminish her beauty. Thank you very much...EVIL Trish is rockin! 


Someone has a little boy crush on TRIIIIIiiiiIIIIIISH!!!

And that someone is ME… so stay AWAY FROM HER, LOSER!! SHE’S MINE!! MINE, MINE, MINE!!

hey chris: Do me a favor and quit picking on Christians, ok or i will stop reading your column and have God (my father) destroy your harddrive. Thank you and God bless.


God doesn’t have to destroy my hardrive… I have enough worms and trojans buried in this fucking thing that’s doing the job quite nicely, thank you very much. Man, a guy can’t go ANYWHERE online without getting slammed with programs and shit. A year ago, no one even HEARD of “Ad Aware” or “Spy Ware”… now, if you don’t have either or loaded up, you’re poor pc won’t last ten seconds online!

What up Hyatte~

In regards to your column about have now officially heard from someone who likes Lords of Pain. I pretty much read them as well as you guys on 411.

Very diverse yet very good points are made on each don't have 5 billion pop-ups like you have on those other ones.

Keep on rocking the free world and Mr Tito is a pretty good read.......

Karyn from Michigan

A GIRL is a fan of the Lords of Pain…

Hey Tito! FINALLY someone gives you props! It only took me 7 years of randomly mentioning your site to get this… but still!

Hey Dickwad, I did a Google search for "blowjobs from a farting cow." CRZ's site was nowhere to be found. Surprisingly (or not surprisingly), the number one 

result was your mother's personal web site. 

Chris Allen


And finally…

Your rock dude

the world needs more c*nts.


Untrue… the world has plenty of… as you call them “c*nts”… what the world REALLY needs are more “cunts” who are more willing to except little penises that stick out of really ugly, hairy guys. Then a lot more people would be a lot happier in life!

Hello children, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. You doing okay? Well that’s good. Me? I’m right as rain. Are we ready to have a little FUN? Yeah? DANDY! Let’s get to it then…


For those of you with real lives that somehow, some WAY managed to keep you away from a computer and take you outdoors to enjoy a little sunlight on your skin (and please send me a report on how that feels… I have a LOT of readers who would like to know) Last Thursday’s column actually showed up and was actually not that bad! Vince McMahon contributed a piece! Flea made an appearance! I had news/comments on Hulk Hogan, Trish Stratus, a book you should look at (sort of), a TON of wrestling quotes, and other fun stuff! It’s almost as if I took THIS column, shortened it, and posted the second half on THURSDAY! It’s really, REALLY cool!!


Why is Eddie Guerrero champeen? Well, a BIG part is because he brings in a LARGE Hispanic audience with him.

(but not the ONLY reason… him being a hard, skilled worker and an across the boards charismatic personality helps too, so don’t send me a pissy e-mail)

So, what do you think is going to happen when his Hispanic audience stops watching Smackdown?

The Torch is all over this… Neilson has FINALLY started embracing technology and is experimenting with something called the “Local People Meter”. Already in use in Boston and getting started in New York, it’s a direct feed, from TV to database, calculating exactly WHO’S WATCHING WHAT AND WHEN. It’s like when soundscan technology started showing PRECISELY what records were being purchased… rather than the ol’ fashioned “guess-timate” system.

The problem with this system is… according to a coalition called Don’t Count Us Out, the system is not equipped to accurately measure households that use Spanish translation TV… what we know as “SAP”… they ALSO say that Neilson is refusing to release the info on how the LPM adjusts itself to properly gauge minority viewing habits. It’s a bit like how SAT tests were never adjusted to be comprehensive and familiar to inner city students.

Thus, the new ratings system is pretty much going on lily white America… and blowing off the Latino and black audience.

Smackdown’s champion is Latino.

Smackdown’s ratings suck.

WWE analysts may look at this new system, and construe that in order to revitalize Smackdown, they may have to RIP the belt off Eddie with the speed of a burrito going through a gringo’s digestive tract.

Thus… in conclusion… knowing how reactionary Vince gets… can you say NEW SMACKDOWN CHAMPION: JUSTIN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD??

OR… and some may say even worse… knowing how DESPERATE Vince gets… can you say NEW SMACKDOWN CHAMPION: THE UNDERTAKER??

God help us.

Again, this is all from the Torch… kudos to Keller and co for snagging this info., 


So, let’s see here… 

Bad Blood and The Great American Bash will pretty much be in competition with each other… only what… a couple of weeks apart?

Bad Blood’s gonna feature Shawn Michaels first “Hell in the Cell” match since the invention of the match. It also has Chris Benoit defending the title against someone with NO “H” in their nickname… Kane… and house show reports say that Benoit vs Kane have been damn good too

BB will also feature the WWE’s newest mega-star, Hillbilly Jim 2004… ie Eugene… and Randy Orton vs Sheldon Benjamin… and probably Jericho vs Tyson whatshisname which mean Evil Trish looking TASTEE…

Now that’s top notch stuff… just the “HITC” match is enough of a sell.

Meanwhile, The Geat American Bash is ALREADY being pissed on… because Judgment Day was sucky and because people reset JBL’s main event push… and because people resent the Undertaker… and because John Cea sucks as a face… and because the Cruiserweight division is a joke… and because some clown named Mordecai is allowed to breathe…

But Jesus Christ people… let’s look that theGAB line-up for one fucking second:

Eddie Guerrero vs JBL: It’s a Texas Bullrope match… which means it PLAYS TO BRADSHAW’S BRAWLING, STIFF STYLE! Eddie CAN go punch for potato with anyone if the situation calls for it… and he’s already proven to be willing to do whatever it takes to deliver a solid match. This doesn’t look bad.

The Undertaker vs The Dudleys: Handicapped match. The WWE is clearly looking to revamp the Dudleys into a more brutal heel unit. This type of match allows them to be vicious, and it allows the ‘Taker to kick ass AND get destroyed at the same time (and if you MORONS can’t remember back when the Dead Man used to sell a beating then you can go f*ck yerselves) Besides, it’s clear that the loose plan is to feature Eddie vs the Taker… maybe at SummerSlam or maybe at WM21 (assuming HHH doesn’t get a brand-mix winner take all unification match)… doesn’t it make senseto have both Eddie and the Undertaker look as strong as possible going into the big showdown?

John Cena vs Booker T: So the Cena rub didn’t push Rene Dupree as well as they hoped… giving Cena Booker T, who knows how to get a good match out of ANYONE when he wants (see Scott Steiner) means this will be pretty good… and Cena FINALLY doesn’t have to shoulder ALL the charisma alone. Both guys know how to promo… and Booker can cover for Cena’s weaknesses. This is a quiet money match.

Bikinis: Torrie, Sable, Dawn… hot bodies, non-wrestlers, lots of ass cracks, lots of damn near nudity… the only thing this little penis arouser is missing is Stratus! It’s fluff, but it’s FUN fluff…

So, everyone bitched about Judgment Day, so they adjusted… and you’re STILL bitching! 

For Chrissakes people… give them a BREAK!

Look at it this way… the more you whine, the more desperate Vincve gets… the more desperate Vince gets, the more he looks to the past… the more he looks to the past… well…

Well…. Hulk Hogan IS available… so is Kevin Nash.

Don’t you DARE assume Vince won’t pull THAT particular trigger!


In just 4 months, Wrestling is pronounced DEAD!

Ya know… this just boogles my mind… it really does…

Now before I get into this, let me state clearly that I do not care HOW you spend your money… this has ZERO effect on me whatsoever. You all want to buy wrestling books, you all go right ahead.

In OCTOBER, you can buy The Death of WCW by Brian Alvarez and RD Reynolds. It’s described as such…

The 240-plus page book is a detailed look at WCW’s history from 1988 to its purchase by Vince McMahon in 2001, with a heavy emphasis on the final years of the Monday Night Wars. We’ve also got an epilogue looking at how badly Vince screwed up the Invasion, which should have been the easiest and biggest-money wrestling angle of all time. If you love wrestling humor, all I have to say is that the book totally wrote itself, which those who lived through the era are no doubt aware.


ALSO in OCTOBER you can buy Wrestling's One Ring Circus: The Death of the World Wrestling Federation by Scott Keith. It’s described as such… 

… detailing how the WWF was handed a gold mine in the form of the InVasion angle in 2001, and somehow managed to not only botch it, but lose their very identity in a pointless legal battle with the World Wildlife Fund just a year later. Also learn details of Steve Austin's departure in 2002, direct from the people backstage who knew him best, and learn additional information about HHH's backstage manipulations of Kane, RVD and Booker T in the months following the brand extension. And of course, lengthy diatribes on the nWo, HHH, Shawn Michaels, HHH, Stephanie McMahon, HHH, Shock TV, HHH, and finally, HHH. All this and brand new match reviews, one of which I've never reviewed before now!

Of course, the WWF isn’t dead… just the name, having gotten the “F” out. Scott’s pithy irony hard at work. 

So… ONE book covers the last 12 years of WCW and the absorption into the WWF… the OTHER book covers the absorption itself, with, I’m sure generous space devoted to the last 12 years.

Now, again… I’m QUITE done caring about any of this… but you get the sense that Alvarez’s book will be a WEE bit heavier on the inside scoops and the educational values. Scott’s book will be a lot of star ratings and why Hunter blows.

Want I want to know is… why… FOR GOD’S SAKES, WHY… are these books being released AT THE SAME TIME??? 

Wrestling books, ESPECIALLY those by NON-INDUSTRY FOLK… is a DEAD market… they DO NOT SELL… in fact, the ONLY book that made a bit of a rumble is that Wrestlecrap book, and that was just for nostalgic value. What MORON is thinking, “Gee, let’s release OUR book at the same time as they release THEIRS and we can get us a good ol’ fashion pissing contest going!” It makes no sense. They are about to compete for the attention of maybe a couple of thousand people… that’s it. 

The publishing industry is in freefall, by the way. Each year people buy less and less books. It’s how The Da Vinci Code has stayed a best seller for so long… it’s not because the book has sold an ungodly amount of books (although its sales HAS been phenomenal), its because people just are NOT buying enough of anything to compete with it! It’s a if people stopped going to the movies after April 1st, HELLBOY would still be the #1 movie. Get it?

Personally, I’m not sure WHO’S gonna get fucked over the hardest here. Alvarez has Meltzer’s radio and newsletter as a very vital advertisement machine… Scott has a TON of readers (well, tons… his readers tend to be obese, like him BA-DUM DUM) and claims to be making a small profit from this little cottage industry of his. I’m not sure who’s gonna lose the most with this stupid, STUPID pissing contest. All I can say for sure is that both guys REALLY should bitch out their publisher for hitting a D*E*A*D market with this nonsense. I mean really, being arrogant about one’s fanbase is one thing… but this is retarded business.

Yeah, so in October, not only will WRESTLING be pronounced dead, but I suspect a few folks are gonna learn that the market for wrestling books is dead too… just a hunch.

Honestly, I wish everyone involved here good luck. I, of course, will be buying neither. Who the hell buys rasslin’ books anymore? Jeeze…

Meanwhile, this is OLD OLD OLD news… but remember when Bradshaw went for a lil’ cheap heat by pissing on the Internet with the obligatory “fat, virginal, mom & dad’s basement living, possibly gay NERDS” diatribe? Well, it took me a few weeks to get to this… but I wanted to goof on how PWInsider’s DAVE SCHERER reacted…

I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I am in pretty good shape and can bench 375 pounds so he obviously wasn’t talking about me!

HA! What a douchebag!

It’s just like I said a few months ago… Dave discovered the joys of walking and suddenly, he’s got the body of Randy Orton

He can bench 375? God, his poor wife. I mean, it’s great and all that Dave’s sticking with the girl who weighs that much… and it’s COMMENDABLE that he actually risks his own life by letting her get on top of him and ride his pony… but to publicly ANNOUNCE that she’s pushing 4 bills? Oh Dave… that’s just CRUEL and humiliating.

In other Scherer news… in case YOU haven’t yet caught onto the mania that is being a member of the “PWINSIDER ELITE” crowd… then you haven’t been keeping up to date with Dave and Buck’s (Woodward) NO NAME INTERNET RADIO SHOW… well, lucky you, I have… here’s a recent opening to their show… do you like to LAUGH?? Then HANG ON!!!

Dave: (deep, phlegmy, inhale) Welcome to the No Name show! I’m Dave Scherer along with Buck Woodward!

Buck: (laughter) Well, that was a PEPPY intro!

Dave: (chuckling) Well, I’m feeling PEPPY tonight!

Buck: (chortling) You’re feeling like Chavo’s old play-horse?

Dave: (laughter) Pepe? Oh don’t remind me! You HAD to bring that up, didn’t you??

Buck: (laughter) You said you were feeling PEPPY!!

Then we get 30 seconds of uncontained giggling… followed by a 10 minute argument over which one of them the WWE hates more.

This is what you’re being asked to pay for.


I mean… I already know what I would do… I’d just get shit-faced DRUNK and ramble for 30 minutes a week… shove a Scooter show in there… maybe an Eric show… the Scotsman… Flea…. Widro and Ashish bickering for 30 minutes over the direction of the site… it’s MONEY baby.

Come on… admit it… you’d pay good money to hear me do a cocked-out-of-my-soul radio show once a week.


Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv! 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: $92.6 MILLION OPENING WEEK-END. What I like about JK Rowling is that she has a definitive PLAN for her Harry… this series is FINITE. She could have easily turned this into a lame “Hardy Boys” franchise and keep churning them out forever… making Potter ageless… but she’s got an agenda and she’s sticking with it. 

Right now, it looks like Harry will eventually be tempted by the “dark side” of magic, thus making him Darth Vader and this series the “Star Wars” for the Millenium… oh, I’m sure he’ll pull a Luke and find atonement and blah, blah, blah… I just wonder if, in 20 years, she’ll commission a revamp of the whole movie series and modify it with the latest technology. I wonder if, in 20 years, people will be CURSING the name JK Rowling for the sin of “raping our childhood!” Oh, that’ll be fun to see… well, not like I’ll be around to see it. I’ll be dead soon… probably within the next 5 years. Probably right in the middle of a fucking wrestling column… Christ… 

2) Shrek 2: $37 million ($313.6 million total) Okay, for the record… I had a RARE typo last week and reported that the trio of Mike Meyers, Cameron Diaz, and Eddie Murphy were paid 1 million for this sequel… actually, they were paid 12 mil each… look at the damn total gross again… and keep in mind that this flick will play WELL into July.

All I know is that if this was the 80’s… Stallone’s people would have finagled at LEAST 50 million for Sly to show up and speak into a microphone… and hand him a trailer the size of Newark. 

3) The Day After Tomorrow: $28.2 million ($128.8 million total) This means it went from 100 million to 28 million within a week. That’s an UGLY drop-off! 

No review of this film from 411’s Jacob “I’ll review anything” Ziegler, but thank CHRIST he got around to reviewing Jersey Girl. Jacob… bubby… the idea here is to IGNORE Affleck until he goes away for good… NOT to review his films months after they tank! 

4) Raising Helen: $6.7 million (24.2 million total) A completely respectable gross for Kate Hudson, considering all these monster flicks she was sent to go heads up with. I get the sense this film is doing these numbers only because all the other flicks were sold out and the rubes needed a back-up flick to watch. .

5) Troy: $5.7 million ($119.1 million total) Oh crap… another Brad Pitt hit that is only BARELY a Brad Pitt hit. The man and his agent has he undeniable GIFT for picking scripts. 

In other movie news… Mean Girls is a bonafide hit and Man On Fire’s $75 million take is a nice little reminder that Denzel is the type of star that pretty boys like Brad Pitt can only HOPE to be.

Then there’s that popcorn mess called Van Helsing $114 million isn’t horrible, but all things considered.. 

And Soul Plane… I just feel bad for the poor movie theater owners who had to replace their bullet ridden screens after every showing. 

After tonight, there will be just 10 episodes of “The Sopranos” left… and all signs point to the last arc (which, really, was the main arc of the entire series) being “The Fall of Tony Soprano”. This is, as observed by Flea, “televised literature”… savor it. 

Finally… I’m sorry but, “Deadwood” sucks. 

Never a big fan of “Six Feet Under” either… not sure why.

Ahhh, nevermind this… let’s have some fun and see which big time Hollywood star has a STD!!!


Like a little gossip? Well, okay…

The following actors and actresses (and PRESIDENTS!!) have herpes:

David Hasselhoff (my favorite “Baywatch” episode was the time the Beach needed some money, so Hasselhoff flippantly said, “I’ll call Jennie McCarthy”… and ten minutes later, the beach hosted a full-on MTV fundraising Olympic-like weekend event… hosted by Jennie McCarthy. Now, why can’t Jennie have herpes? She’s annoying.)

Bill Clinton (heh)

Moby (He’s a miserable little man… and Eminem has, so far, avoided these little bugs! So, the score is: Slim Shady 2, Moby 0)

Tony Bennett (He left his heart in San Francisco, not to mention his HYGENE! BANG ZOOM!!!) 

Jeff Goldblum (freely passes them on too!) 

Glen Campbell (and wife!) 

Robin Williams (somehow, this tidbit manages to avoid being a part of his stand-up act)

Justin Whalin (who?)

Jason Kidd (heh… Jersey)

Fred Durst (His problem is that he made too much noise about all the girls he wants to and has banged. Announcing that Britney Spears likes to keep her pubes wild, unkept, and 70’s-like natural probably didn’t help his cause much either. Nor did BEGGING Wes Boreland to return to Limp Bizkit in public, only to have Boreland laugh out loud at him… in public) 

Lauren Hutton

Sheryl Crow

Paris Hilton (she doesn't mind passing them on to unsuspecting people either)

Tawny Kitaen-Finley (see site for her meds list - she's herpes medicine Zovirax)

Janet Jackson - she's on Zovirax

Pamela Anderson (a sure sign that Howard Stern is losing his grip on pop-culture is that he’s STILL acting like Pam is the hottest thing.)

Lucie Arnaz

Alyssa Milano (ya know… this girl is incredibly hot and all but… look at the tabloids… she’s ALWAYS with a different boyfriend… she’s ALWAYS with a new love. Watch her show, whenever she kisses some guy, she goes FULL OUT… tongue and all. Everything about this girl screams: “nympho”. Thus, this shouldn’t be a surprise)

Kristanna Loken (I bet Ah-nuld gave it to her!)

Joumana Kidd: (Who cares)

I got this from Here.

Want a little RASSLIN’ gossip? Okay then!

WHICH WWE pock mocked “General Manager” regularly picks up ointment cream for the dreaded hemorrhoids? Must be stressed related from watching his “rasslin’ empire take a tumble! Them roids must hurt too… why else would he need to take controlled substance sleeping pills at night! Better than those anti-anxiety drugs he used to take… hell, YOU’D be freaking if you let some douche talk you into putting the belt around David Arquette

CHEERS to this WWE Superstar for KICKING his Vicodin habit (believe the hype, he’s really clean)… now if he would just chill out and stop taking his work problems home… then maybe he wouldn’t need that Viagra to add that extra SALSA to his bedroom

Finally, the story-book comeback of the century just keeps rolling out with good news. Four years ago, he was considered dead, crippled, and useless to the company other than a very cheap appearance pop. Now, THIS bankable heartbreaker is about to enter the “Cell” for the second time in his career and “stop the show” against his best friend… and he’s doing all this with just a very minor pain killer prescription to his name!

As you can tell… someone in the field of pharmaceuticals has given me a little inside info… and I’ll say it LOUD and CLEAR… I have NO CLUE if ANY of this is legit… so PLEASE, take it with the appropriate handful of bullshit-guard… hookay?

Bischoff has hemorrhoids… HAW HAW HAW!!! Another reason why Nash is God! 


I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Clitphobic, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because… 

I don’t see Hollywood looking at YOU to be the next Conan, asshole.



More more, I ALWAYS needs more…

High-octane line-up this week… foul language… names like Nicholson, Pacino, Willis, Carey, Connery are all represented… and a little something from a Canadian export that I never heard of until this week.

And Gene “The Fuck” Hackman? What do YOU think?

01): Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell!- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

02): You know what capitalism is? Getting fucked!- Scarface

03): It's all about the get-away. You could steal Ebbett's Field if you plan the get-away right.

Ebbett's Field isn't there anymore.

See what I mean?- Heist

04): Be seated! Ah... Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants, well they started running short on materials right before they got to the knees so don't give me any shit. Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself, "What I wouldn't give to be 20 years younger... and a woman." You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life.- Hot Shots

05): It's a funny thing about people. One time out of a hundred they turn out better than you expect.- Last Man Standing

06): Hi, I'm Plenty.

But of course you are.

Plenty O’Toole.

Named after your father, perhaps?- Diamonds Are Forever

07): Listen. 

What the fuck is that?" 

Oh my fuck boys, what if it's a Samsquamch. It could be! 

They don't exist Bubbles. 

You try telling that to all the people that got eaten by them. Dirty bastards. 

Boys, I tell ya who it is, it's probably fuckin' Lahey. 

My God I hope it's not a Samsquamch, fuck I hate those bastards.- The Trailer Park Boys (a CANADIAN TV show)

08): Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what's gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.- Days of Thunder

09): I wouldn't extort a nickel from my worst enemy. That's where I draw the line.

Well, I'll tell you, Jake. I knew a whore once. For the right amount of money, she'd piss in a guy's face. But she wouldn't shit on his chest. You see, that's where she drew the line.

Well, Junior, all I can say is: I hope she wasn't too much of a disappointment to you.- The Two Jakes

10): Roma- Who said "Fuck the Machine"?

Moss- "Fuck the Machine"? "Fuck the Machine"? What is this. Courtesy class...? You're fucked, Rick—are you fucking nuts? You're hot, so you think you're the ruler of this place...?! You want to...


...Shut up. Decide who should be dealt with how? Is that the thing? I come into the fuckin' office today, I get humiliated by some jagoff cop. I get accused of...I get this shit thrown in my face by you, you genuine shit, because you're top name on the board...

Is that what I did? Dave? I humiliated you? My God...I'm sorry...

Sittin' on top of the world, sittin' on top of the world, everything's fucking peachfuzz...

Oh, and I don't get a moment to spare for a bust-out humanitarian down on his luck lately. Fuck you, Dave, you know you got a big mouth, and you make a close the whole place stinks with your farts for a week. "How much you just ingested," what a big man you are, "Hey, let me buy you a pack of gum I'll show you how to chew it." Your

pal closes, all that comes out of your mouth is bile, how fucked up you are...

Who's my pal...? And what are you, Ricky, huh, what are you, Bishop Sheean? Who the fuck are you, Mr. Slick...? What are you, friend to the workingman? Big deal. Fuck you, you got the memory a fuckin' fly. I never liked you.

What is this, your farewell speech?

I'm going home.

Your farewell to the troops?

I'm not going home. I'm going to Wisconsin.

Have a good trip.


(Moss exits. Pause.)

Roma (to the other guy)- You were saying?-Glengarry Glen Ross

Anyways… for SOME of you, this is where we part ways, the column is over. You can get on with your week now. 

This is Hyatte

And for the rest, this is where we take it home with one final, popular feature…


A couple’a notes:

Before you sit down and hammer out your inner turmoil, save yourself the time by checking out the GTL archives over on Flea’s site. I probably have addressed a situation fairly similar to yours, if not almost an exact match.

Furthermore, check out some of the questions I’ve answered in those archives… not EVERYTHING has to be about asking girls out and finding that damn slippery self-esteem, ya’ know.

If you happen to notice a recurring comment from me in my answers this week, it’s simply because I’m processing a wee bit of drama in my own personal life. Instead of bitching about it to bored friends, I vent it out productively, in this column. So, ignore the hidden messages and understand that they won’t last long. I’ll be done soon enough.

I am fucking Hyatte et al.

Back in 2001, some drama went down. Before I really get into it, I'll say it's been resolved, and it's not that I need advice. But I think this is a fun one to throw out there.

My roommate, we'll call him Rupert, liked this girl that we'll call Rose. They had been friends since high school days, and now in their mid-20's, he decided in winter 2000/2001 that she was "the one". Rupert had other crushes at that point as well, and after 2 months or pursuing Rose to no avail, he called it quits and moved onto other situations.

Also at that point, I was 2 years into a relationship with a girl we'll call Eve. Eve and I were on the rocks for all of 2001 through the summer.

Rupert started joking that Rose and myself should get together. He would email her about it everyday, and of course I ended up being in touch with her. One final detail, she lives in NY and myself in MA. She was in a relationship, and ended it. And helped me see that I needed to get out of mine. At one point, right after Eve and I broke up, a friend of mine was getting married right in Rose's home town. You can only guess where things were going. I asked Rupert if this was cool, and he said yes.

Of course, it wasn't cool. Things got pretty rough. Rose and I didn't date more than a month or so, but it was a really intense affair the three weekends we did spend together. I've never seen a girl get off so much and so wildly. Made me feel like a superstar after my failed relationship with Eve.

So, I'd like to see how you view it. If he had no chance, and hadn't pursued in half a year, was it still cool of me to tag this girl? Does "bro's before ho's" hold true when the guy crushes on every girl he meets? What level of blame is mine, what level of blame is his? And what level of blame goes to the girl, who was also a good friend of his?


Homeboy DID give you his permission… and props to you for asking him for it.

You did nothing wrong, she did nothing wrong either. No one is to blame other than Rupert for having a bruised ego. He’ll get over it. Tell him the sex was really, really bad and that she flops there like a dying seabass. He’ll feel better.

And by the way, if a girl doesn’t like you… (same goes for guys, ladies), then there is no way in HELL that she is the mythical “One”.. okay? Wake UP!

Dear Hyatte, 

What kind've signs can you pick up on with a girl that can tell you if they're interested in you? I recall you say something or other about if you walk by her orsee her and make eye contact and she looks away, or something like that. I'm not sure. 

But what signs can you look for to see if she's interested in you and worth the attempt, or if you should just keep goin to the next one.



Okay…. Here’s the simplest sign that I know of.

If you are talking to a girl and she seems to be the one extending the conversation way beyond the normal length of friendly chit chat between strangers, especially in a large room filled with other people she can be talking to, that means she likes you and is waiting for you to buy her a drink or ask for her number.

I always give them mine. Let HER make the first move and call. Screw it, it’s a new century.

Hmm I have a problem and I was wonderin if u could give it a go, given that you already sit through pratically every knownothing's situation and give good advice

See, I haven't had much luck with girls either and my confidence is..not the best to say the least. I'm into a lot of self torture about 'why would a girl like me and so on' and the only times I've ever asked a girl out is when I can know for sure they'd say yes, hence the last two girls I dated (Both realationships ended on v. bad terms) 

Anyways theres a girl that I kinda like who's two years older than me and the sis of a good friend of mine. I get along well with the entire family . Ages ago I heared that this girl told my friend that she'd date me in an instant if not for the age difference and that I was a really hot guy with interesting views. 

Usually when shes around me she flirts like anything but she is a bit of a flirt anyway and there are other times when she will disapoint me because she won't pay that much attention to me at all. To cut to the chase I'm constantly wondering if i should ask this girl on a date, and from there what to do if she said yes (U know what kinda date to go on given that I don't have much exp. in what a good 1st date would be like) 

Ok enough of my crap. ANy advice or response would be helpful


Oy vey.

Look her in the eye and say, “Have dinner with me.”

Again, I’m just guessing here, but she looks like she’s waiting for you to take control of the situation and cowboy up.

If she turns you down, oh well.

If she says “Sure!”, then make the date.

Then take her to dinner…then to a pub for some leg-loosening drinks… then a nice, quiet walk through the city or park where you to, you know, TALK AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER!

Going to clubs is for second dates… cuz that’s when you get her buzzed, and horny

Going to movies is when you’ve been an item for a while and need something to do.

And that’s the best I will do for you… I can’t hold your goddam hand.

Hey there, Senor Hyatte. I figured since you have a wise and infinite wisdom about all things that don't really matter (that's actually a compliment... in a roundabout way...), I thought I'd ask for some advice from you.

Okay, so, I have a girlfriend who we shall call K. I've been with her for about 2 weeks now, but last year I dated her for about 3 months before she dumped me. Now I've hooked her back in, and I was wondering what you make of the situation I'm about to bestow upon you.

She's a weird girl... her parents never let her do anything. We went to prom a week ago and her parents wouldn't even let her ride in the limo with me after I paid 500 fucking dollars for it. But that was okay, I'm in "love." So there went that money. I hardly knew yee...

Now the only times we talk are before school, during lunch, and during last period. She never calls, she's not internet capable at the moment, and I gave up on calling her the last time we dated. Eleven days in a row I called that sweet little red head, and no one even answered! Eesh.

Anyway, right now I'm finding it hard to be excited about being with her. I love her more than anything else in the world, but it just feels like she might be unhappy. It feels like it did last time a for the couple of weeks right before we broke up the first time, and I'm not sure exactly what to do. So, advice? Or you can rip me a new poop hole, I'm up to about 7 of them. Trying to collect the whole set!

Oh, and uh... You're fucking awesome in your columns. You inspire me with your noncaringness about pissing other people off just for fun. 

Muchos gracias, Senor Hyatte!

-Leroy Zombie

PS: Yes, that's my alias. No, it's not gay. Yes, you may call me gay anyway. No, I will not sleep with you.

Well, at least you have a sense of humor.

You don’t “love her more than anything”… you love your penis, right? Would you hack that off if she asked? No. You love food, right? Would you quit eating if she asked? No! You love air, right? Would you stop breathing if she asked? No!! You love your heterosexuality, right? Would you suck a giant black penis if she asked? NO!

Again, I’m only getting YOUR side of the story here. You might be a douche.

I’m pretty sure she’s all done with you. She just doesn’t have the guts to tell you. She’s just hoping you get the message and move along on your own accord. Believe me, girls do that. Woman don’t; women will suck it up and give you that “It’s over” conversation. Girls run and hide. It’s the difference between pretending to be grown-up and being grown-up. Once you learn to recognize that, you’ll be able to tell just how mature a girl is… and treat her accordingly.

It’s a pain in the ass, I know. Unfortunately, it comes with the territory when you’re trying to hook up.

She’s done with you, Leroy baby. I get the feeling you’re pretty cool with this.

Dear Hyatte,

I'm 19 and almost a year removed from high school. The summer after senior year my best friends and I spent all of our time hanging out, as is normal... Over the summer my group of friends was widdled down from the larger posse of high school to a total of four including myself. Mike, Samantha (Sam), and Karen. We had a lot of fun over the three months we spent weirding out and annoying the neighborhood. The entire time I had a bit of a crush on Karen. Around late August Karen (still in HS) headed back to begin her own senior year. It then became mostly Mike, Sam and I. All was still fun until mid September when we headed off to our respective colleges. Mike and Sam going off to the same college and me staying behind at the local university. Since I was still nearby I got to spend time with Karen every weekend, when neither of us were in school. That's pretty much how the first quarter went, with my crush growing every week. Eventually Karen (16) got involved with a twenty-one year old guy. 

I took the immature road of badmouthing him every chance I could. Finally I couldn't take it and told Karen how I felt about her. It took her competely by surprise. We had been the closest of any two people in our group and now we were at odds. She decided we should stop talking to eachother for awhile. Eventually things started to get normal again as winter break pulled to a close. Then suddenly the day second quarter began, she called me manipulative and ended our friendship. I tried to fix things between us but it appeared as if we were too far gone. Since then I've gotten with another girl, we're 4 months into our relationship and like you've covered several times so far "the best way to get over someone is to not spend any time with them" and it's true, by the end of our first month apart I didn't think much about Karen at all. Even though Karen and I were the closest for awhile, we'd only known eachother for a year. 

It's about six months removed from when we stopped talking and she pretty much became a distant memory for me as I became enveloped in college life and my new girlfriend. It wasn't until April when she IM'd me and got an away message, she basically said she's sorry for not talking to Mike or I anymore, but we're her bestfriends and it's basically the wish of her boyfriend that none of us speak anymore. 

But wait! Not to worry, she's on the brink of a break through deal that may make it so we can hang out again! By the time I read her message my attitude towards her was more of a "That's nice, go fuck yourself...". But Mike was apparently very hurt by her decision to stop talking to us. When you hang out with the same people everyday over the summer you get really attached. Mike and Karen had been on good terms all through my falling out with her, but he too was one ofthe people Karen was no longer allowed to talk to. 

Where Karen and I had been embroiled in a month long argument that left us with closure, Mike was 400 miles away. I didn't realize that when Spring Break rolled around, Mike was actually experiencing a completely different situation than when he had left. I tried to help him. After Karen's IM everything sort've came to a boil as Mike and I started talking more about how he felt about the whole situation...that's one half of the story...

Meanwhile, 400 miles away from the drama Karen and I were going through, Sam wasn't adjusting well to college. She stayed locked up in her room most of first quarter. Before she started to cling to Mike's roommate Tim. Tim was a guy we'd all known through high school. He was very nice and attracted a lot of attention from the girls. However, Tim was in love with Mandy, the girl he had been dating since freshman year of high school. Mandy was going to school a considerable distance from Tim so Tim and Sam started to hang out more. Sam became head over heels enamored with Tim. Tim saw Sam as just a good friend. Samantha couldn't help but become more and more obsessed with Tim. She stopped talking to Mike, who spent a lot of time with Sandra (his girlfriend) anyway. Overtime Sam and Mike became confused as to who was pushing who away in their friendship. Tim stopped liking Mike and told him that he was going to be roommates with some random guy next year, Tim broke the news to Mike the day before he had to register for a room. This had been something Tim had been planning on for awhile. Mike didn't see this coming at all. He had one day to scramble up a roommate or get randomly placed. Sam was so enamored with Tim that she sided with him over Mike. After hearing both sides of the story I couldn't help but side with Mike. Summer is fast approaching and Tim will spend all of his time with Mandy, Sam is still living in a dreamworld where her and Tim can be together and as a consequence is not talking much with Mike. Mike wont talk to Sam because he sees it as entirely her problem. I'm 400 miles away...I can't really help work it out until the summer. But things don't look good for a one time happy group of four as one year removed from college they've been through a lot.

It would be helpful if you could give any advice you can muster up, in response to that story...

Tangled Web of Young Lust!

I made up that name! Yay me!

Why, oh dear god WHY are you bugging yourself with shit that you have NO control over?

Brother, here’s the truth: high school friendships NEVER last, they aren’t SUPPOSED to. High school friendships are there to give you a foundation to build social skills when it really counts… in college, in the job market, in LIFE.

Your magical summer group are going their separate ways, they are following their paths, making their mistakes, doing what comes naturally. They are forging ahead, moving on with their lives.

“Moving on…” I use that phrase often. Just last week, someone through that phrase back at me. Yet she used it as an excuse… a way to make herself feel more justified. Whatever… there’s no point in adding this part other than to let her know that I’m onto her. 

You want soap operas, go watch “Days of Our Lives” (is Patch back yet?) What you’re looking at here are a bunch of kids doing what they think are grown-up things and getting over-hysterical over this small-time drama. It’s part of growing up.

I’d just watch it all unfold, have a few snickers, and NOT take it all so seriously, in a year everyone will be saying, “Ugh, I can’t BELIEVE I was so stupid.”

Oh, and there isn’t a 16 year old girl alive who can’t be led by the nose by an older man who rises her self-esteem. You stand no chance against Karen’s 21 year old perv-sugardaddy… don’t even bother trying.


I'm a loser like most of the other people who write in to you, and I need some help. Here is the deal. I am 20 years old. I went to college for 2 years and am now "taking time off".

The main reason i quit was that i was smoking lots of weed and just didnt have the motivation to go anymore.I have since quit(not completely but for the most part). I had plenty of friends when i was in high school as well as college. But now things have changed. I have a decent job making decent money, but I live with my parents. They moved after I graduated high school, and now I dont really no anybody around this area. I have one friend really and I feel like a loser. I havent been with a chick since school. I plan on going back to school this fall though, just so I can have some fun. I've always been popular but never really outgoing. I am interested in having an actual girlfriend not just a fuckbuddy. 

So my question is do you think i should just wait til i get back to school to find a girl or should i man up and ask some girls out that i dont really know. Also, should i steer away from weed all together or just try to use it in moderation. I mean i really love smoking but i sometimes feel like it aint helping out too much. Thanks for your time.


Did you know that guys are split into 2 groups universally:

Group 1 can get any chick they want.

Group 2 has to ask 100 girls out before one will say yes.

The problem is that guys in group 2 refuse to believe they are in group 2 and are too afraid to ask girls out because they WILL get rejected 10 times and therefore proving beyond a doubt that they are group 2 people. Everyone wants to be in group 1.

Pete, you’re in group 2. Welcome.

Now go man up and ask out everything with a pussy and a pulse.

And only do weed on weekends.

Oh God, I am DONE.

It’s funny, I went with the 2 column idea because they would be SHORTER, thus easier for you MTV/short attention span scroll monkeys to digest…

Yet, because of the Advice stuff, these Monday columns are as long as ever.

Hello IRONY!!!

The good news is that I’m having fun with the two column route. It’s cool to delegate stuff and build up two even-minded columns…. Each with their own unique identity and segments.

Now, on Thursday, Vince McMahon says he’ll have something. I’ll have message boardom. Flea will be there. Will YOU be there? Widro swears I’m getting action… but I’m not so sure. E-mail has been slow lately. Not that I was always BURIED with e-mail (I doubt any web writer is), but still…

Show some luv, people. I can use a hug.

If this column has more typos than usual (HAW, the wit) it’s cuz I’m too tired to proof-read too hard… I’m just hoping all my HTML codes are tight (often times, I screwed them up… as Widro’s diminishing hairline WILL attest)

R.I.P Ronald Reagan. The man knew how to sell a PROMO!

This is Hyatte