The Midnight News 06.14.04 

Posted by Hyatte on 06.14.2004 

A Gift!, Bad Blood, Nouns, Feinstein, Movies, HHH, Advice, and This isn't one of my better offerings 


Hey Hyatte, you have to be the king of all socially inept internet nerds hiding behind their computer screens and talking a bunch of shit. Maybe you feel the need to compensate for your inability to getting laid or the fact that you're the offspring of a long tradition of incestuous relationships. I guess you actually think that you are controversial. Actually, you're just a sorry-ass coward who does not have a social life. It is kind of sad that 411 which is basically a good site lets a racist pedophiliac moron like you have his own column. I can't believe that there are actually pathetic lowlives who like your crap. Maybe you consider yourself a satirist. Well, bad-mouthing a dead person has nothing satirical to it. It's a disgrace. Maybe you do so because you know there will be nobody mourning your death after you are gone. People who know you will most likely be glad that there is one asshole less to worry about. It really pains me to know that positive role-models like Owen have to die at a young age while sick fuckers like you are alive and well. A little bit of advice: You need help. Go see a psychiatrist. Now. You are really a fucked-up individual.

I'm sure you won't take my well-intended advice, so go on with your sick columns. Or better yet, commit suicide. Being you can't be much fun. 

PS: Don't bother answering. I don't communicate with people hiding behind internet pseudonyms. 

Yours truly:

Johannes Weidmann (from Germany; or "Nazi Country" to brainless cocksuckers like you)


Another German weighs in…

… if you elect your "Preznit" for four more years, youґre one big step along to creating your own legacy. Hey, youґve already preemptively invaded a country, you got your own secret police and your civil rights have been gutted. And I wonґt mention all the pseudo-nazis who pass now for legitimate public persons in your country. Good luck, buddy! You better practice saying "Heil Bush!" very fast. :) 


Magnus Knoblauch

Yeah… but the only people we’ll be gassing are the ones that REALLY deserve it… and hippies 

Your herpes list was incomplete without the loathsome(but I would still bang the crap out of her) ROSE MCGOWAN on it. There was even a "blind item" piece about a year and a half ago in the NY POST that pointed to her having it. 


Really? Poor Rose.

I don’t find her all that attractive… a bit… umm… spongy/chubby.

What's crackin Hyatte? 

Just a few things regarding Alaska, as I spent nearly a decade there before escaping a few years back:

1) Alaska is the 49th state. Hawaii, where I just relocated to from Vancouver, WA... is number 50.

2) You can fit three Texases inside AK. Also, right about this time of year, and for the next three months... it's about the most beautiful, non-frozen place on the planet. So calling it small and frozen isn't entirely accurate.

3) The permanent fund dividend kicks multiple forms of ass, although the last three I got (2000, 2001, 2002) I essentiall drank away. I also was very much for the idea of getting one last giant dividend back in the day.

4) My tires are filled with water.

Thought I'd share. Keep up the average work, homie. You're no Scotsman... hell, you're not even Vin... but I read you twice a week anyway.


“My tires are filled with water”… ain’t that just… the BEST way to describe living in Alaska in just a single sentence? Good job.


Patriot Missile55

Run a Spyware program… and download a hijacking program and clean out whatever it is that’s telling the pop-ups to bury you.

Oh, and Mozilla is a great browser that keeps a shitload of pop-ups away.

And quit your whining.

Honest to God, your shit's been fantastic recently. I want you to suck my cock and swallow my gear, you fucking whore.

- Tom

Oh no it has NOT!

And… done and done, homey

Quit bitching about not getting mail. Fucking loser. I don’t have anything else witty or smart to say. Great column. Keep it rolling.


Yes sir,

Hello rimlickers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. I’m running late… I’m tired, and oh, no excuses… let’s just roll, baby.

Maybe just one excuse… we seem to be a little short on the ha ha funny stuff this week… just to let ya know…

Okay, off we go…


Not gonna scream about it… but there WAS Thursday column last week that ended up buried within a day or so. Of course, a man of my brilliance DEMANDS at least 36 FULL HOURS of top o’ de page action before getting archived!

Anyway, it wasn’t a bad column! Vince McMahon contributed a piece! Flea made an appearance! I looked at Bradshaw’s situation from a unique angle. I paid homage to Nitro in the Wrestling quotes section, I had message boardom and I had porn links… NASTY porn links! It’s a damn fine SUPPLEMENT to what I do here… and if you have any cockles, I promise this column will warm them right up!

Has 411 gone CRAZY??? Well, according to ASHISH, WE HAVE!! It’s a hell of a good deal too, especially for you clueless marks!


I know you don’t care about this… but I do and rhat’s all that matters.

I’m not gonna moan about all this free entertainment you get… but it’s nice when I’m rewarded.

BM sent me a $50 Amazon gift certificate… man, thanks… THANKSTHANKS THANKS THANKS THANKS!!!!! You are GOD for my week!

That’s right… BRUCE MITCHELL from the Torch sent me a $50 Amazon gift certificate! He knows who rocks the house!

Anyway, Bruce has the right to know what I did with the $50… I bought 5 books: Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game by Michael Lewis, Music for the Torching by A.M. Homes, A School Story by Andrew Clements and Brian Selznick, Flood by Andrew Vachss, and Lamb : The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. That’s right… BOOKS… not gay ass cartoon DVDs… BOOKS!!

So there ya go… thank you BM, sir. Now, MY house is rocked.


I thought of how to recap Bad Blood and couldn’t come up with anything all that good… so let’s just be really weak and do it without verbs, adverbs, or adjectives.

-Teams…. Benoit… Edge… Frenchies… Kane… Benoit… screwjob.

-Backstage… Bischoff and Regal…. Eugene… Eugene and Bischoff…. Bischoff… Eugene.

-Jericho… Tyson…. Stratus… Tyson… Jericho…. Jericho… tits…. Stratus… erection… Jericho…. Victory

-Orton…. Promo…. Filler… Benjamin…. Match…. Work…. Work…. Stars… Flair… time… time… time…. Orton… roll-up… tights… Orton…champion

-Lita… Hardy… kiss…. Kiss… Bischoff… security… Hardy… Bischoff… Lita… Lita… Bischoff… 

-Trish… Gail Kim… Victoria… Lita…. Jugs… yam yams… rocks… hard-on… Hyatte… hard-on… Hyatte… Trish… champion… smile… Trish…. Mess… Hyatte

-Eugene & Coach…. Comedy… laughter…. Eugene… fans… heat….pops… Eugene… face… Garrison… woman…. Cookies…. Coach…. Eugene… Eugene… fun.

-Benoit…. Kane… title… Kane… Kane…. Benoit… Benoit… Crossface… Kane… Crossface…. Kane… power… Sharpshooter…. Kane… Benoit…. Kane…. Juggernaught… Benoit…. Heart… determination… Benoit…. Roll-up… victory

-HHH…. HBK…. Blood…. Hell…. Ring… ladder…. HBK… lower back…. Pain…. Chair…. Steps… an hour… hell…. Tenacity…. Brutality…. Effort… warriors… Pedigree… Pedigree… Pedigree… HHH… victory.

Just want to add that Hunter ad Michaels manged a hell of a brutal match without climbing to the ceiling for a single maniacal spot. The basically kept it straight up in the dead ass center of the ring… a brutal, BRUTAL match that is the new standard for hard-work.

Lots of Stratus, which is nice… and the last two matches which made the show killer.


In the grand fashion of the wrestling business… 

Months after EVERYONE INVOLVED SWORE UP AND DOWN harder than OJ on the stand that Rob “Hmmm, underage fudge holes” Feinstein and the Ring of Honor rasslin’ company were no longer connected, news broke that they have FINALLY split from each other. ROH will continue to have specialty wrestling where workers shake hands afterwards and Feinstein will continue to have his on brand of specialty wrestling where young, male penises get shaken before, during, and after their “matches”

Many ROH wrestlers are outraged that this whole drama has been kept hidden in the proverbial closet (ZING!!!)

Meanwhile, Jerry Jarrett is telling everyone who questioned why his little hillbilly dog and pony rasslin’ company would bully ROH out of their top workers unless they provide proof that Feinstein is no longer with the company to kiss his lily white ass. They knew ALL ALONG that ROH was still Feinstein-o-riffic the whole time!

Here’s what I think:

- Feinstein is STILL innocent. He hasn’t been charged with a damn thing and it doesn’t look like he will be. 

-Feinstein has officially become a scapegoat.

-I’m sure those little boys were just ASKING for it anyway… look at how they dress!

-Jarrett, Bob Ryder, and the whole damn TNA company are STILL inbred, simple bullies who used this to pimp slap ROH into handing over their shared workers. AJ Styles working twice a month for ROH could NOT POSSIBLY hurt TNA… no chance in hell.

-R. Kelly is ON VIDEO diddlying a 16 year old girl… but since he still sells cds, the radio industry has decided to forgive him…. If TNA had any confidence in their product, they wouldn’t worry about pissing off Fox Sports with this EXTREMELY, PATHETICALLY loose association with an ALLEGED pedofile. 

-Yeah, like Mike Tenay is Mr. Straight and Narrow… give me a BREAK!

-Jeff Jarrett ain’t the mega-star the show pretends he is!

-and… umm…. Flea blows

That’s it. 


Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv! 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: $35 million ($158.1 million total). You know, JK Rowling will EVENTUALLY have to write about Harry losing his virginity… and call me crazy but… well, doesn’t Daniel Radcliff seem a little… I don’t know… does the Potter world feature a lot of FAIRIES???

Heh, the last book will be Harry’s graduation! This is where he becomes a real sorcerer and pull a gerbil out of his arse! BWAHAHAHAAA!! 

It’s a HUGE drop-off from last week, here… which says kids ain’t screaming to see this flick twice. 

2) The Chronicles of Riddick: $24.6 million opening weekend. What the holy miserable HELL is Judy Dench doing in this movie? 

By the way… except for the face and the ethnicity, I look sort of like Vin Diesal… he may be taller. He’s leaner too, but not by much. His voice is deeper too, but not by much. Basically, I look exactly like Vin Diesal’s retarded brother.

$25 million is NOT a satisfying opening weekend for a epic sci-fi flick like this, by the way. One wonders what would have happened if Diesal’s closest current action-star competitior, the Rock was the star here.

3) Shrek 2: $24 million ($354million total): Paint me green and I look like Shrek’s retarded cousin too… dammit. 

4) The Stepford Wives: $22.2 million opening weekend. You know what’s sad… Nicole Kidman… a BEAUTIFUL woman by anyone’s standards… an ACCOMPLISHED actress who can do Shakespeare, an do Merchant Ivory, can do comedy, can do cheesy thrillers, can do just about any role and be good at it… and she has to load her face up with botox out of paranoia. This movie is NOT a fantasy… it is an ALLEGORY on being a Hollywood starlet after 30!

Nice to see Bette Midler continue to work, tho’… I always had a soft spot for the girl who sang “The Rose”… one of my favorite songs ever… some say looooove, it is a riiiiveeeeer, that flooooooooows through the heart! .

5) Garfield: The Movie: $21.6 million opening weekend. Or, “Bill Murray collects the easiest paycheck in his life”… You KNOW Bill only said yes to this cuz he needed a new house in Tahiti, or something. 

By the way, we are only 2 years away from a full fledged, topless Jennifer Love Hewitt sex scene. She’s starting to get desperate for attention people… put your penises at “Yellow alert” 

In other movie news… Elliot works in a movie theater and wrote to me about how some of these current flicks made their money… read it or skip to the TV stuff… I think it’s pretty interesting:

-The Day After Tomorrow sold huge on Memorial day weekend. It played 13 times a day and sold out every last seat ten times on Memorial Day and 6 times each on Saturday and Sunday before it. It's still playing 13 times a day this week and while it's not selling out, it has huge crowds still.

-Senior citizens make up most of the Raising Helen crowd, with teenage girls being the rest of it. For most of the Day After Tomorrow crowd (16-40 year olds of both gender) that got shut out of their movie, Troy was the overwhelming backup choice.

-Soul Plane did NOTHING. It's gone up several times in the last week and a half with nobody in the theatre, and its biggest show on Memorial Day roped in about 30 people. Black people aren't going to this movie, it's all white kids who just learned what irony is.

-Man On Fire performed dismally at my theatre. The crowd was largely white couples ages 25-35.

-Sort of old news now, but Kill Bill Vol 2 was doing huge numbers with people seeing it multiple times right up until we pulled it on Memorial Day weekend. Super Size Me was also getting tons of teenagers that were shut out of sold out showings of Troy.

There ya go…

In TV news… do you want to know the difference between a STAR and a “girl with big tits who’ll sleep with anything to advance her career”? Then watch how seriously Carmen Electra took to winning her MTV Movie award for “Best Kiss”… the girl treated it like she just won a goddam oscar… she thanked her AGENT FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!

If I was Axl Rose and I watched Eminem goof on me during D12’s Movie awards performance… yeah, I’d FINALLY be motivated to put out a CD and go to war… and don’t give me that “Axl? He’s an old FART! Slim Shady would DEVOUR his tired old ass” crap… Eminem is MY AGE… He ain’t no spring chicken either, yo!

Finally, someone wrote to me and said I was WRONG about Deadwood sucking. No, see… the problem with Deadwood is that it is written by David Milch… who wrote NYPD Blue during the Jimmy Smits era (and a little bit past it)… after Steven Bochco handed the whole “Blue” she-bang over to Milch’s creativity, the scripts became damn near incoherent… watch some reruns if you don’t believe me. Milch has an unusual ear for dialogue an tends to write ass backwards sentences that look completely chaotic on paper, but sound sort of right when spoken. That’sthe problem with Deadwood, other than the word “cocksucker”, there isn’t a single sentence uttered on that show that makes a lick of sense. And forget about following the plot… you can’t do it! Is there a plot here? I’m not sure.

Anyway… now that I’ve bemoaned the way actresses stick face numbing rat poison in their foreheads, let’s get COMPLETELY hypocritical and goof on them when their caught without MAKE-UP! 


Educational value? Meeting people? Unfiltered news? Bullpoop 

What’s the Internet REALLY for, you ask? I mean, besides porn?


Actresses… oh they think they are SO hot! They think they are ABOVE commoners like YOU… well, take away their make-up and you’ll see that they are just as regular and as common as that smelly fat cow you get to shag twice a week…

For instance… Gwyneth Paltrow looks like that substitute art teacher we used to torture in the 4th grade

Pink looks like she’s been down a rough road… and looks like one of those Roy Orbison- looking bulldykes t’boot!

How much did Jennifer Aniston pay for that chemical peel that went horribly wrong?

Ohhh, if Hollywood ever makes another movie about the Holocaust, Jamie Pressly is a shoe-in for a role! MAN, that’s a scary bitch!

The scary part is… I’m not sure if Lara Flynn Boyle looks better with or without make-up!!

One of the The richest women in the world is Oprah… or is that “Florida” from Good Times?

With or without make-up Tracy Lords is still a porn star, god dammit!

In every small town high school in America, there is someone who looks just like Alicia Silverstone… but what is she eating? 

This is why Ben Affleck is glad he bailed.

And Mira Sorvino? YE GODS!!! Her Mira must break all the time!!

But, some girls are naturally beautiful… even without make-up:

Jessica Alba is a honey, no matter what.

Angelina Jolie will devour most men… she’s scary hot.

And Mandy Moore is too damn young to be anything less than fresh

But finally… just in case you’re naпve enough to think that rich and successful people must produce beautiful offspring… take a look at what Triple H gets to bang!

Celebrities… just like you and me except slightly better

Thanks to Dean’s Planet for the vital filler-material

Speaking of Hunter…


I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Boylover, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because… 

It was HIS skills that made Vivid porn starlet Kobe Tai come the hardest when he and Wesley Snipes tag teamed her one night after shooting “Blade III”… HIS WHITE PENIS put the black man to SHAME!



More more, I ALWAYS needs more…

Mix of everything this week… some movies… some OLD TV… a couple of cuts from the SECOND of THREE variations of “The Hollywood Squares” (the second being, of course, the Shadow Stevens, Jm J Bullock, Joan Rivers in the center square, 80’s version) and we close this edition with the ALWAYS entertaining quote from a hardened CRIMINAL… 

And do I EVEN have to mention the inclusion of Gene “THE FUCK” Hackman? Naaah, I don’t think so.

Have fun:

01): Mr. Gambini.....are you mocking me with that outfit?

Mocking you? No, I'm not mocking you judge.

Then explain that....outfit.

I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. Your town doesn't have a one-hour cleaners, so I had to buy a new suit. Except that the only store you can buy a new suit in has got the flu. You get that? The whole store got the flu. So, I had to get this in a secondhand store. So, it's either wear the leather jacket, which I know you hate, or, this. So I wore this… ridiculous thing, for you.

You on drugs?

Drugs, no. I don't take drugs.

I don't like your attitude

What else is new?

I'm holding you in contempt of court.

Oh, there's a fucking surprise.

What did you say?


What'd you just say

What'd I say, what? - My Cousin Vinny

02): Hey, ya' got Pac Man? 


Ya' got Space Invaders? 


Ya' got Asteroids? 

Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.- National Lampoon's Vacation

03): What do you get if you cross a cow and a buffalo?

Utter chaos! What do you get if you cross a donkey and a game show host?


A smarter game show host.- Alf: The Hollywood Squares (John Davidson era) 

04): The last big buy was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.

What'd ya get 'em?

A septic tank.

For their anniversary?

They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced.

You're a fine son, Barn.

I try.- The Andy Griffith Show

05): You think your average juror is King Solomon? No, he's a roofer with a mortgage. He wants to go home and sit in his Barcalounger and let the cable TV wash over him. And this man doesn't give a single, solitary droplet of shit about truth, justice or your American way. - Runaway Jury

06): I know who you are and you are nothing. You think you are fucking something, but you are fucking nothing. You are empty. You are zero. You are a black hole, and I am going to fuck you so bad you're gonna be coming out of your ears.- Happiness

07): I'm going to get my rig license. I'm going to be just like that fuckin' BJ and the Bear cocksucker. Except I'm going to have kitties in my truck instead of a dirty-ass, stinky little monkey.- The Trailer Park Boys (a CANADIAN TV show)

08): Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky. Rivers and seas boiling! 

Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! 

Human sacrifices! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!- GhostBusters

09): Why am I Mr. Pink?

‘Cause you're a faggot, that’s why.

What’s it matter what your name is?

Why does it have to be Pink. You get a cool name like Mr. White. I want a new one like Mr. Purple. 

Yeah, I don’t like mine either. Mr. Brown is to close to being Mr. Shit. 

Well at least you're not Mr. Pussy. 

Shut the fuck up, all of yoos.- Reservoir Dogs 

10): You're crazy, you know that?

Of course I'm crazy! You got me out of the psychiatric ward of a V.A. hospital, stupid!- The A-Team

11): One third of all ice cream sold in the United States is? 

In my freezer.- Louie Anderson: The Hollywood Squares (John Davidson era)

12): I see a commercial on TV for a Happy Meal. What the fuck is a Happy Meal? I ain’t been happy in 20 fucking years! Where’s MY FUCKING HAPPY MEAL?- Scared Straight 2: An MTV Special

Indeed… where are OUR Happy Meals? Alas… alas…

One thing about life-long convicts… they know how to speak the TRUTH!!!

Okay, so for those who FANCY yourselves ABOVE listening to your better (ie: moi) give advice… this is where we say goodbye. I’ll be around on Thursday… do make it a POINT to be there too.

This is Hyatte.

Okay, now for the rest of you who enjoy the way I Guide your asses through this crazy, mixed up world…


I’m doing a-okay with these… I have a nice stack sitting in the in-box and have an only slightly larger than I intended stack of answers in the out-box. Naturally, I can’t and won’t send immediate advice over the e-mail… simply no time for that… but if you’re patient, I’ll get your letter up here.

Again… if you sent me a frickin’ novel, I’ll end up deleting it. I can’t have one letter completely logjamming my limited bandwidth here. Keep it short… the following letters here are a good example of how to get all the necessary info in without killing me with endless words.

Let’s start off with my favorite type of letter… one from a GIRL!!

Hey Hyatte. I have a question I guess. No rush on the answer.

First off, I am a chick. I'm a pretty cool chick who likes sports, wrestling, tv and all that stuff. Also a stoner. But the matter at hand.

I have a best friend who is a guy. Yes its one of those "My Best Friends Wedding" kinda scenarios. Me and the guy who I'll call "Bob" met through his best friend, whom I was dating at the time. I moved from Miami to NY for my ex, and then back to Miami with him, where we broke up a couple of months later. Down here is my home.

Me and his best friend always stayed good friends. All similar interests and he's not nuts like my ex. Well, last year he went with me to a concert where we umm "consummated our friendship". Had a great weekend. Went out to Cali (Thanksgiving time he was living in Cali at that time) had a fine high time :-) The last time I saw him was Super Bowl weekend. He flew down for 2 days and went back to NY. Had a bit of a crush on him after the first time, but I got over it.

The thing that bugs me is that we talk almost everyday. He's in NY meeting and dating different chicks. I give him advice and such. He finds a chick who he really likes aka COOL LIKE ME. And says to me today that I'm basically the type of chick he's looking for. Now the "Best Friends Wedding" part is if I'm what he's looking for ummm why not have me?

Here's the circumstances though:

-*Distance* I'm down here, he's up there

-*MY EX* (knows nothing thank god)

-*HIS EX* whom I was very good friends with when I was in NY. Not much 


Its no rush, but I guess if I ever wanted to press and ask"why not me Bob?", I'd make our relationship strange, and I don't want to do that. But at the same time I don't want to always wonder what if... I think he wants a good girl like me I'm just a little bad. In a good way. What do you think of this clusterfuck? Eventually ask and go for it, or just stay friends and don't ever bother asking.

And where are all the guys looking for a cool sports and tv oriented girl? Have I mentioned I got a booty like J Lo? I'm Ro Lo :-)

*Not for the board* PS: Pics of me below! I like the Halloween pics. Pic of 

me and the guy in question in ATL folder real name Archie... All names 

changed to protect the innocent... IM me anytime. When do I get to see a pic 

of Cool Hy? Hehehe. Smooches. Laterz.

Love Ya Alwayz and Forever K,


Oh Rosie… what are you doing?

You listed three reasons why you two aren’t hooking up and bumping uglies and seeing movies and having picnics and being a real life couple. Well, two of them are sheer nonsense. One and Ex becomes an Ex he or she have NO say in what you do anymore… especially when there are no children in the equation… so forget about that.

But the first reason, distance… well, that’s all the reason you need.

He’s in New York, you’re in Miami… now, I’m sure the dude is sweeter than Valentine’s Day chocolate with you, but this sounds like you’re his Long Distance Toy. If he isn’t talking about doing something long term with you, then he’s running around NYC telling his friends that he has himself some Florida ass that he likes to tap from time to time. You are his guaranteed travel-fuck… 

Hell, I know guys… being one helps with that. You are perfect pussy to him. You can’t monitor him, you can’t watch him, he doesn’t have to explain himself to you. He can go and do whatever and WHOMever he wants and not worry about you finding out. Then he can pin whatever tale he wants to over the phone with you.

But you say he’s actually pretty open with you… so maybe you are just a mature female fuck-buddy to him? A friend… a confidant… someone he can talk to. Someone whom he can say anything to without pissing her off. Actually, this sounds like more of the case. He isn’t taking you seriously because you aren’t putting out that vibe. He’s totally comfortable with your relationship as is… when a guy is comfortable, he doesn’t tend to analyze it. He just lets it happen.

You’re in Miami, he’s in New York. Do you REALLY want to move across the country for him? Is he REALLY worth it? Miami’s a huge city FILLED with good looking people (better looking than those New Yorkers). Stop moving your ass all over the country for some dude and let the dudes come to YOU. I’ve seen your picture, you are a hottie.

And I WOULD IM you baby, but you’re always on mobile. IM ME, I am, after all, Hyatte. I NEVER make the first move, it’s beneath me.

Be his friend, be his fuck buddy, have your fun, but don’t pine for him. Girl like you should have the boys pining for YOU.

Hmm… tempted by another girl from Florida… do I take the chance again… man, Rosie, I hope you’re not aspiring to be a Librarian.

And here’s a little extra-advice… “Ro-Lo” is a chocolate ball filled with caramel… not QUITE the sort of nick-name you should try to get going for yourself.

Here's my problem. I'm 19 years old. I attend Michigan State University. I'm doing well in all of my classes and all of that good bullshit. 

Here's the thing though. I don't have any friends because I'm too shy and I'm afraid of how people will react to me. I've been trying to make friends, (you know, I have gotten a few numbers here and there) but I really don't have anybody to hang out with. I don't want to join a club because none of the stuff that my college offers interests me. 

My biggest problem is that I'm shy around girls (especially girls) and I don't know how to talk to girls. Whenever somebody asks me if I've had a g/f, I say no. And they give me this really shocked look like really, you look too good not to have a g/f. And then we talk about how hard it is for me to open up to girls and stuff. 

I don't think girls find me attractive. I'm 5'6, 145lbs, black hair, and I have brown eyes. I don't think I'm ugly, I just don't think girls would go for me if they saw me in the club or just walking down the street. I don't know what to do Hyatte. It's so hard for me to open up to girls, because I'm so afraid of how they will react to me or if I'll say something dumb. 

I usually eat lunch by myself on campus, because I don't want to upset anyone or piss anyone off by sitting at their table. Everyone says that it's so easy for people to make friends at College and just don't buy it. I grew up getting made fun of in high school because I can't fight and because I listen to Cash Money Records. It's easy for me to talk to males. I'll just go up to them and say, "Hey, did you see the Pistons game" and we'll start talking, but whenever I see a girl that I want to talk to, she's usually walking with someone or talking to someone, and I'm thinking to myself, "I don't wanna be rude, so just let them walk past you". I'm really nervous around girls. Ask anyone and they'll tell you that I've always had problems opening up towards them because I'm so shy and fragile towards them. The more I read magazines and books with all of these beautiful girls in it, I think to myself, "Damn I wish I had a g/f", or why didn't I approach that hot looking chick. I would like to have a g/f, but the thing is, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS LIKE REGULAR GUYS DO. Everybody makes it look so easy, but it's always a challenge for me. I was wondering if you could e-mail me an answer instead of putting this letter in one of your columns. Thanks, that would be great. Any advice you can give me is welcome with open arms. I think it's great that people know that there's somebody out there like you who can help people with their personal problems. You truly are a guiding light for alot of people. Bye.


Oh for…

Talk to girls online for a year and learn how easy they are to communicate with… then look in the fucking mirror, say, “I’m not THAT bad.” And get to work.

Oh, and aim your sights lower… go for fat chicks. Stop lusting over the real cute bunnies, you have no chance. SETTLE FOR SOME UGLY MONKEY. They’ll do some WILD stuff to you.

That’s the problem with television… we watch so much of it that we forget that the world isn’t as pretty as the people on TV. We watch actors so much that we think WE can hook up with Eliza Dushku or Jennifer Aniston. You have to get real.

Look, it’s no secret I drool over Trish Stratus… and I talk to a Stratus imposter online, and it’s fun to pretend, even for the few moments it takes to jack-off, that I have a shot at her… but I don’t… I never will… and I accept that. Don’t have to LIKE it, but I accept it.

You’ll never get the supermodel… so either settle for normal or die a miserable cherry.

Yo, Hi8, I could use a no BS take- I'll try and keep the context brief for you.

I'm a student, I live in a flat with two girls, Laura and Aimee. I ended up in this situation since both me and Aimee were friends of Laura, rather than me and Aimee knowing each other particularly well. After a few teething problems between me and Aimee, we've actually become pretty tight. They're both great girls, and are admittedly both hot.

As for me, I'm not Casanova- I've got more female friends than male, but I'm always more brother than lover. People don't look at me and swoon, and I've pretty much tried to compensate for that by being a decent guy. As such, I'm a bit of a pussy, especially when it comes to the two girls- I know I've got a good thing going living with them, and I don't want to go rocking the boat too much.

Pretty obvious where this is going- I'm thinking about seeing if Aimee's interested in any more than friendship, but there's an added twist- I've only really got friendly with her this year, after having caused a major argument with Laura back in December, when I told her I loved her. I knew it was a dumb idea at the time (everyone I turned to told me so), you only need to look at us to know how far out my league she is, but all the time she didn't know, I was losing sleep, and I went places in my mind I didn't want to go. It was very selfish of me to put my feelings first, but in retrospect, I know how I felt at the time, and I'm sure it was still the best thing to do, despite the arguing.

So we come to now, and I'm looking at Aimee in a different way. It's not how I felt for Laura- for Laura, I fell for her personality, whilst seeing her pull a succession of guys who cared only how she looked. I was intimidated by how hot Aimee was the very first time I saw her, and now we're closer, I've told her that, it's one of the reasons it took so long for us to make any headway as friends. But now she's talking about getting desperate for Mr. Right- a friend who she sleeps with casually, ideally. There's no questioning any more that we're close friends, but I just don't know whether the risk of trying that jump, given the history, is worth it.

I'm moving out in August anyway, so part of me is thinking "Why the hell not?", but based on the history, the trouble it could cause if I'm wrong would be more than it's worth. What's your take?



You ain’t getting either. And if you go for Aimee after trying for Laura, you’ll just piss both of them off more and make yourself look like a damn fool.

If she had any romantic inkling towards you, she would have snuggled up to you in your bed late at night and invite your to start kanoodling her. Maybe you two have snuggled up together… maybe you did kanoodle… but since you aren’t screaming, “I banged her silly, Hyatte!!” then kanoodle is all you noodled.

It’s too late. She’s your friend and that’s it. In her eyes, you might as well have a vagina.

Sorry bro’… but any move you make other than ignoring your lustful fantasies will just end up with you alone, rejected, and damned pissed.

Need some advice on a matter with the ladies. First let me give you some basic information. I'm 24, got out of a 9 month relationship and find myself ready to get into a friendship which could lead to a relationship. Here is where the problem lies. I met a girl who is a little younger than me (however her level of maturity is that of a 25 year old). She isn't into the whole clubbing scene and has a down to earth personality. We've gone out and she explained to me how she got out of a year long relationship and doesn't want to hop into anything serious. Now, talking with her coworkers they told me that she is interested in me so I'm thinking everything is gold. The problem is the last few times I've called her I've gotten her voicemail and not once got a call back. The first time she did this was the Friday before last, when I saw her at work the following Monday she seemed like everything was cool and still interested in going out this coming weekend (going to see the Graduate). I decided to just let it slide since she has a busy schedule (2 jobs, summer classes, bowling league and play rehearsals). Well, I tried again this weekend and again no call backs. Should I just let this slide or should I take it as a hint that she's not interested?

One last thing ... while I'm interested in this girl I found out that the girl who waxes my eyebrows (yeah I get them done f-ck all of you) wants me and fantasizes about me, Hyatte if you want I can send you some of the AOL convos we had and I think I've got a couple of the pics she sent you might like them. What's funny is she doesn't remember me from high school (I changed a lot since then) and in fact blew me off in high school and now she wants me. The "old me" (2-3 years ago) would bang her and leave her but I really don't want to do that anymore. Well, what do think? On one hand I've got a girl I'm interested in who sometimes seems interested sometimes isn't and then I've one who I'd bang but wouldn't want anything more to do with her.



You’ve got 2 girls here.

The first one is completely absorbed with herself. She doesn’t even have the courtesy of returning a phone call. That says low-class AND an over-inflated ego. She does NOT have tha maturity level of a 25 year old… 25 year olds, for the most part, tend to act like adults, not snotty “Look at how wonderful I am for having 2 jobs, summer school, a play, and a great 7-10 split… plus I stick a broom up my ass and clean up while I’m doing all this!” She has the maturity level of a young girl who thinks that tight body and wrinkle-free face will be around forever. 

The second girl is an easy lay. Tap it, live out a high school fantasy, and stop being a putz, putz.

By the way, let me guess, you know the first girl has those two jobs, acting stuff, and bowling league because she BRAGGED about it. She’s a dragon slayer… some girls, a lot of them, actually, LOVE to go on and on about how tough their life is and how they are OVERCOMING… hear enough of it and you want to stick forks in your ears. Avoid these girls… because if you hook up with them and then have a bad break-up, you’ll be added to their list of things they overcame. You’ll be reduced to a statistic that they’ll happily brag about sharing to the NEXT sucker who has to listen to them drone. 

Oh, and this isn't a question for "guide to life" per se, but I figure it could fill space if you need it to: You mention being "prepared to live a lonely life"... As one who thinks I might be heading down that path myself (and not being all whiney & sad about it), I wonder what you think one must to do be "prepared" for such a thing... It'd be nice to know if I'm deluding myself or if I'm heading down the right road..



Only one sure fire way…

Enjoy your own company. Enjoy your solitude. 

But this is all genetic, I think. I have friends who get antsy if they don’t have anything to do on a Friday night. They start calling everyone on their cell phone looking for something to do, some place to go. They can’t believe it when I say “No, I’m staying home.” But I’m totally comfortable at home… plus I get to play dress-up and pretend I’m Miss Argentina in the Miss Universe Pageant.

There is no preparation, really. You just have to accept the fact that no one will miss you.

And finally…

I'm a twenty year old college student, for the past year or so I was seeing an underage girl (15) and towards the end of our relationship I was sleeping with a twenty-year old girl on the side. The twenty year old earlier in the month threatened to kill herself and for awhile I thought she did. Then at the beginning of this past week I found out she was alive and well and have a few interesting conversations to say the least. Also, the now sixteen year old desided this past week was a good week to screw with my head. This week is the week my best friend leaves to fight in Iraq for a year so I'm a tad bit stressed to begin with. So the sixteen year old breaks it off with me and the twenty year old is telling me she had a miscarriage of someone else's baby. Then she later tells me, she and sixteen year old have been talking and I'm the father of her baby and she really didn't have a miscarriage. I think they're both playing me, trying to get me to admit my crime of statotory rape. Of course I won't. (well outside this letter) I'm thinking of slapping frivolous harassment suit charges against them to get them to back off. Both women are crazy and they picked the best week possible to screw with me, since it's the only time they'd catch me with my guard down.


Cross your fucking fingers and wait a couple of months to see if she starts swelling up.

You slap a harassment charge on either of them and EVERYONE you know… family AND friends… will know that you are, by law and in the court of public opinion, a pedofile…

More good news… if you are convicted of statutory rape, you’ll probably ave to spend the rest of your life telling your neighbors, no matter where you move to, that you are a convicted child molester. It’s called “Megan’s Law”

You better PRAY that they are just fucking with you, my friend… because your life will never be the same if she’s really knocked up.


And no more column, For God’s sakes! Whew!

Okay then… I’ll pop in on Thursday with… well, I haven’t the foggiest idea. I have been informed that Vince McMahon will be sending in a sub to bat for him. I have Flea. I have Widro REALLY pissed at someone. I have reading material. I have… PORN!!!

And I have rasslin’ news. I’ll have stuff.

I also have a headache… I blame YOU.


This is Hyatte.