The Midnight News 07.22.04 

Posted by Hyatte on 07.22.2004 

ROH vs Teddy Hart, Low Ki, Smackdown, Vince, The Perfect Man, Ricky Morton, Dave Meltzer Lies, Honky Tonk Man, and Advice 

Oh dear... I'm late.

I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News Omega. Let's roll...


Or something...

Without the tender, gentle, well-manicured hand of resident fagola Rob Feinstein to guide the Ring of Honor federation, things are getting awfully.... NASTY with the company.

For instance... Teddy Hart, who is the current Indy wiseass who is nowhere near as cool as he thinks he is, is trying to get his little company, called H2W up and running.... but since this is 'RASSLIN at it's lowest form, poor Teddy is being BESIEGED by bullies!

For example, last June, the 26th to be exact, Hart had booked a H2W show in Boston! A fun time was to be had by ALL!!

Ring of Honor... which PRIDES itself on pure, no-bullshit wrestling, decided that they didn't LIKE the idea of Teddy Hart running a show in Boston... so they called the building and said, "Do you like to make money? Well then don't work with that broke-ass Teddy Hart!" ROH also explained that Hart has more enemies than OJ Simpson and if you book his show, you WILL have incidents!"

So they canceled.

Now Hart WOULD march up to ROH's headquarters and kick some FLAMING ass, but ROH has an ace up their sleeve... a fellow named "Homicide", who is a really big Indy deal! Teddy is pissed out SCARED of Homicide and prefers to stay at least one state away from him at all times.

So, in the endless cycle of bullies getting bullied.... ROH gets pants by TNA, so they go ahead and pants Teddy Hart. Sort of like how I can't really do anything to Dave Meltzer so I make fun of Rick Scaia instead.

You know, whenever you find yourself wondering just how Vince McMahon managed to get filthy rich, just consider what kind of morons he is competing with. These people really are fucking CHILDREN 

In OTHER ROH news:

He is the silent, but deadly ring master who strikes FEAR in the hearts of his opponents, and any former Diva who takes his seat, (see: Sytch, Tammy)

He is Independant GOD, Low Ki! He doesn't like to speak. He HATES promos! He prefers to do his talking IN THE RING and stiff the living FUCK out of whoever gets in his way!!

Well, I'm slightly off... he likes do do a LOT of talking... when it comes to finagling a nice CONTRACT for himself, he talks like a muthfukk.

So do YOU think Low Ki is worth $1500 an appearence? Well, that's how much he's charging ROH for his services!


When asked for comment, former ROH co-owner said, "$1500??? Holy crap! Imagine how many SpongeBob Squarepants merchandise I could get with that kind'a loot!! The FUCK is Gabe thinking!!"


Smackdown made more moves that Raw in establishing their SummerSlam line-up. Oh, and there is a small but OBVIOUS shout out to ME, and more importantly, And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H. See Chapter Six: The Modern Day Warrior.

Oh, and Vince is back! But this time, he's on OUR side!

Over at TNA, mass confusion still rules the day as ANYONE who misses a single PPV has no frickin' clue WHAT the storylines are... all thanks to the gifted storytelling skills of hairy back Dutch Mantel... who can't go a day without getting some sort of crumbs in his beard.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo is getting DAMN SICK AND TIRED of people blaming HIM for this show. No one in... "creative"... is LISTENING TO HIM, PEOPLE!! THIS IS NOT HIS FAULT!!

That's all I got. 


For those who were wondering...

WWEMcMac: It's interesting to note that no one believes that I'm who I say I am

Hyatte1com: Well, you could mention my name on television.

WWEMcMac: Or I could enjoy the anonymity as it stands

Hyatte1com: You could, yes.

WWEMcMac: People can just choose to have faith or choose not to. Great religions are thriving on that very premise.

So there you go.

Look. It's him. I know my word isn't much to go on, but you gotta trust me. I was fooled ONCE. I'm too smart to be fooled twice.

Anyway, he's got somerthing for us this week, and I have to say, it's INCREDIBLE!!


The House Loses...

Hello, my little mouth-breathers 

Time. Time is a slippery animal. It can be a loyal, complacent servant eager to bow fully to your needs, or it can be a vicious creature cornering you, ready to pounce, ready to feed. For those of you with active, busy lives (quite the minority here, I'm confident), you are well aware that time is unlimited in it's power and unbridled in its demands. Time cannot be tamed; it can only be used by only the brightest of minds and the most determined of wills. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

For me, time and I are usually relentless adversaries. I always want more than she is willing to give, but like with any good relationship, we compromise. We reach an agreement. It is an endless barter, a furious negotiation. 

My compromise is a hefty one. I cannot remember the last vacation I took. I have only the barest recollection of plopping down on a sofa and enjoying a movie with my loved ones. The finest meals I've ever had within the last twenty years have been marred with frequent glancing at my Rolex. Time is waiting. There is business to conduct. Always.

Yet I find time to write this. Why? Because there is the rationalization that its good for the overall product. If the few precious moments I spend dictating my focused thoughts to Lauren, my Executive Assistant reaches just one of you, then that single soul will become a fan for life, and devote a generous amount of his earnings towards my company. I have little doubt that the majority of you are woefully sad, emotionally stunted toilet mites, but there must be some out there with their eyes and ears opened. There must be potential out there amongst the piffle.

It is a risky endeavor, challenging time to give in to this oh-so slight dice roll, but as I shall explain, rolling the dice is essential to anyone with wonder in their eyes, ambition in their hearts, and an all-consuming thirst for success.

While filtering through the utter and complete excrement that you utter and complete imbeciles sent into my mailbox this past week (do any of you have any sort of pride in your work?), I stumbled across this heartfelt note that gave me hope - just a glimmer - that there might be some of you worth speaking to. I shall include his name without qualm, for he is one who should take pride that he rose above the sewage of brain dead sloth-meat and actually caught my divided attention. If Mr. Hyatte, who is a risky proposition in his own right, would be so kind as to highlight the ensuing text, it would be greatly appreciated:

Dear Sir, I have finished university, first in my class, a honoured scholar. I have finished magna cum laude in law school and am one of the youngest internationally published legal authors around. But I just don't *feel* like a success? Given your meteoric rise to the top, do you have any advice for someone gunning for the top?

Kind Regards 

Brian Foley, LL.B, Barrister at Law

Witness! One with the grapefruits to access this impressive opportunity!

Well, Mr Foley (and I'm afraid that any and all referential jokes involving WWE Superstar Mick Foley shall be set aside, I'm afraid you obnoxious boors will simply do without), allow me to spin a tale - one filled with as much drama and thrills as a typical edition of Smackdown, but this happened to be completely improvised.

When I purchased the WWWF and turned it into the more attractive WWF, I had a vision. My vision was to assemble the line-up of true, cutting edge talent, both old and new, and showcase them on the grandest stage possible. The goal, naturally, was to establish professional wrestlers as true entertainment icons by placing them front and center with other superstars of stage and screen. The goal was to blur the lines of show business until the average Joe Lunchpail (this means either you or your father, unless you were hatched from a genetically deficient egg, which I suspect many of you were) stopped degrading my stars as simply "wrestlers" and started thinking of them as "Entertainers".

The dream, of course, was realized. It is cemented in the lore of popular culture and of Americana as "Wrestlemania".

And I made no profit from the event proper. Not a dime. Every dollar went back into the accrued debts that such a venture demanded. Every entertainer's contract was met, every one of my superstar's paycheck was cleared, every closed circuit vendor was monetarily satisfied. Everyone involved made quite the killing from the event, except for me.

Yet it was the happiest night of my life. Because before that evening, I had the land, the tools, the labor, and the desire. All that was missing was the cows to milk. After Wrestlemania, the cows came home and they were fat with the most succulent milk of all - the milk of money. The cows came from all over and demanded that we take their gold right from their generous teets. 

You were the cows, and you mooed for me. You have yet to stop mooing for me.

But, Mr. Foley, it could have all backfired. Had Wrestlemania been a bust, I would have lost it all. There were no coffers to draw from, no loose sofa change to pick for. I had literally had to borrow from Paul to pay Peter whom I had borrowed to pay Mary whom I had to beg in order to pay for Jane. The number of lenders I wined, dined, and pleaded with could have filled a small town. I would have bankrupted myself out of the business, and left out to rot with barely my underwear left. It was the gamble to end all gambles. It was the single biggest roll of the dice ever taken, one that everyone told me not to take.

But, by God, I threw those dice. I laid every dream I ever had on that one single roll. I put it all on a mere shake of my fist. 

And to this day it's still paying off! 

Do you understand, Brian? The one single key bit of advice I have for you is to pick your spot, set the day you will walk up to that table, take every single step you feel you need to prepare, walk up to that table with your head held up high, your mind a steel trap of concentration, take those dice in your sweaty hand, and throw them with glee, with delight, with abandon.

Moxie. You need moxie, my boy. You need testicles the size of grapefruits and you need the unfaltering confidence to roll the dice. Do you have moxie? Or will you be like all the other mindless, gutless life-sucking leeches reading this life lesson with drool flowing out of their gaping maws? I pray not.

It also helps to build your empire by catering to the dullards of society. 

For 60 minutes, two of the brightest superstars in Sport's Entertainment will risk it all and compete in the unforgiving Iron Man Match. Finally, it will be decideded who's has the will to go all the way: Raw Heavyweight Champion Chris Benoit or Evolution Leader, "The Game" Triple H? Find out this Monday on "Monday Night Raw"

And that's my Attack

What can I say? Other than to PLEASE mail him at Cram his mailbox. Force him to defy time for you. 

I really think he's getting a kick out of this.


It's better than VH1's I Love the 80's

It's cooler than singing ELO on karaoke.

FINALLY, you can take those old pin-ups out from storage and SLAM them back on your wall!!

Ricky Morton is BACK!! And he's ready to show YOU how to be CUTTING EDGE, BABY!!!

Ricky Morton Sets Clinic for September!

NWA Championship Wrestling will host a 3-day training camp with Ricky Morton 

at the National Guard Armory in Kingsport, TN September 16 - 18for $200.

Thursday, September 16 @ 12 pm, participants will train in the ring with Ricky Morton. Championship Wrestling will provide dinner that night for participants of the camp.

Friday, September 17 @ 5 pm, the participants will again train with Ricky Morton. Then at 8 pm, camp students will compete on a Championship Wrestling event.

Saturday, September 18 @ Noon, Ricky Morton will watch the tape of the previous night's event with the students & give feedback.

September 18 @ 8 pm, the best 4 students in the camp, selected by Ricky Morton, will compete in a special tag team match & the rest of the students will compete in a battle royal on Championship Wrestling's biggest event of the year, "Championship Wrestling's Night of the Dragon" featuring Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Ricky Morton & many others.

Thanks to Pro Wrestling Daily for the info, and if they're looking for a link... heh, blow me.

Of course, I have MORE info than what's been offically announced, I have an actual BREAKDOWN of the classes being offered:


12 noon: Stretching and endurance training! You jump up and down like a monkey while Morton smokes and makes sure all your checks clear. Those who pay cash get to run to the nearest liquor store for Ricky's beer.

2 pm: Rest easy as Ricky explains how everyone screwed him over. 

5 pm: How to sell a double dropkick finisher without laughing.

6 pm: Dinner. Cheese pizza's on Ricky's dime! YOU pay for the pepperoni

8 pm: Ricky demonstrates how any 40 year old delusional hag can look like a 19 year old rat with just the right amount of whiskey! This is on-the-spot training.

9 pm: Class dismissed as Ricky has to go to work at the Sunoco station.


12 noon: Is Vince McMahon Satan Incarnate? Ricky says yes and had proof.

2 pm: How to grow a mullet and make it WORK!

3 pm: Who's Gay in the business? Ricky has the list.

4 pm: How to avoid getting sued by Jim Cornette for calling him gay.

5 pm: Scarves, pastels, and spandex: Be ready for their eventual comeback... MORTON STYLE!

6 pm: Dinner. You go get Ricky's beer while he robs his nearest McDonalds


Special seminar. Sit back and relax as Ricky recounts how it all fell apart because his tag partner Robert Gibson was worthless. Special guest lecturer, Robert Gibson.

For $200, this is a STEAL... especially if you pay in advance, then Morton will have enough time to get out of town before you show up!



*Without the existence of owls, snakes, and cats, rats and mice would outnumber humans by a ratio of 500'000'000 to 1.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform. Speaking of which...


THIS is Michelangelo's "David". Sculpted sometime between 1501 and 1504, it is Michelangelo's representation of the perfect man.

Note the finely honed chest, the well-defined abdominals, the taut, ropy muscles. They say that Michelangelo was channeling the vision of God when he sculpted David. Indeed, this is the perfect male.

Now look at that tiny little penis. Go ahead, you fags... this is ART!

Now, it's well known that Michelangelo was a homo... actually, it isn't that well known, but he IS Italian and, of course, all Italians are homos... so it's safe to say that Michelangelo saw a LOT of different penises... all shapes and sizes.

Yet he used a LITTLE one as the perfect embodiment of man. I mean... LOOK at that nub.

My point? My point IS that forget all that porn you've seen, where dopey hulks with eight inches choke out some hot girl. Forget all your asshole friends bragging about their sizes. Forget the hype and the bullshit and the "size DOES matter, tee hee" cracks from wise-ass ex-girlfriends!

My point: the Perfect Man only needs about 5 inches. Anything else is just showing off.

So be proud of your tiny tinkle!

HOWEVER, the perfect man should NOT have that fruity curly hair like David has. That went out after The Brady Bunch left the air.

FIVE INCHES IS ALL YOU NEED!!! Just be skilled at foreplay. That's what girls rank us on anyway. It's all about building up to it. Get her worked up enough and she won't care if you use your pinkie finger.

Now don't you feel better?

And speaking of sex...


Since I'm fairly sick and tired of all this "Ric Flair says (insert name) sucks" hoopla for the time being, I thought I'd point this out...

Dave Meltzer, the shephard who tells all of you douchebags what to do, well, he's TORN, TORN I say, over this whole Flair/Hart dilemma! His brain says Bret but his HEART, his HEART say Flair! He loves them BOTH, EQUALLY like a father loves his children! But which one is the best? Which one does he love more? WHO IS THE BEST WRESTLER IN AMERICAN WRESTLING ACCORDING TO DAVE MELTZER???

Actually, neither:

The best worker in the US... and it sure ain't Bret Hart. It's Sabu. - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 1995 

Why! That ass kissing LIAR!! THIS IS WHO YOU ALL LISTEN TO?? HIM?? 

And that's not all! I found some OTHER Meltzer quotes from Observers past!

Rob Feinstein wouldn't do anything to disgrace the business. - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 2001 

Wade Keller sucks donkey balls - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 1991 

9 times out of 10, Scott Keith is right on the money - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 1999 

WCW will end up destroying the WWF - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 1997 

If Vince McMahon doesn't end up in jail for tax evasion, I'll retire forever - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 1992

I'm don't see how the Rock can ever go beyond mid-card status - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 1998 

It's all a work, Owen's alive. - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 1999

The Internet will never replace the Hotline! - Meltzer, in his Observer Newsletter: 1995 

Oh yeah, he's our leader.

You're all retards


I realize that MOST of you readers couldn't give a crapola about Widro bitching about a fellow 411 writer... especially since I don't even name the guy. 

But it's ALL worth it just to hear Widro tell me who went running to him asking "Is it me?"

Widro: it was really low class of (NAME DELETED) to come back after months of flaking on his column just to bash half the site.

The weird thing is, Widro's been bitching like this about his staff for YEARS.... I'm just the one who found a way to make it interesting column filler!

Now I have to go research this guy's last few columns to see if I'M part of "half the site" that got bashed.... and Heaven help the no-talent rat fuck if I am... heaven help him.

I smell a MAJOR housecleaning coming.


I was directed to a few websites that hold these, and when I do "Across the Boards" (soon to alternate with the Book Club thing as a regular feature) I'll look for some... 

But what I want from YOU GUYS are OBSCURE quotes... if you're old enough, hit me with some stuff you recall from the 70's or something. 

Think of it like this... I've got all the Bobby Heenan and Jerry Lawler quotes that I can handle. Think OUTSIDE the box, if you can. Thanks!

KILLER line-up this week. A WIDE variety of stuff from many, many different people. Yes.

01): Is Fairfax NWO country?

(Crowd Cheers)

Well we don't give a shit!- Buff Bagwell: WCW house show '97

02): What kind of matches are you gonna ask for next? A shark-tank match? Where the only way to win to stuff your opponent in a shark's mouth, and then pin the shark?- Kurt Angle

03): Rikishi ... you did it ... for the ROCK ... you did it for the people ... you did it f--OH SHUT THE HELL UP YOU THONG-WEARING FATTY!- The Rock

04): Come on JR you know Eddie's right about RVD stealing his move. I mean who was the first person to use the frog splash in the WWF!

D'lo Brown.

Who?- Lawler and Ross: Backlash 2002

05): Gene, don't blame ss...yer...don't blame Canada, blame yourself.- Major Gunns

I got a pole you can ride your flag on a little later- "Mean" Gene Okerlund: Starrcade 2000. 

06): For those that don't speak Hulk-a-manic that means: "please dont fuck my daughter"- Someone from VH1's Best Week Ever

07): Sex is the most beautiful, natural thing that money can buy.- Jerry Lawler

08): (sniff sniff) That fear I smell on you, boy?- Angel (of Da Baldies)

No, it's your mom - I just got off of her about 10 minutes ago!- Raven

09): Regal ... you may have the power of the punch ... but I got ... the power of the ASS. - Rikishi

10): This handicapped match has turned into a 2-on-1 affair!- Michael Cole.

11): By now all the little warriors know that the power of The Ultimate Warrior is something that you want to feel, that you want to taste. It’s something that when you turn on that TV screen or when you buy tickets in those arenas you know that it’s gonna be exciting and it might even be a little bit frightening because sometimes it becomes hard to breathe. Well little warriors take a big deep breath because Legends weren’t built overnight and legends don’t fall easy. There’s been one legend, Hercules, that you’ve seen me do combat with. He’s fallen before the Ultimate Warrior like all the warriors before. I make a promise to all you little Warriors that this man right here, 290 pounds of blood guts and fury is not gonna let you down in the WWF. All the evil in the WWF can come face to face and look me eye to eye… they’re going down! 

The Ultimate Warrior he fears no-one in the World Wrestling Federation. And he plans to tale care of all the evil right here in the WWF.- Ultimate Warrior and Sean Mooney: WWF TV, 1988 

12): How much does he pay you to sing the praises of him all the time?

Who, the Hitman?


Do you know how long he's been in the World Wrestling Federation?

Too long.

He'll be here when you're gone, Brain.

What'd you hear?- Heenan and Monsoon

13): Well Ken Shamrock is an incredible athlete. Unfortunately for him he's an American!- Owen Hart

14): I'd like to show all the ske...ske...skeptics, can I please start again?

Sorry pal, its live!

I'm sorry.- Sid Justice and Jim Ross on live TV.

15): WHAT?!- the audience

Say WHAT?! if you like to have sex with your mother.- Undertaker

WHAT?!- the audience

Oooo... SNAP! Taker puts the lemmings IN THEIR PLACE!!

How about that Sid, huh? God bless 'im.

Isn't it about that time? Time to pack it in? Oh, why not? We had some fun, shared a few laughs, listened to Vince McMahon, made ourselves feel better over our little johnsons, met a cute little french girl... all in all, a complete column!

So why don't I overkill the damn thing, as usual!


Yes, the Honky Tonk Man still has a website! The only problem is that he rarely posts anything!

However, with all the Ric Flair love being thrown about lately, I thought it would be neat to hear Honky say a few words about the Nature Boy! Not about the BOOK, oh no... this is taken from last April, after Flair bitched to someone about how regular folks (that would be you and me) used the SACRED terminology of the business! Well, Honky didn't much care for Flair's TONE... and offered up this: 

Seems the old Nature Boy got hot around the collar when a reporter was using "inside" terminology while interviewing the washed up old shit bag. 

Flair you have no one to blame but yourself for people being smart to the business. You have had the same match that consisted of the front face bump, flip up over the top turn buckle, run down the apron, climb up to the top rope and get slammed while bracing your fall with your right arm for the last 30 years. 

If that wasn't enough, you put your skinny, bag of bones son on TV. He must have weighed 160 lbs. soaking wet and could not wrestle his way out of a paper bag. 

And you call your book writer an idiot! Give me a break Flair. The biggest idiot is you. The people who read these dip shit books want to read a story as if it was happening on the inside, not some made up bullshit like Chester the Molester Jacko Jerry put out. 

By the way Flair, did you help with Arn's drug and alcohol rehab bill? If he had not had his head so far up your ass for the last 25 years as he followed you to every cowboy club on earth for your "whooo" party tonight Arn bullshit, he might not have needed rehab!

Wow... looks like Bret has at least ONE supporter!

But it's not like Honky has a bad thing to say about EVERYONE... it's clear that, so long as you're respectful, he'll be more than happy to let bygones be bygones! For example: 

HTM and Mick Foley have settled their differences. In a backstage meeting Friday July 2nd at the Butler, PA Fair, HTM and Mick sat down for a chat. We were able to be civilized toward each other and both came away with a great amount of respect for one another.

There you go! Happily, the HONKY TONK MAN/ MICK FOLEY BLOODFEUD has been HALTED! *Whew...

At least now Mick can rest easy... FINALLY, the man can have a full night's sleep! His feud with HTM has been settled!

I wonder if Mick even knew he was in a bloodwar with the HTM?

Ya know what I like best about the HTM? DO YOU?

I like the fact that after Wrestlemania III, where Rick Steamboat and Randy Savage put on one of the greatest matches of all times, and Steamboat won the IC title, and it looked like the title will FINALLY be one of the most prestigeous prizes in ALL of wrestling... and every Steamboat defense could have been an EVENT.... Honky comes in with his guitar, smashes Steamboat with it, and wins the damn belt not hardly a month later, and then proceeds to spend the next YEAR or so defending it on nothing but guitar shots and that silly "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" finisher... his whole title run completely pissed on Steamboat's dramatic win! It was Vince's way of telling pure wrestling fans to go hump themselves!

And for that, I say GOD BLESS YOU, MR. MCMAHON! (well, for that and for contributing to my column... of course)

NOW are we done? Sure, why not! I mean, I DO have some Advice stuff here, but some of you are too COOL for that... so you can go now. Go away, I'm done with you. Bye bye.

This is Hyatte

Right then...

After these four letters, I'll be down to TWO... so now is the time to get prompt responses!

For this first letter, we have Good News and Bad news. The GOOD NEWS is that it's from a GIRL and it involves DEVIANT sex.... the BAD news is that for the second consecutive week in a row, I dumped the damn letter before pasting it on wordpad... SOOO, rather than ask her to send it AGAIN... I'll just do my best to imitate her letter and give her the advice.

Sorry baby, ma'am. Your letter was just too damn HOT for me to keep my head clear! You got me all CRAZY!


I am a 25 year old Philly bartender who has been happily married for a short time. In order to add a little something extra to our marriage, my husband and I have been spicing up our lovelife in some unusual ways. We've role-played, tied each other up, bondage games... etc. It's not something I'm particularly used to, but I find it rather exciting.

My husband has started to ask me about having a threesome. he hasn't been insistent, but the subject has come up. At first he brought it up casually, but he's starting to seriously discuss it.

The problem is, he wants the third party to be his best friend.

The second problem is, I'm not so sure I'd be comfortable with this. As I said, I'm not all that experienced with this, I haven't had as many lovers as my husband has had. But I don't want to disappoint him.

So what do you suggest I do?


Well, sorry if I skipped anything majorly important, I'm pretty sure I got the gist in.

This sounds a LOT like one of those Cinemax After Hours movies. It's enough to make me wonder how legit it is... but what the hell, let's roll with it.

There are a few things I should mention here. One is that kinkyness, by its very nature, can only evolve. The kink, when first introduced, is exciting and intoxic and thrilling. But, just like regular sex with the same person, even the kink can get boring. 

So, when the thrill of kinky is gone, its only natural to get more and more... umm.... experimental. You increase the kinkyness. Then THAT'LL get boring. So you increase it some more. Then THAT'LL get boring. Then you either accept the fact that you've gone as far as your comfort level will allow with the heavy stuff, or you go BEYOND your comfort level.

A threesome is beyond your comfort level. 

Another tning you should know is that I am willing to bet ANYTHING that your husband's friend is the one pushing to get into the sack with the both of you. HE'S the one doing the asking! He thought you were hot to begin with, but now that your husband has told him about how crazy you are in the sack, he's practically DROOLING for you now. 

And rest assured, he knows what you two are up to. Probably not in exact detail, but he knows that you like to play.

I don't know... I'd be quite pissed if I were you. You say you're happily married, but from your letter it looks like your husband is dangling you in front of his friend, inviting him to play with his toy. Sharing the wealth, so to speak.

What you need to do is take control of the situation. Tell your husband that you'll be more than happy to have a three-way with his friend, but first you need to take his friend on IN PRIVATE and ONE ON ONE... the husband can't be sitting in the corner with his pants down around his ankles while you get nasty with his friend. Make that the rule... no 3somes until you sample the goods on your own. See what he does.

He SHOULD say no... that SHOULD kill the topic right there and then, forever.

Actually, he SHOULD (if I know my gender) say, "Okay, but I get to do the same with any new girls you want to bring into the bed with us!" To that you say, "Nope." He'll call you a hypocrite. You shoot back, "Well, I don't WANT anyone else in our bedroom! This is YOUR idea, not mine. You want this, that's my rule!"

Now THAT should cover the bases quite nicely.

Unfortunately, he may agree. Then you just have to put your foot down. If he gets insistent, then it may be time to speak to a lawyer and get the fuck OUT. I know that's pretty harsh advice from me, seeing how I don't know your husband and he very well may be a sweetheart, but you are SUPPOSED to be the most important thing in his life... and if something he wants makes you feel uncomfortable, then he should HAPPILY forget about it. 

I GUARANTEE this is his friend's idea. 

If I helped with this, you owe me a night of free drinks... and maybe, if you find yourself single again one day, perhaps a demonstration of how kinky you can be! Wouldn't that be fun!

1) Alright, here's the deal. I've been dating this girl for about a month and a half and she's head over heels in love with me. She's smart, beautiful, funny, and will do anything to make me happy. All of her friends like me and her family has basically adopted me as one of their own. She lives about 45 minutes away but refuses to let me come and pick her up and her house because she says that she knows that I have a stressful job (a social worker) and I do more than enough driving during the day. The sex is great and she basically worships the ground I walk on. 

It sounds like I'm living the dream so what's the problem? Well...first off, she told me loved me two weeks into the relationship. She's referred to my brother as her brother-in-law and has made mention that her friends think we'll end up getting married. She says that our children would be beautiful. She says that she doesn't think we could date long before there's a marriage proposal. I think it bears repeating that we've been together roughly a month and a half. I've known her a total of four or five months. 

Here's a little more background on her. She's been in one serious relationship in her life and that lasted about 4 and a half years. It ended about six months before we started dating. She said she never loved him and that I'm her first real love. And yes...I tell her I love her, too. Unfortunately, I don't think I do. I know...I've really screwed up by doing that but what the hell am I supposed to do when she says that she loves me? Give her a thumbs up and say "I don't blame you?" 

Basically, my question is, should I be worried about what's she's said? I'm 24 and she just turned 22 so hopefully I can chalk this up to being youthful ignorance. So what should I do? Should I try to ignore her comments and enjoy the damn-near perfect girlfriend I have or should I be planning my escape route?

The Runaway Groom

Well, why DON'T you love her back? Smart, beautiful, funny, does all the driving, a bobcat in the sack, completely adores you? What else do you think is waiting for you?

If only it were that easy, huh? Just a snap of your fingers and *poof* you're in love right back. 

What we have here is some dishonesty. No girl spends four years with a guy she never REALLY loved... unless her self-esteem is for shit. So what happened was he broke her heart, smashed it to itty bitty bits, and chucked her aside. Half a year later (and that isn't NEARLY enough recocery time) here you come to save the day. You're her knight in shining armor).

Meanwhile, you LIKE her, but don't LOVE her, yet you LIKE her so much that you just blurted out that you loved her, rather than hurt her feelings.

So you're scared now. She's moving too fast and already talking marriage, not seriously, but it's coming up.

Yet you aren't quite ready to bail. I take it you're committed to her and aren't actively pursuing other girls, or else you would have included that little bit of info.

Okay, here's what you do... and this requires a back-hoe filled with bullshit. One night, while you're just snuggling in front of the TV watching a DVD, and she starts going on about marriage, tell her, "Look, I DO love you (fuck it, you already lied and it'll soften the blow), and you're the only one I want to be with (for the moment, but don't mention that), but you keep talking about marriage. It's freaking me out, baby. I'm only 24. You're only 22. I'm not going anywhere. We have all the time in the world. Let's just have some fun and not get too serious, yet. We're both too young for that kind of talk."

She'll get... huffy, probably. So you'll just have to accentuate the key points: "I'm not going anywhere" and "You're the only one I want to be with." She'll try the old reliable, "If that's the case, then why shouldn't we get amrried?", that's when YOU say, "Because baby, I dion't know about you, but I've never been in such an intense relationship before. I've never had these feelings before. I need time to process this. It's too much, hon. It's too much for the moment. EVERYTHING'S perfect, I've never been happier, but can we just chill with the marriage talk for the time being? Please?"

She'll profess not to understand.

YOU say, "And that's why we shouldn't talk about marriage yet, you DON'T understand all there is to understand about me yet. Just like I don't know all there is to know about you. Let's give us more time to know each other as well as possible before we start talking marriage. Okay?"

See, you just A: reassured her and B: gave her an indirect commitment. That should take care of her for a while.

In the meantime, you let nature take its course and see if love doesn't open up in your heart for her. And if it doesn't... well, there is no such thing as a clean break-up. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. 

2) Hey man, I enjoy your column, as you're one of the best smartass columnists I've seen. And I always enjoy reading the guide to life, as I can relate to a lot of the other people. Even though I enjoy that part of your column's, I still feel like a total fuckhole for having to resort to taking your advice (no offense)...And I'll apologize ahead of time if this is kind of long, but I'll try my best to keep all the unnecessary details left out.

I'm 17 years old, and I believe I'm a pretty attractive guy. I don't say this out of cockiness or anything, but I base it on things females have told me in the past. Regardless of all that, I had my first true kiss, not even a year ago (August 2003) with a girl that I had been dating over the internet. I ended up meeting her on 2 seperate occasions, and spending the entire day with her both times. Hyatte, this chick was HOT..I mean, it was like out of my league kinda shit, but I lost my virginity to her. And I was happy about that, but all good things come to an end, she faked pregancy for 2 months and tore up my emotions, blah blah blah, needless to say we broke up...

Well of course I was madly in love with her, and those feelings don't die overnight. We eventually started talking online again, and remained close on an "I love you basis" up until a couple of weeks ago when I finally realized how much of a manipulative bitch she was, and cut things off for good.

Anyway, this letter isn't about that, but I think that situation can speak volumes about my emotions these days. 

I've been close friends with this one girl for about 2 or 3 years now. Since I was a freshman in highschool (I'll be a senior when I get back in school), and I'm not gonna front, she's FINE...I won't go into details, but let's just say she has something that porn stars pay thousands of dollars for. But when I first met her, I was a really shy guy, and I could NEVER muster up the courage to ask her out. So we just remained good friends for a long time, and eventually she ended up in a serious relationship with my older cousin. At first it was nothing to me, but they've been together for about a year and a half now, and I'm realizing how shitty he treats her. He just recently moved in with me, so I hear ALL of the conversations they have on the phone, and he is completely sucking the life out of her. He bitches if she talks to her friends, he bitches if she goes to the store wearing shorts (despite it being summertime in georgia heat), he bitches if she's too nice...all kinds of shit. 

Well a few months ago I found out he had been talking to my ex gf (remember the one from the begining of the letter?) one weekend while I was out of town. She was the one that told me about it, therefore she's the one that I believe. Basically, he got her to call him while I was gone, and he talked all kinds of sexy shit to her and made her promise not to tell me. Well I told his girlfriend about it the day after I found out....of course she was pissed off, but she didn't have the power to break up with him, simply b/c she didn't have PROOF of what he said. 

Now I wasn't out for revenge, and I didn't wanna fight him, but I DID promise myself not to feel remorse for anything that I ever do. So the next weekend when he was out of town at a friend's house, me and his girlfriend talked and caught up on our friendship. We ended up on the internet together, and I ended up playing around on the webcam and well, u can guess the rest. Well we talked that night, and she promised me that she would break up with him...She also told me all kinds of things that would piss him off...(I have a bigger penis than him, she would rather be with me b/c I'd treat her right, she wants to sleep w/ me) all sorts of things.

So look at this in retrospect...the chick that I had a crush on, and had lost all hope in, ended up telling ME all this stuff...And I can't do anything about it, simply b/c she's dating my asshole of a cousin who treats everybody else like they're insignificant...My question is, should I go ahead and try to do something with her? I mean..she's a hot chick that I had a crush on...I haven't had pussy in almost a year...and it'd be a nice measure of revenge on my fuckhole of a cousin (I could list PLENTY of other things it'd be revenge for, but I won't, to save space)..I really want to do something with her, but it'd definately have to be secret, and I know I'd be doing my cousin wrong. But, would you justify it? Do I have a right to do this? Man, I seriously need some outside input b/c I can't talk to ANYBODY around here about me out!

Thank you...



You used the word "fuckhole" twice in the same letter.

Stop it.

What you have here are three assholes in your life who are driving you crazy.

The first asshole is the Internet chick. Let her and your cousin go have an affair and a coupla dozen babies - both fake and real. In fact, ENCOURAGE them!! This is a rare opportunity for you to watch two people get together and being the only person in the world to know exactly what sort of trainwreck will ensue, how much emotional damage they'll be able to unload on each other. Grab a bag of popcorn and enjoy the show!

The second asshole is your cousin. But he's actually LESS of an asshole. Look, he went after your Interlove because he was horny and I'm SURE you made quite a big stink about how over you were with her. He saw her, got horny, and decided to have a little fun. Morally he's pond scum (family comes before ANYTHING) but he's just letting his penis do his thinking for him. Again, let the Interchick work her nutty ways on him. They deserve each other.

The third asshole is your cousin's girlfriend and your crush. Should you TRY to move in on her? Sure, why not. Will you get any? I really don't think so. See, you just caught her in a moment of weakness where you two played a little cybercam "hide the salami". She was vunerable and looking for a little immediate revenge. It doesn't mean she'll open up for you. It just means you were there at the right time. Has she followed up on her promises from that crazy night? Of course she hasn't.

Does this girl KNOW you've had the hots for her for a while? I bet if you came out and told her, she'd say: "Why didn't you tell me this before??" (And if she DID know, then she's totally useless to you and TWICE the asshole I'm making her out to be now)

The girl is an asshole because she lets your cousin treat her like shit. It's actually quite comon with girls. It goes with the whole self-esteem thing... which damn near EVERY GIRL, save for Madonna, has issues with. Girls like to be treated poorly because it's a man's world... because being alone on a Friday night is, like TOTALLY the worst thing EVER... because TV, the movies, and family values still have Daddy as the primary breadwinner.... because being a girl in High School is about as emotionally brutal as being a white boy in prison. 

She'll dump your cousin (or he'll dump her) when she's good and ready, but then she'll just look at you and be reminded of him.... so she'll want nothing to do with you either.

So, you can go for her, but you won't get anywhere. I will almost guarentee this. (of course, stranger things have been known to happen)

I say let all three of these assholes go and make each other miserable and you find yourself and nice girl and be done with this whole stupid mess. Stay out of it.

Okay then, we wrap up with a letter from someone who caught this on another message board and wondered: What Would Hyatte Do? 

Sir, Found this over at another site and wondered how you would tell the gentleman to handle the situation he's in. Here goes: 

(I) just returned from Cape Cod two days ago. My birthday was yesterday, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, I was visiting my aunt and her daughter. (they aren't really related to me, but they're close friends of the family so we call them 'relatives') Her daughter is 2 years, 2 days, and 2 hours younger than me exactly. I hadn't seen her in several years, since she was about 12. When I did see her now, however, I was in for a great surprise. Now, my cousin is perhaps the most petite girl you've ever seen; not overly skinny, however. When she greeted me at the door I did a double-take. She had an enormous rack, at least DD. The plain-white t-shirt she was wearing was vitually stretched to its brink. Even though she is very petite, it didn't look that odd on her frame for some reason.

The next day we went to the beach, and she wore a pink two-piece bathing suit, which she looked remarkable in. While we were in the water she joked with me that she didn't need a life jacket, and me being the stupid fool that I am I asked "Why?" My ignorance was rewarded, as she took my hand and placed it on her firm left breast. It was one of the most amazing things i've ever felt. I'm a virgin, and I've never even had a girlfriend to 'play with,' and so this would have to be the first time I've touched a girl's breast.

We went back to her house, and in the back there is the typical kind of outdoor shower they usually have at beach houses. She went in first while I waited right outside the door. A few seconds later the door creeked behind me, and she put her arm around my throat and pulled me inside with her. She was in the nude. I tried to look away, but she told me not to. Nevertheless I didn't look, as I still think of her as my cousin. *sigh* Damn morals. I'm not entirely sure, but for the rest of the week it seemed like she tried to come on to me at every oppoutunity. I denied her every time.

Some one tell me, am I a fool? An imbecile? A gutless wimp? I mean, technically we're not related, and she is a very beautiful girl, and VERY willing at that too. But, I had thought of her as my cousin ever since she was three when I had first met her. I get to see her again in two weeks, and I don't know what I should do. I know this isn't ask Abby or anything, but if anyone has any advice I'm open to suggestion. Please, enlighten me with your wisdom. 


Any ideas? 

Unca Ed 

He's not gutless, he's not a wimp, and he's not an imbecile. He's got something us superior people like to call: MORAL FIBER! Bravo for him! Good show!

And ANY girl who so blatantly hits on a guy, practically throwing herself at him after just re-aquainting herself with him for a DAY is just STUFFED with problems. No wonder her titties are so huge... they're full of issues.

Plus, so long as he doesn't make the journey to the Cape (and from his tone, it's a hell of a long trip) with any degree of regularity, it's not really an issue anymore, is it? He came, he had his shot, he decided to be upright and moral, and he left with his integrity held high and a pair of blue balls. The next time he sees her, she'll either be 5 times as horny or committed to someone else. Either way, he weathered the storm.

Now, if the dude wants to make some MONEY out of this... he should take her to L.A. and become her agent. That girl has a porn star just DYING to come out of her (no pun intended).

And with that, the show is over.

Next week, I... well... as usual I haven't the foggiest idea WHAT I'll be posting. Well, the box-office report, THAT'S for certain. Ummmm..... Book stuff so you illiterate fuckholes can scroll through! Uhhh... Oh, MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS coming.... yes, HUGE announcements!! One, maybe two... One definitely. 

No, really... would I jerk you around like that just for my own amusement?

Let's see.... what else.... nope, nothing comes to mind. QUOTES, I'll have quotes! Yeah, quotes! 

And other things! OR, I'll enjoy a nice week off! Haven't had one of those in about 3 weeks. Looks to be the time. We'll see.

This is Hyatte