The Midnight News 07.26.04 

Posted by Hyatte on 07.26.2004 

Letters, A Hero, A Villain, A Keller, Trish, The Bossman, Movie Lines, and Message Boardom 

Letters and lots of 'em

I'm worried about you, Hyatte, I really am. The fact that you actually think you are getting a peice for your column from Vince McMahon himself absolutely blows me away. You really are a fucking moron. I hope to God that this is all a joke and that you don't really think that a man as busy as McMahon, and a man who hates internet fans as much as McMahon, would give you the time of day, let alone send you an "attack". Because if you do, I just might have to stop reading your column, just so I don't contract some of your utter stupidity. Good day.


Look, what do you want from me? It's HIM! I talked to him over the phone! Trust me, it's HIM!

Did you know he has a soft Georgian accent in real life? It's true! 

Did that guy even get the sarcasm? have to run this as long as possible. Half of me is hoping that the WWE destroy his ass with a wonderful law-suit.

Oh dear me...I have to go now and see if I have moxie.

Excuse me

Brian: the guy who wrote a letter to Vince that he answered.

Maybe he did get the sarcasm but decided to impart some wisdom anyway? Ever think of that? Huh? HUH?

Dear Chriss Hyatte, WOW. I mean wow.... you Managed to fuck up the one good thing going for you... That takes talent. Bow your head sir, you actaully managed to make Vince mc man(which i'm convinced again is in fact you) suck ass just in time for Vince mc man to re appear on tv and be damn entertainning. Oh as far as you bashing Metzer, oh thats right he never talked to Sunny HAHHAH. I mean not like you jerk ass. (Still do this day i still have no fucking idea who Metzer is or why i should care, and if it weren't for you i never woudl heard the name, even Scott keith never mentions him, what do you got some kind crush on this guy?) Well for the most part you your self did not suck total ass. Even though you didn't follow up with mick Foley going to Ring of honor. As you yourself said it would change wreslting forever (And you have the balls to piss on metzer.) Hace a nice day , cock tick. P.S. Stop being so lazy with your self writen Vince mc man impersonations there getting lame.

Forgot the name

Scott Keith never mentions Dave Meltzer? Say what?

Cock tick? I'm not a cock tick... how dare you.

No one likes you!



Great column as always. I gotta thank you for putting up that link to The Taking of Triple H. . Just got finished reading it, and to be honest, I've yet to read anything quite as entertaining as that story. Though, I gotta admit, I felt kinda bad for Hunter at the end. Those damn Canooks scared him for life. There were some moments when I thought Q was a character of you, cause of the whole Trish obsession thing. But then I thought, "Hyatte's telling us that he's Scooter's butt-monkey?....No way!" And won't it be just fucking wonderful if Benoit EVER ends up doing that to Scooter in real life? (Canadian-biased bastard) Dude, you gotta let us all know if you're gonna do something like that again. You're a goddamn genius on writing this stuff. Better than some professional novelists. (This isn't sucking up by the way, just some well-deserved praise). Keep up the good work. You're quickly becoming my favorite writer on 411. Peace!! 


See, SOMEONE likes me, HA!!!

"You know, whenever you find yourself wondering just how Vince McMahon managed to get filthy rich, just consider what kind of morons he is competing with. These people really are fucking CHILDREN." (me, in Thursday's column)

Hmm, and all this time I thought Fernstein was the only one...

J Boutin

Why you.... frickin' wiseass.

Hey skizzlenutz- You need to spice it up a bit. Of course your columns are better than anything else out there and I appreciate your consistent twice a week offerings. They just seem to be treading water a bit right now. The last real new thing you added was Vince and that's still great, but I want something else. Please blow me... away. I read your book posts. We have similar tastes in writers. Have you read James Lee Burke? I'm hooked on him. My favorite was written in 1978, called Lost Get Back Boogie. Please don't take this as criticism. I'm just a fan and I expect a lot out of you. 

Frank B 

Hey Frank, I've been treading water for years... ask anyone.

F*ck you; leave DDP alone, man! :( :( :( :( :( :( :(



Cindy Adams called, she wants her writing style back. 


Oh she did NOT call YOU!!!

Hey Cockticks, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News ALPHA! We got a LOT of stuff to cover here so Let's not waste time...



Thursday's Midnight News, the one I call OMEGA. If you did, then you read my IN-DEPTH Smackdown and TNA coverage, my EXAMINATION of the young troublemaker knows as Teddy Hart, my OBSERVATION of the asking price for the services of Low Ki... and other stuff like another contribution from VINCE MCMAHON, comments from Widro, how Dave Meltzer is a HYPOCRITE and a LIAR, the whereabouts of RICKY MORTON, some Advice, some rasslin' quotes, and a guest appearence from the Honky Tonk Man... plus the perfect male and why no one should be ashamed of their penis! Tons of stuff... one of my best columns ever! If you missed it, then you just SUCK!


First: The good news...

One evening, six months ago, Perry Saturn was bringing his girlfriend to work (*COUGHscoresHACK*) when he heard a commotion. He investigated and saw two guys were in the process of raping a woman. Saturn intervened and was shot 3 times in the neck for his troubles. 

Well, after several surgeries, Saturn now has half a steel neck, more than a few steel screws, and the DESIRE TO RASSLE again. And by God, any asshole who tries a clotheslIne will end up with a busted arm!!

So he'll be returning to the ring for Frank Goodman's USA Pro company on September 17. Because the ONLY raping Saturn condones is when wrestlers get stiffed on their paycheck!!

When asked to comment, Saturn, the HERO said, "Uhh, actually in was looking to join in the fun but my crazy eye got all confused and I mounted the wrong person."

When asked to comment, one of the rapers Saturn stopped said, "I had to shoot him! He had this crazy eye that just bounced all over the place! I think he's a space alien or something?"

When asked for comment, the OTHER raper that Saturn stopped said, "That fool's crazy! After he beat me up he kept saying: 'I'm sorry'."

When asked for comment, God said, "Perry Saturn has a home here whenever I'm ready to bring him up. Hyatte, on the other hand, doesn't have a PRAYER after he posts this bullshit."

When asked for comment, Satan said, "Get used to warm weather Hyatte, you dumb fuck"

When asked for comment, I said, "Yup, I'm burning for this." 


Now the bad news:

Indy Wrestler Vic Vengeance shot and killed himself when cops surrounded him in his home in Jacksonville, FLA. He was wanted on charges of shooting a cop up in Michigan. He was 38.

He had been profiled on America's Most Wanted and... well... you can RUN from the long arm of John Walsh but dammit, you can't HIDE!!

While the death of Vic Vengeance offers no true justice with the family and friends of the cop he killed, and the law doesn't get put over either, the Independant wrestling community can take solace in the fact that now, everyone moves up a notch on the PWI 500! That means JUSTIN TOXICATED moves up a spot to #423, everyone below him gets shifted up one spot too and the NEW #500 wrestler is now PONY O'TOOLE! CONGRATS, PONY!!! NEXT STOP: THE STARS!!!

He should'a killed himself a long time ago for naming himself "Viv Vengeance"... what was he avenging? CREATIVITY??

The top two stories are just my way of showing that professional wrestlers can be heroes AND villians!! Why IWC writers are all general cocksucking assholes.


So Trish Stratus, a girl who has an online imposter whom I am friendly with, has a broken hand... so she isn't able to compete all that much. This gives her with a lot of free time.

Apparently, from these two reports that have been posted and all but IGNORED, Trish + Free time isn't necessarily a GOOD thing...

The first report is from the Torch, and Keller can suck my cock if he thinks I'm gonna offer a link:

SANTA MONICA, Ca. – 07/21/2004 – Push!ng The Lope Entertainment ® along with John Piermarini and Frank Murgia are filing a lawsuit against the World Wrestling Entertainment. Push!ng The Lope claim to be the creator of the WWE 2004 Raw Diva Search and is ready to go to court to prove it.

Push!ng The Lope gave WWE one month to respond to their attempt to resolve their issue with the wrestling company but received no response. WWE announced its $250,000 Raw Diva Search on Monday Night Raw on Spike TV on Monday May 24, 2004. Push!ng The Lope says the idea was there’s and was presented, with help from WWE superstar Trish Stratus, directly to WWE Executive Producer Kevin Dunn, who then took the idea directly to Vince McMahon and Jim Ross.

John Piermarini, co-creator of the show had the following statement: “We met with Kevin Dunn backstage on December 8, 2004 with (WWE superstar) Trish Stratus to present the idea directly to Kevin Dunn who told us he loved the idea and thought it was very original and gave us the green light to continue developing the idea and present it to him when it was completed. The completed show was presented on January 7, 2004. Kevin then said Vince McMahon was very impressed with the idea but wanted to put it on hold until after WrestleMania 20 where he would meet again with Kevin Dunn and Jim Ross to discuss using the idea. That was the last we heard from anyone from WWE, as all phone calls and messages were ignored. Then right after WrestleMania we see Vince McMahon steal our idea live on television. There isn’t one original WWE idea in this show concept. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery; theft is the lowest form of creativity. I now know where WWE lies.” 

The search consists of nationwide casting events, a television casting special, competitions between the finalists, fan voting, and a culmination to reveal the winner. All of which Push!ng The Lope says was presented to WWE. Push!ng The Lope also stated that Trish Stratus was witness to all communication between WWE and Push!ng The Lope. 

Push!ng The Lope also claims to have written and verbal proof that Kevin Dunn agreed to send a letter of intent on behalf of WWE to be partners with John Piermarini and Frank Murgia on the Diva Search project. Push!ng The Lope has a written letter of agreement with Trish Stratus, who was also a creator of the project.

.... oh dear...

I checked, Raw DID play in Anaheim on Dec 8th.

Trish, what are you THINKING? Why are you getting INVOLVED with OUTSIDERS who have an idea for the WWE when it's WELL KNOWN that the WWE NEVER lets outsiders in on their plans? Jesus, Vince doesn't let wrestlers he canned work their gimmicks EVEN AT A SIGNING... this is a company that HOARDS its intellectual property with a VENGEANCE. For crying out loud, did you REALLY think they would split the profits (and exactly HOW was this scheme supposed to make anyone money, I'm confused) with a couple of low-rent Hollywood agents? This is the WWE... this is VINCE MCMAHON... he's the MASTER at stealing gimmicks and making them his own! Why split the credit when they can have it all for themselves? Man o man... 

And to make matters worse, it isn't even an ORIGINAL IDEA! They ran a similar Diva Search last year... Jaime Koeppe won it... so they even have precedent.

Trish is a smart girl and a strong worker (from what I understand). This sounds a LOT like she just did these guys a favor by introducing them to Kevin Dunn and suddenly, she's co-creator. At least that's what I HOPE.

I'm all for ambition and going for new ways to pad your bank account, but Lordy loo... try to think hard about who you're getting in bed with before you go ahead with your plan.

And what chowderhead would name their company "Push!ng the Lope"? What is a "Lope"? Oh... it's hipster slang for "envelope".... okay, and why are they so afraid of the letter "i"?

The Judge might end up throwing these boys in jail for wasting the court's time on this one.

Is that all? Nope, it seems that Trish MAY HAVE BEEN up to somnething ELSE... These two boys weren't the ONLY ones she "got in bed with".... heh heh heh...

From PW (and if SCHERER thinks I'm gonna link HIS site when I won't link Kellers... then HE can not only suck my cock, but he can shove it up his ASS too! 

Trish Stratus, WWE Diva has been caught in the act, apparently. A video of her and an unknown man engaging in sexual acts has been leaked all over the internet. There has been no official word from WWE or Trish Stratus's managment yet about the validity of this tape. 

According to some sources, the website which originally leaked the Stratus sex tape has been given a cease and desist order from World Wrestling Entertainment.


....I want that fucking download.



Wait a second... Scherer has since pulled this story... so it's either fake or PW Insider (the PEOPLE'S web site) has been strong-armed by the WWE to yank it... the FOUR HORSEMEN INTENET BAD BOYS might have been coerced to pull the story.

Either that or it's a fake. I'm thinking it's a fake.... Stratus likes money more than she likes sex, why would she risk her career on some cute idea of recording her lovemaking with some asshole? Makes no sense.


Oooooh if it's her, I can just IMAGINE what sort of comments we'd hear amidst the groaning and the grunting...

"Ohhh Hyatte... I mean Bill, ohhhh Bill"

"Yeah baby, put keep your nose there... ooooh, yeah"

"Whatever happens, don't tell Stephanie! You gotta swear!"

"Jesus, they're like cement basketballs! My back can't bend that far back!"

I need this fucking download, people!

Shhh, listen carefully and you can hear the Trish Imposter blocking me off her AIM buddy list... swearing her head off!

Anyway, I'm sure both situations are total bullcookies and Miss Stratus is STILL a virgin!


After every five books I review in this column, I like to take a minute and recap the last few books. I also provide links to the columns where the book was reviewed. A big waste of space? Some think so, but those who do are generally morons.

This is nothing new, by the way. I did an overview of the first five books (Leaving Las Vegas, Hooking Up, Potshot, Missing Links, and Good Omens), nn overview of the SECOND batch of books (Stranger Things Happen, Casino Royale, Choke, Muscles, and Slaughterhouse Five) and an overview of the third series of books I picked (McSweeney’s Mammoth Treasury of Thrilling Tales, Women, And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H, The Brethren, The Partner and The Testament).

So, in order:

1) A Million Little Pieces: by James Frey. Strong, brutally raw, true-life account of an drug user/alcoholic's stay at a Rehab Center. Far and away, this is the book most people have checked out and raved to me about. The style is hard-core and deeply personal. Incredible book.

2) The Safety of Objects by A.M. Homes. Short stories that look just under the surface of suburbia. A few stories seem to wander aimlessly, but the ones that catch your attention are really, really good.

3) In The Hand of Dante: by Nick Toshes. A full novel about New York wiseguys who learn that the original, hand-written draft of Dante's "Divine Comedy" is in existence. What could've been a great, funny book ended up as a soapbox for the author to vent about the publishing industry and anything else that pissed him off. The book also divides its time with a boring telling of the travels of Dante himself. This book was stuffed with potential. What a shame.

4) Who's Your Caddy: by Rick Reilly. Funny, inciteful series of celebrity profiles as they play golf. Viewed by their caddy, top-notch sportswriter Rick Reilly. Very witty book that can be devoured in a day, whether you're a golf fan or not. 

5) To Be The Man: by Ric Flair. Well, if you're reading this column, then you already KNOW about this book. I loved it.

There you have it... is there anything in there you LIKE? There had BETTER be, for chrissakes... I'm certainly diverse enough.

For the NEXT series... I'll profile a horror book from someone NOT named Stephen King (no, not Dean Koontz either), a book for Writers from someone NOT named Stephen King, a vampire book from someone NOT named Stephen King, a non-fiction "chick-lit" book from someone NOT named Stephen King, and a short story story horror/fantasy book from... oh okay, it's Night Shift by Stephen King.... NO, no, I kid... it's from someone NOT named Stephen King... so HA and blow me!

This is Hyatte and I will rape your mother if it'll get you to READ!!!


Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!

1) The Bourne Supremacy: $53.5 million opening weekend. Gee, this Matt Damon just quietly goes about his business off-camera. Quietly banging his way through the top Hollywood starlets (he made one mistake with his publically dumping of Minnie Driver and hooking up with Winona Ryder... but A: it's a Hollywood stud-boy RITUAL to hook up with Winona Ryder and B: He was young and stupid). This Matt Damn keeps his fucking mouth SHUT and his ass OFF camera until it's time to shoot a movie and look at him, top movie, getting rave reviews, and generally well-liked by everyone. Hmm, what moron, imbecile, no-talent, over-fucking-lucky friend of his needs to take a few lessons on how real stars behave? Hmmm?? Which falling star pal of his should start taking notes instead of showing up whenever some slob points a camera at something? Hmm... I can't remember his name... ryhmes with "LaffPeck"!

2) I, Robot: $22 million ($95.4 million TOTAL). My favorite scene is when he pulls off the face of one of the robots and it's DJ JAZZY JEFF in disguise. Will is all like, "Damn ni**a, what'choo doin in this flick?" and Jazzy is like, "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MOVIE CAREER, HUH? DIE MOTHERFUCKAAAAAA!!!!!!".... now THAT was cool!

3) Catwoman: $17.1 million opening weekend. In Hollywood, where the stars never stop shining, thousands upon thousands of actords, both young and old, saw this movie and said: "We gave an Oscar, the PINNACLE of our profession, to THIS silly twat?"

I blame Benjamin Bratt.... what genius thought THIS guy was a star?

4) Spider Man 2: $15 million ($328.4 million TOTAL). Wow, this movie has done so well that Tobey Maquire has already said, "Next flick, I'm not gonna wear the costume ONCE! It's ALL ABOUT ME! In fact, the third movie will be one, long 2 hour closeup of my EMOTING!! Deal with it, Raimi, you hump!!"

5) A Cinderella Story: $8 million ($29.8 million total). I never thought I'd see myself write this, but Hilary Duff is too damn young for me. Now WHERE IS THE OFFICIAL 411 REVIEW OF THIS MOVIE??? WHERE'S JACOB "I'LL REVIEW ANYTHING" ZIEGLER WHEN WE NEED HIM THE MOST????

In other movie news... it ain't much, but here are a series of shots of Britney Spears giving her fiance a blowjob.. I bet you just dropped your beverage ALL over your keyboard, didn't you?

Revenge of the Sith.... does it really matter anymore?

Finally, pick up a copy of Entertainment Weekly this week (the one with Joaquin Phoenix on the cover) and read the story on former Wiseguy star Ken Wahl... awesome and sad at the exact same time... then go buy the Wise Guy DVDs and see Kevin Spacey and Joan Severance play the coolest, nuttiest, sickest, BESTEST bad guy brother/sister act in television history ("The toes knows!")

For chrissakes... Wahl when toe to toe with JERRY LEWIS on this show!!! It's WORTH a viewing.

Wahl is so cool, he didn't even allow anyone to take his PICTURE during the interview! Oh, and he's in constant, unbearable agony all the time.... well hell, who isn't?

Oh, and he bangs both of the Barbi Twins... well hell, who hasn't?


Thanks to Mr Knott for this info

On July 20th, the good inbreds of Paulding County, Georgia had themselves a general election for public ofice and civil servants...

Well, one of the Candidates for Co- Committe Chairman was Ray Traylor, AKA: Big Bubba, AKA: The Big Bossman, AKA: The Boss, AKA the Guardian, AKA Ray Traylor...

Well, 26 out of 27 Precincts reported... (that's a return of 96.3%) for a total of 11'319 votes counted:

JERRY N. SHEARIN: running as an Independant received 5'425 votes (96.3%)

VAN WESTBROOK running as a Republican received 4'258 votes (62%)

and RAY TRAYLOR running as a Republican received 1'636 votes (14.45%)

The Bossman got SPANKED.

Fingers are being pointed all over the place at the Traylor campaign headquarters... the overwhelming opinion is that they had the wrong slogan: Vote Traylor: He Has More Hair than Jesse Ventura. Others blame the TVB commercials Traylor filmed where he dragged the coffins of his opponent's loved ones all around the county in his pick-up.

Traylor personally blames Hulk Hogan, "Jealous bastard worked with Shearin to sabotage me from the get-go!" 

When asked for comment, Traylor polished his night stick and said, "Looks like a few thousand asshole voters are looking to do a little hard time with ol' Betsy here!"

I'll have you cocksuckers know that I downloaded Adobe Reader JUST for this story! HOW ABOUT A LITTLE THANK YOU FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIVES????


Over at the Torch, Wade Keller is having problems on a day when he's in no condition to have problems.

Apparently, this past Sunday (ie: yesterday or the day before, depending on when you read this), Keller stumbled out of bed to find that his server had died... NO, NO, not his Man-Slave "Fidel", his INTERNET server!

Thus, for all day Sunday, NO ONE was able to hear Wade audio-"takes" (you know, the ones where he spends 10 minutes on Wrestling ands 20 minutes on how much better the Torch is than the Observer) NOR were we able to hear such necessary audio reports such as Jason Powell cracking on how sucky TNA is and James Guttman's high-toned "comedy" reports, "Boy, imagine if Eugene and HHH were stuck in an elevator together... the conversation would go something like this..."

PLUS, the Torch's SECURE ONLINE ORDERING system was down... which means ANYONE with ANY hacking skill could sneak in and procure the entire newsletter subscription list! INCLUDING credit card numbers and addresses! (Nah, I'm just joshing.... although Mark Madden's MasterCard number is 6410055987877543 and expires next February)

KID, I'm kidding! I don't have Madden's cc number and made it all up! He uses Diner's Club anyway.... because that sumbitch likes to EAT

But why was SUNDAY such a bad day for all this trouble to come Wade's way? Well, because on SATURDAY, he was at an "all day/all night" Bachelor party! 

And how does a mega-rich, high rolling, editor of a very successful WRESTLER NEWSLETTER party with fellow bachelors? Well, Wade was kind enough to run it down:

They started at the Race Track where Wade ended up losing $92. "There were no horses named after wrestlers so I had no way to make accurate picks!"

Then they went to a Steakhouse where Wade blew $40 ($39.95, to be exact) on the "best steak I ever had"... which was also the second cheapest... 

Then he spent the night bar hopping and drinking "Captain Cokes"... which is "Captain Morgan Rum" and coca-cola... which isn't exactly the epitome of masculine beverages.

Finally. Wade reports that he slammed two Gatorades before going to bed, which he swears by as the ultimate hang-over blocker. 

Hmmm.... this "Bachelor Party" seems to be missing one.... vital.... ingredient....

Now, I'm not one to make wild assumptions (HA!! The fuck am I kidding?)... but from this story and the way he told it... it seems as if our Mr. Keller... who edits a supposingly MONSTEROUSLY successful newsletter... seems a bit.... watchful over the spending of his money.... as if he concerned with going crazy with it....

And, not for nothing, but a Bachelor Party without any girl boobs is like having a VIP pay only section of your website that any asshole columnist with a lot of loyal readers can sneak into for free and sniff around... 

This boy is starting to concern me... is he married? If so, is it LEGAL???? 


As usual, thanks for submitting and keep them coming.

Stephen King and Entertainment Weekly devoted a whole hunk of their last issue to this. Why, I would SUE if I had half a mind.

No, I mean literally. If I had only 50% of my mind, I'd consider suing!

01): Now... When it comes to you - and us - I have a few unanswered questions. So, before this tale of bloody revenge reaches its climax, I'm going to ask you some questions, and you're going to tell me the truth. However, therein lies a dilemma. Because, when it comes to the subject of me, I believe you are truly and utterly incapable of telling the truth, especially to me, and least of all, to yourself. And, when it comes to the subject of me, I am truly and utterly incapable of believing anything you say. 

How do you suppose we solve this dilemma? 

Well, it just so happens I have a solution. 

[he shoots Uma Thurman with a dart] 


Goddamn it! What the fuck did you just shoot me with? 

My greatest invention. Or at least, my favorite one. I call it "The Undisputed Truth," with twice the effect of sodium penethol, with none of the druggy after effect. Oh, except for a slight wave of euphoria. Can you feel it? 




Oh, too bad.- Kill Bill: Volume II

02): I understand you're pretty funny as a dee-jay and, well, comedy is kind of a hobby of mine. Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby, Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes. 


Yeah. And perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories, for fun. 

Oh, why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records, that'd be a hoot. 

That's a joke, right? 


I get it.- Good Morning Vietnam 

03): You know, Darryl, I have to admit I appreciate your honesty and I will be honest with you: I think . . .no, I am positive, that you are the most unattractive man I have ever seen in my entire life. In the short time we've been together, you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male persona and even discovered a few new ones. You're physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, morally reprehensible, selfish, stupid, vulgar, no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick!- Witches of Eastwick

04): How could you bear my trust, knowing that you'd killed my family?

Yes. I have taken from you. But I have given so much more. Is it not a fair trade, the life I have granted you? The gift of immortality?

And the life of your daughter? Your own flesh and blood?

I loved my daughter! But the abomination growing in her womb was a betrayal of me and of the coven! I did what was necessary to protect the species... as I am forced to do yet again.- Underworld 

05): Bruno, Larry has to bump you from tonight’s show.


Well, let’s face it, you haven’t really done that much in the entertainment world.

Hank, I was in The Godfather.

Yeah, right.

Hank, I was in the fucking Godfather, Part II.

Yeah, well, I only saw number three...the GOOD one.- "Hank" (Jeffrey Tambor) and Bruno Kirby: The Larry Sanders Show

06): I am Dmitri Mishkin, Russian Minister Of Defense. So, how shall we execute you today, Mr. Bond? 

What, no small talk? No chit-chat? You know, that's the problem these days. No one bothers to take the time to give a really sinister interrogation. It's a lost art.- GoldenEye 

07): What do you want for Christmas, Claire? 

I don't know. 

You wanna get laid? 


No, you don't wanna get laid, or no, you do, but you don't wanna get laid - with me?- Go 

08): Why’d you dump her car in the bay?


Why’d you dump her car in the bay?

I couldn’t find a car wash- The Longest Yard

09): You have no respect for women. 

I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question. 

I guess. 

We'll forget dinner.- Cadillac Man

10): Don't try me, Aereon! I could plow you under with the rest of Helion Prime!- Chronicles of Riddick

Hmm.... so THAT'S what happened to Helion Prime. I always wondered. I just figured Hitler has something to do with it.

One thing you TRUE movie buffs will notice is A: 2 movies featuring Kate Beckinsale were involved, B: Both films are science fiction and C: Kate Beckinsale needs new fucking representation.

And D: some new titties wouldn't hurt either.

AND, true movie buffs may notice TWO appearances from gifted character actor BRUNO KIRBY!! In Brono's case, we can bypass A and B and go directly to C: Bruno needs new representation... the HELL happened to that guy? We was the BOMB, yo!

Let's wrap this crap up with an awfully popular segment that I may just end up alternating with the book club feature... I MAY.... don't want to put too much pressure on me. I'm too delicate. A little flower... that's me! 


Guys like Hyatte are not columnists. If they have something to say, post it on a message board- some asshole, on some asshole message board: a long time ago.

What this is me sniffing around various message boards, some popular, some obscure, and some exclusive to PAYING customers (of which I'm NOT... I have passwords... VIP PASSWORDS, WADE!!! DOESN'T THAT SUCK???) and stealing some choice lines I find here and there. Some funny, some poignant, and some just retarded.

I REFUSE to even say WHERE I got these quotes, because the point here is to give an overall sense of what people are posting on any given week. It's what the Internet is talking about!

Plus... it lets people have fun recognizing posts.

We start off the festivities with a post from, David Meltzer... yes, THE David Meltzer... yes, YOUR God.... yes, the man YOU would hand over your first born to. Why? I dunno. All I know is that he even has FLEA up his ass... which means he has some scary voodoo magic hypnotic powers there.... VERY scary voodoo magic.

"Good to see everyone missed my point. I'll try again. He deserves more credit then he gets. Very good worker. Very hard worker. Works hard at house shows. Tries to make the product better, and often succeeds in doing so. He deserves more blame than he gets. He is far more powerful than any of you realize. A writer recently said that while Vince has the ultimate final say so, and Stephanie is the head of the writing committee, everyone knows the person it's most important to please is HHH because he wields the power. The reason many people never reached their potential is because of him burying them at meetings. Jericho can't work for his first few years. There was even a Benoit can't work in 2000. I wish I could show you the cartoons (think Paul Winchell as HHH and Stephanie as Jerry Mahoney) drawn by those who were in the meetings and knew the real score. Here is the point. For those who think bashing HHH is some sort of a sign of being a mark, actually the smartest people in wrestling in that company do it more than anyone because they know the power and where the decisions, both good and bad, come from. At the same time, he also does not get enough credit. The world isn't black or white. He's neither angel nor devil. But aside from Vince, and maybe including Vince, he's more responsible than anyone for the overall direction not just of his character but of the ship itself."

"Those looking for details on the demise of H2 Pro-Wrestling can call 201-317-4163. Ted [dy Hart] will only be accepting serious calls."

"Ok, see that shiny thing far on the horizon? It's common courtesy, try meeting it halfway."

"The amount of coverage ROH is given in the Torch annoys me. I've never seen any of these guys, so I have no reason to care about long reviews of their DVDs. I don't even read them. I'd say only 5-10 percent of Torch readers have even seen one ROH show."

"When I was watching Smackdown Thursday I had forgotten who the cruiserweight champ even was."

"I have stood next to Tara Charisma on a few occasions and im reading all these vulger posts written by young men who feel that Tara's behind is a sexual tool for them to relieve themself in and on but her behind is offensive to anyone who exersises and her weight is unhealthy and a disgrace to other pro wrestlers. She is a female verson of Rikishi and on her way to becomming a female Yokazuna. What Tara Charisma must do is join a health spa or health club and spend hours a day on a treadmill and go on a diet and lose in the area of 100 pounds right away before she gets sick and passes away. Her thighs are so large that im sure she has a constant rash between her legs and i do know from standing near her that she has a sweaty body odor from sweating all the time due to her drastic overweight size. I am sure she cannot feel good trying to sqeeze into a size 20 pants and still have it be to tight. So please Tara take my advise and take care of this weight problem." [Hyatte's Note: This is the Tara Charisma in question]

"Cena is light years behind RVD."

"Two or three months after 9/11, Vince McMahon screams something like: 'Why isn't the fire department here yet? They're not good for anything!' I know damn well Vince had that line well placed in order to draw some heat from the media so he could get some press and then go into his "I was playing a character" routine. Fortunately no one picked up on it and it slid by. But there isn't a single part of me that thinks he didn't know exactly what he was saying. "

"is it just me, or does Jeff Hardy kinda look like Avril Lavigne?" 

"If I may be allowed to butt in here. I don't think it was 'beneath' Bruno to have a road agents job after he retired, I just don't think he needed one. Bruno's payoffs were astronomically higher than guys like Arn and Finlay and for a much longer time. Bruno's payoff for the 1980 Shea Stadium match alone was 28 grand. Also bear in mind that he had a huge chunk of Pittsburgh which did good business from the sixties until the early seventies. The old timers take these jobs for alot of reasons. To stay active and still be around the boys. To help train the young guys (and girls) like Finlay does. Or, unfortunately they never saved a dime and need the job. I don't think Bruno fits into any of those criterias." 

"I miss smart-ass reporters and talk show hosts who always thought they were at the height of investigative journalism by asking a wrestler if wrestling is fake. Of course, the wrestler would have to provide the only authorized response at the time, which was to maul the offending reporter while repeating, 'Is this fake?!?' Wham! 'Is that fake!?' Smash! I also miss Fuji and Tanaka's salt tossing gimmick." 

"Even though he doesnt talk it up so much anymore, I DESPISE this 'Legend Killer' nonsense from Randy Orton. Let's've beaten a 50 (plus?) year old Sgt Slaughter in a RAW squash, you beat a hollywood actor and author of children's books at 'spit' on Harley Race and beat up Moolah. Wow. Until you beat Hogan, Undertaker, and Flair, you ain't shit."

"Oh yeah? Well, Jeff Hardy responded to my flicking him off at a live show. I got a 'f*ggot' chant going for Lenny and Lodi. DDP heard me yell to him that I screwed his wife... and my greatest accomplishment... I hit Spike Dudley in the head with a quarter during a tag match once.... man, I'm so awesome"

"As far as I'm concerned, if he's not changing his repertoire, I don't want to see him & he belongs on Velocity. Fuck a Rob Van Dam."

"On Raw Rosey came out in a different outfit and king said roseys a super hero now. Does anyone think we will see more of the hurricane or rosey?"

"OVW is an independent organization owned by Danny Davis and booked by Jim Cornette. It is not a WWE subsidiary. WWE uses it as a farm system, but has no ownership interest in the company." 

"No, it's not a shame. It's a shitty thread. It got moved because you started a thread about a goddamn inflatable hammer. Get a dick."

"I'll slap Teddy Hart in the face with a peice of Matza and all he can do is sit there and take it."

"I am going to try to remain very calm as I repeat this for about the millionth time. We seem to go through this at least once a month: BRET HART CANNOT WRESTLE EVER AGAIN!!!! HE'S NOT COMING BACK!!!!! MOST PEOPLE DON"T CARE IF HE EVER COMES BACK!" 

"So, Hurricane...I don't understand. Molly dropped her superhero gimmick, won the women's title twice, and has actually been on quite a few Pay Per Views. Yet, you continue on your superhero stint and has been pushed in wrestling purgatory with a fat Samoan. WASSUPWITDAT?"

"Al Gore was part of ECW?.." 

"You mean to tell me that Jeff Jarrett hit Jeff Hardy with the guitar shot last night (7/21)? Is there anyone left in TNA (or NASCAR) that Jeff Jarrett hasn't hit with a paper-thin guitar? f**king hate this guy already. Hey, Jeff, your company's not getting any of my money until you take yourself off of TV. How's that grab ya, slap nuts?" 

"Poor Victoria. I had no idea that she was an epileptic until she had that terrible seizure on the stage last night. Poor Victoria."

"Look how fat she is. Look how smelly she is. Look at the herpes on her face. Look at all the bruises on her face. Yes that's Marie aka Miss Sinful. What a fucking trashbag whore this slut is. Please everyone reply and tell this cow to put on a cowbell and graze the pasture and stay away from the wrestling business."


"If you listen to Zenk, he'll tell you that the thing that held back his career was his unwillingness to kiss rear ends. If you listen to some people who have dealt with him, they'll tell you that Zenk's problem was that he was a jerk. Zenk had GQ looks, was a former Mr. Minnesota-award winning bodybuilder, was a tremendous athlete, and an intelligent guy. But he never figured out how to connect with fans and get over. Personally, I thought he came across as soft, and a bit phony."

"I think JBL has pulled off this main event run quite well. It isn't Taker's time." 

"I'm open for all smart ass and wrestling related answers to this one.....where is Rikishi headed now? TNA, The Buffet? What a sad day in sports entertainment. "

"I'm not watching, I don't care who wins, and I hate the whole idea."

"Never. Bret Hart will never jump the shark. And, quite frankly, I don't think he damages his legacy at all when he LEGITIMATELY DEFENDS HIMSELF against his detractors and critics. He has a right to speech same as the rest of us. Just because he's a wrestling legend doesn't mean he should have to uphold some unwritten moral code."

"Are people really lamenting the loss of a guy who's single greatest match was against Shane O Mac?"

"I wear a Yarmulke and I will slap you in the fucking face."

"if flairs gonna keep wrestling. im gonna have to hope he wears a shirt when he does. cuz that flab is really hard to look @. imagine how messed up batista and tomkos tattoos are gonna look when they get wrinkled and old. *shiver*"

"They can piss Van Dam off, but they're not going to want him to leave. He's a talent they really can't afford to lose. If RVD hits the independent circuit (specifically TNA,) that might be the 'big name' that TNA needs to get some more fans. So yeah, they're just fucking with him until there's say 12 months of his contract, and then he'll look like an all star again."

"She constantly had the expression of a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, but I digress."

"I miss Bobby and Gorilla. I miss Saturday Night's Main Event. I miss Saturday evening wrestling on TBS. I miss great wrestling matches featuring any combination of Benoit, Angle, Edge, Chavo, Eddie, and Rey on Thursday nights. I miss The Rock being on TV every week." 

"I also miss the way Chief Jay Strongbow would look like he was crying all match. I also got a kick out of the way he'd have to wake someone up after putting them to sleep. The guy would be all disoriented and confused and the ref would have to tell him that he lost the match."

"Do you not understand that the man is partially cripple after a stroke? HE'S NEVER GOING TO WRESTLE AGAIN!!!!NO!!!!! IT CAN'T BE FUCKING DONE!!!! I wish it could happen, but it can't and it never will. Bret Hart is lucky if he can walk into the bathroom to take a piss by himself."

And we'll end it here.

AND we'll end the column here too.

What do I have on tap for Thursday? Not a single clue. 

And what witty little insult do I have to put here before my sign-off? Not a single one.

This is Hyatte