The Midnight News 07.30.04
Posted by Hyatte on 07.30.2004
A Day Late, a Major Announcement, Smackdown, Summerslam, Who Scooped Who, Ricky Morton, X-Pac, Flea, Quotes, and Not Much Else
I'm late.... BY A DAY!!
But I'm here!
I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News Omega. Don't expect much this time out. I had a MUCH better column in mind here, but time was a factor with me and.... well, this stuff happens. So I'll hit a few notes and get out quick. The good news is this won't be one of my novels. You'll be done with this fast!
Unfortunately, we have to start on a bit of a sour note....
MEGA-HUGE, NO-BULLSHIT ANNOUNCEMENT
I have to start with some bad news.
HUGE NEWS... something that will affect ALL OF YOU... each and every one of you.
Next Monday will be my last column.
I'm totally serious. I am not jerking you. I'm gone.
I'll explain Monday.
The Scotsman has his own site. This probably means very little to most of you. However, he's doing a thing where he has a week of guest writers contribute.
I contributed. Not much, just me spouting off and being an asshole, but I wrote it a month ago, so I enjoyed seeing what I had written. Plus you get to read reader comments as his audience explains to me why I suck and call me names.
It's been up for a couple of hours as of this writing and I've already been called fat three times! So much for my challenging them to ignore stereotypes.
IN-DEPTH SMACKDOWN AND TNA REPORT
Smackdown is making the Kurt Angle return an EVENT, which is smart and necessary. Has anyone gone from the main event to being practically ignored so fast? They need this guy, Smackdown needs this guy... my God, WE need this guy!!!
And is that sound I hear the sound of JBL getting some modest APPROVAL as champ?? Say it isn't so!
We also have a new GM, and unless Stephanie had a nasty accident with a tanning booth, had a few chemo therapy sessions, and grew a penis, it ain't her.
Put it this way... if Randy Orton jumped to Smackdown, he would advice the new GM not to get too “uppity”.
The interesting thing was charting just WHO got the spoilers up first.
TUESDAY, JULY 27 11:50 p.m.: The Observer RUSHED OUT some teasers as to who the new GM was and the two title changes.... nothing else, just the stuff we, as God fearing rasslin' fans NEEDED TO KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!
TUESDAY, JULY 27 11:57 p.m.: The Observer puts up the full taping results a full 7 MINUTES LATER.... Meltzer considered waiting those 7 minutes, but then his millions of fans would just DIE!!!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 28, 1:00 a.m. The PWInsider site FINALLY wakes up and gets their results up “first”... over an HOUR later... those slow fucks.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 28, 12:01 P.M.... 1wrestling.com FINALLY gets some spoilers up... a full 12 HOURS after Meltzer... A FULL HALF DAY.
To date, the PWTorch has yet to post spoilers. When asked about this outrage, Wade Keller said, “Fuck the readers. They get the news I feel they deserve. I decided to sleep in on Tuesday. Fuck the readers. They'll eat my shit and say thank you if I ordered them too. Fuck them.”
411 has spoilers up exactly ten seconds after the Observer posted them.... and more readers read OUR spoilers... Meltzer can get on his knees and suckle our cranks for bothering to credit him. We don't have to, y'know. WE DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! WE CAN JUST TAKE THE NEWS AS OUT OWN AND GET A BILLION MORE READERS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA YOU FUCKHEADS SUCK!!!
In TNA News... I got nothing, except that AJ Styles recently went across the pond to the UK to A: sell TNA, B: give some amateurs some pointers, and C: laugh at this ridiculous “Kingdom” who couldn't hold onto the PASSION, THE DESIRE, THE THIRST FOR FREEDOM that is AMERICA!!
I happened to catch Styles fresh off the plane! And, after he got on his knees and kissed the homeland soil... the soil of FREEDOM... I asked him how it went. He offered some choice quotes:
“No matter how many times I tol' dem sheepfuckers that I'm not in public office, they kept callin' me “Gov'nor”!”
“Those highbrows ever hear of toothpaste?”
“I haven't seen so much fog since I wuz in the locker room at my last ROH show”
“They sure is polite in dat there state of England.”
“One promoter wanted to 'shag me', I thought he wuz gonna sell me some cheap carpeting. Ain't gonna make that mistake again, by gum!”
“Ya know dem asshole guards with the furry hats who never move for anythin'? Well, They still put shit over better than Abyss!”
“Them bitches never SHAVE!”
“That place is stupid! They say 'theater” instead of 'theATEr'! How fucked up is that?”
“I met Dynamite Kid and shoved his wheelchair into traffic! It was fucking great!! He was like, 'Oy mate! BOLLOCKS!!' Hyuck!”
THE SUMMERSLAM BLUES
Ahh SummerSlam... where it all continues... again a few months after it all began... again
Ohh, and boy was the net buzzing over the last week about this mega-show... see, while the Smackdown folks were kind enough to let slip the JBL/Undertaker – Angle/Guerrero double header, Raw stayed SHAMEFULLY quiet. Who would headline? What were the big matches? WE NEED TO KNOW BEFORE THE REST OF THE WORLD!!! OUR ENTIRE SELF-WORTH IS BASED ON IT!!!
Luckily, the IWC “reporters” were on the case! And we learned that it was Randy Orton vs Benoit while HHH goes up against Eugene. But what was interesting was WHO broke it first? Yes, this is essentially the same exact thing I did with the Smackdown spoilers story right on top... but screw it.
1- The Observer: One of Meltzer's Newsletters broke the news FIRST that Hunter will NOT be facing Benoit at SS, but that's ALL he said... cryptic bastard.
2- PwInsider: FRIDAY, JULY 23RD 3:15 pm est!! Mike Johnson announces that not only will Orton be be challenging Benoit, but he'll WIN the thing too! Then, to please Daddy Scherer, he snottily hailed this as a PWINSIDER EXCLUSIVE NEWSBREAK!!! Then, with equal snot and bile, commented that the exclusivity will not last long and EVERYONE WILL STERAL THIS, JUST LIKE THEY STEAL EVERYTHING FROM THE GREAT AND MIGHTY PWINSIDER!! Of course, this was all on the Elite section... where you need to PAY to read... because Scherer has to re-up his gym membership.
3- PW Torch... FRIDAY, JULY 23RD 9:00 pm cst: Jason Powell cuts, pastes, and announces that it WILL be Orton/Benoit – HHH/Eugene. He doesn't mention that Orton might end up winning the whole magilla
4- PW Torch... A DAY LATER, Wade Keller loudly blows Powell for “breaking this exclusive story ONLY on the Torch” on HIS report
Of course, BOTH Powell and Keller's reports were found ONLY at the Torch VIP section... which you have to PAY FOR to read.
5- 1wrestling.com... has yet to break this story. Bob Ryder was heard to say, “Who gives a hoot about SummerSlam anyway when there's TNA? Don't people want to read about Dutch Mantel's latest plan that will revolutionize this business?
6- The Lords of Pain... who cares? They don't say shit until Sherer and Meltzer finish wiping.
7- 411... we WOULD have broken the news foirst but Ashish had to get his back waxed that day. He DID bitch at Widro for not keeping on top of this and allowing us to get scooped again.
So, what did we learn from this?
-Scherer and his crew can break every story from now until the sun explodes, they STILL will be laughed at.
-Scherer is an asshole.
-Jason Powell reads PWInsider and steals their news.
-Wade Keller has no problems with this.
-1wrestling is HURTING
-It's simply amazing that the Lords of Pain are still around.
-Ashish had a great weekend showing off his sleek, hairless, sexy back.
-Meltzer knew the deal, he was just too busy fucking one of the WWE Divas to report it... now THERE'S a story that I DARE Scherer to break.
-You people are going to MISS ME when I'm gone! Who else will keep these people in line? Who else will be here to point out what these chuckleheads are up to? I looked and looked and still can't find anyone.
AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC
Unfortunately, Vince didn't send anything in, nor did he send in a fill-in.
I called his office and left the message that I'm leaving. Hopefully he'll send in something for Monday.
In the meantime, Drop him a line!
GIMME SOME MORE OF THAT THAT OLD TIME ROCK & ROLL
Last week, I wrote a segment about how Ricky Morton is going to run a special weekend seminar for any and all wrestling wannabes. There were jokes a'plenty and lots of hard-core offensive, insulting material. Fun was had by ALL...
Except for one of the promoters of this weekend, who wrote to me and chewed me out for attempting to PIDDLE on their honest attempt to impart some of Morton's wisdom on some kids... and maybe make a buck or two so children aren't going to bed HUNGRY!!
He also said that Morton was better than aome asshole who writes on the Internet all day!
HEY! I do NOT write on the Internet all day! Creepo!
Then he brought up the dreaded “L” word. Yes, he called me a lesbian.
No... I mean the OTHER “L”... the one that is usually followed by the “S” word, which means I'd have to hire my own “L” word and all these “L” words will have a big fight in the “C” word, which no one wants... especially Flea who would offer to send one of his hillbilly Jew “L” words out to handle this for me but then back out at the last second.
So I wrote back this promoter and said, “Oh relax... no one takes me seriously anyway.” Then I offered him a cleaner, nicer, LEGIT write up in my next column, pointing out that any press is good press. He agreed.
Ricky Morton Sets Clinic for September!
NWA Championship Wrestling will host a 3-day training camp with Ricky Morton
at the National Guard Armory in Kingsport, TN September 16 - 18for $200.
Thursday, September 16 @ 12 pm, participants will train in the ring with Ricky Morton. Championship Wrestling will provide dinner that night for participants of the camp.
Friday, September 17 @ 5 pm, the participants will again train with Ricky Morton. Then at 8 pm, camp students will compete on a Championship Wrestling event.
Saturday, September 18 @ Noon, Ricky Morton will watch the tape of the previous night's event with the students & give feedback.
September 18 @ 8 pm, the best 4 students in the camp, selected by Ricky Morton, will compete in a special tag team match & the rest of the students will compete in a battle royal on Championship Wrestling's biggest event of the year, "Championship Wrestling's Night of the Dragon" featuring Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Ricky Morton & many others.
I can't tell you how many boards I've visited where I hear people whine about not knowing how to get proper training. Well, not only is this opportunity, but if the promoter cares enough to give me shit for goofing on it, it's obviously an HONEST opportunity!
And $200 is pretty cheap for what you'll get. Most of these training seminars soak you for much, much more and all you do is spend a week stretching and falling on the mat. You got Morton ON-SIGHT and you get a shot to perform IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE, and then a FULL CRITIQUE the next day of what you did.
And it's Ricky Morton. One of the few people Ric Flair praised in his book. Jokes aside, in his prime, Morton knew a thing or two about selling moves and telling a story in the ring. Plus he will probably be happy to explain his mistakes and tell you what NOT to do to screw up your life.
Oh, and Ricky Steamboat will be there too. Think he'll be giving pointers?
So, give it a go. It's only for a weekend and you can learn a LOT. Might change your life. You never know.
And maybe, juuuuust maybe Morton will give you a few tips on the fine art of picking up a rat? Bloody hell, why NOT??
See, I may be an asshole, but I'm not a fucking asshole!
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Your brain loses its natural need to attain new knowledge once you reach 24.*
And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!
Hyatte LIVES to inform. Speaking of which...
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING NOW, WE’VE GOT FLEA!!!
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…
I've invested a lot of money to not live there.
Flea… a man who does NOT like sitting by the phone, waiting for my call.
THE ADVENTURES OF FERRET BOY AND THE SHE-MALE
I'm not going to get into the whole X-Pac/Joanie Doll/Love Tape/These Crazy Kids story because it's been goofed on enough...
However, I WOULD like to point THIS out... from X-Pac's “response”
I know I said I would not post on hwere anymore however I just learned of Joanie's comments on Stern.
I can only say that I am deeply hurt by what she said about my Me as far as the status of our relationship and about where I am at the present time. I love her more than anything in this world & I have never given up hope that one day we could find happiness. I recognize My part in what has gone wrong in our relationship. I wish I could change the past. I can only work towards the future. I will say that I think it was wrong of Joanie to publicize the fact that I am in treatment at this time. I am in no way ashamed of being here. Paul Levesque & Vince McMahon care about Me enough that they have paid for Me to be here at Talbott Recovery Campus in Atlanta, Georgia which is the best drug treatment center in the country. I have not worked for WWE in 2 years so the company can't pay for it , thus they are paying for it out of their own pocket. This they are doing for Me with no expectation that I will actually return to the ring.
I have commented on my relationship with Joanie in the past on here, but I will not respond to what she said about Me being a "druggie" other than the fact that I need to be where I am right now in order to be able to make her happy and also provide for my children. I am no longer married, but I still have two beautiful children that I love dearly. I need to be able to provide for them. I need to be able to provide for Joanie. Most of all, I need to be able to feel good about myself again. I love Joanie Laurer more than life itself. I can't express in words how much I hurt right now after learning of her comments on Howard Stern this morning. I am not angry. I only want to make her happy. As far as the this sex tape is concerned. I personally could care less if people see the tape in question. It is something I refuse to be ashamed of. It is actually very funny & in no way obscene. It is something I could never be ashamed of because it is a product of true love. So if anyone has a problem with it then I can only say that is their problem. I LOVE YOU JOANIE & I WILL UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. I will never give up on you.
So why did I post this? What did I catch that no one else seemed to?
People.... re-read the first sentence...
I know I said I would not post on hwere anymore however I just learned of Joanie's comments on Stern.
He had to be FORCED into posting on there again...
IT'S HIS OWN FUCKING OFFICIAL WEBSITE!!! AND HE WAS RAN OFF OF HIS OWN BOARDS!!!
Wow... people on his OWN WEBSITE hated him so much he swore he'd never post on his OWN board again!
For YEARS everyone yelled about how X-Pac sucks.... Maybe they were onto something! You have to REALLY suck if people on your own page hate you!
That sex video WILL be the comedy at it's finest, tho. Damn shame I won't be on 411 to goof on it.
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
I guess it doesn't matter much anymore but... I REALLY need as many of these as you can get...
Then again, I'm leaving... so why bother?
Some quick ones this time... nice array.
01): ... because I'm from Calgary...- Lance Storm
Where's that, Lance?- Scott Hudson,
...Alberta, Canada- Lance Storm: one of SEVERAL Nitros
02): I know all about cheating, I've had four very successful marriages - Bobby Heenan
03): THAT'S how you take care of Ernest Fuckin' Miller!- Jerry Flyn, to the camera after beating down Ernest Miller: Thunder '00
04): Ever since I teamed up with Edge and Christian, your Olympic Hero noticed he's been getting a lot of extra attention, from teenage girls. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.In fact,word on the street is your Olympic Hero is considered to be "all that". It's true. It's true. For teenage girls I have a word of warning in the form of a nursery rhyme. " Don't be like the people here shacking up with different guys. Be clean. Be pure. Be abstinent and follow my 3 I's- Kurt Angle
05): YOU SOLD OUT!- Philly Crowd
Maybe, but I'm rich now too- Stevie Richards: WCW house show - 1997
06): Who wants to see Scott Hall get banged!?- DDP
I'll bang your wife- Fan in the audience WCW show '98
07): I think you should stay away from Stacys for a while- JR to Lawler, after King's divorce from Kat, while he's salivating over Stacy Keebler.
08): I always ride around with JBL, you know, on the limo.
You’ve never been on a limo.
What are you. . . Yes I have!
No. No you haven’t.- Tazz and Cole- Last week's Smackdown
09): What can I say about this move? Nothing so I won't.- Randy Savage on the Beverly Bros' finisher
10): I'll hit you so hard you'll starve to death rolling.- “Gorgeous” Jim Garvin
11): Let the Rock take out his magical, invisible crystal ball. He sees Edge...he sees Christian...good news, you're still WWE tag team champions - but hold on, it's a little foggy....ah there it is, clear as crystal. It's a picture of the Rock whipping both your monkeyasses all over Louisville!- The Rock
12): That's right, tickets are going on sale... Well don't get smart with me, I'll slap you in the mouth... Do you want me to knock ya down? I'll talk to you later mom.- Heenan, on the banana phone: WWF TV, late 80's
Ahhh, Heenan. Without whom I would've NEVER run this segment.
Guide to Life won't be here this week. I'm tired, kids... tired and late.
This edition was done rather quickly and a full day and a half late because... eh, nevermind.
Monday is my last column... and if that isn't enough, here are a few MORE reasons why you should read:
-Trish Stratus's porn movie. I've seen it. I know what the deal is.
-Wanna know what Justin Credible is up to? Oh man, you won't believe it!
-Lots of other stuff I want to get to before I pack it up.
So you see... I have a LOT more to tell you.
It'll be fun. Depressing, but fun.
Sorry about this, guys.
And if I forget later... thank you.
This is Hyatte