The Midnight News 08.02.04 

Posted by Hyatte on 08.02.2004 

The Last Column: Starring Trish, HHH, Widro, Flea, Grut, Eric, and Scott Keith 

TONS of letters... eat me if you don't like it

Hyatte, You mother fuck. Just when I started to get used to you, you run. 

I used to fucking hate you and your columns. But kind of like the Jim Rome show, I still gave you a month to see what the hype was about. And after a month, something "clicked" and I "got it." 

Then I found my self laughing, being pissed, and smiling pretty much every time I read your column. To me, that's something rare to look forward to. 

Then you pull this bullshit. My god, now all I have to look forward to every week is... going to work. 

Thanks for the entertainment. 


You know, you are a funny guy in your columns but I just wish you would tone down your racial preferences. It makes it hard to enjoy the read when you saturate EVERYTHING with racist remarks. 

PM Godin

Umm... yup.

I still remember the first joke of yours I read in a Mop-Up that really made me laugh. It involved Vince McMahon saying something along the lines of an apology, and Bret Hart (then on Nitro) running back to Vince screaming, "I'm coming back Vince!" Before being called back by Bischoff, "Oh Bret, there's just the matter of this little contract we have."

That had to be about 6-7 years ago. I have read everything you have written since then. Whether it's been on Scoops, the not-so-often updated ScoopThis, to the early days of 411, and Flea's site. You have been something to look forward to each week, and I for one will miss you if this is the final Hi-8tus.

I have always enjoyed your work, whether mop-up, the great AAT series, or most recently at Scots' site(stixx still sucks.) Your book recommendations have been great. (I read Choke, then other Palahniuk books. I loved Muscle, and bought the Ric Flair book based off your review.) I wrote into your Guide to Life (the bodybuilder who wanted to live alone. I still enjoy my alone time, but have since branched out. I appreciate your advice on that.)

No matter what any message board fag said, I personally never thought you lost it, and I for one will miss your coulumns each monday and thursday. I only can hope and pray they don't replace you with Grut, I'd rather they bring Freakboy out of retirement from Scoops.

Thank you for all your efforts, you will be missed, and could never be replaced.

A Hyatte fan for 7 years.

p.s.- sorry there's no porn passwords.

Justin Godin

ASSHOLE! After all I've done???

Speaking of which, some guy sent me a free password to Twisty's... login had “whisky” in it... I lost the password you gave me, could you maybe, please, remind me? Thanks!

Hey, I'm not sure if this is some kind of stunt or something but if it's not then I have to say I'm sad to see you go. If you don't remember I was the one who took the "Hyatte Rules" sign to RAW a few months back. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for all the time and effort you've put into the column and thank you for the years of enjoyment. I've read you since ScoopThis and I can honestly say I've never been dissapointed. If it is true 

I hope that 411 does something special in acknowledging it because you're the reason I ever found the site and I know that goes for a lot of people. It was that surge in readers that helped move 411 forwards and get it on the track that it's on today. However, if it's just a joke, then I'll probably just laugh and swear that I knew it was the whole time. Anyhow, Thanks.


Goatboy... I can't believe my audience is filled with people named “Goatboy”

You can't possibly be serious about quitting! The fuck else are you gonna do with your time? Janitorise? Watch over a few more apartment buidings? This better be some kind of joke! I mean, not that you're above average or anything, but your stuff still passes the time. Who else are we supposed to read? Scooter?! Jeeze, first Jay Bower, now this....


You have quit so many times it has lost all meaning.



Here we go again. How many times have you and I gone through this? 

I've lost count. Too damn many.

I'm sure you have a damn good reason to abandon me again. After all we've been through. All the way back to about week 3 or 4 of the red-stripe days. 

I'll be waiting for you to resurface. I'm going into this thinking you'll get the itch again, maybe when you have more time. Hell, I don't even know why you're getting done (again) but I'm just hoping that this is in your blood enough that you'll be back, at 411 or some other place.

In short, thanks. Thanks for entertaining me, sometimes weekly, sometimes bi-weekly, sometimes every third week, whatever. I could log into whichever site you were writing for, and when I saw that you had another column posted, and I knew my day was gonna be better, if only for a little while. Cuz you make me laugh, chuckle-boy. 

So thanks. Have fun doing whatever it is you're going to be doing. Be happy, dammit.

I'll be here. And when you come back, I'll be ready to smile and laugh out loud reading a goddamn wrestling column on the internet.

Stay cool.

P.S. If this is a stunt, well that's cool, too. I just couldn't wait until Monday's column to see what the hell was gonna happen, as I'm going away to summer camp with my son tomorrow, and will be without net access for a week. If I get punk'd, so be it. That's the reason for this pre-emptive missive. I'd rather be punk'd than have to go Mondays 

without the Midnite News.I'll take my chances.


Bangor, Maine

Hyatte, you cocksucker! I go to the 411 site just about every day and many times read the commentaries by the various "writers". I really could not tell you any of their names, except yours. I have truly enjoyed your articles; not always agreeing with what you say, sometimes not totally understanding where you're coming from or going to (I am in my mid-40's, so I expect a "generation gap" there from time to time....), but I always finish it with a smile (or at least a smirk) on my face. And now, you're quitting! You're just like the goddam comics; my all time favorites were Peanuts (dead), then Bloom County (gone!), then Calvin and Hobbes (see ya!) and I fully expect Scott Adams to hang up Dilbert any day now. Just as I start to look forward to your columns, you up and take a powder on me. It just seems there's nothing left but a bunch of fucking limey bastards writing at 411 and frankly, they suck. Sure gonna miss you.

Whatever the reason(s), which I'm sure I'll read about Monday, best of luck to you in whatever you do and wherever you go. I hope things work out for the best for you. And remember, you leave behind many "fans" who truly enjoyed your work, like myself. Take care.

chuck forro

I'm disappointed you are leaving. I guess I'll find out why on Monday. I

always appreciated your column and I'm at a bit of a loss now because now I

may never know what Flea thinks about......anything.  Good luck in whatever

you do Chris. 


You mean, people actually CARED about what Flea thinks? Man, color me shocked!

And another thing... Would it be too much to ask for you to post the last 

column by your real name?

Thank you!

Marcus Christiansen, Hyatte fan #1

Sure, my last name is Isaacs

Just... thanks.




Noooooooooooooooo! You can't leave! I refuse to accept this. Your column is the only column I read regularly, and now what am I going to do? There are no other web writers as worthy as you are. None of them have the same online sex appeal and charisma. What am I supposed to do with all these pent up feelings? Lavish them on a wasteoid like Scooter? No way!

I wish you all the best and hope that whatever you're moving onto is a step up. You made 411 an enjoyable place to visit and I hope you don't forget about all the little people.

Take care, sex god, you'll remain in my fantasies always!


Aww thank you baby.... 

And of course, what letter section wouldn't be complete without...

good riddance you fucking prick. 


Hello, spudheads. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News and... well...

Every so often, I just KNOW a column will be more anticipated than most... like now.

You might have heard the news... or maybe you actually have a life and went out over the weekend... but I'll say it anyway and make it clear...this is my last column for 411. After this, I'll be gone.

See, Wade Keller offered me a paying slot in the Torch Newsletter! I am their new song parody man! YESSSSS!!!

No... I'm not going to the Torch. I'm just leaving the site.

So is Flea

So is Grut

So is Eric Szulczewski

So is Scott Keith

So are a few more...

Oh, and so is Widro.... you know, co-owner of 411.

Why? Well, we'll get into that later. Where are we going? Gimme me a sec here and I'll tell you.

So I'm wondering if I should do a full column... and decided... nah... why bother... if I did a full column and jammed the news at the end of it, you'd just scroll... however, if I put the news up top and filled the rest of the column with my usual nonsense, you'd be too STUNNED to read the rest!


So, a fast news story, then goodbyes, farewells, a lot of guest writers want to say bye too, and... blah blah blah...



Well, for starters there's the matter of Last Thursday's column, which showed up on Friday for a LOT of reasons, of of which are pretty lame. In the column is the announcement that gave a LOT of people a LOT to talk about over the weekend... plus some other stuff... none of it very interesting... aw hell, it was a bad column... I'll admit.

There's also this... my contribution to Hell Week 2. The Scotsman too a week off and allowed a bunch of writers to put up a column for his site. I send in a few thousand words about how great I am... and then proceeded to enjoy the ass chewing his readers gave me in response.... even though I pretty much outlined exactly how they would react and DARED them to react differently, they didn't. They went nuts. It was cool. Give it a look.


Last week, Dave Scherer posted a story about how WWE Diva Trish Stratus made a boo boo and recorded her lovemaking with some guy on film and now the film is put on the web... I loudly and obnoxiously made it clear that I wanted this tape/download.

Well, I saw it.

And... well, I don't know exactly what LimeWire is... but it seems to be a lot like Kazaa without the deadly computer crippling Spyware... it's a share system that lets you... share stuff. 

Well, on LimeWire there is a little download called “TRISH STRATUS XXX PORN TRY-OUT” or something. Flea got it for me and sent it over. It's a few minutes of Trish getting hammered by a big fat one next to a swimming pool.

And Jesus H Christ... that sexy little.... oh my God... it looks EXACTLY like her.

Except, it ain't her... it's this girl.

The look-a-like is named Rebecca Wild... and with her hair bouncing in her face and with the camera's focus being on... OTHER body parts, it's VERY easy to confuse the two. But the girl who looks like Stratus is Rebecca Wild.

How do I know? Because the boobs on the girl in the video is the same size, shape, design, and has the same scras as the girl in the pics I found... her titty records match!

PLUS, the video was a “professional” porn video... if Stratus HAD done any sort of sex tape, you can be sure that it would be one of those Pamela/Tommy Lee- Paris Hilton amateur “just for fun” things that some asshole decided to sell for a few bucks. The girl makes too much money to be working pro... 

And that's the BEST I got... some hard-core porn hunters spent all week scoruing the web for this video for me... and all I came up with is this. I don't care HOW good the WWE is... they can't wipe a goddam porn completely off the net. It will eventually show up SOMEWHERE.

So sorry, kids... it ain't her.


I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Pulsebitch, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because… 

You think HE cares where a bunch of web writers are going?


There ya go... now are we ready?



First of all... before you roll your eyes and bitch about how this is supposed to be a WRESTLING COLUMN, please keep in mind that you are a douchebag. Wrestling can last a week without this column devoted to it. And besides, this is VERY important.

Second of all... we are NOT the “Internet Four Horsemen”... 

We aren't the “Internet NWO” either... or the “Internet Evolution” or any other weak, WEAK name we feel we need to give ourselves in order to “get over”

What we are is we are following our friend.

Widro and Ashish run this site, but Widro wants to run a site on his own, so after a lot of heavy thinking, he decided to pull the trigger and go for it. 

He asked me to tag along - me and some other people.

We said yes. That's all there is to it.

I like Ashish. Ashish never bothered me. I have nothing but good things to say about Ashish, but Widro is one of my closest friends... he asked me to come with him and I said yes. End of story

Plus... well, what if I stayed and 411 took a big hit? Then I'd be left looking like an asshole who can't hold onto an audience! Uh uh, no way... Hyatte knows where his bread is buttered... and he knows which way the winds blowing. 

Widro IS co-owner of 411, and is responsible for most of what you see on this site. Him leaving is huge... 

But Ashish knows what he's doing, and is motivated by new challenges. So things should be fine here, once they recover.

Ah hell... why am I going on and on? I'll just have Widro explain everything... 


Widro: I guess I should explain. I know a lot of people are wanting answers, well I'm here to give them:

Whenever he got around to gracing us with his “presense”, Hyatte did a Thursday news column for 411. In it was a segment where I trashed some 411 writer and he would post it with the writer's name deleted. Ha Ha, very funny. Very original. I had to put everyone on block just to keep them from bugging me with “Is it me? Is it me?”

No it wasn't you. If you have to know:

On 5.31.04 I said: I hate (NAME DELETED) lately due to him being worthless, but thats probably temporary. I was talking about Hyatte

On 7.01.04 I said: I wish (NAME DELETED) would get off his ass and contribute to this website instead of sitting back and doing nothing. That was Hyatte I was talking about too. I was during one of his never announced weeks off. The flake.

And on 7.15.04 I said: I really hate (NAME DELETED) a lot Of course, I was talking about Osama Bin Ladin.

Thank you, see you at the Pulse!


So for those writers who were wondering! THAT'S who Widro was talking about.

And... did you see the LINK? Is that a CLUE! Aha, it is!

And while we're on the topic, a few more people would like to say goodbye...

Umm, you better get ready for this first one... this might shock you a little...


Okay, take it way... SCOTSMAN

You know, I'm going to miss 411 a lot. Whenever I had something to pimp, or wanted something off my Amazon wishlist, I'd syndicate whatever rambling column of the moment I had from my own site on 411. If I didn't even have a column, I'd just find something from my archives and send it to Widro anyway. "YO DUDE I JUST CRANKED THIS OUT - 411 EXCLUSIVE! PLS POST AND GIVE IT SPOTLIGHT!" and Widro would, just because we had one of those type of friendships which allowed me to abuse, whenever I wanted.

Of course, I'll be going with Widro to the new site so I better not badmouth him too much. Oh who fucking cares? It's not like I write anyway, and if he ever asks me about it I'll just say "LOL I WAS DOIN' IT FOR DA READERS!! IT'S ALL A WORK BRO!!!" and he'll fall for it, hook, line and nigger. Sinker. I mean sinker.

I remember the first time I ever had communication with Widro. I had just been fired from The Smarks, and Widro sent me an e-mail stating that 411 loved fired writers...HINT HINT HINT. I e-mailed him back telling him to go fuck himself, and I'd never lower myself to 411. A few months later, The Smarks merged with 411.


I really don't have too much more to say, except that I hope all the faggots in 411games die really soon.


I know I will. At, next Monday.



The Scotsman... who really wasn't HERE all that much to begin with... and brought, like, NO hits whenever he did do something but... well, we're happy to have him!

Who else wants to say goodbye? Well, that little scamp who caught my attention a few years ago and has since grown to second guess every move I've ever made in the short time I've known him... and is probably the best fiction writer I've ever called friend... he's short, he's whiny, he's Jewish... 


411. I came here almost exactly 3 years ago to the day. Widro said I wouldn’t last for 6 months, but Chris Hyatte left for a bit and I almost immediately became pretty much the second biggest draw the site had. Eric will tell you differently. Eric LIES! I won two awards for best column and my fans showed me time and time again why they are the most amazing people in my life besides my immediate family, and even one of them sucks pretty bad right now. 

But the fans grew bored of my bad jokes and increasingly similar and unmoving fiction stories. I grew tired of Hyatte and Keith’s bickering. I grew tired of Ashish ignoring me and constant lies from Widro. Just lie after lie after lie. Randle didn’t worship me the way I thought he would, Flea came and went at his leisure, and Grut vs. Daniels… well, let’s say that I was the only one who wanted to get it done. Daniels, where the fuck are you, you queer? That’s right, Daniels is gay. Eric S. and I were getting along fine until he decided he hated me. Friends like Morse and Carlos disappeared. And so did the fans. They don’t care about Grut anymore. The only one I respect, the only one to truly stay honest and nice to me has been PK. 

PK never lied to me, he never betrayed me. He has been a good and compassionate friend. He is the only thing I’ll miss about this whole stinking site. 







I love PK. Goodnight. 411. Goodnight… FOREVER! 

See most of you at

Grut... who I predict will go about 6 weeks at the new place before demanding that Widro starts paying him.

ohh, how very emotional... brings a tear to my eye.

Of course, Grut wasn't the ONLY now famed IWC entity that I discovered... there was another young stallion with a talent for original writing, interesting observations, and frequent lectures on how bad I suck now compared to years ago. He may not know how to properly pronounce the word “theater”, but he knows how to say goodbye in style...

Take it away... FLEA

Not sure if you noticed...

No one's left.. 

Where have we seen this before?


Flea- who has his own site to take care of, but we're still better off with him on board, even part-time.

Someone ELSE wants to say goodbye too... I may have not discovered him, but I for damn sure pointed Widro at him! He's loud, he's cranky, he's damn near brilliant, and he looks at dead cows for a living. It is the one with who handles the newswriting during the week and the one with the unpronounceable last name... 


"Perfection itself is a fault

We stumble and blunder for better results" - The Prefects, "Faults"

"I'm looking for one new value, but nothing comes my way" - Iggy Pop

Well, that's two and a half years plus down the drain, huh? We're leaving 411 and striking out on our own, ridding ourselves of the baggage that we've accumulated in the process. For the past year plus, this site has tried to bring you everything in the world of 

entertainment in one easy-to-read package. But the package hasn't been easy to read lately. You've seen the ads that inundate this site, unless you're like me and have three layers of ad blocking software running. And they still come through on occasion. And that's only one of the complaints that a lot of us have had over the recent months. 411 

has become a commercial entity, and there's been a push to start having the writers behave in a more commercial fashion. 411 is becoming safe to read, homogenized, sanitized for your protection like some hotel toilet.

The vision has been lost. The mission has been compromised. And the abort button has been pushed by some key people, people like me who don't want to lose an edge that's been finely honed like those on my knives at work. Like at work, I want to cut cleanly and sharply, but I keep hitting bone and my knife keeps dulling out. No amount of steeling helps to keep that sharpness. So now I have to pull out my stones and start grinding away, trying to get the edge back. And I find that I can only do that at a place that provides an atmosphere to do so.

I've made a lot of compromises in my work for the benefit of the site. I've pulled my political commentary out of the wrestling columns in order to provide my Black column with material. People were pissed off that the Smackdown Short Form dared have content not relating to Smackdown in it. Well, fuck them and fuck you. No more compromises. The line is drawn here. And since 411's formula doesn't allow for such 

deviation anymore in the name of some sort of conceptual purity that doesn't exist, the line has to be drawn separating me from 411.

I'm heading to Inside Pulse with the rest of the people who are commenting in this special edition of Hyatte's column. Let me just state that they're a big reason I'm doing this. To have colleagues as talented and wonderful as these...shit, you can't buy a better lineup. 

You'll get the same quality you've come to expect from 411 in the past over there. Follow us and come over starting next week.

So I'll end this off by saying thank you for the opportunity to entertain you, and hope that you join us next week over at Inside Pulse. If you care not to...well, there are three words that describe you: You're. A. Moron.

Eric Szulczewski... who hasn't written much over the last couple of weeks, so I'm guessing that he will open up at the new site with all guns blazing. 

I guess that just leaves me to say goo... oh right... I almost forgot.

Are you sitting down? Take a couple of deep breathes now.

Someone else wants to say goodbye....

ahem.... Scooter, the floor is yours...

Three years is a long time. 

- Andre the Giant

As teased and noted in various places at various points in the past week, this is the last hurrah for many of us at 

Not a joke, or a dream sequence, or the ending to an M. Night Shymalan movie, my nearly 3-year association with 411 came to a rather quiet end on Monday, as the RAW rant for Aug 2 was my final one for the website.

Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself “Sure, I can understand a guy like whats-his-name getting turfed from 411, hell I would have done it myself had I been running the site, but an upstanding and handsome guy like Scott? Are you shitting me?”

No way, man, I’m not, as the kids say, “shitting you”. Now, DON’T PANIC. I know that for many of you, most of whom are reading this column right now only because of the rumor that I would have something to say in it, life as you know it will end when I leave 411. For you I say “Hang on, trooper!” And I know the rest of you who are reading this column only do it because you’re so desperate for anything to read after finishing my rants that you’re willing to stoop to this guy’s column. I mean, C’MON. You know you’d really rather be reading me. It’s okay, you can admit you’re a fan of mine, deep down. Everyone is, more or less. 

Now, you’re probably also thinking “But Scott,” (and it’s okay, while normally I don’t let the little people such as those who read this column address me on a first name basis, this time it’s the last column anyway, so there’s some leeway), “how will this affect your upcoming book on the fall of the WWE, Wrestling’s One Ring Circus, available October 2004 in bookstores everywhere?” Good question, uh, whatever your name is. And the answer of course is best summed up in the form of another question: What are you, a moron? Don’t even waste my time with stupid questions like that. You’re lucky I’m even taking the 15 minutes required to type this up and fill space in this column. Asshole. Now go buy my book. 

But I digress.

Back to the subject at hand, which is “Why do I, a regular reader of this column, deserve to read the thoughts of someone as brilliant as Scott?” The obvious answer is “You don’t”, but that’s too obvious. No, I’d like to think that in fact I’m doing you a favor by slumming it and allowing this column to share in my thoughts on this, the last day of its life on 411. Kind of a neighborhood beautification program for the online world, if you will. So with that in mind, let’s get to the real reason you decided to read this column today: Me. 

A Tribute to Me.

by Me

(foreword by Me)

Trillions of years ago, the universe was created. Then, for a long time, there was nothing. 

In 2001, after the disintegration of Wrestleline, I joined, and everyone was happy. Mostly Widro and Ashish. Then, wrestling started sucking. Somewhere along the line, I moved in with my girlfriend and got a cat. The end.

Later, something else happened, but I can’t talk about it yet.

The end. Again.

That’s all you get. Back to your regularly scheduled column…

Scott Keith

.... ya know, when he doesn't give a shit, he can be damn funny.

I just think he couldn't resist the idea of getting a plug for his book in this column.

Anyway... now it's my turn. I'll make it quick.

When a young, innocent Internet badass on the verge of total burnout found himself without a site after ScoopThis shut down, I was picked up here by Widro and Ashish... 411 was a small site at the time, it had been around for a while and had a fairly good rep, but it was small. It wasn't a big deal.

Now, four years later, it's huge. I'd like to think I had something to do with it.


But in turn, they helped me. I knew the Mop-Ups were toast by the time I came on, but I did more anyway, and they sucked. But my AAT's were great...

And they were open to my ideas... The Midnight News came because Ashish got sick, or a new job... so I tried it, and like everything else I did, I let it grow into the clusterfucking half-assed mess you see almost twice every week. 

And you'll see THE SAME clusterfucking half-assed mess almost twice a week at the new place too. I'm SO one trick it's not even funny

But I had no problems with Ashish, like I said up top. In fact, the only REAL fights I've had with my webmaster here was with Widro... but the cool thing is that he never stays mad and we end up laughing about it later.

Ashish is a bright guy, and he's motivated, and he likes a challenge. 411 is keeping all of the young, fresh minds and is only losing the old burn-outs. There is still value at this site. There is still a LOT to see. I helped them get here, and I'm proud of it.

Oh, and I'm no longer Forum Administrator... Big Mike Watters couldn't WAIT to throw me out. YOU HEAR ME, DOUCHEBAGS??? THE HYATTE NIGHTMARE IS OVER!!!! YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR NORMAL RIDICULOUS POSTING!!

I'll say this, I made some of my best friends while here at 411. And for the first time, I had webmasters who backed up every play I made... every word I said... and everything I've done. Probably because they never read my columns so didn't know what I was up to.

It's a good site... this one here. And a lot of young new writers with young, new ideas deserve to be checked out. I'm leaving the site... WE'RE leaving the site in good hands... and in much better shape then when I came in.

It's funny, when I came aboard, the site's main players were Ashish, Widro, Gamble, Daniels, and Gagnon... now that I'm leaving, the main players are Ashish, Gamble, Wi... oh, Widro's the reason I'm leaving... Dan... oh, right, Daniels is with us too... and gag... oh shit, Gagnon just quit..

No, Gagnon's not coming with us. He spent too many columns blatantly stealing my ideas to come. Fuck him.

Anyway... next Monday, this column will open up Someone will take this space here at 411 and will be great at it. I'm confident.

I'm also out of here. 

Did you assholes REALLY think I was gonna retire? Come on... like I have anything ELSE going for me?

This is Hyatte