The Midnight News
Admit it you're curious...
The best way to introduce myself, or re-introduce myself, or... to catch up is to show what people who wrote on the same site as I did a couple of months ago thought of me. You may have seen these quotes before, but they bear repeat viewing just one last time:
my little public service announcement:
For those wondering, you know, if you wonder these kinds of things: Chris Hyatte no longer writes for Inside Pulse. He claims he quit, but quitting doesn't get all of your columns purged from the database now, does it?
And the moral of the story is, don't be a dramamonkey or YOU'RE NEXT.
Plus quitting doesn't have the phrase "Hyatte is fired once V2 starts" circulating for months, now does it?
(There were never any memos)
The guy sucked. I mean, his columns stunk up the place, in my less than humble opinion.
IP is wise to can him, because the site's image is immediately raised with him gone.
And, I'm sure I don't need to tell you, since you didn't lock this post he's reading it.
Some asshole who's not EVEN a writer on my old site, just a glom wannabe.
If nothing else I'm glad for the firing because I hate the little inside bullshit tossed in there about me and other people every now and again. I don't like having to be on my toes for that stuff and it was upsetting on more than one occasion, to the point where he could have gotten fired much sooner if I had raised a stink about it. I chose to be diplomatic though because, well, I can take care of myself. Funny considering all the times he swore up and down he could get all of my other friends fired from IP with a snap of his fingers; he didn't realize I had his position resting on a snap of mine at one point.
And none of us will feel the loss because he didn't do anything to help the site. He didn't pimp anyone, he didn't give any constructive input, nothing. So he can take his remaining 4000 readers and IP will hardly notice the blip. The question is, will he cause more drama via other websites, or will he walk away quietly and spend his days waiting for Trish to retire so they can finally be together and make a pile of babies?
I love the IWC!
-This would be Gloomchen, again.
I assure you, there will be no baby making with me and Trish Stratus. Never even met the girl.
What amazed me about the whole situation were the guy's delusions of grandeur, like his statemnent that without him there'd be no Inside Pulse. Not to mention that the hypocrisy of Hyatte ripping on people who had blogs but then him having a blog of his own was good for a chuckle.
Another asshole who sort of does write for the site, but I can't be bothered to remember his name anymore. And no one reading this would care.
Hyatte will be back, he didn't quit nor did he get fired. He will only not be back if he finds another website willing to host him and flower him and chandy him.
This would be from someone named "NYSlayer"
What the hell does "chandy" mean?
I wouldn't doubt that for a minute; although not right now, as I think Widro is more than happy to axe anyone who is giving him a headache. Honestly though, the guy is long since burned out. It's time for him to retire or at least take one hell of a long vacation.
-Gloomchen, Gloomchen, Gloomchen
You feelin' the love yet?
And to answer a couple of questions:
nice! i read his stuff on 411 if thats the same guy. at least there will be someone on the DOI staff besides mic and zevon who write something. oh yeah john5 also but the other scrubs need to go!
Yes, I'm the same guy.
isn't he the guy who thought he was having the real Tammy Sytch write columns for him but of course it wound up being a fake?
Yup, I'm him. Boy, I got hosed on that one. I sure did. And IT WAS A DUDE!! And to make matters worse, this DUDE now spends his time whining about his miserable life in a Live Journal. Yeah, totally hosed on that one.
To be fair he did try to cyberfuck me as Tammy... and, well there are rumors floating about the girl that... well... umm...
No, that's someone else. This is the guy who is real tight with Trish Stratus.
I'm actually real tight with a Trish Stratus imposter... who is very, VERY good at it... I THINK this one really is a chick too.
Chris Hyatte licked Kevin nash's asshole once
Well, not Kevin Nash's... but I have been in prison... so... well, you know.... it ain't fuckin Disneyworld in there, ya' know!
chris hyatte once massaged billy firehawks right nipple then sucked the n***er milk out of it!
I never did get my cell-mate's name, so you might be onto something there.
no that was hyatte. he printed columns from some other columnist that convinced him he was tammy. also he sux the cox.
Boy, was my face RED on that one.
No, No. Chris Hyatte is the fat cum dumpster who feared Scotsman. Also he has sex with underage girls.
I'm not fat. I respect the Scotsman, and who wants to have sex with a 35 year old? Jesus H.
Anyway.... listen. My name is Chris and welcome to the Midnight News. Maybe you know me, or OF me... or maybe not. But I should say a few things here.
This column isn't NEWS, not really... and it hasn't been posted at Midnight since 2001... so yeah, you just clicked on one giant LIE.... you can leave now. I got the hit. MiC probably has never seen a surge in traffic like this before... so before I did a single thing, you've just help my status as Legend renew itself. Thanks!
So if it's not news, then what is it? I like to call it an Entertainment Column. If you don't take me or this business very seriously, you'll like it. If you do take it seriously, like... if it's your livelihood... well, suck it up. I'm going to bust your balls and the balls of your friends and the balls of your enemies and people you don't like. Equal opportunity ball-breaking here. Deal with it. Others have. I'm not going to affect a single penny you make or not make. And I won't be a fucking dickhead blowhard know-it-all like Dave Scherer or Mike Johnson.
And if ONE of you assholes bitch about me "never taking a bump in my life"... I swear to Christ I'll... umm...
No, I won't do anything... you Indy guys are psychos. I have a gun and no one knows my address. Good luck finding me.
This will primarily be a Big Time Wrestling column... meaning WWE and TNA news. I do this only because... well, I don't follow the Indys... can't keep track of all these names. Here's what I know about the Indys:
1: Frank Goodman runs these marathon shows in Queens once a month, and has a hotline where he sounds pretty much like every loutish New Yawk Howard Stern wannabe I've ever heard, but the marathon shows are usually really cool. Melter gives them props. Scherer doesn't (but he doesn't go to New York other than to visit the bathhouses) and Wade Keller probably never heard of Queens, New York (Wade puts the "Why" in "White Boy")
2: I think Chris Candido got hurt. Where is he anyway? How bad is he hurt? Is this a work?
3: The Blue Meanie lost a fight with Bradshaw, lost the fight with fast food, lost his Porno girlfriend, lost his wrestling company, lost any chance at suing the WWE, and works at a porn video store.
4: Someone named Dana Dameson has a butter face and accused every asshole who looked at her funny with sexual assault. Nice rack tho'
5: April Hunter and Slyk Wagner Brown broke up. If they couldn't keep it together, what chance do ANY of us have?
6: Someone named Billy Reil had his houses burned down by Russians.
7: Pretty much everyone in the Indys has full-blown Aids and has raped someone
8: Rob Feinstein was up to no good recently
9: Gabe Saplosky has a wife who... umm... she may be up to no good either, and Joel Gertner may be involved for crying out loud!!
10: Justin Credible works at Target
11: And I ain't going NEAR this whole messy Homicide/Mafia thing... if his name was "Aggravated Assault" or at least "Statutory Rape", I'd mess around with it... but one thing I learned in this short life is to NEVER fuck with someone named "Homicide". And "New Jack" rules too! Just leave me alone. Mr 'Cide... SIR!
So yeah, I need to learn a few things as we go. Should be interesting. Stick around or bail out and whine to MiC. I have no problems if this doesn't work out.
Guess what... it WILL work out! I'm fucking good at this.
Oh, and I AM a fan of wrestling... it's just getting very tough these days. As you all well know.
Anyway, that's all the pretext I'll be doing. Now we do some segments. Lots of stuff here... plenty of diversity.
WHEN YOU DEMAND A REFUND YOU'LL GET NO MERCY!!
Hasn't been a great week for the WWE, despite the big Homecoming return to USA.
And to top it all off, they had a PPV from the red-headed stepchild of their company, Smackdown.
But with Vince giving his full attention to keeping Raw stockpiled with all the big names and stories, the blue brand had almost NO push for their PPV... it was an afterthought.
It's just not fair! I mean, the pay-offs for this show is going to SUCK... these workers have mouths to feed... rats to buy stuff for... growth enhancers to buy. Jeeze, I heard rumors that Orlando Jordan is filling his gas tank and driving off WITHOUT PAYING! Why do YOU think his 'fro is like that? IT'S FROM RUNNING AWAY FROM THE COPS! RUN, YOU BASTARD!! LIKE THE WIND!! RUN!!
Anyway, there WAS a show and the boys worked their asses off....
1) The New LOD and the New Torrie Wilson beat the New MNM and the New Lita: This Melina will be in next year's draft and she'll be at Raw by May. She's going to lead the next generation of Divas for the next 5 years. MAN, is she hot...
... and yet... when the camera catches her in a bad shot... the girl sometimes... just sometimes... OCCASIONALLY... sort'a looks like a chimpanzee... sometimes.... once in a while... RARELY... but... yeah
2) Bobby Lashley beat Simon Dean and made him eat cheeseburgers all night. How does that Lashley even MOVE? He's so black... I MEAN musclebound!! He's so musclebound!
I don't care WHAT they make Simon Dean do... you just KNOW he's smiling and thinking to himself, "Least I ain't Meanie!"
You could do a LOT worse then spend the night eating cheeseburgers, ya' know. Them boys are tasty.
3) Chris Benoit, who is actually treated better here at Smackdown as US champ than he was on Raw as WORLD champ, made Christian tap out while the other two either watched or punched each other. Later, Christian was seen moaning, "Didn't I used to get to fuck Trish every week? The bloody HELL?? Can't I do that again??"
4) Ken Kennedy, who's star is rising, beat Bob Holly... and I'm sure will get rewarded by getting STIFFED throughout their tour of Europe and Asia next month... and Holly will beat the crap out of him - Hooker style- too.
5) JBL ended up beating Rey Mysterio. JBL is a lot better than given credit for.
6) After enough shenanigans to make the Undertaker look like he HASN'T aged 50 years in the 15 he's been with the company (I don't care HOW dead he is, no MAN wears eye-shadow) and to make sure he STILL looks good... Randy Orton and his Papi put him in the Casket. I maintain that Randy looks more like Paul Orndorff than Ace Bob.
7) Juventud defeated Nunzio for the Chooserweight title. Not even the marks give a shit.
8) Batista pinned Eddie and Eddie didn't go full out Heel. Meanwhile, has anyone wondered why Batista, who is actually OLDER than Triple H, looks so good while Hunter has been accused of over-all puffiness? THAT, my friends, is the definition of "Job Security"
And that was the show. I don't like recapping PPVs because there isn't much general fun to be had with them... plus I probably didn't order it. Not when I have all these ROH TAPES TO WATCH!! YEAH!!
BEEF AND BROCKORRI
So one might be wondering how Brock Lesnar managed to win the IWGP Jap title even tho' his WWE contract says he can't work for the next ten years?
I have no fucking clue. All I know is that Terri Runnels said Brock had this teeny, tiny little red penis... which, of course, makes him PERFECT for Japan!!
I woinder how many times Brock said: "I told you, I don't WANT any flied lice!!" before catching on? Heh... HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA The wit!
THE GOLD(BERG) STANDARD
It was SO CLOSE to happening... and it WILL happen, but not just yet...
For reasons that I doubt anyone will be able to truly figure out, the WWE is going to try to move out Jim Ross for someone younger, handsomer, and Jewisher... so of course they went and tried to hire a guy who knows NOTHING about Pro Wrestling, Mike Goldberg... (let's see... younger? Check. Handsomer? Check. Jewisher? Oy VEY check!) from UFC... from SPIKE'S UFC...
And Goldberg was just about ready to join... it was so DONE that the WWE didn't even try to put down those rumors... and even bragged that Vince is going to fire someone tonight.
Then Goldberg... and I KNOW he surfed the net for this... backed out, like, at the last possible second... said no thank ye and BAILED...
Smartest move the man ever made.... I don't even KNOW him and I'll say that.
Money aside, and I'm sure a LOT of it was at stake, Goldberg probably looked online a bit and realized, A: This just wasn't anyone he was replacing, it was one of the few guys in the WWE who no fan really compalins about. B: It'll take YEARS for anyone to forgive him for replacing everyone's favorite announcer. C: He covers UFC for the love of Christ... how the fuck is he going to sell fake wrestling without giggling? D: Vince ain't a fun guy to work for. E: His daughter isn't a walk in the park either. F: The boys get the BEST rats AND the Divas on the side too. G: Look at what happens to these wrestling commentators... cancer (Heenan, Gordon Solie, Jesse Ventura), frozen faces (JR, Lawler), death (Gorilla Monsoon, Gordon Solie, Mr. Perfect), cops try to kill them (Lawler), baldness (Mike Tenay, Scott Hudson, Micheal Cole, Heyman ((well, not technically))), they get fat (Tazz, Tony Schiavone, Jim Ross, Mark Madden), they turn into drunkards (.... All of them).
Now... despite the whining, it may be time to switch up announcers... change is good and no one should be THE Voice of any particular show for TOO long... even Gorilla Monsoon stepped down... and despite the outcry now, the truth is JR isn't selling John Cena like he did Stone Cold. He hasn't seemed too into it for a long time. Maybe he knew his time was coming to a close?
Anyway... if they want to hire someone WITH a good wrestling background who IS pretty handsome and NEED the work and WILL work for peanuts... I say hire Scott Hudson! Why not? He'll do a solid job.
Plus he didn't kill Christ! Always a plus in your play-by play man!
FOR THE RECORD...
Hyatte never spellchecks... something which I'm SURE you've discovered (or been reminded of) by now.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get
their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
If there is ANYONE who can get April Hunter off the dark meat for good... it's him!
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Oh, and Hyatte could too. Hi April, baby! Ready for a guy with PERSONALITY for a change?
LADIES LOVE COOL HY
Probably not the BEST segment for my opening column, sort'a reeeking with over-inflated arrogance... but oh well.
I recently had an IN-DEPTH INTERVIEW with current OVW Princess/WWE Diva in training Alexis Laree. Witness the smooth jack of the Hi-8:
Hyatte1com: Stratus needs you Laree! Hurry up and debut before she breaks her back carrying this Ashley girl. Quality, baby. She needs a quality challenge!
Hyatte1com: okay, it's understood that OVW is probably the hottest thing going right now and no one in their right mind would want to leave it while all this fun is being had... but think of poor Trish, honey. Look at who she has to work with for the next couple of months. The girl NEEDS you, kid! Okay, that's it for me. Have a good weekend.
ALaree: who is this
ALaree: its not up 2 me
Hyatte1com: I know, I'm being a wiseass
Hyatte1com: my name is Chris Hyatte. One of those writer guys with enough of an audience to make my ego all puffy. That's pretty much it.
ALaree: 4 what
ALaree: meaning who do u write 4
Hyatte1com: Inside Pulse.com. Umm, was at 411mania for a while. Scoops back when you were still in High School.
ALaree: ohhh Ok
Hyatte1com: yeah, cut and paste sites!!
ALaree: well thanks 4 your support
Hyatte1com: I've had your SN here for a while... like years. Haven't bothered you until today, won't bother you for a long time now. But if you ever want a free Torch, let me know
ALaree: ok thanks
Hyatte1com: and now that you've labeled me as a lame-ass mark, and a possibly unhinged Trish fanatic my job is, naturally, done. Peace baby.
ALaree: lol ok c ya
Haven't heard from her since. But I will. I have a way of crawling in the female head and making myself cozy.
Didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't support OVW. Never been to a show, will never order a tape. Could not care any less. Beyond that, not sure how I was supporting her. But I thought I'd let her think so. Score some points.
That isn't her real screen name, by the way, so don't go putting the girl on your buddy list.
.... bitch totally dismissed me... ME!! Why I oughta...
.... just so you know, I have been laid... no, in REAL life... coupl'a times... YES WITH A WOMAN... no I didn't have to pay. A LIVE WOMAN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! Wasn't Mom either... well, it was, but not ONLY Mom...
Did I mention that I am really close with a Trish Stratus Impersonator? Well I am.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
Now... you see... that is AWESOME.... take notes, people!
In fact, fuck it, lemme show you what I mean...
THE NEXT BIG THING!!
One thing you can't HELP but notice with Indy wrestling is how unoriginal everything is. So, since I am now plying my... ugh... craft at the HUB all all things Independent... and since I'm jammed PACKED with original ideas (and yet, oddly unambitious and generally dog-assed lazy), I thought I'd help myself "get over" (ooo, inside carny talk!) with you by offering this weekly segment:
What wrestling needs is brand new, never before seen, GIMMICKS... I mean, is it law that EVERY FUCKING CHEAP-ASS COMPANY has to have some 150 pound Italian douche with the white man's nappy 'fro work his matches in a Tuxedo and call himself "Gorgeous Geeno" or "Louie the Ladies Man" or "Mario the Model"? NO MORE! WE NEED NEW GIMMICKS! AND HYATTE CAN SUPPLY
Billy Goat: This Heel character works best when he's facing a Babyface with a Sweet as Pie valet. They have the match... typical Indy lousiness, and just as the Face is about to launch into his big comeback and score the pin, the Heel pisses all over himself and the Sweet as candy Valet turns Heel, does something Heelish to the Face, and Billy Goat gets the evil win and starts making out with the now bad girl over the limp, probably drunk Face amid the boos and the crying children!!
The beauty is, we have DRAMA as the Bad Girl gets over the scent of Billy Goat's piss and spends the next show apologizing profusely to the Face for turning on him... and then for the rematch, Billy Goat pisses on himself again and, as the Sweet as Pie Valet fights her inner rat-like ways, some plant chick in the crowd succumbs to the Piss Pheremone and SHE interferes on his behalf! A cat fight ensues... an UNTRAINED Catfight! DRAMA, INDY DRAMA!!!
THEN... for the THIRD rematch, Billy Goat pisses on himself, but it backfires and the Promoter turns gay (I doubt it'll be an ACT) and tries to make out with him in the ring. Billy Goat refuses. The promoter shouts, "YOU WANNA WORK HERE??? THEN SUCK!" Billy Goat says, "Whoa! This ain't Ring of Honor!" but the Face rolls him up and gets the win!
BOOM.... the Billy Goat has plenty of piss in him to live to fight another day! And I just gave one smart wrestler in need of a character a HELL of a gimmick! Feel free to steal it!
Well Jesus H... it's better than calling yourself "Deranged" for chrissakes!
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Once upon a time I started this net thing with something called the Mop-Ups. A recap of Raw and Nitro that taught the WORLD how to laugh.
Alas, with all things pertaining to me, I got sick of it and threw it away for something new and shiny... plus, well shit, you ever try recapping five friggin' hours of Monday night wrestling? And making it a goddam PRESENTATION? It ain't easy, kids.
Anywhoo... now that TNA is doing Impact on Spike... and it's an hour... WITH commercials... why not bring back the Mop-Up. If I can't do a fast hour with goofable material just ACHING to be goofed on... well then, I might as well become a Lounge writer for the Torch and write shallow "in-depth" exposes on why Cena sucks and suck up to Pat McNeil for 5 paragraphs..
(disclaimer: the material you're about to skim through is going to seem like I'm pissed and angry and not evehn a fan and you will be tempted to write an e-mail accusing me of being a cocksucker and never taking a bump. before you do, re-read the top of this column and cheerfully go blow a booker for a curtain jerk spot)
(disclaimer 2: I was doing this long before "Mojo Mitchell", who is actually a pretty mellow, nice guy but fuck him too)
TNA IMPACT: (or Takes a LOT of money to sell for Double J)
-Opens with that mini-clip they've been using since Fox Sports Net where a lot of guys are screaming and the camera is shaking, to show the INTENSITY of the IMPACT.... Star Trek did that 30 years ago and Jeff Jarrett is NO Bill Shatner. Monty Brown is no Spock Nimoy either, because that logic is a MUTHAFUCKER to figure out!
-The Dudley boys promise to do as little as possible while sucking on the teet of Dixie's wallet!
-Brother Bubble claim that the "two men who have made the biggest impact in tag team history are HERE!" They signed The Fantastics? NO FUCKING WAY!?!?!? WHAT A COUP!!
-One of them also promised to win "the most prestigious set of tag team titles in the HISTORY of the business!" Oh n-word PLEASE. Now you're just brown-nosing.
-Brother Bubble should've stuttered. It's like tradtional with him.
-Opening theme, which is NOTHING like Raw... nope. All new and totally innovative.
-We see that Raven was arrested for... umm.... is he still doing the Gen X disallusioned youth thing? Dude is almost 40!!
-WAIT!! Did a camera crew catch him knocking at the door of some hot male pre-teen too? You crazy workers!
-Mike Tenay, SCREAMING as if he knows he's about to be replaced by a handsome Jew, welcomes us to "Wrestling's New Alternative". Funny, "The New Wrestling Alternative" looks a LOT like your standard second hour of Nitro circa: 1998-2000.
-Team Canada comes oot. One of them screams and jumps back when one of those pyros go off. Ha! Canadian Pussy. Typical.
-I don't know any of these guys names and I ain't checking to learn them. Let repetition teach me all I needs to know!
-Just as Tenay carries on about the FRESHNESS, the INNOVATION, the YOUNG STARS THAT IS TNA....
-Out comes 3 Live Crew... Jesus H... was Road Dogg ever over?
-Was Konan? NO HE WASN'T!!
-Konan came out wearing a hankerchief around his mouth. I see someone like that coming towards me on the street I throw my girlfriend at him and run like Hell!
-Konan does his thing that hasn't change a BIT since 1999 (heh, me too!). And it was lame in '99 too! Hasn't aged well either.
-Jesse James does a variation of his thing that he's been doing since 1999 too... only fatter. HA... the new Wrestling Alternative... yeah, okay.
-Ron Killings is breakdancing. I repeat, HE'S BREAKDANCING.
-Quick! How can you tell when a bunch of rednecks are booking a "hip, street gang" gimmick? When the "posse" consists of a white guy, a Mexican, and a black dude... and none of them are under 35.
-The Canadian manager, who looks like he should be doing taxes for a living, started in on the announcers. Mike Tenay shrieked, "YOU GET OUT OF HERE!!! GET OUT OF HERE!!" Hasn't he been doing that a lot lately? Just acting tough and sneering at all the heels? What a dweeb.
-So they are wrestling. At one point Konan starts throwing his shoes at one of the Canadians. This is called the "Ike TurnerCarrana". The Canuck sold as if he knew he had no shot at the WWE, not even a dark match for Velocity.
-Billy Bad Ass James came out, sat down, and stared at the clock waiting until the segment was over so he can go home.
-They teased a re-union between the New Age Outlaws.... apparently this has been an 12 month (and counting) epic journey that isn't exactly making Vince McMahon lose sleep.
-Ron Killings had an epileptic seizure in the ring but was smart enough to spazm an arm across and Canuck's chest for the win. Wasn't "The Truth" supposed to carry this company to greatness once upon a time? What happened to that?
-We get to see the X-Match set-up get set-up while someone tells us that this is the coolest match since... ever. Bullshit. The coolest gimmick match ever is the old Scaffold Match from the NWA 80's! It's where professionals like Ricky Morton and Bobby Eaton climb up top, yell, "FUCK KAYFABE, I AIN'T FALLING!" and hung on for dear life while throwing baby-assed punches at each other.
-Chris Daniels, who looks like Gillberg with a chicken neck fought Austin Aries (with some over-dressed chick) and HBK's cousin. Mike Tenay screamed, "TNA LISTENS TO ITS FANS AND BROUGHT IN AUSTIN ARIES!! WE LISTEN TO OUR FANS!!"
-Okay, which one of you "fans" demanded that Jarrett get the title back?
-Heh, if TNA REALLY is listening to their fans, they would hear, "What? What the fuck is this shit on Spike? Where the hell is Triple H??"
-This X Division style match did what it's supposed to do... three white guys smashing each other around, only selling enough to show each other respect, blowing off any sort of story. Call it White Boy Lucha.
-Daniels did something that Tenay called "One of the slickest moves you'll ever see!". Yeah, wait 'till I get my night web camera going and tape myself trying to take a piss with the light out. 80% of the time I actually get it in the toilet!!
-More white guys ran in and a whole brawl... a whole X-BRAWL went down! Daniels won and celebrated by eating leaves off the top of a tree.
-Video spot for Abyss. Thumbtacks... great. How long before he rapes then marries one of the chicks there?
-Abyss, who is just pretending to be Kane pretending to be Mankind beats Sonny Siaki, who tried to pretend to be the Rock for a bit, but didn't have a shred of charisma and still doesn't and didn't he kill Candido or something? Well, they wrestled. Jim Mitchell made a general douchebag of himself. When can they toss him back to the Karaoke bars once and for all? He doesn't belong anywhere else but in some Tennesee ginhouse singing "Sunshine of Our Love" at 1 am.... dressed like Sinatra circa 1975.
-And what asshole fluffs his eyebrows like that? Jesus.
-Video for Samoa Joe... who shadowboxes for a full 10 seconds and is clearly sweating because of it. Heh...
-Larry Zybysko calms down a clearly outraged Mike Tenay (who knew Tony Schiavone was such a master at keeping this hotheaded drunk relaxed?) by bringing out Chico Ortiz
-Tito, Hyatte. His name is TITO
-That's what I said, CHICO!
-Old school RULES, yo! APPRECIATE!!
-Anyway, Chico will be the guest "Enforcer" (They couldn't afford Tyson) for the Jarrett/Nash match at "Bound for Glory". Chico says that there are two rules here. 1 being to respect him as the referee now and two is to never lay a hand on him. SHOULD there be failure to comply (oooo, UFC talk!!), the punishment will be quick, the punishment will be severe, and the punishment will be final! (Let's just hope the punishment isn't another one of these 5 minute that seem like 20 promos from the dude.)
-This, of course, brings out Jarrett... who has his usual look on his face... it's that goofy, gape jawed look of a small, spoiled dog that's just been poked by a large husky (You have to have had a Mom who channeled her loathing for sex into the spoiling of a Shiz-Tzu to understand) and is OUTRAGED by the perfidy.
-Jarrett did what he usually does these days, act like he created this whole company just so he can be top dog even though McMahon (and Austin) knew better and talked smack to Chico.
-Nash came out. Jarrett ran after him because... well... they only had an hour and DAMN Nash has bad knees. (They let him gimp out it to the ring and the show bleeds into Spike CSI marathon... and that AIN'T happening anytime soon!)
-They fight back to the ring. Ortiz chokes out Nash, who lays right down and smirks as he's doing it... THIS IS WHY I LOVE KEVIN NASH!!!
-Then Chico watches Jarrett kicks Nash (still smirking! Possibly counting his money) a little, THEN pulls him off. The crowd erupts... the camera does that jerky Star Trek thing. Tenay steals a nip from his flask... West refuses to complete a single sentence without running out of breath midway. We head out to a set of...
-Shane Douglas, who looks old and fat and I never liked HIS ass much either, hangs on to the cusp of the business by interviewing Chris Daniels.
-Regarding the X-Division, Daniels says, "I've defeated everyone! I repeat, I've defeated EEEEEVVVEEEREEE OOOOOOONEEE" (Well, SOMEONES been watching that Warrior DVD!)
-AJ Styles shows up and mouths off. Daniels challenges him to find 3 people for next week and he'll beat them ALL. Styles says okay.
-Here's what I LOVE about this show... that AJ Styles... the Face of TNA... hell, the NEW FACE OF WRESTLING... didn't know enough to FACE THE CAMERA WHILE HE TALKED!! The poor cameraman had to SWING his camera to the right to grab AJ's profile! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA
-The Deadly Boys fought those Most Wanted kids for a bit, then Gail Kim ran out... and Jarrett with a guitar (Wrestling's New Alternative!) and the NWO's Evolved Four Horsemen stood tall while the black guy bled and the white guy did what Foley, Hogan, and Matt Hardy all refused to do... sell the guitar without laughing.
-The show ends.
And... well, I think that's enough from me. I'm sure you're suitably disgusted. I might as well pack it in and...
Oh hell, I'm not quite finished
ANY LAST WORDS??
Suuuuure, a few!
So either you liked this or hated it. Probably a little of both. Fickle pricks.
Maybe the following will clue you in on my intentions here:
Well most thought that it was just rhetoric.
"The Internet is different, the egos are too thick."
Well in a way you're right, but that does not mean I'm not going to try.
This internet began a long time ago and has made no one a penny during its existence.
The premise was simple, a moron with nothing to say getting on his keyboard and flaming the living shit out of people in an attempt to captivate and entertain the marks.
The premise has gone through evolutions ever since, It went from "Scoops", to "ScoopThis", to "411", to "Inside Pulse". Now I have an opportunity to present you my theory, my idea that a dickhead with net access can't possible evolve.
I know what I am, I know what I am not, trust me, but I am me.
Who knows if the "Independent" world will take to what I want to show them, but you better believe I'm going to take the chance and give it 110%.... or at least a solid half-assed 50%!
I hope your along for the ride, or at least ready to watch me burn right out into the shell of what I once was.
You can call me whatever you want but I am always "Hyatte", and that's what I've got for you
Who's coming with me?
... yeah, well it's gonna get worse from here. And you will learn to LOVE IT.
This is Hyatte
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