The Midnight News
Another Dose of Hyatte for the Masses...
Glad to see that I found you Hyatte. I was wondering when your And Another Thing that was supposed to be on Inside Pulse is going to come out. Thanks.
It doesn't taker much to find me. I LITTLE research is all. .
The wrestlers don't always get the best rats. Coach was pumping Elizabeth, the tall blonde Diva search chick. Isn't that like trying to get a part by screwing the writer?
More like trying to get the big cock by screwing the brother. Joke's on Elizabeth tho'... I mean, anyone with a brain can tell that if Coach was any whiter he'd still be in Nebraska spending his days going to every drug store within 100 miles and loading up on as much Sudafed as the law allows.
Methamphetamines: No more going to the blacks to get high!
Hello Curtain Jerkers! I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. I got a LOT of stuff to get too. Including the Impact Mop-Up and the DOI debut of Flea and I learned something new about someone this week, and... yes... INDY NEWS!! And I pay tribute to someone who died... or is about to... or something.
So, clearly, it's a busy week. Let's get to it
BOUND FOR BANKRUPTCY
Because, you know, you just ain't an offical rasslin' company if you don't SOAK THE FANS FOR THEIR MONEY WITH 12 FRICKIN' UNNECESSARY PAY PER VIEWS A YEAR, TNA soldiered on with their monthly offering: "Bound For Glory"
I was once bound for Glory... she whipped me with a leather studded strap, poured hot bacon fat on my nipples, made me call her "Daddy", put out her cigars in my belly button. Stuck a match in my penis, lit it and made me sing happy birthday, shaved "runt of the litter" on my belly hair and shaved an arrow pointing downward, and shoved a greased up, hairless hamster up my ass. I blew more gunk within 90 minutes then the sum total of my teenage years combined. It was so awesome I learned to ignore her adam's apple.
Best $1000 I ever spent. I'm marrying the bitch who'll do that for free WITHOUT running to the IWC and telling everyone about it after I dump her. (You chicks just can't keep your silly yaps SHUT... the fuck. What I ever do to you? Jesus H... I'm just a fuckin' squirrel trying to protect his nuts, ya know.)
Anywhoo.... TNA started off as a PPV ONLY 2 hour weekly show where their pitch was: 8 hours of wrestling a month for the same price as one of "dem Northern Boys" 2 hour jobbers!
Then the PPV companies decided they liked getting PAID.... and TNA decided to go to almost free TV with a ridiculous hour on the Fox Sports network on Friday afternoons. It was here where they decided to run one 3 hour PPV a month.
The Fox Sports smartened up and TNA was about to go away... they had NO TV slot yet STILL ran 1 PPV a month. No one bought the fuckin' things.
THEN Spike TV saved their asses by giving them a Saturday slot... and the Net is currently creaming themselves that it's only a matter of time when TNA is put right up against RAW on Monday nights. And they are STILL are doing a monthly PPV.
You know... Vince McMahon had the good sense to START OFF his company by running only FOUR PPVs a year! This also helped keep Hogan off TV for months on end and - thus - fresh (it ain't like they changed their policy on that, either.) Vince let the momentum of his product BUILD before jamming 12, and sometimes MORE PPV's a month down our gullets.
TNA, of course, because they need to be taken SERIOUSLY, RIGHT NOW... they CAN'T space out their PPVs... oh no... they have to KEEP doing monthly runs... because they are a REAL company!!
Morons. I didn't watch this damn show... but I DID watch "Impact"... and I have a nifty little WITTY recap of Impact... but I refuse to overload this column with a company that features Jeff Jarrett as its headliner. I won't, I won't, I WON'T!
And "Abyss" can blow me too.
So here are the "Bound for Glory" results... stolen off of a "well known" rasslin' writer... quick and dirty...
Oh, and just to fuck with you, I took out all the vowels... and the letter Y... and the letter J, because fuck eff arrett.
lx Shll vs. Sn Dtt vs. stn rs vs. Rdrck Strng s n th rng nw. n bg mv ftr nthr. Crwd lvd t bt th dd s mch t's gng t b hrd t fllw ths s th pnr. Rll hll f mtch n ts wn ndng wth Dtt pnnng Strng ftr drgn rn.
Rvn cm t wntng th ttl mtch. Lrr Zbszk wldn't cmmt t th ppnnt. Rhn cm t nd clld Rvn pthtc nd bscll nsntd h's gn sft vr grl. Th hd pll-prt wth Zbszk thrwng Rvn t. Rhn grd Cssd Rl twc t nd th sgmnt. hv n d wh th dd th scnd n, bcs th cmrs wrn't vn n th rng t th tm.
Sm vs. shn Lgr s p nxt. wn wth th chk. Mtch ws t shrt cnsdrng wht th ppl wntd t f ths mtch. Nthng wrng wth wht th dd bt dsppntmnt cnsdrng xpcttns.
Smn Dmnd & Dvd ng & lx Skppr vs. pl & Snn Sk & Shrk B s p nxt. ng pnnd Sk ftr spnbstr. Sm cl dvs bfr th fnsh ncldng grt n b pl.
Th tsd rrtt nd Rvn wth fc-ff.
Lnc Ht vs. Mnt Brwn s p nxt. Brwn wn wth th pnc. Ht gt lt f ffns. Sm f hs stff lkd gd bt pnchs ndd wrk. Crwd lvd th mtch, whch knd f svd t.
3 Lv Kr vs. Tm Cnd. Kp ms skd t cntrct Sctt D'mr. B.G. & Kllngs lkd th d bt Knnn thght t ws trrbl d. Bbb Rd ht B.G. wth th hck stck fr th pn whn Sctt D'mr dstrctd th rf. Tm Cnd dd th pst-mtch bt dwn ntl Kp ms svd B.G. Tm Cnd thn hld Knnn fr Kp t ht Knnn wth chr, bt Kp ht -1 wth chr. Fns chntd Nw g tlws. Th sl shrt strln mtch. Hsn't bn bd mtch t tnght bt th pr-shw mtch hs blwn w th shw p t ths pnt.
Mtt Bntl vs. Chrs Sbn vs. Pt Wllms n ltmt X s p nw. W gt rslvs sm pssd ff wrstlrs. Th wr wrkng thr sss ff lk vr ltmt X. t n pnt th X fll dwn nd th hd t stp th mtch nd pt t bck p. scnd tm, s Sbn nd Bntl wr gng fr th X, th tk bmp nd th X cm ls nd fll nt Wllms' hnds. Bcs Wllms ws schdld t wn, th stppd th mtch. Sbn nd Bntl strmd ff. Bntl ws dplct f Shwn Mchls ftr btchd fnsh. Wllms ddn't vn sm hpp h wn nd Trc ws frs s wll. Crwd chnts "bllsht." Th fnsh dd rn th ffrts f th gs bcs th dd sm crz stff p ntl tht pnt. Ths ws rl ngtv n ths sns bcs th gs md t clr th prfrmnc ws mr mprtnt thn th wn. T m, hv t g wth th flw nd gt md bckstg, s whl nstg, gv th mprssn r gng fr th wn, nt th prfrmnc. Bt ths gs dd wrk rl hrd t cm p wth wht th thght ws grt mtch nd t's ntrl rctn t t nrvlng.
MW dfnds th tg ttls gnst Th Ntrls nxt. Hrrs hndcffd nd Dgls t th grd rl, lvng Chs Stvns n hs wn. Strm ht Stvns wth br bttl nd thn th dd th dth sntnc n Stvns nd Hrrs pnnd hm. Pst-mtch, Hrrs ht Dgls wth chr. Th TV mtch tht rd lst nght ws bttr. Gd mtch, th.
Rhn vs. Sb vs. ff Hrd vs. bss n th Mnstr's bll s nxt. Ths ws th stndng vtn mtch f th shw. Rhn pnnd Hrd wth pldrvr ff th mddl rp. ff gt hs hd t, whch s th smrt thng t d. ff Hrd dd th crzst mv n lng tm, cmng ff bt 12 ft hgh nd mb 15 ft w wth swntn n bss thrgh tbl. Lts f chrs nd tbls, bt fr th stl th dd, t ws grt dl.
Zbszk sd th r ddng 10 mn gntlt (Rmbl) mtch wth th wnnr gttng ttl sht. N wndr th hd t ct vrthng s shrt, nd w stll hv 30:00 rn mn mtch nxt.
Dnls vs. Stls r p. dn't nv thm. Ths crwd s trd frm ll th crzst. Th knw ths gs r gng 30. Th hv thr wrk ct t fr thm, bt th lst tm th plld t ff nd thn sm. Stls tk th nl fll n 29:58. Th sld lt mr thn th frst n. t ws hrd cmng ff th lst mtch nd ppl knwng t ws gng lng. nthr xcllnt mtch. Stls ws crng t th fnsh nd crwd gv thm nthr stndng vtn.
Gntlt Rmbl s p nxt. Rhn wn thrwng t bss. Sm hd th chk n Stls whn bss bncd bth f thm t. Mnt Brwn ws lmntd rl whn h nd ff Hrd wnt t. ls Kllngs, Sb, Ht nd Kp ms wr n. Crwd s rll trd t ths pnt.
W'r rnnng vr lt n tm s ff rrtt vs. Rhn wth Tt rtz s rf sn't gng lng. rrtt brght t cskt. Rhn srvvd gtr sht t wn cln wth th gr vr qckl. rrtt, Km & MW wr btng n Rhn. 3 Lv Kr s n. Tt rtz plld dspprng ct. Tm Cnd s n. Th pnd th cskt t pt Rhn n. rrtt gv Rhn gtr sht nd pt hm n th cskt nd sht th cskt. Th Ddls shwd p t nd th shw. Bg fc cmbck t nd th shw wth ng tkng 3-D nd bng pt n th cskt t nd t.
Bscll th flt f th ddn't dlvr th dvrtsd ttl mtch tht th hd t mk t p b gvng srprs nd nplnnd ttl chng. Crwd ws rll p fr th fnsh f th shw.
Now THAT'S quick and dirty!
I MIGHT have ordered it... but I got Taboo Tuesday in a week AND Survivor Series in three! PEOPLE.... PRIORITIES!!
There is no need for this company to do 12 PPVs a month. And there is no need for James Mitchell to be alive.
BROWN OUT OF WRESTLING BUT STILL IN APRIL
So, I'm curious... at what point do you realize that the Indys are about as far as you're gonna get?
And if you say, "Fuck it, I love this gig and will do it no matter what forever", do you stop worrying about your win/loss record?
There are three sides to every story, one side, the other side, and the truth... here's what happened:
"Slyk" Wagner Brown... who gets to have sex with April Hunter and that alone should be enough to make him the happiest asshole alive... showed up at a JAPW event and didn't like what he was seeing... so he left.
(side note... JAPW? Jap Wrestling? Those rascist, fascist THUGS!!!)
Fat Frank, speaking on BEHALF of Jap Wrestling... who clearly isn't even a Jap and in fact, would appear to be a Dago... so why not call this "WOPW"?... says that Slyk was asked to job... (that's rassle-speak for "get pinned... or LOSE) and refused, and threw a big ol' hissy fit which pissed off such professionals as New Jack and the Sandman. So he was booted. In front of Tommy Dreamer, who was scoping out talent for the big show... which shouldn't affect Slyk one bit as I understand the WWE is clearly aware of who he is, and they haven't knocked on his door yet.
"Slyk"... who has a history of hissy fits and refusing to tarnish his Indy image, said that he drove 4 1/2 hours to the show even though he HEARD that his match was changed but no one called to tell him, then he showed up and was told that he was on the "pre-show" and it was part of some ambitious political screwjob between JAPW and NWA Cyberspace... damn Japs... only a matter of time before they tried to take overt the Internet!! So he left.
Sean "MiC" McCaffrey, who runs this site and who hired me, reported all this, pointed out that its usual business for Slyk to do this and he's already been banned from Frank Goodman's 19 hour monthly UXF shows because of this... and kindly advised Slyk to remove his head from his ass and stop being an Indy Diva.
April Hunter... who I really need to eat out for at least three straight hours... sided with "Slyk" and also pointed out that Slyk was also dead ass sick with gonneria... OOPS, I mean bronchitis... (same thing). I think she also implicated a very drunk Tammy Sytch as equally responsible.
The DOI Message Boards, which has ZERO soul, pointed out... well, not much, but the "N-word" was thrown around... a LOT. Horrible.
So, I happen to be real smart at this sort of thing... I'm good at human nature... so allow me to take a wild, half-assed guess at what happened...
Someone at JAPW, maybe the whole company, changerd their mind about using Slyk as a headliner and didn't call him to tell him so because they knew he'd pitch a fit, so they decided to bust his nuts by not saying a word just to see what he would do.
Slyk showed up, was told what was the plan, didn't like it, thought he deserved better, threw a fit because he's been doing this a long time and this sort of stuff you do to rookies, not Indy veterans.
Slyk, with a rep for throwing these fits, lived up to all expectations and gave someone in JAPW the opportunity to show him up by inviting him to leave if he didn't want to do what he was getting paid for. Which Slyk did but in such a way that made him the bad guy to all but himself and April.
April was upset at this and was also upset because she had a bad tag match because of the drunk chick ref who might be Tammy Sytch. Her rep is so closely tied with Slyk's that what affects him affects her.
Slyk went home without working and, presumably, without pay and now has a NEW fed which he won't be working for anytime soon.
April finished her match and probably had some sex that night... with whom I have no idea but I'm thinking about it and I may have to go jerk off now.
JAPW sort of knew how this would go down and rigged it so Slyk would let his ego do all the work so they come out looking good and he comes out looking like the bad guy.
That's what happened... now for some advice to all parties:
To Slyk: Forget your won/loss record. Make the most out of any situation thrown at you and do it with a smile. You're doing the work you love and from what I see, no one is one your side. You can use a little bit more professionalism and take the bullshit for a while or you might end up blacklisted from everywhere.
To Fat Frank: I refuse to take you seriously until you STOP CALLING YOURSELF FAT FRANK!!!! JESUS, MAN!! GROW UP!!
To April Hunter: Baby, if you want to try a white, healthy, GENEROUS, in-shape for a non-rassler, who will massage your feet and muff dive and has the long, strong fingers of a master pianist and who doesn't want backstage passes and who doesn't mind that you're on the road 200 days a year and will cook for you and has PERSONALITY AND CHARISMA AND MORE CHARM THAN ANYONE YOU'VE EVER MET... and who is smart too... no-strings attached... give Hyatte a shot! I'm not packing anything too heavy either, so anal sex won't hurt that much either! Cool beans.
p.s. my tongue is strong too.
Indy Life... makes Edge/Matt/ and Lita look like "Friends".
Oh, and p.p.s: read the next segment with your legs crossed.... 'cuz I'm about to show you what a bitcvhslap is ALL about....
MADDEN AS HELL
by the way, this e-mail is private and NOT to be reproduced or quoted anywhere, including on your web site.
Mark Madden to Sean "The MiC"
Last week, I put in a segment where I talked about Mark Madden attamept to get someone he thinks is me off the Torch VIP boards... and I pointed out why he was so mad.
Here's a reminder of what he said:
that pr1ck hyatte wrote some very hurtful stuff about my family in the past, and the family member in question is now very ill. satire is one thing. obscene slander is another. if slander laws concerning the internet weren't so vague, his ass would be in court. if he ever runs into me, his ass will be in intensive care. same goes for anyone who found what he wrote funny. discussing wrestling is one thing; lampooning an overblown ego is another thing; the stuff he wrote was unforgiveable. it was animalistic.
It should be noted that Madden intentionally called me a "pr1ck" because Wade Keller prefers G-Rated language on his boards... for the children, of course
He was mad because 5 years ago I used to make fairly elaborate "Your Momma" jokes at his expense. I never even considered the idea that he knew about it.
He did. Not only that, but he read last week's column... and is reading this one too.
So he wrote to Sean and threatened to sue me if I kept it up. Me and him.
So, if I say, "Hey Mark, your momma's so dirty she makes the AIDS virus pass out!", he'll sue.
If I say, "Hey MARK!! your momma's like a fine restaurant, they both take their deliveries in the rear!", he'll sue.
If I say, "Hey Mark! Your Momma's so horny..." well, you get the idea.
But there is a slight problem... the jokes I was telling... the stories I was laying out... like how I gave his mom an "Angry Pirate" (jizzed her in the eye, then kicked her in the shin, and ran around the room and she limped after me with one eye closed screaming "YAAARRRGH, I'LL KILL YEE!") is just that... a "story", an obsene joke told at the expense of an "on air heel" who was, more or less, a wrestling character on TV.
AND a character on the Internet. For YEARS, Madden has lurked about on the Net, bumming around from site to site... message board to message board... playing a "role"... a HEEL ROLE...
For example... over the years, on the Torch, VIP message board, Mark Madden has said the following:
-feel free to bash me at this point. but when you do so, always remember: i made it. i went from dirt-sheet writer to 900# host to internet god to nitro co-host in just seven years. crush me. bash me. call me fat and ugly. but I MADE IT. so has bruce mitchell. he is to credibility what i am to carny. god bless bruce...and all those who sail with him. Sep 9th, 2003, 4:36pm
-i WAS the subject of a torch talk. a multi-part one, in fact. why? because i was IN THE BUSINESS and MADE A LOT OF MONEY. when you are part of the business -- like jonny fairplay -- then you can be the subject of a torch talk. until then, live in squalor and anonymity. Jan 9th, 2004, 6:39pm
-let's face it, everything you wanna do, i've done. look upon my works and despair. and yeah, i've even gotten laid now and again. not as much as you guys, i'm sure. i'm sure you guys are pitt, dicaprio and tt boy rolled up into one sexy package. but we can't all be blessed w/looks. i just have to settle for brains, success and $$$. oh well. Jul 1st, 2004, 3:01pm
-i think a lot of posters on this board would rather hear from somebody who's actually been in the wrestling trenches. i have never refused to answer a polite question. i worked in wcw for 9 years. i think i picked up more knowledge doing that than somebody could, say, sitting on his leather ass in front of a keyboard 24/7 and merely dreaming it cos you know you could never do it. Jul 1st, 2004, 5:07pm
-y'know, i love jawbreaker busting my balls, cos he's a pittsburgh-area media wanna-be. i can squash his career like a cockroach. and will.
i love you all. mm Oct 8th, 2004, 11:55am
-ridiculous, predictable and stupid? well, well, well, to quote joel gertner, who i often steal from. jealousy rears its head even quicker than i expected. go ahead, keep posting on msg boards like what you think matters. i'll just have to be content with:
1)being pittsburgh's highest-rated sports radio host
2)hosting a show 8-10am (eastern time) sundays on espn national radio
3)being a NYTimes best-seller
4)being a super genius with a tested IQ of 166
5)having worked in big-time rasslin' TV. (ok, wcw.) Nov 2nd, 2004, 5:24pm
-150K the last year, 84K each of the previous two, 45K each of the two years before that. not bad for a part-time job, is it? you'll NEVER see that kind of money. Feb 4th, 2005, 5:22pm
-you make a fairly big deal in your last -- rather obsessive -- post about how i'm everywhere in pittsburgh. that you can't avoid me. well, that's because i'm popular. in demand. live with it, sweetheart.
look, you're obviously a failed media type, and i empathize with that, because there are so many of you. a psychologist might say that your rantings on this board are to cover you own feelings of inadequacy when it comes to comparing yourself to me. i'm no psychologist, but that sounds about right. as far as your "great family", i can guarantee you've disappointed them. if your psychotic behavior on this board is a microcosm of your existence, you're a boiling cauldron that's always just a step away from exploding. put yourself in your family's shoes. imagine living with THAT. you can bet it's not pleasant.
now would be a good time for me to magnanimously say that everything's alright, and things will get better. but it isn't, and they won't. keep writing those stories for $17.50 a pop, or whatever it is that you do. someday you'll be as rich and famous as me. yeah, right. in your dreams, sunshine. April 4th, 2003
-you know, you people never fail to disappoint. almost every response in this thread was "oh, he's a d**k" or "oh, he's fat," or "oh, that book wasn't that good." thing is, me being a d**k or fat has zero to do w/it, and you know you all own a copy of the book. furthermore, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE addressed the issue of a) the selective, subjective "reporting" of alvarez and reynolds and b) the fact that bobby was a drunken mess. (actually, some of you did address that last part, but only to say "oh, he was funny anyway." most drunks are.) so, to reiterate: "the death of wcw" was a joke. the sound of one hand typing. bobby heenan was a drunken, drooling, uncooperative shambolic mess who was stealing a paycheck during a large part of his wcw career. and i was on sportscenter tonight. pretty good, if i do say so myself. i got congratulatory calls from bruce, disco and my mom. now those are 3 opinions that matter. hey, maybe you could insult my mom now. do you ever look in the mirror and think, boy, my life really is nothing? admit it, you do it more often than you'd care to admit. Jan 20th, 2005
-yeah, like i'm gonna answer a question from you after you call me "fat boy" a thousand times, ya piece of trash. i'd go to your sister's house while you were at either ecw show and run a train on her w/wu-tang clan. March 7th, 2005
-anyone who would somehow defend hulk hogan's use of steroids as being reasonable at any time that wasn't mandated by a court is moronic beyond salvation. furthermore, he's jacked up on the juice right now. 51-year-olds don't look like that merely by hanging and banging, jack. hogan will be on steroids until he's dead, because to shrink involves not being hulk hogan anymore. hogan would rather be dead than face that. don't be marks. hogan is wrestling's biggest attraction ever, but he's a long-time abuser of illegal drugs, a crap worker, and a sh1tty human being. let's not let his one good point obscure other, more painful facts. April 11th, 2005
-my sunday morning national show is scheduled to return after the nfl season. when i do my comeback show, that will be one more national radio show than any of you wanna-bes have ever done. or will ever do. Sept 11, 2005
-my claims to fame:
Sports Illustrated's Top 10 talk-show hosts nationally
Former co-host of TNT Monday Nitro
Still the most successful internet wrestling personality
National radio host
Pittsburgh-area radio legend
Others too numerous to mention here...
your claim to fame:
author of msg-board drivel. period. that's it, that's the list.
OK, now call me fat! I DARE YA! boy, that would upset me so much. Aug 15th, 2005
-nonetheless, i talk to jericho. and you don't.
sports illustrated rated me one of the top 10 sports talk hosts in the country, junior. either they're wrong, or you are.
regardless of how foolish i make you look, doesn't it just make your day to interact w/a legit celebrity? Aug 15th, 2005
And... he even once brought his own MOTHER into his act...
-back in the day, when i first wrote something that infuriated cornette, he called and my mom answered the phone. when cornette was told i wasn't home, he said to my mother, "do you think you can stop sucking n***** d***s long enough to take a msg?" swear to god, he said this to my mother.
so, mom coolly responded, "yeah, no problem. i'll be sure he gets the msg."
And many, many more...
He also, for the last few years, bragged about being a Net God.
Oh, and once he read a story I wrote called What Would Jesus Do? and stole it for a stupid Wresteline story.
So... Mark Madden... living his gimmick... for years he stomped around the net, and around Pittsburgh radio... and on ESPN radio... doing ewhat he does best. Being a Heel. A bad guy.
And when he was a part of Nitro, I made him and his mother a part of my columns.... just like I made Doug Dillenger the AntiChrist and said some horrible things about Pat Patterson. I even put a bounty out on Tony Schiavone's daughter. He was in character, and I was running with it.
Then he wrote to Sean MiC and threatened to sue us if I did it again. Sean answered, he answered back, Sean answered, he answered back.
I have the e-mails... and I have TWO Madden e-mail addresses. They are now MY property... I own them and can do whatever I want with them.
And you can't do a thing...
I can say whatever I want about your mother, superstar. Because it's a gimmick. I'm playing off your character... I'm doing what I do.
And you're a dumb fuck. You wanna know why?
Because you know me... you know what I do and what I excel at. I didn't think you did before, but now I know... and you FINALLY showed me something... that ONE THING I look for in EVERYONE.
See, people call Madden fat and a virgin and ugly and pathetic and a clown... and he laughs it off. He loves it. He loves "working the crowd", he loves pushing buttons and infuriating people.
Guess what, Mark... you just showed me your weakspot. I found the chink in your armor.
No one knows how to exploit weak spots better than me. No one knows how to pound and pound and hammer and attack and burn at weak spots better than me.
AND YOU HANDED ME YOUR WEAK SPOT... STUPID
If you didn't say a word, I would have let it go... forgotten it. I went 5 years without mentioning you or goofing on your mother... was more than happy to go five more.
Then you showed your hand.
I got you. I broke you down. The great and powerful Mark Madden... Mr. Superstar... Mr Superior... the Net God.
You just met a REAL Net God. Because I have you PEGGED. I found what gets under your skin. I now know how to hurt you.
And I have your letters... next week, everyone will get to read them. Oh, don't worry, I'll cover the e-mail addresses... that's an invasion of privacy.
I know, you're rich and famous and you made it in this business. None of this bothers me because I have something cooking right now that, if I don't blow it, will pretty much beat the living shit out of every dream ANYONE who does what I do has had. I'm all set, son. I'm doing fine.
I'm going to stop now, Mark... at ease. See, I don't have to make a single joke anymore because I tagged you. I did what I never thought I could. I took you off your game. You broke kayfabe for me. I pushed your buttons.
You now know that someone does this a lot better than you.
Oh, and I would STRONGLY suggest that you do NOT go to the DOI message boards here... because I'm SURE the readers will start a thread and tell jokes about your mother without my help... and their imaginations are pretty sick. Stay away from the boards here, Mark. You'll only have another breakdown.
Oh, and don't forget to take the advice that you once gave to the Torch Message board people:
-who cares? it's all make-believe. you people need a life. Sept 22nd, 2005
It's all make believe, stud. And if I feel motivated, I have a lot more make-believing to write.... lots more.
Broken down, baby. That be you.
DOING IT OLD SCHOOL
This'll be quick:
From two weeks ago:
Cena: I don't know you. But after last week, you lost some respect
Triple H: If I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention.
Triple H starts to walk away
Cena: Well you know me. You want some. Come GET some!
pause, Triple H walks back to him. Points at the belt
Triple H: When I want it. I'll take it.
I hope you Indy kids were taking notes. Because that is how the Pros fucking do it.
STUDY IT!!! They just set the table right there! THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE!!!
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
...Hyatte moving to this site?
You can't control search this. I tried to Control F my name for this column twice and it didn't work. I had to go to another place to check if it was me. It wasn't. It was this cocksucking site. Get that asshole to change it. Fuck! Now I got to scroll through to find where you mention me. That ain't right. That fucking sucks. He better fucking change it. This is seriously fucking up my cloud. Let me search for my name or this Sean McFucker can suck a cock before he drops dead. FANGOL!
Flea. You'll get used to it.
Anyway, after listenting to this I had Sean find out what were the most frequent words that people attept to search for in this column, the top 15 are "Flea", "Ryderfakin", "Trish", "Stratus", "Mitchell", "Torch", "Scooter", "Widro", "stalker", "summer", "Jew", Madden, "April", "Hardy", and "Jablomee". Gives me a good idea of who's reading. Yup. BUSTED!!
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get
their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
No other wrestler today would have the nerve to start looking like Harley Race circa 1982
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Won't be long before ol' Hunt perms his hair into the white 'fro.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*All clams start out as males; some decide to become females at some point in their lives.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
HA!! HA HAH HAA... FAGGOT CLAMS!! HA!!
I think one clam used to write for a dead wrestling site called "Wrestleline" once upon a time. He/she wrote under the pen name "Sean Shannon"
Maybe 20 readers got that.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
You realize that if Spike gets cocky and loads this show on Monday nights at 9... I ain't recapping it.
(disclaimer: the material you're about to skim through is going to seem like I'm pissed and angry and not evehn a fan and you will be tempted to write an e-mail accusing me of being a cocksucker and never taking a bump. before you do, re-read the top of this column and cheerfully go blow a booker for a curtain jerk spot)
(disclaimer 2: I was doing this long before "Mojo Mitchell", who is actually a pretty mellow, nice guy but fuck him too)
TNA IMPACT: (or: The Debut of Samoa Jiggles)
-Opening theme, I like the part where Chris Daniels tries to catch his lookalike following him by turning around real quick to catch him, but his look-alike turns around JUST AS FAST to avoid eye contact!
-They use crazy, psychedelic camera shots and bright, gay colors to hide the fact that Jarrett has been whacking people with a lame guitar gimmick for 15 years now.
-Mike Tenay welcomes us to "Our 60 minute adrenaline rush". That old fart... it's Saturday night... COOL people (ie: not me and no one reading this) are getting their adrenaline rush the good ol' fashion way... by trying to fuck some drunk slut while all high on cocaine and Red Bull.
-He says this is "Impact" on "Slammin' Saturday Night"... just typing that makes me feel like I should be out sucking off some huge latino dude.
-He promises a DOUBLE MAIN EVENT... featuring about 7 guys 98% of the free world never heard of. And couldn't pick out of a line-up. That's not a double main event... that's the first three matches of a JAPW card
-INDY REFERENCES!!! HYATTE GOES FOR THE CHEAP HEAT!!
-Out comes the next SAVIOR of professional wrestling... the new HULK HOGAN... the greatest thing since... since... BENOIT... out comes the modern day ROCK out comes....
-Out comes the dopiest gimmick name since "The Blue Meanie"... I mean... Samoa Joe???
-Out comes Samoa Joe... who apparently is everyone's hero all of the sudden.
-Everyone's hero saluted the crowd and promptly broke out in a sweat from the effort.
-Out comes Elix Skipper... with Simon Diamond for that extra "heat". Of course... Skipper, with his own lame-ass name to deal with, DID work a whole mess of Nitro first and second hours.... while Simon Diamond is best known for letting someone knock up Dawn Marie
-and BOY, did that someone knock her up GOOD... I think she's about to give birth to octoplets... or at least one, monster, kid...
-HA!! PAUL WIGHT BEFOULED DAWN MARIE!! BEFOULED HER GOOD!!
-Probably took a Big Show shit on a picture of Simon after he finished with her...
-NO, better yet... I bet the Big Show took a Big PISS on a picture of Diamond after he took a Big Show Shit on Dawn's chesties! GOOD JOB, SIMON!! YOU LET THE BIG SLOW BANG DAWN STUPID THEN HE TOOK A CLEVELAND STEAMER ON HER!!! HAW HAW HAW!!
-Samoa Joe won after bashing Skipper around for a few minutes. Skipper got in abiout 30 seconds of offense... which Joe ignored... and no sold.
-Samoa Joe's idea of "selling" is to shake his head for two seconds begfore getting back on offense. Even the fucking UNDERTAKER has the decency to occasionally yelp in pain. This isn't wrestling... this isn't "telling a story".
-Bob Holly wouldn't put up with Samoa Joe's nonsense by God! The Sparkplug would watch this for about ten seconds, then start shooting! By God, THAT is the WWE style!
-Oh, and Everyone's Hero has some MAJOR bitch tits.
-And could... MAYBE... the next SAVIOR in Wrestling invest just a few pennies in a fucking Stairmaster?
-Jeremy Borash leads the "experts" in commenting on just how great Chris Daniels is. The only thing Borash is an expert on is blowing the expert cock... expertly.
-EXPERTS explain why the TNA 6 sided ring rules all! Well, to be fair, most of the boys are so high when they're working, they've been seeing 6 sided rings for YEARS.
-America's Most Wanted took on the Naturals for the tag team titles. The sad thing is, once one of them took off that cowboy hat, I totally couldn't tell a single one apart.
-This match hauled away through a set of...
-commericals. They show a guy all decked out in African garb using his deep voice to push a PPV filled with 78% white hillbillies. Jesus, City-wide riots were started on much, MUCH less.
-We are back Gail Kim showed up... she quickly tried to perform a top-rope Hurracarana on one of them... and it didn't quite work. It was damn near botched and AWKWARD to look at... heh, clearly, she's still showing the WWE that she'd make an awesome Diva. She still got all the tools.
-Jeff Jarrett charges out wearing an extra long leather jacket.... somewhere in Jersey, Jon Bon Bovi was watching this and screaming, "ONLY I GET TO KEEP THE 80'S ALIVE, ASSHOLE!!"
-Someone smashed a bottle of something over someone's face and one of the teams won. Tenay screamed like someone just raped his daughter and inadvertently, his unborn granddaughter in the process (Bet'cha it was the Big Show... that STUD!!)
-Tenay on Jarrett's Four Horsemen: "They got the control... they got the POWER." (Too bad they don't got the PPV buyrates! HA!)
-Experts try their best to push the "X-Match" as something OTHER than a ladder match without the cool ladders.
-someone says: "To EXCEL, it takes a special ATHLETE to do what VERY FEW can DO!" (Umm... a chin-up?)
-Bobby Roode comes out with his Canadian manager, Scotty D'Amore (who looks like a skinny high pitch Eric). Roode yells to us, "WHO'S THE GREATEST??" (ummm? Elvis?)
-Out come Ron Killings, who WAS the "NEXT HERO OF WRESTLING" three years ago... now fills his matches with breakdancing.
-Along with Killings comes Road Dog, Jesse James. I refer him to his previous WWE name because Mike Tenay felt the need to remind us of this. "SEE FANS!!! THIS IS JUST LIKE RAW!!"
-Road Dog does about 19 "gang" signs. Road Dog is a 44 year old white man who grew up in a trailer in whitey white bread Georgia.. He's doing gang signs.
-The only black people in the crowd are the tourists who spent too much time waiting in line at Disney-Land.... and they didn't even think Road Dog is "hip".
-Road Dog grabs the mic and does his best John Cena impression. "SEE KIDS!!", screeches Tenay, "THE REAL COOL KIDS HANG AT TNA!!"
-Roode attacks Killings before he could finish his "Mr. Roboto" dance sequence...not that's just WRONG! Killings shouts, "Aww you done it now... someone's gettin' SERVED!" and starts his killer MC Hammer "U Can't Touch This" riff.
-Bad Ass Kip James comes out... the side of his head tightly shorn to hide the gray I call him "Bad Ass" because Tenay was quicvk to remind us that Kip was formaerly "Billy Gunn" in the WWE and was tag partners with "Road Dog"... "SEE KIDS!! IT'S JUST LIKE '98!!".
-which sets off Konan, who's watching this in the back WITHOUT his bifocals. Konan charges out... starts arguing with Kip... and Road Dogg... still loaded with gang colors and TORN between sets, starts trying to stop this lover's quarrel.
-Konan and James start fighting. Road Dogg doesn't know WHAT to do. (K-Dawg is so slick and fine... no lube needed.... but Kip is so TENDER!!)
-Meanwhile, The Truth loses by getting whacked with a Hoickey stick... or as the brothers call it: "Our Kryptonite". But, of course, the REAL losers are THE VIEWERS!! Because none of us are asking for the New Age Outlaw reunion, BUT BY CHRIST, DIXIE'S GONNA GIVE IT TO US ANYWAY!!
-Monty Sopp is the absolute MASTER of looking like he's just punching a clock.
-backstage, Shane Douglas... who really, I mean REALLY needs a case of syphyllis, interviews Team Jarrett for their big tag match. Monty Brown shouts at Double J: "I don't want'a hunt WITH you... I want'a hunt AGAINST you!"... Jarrett paused and said, "Maybe next time you should do more than GLANCE at the script, jerk-off!"
-Abyss got to grunt a few times. When does he get the Dentist gimmick?
-The Heels come out! James Mitchell yells something but I'm too transfixed on his hairline that starts on the tippety top of his head.
-Jeff Hardy comes out... stops, and crawls on the floor towards the camera making the sort of faces that men who LIKE being on their hands and knees tend to make. I SWEAR I heard him groan.
-Lance Hoyt comes out. I have no clue who that is.
-AJ Styles comes out, smart enough to rip off his hood before he trips and falls down. That wouldn't be a smooth move for THE FACE OF TNA!!
-would be appropriate, tho'
-THE FACE OF TNA IS FOUR FEET TALL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! AJ Styles looks at Rey Mysterio and says, "How's the weather up there?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-at one point, Jeff Jarrett tried "The Stoke" on Styles. Styles elbowed out of it and threw Jarrett down. Jarrett shouted, "IF BUFF BAGWELL CAN SELL THAT, YOU GODDAM WELL CAN TOO!!!"
-The match can't be contained in one segment... it's got to go through some...
-before wrapping up. After many, many, many twists and turns and action that recappers who take pride in their work (ie: losers) would detail quite heavily, Jarrett is about to "Stroke" AJ Styles (heh... hah ha ha hah ho ho ho... he stroked him GOOD... HAW!!) Alpha Male "Pounced" him instead and scored the pin. Chris Daniel's head showed up, and the rest of his body followed ten seconds later (boy's got a LOOOONG neck).... then Nash came out. He didn't do much, just walked out. The mere THREAT of Kevin Nash entering the ring was enough of a cliffhanger to...
-end the show.
Okay.... okay... I've had my fun at the expense of guys who could royally beat the ever living crap out of me... but... BUT I've got to admit...
AJ Styles is fucking AWESOME.
Anyway, let's take this puppy home properly... as we honor a fallen hero...
DEATH IN THE FAMILY
I'll save this for next time... I did enough for this week.
So, to sum up... TNA isn't proving anything and are dumb fucks for trying 12 PPVs, Slyk needs to relax, April needs me to do things to her, Flea rules, HHH is awesome, We're stuck with Billy Gunn and Road Dog forever, and Mark Madden is now my bitch and everyone knows it.
Next week, the letters.
This is Hyatte
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