The Midnight News
Poor Eddie, Poor Vince, Poor Phil Collins, Flea, HHH, Statutory Shenanigans, and Hardcore Words
I love the way all the legal threats disappeared in Mark Madden's follow-up emails. What a puss. Big FUCK YEAH! to Sean for standing his ground.
Keep up the good work.
Yeah, I noticed that too.
YES! ...And once again Hyatte rises from the ashes. The only damn thing that's kept me going to IP these last few months has been looking for your next comeback, and maybe that new AAT you were promising all freakin' summer.
I couldn't sleep and decided to google your name to see if you landed anywhere else, and thank god I found you.
I've been a Chris Hyatte fan since waaaaay back in "the red stripe days" as us old Hyatte fans seem to like to call it. I'm still hoping that Flea gets around to posting your old mop ups so I can read them again. They're totally relevant with WWE 24/7 rerunning all the old RAWs and NITROs. I have all your AAPs saved on my computer ... I think all of them. At least most of them.
In any case, I'm a freakin' superfan and am so happy to see you labd on a web site with a bad enough reputation to let you say whatever you want on it. I'm a huge ROH mark, and you're not even allowed to talk about DOI on the ROH message board, so DOI must be doing something right.
I'll stop rambling and get to reading your archives. Looks like I've missed a month or so of crisp, Hyattey goodness.
Thank you. Whattaya mean the ROH board isn't allowed to mention this site? I MIGHT suggest that Gabe change his mind on that... DOI now has a voice... a face... a big, mean, nasty face that just LOVES fucking with people... a big, mean, nasty face that ALWAYS manages to get dirt on people and put them DOWN with it.
You don't need me as a headache, Gabe. Don't fuck with me. Let them talk about DOI.
thank god i found you. it's been hell at work on monday's since labor day. i only go to inside pulse for you and eric s., andeven he doesn't care anymore. what happened to the iwc? keep up half assing it and i'll keep reading. and . . . um . . . scooter fucked your mom! hawr hawr hawr!
paul in orange county
I get a lot of this. Apparently, my old place doesn't allow anyone to mention where I am. Nice. I only played a massive role in building it.
Hello RingRats! I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. I take weeks off here and there, for any first timers out there. You'll get used to it.
So, it's very rare when something big happens on a SUNDAY... usually the shit goes down on a Monday when I'm already posted and sleeping and ill equipped/motivated to do anything about it. But here we are... a juicy news blockbuster right smack dab in the middle of a SUNDAY... so I can, like, write about it! Whoo hoo.
And of course... it's about a wrestler dying... dead... great... lot of fun to be had with this. Yup.
Fucker couldn't die on Monday? The hell... he had to do it during my watch. Now I have to go and be serious... great.
SIGH... I can't win...
Okay, slow up... you might already be getting mad.... like I'm going to try to make fun of the death of Eddie Guerrero. I won't. I promise. I liked the guy. Never thought ill will of him. Had no problems with him at all.
He dropped dead while brushing his teeth. So, while he died alone, he at least died suddenly and completely. He didn't feel anything. No suffering. Sounds like he had the ol' "Lightswitch Death". Flip off and he's gone. Not much to go with, but at least it was fairly peaceful.
And he died in war! He died in BATTLE! Dammit, you can never say Eddie didn't fight the battle of tooth decay until his last breath! The ADA should push him to Martyrdom. God is a cruel Master... he didn't let Eddie floss before dropping the dime. DAMN YOU, LORD! YOU LET THE PLAQUE WIN THIS ROUND!!
Anyway... I liked Eddie, the WWE liked him. Every time someone would go on about how TNA has the best wrestlers, I would think, "Hmm, they don't have Michaels, Mysterio, Triple H, Guerrero, Benoit, etc... etc...". He couldn't stay a Heel to save his life, people enjoyed him too much. Think about how far he had to go with the Mysterio storyline to get over as a Heel.
And he's dead now. He's never coming back. Think about that a second. No more matches. No more promos. He's had his last match. Cut his last promo. We will never see him again.
Man, just like Christian.
Anyway... a man's heart just doesn't stop cold at 38 years old. Well, okay, Yokozuna was 34 when his heart just stopped beating, but Yokozuna was a monster. Eddie was in shape. He was an athlete. He had excellent cardio-conditioning. Hearts just don't stop like that. They don't.
Speculation is already running hot, just the biggies are too busy mourning to come right out and say it... but chances are, Eddie didn't go out naturally.
Or maybe he DID! At the WWE Press Conference, Chavo Guerrero made a point to say that Eddie was boasting about being four years sober. Hadn't had a sip of booze, a shot of H, a sniff of coke, or a tiny dab of Percocet in four big years! Our man was clean, sober, and loving life on a NATURAL HIGH!! He had soe troubles in the early 00's, but got clean, got rehired, and hadn't looked back since...
Except for those times he was seen having full-tilt mood swings
And those times his eyes were so glassy the divas used them for mirrors.
AND that time he and Kurt Angle got into it after a really bad match where Angle told him to straighten the fuck up.
AND the time when he... COLLAPSED IN THE FUCKING RING DURING TAPINGS. Just went right to sleep he did.
Those were the times when no one had the balls to come out and say, "Someone get this guy some help". Nope, they merely hinted and winked and nudged the reader, but no one had the nerve to say a word.
And no one backstage stepped up either. The McMahons ignored the signs. Johnny Ace, who is paid to be THE asshole of the WWE (the REAL Heel, so to speak), only bitched at Eddie when he showed up for a show late or underdressed. No one took him off the books for a few months. No one paid attention.
Look, he's a grown man, they are all grown adults (even the kids there). Grown adults aren't entitled to managerial babysitters. And let's face it, wrestlers are considered livestock. All Vince cares about is that they show up and make him money as opposed to costing him money. The are expected to take responsibility. A lot of guys can't handle the pressure this job puts on them, but a lot of guys can and do. Eddie seemed to be having problems, and the best anyone could do is shake their heads in disgust and pretend they didn't see shit.
It was probably more embarrassing than anything else. Eddie's story was a tricky one. They built his whole second career around how he overcame obstacles to make the great comeback and enjoy a pretty long championship run. To shuffle him back into rehab after all that... well, that's not the sort of press the WWE likes.
So, while everyone has every right to be sad and blue (but don't cry, you little swishes... I hate reading assholes yammer about how they cried), don't be surprised... just don't. The writing was totally on the wall here. It was almost meant to be...
Even if he DID spend the last four years dead-ass sober, the amount of abuse the man put his body through probably caught up with him. You can walk away from a nice, long drug habit, guys... you just don't walk away unscarred.
I mean, for crying out loud, the title of his DVD was Cheating Death - Stealing Life. Well, when you're borrowing time, someone's eventually going to come and collect.
Anyway, he was consistently entertaining.
As always with these dang rassler's and their weak willed ways... Eddie's death completely messed up Vince's plans. Raw and Smackdown were both overhauled to do a four hour tribute pair of shows... with the brands fully combined for all inter-promotional matches. For this week, the WWE is back to being one brand. No angles, no storylines... just like what they did after Owen Hart died. Exhibitional matches and backstage mini-eulogies. Nice touch.
And what REALLY sucks is that there will be no time for the boys to chill out and get over this. They taped both shows tonight so they can hop a plane and do a MAMMOTH multi-country blitz through Europe for the next seven days. They don't even have time to party. It's work a show, hop a bus, work a show, hop a bus.
I just hope management takes these 7 days to closely monitor the wrestlers... to see who else might be showing signs that can be ignored until it becomes a PR Nightmare.
I also wondered if Vince thought about maybe postponing the tour to let the b... oh wait, EDDIE would've wanted the show to go on!!
Just like OWEN would have wanted them to continue the PPV! That's just what Vince said when he shoved Jeff Jarrett out in front of the curtain and made him walk by Owen's body as it was rolled up the ramp. "AND DON'T FORGET TO STRUT!" Vince screamed, "AND YOU BETTER NOT SLIP ON OWEN'S BRAIN MATTER IN THE RING AND PULL A HAMMY!! THE SHOW GOES ON, YOU REDNECK!!"
It's such BULLSHIT... that a wrestler would want the show to continue... I have never known a person IN MY LIFE who wouldn't want the entire world to completely STOP if and when they died. Trust me, Eddie Guerrero doesn't want to WWE train to keep rolling... he would want a full MONTH where no show ran, where no one worked, where everyone just got together and talked about how great he was. He would want the two tribute shows, those are cool... then two more... then two full weeks or "Best of Eddie" shows... and no Houses. Fuck the PPV too. Fuck it!
"The show must go on"... I love it when Vince pretends to have a heart. He never even dreamed of postponing the Euro-tour and probably paid the Guerrero family to keep Eddie's body above the ground until everyone gets back... or perhaps tried to get him cremated so he can personally keep the ashes with him and threaten his staff with it. "Any of you drugged out fuckers even THINK of not giving your all for this tour might just end up with a faceful of EDDIE!!"
Fucking brutal business, kids... you Indy workers SURE you want in? I mean, the money is good but look at the shit you have to do!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, over the phone to Vince, the Undertaker said, "Who died? Does this mean I have to come back early? No I don't WANT to. Fuck off." *click" It pays to be a loyal big man who draws money.
If there is one thing POSITIVE about Eddy's death.... it's that some lucky people have won MONEY!!. Click and see if you're one of the lucky ones... and then join up.
When asked to comment about this, Flea said: "Great, the man died and now I got to start writing checks! Ain't fucking fair!"
When asked to comment about this, Rob Feinstein said: "I've got a great idea where I end up adopting Dominic! After I'm through with him, I'll be the greatest Heel of all time!!!"
When asked to comment about this, Jasmine St. Clair said: "How sad. Now excuse me I've got to shoot a scene where I get 16 softballs shoved up my ass."
When asked to comment about this, The Blue Meanie said: "That fuckin' Bradshaw. I bet he had something to do with this. Now excuse me, there's a jizz mess in video-stall 10 that won't clean itself up."
When asked to comment about this, Matt Stryker said: "Let that be a lesson to every elitist backstage who yells at me in front of everyone!"
When asked to comment about this, Brock Lesnar said: "That little asshole died just so I couldn't get my win back. I'll kill him for that!"
When asked to comment about this, Goldberg said: "Who? Never heard of him."
When asked to comment about this, Kevin Nash said: "First off... you know... lemme tell you something...." then had his own heart attack and passed out.
When asked to comment about this, Scott Hall said: "Man just couldn't fight off his demons... *hic*"
When asked to comment about this, April Hunter said: "Not fair. How can I sleep my way into this company if every candidate keeps dropping dead on me?"
When asked to comment about this, Homicide said: "I'll kill the motherfucker who did this to him!"
When asked to comment about this, Dan "Mafia" Maff said: "Tell Homicide it wasn't me! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL HIM IT WASN'T ME!!!!"
When asked to comment about this, Lex Luger said: "Don't even LOOK in my direction! I'm not allowed to leave Florida! I had NOTHING to do with this!"
When asked to comment about this, Tammy Sytch said: "Umm, HELLOOOO... I'm still mourning Chris here... let's not give that Vicky synpathy stealer any attention... remember me!! I'm still wrecked here!"
And when asked to comment about this, CM Punk said: "I ain't nobody. I'm just some Punk rock kid with a big mouth and an opinion. I'm just some kid."
Dude, you're 26 and going bald... you ain't no kid no more. Hardly a "Punk" either... and I DOUBT you're all that clean and drug-free yerself... I'm hearing things about you... lots'a things
Anyway... he was a good guy, I guess. He showed up and always gave a good performance. And now Smackdown has lost Eddie, Christian, Batista, and Benoit... well, probably not Benoit as they now need him BIG time.... he'll get a fat contract to stay.
That's one thing GOOD about this Euro-tour... it gives the WWE a full ten days to figure out how to re-balance the brand-scale so Smackdown stops looking like a two hour Heat. They had Raw GROSSLY over-stacked as it is... now they REALLY need to send some big names over to the blue. Triple H and Edge would do.
Okay, enough Eddie talk... now we try to have a little FUN
TNA is blowing it.
You hear me? They are fucking RIDICULOUS here!
.09 rating from Thursdays 2 hour prime time show... no matter how everyone wants to downplay it... the truth is that number is TERRIBLE...
Why do they suck? Because they are exposed to the biggest audience they've ever had... they are really introducing themselves to the general public for the first time and they can't build anything with them. They refuse to give themselves time to set the table for the new audience.
They aren't giving the audience a first act! They aren't developing a connection with the viewers.
WHY??? Because they PERSIST in running 12 PPV shows a year! PPV's that make NO money, that NO ONE (besides marks like YOU, and if you're reading this, you're a mark) is buying. They are too busy building to the next PPV - which HAS to be a "must see PPV with all-star PPV "dream matches" - that they will NOT build long-form storylines.
(except, of course, for the whole Kip Ass Billy Gunn/Jesse Road Dog/ Three Live Assholes storyline... that one they've been building for a year now... and its the one storyline no one gives a rat shit about)
This company needs to trim back on the PPVs... even for just one year... if they had two months to build on something... 8 weeks between PPVs so they can establish Heels and Faces and start storylines... that would let the audience get to KNOW these wrestlers... let the characters build... develop... INTRODUCE THEMSELVES.
As it stands, TNA is a scattershot show where nobody knows who they hate from one week to the next. It's a clusterfuck... a ship with no direction. A fly by the seat of their pants company.
By God, TNA needs WRITERS!!
Anyway, I didn't watch the show because I refuse to buy PPVs where a meaningless 6 man tag team where all six members have no business in any sort of main event is the main event... and Jim Mitchell needs to drop dead with a toothbrush in his mouth...
But the show was named "Genesis"... so, in honor of that, I shall recap it as followed:
-you can tell there was something In the Air Tonight as they opened with a salute to Eddie Guerrero. Eddie never worked for TNA, but they still acknowledged him as For Absent Friends.
-Raven started things by confronting Larry Z as to why he never got a rematch for the TNA title. Tell Me Why, screamed Raven. Larry Z countered with a mystery guest. Larry shouted Abacabra and out came...
-Justin Credible... but Tenay screamed, "IT'S PJ POLACK!!" or some bullshitty real name. This, of course, did not send the Ripples it was supposed to send, and Raven beat him pretty quick.
-The Canadians took on the 3 Live Douchebags with Kip Ass as the guest ref. As usual Kip Ass walked around looking like he just Don't Care Anymore and called a clean win for the Douchebags.
-Shane Douglas listened to Jim Mitchell explain that while Abyss was No Son Of Mine he WAS going to beat the piss out of Sabu.
-Mike Tenay bellowed that the new TNA aquisition will be out Tonight, Tonight, Tonight!
-Christian Cage came out and said that he was sick of being The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway and assured us that he wasn't Throwing It All Away by coming to TNA and that if this doesn't work out, he'll just go to Vince and say it was all a huge Misunderstanding (whooOOoooOOOoooo). Then the poudgy Canadian comes out and tell Christian that he doesn't need to feel like an Illegal Alien and he should join Team Canada. Christian said he'd think about it.
-Monty Brown tells Shane Douglas that I Can't Dance but I can sure POUNCE!
-And he Pounced his way to a win over Jeff Hardy, who jumps around like he has someone giving his ass The Invisible Touch all the time... and he kind of likes it... meooow. Oh yeah, Hardy looks like he knows all about the Trick of the Tail.
-I don't know who won the whole X-Division Survivor Series rip-off... all I know is that with all these people who look/wrestle alike, the whole fucking thing was one giant Land of Confusion.
-But Samoa Joe ended up going Congo on Chris Daniels afterwards and creaming him. Daniels was so messed up when the Ref asked him if he was okay, he got No Reply at All
-Daniels was really out... loaded into an ambulance, and hauled away. Just for the homage, they should've stuck a toothbrush in his mouth. (of all the shows to have a wrestler play dead... jesus)
-Abyss and Sabu had a typical Sabu-like hardcore match featuring the usual Robbery, Assault, and Battery. Then that dumb fuck Abyss, who should be Shipwrecked on some deserted island and left to make a Home by the Sea then to have a hurricane destroy it so he'd have to build a Second Home By the Sea won. How many gimmicks will this guy steal? Many Too Many
-AJ Styles said SuSuSudio Joe has to PAY for what he did, but right now he has to Turn It On Again for Petey Williams
-Which he did, and eventually beat Williams until Williams screamed for his Mama
-There is no encore here, and Daddy Hyatte is getting tired... so Team 3D and Whino beat Jarrett and AMW and Christian turned his back on Canada.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
...PW Torch Writer Bruce Mitchell?
I hope his lips fall off!
Flea: He's your man!
LADIES LOVE COOL HY (Jailbait edition)
I'll warn you ahead of time, this has NO redeeming qualities and you will find NOTHING about wrestling in this section. This is just, plain, stupid, perversion...
In the interest of fairness, since I like to crack on losers like that Brian Wittenstein for his LAME little attempts to win over innocent young wrestling-chicks, I thought I'd show you what I'm up to... when in the proper mood.
The following is a chat I had with a friend of mine... a FEMALE friend of mine...
a 17 YEAR OLD FEMALE friend of mine. I don't know why she likes to talk to me... she just does. I wasn't trolling for teenage fluff, we just met through a mutal aquaintence. I never touched her and have no plans on it. No news crew will catch me knocking on her door. She's just a friend.
Anyway... I like to annoy her sometimes... and the following is one of them times... keep track of the timestamp.
17YearOld Friend (6:03:17 PM): hi
Hyatte1com (6:03:53 PM): hello
17YearOld Friend (6:04:12 PM): hello hyatte
Hyatte1com(6:04:31 PM): how are you
Hyatte1com (6:06:28 PM): that's good to hear.
Hyatte1com (6:07:40 PM): you don't say?
Hyatte1com (6:08:13 PM): I see
Hyatte1com(6:08:29 PM): well, there you go
Hyatte1com (6:09:02 PM): is that a fact now... you're kidding
Hyatte1com(6:09:59 PM): I knew you could do that with a cucumber, but I never DREAMED you would do it
Hyatte1com (6:11:22 PM): so who was lucky enough to take the pictures?
Hyatte1com (6:13:16 PM): well I KNEW you could use motor oil for more than just your car but why use it for THAT?
Hyatte1com(6:13:19 PM): eww
Hyatte1com (6:14:25 PM): that poor sofa
Hyatte1com (6:17:10 PM): did you find any smooshed up Sunny Doodles afterwards?
17YearOld Friend (6:20:40 PM): yo fuck you
Auto response from Hyatte1com (6:20:40 PM): Ah ain't here, 17YearOld Friend! Hyuck! What time it is?
17YearOld Friend (6:20:46 PM): how dare you say that shit to me
Hyatte1com (6:21:55 PM): what?
17YearOld Friend (6:23:50 PM): i dont want to talk to you
And then, a few days later, her twin sister, who is ALSO 17 years old, got a taste
17YearOld Friend's twin sister (11:29:25 PM): u smell.
Hyatte1com (11:29:43 PM): like jasmine and vanilla
17YearOld Friend's twin sister (11:29:54 PM): like cheddar cheese
Hyatte1com (11:30:23 PM): only my crotch
17YearOld Friend's twin sister (11:30:30 PM): what the
Hyatte1com (11:30:32 PM): the rest smells wonderful
17YearOld Friend's twin sister (11:30:37 PM): why would ur crotch smell like cheese?
Ahh youth... so innocent...
They'll both get older and realize... realize how LUCKY they'll be if the only odor coming from the male genitals is on the cheesy side.
Of course.... they have a few strange odors of THEIR OWN that will come with age! Dear god... dear lordy loo...
Once the babes hit 35... whoo baby, right off the ol' Tuna boat.
Anyway, they still love me... I may be a dork but by God I'm a CHARMING dork!
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get
their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
He's still walking around, ain't he.
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long!*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
And it belonged to Matt Hardy! BOYEEEEE
5/8 of an inch?!?! You chicks remember that the next time you see ME naked and start laughing! April Hunter, I'm talking to YOU!!
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
I didn't get Genesis but I DID watch Impact... not as it happened as I was out trying to get sex (and sort of scoring! Long story), but I taped it and well... people like the Mop-Up.
-You'll like it next week. Too much content already. Let's just wrap things up...
On November 12 a bunch of Extreme scamps ran what is probably the last "Tribute to ECW - Harcore Homecoming" match at the ECW Arena in Philly...
I don't have much to say on the matter, but I do have my connections... and I mamaged to get a little inside DIRT...
The following comments were overheard backstage at "Hardcore Homecoming":
-"Holy shit! Is Dawn Marie having Quintuplets?"
-"Holy shit! When did Dawn Marie start getting Jersey hair?"
-"Holy shit! I want to fuck the pregant fat ass! See if I can fuck the baby while I'm in there!"
-"That fucking Styles is a SELL-OUT!!"
-"Anyone got Styles number? Think he can hook me up with Vince?"
-"You gonna finish that bagel? I haven't eaten in days!"
-"What the fuck is Borash doing here?"
-"Hey, these checks are just like the ones Paul cut! Look at them bounce!"
-"The only thing hardcore about Borash is how his ass can handle 3 cocks at once!"
-"Excuse me Mr Douglas, where is your son? Oh... oh fuck Shane, you look... umm... GOOD!"
-"Quick, Meanie is handing out Buy One - Get One free porn DVD cards!"
-"Why is Spike so pissed? Doesn't he realize Paul hired him as a rib? Don't he know that he never should have made it past two matches?"
-"42 years old and he's still calling himself 'Balls'."
-"This better be a quick cager. Credible's shift at Target starts in 45 minutes!"
-"Oh great, Axl and Ian are out there to live up to their last name."
-"Oh fucking Shane shut UP... Christ, he makes Triple H look like a mute!"
-"Who cock is Dreamer sucking in order to become Ace's right hand man?"
-"Buh Buh Ray sure isn't starving."
-"Aww, D-Von still carries Buh Buh's bags... nothing ever changes!"
-"Here Sabu, here's a quarter. Now leave me alone."
-"No offense Mr Funk but... aren't you better than this?"
-"Hey Mike Johnson! I loved you in that LOTR Trilogy!"
-"Tod Gordon left? He had out checks! EVERYONE!! TO THE PAWN SHOPS!!
And so it goes...
And so I go too. Long column... loooong enough.
So next week should be interesting as we all learn why Eddie died. Let's hope he died for something unexpected, like... I don't know... full blown Aids and raped Tara Charisma before going?
No more Eddie matches... no more lying, cheating, or stealing... now we have to do it ourselves....
And don't be surprised if, as a precaution, the WWE puts a whole bunch of workers "on the injury list" within the next few weeks... it's always times like these, with the watchful eye of the media staring down, that they tend to buckle down and pretend to be a caring company where the employee comes first.
Pay particular close attention to the Divas... none of them look like they've eaten since SummerSlam.
I'm out. I'll be here next week... yup.
This is Hyatte