The Midnight News
I used to get reams of hate mail... where's the hate mail? Have I become too beloved?
Didn't you just say that a bunch of people would be mysteriously taken off the road for ailments unknown in the wake of Eddie's death? Looks like you were
Just to let you know that we're paying attention
Actually, I just openly hoped that they would use the Euro-tour to monitor the boys for anyone else showing signs of distress. Dinsmore basically pissed in his cornflakes.
I'm reading your column and trying to figure out why you were placing certain words and phrases in bold but as I began to email you to ask you what the fuck, it clicked. Phil Collins song titles. Very American Psycho of you.
In regards to wrastling and Eddie Guerrero dropping dead, you'd think the WWE with all that expensive meat they are selling and investing in would have comprehensive medical evalaluations ordered for their talent on a regular basis. It's hard for me to imagine somebody who invests so much time in their body and doesn't get a physical when they are feeling like shit, particularly when they spent so much time trashing it in the past. Is it the WWE and the wrestlers being too stupid, or something else?
I think that, when you are a high-toned athlete like most of the WWE wrestlers are, you have a definite sense of arrogance. Their bodies are in excellent shape, elite-level. Nothing can touch them.
But the WWE is clearly responsible and SHOULD be held accountable.
So, its a combination of both.
I found you.
You fucking legend.
I'm happy now.
Let me kill for you ...
Okay... kill James Guttman for me and then we'll see how it goes
What website are you at now.
This one. And finally...
Well, Hyatte... I'm glad I found you. When you disappeared from IP, I thought that maybe you were done with the whole IWC thing. I read a few unflattering comments about you on the forums, but they didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. I decided that I didn't really care enough to put any effort into figuring out where you went.
I went to IP this morning because I was really, really bored at work, saw Flea's column and decided to give it a read. He has a crafty way of sending people to where you are now at DOI, so that's how I found my way back. Make sure you find a way thank him.
I just wanted to say that I'm still one of those "Ladies Who Love the Cool Hy" although I don't qualify for the jailbait edition. Love your writing, love the topics you choose, love your style!
From one satisfied female reader
Thank you, baby! See! SEE... I GET MORE FEMALE READERS THAN ANYONE ELSE!!! I CONVERT CHICKS INTO WRESTLING FANS!!!
Then they surf other sites, read the bullshit and the geeks... and remember why they never bothered to begin with, then they come back to me... the OASIS of decent, amusing, charming wrestling columnizing... you losers, none of you know how to win babes over on attitude... NONE OF YOU!!
My favorite part is how she admits to being so immensely BORED that she HAD to read Flea's column. Like, it was either DYING from boredom... SLITTING HER WRISTS... or reading Flea... and I'm SURE it was a toss-up...
Ha... there's an angry phone call coming my way.
Hello Juice-heads! I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. I've got things to do... some serious and some amusing and some hilarious... and it's long. Lot of words for free... you lucky stiffs.
Let's get to it...
DEATH WATCH: 2005
It was Wade Keller that got the ball rolling...
There is a top wrestler in WWE today who is considered to be on the unofficial death watch, whose death, due to his credentials, would make the considerable news coverage of Eddie Guerrero's death this week look minor by comparison. It's no secret to most within WWE; if it's not known by Vince McMahon, someone needs to tell him the system needs to be changed. It's one thing to show how much you care about a colleague by crying on the air after he dies. It's another to care enough about someone to do what it takes while he's alive to keep him from dying - even at the expense of box office receipts, storyline interruptions, and being deemed pushy, nosy, or a nark.
Okay, IGNORING the fact that he spelled "narc" wrong (the tool), the week that followed had this story traveling ALL over... and on his very own message board forum, there are PLENTY of Torch readers SCREAMING for him to reveal...
Of course, he isn't... he hasn't said a word... which is pretty fucking cheesy... "Hey, I'll report this without naming names and EVERYONE will buy my newsletter to get an answer... which I'll never report because I don't want to get sued!" and... eh, nevermind.
So who is it? Well, let's look at the list of top five candidates from each brand and figure out who's NEXT...
1) Cena: Yes: Under tremendous pressure and isn't impressing anyone with his ring skills. Is booed almost as much as he is cheered. His rap album tanked. Doesn't seem to sleep. No: Young. Participated in NATURAL Body Building Meets. Has a strong work ethic. Knows he's hit the career jackpot. Has a good sense of reality about all this. Too busy to party. Verdict: He's going to be alive for a long, long time. He wants to ride this out.
2) Triple H: Yes: Obsessed with Body Building. Clear and obvious 'roid freak. Approaching Luger levels in appearence. Works almost as hard at 35 than he did at 25. Not ready to give up his spot. Torn quad just one of the injuries we know about. Fat. Getting old. Has a father-in-law to impress. No: Rich enough to afford the very best medical care. His wife is Stephanie McMahon. His wife adores him totally. He'll be pulled off the road at the first sign of stress. Has a career there long after he can't work. Is one of the smartest wrestlers around. Has a ring style that minimizes injury risk. Is probably aware that his body can't keep up forever and is prepared for a future where he doesn't need to be a monster. Wants to have a Mcmahon offspring. Verdict: Knows that he's got a life in this business and won't want to fuck that up. Unless he gets caught cheating, of course.
3) Kurt Angle: Yes: A fucking maniac. Has grown ridiculously larger since 1996. Having major marriage problems. Seems really pissed off. Will do whatever it takes to make people forget that he broke his neck and took the risky path to healing. Working with numbness in his hands. Is killing himself to impress Vince. Consumed with being recognized as the best. Takes cruiserweight bumps on his heavyweight frame. Doesn't care. No: Probably the best athlete in the company. Might be big only because of his relentless training and proper supplements. Protects himself as much as he can. Wants to see his kid grow up. Wants his legacy to carry over until long after he dies and doesn't want it soiled with rumors of drugs and steroids. Seems to know he's running out of time. The Ankle Lock is virtually impossible to get hurt from. Hasn't been doing this long enough to make a long term impact on his body. Verdict: Far and away the TOP choice among marks as who Keller was referring to... but how many people online know what its like to train at an Olympic level? Angle's going to stick around for 50 more years.
4) Big Show: Yes: Obese. Chain smoker. How many giants do you know that live past 50? Sweats walking up the steps. No flexibility. Personally keeps McDonald's in business. If he does drugs he's doing a LOT of them to support his frame. Probably drinks kegs at a sitting. No: Proabably doesn't even know what a steroid needle looks like. Can do a "Kip Up" (with help from the ropes). Obsenely rich so he can afford the best doctors. Good spirits, good attitude. Doesn't take any bumps. His matches never last ten minutes. Has the comfort of a huge contract and won't worry about re-signing. No pressure as his role of "Special Attraction" that is in no danger of being taken away. Strong as a bull. Smart. Verdict: He doesn't have too many years left in him, but he'll go out like Andre... from complications due to his size.
5) Ric Flair: Yes:: Debuted in the 70's and still goes strong. A clear example of what juice looks like on an older man. Famous hard-partier. Drunks like a fish. Space Mountain isn't a gimmick. Wants to die in the ring. Looks awful. Damn near immobile. Desperate to keep up with the kids. Not as rich as he should be. Low self-esteem. Smokes. Still chases rats. Isn't chasing older rats either. Hasn't stopped tanning since 1983. Is falling apart. No: Knows how to work his style and works it better than anyone. Lifelong athlete gives his system a strong perserverence. Has many, many friends who care about him and won't let him go down. Knows how to fall. No one wants to hurt him in the ring. Other than breaking his back 30 years ago, has gone practically injury free. Loves what he does. Verdict: Might be dead before you finish this column.
1) Batista: Yes: Injury prone, thus more apt to take pain pills. MAJOR 'roid freak. Started late in this and is doing things guys ten years younger are doing. Muscles tend to slip off his bones. Probably wants to have a 20 year career even though he started at 30. Pressure as champ on the B-Show. Eddie couldn't handle it, why would he? Watches as most of the PR attention goes to Cena. Obsessed with his appearence. Will take risks to deliver a good match. No: Seems to be filled with common sense. Power wrestler who mostly throws people around. Heeds the advice of smart veterans like HHH and JBL. His frequent injuries may one day alert him to get out. Looks like he prefers to sleep in at night and train in the morning as opposed to partying. Takes his role as older leader seriously and wants to be a role model to the younger workers. Has discipline. Of everyone in the company, seemed the most effected by Eddie's death (Benoit notwithstanding). Verdict: Steroids will eventually catch up with him, but he's a naturally big guy anyway. He might escape into a long, comfortable retirement if he is as smart as he seems.
2) The Undertaker: Yes: Not ready to give up the spot. Getting old. Likes the biker lifestyle and is most comfortable talking Harleys at a biker bar. Private guy so no one knows what he's up to. Parties in secret. Is now working in pain all the time. No: Is a part timer so gets lots of rest. Has a moveset as steady and as reliable as Flairs. Takes his role as THE locker room leader/influence extremely seriously. Not a huge socializer. When he's at work, he's at work then goes straight home to his wife. Has a good workout routine but never relied on over-stuffed muscles. Been at this long enough to know how to make it look good without killing himself or others (except for Mick Foley). Rich enough to afford the very best medical care. Vince will tell him when it's over. One of the bare few who Viunce considers family. No pressure at all. Verdict: He's going to rest in peace 50 years from now.
3) Chris Benoit: Yes: Has said he plans on working until he's in a wheelchair. Crazy juicehead. Obessed with looking good in body and in the ring. Loves being the best worker around. Doing exactly what he wants to and will never stop. Lives in constant pain. Rivals Kurt Angle when it comes to determination. Will never get over being virtually ignored and a Vanilla Midget for the first 13 years of his career. Has two speeds, full tilt and sleep. Dynamite Kid is his hero. Is Canadian. Doesn't care. Smokes.No: Doesn't over-juice. Is a pure athlete. Why party when you can train? Has wife and kids who probably have an influence. Still young. Had his championship run and knows it's getting time to slow down. Best conditioning in this company. Will probably force his body to stay healthy through will-power. Eddie might be a wake-up call. Verdict: The Doctor who fixed his broken neck goddam TOLD him to stop doing that flying heabutt move... yet he STILL DOES IT. If he's not gone in ten years he'll be crippled... which he expects anyway.
4) Rey Mysterio Jr.: Yes: Look at him fly around like a maniac! Juiced. Knees are killing him. Back and neck can't be in that good a shape either. His heritage won't let him slow down. Pissed at himself for not performing like he did ten years ago at the ECW "One Night Stand" and will try to make-up for it. Little guy who parties hard. This is all he does and will be exiled from his country if he quits before... however that Lucha culture works. Underpaid and has money to earn. Finally impressed Vince enough so he's just about to get that mega-push. Will be working with heavyweights. Takes massive bumps. No: Doesn't party THAT hard. Family is everything and they WILL come first. Eddie was another wake-up call. Is used to a harder style so the WWE style is nothing to him. Is young and smart. Not TOO juiced up. Almost as flexible as RVD. Probably more of a pothead than anything else. When you're born to do something, it's tougher to die from it. Has a deep, deep, large, close family who will slap him down if he gets out of control. Has sense and knows this business well. Verdict: Rey is going to be a living legend in Mexico and will have a good, long life.
5) Randy Orton: Yes:: Has more rats than the New York sewers. Has the arrogance to party harder than anyone else. Is an idiot. His ego rivals Vince McMahon. Knows he's a chosen one in the company and acts like it. Juices big. Parties bigger. Thinks he's invunerable. Half the locker room can't stand him. His body isn't as cut as it was a year ago. Pissed that he was moved to Smackdown. A fuck machine. If he doesn't improve in the ring and out of the ring, they may give up on him... which is a blow his ego might not take. Seems more interested in what he does out of the ring then in it. Says he's engaged but who REALLY thinks that'll keep him off the rats. Thinks clean living is for suckers. So long as he keeps his washboard abs he'll be fine. No: Young enough to take the abuse for many years. Has years to go before he'll need to smarten up. A natural athlete. Shawn Michaels took the same path Orton's taking and he turned out fine. Would rather be defined and ropey than granite and huge. Great conditioning. Mat worker who doesn't take killer bumps. Verdict: Unless he OD's on something hard, he'll make it into his mid-thirties, and beyond if he grows wise with time.
Of course, there are a dozen others... including the Divas... but I'm not going through the roster. You can figure out who's who and what's what...
Then again... who would'a thought Eugene would be the next to screw up? And BOY... the Award for worst timing EVER goes to Nick Dinsmore. You'll see Christ sit down next to you at dinner and ask Mom to pass the rolls before you see Nick Dinsmore in a WWE ring again...
Wouldn't it be funny if CM Punk, of all people, was next to go? Oh I would laugh and laugh and laugh!! HA!
Anyway... nothing but sick stuff for the rest of the coilumn... NO intelligent discourse left... stupidity reigns from here on out. You've been warned.
HARPS, WINGS, AND NACHOS
Okay... this is... umm...
I feel for the Guerrero family, and I feel for anyone who was really hurt by this (eventhough12monthsagoeveryonewascarryingonaboutseeingthiscoming),
But as an antidote... of sorts... all these people, in columns and on message boards, carrying on like their mother's just died... it just... I mean, I understand your pain. They are marks... they are geeks... many of them walk around in wrestling shirts and talk about all the pretend title belts they have on their walls (once I asked how they thought they would get girls with those things hanging around... one of them sniffed, "The type of girls I date would ACCEPT me for who I am and what I like!"... then I was thrown off the board... fuckin' CRZ). To them, Eddie WAS a part of their family... a...
oh god... douchechills...
Anywhoo.... I PROMISE to keep this rather respectful... (the harder stuff is coming later... heh)... but let's assume Eddie got into Heaven... what would he see... what would happen...
THINGS OVERHEARD WHEN EDDIE GUERRERO WENT TO HEAVEN
-"Hey where the white women at?"
-"Greetings Eduardo, the lettuce patch is right this way."
-"Holy Crap! I made it in? I figured I'd be burning my nuts off by now!"
-"Art!?! Man you haven't missed many meals, huh?"
-"Owen didn't make it in? Hayzues!"
-"THAT'S God? Why does he look like Hogan?"
-"Waaait, why aren't I speaking with a Spanish accent?"
-"Why am I speaking in perfect English?"
-"Aha, so Feinstein DID do it! I thought so!"
-"OJ is INNOCENT? Aye carumba!"
-"What's Jim Ross doing here?"
-"So that WAS Vince's real hair? JBL owes me some DINERO!"
-"All the angels look like Trish Stratus!"
-"Whattaya mean you don't get cable up in here?"
-"Biggie Smalls is here but Tupac ain't? I'm not surprised."
-"Dinsmore did WHAT??"
-"Only FOUR HOURS for a tribute? That bastard Vince!"
-"So when does Satan collect Steph and Hunter's first born?"
-"You got me seated next to Flair and the Torch's Pat McNeill... but they ain't... oh really? No, I won't order now. I can wait a few minutes."
-"Everything smells like anchovies!"
-"Hey, psst... Hendrix... where can I score?"
And so it goes... see, I was kind... and at least I put him in the GOOD place!
FANTASIES IN APRIL
A very popular Indy worker (especially here at DOI), April Hunter recently spent the week in Germany for a photo-shoot... then was nice enough to let her fans know she was back:
Hi, I just got back from Germany and it was utterly gorgeous. I’m really surprised that we don’t hear more about it, especially with the quality of beer and wine and the fact that most Germans seem happy to speak their fluent English, (i.e. it’s easy to get around and party) but it seems most Americans tend to go to London or Paris when they travel abroad.
Anyway, more on all that once I get adjusted. For right now, I’m wiped out. I haven’t had a chance to get through my email or send out any merchandise orders yet, but I’m working on getting caught up now.
Well, on behalf of DOI... allow me to say WELCOME BACK, APRIL!! YOU WERE MISSED!
Well, no... not really... most of the people who visit this site, and post on the world famous message board didn't miss you... but I DID.
Ya' see... I want to be the safe harbor for April... the one bright spot on this site where she KNOWS she can click on and NOT get her balls busted... err, I mean her CHOPS busted... CHOPS...
No, seriously... I respect April... she's trying to get by in a man's club while knowing full well there is no big time contract on the horizon. She's doing what she loves and is hustling her shapely ASS off! I respect her... she'll always have a home here... she'll always be welcome.
Oh, and it doesn't hurt that I want to fuck her... well.
So... April, now that I got the mushy stuff out of the way, let's focus on the lust...
While you were gone for a week, I pleasured myself to your image 12 times... would've been more but A: there's Trish, B: There's the Trish imposter who is conning the HELL out of a lot of people online, C: There's Gloomchen (inside joke), D: There's porn, and E: There's the one time I actually REALLY got laid last week... so you got in there... plenty of times. Be flattered.
Anywhoo, since you're keeping us up to date with your schedule, I thought I'd let you have a peak into mine, only where you're concerned...
The Twelve Ways With April
1: Monday: Popped after thinking of you on top of me shaking your ass right near my face.
2: Tuesday: Popped after thinking of you sitting on my face in full smother mode. You were on your period.
3: Tuesday: Straight up Sex. Skinemax soft core style. Afterwards I gave you the "Angry Pirate"
4: Thursday: Doggy style with a shitload of hair pulling and spanking. Somewhere in there, I gave you the "Dirty Sanchez"
5: Thursday: On my lap, writhing on me, letting me play with your bazoongoes. I ate some of your hair.
6: Thursday: Doggy style with a shitload of hair pulling and spanking... and I think some barking was in there too.
7: Friday: Toe sex and a lot of dirty talk.
8: Friday: Let's just say it involved Apple pie, baby oil, and diapers. I was wearing a bonnet.
10: Sunday: Snuggling and heavy petting and Slyk Wagner Brown was tied up in the corner naked and surrounded by rat traps
11: Sunday: You were on your knees, against a brick wall, your mouth was... well, let';s not go crazy ahnd say it was FULL, but I was holding your hands over your head and doing all the work.
12: Two minutes ago. 2 minute break from writing this. Doggy Style with a shitload of dirty talk and spanking. A strap-on was involved. Somewhere in there, you gave me the "Dirty Sanchez". I did my own smearing for effect.
And there you go... how's that for flattery, baby!!
Welcome back, red! Don't tell me you didn't giggle!
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get
their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
He's already used his stroke to keep Eddie waiting at the Pearly Gates for a looooong time.
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
(Side note: You really think these boys are in... HEAVEN? Whattayou, on crack?)
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
AHA! I bet that's what killed Eddie.
DAMN YOU, MCMAHON!! WOULD IT KILL YOU TO HOLD SURPRISE NUTMEG TESTING??? YOUR BOYS ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES!!
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
Scientology? Hasn’t that been around for going on twenty years now? They weren’t nothing for a while there, just a couple of assholes trying to get by. Then that Tom Cruise signed up and he turned it into something. He brought all his women in on it too. Johnny Travolta too, but he wasn't nothing until Pulp Fiction made him into somebody. Now Scientology is right up there with all these other fringe religions. Everybody’s looking for something . Everybody wants to be somebody. Too bad for Scientology that Bush has Christianity all tied up in the White House. No room for anything but God now. God, what’s he done lately? Nothing. Nothing for two thousand years. But Bush has us all up in God. Nowadays if you ain’t into God you’re just a useless unpatriotic cocksucker. Can’t get nothing done. It’s always that way with the Republicans in the White House. Wait ‘till ’08. Hilary will get in there and it’ll be good times again. Get the Democrats back in there and then we can start making some money again. Then the Scientology and that L. Ron Hubbard can get in there. He can have his own office. The L. Ron Hubbard office with the L. Ron Hubbard portrait on top of the L. Ron Hubbard mantel all in the L. Ron Hubbard wing. He still alive, ain’t he? No? Good. Fuck him. Fuck Scientology. I don’t care who gets in there so long as we get God out of the White House and the Democrats starts letting the money go. Hand over fist, Hy-rate. That’s the only thing I worship. L. Ron Hubbard ain’t done nothing for me, neither has God. Money is what we need more of. The only thing I got to worry about is explaining to my daughter what’s what. She comes home talking about Scientology one day and I’ll have to tell her why Tom Cruise is a cocksucker. Other than that, who cares. It’s time to start making money again!
Flea: Two columns a year since 2003.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Oh what the hell... let's do one of these...
-Opens with highlights from "Genesis". My favorite part is when Mike Rutherford brought out the "Mechanics" to sing All I Need is a Miracle and Phil Collins got so mad HE started to sing Against All Odds at the same time. They started a power-ballard sing-off... then Collins got mad and screamed, "TOSS OFF, YOU GOURDLESS TITS! TRY TO GET BLOODY GABRIEL TO REUNITE WITH YOUR BLEEDIN' ARSES" and stormed off the stage. Fun times.
-We see Christian Cage making his debut, moutning the top rope and peering our with his hand over his brow at the Florida audience... no doubt looking for black people... none to be found. No WONDER these Canadians move down here.
-Opening credits. We get to see Jeff Jarrett swing the guitar no less than THREE times in this 20 second clip. Wrestling's New Alternative.
-a very calm Mike Tenay welcomes us to the show but doies NOT insist that this is our 60 minute hit on the crack pipe. Clearly, it's a snoozer this week.
-Tenay admits that tonights main event is Abyss vs Rhino. I'm tempted to grab my syringe filled with nutmeg right now.
-(If you don't get that joke, then how about scrolling up one segment and STOP SKIPPING PAST PARTS OF THIS COLUMN, ASSHOLE!!)
-Here at TNA they don't do 15 minute promos, they get RIGHT TO THE ACTION WITH THE GREATEST ATHLETES STILL ALIVE TODAY!! (Ouch, they are REALLY going after Vince now)
-And out comes Samoa Joe, who's got a pair of THE GREATEST MAN TITS STILL ALIVE TODAY!! Look at those things FLOP!
-Samoa Joe is wearing a bloody towel around his neck. Don West says it's the blood of Christopher Daniels. I say it's what you get when you pull the pineapple out of your ass... those crazy Samoans with their nutty pre-match rituals
-Joe was taking on some black guy named "Mr. 6:30", he is named so because 6:30 (am or pm, doesn't matter) is usually when the cops come knocking on his Momma's door with a search warrent looking for her boy.
-We see what Joe did to Chris Daniels. Temay says Daniels is half dead at his home in California and is still in major recovery (but still able enough to work the ROH weekend house circuit... SCREW YOU, SAPLOSKY!!! YOU WORK AND WORK AND WORK AND WORK THESE BOYS WITHOUT A DAY'S FUCKING REST!! HOW MANY MORE HAVE GOT TO DIE, GABE???? HOW MANY MORE?????)
-heh, can't wait to see how "Mr Clean" CM Punk handles the WWE work schedule drug free... heh... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
-Tenay promises us and EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW next week with Daniel's Doctor. If the Doctor insists on having his face blurred and his voice digitally altered, then you know it's a SHOOT... "Sure, I gave him some meds... fuck you...I ain't losing my license for a fucking fake sport!"
-Samoa Joe beat the black dude senseless, at one point clubbing him repeatedly over the neck and head with his left titty. He won.
-Joe looked at the camera then jerked his thumb behind him, "Lookit these white people all behind me..." when...
-AJ Styles showed up on camera with a nice pre-recorded bit. He is the New Face of TNA. He started hollering at Joe about breaking the X-Division "Code" (Don't eat from the buffet until AFTER the match... AFTER... not before, not during, not before, during, and after, JUST after!
-At one point, and right on cue, Joe turned his back on Styles. Styles screamed, "LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!!" I would've paid good money to bribe Joe into NOT turning around so Styles's could still yell it and the audience would collectively go "Huh? What's he, a tard???" Then Joe could have had a good ol' fashioned giggle-fit. That would've ruled.
-Styles, the X champ turned the tables and challenge Joe, the Ex-A cup to a match at... because TNA wants to be taken SERIOUSLY, DAMMIT... Turning Point, which is another PPV... one every month, that only marks like YOU order. Joe grunted and sneered a response.
-Commercials... take Morphoplex! TNA stars like Larry Zbyszco takes it, why not you? Don't you want to look like Larry Zbyszco?
-Mike Tenay (looking like he is redefining the phrase "on a bender") and Don West (looking like he likes his girls like he likes his cookies... small, chocolate, and girl scout) discuss how much Jarrett cock both men have to suck in order to keep their jobs there when...
-Jeff Jarrett storms out with Gail Kim, who serves no purpose there... has never given any explanation as to why she's with Jarrett, and doesn't have Trish to carry her. It's almost like she was just moved to Smackdown! HAW!! And yells at Tenay. Tenay yells back. Jarrett tells West to stay quiet and blew the line doing so (and he's the BOOKER!!!). Tenay points his finger and YELLS... Jarrett sells thew finger point and YELLS. Teny yells, Jarrett yells, Tenay's finger comes dangerously cose to Gail Kim's snatch. Jarrett says he'll go bitch at Zbyszco and takes Kim away just as tenay was about to lunge.
-Tenay acting tough makes me want to actually go to Orlando and hurt him. That sentence actually made Flea shout, "Oh fuck, DESI!! I AIN'T TAKIN' NO CHANCE THAT HE DON'T KNOW OUR ADDRESS!! PACK YER SHIT, DARLIN' WE'RE MOVIN!"
-AMW comes out. To this day I have never been even remotely enthralled by these two clowns. MNM does their bit, better and with a half-monkey but really HOT chick with them.
-Sonny Siaki and Appollo comes out. AMW attack them as they pose. Those no good HEEL BASTARDS!!
-Siaki and Appollo work for a few minutes then give both A AND W a pair of armdrags which send them out of the ring. West and Tenay screamed as if they just fell off the Hell in the Cell. Tenay went so far as to shriek, "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!! THEY KILLED THEM!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, THEY ARE BROKEN IN HALF!!"
-All that commotion for a pair of armdrags... welcome to the WRESTLING'S NEW ALTERNATIVE.
-As West was demanding that someone back there get off their butts and get out here with Medics and stretchers... we are sent off to some...
-AMW decided that the SHOW MUST GO ON (Quick, someone tell Vince to sign these boys... NOW! They get it!) and stayed in the match even after being armdragged all to hell. After some more hijinks, they won.
-Then they pulled out the table, and fumbled with it. They spray painted 3D on it... which brought out Team 3D, who... well a promo was cut and another PPV match was made.
-Brother D-Von looks a lot more muscular than usual... maybe HE'S on the Deathwatch?
-After the challenge was laid out, Don West broke all records when it comes to ridiculous hyperbole when he fucking SCREAMED, "YES, YES, YES, YES, LET THESE FOUR PUT SOME TABLES IN THE RING AND LET'S SEE SOME AAAAAAAACCCTTTiiiiiiiiiii...*" and couldn't quite finish as his damn breath ran out. Bet'cha this hillbilly smokes 5 packs a day and dips tobaccy in his rectum for good measure.
-Jeff Jarrett, Gail Kim, and (why does he still get to live?) Shane Douglas do a little scripted BIT in front of Larry Zbyszco's door... Gail eventually grabs her cell phone to call... well, if she has any sense she'll call Vince and offer to blow anyone for her job back... at half pay if need be. "I'll blow you, I'll blow Laurenitis, I'll blow Dunn, I'll even blow Eugene... what? When? HA, dumb shithead! Okay, how's this, I'll blow Heidenreich while Kane does me in one end and the Show does me in the other... YEAH at the same time... YEAH you can film it for the Christmas party! Just please get me out of here... PLEASE!!"
-A sevewral thousand dollar video package replays the last year of this drama between 3 Live Krew and Billy Kip James. Smack dab in the middle of it, they play a highly faggoty version of "You are my Sunshine"... which, when considering the players, makes perfect sense.
-Shane Douglas, who I SWEAR looks in the mirror and practices his Interviewer Facial Expressions, let's 3LK cut a backstage bit where Road James calls himself "J- Dizzle" (HE'S 80 YEARS OLD, GODDAMMIT!!!), Konan declares that this... the third week in Novemeber... is NOT "Sweep Week" (in Mexico, EVERY week is sweep week... and the ese's better sweep their ASSES off unless they want Nike to move back to Trenton and take their minimum wage paychecks with them!) and K Kwick stands there wondering why the fuck Monty Brown is enjoying the spot he was in not too long ago. Jesse Asshole says he has a huge announcement next week, Konan says he's going to do some side deals and the Truth is ignored. God Bless Old School Southern Booking!
-Abyss comes out with Jim Mitchell. They keep calling him "The Monster Abyss" when he's a 5 foot 10 inch fatso with no muscle tone and a perm. The Christ?
-Rhino comes out. Not even Tenay could hype this.
-Rhino won after Sabu showed up with a barbed wire chair. Tenay hollered that Sabu and Abyss will have the first ever (on American TV) "Barbed Wire" Match. The TRULY interesting thing about this match is the fact that Sabu has GOT to have AIDs by now... I mean, San Francisco ButtBoys don't swap as much body fluid as Sabu has. All those years, all that blood mixed in with other people's blood...
-The Aids match... now I'll order THAT PPV... We'll see how crazy Abyss is after Sabu starts dripping from all those holes.
-Let's hope Sabu gives Mitchell a huge hug afterwards... "Come here, you fruity little Devil! I got a little treat for ya! Gimmee a big hug! In honor of Eddie!"
-Meanwhile, Zbyszco tells Jarrett that he'll be fighting.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
-Sorry, dozed off... what I miss? Oh, it doesn't matter.
-Christian comes out. How did they get Jericho's old theme video?
-He hits the ring and peers out... hmm, still no black people. I LOVE this company!!
-He grabs the mic and says Triple H holds EVERYONE back! (MY GOD, THE WEB WAS RIGHT!!!)
-Then he said Trish was lousy in the sack... just lied there like a dead, smelly fish... (yeah, she can lie there all she wants... I'll just grunt away and count her money... plus there's the whole "show her off to everyone I've ever known like a trophy factor"... heh... heh heh heh... Hyatte rules)
-Monty Brown comes out and the two exchange promos... Brown uses big words, which would be fine if he didn't look out at the audience with pride after every one. Christain gawks at him... they go face up. Christian asks, "Where's Sharmell?" Brown hits his Pounce. Tenay takes a nip from his flask and screams, "MCMAHON KILLED LOUIE SPICOLLI" and...
-the show ends.
And yet... amid all this hostility and ball breaking... I see a lot of POSITIVES in this company... waaaay too many negatives, but lots of positives too! Cool.
Want one more thing before we wrap it up? NO??? Okay... cool.
Next week, I'm going to make you READ... a BOOK.... this time, I promise. I'll do other things too... not sure what... I'm never sure until around 2 am Sunday... I work on DEADLINES, kids... I ALWAYS wait 'till the last minute!!
And now I'm gone... off to jerk... probably with April Hunter in mind... and probably involving paint thinner. You like the kink, baby? Oh you have NO idea.
I'm out. Happy Thanksgiving, you jackasses!
This is Hyatte