The Midnight News
From Barry: who found this at Urban Dictionary.com
The highest form of Homosexuality known to man. Usually consists of watchin pro wrestling just to see sweaty men rub up on each other, pointing out who stuffs their trunks. Also, while doing so is on the phone for 5 hours with another man.
Went I went to San Francisco I saw these Fairies. They weren't just gay, they were Hyatte gay.
Source: Devin Diggler, Apr 26, 2004
A YEAR AND A HALF AGO?? Christ.
I do NOT spend 5 hours on the phone with another man... I'm too busy charming the panties off various women... who inevitably get mad at me for no reason and spend their time trash talking me in private journals. Yay! I make impressions! I leave lasting marks!
Hi Straight Edgers, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. It's CHRISTMAS!!
Great... let's just do this so I can go off and wait out this silly holiday...
Tonight, Smackdown showed up at my neck of the woods... the famed "Dunkin' Donuts Center" right smack in the heart of downtown Providence. I didn't go, I had no plans on going, and I'll probably never go whenever they come back. I don't wear wrestling t-shirts either, I NEVER use wrestling lingo in everyday conversation, (I'll never say to a friend "Hey, how did you get that hot chick to put you over on the dancefloor?") and I do 45-60 minutes of cardio 4 days a week. I'm about as normal as you'll ever find in your standard Internet Wrestling Superstar.
I didn't order it either. I was tempted, sure... but... bleh, Smackdown needs more starpower.
JBL vs Matt Hardy:
JBL won in a squash. You know, everyone keeps screaming about how HHH gets a free ride and a constant push because of his connections. So how did JBL become the Triple H of Smackdown? He didn't marry anyone important.
Matt Hardy may be getting buried left and right, but by Christ he's featured heavily in the TV show's opening credits! THAT'S A PUSH!! RIGHT THERE!! THAT'S RESPECT!!!
They showed the clip from Friday where Batista got really, REALLY into a make-out session with Melina. I can't imagine Mrs. Batista was too happy... that was a REAL kiss... wasn't over the top slobbery like Lita and Edge and it wasn't slam my lips down so tight they turn white fake shit like Christian an Trish. That was open mouth with possible tongue flicking. Many a tissue was filled with many gobs of semen all over the country for that.
The Mexicools offered Melina an easy win in exchange for the same action. She said no. Judging from that slight sdhadow across her top lip, it looks like chicita Melina has already experienced more than a few "Dirty Sanchezes" in her day.
MNM vs THE MEXICOOLS
MNM won in a match that the crowd snored at. Don't blame Rhode Islanders, they just think they are experts on everything. And most of them are Italian and too cool to pop. Many of them have hairy backs too. And those ridiculous accents.
Sharmell got jealous after the sole (heh) other sister of the WWE started making goo goo eyes at Booker T. Hey, it's either him or Orlando Jordan with his jacked up 'fro, or Lashley with his jacked up everything else or the Boogey Man with his... err.... hell, that dude could make Lauren Hill go to the white man.
Chris Benoit vs Booker T
Benoit won after a long, exciting match... which we've seen 5 billion times already and are guaranteed to see 3 more times. Plus we've... well, at least old farts (who think YOUNG like me) saw this 15 years ago with Magnum T.A. and Nikita Koloff for the NWA United States title (Nikita won the 7th match after Magnum made a dramatic comeback after being down 3-0... booked by newest WWE Writer Dusty Rhodes!)
So, the question is... who ends up getting crippled in a car wreck and who ends up turning face in honor of the downfall of his greatest opponent ever?
The Boogey Man continued his slow build to a Wrestlemania match with the Undertaker by shoving several hundred worms in Vito's mouth as Santa Nunzio wept. In Rhode Island, having a fucked up black guy make two dagos his bitches is grounds for a riot... not that the Rhode Island Italians would ever REALLY riot... they just like to talk about rioting while wearing tank tops and showing off their big biceps.... even in the dead of winter.
Bobby Lashley vs William Regal and Paul Birchell
Lashley won easily. Who did Regal piss off? Wasn't he good friends with Triple H? How did this happen? When will Lashley get smaller thanks to the new drug testing policy?
Josh Matthews talked to Tim White in "The Friendly Tap" (which is, like, a mile from where I'm sitting). White pissed and moaned about how "Hell in the Cell" ruined his life then ended up shooting himself off camera. I am just about to agree with every single asshole in cyberland who says that Vince has lost it. The idea here for WWE Creative is to make both shows wrestling's version of Lost. Where anything can happen. It's like the McMahons are admitting, "We know how stupid this business is, we know how low-rent our audience is, so we're going to stop pretending and just go with it."
By the way, The Friendly Tap is a world class dive. I'm talking full-out sawdust on the floors and bartenders in biker leather who spend more time on their mullets than they do on their women. In case you were wondering.
Juventud vs Kid Kash
Kash won. It took him 9 minutes. From what I'm hearing, he didn't show any personality that made him an Indy star. He wasn't allowed to be himself. HEY, CM PUNK, WELCOME TO YOUR FUTURE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Royal Rumble spot featuring Vince and Shane re-enacting the assasination of Caeser. Because last year's homage to West Side Story went over SO WELL.
Kane and the Big Show vs Batista and Rey Mysterio
Kane and the Big Show won... which not only evened things up after Smackdown's big Survivor Series win, but kind of gave the advantage to Raw on account that Rey and Batista had home-brand advantage
Don't you LOVE how Batista keeps working despite having an injury that really, really, TRULY can only be healed from inactivity? Don't you LOVE how he's doing this just a couple of weeks after Guerrero died and everyone started question they way WWE Superstars are forced to fight through their pain in order to keep their spots? Don't you LOVE how no one is questioning this?
The Undertaker vs Randy Orton
Apparently, this was a disappointment. Listen, stupid...
1) 'Taker is too old, too rich, and too cranky to kill himself anymore. Plus he's really, REALLY needed now.
2) Randy Orton is arguably more needed than the Undertaker. 'Taker is a special attraction these days... but Randy Orton is the franchise by which they're building this brand on. They can't afford to give him a big bump that might hurt him. They can't afford to hurt either guy
3) The name "Hell in the Cell" will always be enough to spark orders. It doesn't matter how brutal the match will be, or how lousy, it will forever be a huge incentive for fans to buy. In other words: they have your money, fuck you.
4) The match put and end to this feud. 'Taker won which is how to best utilize him. Orton lost but lost in the sort of match that anyone can lose and it won't damage their push. Both wrestlers came out of this in the same position they were in when they entered.
So there you have it. The crowd sucked, but man, look at all those tank tops!! Look at those Rhode Island biceps!
The nice thing is, they'll show this match in a few months on WWE 24/7. So I'll get to see it anyway! HA!!
THE KING OF THE WRESTLING ONE-LINERS
So, as a special Christmas gift... because he deserves it and because YOU demanded it (maybe not)… ladies and Gentlemen, straight from the catskills... still kicking after 65 years of comedy... he's one of a kind... he's exclusive to the Midnight News... he is the KING OF THE WRESTLING ONE-LINERS…the comedy stylings of… MR. HAL JOTSKY!!
(note, my interjects will be italicized)
Thank you, Thank you!! Sell my guitar shot, PLEASE (*rimshot)
Hey, did you hear about April Hunter and Slyk Wagner? I hear the whoole sthing started after he tried to put her on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. Brown got mad when April didn't lose any weight, but starting climbing all the trees in the neighborhood! (BANG!!)
Ha ha ha HAA… very funny Mr. Jotsky, sir.
Tammy Sytch was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. (ZAP!!)
But love isn’t all that bad. Take the Hunter and Stephanie! It’s great to see Hunter be in love with the same girl for many, many years. But if Stephanie ever finds about her, LOOK OUT!! (WHOA!!)
I tell ya', marriage is rough on people. The other day I saw Stephanie McMahon running after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street was Triple H yelling, "No, jump in!" (BA-DUM DUM)
But at least Helmsley is getting some! The other night I asked Trish's boyfriend what his idea of foreplay is. He said a half hour of begging.(HOWZAAA)
Hal Jotsky, KING OF THE WRESTLING ONE-LINERS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!
Hell, why did Lawler cross the road? Because he thought the chicken was a slut!! (HO!!!)
Professional wrestlers. None of them can act! Why, they are wooden whenever they play with themselves their hands catch on fire (HIYOO!!!)
You gotta love the WWE! You know why Christ couldn’t have been born in the WWE? Because you wouldn’t be able to find three wise men OR a virgin!! (GIDDYUP!!)
I'm not saying the WWE wrestlers are dumb, but I tried to tell Trish a knock-knock joke? She kept trying to answer the door! (MISHIGAS!!)
Hey, HEY, Mr Jotsky!! Trish is a favorite of mine! Lay off now…
Take it easy, sonny boy. How about that Paul Heyman huh? Heyman’s so Jewish, when he was growing up, he used to tease the other kids by screaming: “Your mother pays retail!” (ZAMPHIR!!)
I don’t want to say Heyman’s people are cheap, but they wandered the desert for 40 years because somebody dropped a quarter!! (HUWAA)
MISTER JOTSKY, WILL YOU PLEASE BE MORE SENSITIVE??
Boy that Slyk Wagner has huge fingers! Must be because he has huge nostrils (BILLYCRUDUPPUP!!!)
NOW THAT’S… okay, that’s not SO bad…
Speaking of WWE Divas, Why does a Melina wear underwear? To keep her ankles warm. (KAPOW!!)
FOR GOD’S SAKES, MR JOTSKY!!
Ease up, ease up, junior. Why does Melina drive a low rider? So she can pick the lettuce as she goes!! (BOOM SHAKABOOM!!!)
What's the difference between Mickie James and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. (BANG ZOOM!!)
You know who I miss? That Molly Holly. How do you get Molly Holly in your bed? Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the bed. (HEYMANAWWLEAVEMEALONEYAKNOW)
What's the difference between Stacey Keibler and a broom closet? Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. (CATCHASCATCHCAN)
MR. JOTSKY!!! PLEASE STOP!!
Why don't Rey Mysterio have a checking account? Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can. (BANZAI!!)
Oh, God… this isn’t going well…
You hear that Booker T and Rey Mysterio opened a restaurant together? It’s called “NACHO MAMA”!! (HUZZAH)
DAMMIT HAL, YOU PRO…ha ha hahahaha… Nacho Mama… that’s pretty funny… BWAHAHAHAAA
I was over the Guerrero’s house after his funeral. They had a diving board attached to their cesspool!! (PAPPITYPOWPOWPOW)
Oh YOU WERE NOT OVER AT THEIR HOUSE! STOP IT THIS INSTANT!!
Relax, kid. I’m a pro here. What do you get when you cross New Jack with Kenta Kobashi? A car thief who can't drive. (FENGSHUI!!)
Ladies and Gentlemen, PLEASE remember that Mr. Jotsky comes from a different era…
Now, I don’t want to say New Jack has a lot of children, but in his house, another word for “confusion” is “Father’s Day”! (WHAZZUP!!!)
Oh GOD… people, the man came from a different time… where certain off color remarks were more acceptable in the mainstream.
Now , now… it’s okay. I happen to know that New Jack treats his kids GREAT! Why, you know what he got his son for his birthday? MY BIKE!! AND I WANT IT BACK!!!! (HEEHO!!)
Oh man… his bowtie is spinning… this is getting out of control. Cue the band…
You playing me off??? You little bag of… I ONCE MADE RICHARD PRYOR SHINE MY SHOES WITH HIS WIFE’S EVENING DRESS!!! DO YOU KNOW YOU I AM???
HAL JOTSKY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! That’s right, hook him out of here… hook him out.
Whew… ladies and gentlemen, rest assured, Mr. Jotsky’s jokes may be… insensitive, be I promise you, the love of his life is a lady called comedy, and he will NEVER be back!
Whew… tough room.
Dear April Hunter,
I'm terribly sorry about the situation you found yourself in. No woman should be treated as such by a man, any man.
I think you are a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman who deserves better. Any man who gets the pleasure of your company, in any form, should be honored and flattered.
You deserve better. You have my deepest sympathies and my fondest wishes for a great Christmas and may 2006 bring every dream you ever had right at your feet. May your every desire come true. May every promoter pay you promptly and with hard cash.
Not every asshole on the internet is an asshole. There are some good ones out there.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
Instead of fake snow, he powders his tree with protein powder!
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
.... well, umm... doesn't exactly make him better than you... sort'a makes him look like an imbecile... forget this one.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*In 1747, the first Christmas tree was a pyramid made out of wood and decorated with apples and evergreen boughs.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
...cooking scrambled eggs?
Easy. Dump as many of them as you want in a blender. Season them as you like. Blend them up fast for about ten seconds then dump them on the stove at medium heat. MEDIUM HEAT! Too many assholes use high heat; that ain't the way it's done. Wake up ten minutes early and do it properly or don't bother. Now go about your business and leave those fuckers alone. The eggs know what to do, they don't need some catfish poking them with a fork. When they're done, dump them in a bowl or in with whatever your cooking up to go with them: Flank steak, sausage, whatever. Or eat them straight like all the other broke commoners out there. That's your breakfast. Grazi.
Flea: Who threw a fit after I called him a faggot for liking Brokeback Mountain
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Yeah... it's about that time. Can't put it off any longer...
-Opens with a video package highlighting the crucial... CRUCIAL events of Turning Point... Barbed fury TOO VIOLENT FOR TV.... a Konnan heel turn TOO HEARTBREAKING FOR THE 4LK ARMY...Samoa Joe vs AJ Styles TOO AWESOME FOR THE CHEAPSKATES WHO ONLY WATCH FREE TV... and the Jarrett/Rhyno match TOO RIDICULOUS FOR EVEN THE CASUAL FAN TO BE INTRIQUED BY. Oh, and Sting is coming... as soon as the Panda check clears.
-Mike Tenay shouts "YOU WANT ADRENALINE! THIS IS TNA!! WE'LL GET YOU HARDER THAN THREE TABS OF EX!!" I detected some slurring
-Don West shows off his shiny shirt and Mike Tenay shows off his "serious play by play man" scowl as they start to tell us how great their latest PPV was and how only suckers missed it when...
-Jeff Jarrett comes out because the show is only 30 seconds old and the audience wants to see some STARS!!! Jarrett is up in arms about this whole Sting deal (heh, so is half the IWC... the other half isn't paying attention) and deamndfs answers. Tenay scowls harder, as if the bartender just cut him off, points his finger at Jarrett, and starts barking at him all tough-like. Getting no answers but a solid amount of TV time, Jarrett walks off and Tenay takes a nip of his liquid courage. West manages to get winded just from sitting their quietly.
-On his way out, Jarrett passes Samoa Joe. They stare at each other for a moment then go on. Joe thinking, "Can't wait for my world title push"... Jarrett thinking, "Can't wait to have him run me over with a car then claim he did it for his fellow Island boys. THAT'LL get me over!"
-Joe took on Jay Lethal... in ROH, these two have a deep, multi-layered, slow-cooked angle where Jay gives Joe a serious run for his money and the two NEVER fail to deliver 4 * matches. In TNA, Wrestling's NEW Alternative, Lethal gets punk-slapped in under 4 minutes. HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! THESE HILLBILLIES ARE GONNA SAVE WRESTLING FROM VINCE MCMAHON!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
-Reality check, kids... Samoa Joe, your WRESTLER OF THE MILLENIUM... is a fat dude who kicks people and only sells the big spots.
-Konnan and Ron The Truth Killings have a conversation if front of Shane Douglas with dialogue that I SWEAR someone pulled from Queer as Folk. You gotta love white, southern rednecks... only they would have the balls to do a homoerotic promo between a so-black-he's-purple African and a so-greasy-he-catches-fire-in-the-sun Mexican.
-Alex Shelley beat Matt Bentley in a match that makes me wish for the good ol days when Norman Smiley would take on Lenny Lane during the COVETED 8:40 Nitro slot. Shannon Moore made a cameo appearence dressed like a "Punk". Tenay acted like Stone Cold just showed up.
-Jeff Jarrett is stomping around backstage looking for Monty Brown. He asks AMW if they saw him. The cowboy says, "No, but if you find him, ask me for my fucking wallet back!" Gail Kim, who used to work quality matches "up North" shows up and demands that Jarrett give her answers to.... oh I don't know.
-Strange... strange how Jarrett didn't ask Gail where Monty was... I mean... you know how black guys just LOVE Asian girls.
-What? Don't look at me like that! THEY DO! Wesley Snipes... Dave Chapelle... Fiddy Cent... all of them.
-Shane Douglas bumps into Jim Mitchell and the 5 foot tall chubby "monster" with a white 'fro Abyss. Abyss shows off his hacked up arm with PRIDE... Mitchell has nothing to show off as he is a complete mess and a major tool. I bet Mitchell has cigarrette ashes in his chest hair. He seems the type.
-Mitchell says it's time for an "Abysmal" title program! Heh... hahahahahahahah BWAHAHAHAHAH THE WIT!! And calls TNA a "petting zoo" with Ravens and Rhinos and "dumb beats from the Serengeti"... which is about as close to calling Monty Brown the "n-word" as he can possibly get. Jesus, someone lynch this prick already!
-The fat, grubby Canadian whom I never heard of before but somehow has become one of the most powerful men in wrestling shows up and asks Mitchell and his dopey Kane rip-off for a private chat.
-Rhino defeats some dude and then cuts a promo which reminds all of us why he was fired from the WWE to begin with. The gist is he promises us PLENTY more attempts to get his ass over as a main event player!
-Simon Diamond tells Jeff Jarrett that he hasn't seen Monty Brown either... but promises him that if Dawn Marie's baby come out black, Brown will be the FIRST asshole he looks at!!
-Gail Kim really, REALLY needs to talk to Double J. Someone in TNA Creative, possibly Jeff Jarrett, thought, "Hmm, if we make Jeff irrestible to the ladies, then he'll REALLY get heel heat! Who wouldn't be jealous of Jeff Jarrett?? And... and CENA doesn't have ladies fighting over him on camera!!"
-Larry Zbyszko tells Shane Douglas that his current program with Stone Cold Raven will continue through one more PPV, where TNA will haul out ANOTHER wrestler from Raven's past (*COUGHnotemployedbywwesonottommydreamerorstevierichards) to cause him pain and suffering! I'm guessing THE BLUE MEANIE!! Or maybe SICK BOY!! or perhaps... by God, LODI!! THEY JUST HIRED LODI!!! THE WWE IS IN FOR IT NOW!! ALL THE STARS GO TO TNA!!
-Shane Douglas sends us back to the ring and cackles... cackles that Shane Douglas cackle.... that fucking ridiculous... forced... heel cackle that he really lost the right to use since he is now resigned to doing backstage interviews and looking like a tool.
-WHY CAN'T THEY SEND THIS GUY BACK TO PHILLY AND BRING BACK GOLDYLOCKS???? GOLDY WAS A WISEASS!! SHE HAD SPUNK!! AND SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE ENJOYED ANAL!
-Team Three D beat up Simon Diamond's crew. Was D-Von always that jacked? Beyond that small observation, I've got nothing.
-Backstage, Jeff Jarrett rounds up Team Canada and.... the Canadians don't know where Monty Brown is either, but in all fairness, whenever a brother is nearby, Canadians tend to run the the opposite direction.... and run FAST.
-More Gail Kim drama. Jarrett tells her "either cheer up or I'm gonna Slyk Wagner your ass!" Oh SNAP!
-commercials. They actually had them running throught the hour... I just forgot to plug them in.
-Jarrett, Team Canada, Abyss and Mitchell, and AMW were in the ring and Jarrett started moutning off about all these new hires recently. After getting everyone in the ring to agree to being partners (thus, we can expect 19 turns... many of them from heel to face to heel to face and back to heel as time goes by) Jarrett DEMANDS that Monty Brown come out.
-Out comes Monty Brown... why is the brother always LATE... heh heh heh HAHAHAHA.... ohhhh I'm gonna get killed one day. He told Jarrett he had car troubles... (HAHAHAHAHAAA) ande was pulled over by the white man (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and...
-Brown admits that the last time he saw so many white people, he was signing an NFL contract!
-After some dramatic ADRENALIZING tension, Brown sells out and shales Jarrett's hand. Jarrett had the BALLS to say to "TNA Management" (Zbysko? He's already on the gold course) "If you want a war, you've GOT a war!"
-When do they start wearing the "TWO" black and white t-shirts?
-Suddenly, The Understinger's symbols show up all over the place. On the ramp, Christian, Team 3D, and Rhino appear... with every symbol Sting has ever used.
Tenay nips a sip of whiskey from his flask and shrieks "THE BATTLE LINES HAVE BEEN DRAWN! VINCE MCMAHON FRAMED ROB FEINSTEIN!!" then...
-The show went off the air.
Try as I might... I just can't get worked up over this. TNA has no long term plan. They are simply booking things from PPV to PPV...
But... this is the sort of fucked up thinking they are doing down there. They end the show with four former WWE guys making the stand against the TNA guys... all of whom are about as homegrown with TNA aqs you can possibly get... yet the WWE guys are the Babyfaces whom you are supposed to root for... so any hardcore TNA fans now are being told that the WWE guys are going to save TNA from themeselves! It doesn't make a lick of sense.
And nevermind Sting. The fun part will be when he talks Dixie into hiring Lex Luger for a spell.
No WONDER Team 3D and Christian have been phoning it in so far... the writing team down there are just as clueless as the TV writers up north! It's practically a paid vacation for them... and they are treated like the Second Coming!
Shit, only Rhino is working as if he knows this is his last shot at some nest egg.
That’s it. And finally...
(avoidingthesecond) HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
To spread some last minute Christmas cheer, and to put a cute little red bow around this PRESENT... this GODDAM PRESENT of a column....
Nice thing about Christmas, it's the time of the year when the WWE wrestlers get a week off... or is it so nice? What about the wrestlers who keep little mini-families around the country? Having a week off sucks for many of them because being on the road is a good excuse to not visit the various children they have scattered around the country.
Don't fret, you big, juiced up horndogs. Ol' Hyatte has you covered...
The following are ready made, all-purpose excuses that you can use on YOUR rat to avoid seeing your bastard kids during the holidays... and the beauty is, you can do any one of them over the phone.
-"That kid ain't mine!"
-"I'm still mourning over Eddie."
-"Who's this? Wrong number!"
-"Aww baby, I'm buried under nine feet of snow here! The airport is closed. Plow drivers are on strike. I'm stuck here. Well of COURSE it snows in Arizona!"
-"Say again?" (WHOOSHIE WHOO WHOO WHOO *make static sounds with your voice) "I'm sorry" (WHOOSHIE WHOO) "I can't hear you." (WHOOSHIE WHOOOOO) "Try again after the holidays." (WHOOSHIE WHOOO) "Breaking up." (WHOOO SHHHHHHHPLOOOOO) "Merry Christman whoever you are" (WHOOOOOOOSH *hang up)
-"Aw babe, I jacked my... umm... KNEE... yeah, that'll work.. the other night after wrestling Snitsky (or Heidenreich if you're on Smackdown) and Vince is busting our balls on Soma dosing. I gotta stay home and rehab!"
-"Listen, I just got my Survivor Series check and... fuckin' Vince is screwing me right up the ass! I can't afford the plane ticket."
-"Oh just tell the kid he's a Jew and Santa ain't coming."
-"I'm sending him some DVDs in the mail. Go out there and wait for them!"
-"Is this a rib? Bradshaw, is this you? Ho ho you ain't fooling me! Goodbye!"
-"Why should I go see the brat? He still looks more like Howard Finkle than he does me!"
-"Oh shoot honey, I'm going into rehab this week. Can't make it."
-"Did you hear about Hunter and Hemme? No way I'm going to chance getting caught in your town during my week off."
-"Which one are you now?"
-"Bad news, babe. I've decided I'm gay. I'm spending the holidays in San Francisco with Scott Levy"
-"Funny thing happened at the airport, I got arrested! I'm in jail, baby. Sorry. Luger says hi."
-"How did you get this number?"
-"Just chill, I'll be retiring after Wrestlemania and then I'll just knock on your door and we'll live happily ever after! No this is NOT a work! I am NOT conning you. Shut up."
-"Look, just roll the computer into the living room, click to my MySpace page, and have the kid open his presents in front of it. It'll just be like I'm there."
And for any current champions out there....
-"Instead of me coming out there, on our next TV show I'll tap my belt three times just for you! Won't that be better than a dumb ol' visit?"
And there ya' go. You'll be all set 'till next year!
I'm off. Next week, next SUNDAY, when I usually do these things... is Christmas.
No... no I won't be here. And neither should you. Go be with your families, losers.
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
This is Hyatte