The Midnight News
How much traffic do you think the Inside Pulse wrestling subsite tends to get? You should contribute to their site more often as you are a very fun and talented columnist. I've been reading your stuff for years.
Stay well and Happy New Year...
Uhhh... I'm sure the traffic of my old place is still strong... just not as strong as it was a few months ago. Heh.
I'll get into the traffic at this place in a future column. Oh there is some crowing to be had. Oh yes.
Hello douchbags, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Brand new column for 2006! No rehashes... well, maybe one or two.... phoned in nice and proper like too. We'll have fun.
And we're off...
YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTIIIIIIION....
Well, ya know...
Here's the nice thing about having WWE 24/7 on your cable service... you get all the PPVs about 2 months after they show...
So in January, they're running Taboo Tuesday and No Mercy. Next month they're running Survivor Series and Armageddon.
SOOOOOO, why blow $35 on a one brand PPV like New Years Revolution when I'll watch it for $6 in March... as many times as I want? Why? WHY???
Damn straight. I didn't get it. If YOU have access to the In Demand service, and they carry 24/7.... get it. This month they are running a Bobby Heenan tribute in their Hall of Fame section... INCLUDING the classic four episodes of The Bobby Heenan Show, which was proably the most subversive, hilarious thing they ever put out. And Heenan was never funnier.
His first guest was these nerdy guy (probably a writer). At one point, the nerd crossed his legs and his shoe flew off his foot...
Heenan, in classic Heenan deadpan: "Go get your shoe, dummy. Last thing we need is the health inspector coming down here and condemning your socks."
Really, really funny shit.
Anyway, here's what happened tonight!
-Edge tuned up Flair and was DQed for it. Edge has bigger fish to fry other than the IC title, it turned out.
-Kurt Angle cut a promo where it seemed they basically admitted to going overboard with his quest for Heel heat so they played with it.
-Trish and Mickie had a match which managed to contradict itself by doing nothing to advance their storyline but still being LOVED by pretty much everyone. Trish Stratus can do no wrong in anyone's eyes. Most of us even forgive a few blown spots. The girl is clearly in the prime of her career.
-Sheldon's mama feels that her boy ain't getting enough soul food in his diet. And really, who who can say no to cornbread?
-Jerry Lawler, a full time announcer, pinned Greg Helms, a full time wrestler looking for a push. On Helms MySpace page I'm sure he'll have a blog entry about how it was an honor to put the King over.
-Backstage, Trish and Lita have a staredown. One thing creative is real good at is building Trish's future storylines... so expect Lita to get involved with her and Mickie soon.
-Sheldon's Mamma was hit on by Viscera.
-Big Show and Triple H had an unremarkable match. HHH won.
-the road to Sheldon's comeback began as he beat Viscera with his Mamma at ringside.
-Ashley won the Bra and Panties Gauntlet with an appearence from Mae Young and Moolah. It was what it was... with Maria apparently showing signs of wanting to learn more.
-Cena was booed out of the building.... it gets worse every time for him. He eventually won the Elimination Chamber... which had Angle, Kane, and Michaels beaten first.
-Then Edge played his "Money in the Bank" card and demanded a title match right there. He got it and won. The show ended with a new champion.
Later, on WWE.com, Edge promised some ridiculously violent sex with Lita on Raw tomorrow night.... and I suddenly had this vision.... since they re-introduced the Lita/Trish heat tonight... and rumors abound that Trish is the one going heel...
Let's just say it wouldn't surprise me if Edge ends up fucking Trish in the middle of Raw tomorrow night. Oh I'll end up hanging myself, but I was going to do that eventually anyway.
So that's the show... let's move on.
The best story of the week is how some Indy guy named "Havoc" was tossed out of the Smackdown locker room during the TV tapings last week. What is being reported is that his first error was trying to barge into the dressing room while Teddy Long was doing shadow puppetry with his penis. Havoc insisted on getting in, which enraged JBL and earned him a stern chewing out.
THEN, Havoc worked heavy with Lashley! No helping. Lashley had to lift him all by himself. Made the brother WORK, he did.
Apparently, he was such a prick that Chris Benoit was about to kill him.
Now, as Indy workers, many of you must be wondering what YOU can do to get on the GOOD side of the WWE locker room when it's your time to be called. How you can make a POSITIVE impact!! Well, ol' Hyatte is here with the help....
WWE LOCKER ROOM DO'S AND DON'TS
-DO smile a lot and shake everyone's hand
-DON'T storm in there and shout, "Alright, where's can I score that high grade cocaine everyone talks about?"
-DO politely approach the Undertaker and thank him for years of entertainment and inspiration
-DON'T approach the Undertaker and say, "You look older in real life."
-DO make small talk with Chris Benoit and ask for pointers.
-DON'T go up to Chris Benoit and ask, "Who are you? Are you here for a try-out too?"
-DO be genial and cordial if JBL acknowledges you.
-DON'T loudly boast, "No one better pull any of that Blue Meanie shit on ME, motherfuckers!"
-DO pay close attention to the agent's instructions and promise him a professional performance
-DON'T cut the agent off mid-sentence with, "There's the fucking buffet! Be back in a flash!"
-DO show good humor as Bob Holly throws hard, but well-meaning barbs your way.
-DON'T look Holly right in the eyes and growl, "Fuck you. You're the biggest joke in wrestling, Spark Plug!"
-DO leave the Divas alone. They are their to work,
-DON'T appraoch Melina and say, "You face looks like it's smelling Polish farts but I'll do you doggy style, bitch!"
-DO admire the Divas from a professional distance.
-DON'T take a poll to see who has banged Stratus.
-DO introduce yourself to Stephanie and say, "I hope to impress you tonight."
-DON'T introduce yourself to Stephanie and say, "Are the rumors about Hunter fucking Hemme true?
-DO congratulate the Boogey Man on his unique, interesting push
-DON'T congratulate the Boogey Man on having the most retarded gimmick in 10 years
-DO keep saying it's just an honor to be there.
-DON'T loudly demand your paycheck because Laurenitus is a known sneak.
-DO cheerfully admit to being in awe of working with these superstars.
-DON'T openly ask if Eddie's death was a work.
-DO show your nervous excitement about getting this opportunity.
-DON'T start shouting, "You assholes better let me get in my Shining Wizard!"
-DO do exactly what you're told, shower and dress quicky, thank everyone for the good time, and leave quietly
-DON'T work your match, go backstage, walk around naked and shout, "NOW WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN' RATS???"
Just some tips... a few... a couple... it'll help you in your career...
Oh, and if you DO cause trouble and stir up shit... just do what Ruckus did and find another guy using your gimmick name and blame him!
THE FUNKING MOJO
There's GOOD "mojo" and "bad" mojo.... which, for those who don't know, is along the same lines as "karma", "fate", "destiny", and plain old "luck"...
Alan Funk has been a wrestler for years now. You best know him as then he showed up in TNA and was a transvestite homo character for a spell.
Well, over the course of the last 7 years, the following has happened to Alan Funk:
1) He debuted as "Kwee Wee" in WCW. An insane gimmick where everyone instantly falls in love with him, and he's all gentle and meek and kind, until he gets mad then he goes lunatic... this lasted just a few weeks then was repackaged more than a few times, all of which as a homo of some sort. Quietly went away sometime during WCW's last few months.
2) Watched and stewed as Mike Sanders... MIKE SANDERS OF ALL PEOPLE... wisely politicized his way into Kevin Nash and Vince Russo's good graces while he struggled to keep the audience awake during whatever ignored first hour angle he was involved in.
3) Watched and stewed as quality talent like Lash Lareoux cashed in bigger WCW checks then he did.
4) Got a WWF development deal. Didn't even get a dark match try-out. Was fired the week before Christmas. Considers Vince a fucking prick. Must live with the fact that Vince probably could not pick him out of a line-up.
5) Showed up on TNA as a raging queen. Wrestled women. Declared himself "Miss TNA". Got stuck with being April Hunter and Slyk Wagner Brown's TNA try-out angle.
6) Spent 6 months in TNA and got one major angle teaming with Jarrett against a fucking racecar driver named "Hermie".
7) Was tossed out of TNA when NO ONE was tossed out of TNA unless they screwed up royal. Bummed around Japan.
8) Had his face demolished by SONNY SIAKI of all people in Finland. Had six plates put in his face and is half deaf in one ear. The bill was $80'000... the promoter forwarded it to him.
9) His wife visited him in the hospital and introduced him to the man she was fucking on the side.
10) Took two years to recover. Promptly returned and glommed on to Mike Sanders... who isn't exactly climbing the ladder of superstardom either.
11) Vince Russo brings him into his "God Rules" promotion, and gives him a new homo gimmick!
12) Works Indy shows, gets the honor of putting over David Flair.
13) Watches and fumes as John Cena gets tons and tons of success even though he can't wrestle for shit while Funk is still wrestling for gas money and is one potato away from a total facial cave-in.
You know... I'm the last asshole to give career advice... and if you love what you do... then by all means, keep doing it but... sometimes, the Gods put their heads together and agree to collectively send signals to some poor sucker.... signals that they may be on the wrong path.
Might be time for Kwee Wee to give up rasslin' and start selling Mazdas. Or even Kia. Nice cars, those Kias. Affordable too. Make a nice, safe living doing that.
Yeah... professional wrestling might not be for EVERYONE... why don't you be smart and pack 'er in.
For crying out loud.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get
their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
His sperm just netted him an billion dollar Empire. Your sperm just makes your sheets crusty.
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Studies show that divorced women have more trouble starting new relationships than divorced men. *
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
That's cuz when men have kids, it shows responsiblilty... when women have kids, it shows a sloppy, well opened pussy. And who wants someone else's kids anyway? That's just asking for headaches!
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
I'm gonna punch that cocksucker in the face for double-crossing me.
That may be the funniest thing he has ever said to me. To this day I don't know how or why Ax'l Rose double-crossed him
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
-Opens with a video recap of THE STORYLINE THAT HAS TAKEN WRESTLING BY STORM!! The BREAKUP of 4 Live Krew!!!
-I mean really... who CAN'T be glued to their seats waiting for Bob Armstrong to bring some OLD SCHOOL SOUTHERN REVENGE against that no good Konnan!
-"Bullet" Bob Armstrong.... 60 years on this planet and he STILL ain't clued in on the gayness of the bowl haircut!
-Opening theme. I like the moron who just sits there patiently for two seconds while Jarrett winds up and hits him with the guitar.
-Mike Tenay starts in on how Sting will save all of them from the unemployment line. He also promises a show full of tributes from TNA wrestlers concerning how happy they are that the Stinger is coming. Yes, I'm sure Chris Sabin's gonna be doing friggin' cartwheels when Sting pulls up in his Bentley as he's unloading his gear out of his '94 Dodge Neon.
-Team Three D charges out and makes short work out of Alex Lovett and Buck Quartermain.... I mean REALLY short work... I'm talking Jose Luis Rivera and the UNPREDICTABLE Johnny Rodz type of short work.
-Brother Bubble grabs the mic and lies through his teeth about how the NWA tag titles are the one set of belts he would give up every other title reign ever for... yeah, maybe 25 years ago... but now when you have some fatso named Billy Firehawk shelling out thousands to guys like MAVEN for a 60 second promo on an "NWA" (Cyberspace) indy company in the bowels of Jersey... the prestige sort of loses it's sheen.
-Funny thing about Team Three D... D-Von now is the wrestler who wears a tank top but wants to show off his newly grown upper torso so much that he keeps pulling it down while Buh Buh Ray is slowly morphing into Mick Foley. Within 6 months he's going to start wearing sweatpants.
-I LOVE Team 3 D!! They are getting paid assloads of cash to phone it in. They KNOW TNA needs them more than the other way around. All Indy wrestlers take note... THIS should be your ultimate goal... to become enough of a name to get filthy rich while not killing yourself and handing in half-assed performances! Hulk Hogan blazed this trail... PUT HIS POSTER ON YOUR WALL AND PAY RESPECTS!!!!
-Mike Tenay and Don West carry on about how Sting is here to give us ALL something to hope for. "TNA NEEDS A SUPER HERO!!" screamed Tenay. "AND THAT SUPER HERO IS STIIIIIIIIIING!!"
-Meanwhile, Samoa Joe, the apparent WRESTLER OF THE CENTURY according to everyone, is getting the TNA runaround cuz he wants extra gas money. I find this hilarious.
-in an "up close and personal" moment, Sonjay Dutt recalls how Sting once flew in on a magic carpet and conjured up a sand storm to keep those infidel nomadic CURS away from Sonjay's village back in 1992.
-commercials. TNA is sponsored by an Online Poker Website... which may be THE most brilliant, easiest moneymaking new business of the last 20 years. I mean... it's a fucking license to print money.
-That tool Shane Douglas holds the microphone as tightly as he's holding onto the last fart fumes of his career and makes ghastly faces while Jeff Jarrett, those AMW kids, a whole bunch of Canadians, and Gail Kim do a backstage "bit" where Jarrett accuses TNA of bringing in Sting to get the title off him. He promises their own "Sting tribute" later in the show, then asks where is Monty Brown (probably out smoking a blunt, yo'). Scott D'Amore (pie) waddles in and admits that he broke a major Federal crime by opening a letter from Jackie Gaydar to Jeff Jarrett regarding Canada. Jarrett says Gaydar is just being a woman, which pisses off Gail Kim. Jarrett blows HER off and takes off. Popsicle stick with implants Gail Kim is still apparently on the WWE Diva diet, (three carrot sticks, half an eggwhite, 2 gallons of water, a needy, abusive boyfriend, and five long toots of coke)
-Konan comes out with Apollo and Homicide. Konan is wearing that bandanna around his face (because after each show he time travels back to 1875 and robs stage coaches). Konan gets on the stick and tries to convince us that Homicide is latino. He says he's tired of being in a "Krew" with two 40 year old "hip" white guys and a break-dancing machine and now has two "gangstas" wit him! He starts to call his crew the "Latino Mafia" but Homicide stopped him and said, "Mafia?!?!? OH HAYELLL NO!!!" So Konan settled for "The Latino American Exchange"... (motto: "Give us your white daughters and we'll give you a summer of free lawn care! OL LA LE!!!")
-The LAE (ha! Ain't that those fruity things you wear around your neck in Hawaii?) beat the crap out of the "Naturals"... who were something before TNA went to Spike... then were forgotten... heh, suckers... then Konan hits them and the ref with a loaded sock. Then Road Dog and Kip James charge out and they get whacked. Tenay is outraged, West is hyperventilating, TNA production is CRANKING up the audience sweetener (you clowns REALLY think only Smackdown plays with the crowd noise? Homicide, Apollo, and Konan kick Road Dog's fat country ass.
-So yeah... TNA is making Jesse Dog and Billy Gun the faces here... because, you know, Billy Gunn is just SO FUCKING BELOVED!!
-Ya know... I'll match up this company's creative incompetence with the WWE's any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
-Chris Sabin says that he admires Sting for the way he managed to make millions from WCW for 18 months of doing nothing but standing on the rafters. It's every wrestler's dream gig.
-After Jackie Gaydar is given ten seconds to bitch at Larry Zbyszko and advance her Jarrett/Kim Love Triangle storyline, three wrestlers who are probably main event players in ROH but I can't be bothered to tell them apart groan about how TNA sucks and they can't get noticed. Zbyszko told them to get out there and EARN their spots... like he did...
-Heh... ha ha ha.... the following is a pretty good look at Larry Zbyszko's career up until today:
-1970-something: owned the WWWF tag team titles with Tony Garea for a spell before being beaten by.... I dunno, maybe the Valient brothers.
-1970-something: Was pushed as a pupil/friend of Bruno Sammartino
-1970-something: Turned heel on Bruno. Kicked him a round a little.
-1980: Worked the biggest match of his career against Bruno in a cage at Shea stadium. Lost and was thrown out of the WWWF
-was missing for the better part of the 80's
-Late 80's: Showed up on NWA TV and won the Western States Heritage championship. A title that everyone ignored and lasted about 6 months.
-Late 80's: Suckered Verne Gagne into an AWA title run. More or less kept the title until the company folded.
-Early 90's: Showed up on WCW during its horrible period and half-assed it with Arn Anderson
-Late 90's: His ex wife took most of his fortune so he came back as a WCW announcer. Stayed sober about half the time and stayed bitter about his ex wife for most of the time.
-Early 00's: Showed up on early TNA shows and bitched about Chris Jericho calling himself the "Living Legend"
-Early 00's: sporadic appearences on TNA and at overseas tours.
-Today: Shills Morphoplex even though his body resembles and feels like wet cookie dough.
-Larry Zbyszko: Living proof that you CAN stick around this business so long as you can cut a promo... and thinks Chris Benoit is a dumbass!
-Ron Killings pinned Bobby Roode in about ten seconds... then Scotty D'Amore screamed, "You didn't smile!! How could Bobby see you? Get back in here, show some teeth and THEN we'll see!!" So he came back and pinned Roode again. AGAIN Scotty D'Amore screamed, "No fair!! Your jeri-curl got into Bobby's eyes! He was blinded! Get back in here!!" Killings ran in AGAIN and this time was pinned. I'm still wondering when exactly did The Truth go from a super-intense, angry scary black dude to a fun-loving, Booga-Loo bustin', Unca Tom? I didn't watch TNA for a few years... I missed the sell-ou transition.
-AJ Styles says his favorite Sting moment was when he forced TNA to hire Lex Luger for one night just so Luger could no-sell Styles pinning him. His nose grew so fast it stabbed the camera guy in the eye.
-commercials. Hey kids, grab your dad's credit card and play online Texas Hold 'Em!
-Shane Douglas tried to get a word with Samoa Joe, was ignored, and said, "Oh blow me, Indy boy!" Joe grabbed his arm and very calmly cut a heel promo on Chris Daniels... and was cheered for it. Lame promo... big ass nose... new gay blondish streak in his hair. Where's the fire? Where's the anger? Where's the intensity? He sells his character like he sells his opponents.
-Then Douglas asked Joe to comment on Sting... Joe glanced at him with amusement and walked away. DISSED!!! SAMOA JOE IS MY NEW HERO!!! WRESTLER OF THE CENTURY!!! RIGHT THERE!!! HA!
-Shane Douglas should'a been thrown out of the business 10 years ago
-Out comes 6 big X Division guys... I recognize two of them.
-they have THE MATCH OF THE DECADE... according to Internet Marks who think that taking 20 moves... any one of which SHOULD literally kill a man in real life... and getting up after 30 seconds of selling to do 20 life ending moves of their own is what wrestling is all about. No... it's not about being high flyuing supermen... it's about pretending like hell that this is a REAL fight with REAL repurcussions.
-anyway... it was a bunch of show-offs showing off... no more, no less. And the "bad guys" won... but there was no reason why they were bad guys. The only clear cut "Face" here was AJ Styles because he's openly pushed as such.
-The show ends with Jarrett, AMW, and Monty Brown goofing on Sting for ten minutes... Monty Brown showed up in white face! It was just a matter of time.
-The funny part was the crowd started chanting "BORING" at Jarrett within 2 seconds after he started talking.
-Somewhere in there, Jarrett tried to convince us that there are still "Stinger Marks" out there... you DO realize that any "Stinger Mark" still around is about 40 years old and probably gave up on wrestling after Flair spent his 18 months in the WWF in 1992-93. And they ain't watching.
-Christian Cage and the Dudleys and.... Rhino came out. Abyss showed up too. Tenay screamed, "WE'RE BETTER THAN VELOCITY!!" and the show ends.
Ugh... this Mop-Up sucked. I'd apologize but.... you know.... my ego won't allow it... and HOW much are you paying for this again?
Anywhoo.... I'll make it up to ya right now...
And now, Triple H is officially the smartest wrestler who ever lived. He and he alone is the one outsider assured a lifetime foothold into the McMahon Empire.
See, before he got his seed in Stephanie, he didn't have a TRULY SECURE lock on the empire. He could have screwed up. He could have gotten a divorce and been blackballed out of wrestling. Could'a happened... still could...
But NOW... his SON is the heir to the thrown. In 25 years, Stephanie's kid is going to be running things. So we are guarenteed at least 50 more years of Mraks bitching about the company's direction. All Hunter has to do is be a good papa and he'll ALWAYS be involved. He'll ALWAYS be there! He'll ALWAYS have his fingers in the pie.
That guy has a billion dollar penis. He can pretty much do anything now for the rest of his life and still be all set. NOW he can start openly fucking the Divas.
Anyway... now we can all rest easy. Stephanie won't be showing up on TV for at least the next 2 years. She gets enough fat jokes launched her way as it is... there is no way she's going to allow us to see her expanding ass. and those tits were already drooping... now they're gonna have milk in them. She's gone. No more Steph on TV. Thanks Hunter!
But just for fun, let's fast forward nine months (or six months... or three... or however long she's been knocked up) to the delivery room! If you were a fly on the wall.... (and sure, there are ALWAYS flies buzzing in those sanitized operating rooms)... what would you hear? What COULD you hear? What would be spoken as the kid who will lead the WWE into the second half of this century is born?
-"Come on Steph! Push! 1...2...3... IT'S OVER, IT'S OU... no, wait a minute."
-"Wait a second! Why is this kid black?"
-"Linda, get the camera! I'm gonna give my kid his first GHB injection!"
-"Hey Doc, while your in there could you find my wristwatch?"
-"Aww, Cousin Declan is trying to strangle the kid with the umbilical cord! How sweet!"
-"Take care of Steph, Doc! Me and Vince are going to take the kid to the gym. Look at those fat legs!"
-"Someone shut that brat UP! I hate crybabies!"
-"Hey Doc, since you're down there... and way you could... umm... tighten that vag up a bit?"
-"Finally, a child I don't have to pretend isn't mine!"
-"You just made Daddy a billionaire! Yes you did! What a good little boy!"
-"Funny, the kid has his Grandpa's eyes... and his Grandpa's nose... and his Grandpa's jaw... and his Grandpa's mouth!"
-"Uh, Vince. Satan is outside. He's here to collect."
-"OWWW... thank God I'm in the hospital, I just tore my quad again!"
-"Hey Doc, here's $50. Point me to the medicine cabinet and look the other way for 3 minutes."
-"Daddy, quit staring at my vagina."
-"What the hell is Meltzer doing here?"
Among other things....
Well now.... I started out weak and ended weaker! Lame!
Oh EAT ME.... I still kicked ass. Jesus H...
I said EAT ME... gah, I need it. Been a'while. Gonna be a'while longer too. Pacts were made over the last two weeks. I'm going to hold up my end.
One day I'll stop being cryptic... and trust me, THAT'S going to be a column that will knock your fucking socks off.
We'll try this again next week.
This is Hyatte