The Midnight News
I know you skip weeks, no problem, nothing new. Does that affect the numbering (50-49-48-etc)?
Hiya Cool Hy. Rosie the Latin chick in Miami. You'd think I'd be going to the Rumble. Not on my finances. But if you've heard from any of readers with stories of extra tickets, and they not minding to bring me, that'd be cool. I like meeting new people tht won't chop me to bits and throw me in a trunk. haha I'm watching Smackdown and I swear, I still ponder how I've been a wrestling fan as long as I have. Its this damn strong sense of loyalty. Fuck you, Vince. Boogeyman and Jilian. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
And I don't like the weeks you don't have a column. Makes me sad :( If your on Pornbits say hi to me in the Camportal :-)
Thank you, darlin'. If anyone has tickets to last night's show, please hook a mamacita up.
I have absolutely NO clue what "pornbits" or "Camportal" is.
I keep telling you guys, Ladies Love the Cool HY!... SEE!!
One day I was scrounging through the 411mania boards, and stumbled upon the Writers Island, where somebody asked what happened to you. I don't know if
you've seen it, but the semi-new guy Csonka, music writer Tollah, Evocator and one of the self-important posters who prides himself on having 411 street cred were making fun of you and talking about you getting duped by the Trish Stratus imposter and how pathetic it is to write at the DOI. I found it funny that a bunch of message board dorks were trying to call you a nerd. My question is, why has everyone turned against you, and why are the current 411 writers making fun of you? Does anyone even go there anymore? Asstards.
Okay, first stop saying "asstard" or "fucktard"... neither are very clever putdowns.
Second, how can anyone say I'm being duped by a Stratus Imposter when I SAY RIGHT HERE IN THE COLUMN THAT SHE IS A STRATUS IMPOSTER???? JESUS, SOME OF YOU PEOPLE ARE THICK!!
Anyway... the deal with 411 is I built the site. I played a massive part in making it what it is today. Widro and Ashish would disagree because they were the ones designing the site and doing layouts and all that, but you can have the prettiest website in all the land and it doesn't matter if NO ONE GOES THERE!!
I brought people there. I told them to hire Scott Keith and HE brought people there. To date, neither Widro nor Ashish have ever thanked me for my part in making their web sites become strong... so both of them can suck my dick.
And now that I left, because I have the nerve to take the amount of credit I feel I deserve, and not be humble about it, the leftover writers there get extra-huffy about me. Some kids can't tell feigned arrogance from the real thing.
What happened at 411 last week was someone innocently asked what ever happened to me, and a whoile bunch of people, many of whom I nevert even heard of before, just tried their very best to rip into me. So I showed up and went extra-condenscending on them, and urged them to keep the posting going until the thread reached 100, then I promised to come back and make responses.
And the goofy kids did it! They danced for me!
Then someone over there got smart and locked the thread after 99, which I enjoy. It was funny. I don't mind because A: The amount of virile tossed at me amounted to A: Lots of guys taking wild guesses over what my real life is like based on this very column and B: I USED to be funnier but now I'm sad.... which doesn't explain why I'm still quite popular even though I haven't done a Raw/Nitro Mop-Up in 5 years. It's shit I've been hearing for years now. Nothing new, no fresh insights as toi why I suck. Just standard shit from a pack of 411 writers who can't handle the fact that I'm me and they ain't.
Oh, and C: I get dumped by girls online and I am a janitor in "real life". Neither of which is true or has ever been true, but these kids say it with such CONVICTION! One guy named Mike Melchor gave a LOOOOOOOOONG essay on why the life I lead isn't one to be followed because I don't have a wife and kids like he does. Well, dude... if I'm gonna get married it won't be to some fat ugly slutbag like you hooked up with. (Widro showed me the pics, we had a good laugh)
So, if you got time to kill check out a ten page, 99 post thread which explains in great detail why I don't matter anymore. It's a hoot.
Oh, and this Larry Csonka says he's an Indy wrestler, but I haven't found anyone here on this site who's ever heard of him. If YOU know Csonka's wrestling background, let me or Sean know. He knows so much about me, it only seems fair that I learn a thing or two about him now.
Hello nitwits, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. I have set some personal goals here soooooo, it'll be a while before I take another week off... like, maybe, a week after Wrestlemania.
Off we go
THERE'S A RUMBLE IN MY PANTS AND YOU'RE INVITED
Last night was the big Royal Rumble show! I watched it too! Am I not a big time wrestling opinion-maker? I must... no, I NEED, to order this show!
Now naturally, you'll find half a million recaps floating around, and all of them pay more mind to details than I ever will... so how about as the show progresses I bomb ya with notes, observations, and other stuff that I see and no one else does because I'm good like that.
-Love, Love LOVE the opening production package.... the Edge/Cena part especially is what makes these stars look like stars.
-Hey, it's the Curtian Jerking battle of the ROH main eventers!! Heh.. heh heh heh ho ho ho. In 6 months, CM Punk will be right there! Little Diva-fucking midget!
-Paul London is murdering himself for what amounts to $40K a year.... and he looks like Johnny Damon's brother.
-Kid Kash is Owen Hart. About TIME they finally pay-off that "dead" angle.
-THAT'S a Shining Wizard? I thought it was some suicidal acrobatic move that will almost KILL the asshole. IT'S JUST A KICK TO THE HEAD?!?!?!?
-Vince calls Teddy Long a well-dressed black person, then sent him hoime for the night and fondled the Raw girls not involved with Stratus.
-"Well if it isn't Mr Destiny"... I love HHH, only he can say that line and have it over-interpreted by half the web..
-Mickey loves Trish. Get in fucking line, sister.
-I'll tell ya about this chick match. It was doing fine, telling its story, and telling its story better than any Woman match in history.... yes, even the Jap chick matches! And Ashley was even doing fine... the PROBLEM is that Ashley AND Mickie, but mostly Ashley ran out of gas. That's why these matches shouldn't go longer than a few minutes... the girls don't EAT... they have no FUEL... they can't be expected to work a longish match without gassing out when they HAVE NO ENERGY STORED IN THOSE BODIES!!
-Okay, Mickie has some stored energy... right in her ass and tummy... so she went longer than Ashley. But still.
-Eddie pulled a prank on Rey Rey FROM HEAVEN! and Forced God to give Rey a early number. In case you were wondering, Chavo Guerrerro dedicated HIS Royal Rumble appearence to the memory of his initial "I'll wrestle for EDDIE!" push that is now officially a bigger pile of bullshit than Matt Hardy's re-hired career.
-The Boogeyman is the new Kamala. You're watching the beginnings of a career that will wind up making tens of thousands of dollars on the Indy circuit. The brother, no matter what happens, has a gimmick for LIFE.
-He's also fun to watch. JBL getting squashed isn't. Who did that guy piss off?
-In one segment, Vince was hit on by Sheldon Benjamin's mother, Melina, all three of his "Devils" (and Victoria is now officially doing whatever it takes to keep her job now, she knows there isn't another long term program with Stratus on the horizon. Her only chance if lasting through 2006 is if Stratus suddenly quits for no reason), and sees that Torrie mutilated her dog's pussy by having "Vince" tattooed on it. Vince is a dickhead, but by gawd he's a dickhead who knows how to have FUN!
-What I like about those cheerleaders is that one of them is Johnny Jeter who Heyman invested serious time in making a cowardly heel main event champion on OVW. IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! THE GREATEST WRESTLERS IN OVW HISTORY USUALLY END UP AS RETARDS, CHEERLEADERS, OR VELOCITY CRUISERWEIGHTS!!!!
-Heh... CM Punk will end up being Orlando Jordan's male boyfriend... AND HE'LL BE THE WOMAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP TOO!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
-They missed the opportunity of having Styles and Tazz bicker on play by play for this.
-Triple H and Rey Rey open the Rumble. Both ring entrances take forever. It'll be good to see Triple H in there for a while. He knows how to work long-form.
-Simon Dean is in and out. Same as last year when he did calistenics before entering and Jim Ross bitched, "Oh, he couldn't do that BEFORE coming out??"
-Flair was in and out... he needs the money so don't bitch too much over this cameo. It's a payday.
-Lashley gets the Hogan/Nash/Kane/Kane role tonight as he comes in, cleans house, looks good, makes a statement, then takes a header. Only Hogan tended to win these things and NEVER showed up before #25
-Triple H eliminates both Kane AND the Show at the same time. That was a rare display of his ego in front of you as opposed to just listening to Meltzer's backstage stories.
-Booker was in and out. People, you just don't FUCK with the groin injury... ESPECIALLY if you're a black dude.
-HHH and Rey rested up for the third act so RVD, Carlito, Tatanka (who has Indian Casino money, so he CAN tell Vince to go fuck himself whenever he damn well wants) and MNM all did the work.
-Chavo's entrance and exit was all sorts of uncomfortable AND awkward.... can't wait for THAT shoot interview.
-HHH was almost thrown over the top rope so many times... eventually, the odds would HAVE to come into play and he would have to slip and actually fall off.
-Matt Hardy. Ain't he the dumbest motherfucker alive now?
-This Carlito is always finding new ways to stay in this match. The little bugger is creative, that's for sure
-I can't decide if Randy Orton is shrinking because of those Roid tests or if he just doesn't do the pre-entrance push-up/sit-up/chin-up routine that these boys do to get the muscles bulging.
-Trips was eliminated by Rey. He put on a good show.
-Randy Orton and Rey was the same exact sequence that the Big Show and Benoit did two years ago... and Rey ended up winning.
-I don't care WHAT these Net assholes say... there is no such thing as a BAD Royal Rumble... it's like sex... sometimes it's a fucking RIDE and sometimes it's just "Let's get this over with"... but it's ALWAYS better than nothing.
-Hacksaw Jim Duggan... why not.
-Cena isn't getting any better, and they are STILL more concerned with marketing his push as the new Hogan/Austin/Rock than they are with getting him more polished. Edge dominated so no one can boo him, then when he won they filmed the crowd in slow motion to simulate a frenzy. That ain't good.
-It's also... I don't know.... Cena's a weird cat. He's a huge hit at the house shows but... on TV with the money performances, it just isn't there.
-I doubt we've seen the last of Edge in the main event picture... but Hunter/Cena is the logical way to go for the big dance.
-Angle and Henry had a quickie... where Angle acted more like a Heel then Henry. And they simply re-shot the ending of the last Survivor Series with the Undertaker coming out.
-The Undertaker looked like a tool with his arms up like that, but the ring collapsing was cool.
-Tazz screamed, "HOLY SHIT"!! He didn't see that coming, obviously.
-the crowd was out of gas after the Rumble. Poor placement of matches, and JBL/Boogey Man should've been saved for No Way Out. They had to rush the last two matches.
-I'm gonna sayyyy.... Angle/Rey, HHH/Cena, HBK/McMahon, and why not Orton/Hulk Hogan?
And Trish/Mickie in a Ladder Match!
I'm never right about these things, by the way.
ORTON FAMILY VALUES
Well... okay.... two weeks ago I got into the rumors. Here, for first timers and to catch-up... a synopsis...
Also JuventudwasfiredbecausehewasbumfuckingBobOrtonamongotherthings. Which is TOTAL bullshit...
Okay, Wade Keller laid off the bath houses long enough to fill in us rubes. Here is the story, as reported by a real, authentic DIRT SHEET, so it has to be legit...
Rumor has it... that "Cowboy" Bob Orton Jr has Hepatitus. A pretty nasty, permenant disease that lives in his blood. In varying degrees, it could be fatal. It's also easily transmitted through mixing of body fluids. It just wipes out your liver.
Rumor has it... that Orton has had this for a while.
Truth... Yup. He had it when he was a kid... but has kept it under such a tight control that it barely shows on his blood tests. It's there, because it never goes away, but it's contained. The Undertaker wasn't at much risk
Rumor has it... Orton only told John Laurenitius. Laurenitus didn't bother to tell anyone else other than, (and this isn't for sure, just possible/probable) the McMahons and.or anyone higher on the management chain
Rumor has it... FACT... Orton bled like a stuck pig during his son's Armageddon "Hell in the Cell" match against the Undertaker. Orton bled all over the Undertaker. FACT Undertaker was bleeding too FACT Laurenitius saw this and said, "Uh oh".
Rumor has it... Laurentitius waited until it was too late, and until he had a load of muscle behind him, to break the news to the Undertaker
Rumor has it... The Undertaker was infuriated.
Truth... Yup. But once it was all explained, he calmed down. Plus you don't throw a fit during the peak PPV season, you just don't.
Rumor has it... FACT Neither Cowboy Bob or the Undertaker has been seen since
Truth... Undertaker's back. Orton may never be back for a variety of reasons.
And there you have it. All clear now? Not quite the big deal it could've been....
Oh except for something else.
Now this was told to me by someone who... well, he/she has a better chance at telling the truth then anyone else I know.
Rumor has it... that Orton contracted the Hepatitus from Juventud Guerrera
Rumor has it... that Orton and Juvi were traveling buddies on the road.
Truth... Welll..... ummm
Rumor has it... that Orton has a fondness for young Hispanic boys (well shit, who don't)
Truth... Well... umm... doesn't have to be JUST young Hispanic boys...
Rumor has it... that Juvi was fired because of all this.
Truth... He was fired for a LOT of reasons, most of which pertain to him being a nutcase and an asshole...
So what am I getting at?
Well.... ummm.... all those rumors about what Juvi was up to on the road and with whom?
Rumor has it... Wasn't Cowboy Bob, but it IS an Orton.
Yeah, THAT Orton.
I fucking LOVE this business.
SCHERER AND SCHERER ALIKE
Long-time reader, first-time writer, and a huge fan of yours.
Enough with the ass kissing though, let's get down to business. Like you, I hate Dave Scherer and PWInsider with a passion. I mean, really really hate him. His lame-ass jokes aren't funny, and I've gotten better sarcasm from my four year old son. And his ridiculous talk about his workout sessions are a laugh and a half. With all those chins?? Would it be possible for you in the near future, to dedicate an entire column to ripping this shitstain to pieces?
I got this months ago, and set it aside. I knew the time was coming...
Dave Scherer, as you know, is the white trash "Joisey" member of the "Big 3" rasslin' news reporters. He's also the biggest asshole of the bunch... that just isn't my opinion.... it's a universally agreed upon fact.
Well, Dave and his PW Insider crew have decided to create a new website to take on ALL THE RASSLIN' news that the main site can't keep up with. There's just SO MUCH wrestling news that one site just cannot take it all! This new site is called PWinsiderXtra...
And it took Dave about three days before loading it with enough pop-ups and Spyware worms to rival the main free site.
Oh but don't worry, for and extra $6 a month, or $50 a year OR $85 for two years, you get into the second site without any ads and pop-ups that could bury your computer and essentially kill your hard drive.
Yeah, Dave Scherer is going to try to gouge his fanbase twice.
So what does PWInsiderXtra get you? TONS of columns from guys you've never heard of and probably can live without. Book reviews, DVD reviews, MORE questions answered, Indy news (which means that suddenly Dave became aware of the growing audience of THIS site... which experienced a bit of a surge around the same time I showed up), READER REACTION, the Daily Lariat (which remains the laziest piece of shit "column" in existence as all Dave does is cut and paste the previously posted newsbits into one package without anything added... which means double hits for no effort.
But the BEST thing about this new site... the very BEST thing that it offers that he hopes will attract 100% of the main site audience?
Dave Scherer has started blogging. Blogging his everyday thoughts and musings and experiences. It's his way to UNWIND from constricting wrestle-talk and focus on LIFE... how he sees it... how he loathes it... and the absurdities that he must suffer through...
It also lets him fully engage us with his sense of humor! Dave Scherer is going to become the Jerry Seinfeld of the IWC!
This has asshole written all over it.
You know that show The Office? Not the American version, but the original British version? You want to know who Dave Scherer is? He's Ricky Gervais's character. He cracks himself and only himself up.
Buck Woodward is blogging too, and Buck gave us his "take" on why 80's music gets no love anymore. In seven paragraphs he offers reasons why no one cares about Journey anymore and WHERE THE HELL IS VAN HALEN!! WE NEED EDDIE!!
But Dave... Dave takes the cake.
Y'see, if you're going to "blog", you have to be willing to talk about personal shit. The point of blogging is to yack about your life and let people get to know you. If Scherer wants to blog, he should talk about why his wife left him, why his daughter hates him, why he sleeps in the guest bedroom, stuff like that. No, no, no... Dave would NEVER open up like that... there's no comedy in that... and who would care? (other than EVERYONE)... no, Dave has read plenty of "Ed Anger" from the "Weekly World News" and knows his path.... he wants to RANT! He wants to RIFF!
And he wants to constantly remind us that he is a gym rat. A muscle machine. A STUD who can hang with Triple H.
This is Dave's first blog entry...
NO COMPETENT PEOPLE ALLOWED
(Hyatte: or, "Why am I surrounded by STUPID HEADS")
Welcome to the first edition of my blog here on PWInsiderXtra.com. (Hyatte: "You better pay up or my pop-ups will FUCK you") I wanted to put a lot more thought into this, but given the freakishly busy week I have had, it's just not possible (Hyatte: "I can't believe an important memeber of New Media like myself still has to deliver Diet Coke to the Dotheads at all those 7-11's") so I will toss out some random ramblings which, come to think about it, is probably exactly what this column will actually be on most weeks. (Hyatte: "I will put no effort into this")
Is anyone else as sick of automated answering systems as I am? (Hyatte: "What's the deal on these automated answering machines? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??) How many freakin' buttons do they expect you to push to speak to a human anyway? (Hyatte: Isn't that like asking how many "freakin'" pop-ups do we have to click away before we can read Woodward's "WWE Elevator" gimmick? Fucking hypocrite) Press 1 for this, press 2 for that" (Hyatte: And with Dave's thick, sweaty, sausage fingers... good lord, the horror). I am looking for a "Press 5 to blow this damn company up because we are a bunch of morons who have no idea what we are doing." (Hyatte: Dave's as mad as hell and he can't TAKE IT ANYMORE! WHO'S WITH HIM!!) I really think they make it so hard because they don't want to talk to you and hope you will give up. Well, they don't know me very well. (Hyatte: "I'm Vince McMahon's worst nightmare, these dag gum BASTARDS don't stand a chance!)
There's a reason for this rant (Hyatte: "Got to pad up this useless site and soak my loyal readers for a few extra bucks!"). I bought a treadmill for my house last week because as some of you may know, I am something of a workout freak. (Hyatte: "I'm one of the boys!") I paid to have it delivered because, well, it's freakin' heavy and I don't have a truck! (Hyatte: He once bragged about benching 405) The thing gets here on Monday and it doesn't work. Something in the console was messed up because none of the buttons on it did a thing. (Hyatte: "I'm just an average Joe like you. I don't have any of them hoity toity deeplomas so I just know it's messed up and the buttons don't work") So, I called the store I got it from and they said that while they sold it to me, they don't service it. That would fall under another company, Nordictrack (Hyatte: Dave thinks "warranties" are for know nothing suckers and rubes. Buy the Pop-Up free version of this new site!) . So, I call them and the dope on the other end of the phone has no idea what the problem is but says I need a new wire harness, or some such nonsense. (Hyatte: "Don'cha hate it when they try to impress you with them big words, AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE? SOMEONE'S GOTTA GET THESE BUMS OUTTA OFFICE!!!") He's a college student (Hyatte: "A brainiac who thinks he can outwit ME!") and just says what they have written on a page, so I already knew this wasn't good.
He says he will mail it overnight. (Hyatte: The rant on Fed Ex will be coming in few weeks) Then, when the part arrives, a repair company in my area that does the work will come out and fix it after I call them. This is Monday night. (Hyatte: Dave was so enraged by this he could barely think up any witty rhetorical and unanswerable questions from Raw!) By today, no wire harness has come. I call the local company and they say they will call Nordictrack and see where the part is. The tool from Monday sent it regular mail, not overnight (Hyatte: "Don't get me started on the US Postal Service! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?). Yeah, why would you incur the extra expense of overnight mail to actually, I don't know, STAND BEHIND YOUR DAMN FAULTY PRODUCT. (Hyatte: Daver will lead the revolution)
It doesn't matter anyway, I find out, because the repair company can't get here until Mid-February to fix it, at the earliest. They are three miles up the road by the way. And when they get here, they may not even be able to fix the thing if it's not this part that is bad. God knows what happens then. (Hyatte: He's clearly full of shit now. He's in rant mode. I don't believe a word of this.)
So, pissed, I call the company I bought it from and after going through the prompts, I finally get a human being. I say, "This is ridiculous. I don't want to wait a month for this thing to work." Of course, the girl who answered was just a worker (Hyatte: Damn bitches don't know from nothing) and said she would have the assistant manager call me back. (Hyatte: "I am Dave Scherer! I demand the PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY") She does, about a half hour later. She tells me they will gladly replace it.....if I bring it back to the store. I mention that it weighs over 100 pounds and I paid to have it delivered for a reason. (Hyatte: Once bragged about benching 405) She says, "We only deliver, we don't pick up." I said, "So, you are telling me I have a thousand dollar coat rack?" She again says they deliver, there is nothing in the system to do a pick up. If I only had a gun, I would have Tim Whited her ass. (Hyatte: Wrestling reference just in case the readers get confused.)
I said, "Can you at least get a tech out to fix it?" She said, "We don't have any control over Nordictrack. It's up to them." I said, "I paid you. You sell their product. I bought it from you because you are a national company and I thought that meant something." She agreed that the policy was imbecilic, apologized and gave me the phone number to the national headquarters because they "make the magic happen." She thought it was my best bet to get someone with some common sense. Well, sanity took a vacation in this case, along with intelligence I might add, because the woman on the other end of the phone was about as useless as a set of breasts on a male wrestler (well, other than Goldust anyway). (Hyatte: Dave's wife... that poor, poor, poor miserable woman.)
At the end of all of this, I remember why I liked wrestling in the first place. When someone got jumped or had a chair bashed over their head, I could just imagine it was these toolboxes getting theirs. (Hyatte: Dave Scherer is a cocksucker)
At that point, I had enough. Let's just say the anger started coming out (Hyatte: You wouldn't like Dave when he's angry.) and after I mentioned calling my lawyer and the Better Business Bureau, suddenly she asked me to hold and she came back five minutes later with another lady who must have been the most intelligent person in the company because, GASP, she actually got a grasp on the stupidity of her company's policy and managed to get a new treadmill delivered to me tomorrow. (Hyatte: He cried like a fucking baby until he got his way.) And, you will never believe this, they will also PICK THE FIRST NON-WORKING PIECE OF JUNK UP at the same time.
The moral of this story is that no matter how much it frustrates you, you have to be diligent and stay in the fight until you get what's right. I just don't get why it's so hard to get what you pay for, but that is another rant for another day.
And now, after wasting an hour I didn't have to waste, I am off to the gym because, well, I don't have a damn treadmill in my house that works! (Hyatte: Gym reference to close because it's the most important goal here, to get his ass over as a gym rat... and one of the boys)
And that's it.
You're not going to make PWInsiderXtra a regular stop because the pop-ups will kill you. You're not going to pay for it because there is NOTHING you'de want there. I promise.
But I know Scherer, been watching his act for years. He's going to PRETEND that he's running the hottest, most popular site around. He's going to put himself over as the most hated man in the WWE front office... but not just the assortment of VP's and Executive Directors and such... no, he is going to put himself over as Vince McMahon's most HATED enemy, his most VOCAL foe, his most INFLUENTIAL detractor.
And in 6 months, Dave will post a giant Thank You message for the THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of PW Insider subscribers who bought the Xtra site.
And it'll be a lie. He's a liar. He's a fraud, a liar, and a mark for himself.
People say all I do is work a gimmick. Yeah, maybe... but at least I have the decency to let you in on it. And I do it for free.
Dave Scherer has now become just like all the promoters he likes to rant about.
It's time he drops dead.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
He hasn't decided who will be in the Wrestlemania main event this year, but it sure won't be an asshole like YOU!
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*It costs 3 cents to produce a $1 bill*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
A genius. A fucking genius. He was all you needed. Right there. Back when he showed up on Saturday Night Live, the very first "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood", and he said "Children, Mr Robinson's old lady moved out on him again." Gold! Man could do no wrong from then on. Then.... I don't know what happened. He reached his pinnacle and stopped being funny. Richard Pryor lit himself on fire and Eddie Murphy burnt himself out. Fucking shame. He got lazy. I don't understand how a guy can go from funny to not being funny. Then I remember who I'm talkin to. HA!!! HEE HEE HEE HAWR!
Flea: Who will give his review of Brokeback Mountain to everyone but me.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
-Video asks the burning question... "Where is Sting???" Probably sitting in his Accountant's Office with a big cigar and a glass of wine and counting all this practically free money he's making this year... there may be cackling involved too.
-The crowd in Orlando is STARK RAVING MAD FOR THEIR TNA RASSLIN'!! This is only because Jermey Borash begged them to mark out two seconds before the cameras roll. If I know Borash, he promised a blowjob to the redneck who yelled the loudest. The winner was a black guy. The winner is always a black guy. Borash likes his dark meat. I hope Borash gets Aids in one testicle and cancer in the other. His dick can fall off too.
-Sign reads, "I flew 6000 miles for TNA". The producers were so flattered they flashed to it twice. The sad part is, the dude lives in Tallahasee and boarded the wrong flight and ended up in Seattle. Moron.
-Mike Tenay shouted that after 5 years of SILENCE, Sting will FINALLY speak!! A few guesses as to what his first words will be:
-"Where's my check?"
-"Someone explain this Feinstein thing to me."
-"Flair did WHAT?"
-"Why is Jarrett holding a fucking title belt?"
-"I was promised rats, let's get crackin'."
-"Who's the fatso with the negro nose? Oh, so that's Joe."
-And so on...
-Out comes Jeff Jarrett for a MATCH.... because TNA DELIVERS STARS!! YOU WANT STARS??? TNA'S GOT THEM IN SPADES!!
-Gail Kim comes out in a tight leather outfit and pigtails. This is so they can reach the coveted "urban" audience. Those "urbans", they do LOVE the Oriental ladies!
-Jay Lethal will have the honor of making Jarrett look good. Jay Lethal is a young black kid with corn rows. The match has to be quick before the Orlando audience begins organizing a lynching.
-Jackie Gaydar comes out with a tape recorder for Kim to listen to. They do a lot of... um... finger snapping and arm waving... TNA calls this "contemporary gimmicks for a contemporary audience". (trans: urbans love oriental chicks and finger snapping chick fights)
-Oh thank GOD, Jarrett wins!
-The Morphoplex Move of the Night is the Jarrett win... which begs the question, how can Morphoplex know that this is the move of the night when it's the first match?
-Christian Cage steps out and tells Jarrett that he's DONE with the comedy for now (crowd went, "awwwww". Fuckin' morons) and that HE'LL be challenging Jarrett for the title at the next TNA PPV with a silly name and he will "seal my destiny!" Yeah, but up until a few months ago he thought his destiny was to get upgraded to Business class.
-Jarrett nodded his head and eagerly agreed. Jeff Jarrett is the FIGHTING CHAMP!! JUST like that hack Triple H!
-commercials. A Doctor says that Morphoplex is the bomb, yo. I'd have more faith in his opinion if he didn't have such yellow, crooked teeth.
-Out comes Team 3D. Brother Devon has finally decided to lose the tank top and show off his freshly roided bad self. Brother Ray has finally decided to lose his blue jeans and now goes sweatpants all day, every day. God Bless elastic waists... so forgiving.... so understanding... so tolerant
-Team 3D make quick wqork of a couple of jobbers with dumb names that I'm thinking Bob Ryder dreamed up. Buh Buh gets on the mic and wheezes on about how the TNA fans were stupid enough to vote them tag team of the year after being there only THREE MONTHS. So they get to choose who they fight at the PPV. The yokels chant "MNM... MNM.". Tenay muttered, "You cocksuckers."
-The irony of this scene is that Buh Buh Ray, who did most of the work and who's ass is the size of yours, was bone dry while D-Von, who did very little tonight and is all sorts of jacked up, was sweating like a stuck pig.
-AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels all explain why each other sucks. Samoa Joe says "You step in the ring with me, you get hurt".... unless you're in a ROH ring then you get to work a 2 hour match with him and he sells for you, even if you're 98 pounds and need elevator boots. THIS IS AN INCONSISTENCY, PEOPLE!!!!!!
-Backstage, Shane Douglas catches up with Jerry Lynn, who now looks like the Drama Club Professor at any local community college who is lecturing a few X-Division kids on why he's been nothing but screwed for the last 20 years. Alex Bentley shows up.... blah blah blah... Douglas works his eyebrows... then one of the X-Dividers tells Douglas "You have a great face for radio." Douglas TAKES IT LIKE THE PUNK BITCH HE ALWAYS WAS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA
-Instead of watching the "Rolling Stones", why not drop a few bucks and watch the "Lingerie Bowl" on PPV during the Superbowl Halftime! It's got Jenny McCarthy! Which amuses me greatly because I remember back when Jenny actually thought she was an actress. Next thing you know, she'll be writing wrestling columns about how Billy Firehawk is a mark for himself.
-Chris Daniels has his own FOUR HOUR DVD coming out. Go and watch how his Father met his mother while she was eating leaves from the treetops of the San Diego Zoo and it was love at first sight.
-Mike Tenay is in a tuxedo, and his eye is twitching about a mile a minute. He's also sweaty. Don West is wearing verticle stripes to make himself look more svelte.
The sad part is, there is not one single word in that sentence which isn't completely true. I am not making anything up.
-Tenay swears that Sting hasn't spoken in 5 years! Ya know... he wasn't exactly... umm.... missed.
-Matt Bentley comes out with Tracy, who has yet to make any sort of impression on me (and for the chick, that's BAD... because I'm always looking for some new hottie to jerk off to... and I ain't choosy) Bentley straddles the guard rail and shakes fans hands... TOTAL Indy move. Hey asshole, save those moves for the High School gym cards in Newark.
-Samoa Joe comes out. The crowd chants, "Joe's gonna kill you." This is a cult audience ONLY because it's the same bunch of rednecks every week...
-This was quick. Dave Hebner was seen lurking about... as was Jerry Lynn.
-Abyss.... Rhino... who gives a fuck. Rhino screamed, "WHO'S THE MAN??" The fans chanted back, "USA!" This is why I don't talk about wrestling outside my apartment. In a nutshell.
-They went through a wall that was about as thick as fiberglass. Both men acted like they just fell off a building. It's funny watching the paramedics check on Abyss while not removing his mask so the flabby prick can breathe.
-Sting came out, gave a long speech, retired, and walked away. AJ Styles and other came out to say goodbye. Christian came out and held his arms out. He said, "I wish I could quit you!" Sting hugged him and said "I love you...," then quickly added, "likeabrother!" Because everyone knows God don't take queers.
Somewhere in there, I lost all my steam. So let's make it up right now.
IT'S A MADDEN, MADDEN, MADDEN, MADDEN WORLD
In a rare instance when a news story breaks while I'm still typing away and making with the funny... it appears that local Pittsburgh sports writer, ESPN sportscaster, Mark Madden suffered a heart attack while at a Youth Hockey Game in Reading PA. He's alive, but old and fat.
The fuynny part is this was reported by Pittsburgh station WTAE... but Meltzer and someone on the DOI message board called it WATE... Weight... BWAHAHAHAAA
Anywhoo... Mark Madden doesn't care for me, and has threatened to sue me and this site because I.... well...
I sometimes tell off-colored jokes about his Mother. He's very sensitive about that.
Anyway, Mark is in ICU and is said to be breathing on his own. He is in "stable" condition. He once promised to put ME in ICU if he ever met me... but I wasn't offended because A: I don't plan on ever being in Pittsburgh, B: I'm sure I can outrun him.
I feel for the guy, I really do! And since I have grown... have matured I am extending my hand in friendship to Mark! I am extending the proverbial Olive Branch in his time of crisis. I will not make any jokes. GET WELL SOON, MR. MADDEN!! FROM YOUR NEW PAL, HYATTE!
Oh hell! Since I KNOW it's just Mark and his Mom, I'll even go so far as to offer to stand watch over his nice Mother. Keep her company in this time of crisis.
I will play bridge with her!
I will share meals with her! I'm sure she's an excellent cook.
I will watch "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy" with her. Followed by another thrilling edition of "Navy NCIS"... ooo, I hope Mark Harmon cracks the case before it's too late!!
I'll converse with her! I'm sure she has plenty of stories!
In short, I'll hold her hand through these trying times, mark! As an act of penance for past sins. I'm not such a bad guy, after all!
And if she asks me for a Chili Dog, I will NOT give her one! No! I will refuse! Even if she BEGS me to take a giant crap on her chest and then titty fuck her... NO I will say "NO! NO, MOM!! I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A CHILI DOG!! PLEASE PUT YOUR BLOUSE BACK ON!"
And if she asks me for a Hot Lunch... I will shout at the TOP of my lungs, "NO, MOM, I WILL NOT PUNCH YOU IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND CRAP IN YOUR GAPING MOUTH! NO, NO, NO, I WILL NOT!! THINK OF MARK!! THINK OF YOUR SON!!"
And if she asks me for a Woody Woodpecker, I will REFUSE... I will say, "DEAR GOD NO, MRS MADDEN!! NOT ONLY WILL I NOT TAP MY PENIS ON YOUR HEAD WHILST YOU SUCK MY BALLS, BUT YOU CAN'T SUCK MY BALLS AT ALL!! STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!"
But what if she asks me for a Dog in the Tub? Oh don't be silly... I won't even TRY to stick my nuts in her anus just to watch her buck around and fight her for control like getting a dog in a bathtub! NO MATTER HOW MUCH SHE MOOOOOOOANS
Besides... I'm quite sure I could outpower her any...NO, NO, NO, STOP MAKING ME THINK LIKE THIS!!
Okay, but what if she requests a Flying Camel? Well.... okay.... if she REALLY wants me to start howling and flapping my arms as I.... NO, GOD DAMMIT!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!
No.... I will remain strong willed, Mark. Indeed. You can count on me! Hyatte is your man!
Plus she wouldn't ask for anything like that because she's a decent, upstanding, woman. Not even conceivable. So unrealistic that... well by God it's a PARODY of what MIGHT happen and how I would handle it. That's it... a PARODY... practically a JOKE, it's so outrageous. No semblence of truth at all.
Nope, not a one.
Get well soon, Mark, and stay away from the Chili Dogs too.
Next week, the story of April Hunter
This is Hyatte