The Midnight News

The Raw Mop-Up 02/06/06

So, I'm feeling bad that I bagged out on yesterday's column. I'm trying to build a FOUNDATION here! I'm trying to build a new and old AUDIENCE so we ALL, as wrestling fans, can band together as ONE.

And yet... I was kind of sick Sunday... and so damn tired.... very very sleepy. No, thank you all for your kind e-mails asking me if I was okay... truly appreci...

Oh, wait... only one person reached out to make sure I was okay... and SHE texted me. The rest of you can die.

THEN she called me, and we talked... well, I did most of the talking and she giggled... or he giggled... I think I heard someone giggle... man, I deal with nothing but strange, strange, weird people... including the one guy whom I consider my closest friend... that hillbilly is the strangest.

Anyway, it's late Monday night and Daddy doesn't have to go to work tomorrow, and I'm feeling really, REALLY guilty about not doing a Midnight News... especially since I'm afraid I'll have to refocus and discuss just how I didn't sign onto this place only to watch it become USAPro/UXW/ 2. Oh HELL no... not today, not tomorrow, not next week. Ain't gonna happen.

So what will I do for this bonus? Well, I thought I'd try to have some fun and share some laughs and do an old fashioned Mop-Up for last night's Raw... I used to do these all the time, they were more or less my bread and butter. Fuck, if you see a "funny" recap of a wrestling show, chances are it came from....

oh hell, Hyatte's marking out for himself again... well blow me... I earned the fucking RIGHT... been doing this for near ten years now and have ALWAYS presented a different dort of column... fuckos.... no one else is marking out for me... and it ain't like I'm getting PAID for this.

So what I'm gonna do is recap the latest Raw... I never know how it'll turn out until it's done. All I know is that I used to do this almost every week, and that's INCLUDING a 3 hour Nitro just for the sake of it. Then I got completely burnt on the whole process and have never really recovered... or never have been so inspired to try to recover. Doesn't work like that with me. But, it's a one shot deal, I've caught some things on tonight's show that I found funny... and heartbreaking... I think I'll get it done. I think you'll enjoy it.

So let's give it a whirl. See if there's a drop of gas left in the ol' tank...

RAW IS WAR (or: Jack? Shit)

-A video package reminds us that now we are knee deep in the company's true money making season. Wrestlemania is what it's all about! We see the same bunch of past highlights we always see around this time, inclusing the in ring face-off between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant where Hogan starts having a seizure mid-ring and Andre has a look on his face that says, "30 years I've never been pinned and now I got to go down to THIS orange jerk-off?"

-Nice inter-cutting clips of HBK's and Benoit's win. I'm sure many fans who took a "wrestling break" for the last few years just shook their heads violently and muttered, "Benoit won what now? When did this happen?? Whos' the shmuck who thinks he's Eminem?"

-Now we start our trip down the ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA where ONE lucky sucker will get a chance to lose to HHH on LIVE TV and watch him go try to make Cena universally cheered.

-opening theme. Still the balls after all these years.

-We are in Atlanta, Georgia at the Phillips Arena. I remember back when coming to Atlanta was a big deal for them. I remember the first time they played there. The show opened with a 25 minute promo between Steve Austin and Vince McMahon. 25 MINUTES!!! Back then that was unheard of... now it's the staple of every fuckin' Indy show in existance.

-Why wrestle when they can hear Goodman mouth off about whatever the fuck low rent Indy tools mouth off about.

-Joey Styles says hello. Lawler is there as is Coachman. Talking about the tournament, Styles says that starting tonight, these men will "start an Odyssey that will take them to the main event at Wrestlemania!" Well, Triple H will take his luxury tour bus but someone else will get to rent out a nice Honda Odyssey! Cruise to Chicago in mini-van STYLE!

-Maria is in the ring to introduce Edge and Lita. When I wasn't looking, Maria quietly became the "Diva Everyone Wants to Marry"... not FUCK... marry.

-See, every girl in the world... every one, can be put in one of three categories: Marry, Fuck, or Kill: With the Divas, it runs like this:

-Fuck: Stacey, Torrie, Melina, Candice, Lita, Kristal and Ashley

-Marry: Trish, Stephanie, Mickie and Maria

-Kill: Lilian, Jillian, Victoria, Pat Patterson, and Sharmell

-Soon we'll get to add a NEW category, "Divas we want to Kill because they Fucked CM Punk": So far the applicants are Maria, Mickie, and Trish.

-Anyway, Maria brings out Edge and Lita. The irony is that Edge runs out blindly from a smoke filled entrance while the second verse from his theme clearly states, "I see clearrleee". A good rib, if times right, would be to put a rake right in front of the entrance befgore the fog... so when Edge runs out, just after we hear, "I SEE CLEARLEE" WHAP, he slams the rake into his face... followed by the classic Sideshow Bob, "Eyyyyaaaagre"

-Lita is wearing her titty top. She's wearing it because she just LOVES to fuck with the minds of the marks who keep saying, "She's a filthy hoowaa who's gone through half of Mexico and gang swallowed most of Luche Libre in the 90's". That is the jerk-off top... it's so those Death Valley Driver losers have to post mean shit about her with one hand.

-They enter the ring. Edge chomps on gum with his mouth wide open. Heh, mouthbreather.

-Maria goes into "timid" mode. Like Lita's top, it's a specific pose designed to get the fans feeling as if they want to wrap her in a blanket and hold her before fucking the puppy shit out of her. Then make her eat the shit and digest it just so you can refuck the puppy shit out of her. (Oh, like CM Punk ain't into the kink? Get a CLUE!)

-Maria starts to ask a question but Edge tells her to shut up. Then says "First off" - which, along with "Ya knowww", and "Lemme tell ya somethin'" are the three phrases that, by law... by LOCKER ROOM CODE, every promo must start with. That rebel Kevin Nash used to thumb is nose at this rule by mockingly starting each promo with, "You know lemme tell you something... first off...".

-Lita squeeze her arms together, thus smooshing her tits. We here in Losermarkville call this the "Stratus Effect".

-No, really, when they aren't all pushed up together, Trish has B-cups. IT'S ALL EFFECT AND SPORTSBRA TECHNOLOGY!!

-She also has a neck when her boobs aren't smooshed together... true. I've seen it.

-Edge says that next week, he gets a title rematch and the honor of trying to make Cena look credible in the ring without being so obvious about it. Something Angle never could do. (Kurt could destroy Cena in about 15 minutes and everyone watching knew it.)

-Edge, "You may ask, why do I get a rematch?" (Actually, I'm more interested in asking why he keeps getting injured every few months and how does he expect them to build any future plans around him if he's always getting torn up? Then I'd ask him why his mouth looks about two sizes too wide for his head. THEN I'd ask him what sort of imbecile cheats on his wife DURING THEIR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE!!)

-I'd also like to know how it feels to have teeth that look straight out of the Sears & Robucks Big Book of "Natural Dentures"

-The topic turns to Lita and her possible BETRAYAL of Edge last week! Why would she do this? Does she maybe have the hots for John Cena? (little fact for ya... any chick who DOESN'T have the hots for Cena is either a Roy Orbison Looking full blown Lesbo or in a coma.)

-Close up on Lita... who has a very sexy throat. No, really... I'm a sucker for a well defined throat with lots of lines. Her face, on the other hand... is looking a little wrecked. Her face looks like a Raggedy Ann Doll after going through the Laundry for the 100th time.

-Edge referred to himself as "The Edgemeister".... Which also happens to be the name of my Dermatologist... Murray Edgemeister! I was late with a payment and a few days later an army of zits erupted on my tuckus. Moral of the story: Don't fuck with Jewish Dermatologists

-Edge didn't need to hear Lita's explanation because "I'm always four moves ahead of you dumbasses!"... then he shouted, "Hey, fatso in section 14 G! Knight to Rook 3! Checkmate in four!" Way way waaaaaay in the back a distant voice screamed, "Shit, he's got me!" Edge smiled knowingly. (Wow)

-Edge made a statement then said to Maria, "You got that, toots? Then he said, "Now how 'bout we swing back to the Copa to catch Dino then we can ring a ding ding to the rub a dub dub!" Then he and Lita started singing, "Something Stupid".

-Eventually, Hacksaw Jim Duggan tromped out, and he had the nerve to wear his wrestling tights. His man-tits flopped a bit, but still nowhere NEAR Samoa Joe territory!

-Hacksaw is Hacksaw, which means he never says anything, he YELLS! At the diner, even when it's empty, he'll tell the poor waitress "FOUR STRIPS OF BACON AND TWO EGGS OVER-EASY, WOMAN! HOOOOOOOOOOOO" Then the chintzy fucker doesn't tip.

-He tells Edge to "TAKE IT EASY, TOUGH GUY! TAKE IT EASY!! Then he stuck his thumb and his tongue out at once, and then it hits me, with the mullet and the beard and the dopeyness... Duggan looks best, no, Duggan could... nay, Duggan was BORN to be a roadie for Foghat. How he managed to avoid destiny like that is practically an abortion of nature.

-Duggan kept trying to say "HOOOOOOOOO" but Edge kept interrupting him. So Duggan began chanting "USA, USA"... Edge, speaking for the last twenty years of wrestling fans, FINALLY asks Duggan, "What does the United States have to do with ANY of this?" (wouldn't it be funny if someone found Osama Bin Laden hiding in Duggan's toolshed)

-Edge warned Duggan about calling Lita a "Ho". Duggan said, "I won't say nuthin'" (HA! Hacksaw ain't spent his retirement time READING, that's for sure.), the called Lita a "HOOOOOOOOO" anyway, cuz all us USAers are liars anyway. (Well, we ARE. We looked the whole world right in the face and said Saddam has Weapons of Mass Destruction. Fooled YOUR non-American asses! HOOOOOOOOOO)

-Edge attacked Duggan. Then Lita attacked Maria. Then Cena ran in. Edge ran out. Cena pounced around the ring grimacing as if he was saying, "Oooo if only I was allowed by my master, Gerwitz to charge out after you! OOOOOOO, Lord Gerwitz didn't write that in! OOOO, I'm steamed now!"

-Styles and company shovel out the requisite hyperbole then shuffled us off to the evening's first set of...

-commercials: "Mission Impossible 3" is coming in May... and if it's like the first two flicks, the Impossible part of the movie will be figuring out the plot and ignoring the ridiculously large holes in it... the biggest being how does 5 foot 3 Tom Cruise get to kick ANYONE'S ass.

-Kane stomps out, looking like he's still trying to figure out how he got screwed out of ALL the juicy storylines that came out of the Edge/Lita story in '05. ("I was MARRIED to the bitch, how'd I end up fighting Lance Cade while Copeland got a title run?")

-Chris Masters comes out. Getting off the roids actually makes Masters look BETTER. He'll never believe this, but it's true.

-Coach says he talked to Masters earlier today about this tournament for the WM main event. Masters didn't say anything, all he did was ask Coach how does a black man get such a skinny torso but a fat ass.

-The match was a lot of punches and a lot of Masters trying to get a full nelson going. Kane did his no-sell sit-up... which is exactly DOUBLE the amount of sit-ups Samoa Joe did all year! HOOOO!! ZINGER!!!!

-Joey Styles, "I cannot IMAGINE what a boot to the face feels like." Yeah, but ask him what a lubed fist up the ass feels like.... he could write a book on the subject.

-Masters won by holding the ropes. He walked away looking like he knew this was coming. Kane watched him walk away looking like he knows he'll be stuck in one of them Wrestlemania matches that no one EVER remembers.... again.

-Edge offers up Lita to Vince in exchange for letting her be the guest referee for next week's title rematch. Vince says, "Let me get this straight"... which is Vince speak for, "Here comes a WAAAAY over expositious promo where I spell out everything very carefully and with the required over-done facial expressions just to be sure you idiots at home can understand the angle"... then he goes about doing it.

-It would have been funny if Vince said, "Hey pally, I'm MARRIED!" when Lita propositioned him. But I doubt even a Master Thesbian like Vince could keep from giggling.

-Oh, and of COURSE Vince hit on that tanning salon girl... don't even think twice about it. It happened, he did it, and now it's just a matter of how large the "Shut the fuck up and go away" paycheck to the girl will be.

-Ashley is stretching out and ready to blow 16 spots against Mickie James.

-commercials. I always got a kick out of the last two years of Nitro's existence when the Dog Show would KILL them in the ratings even worse than Raw.

-A new Bruce Willis flick called 16 Blocks... featuring "Mos Def"... He should've been named "Kent Spell"


-Out comes Trish... who COULD be a big a crossover star as the Rock but the WWE doesn't want to fully admit that.

-Trish changed her hair style... took a year before someone explained to her that the "Farrah" was 25 years ago.

-and it looks like she left her "Bronzing Cream" on her bureau in Toronto.

-Funny thing about Trish is when she hurt her back last year, she was about as thin as she's ever been... so instead of maybe adding a few pounds on to pad herself up and protect her back... she looks like she dropped about 5 more! There is now NOTHING but a paper thin layer of skin between her back and the mat. Maybe she's looking to take the summer off?

-How do you fuck someone with a bad back? YOU DON'T! What's she, a virgin or something?

-Ashley and Mickie comes out for the Royal Rumble rematch. It was a short version of every chick match... which means at least three very awkward spots where someone has to break the flow and move into position. Trish has to break the flow and move into position so Mickie can hit her by accident and then gives Ashley the pin and runs out of there like a girl who KNOWS they ran out of ideas on how to progress this angle so now they are treading water waiting for the Wrestlemania set-up and in the meantime Trish is looking like a rube!

-All of the above ends up being wrong, as we see in a few minutes.

-Meanwhile, millions of viewers at home, myself included, are currently debating whether to pull their pants back up... or keep them down in CASE they do a backstage segment.

-More people jerk off to Trish then any other Diva... it's not even a question anymore. You, you're jerking off write now just because I am WRITING about her. People love Trish Stratus. Trish hates you all back. You make her sick.

-Marks. YEAH, YOU!!

-commercials. Triple H uses something called "No Xplode"... which is a bald face LIE because his waistline is "Xploding" all over the fucking place!

-You think Triple H poses and roars even when training in the sparring ring? Wouldn't surprise me. He probably roars when he makes the wife cum.

-during the commercials, WWE Unlimited taped the best and brightest from OVW doing a Cheerleader skit! In other news, I hope to fucking CHRIST CM Punk ends up as Orlando Jordan's boyfriend

-Backstage, Trish is moving her jaw with her hand... (wow, I didn't even know CM Punk was at the show tonight). Mickie catches up with her and calmly explains that even tho' she gets "passionate"... she is a collected, easy going, laidback chick who just wants to love and be loved! (Oh someone's been stealing my IM chat transcripts god fuckin' DAMN IT)

-Trish blows her off and suddenly... some guy walks into the picture. Trish is all over him. She introduces him as "Jack"... Jack has a big Dago nose and a flashy suit and carefully tussled hair. He acts like he knows of Mickie... shakes her hand... tells Trish to get dressed and they take off. Trish shoots Mickie a dirty look as they go. Mickie looks shocked, then mad... pretty much her constant expression whenever she goes online and finds ANOTHER site showing off those nude pics she shot back when she was skinny.

-Jack... fuckin'... I SO don't need this.

-And next week, she'll be making out with him. The WWE's resident sweetheart... the girl NO ONE wants to see with a guy.... gonna be all over him... kissing and tonguing and making Mickie jealous...

-maybe Jack is Trish's real boyfriend? What do we know? No one knows a thing aboot her private life... no gossip there. The closest thing we have on her is that there is a fake Trish who shows up online and everyone wonders if she's real or not. Maybe this... cocksuckin' meatball IS her real guy?

-Or maybe they hired a male model (says Scherer, although someone else says that "Jack" is really WWE Developmental Ray Gordy, and someone ELSE claims he's a Hockey player for the Atlanta Thrashers... all I know is that if it's Ray Gordy, she isn't getting laid tonight... if it's the model or the Hockey player... Trish is getting fucked... possibly in the ass too.)... but one normal looking enough to pass off as a commoner?

-Anyway, you all can just get ready, because in a week or two they will have Trish make-out with this guy just to fuck with Mickie AND you all AND me and there will be a tongueslip.... and it will be a bad scene... and no one will like it... and NO ONE still has any clue who is the Heel and who is the face in this story.

-One thing that is PAINFULLY clear... they ALWAYS give Trish the best storylines... the girl is CLEARLY Brian Gerwitze's Muse. Maybe she's fucking him?

-No... this isn't cool... not even a little. Maybe Brokeback Mountain was right? Maybe I should stop ignoring the messages the movie sent to me. Oh, this is going to get worse before it gets better.

-The best part of this segment was that it was an elaborate magic trick. Trish and Jack were able to make thousands of erections vanish in THIN AIR! That David Copperfield can suck a dick.

-Meanwhile, Sheldon Benjamin's Mamma told him not to leave her alone when he said he had to go
steal someone's get his cellphone. "But Momma, it has all my white rats on it!". He left and Thea Vidale (who is starting to grow into that too large mumu, and that ain't good) started "blacking" out. They only hired her because Florida from Good Times is dead.

-"Momma, everyone calls me a Momma's Boy!" "Well hell, Sheldon, they can't call you Daddy's Boy because ebberyone knows black Daddies are either in jail or are only at the breakfast table when I leave the Milk carton out!"

-Eugene pesters Momma... but in all fairness, it's tough to score in Rehab and Dinsmore is probably jonesing. He ain't going to Todd Grisham for a dime baggie. Sheldon chases him away. Mama vows to "get my knife and cut someone UP in this here piece!" Then she called Sheldon her little "monkey ass". Howard Cosell was thrown out of Monday Night Football for much, much less.

-Eugene thought "Mama" was Martin Lawrence. Thea broke character and said, "Loooord if only I had his money." Then Eugene wanted to pull off her wig. Thea said "IT AIN'T A WIG!!"... of course it's a WEAVE... whitey can't get sheeit straight!

-commercials. "Mission Impossible 3" In Hollywood, movies like these are made for two reasons: 1: To get a major actor with a hidden secret (Tom Cruise and his abnormal sexual fetishes) over as an action, macho star and 2: To give quality actors (Philip Seymore Hoffman, who with a name like that should be named "Jewey Jew Hebeman", and Laurence Fishburn) an easy paycheck and an interesting footnote on their resume. Oh, and 3: To soak the audience out of millions and millions and millions of dollars.

-Pete Rose is Tombstoned by Kane after cutting down Boston a few Wrestlemania's ago... UNFORTUNATELY, something changed in Boston since then... namely the arrival of Baseball Savior THEO EPSTEIN, Pitching God CURT SHILLING, Home Run Messiah DAVID ORTIZ and the general incompetance of the New York Yankees.... oh, and then there's... well... TOM FUCKING BRADY AND BILL FRACKIN' BELICHIK!!!! WHO WAS BETTER IN THIS YEAR'S SUPERBOWL WITHOUT EVEN PLAYING!!!!!! HOOOOOO!!

-Triple H comes out with the world's longest entrance... I mean, Jesus, sometimes even the damn Undertaker skips a few parts of his entrance... not HHH... oh no... we paid to see the whole process and by God we're gonna get our MONEY'S WORTH!!

-It's really insulting when HHH yawns after spitting his water... I mean, asshole... at least TRY to pretend that you might be in for a challenge.

-Out comes Ric Flair. Has anyone ever REALLY tried to put over a broomstick? Why doesn't Goodman book that for his next 5 hour
promo-stroke Indy show? I tried once, and ended up pulling splinters out of my inner thighs (piledriver that went wrong... so wrong).

-This is one of those matches where Hunter can have fun. He knows he's winning, it ain't no big thing, and he knows the dude he's working with is going to give it his all. So Triple H proceeded to spend the match doing a damn fine imitation of Harley Race. If it gets him heat, he'll debut the "Harley Fro'" for WM22

-He's already getting the "Harley Potbelly" going.

-The match continued clean through a set of...

-commercials. Who needs Steroids when you can get a Chris Master's physique simply by using BOWFLEX!! It's all in the RESISTANCE, people!

-Triple H eventually won, and the one asshole who seemed shocked by this was the fat, fat, FAT dude in the Sandman football jersey who booed and cussed and kept standing up to yell and who was ordered to sit down by everyone behind him because no one paid to see his fat ass farting in their faces. This guy actually turned his back when HHH made the three count.

-But he isn't the worst fan alive... that honor goes to "Dave", who started weeping and moaning, "It's still real to me, dammit!" at some Old timer's convention... and was made fun of by ESPN and Jimmy Kimmel. He posts at the Torch board now and jams his tongue up Bruce Mitchell's ass whenever possible. I'll do a full write up on this guy soon.... because he's the reason I don't talk wrestling in real life. A disgrace. A disgrace. A DISGRACE!!

-DISGRACE!!!!!!!! And he has yellow teeth. Yellow. Yellow. YELLOW!!


-Let's try something here. If anyone reading has any plans on attending a Wrestling Reunion/Convention dealy... could you... could you maybe TRY to attend WITHOUT wearing a wrtestling t-shirt? Maybe? Possibly? Could you possibly TRY to wear a nice shirt with an open collar? POSSIBLY? IS THIS CONCIEVABLE??? WOULD THIS JUST ROCK YOUR UNIVERSE????

-We get to see the "" commercial with Candice Michelle in it's entirety. Lawler needs a cigarrette afterwards. Styles looks like he just discovered porn at his Hotel's Spectravision. Coach acted like he just seen a regular commercial starring a girl who he has seen almost naked 900 times live already. I held up a mirror and I looked like I'm still blindsided by the appearence from this "Jake" asshole. A LITTLE HEADS UP WOULD'A BEEN NICE!!!

-Backstage, John Cena calms down a frantic Maria by giving her a deep kiss. The message was loud and clear... CM Punk is going to get fucked with from the GET-GO... the wheels are already in motion! I can't wait. That douche needs a slap.

-Indy King... Mr Live Journal. Mr Straight Edge. He's a midget. He's got love handles. He fucks Divas. He's going DOWN, yo!

-Meanwhile... how is Cena making out with a girl most of the male audience wants to marry going to get him over? Oh, right, the Rock made out with Trish years back (damn, she gets with EVERYONE, don't she) and he got CRAZY over! Brilliant plan!

-Heh, CM Punk... he hasn't even started his education. Ha!


-Out comes the Big Show. I can't help but chuckle about how he used to say Kurt Angle was helping him get in Olympic shape two years ago. Even Kurt, who refuses to give up wrestling even though EVERYONE claims he's held together by spit and masking tape, gave up on the Show. "THE FAT BASTARD JUST DOESN'T STOP EATING!!" says Kurt. I hear once Kurt tried to steal a few French fries from the Show's plate and Show started eating his fingers... the sucky part is that Angle's hand is so numb he didn't even realize what was going on until Show swallowed his wedding band.

-Out comes Shawn Michaels. We see how he put over Shane McMahon's chairshot last week better than ANYTHING Bret Hart threw at him.

-When the Big Show dies... I bet they find about 70 pounds of fecal matter in his intenstines... and perhaps the remains of Dakota Runnels


-Vince comes out. I bet this promo takes at least 8 minutes. He informs Shawn that Shane isn't there this week. (Oooo, Shane isn't at a show? Shocking!!)

-Vince says that he will allow... nor, ORDER Shawn to retire next week on the Thursday Raw. (Vince's first words when he saw the final USA contract before signing: "You mean I STILL have to let you run that fucking dog show???") and, in the meantime, since Shawn is now retiring he doesn't have to compete for the Wrestlemania main event because he won't be there and blah blah blah... Vince sure does like to talk.

-well except to the press when he gets caught hitting on poor Tanning Salon girls.

-One good thing about a Vince promo is that sometimes he loses it and rips into the fans before calmly continuing... like: "And let me say this... SHUT UP!!!!!... you WILL show up to your own..."

-So Vince pulled Shawn out of the match and Sheldon Benjamin took his place. Shawn was irate. Styles was irate. Lawler was irate. Bret Hart, somewhere in either Canada or perhaps Italy was amused and mumbling, "Heh heh, nope... still not getting me back, fucko!"


-What happened was Sheldon threw everything he had at the Big Show and didn't do much. Then his Mama grabbed the Show's foot. Things toppled outside. Mama started pounding on the Show's back. Show turned around and said "STOP HITTING ME!" (sort of completely reversing the roles in Roots). Mama shouted, "YOU LEAVE MY BOY ALONE!"... Show stared at her for a moment and then said, "You mean, not wrestle him, stand here, do nothing, and get paid hundreds of thousands for it? Who are you? Dixie Carter?"

-Anyway, Show pinned Sheldon as Momma had a heart attack and dropped... and boy she dropped funny! It took a full minute before her body stopped jiggling.

-The Ref saw this, called for help... but REFUSED TO MAKE THE X SIGN! THIS IS REAL, YOU RACIST REF!! THIS IS NO WORK!!

-"Mama" was attended to. We hear someone say there is no pulse (well, not since I left! HA HA!)... Show looked liked he cared. Sheldon shouted "MOMMA" and started yanking the white workers off her (well, to be fair, from the back the medics looked like cops). Lawler went into "serious" voice which he reserves only for things like death, plots to kill him and steal his safe, and picking up 23 year old girls. Joey Styles sounded like he was staring at the paystub he keeps on his desk to remind him to sell this bullshit. "Horrible," I heard Styles say. "A tragedy is upon us, wrestling fans. Mama Benjamin is being.... manlookatallthesezeroesattheendofthisfuckingcheck... attended to... God help her... she's in our prayers."

-Commercials, featuring the FOURTH spot for "Mission Impossible 3"

-Backstage, Carlito told Grisham that he's going to beat Rob Van Dam and is then going to Wrestlemania. Carlito always has the same look on his face that I do when I'm smelling pussy that's over 30 years old. (Lord O'mighty... that'll put a sneer on any man)

-On Smackdown, Randy Orton said Eddie Guerrero was in Hell. If that's so... then Candido must be somewhere even worse... umm... Newark?

-RVD comes out. Joey Styles wakes up for the first time since Taboo Tuesday.

-RVD won. His ponytail stayed on (Boy is breaking a record for consecutive number of matches worked without losing the ponytail right before our very eyes and no one notices!) I started this column on Monday night... it's now Wednesday. There have been many, many naps in between, but still....

-Does RVD realize that he'll be the FIRST person asked to pee in the cup when this "Wellness" program takes effect?

-We see that many, many people voted for who will win this Tournament on The surprise is that "Team Canada" came in third while "Get the belt off Jarrett" came in second to last, beating Carlito.

-The King of Kings came in second behind RVD.... which virtually guarantees that the first thing RVD will say after being shown the results from his drug test will be, "AIDS???? ARE YOU SHITTING ME??? FUCKING HUNTER!!!"

-Edge and Lita are WALKING


-The ECW Bloodiest Clusterfucks are coming to DVD. Think of these as X-Division matches between people you could actually pick out of a lineup.

-out comes Lita and Edge. I say a Heel Lita vs a Face Trish will make good money after Wrestlemania...

-Cena RUNS out and starts spazzing. He's all fake now. Not a shred of legit. He can't out-rebel Austin. His "Chain Gang" can't out-pop "Hulk-A-Mania" and he can't make it seem as easy as the Rock always did. The kids like him because they don't know any better. The girls want to fuck him. The guys see right through this. Hunter will kill him at WM.

-Edge attacks Cena and beats on him. Then he tags Maria with Cena's hand and beats on him some more. Then Lita beats on Maria. Then Jack beats up Trish after trying to get "fresh" in his Firebird in the restaurant parking lot and being turned down for it. (Serves her right too)

-Lita gave Edge a "Lita-Currana" which was about 2 seconds too obvious... Edge answered by Spearing Lita, was was in clear and open position for about a second too long. Maria ended up beating Lita. Cena didn't even break a sweat... but then again, he never does.

-Then Cena brought out Mick Foley as next week's guest referee. Mick is just as attractive as ever... and wore blue flannel under his RED flannel... I think it's a personal dare to Buh Buh Ray Dudley.

-This show ends.

And reading this... anyone new to me will wonder what the fuss was all about and why did it take me 2 days to put this together (I'm telling you... NAPS!!) and anyone old to me will see why I had to stop.

But still... I'm way more entertaining then the Billy Firehawk/Frank Goodman Indy Guy feud!... Plus I don't smell like week old sausage.

This is Hyatte