The Midnight News

"The FACT is: I could change my name and be writing full time for the Torch within 6 months. I'm that good"

Go on then. It would be your greatest scam yet. It could be your swansong, if you're looking for one. Make a new web identity, and ingratiate yourself with the Torch. I'll help you if you want... give you a UK based email address or something.

More action less guff, Hyatte.


I'm thinking about it. The best part is, I'll announce when I'll do it... just to make it more challenging.

Anyway, hello Bottom-Feeders. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Busy week for me. Jammed packed. Let's get to it

NO WAY(I'm going to be) OUT ($40 bucks by ordering this show)

I didn't watch it. I have WWE 24/7, yo. I'll watch it in April. I can deal with the two month lay-over. I can handle it.

You know, Wrestlemania might not be so... umm... light this year if they didn't overstuff the Raw/Smackdown co-mingling all last year... making it worthless now. Also, by screwing Jim Ross and pissing all over Eddie Guerrero and creating NO sense of confidence in their creative process, Vince and company have made it VERY easy for Steve Austin, the Rock, and Hulk Hogan to find something better to do rather than show up in Chicago that Sunday.

Basically, they're alienating everyone except for Bret Hart, who probably isn't watching so he doesn't know what's going on over there.

But there was a PPV... and it is my DUTY to recap it... so I will. I took a recap from somewhere else and will post it here... and I'll eliminate the first half of the alphabet!


1 -- RORY S rtn t rusrwt Tt nst s, un, Pu onon, rn nr, Psoss, n Supr rzy. n't s ts t unt t vry n s ws t ttn to t o tont. w t t on rpy n n ts tr.

-oor T n Sr protst on or t to Ty on out vn to n t U.S. Tt wtout rn.

2 -- (w/n ) vs. OY SY

or t t, ny tt sy. tn ro out n s o wt n. n t t wt t unr vnt. sy o y 2:00. t y powrs t 2:30, tn py to t row or rs. too ovr quy n ot sustn ons, sttn n on spr t 6:00. ov t sy o t top rop, ut sy ut n turn t nto powrs. sy tn t wt w souros n otsn. oow wt srs o tr y-to-y supxs. t s T-on Supx n wnt or t pn. t ony to nr . ny trw t rn nnounr nto t rn to strt t r. W strt, ny t sy wt t on Sptr, tn t t otsn ro . Tt n sy's unt str. ws n ro t r o s nos n t n nuts o t t. sy so up n. Tzz -out t Oyps, syn ts s u or ntrtnn tn wtn soon st roun on .

WNNR: t 10:41.

STR RTN: ** -- Pss ton. rr t st vry rn sy.

-T rt rt o nnounnt r.

-T Wrstn 22 vrtsnt r.

-tst out s sp surprs wt u rn ntro. s ws tr to s urt n vs. Unrtr n prson n us ss t ns. s ws worn r to r n pros to rn t tt nvr ost wn ws ty. u Tzz trwr. o s oun't wt to t t wn tst ot s rst sot t t pon. y not vrtsn ts, t ross s n onus on t PPV. ' not sur vrtsn t wou v rsut n ny or uys, ut y orn t unvrts, t t PPV s tt or sp. t's oo to p n t pu y. Sots t's st to p n nur y wy ro TV to rt n "sn s t rt row onr" stuton, n sots ovrxposur n run t pop wn ty rturn, ut n ts s tn ty'r nn t ust rt.

-st, Rny Orton ppro urt n st. rout up wt tst ust s.

-Ty sow rtn st n n ntrvw wt os ttws or WW.o.

3 -- N (rury & Ntro w/n) vs. TT RY & TTN

os, ou tr r town tn n, wo ws vrts or post-No Wy Out ous sows s ry's prtnr? pprnty. Ttn. Ty'v on notn to rsts Ttn. ust oos t orny '70s s wtout nytn or tn t rss n wr ry. Ts s ry oo oo. T t tt vn o not tt N sru t ry's o or prtnr sys sotn. ry ot n so ry ons. Ttn t n n t so ops. N too ovr n n r Ttn's ys t rns to p t s sustn t ons. Ttn ot-t ry t 8:30. ry wor ovr ot Ntro n rury. sn or t Twst o t on rury, ut rury u n Ntro . ry r wt otsn o ot rury n Ntro, tn t Ttn n. Ttn t ot wt yn orrs, tn wr n n wr ry. ry v Ntro t Twst o t n Ttn v rury t Son rop n to t ou pn. ry sn tt wnt t tt sot.

WNNRS: ry & Ttn t 10:38.

STR RTN: *1/2 -- oru t t, ut pss.

-notr Wrstn 22 or r.

- rp r o t rs not-oor T u.

4 -- OOR T (w/Sr) vs. RS NOT

oor s ws nur n oun't wrst. Ty on out n s woun't p t t. oor pt tt. s w wy, not s n't wnt to wn t tt wy. o prs not or wntn to rn t. Wn not ntr t rn, Sr ot n s . oor tn t not ro n. on or t to strt t t. oor oo ust n s ontnu to wor ovr not. y 1:00, tou, not o wt ops n stops. Ts two v wrst so u, t's tou to n t rnn sotn nw to s tns up. Ty n't. ut ty wor so, yt r t. t 16:15 not wnt to t top rop. Sr strt . oor sz t n, no not to t t, n vr sssors . o s, "t's ovr." Tt nt t wsn't. t wsn't. not out. not wt Srpsootr ttpt, ut Sr up on t pron. not rs s ttpt n sot nto t rops, non Sr to t roun. tn rturn to o oor nto t Srpsootr. tn st to t rppr ross n oor tpp out. o s no sypty or oor us vs t nury.

WNNR: not t 18:10 to ptur t U.S. vt. Tt.

STR RTN: *** -- Wt n s tt sn't ry n s? Ty'v str ts tr-str t, ut t osn't t u ttr (or wors), ust or r.

-not ws t st wt u ro ystro. Ty s ty ov otr. u nun o otr y wrstrs, Ty on, n Pt Pttrson. Tn sw vo urrro n urrro's w. not s tr ts Rny Orton, w ppy to onrtu . to Ry tt s on to wn or . Ry n V u.


n ort ton ry. t 10:00, Orton st to worn ovr Ry's n. r t nto t stps n stop on t (tou t r os-up rv ssn y on on stop, ut n ot o nos n t pross). Ry o t 12:30. Orton ut Ry on t top rop n st up n tr r. Ry pun out o t n sunst pp Orton to t t r. tn wnt or ovr n sor nr . Tzz s tt y v n Ry's st sot. Ry t Orton wt up spn w t 13:45, tn t Orton wt rop to t ns. oow wt wt o wys s "snton" ut sn't. (Wy osn't nyon vr orrt ?). Orton ws n sty ro s or. Ry sor svr two ounts. Orton u 619 ttpt n tn soooy Ry n t rops or t tr ount. Ry oo on so s Orton's us py. tr t t, Orton s, "y Ry, uss wt? on to t n vnt o Wrstn. Wr r you on?" tn ropp t . o s, "Wt ss." Tzz s t orr or Ry.

WNNR: Orton t 17:25.

STR RTN: ***1/4 -- rsr tn not vs. oor, ut n vry oo ut not sptur t.

-st Ry r n to vo n V tt t t own n t own. vo u n to to p s n . V r, ut s t ws oy. "You n't t nyon own," s vo. "You tr your rst. W ov you rotr. Tn you." Ry w pst Psoss, Supr rzy, Sotty 2 otty, onon, n nr, wo wr spss. on't rusrwts v nytn ttr to o tn stn roun st? v n sotn s ws pnn n ot n. Sotn wort n nto.

6 -- URT N vs. UNRTR -- Wor vt. Tt t

s, ut oo "n out" spots n t opnn nuts. Tr t top rop w n orr. Ty too t to rns t 5:00. Tr sn or os t 8:00. Tr o onto n's trot, ut n Tr's n to r t rp. Tr n n wt n upprut. o Tr t st pur strr n t . n pp Tr, tn to t t. n put Tr n ur-our wrpp roun t rnpost t rns. T r or r. n ro nto t rn n tn rturn to rns wr ow Tr's n svr ts. n ontnu to wor ovr n's n unt Tr trw n out o t rn. Tr p to rns n v n oot to t . n wt surprs no on Tr t rns. t o or t r ount t out, ro nto t rn, ro to rns, n rpp t no. T r n s ount n. n rout Tr nto t rn n pp o. Tr stru to t out t ntr t, ut n st vr to p Tr n pn. Ty wnt to rns t 18:00 n n u pun n v Tr n ns trou t rns nnounrs' t. Tr rus t t, tn s wrs onto t oor ow -rst. n wnt to wor on Tr wt rr o puns, ut Tr tn rvrs n nto t rns stps. n tn ops n-rst nto prt o t nnounrs' t tt ws stn up. ut t s n n n s Tr trw nto t rn. Tr wnt to t top rop, ut n ut up tr. Tr utt n to t t, tn stoo on t top rop. n rn up n s o t top rop - nrous ov onsrn Tr's ps r sury on to rqur rpnt surry wn rtrs. Tr surprs n wt oot to t s r t 22:15. n ro trou on Tr ttpt n pp n no. o s Tr wou tp out or t vry rst t n s rr. Tr yn n nto s s or trn o to rvrs t ontu. Tt's t pr xp o wt n wn sy Tr s on o t w vtrns norportn U sty wor nto s ts to p tns rs. Tr t os t 24:30 spt s sor n n sor nr . Tr tn st up t st R. n ro trou n pp n no. Ry oo ountr y n. n torqu Tr's n. Tr powr out tr out 30 sons. n oow up wt n n S. sor two ount. W nw t wsn't ovr us Tzz s urn t ount, "n's on to n!" n ropp s strps, ut son tr Tr st up. oo spot. Tr ut n o t rops n st up Toston. n ountr t n st up s own. Tr ountr n. n s out o t n pp n no. Tr ts tppn out. o r tt Tr "notn t." Tr st up n t n's wt s on s. t ro n's rp. n ut Tr wt n ns. Tr spp on notr trn o. n stru to t out. n r n put Tr's sours own. T r ount to tr. Tzz n o wonr wo won. T row n't now ow to rt. T r tn wr n t t. Tr oo t t r surprs. Tr trw n nst t ornr n ot n s n s, "'v ot your nur."

WNNR: n t 29:30.

STR RTN: ****1/2 -- Str t. On o Tr's st vr. Ty ry vr. Tr ws no pont you ou us t o "n t" spt on nry 30 nuts. Ry ntrstn ountrs trouout. or t. T ns wor, too.

Heh... I'm amusing myself with this, I realize... but who cares..


After a multi-week, several times a day harrassment, Bret Hart has agreed to be honored at the Wrestlemania Hall of Fame. He is now the main selling point to an otherwise SummerSlamish show.

But don't expect Harts and Flowers when he makes his speech.... I predict Bret will have PLENTY to say and LOTS of dirty laundry to air out....

...orrrr maybe not. He'll probably just end up mumbling something about never stiffing anyone and working hard and how whacky his life has been and all the twisats and turns and maybe a little shot at Shawn Michaels sucking the big root... but it'll be generally mellow.

But the question is... WHY, BRET, WHY? Why finally crumble to the pleads of the man who betrayed him, the Devil Himself... why agree to submit yourself to the machinations of Vincent K McMahon one more time? Why risk the INEVITABLE.... and be in the same building at the same time when Vince takes on Shawn Michaels because you KNOW Vince will grab a mic and SHOOT a challenge for Bret to come on out there and get involved... why set yourself up for the man who'll shake your hand, look you in the eye, then ram a knife right into your liver? Why?

That's what I wanted to know... so I called him. That's right, I rang him right up. I called him. What? I've been doing this for a long time and have entertained MILLIONS... you wouldn't BELIEVE the phone numbers I have.

I asked him why deal with the man he hates more than LIFE itself... he said that after years of reflection, he decided that he no longer hates Vince as much as he used to. He hates EVIL, yes... but he doesn't see Vince as "evil"... he sees him as an asshole, but not an EVIL asshole...

In fact, he ran down a laundry list of many, many things he now hates more than Vince McMahon... things that exist that make it POSSIBLE for him to leave the past behind and move on...

He wanted me to post this list, just to let the fans know that he has moved far beyond 1997... and hating Vince McMahon. Why, Vince hardly even RATES anymore when compared to what really cheeses him off these days. Things such as:





-anyone named “Hickenbottom”




-airline food

-his brother Bruce

-any movie with Timothy Hutton

-Timothy Hutton


-The Von Erichs for setting the bar of family deaths that the Harts couldn't possibly match

-cut and paste websites

-The Greeks

-Bob Dylan

-USA Pro promoter Frank Goodman


-Ice cream cartons that are half vanilla and half chocolate (“Make up your mind, eh.”)

-Frank Stallone

-black people who crank up the bass in their cars late at night (“I mean, people are trying to sleep, eh”)


-Tony Danza

-MySpace ("What's the point, eh?")


-the TV show Lost ("I keep looking for Khan and that midget to show up!")

-Opie & Anthony

-wives who get fat after you marry 'em

-Hosers with three word names, all starting with the same letter.

-Hosers who keep asking him when he's coming back.

-The damn Burger King King.

And then he told me to take off and hung up the phone.


Heh, bet you had no clue where this eventually went, did ya'? Heh, Hyatte rules


Boy, like I've been saying for months now, the CM Punk story is THE story to watch for '06.

In case you missed it.. I devoted two big segments to him in the past. Go here for the first one and go here for the second one. Go ahead, I'll wait. Catch up or refresh your memories... cuz I got an update.

Okay, since those two stories... CM Punk has caused even MORE trouble for himself... and this is coming from Wade Keller and Dave Meltzer, so it's legit...

1: Keller reports that during the Raw swing through the Kentucky area, CM Punk was walking around the locker room and very sarcastically wising off to the "boys" by asking, "Can a change here? Is it okay if I get dressed HERE?" The impression is that he was mocking the code where newbies have to respect that it isn't THEIR locker room, they are just visiting. They have to EARN a spot in there. Punk seems to find this amusing.

2: He was caught making out with Maria. He put pictures of them hanging out at a bar and smooching. Thesxe pictures were 'hacked" off his photobucket account and made it online, and on a lot of message boards. Punk says he's "really pissed" about it, but hasn't said anything else. He and Maria are still dating.

3: Punk turned down an offer to go to Raw as a memeber of the Spirit Squad.

4: So, according to Meltzer. Punk worked the last ROH show but it was cleared with the WWE management. This doesn't mean the OVW locker room appreciated this move, but all we heard was "WWE approved! WWE said yes!" Well, Meltzer says that Tommy Dreamer said yes... and laid down some rules where he can't lose, he can't work with TNA guys, he can't be advertised by ROH, and he really shouldn't WRESTLE... even tho' he did.

The thing is... Dreamer didn't tell anyone that he gave his permission. So a FURIOUS Vince and Stephanie gave Johnny Ace HOLY HELL about this! Ace pleaded ignorance and gave Tommy Dreamer HOLY HELL about this. Dreamer, who isn't thrilled with Punk because Punk was big against Rob Feinstein during the Feinstein/Saplosky break-up, sent all the blame back to Punk, who shouldn't have asked for this anyway. So now Punk has the McMahons and Dreamer and Johnny Ace and the OVW locker room AND the WWE locker room pissed at him. Management isn't happy that he's dating Maria either... because work related romances are ALWAYS a bad move.

5: HHH, HBK, Arn Anderson, Michael Hayes... they ALL think Punk's workrate is crappy! They think he just steals moves from Japan and his matches are spot-fests with no believable selling. Stephanie thinks he's the King of the Indies and isn't even CLOSE to WWE ready. Because of constant columns like these, he is regarded as an Internet Boy, like Matt Hardy.

6: Hardy, by the way, turned down an offer to have Punk brought up as his new tag partner.

Lots of stuff... the guy is just a MAGNET for shit.

But people who have seen him SWEAR by him. People have told me he has "it"... I mean, Cena "It", the Rock "It", Hogan "It". He's got the charisma. he is always the center of attention...

And yet... he seems intent on shitting in his oatmeal (copyright Flea)...

The boy needs and intervention. And since Sean swears that Punk comes here... and I believe him because DOI has all the Indy news that Punk follows... and we are apparently in a war with Saplosky... and since his name is in my teaster here so he'll have to click... I'm going to talk directly to him right now.

Dear Punk,

Hello. You've never met me and I've never seen you work. My name is Chris Hyatte and I'm a pretty smart, observant dude. Now granted, I'm only going by reports and rumors here, and I won't presume to know what's on your mind or how you think, but given the info that I have, I think I can still talk to you and try to reach you or maybe give you something to consider. Okay? Just hear me out.

What kind of fucking moron are you? Are you fucking stupid? Are you a fucking tool?

How many fucking wrestlers have made the sort of impression on fans WHO'VE NEVER SEEN THEM WORK that you have? Look around, stupid, you are a FAVORITE topic of conversation! And it's not all bad like Triple H talk. It's good. People think you are going to SUCCEED... people think you are going to OWN the WWE. People think you could be the next CENA, the next AUSTIN... the next fucking ROCK! You apparently have what it takes. You have crossover appeal. You might very well be the "next big thing"!

So why fuck it up? What kind of dumb cocksucker are you?

Right now, as it stands, if you got called up to the Big Time tomorrow, you have two fucking oocker rooms who can't wait to teach you some respect. You straight edge asshole. How will 20 chops from Chris Benoit feel every night for the next 6 weeks? How about that big house show tour against Bob Holly? Maybe the Big Show? Hey, that Fit Finlay is ALL ABOUT kayfabing the shots, isn't he? YOU CLAIM TO NOT TAKE PAIN KILLERS... SO YOU GO AHEAD AND PISS OFF GUYS WHO GET OFF ON BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF COCKY ASSHOLES????? Smart move, nitwit!

How do you expect to be given the "Cena" push when the fucking management hates you? Use your head, bad ass, now we're talking the difference between making $60'000 a year to making $800'000- $1'000'000 to more. You want to get fucking FIRED? I know, you are the "Punk"! You stick around long enough to buy a nice house and a nice car then work Indys for the rest of your career. Good for you, white trash. Way to keep your expectations nice and low. That way you can't fail, right?

Yeah, blow off the major players in the WWE. Keep HHH nice and dismissive about you. Show Stephanie that you're more toruble than you're worth. Vince McMahon isn't impressed that ROH did something with your scrawny ass. He doesn't care that you sold DVDs to the ultra-fanboys. Vince wouldn't make the effort to spit in the general direction of ther ROH flag. To him, no one is worth shit until he thinks they are wiorth shit. Your history means nothing to him. he lets his daughter and son-in-law and Director or Talent Relations tell him who is worth what... and NONE of them think much of you.

Heyman? Yeah, he loves you. But the only reason he's on the payroll is to keep him away from Panda energy. A man as gifted as heyman should be head writer on Smackdown, NOT running a farm team like OVW. His opinion means so little to the McMahons it's a fucking joke. Great, he's on your side. Might as well have Frank Goodman cheering for you. Mean so little to the WWE. It's a fucking joke, just like your career so far.

Get this in your head, Punker. Your career is meaningless until you get the shot. Any wrestler knows this. Every single wrestler you know would chop off your fucking pecker if it means a spot on Heat. If any of them have any sense, they'll punch you in the fucking face and tell you to smarten up, By shitting on this opportunity you have, you are shitting on THEM. You have the potential to be the biggest inspiration to every Indy worker with aspirations for the spotlight. You have a shot to be their hero. The one who made it, through the ranks, through the grassroots of ROH straight on to the top. Samoa Joe is still fighting for extra grocery money from TNA. They are resisting giving him a raise. He may be the Wrestler of the Fucking Century but HE'S STILL MAKING CHUMP CHANGE. he's not a star. he's not mainstream. You aren't either. But you can be.

So, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for those boys you share the high school locker room with during your Indy shows. Or USED to... stop doing favors for Saplosky. You did enough. Fucking grow up, douchebag. You're insulting the business. You're pissing on it. Scumbag.

And find a fucking rat or two. The WWE tries to be a professional atmosphere. Don't fucking show off your conquests. They want their Divas to appear available to the fanboys. They don't want drama or the hassle of a tense break-up. Pictures of you tongue kissing Maria only serves to piss people off. Yeah, you're a stud, Good for you. Fucking smarten up and keep your in-house riomances hidden, like HHH does.

Man... I don't know you and you can die tomorrow and it won't affect me. But you have the potential to be one of those rare, RARE workers who could very well LEAP to the high, HIGH mean event spot. You have the earning potential to bring in millions. If you play nice, they migyht even let you use your natural gimmick... your natural personality. It could be so EASY for you to become the biggest star of this particular era. All you have to do is sell-out... just a little. Millions of people would kill for what you have and what you could have. But you have to go and be a fuck-up. You have to go and make it hard for yourself.

Loser. Then get fired and go back to ROH and cut promos and use 140 moves a match and have fun. It's the easy way out. it's the cheap way out. And you're guaranteed never to fail, and 3% of the entire wrestling audince will know about CM Straight Edge Punk. And the millions and millions and MILLIONS of casual fans will never be the wiser. Go for it. Have fun.

Just, do me a favor. Stick around and get called up. Because a LOT of people, myself included, just can't WAIT to see that Triple Threat Match with you and JBL and Hardcore Holly. One thing you DEFINTELY owe the fans is the opportunity to watch you get the living, wiseass shit kicked out of you.

Keep blowing your shot. And good luck selling that line about being better than us.



Hyatte :)


I hope he gets hit so hard he swallows his own tongue.


And so, after years of mentioning it, Dave Scherer, who always has a happy ending... who always rises above... who always overcomes... who always SUCCEEDS, finally got to sit down and talk, in FULL about how he transformed himself into a muscle machine... into one of the "boys"

Last week, and the week before, I delved fully into what a scam the guy was, how his new PWInsiderXtra site is a joke... how he has been trying his damndest to paint this picture of himself but the picture has so many holes in it he cannot possibly be taken seriously. You can go back too the last two columns for all that, I won't get into it again. He's a piece of nothing. He's a liar. And he deserves to rot.

And he made his "Transformation Blog" into two parts. And now he gets to fulfill his fantasy. He gets to talk in FULL about how he's better than all of us... how he's a HERO...

So let's break this down...

A few blogs ago, I wrote about how I lost about 55 pounds after allowing myself to get up to a rather bulbous 280..

Hyatte: Actually, it was his last blog. He's pretending that this isn't something he's been DYING to brag about for years

I mentioned that if anyone wanted to know how I did it to drop me a line and I will share what worked for me. I received a lot of requests, so here is my story.

Hyatte: "Okay, you guys twisted my arm! I really wasn't going to do this... no, I really was ready to let it go!" LIES!!! I'll hand over my cock to a fucking Pitbull if he got more than 3 e-mail requests!! Lots of requests... no one is running to Dave Scherer for weight loss tips, I fucking PROMISE.

As I mentioned before, I hate diets, for a number of reasons. I think it's ridiculous to expect someone to change their way of doing things for the short term, only to go back to what they did before when the diet is over. On top of that, I don't like the concept of completely cutting out certain kinds of food from what you eat. Carbs aren't bad. Excessive carbs are bad. Fat isn't bad. Too much fat is bad. To me, the best diet is a balanced one, one that contains foods all across the spectrum. If you think before you eat something, that is half the battle.

Hyatte: Asshole just read an Atkins book, this is not groundbreaking revelations here, this is Chapter 1 of the Atkins Diet. I bet the lying jerk just browsed through a few pages at the bookstore without buying it.

I also believe that exercise is every bit as important as diet, especially as a person gets older, and that doesn't even get into the fact that it's healthier as well.

Hyatte: Scherer the rocket scientist also believes that the leaves change in cold weather, that water is wet, that ice melts in the sun, that cars need gas to go, and that pulling on the penis feels good, which he is doing right now.

On our message board, Dan Israel wrote something that I could agree with more, that in the end it's all a matter of mathematics. What you eat throughout the day puts X amount of calories into the body. What you burn off throughout the day gets rid of Y amount. If X is greater than Y, you are going to gain weight. If X is less than Y, you will lose weight (provided you don't have a medical condition that supersedes this). To me, it's that simple. So, it's also that simple that if you both watch what you ingest as well as burn calories through exercise and every day activity, you are attending to both factors in weight loss and should have success.


That was the realization I came to back in 2003.

Hyatte: And in 2002, an apple dropped on his head and he said, "Well god damn, this must be that nutty GRAVITY I've been hearing about!"

At the time, I was getting no exercise and eating a lot of food, much of it bad and at the wrong time. My first course of action was to look at how I ate.

Hyatte: I put on my white coat and college smartypants eyeglasses...

I often would skip breakfast and not have anything in my system until lunch. Bad move.

Hyatte: Wrong. Oh right, this is what Doc Atkins said on page 15.

It's better to eat something in the morning to get the metabolism going.

Hyatte: Because that lazy metabolism just STOPS in the morning! So far he's being so simplistic and lazy. Not a single original thought yet. All out of every diet book

I always ate a big lunch and a big dinner, then snacked before I went to bed. Snacks during the day were never an issue for me, luckily.

Hyatte: If snacks weren't such a big issue he wouldn't be such a fat fuck.

The first thing I did was start eating breakfast every day. I now have the same thing every morning: A bowl of Total, with skim milk, a small box of raisins and a glass of Orange Juice (Tropicana makes a great light OJ that has half the calories and tastes like real OJ).

Hyatte: Everything he eats is marketed at women, so not only is he reading diet books (although SuperDave HATES diets), but he's reading ones made for women. He can't even come up with something a male could eat. Fag.

At the same time, I stopped drinking sugar soda and switched to diet. Yes, I know that Nutrasweet probably isn't great for you, but you can't have everything and soda is a weakness of mine.

Hyatte: Coke is his Kryptonite. He is Pepsi's lapdog! I'll tell you right now he never mentions water.

I made sure to have a banana or apple, or both, with lunch every day as well. My one vice is potato chips, so I figure the more good food I put in my stomach, the less room for chips. I also cut back on after dinner snacks

Hyatte: Scherer the Math genius now has TWO vices... or weaknesses... he can't say that because TWO vices would make him seem less than superhuman!

I gave myself 100 calories to eat after dinner, and that was it (unless it was to, say, have an apple and an orange, then I would waive the rule). I also made sure to eat whatever snack I would have within an hour of dinner because a friend of mine told me that it breaks down faster when there is other food in the system. Whether that is true or not, it's always better to not eat before you go to bed so by eating my snack early, I had at least three food-free hours before bed so that the food would digest and not lay in my stomach all night.

Hyatte: Calories... he's so fucking stupid. Calories. Three food free hours before bedtime... retarded. And his friend is a moron too. He hasn't "won"... he hasn't "triumphed" over food... he hasn't "won the battle"... look at how he's obsessing over it.

The other food thing I started to do at the time was read labels. When you look at what is actually in some foods, it's kind of scary. I started asking myself if I really needed that and most of the time I said no and ate something healthier.

Hyatte: It's kinda scary! Look at all them big, important, $100 dollar words! I ain't eating anything with "fructose"... hell NO!

With what I call a "smart diet" in place, I turned to exercise. I want to also state that I don't take or endorse any supplements or weight loss, Stacker 2 kinds of products. To me, they are just fools gold. The work is the work, and shortcuts are shortcuts.

Hyatte: That "smart diet" line is all about getting himself over as a fitness guru now. Dave's way is the SMART way... the ONLY way... and someday someone will ask him to write a BOOK about it! Then Vince McMahon will comp him! And supplements? SUPER SCHERER DOESN'T NEED SUPPLEMENTS! SUOER DAVE LAUGHS AT SUPPLEMENTS!! The creep.

When you are overweight, you MUST speak to your doctor before starting to exercise. To not do so is just stupid. Get the OK, then get started.

Hyatte: That is so no one can sue him. Every diet book he read for this piece screams about seeing a Doctor. Meanwhile, there isn't a Doctor on the planet who will advice against exercise.

Since I was out of shape, I started walking, which is low impact and easy on your body. I started out doing 2.5 miles a day, at a good pace.

Hyatte: Also does next to nothing. He only needed to stop 5 times during this walks.

Within a month, I was up to four miles at a clip, and then six.

Hyatte: Always a happy ending. In 6 weeks Dave will start talking about running marathons.

It took about an hour and a half, and burned around 600 to 700 calories.


I listened to music and read while I walked, so the time flew by for me.

Hyatte: How can you read while walking? Does he have "Scherer sense" to keep him straight and to dodge obstacles while not watching where you're going? Have you EVER seen anyone read while walking? Must be on a treadmill. Walking 6 miles in 90 minutes... huffing and puffing in a tent of a sweatshirt... all sweaty.

I was losing around 4 to 6 pounds a month (which I recommend because your body does not like to lose weight much more quickly than that and it can lead to medical problems if you lose too much too fast).

Hyatte: 4 to 6 pounds a month isn't a "smart diet".... really fat people lose that much weekly. 4 to 6 pounds a month is just adding ex-lax to your diet. He doesn't know what he's doing he's just making lame boasts but playing it safe because he really thinks he's inspiring people.

By the end of the year, I had gotten down to 225 pounds. At that point, I had a new problem.

Hyatte: Uh oh... another challenge to overcome! His problem was that the 20 year old chicks at the gym were still making gross faces when the fat old fart approached them.

When I was younger, I was an avid weightlifter and always very strong. But, I hadn't been in the gym in 13 years, so things had changed for me since I had been to the gym. The first thing I did when I went to the gym was tell myself that the old Dave was gone and the new Dave had to be realistic. I was ultra-conservative at first, just doing the circuit of machines three times a week, for three sets of 10 on each.

Hyatte: The old Dave is DEAD... I am now SUPERDAVE.

Blah blah blah... the saga of why Dave rules according to Dave went on, inclusing his weight lifting routine which he basically recommends killing yourself and risking serious injury by doing a WHOPPING 200 reps per body part a day... plus working the treadmill and watchin g those claories burn for 2 hours at a time... basically, Dave is at the gym for 3 hours a day. Until finally...

All of the above information is nice to have but it will only work if you are committed to it. If you cheat, you only hurt yourself. I know it's tough to get to the gym sometimes, but you have to force yourself to do it. It has to be part of your routine. Over the past year, I went through a lot of things that my family went through that would have made it easy to blow off exercising, but I didn't. Instead of making an excuse why you won't go, you have to make one for why you will. In the end, you will be glad you did. I know I am!

Dasve overcame! Dave persevered! Dave fought back! A Happy ending! A ROUSING SUCCESS!!

He's full of shit.

I'm not going to tell you how to work out like he tried. I'm not going to brag about MY work-out routine like he just spent two big blogs doing. All I'm going to tell you is that counting calories and obsessing over every bite of food you take is NO WAY going to help you keep weight off. NOWHERE in this blog did this dumb fuck, you has been DYING to write about this, mention heartrate. Calorie burning will drive you insane. You have to get your heartrate up... and walking won't do it. You have to RUN... you have to SWEAT... for 20 minutes at first then up to 30 then up to 40 then up to 50-60.... that's all you need. Eat whatever you want but in doses. Don't fucking eat a whole pizzaq, eat 2 slices and slow slowly... take your fucking time.

What a let-down. He's been teasing and teasing and dropping hints and bragging about this for years... and the BEST he can come up with is a few chapters from various diet books and a whole lot of lies and a LOT of bullshit and false bragging.

And WHERE ARE THE PICTURES? If he's so damn proud of himself... if he's such a fucking success story, then WHERE ARE THE PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE NEW DAVE?

Don't trust this shit. He's a fraud. A fraud.

Want to see what he looks like? Want to see what SuperDave Scherer looks like?

Here's the gym rat. He looks NOTHING like the nazi who used to scream "HOOOOGAAAAAANNNN"

And here's the funny part... since this exhaustive two part bloggy which Dave says his readers BEGGED him to write... he hasn't written anything since. HAHAHAHHAHAHA HE'S RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

If you frequent pwspyware, best of luck. You're taking your computer's life into your own hands. If you go to pwspywarextra, then you deserve whatever massive worm gets into your system.

And if you pay for the ad free stuff, and support this loser... then by all means, believe his bullshit. Buy into it. Be an idiot. I've got no sympathy.

The IWC's Randy Orton is as fake as the sport he reports on. It's all about putting himself over. It's all about a Jersey boy trying to delude you into a gimmick.

One day, I'm going to slap him right in the face... then take his wife in the ass... then his daughter... and make him watch.

Cocksucker. He'll be dead soon. And I will piss on his grave and film it.


*In America, one out of every two marriages ends up in divorce.*

And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

Of course half of you imbeciles are getting divorced. You're not marrying someone who syncs up with you perfectly. You're marrying someone who you want to fuck.

I'll make it simple, you marry for looks or for convienence or because they are a wildcat in bed, you're doomed from the start. You have to marry someone who YOU THINK YOU CAN GET ALONG WITH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Oh, and most people would rather be treated like shit than ignored. Little quickie tip for ya'.



Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true... more or less:



Well goddam they finally got their shit together, then they fucked it up per usal. They got a guy who wins every net award, Samoa Joe. They got everyone's favorite mid-carder, Christian, and crow about making him into somebody. Christian's okay, but they should've given Sting's money to Jericho. But if Jericho has any brains, and he ain't no dummy, then he ain't going anywhere near those rednecks. TNA got a little success and ended up stepping on their dicks. They got the Dudleys now. There is a reason why D-Von don't go outside and why Buh Buh Ray does. D-Von so fucked up about getting told by Vince to get bent, he went ahead and swallowed a bodybuilder. He don't leave the house now. Buh Buh does. I see Buh Buh Ray at the supermarket. I always want to ask him "Hey, what you doin' in the fruit section?" Never even mind. They should be pushed to the moon and they can't even win a screwy title match. That's why this company is low rent... low budget. Those dumb mother fuckers they just don't know. Any company that had Dutch Mantel on the payroll and won't sign Samoa Joe for whatever he wants has a real priority problem. And I'd fuck Dixie Carter in a heartbeat as long as I'm in her Daddy's will. Jeff Jarrett? What do I care about him? Nobody else does.

Flea: every time a wrestler dies, he'll write YOU a check! Check out his site.


So there I was, online and minding my own beeswax when a girl said hello.

Keep an eye on the timestamps and try to pinpoint exactly when I said, "Fuck morality and fuck the law."

SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:37:08 PM): Hi
Hyatte1com (10:37:40 PM): Hi
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:37:57 PM): ur funny
Hyatte1com (10:38:18 PM): I'm Chris, actually
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:38:39 PM): LOL

SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:39:10 PM): im (her name)
Hyatte1com (10:39:11 PM): hello
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:39:20 PM): hi my brother loves wrestling so thats how I notived you

Hyatte1com (10:39:25 AM): cool... so what are you wearing?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:43:28 PM): LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:45:51 PM): how old are you?
Hyatte1com (10:45:44 PM): u first
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:45:49 PM): LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:48:01 PM): im 16 yo
Hyatte1com (10:48:08 PM): I see
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:52:05 PM): u?
Hyatte1com (10:52:23 PM): how 'bout that Justin huh? Man, he HOTT

SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:52:32 PM): eww gay
Hyatte1com (10:53:16 PM): no way man!
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:54:28 PM): LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (10:59:51 PM): im still waiting
Hyatte1com(11:00:44 PM): for?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:01:49 PM): how old are you lol
Hyatte1com(11:04:03 PM): 34 yo!
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:04:25 PM): no way
Hyatte1com (11:04:29 PM): way

SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:04:38 PM): thought ude be younger yo
Hyatte1com (11:04:45 PM): I get that a lot.
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:04:52 PM): LOL well ure still funny

Hyatte1com (11:05:03 PM): thanks
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:05:08 PM): :)

Hyatte1com (11:10:03 PM): so ure 16?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:11:05 PM): fraid so

Hyatte1com (11:11:34 PM): what are you wearing?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:11:41 PM): lol pjs u nerd

Hyatte1com (11:12:48 PM): ever have sex before?
SeXxieLiLrEe04 (11:12:52 PM): ugh... thats none of ure business and fuck u

and then she logged off...

There wasn't a single time during this chat where I wasn't fully aroused.

This is something I am not proud of

I... I might need some help.


Eh... not feeling it this week. How about we end with an old favorite...


What I do is scour... SCOUR different web site message boards and pull interesting quotes from the last few days. I didn't go to the message board HERE... or that identical Frank Goodman place either... no sense in doing that. The trick here is to go to places you don't visit, to see that you are ALL pretty much thinking the same things... damn sheep... what's WRONG with you people?

Man, I'm cranky this week...

I used to admit to where I went, but then some dickhead named Frank Jewitt said that I should give CREDIT to the MATERIAL I use...

This isn't "material", these are fucking brief quotes. Imbeciles who think shit they post on a message board is "material" should get to watch their balls explode.

Anyway, I hit a few places, and this is what people like YOU, John Q Simpleton, are talking about this week...

"Nikita Koloff was probably one of the greatest heels of the 80's. That guy personified the Soviet Union and was a monster in the ring. Now he has a mullet."

"The power of Tatanka and his 50 billion chops is too strong for any mere mortal to withstand."

"People who still use phrases like 'hip' aren't generally hip themselves. See also: Keller, Wade."

"Nothing screams hip like Sean Waltman. "

"C'mon, man. He chugs Energy Drink."

"Eugene is the most annoying Bob Saget ever. Man that summer when Eugene feuded with HHH (another pregnant dog) was torture. It just ticks me off to even think about it. Crimeny jeeze! I'm pissed now!"

"Where do you find foot fetish videos at? I'm gonna go down to Payless or Foot Locker tomorrow to see what they know."

"To be fair to both sides, at least Bruce Mitchell isn't one of the dumbest and least qualified people to be getting paid to analyze wrestling. On the other hand, Bruce Mitchell cannot bench press 890 pounds like Dave Scherer, so I guess that evens out the value of both sites. I mean, if you're going to give $40 a year to a group of clueless tards, you at least want them to be able to lift heavy stuff if the need arises. Paying these guys to hear their thoughts about wrestling is like paying Magic Johnson to hear his thoughts about safe sex."

"And just the other day I was thinking about how Scherer had become bearable recently. He hasn't really changed at all."

"CRZ bored me to death. I don't think I every read one complete recap of his because I wanted to shoot myself before I was done. The only reason he was able to write a 50 page Raw report everyweek is because he's an antisocial, obese, zit face loser with an inferiority complex. Don't believe me? Go check out his message board."

"What the hell is with what qualifies as 'sexy' nowadays? Ankle warmers with heels?"

"I don't know where this new found exposure is gonna take Stacy. She may be young and beautiful, but she doesn't act or sing, so it's not as though you can put her on TV or sign her to a record deal. And it's not going to help her standing in the WWE. Assuming she comes back to SD, they have no titles for her to win. I guess she can use her new found fame to get appearances on VH1 shows like Chris Jericho did."

"mmmmm....Patricia Heaton"

"Fuck Shannon Moore. The sooner that ratfaced oaf is off my tv screen and working for minimum wage at some hicksville Wal Mart, the happier I'll be."

"The dog show's contract was just extended through 2016, so it will be around for quite some time. It just doesn't lose money. In fact, the last quarter hour of the dog show's second night usually does better than Raw's average. And yes, Pedigree, Toyota and Dreamworks pay much more than Axe body spray, Ultraviolet and Metal Gear Solid."

"Carlito's hair is AWESOME. Plus it adds a lot of hair-related offensive maneuvers to his opponents aresenal. I want to see him get some hair related injury a la Dilbert's boss, and have his hair taped up, and his opponent is totally going to work on it and puts it in the Figure Four Hairlock."
"Fuck unbridled patroitism. Fuck the lies that were fed to us. Fuck anyone in the government that would say "We had no idea they would use jets as weapons". Fucking LIARS! Fuck tacking on provisions to the 87billion that was supposed to be for war use, not for violating protester rights at the FTAA in Miami. Fuck anyone that thinks the Saudi's are our allies. Fuck anyone that would supply chemicals to Saddam in the 80's, looking at you Bush/Regan. Fuck Rumsfeld for befriending Saddam. Fuck depleted uranium munitions. Fuck any conservative lawmaker that would cut veteran's benefits. Fuck any veteran that would support such an asshole. Fuck our Trident Submarines, we dont' need the capacity to nuke over 8,000 cities at once, THAT WOULD KILL THE EARTH YOU FUCK-TARDS! Fuck any of our "leaders" that supported the plan to attack ourselves in the now declassified Norhtwoods Documents! Look it up! Fuck Ahscroft for fucking with librarians, it is NOT 1984 jerkoff! Fuck the H2! Fuck dependence of foreign oil. FUCK THE GOVERNMENT TOPPLING, SHAW INSTALLING, COLUMBIAN PARA-MILITARY TRAINING, TORTURE MANUAL MAKING, MEMBERS OF THE CI FUCKING A!!! Fuck Karl Rove, this ain't a movie fucko, this is real life. Fuck CLUSTER BOMBING civialian areas. Fuck Roote and Brown for commiting FUCKING FRAUD upon most everyone reading this. Fuck Halliburton's uncontested contract with the Iraq war, and FUCK anyone that thinks nothing is fishy about them being Dick Cheney's former company. Fuck Osama. Fuck his CIA trained with your tax dollars ass. Fuck the Taliban for being invited to the Bush's ranch in Texas. Fuck the ENTIRE SAUDI ROYAL FAMILY! JUST CUZ BUSH IS YOUR FRIEND DOESN'T MAKE YOU MY FRIEND YOU GAY HATING, WOMEN DEMEANING, AL OUEDA FUNDING JACKOFFS! Fuck WMD that don't exist, yet send our men off to die. Fuck China for brutalizing Tibet, and still getting "Most Favored Trading Nation" status from Clinton. Fuck any president that thinks Mexicans speak Mexican! IDIOT. Fuck giving airlines federal funding, THATS MY TAX MONEY BEING TURNED INTO PROFIT FOR A PRIVATE COMPANY. Fuck the Neo-Cons, you war mongering, facist demons hell bent on some kinda twisted imperical vision of my nation. Fuck NAFTA, it sends our jobs to sweatshops south of the border. Fuck sweatshops, FUCK NIKE, FUCK the GAP! Fuck letting firemen destroy their health by lying to them and saying "Ground Zero is perfectly fine." It wasn't and you knew but ordered EPA to say it was safe, you fucking Whitehouse jerkoffs. Fuck the Whitehouse being turned into the "Cracker House". Fuck Pol Pot and Henry Kissinger too. AND FUCK BILLY GUNN! GET OFF MY TV YOU ANAL LOVING FREAK!"

"What the hell is Al Isaacs doing these days?"

"OK this is what I just thought up... this could be the feud that could make the Masterpiece. Hogan has been letting it be known that he wants to put somebody over at WM... Lets think about it... CAN YOU IMAGINE THE CROWD ROAR WHEN THE HULKSTER CANNOT EVEN HULK UP TO GET OUT OF THE MASTERLOCK??? I would mark sooo hard.. and even if he broke the Masterlock - he's Hulk freakin' Hogan. This would be that feud that would really boost Masters' push, whether you like him or not.."


"Fun Stacy fact: On Friday's Dancing With The Stars, they're going to have special comments about Stacy from HULK HOGAN. Yes, Hulk is finding a way to glom onto the most mainstream popular star WWE has right now."

"This could be the first time in history where TNA future storylines actually look more entertaining than WWE's.I don't believe I just said that. With new stuff like Christian reign,Sting/JJ and the World X cup.Will the brand split draft happen this year again? Let's bring HHH over to Smackdown and Taker to Raw. That would be great on so many levels."

"has anyone seen the former wwe announcer kevin kelly shoot by doi wrestling? I have and i wouldn't recommend it. The picture is grainy,and the interviewer is awful. His accent is annoying and his questions are stupid. Who's the best wrestler today that kind of crap. Rob feinstein has his issuues, but he is a terrific interviewer. Rob or even someone at roh could have done a better job asking questions. The only meaningful thing kevin said is that austin used ghb during his huge run, and he hates kevin dunn,but interviewer didn't ask why. Terrible shoot could have been good if rf or roh were involved."

"Did you just call me a menpausal woman?"

"I wonder if Carlito's pubes are an afro."

"I wouldn't want a blowjob from a rabbit anyway, dude. They have fucked up teeth."

"michelle McCool has the sex appeal of a wet brick."

"GUYS! Don't put the cart in front of the horse! Remember WCW! Creative control is NOT a good thing! Need I remind you guys of Hogan completely killing Sting's momentum at Starrcade 97 when all wrestling logic pointed to the Stinger annihilating Hollywood? Don't jump the gun on this one, active wrestlers should NOT have creative control over their characters!"

"Just curious, have you ever seen any CM Punk match"

"Yep I guess we are going to be seeing long CM Punk matches so all the boys can get there turn with Maria in the back."

"Melina looks like a man. She looks like all the mexican sluts that are the c-team tuesday afternoon Strippers"

"Do you guys think goldberg would be good for tna? I think he would be great for the heavyweight division. hopefully he wouldnt blotch any moves and kill any of the X division guys when he squashed them in 10 seconds..."

"It's fairly obvious what the problem with Tenay is... Instead of perpetuating an image of "wrasslin" for dumb hicks, he elicits images of an audience of magic the gathering fans. Tenay is the uber-nerd. Jarrett may be white trash, but that doesn't cause half the damage that Tenay's dorkiness does."

"I think he's slightly better than Styles overall right now. But when Tenay is at his worst, he's embarrasing to listen to. The screaming, the breathless panting, the LAME lines... 'Damn you Montry Brown!!!' I'm higher on Tenay than I was even a few months ago, but he is a dork. The tux doesn't help. And neither does putting him on camera to 'emote.'"

"Dear Matt Hardy, If you are reading this, quit. Seriously. They will never give you a chance to get over, they will bury you to no end, and no matter what they are paying you, it's not worth risking your life. Join TNA, ROH, or start your own thing again. Hell find something else to do with your life. Vince does not like you, you broke one of his personal rules or codes or something like that and he will never let you live it down. You will never be given a chance to get past some midcard jobber status with a decent pay check. If you truly wish to do something in this business, walk away from the WWE. They will never let you live down their view of you making a mistake. You will need to find a path all your own. WWE will never give you a fair chance again."

"You're trying to argue with someone whose favorite wrestling is Brettttt Harte"

"Outside of the Rumble match, every single singles match Henry has had since coming back has been better than every single singles match Angle has had in the same stretch."

"I would justify signing Goldberg for a million dollars if they had Monty Brown Pounce him like seven times in a row, and Goldberg flew across the ring every time."

"Jackie Gayda has a manly face. She's not attractive at all and this was completely evident right when Tough Enough 2 started. Nobody thought she looked good until she started dressing/acting slutty and wearing lots of makeup."

"I wouldn't say TNA rakes in all the hot advertisers. Granted, few companies probably know they exist since they're so small...but I watch TNA and I see Morphoplex and local porn shop commercials."

"this is how you tell the difference between a mark, and a bussinessman: a mark is someone who would turn down hundreds of thousands of dollars, worldwide fame, and a chance of an agent job in later years(see:Christian); a bussinesman is the kind of guy who would try to make a big online uproar instead of not working TNA for a year (see:Charlie Haas) to get his job back, and in the mean time do a shoot that''s advertised all over, and a "reality" show dvd with shannon moore and jeff hardy, which can be bought through his web site (see: matt hardy)"

"If the girl has any ass hair, I'm gone."

I'll end it here. Leaving on a note about female ass hair is ALWAYS a plus.

Next week, I've got stuff. Lots and lot.... oh who am I kidding.


This is Hyatte