The Midnight News
You know, I checked your latest blogspot writing and I'm getting the faintest idea that you could be a chick that has been laughing her ass off for nearly a decade. I mean, turning it on an being more of a man than Dave RKO Shehrerer. That would explain why you tear into him so much.
I don't really think it's true, but if someone were to pull a scam of these proportions off, it would be you.
What? Just because I explore my... SENSITIVE side it means I'm a CHICK? Oh EAT ME... oh... wait... NO... EAT SOME FAG AND I'LL WATCH AND LAUGH AT YOU... oh... wait... no, not that either...
I ain't no homo! I'm all MAN... I am HYATTE! I am FUCKING HYATTE!!
I'm not proud of that little thing I put in the blogspot... which is why it's GONE... it annoyed certain people... I think. Who knows. Who cares. I'm tired of it. Move on.
Yo, Im a long time reader and I enjoy your work. Im a bit of a wrestling fan and i like reading your things about it, but I think your even better at writing
about other things. Like when you did your Hyatte guide to life ( or something like that, by the way, how do someone get back confidence on himself ? ). So I wanted to ask, do you plan on doing a column some day that would be on another subject than wrestling ? Or maybe to write a book ?
Anyway, keep up the good work.
( pardon my english, or maybe not, at least I learn it )
Ahhh, I don't know about doing anything else. I'm sort of busy doing what I do. I tried doing a non-wrestling column, and was good at it... but it bored me. And I believe there is too many columns out there by people writing about stuff they have no business writing. I have nothing to say.
As for a book? Who knows. Not getting any younger, that's for sure.
hey hows it goin my names Steve Urena and I just want to say I enjoy your writing very much I also write for DOI doing interviews and stuff and I want to say welcome and all.
Thank you Steve. I got to say, this DOI staff is very hospitable. Pretty much everyone welcomed me aboard with open arms. I'm sure they'll snipe my ass away when I throw a hissy fit and leave this place like a thief in the night... as many of my fellow (lesser) writers have done at my last two places.
Anyway, hello nitwits. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Took a break last week but now I'm here and I have overcompensated by STUFFING this week's column with a MASSIVE amount of stuff... probably too much... probably enough to drive you blind... all this heavy reading... wow... get those brains working, children... I'm dropping knowledge! Dropping insight! Dropping.... dropping WISDOM
Off we go...
THE CANDICE SHOP
You've probably seen this by now... but maybe not. In either case, what kind of Superstar Wrestling Writer would I be if I didn't link you up to Candice Michelle's Playboy spread?
Her body is rad... her face is nice. I'd give her a four on my scale of "Fingers I'd Stick Up My Ass Then Lick Them Clean If She Promised Sex" meter. I bet she likes to get spanked and have her hair pulled too.
LETHAL AIN'T HONORABLE
The big BUZZ all over the Indy world is how ROH removed Jay Lethal from any and all bookings. He's finished with them. Gabe laid down the LAW!
Apparently, when that Blizzard we had in the Northeast rolled in during a ROH New York show, TNA called a bunch of their workers to Orlando immediately, because they had this big PPV Sunday and needed everyoner who was scheduled to show up. See, TNA is trying to continue to build itself into something respectable... they can't do it with all these no-shows that they've been dealing with.
Jay Lethal was one of the guys who left... TNA is rewarding him with a big push.
But Gabe Saplosky, who seems to think that ROH is a LOT more important than it really is... didn't like this, so he booted Lethal. OTHER guys who left for Florida, like Homicide, weren't punished...
This is part of a little war betwen TNA and ROH... who haven't really gotten along since Feinstein was caught trying to snuggle with a young boy and then tried to stay with ROH after he officially "resigned"... TNA is in the process of locking up their talent... you, know... like a REAL wrestling company.
Meanwhile... Lethal can still work for JAP wrestling... and Billy Firehawk said he can work for NWA Cyberspace anytime he wants... (Lethal's response, "Fuck that, brother wants to get PAID, jack!")
Again... this is all old news... nicely covered by this site... then quickly stolen by Mike Johnson for PW Insider... (We KNOW what you're doing, Johnson, you little elf-troll!... Go tell Scherer how cut he is and find your own fucking sources... or credit us like Meltzer does... geeko)
Saplosky, of course, whose ego is catching up with his waistline, won't admit WHY he booted Lethal... or admit the TRUTH... instead he has offered the following excuses to a number of different sources:
-"He's black. Duh!"
-"I think he fucked my wife."
-"Caught him going through the lockers looking for wallets."
-"Punk told me to boot him."
-"He was taking all the white rats for himself."
-"I can't trust anyone with cornrows."
-"He was a mole for McMahon"
-"I want to watch as a bunch of white Southern hillbillies try to get this New York black kid over. It'll be a blast."
-"Heyman would've done it."
-"He's guilty of something and I want no part of that."
-"He kept eating my private stash of Twinkies"
-"This is Ring of HONOR, he had some nerve looking for money."
And so on and so forth...
To any and all Indy promoters out there... wake up. TNA is moving forward. As soon as they start a decent House Schedule, all these guys you depend on to front up your shows won't be available. Start looking for new, fresh faces. Be what you're SUPPOSED to be... a farm system. WWE has two farm systems... TNA has none, they don't need to... you Indy guys are doing it for free.
Want a quick business idea? Offer your fed as TNA's version of OVW. Let them send developmentals down there. Abide by their bookings, work WITH them, not against them. it's not too feasible a plan now because TNA is still losing gobs of money hand over fist... but they haven't dropped yet... and there are signs of growth there... and the WWE is vunerable AND they are going overseas more and more. You need a more united front. You need each other or you'll drown out.
There isn't a lot of money to be made in wrestling these days... not outside of McLand... but ROH has figured out a way to turn a profit... now Saplosky needs to adjust to the upcoming new era... or he's toast.
After all, ECW, the measuring stick by which ALL Indys abide by, didn't last ten years.
Time to re-adjust your long-range plans... and no more paying Abyss in Pork Rinds, Firehawk! No more checks that go bouncy, bouncy, bounce bounce...
The good news is that April Hunter is ALWAYS available... and will be for the foreseeable future... book her up quick before she starts demanding a spot for her new boyfriend.
THE LEGEND OF DAVE
The following took place at a reunion show a few months back. You've probably heard of this already...
Yeah... umm... I just want to thank (choaking voice).... each and every one of ya'll (breaking voice, face goes red)... for all you've done to your bodies (choked up... near blubber)... IT'S STILL REAL TO ME, DAMMIT (sobbing).... I'll be (weakly attempts composure).... thank you (sniffles)... thank you all, guys (voice rises again).... you're awesome... thank you so much... Mr Funk.... for sayin' (full blubber, voice goes up three octaves... shouting hysterically) WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID (breaks down in tears).... I don't wanna SEE another one of these.... (mic cuts off)
Somewhere in there, DENNIS CONDREY, of all people, tells him to take it easy.
His name is David Wills, and because of this breakdown... this spectacle, he has been featured on The Jimmy Kimmel show and has been a guest on Brian Alverez's radio show... it showed up on ESPN.com and MSN.com. None of it was positive.
Then the wrestling audince got a hold of him... and he showed up on Brian Alverez's radio show, among others. He is also doing columns for James Guttman's website. He is so enamored with all this adulation that he even opened his own website..
Now the IWC at first made fun of him... but it turned out he is a Torch subscriber... so he posted an explanation on their VIP board:
That clip is of me. I admit it. I honestly didn't realize it was being taped until my comment was over. I justy found last night, this thing was all over the net. I rarely post here and just read somewhat and haven't been able to in a while till last night. I appreciate a lot of the folks opinions as having read Mondavi and Walker's for a while now. Plus being a twenty year fan, and over 12 year subscriber to the torch.
I refering to the Deaths of Wrestlers. I was at the Wrestling in Spartanburg. Funk and the Mid night X had given their bodies for our entertainment over all the years and they now hurt and sometimes can barely walk. and Funk had just got done talking about Eddie Guerrero and how this business kills more folks than a crack house in spartanburg would in 5 yrs.
I do apologize if anyone was offended or embarrased by me crying. Give me a hard time all you want. Laugh at my expense. ( My wife is giving me a hard time about it, but hey I am an emotional guy. ) Call me what you like But Wrestling will never be sports entertainment and will always be real to me..
I got to meet the Barbarian who I have been a fan of for twenty years and get my pic taken with him. I was so happy. I got to see the King Jerry Lawler. I saw Harley and that he is barely be able to walk now adays. I got to see Bill Apter who I gave my money to every tuesday to when I was a kid buying wrestling magazines... I got to talk about drugs and drug abuse with the Good doctor Tom Pritchard. It was an emotional day for me. Both happy and sad.
These folks have broken their bodies for us and folks are dying and sometimes it seems no one cares. I do.
Glad some folks got some humor out of it I guess i was caught up in the emotion but hey, that is what wrestling is all about sometimes.
still a fan and will be forever.
He then posted a follow up..
Prehaps, A little bit over the top I would admit that, but to put that day in perspective.
After seeing Terry Funk, Bobby Eaton, Dennis Corndrey and Jim Cornette earlier in the day, With Funk not being able to get around easily and Dennis and Bobby still getting around, but so much slower after all the injuries. It was difficult listening to Terry talking about all the deaths in the business and how something needs to be done. Eddy G had died earlier that week. Dinsmore was just sent home for drugs. It was emotional and I got caught up in the moment.
For me, Meeting favorites like Konga the Barbarian and Jerry Lawler and Tully Blanchard for the first time. Meeting Dr. tom and Jimmy Valient, Seeing Cornette and Synn again. Getting to hang with Apter when we snuck upstairs to buy Pizza at the consession stand. It was awesome.
Believe me when I say, that for me, there was nothing "fake", "sports entertainment" or "worked" about that day in my life. It was real. I was the fan who picked up wrestling magazines in Middle and high school all over again. Wrestling was the way it was back then. I loved THE SPORT that has been lost in so much of the nonsense they put on TV once again.
Seeing the superstars was emotional and I might have gotten too caught up with the moment, but hey, that is what being a fan to me is all about.
I don't think we will see the same reaction when the stars of today are at these fan fests years from now.I am 31 now and not the kid that fell in love with the sport. I can't see me getting emotional about today's stars to be that way at another fanfest. UNfortunately, if major changes aren't made, we may not have many left to attend fan fests in years to come.
For one day and maybe the only day, I was so happy and so sad. I got to experience the joys of meeting a favorite star and the sadness of the hard reality of seeing so many stars needlessly dying from steroids and other drugs and others having pain and injuries which will last for the rest of their lives. All for our entertainment and enjoyment.
Some folks may poke fun at a "rasslin" fan crying over "fake" wrestlers...
In the greatest sport with the greatest fans, With athletics and drama, with excitement and intrigue, Wrestling may be many things, but one thing it isn't is fake.
It IS still real to me, Dammit.
Dave in Atlanta
Which won over most of the board who were making fun of him. It also ignited a very unsettling love-fest between him and Bruce Mitchell... Dave keeps talking about how his column can only HOPE to aspire to the greatness of Mitchell and Bruce pays him back with the following affirmation...
Wrestling fans could do worse for their stereotype than Dave, an intelligent, knowledgeable guy who cares about the people whose performances give him such pleasure. He's handled this thing with real grace. I thought his column had a lot of heart.
And now... everyone lives happily ever after. Mr Wills turned a lemon into lemonade, scored his own column, won the hearts of hardcore marks EVERYWHERE, and now gets to chit chat about wrestling on radio shows! All is well!
He probably isn't reading this... Mr Wills strikes me as an old schooler who doesn't care about the Indy scene and only follows TRUE wrestling columns... not nonsense like this one. But just in case he does like to troll a bit... that is... if this little cottage industry he's building as the Ultimate Wrestling SuperFan isn't consuming TOO much of his time.. I'd like to thank him.
See, the entire thrust of his breakdown was him thanking the wrestlers for their sacrifice and to show his appreciation. I feel it's only fair that I return the favor...
So Mr. Wills... DAVID.... I'd like to thank you...
-Thank you for being a fan
-Thank you for saying what needed to be said, even though it didn't.
-Thank you for letting your passion erupt unapoligetically
-Thank you for not caring how it looked.
-Thank you for embarrasing yourself so no one else has to.
-Thank you for speaking for ALL of us.
Yup... a true fan. I thank you, Dave!
Oh... and I'd also like to thank you for reminding me why I will never be seen in a wrestling t-shirt.
-I'd also like to thank you for never wanting to talk wrestling anywhere in the outide world.
-I'd also like to thank you for becoming the national symbol for all wrestling fans... a fat, blubbering hillbilly who can't control himself
-I'd also like to thank you for humiliating yourself and not being ashamed of it. No pride.
-I'd also like to thank you for never brushing your teeth. Yup, all wrestling fans have sick, yellow teeth.
-And thanks for making me embarrassed for being a fucking fan.
-Thanks for sucking up to Bruce Mitchell as if he's wrestling's version of SI's Gary Smith.
-Thanks for making a fool out of fans of the business you say you love.
-Thanks for showing the world just how UNcool wrestling still is.
-Thanks for being alive, Dave... big help.
-Thanks for making those veterans feel uncomfortable... you think they liked having you blubber about like that?
-Thanks for giving Jimmy Kimmel some material
-Thanks for being so fucking ignorant that you think you did the business a service.
Now kindly drop dead. You have no business being proud of anything you've done. You've embarrassed us all.
Thanks a bushel... asshole. Get fucked.
A VISITOR FROM THE EAST...
(note: If I have to explain to ANYONE where I am shamelessly ripping this off from...)
Thank you Doctor... and the great DOI orchestra. It's time once again from a visit with... a stranger from the East... the all-knowing, all-seeing, sage, soothsayer, and Billy Firehawk's personal accountant... I give you HYATTE-YAK: THE IMPOSSIBLE!!!
Hyatte-Yak enters, and trips on the raised edge.
Are you okay, O Great One?
I am fine
I hold in my hand a pile of envelopes. A child of four can see they are hermetically sealed, they have been kept in a jar and taped to April's Hunter's taint since noon today NO ONE has seen the contents of the envolopes but you, with your divine powers, will DIVULGE the answer before looking at the question...
Are you ready, Hyatte-Yak?
Taped to April Hunter's taint
Where only God could get it.
Since noon today
... I understand this new audience scrolls quite a bit through this column, I suggest you get to it!
Scrolling past brilliance, indeed O Illuminant One
Give me the first envelope.
THE FIRST ENVELOPE
Hyatte-Yak must have ABSOLUTE silence!
Many times Hyatte-Yak GETS absolute silence
.... May your fairy tale dream girl yell at you for asking for a phonecall
puts envelope to forehead
Made in Taiwan
MADE IN TAIWAN!!
What will Gail Kim be doing after TNA folds?
HAHAHAHAHA HE IS HYATTE-YAK!!! THE MAGNIFICENT!!!!!
May Rob Feinstein be your son's Sex Ed teacher
HAHAHAH HEYOOO.... THE NEXT ENVELOPE
puts envelope to forehead
What happened the only time Wade Keller tried to fuck a woman?
HO HO HO HOOOOOOO HE COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT!! BRILLIANT, OH EVIL ONE
puts envelope to forehead
What was Trish's excuse after she went down on Victoria during her period?
HIYOOOOOOO DIVA DOWN, OH BITTER ONE!!! HEYOOOOOOOOO
May your only daughter start dating Slyk Wagner Brown
HAHAHAHAHAHAAA.... THE WIT IS ALIVE! HOOOOOO
puts envelope to forehead
Ric Flair, The RAW locker room, and Billy Firemark
RIC FLAIR.... THE RAW LOCKER ROOM.... AND BILLY FIREMARK....
Who is broke, who is on coke, and who is a joke?
HEY.... HEY NOW!!! KAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA
May your girlfriend point out that Samoa Joe is in better shape than you
May she be right.
May she starts calling you "JOE" in bed!
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA HILARITY CUBED, O PATHETIC ONE
puts envelope to forehead
Name the official excuse when a fat guy dies by falling asleep with a cheeseburger in his mouth
HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW.... NO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD.... OH CANTAKOROUS ONE!!
May you become hellbent on wrecking a great future
HA HA HAaaa... huh? I don't get that one, O Vague One
Inside joke... gimme the fucking envelope
THE NEXT ENVELOPE
May you get stuck sharing a cab with Frank Goodman
puts envelope to forehead
What did the teacher say when Joe asked where do all the ugly wrestlers with bitch tits come from?
HI... HI... HIHOOOOOOOOOO!! THEY CAME FROM SAMOA, JOE! HEYOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
May you watch Dan Hevia steal every gimmick you've ever had!
puts envelope to forehead
Where does the Blue Meanie keep all those useless 3PW tickets?
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IN HIS TICKET CELLAR!! HE'S GOT HUNDREDS OF THEM!!! HEYOOOOOOOOOOO
puts envelope to forehead
I have a brain tumor
I.... HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR....
What just beat "I lost my smile" as the best excuse to drop a title without jobbing?
HAW HAW HAW HAW!! SINFUL, O EVIL ONE!!
May you actually start thinking that Trish Stratus likes you
HYATTE SUCKS... HEYOOOOO.
May your only daughter find Mike Johnson hot!
May you be in charge of handing out the NWA Cyberspace checks
HEYOOO... LOOKIT THEM BOUNCE!! HOOOOOOO
May April Hunter ignore you
HO... HO... HEYOOOOOOO
puts envelope to forehead
I've been Punk'd
I'VE.... BEEN PUNK'D
What will Stephanie say when her baby looks nothing like Helmsley!
HAHAHAHAHAHHAAA HE'S HUMPING THEM ALL!!! O' ENVIOUS ONE
May Abyss refuse to work for you
puts envelope to forehead
Saturday Night's Main Event
SATURDAY NIGHTS.... MAIN.... EVENT
What does Hyatte call the part of his weekend when he opens the baby oil and plays his "Best of Shannon Tweed" tape?
HAHAHAHAW HAW HAW HAW.... RIP ROARING HILARITY, O HILAROUS ONE
May Dr Black accidentally switch your urine sample with Marty Jannetty's
May Rodney Mack be the only star who will work for you
I hold in my hand the LAST envelope
May The Blue Meanie start giving you advice on how to succeed in wrestling
May Maven demand cash up front before showing up.
May your girlfriend spend more time talking to a homo in a wheelchair than with you
Let's wrap this up, O Rambling One
puts envelope to forehead
CM Punk, Dana Dameson, and Eddie's death
CM PUNK.... DANA DAMESON..... AND EDDIE'S DEATH
Name a Skinny Runt, a Chubby Cunt, and a Ratings Stunt
I AM HYATTE-YAK!!! FAREWELL
FAREWELL, HYATTE-YAK... FAREWELL!!... and now... a few words from our friends at Coors... BEACHWOOD Aged!
That was fun!
SCHERER AND SCHERER ALIKE: THE AFTERMATH
After three weeks of dissecting Dave Scherer's wonderblogs, including his two part "How I turned my body into a work of art", Dave Scherer has done the following:
Any new blogs? Nope. Has he put up a picture of his new UnGodly chiseled temple, to to contrast with this one? To treat us to a before and after comparison? Nope.
NO new blogs? Is it possible that after writing about his transformation into SuperDave, which he has been dying to do for two years, that he has nothing left? Is it possible that he created the idea of "Blogging" SPECIFICALLY so he could write about how he overcame all odds and achieved the impossible? Which is something I KNEW he was doing and TOLD you so?
Think he read this? Well, Mike Johnson reads DOI to see what he needs to report about Indy wise... lots of people read DOI to keep up with the wrestling news Meltzer hardly pays attention to and Keller is clueless about. Think my dissection got to him?
Basically, what I'm asking is... did I ruin SuperDave's gimmick and embarrass him a little?
Heh.... I may not be the world famous Internet Hooligan I was 6 years ago, but still have the ability to ruin people's weeks. I still can bring the shame.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*In France, the Big Dipper is called "The Casserole".*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
I've never watched it on TV. DVD! That's the only way I watch it. Greatest show ever, and they know it and they are cocksuckers about it. Look at them. They hold the fucking show from TV for so long. Dangling it in front of us, but never delivering. Taking their time, like they have something better to do. And why is Stevie Van Zandt there? Ugly asshole. Who thought he'd be any good? Bad actor, bad bassist, bad wig. Fuck him. I watch the DVDs All the seasons. Then you see the genius there. Then you see why it's such a good show. Making us wait two years for a new season. Fuck that. James Gandolfini can wake up dead in a cab.
Flea: whose weekends start on Tuesdays and end on Sundays
Next Sunday, the new season. Fuck TNA, I'm watching Tony and the boys do Italian shit!
CLEAN LIVING WITH WADE KELLER
I honestly don't have too much to say about the new WWE Wellness Program, other than a whole bunch'a mid-carders better embrace the wonders of Joe Weider protein powder and Jolt cola in order to keep those muscles big and to stay awake while on the road... I hear Red Bull is good for that too.
Safe to say anyone holding a title... or chasing a title... yeah, they don't have much to worry about.
But what I found terribly interesting was PW Torch editor's Wade Keller reaction.
First and foremost... as a guy who skulks around the Torch VIP message board (and getting those idiots all riled at me is REALLY like shooting fish in a barrel), I can tell you a little about Wade Keller... such as...
*He might be gay
*I don't think he has much of a sex life
*He says "gosh" a LOT
*He is a conservative and doesn't really know it.
*He is terrified of offending anyone
*If this was the 1950's, everyone would call him a "square"
*He has no fashion sense whatsoever
*He cares what Dave Scherer thinks of his board (true)
*He loves what he does
It doesn't get any straighter than Wade Keller, other than that gay theory that I merely speculate on and have no evidence in either case.
So imagine my SHOCK when... on the day after the WWE announces its "Wellness Program" Wade does a 34 minute audio show... 34 minutes... and he kicks off this news audio show by talking about the Wellness Program...
And of course, seeing how its a huge story, he spends over half of the audio about it....
But this is what blew my mind... he touched on the actual particulars, but the main THRUST of his diatribe was a LECTURE on how WWE Superstars, who want to survive the rigors of the road and to stave off the pain... can smoke pot.
And he went on...
And on... about the wonders of pot.
For 19 minutes of a 34 minute audio, Wade carried on about pot.
No, I'm not even kidding. I checked... TWICE... for 19 minutes, actually 15 minutes when you erase the talk about what the Program really covers, all he did was preach on about how pot can cure all... how pot can save the wrestlers... how pot can help!
The funny part... THEY HARDLY MENTIONED MARIJUANA IN THE WHOLE MANIFESTO!
Here... this is what got the little hamster in Wade's brain hitting the treadwheel...
(2) Tests for violation of this Policy for alcohol and marijuana shall be on the basis of reasonable cause only.
B. Random Testing
With respect to all substances and drugs prohibited by this Policy except alcohol and marijuana, which will be tested only if reasonable cause exists to do so, WWE Talent will be subject to unannounced testing at any time, as determined by the PA. WWE may require Talent to submit to a test or tests, including, without limitation, urine, blood, saliva and/or hair in a random selection program. The random selection program conducted throughout the year will result in all Talent being tested on average four times and at least twice but may result in more frequent testing due to the random selection process. WWE Talent placed into the follow-up random testing program will be tested more frequently than four times per year.
And Keller read that... and Keller RAN with it... for 19 minutes straight...
But the truly, the TRULY funny part is... right before he got going on the miracle of weed... he said, "Now I DO NOT condone the use of pot! I am NOT advocating anyone to use it if they don't have to..."... then he got on his soapbox and went off... safely assured that he has avoided any potential legal ramifications
The moral of this story... EVERYONE has a skeleton in their fucking closet... EVERYONE.
Wade Keller is a pothead... heh heh heh... go figure
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Eh... not feeling it this week. How about we end with an old favorite...
TAKE US HOME, HONKY
To celebrate the New Year, your friend and mine the Honky Tonk Man decided to do a bang-out final, year-end audio where he... well, he cackled a lot and made fun of a whole lot of his contemporaries and made it clear that he was relatively happy in his career as a former WWF-Superstar cum High Priced Independant worker.
The audio was about 20 minutes long... and after a solid rant, he fielded some e-mail questions. His answers range from hilarious to informative... I thought I'd close by sharing them...
Here's his site. Go there only if you have no fear of Pop-Ups and various Spyware invaders (Honky used to charge admission to get in but no one was payin'... and the brother has GOT to make his money...
Question: What do you think is your biggest mistake in wrestling?
Ahh, gosh, probably not being as politically correct as I should'a been was a big mistake. Ahhh, probably walking out on some terrritories when I should have stayed and got the money that those assholes owed me. Yeah Jarrett, Lawler, Puerto Rico... uh huh.
Question: Do you think it was a mistake going to WCW?
No it wasn't a mistake going to WCW. It was mistake was listening to that sorry-ass Eric Bischoff when he was promising me a contract... uhh.. you know that was a mis... you know sometimes you believe things you know its like... the boyfriend who.. who tells the girl he loves her when really... he... he don't really love her, he loves the moment he's gonna have when he's making love to her maybe. I don't know. That's... that's the kind of stuff Jake Roberts talks about...(lowers his voice and makes it husky) ooh yeah... jake roberts.
Question: Do you think it was a mistake trusting your lawyer at the time who sent your notice to the wrong person in the WWE when you left back in 1990-91.
You know that's come back to haunt me and bite me on the ass a whole bunch of times because I really thought the lawyer was on top of the game and I really thought he knew what he was doing and he did know and he DID send the notice to the right person. It just so happened that person had gone on Christmas vacation when he sent the notice so that notice laid on the guy's desk for three weeks before MacMahon ever had a chance to get it. I thought the notice would'a went directly to MacMahon because here I am... I'm a very popular figure I'm having to do television from Madison Square Garden I'm... doing commentary with Daffy Duck Roddy Piper.... you know Pipernut... another crack head. But... I figured well if I send the notice they'll take it right across to MacMahon right away and tell him and I'll get some response and maybe we... we can negotiate something. Well, what happens is.. MacMahon gets to the Garden and a week or so later he founds out I don't show up and he don't know anything about the notice! So, when he did call me about it I said, "I did send in my notice a week ago, you didn't get it?" He said, "What notice?" Anyway, it was sent to a guy named Dick Glover who was in charge of that stuff back then. Dick Glover now since moved on to... I think he went to... ESPN God only knows where TV people go.
Question: Do you think it was a bad thing going back to the WWE not knowing that you would be involved with that Rock-A-Billy angle?
Well at that point in time... after being off TV for 6 or 7 years... ANY kind of television is good and I told my wife when they called... and they... when I got the contract and it didn't have any money on it... she said, "Well what are you gonna do?" and I said any publicity at this point is good publicity because when you do Independant work, like I'd been doing... if you're on television it just makes your phone start to ring again.
Question: Did Vince or Pat Patterson every try to change the Honky Tonk Man gimmick?
YES. But not so much Vince... Vince gave me that stupid... I gave him the idea for the Shake, Rattle, and Roll for the neckbreaker he gave me the stupid swing 'em three times then let 'em go and... and you start swinging a guy and the guy's got his... head down between his legs and he starts swinging three times he gets all dizzy and drunk... doesn't know where he's going so that was a big problem with... for that particular finish which caused me problems later on. Pat Patterson did come to me one time in Montreal and said you know I got this great idea... I... I can just see you, because at the point they were pushing Rick Rude and.... and uh he was the Inter-Continental champion and... uhh... ah... at the time he said you're gonna go over and do commentary and I can see you sitting at the commentary table and there's Rick Rude dancing in front of you and doing all these gestures to you and you just say that's enough I've had enough of it and... you just turn babyface and jump up and start... beating up on Rick Rude. Pat Patterson with his big smile on his face and I'm thinking Yeah, turn me Baby... every time you turn someone into those baby blues in the WWE or the WWF... that's your death wish... you might as well sign off... you might as well pack your bags and leave because you're pretty much gone. So I decided to take a walk... I stayed gone for a couple of days then came back... but I never turned a babyface gimmick like they wanted.
Question: Who's ass would you like to kick if you could kick anyone's ass right now?
Well of course it's gotta be Eric Bischoff. I mean... if I ever see this guy... sooner or later I'm gonna run across him... and he and I... I'm just gonna... I... I... I'm gonna find out how tough Kung Fu really is... 'cause... I'ma... I'ma gonna plant one right up his ass he won't be able to dig out with a backhoe I can promise you that.
Question: Can credibility ever be brought back to the IC title?
I say no. I've said it before... when you have Austin take it 'n throw it in the river... then you have it uhh... a lady win it... and she's out kicking guys in the nu... how ca... how can she kick a guy in the nuts how come a guy can't kick her between the legs? Come on.
Question: Any comments on TNA?
Well I have no comments on TNA... personally... I... I... I mean I... I personally don't like to cover them at all... there are some of the guys on the website that believe well we might as well give them some press... but if you look back at my stuff you know that I don't cover them. Will they succeed... I say no... not if the Jarretts are in control of the money... whoever these people are in Texas that opened their wallets up to the Jarretts have to be complete idiots... I mean... they'd be better off in Vegas with that money I can tell you that.
Question: Will Ted Turner ever run again?
Absolutely not... I don't think so.
Question: Are they keeping Paul Heyman around just so he won't run again?
Abso... Paul Heyman doesn't have a pot to piss in... he doesn't have a... trailer park window to throw it out of... and that's something too... here's a guy who stiffed all those guys... goes back gets a good payday from the WWE and those guys are working now... some of them are out in the independents now... they aren't even working for the WWE anymore... Heyman still owes them money! Why don't they kick his ass... I don't understand that.
I tried to nail exactly HOW he spoke... he sometimes likes to leave sentences unfinished... as if his mouth cannot keep up with his superfast MIND (or he's drunk, either one).
Man is a classic.
Ahhh, let's see... next week I half-assed the TNA PPV which I won't be watching (Sopranos, yo!)... ANNND... hmm, let's see...
Oh OKAY! Next week, I'm DEFINITELY doing two big stories... here are the titles:
1) True Love: The Ballard of April and JD
2) The Triumphant Return of Dana Dameson
Should be a gas...
This is Hyatte