The Midnight News
Hello monkeys. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. No letters, no preamble, not much of an intro. I'm giving you a Mop-Up (sort of) one big news story, a nice opinion piece, some usual segments, and a fun closer which you'll like, if you didn't read it the first time I posted it two years ago. And that's it. Over-booked column. I went nuts.
Let's get to it.
SATURDAY'S ALRIGHT FOR FIGHTING (just no one's gonna watch it)
And after 15 years, NBC decided to give the WWE another shot on network TV (UPN don't count) and bring back Saturday Night's main Event...
... and it tanked. COPS beat it, for chrissakes...
3.2... on a night where it's mostly repeats. Okay, College Hoops was on... but that's almost as big a niche audience as rasslin' (only you can BET on coolege hoops... other than that, why bother watching?).
And I liked the WWE's plan. They wanted to RE-introduce the top stars from 1999 to the casual fans who stopped watching after the Stone Cold Era ran it's course. It wasn't to win over new fans with a 15 minute Cruiserweight exhibition... it was to tell a bunch of entertaining STORIES and show everyone what they've been missing for the last 6 years.
Yeah sure, WRESTLING fans were pissed and dissappointed, but let's face it... most of you all are simpletons. You want WRESTLING? Buy a DVD. This is about a TV SHOW. Sorry, but it was the best strategy they could have for such a high-profile opportunity.
And it bombed... no, it BOMBED. It didn't bomb becauser it didn't have enough WRESTLING. It bombed for the same reason why Spike TV changed its mind about giving TNA a prime time spot and instead moved it to a worse timeslot than it has now.
It bombed because there is NO wrestling "resurgence" yet. Wrestling isn't making the big comeback everyone thinks its making. It's still in the cultural hole it's been stuck in for the last 5 years. New fans aren't coming in and old fans aren't coming back. John Cena isn't saving shit.
Sorry... but the GOOD news is that I'm here and i feel like making fun of the damn show... so I'm going to Mop-'er-Up. Ready? Good.
-Shawn Micheals appears and promises Vince that "if I'm going to hell, I'm taking your SON WITH ME..." (Holy cow! Shawn and Shane are going to work the Indy circuit? Why?)
-HHH introduces himself and says he's the "King of Kings"... I promise have the audience was too busy staring at that DEEP wrinkle in his brow to pay attention to what he was yammering on about.
-When did Hunter's eyes get so friggin' BEADY? Look at those things. Little black pits now.
-Boy ain't aging well.
-Cena got involved in Hunter's promo. He gets less over every week.
-JBL, who seems to have made the Doctor throw in a quick eye-lift while fixing his broken hand, has a list of all the bad things he's done in his life. If you hit pause you can see #22: Fucked Lita and told Matt it was Copeland, #23: Told Brock that he'd make a great football player, #24: Injected Cowboy Bob with Hepatitus, #25 Posted our salaries online, #26: Told Eddie one more snort wouldn't kill him, #27: Pushed Owen. The man is a rib MASTER!
-The Boogey Man was there specifically to make people who don't take this nearly as seriously as any of you do point and laugh.
-They broke out an old P.O.D song, BOOM.... here comes the BOOM for an opening theme. They should use it for Raw from now on. It's killer. Gets the heart going. Gets the blood pumping. Plus P.O.D. can't POSSIBLY ask for a heavy residual.
-Trish Stratus, who worked her ass off to be the best chick wrestler alive today, is shown showing a bikini-covered tit in the intro. And later is shown holding up her belt... but mostly is shown showing off her tit. Almost heartbreaking
-Jim Ross is completely THRILLED to be back and brings forth the ENERGY. Jerry Lawler and Tazz are flanking him and they are thrilled too. He welcomes us to Detroit... in a building filled with white people. They bussed them in from Canada.
-They shove the Game, Triple H out there right off the bat.... it's the WWE's way of telling the audience who are wondering where the repeat of Law & Order is: "DON'T TURN THE CHANNEL!!! LOOK, A BIG STAR FROM 1999!! DON'T YOU REMEMBER???"
-HHH doesn't care about network time contraints... he's going to amble his ass to the ring and he ain't speeding up for ANYONE... and will he eat up precious time by pausing every step to glare at... whatever the hell he glares at when he does these things? Bet'cha ASS!!
-HHH drank his water, spat it out, roared, then spat again... this isn't doing the company any favors as THOUSANDS of people who haven't laid eyes on hiom since the turn of the century just shook their heads and muttered, "Jesus, the only thing new with this guy is that gay kustache and all those wrinkles!"
-Out comes John Cena... who is BOOED OUT OF THE BUILDING. He ignores them. He's fighting for the hatas and the chain gang alike!
-really... this is DETROIT... they barely accepted Eminem, and he needed Dr Dre to get over. They AIN'T going for the WRESTLING version of the great White Rapper... of COURSE they'd boo this guy out of the state... he didn't even bring any black dudes with him to say, "Chill, homie be down!"
-I mean really... was Kid N Play too busy to help Cena out here? Come ON...
-Kurt Angle comes out. Kurt Angle has gotten smaller. Much smaller. Now what could have caused this. I wonder.
-Rey Mysterio came out. Jim Ross called him "An absolute marvel at 5'6 and 170 pounds" (??? Wow... that's the same height and weight of the chick I banged last night. Banged her RUDELY too... booya.)
-And out comes Randy Orton... acting like Smackdown didn't start getting good until he showed up to save it. He would be right about that too.
-Cena attacks Orton from behind. The crowd told him he sucks. Hunter looked around, then started hitting his head on the turnbuckle muttering, "How am I gonna get this asshole over, for Fuck's sake!"
-The building get awfully smokey... it's not residue from the pyro either, it's just a lot of weed. It's Detroit's way of keeping the blacks from rioting.
-Angle is tagged in and starts suplexing everything in sight. This is a sure-sign that he's only working a few minutes tonight then is going to quietly stand in his corner and try to get feeling back in his hands. THE WWE PUTS TALENT WELFARE FIRST, BY GOD!!
-An annoyed Tazz tells Lawler to put his joke book away. This is coming from a guy who's main gimmick is to talk about some dago named "Joey Numbers".
-HHH and Rey go at it and Rey's head nearly comes from from a clothesline. Jim Ross gets over-excited and screams, "AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!!!" Then we are sent off to our first set of...
-commercials. Denzel Washington stars in Spike Lee's Inside Man. Worth going to only to see if we get Denzel the Actor or Denzel the Star who wants to phone it in for a juicy paycheck to buy a bigger condo in the Poconos. You never know with DW.
-You think that Online Poker site could've ever gotten a commercial spot on Friends? Or even Scrubs? Or even Las Vegas?
-Back to action... HHH tossed Rey Rey around then yelled at Cena, "I TELL YOU TO DO IT, YOU DO IT!!"... the funny part is... he was shooting! He just didn't know the cameras were back on!
-Cena was back in it and had Orton. He wagged his hand in front of his face and said, "You can't see me!"... then someone in the crowd fired a gun and the bullet nicked his ear. Cena ducked and shouted, "PLAY ALONG, HOMIES!!" Another bullet. Cena refused to surrender and shouted, "COME ONNN... WORD LIFE, MY BROTHAS!".... someone threw a hatchet at him. Cena smiled good naturedly. Someone fired a land to air missle at him. Vince charged out and shouted, "WRAP THIS UP, YOU ASSHOLE!"
-Hunter went babyface by giving Cena the Pedigree. Then rolled Orton on top of him. Mysterio pulled Orton off. HHH Pedigreed Rey. Angle clotheslined Hunter out of the ring. Orton gave Angle and RKO. Orton slid around the ring on his knees behind Cena as Cena staggered up. Cena got in an FU and pinned Orton. Desperate, they showed stock footage from the last SNME from 15 years ago of people cheering. They would have gotten away with it were it not for the sign that read, "MARRY ME, ELIZABETH!"
-Ross screamed that NBC hasn't been this HOT since Don Johnson taught us all how to smoke cigarettes and sent us off to some more...
-Wrestlemania is coming, and we get to see the lineup
-Ross runs down the Hall of Fame roster for this year. Austin is introducing Hart JUST so the crowd will be ready to scream, "WHAT" after every sentence in Bret's acceptance speech. That Vince is fucking EVIL, I tell ya.
-Booker T is backstage with his wife and is in great pain. He complains to Teddy Long that he was minding his bidness when all of the sudden he heard a SNAP... and his knee went out. Then he moaned. And screamed and moaned some more. If he had 30 more seconds he would've screamed, "OHHH LAWWWWD!" Teddy dismissed him from wrestling the Boogy Man tonight. Booker and Sharmel limped out... then started to laugh when their backs were away from Teddy.
-A black man who fakes an injury to get out of work? Who thinks up THAT fantasy nonsense?
-Edge and Lita come out. Lita had on one of her very popular titty shirts and some HEAVY make-up. Jeeze, why start now?
-Edge has the ring filled with hardcore items in order to remind Mick Foley of just who he is. Or who he USED to be. (umm, a former broke mid-carder who killed himself for 15 years before he stumbled upon a writing career?)
-Edge said the NEW Mick Foley now "Dances around the ring with a sock puppet in his hand". (HEY, I paid a hooker to do that just last week)
-Foley waddles out... with a BAG!!! Might have cheeseburgers in it. No, really... he's getting bad here.
-Edge lights a table on fire in front of Foley. In a cool spot, we see Mick LAUGH at the fire before the flames block ourt view of him. Someone puts out the table be....
And that's as far as I got before it got ridiculously late and I had to get some sleep... then I ran out of the energy to continue doing it.
DESPITE THIS BIG WAGE THEY ARE STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE
Not sure if you've seen this... it's making it's way around the Message boards but no one really broke it down... until now.
SOMEONE... not sure who and no one knows why, posted a list of salaries that the WWE wrestlers made from October 2004 to last month... the last 16 months.
And before ANYONE could cry, "BULLSHIT"... along came Dave Meltzer who said that while he can't actually CONFIRM it... he thinks it looks pretty damn accurate.
And then Wade Keller chimed in on his own message board and agreed that it looks like it could be legit, knowing what he knows.
Dave Scherer, of course, was too busy bragging about how much he benched last week to even comment on it.
It's a cool list... with about 90% of the talent listed. No one in management, just the talent, including the perks that some of them get..
SO... I thought I'd break it down for you. From the top money makers to the people who even scrubs like YOU make more than. It's completely fascinating and HIGHLY controversial. If this isn't ignored, it's gonna raise a LOT of hell.
And, naturally, I threw in some WIT! Just a touch.
The Millionaire's Club
01) Triple H: $2,013,000 (Allowed the personal use of company jet (10) times per year. First class flight tickets, hotel accommodations, and ground transportation paid for every week) - Holy cow!?! Who's he fucking?
02) The Undertaker: $1,811,000 (First class flight tickets, hotel accommodations, and ground transportation paid for every week)- And it's all gimmick. 100%. Only Hulk Hogan did better.
03) John Cena: $1,743,000 (First class flight tickets, hotel accommodations, and ground transportation paid for every week)- And like it or not, the little fucker earns every penny. He just doesn't say no. He'll work your kid's birthday party if you ask. I doubt he even remembers how to get to his house.
04) Shawn Michaels: $1,045,000 (First class flight tickets, hotel accommodations, and ground transportation paid for every week)- You just KNOW that when the collection plate comes his way every Sunday, HBK's breaks out the singles
05) Kurt Angle: $1,023,000 (First class flight tickets paid for every week)- He's saving for the most expensive full-bodied wheelchair in history.
06) The Big Show: $1,000,000 (Base salary)- This is why Vince looks at him and thinks, "You fat piece of shit, how DARE you take advantage of me when Turner was bleeding me dry!"
The High Rollers
07) Kane: $851,000 (First class flight tickets paid for every week)- All that money, you'd think he'd learn how to kiss a girl like a man.
08) Batista: $813,000 (First class flight tickets paid for every week)- Not bad for a guy who tears a new muscle every other Friday
09) JBL: $786,000 (Five star hotel accommodations paid for every week)- He should get more and train Heels on proper promos/ I LOVE the 5 star Hotel clause... it's living the gimmick just like when Vince used to give Ted DiBiase a stack of $100's every week just so he'd never have to break a $5.
10) Randy Orton: $711,000 (First class flight tickets paid for every week). He can afford high-end cock with that sort of bank
11) Edge: $704,000- He could do better than Lita with this.
12) Trish Stratus: $618,000 (Receives 20% of all Trish Stratus merchandise sold)- Another PR machine who's worth every penny. And it PAYS to have had a trademarked career before signing a WWE contract. Jusat think, some day I'm going to get to have sex with this girl. DEAL WITH IT, MARK-BOYS!!
13) Ric Flair: $508,000 (First class flight tickets paid for every week)- That's all??? Good Lord! This man REALLY needs to make friends with some Jews.
14) Chris Benoit: $488,000 (First class flight tickets paid for every week). Anyone who thinks he should be making more is a moron. This is just about right for a guy who never met a promo he couldn't ruin.
15) Rey Mysterio Jr: $414,000- He gets paid in pesos
Still makes more money than YOU'LL ever see in your life
16) Christian: $396,000- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Now TNA gives him $3'000 a month and free McDonalds. No WONDER he's phoning in his matches.
17) Booker T: $375,000- He made more in a year robbing fast food joints.
18) Eddie Guerrero: $372,000- Poor shnook
19) Shelton Benjamin: $366,000- Spends most of this on his white rats
20) Matt Hardy: $322,000 (Missed over $70,000 of pay due to firing)Yeah, boo hoo... poor Matt has to job now. Boo hoo.
21) Carlito: $319,000- And he still doesn't pop for a decent Gym membership. IF YOU CAN PROMO, YOU CAN WRITE YOUR OWN TICKET!!
22) Mark Henry: $300,000 (Base pay)- He padded that when he worked as King Kong's stunt double.
23) Gene Snitsky: $292,000- Now this is just wrong.
24) Rene Dupree: $289,000- For this sort of scratch, I'D blow Patterson too.... and I'd blow him WELL.
25) Lita: $286,000 (Mostly downside paid due to lack of wrestling). She can thank Stratus for most of this.
26) Gregory Helms: $277,000- You'd think he'd smile more with this sort of scratch.
27) Victoria: $275,000- Another one who better be saving as much as she can. She ain't getting any younger and if she keeps stiff kicking Trish in the face...
28) Torrie Wilson: $260,000- Kidman blows most of this on Playstation games these days.
29) Chris Masters: $253,000- This will get smaller in proportion with Master's steroid free shrinking body, I imagine.
30) William Regal: $225,000- See what being a world-class suck-up can get you?
31) Rob Van Dam: $220,000 (Only received downside and royalties due to injury). This isn't right. When he's healthy and working, he should be in the $600K range
32) Bob Holly: $217,000- Ohhhh if he sees this he's gonna be PISSED.
33) Val Venis: $210,000- Living proof that being semi-over is all you need
34) Chavo Guerrero: $206,000- I don't expect this to last.
35) Jerry Lawler: $204,000 (First class flight tickets, hotel accommodations, and ground transportation paid for every week). Probably thrilled with this. God Bless the King.
35) Eugene: $189,000- He's got some nerve being depressed over having to play a retard 24/7
36) Rob Conway: $186,000- Another one who better be stuffing his mattress
37) Nunzio: $186,000- Him too
38) Stacey Keibler: $178,000 (Only downside paid during absence)- No wonder she can't wait to leave.
39) Paul London: $177,000- The only dopwnside to this is that Lo Ki asshole is always asking him for a loan.
40) Jonathon Coachman: $175,000- WHAT?!?!?
41) Melina: $155,000- She'll be making more soon.
42) Orlando Jordan: $145,000- He won't
43) Johnny Nitro: $143,000- Heh, he makes Melina pick up the bar tab.
44) Joey Mercury: $134,000- Heh, he makes Christie Hemme pick up the bar tab.
45) Ken Kennedy: $133,000- He'll be making a LOT more soon enough.
46) Simon Dean: $132,000- He'll be making a LOT less soon enough.
47) Ashley Massaro: $131,000- That's about right.
48) Viscera: $130,000- That's not.
49) Danny Basham: $130,000- FOR WHAT????
50) Tyson Tomko: $127,000- And you KNOW he blows most of this at the strip clubs.
51) Doug Basham: $126,000- FOR WHAT?????
52) Funaki: $124,000- Who's this asshole?
53) Psicosis: $122,000- Yeah but part of this comes from cutting McMahon's lawn.
54) Lance Cade: $118,000- I bet he stares at his check every two weeks and says, "How did this happen?"
55) Rosey: $105,000- About right.
56) Steven Richards: $94,000- Not bad for a guy who stayed at home for almost a year now.
57) Lilian Garcia: $90,000- Jeeze girl, why the long face?
And can't afford to leave Mom and Dad's house
58) Mickie James: $72,000- In a year she'll quadruple this.
59) Candice Michelle: $64,000- Her too, unless she gets fired.
60) Kid Kash: $62,000- Overpaid.
61) Jillian Hall: $52,000- At least she'll never be able to over-eat.
62) Trevor Murdoch: $48,000- Now this guy has an excuse not to get a gym membership.
63) Matt Striker: $43,000- HA, Bruce Mitchell makes more!
64) Maria: $41,000- HAHAHAHA... and CM Punk STILL has to let her pick up the tab!
I hope you noticed which brand MOST of the high-paid talent works for...
And the dumb thing is, people are actually feeling BAD for these people. Whining about how rentals and hotel bills cut deep into their checks...
Rent a Miata and stay at the Motel 6 and you can STILL buy a nice house. Put away the fucking Violins. This is some serious money being paid out here... and for many of these people, it's for only ten minutes worth of work a night.
Basically, these people are getting paid to drive, work-out, and wrestle for about 20 minutes a night four nights a week. And then they get to be on TV. Oh, and if they get to work a match on PPV, it's a special bonus check.
Put the friggin' collection hat away. If they work smart, they can make out big.
Yeah, I see this and I'm not exactly crying a river. Seems to me that Vince is paying them well.
WAAAAAH... WAAAAH... blah.
Amid the alleged comedy in this week's offering, I'd like to toss in a bit of serious opining, if I may...
One thing I've learned, after YEARS of nosing around the web, is the painfully obvious fact that Hulk Hogan is HATED among Internet Hardons.
Me? I like the guy, always have, always will. Oh sure, when he's given a fat full-time contract and takes advantage of his no-compromise "creative control" clause for months on end, the schtick gets kind of tiring, but EVERYONE'S schtick gets tiring after they've been doing it for 15 years (it's why I keep changing sites and hooking up to new audiences).
Of course, I'm a New Englander, so I'm biased. I live smack dab in the middle of WWE Country, ground zero for McMahon's 80's marketing plan.
So it bugs me when hillbilly, Mid-Atlantic raised southern boys (Bruce Mitchell), Canadian would-be know-it-alls (Scooter Keith), and arrogant, cocky, Jersey fuckfaces (Dave Scherer... who seems to have been sufficiently BITCHSLAPPED and TRAINED by my verbal beatdowns of the last few weeks), and when goofy, Meltzer cock-sucking message board posters make snotty little comments about Hogan, even though Hogan could buy and sell them with his sofa change.
So, in the interest of fairness, I thought I'd run down some LEGIT good things about Hulk Hogan. Things that hopefully make him a little less scummy to your work-rate loving eyes.
THE HULKSTER AIN'T SO BAD BECAUSE...
-He's a good father. His kids seem well adjusted and normal.
-He's been with the same woman for over 20 years and they seem happy.
-He's a good friend.
-His family comes first.
-He's open with his kids and talks to them, not at them.
-He maintains a healthy lifestyle.
-He tried to get us to honor God and stay healthy as kids.
-If you hurt his friends, then you hurt his pride.
-He was never on the front page of the newspaper in handcuffs.
-He never made it into the Tabloids with stories about him checking into Hotels with three rats dressed as Girl Scouts.
-He's never been caught with cocaine.
-He allowed wrestlers in his company to get wealthy by working the houses with them.
-His movies, while bad, were clean, cheerful, and family-oriented.
-He never joined the hurch of Scientology
-He taught Shawn Michaels a lesson in hard-core locker room politics, and gave him a much needed dose of payback for sins commited in the 90's.
-He never embarrassed himself of the sport during mainstream interviews.
-He put over Brock Lesnar, the Rock, and Kurt Angle and hasn't yet tried (figuredoutaway) to get revenge
-He righted a wrong by getting a pin on the Ultimate Warrior.
-He participated in the Jake Roberts DVD and didn't put himself over in it.
-He was the one guy no promoter can take advantage of.
-He gave Bubba the Love Sponge a career.
-He hasn't yet written a tell-all exposing the REAL secrets of wrestling.
-He let Jeff Jarrett put over TNA with a guiter shot to his head.
-He never tried a toupee
-He can tell Vince McMahon to go fuck himself with no fear.
-He knows how to make the audience happy.
-He's the only wrestler who really uses the audience as his "tag partner". (The Chain Gang is STILL mostly young girls)
-He's been telling the same story in the ring for years but by God it's HIS story and no one else can touch it.
-He put Randy Savage in more main events then Randy Savage had any right to participate in.
-He helped give Andre the Giant one, last, huge moneymaking run.
-He's articulate when he has to be
-He seems to be the type of guy you could have a beer with.
-He'll shake your hand if you see him around town.
-He's always respectful of his fans.
-He promotes working out and staying in shape
-He's never hurt anyone in the ring.
-He was a featured player in the best edition of the Rocky series.
-He let Jaques Rougeau pin him clean for a house show in Montreal.
-He let Arn Anderson pin him (sort of) clean on Nitro
-He earned Kevin Nash's respect
-He took every penny Ted Turner paid him and then demanded more.
-He knew Vince Russo wasn't shit long before any of you did.
-He could probably convince Vince to make HHH put him over clean on 3 consecutive PPV's in a row
-Most of you wouldn't be fans if it weren't for him. He showed us ALL how to mark-out.
-He's got to be a man. He can't let it slide.
Just to name a few things....
So really... is Hogan all THAT bad?
He is a real american... fight for the rights of every man... he is a real american... fight for what's right.... FIGHT FOR OUR LIVES!!!!
What'cha gonna do, you assholes.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Babies cannot produce tears until they are at least 7 weeks old.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
They're either real good or just average commoners. All depends on what drugs you're on when listening to them.
Flea: Who has little patience for amateur drunks
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
I would like to say that I hope James Mitchell is bitten on the penis by a zombie so his penis can become a zombie, grow teeth, and then proceed to eat his balls off.
Then it can attack Jeremy Borash, eating him from inside his asshole and working its way out.
Now, I'm going to wrap things up with something special...
THINGS ROB FEINSTEIN SAYS THAT SOUND HOMOSEXUAL
It appears that Rob Feinstein (you all have heard of him, right?) has shut down his Live Journal. It's a damn shame too.
It's a shame because, if you were one of the lucky ones to have known about his LJ and kept up with it, you got yourself and interesting look into his mind. You would have also been able to reach a few inescapable conclusions...
A: He's extremely happy... happy, happy, happy... he puts the "pee" in "happy"
B: He acts like the whole world has forgiven him and nothing unusual happened to him.
C: He's treated like royality wherever he goes.
D: He spend his high school years blowing off basic english class... possibly to get fisted in the boy's room. In other words, the silly bitch CAN'T SPELL!!
E: He uses the word "super" an AWFUL lot.
Now, Rob was accused of something, but never formerly charged. As far as the law is concerned, he's an innocent citizen who has done nothing wrong.
And he apparently likes to fuck monky-face vagina... but it IS legal vagina and he's perfectly within his rights.
But... god damn his Live Journal offered some interesting tidbits into hius head.
So I picked out a few lines he's written over the years that are very innocent, but coming from HIM... sound AWFULLY gay...
-A quick thank you to the staff
-I told her my friend was still sleeping and he was hard to wake up
-Thursday was one of the worst hang over days I ever had. I drank over a half of bottle of Absolute the night before and was out of control.
-So after watching Dawn of the Dead i poped in our DVD with Missy Hyatt on there getting naked and I thought I was still watching the Dawn of the Dead somehow
-I ran into Gary Hart who is actually a big dude
-I got another huge shoot this week coming up that we are just holding on to for a rainy day.
-Little things amuse us so we ended up sticking anything loose in the truck on the dash.
-We got into the town around Midnight on Thursday. We were at the hotel with all the boys.
-So what a better day than this one to do some drilling with a jack hammer starting at 8AM.
-We went to the Walmart Pet section
-call me immature but hey I know how to have a good time.
-I cant even go near Doug's room as she guards it.
-A car pulled up on the curb and it was Bubba and Big Dick. He basically kidnapped us and dragged us back to the club again. They were the good old days.
-So we decided to check into our new room and leave him in the old one. Well boy did we get a suprise.
-So I started to pound the bed with my fist and I jumped knee first from one bed to the other
-It was way to(o) short.
-This time we had a new victim that we took along for the ride.
-I went to the gym late tonight and the guy at the juice bar gave me some pill that gives u energy.
-MM MM MM is what I say when all you got is canned ravoli.
-The one thing about this hotel that I will never forget is the water pressure of the shower. It felt like you were being shot by a firetruck hose. It was the best hour shower of all time.
A firetruck hose... now how would he... he... heh heh heh ha ha ha ho ho ho....
OH THOSE POOR KIDS!! WHAT DID HE DO WITH A FIRETRUCK HOSE TO THOSE POOR CHILDREN??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA
I doin't even want to SPECULATE on what "canned ravioli" implies... good lord.
INNOCENT... the man is innocent. Oh, he's guilty of being a bad writer who doesn't spellcheck, but if there was jailtime for that, he's be sharing a cell with Dave Meltzer.
I, of course, would be somewhere in that prison too... no doubt trying hard to stay alive by keeping my Master's braids nice and tight... and trying to remember what life was like with teeth.... and trying to forget what semen tastes like.
Anyway, next week I'll do this again... only it'll be a shorter column. You got two monster back-to-back columns... now I get a break and whip out a fast one. Oh... it'll be hilarity X 1000, just not as much of it.
Beyond that, I have no idea what I'll be doing, but then again, I rarely do.
This is Hyatte