The Midnight News
Hello pigeons. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. I did do a column last week... it was just a day late. It's right here.
What else is up... well.... not much. I went into the archives for a couple of segments here, just to round it up... but they are from years back so it'll seem all new to you. And the top story is, of course, brand new...
So let's get to it.
IF YOU ONLY ORDER ONE PPV THIS YEAR....
Then congratulations... you're a normal human being.
But really, Wrestlemania is STILL the most important show of ther year.... some storylines wrap up while others begin. Theoretically, this is the show that sets the table for the next year... and sometimes they actually accomplish this.
SO IMPORTANT is this show that I feel like I have no choice but to preview the thing... match by match
WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: JOHN CENA vs TRIPLE H
Who Should Win: Triple H
Who Will Win: Triple H
What will happen: It's not HHH's fault, he's going to try his damndest, and they will tell a good story in the ring, but enough is enough. Cena's flaws are going to be put on display. His "Five Knuckle Shuffle" isn't "The People's Elbow". Half of the building will boo and the othert half will scream for him. But there are too many potential barn-burners on the undercard here. Too many top notch matches that will make Cena's limited act look worse... ESPECIALLY if they put these two on the tippety top of the card. It's time to get the belt off Cena for a while and overhaul the guy.
What I want to see happen: Someone throw a bottle at Cena when he tries to pump up his sneakers. Hunter make it through his entrance WITHOUT glaring and pointing at Lemmy from Motorhead if/WHEN he plays him on. Cena break into a sweat for once.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE VS REY MYSTERIO JR. VS RANDY ORTON
Who Should Win: Angle
Who Will Win: Orton (or Rey)
What will happen: If it's the headliner, and if HHH wins, it's going to Mysterio. If not, it'll be an all-heel sweep. Smackdown is best when there is a Heel champion. Orton is one of the chosen ones for the future and he has used the last year to carry himself as one. He's also working to keep a God-Like body even though he's clearly shrinking. He spent his time in the doghouse for failing at his first run as champ. If Rey DOES win, it'll be for a week... maybe a month, tops. The little fucker is too damn small to be carrying a promotion believably. Angle needs to downshift to part-time, or even just a lighter schedule. This will be a fast paced affair and everyone, especially Angle, will want to steal the show out from under HHH. No one's talking about it, but this could be a Match of the year candidate.
What I want to see happen: Orton start making out with Rey in the middle of the match. Someone spin Rey's mask around so he can't see. The corpse of Eddie be rolled out so he can cheer Rey on.
NO HOLD'S BARRED MATCH: MR. MCMAHON VS SHAWN MICHAELS
Who Should Win: HBK
Who Will Win: HBK
What will happen: Vince will bleed like a stuck pig. Someone will interfere and it won't be Bret Hart... it'll be someone else... maybe Hogan. It'll be entertaining, but if Shawn makes this a memorable match it will cement his status as THE Show Stopper... and THEN he can retire.
What I want to see happen: That damn wig come flying off once and for all. Vince hurt himself and NOT be able to tough it out. A drunk Bret come out with a baseball bat demanding money.
MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH: ROB VAN DAM VS SHELDON BENJAMIN VS RIC FLAIR VS LASHLEY VS MATT HARDY VS FIT FINLAY
Who Should Win: Flair
Who Will Win: RVD
What will happen: No matter what, Hardy is the one getting the most crap heaped on him. Finlay and Flair just completely demolish each other's chest. It'll probably be a thing where both Benjamin and RVD leap at the briefcase at the same time and RVD just grabbing it first... either way it'll be an acrobatic spectacle.
What I want to see happen: Hardy loudly scream, "Fuck the script" and shoot grab the briefcase. Then he celebrates as everyone else looks on wondering just what the fuck do they do now.
CASKET MATCH: THE UNDERTAKER VS MARK HENRY
Who Should Win: Oh come on
Who Will Win: Oh come on
What will happen: The Undertaker has two types of Wrestlemania matches: An Important One and a Bullshit One. This is a Bullshit Year. Standard stuff.
What I want to see happen: The Taker entrance last longer than the match. The Casket collapse when Mark Henry goes in.
HARDCORE MATCH: CACTUS JACK VS EDGE
Who Should Win: Edge
Who Will Win: Edge
What will happen: We'll see glimpses of the old Cactus Jack, but they'll be buried under all that jello. He'll work hard, Edge will work hard, Lita will have a brand new top that shows off her fascinating titties. Edge will suck it up and eat some thumbtacks. Lita might too. Foley will get hit with fire. It won't go past 10 minutes. Lita will do a spot and get injured, which will ruin her upcoming program with Trish
What I want to see happen: Mick drop dead from a heart attack. Only because it's the one thing he hasn't done yet. More Lita/Edge hardcore making out.
UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: CHRIS BENOIT VS JBL
Who Should Win: Benoit
Who Will Win: JBL
What will happen: JBL has more sass and swagger to him with gold around his waist. But I can see a dramatic finish where Benoit turns a clothesline from hell into a Crossface and... well, Benoit needs to be defending a belt more than chasing after one, but JBL laid down clean for the Boogeyman and he needs a new title run to re-establish himself as Smackdown's Top Heel. It'll get enough time and will have some good moments, but JBL wins.
What I want to see happen: Nothing. I'm cool.
RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: THE BIG SHOW AND KANE VS CARLITO COOL AND CHRIS MASTERS
Who Should Win: Carlito & Masters
Who Will Win: Carlito & Masters
What will happen: Lots of rule breaking. The bad guys get tossed around a LOT before a miscommunication sets up a Big Show pinfall... or MAYBE a Masterlock submission.
What I want to see happen: A Kane/Show break-up. Kane needs to go evil again.... he actually could use a trade to Smackdown too.
WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE MATCH: TRISH STRATUS VS MICKIE JAMES
Who Should Win: Mickie
Who Will Win: Trish
What will happen: Depending on how sloppy they work, it might go 10 minutes.... or Mickie gets nervous and too many blown spots happen early and the ref calls for the Go Home spot early. The story will be well told and Trish will wear something that will make my god damn balls explode. Realistically, Mickie SHOULD win the match (with help from Lita) and the title because Stratus has held the damn belt for too long and this feud is just starting... but the WWE LOVES Trish and the LOVE her with the belt.... she's a safe champion for them to not pay attention to. They may decide not to rush things and let her keep the strap... but not necessarily by pinfall. Lita may come in and get someone DQed.
What I want to see happen: TITS
BOOGEYMAN VS BOOKER T AND SHARMELL
Who Should Win: No one
Who Will Win: Boogeyman by countout
What will happen: Boogeyman is all show. Booker can wrestle but this isn't a wrestling match, it's a comedy sketch. Booker and his wife are having the time of their lives lately, just being goofy bad guys. The match will be a non-wrestling deal... and it will end with Booker and the Missus just saying, "Man, fuck it!" and walking out.
What I want to see happen: Sharmell eat some worms. Booker T actually shout the words, "FEETS DON' FAIL ME NOW!"... Sharmell scream, "OH MY LAWWWWS".
PLAYBOY PILLOWFIGHT: CANDICE MICHELLE VS TORRIE WILSON
Who Should Win: Torrie
Who Will Win: Torrie
What will happen: Not hard to figure out. Torrie is on her way out, let her have one more win. Why not?
What I want to see happen: WALDROBE MALFUNCTION! They'll do it too.
OTHER THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY GO DOWN...
-CM Punk might make his debut in some way.
-I expect Melina to be involved somewhere on this show.
-Bret walks out when they bring out the Hall of Fame inductees. He waves to the fans. The pop is monstrous. Speculation runs rampant. He leaves and we don't see him for the rest of the night. We never asee Bret in a WWE event again.
I should tell you, I'm usually 90% dead WRONG with these things 100% of the time.
BUT... it should be a good show.
WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP???
Before he went Face and teamed with the Big Show, before he married and then lost Lita... Kane was a pretty good character... and the way they got his mask off was one of the more compelling, well done storylines in WWE recent history...
Bash the WWE all you want… but no storyline has been so carefully and delicately told in recent years then the evolution of Evil Kane. They are taking their time with this guy and letting the story unravel slowly.
But... who created this Kane story? The top notch WWE CREATIVE JUGGERNAUT?? Well, according to this guy… NO.
Read carefully… because this is not as cut & dry as you might think…
March 2003, I decided I could write better material then what WWE had been writing for the past year or two. I have never been one to fantasy book or anything like that, but I am just about done with college, will have a degree in psychology, and know what wrestling fans like and don't like. I took a try and wrote a RAW, and sent it to alot of people in WWE.
Three days later I have a package from WWE. I get a letter from Stephanie McMahon commending me on my work and "challenging" me to write two more story-lines.
There was also a contract asking me to sign over these 2 story-lines so it becomes their property and a list of what I have to do in the story-line (backstage skit, in-ring promo, match, etc...) and things I couldn't do in the story-line, like rape, murder, or weapons (i.e. guns and knives), but necrophilia and human burnings were encouraged (sorry).
I write the two story-lines, which I was advised should not stray away from the current WWE product and should involve HHH (I am not kidding), but I thought, since I can better the product, I will do some new stuff, but use current veterans too.
Unfortunately, 3 weeks later, I was told I was very qualified but my ideas "weren't consistent" with theirs.
Now, this all happened by the first week of April. I thought that was that. This past Monday I wake up and have registered mail from WWE. The letter says that the have the right to use past materials sent to them, and basically, there is nothing I can do about it.
They also sent a copy of the RAW I wrote, with a stamp from one of their attorney's and dated from the end of March. I looked through the RAW, which I had completely forgotten about, to see what I wrote then is relevant to what is happening now. I was surprised to see the first and last segments I wrote were very similar to what has happened with Kane and his character.
Everything I wrote was the basis for his heel turn, his character development, and the feud he is currently in. The only new aspects of the story-line are the unmasking and a few things Kane has done, but the idea is definitely their. The thing with all of this is that, yes, I did sign a contract saying they could use 2 of my contracts, but this is not one of those story-lines. The RAW I wrote is what got me noticed by WWE, and they sent back that story-line, saying they don't solicit material, which is why I was asked to write 2 story-lines and sign a contract turning over ownership of those.
After a week of talking to many people, both in the know with WWE and not, I have been advised that I should take some kind of action. It is frustrating to want to write for WWE and tryout, only to get rejected, yet they use one of my ideas to start their most successful story-line in quite a while.
Hopefully, I will be able to get more in depth soon, as I have left alto out, just to cover my own ass. I just want to get this story out their and I will keep people updated on what happens. Thanks for taking the time to read this and to those who have helped me and given me advice in the last week.
He told this same story on his website… which you probably never heard of but it does have a pretty well known wrestling guy… one OUTSIDE the IWC.
Does he have a case? Or does the WWE prescribe to the old adage: “Possession is 9/10ths of the law”. I say, give it a shot… so long as he’s ready for a long fight… because the WWE rarely settles out of court when they think they can win.
This isn’t the first time Steph and co. have pulled stunts like this… I’ve heard stories.
Interesting… you can’t write HHH angles… I wonder who gets THAT honor??? Heh… heh… HO!
ANATOMY OF “WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP???”
Just to show you hard unbelievably DIFFICULT it is to sometimes get a story out of someone, I offer you this…
Bob: hey man, did you ever read my article at T(SOME SILLY WEBSITE)ling .com?
Hyatte1com: umm... yeah
Bob: I got another letter overnighted to me Monday from WWE
Bob: they told me they were using one of the storylines I wrote to them last March. I wrote a RAW which led to me getting a letter from Stephanie Mc asking me to write two more storylines. I had to sign a contract saying the two I wrote were their property
Hyatte1com: which ones?
Bob: They sent the RAW back to me, and said they have the right to use old material sent to them, and something from my RAW was being used
Hyatte1com: which one
Bob: I looked through the RAW, which was dated as 3-25-03 from them
Hyatte1com: WHICH ONE
Bob: to see which storyline is relevent to wha tis happening on TV now, and I found a story very similliar to what is happening with Kane
Bob: it involves him turning on RVD, becoming a "monster" and doing bizarre things to people
Bob: not exact to what is happening now, but definitley a basis for it
Hyatte1com: how much did they pay you?
Hyatte1com:... hmm... want to write down your story, right up until tonight, tell my audience everything that happened and get it to me within 90 minutes?
Bob: can it wait a week
Hyatte1com: nope... cause I won't be here
Bob: I am taking legal action tomorrow
Hyatte1com: and taking your story to the press will do nothing to harm your claim
Bob: I just don't want to blow whatever I may have
Bob: maybe I will
Bob: but leave off any of the (DUMB WEBSITE) stuff
Hyatte1com: no problem
Bob: I don't want to get (SOME GUY, NEVERMIND WHO) in trouble, he has been very helpful with all this
Hyatte1com: no problem... get it down and mail it to me
Bob: whats your email
Bob: ok man I will see what I can do
Bob: you think that I have a shot with this stuff
Hyatte1com: you are babbling... put it down in coherent text and I shall judge for you
Bob: what do you mean? Its tough to follow I know
Bob: I want to avoid specifics, at least until I talk to WWE tomorrow
Hyatte1com: you are too excited... please, the more you chat with me the less you write the stuff down...
Bob: alright man
Bob: I can't go into alot of detail, which I am sorry for, because it is an interesting story, but you'll make due
Hyatte1com: JUST DO IT
Bob: whats your email again?
Hyatte1com: ARE YOU HIGH?
Bob: alright, just please leave off the (STUPID WEBSITE NO ONE HAS HEARD OF) off and my email address
Hyatte1com: one more message from you and I will write your story myself... you do NOT want that
Bob: I am sorry, my fucking computer keeps freezing, what is your email
Bob: seriously sorry
Hyatte1com: fuck you... I'm doing the story myself
Hyatte1com: pain in the ass... I have a column to write, I don't have time for you
Bob: I will have it for you in 30, just give me the email
Bob: I am fighting with my girlfriend and trying to look at lawyers sorry
Hyatte1com: email@example.com. You have until 11:30... then I do it myself... and consider your ass blocked
Jesus H… I sort of hoped he wouldn’t send it in… just so I COULD write it myself and blow his deal.
Don’t fuck with me on Sundays, people… I am never in a good mood on Sundays.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get
their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
In seven days, he's going to put a stop to this John Cena nonsense once and for all!!
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*In 1985, four people voted for Mr Potato Head for Mayor of Boise, Idaho.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
Global Warming?? That's why God invented air conditioning.
Flea: the King of Coming Soon
There is nothing I hate more than a wannabe illiterates:
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: U WOULD BE NOBODY WITHOUT ASHISH
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: OR WIDRO
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: THEY MADE HYATTE INTO WHAT HE IS 2DAY
Hyatte1com: I think it's time to put you on my permanent block list
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: hold on dawg
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: I've been trying 2 be ur friend
Hyatte1com: I don't need friends
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: and u have come at me with racist remarks and shit
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: why are u so grumpy
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: u remind me of SCOTTER
Hyatte1com: because you can't spell
Hyatte1com: and you're white
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: I'M BLACK
Hyatte1com: and you think you can chat with me whenever you see me
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: but ur away messages aren't ususally on
Hyatte1com: I will give you one minute to entertain me, then you're gone
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: da fuck
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: ur a SCott keith from hell
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: fuck u
JaYd0gKeEpItReAl: Scott Keith pisses on Hyatte and takes shits on him
Hyatte1com: time's up
Hyatte1com: bye bye
I’m a busy man, people… if you’re going to waste my time with nonsense, then I’ll treat you like a bitch....
And quit trying to get me to rip on Scooter Keith... I haven't bothered with him in years.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Well I'll be damned... I actually wrote one. No, really... it's right here
-Shaky camera work and that black dude with the deep voice tells us that TNA is "The New Face of Wrestling!"... with new faces such as STING!, SCOTT STEINER!, JEFF JARRETT!!, SOMEONE WHO USED TO BE ON RAW!!!, and coming soon...GOLDBERG!
-Opens with highlights from last week, Steiner admitted to have been watching TNA "week after week".... aha, so HE'S the one!
-He also bitched about how no one in TNA called him! Oh please... I'm sure they called him a lot of things... just like everyone else does. I'm sure they called him asshole, chowderhead, imbecile, cockwad, fuckhead, cumstain, fudgepacker, moron, nitwit, needledick, retard, one ugly fuckeroo, skunkfucker, loudmouth, loser, HHH's bitch, TEST'S bitch, toolboy, why isn't this creep dead-boy, white boy, homo, cock knocker, bitch tits, Raw Curtain Jerker, jerk, jerk-off, jack-off, and Larry.
-Meanwhile... also last week, Konan said, "I did what I did 'cuz that's what I do!" He also can be found trolling the beaches of Tijuana selling sea shells by the sea shore, and when he isn't doing that he is busy in the woods trying to figure out how much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. On the side he deals peyote
-Opening theme. We get no less than 3 Jarrett guitar shots.... in a 20 seconds opening.... three guitar shots.... 3
-THREE, YOU BASTARDS!!!
-Don West wheezes out a welcome to our 60 minute adrenaline rush. Clearly, he can only handle about 10 seconds worth of SATURDAY NIGHT ADRENAL EXPLOSION as he promptly ran out of breath after gasping out his first sentence.
-Mike Tenay is in the ring.... as soon as the camera flies in for a close-up his face erupts in tics and mini-spasms. Has there ever been a man who looks so uncomfortable on camera?
-well... besides Dick Cheney...
-somehow, someway, Tenay managed to lick his lips 54 times in the span of forty five seconds... while talking the whole time. I think the cameraman was holding up a bottle of Glenlivet and shking it at him just to fuck with him on-air. Tenay called for Samoa Joe.
-In what TNA no doubt thought was a nifty little example of something we smart folks like to call IRONIC FORESHADOWING, they cut to a big sign in the front row that reads SAMOA JOKE...oh those clever little scriptwriting hillbillies.
-Tenay brought out Samoa Joe. Joe waddled out. He walked past the sign, saw it, and ripped it out of the fan's hands and tore it to shreds! Then he stopped and screamed, "I AM NOT A JOKE!!! I AM THE GREATEST WRESTLER NO ONE BUT INTERNET MARKS HAS EVER HEARD OF!!" Then he paused... thought it over... then started to cry, "Aw God, you're right!!!" He hugged the fan... it was a special moment.
-The asshole works hour-long matches with some Jap guy and gets his chest slapped so hard he probably ruptured his nipple... all in front of 30 fans and for a DVD that maybe 100 people will buy. He also spent the first half of last year working hour-long matches with CM Punk... who is about 100 pounds lighter and a good foot and a half shorter... and he SOLD FOR HIM! You tell me if that isn't a joke.
-Joe enters the ring and grabs the mic. The moment he starts to talk, he starts to sweat... heavily. Heh, suddenly Chris Benoit is the SECOND worst promo-man in the business.
-Joe gripes about the glaring lack of creme-filled donuts in the back... and says, "Who's head do I gotta cave in to get a friggin' eclair around here?" Tenay points to the cameraman and says, "Get that fucking Scotch in my hands and I'll hook you up with some Krispee Kremes!" Then, as Joe attacked the poor guy, Tenay screamed "ROLL THE TAPE, NOW!!"
-We see that Joe will be fighting Sabu at the all-cage PPV 2 weeks after Wrestlemania which no one will buy because WM is fuckin' $50 and who has the nerve to blow over $80 on wrestling in one month? Which one of you losers will pull THAT trigger?
-The Sabu reel ends and Joe is twitching his mouth... perhaps dreaming of the hot, glazed perfection.... dear Lord that's good shit, yo!
-Backstage, Jeremy Borash, who really should be found dead in a hotel room with a small animal lodged in a very bad place, listens to Brother Ray and Brother Devon discuss a cage match with team Canada tonight. Borash is wearing a bright red, open-throat shirt under his blue sportscoat. Exactly WHERE in the Northern Hemisphere is this outfit considered cool?
-WHY IS JEREMY BORASH ON MY TV SCREEN??? HE HAS DONE NOTHING IN HIS LIFE TO DESERVE AIR-TIME!!!
-Simon Diamond brings out Elix Skipper and some other clown to have a six man tag team against Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal, and Dick Hertz. Tenay explains that the angle here is for something called the X-World Cup and the team with the Brother and the Terrorist is "Team America"... I have no clue what the World Cup is... I cannot find ANY site talking about it, and I feel it is a giant waste of time. Furthermore, I believe Sonjay Dutt had a hand in the 9/11 tragedy and demand that he be brought in for questioning. FURTHERMORE, I think Jay Lethal tried to carjack me the other night... I was at a stoplight (with some chick's head in my lap... BOYEEEEEEE) and a brother with cornrows stuck a gun to my head and said, "Get outta the car, SUCKA!!"... I pulled the chick's head from my aforementioned groin, opened my car door, shoved her out, yelled, "TAKE THE WHITE GIRL AND LEAVE MY CAMRY ALONE!"... then screamed like a fag and floored it! Hyatte wins again.
-At one point, Jay Lethal pointed to the camera (and me) and smiled. Your welcome, my brother! Wasn't she FINE!
-Team America won! But really, the biggest winner is Simon Diamond who got away from Dawn Marie before she went all fat and knocked up. He got her when she was anorexic!
-Team Canada.... well, that fat manager Scotty D'Amore who is suddenly the most important man in professional wrestling and I can't figure out why, cuts a promo with Jeremy Borash about how everything sucks. Larry Zbyszko shows up because TNA is the NEW FACE OF WRESTLING and Larry = ratings.
-So they did their bit, then a ref showed up and he and Larry did a storyline bit that is sure to go absolutely nowhere fast... I hit the fast forward button.
-Up close and personal with STING! Who says that he forced TNA to let him come back for a "Wargames" style match with Jeff Jarrett... army vs army, Good vs Evil, God's Soldier vs Inbred Yokel!
-Sting tried to talk hardcore by thinking of all the weapons they can hang on the roof of the cage... "I see bats... and.... bats hanging and.... umm.... err.... how about 'dem bats and.... pine... and..." Upon realizing that he was fresh out of weapon ideas he said, "Well, I don't want to give it away!!"... Ha! Loser.
-And Sting promised Jarrett that he TOO has a name or two on his speed dial.... which can only mean Goldberg!
-DEAR GOD!! HE'S BRINGING A JEW!!! THIS MIGHT BE A SHOOT!!
-Sting sent Jarrett a message! Steve Borden is NOT coming to Lockdown.... Sting is! Unfortunately, it appears that neither men's hairline was able to come to terms with Panda energy... so we'll be getting PLENTY of extra forehead.
-Tenay and West toasted the good news! Steiner's ambulance siren theme played... Tenay cocked his head, paused, and screamed, "WAIT, I KNOW THAT SOUND!!"
-Jarrett and Steiner charged out in street clothes and yelled at the announcers. Steiner yanked West around. Some moron in the audience squeaked, "You leave him alone, Steiner!". West went 100% prison bitch while Tenay drunkenly yelled at Jarrett, "YOU ACCEPT STING'S CHALLENGE!!! YOU BETTER ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE!" I love it when Tenay gets all tough with Jarrett.... his sneer is hilarious.
-Then the Naturals came out... and didn't even GLANCE at the commotion at the announce table. Jarrett and Steiner attacked them and beat the living shit out of one of them. Steiner kept yelling, "YOU SHUT UP, WEST!"... which made me laugh because West wasn't saying shit.
-The beatdown ran clean through into some...
-Tenay and West announced that the kid Jarrett and Steiner beat up was dead. No, really... this is TNA, we don't do death angles like the WWE with Eddie and Owen (Eddie's just nursing a knee injury and Owen had one of them neck fusion things that are all the rage these days)... when one of our wrestlers dies, it is REAL, AND LEGIT, AND SERIOUS!! Tenay then shook his fist at the heavens and shouted, "DAMN YOU GOD FOR PUTTING SCOTT STEINER ON THIS EARTH!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!" Then he poured himself a huge cup of whiskey and toasted the dead young man.
-Backstage, K-Dogg and Homicide explain why they got rid of Machete... which boiled down to the very reasonable, "He lost to an asshole in a Shark Mask for chrissakes!!" Then The James Gang chased them off and Bullet Bob talked about when he was in the Marine corps and when they weren't hunting down those Nazi bastards, they were engaging in arm wrestling matches. Why the FUCK is Konnan running away from a 60 year old fart?? Who is buying this? WHO THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A RATINGS WINNER??? AND WHO IS CUTTING BOB ARMSTRONG'S HAIR??? WHAT IS WITH THE BOWL HAIRCUT???
-The only thing believeable about this storyline is Homicide's facial expression during this segment... it said, "Why ain't I on Smackdown laying pipe on Melina? Why am I messing with this bullshit?"
-TNA produced a video that tried real hard to make their six-sided cage look every bit as evil as the WWE's Elimination Chamber! "Six sides of steel.... six sides of HELL!!"
-Team Canada comes out. It's the blonde kid (who is very funny) and Bobby Roode (who isn't very anything) vs...
-Team Three D. Last week Steiner called them "Roly Polys" and by god he's RIGHT!
-They are giving this a good 20 minutes... 128 of which were the Brothers bouncing the Canucks all over the cage... Eric Young started bleeding and it was GOOD color...
-Then, because this is TV and they have a PPV that no one is gonna buy in two weeks, The Roly Polys won, but they actually LOST because the rest of Team Canada... and those AMW nitwits ran in and beat the Americans down... then draped them in Canadian flags and proceeded to sing, "Oh Canada". The blonde kid, Eric Young, collapsed with his heart on his chest and blood pouring from his head... which is pretty much the same thing I did after going down on some chick during her time of the month 15 years ago... I thought I bit her clit off or something... she started screaming then blood started to squirt and.... my god damn Mother never taught me ANYTHING... I had to learn it ALL ON MY OWN!.... bitch.
-Brother D-Von had to drag the Canadian flag up and uncover his mouth because he was gasping for air.... and you wonder why they weren't invited back to McLand.
-The problem here is we AREN'T in a war with Canada, they AREN'T our hated enemies and THE WWE RAN THIS CANADA = EVIL STORYLINE TWO TIMES OVER THE LAST TEN YEARS AND BOTH TIMES WERE BETTER THAN THIS NONSENSE!!!
-oh... and the other problem is Scotty D-Amore has no business OWNING a TV, much less being in one.
-FINALLY, James Mitchell and the guy who tapes everything peep through Mrs Christian's home as she cleans up (HA!!! IT'S ALL A WORK!!) Then Mitchell accosts her at a tanning parlor... Mitchell has that silly cane, a gaudy purple blazer and that black hair... Mrs Christian should win an Emmy for making it through this scene without laughing in this old goat's face.
-I mean really.... who CAN'T beat up this clown? He's the worst.
-the show ends.
Now, I'm going to wrap things up with something special...
HYATTE’S PICK-UP LINES
Title says it all... here are some lines I use when doing the mack daddy thang, daddi-o!
"Hi, my name is Chris, it rhymes with piss"
"Hi, thousands of 12 year olds worship me"
"Want to buy the King of the Internet a drink?"
"I write a column that’s adored by tens of thousands, and one day, I hope to get paid for it!"
"I used to play in Quiet Riot!"
"If you let me get you drunk, I’ll let you puke in my toilet."
"Come to my place. We’ll go on AIM and watch a bunch of teenagers kiss my ass."
"Hey, the best part is that if you get pregnant, you’ll never see me again!"
“I got tickets to the Huey Lewis and the News concert”
“You’ll fall in love with me within five minutes”
"Didn’t I see you in a Seymour Butts video?"
"Sweetheart, you haven’t lived until you’ve had a fat ass"
"If that jerk you’re with has a web page, I can chase him off the Internet inside 2 months"
"Hey baby, every week hundreds of people tell me I suck, wanna see for yourself?"
"Don’t move... you have a cockroach on your chest, let me brush it off."
"Don’t move... you have a cockroach on your fly, here let me... ooops, it just went down your pants... I’ll get it."
"I may not be Freddie Durst, but I have one Hell of a Limp Biscuit."
"My Mom died, please blow me."
“Should I call 911? Because there’s a fire in your pants!”
“Better talk to me now before the Horse tranq I put in your drink kicks in”
“Baby, most guys on the web are either bald, fat, or hippies… consider me a PRIZE!!”
“Jesus died so you could meet me.”
“Just to let you know, I naired out my pubes”
“Excuse me Miss Thing, but if I’m good enough for Trish Stratus I am CERTAINLY good enough fer your fat ass”
It also helps to call them cute names: "Peaches", “Heartbreaker”, “Pumpkin”, “Blueberry Pie”, “Sweet Pea”, “Butterscotch Pudding Pop”, “Angel Food Cake”, “Shaved Shoulder Pork Chop”… you know, stuff like that. Shit works too... as recently as two nights ago! Aces, baby!
Aaaaaand I’m done. Next week I'm doing Wrestlemania, I've got Hal Jotsky at the Hall of Fame awards, and.... shit if I know.
Then I'm going to rest for a week. VACATION!
Oh, and coming soon... the return of ALEXA... and just you WAIT 'till you see what's going on with that bitch.
This is Hyatte