The Midnight News
Hyatte, if I see something else on one of your columns then I will report you to the authorities. You are a very sick person and you need help. P.S. You do not have permission to reprint this email or the last email I sent you and if you do then you will be hearing from my lawyers.
If you see WHAT in my columns? What?
And which authorities are going to listen to you rant on about an Internet Writer?
wow, a column this week. you spoil us.
I know, you lucky bastards.
Hi posers, I'm Chris and this the Midnight News. I'm making up for last week's DISMAL column with a JAM PACKED dismal column. So you get more dismal! Ain't that something?
And with that...
Some things that have flitted across my mind concerning this ECW revival:
-It's going to be huge.
-It's going to make millions.
-It's going to be done Heyman's way but with McMoney. If Vince puts full faith in Paul Heyman, there will be no way this fails.
-Flea has a theory that the long range plan of Vince is to use Raw and Smackdown as strictly overseas touring companies. The plan, according to Flea who is actually quite astute in these matter, is to put both brands in Europe and Asia full time (with stops in Africa, South America, et al), and tour them non-stop... because that's where all the money is. The reviving of ECW, says Flea, will be to maintain a domestic presense. Long range, ECW will be the primary American brand.
-Boy, CM Punk is sure taking the scenic, extra-long route to the WWE, isn't he? The Punkster will be in his 30's before he shows up on one of the big two, if he goes to ECW.
-I always thought the main perk to being in ECW (cuz it sure wasn't the money), was all the drugs and rats and bad behavior! Well, now that they clamped down on getting high... and bad behavior now gets you fired... how much fun is taking 900 whacks with a Kendo stick going to be?
-Do we REALLY need Francine back?
-And why not bring in Missy Hyatt too? That would be a riot.
-While making a profit is mission one... mission two has GOT to be the total fucking over of TNA. And the timing is perfect. Vince sees (or has been informed) that TNA is slowly turning into Nitro. He also sees (or has been informed about) those nutty X-Division wrestlers who fly around and take huge bumps in a very EXTREME style of wrestling. Well, just to fuck with Jeff Jarrett, he has now gone and created a WWE MAINSTREAM... WELL-PAYING... place for disenchanted X-Divisioners who see Scott Steiner take up their valuable airtime. And to make matters even worse... his place has the name "ECW". And to make matters EVEN WORSE... he's letting Paul Heyman run it. Expect a slow but steady stream of TNA defectors.
-Not just the small names either. As soon as his contract is up, I can totally see Paul Heyman call up Chris Daniels and say: "Hey Fallen Angel, you sick of losing all the time?" Boom, he's in.
-The biggest asshole in TNA is Rhyno. Here's a guy who was never given a chance in the WWE, was fired unceremoniously, DUMPED on his chunky behind... went to TNA, was given the biggest push of his life, is now booked as a main event player... and as SOON as the ECW announcement was made, he started making waves about wanting to go back. His bags are practically PACKED already. He's all set to abandon the ship that made him something. Unreal. Loyalty blows.
-AJ Styles won't leave. Samoa Joe will once CM Punk calls him up with stories of unholy money and great booking. Samoa Joe will go to ECW and 4 months later will end up on Raw as Umanga's cousin... in FULL Samoan gear. And I will laugh and laugh and laugh.
-I also think Vince wants to create a place where someone can actually die on live TV so he can get press, but also be able to put all blame on Heyman. Sabu... Sandman.... Terry Funk... any one of those guys could drop dead in the ring at any given time.
-The BIGGEST loser in wrestling is now OFFICIALLY Shane Douglas. He's not going to be invited to the new ECW anytime soon... and since all the hardcore acts will be tied up, he can't even run a Hardcore Homecoming Indy show... well, he can, but how many asses will Tod Gordon be able to bring to the house? NONE!
-They should hire Feinstein. Think of the GIMMICK they can build for him.
-Hire Tammy Sytch too. Because regularly scheduled meltdowns are totally EXTREME!!
-I'd like to see April Hunter hired too... AND Slyk Wagner Brown. Come on Paul... you know you want to.
-I also see ECW as a sort of WWE Penalty box for main brand workers with bad attitudes. Trish is getting uppity? Throw her into the hardcore brand and let's see if a few chairshots changes her attitude.
-You do realize that the REAL plan here is to shove about 21 PPVs a year down our throats... 33 when you count TNA.
-Most popular thing overheard in ECW after week 3: "Holy shit, I went to cash this paycheck and the fucking thing DIDN'T BOUNCE!!!"
-I wonder if Heyman, now 6 years older, fatter, and balder, will still go into his "Extreme" mode and cut promos with a backwards baseball cap and a four day growth of beard.
-Let's hope the Blue Meanie still has to earn a living cleaning splooge out of porn shop stalls. Keep him away.
-I don't miss Stevie Richards much either, but I guess we have no choice there.
-While taping this show before Smackdown is certainly not the best choice possible... it won't last.
-Poor Dave Scherer STILL won't get free tickets in... and you KNOW he'll turn that into an Internet angle about how FEARED he is.
-CM Punk... BAH... let's see how Straight Edge works when 280 pound men are crashing into him every night for the next six months.
-If ECW becomes a small building touring company... the Indys are going to SUFFER. Fat neck Frank Goodman will be okay because he does maybe... four shows a year or something? But ROH... poor Gabe will be in the unfortunate position of trying to create new stars every second Thursday... they'll all jump ship on one phone call.
-I wonder if Sean the MiC will get comped to these shows... and I wonder if I can cadge a ride in with him.
-You know... I look at Heyman and see a guy who is always rising from the ashes. Time after time after time, JUST when you think he's done for... JUST when you think Stephanie McMahon has convinced her father that he's no good... JUST when you think he's just killing off his contract in OVW... JUST when you think they are about to throw him out oif the car and leave him by the side of the road... JUST when you think the man has finally lost EVERYTHING... he gets handed the keys to his own creation back and is told, "Make this happen... again." My God... the man is SUCH a Jew!
-That's about all I got. Can't wait to see the new Generation of ECW Sluts... those chicks will have all the qualifications of a late night/dead drunk monkey spank... sloppy, whorish, and as naked as USA will allow... its the WWE's version of Skinemax!
-Seriously, this can't fail.
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX-MRS TRISH HYATTE
So, you think WWE Divas and what comes to mind?
wet spots on your bedsheets?
Mingling/partying/boning big time celebrities.
Yeah, yeah, and yeah.... I'm sure they do all that. They're also rich. Gobs of money. And many of them, with the right agent, get to do non-wrestling magazine covers and really get paid.
All for looking pretty and staying pretty. If anyone tells you that the world isn't run by hot babes, then they are just morons. A hot chick can control men... CONTROL THEM!
Beautiful women are catered to... sucked up to.... brown nosed.... and generally treated like royalty. They never have to pick up a tab, wait in line, or buy themselves a drink. Someone will comp them... someone will wait on them for free... and all they have to do is smile.
Except in the WWE. I tell ya, Vince just doesn't give a shit. In the WWE, the Divas are treated like everyone else... and in some cases, much worse.
See, not only do they have to travel, a LOT, but they also have to do meet and greets and look amazing and take care of their bodies and smile and smile and SMILE... no matter what sort of day their having.
They also have to pose for pictures too. WWE pictures. And if they are over enough, they get to be their own models for their t-shirts.
Which brings me to my point. Here are 5 pictures of Trish Stratus posing in her new t-shirt. Nice, huh? Nice smile, tight body, white teeth. Looking good! FEELING GO...
Well, maybe not feeling too good. Look at her right arm. In all five pictures, look at how it dangles.
These pictures, and I'll bet a thousand dollars here... these pictures were taken last Monday. Before Raw and after the Backlash...
WHERE SHE SEPERATED HER SHOULDER AND HAD TO HAVE IT POPPED BACK IN!
But, BECAUSE she's a Diva and BECAUSE they want to get her shirt out for the public and BECAUSE she can't look anything but girly when she poses.... they made her take her sling off.
Look at those pictures again. Watch that arm dangle, like it's dead. Look at her smile. Look how uncomfortable she looks.
You hear all these stories about how Vince looks at his employees, his wrestlers, like cattle. You try not to believe those stories. You want to think that Vince is a good man deep down inside.
Man... making a 120 pound girl who just had her shoulder removed from its socket, take off her sling and pose nice and pretty to sell a few t-shirts.
God bless the cold bastard!
Heh, look at that dead arm just hang there limply. Heh... be funny if it just fell off one night. Then one smart fan can steal the arm and run off with it... then he can say, with all honesty, that Trish Stratus gives him a hand job several times a day! Dude would be a legend!
While I'm thinking of Trish's arm... you think if you lined her arm up with Spike Dudley's... put them side by side... anyone could tell the difference? I mean.... some people say Trish has a bit of the old "man hand" thing going... just wondering. Let's move on...
WELCOME HOME, JR
In honor of the almighty return of the greatest play by play broadcaster in history. In honor of Jim Ross's final (because they'll NEVER fire him again) return to narrating Raw, I offer you this. Digging deep into my heavy archives of various quotes, I pulled up ten of the more amusing lines/moments, geared to get you JACKED!!! JACKED, BY GOD!!
01): Trish looks good, but careful JR, you shouldnt have you're hand on the mantle when the fire is burning.- Lawler
What the hell does that mean?- Ross: Insurrextion '02
02): He's pulled out a ladder? WHAT'S THE LADDER FOR?- Lawler as Jeff Hardy pulled out a ladder from under the ring
What's the ladder for? Aw, he's gonna paint his garage!- Ross
03): Honky Tonk Man could beat anyone in this building!!!- Lawler
What are you? His Cousin??- Ross
04): He comes from a family of wrestlers, his Daddy was the great Lynn "Kojack" Shelley- Jim Ross on Eric Shelley
So his father was bald too, right?- Lawler
Oh, no kidding!- McMahon
You're right on it, King- Ross: Raw '97
05): What are they wearing? They look like idiots!- Lawler on the Headbangers
Yeah, it's almost as silly as a grown man wearing a CROWN!- Ross
06): Mr. McMahon is the most honest, straightforward man that I have ever worked for! - Jerry Lawler
More honest than Jerry Jarrett?? How dare you!- Jim Ross: Raw '99
07): He flew out of the ring like he was shot out of a cap gun!- Lawler on Max Mini
You used that line last night...HENNY!- Ross on the Raw following a PPV featuring Max Mini (DUH)
08): JIM CORNETTE IS A SKID MARK ON THE UNDERWEAR OF LIFE!!- JR, full of piss and having a blast, Raw '96
09): Come on King, the three or four decades you've been in this business, you know you can't use the ropes! JR
Of course you can. Why are they there for?- Lawler: Backlash '02
10): Buchanon is so damn big. He weighed in today at about 3 and a quarter. It’s all muscle!- Ross
What size is his head?- Lawler
I don’t know. I didn’t get into that.- Ross
(silence as Ross possibly gives Lawler a little ear full off mic)
You think it’s funny that I prepare for a broadcast?- Ross
I just... ha ha... can’t imagine...- Lawler
What did YOU this afternoon? Go to a MALL?- Ross
... eight and three quarters...heh... eight and three inches head... WHO CARES?- Lawler
Well, YOU call yourself a King. That’s what I’m saying, WHO CARES?- Ross
(Ross was clearly in a huff as Lawler tried to change topics)
Speaking of heads, what do you think is going through Vince’s head right now? What do you think HE’s thinking about?- Lawler
Something evil. Something sinister..- Ross
Why do you keep...- Lawler
Something to make the Rock and the Undertaker’s life a living HELL.- Ross
Why are you so NEGATIVE? What has Vince done to YOU?- Lawler
Fired me twice. Anything else you want to go into?- Ross
Remember when he invested everyone’s pension plans at the racetracks?- Lawler
WHAT?- Ross: Raw '98
And starting tonight... Daddy's coming home.
And THIS time, he knows that Vince needs him more than he needs Vince.
I can't wait. Expect wall to wall inside jokes and major insubordination for the next several weeks. It's gonna be a blast.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
All I know is that I didn't sign up to see 40.
Flea: get him to give you a loan while you still can, time is running out.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*There are no ants in Antartica, Iceland, or Greenland*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
The MOMENT he decides to go Face, you morons cheer for him.
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
TNA IMPACT MOP-UP
Well I'll be damned... I DID ONE!
-Show opens with a coked up Jeremy Borash, dressed as if he's on his way to Studio 54 to party with the cool cats of the 70's and do more lines off Capote's brown crack... frantically loud-talking about how "EVERYTHING IS GOING CRAZY BACK HERE!!" By crazy, he means Gail Kim is making fun of Jackie Gaydar's housedress. Borash is coked up... and a douchebag.... and a tool... and can die tomorrow if he wants.... horribly, if possible.
-AMW shows up to break the girls up. As God as my witness, I STILL can't tell who is Storm and who is Harris. And I, like, even try to pay attention here... but the names just leave my mind as soon as they leave the screen. This isn't good.
-One of those AMW guys guzzles a beer (ooo, GIMMICK), throws it down on the floor (ooo, INBRED), and promises lots of punishment for AJ Styles and Chris Daniels. Punishment? Those boys get jacked in the face by Samoa Joe at least 4 times a month... HARD.... Chris Daniels gets to look forward to about 6 months of Lo Key throwing potatos like he's on an Idaho Farm. Tussling with a pair of overrated, boring rednecks is like a week off.
-Clips that highlight all the angles you have to pay attention to from last week. If you start watching this damn show again, you won't have to deal with a shortened version of Sting's "Deal or No Deal" skit that was still too long.
-Opening theme. In a major sacrifice and an UNDISPUTABLE show of dedication to the SUCCESS of this show, Jeff Jarrett has GRACIOUSLY withdrawn one of his THREE clips of hitting someone (or the camera) with his guitar. In its place... Scott Steiner. GOOD FOR YOU, DOUBLE J! THAT'S TEAM SPIRIT AT ITS BEST!! TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM!!!
-Mike Tenay reads his cue cards and shouts that we are about to get an adrenaline rush... for 60 minutes... a 60 minute adrenaline rush... no one down there seems to understand that the human heart would just STOP if it ran on adrenaline for 60 minutes straight.
-AJ Styles and Chris Daniels come out and both take a moment to peak at the audience from under their hoods... Christian does this too. The message is clear... TNA thinks that the "New Face of Wrestling" is all about rocking the hood gear.
-Styles hits the ring and loudly yells at the camera. I think he said, "WARRIOR WAS RIGHT... QUEERING DON'T WORK!" Oh leave the fags alone... they aren't bothering anyone... unless asked... *slurp.
-Daniels mopes around like a guy who has been booked to be Samoa Joe's bitch for the last 9 months...
-AMW come out and waste no time! There is a 20 minute Sting PROMO scheduled... so noi dilly dallying with this wrestling nonsense. Tenay and West respect the hard work of these four high-tuned athletes by spending 5 minutes discussing which 90's WCW relic Sting's strong-arming TNA into hiring for the next PPV
-Tenay advices us to do jumping jacks in order to KEEP THE ANDRENALINE GOING during the...
-We are moving along nicely... Styles does what he's doing and the screwjob finish beckons... since he's sick of always laying down, Daniels dives OUT of the ring because he knows what's coming. Gail Kim jumps at Styles... Styles goes for the Styles Clash (silly finisher)... one of the AMW (SEE! CAN'T TELL ANY OF THESE FUCKERS APART... EVER!) Superkicks Styles... which leads into a WAAAYYY too tight Gail Kim Hurracarana. Kim dashes off and Styles eats the pin. Daniels slides out and tries not to laugh that Styles had to put over an 80 pound chick! West pretended to be outraged. Tenay pretended to be sober. We pretend that we won't flip channels during these...
-Senshi shadowboxes in the ring and tells us that he's going to take the X-Division as easy as he took Tammy Sytch's chair at an Indy show a few years ago. "A fat junkie from Jersey was no match for my martial arts skills and my intensity!!" says the little bald pecker.
-Team Canada fought Team Mexico for that World Cup that no one, and I mean NO ONE seems to be paying any attention to. The Mexicans won. Why, for Christ sakes, is Scotty D'Amore in my life? I don't want this. I don't want him even peripherally in my life. Why does he have a career? Who's cock is he sucking and why would even the gayest of gays want HIM on their joint? Why? WHY???
-Alex Shelly caused Team Canada to lose, by the way... I like Alex Shelly for a few reasons.
-Larry Zbyszko joined the Announcers and did a damn fine impression of Stephanie McMahon.... or perhaps he was aiming for porn superstar Jill Kelly... either way, his voice was destroyed (so of COURSE they give him air-time) and he says Styles and Daniels will get a tag title rematch at the PPV but no chicks will be allowed! Then Raven charged out and chased Larry around. It's sort of sad that not only does Larry outrun Raven in the gimmick, but I'm willing to bet he can outrun him in real life too... Raven's porking up...
-Jill Kelly went from sounding like a girly girl to sounding like a truck driver... in case you missed the reference. Same thing with Stephanie McMahon... if semen caused the voice to changed so drastically like that, I would sound like deceased Boston Celtic radio play by play man Johnny Most by now. (Google it, nitwits!!)
-It's not semen, is what I'm saying... while I'm sure Stephanie has had her share and, obviously Jill Kelly has swallowed enough jizz to populate the moon... and it wouldn't be a SHCOKING revelation if Zbyszko.... anyway... it's plastic surgery... not spunk and not steroids.
-Now we get TWO extended non-wrestling/all talking segments back to back... all featuring guys who came from WCW as it went under... I will ignore the first one with Sting, Jarrett, and both Steiners because there was no point to it AT ALL. (I say hire Luger! The trainwreck potential there is TOO valuable to turn down!)
-But the SECOND one featured my personal hero...
-NASH!!! KEVIN NASH!!
-In his "laid back, I get to say what I want without sweating a script" mode... which he EXCELS at and which the WWE NEVER allowed him to do... he smugly told Alex Shelly that he was the highest drawing WWF/E champion of all time... beating Hogan, Hart, Austin (who gave him a fight, says Kev, but didn't quite match and wouldn't even come CLOSE if you factor in the NWO merchandise era) and KILLING the Rock... he even had a graph showing how he spiked out on everyone! (Hey!! That looks like ALEXA!)
-He also bragged about ALWAYS being in great shape... ALWAYS being handsome... ALWAYS being drug free... and ALWAYS being, above all else... a PURE wrestler!
-And, it appears that Big Kevin has decided against doing the "Silver Fox" gimmick... his hair is as brown and youthful as ever...
-Then he said, about the X-Division... "Good little guys who can give you a good little match. Basically filler." Interview ends...
-HA!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS GUY???
-Before I get into how Tenay and West broke their own personal records for face contorting and overboard outrage... please allow me to run off just a few of my all time favorite Kevin Nash Quotes!!!
-What happened to that sweet lil' rasslin' show we used to have? I mean, where's the Dog when you need him?- Kevin Nash, Nitro: 00
-I haven't seen this many black t-shirts since a 1979 Foghat concert. What the heck?-Kevin Nash: during the initial nWo explosion
-Wrestle, Nash!- Fan
You must never seen my career before son, 'cause I don't wrestle. Someone else does and I get all the money!- Nash! NASH
-And now... taking it's place RIGHTFULLY among the all time classics...
-"Well, the X-Division. Good little guys who can give you a good little match. Basically filler."
-Oh, and of course... we can't forget this one...
-AHHHHH!!!- Nash, as his quad gave out mid-match. Raw, '02.
-The best... the absolute best.
-Oh Lord... Tenay had a fit... West had a fit. Tenay reminded Nash that this was 2006 and NOT 1996 then wondered again who Sting would use as a tag partner against Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner at the Sacrifice MAIN EVENT and wasn't it great to see the Dog Face Gremlin come out and start barking and use all his catch phrases? "GET WITH THE TIMES, NASH!!" screamed a sneering Tenay!
-Christian Cage needed a commercial break to put away Alex Shelly.... but there was a fun bit where Christian put the head set on, kicked Shelly in the head, then sent us off to some...
-Before wrapping this up. Then he cut a fast promo saying... oh who knows....
-Abyss and Mitchell did their OWN promo from the EXTREMELY WELL LIT bowels of the TNA basement... actually, they looked like they were hanging under the bleacher seats... Mitchell is not as good as you idiots seem to think.
-Oh, and Alex Shelly is a better CM Punk then CM Punk. WWE should bring him to ECW FAST... that kid is a star in the making... and handsome too.
While I'm being gay and geeky here... let's wrap this up with... well... umm... just read it.
WRITING WITH BONERS
So I'm always on the look-out for the "next great writer"... because God knows I'm running out of steam.
Problem is... I don't want to look... I can't find anyone, anyway.
But fine... here's a writer... not great, not even good... and in desperate need of a woman.
On the net, if you look hard enough (I don't, I SWEAR), you will find something called "Fan Fiction", where... err.... writers dream up erotic little tales involving wrestlers. I thought I'd showcase a cut from one this week.
Unfortunately, this is a FAMILY COLUMN... so I have to clean it up a bit.... and what better way to clean it up and have a little fun than to do it Mad Libs style!
And so, straight from the depressing mind of Big Red Dope (email@example.com), I give you...
The Battle For Dominance Part 5: Best In Show
Mad Libs courtesy of: Star Wars:
Melina leaned back and watched Joey strip as Johnny's fingers slid between her panties and her skin and began to pull down. She then motioned for Mercury to come over and when he did she wrapped her hand around his (Episode I: The Phantom Menace) and began stroking it. Melina slid her hand back and forth over his (Lando Calrissian) several times before taking it into her (Death Star)
"Oh yeah (Emperor) on it," Joey grinned as Melina's lips wrapped around his (Boba Fett) and she slowly began to bob her head back and forth.
Meanwhile Johnny had her (Qui-Gon Jinn) spread wide apart and his (Coruscant air taxi) was (Jawa) between them. His (Trade Federation) rubbed up and down her (bantha) pushing them apart to taste her (Millennium Falcon). Melina moaned wrapping her (Imperial Mark IV Sentry Droid) just a little bit tighter around Joey's (Gungan Grand Army) whenever Johnny's (Twi'lek) slipped inside her (Snivvian) Slowly her (Mon Calamari) began (Ugnaught) itself and Nitro got to taste every (Boonta Eve Classic Podracers) of hers that (Imperial Lambda-class shuttle) out. Feeling his (Imperial speeder bike) hard and aching Johnny stood up and quickly began to (Anakin Skywalker) starting with his (Yoda) and working down to his (Darth Maul)
"Stick your (Remember) in me," Melina grinned pulling her (The Force will be with you) from Joey's (always)
"Sure thing," He smiled moving to where Mercury had just been.
Joey raised Melina's (Admiral Ackbar) and pulled her towards him. He pressed his (Rep Been) to her (Major Bren Derlin) rubbing it up and down a bit teasing her. Then with a well placed (Greedo) his (Palpatine) penetrated her (Pote Snitkin) and his (Episode II: Attack of the Clones) slid inside. As Mercury slowly worked on getting a nice pace going Johnny took Joey's spot. Melina reached out taking his rock hard (Doda Bodonawieedo) into her (Grand Admiral Thrawn) and began (Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) it.
As she was wrapped her (Janga Fett) around Nitro's (Galactic Senate) and began bobbing her (Twin-pod cloud car) back and forth Mercury began to vigorously (Wookie) himself into (C-3PO). Joey's (Princess Leia) slapped against Melina's (Tusken Raider) with each push of his (Weequay) into her (Rebel Alliance). Her body (peko-peko) and her (RA-7 Death Star Droid) swayed with each (Imperial Navy Troopers). Melina herself was becoming rather (Sith Infiltrator) by the (Trade Federation Droid Control Ship) and couldn't pay proper (Zuckuss) service to Nitro.
"Hold on," She smiled (General Maximilian Veers) off of Joey and standing up. "Who wants (The Jedi Order)?"
"I'll take it," Mercury grinned laying down on the bed.
Melina (sarlacc) on top of him (wampa ice creature) herself onto him until the (R2-D2) of his (Neimoidian) was just pushing into her (Horox Ryyder). She then leaned forward invitingly waving her (Toonbuck Toora) for Johnny. Nitro took hold of his (AT-AT walker) leading it to her (AT-ST walker). He rubbed his (A-wing starfighter) up and down her (B-wing starfighter) before (Sith probe droid) the (Lieutenant Wes Janson) inside.
Melina (Dash Rendar) as both Joey and Johnny began to (Trade Federation AAT) inside right around the same time. Her (You can't win, Darth) was (If you strike me down, I shall) as was Joey's (become more powerful) and he (then you can possibly) out (imagine) her first. He was the first to take hold of her (Count Dooku) and gently began to (Bail Organa) into her as her (Naboo) started to (TIE Advanced x1 Starfighter) back and forth in front of him. Johnny meanwhile had to slowly (Episode IV: A New Hope) himself in and out of her (Aqualish). His (Mace Windu) had been (Hoth) with her (Jedi Council), but her (Dagobah) was tight just like the last time the three of them had gotten together.
While Johnny was working on (Admiral Ozzel) Melina's (Dengar) just a little bit more Joey was having a field day with her (Darth Sidious). With long hard (Oola) he was easily (Why you stuck up...) in and out of her (half-witted...) and it was (scruffy-looking..) her (Nerf Herder!) all over his (WHO'S SCRUFFY LOOKING?). It wasn't long before Melina could feel her (Great Pit of Carkoon) tighten around Mercury's (Forest Moon of Endor).
Her body started to (Wedge Antilles) with excitement and her (Nute Gunray) tingled yearning for (Order 66) as it (Obie Wan) it's grip on Joey's (Jedi Mind Trick). Soon she felt her (Uncle Owen) accommodating Johnny's (Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back) rather nicely and could feel his (Grand Moff Tarkin) slap against her (Plo Koons). Melina (Aayla Secura) loudly as she lost (Kashyyyk) and began to (Polis Massa).
"Come on guys, (LUKE) me," Melina moaned with a smile.
"Sure thing," Johnny grinned pulling himself from her (I AM) and lowering his (YOUR FATHER).
Melina's body lurched (Biggs Darklighter) with each (Padmé Amidala) and her (The Dark Side of the Force) rocked back and forth (General Grievous) her. Even with the way her (What the Hell is Jimmy Smits doing in Star Wars?) was stretched with the two (space slug) inside it still squeezed (carbonization) as the pace became (hyperdrive) and more (Galactic Republic). Suddenly Johnny felt his (krayt dragon) start to ache and felt himself near (Wan Sandage). He quickly pulled out and thrust his (Alderaan) ridden (Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum) back into Melina's (Tatooine).
"Put it (Episode VI: Return of the Jedi)..." Melina moaned.
"I'm fixing to (Chewbacca)," Nitro replied.
"Then I want both of you in my (Jabba the Hut)."
I can't believe I blended wrestling fan fiction with Star Wars.... Jesus effing Christ.
You know... once upon a time I used to be COOL... there were SIGNS with MY NAME ON THEM on Raw and Nitro and various PPVs... now look at what I've become... look at what I'm reduced to. If I didn't think I would go straight to hell, I would be jumping right now... oh my lord.
Anyway... that's erotic fan fiction... but if you want to read something more thought provoking, powerful, and intelligent... with only 1 full out gay sex scene and another implied scene... go read And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H! I call it my own personal Sgt Pepper.
Anyway...next week will where I make it THREE weeks in a row with columns and craziness and general hilarity. Haven't the foggiest idea what I'll be doing... but you'll read it. You always do.
Oh, maybe I'll ask Sean about this Billy Firehawk dude and write about him. Who is he now? Some fat guy right? Looks Hispanic. Is he latino?
Does he wear XXX t-shirts that STILL can't cover the belly when he walks? Man, those guys are sad.
Yeah, other than that... I have nothing for next week... and probably won't haqve anything until around midnight Monday. THAT'S why I call it the Midnight News... because I don't start the fuckin' thing 'till around Midnight. In case you care.
GOSSIP, too... I'll do some gossip. Spread some bullshit around. Always fun
This is (Jar Jar Binks)