The Midnight News
Hi strokers, I'm Chris and this the Midnight News. Everyone doing well? Good. Enough small talk... let's get to it
NO ONE SACRIFICED $30 FOR THIS
Another month, another TNA PPV that managed to sandwhich itself in between WWE brand shows... another largish pile of money vomitted up by Panda Energy that they have no hope in making back....
This one, however, had the interesting selling point of being Samoa Joe's first main event exposure against honest to goodness former WCW headliners... which tells me that TNA is about to spend another half million on bringing in Goldberg and setting up that match which really has no hope of being good... (Goldberg doesn't make ANYONE look good)...
Anyway... I didn't get the show... but that doesn't mean I can't OPINIONATE!!!
1) JUSHIN "THUNDER" LIGER vs. PETEY WILLIAMS
-The power went out all across the boards during this... which is funny. TNA is run by Panda ENERGY and the lights went out... heh ha ha ha... ho ho ho
Williams won with that Flippy Piledriver that is silly because the guy taking the move has to work harder than Williams
2)AMERICA'S MOST WANTED vs. A.J. STYLES & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
I still can't tell these Most Wanted guys apart... and I doubt precious few really CAN... which means their gimmick is A LIE!!!!!
AMW won anyway... boy, for the "FACE OF TNA" AJ sure gets pinned a lot... and Daniels hasn't won shit since Joe waddled into Orlando
3) RAVEN vs. A1
Raven, who won and then got into a scuffle with Larry Zybyszko in a fight wrestling fans have been DYING to see, is looking alarmingly like Jerry Lewis during the two telethons where his head was all blown up and he couldn't stand for more then two minutes.
4) BOBBY ROODE (w/Scott D'Amore) vs. RHINO
No one cares
5) B.G. JAMES & KIP JAMES vs. TEAM 3D
Before the match, Road Dogg admitted to not paying attention to his won/loss record (maybe because in the game of life, Triple H is ahead by 1009878 points!) The Outlaws beat 3D by some malicious forein objecting which Tenay said was payback from a WWF angle from 6 years ago. That is just DUMB booking on about 30 levels.
6) WORLD X CUP GAUNTLET
Now really... no one CARES
But Nash showed up, Jackknifed Puma and said, "Is one of these guys incognito, or was this the incognito battle royal, because I don't know who the hell any of these guys are?" HAHAHAHAH YOU AND ME BOTH, BIG KEV!!! MAN, I LOVE THIS BIG ASSHOLE!!!!
7) SAMOA JOE & STING vs. JEFF JARRETT (w/Gail Kim) & SCOTT STEINER
All you need to know is... Joe held up his end. He won too... and ignored Sting as he got beaten up afterwards.
8) CHRISTIAN vs. ABYSS
Christian won a dandy match... Mitchell rolled around in some thumbtacks.
Great recap!! All you need to know is right here!! Boo-effing-ya!
THE PRISON WIFE
In prison (or, as us hardened tough guys call it: "The Joint"), some inmates eventually become "Prags"
If you ever watched Oz, you know what I mean.
PRAGS are weak men who surrender themselves, both body and spirit, to stronger inmates in exchange for protection. Their duties include blowjobs, opening up the anus for some nasty intrusion, hair braiding, food fetching, and general errands.
Now in wrestling... there are Alpha Dogs around who have their own prags. Now obviously, (or at least Lord I hope not), there is no buttsex, no penis suckling, and no one's braiding anyone's hair... but the Alpha Dog does stuff to maintain dominance and his prag doesn't say a single WORD about it!
Hulk Hogan is the QUINTESSENTIAL Alpha Dog! He is a leader, the head honcho, the guy who is always first in line. Hulk Hogan is in no one's Posse, Hulk Hogan RUNS the Posse!
Hogan has friends and takes care of them... by that I mean whatever he does, wherever he goes, his friends get to come along and he can get them hired. This is proven time and time again.
Let's take... oh... Jimmy Hart. Now Hart could have had a nice, long, generous career on his own. After a brief run as a member (lead singer) of a band called The Gentrys in the 60's, he started in Memphis, gained famed by hooking up with Andy Kaufman during his in-joke feud with Jerry Lawler. Found his way to the WWF where he was given a microphone and the gimmick "The Mouth of the South". He used his musical background to get into the WWF's in-house music division and created all those crappy theme songs that the Superstars used. He had a nice career going.
Then he became friends with Hulk Hogan... became Hogan's prag... and, much like Ed Leslie, Hart got to ride Hogan's coattails for many, many years longer than anyone needed...
Starting with WCW, where Hogan made them give Hart a contract and Hart, who was ALWAYS a Heel manager, suddenly babyfaced up and was Hogan's manager. Out of nowhere... no rhyme, no reason... just WHAM one second he was a Heel, the next he was in the Hulkster's corner. BLAM... just like that a Face... to be cheered. No backstory given... just, "Hey, there's HULK HOGAN withjimmyhart. GO, HULK, GO BEAT UP THAT RIC FLAIR!!"
It PAYS to be Hogan's friend. Hart rode out a nice WCW contract for YEARS during the Hogan era. He showed up at ringside from time to time (either as a Face or a Heel, it didn't matter), took his famous(ly boring) "Jimmy Hart Bump" where he would get knocked off the ring apron and land gently to the floor, and wrestle radio DJs. Harmless stuff.
And when WCW folded and Jimmy Hart started looking into starting a new promotion, the XWF was born. And who headlined? Hulk Hogan.
And when XWF imploded... who was left holding the bag? Jimmy Hart. Hogan had taken off to sign with the WWE and headline Wrestlemania against the Rock.
And someone in there, Hart enjoyed a lengthy run in TNA, most of which was as Hogan's spokesperson, "He's coming Jarrett, and WHAT'CHA GONNA DOOOO".... but Hogan never showed....
And, years later, when Hulk Hogan was inducted in the 2005 WWE Hall of Fame, guess who was inducted right with him? That's right... Jimmy Hart.
Would Hart have been inducted without Hogan? Of COURSE... but Hogan is the star, the center stage, the centerpiece... it would be a highly rated ahow... a must watch ceremony. Why not step in front of the spotlight while it's shining so bright?
Yep... it pays to be Hogan's friend... even when it looks like you're just riding his coattails. It's how the Hulkster likes it... being the Alpha Dog... being the sun by which all his buddy planets revolve around and live off of.
But Jimmy Hart is a smart man... and wants to be known for more than just a wrestling manager and a FOH.... so no one was too upset... and in fact, many people applauded him for branching out on his own and trying something WITHOUT the Hulkster's approval....
On April 26th, Jimmy Hart proudly unveiled The Mouth of the South High Energy Drink... a high octane heart SLAMMER that will drop kick YOUR day into HIGH GEAR... available at all participating 7-11 stores!
And why NOT? Who DOESN'T want to be like Jimmy Hart? High voiced, jittery, coked out... with special collectable cans featuring Jimmy with all the big time wrestling stars he has managed over the years.
Well, okay... it's a dumb idea... but the hell with it... it's Jimmy Hart doing something on his own... breaking AWAY from Hogan's shadow... when this news broke out, I'm sure EVERYONE, just like me, assumed Hogan gave Hart a big thumbs up and a cheerful "good luck braaa" and a soon to be RINGING ENDORSEMENT... Hart is, after all, Hogan's buddy... why WOULDN'T Hogan root for his friend's success?
On May 5th, Hulk Hogan went on the Leno Show and announced he was introducing Hulk Energy Powered by Socko... a high octane LEGDROP that will give your day A BIG BOOT into high gear. Why not "Hulk Up" with this delicious blend of vitamins and taurine! Available where Energy drinks are sold... INCLUDING 7-11.
And... not a week later... Jimmy Hart's energy drink just got overshadowed by his best friend....
And Hart... like the Biggest Prison Wife in all of Wrestling... smiled and clapped and wished his friend all the best...
It pays to be a Friend of the Hulkster. And don't you forget it.
SEE NO MOVIE
You're name is Glen Jacobs. You are a Professional Wrestler.
Because you were smart enough to try to score a big fat raise during contract negotiation, you finagled your way into a starring role in a movie. Your face is on the poster. You are the LEAD.
It's a horror flick and you're the horror... but who cares? Robert Englund got filthy rich off Freddie Kruger and the dude who played Jason Vorhees became a historical pop-culture icon! This is the ticket to the BIG TIME!
THEN you learn that your movie will be opening as a Summer release! That is BIG TIME... it means they have FAITH in your drawing power!
Are you thinking cross-over like the Rock? of COURSE you are!
Then you learn that you are opening on the same day as Over the Hedge (for kids) and The Davinci Code (for everyone else)... it's okay... teenage boys are your target demo... you'll make a buck. Critics from every newspaper and magazine will be mentioning your name! AWESOME!!
Then... you are told how they plan on promoting this movie on Raw... they will use the opening date... May 19th, as a trigger to drive you insane and evil! Okay, you think, it's PROMOTION... it's going to get butts in the theater! It's going to make me a STAR!!
Then... at the Hollywood PREMIERE of the movie... all your close, personal friends in the WWE shows up to shake hands, walk the red carpet, and gush over how good the movie is. They came because they were told to, and many of them really wanted to go home for their much needed 3 days off on their own free will because they want to see you succeed.
THEN... just as you were about to change up into a nice outfit and greet the audience as a movie star making his feature film DEBUT.... management takes you aside and tells you you are going... TO YOUR OWN MOVIE PREMIERE... in your wrestling gear... without a shirt.
And if you smile... or look even REMOTELY happy or proud... you'll be jobbing out to Goldust for 12 weeks straight on Heat
So you show up in your gear... and you're shirtless... and you're grumpy... and you're angry... and you're miserable
And you're embarrassed, and you're humiliated...
And you remember... that in exchange for this starring role in a mainstream Hollywood feature... which you scored during contract negotiations... you actually agreed to a CUT on your downside guarantee in trade.
You're name is Glen Jacobs. Otherwise known as Kane... and you are the first person in history to get to star in his own movie and STILL get screwed over in the process.
THE INDY SLUMLORD
When I came to DOI, I knew I'd be reaching a new audience. I also knew that this new audience might be a little... umm... unimpressed by my antics.
I mean... I'm a strange kind of Net writer... I don't focus on wrestling details. I don't present news as matter of fact. I take the news... and anything else I find amusing, and present it here as an all-around entertainment column. And I'm the main event... my attitude, my personality, my JACK... it's what runs this engine... it makes me either loved or hated... but NEVER boring... unless I'm stinking up the place BIG TIME... (like two weeks ago)...
But I knew that I was going to have to win some people over... and put some people in their place... which is what I have to do now.
One of the rules of wrestling... when it comes to reading Internet bullshit, is to never admit it or piss on someone who wrote something. Now there are exceptions to the rule.... some old school ECW hacks like Steve Corino has been known to name a net writer and go off on him... going so far as to challenge him to a fight (done twice within the last 5 years). Some workers ALWAYS reference Meltzer or Keller here and there... which is okay... they are newsbreakers... it's allowed... a little silly, but allowed...
But no one... and I mean NO ONE... should be bringing my name up... I don't break news... I'm not respected... I just entertain and bring THOUSANDS of secret readers over here to quietly enjoy my columns in private. That's what I do... been doing it for years.
Plus... well... it's just not smart to mess with me in writing. You're not good enough. None of you are. No one can out write me... no one can beat me when it comes to a word battle. It's what I do and I do it WELL...
So here comes Frank Goodman, for those who come to DOI just for me (and there are a LOT... hopefully, they stick around)... Frank Goodman is an Indy promoter who runs a couple of shows a year out of Queens. Off hand, I know his shows are filled with semi and former-big names and "ticket sellers"... which are really green, inexperienced rookies who get to work a match in exchange for shilling tickets to family, friends, and on the street... they also clean up afterwards, break down the ring... sweep up.
Goodman doesn't work. He runs these UXW (the very original USA EXTREME WRESTLING) shows... which can drag on for up to 5 hours.... complete with a 20 minute promo from the "Owner"... Frank Goodman... which is a gimmick that is NOT derivative of "Mr McMahon"... uh uh... no way... a few times a year... bankrolled by his wife, Kathleen, and Anthony DeBlasi... a rich friend who's Daddy died and gave him a small fortune to piss away.
He also takes years and years of listening to Howard Stern and makes use of it by talking to ring rats on a special Hotline... no where else can you find out if Dana Dameson is a three input woman.... and he gets to cut promos... and he gets to be unfunny.
Who does Hotlines anymore?
Oh, and Goodman is also known for strong-arming name workers to blow off "competing" Indy shows and work strictly for him. Sort of making him a low-budget, small-time Northeast Indy Racketeer...
An Indy Wrestling Slum Lord. He's also Jewish... and has a fat neck... and a fat body which covers his muscles. Which means he lifts but doesn't do cardio... and can be seen slamming cheeseburgers at his local Arbys. Often times he appears to be chewing while doing his Hotline reports... mouth stuffed with Matzo balls and
bagels with lox while asking some grossed out rat if she's ever muff dived.
High class, this boy.
Anyway... that's Frank Goodman... and here is what he had to say about me... prepare to squint...
ITS ONE THING FOR PEOPLE NOT IN THE WRESTLING BUSINESS TO WRITE COLUMNS ON WRESTLING AND TO TAKE WRESTLERS OR PROMOTERS TO TASK FOR WHAT THEY WATCH ON TV OR LIVE BUT I CANT STAND IT WHEN THESE MARKS WRITE COLUMNS AND START BASHING WRESTLERS OR PROMOTERS...........I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.......NOW THIS EXAMPLE MAY BE SELF SERVING BUT WHAT SOME MARK GOOF SAYS ABOUT ME DOESN'T MATTER........WHAT MATTERS IS THAT SOME GOOF MARK WOULD HAVE THE NERVE TO WRITE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT ME.................IN ENGLISH I DONT CARE WHAT THE ASSHOLE PRICK WROTE I JUST CARE THAT HE THINKS HE'S FUNNY BY WRITING IT..........THESE IDIOTS WRITE THESE COLUMNS AND USE MADE UP NAMES LIKE THEY ARE WRESTLERS WHEN THEY ARE NO MORE IN THE WRESTLING BUSINESS THEN BILLY FIREMARK THINKS HE IS!(I COULDN'T LEAVE THAT ONE ALONE!)..........SOME MORON WRITER NAMED CHRIS HYATTE WRITES A SMALL BLURB CALLING ME A FAT NECK.....NOW IF I KNEW HIM AND HE'S JOKING THEN ITS DIFFERENT BUT FOR SOMEONE WHO WOULD BE TO SCARED TO BE IN THE SAME BUILDING AS ME TO CALL ME A NAME JUST TO FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN TO ME IS CROSSING THE LINE........AND I DONT KNOW IF CHRIS HYATTE IS A REAL PERSON OR A MADE UP GUY BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS......IF HE IS REAL THEN SOMEONE WILL POINT HIM OUT TO ME AT SOME POINT IN THE NEXT 60 OR SO YEARS THAT I STILL WILL BE WALKING AND I WILL HUMILIATE THIS GUY TO THE POINT WHERE HIS GIRLFRIEND WILL GET DRIED OUT YOU KNOW WHERE EVERYTIME SHE SEES HIM AS I WILL DO WHAT I DO BEST AND THATS STRIP HIM OF HIS MANHOOD...............NOW I EXPECT HIM TO RESPOND LIKE A SMART ASS BUT HE ONLY WILL RESPOND TO WHAT I WRITE OR SAY IF HE FEELS HE WILL NEVER RUN INTO ME........BUT TRUST ME AT SOME POINT UNLESS HIS LAST NAME IS SABIA HE WILL RUN INTO ME!
Frank Goodman... in character as the very creatively named "Masked Maniac"
Well, Frank... thanks for the promo... if this was a wrestling ring in Queens with microphones, I'd surely be schooled.... but this is the Internet... this is writing.. and this is the printed word... and school's in. Get a pencil... take some notes...
1) "Marks" buy your tickets. Marks go to your website. Marks are reading this. And Marks are the only people who you have a SHOT at reaching out to here. Only a dumb fuck nitwit would be so stupid as to refer to HIS BREAD AND BUTTER as a "Mark" in a bad way. Did the Grateful Dead piss all over the phrase "Dead Heads" Does Jimmy Buffet insult people by calliung them "Parrot Heads"? Are you such a fucking cliche that you actually think calling me a Mark is an insult? How about I call you a fucking no-talent, creatively stunted, scumbag take-off of Vince McMahon and Howard Stern? Fuckin' Mancow is fresher than your act.
2) If I'm a Mark... and I don't go to shows... then who is the guy who throws money at wrestlers that the WWE either fired or wouldn't hire? Just to hang out with them and give marks a reason to show up at your shows to hear you cut a 20 minute promo and ram a hot dog up some loser's ass? Who is the guy who pays for his own hotline to interview these wrestlers and giggle away with a mouth full of bad carbohydrates and act like he invented anything? Who's the slum lord who's Wife and Buddy load up the bankroll so making a profit doing this is only a small perk to this 6 hour masterbatory fuck-fest? Who's the asshole that name wrestlers half-ass it for and laugh all the way to the bank the next day... getting it cashed before it bounces?
I may be a Mark... but you're worse... you're a Money Mark and NO ONE takes you or your rinky dink promotion seriously. The only reason Dave Meltzer knows who you are is because DeBlasi e-mails him the times when The Rundown will be on HBO this month.
3) You do have a fat neck... its right under your second chin. Hit the treadmill, old man, before that heart just stops beating.
4) I may be a Mark... but I don't fake post on this DOI board and your own UXF board 200 times a day. All you do... from what I hear... fake post, fake post, fake post... under fake names. You're in your 40's, dude. Grow the fuck up.
5) Along with your fat neck, you have fat fucking sausage fingers... that keep slamming the CAPS LOCK BUTTON!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO YELL LIKE AN IMBECILE?? DO YOU THINK IT WILL ENHANCE YOUR POINT??? DO YOU THINK IT WILL GET YOUR MESSAGE ACROSS LOUDER AND CLEARER?? DO YOU THINK IT HIDES THAT FACT THAT YOU CAN'T SPELL ALL THAT GOOD, YOUR GRAMMAR IS ON A GRADE SCHOOL LEVEL, AND YOU FEAR APOSTROPHES??? Cutting a promo in print is different from cutting a promo on mic, fatass... you don't have to yell like a child in order to get your points across.
6) I am a real person. You don't know me. You would never be able to pick me out of a line-up. I'm also smarter than you and better at this. I also fuck a much more attractive level of girl than the skrags you surround yourself with. I'm sure your wife is pretty... and also deaf... and probably legally blind.
7) If you see me on the street... you won't do a fucking thing, bitch. No... wait... you will do something...
You'll shake my hand and thank me... because since I started writing for this DOI site... I've exposed more people who never heard of your fat neck to your product. Before I showed up, DOI was nothing but you, a couple of Indy workers and a handful of MARKS from the NY/NJ area bumming around, checking out the local news, and fake posting. Now I've brought you an honest to goodness AUDIENCE... people who thought Queens was just one of the places Heyman used to run the occasional ECW show 4 years ago. I've brought MARKS... WWE Wrestlers... the entire staff of the Torch... the entire staff of PW Insider... and maybe even Dave Meltzer to this little, teeny tiny site.
You don't believe me? ASK SEAN! Fucking kid has been doing somersaults ever since I showed up. He's actually now thinking that he can make MONEY off this site... REAL money...
(which reminds me... all you people who have been advertising your banners on this site for pennies? Get ready to renegotiate)
So... FatNeck... IF you ever happen to see me on the street... and I don't outrun you're blobby ass... I STRONGLY suggest you get on your knees and thank me for doing something you never thought possible... introducing you to some actual WRESTLING fans... for once in your ridiculous, low-rent life... I've put a spotlight on you. Now everyone gets to see just what the underside of this business is... and how sleazy money marks like you can be.
You goofy twit.
I don't want to have this conversation again. Go to work and stop embarrassing yourself, and this business.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
How dare he remake "Rear Window". The nerve. I'm glad he's dead. Fuck him for ruining a classic. Fuck Christopher Reeve and fuck you.
Flea: Who doesn't understand that he's only funny when he's not trying. The nerve... HAHAHAHAHAAA!
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*80% of all millionaires drive used cars*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
Is on hyattus. You all know he's the tits. Instead, I give you....
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
Who else has the balls to call in sick by faking a heart attack?
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Yeah, get used to this segment... it's sticking around for a while.
Why do an Impact Mop-Up when I just half-assed a Sacrifice recap? BUT I want to do SOMETHING to put a nice bowtie on this column... so why not take advantage of soemthing going down today and leave you all with...
QUESTIONS YOU HAVE TO ASK AT THE JUDGEMENT DAY PRESS CONFERENCE:
Now, of COURSE they're a joke... these WWE PPV Press Conferences. It's just the workers taking an extra trip to the city they are running a PPV at and getting themselves a few lines in the local newspaper and cutting promos on what they are going to do and how great they are. No one gets to ask questions...
BUT... since it is a Press Conference... they have to have PRESS PEOPLE there... so if you're in the Phoenix area today and manage to sneak in... there is nothing stopping you from blurting out questions... just to see what happens.
And if you are of mind to try that... might I suggest asking the following Smackdown Superstars the following questions...
To Rey Mysterio Jr
-When will you bring back those faggoty little horns?
-When you're bouncing off the Great Khali like a tennis ball do you start wondering if you should've become a drug mule instead of a wrestler?
-What's so Mysterioso about you anyway?
-Are you allowed into an R Rated movie without a parent or guardian?
-Are you still a Filthy Animal and if so, why are you against soap?
-Are you so small you need to strap a board across your back or risk falling into your wife's poochie?
-What's the deal with Mexicans and those dumb masks?
-Ever get ass raped by Bradshaw?
-While you're in town, can you mow my lawn?
-Isn't "619" just "69" with a finger up her asshole?
-Is Eddie buy-iy-ing the stairway... to heaven?
-Dude... seriously... those bitch tits of yours.... DUDE?
-Aren't you seriously walking the line between just hazing and being a closet homo?
-How come you can't get Simmons hired as your personal butler?
-Why does a cowboy who uses mooing cows in his theme song hail from New York?
-Who's cock are you sucking to get this spot of yours?
-Shouldn't the "Clothesline from Hell" be renamed "Laziest Finisher Since the Ronnie Garvin Knockout Punch"
-Does the Undertaker ever go up to you and say, "Just remember, son, you used to be my Acolyte!"
-If Benoit chops you, how long does it take those tits to stop jiggling?
-Aren't your promos the living definition of "cheap heat"?
To Kurt Angle
-Can you explain why you've gotten so small?
-Do you hold your child in your arms and say, "One day you'll be pushing Daddy's wheelchair!"
-Do you fear the day Austin comes back full-time and Vince orders all the baldies to regrow their hair?
-How was Dawn Marie in the sack? Did she give up the anus?
-How long does it take you to get out of bed?
-If you turn your head quick will you become paralyzed?
-Isn't it cool to have a numb hand? Jerking off feels like a handjob from a stranger!
-When can we get the goofy comic Angle back?
-Just once, before you drop dead, can you put on that goofy little cowboy hat again?
-Anyone ever tell you that you will never look like a tough guy no matter how intensely you scream?
-Is it true Orton was suspended because he patted you on the back and you were a quadripalegic for 4 hours?
-How does it feel to be Puder's bitch?
-Which is which now?
-Hey Melina, what smells?
-Is it true Johnny can fit his cock in that big gap between your teeth?
-Hey Melina, which parent was the ape?
-When you do those splits backstage, do you sometimes get a stray McPinkie up the ol' pooper shoot?
-How does Foley's spunk taste?
-When will you be sent to Raw so Stratus can show you how its done?
To Booker T
-Can I dig WHAT?
-Do you feel the urge to get your "gat" whenever you drive by a Wendys?
-When was the last time you returned your brother's phone calls?
-When was the last time you read a book?
-How many times will they kill time by throwing you and Benoit in a Best of Seven series?
-Didn't you carjack my Mazda last night?
-Can I have my wallet back, please?
-How many white rats do you have?
to the Undertaker
-How come you aren't promising to make anyone famous anymore? Is it because you're on Smackdown so no one is watching?
-Since when so "Dead Men" dye their hair?
-How can you be the Scourge of the Underworld with such a redneck, hillbilly accent?
-How do you justify a near 50 year old man wearing eye shadow?
-Ain't you tired?
-What does it say when your biggest thrill in the last 12 years is when you got to ride your motorcycle really fast down an extra-long aisle?
-Who will you evenutally put over at Wrestlemania or do you plan on being an asshole about this silly record?
-Can you pinpoint exactly when Triple H became more powerful than you?
-Why haven't you killed Johnny Ace for letting Cowboy Bob bleed his Hep C blood all over you?
-Have you lost count of all the rats you quiffed over the years?
-Where's your movie?
-Admit it, you laughed like a loon when you saw Jacobs show up at his own movie premiere in his wrestling gear.
-Jesus Christ, dude. STOP EATING!
And... I'm done.
Next week.... more... including a strange story about things I've said about Dave Scherer... and who went crying to DOI about it.
This is Hyatte