The Midnight News
Mr. Hyatte: A compliment about TNA's good pay and limited schedule!!! I am stunned! welcome back from vacation,sir!.
Good lord... he's a psycho.
Hey, just a quick note to say that your uh...'commentating' on Goodman was extremely well called/done...and appreciated. Your column is very entertaining.
"Unnamed Indy Worker"
Thank you Tal... uhh... Unnamed Indy Worker!
Hi Cyber stalkers, I'm Chris and this the Midnight News. Doing something different this week... rather than load ojn on serveral small stories, I'll fill this column up on three BIG stories... well, not really STORIES but recaps and observations. I don't do stories. I have no stories. None. Never did yet somehow I manage to keep an audience. Go figure.
ANYWAY, let me go bold here because this is an Important Announcement: due to time constraints, I have to SPLIT this into two columns... here's the first one... the second one comes tomorrow with a RAW Mop-Up and the DOI Top 250 Indy workers... yeah, I'm doing two this week... so there is NO reason why I can't get double the hits... none!
Okay then, off we go...
A HIDDEN MESSAGE; A SECRET NOTE
The following message will be understood by exactly one person... and it ain't YOU, asshole.
Quit being an asshole. Don't deny yourself the greatest thing you ever lucked into. Change your mind about something for once in your life. You've got NOTHING to lose here. And there is a special message or two waiting on your back-up, don't pretend like you're not curious. Did I mention that you're being an asshole? I'm not wearing any pants right now. That's right.
Well, not exactly the most cryptic of notes... but it'll do.
Oh blow me... I'm just a squirrel trying to protect his nuts. Sheesh.
ANOTHER ONE NIGHT STAND... FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER ONE EVERY TUESDAY
Ya know... this fuggin' Mike Johnson recently went on a PASSIONATE rant about how the NEW ECW is BULLSHIT... in a LOOOOONG essay, he basically boils things down to, "Vince doesn't know the HISTORY and thus, this can't be ECW."
No, stupid, it can't. YOUR ECW went out of business because YOUR ECW didn't generate enough money to become profitable and pay guys to stay because YOUR ECW had fans who would cheer and clap and chant and go nuts but didn't pay enough money to keep it going.
This NEW ECW now has backing from the WWE, this NEW ECW will now tour and keep wrestlers gainfully employed and active and with a steady income. This NEW ECW will be allowed to operate on its own and blossom into whatever it's going to end up like.
And this NEW ECW is going to let wre4stlers who want to WRESTLE do so.
Oh, and this NEW ECW won't comp Internet writers... and that is the real issue, when its all said and done.
The OLD ECW was about pride and passion and professional wrestling. The NEW ECW will be about pride and passion and professional wrestling and turning a profit.
Gee fucking whiz... what a horrible idea. So of course Johnson's gonna shit on it and declare it a joke before he sees a single show... that's what net guys do... declare it a failure right off the bat and then forget they ever did so after it turns out pretty good.
God damn tool.
Anyway, I watched the show! No, I swear I did! Here's what happened...
-Heyman opened things with a spirited promo about how the DEAD has RISEN and how the FANS were to blame! The truth is, Heyman has more fucking lives than a god damn cat. Good promo, too... very intense.
-Tazz came out.... well... waddled, really... but who cares, he's having fun, doing what he likes, has tons of money... so what if he now looks like a giant orange traffic cone.
-Tazz hit the ring, assumes the corner position, and crossed his arms and tried to look intense... smirking the whole time.
-Jerry Lawler came out... with his crown... which is now a 35 year old gimmick. Lawler surveyed the crowd with a shit eating grin and strode to the ring. Jerry Lawler can and SHOULD give lessons on how to put the corwd in the palm of his hand... he does it so well and so seemlessly that people tend to not notice.
-Lawler faced off with Tazz, then Joey Styles jumped him from behind. Tazz started to laugh. Lawler flipped Styles over then went for the Piledriver. Tazz choked him out. Lawler tapped. The act of laying his arm across Lawler's neck proved too much for the tubby Human Buffett Machine... winded and sweaty. It ain't 1998 anymore, kids.
-Randy Orton came out and was the first WWE guy to realize that the ECW aisle is a LOT more narrow and the ECW fans are a LOT closer than in the WWE... for an instant, I thought he was about to freak out and call his psychotherapist.
-Angle came out... I LOVE the way he chews on his mouthpiece... very intense.
-This is the NEW Kurt Angle... with the same old broken neck and glassy eyes...
-After being punked around a bit, Orton was invited to slap a headlock on Angle... he did so, three times, and was jerked around for it. Out-wrestled!
-Fans screamed, "YOU SUCK COCK" at Orton... wow, how did they know? Not even Meltzer is revealing that tidbit.
-It was all Angle... except for the times it was Orton...
-Ankle Lock made the tap out. Orton sold it HARDCORE... and cracked me up when he demanded TWO Refs to help him limp to the back ("GET ANOTHER REF OUT HERE FOR CHRISSAKES!!")... then Orton managed to wave at the fans. The boy is good... he's real good.
-This was a good match... oh, I'm sorry... it didn't involve someone who was watching their Heyman signed checks bounce around 6 years ago... so it SUCKED!!! YEAH!! IT SUCKED!!
-Tony Mamaluke and Little Guido were joined by Big Guido... thus, the FBI is reborn... to fight Super Crazy and Tajiri... the Wops won but the Big Show came out and destroyed everyone later. Unless Tommy Rich is involved, this just AIN'T the FBI... sorry... no.
-JBL popped out from the balcony (with some douchebag in a Rey Mysterio mask for no reason other than he's a tool...) and cut a looong promo about how he shouldn't even be there. he also goofed on the Blue Meanie... which was hysterical. He also said he was the new Smackdown color man. Let's hope he gets drunk for every show.
-A DAMN old looking Sabu fought a DAMN midget looking Rey Mysterio. There were two killer spots here... the first one damn near killed Sabu and the second one damn near killed NBC's support of putting this nonsense on their cable airwaves. To show just how wildly INTENSE (fuck the X-Division) ECW is, they had the match stopped before Rey would get too injured to work the houses for his REAL job.
-Dreamer, Funk, and the out of nowhere Beaulah Mc... Mag... oh fuck it... no one else is bothering to spell her name, so I won't either fought Mick Foley, Edge, and Lita. Foley, Edge, and Lita all took turns cutting promos before-hand... Foley made history by being the first person EVER to reference the Fan HATRED of Stephanie McMahon.
-This match had tables, barbed wire bats, and board with barbed wired glued to it, more barbed wire, a flaming board with barbed wire, Dreamer getting a barbed wire bat rammed into his nuts (I swear he does this just so he can do that impassioned "Ah, I've been hardcored in my NUTS" howl of his) and Mick Foley catching on fire. It was so intense that Terry Funk had to take a break backstage for a few minutes to rest. Edge ended up spearing Beaula then dry humping her for the win.
-It was at this point where I realized just how much FUN the WWE guys were having... they were cutting lose in an intimate atmosphere and just going crazy... it was great. Edge was having the time of his life and Orton was too.
-Balls Mahony fought that Jap... Balls won. This is all gimmicks and time-worn, traditonal moves. There's a reason Balls had to go back to bouncing after ECW folded.
-In what was the single biggest statement that this is NOT the WWE... Eugene hit the ring and stayed in it, annoying and aggravating everyone until the Sandman (who has NEVER looked better) came out and kendo sticked his ass away. I'm sort of surprised the Vince put this in.
-Cena and Van Dam went at it. Cena was tortured at first, with the very inventive bit where he kept trying to throw his shirt into the crowd, and the crowd kept throwing it back. Four times.
-Favorite chant: "SAME OLD SHIT"... "SAME OLD SHIT"
-Second favorite chant: When Van Dam CLEARLY fucked up a spot... the fans refused to blame him and chanted "CENA FUCKED IT UP" anyway... heh.
-Cena was booked like the superior worker... dominating most of the match. He went full out Heel mid-way through.
-This was the first time that Cena was clearly rattled, I think.
-No one questioned why Nick Patrick was reffing there tonight... not even me. Oh, wait, yeah I did... my parrot had no answers and my texts went ignored.
-In the end, Cena was pinned by Van Dam after a Heyman count.... although this was booked from the get-go... one must think that if Cena DID go over, the fans WOULD have rioted... as the sign promised.
-What the hell was there a sign for SCOOPS.COM doing on this show? Isaacs ran offline YEARS ago!
-Oh, and just like last year, when Steve Austin came out and this officially became a WWE PPV, Edge came out and speared Cena into a table (setting up the RVD pin)... thus reminding us just WHO was running this show... there's a RAW to think about tomorrow night and a PPV to sell in two weeks... HARDCORE IS HARDCORE BUT THERE ARE STILL STORYLINES TO WORRY ABOUT, GODDAMMIT!!!
-Okay... so this wasn't much of a recap... but it's a dang good show... everyone who had a day job just kicked back and went nuts... my only issue is that so far I haven't heard of any new faces coming in. No new wrestlers to BLAZE THE TRAIL... THE TRAIL OF THE EXTREEEEEME!!
Anyway... order the damn show... skip Vengence and the Great American Bash... get the TNA show next week too...
And to summerize... in case you aren't FULLY AWARE of what's happening... what we now have is Vince McMahon's version of Ring of Honor... and they will be playing at the exact same markets...
Saplosky is fucked.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
...Three Men and a Baby?
Oh yeah, I remember that movie. Magnum was in it. And that cocksucker, and that other cocksucker too.
Flea: who's advice I DO listen to.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*A study concludes that kids who snore do poorly in school.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
Well... DUH.... kids who snore wake up 3 or 4 times a night without knowing it... that's what sleep apnea is.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
His "Jackknife" Powerbomb is maybe the laziest Finisher of its kind but god DAMN does he make it work!!
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Ya know, he doesn't even follow it through, he just lifts the bastard up and let gravity do the rest.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Ahhh, why not!
-Opens with a video compilatory thing-a-mabob detailing all there is, all there can be, EVERYTHING THAT MAKES UP THE WONDER OF... King of the Mountain. I have totally blanked on the rules to this match? Is it a gauntlet? It's a gauntlet, right? I bet the black dude comes out first. The black dude ALWAYS comes out first.
-Scott Steiner says that he walks through life PISSED OFF... well, maybe if he didn't inject enough horse urine to shrivel his wad into the size of a green beran, he'd be a lot more chipper!
-Sting says he's not going to let Steiner kill him because HE'S THE STINGER AND IT'S SHOWTIME FOLKS!! OWWWWWW... plus he's got about 8 more months of a contract to collect on... OWWWWWWWW
-Jeremy Borash stood quietly and dreamed of Puerto Rican boys and the nasty/exciting things they do in bus depot stalls for $20 while Jeff Jarrett gave Steiner a pep talk. Borash dresses like his lifelong fantasy was to snort blow off the penis of Truman Capote in the VIP room of Studio 54 in 1978.
-Mike Tenay welcomes any Sci Fi fans who might be tuning in to check out what this rasslin is all about now that their channel is carrying it. He then declared that TNA is the "Romulan Ale" of professional wrestling! "PREPARE TO BE BEAMED UP, YOU GEEKS!" screamed the Professor.
-Scott Steiner frenched kissed his bicep as he walked out. I french kiss the webbing between my thumb and forefinger whenever I masterbate. It ALMOST feels like TONGUE!
-Sting came out. IT'S A THIRD HOUR OF NITRO QUALITY EVENT TO KICK OFF TOTAL NON-STOP ACTION!!!
-Don West calls this rasslin's version of "Ali/Frazier". Which one is Kelsey Grammar now? Gotta be Sting.
-They hook up, Sting goes to TOWN!! OWWWWW
-Sting is texted a reminder that he's not getting paid to go to town during a match and hustles back to the ring before they stop the check. OWWWWWW
-These two 40 something NEW FACES OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING continue to fight like their LIVES DEPENDED ON IT (eg: half-assing all the way, baby!) right up and through the evenings first set of...
-The action was SO INTENSE that Tenay and West could HARDLY find room to plug that next week's Imapct will be an hour later because the Ultimate Fighters need an extra hour to really choke the shit out of each other... so stay up 'till 1 am watching rasslin' on a Thursday night... to hell with your job!
-Samoa Joe's DVD is coming... of course, you can see every match of his on You Tube... but look for the Easter Egg which features Joe at the "Old Country Buffet"... you WILL question the existence of God after watching it.
-Earl Hebner moved like a 60 year old man while getting in the way of a Stinger Splash... and lemme tell ya', Sting wasn't exactly breaking the sound barrier executing the move either. Down he went. Tenay screamed, "IT'S MONTREAL, 1997 ALL OVER AGAIN!!"
-Gail Kim came out... she could single handidly bring TNA the bla... uhh... URBAN audience. Those urbans... they LOVE them Geisha babes.
-Kim got slammed for her troubles... Jarrett ran out and hit the Stroke. Sting doesn't sell something as lame as that... but enough hijinks ensued so that we got ourselves a Steiner DQ and Sting goes to the main event. Jarrett was beside himself... and in his rage hit himself with his guitar... neither Jarrett sold.
-Then everyone involved in the King of the Mountain made the obligatory "No, no, this is a legit main event" run in... Christian ended up standing alone. You know, Christian didn't start being someone until after he started storyline fucking Stratus... Trish makes them and breaks them. She can't sing, tho'.
-Steiner wasn't finished. He stood at ringside and screamed that he was JEWED!!... and he ain't leaving until he gets what he DESERVES... then he started singing "Mandy" for no reason.
-Christie Hemme said that Steiner isn't leaving and Joe is up next... what will happen? WHAT WILL HAPPEN? (I'm sure it will involve food)
-Steiner was still in the ring... HOLDING THE SHOW HOSTAGE! Out came some asshole. Steiner scared the piss out of him and the kid hightailed it back to the Indys. Out came Samoa Joe. He marched right into Steiner's face. Steiner grimaced and said, "Ewww, sardines." Steiner adviced Joe about the danger of eyeballing him. Joe continued. Steiner piefaced Joe. Things broke down into a senseless brawl. If Joe can sell for a 180 pound midget like CM Punk for three hour-long matches, he better DAMN WELL act like Steiner is absolutely destroying him.
-Kevin Nash allows Alex Shelly to videotape him as he shows a pie chart which details how he intends on handling Chris Sabin. Expect at least a dozen knee lifts.
-Nash intends to make his X-Division DEBUT next week! And said something about a "Size Matters on a Pole" match... which I HAVE to think involved a giant dildo.
-Hemme says the Team 3D is up next... try to spot how many secret messages she sends to Triple H during these segments.
-Jeremy Borash runs down the hall chasing Larry Zbyszko... then catches him and starts to pant from all that running. Zbyszko looks at him with about as much disgust as possible then pretends like he was just asked a question about booking Joe and Steiner for the next PPV... he said he is paid by the show so he'll guarantee himself a spot in next week's Impact and hold off on any decisions until then... then that bald ref who is involved in some sort of angle with Zbyszko which no one is paying attention to runs out and says the new Head of TNA is there and will have a decision within the next 30 minutes. Zbyszko said, "What? Who's trying to undermine me like that? Who would dare? DID TNA HIRE MY EX WIFE?? THAT BITCH!!" The ref just blinked at him. He was at a loss for words.
-As Sonjay Dutt had a rollicking match against some dude possibly named "Lester" (I'm not paying attention to NAMES... Jesus, people... I was pretty drunk by this time)... Konnan joined the announce team and called TNA a bunch of racists... Mike Tenay seems to have learned that he can sell his sentences a LOT better if he points his finger around while saying them... the symbolism, of course, is that he is JABBING HIS FINGER AS HE MAKES HIS POINT!!!
-Sadly, Konnan made it through the wholke segment without calling ANYONE a "strawberry"... he said he invented the Octagon... which West said, "Wrong show, you moron... ".
-Tenay POINTED out (with his finger AND words... boy don't miss a trick) that Sonjay Dutt is from India... Konnan said guys with dopey names don't count. Man makes sense.
-The match ended and Konnan tried to rally the latino audience at home to hit the streets and RIOT.... it's 11:35 on a Thursday or Saturday night... chances are whatever Latino crowd TNA has is probably already flying high and mellowed out on weed and Purple Passion. And possibly sitting around the table, shirtless, playing cards and waiting for Denzel Washington to show up with Ethan Hawke and a bag full of money. They ain't gonna be rioting, yo.
-Christie Hemme said that decisions will be made VERY SOON... then winked and said, "P.L., my nipples still get so HARD" Oh dear lord.
-The Team 3D promise a "Bingo Hall" beating on the James Gang. Well, Buh Buh made the promises... D-Von stood in the back and yelled, "I 34.... J 14.... M 21.... E 8...."
-Team Canada took on The James Gang and Chris Sabin. Scotty D'Amore came out all sweaty and exhausted and tried to eat some sort of Little Debbie Snack cake right in front of the camera so Bobby Roode could take it away and bitch at him about training. We are informed that D'Amore is in heavy training for his handi-capped match with Roode against Rhyno. Scotty D'Amore's over-acting makes the McMahons look like the fucking Barrymores. I hate that asshole. I DO NOT WANT HIM ON MY SCREEN OR IN MY LIFE!!!!
-(sadly... replace "SCREEN" with "BUDDY LIST" and you have... oh, nevermind)
-Anywhoo... Nash showed up to watch Sabin.... Billy Gunn had another silly hair style... Jesse james is another one who can get bent (and probably has, OFTEN)... someone won and then Hemme showed up and gave West a note saying Steiner/Joe on PPV.... Tenay screamed, "TNA DOESN'T NEED DR WHO OR CYLONS TO TAKE IT TO THE EXTREEEEEEEEEME!!" and...
-The show ends.
Oh, I think we can end this now. I've had enough.
Tomorrow, the RAW Mop-Up and the DOI 250 rag session!! Yes, TWO columns in a week! Who's the daddy? WHO??
And next week... MORE!! And a new book for you to read. Feel the excitement.
Oh look, we're at the halfway point... wonder what happens at the end. Damned if I know.
This is Hyatte