Don't forget to check out Part I this week by going to:
The Midnight News
Hi Toe Suckers, I'm Chris and this is the PROMISED part two Midnight News... a day late, but here.
Didn't get to a Raw Mop-Up... that ain't happening... but since I'm here, and I promised something... I thought I'd Mop SOMETHING up...
Soooo, OH, but first...
A SECRET MESSAGE; A HIDDEN NOTE
No one's gonna get this except for ONE person... well, Flea will get it too...
"Maybe" is neither yes nor no... but given the history, I'm assuming its yes.
Oh shut UP, assholes...
THE ECW MOP-UP
-Word is Joey Styles got on mic before the cameras went on and told the crowd to keep the vulgarity on the down low because there were FAMILES there to see Rey Mysterio! The crowd told Styles to go fuck himself. Styles shrugged and started undoing his fly before Tazz ran... err... waddled in and told Jopey it was just an expression. Man, that Joey really IS just a puppet!
-Highlights from the PPV... according to Dave Scherer, there were very LITTLE highlights... it should be noted that Scherer USED to get into these ECW shows for free... and this show was held in Jersey, where he lives... and he watched it from home... PUT IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE!! FIGURE IT OUT!!
-Opening theme... not bad.
-Camera zooms every which way... say goodbye to the intimate atmosphere... this is a FULL building filled with bored fans who are dreading the Great Khali's upcoming appearence.
-Paul Heyman comes out and starts catching up the newbies on how things WORKED in the Bingo Hall 5 years ago... "Look, marks... on my show I made EVERYONE look strong with about 19 run-ins for EVERY title match... Rob Van Dam is the fucking champion and that's all there is to it!" Then he brought Rob Van Dam out with his belt on his shoulder and a look that said, "How'd I pull THIS off?"
-We are in Penn Station University. They have a University for Subway operators? Holy cow!... sorry, I had that joke for the Raw Mop-Up and LOVED IT SO...
-Heyman awarded RVD a brand new ECW championship title... RVD lugged it on his other shoulder, so both belts were side by side... the WWE spinner was about twice as large... oh yes, there is symbolism there... oh for the love of God YES!
-RVD teased the old marks by silently debating on whether to toss away the WWE belt... then seemed to recall just what WONDERS that move did for Shane Douglas's career and opted to keep them both. He marveled at the WWE belt's spinning abilities. I watched the belt spin a few times.... so pretty... so mesmorizing.... lookatitspin.... loocluck cluck cluck cluck cluck BEYARK.... I'M A CHICKEN... CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK...
-.... whoa... what happened... and why am I sitting on a softball? No, I WON'T move it thank you very much...
-Edge came out as Heyman's invited guest... Lita came out with the titties a'flappin... three live (one sorta) shows in three days has left Lita looking a bit... rough... rougher than usual, at least. Edge congratulated RVD on a job well done and how it'll be an honor to face him at Vengence. They shook hands... both men sniffed their fingers afterwards.
-Then Edge speared RVD... Heyman, acted outraged... ECW is all about violence and mutilation and pain... but to turn on someone? THIS IS NOT OUR ECW!!! THIS IS NOT THE BINGO HALL!!!
-Edge took off in the crowd... Styles said he doesn't have the NERVE to walk through the ECW locker room! (Yeah, that Stevie Richards is so damn THREATENING!)... John Cena shows up and catched Edge from behind and punches him back to ringside. Somehow, he lost his shirt in the process... (must be a SHOOT, PEOPLE!)
-Cena and RVD took turns beating on Edge, then on each other. Then Cena whacked Heyman for good measure. The ECW locker room CHARGED out... but the WWErs had left. Styles screamed, "Paul!! PAUL!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!! SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO SAY!!" slight pause... then... "VINCE FOR PRESIDENT!! STEPHANIE FOR QUEEN!!! DIXIE CARTER'S BABY IS A DARKIE!!" The chaos continued as we were sent to the evening's first set of...
-commercials... Matt Laurer's gonna tell us ten ways the world will end... this is SERIOUS stuff... he's doing it without a necktie.
-Backstage... TOD GORDON IS BACK!!! DEAR GOD, THE BALD BARNACLE ON THE ASS CHEEK OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS BA... oh, wait, it's just Heyman without a cap on. He promises an "Invasion" on Raw next week... and by God, he's bringing Balls Mahony with him! (assuming, of course, Balls' schedule is open)
-Someone called the Zombie came out... well, stalked out with his arms out. Tazz asked, "Is this a rib?" Styles replies, "Looks like a thigh." Tazz, "Well I'm eating it anyway!" and started gnoshing.
-He entered the ring and started grunting into the mic... well by God, they found a spot for Chris Candido! GOD BLESS VINCE MCMAHON!! HE TAKES CARE OF THE BOYS!!
-Chris is looking... umm... well, he's undead... snort away, homie!
-Candido stopped grunting and groaning long enough to shake his head and say, "Could SOMEONE please point Tammy to the fruit and veggie aisle? For ONCE!" Then said, "Where am I? Jersey? That ain't too far from Queens! HEY GOODFUCK! YOU STIFFED ME ON MY LAST USA APPEARENCE, YOU SKUNK! AND THE BLOW YOU GAVE ME WAS CREMORA!! AFTERT THIS SHOW I'M COMING TO ZOMBIE FUCK YOUR WIFE!! BOOGA, BOOGA BOOGA!!"
-The Sandman came out through the crowds... stopping once to catch his breath (the Bingo Hall was a MUCH shorter trip) and drank three beers on his way... he caned up Candido and pinned him quick then left. He never had such an easy payday before...
-Some blondie is backstage and said her name is Kelly and she loves to strip... and she will be doing it shortly. This is aimed directly... DIRECTLY at the new Science Fiction crowd... because non of the Ghost Hunters EVER find a naked Ghost, goddamit.
-I'm surprised they didn't paint the bitch green
-(I have a LOT of nerve goofing on Sci Fi marks)
-DX is BACK... and ECW is promoting them... Mike Johnson just ate a box of Ho Hos in protest... well, he was going to eat them anyway, but now he has an EXCUSE!
-They showed the Tazz/Lawler match from ONS2 in it's entirety... because an hour of live action is just so IMPOSSIBLE
-Kurt Angle tossed around Justin Credible and choked him out in under 2 minutes... then kicked him out of the ring and left him laying there like he was back at Target napping away in the Lawn Furniture section. Angle got on the stick and said that Randy Orton was a DEAD MAN at the next WWE PPV.... Credible came to long enough to check his watch and said, "Shit, I'm late for an interview at Wal*Mart", and hightailed it out of there.
-Paul Heyman tried to will himself back to 1995 (his face couldn't will away 11 years of donuts, however) by cutting one of those Heyman-Intense promos about how he will now bring Extreme to Raw on Monday... does anyone ever even REMEMBER that they have this show called Smackdown that might enjoy the cross-pollination?
-Heyman says he tossed the booking sheets AWAY and now we'll have an ECW Battle Royal... fuck, I was SO looking forward to that Roadkill/Danny Doring match-up
-The blondie promises to show us her assets coming up next... the Sci Fi board just LIT UP with people screaming, "NOW WHY CAN'T MARY MCDONNELL DO THIS???"
-(Yup... a LOT of nerve)
-commercials... Matt Laurer will save us... and look damn handsome doing so.
-I just realized... Sci Fi on my TV is channel 69!!! THIS CHANNEL IS A PERFECT FIT FOR ECW!!!
-There is a Vampire outside the building... or it's Mike Johnson waiting to SUCK a free pass into the backstage... actually, just saying "waiting to SUCK" is just as effective when talking about him
-Hang on... someone's strangling a cat outside my win... oh wait, it's just my You Tube clip of Trish singing at that Canadian awards show... my bad.
-By the way... how Trish and Pam Anderson managed to make a kiss completely bland and unsexy and over-rehearsed is beyond me. Trish seriously needs to spice the personality up if she wants to cross-over... and I'M the one saying this.
-Kelly came out and stripped... she couldn't get her bra unstrapped... Jesus, it's like every third date I've ever had! WELCOME TO THE CLUB, SISTER!
-She walked off with her nips in her hands... she'll be CM Punk's first conquest once he's called up... with Stratus being second.
-Dreamer comes out... wearing a shirt that I think he designed himself.
-Sabu comes out... for a guy who's been sort of unemployed for the last 6 years... he's been in something like 4 PPVs this year!
-I can't believe that Roadkill guy is STILL working the Amish gimmick! I CAN believe that both he and Danny Doring were in the ring during the commercials, thus not getting introduced... heh... ha ha... chumps.
-Stevie Richards comes out... we are at the point where not only do we NOT miss Stevie... but we openly dread moments when they do haul him out of the mothballs.
-The FBI is out with new hire, Trinity. We had Little Guido (formerlynunzioonsmackdownasTazzfelttheneedtosay100000000timesoverthecourseof2shows), Tony Mamaluke, and Big Guido... or, as Wade Keller called him.... INSIDER Wade Keller... TRUSTED WRESTLING JOURNALIST WADE KELLER called him.... "Big Wheel"....
-sigh... children and rubes... that's all this Smart Mark crowd is
-It's a HARDCORE WEAPONS Battle Royal... and Credible snuck a crate of cookie sheets out of the Target back warehouse... so lots of shiny whacking commenced.
-It was one of those things, the gimmick you saw coming a mile away, where the Big Show eliminated everyone but forgot about Sabu who crept up behind him and jumped and got him over... throw in a homage to the Hulk Hogan/Sid/Ric Flair 1993 Royal Rumble finish and you got Sabu standing alone in the ring... and securing yet ANOTHER PPV check by getting to job to Cena at Vengence. Tazz and Styles both plugged Raw, Vengence, and all things McMahon (except Smackdown) and... didn't even bother to invite us to join them next week... ANYWAY...
-the show ends.
Well... let's see... umm...
Well, they need stars... they need warm bodies... TALENTED warm bodies... that's for sure.
Buff Bagwell available?
And um... well, I got a thing to say here... and it deserves its own segment...
Ohhh, it sucked... ohhhh it's horrible... OOOOHHHHH MCMAHON DOESN'T GET ECW.... OHHHHH VINCE MCMAHON IS RAPING OUR CHILDHOOD!!!
The fanbase has spoken... and the results aren't pretty... the New ECW is nothing more than a WWE Brand with WWE ideals and WWE thinking and the main thing that Vince wants to get over here is that all things WWE revolves around Raw... even ECW...
The "experts" have cried and whined and bitched... Bruce Mitchell already declared it dead on arrival. Wade Keller has accused Vince of not knowing the ECW product. Mike Johnson is damn near sobbing... Dave Scherer speaks as if it's all a joke... he speaks from his HOME and not there live as he is formerly accustomed when it comes to ECW.... but he's objective... oh sure.
All over... it's the same... "It's NOT ECW... it's RAW PART 2"
Oh SHUT UP... IT'S THE FIRST SHOW!! OF COURSE THERE'S A FUCKING SYNERGY!! IT'S CALLED HELPING ECW STAND ON ITS OWN TWO FEET!! YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!
Jesus Motherof CHRIST People... whine about it 6 months from now ehen it gets its legs and Vince lets it become its own entity... are you all that STUPID??? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND BY NOW HOW THIS SHIT WORKS????
THE TRUTH ABOUT ME FROM FLEA
To serve as a little buffer between segments...
The following is word for word... and probably dead true...
Me: How are the girls? (his wife - Desi, and daughter - none of your business)
Flea: Fine. They ain't here.
Me: Desi still think I'm an asshole?
Flea: HA! Newsflash... EVERYONE thinks your an asshole!
And so it goes... my legacy...
250 DOUCHEBAGS WAITING FOR A CALL FROM VINCE
So somewhere on this site is Sean's Top 250 Indy workers of all time! I'm sure you can find the link if you look hard enough. 250 guys..
Traditonally... even when I wasn't here. I'd go through the list and make bad jokes at these boys expense... usually focusing on the goofy names that we see as we go down the list... but the names aren't all THAT goofy this time around... well, they are, but they're the same names I saw last year...
So... because... well, as you can see with this column being two days late and all... I don't have the TIME to blast through ALL 250 here... and I doubt YOU have the patience... so I ran through and commented when I wanted... or when inspiration hit.
How does Sean rank these boys anyway?
1. Homicide: And it AIN'T because he's Sean's friend. It's because he'll go to your house and beat the motherfuckin shit out of you if you have a problem with this. And drink all your grape juice too.
3. Trent Acid : I have no idea who this one is... but I'm picturing a LOT of tattoos for some reason.
4. American Dragon : Stay away from mee hee... AMERICAN DRAGON, ASSHOLE LET ME BEEEE HEEEE
5. Samoa Joe : Nice thing about him is he gives it his ALL... whether it's in front of 5'000 or 50... it's a nice thing... also makes him a dumb motherfucker who gets staph infections from canvases swimming in AIDS and other Indy diseases...
7. AJ Styles : Will he work for Feinstein? For good money? Now THERE'S a conundrum
8. Christopher Daniels : Because why SHOULD TNA be the only place where the Fallen Angel gets to be Samoa Joe's bitch?
9. Steve Corino : His forehead is so wrecked he juices while eating broccoli.
10. Azraiel : Ugh, too many vowels.
11. Abyss : Will always have a home at all the Indy feds... Because let's face it... Kane could blow 90% of his earnings on crack (both male and narcotic... AND HE AIN'T NO STRANGER TO NEITHER!) and STILL be rich enough to tell Goodman to fuck off.
12. Mike Kruel : Should be named Mike Can'tspell... and I think I used that joke last year
15. Roderick Strong: First name weak... and gay. Rod... heh... his Rod is Strong... HA...
16. Colt Cabana: Now THIS is a cool name...
18. Alex Shelley: This kid has a future... just not in TNA. Heyman should snap him up fast.
20. CM Punk: If he has some REAL balls... he'll demand a release from his WWE development contract... come on, tough guy... I dare you!
27. Nigel McGuinness: Apparently, he's one of those "Greatest Wrestler Alive Who's Style Is Something You Have To Grow To Appreciate"... which is short for "Boring Fuck who sells"
28. Charlie Haas: And next year, he'll STILL be on the 2006 list... oh, wait... three brands now, they ain't firing anyone... whoops.... he can crash into as many chicks as he want!
30. Sabu: In the Indys, when Sabu points to the ceiling, it's not for his gimmick... it's to point out the cracks and leaks and the structural damage! It's him screaming, "LET'S MAKE THIS QUICK, THIS FUCKING PISSHOLE'S ABOUT TO COME CRASHING DOWN!!!"
32. Teddy Hart: Single worst reputation I have ever heard of... worse than Scott Hall... worse than Shawn Michaels in the 90's... how he isn't a full time Calgary snow plow driver is beyond me.
40. Harry Smith: What? What's one of the anchors for the CBS Morning News doing working Indy shows??? And does he bring his double thick black glasses to the ring?
41. KENTA: He spells his name with big caps to honor some incredible, complex, ANCIENT Japanese tradition! Either that or he's a self-inflated boob... you decide.
57. Kid Kash: In two years, he'll have to change his name to Middle Aged Phood Stamps
59. El Generico : Which is Spanish for, "Unknown bloodline... Mami liked ALL the sailors."
60. New Jack : This guy... beats the shit out of 70 year old men who should know better... he also slices up fat ticket sellers... the WWE is afraid to hire him... imagine if Dan Maff fucked HIS sister... oh SHEEEIT.
62. Billy Gunn : Even the indy crowds who never seen a famous guy up close boo his ass out of the building.
63. Nick Berk: he ever find his robe? Heh... loser lost his robe.... HA HA.
65. EC Negro : I like this guy only because one day I can say, "Hey Negro! Come here!" and not get killed for it.
72. Oman Tortuga: Oh Man, what a ridiculous last name.
76. Sabian: Isn't that the Fuck Saddle that Stern has girls ride on his new Satellite show these days? And why is Chris Sabian letting him get away with having this name?
78. Monty Brown: If he pay him up front, I hear he POOOOOOUUUUUUNCES out of town before bell time. He's from the school of Ahmed Johnson!
84. Quiet Storm: Heh... his career is sure quiet... heh... ho ho ho... HA!
89. Christian Cage: One one point, within the last few months, I GUARANTEE, the following thought swam through Cage's head... more than once... "Jesus, I knew the quality of rats would take a hit when I left... but I never IMAGINED it would be this bad!"
92. Boogalou/Boog Washington: I only HOPE this is a black dude.
93. Damian Adams: His first name is the son of SATAN... his last name references the first man GOD created... I'll bet a thousand dollars he didn't realize this.
95. Buff-E: Buff E WHAT?
98. Low Ryda/Lo Lincoln: As time goes on, expect him to change his name to "Lo Cadillac", "Lo Chrysler", "Lo Mazda", "Lo Honda", "Lo Chevy", "Lo Saturn", "Lo Hyundai", until finally retiring under the name "Lo Vespa"
101. April Hunter: Poor April. She'd make more money as a Vivid contract girl.. .and work with a better class of people. ..heh... HAHAHAHAA it's so true... Goodman is a sleaze.
102. K-Murda , 103. K-Pusha: K-Indy guys who got no times fo' finishing the words properly, yo.
108. Jerk Jackson: His name reflects how he gets himself booked.
109. The Messiah : Has he ever had a "Missing Thumb On a Pole" match? Well... he damn well SHOULD!
111. JD Michaels : WHAT??? He rotted up in the coldest, deepest, darkest asshole of Canada for his whole life before fucking April Hunter hard enough to score a ticket to the states a few months ago! HE'S ONLY WRESTLED, LIKE, THREE MATCHES!!!... Great ass, tho'... I ain't no fag but... god DAMN.
115. Heretic : See, now THIS is a reasonably inventive name. Kudos
121. Jerry Lawler : Maybe the most over-looked wrestler alive... he's not that much younger than Flair but he still keeps going... and isn't an embarrasment... God bless the King.
126. King Kong Bundy : Guys this heavy should NOT still be alive... freak of nature, this one is.
129. Tommy Dreamer : HOW? He's a book keeper in the bowels of WWE Administrative now!
132. The Dynamic Sensation : I once fucked a cheese grater... so I know where he's coming from.
136. Reckless Youth : Hasn't he been around for years? When does he graduate to "Well-Thought Out Middle Aged"?
141. Scott Lost : He'd be MUCH higher, but he has a nasty habit of not finding the buildings he's booked for!
148. The Blue Meanie : The fun part of wrestling him is wondering how much porn stall semen is on his body while he's headlocking you.
151. Rob Eckos : He picked that last name because his promos tend to ECHO in the empty buildings!
159. Cloudy : No way... the Transvestite from the WWF 13 years ago is STILL working that gimmick? Holy shit... give it UP, fruity
172. Kevin Sullivan : WHAT??? HE DIDN'T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE TO FLORIDA!! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?? EVEN THE MISSING LINK LAUGHS AT HIM NOW!
176. Cima: Isn't that one of those weird alcohol beverages that isn't hard liquor and isn't beer?
179. Dunn: First name: "Career is all"
184. Gavin Quest: Now THAT is a gay porn name... I may use it.
188. Matt Hyson (Spike Dudley): He's so glad the WWE let him go... they were keeping this 120 pound dwarf from his main event push! TRIPLE H FEARED SPIKE!!
190. Low Life Louie Ramos: Way to reach for the stars, kiddo
191. The Masked Maniac : When asked for a response, Frank Goodman cut a loud PROMO: "LEMME TELL YA'S SOMETHING, WHEN I SEES THE UDDER 190 TICKET SELLING ASSHOLES ON THE STREET I'M GONNA STICK THERE HEADS IN A FRIGGIN' TRASH CAN AND SHOVE MY LITTLE STINKIE PINKIE UP THEIR KVETCHIN' STINK STARS!! I HAVE 19 HOUSES IN FLORIDA THAT MY WIFE PAID FOR AND I SMELL LIKE STALE ANCHOVIES!! WORK MY SHOWS AND I PAY YOU IN DRUGS!!"
192. Slyck Wagner Brown: He's going to drop by next year as he finds out the Aryan Brotherhood in D-Block will NOT sell his dropkicks.
193. Rockin Rebel: Okay, I don't even know who he is but I hope he gets AIDS and dies JUST for that stupid name.
196. Chemical Hasheem Ali: Oh Lord... why?
201. The Patriot/Salvatore Sincere/Tom Brandi: Three names, 1/2 a career
202. Bandido Jr.: I hear Bandido Sr., upon learning that his son spent his time taking bumps in High School gyms, said, "Tu es NO son y MINE, ese! Then robbed a few liquor stores in his sadness.
203. Nicky Oceans: Some Indy guys are so fat their bitch tits flop around as if they were filled with OCEANS of blubber... I wonder if Nicky here is one of them
206. Mozart Fontaine: GREAT name! Love it! No, really... LOVE... IT!
209. Mega: Mega what? Mega gay? Mega Lame? Mega broke?
214. Brutus The Barber Beefcake: How is this cat still alive?
215. The Honky Tonk Man: Hey!! Honky is cool! Funny too.
216. Rob Vegas: Rob Kevin Nash of his first gimmick, more like.
217. Romeo Roselli: Oh great... another wop whos gimmick is he's God's gift... I bet he thinks he's being inventive with the name too.
223. Jason Static: I wonder if his opponents find themselves STICKING.... no... CLINGING to him! Heh... HAHAHAHAHAA... hilarity X 3
224. Dan De Man: Oh he is not "De" ANYTHING!
225. Greg The Hammer Valentine: He puts on 45 minute matches!! Unfortunately it consists of headlocks and elbowdrops.... real, slow ones.
232. TNT: Lame
234. Pyscho: Oh LAME!!
240. Dickie Rodz : GREAT name
241. Donnie Bon Jovi: He's a cowboy, for sure.... but his steel horse that he rides is a '89 Buick
243. Ken Scampi: I hear he's a real SHRIMP!! Ha-cha-cha-chaaa
244. Pinkie Sanchez: Thinkj his fingers smell like poo? Is his gimmick drawing brown mustaches on his opponenents? WELL IT SHOULD!!
245. Jimmy Hustler: If he wants to start moving up... he damn well better start living up to his name more.
247. Little Greatness: He's ranked number 247!!! Try "Little Mediocrity".
248. Candy: Oh dear lord I hope this is a chick
249. H. Fujinami: Be funny if the "H" stood for "Hank"
250. KC Blade: Ugh... boring name. No wonder he's last.
Honorable mentions go to Dana Dameson...
I'm SURE this was a well thought out... heavily scrutinized, CAREFULLY weighed listing... I'm sure this wasn't something Sean just SLAPPED TOGETHER at the last minute... naaaaah.
Where was Becky Bayless? And shouldn't Tammy Sytch get a LITTLE love?
Ah well... I'm done. Next week, I'm ordering Slammiversary, I've got a new book review. And... umm... I dunno.
This is Hyatte