The Midnight News
Just imagine Trish comes out for her ppv match, leather duster and cowboy hat. She takes off the jacket, does the classic raised arm Stratus salute and what is that on her shirt? Does it say...Hyatte.
There that should keep you busy this week just keep the articles coming dickbag!
Yeah, that would be great... except the chick hasn't worn a cowboy hat or the leather duster in YEARS.
She'll be off TV in about a month anyway... out of sight, out of mind.
Y'know, once upon a time, didn't you bitch out CRZ for posting song parodies on his site, in written form? You were right, they didn't work! And guess what? They don't work for you either! No girl I've ever known in my life has ever been wooed by a song parody that they can't even hear. You need to come up with something different if you're desperate enough to try and win Trish over.
Shit, this is the chick you need to put a bounty on, not Tony Shia-fuckin-vone's daughter. Post "Wanted: Alive, not neccessarily well", then sit back and let it happen. I'm sure there's plenty of hobos in the northeast that'd do it for anything, even a damn handjob!! Be creative, Hyatte, pull out all the stops, or that angel's gonna fly away forever.
No, it was Pat McNeill... and his parodies were LAME... and I shamed him into stopping.
Yeah, okay, I'll put a bounty out on Trish... that's real smart, real COOL too... not illegal or gay AT ALL. Grow up. That was 7 years ago and under different circumstances. How stupid.
Hyatte... what you're doing is especially brave to do, knowing the childish mentality of those on the internet. It's one thing to disguise something personal inside of a joke. It's another thing entirely to be completely serious. Are a lot of people making fun of you over this? Clearly, they've never had feelings for anyone before.
On the flip side, having read you since the Scoops days, I'm partially worried that I could be buying into a joke of some sort. Eh, well...so be it.
I'm hoping for that chance meeting with Rosario Dawson, myself. I got nothing to offer either, but I know I could charm the pants off of her. Plus, this smile o' mine can't be resisted.
No one, outside of a few old enemies, are making fun of me. This is because A: They ain't reading (then where is this gigantic audience Sean tells me I have coming from?) or B: They aren't entirtely sure how much of this is truth and how much is bullshit and, like you, don't want to offer an opinion until they know for sure.
BTW, it turns out my feelings aren't EXACTLY one-sided... it's complicated. Let's just say that I have two plans currently running right now... I have "Operation: Win Stratus Back" going AND I have "Operation: Seduce April" well underway as well. I'll keep none of you posted.
Your version of "Wanted: Dead or Alive" had me in tears. That was the only online song parody ever done that has actually been funny. That made my day.
Well, thanks. The trick is to make it a song that everyone knows and to make it as sick and as perverted as possible. Pat McNeill never understood that, he tried to do them under Wade Keller's G-rated content rules... plus McNeill is one of these clowns who think they are hilarious when they aren't even amusing.
I always wondered, since you goof on Canadian accents (goofy bastards) every so often, if you have one of those really bad New England accents? Like in Good Will Hunting. And if that JD dude asked you to say "park the car in Harvard yard" after you tried to get him to say "Take off, you hoser"?
Whawt da fuck doyous mean? Whawt awccent?
April is from Connecticut so the guy is used to it by now, but yeah, he laughed a bit.
One thing about these Bahston awccents... only a very few people really have those thick ones you hear actors use on TV. Most of us realize how retarded we sound and we work on eliminating them.
Hello Mawrahns, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Stuff to do, stuff to do...
Oh, and before I get going... the following took place on Saturday night...
Someone, "Where are you?"
Me, "I'm in the lobby of the Onyx, I'm in a black tux and wearing a pink carnation. Get your fine ass down here."
(long, long, LOOOONG pause)
Someone, "Look, are you going to be home tonight or WHAT?"
It's nice to be made to feel completely repulsive... wait, no it ain't.
Anyway, off we go...
SUMMER GETS SLAMMED
Summer? Summer who?
Anyway, I saw it. Top to bottom. Here's what happened...
Oh yeah... you all know what happened... and I don't recap these things... so let's run down with some notes and observations...
We are informed that Raw, AND Smackdown, AND ECW all have a hand in presenting this. It's more like Raw brought the turkey, the stuffing, the beer, and the sweet potatoes while Smackdown brought the scallops, the cherry pie, and a nice Ham and ECW brought two bags of Ruffles and a bottle of Coke.
Cole and JBL went first, JR and Lawler went second, Styles and Tazz sat at the kiddie table. Someone shoved their middle finger near Tazz's ear and he ignored it.
REY MYSTERIO JR VS CHAVO GUERRERO
-They dropped the name "Eddie" 24 times. I counted. 24. They said the name "Eddie" more than they said the names "Chavo".
-Chavo looked particularly good.
-Vickie... umm... she's a normal girl who looks like one of those water ballons that are half empty and held rightside up. All the water goes down...
-NO... better yet... she looks like a mound of butter after 20 seconds in the microwave!
-And chica needs a makeover!
-Note to any and all women who might have an interest in me... when I really fall for you, I don't care IF you develop Vickie Guererro's body... see, I'm a PERSONALITY sort of guy...
-I'm glad that Chavo won
Backstage with Booker and Edge. It seemed like two different men from two different worlds were talking... and why make Booker adopt a silly "Royal" cadence... that's so WWEish... it's MUCH funnier to hear him speak like a King in full out ebonics...
BIG SHOW VS SABU
-I found it really funny that this was all Taz and Joey had to do tonight then they could chill and watch the show from the best seats in the house.
-I found it, really cool, that Sabu has lucked into the biggest push he'll ever have... a STAR MAKING push... just when he was dead-ass broke and ready to quit and go into car sales.
-I'm willing to bet that one day soon, we'll read from Meltzer about how Vince LOVES Sabu's blown spots and is encouraging him to keep them up.
-The Big Show started swearing at the ref early on... after the match, he closed his eyes and focused on breathing... I bet the dude is having chest pains, or something that's gonna drop his ass dead. He's got that "borrowed time" look about him.
-The Show won... because this is Angle's title to win... NOT RVD...
Backstage, various Divas from both brands had a talk with the new Diva-winner Leila. Candice was there, Ashley too, as well as Maria, Jillian, and Torrie. But the one who did most of the talking was... wait a second, my phone is ringing.... hang on....
Okay I'm back. It was April, just saying Hi. What an ANGEL... just seeing how I was doing and thanking me for the nice words last week. She's such a doll. Color me charmed.
HULK HOGAN VS RANDY ORTON
-This was a Hogan show, top to bottom, typical Hogan stuff straight out of the house show of the 80's. He had the begiining and the end and Orton got some middle action.
-But you know what... IT WORKED... if you watched it, then you know what I mean! Hogan had a partner... it was the crowd. "Hulk-A-Mania" is NOT just a marketing campaign... it's legit. This crowd wanted the Hulkster who OWNED the Boston Garden in the 80's and he delivered!
-And the KIDS loved him too... which goes to show that no matter how corny he is to some of you assholes, Hulk Hogan has timeless charisma.
-And Hogan knows the score. After the match, he did his pose routine... but played with the side of the building behind the announcers... blowing them off and pretending to not pose for them until the very end where he said, "Oh, all right" and gave them his pythons. It's one of those rare Hogan moments where he didn't do it for the cameras, he did it for the crowd... and WE love him for it.
RIC FLAIR VS MICK FOLEY
-Match of the night. I loved every minute of it. Flair went back in time for this one. Foley pulled it out of him. The last great, great, GREAT performance. The mic work, the brutality, the shots... all of it... brutal, wild, and hardcore. Ric Flair went ahead and became extreme and did it just as well as anyone else. The man can do no wrong.
-It is ironic that this followed the Hogan match. Hogan and Orton just, more or less, put on a "Hulk Hogan Exhibition" while Ric Flair, forever known as the best wrestler alive who spent his prime years being #2 to Hogan, gave it more than his all and killed himself in a match right after Hogan did his usual riff.
Getting bored now... let's wrap her up
-Batista and Booker was boring
-DX vs the McMahons was solid, made great thanks to Jim Ross, who cracked me up when he said, "Mr McMahon is already orchestrating his hostile takeover of HELL when he gets there!" HAHAHAHAHAA
-And when JR started smarting off about how the McMahons were stealing 80's tag team finishes... "They think they're Axe and Smash!!"
-"Triple H has been lying next to me for ten minutes, possibly with a broken back and NO MEDICS, NO OFFICIALS ARE COMING DOWN HERE!! HOW MUCH DID VINCE PAY THEM TO STAY AWAY!! DAMN HIM!!"
-Which was ruined when HHH crawled to the ring, dragged his ass to the corner, got the tag.. and CAME ALIVE LIKE CHRIST HIMSELF!! Ross had no choice but to say, "Uhhh, adrenaline?"
I liked this match.
-I also liked Cena being booed out of his hometown and Ross ignoring it.
-I also liked that they see money in Edge as champ. Matt Hardy is back at home wondering if he can re-start his Internet TV show again and Edge is a god damn main event.
All in all, a solid show... I liked it. Not too many matches so every one of them got enough time. Well worth the money!
THOUGHTS AND NOTES AND STUFF THAT FLIT ACROSS MY BRAIN
This is what I like to call... a lazy way to fill this column.... just stuff I've noticed.
-Cena doesn't sweat and makes stupid faces when he sells that STFU, this is one of the many reasons why I don't care for him
-Honestly, I know he's, like, SUPER conditioned, but the guys he works against (who, consequently, are never called out for their lack of skills), sweat up a STORM in there while Cena is as dry as my last date's cooch.
-CM Punk is chubby and UNimpressive. And what's up with those bags under his eyes?
-ECW has quietly become very good television, like I knew it would.
-Kurt Angle suddenly became my favorite wrestler.
-Kelly K Kelly is only 19.
-I am pretty sure Test has fucked just about every Diva on WWE TV that has been around longer than 3 years.
-The Sandman clearly wants a long-term job with Vince.
-If Hulk Hogan was never born, Kevin Nash would be considered the smartest wrestling politicion in wrestling history
-Lita is NOT as skanky as everyone says.
-Why the HELL isn't Jeff Hardy going to Smackdown??
-Scott Steiner is the surprise performer of the YEAR so far.
-Sometimes, in the right angle, Melina looks like an ape
-Carlito kisses like a fag.
-Then again, the girl he's kissing isn't exactly known for passionate on-air kisses. Which is totally in her character if you know her.
-Of all the people leaving or threatending to leave the WWE, it's a major surprise to read that HBK signed on for another 5 big years
That's it... keeping it fast.
THE TWELVE WAYS WITH APRIL
I have to say, the man is totally cool... no guy has made me laugh that hard in a while. Very fun, very easy to talk to, very articulate, a real surprise. I was highly impressed and charmed...
... Whoever ends up snapping him up will be one lucky chick indeed
Oh get used to it... I plan on having it etched on my tombstone.
It's been a horny week for me... mostly because of that. Look, you make your jokes about her size and build but the truth is April Hunter is a hottie and any man with a fucking pulse and a proper lust for GIRLS would murder family members AND pets for a piece of that. Plus, with the recent heartaches of my last few months, I NEEDED this sort of confidence boost.
At least with April, I knew from the START that she had someone else... and he's a shredded dude with the Bret Hart hairstyle... so it's not like I'm going to fall for her... (besides, they fall for ME first... heh heh heh ho ho ho hee hee hee.... aha ha ha... el... oh... effing... el.)
But this doesn't mean I can't FANTASIZE... and lord, I did.
The following is the twelve unique and erotic ways I pleasured myself this week... WEEK... AND I'M NOT SOME 20 SOMETHING BOBCAT ANYMORE!! while thinking of April Hunter. I hope she enjoys it... cuz I sure did... ZOOOOOOWEEE
1) MONDAY: I was the teacher and she was the little schoolgirl looking for a better grade. Pigtails, plaid skirt, a ruler was used. And an apple. And a strap-on. I promised her an A but still gave her a B-... spunk was so heavy it reached my eyebrows.
2) TUESDAY: I cradled her head while another girl went downtown. Enjoyed her twisting around while I held her. Held her knees up.
3) TUESDAY: Had her put on a blonde wig and used a strap-on while saying, "You've been a bad boy, eh!" Came then sobbed uncontrollably for 20 minutes.
3) TUESDAY: in an all white bra and panties with stockings... HER, not me... slowly stripped down her stockings then gave her legs, starting at the toes, and tonguebath. Felt her quiver as I neared ground zero. Played with her camel toe and slapped her hand away when she tried to move her panties aside. Let the friction drive her crazy. Blasted about a quart.
4) WEDNESDAY: I was underneath my car changing... something when she started playing with me.... I jerked and punctered my oil pan. Oil leaked everywhere. Used it to lube myself up, Did her in the ass while bent over the hood. The funny thing is, I don't know ANYTHING about cars. Let her use a well-oiled Phillips head screwdriver on me.
5) THURSDAY: Washed her hair gently in a warm tub. Kissed softly. Was through before I could bust out the cream rinse.
6) THURSDAY: Beat the living shit out of JD Michaels then did her on top of his Calgary Flames warm-up jacket while he watched and cried..
7) SATURDAY: She was Superwoman and I was Jimmy Olson. For the sake of the fantasy I stuffed a bowtie in my mouth.
8) SATURDAY: PRISON GUARD AND THE HORNY LIFER!!!! She stole my billy club and.... dear lord I'm still finding crust spots on my sheet
9) SATURDAY: Traditional, easy-going doggie style... hair pulling... nipple twisting.... I think I went for the rimjob but finished before I could picture it fully.
10) SATURDAY: She had the blonde wig... I bumrushed her wedding, swinging a baseball bat at anyone who moved, and carried her off. Ended up doing her on her wedding cake. For some reason, I imagined everyone at the church calling me a "hoser".
11) SUNDAY: Something normal. I had her tied up and was driving her crazy with one of my parrot's long tailfeathers. Then she tied me up and produced a car battery and jumper cables. My nipples are still sore from the hydrochloric acid.
12) SUNDAY: I was tired, dog... we 69'ed each other and I remember begging her to start farting. She did. I yanked so hard I'm all scabby now.
And that's my week... God Bless you, April Hunter! MMMMWAAA
AN OPEN LETTER TO MIKE JOHNSON
You don't know me, but you've read me. I have no real proof of this but fuck it, why not. You aren't THAT busy in life and I run a damn fine column.
I don't know you either. Never paid much attention to you and never gave you much grief, like I do other people in this particular field. I do know you tend to oaf around like a hunched over troll and you like your hair longish and greasy, but to each their own. This isn't about busting your balls.
I'm speaking directly to you because you are a wrestling fan, a PASSIONATE one at that, with enough unashamed ass-kissing skills to get you well-connected with your old ECW buddies. Apparently, you get into ALL the locker rooms and you are a commodity to the site you work for. Probably more-so than anyone else... even Scherer.
I know you're a passionate fan because of that picture someone has of you, and subsequently posted for the amusement of others, where you're hugging some wrestler. It's a hug of honor! I can tell by your closed eyes that you're hugging the guy out of love for the business and respect for the effort he, and his ilk put forth. You're all about the SPORT of wrestling, the CULT of it, the personal DRAMA that comes from it. That's okay. No problems. A superfan is a superfan and who am I to belittle it?
In fact, I see you as the type of fan to almost IGNORE the business end of wrestling. Oh sure, you believe that all workers should be paid, well and fairly. You want all of them to be able to make a comfortable living doing this. They put their bodies on the line for your entertainment. They deserve to be well-compensated so that their mortages can be paid and food be put on their table. But I don't see it as a major interest of yours. You're all about the passion of the sport. The love of the game, so to speak.
Which is why I'm writing to you. To try to explain something to you that you either didn't realize or just don't care about, but you should.
I don't know if reporting wrestling for PWInsider is your only job, or if it pays your rent, or if it allows you to take your girlfriend out on a Friday night (after Smackdown and only if there isn't a house show being run nearby), but I do know that you get paid for it. Which is fine.
What isn't fine is that you work for a major cocksucker.
Now listen to this. I've been doing this for a while and every so often, I get perks. People buy me stuff out of thanks for years of very free labor. I don't mind this at all, the free labor stuff, because this is a lark to me. Something I like doing and am quite good at. Just like you. Last year, someone bought me a year pass to your Elite section. It wasn't bad. Wasn't great either. Your audio section sucks donkey pussy, and none of you comediens are all that funny, but that's just my opinion and it has no bearing on my point.
My point is that my free sub ran out and the guy who bought it for me never re-upped. Which is fine, he never used it as I changed the password several times (mostly to be petty and bust Trish Stratus's balls a little... because I let her use the password to get in too) and he never asked me about it. So I had to use your FREE area. Which I did, just to see if those pop-ups everyone whines about were as bad as everyone said.
I logged on your site 6 times in the last two weeks. Three times the pop-ups simply overwhelmed my computer (high speed cable modem) and the browser vanished. One time a giant ad page filled my screen with no X to close it out.
And two times I had to shut down my computer because some ad virus tried to download software right to my computer even though I did everything I could to click off.
Mike, your site is a danger to EVERYONE. Your boss, Dave Scherer, is a complete and utter fucking asshole, and you should be ashamed to be part of this site.
Mike, your boss, Dave, has allowed advertisment programs to pay for exposure on PWInsider that are geared to send bullshit, computer-killing software to innocent people who just want to read your news reports. That is an unacceptable business practice and a direct slap in the face to fellow fans, like yourself (you know, people who might ATTEND THESE SHOWS... UNLIKE your boss who would rather sit at home and watch it on TV with his miserable wife and brag about being able to bench press 500 pounds and make stupid statements about how he is the most hated man in the WWE.).
Mike, fans like you are JUST AS PASSIONATE about the business as you are. They CARE about the workers. They love the sport for the thrill of an excellent match filled with drama and passion and excitement and the communal feeling when the crowd's enjoyment helps make the match more than just two guys doing spots. These are the fans who now must risk an expensive computer overhaul because your Boss, Dave, allows some fucking "Anti-Spyware" program to use PWInsider to infiltrate their CPUs... with the irony being that these Anti-Spyware programs are built to allow a billion pop-ups to flood their computers 24 hours a day.
How long before your motherfucking loser boss takes money for a searchbar program to "advertise" on the free site?
How dare you associate with this sort of sleazebag.
It's bad enough that your cumstain of a Boss lets full screen pop-ups to freeze our computers... but now, because we choose NOT to invest money in your premium site (sorry, but many of us have BETTER uses for our money then to support Dave fucking Scherer), you jerks are making us suffer for it.
And don't say, "You can install any Spyware Killer program and use Anti-Virus to protect your computer form this" as an excuse. There IS NO REASON ANY NEWS GATHERING WEBSITE SHOULD HAVE THIS SORT OF BULLSHIT THAT WOULD REQUIRE THAT SORT OF PROTECTION!!!
Mike, I'm talking to you because Scherer's reputation is long and well-earned. He's been a scumbag since day 1. He won't listen to reason. Buck Woodward is totally useless on every level and is virtually ignored. But you... you are the money-maker for PWInsider. Scherer's connections are a joke compared to yours. He just runs the site and pretends to be important. You ARE important to the site and CAN dictate how things are done there.
Mike, you work for a site that presents a major danger to your readers. You work for a man who doesn't give a flying fuck. All so you can collect a paycheck.
Look in the mirror, boy. If you don't do something to put a stop to this, you're just as bad as your asshole boss. I'm willing to bet you know what a piece of jersey trash you write for. I'm writing this to make sure YOU realize that at least one person knows that you, who lead the charge of outrage when Vince turned your precious ECW into a business and diluted it in the process, are turning into the sort of person who is doing somewhat of the same thing... you're selling out.
You are selling out.
And if you don't do something about this, and SOON, you'll be every bit a scuzzball as Dave Scherer is.
Your site, which is making you money, is worthless. The question is, are your morals just as worthless?
Sadly, I'm sure they are.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
By sitting out and letting Alex Shelley take the loss at Hard Justice, he proved ONCE AGAIN... someone ELSE wrestles and he just gets ALL the money!
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
He's a fuckin' GENIUS
Let's go home...
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
-A Spike TV commercial insists that weather-beaten old people like Sting, Jeff Jarrett, and Christian are THE NEW FACE OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.
-Really, and I hate to admit this, but the ACTUAL New Face of Professional Wrestling is John Cena... whether that speaks as a positive for the future or a negative is up to YOU, John Q. Mark-Boy
-we open with a BRAWL!! BECAUSE THE NEW FACES OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING HAVE TOO MUCH BLOODLUST TO WAIT FOR AIRTIME!!!
-The brawl is between LAX and AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels. It's all around the ring, which is decorated and set for a celebration in honor of Jeff Jarrett retaining the NWA title against Sting the other night. Tenay and West are having conniptions, but they can't bother to tell us why or how this broke out. Maybe Styles slipped a pickle into Homicide's little sister? That's ALWAYS asking for trouble.
-Daniels is bleeding. Homicide proceeds to RIP OPEN his head. Daniels HOWLED in pain. West broke script and shouted, "HAS DANIELS BEEN TESTED? KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!! I'VE GOT A MORTAGE AND NO BENEFITS!!!" Smart hillbilly.
-AJ LAUNCHES himself at Hernandez, who catches him and throws him aside. Much like how TNA threw him aside once he signed the long term deal... "Sure AJ, you're our POSTER BOY! YOU'RE THE NEW FACE OF TNA! Samoa who? Sting what? Oh, Jeff will settle into a midcard role once the Spike deal is settled. You're our BOY!"
-Daniels found himself in the ring and on the rebound. Then he turned his back to Homicide and screamed "ARRRRRRGH" into the camera... as in "ARRRRRRGH, I'M SICK OF PUTTING THESE ASSHOLES OVER!! WHEN DO I GET TO WIN A MATCH AGAIN?? AAARRRRGH" Then he was beaten up some more.
-Tenay, with as much gravitas as a stinky drunk with a reedy voice can muster, declared that "THE ERA OF VIOLENCE FROM LAX CONTINUES!"...
-You know... with a name like LAX... you'd think they'd be a mellow crew.
-Konan managed to do less than nothing without anyone noticing... he's the Hispanic Kevin Nash!
-Then, FOR NO REASON... the ring filled up with guys like Rhyno, Abyss, Monty Brown, Runt Dudley (who is now mohawked and is now officially in dire need of help... look at him, people... he's FALLING APART BEFORE OUR VERY EYES! He's wrestling's version of Lindsay Lohan)
-Samoa Joe ran in and went right for Rhyno. They did one of those stupid stunts where Joe takes Rhyno by the back of the head and charges him out of the ring, up the ramp, then throws him into a wall. At no time did Rhyno put on the brakes. He just kept running with Joe, "OH NO, JOE'S TOO STRONG FOR ME TO STOP MOVING FORWARD SLOWLY! LOOK OUT WALL!!"
-Jeff Jarrett showed up, enraged that his sure-to-have-been-10 minute masterbatory ain't I great promo was ruined, decided to explode the confetti and drink his champagne anyway... which was funny.
-So the ring, all decorated and prepped for a Jeff Jarrett victory party was now littered with brawling assholes... suddenly, this is like every Italian wedding I've ever been to, which always starts with, "Fuck me? Hey yo, FUCK YOOS!" Then someone either named Vinnie or Louie thinks he overhears someone questioning his toughness. Next thing you know, fists, hairgrease, and plates of pasta are flying through the air while the smarter guests take the chaos as a chance to steal some of the wedding gifts. Plus a fat girl always ends up getting screwed silly in the bathroom.
-Sting showed up and cleaned house... in that awful, half-assed way Sting has of cleaning house. Then he got on the mic and said he was SCREWED by Christian Cage at the PPV so he wants his rematch and will do ANYTHING to get it... TWO pay per views from now. Jarrett said, "Anything?" Sting said, "ANYTHING"... Jarrett said, "Like... perform like you CARE about the work and not because we're paying you?" Sting laughed and said, "No, but you can add another zero to the end of my next check, asshole! Wanna play some more??" Tenay jumped in and shouted, "COMING UP, SAMOA JOE CONTINUES TO STAGNATE FAR AWAY FROM THE MAIN EVENT!! DON'T GO ANYWHERE!" Then we are sent to the night's first set of...
-That black guy who does all the voice overs had the nerve to say that after 90% of the "Hard Justice" paying audience demanded their money back for waiting through 40 minutes of bullshit while the Orlando Fire department checked the building for members of Great White, (Those bastards won't stop until we are ALL toast!), the remaining 10% were treated to "the greatest pay per view the planet has ever SEEN! Where EVERY SINGLE WRESTLER PU THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE TO DELIVER A PERFORMANCE FOR THE AGES!!....exceptforkevinnash"
-Jermey Borash ran into Eric Young who was walking out of Jeff Jarrett's locker room. I was half drunk and fondling myself to an April Hunter fantasy (#8 of 12) but I think they did a sweet "Who's on first" routine... With "I hope Borash dies" as DH.
-When did Borash officially develop a better tan than Hulk Hogan?
-Alex Shelley, Andy Devine, and What'sisface took on Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and Chris Sabin. No one mentioned Kevin Nash during this whole match, which is scary because... I don't know... maybe because Nash's program with Shelley and Devine is THE BEST THING THIS DUMB COMPANY HAS GOING
-Before the start of the match, Lethal enjoyed some chants in his honor... he smiled and scanned the audience for white girls. PLAYAAAA
-Dutt made faces and scanned the audience for girls with dots on their heads... found none... this is Florida, paco... only Cubans and Assholes named after small insects live there.
-Sabin scouted the audience for a personality and found none... IT AIN'T NASH'S FAULT YOU CAN'T HANG WITH HIM, YOU BORING ASS DOPE!!
-What'sisface scanned the audience looking for someone who believes that his Canadian Destroyer finish is a realistic move that doesn't require the guy receiving it to do 99% of the work. Oh he found PLENTY of those imbeciles... no one is curing cancer in the TNA audience
-Divine scanned his wallet trying to convince himself that he has enough gas money to make it to Tampa after the show. I swear I heard him sob, "I got to take the fuckin' bus AGAIN!!"
-ANYWAY... this is an X-Division brohaha... so the faces did that spot where all three of them dove on the three heels... whoo hoo.... standard second hour Nitro stuff that we all sat through while waiting for Goldberg to come out for 30 seconds of work.
-Then Earl Hebner attacked the referee Slick Johnson... which reminds me of the other night where this Latina chick farted just as I was about to go.... into the bad place... it wasn't a clean fart... talk about having a slick johnson... yowzaaa...
-YOU JUST AIN'T GETTING THIS KIND OF HUMOR FROM THE GUY YOU'RE MARRYING, ANGELCAKES!!! YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE!!
-ahem... anyway... WHY Hebner attacked is unknown... but I'm sure it's just the beginning of a long, extremely well thought out, carefully paced storyline that will effect not just Hebner and Slick, BUT THE ENTIRE TNA STAFF FROM STING ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HARRY THE TOP TIER USHER!!! THIS IS THE STORYLINE THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING!!!
-I just can't believe that SOMEONE on TNA's writing staff thinks a referee angle featuring 80 year old Earl is compelling. I hope this is the brainchild of that cocksucker Scotty DeMore... or whatever his name is.
-Somewhere in there we got ourselves a set of...
-Then back to the action, where Team Sabin won... Alex Shelly is STILL the New CM Punk... I want him on Smackdown tomorrow. Nash too... no, Nash goes on Raw
-We go to top secret fourth wall SHATTERING post PPV footage of Rhyno asking Christian just what.... the.... HELL.... was.... that??? Christian replied, "A storyline. I know you've never experienced one. Just watch and takes notes if you like." Then he advised the big galoot to invest in a crazy little invention that's been around for about 200 years called shampoo.
-Tenay takes us to Christain's PROMO about what happened and why he turned heel. "You see me burning up the buyrates as a Face? Shit no!" Was pretty much the gist.
-He also implied that if he wanted a name from the past to saunter in, deliver bullshit, boring matches, get paid highly for it, and be shoved in the main event, he would've stayed in the WWE and... and... hmm... then again, other than the Hogan once-a-blue-moon spectacle, there ISN'T anyone who fits that criteria like Sting does.
-Backstage, a bloody Chris Daniels sez he HATES the taste of blood! (Heh, he never bit a clit... HA... doesn't know what he's missing) but he LOVES beating up Mexicans... so he and AJ Styles challenged LAX to a title match next week. Then he excused himself so he hit the treetops for some dinner. (See, he's the human giraffe). Meanwhile, AJ Styles was too busy checking his wrists for stigmata to contribute to the promo ("Dammit, Lord... HAVEN'T I EARNED A SMALL MIRACLE!!!)
-Meanwhile, Konan, who was with the Spanish announce table, no doubt pooling their money for some really good barbed wire-fence cutters ("WE'RE $50 SHY OF GETTING 28 COUSINS INTO EL PASO!!! OLA LAY!!!") accepted the challenge and called for a "Border Brawl". Tenay was so excited he fucked the nearest female in the audience.
-Of course, we found out that a "Border Brawl" is just another asshole's variation (ie: nothing different except the name) for a "Texas Death Match", a "Texas Tornado Match", a "Bunkhouse Brawl", a "Extreme Rules Match", a "Pick Yer Town Street Fight", and a "80's Match Where Dusty Rhodes Bleeds and Sells Chairshots for 15 Minutes before Delivering A Bionic Elbow And Scoring The Upset Win".
-James Mitchell, Simon Diamond, and Shane Douglas all explain why THEY are the man to guide Bobby Roode to a solid, three month feud with Rhyno before vanishing into second match of the show territory. Simon Diamond has a lot of nerve to claim that he knows how to succeed.
-Four guys wrestled each other for the honor of being tag team championship contenders. AMW ended up breaking up because of it. I am not black but I badly want to bang Gail Kim. She's always chewing gum and it always keeps her mouth nice and wet. And I bet SHE wouldn't go and marry some dude without telling me first.
-I don't CARE who won... neither do you... admit it.
-video featuring Joe and Killings telling each other what they will do to eazch other. In terms of Joe promos, NOTHING beats Scott Steiner's brilliant line, "See this? It's a vein! And it's bigger than your whole arm, you fat bastard!!" STEINER FOR PRESIDENT!!
-Joe lumbered out... looking cranky. "Allright, who put Spring Water in the vending machines? WHERE'S MY FUCKING PINK LEMONADE????"
-Killings came out... "What's Up, what's up, WHAT'S UP, what's up"... the fans got into it and shouted, "JOE'S CHOLESTEROL"...
-The MAIN EVENT IN ANY BUILDING FREE FOR YOU HERE ON TNA IMPACT, CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW LUCKY YOU PEOPLE ARE?? began... I just channeled Gorilla Monsoon AND Tony Schiavone at the exact same time, creating some bastard hybrid.
-After a BRUTAL assault where only THE LORD knows how either man manged to escape with being paralyzed from the tits down....
-and after one last set of...
-Joe won... "What's UP??" Clearly not racial equality in this company... DAT'S for sure.
-Backstage, Jarrett said that Sting gets a rematch in 2 months in exchange for putting up his career... that match is in October... Jeff can't wait 2 more months for Sting's contract to end and his greedy-ass renogotiating demands will do the job just as well? Jeepers.
-We get a recap of the last hour... no one can explain why.
-The show ends.
You know who Nash should put over? Since Sabin is a bust? I have three people in mind:
1) Senshi - because he doesn't HAVE TO battle it out on the stick with Big Kev. His character is to just quietly stew and stiff shit the hell out of him.
2) Chris Daniels - who can over-articulate his giraffe-like ass off on Nash AND get a well-earned major victory
3) Sonjay Dutt, who REALLY deserves it and it would be a MAJOR upset and a HUGE statement regarding the passion of the X-Division.
Just some thoughts to send you off.
I'm going to stop this trainwreck now. I've done enough. I feel comfortable that I've delivered another action-packed, well stuffed, hilarious offering with some actual content to make you question your own religion. Yes I did. Another one in the hole.
Somewhere within the next 16 columns I'll be doing all my favorites... probably more than once. Coming soon, Carnac, Erotica, Hal Jotsky, and... umm... well, I'll take requests, what would YOU like to see here?
Oh right... and this...
A HIDDEN MESSAGE; A SECRET NOTE
It's best to keep me around... just in case. I think that's the plan.
One thing about me... I'm ALWAYS underestimated.
Yeah, yeah, this is all cryptic and annoying... but at least it ain't song parodies.
This is Hyatte