The Midnight News
What is it about you that makes wrestling chicks go off and marry Canadians?
I have no idea, but man, are they dumb bunnies.
April called me this weekend and would like to let you all know that she is having a GREAT honeymoon.
I love reading your Midnight News column on DOI. Your non-stop ripping of Scherer and PWI is priceless.
Hey look, Smokey Mountain Wrestling still has its fans... well, at least one left!
Great column this week, dude. Man, I would suck the shit out of Gail Kim's asshole.
She's got a real cool Kobe Tai thing going, yes she do.
As sorry as I am that Trish dumped you and that you've turned into Matt Hardy, I've gotta say this whole thing has provided one of the best running gags you've had in years!
That's the point... damn shame it's coming to a close.
CM Punk is becoming a STAR in ECW. TNA is still around and will get another hour with spike tv. Chris Hyatte is still a loser stuck on a dead end web site thinking he had a chance with Trish (Masked Maniac) Stratus. Life is GOOD!
Why you.... I outta...
Hello Fudgepackers, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. I ain't got much, but I got a lot of it...
Anyway, off we go...
AN OLD JOKE... KAYFABED
No, this isn't a witty title to a high-end, thoughtful piece of brilliant comedy/opinionating... this is really is a joke I heard in the third grade, and still laugh at it today!
Three guys sneak into the Smackdown television tapings backstage. The scurry around until they find themselves at the buffet table.
Starving to death, they decide to make a nice plate for each of them. They load up with crackers and rolls and just move over to the cheese platter.
Now the cheese platter is COVERED with all sorts of cheese, different shapes and textures, all neatly organized into rows.
JUST AS they were about to load up their plates with the bounty, King Booker T walks into the room and starts SCREAMING!! The three guys each grab one handful of cheese from a row and take off! Running for their LIVES, they escape!
Back at one of the guy's parent's basement, they each take out their cheese. They place it down on a table.
The first guy looks at his and says, "Hmm, mine has holes! Hey, I've got Swiss Cheese!!"
The second guy looks at his, then takes a bite out of it and says, "Hmm, mine is sharp... TANGY... looks like I've got cheddar cheese!"
The THIRD guys looks at his and, without TASTING OR TOUCHING IT, says, "Well I obviously have nacho cheese!"
The other two guys look at him. The first guy said, "Now wait... you didn't taste it! How can you tell it's nacho cheese?"
And the SECOND guy agreed, "Yeah, you can't tell just by looking! How do you know it's nacho cheese?"
The third guy smiled at his friends and said, "Because! When we were running away, Booker T was yelling, "HEY MAN, THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAA HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! THAT'S NOT YOUR CHEESE... THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!!! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
HAHAHAH HOO HOHOHOHOH!! Haaaaaaaa
Oh man... cracks me up every time.... HEY MAN, THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!!
NA'CHOO CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
I gotta tell ya... HEHEE.... it's even BETTER when I tell it live! I told it to April and she cracked up! It's in the SELLING... HEY MAN!!! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!!!! Then I heard her tell it to JD and he laughed... good times!
HAHAHAHAA!! Holy shit... that jokes been cracking me up for 20 years... NACHO CHEESE!!! HA!
Heh... ho! I was banging someone the other night and right in the middle of it... "OH... OH... OH HEY MAN, THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!" HAW HAW HAW!!!
..... oh Lord.... whew.... nacho cheese... heh... Hy8 - 1, the world - 0.
Ya know... these wrestlers... they're not all there. The cheese (HEY MAN THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!) has slid off their crackers! Their elevators don't go all the way to the top. Their antennas are rabbit ears wrapped in tin foil.
And anyone who has followed me here to DOI can just read all the Indy news updates from Sean to see this for themselves... wrestling is home to COUNTLESS morons.
But its just not Indy stuff, it's WWE stuff too... even the Superstars tend to be a few bottles short of a case.
But Kurt Angle... never in a MILLION years did I think he was tapped in the head!
Oh wait... I knew he was dedicated... and determined... and stubborn. Anyone who knows his story can see this. He's had a broken neck for the last eleven years, BLEW OFF the fairly successful Fusion Surgery (Edge, Lita, Benoit, Rhyno... etc... all had it... all still working) for a alternative surgery for a faster return. They say he broke every bone he has, tore more muscles than Feinstein at a Cub Scout meeting, and ingested more pills in a day then your grandmother does in a year. I KNEW he was too bull-headed and too driven for his own good!
I KNEW he was in pain! If and when the WWE decides to risk the exposure of featuring a man chage physiques several times over the curse of seven years, you can see Kurt go from a lean muscled mat specialist to a buffed up bodybuilder to a man who was in too much pain to do anything but maintenence work. Towards the end, he was a giant bald head on top of a small, fatless body.
And he kept going, ignoring all the warnings (from his body and from his friends), chugging down pills just so he can go full throttle in the ring... the man couldn't walk up a flight of stairs, but he loaded himself up on enough pills to work a match! No wonder he was so intense. He needed the adrenaline rush to fuckin' WALK.
But to me, he wasn't "tapped"... he was just an Olympic gold medalist who knew nothing but how to work out, pushing himself. In a way, he's just like Vince McMahon. He wouldn't know what to do with a week off. He wasn't "tapped" like a wrestler, he was just a regular guy from working class Pittsburgh with an over-developed hunger for success...
Even when the Wellness Policy was announced and he was the one guy with the nerve to ask about pain pills... I didn't think he was tapped.
Even when his body deflated and his bald head seemed to get bigger right before our eyes... I didn't think he was tapped!
Even when I googled his name and clicked "images" and find a whole bunch of candid photos of Kurt posing with fans and signing stuff... with his eyes all glassy and a demented smile on his face... I didn't think he was tapped.
Even when he was "suspended" for a month... I didn't think he was tapped... just hurting.
And when he was fired, because the WWE does NOT want another death on their payroll, I didn't think he was tapped.... I just think he was being made to heal... being forced to take care of himself because he's too stubborn to stop on his own.
No, I never thought Angle was tapped... or a junkie. I honestly thought that if he ever becomes pain free, he won't take another pill. Like Larry Flynt, he'll be able to just stop cold.
But then a little fact about Kurt surfaced that no one has remarked about that made me change my mind.
Kurt Angle...an Olympic Gold medalist... on the box of "Wheaties"... a man of prestige and wealth and, for a time, an honored American hero (it's true, it's true)... a man who was supposed to bring credibility to professional wrestling.... an All-American athlete who came up from a blue-collar heritage....
... married a Stripper...
...and knocked her up TWICE!
The man could've had starlets... women of class and means and culture... he was a bon-a-fide CATCH...
And he went ahead and let the girl who gave him a killer lap dance at "Cheetahs" land him!
The man is TAPPED!! HE'S JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER KNUCKLE-HEADS!!!
Good Lord, Kurt! She's ALREADY plotting the divorce and how to score most of his millions with her seedy DJ/Boyfriend. Strippers know nothing BUT how to make money off boners!
Please tell me he got a pre-nup signed... PLEASE!!
A stripper... Kurt Angle hitched his wagon to a Stripper... wow... wow...
He's a moron!
Still, the sumbitch is my favorite wrestler... followed by April Hunter... who is also a bit on the tapped side... YOU HARDLY KNOW THIS JD KID, APRIL!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING GETTING HITCHED?????
You know who's the REAL lottery winner here? The dude who married Kurt's wife right after she becomes his EX-Wife... with all his money!
I'm also a lottery winner... cuz once April divorces that little Canadian.... Hyatte will SWOOP in to the rescue! Booya!!
Anyway... can't wait for Kurt to return... or show up on TNA... heh, think Jarrett has the balls to demand Angle put him over? Heh... HO!!
A stripper... what's WRONG with these wrestlers... this is dumber than refusing to move forward with someone who.... oh forget it...
Speaking of strippers! Let's break away for a minute and talk about something ELSE!
THE POLISH SUMMER
This has nothing to do with wrestling... it's about MUSIC! Relax, it'll be quick AND informative
What do I know about music? Not much. I know what I like and at any given time I'm totally down with a whole bunch of genres and bands...
Except for Led Zep... oh man I can't STAND those assholes.
ANYWAY.... it seems to me that ALL the record companies banded together and said, "You know what, we're TIRED of going to a strip club and watching girls work the pole to the same 20 year old shit like Pour Some Sugar On Me, Sweet Child O' Mine, Bad Medicine, and Live Wire... god dammit, how can we negotiate a three record deal with Ludacrisp when some hooch is jiggling to that motherfuckin' Cherry Pie song??? We've had ENOUGH!!"
And that's why... this summer turned into the Summer of New Pole Music! Where the record companies FOUGHT BACK against tired ol' 80's strip music and gave strippers ALL OVER THE WORLD songs like Buttons from the PussyCat Dolls... and that other song from those chicks... the one where I'm supposed to wish my girl was hot like Tris... err... the singer... and that Fergie girl from the Black Eyed Peas... London Bridges... God DAMN... I LOVE that song... How come everytime you come around my London London Bridge wanna go down!! Like Londy Londy goin' DOWN!!...
For Chrissakes!! I'd pay some skooze DOUBLE off that lapdance!
ALL MY GIRLS GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR... BACK TO BACK DROP IT DOWN REAL LOW... SUCH A LADY BUT I DANCE LIKE A HO... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK SO HERE WE GO!!!!!
I mean... come ON!!
This Fergie... chubby white girl... My Humps??? NOT EXACTLY PROM MUSIC!!
And by the way... now, I've seen (and been seeing, YOW) my fair share of pussy... but I can't figure out exactly WHERE the "London Bridge" is... I mean... I see... umm... things swell... once in a while I see things open up... but I don't see ANYTHING open like a drawbridge. Am I looking in the right place?
There's also Nelly Furtado, getting some black dude (Timbaland! Word up!) all heated with Promiscuous Girl... now really... where ELSE can that possibly get big time play OTHER than a seedy little strip joint? Come on!
Anyway, its clear that this was the summer the record execs said, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND ITS TIME FOR A CHANGE!!"...
So meanwhile, Christina Aguilera went ahead and ruined things by abandoning her skanky image and getting all glamorous and going old school, showing off her skills as opposed to her body.
And poor Britney Spears is inches away from the point of no return. She needs to dump her husband (advice I give to more than a FEW girls... if they had any brains) and go for the whole MILF image. That should bring her back.
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS SUMMER OF POLE STRIPPING MUSIC... who should show up but Bob Dylan, doing 100 year old songs and making Rolling Stone magazine annoint him God... again... think ol' Bob is making a statement? Sure do... think anyone younger than 50 will care? Nope.
I said it once, I'll say it again... the music world went straight to hell since Sinatra died. Sinatra would've facefucked Fergie until her tonsils ruptured then forced her to clean the skidmarks out of his underwear
A VISITOR FROM THE EAST
Why not, it’s been a while… and now, here is my assistant… Haywood Jablomee:
And now it’s time for the return of a visitor from the east… the all-knowing, all-seeing, sage, soothsayer, and JD Michaels personal pre-Honeymoon fluffer: here is HYATTEYAK THE UNREADABLE!!!
Thank you, thank yo… WHOOPS (*trips and wipes out*)
Are you okay, oh great one?
I am fine… may you get a angry voicemail from Flea bitching about being a messenger boy
I hold in my hand several envelopes. Even a Chinaman could clearly see that they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today… NO ONE knows the contents in these envelopes but you, oh Mighty Hyatteyak, shall divulge the answers without looking at the questions… are you ready, HYATTEYAK???
I am ready.
Are you still being worked by imaginary online girlfriends
SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU DON'T KNO... well... Just give me the first envelope please
The first envelope! Hermetically sealed
In a jar
Funk & Wagnall’s porch
Since noon today.
Hyatteyak needs absolute silence.
Often times, Hyatteyak GETS absolute silence.
May a bisexual Goth Vampire geek trash you in his Live Journal
Oh… DEAR!! HOOOO
(*holds envelope to head*) GAY KANYON
What is Rene Dupree's pet name for Patterson bunghole?
HIYOOOO!!! HE LOST HIS CAR KEYS IN THERE!!!!! YOU ARE CORRECT, OH GREAT ONE!! HAHAHAHAHA
(*holds envelope to head*) HOEDOWN
What does Booker T shout after his wife is capped in a drive-by?
HOEDOWN!!!!!!! HEEEYOOOOO!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAA HO HO HO HO
May your only son find Rob Feinstein sexy!
May the owner of your website speak to you in carny
HOOOOO, HU.. HOOO
May you be owed money by Billy Firehawk!
DEAD AND STILL STIFFING THE BOYS, OH WISE ONE
(*holds envelope to head*) 3.5 Liter
How many cocks can a WWE Diva's ass hold at once and which one proved it?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHIYOOOOO THREE AND A HALF!! LITA IS A SLUT!! HOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
May you never be good enough for a phone call
May you get one text and spend the next year asking for another one!!
KAAA HAHAHAHAHAAA YOU ARE PATHETIC, O DESPERATE ONE!!
(*holds envelope to head*) RUSSO GOOD
I just said that.
I JUST SA…. Oh.
What can you get a Vietnamese hooker to say for an extra $10?
HAHAHAHIYOOO!! RU SO GOOD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HEYOOO RU SO GOOD!!!!
(*holds envelope to head*) Canadian Bacon
What does Trish Stratus call her labia?
HO! HO HO HEYOOOOOO!!!! TWO FLAPPING CURTAINS, OH WISE ONE!!
May April Hunter end up explaining how you're being played.
HAWHAWHAWHAW!! APRIL KNOWS THE TRUTH, O HORNY ONE
(*holds envelope to head*) Wade Keller
Oh shut up. May you feel guilty for getting laid on a Saturday night instead of being online
What did the Editor of the PW Torch do to the last girl who laughed at his tiny pee pee?
HEYOOOOO HO, HIYOOOOOOO! WADE KILLED HER!!! HAAAAHEYOOOO!! YOU ARE ON FIRE, OH HOT ONE!!
(*holds envelope to head*) Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Who did my friend Hack see bussing tables in Newark last week?
HOOOOOOO!!! HACK SAW JIM DUGGAN!!! HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
May Pee Wee Moore give you column advice.
(*holds envelope to head*) Sunday, Bloody Sunday!
What did my mom used to make me eat after she used a banana for a tampon?
HO!!! HIYOOO!!!!!!!! TRULY A MARVEL, OH GREAT ONE!! HEH HEH HEH!!!
May Samoa Joe look healthier than you!
What do you get when Adam Copeland is warned about an upcoming drug test?
HAHAHAHIYOOO!! A RARE SIGHTING INDEED!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HEYOOO!!!!
May Frank Goodman cut a promo on you
May you end up marrying someone named Gloomchen!
(*holds envelope to head*) Justin Credible
What did the nightshift manager at Target say when Pete Polaco showed up on time?
HO! HO HO HEYOOOOOO!!!! YOU ARE BOMBING, OH UNFUNNY ONE!!
May you find Dana Dameson attractive!
HAWHAWHAWHAW!! THE HUMAN MONKEY!! HOOOOOO
(*holds envelope to head*) Dave Meltzer
What happens when Dave sticks his dates in his oven?
HEYOOOOO HO, HIYOOOOOOO! DAVE MELTS THEM!!!!!!! HAWHAWHAWHAW!!!
(*holds envelope to head*) JD Michaels
What bottle was Diva winner Layla "initiated" with and who did the "intitiating"
HOOOOOOO!!! JACK DANIELS!!! THE HEARTBREAK KID RAPED HER WITH A BOTTLE OF JACK!!! HAHAHAHAHA YOUR WIT IS CUTTING EDGE, OH DEVIOUS ONE!!
May CM Punk take a "urinage" into your girlfriend's mouth!
I hold in my hands the LAST envelope
May Homicide catch you shagging his cousin!
May your daughter destroy your computer because she can't stop visiting PWInsider's virus infested free site
May Wade Keller throw you off his message board!
May Josh Grut try to start a web war with you
May you start thinking that waiting for a divorce to happen is a WISE move!
DEAR GOD, HO HO HOOOOO
(*holds envelope to head*) Testicle Cancer, 300 pounds, and Vivid.com
TESTICLE CANCER…. 300 POUNDS…. AND VIVID.COM!!!!!!
What's Hyatte's fate, Hyatte's future wife's weight, and Hyatte's Friday night Date?
HAHAHAHAA HEYOO HO HIYOOO!!! A TRUE LOSER, OH SELF-PITYING ONE!!
THANK YOU, I AM HYATTEYAK… GOODBYE!!!
GOODBYE, OH GREAT ONE… GOODBYE!!
Well then... that might have been a disaster
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*"Taxi" is spelled exactly the same in English, French, German, Swedish, Portuguese, and Dutch.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
Look at that, six countries where a black man can't get a ride.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
He's the only man alive who Hulk Hogan calls for advice on fucking over promoters
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
-Where were YOU last Thursday at eleven? Getting a good night's sleep so you can go to WORK THE NEXT DAY?? WHEN THERE IS WRESTLING ON??? What kind'a fag are YOU? TNA doesn't make judgements, they just show you what you missed. Christian and Rhyno breaking up a ten year friendship that no one knew about... LAX beating the snot out of a couple of white boys... Sting's non-stop crusade to save the world from evil and give the children a better tomorrow. Produced by that Sahadi douche who's getting way overpaid and overproducing because of it.
-"Gin and Tonic" Tenay and "Wheezy" West assure us that if the dude from the movie "Crank" watched this show, he'd LIVE FOREVER!!
-LAX smuggle themselves into the ring with their nifty little (NOT A DX RIP-OFF HOW DARE YOU THINK OTHERWISE) entrance video package... how Konan managed to sneak his ass into a killer gimmick is beyiond me, but there he is.
-Konan gets on the mic and immediately blames whitey. I have no clue for WHAT, specifically... but that hardly matters.
-On behalf of "whitey", I whole-heartedly apologize! Now can I have my rims back, PLEASE?
-Konan says that Wrestling has always been about the white man! (Well HELLO!!! Have you SEEN your audience???) He dropped some famous Hispanico wrestlers like Mil Mascaras, Pedro Morales, Tito Santana ("Chico!", "Tito. His name is TITO, Jess!", "That's what I said... CHICO!", "Will you stop!!"), and the Guerreros! Mando, Pancho, Harpo, Groucho, and Eddie.
-Audience exlodes at the drop of Eddie's name. Tenay screamed, "IS EDDIE THE NEXT MEMBER OF LAX????" Konan told the crowd to stop fake clapping and demanded to know which one of us gringos put rat poison in Eddie's toothbrush! Christian walked out and said, "It was a rib!! Leave me alone about it!!" then walked backstage. (AHA!)
-Just as Konan was about to explain why we are, in fact, a bunch of strawberries.... Chris Daniels and AJ Styles appeared on the TNAtron. Daniels said that their biggest mistake was "playing by LAX's rules" (Aha, so they got drunk on Tequila before showing up for work! Ola Ley!?) but now it's WHITEY'S turn!! (I bet involves a pay-off!)
-No, Daniels... or maybe it was Styles, said that the tag title rematch will be FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER... a Tag Team Ultimate X match! West screamed so loud he ruptured a testicle!
-Daniels (Styles? Someone white) explained that THIS type of match will keep Konan out of the equation... well, no... he didn't really explain... just said that Konan won't be able to interfere in a match where anything goes and there is no cage or anything surrounding them and there are no rules only lots of climbing and grabbing... oh, and has there ever been an Ultimate X match that DIDN'T involve four people? Or two people and one fat Samoa Joe who counts as two? Clearly, Dutch Mantel was smoking his backhair when he wrote this little speech up.
-Opening theme. TNA decided to put it in just in case there were a few UFC leftover viewers who were wondering why the fighters stopped choking each other and started making dumb-ass speeches that made no sense.
-Pete Williams came out. Tenay marveled at his Piledriver Flip-over Finisher that FINALLY overtook the Abdominal Stretch as the dumbest finishing move of all time.
-Senshi came out... with a look on his face that said, "I can't beleive I just knocked up a 14 year old! I'm in the shit NOW!" (Well... he DID)
-Tenay says Senshi and Williams faced each other JUST LAST WEEK and wondered if they could POSSIBLY co-exist??
-Out comes Chris Sabin and Jay Lethal, or as I like to call them: Nash's bitch and the Dude I would run away from. Sabin has ALL THE MOMENTUM IN THE WORLD after watching his program with Nash end because he was too boring for Nash to put over (God Bless the Big Lug!)
-They lock up... West refuses to believe that Senshi and Williams can get along... Tenay refuses to believe that one must be sober to call matches... TNA refuses to think that the hardcore fan that makes US will DARE to flip away during the night's first set of...
-commercials. I bet Teddy KGB wouldn't need more then ten Oreos before bankrupting that asshole from Bodog.net!
-Oh for... ROUNDERS YOU MORONS!! JOHN MALKOVICH!!! YOU KNOW? MALKATRAZ!! THE BALD DUDE WHO KNOWS A THING OR TWO ABOUT SCENERY CHEWING??? YEAH, HIM!
-Back to the match. Senshi chopped the crap out of Lethal and Sabin... but NO STOMPING! he saves the "kick-the-shit-out-of-you-fo'-real-because-you-are-breathing-my-air" stiffies for Pay Per View. Then Williams went for his silly Piledriver but Sabin reversed it into a... thing... and... Senshi just watched as Sabin won then did a Billy Kidman stand on the second rope and pose for the cameras move. I WANT NASH AS THE X-CHAMP!! GOD DAMN IT, WHY NOT????
-West shouted, "SENSHI CAN'T GET ALONG WITH ANYBODY!!!" Well, maybe if he smiled more?
-Bobby Roode said that he was a license for a manger to print money... then had the nerve to claim that Simon Diamond, James Mitchell, and Shane Douglas were "brilliant minds"... (WHAT??? SOMEONE PISS TEST THIS IDIOT, NOW!!)
-Then they teased that TNA hired Pat Riley AND Joe Torre as potential managers... they only thing they managed to do was avoid TNA's phone calls.
-Anywhoo... Roode says next week he'll trot out some managers who we, as a species, wouldn't immediately think of as potential managers... oh lord, I smell another race car driver cameo coming. Konan's gonna have a fit!
-commercials. Christie Hemme isn't doing the "Coming Up" teases. FOR CHRISSAKES WHY???
-Eric Young comes out doing one of those stupid gimmicks where he is paranoid, so he can't walk ten feet without turning around to make sure no one is coming for him.... I HATE those things... then he debutted his new move where he points to his eyes, then points to the audience... Tenay informs us that Young "sees eye to eye" with the audience. Just to make sure we KNOW to see eye to eye with him, he does this 120 times during this segment... which is right up there with the time Mike Awesome showed up on Nitro for no reason and started telling the crowd, "I do NOT have a MULLET! Don't call me MULLET HEAD!!"... which no one was doing so to begin with... which didn't stop him from going on for a full 4 minutes (I used to recap this shit, so I know) about how ANGRY he gets when the fans call him a Mullet Head even tho' no one was calling him that at all...
-... and no one called him that after either... heh... HA!
-Shark Boy came out... he was announced as hailing from "The deep blue sea"... no one asked how the hell can this man-fish breathe... and how the fuck did he make it to Central Florida? By BOAT???
-Young won, it was fun, he's number one, I am my father's son, I wish I had a gun.
-Larry Zbyszko showed up, as did Earl Hebner, as did another Larry-involved storyline that is the total and complete opposite of interesting and is enough of a "Survivor Series '97" rip-off to have ZERO chance of being anything but hokey.
-Christian & Rhyno get a video package explaining why they are BEST FRIENDS... but BITTER ENEMIES!!
-Christian tells Jeremy Borash that Rhyno is a DEAD MAN!! DEAD, DEAD DEAD!!! Well, not really... that would require the type of passion that Christian seems incapable of generating. Ron Killings showed up... wearing a WHITE SHIRT!! UNC'A TOM!!!!!!! and reminded Cage (and, of course, anyone watching who is still awake) that he is a 2 time NWA champion! (Yeah, but that was during the Russo era) and he doubts that Christian is "man enough" (what's up) to handle Sting... OR Rhyno.... OR pressure... OR an above the mid-card push... OR Trish Stratus (kissed her like a fag! So does Carlito! So did Jericho! So did Jeff Hardy! Hmm, maybe I'm putting blame on the WRONG person) OR a break-dancing machine like K-Kwick! Christian said that Killings wouldn't be the FIRST fake-ass rap wannabe whose ass he kicked! (Err... wasn't he shipped to Smackdown while Jericho got that push?) Christian continued to insinuate that Killings' momma was so broke she had to put a Big Mac on layaway. Killings popped Cage right on the hardest part of his skull and it was the Rodney King riot all over again.
-There's a PPV coming in 3 weeks and some clown named "Starr" will show up. There has been NO buzz on this. Even Meltzer publicly said, "Who gives a fuck?"
-Abyss came out with that dickhead Jim Mitchell. This is a Ten Thousand Thumbtack Match with Runt.... aka: "God Damn It If We're Going To Put Spike Dudley on TV We Better Have Some Stupid Gimmick Or Less People Will Flip Over To Seinfeld Reruns So Fast They'll Go Back In Time"
-Runt charges out and starts swinging. You think Kurt Angle has problems? MATT HYSON IS MELTING DOWN BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!! Look at this twit! He actually got SKINNIER since leaving the WWE! And who wears a mohawk anymore? Eddie Vedder tried it for about a month, saw that it generated NO album sales, and got back to the "hippie but can pass for Republican" shag... the dude is falling apart.
-Runt went for the Acid Drop early, which is a sure sign he's gonna get his ass kicked for the rest of this mess... then dumped a small bag of tacks on the ring. Abyss took control and carefully placed Runt so he was on his hands and knees while his head was over the tacks. Like a good little worker who knows it's either TNA or a career working for Indy assholes like Frank Goodman, Runt stayed there while Abyss lumbered around in slow motion... finally going for a stomp and MISSING... meanwhile, my eyes were starting to blear up... why am I watching this? WHY?? I don't care about ANYONE in this match!!
-Abyss dragged Runt over to the top of the entrance then started to position a table FILLED with thumbtacks to the edge of the entrance... this Teamster-like laboring (meaning he took his damn sweet time doing it) allowed TNA to run a few more...
-BACK TO THE ACTION... Abyss has a SECOND table and had Mitchell assist him in carrying it (Heh, the Monster got winded! I TOLD YOU HE HAD BEER MUSCLES AND NOTHING ELSE!!)... placed one table on top of the other one...
-oh for... they made it back to the ring and Runt landed in the little pile of thumbtacks and Tenay acted like he died and the Abyss won then, in a bit of action that would take me WAAAAY too long to tell, Abyss ended up going through the two thumbtack tabvles courtesy of Raven, who now has yellow eyes and is acting extra-weird... more than likely seeing a VOID left in TNA after Jeff Hardy bailed and is waddling right up to replace him as resident enigma!
-Anyone think Runt Dudley should go back to teaching 10th grade English? Me too!
-Armed men came out. No, really. Masked men with RIFLES came out. Tenay earned his paycheck by not screaming, "JESUS CHRIST, THIS SHOW GETS MORE STUPID BY THE MINUTE" and we are hauled off to the last batch of...
-Video shows that Sting is not just a man... he is... a DOUCHBAG... who signed the contract in a dark, dark, DARK room and then had to "go away for a while to someplace mysterious... someplace unknown..." Which is probably his agent's office demanding to know why he isn't getting movie roles yet, "I mean, aren't you showing Producers my featured role in Thunder in Paradise? I need OUT of this fuckin' rasslin' shit-biz!! OWWWWWWW"
-Why is there some chick with arms like Olive Oil wearing a Sting mask?
-Out comes Jeff Jarrett... who wastes about 3 minutes standing on the ring apron telling the fans that he is the champ and pointing to his belt to prove it. THIS is Southern Wrestling... textbook! And it is why Vince McMahon is more concerned with those Ultimate Fighter goons then he EVER could be with TNA.
-What follows is a LOOOOOOOOOONG, riDICKulous promo by Jarrett that I swear to Christ I taped just so I wouldn't watch it live just so I could fast forward through it. I did happen to catch the entire audience... in total unison, chant "YOU SUCK" loudly... and Jarrett refusing to acknowledge it... nope, he just went on with his promo because he WROTE it and by God he's going to SELL IT
-I couldn't take the rest... Cornette showed up over the phone and there was something about a lie detector test that is sure to eat up 20 minutes of next week's episode and I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT JARRETT COULD BE LYING ABOUT AND WHO CARES AND THIS IS NOT THE SUPER-DRWAM MATCH THEY ARE TRYING TO HARD TO MAKE IT OUT TO BE AND WHERE WAS SAMOA JOE ANYWAY AND WHERE THE HELL IS SCOTT STEINER???????
-The goddam show ends.
UGH.... let's... let's just wrap things up
LADIES LOVE COOL HY
So of course, being the web guy to whom April Hunter had this to say:
What I found was a witty, sweet guy... I have to say, the man is totally cool. Aside from JD, no guy has made me laugh that hard in a while. Very fun, very easy to talk to, very articulate, a real surprise. I was highly impressed and charmed... Whoever ends up snapping him up will be one lucky chick indeed.
I figure to be approached more than usual... and I AM!!
The following took place sometime last week... watch Mac Daddy Hyatte work his his voodoo and TAKE NOTES!
HotStacey353: Hey Sexy.. i love ur columns
Hyatte1com: thanks dude
HotStacey353: you'rew e.come.
HotStacey353: dont be so antisocial....
Hyatte1com: okay, I won't
HotStacey353: Your not talking
Hyatte1com: I said thanks!
HotStacey353: htats nice.
HotStacey353: you're we.c 1me.
Hyatte1com: so how are you?
Hyatte1com: that's good! Is your name Stacey?
Hyatte1com: and what does 353 stand for?
HotStacey353: i play soccer every weekend. what do you do on the weekends?
Hyatte1com: Cruise malls looking for young lettuce
HotStacey353: i am playing these addicting games:
HotStacey353: we should talk more?
HotStacey353: Have u ever tried to solve a rubiks cube? lol I swear it is impossible...
Hyatte1com: well, yeah, in the 80's
Hyatte1com: it's an ollld game
HotStacey353: i just got a new corvette, its so sweet.
Hyatte1com: brand new?
HotStacey353: it is sooo hot here! whats your weather like there?
Hyatte1com: hot where?
HotStacey353: i'll prboably never know.
Hyatte1com: where is it hot?
HotStacey353: i don't know i've never been there.
Hyatte1com: you said it's hot where you were
HotStacey353: leave me out of this. i did nothing wrong.
Hyatte1com: I disagree
HotStacey353: thats nice.
HotStacey353: You have been talking to a.computer! One of your friends is now reading the whole conversation and laughing it up! GET EVEN! Have the bot talk to all your friends by visiting http://www.chattingaimbot.com
Hyatte1com: Oh you ASSSHOLE!!
DAMMIT... first the Stratus betrayal and now THIS!
Hosed again... ME.... frickin' HYATTE.... the smartest of them ALL!
I think she liked me tho'... I think I have a shot with this one.
Next week... errrmm.... not much. Oh, the Return of the Bat! It ain't what you think.
And reading material, AND erotic porn
AND... lots of inside jokes and shots that no one will get.
HEY MAN!!! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
Fuckin'.... marrying some asshole who don't have half the talent I have... DUMB!!
This is Hyatte