The Midnight News
Hello WWE Legal Team, I'm Chris Hyatte and this is the Midnight News. I've been doing this for almost ten years now and only twice was I threatened to be sued. Once was by Turner Security who found out that I had a bounty out on Tony Schiavone's daughter. I wanted her teeth, and in exchange I was offering $50 and a blowjob. In my defense, Schiavone was a really, REALLY bad announcer and he had to PAY.
The second time was by Mark Madden, but he was bluffing and I shut him up awfully quick.
What I'm saying is that I'm not Pee Wee Moore, I know how to phrase things so no one can sue me. Read this for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy yourselves! No suing. I'm broke. Plus I am a fan of Triple H. I'm a legend here in Internet Land. Trish Stratus is a fan of mine. Leave me alone. I know a guy named Flea who will hire me a brilliant Jewish Lawyer to fight you if you try to come after me. Don't mess with me. Deal?
Anyway, no letters this week. Well has done run dry! Could possibly be due to the fact that Sean posted this thing AT 3 PM LAST MONDAY, A FULL 9 HOURS AFTER I HAD IT READY!!! I gave him a proper scolding. If this is late again this week, I'm taking a month off.
Okay then... off we go
THE ROCKY ROAD
Now that the Rock has gone and said outright, "Oh there ain't no WAY I'm a goin' back to wrestling!" I'd thought I'd go over his movie resume thus far, and how he is taking to his new career as a Big Time Hollywood Star!
1) The Mummy 2: In for the first and last 15 minutes. Promoted it mostly on WWE TV. Talked about how difficult it was. Said he was going to return to the ring very quick and lay the smackdown on plenty of candy asses. Movie did well but only the WWE had the nerve to give him credit for it.
2) The Scorpion King: A Conan-Like sword fighting action flick. First starring role. Opened early in the Summer and did okay. Hit the promotional road like a bat out of hell. Talked about how UNGODLY tough it was but he had fun although was quick to say it was NOTHING compared to performing in front of a live audience. Movie had the first summer weekend to itself and did well, but vanished after just a couple of weeks. Things looked good so far. Smart people started counting the days before he told WWE to fuck off.
3) The Rundown: A buddy action flick. Second starring role. Opened in the dregs of movie season that is FEBRUARY (or maybe March). TORE INTO the promotional road and spent weeks telling anyone with a pen or a camera that this is his best movie to date. Ironically, it's the one time he told the truth... as cheesy and dumb as the flick is, it's still TOTALLY watchable, serveral times over. His character was a wannabe chef but his sole contribution to the character was jotting down "Puccini Mushrooms" in his car. I always found that strange. Sold it as the new "Midnight Run"... problem is, "Midnight Run" bombed at the box office and only got cult status after hitting cable TV. "Rundown" had a decent, but dissappointing opening weekend. Rock promised the fans that he would be back to send some jabrony to heartbreak hotel in no time!
4) Walking Tall: A thriller/action flick. Third starring role. Opened nowhere near summer. BULLDOZED down the promotional road and swore on a stack of Bibles that this was the finest piece of work he's ever done! Told WWE fans he'll be back when he gets back and flashed them us eyebrow just to keep us happy. Movie tanked and it's not even good enough to watch twice. Crapfuckstick movie... horrible. Dialogue worse than a Chris Benoit promo.
5) Be Cool: Comedy. A supporting role in a John Travolta sequel. Opened close to summer because someone thinks John Travolta still sells tickets. Played an openly gay bodyguard. Big scene involved him gaying it up in front of a mirror trying on new clothes. Got beat up by Travolta twice. Didn't do a LOT of press for it but when he did, he called it "My most challenging role yet"... (translation, "I ain't no fag!!") Went on Letterman and for the first time, Dave didn't ask him about old AWA wrestlers, or wrestling in general. Flashed the WWE fans a quick eyebrow but made no promises about coming back. Movie didn't do too well but... Jesus Christ, it's John Travolta... he bombs more than Jackie Mason playing the red states
6) Doom: Hard core actioner aimed for the teenege boy crowd right in the thick of the Holiday season. Based on the videogame. Went for the Aliens vibe. Looked the camera right in the eye and said, "This is the bloodiest, sickest, most brutal blood and guts kill-them-all movie you'll ever see!" POUNDED the promotional road as if his career depended on its success. Begged the WWE fans to watch it but made no comment about coming back to cook something that we can all smell. If you blinked, you missed it. Such a bomb that neither HBO, Showtime, OR even Starz is rushing to get it on their channels.
7) Southland Tales: Drama/thriller. Thinned down and started banging Sarah Michelle Gellar on the set. Movie is about the Rock having amnesia in a futuristic world. Was taken to Cannes. Rock grabbed people by the lapels and said, "I'LL SACRIFICE MY DAUGHTER TO SATAN IF YOU CAN'T SAY THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT, CAREER-MAKING WORK I'VE EVER DONE!!" Glanced at the WWE cameras and said, "You again? Go see the movie and leave me alone." Openly giggles whenever someone asks if he's going back to the ring. Cannes called the movie the worst peice of shit they've ever seen. Someone asked where the Toxic Avenger was. Has yet to be released and odds are, it'll hit your DVD shelves before it hits your movie theater.
8) Gridiron Gang: Drama. Rock now assumes the role of "Coach/Father figure who's been there" and now believes that a bunch of juvenile criminals can turn into a football team. Is currently on the road saying, "Forget everything else I've ever done. THIS is the greatest piece of work I'll ever do!!" Set to arrive next week. Set to vanish from the theaters two weeks later. Now says, "Fuck Vince."
9) That other football movie who's name I can't remember: He got hurt in it, but its a Disney film and he plays a wild and crazy football player who has to raise his daughter. Is already looking in the mirror and practicing his vows that this is the most heartwarming role he's ever had and by God NOW he's going to be taken seriously!
So... when you look at the history, you see his movies getting worse while his ability to promote them get more and more implausible
In other words... the Rock has offically become the Samoan Ben Affleck!
Seriously, the guy just needs one really good, really boffo summer action movie and he's IN!
He needs a new agent.
9/11 - AN HOMAGE
Of course, today marks the 5th anniversary of the WTC attacks and when Hell came to New York.
Not to be outdone, today will be even SADDER for New York as the WWE will feature Trish Stratus in her final Raw appearence against Mickie James which will end in a Lita run-in. First the Towers, now Trish.
In honor of the towers blowing up, Trish promises to blow about 3 spots in her farewell match. If she picks up Mickie, then awkwardly drops her.... it's INTENTIONAL... her salute to the buildings collapsing.
But this isn't about her... (although I'm betting Lita blows out a knee about 30 seconds into next week's ppv match... heh... ha.)
I wondered how to do my own homage to 9-11 for this column... and decided that I needed someone who was there when it happened... someone who could speak HIS mind on this tragic anniversary. And, this being DOI... and me being so damn short on actual contacts... I decided to go to someone who I KNOW could speak his heart and his mind and pay his respects in a heartfelt, sober manner.
So, without further hyperbole, I present to you, in a Midnight News Exclusive:
The Day New York put over the Terrorists
by Frank Goodman
HIYA, WEENIE SNIFFERS, HERE'S THE MASKED MANIAC WITH MY TOUGHTS ON NINE ONE ONE! I WAS AT THE GYM, CURLING 200 POUND DUMMY BELLS, PEAKING MY BICEPS AND T'INKING OF HOW TO SNEAK A SHOW PAST DA' CATLICS BEFORE THEY COME JEWING ME UP FOR SOME FASHLUGGIN' EVENT FEES WHEN THE FIRST PLANE CRASHED INTA THE BUILDING, EVERYONE IN THE GYM, ALL D'EM FRUIT BOOTIES WITH THE SPANDEX AND THE PROTEIN SHAKES AND DA SPANDEX AND THE GOOSEY GOOSE LIMP ARMS WERE ALL GAWKING AT THE TV!! I KNOW THOSE GAWKS! I GET THEM WHENEVER I CUT ONE OF MY HOUR-LONG PROMOS! THE MANIAC IS LIKE A JET CRASHING INTO THE MINDS OF THE AUDIENCE!!
ANYWAYS, I DID WHAT ANY SELF-RESPECTIN' HEBREW WOULD DO, I LET THE SPANDEX QUEERS STARE AND I FINISHED MY WORKOUT, I HAD ALL THE MACHINES TO MYSELF! BEST WORKOUT I EVER HAD, THANKS OSAMA!
BUT THE MISHIGAS OF THE SITOOWASHUN IS WHAT REALLY POPS MY WOODY WOOD WAS THE TRAFFIC! I COULDN'T GET TO TEMPLE ON TIME WIT-OUT LEAVIN' 12 HOURS EARLY! AND DERE WAS NO FOOD! I HADDA GO WEEKS WITOUT ANY MUTTON! MY KIDS HADDA PRAY FOR THREE HOURS CUZ I COULDN'T GIVE THEM ANYTHING KOSHER! FUCKIN' OSAMA! IF I EVER SEE HIM IN THE STREET I'M GONNA RAM MY FIST RIGHT UP HIS HIDEY HIDEY STINKY HOLE AND THEN WAVE TO HIS LOWER INTESTINES!! I'M GONNA DO IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS DONKEY FACE GIRLFRIEND THEN I'M GONNA HIT HIM UP FOR SOME CASH! I HEAR DEM AY RABS ARE LOADED WITH DAT OIL MONEY! I WON'T PULL OUT OF HIM UNTIL HE WRITES ME A CHECK FOR AT LEAST $100 MILLION! THEN I'LL BE ABLE TO TELL THE CHRISTIAN COALITION TO SHOVE A YAMULKE UP THEIR TIGHTY WHITEY STINKSTARS WHEN THEY NEXT COME LOOKING FOR THE OL' JEW TO PAY UP! I'LL HAVE A SURPRISE FOR HIM!! HAHAHAAHAHA SCORE ONE FOR DA TRIBE!
SO, IN CLOSING, THOSE MASHOOGNA CAMEL JOCKEYS RUINED MY WEEK BECAUSE THEY HADDA GO AND TURN HEEL ON NEW YORK! BUT I GOT MY BICEPS NICE AND BIG ON 9/11 WHILE ALL THE TREE HUGGERS WHINED ABOUT A FEW DAGOS GETTING A BUILDING DROPPED ON DEM!
THOSE FUGLOCKIN' TOWEL WIPERS SHOULD COME DOWN TO DA' NEXT UXW SHOW! THE MANIAC WILL SHOW DEM A T'ING OR TWO ABOUT BRINGING THE HOUSE DOWN! GEVAULT!
BEFORE I GO FELCH A FEW SHEKELS FROM THE WIFEY POO'S PURSE, LEMME JUST SAY THAT SO LONG AS THE MASKED MANIAC IS STILL ABLE TO DO HIS CURLS, THE TERRORISTS WILL NEVER WIN! AND WHEN I SEES THESE CARPET RIDERS ON DA STREET, I'M GONNA GIVE THEM A GOOD OL' FASHIONED UNITED STATES OF A BOOT UP THEIR HEENY HIDEY TIDEY HOLES!!
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT SHOW "LOST"? I DON'T GET IT! IF I WAS ON DAT ISLAND I'D CRAWL DOWN THE HATCH AND DOWNLOAD MY WEINER INTO THAT BOTTLE FUCKER'S POOPY POO SHOO CORN SHITTER! DAT'S WHAT I'D DO!
Thank You Frank...
WRITING WITH BONERS
I love this bit, even though it takes me longer to do it then you might realize...
Someone showed me a site filled with "Erotic wrestling fiction"... in other words, bad writers telling sex stories starring YOUR favorite wrestlers.
So I thought it might be fun to take a snippet from one of the stories and post it for shits and giggles...
But then it occured to me that this is a FAMILY FRIENDLY column... and some of this stuff is too damn gosh darn racy for my more sensitive readers...
So I went Mad Libs on the bad part... but with a THEME to the Mad Libs.
Trust me, this might just take off.
So, I present to you, a few cuts from Kelly's Expose Part 3: Just A Test by Kristi (firstname.lastname@example.org) and Frederick "Dice" Casden (Fred_Dice_Casden@comcast.net) It took two people to write this, and one of them is THE DICEMAN!! LITTLE MISS MUFFIT, SAT IN HERE TUFFIT, EATING HER CURDS AND WHEY... ALONG CAME A SPIDER WHO SAT DOWN BESIDE HER AND SAID HEY... WHAT'S IN THE BOWL, BITCH? OOOOOH.... THE HUWAA!!
So, I present to you, a few cuts from Sable's Secret Lover: Part 3 by Kristi (email@example.com) and Frederick "Dice" Casden (Fred_Dice_Casden@comcast.net) It took two people to write this, and one of them is THE DICEMAN!! LITTLE MISS MUFFIT, SAT IN HERE TUFFIT, EATING HER CURDS AND WHEY... ALONG CAME A SPIDER WHO SAT DOWN BESIDE HER AND SAID HEY... WHAT'S IN THE BOWL, BITCH? OOOOOH.... THE HUWAA!!
The Mad Lib theme this week: DISNEY
I went over to Sable's house, through my back garden, and gave a slight knock before entering.
"Up here!" Torrie shouted.
I headed upstairs and into Sable's bedroom. I gasped as I saw Torrie. She was kneeling on the bed, naked. I looked her up and down, taking in all of
her gorgeous tanned body, glistening with what looked like (FAIRY DUST), her big, round (SIMBA) hanging perfectly on her chest, her toned stomach, her clean shaven (BRIAR PATCH) and her smooth, tanned legs. My (DUMBO) immediately sprang to life in my pants. Torrie motioned for me to come over with her finger. I began unbuttoning my shirt as I approached her. Torrie crawled over to the edge of the bed and grabbed my belt buckle, undoing it slowly, looking up at me.
Once she was done with the buckle, her hand began massaging my stiff (GRUMPY) through my jeans, cupping my (DONALD DUCK) and rubbing the (UNCLE SCROOGE). She unbuttoned my jeans, pulling them down. I slid my ankles out of my jeans, and then my boxers, as Torrie clawed them off of me. She looked lustfully at my stiff (BRE'ER RABBIT), biting her bottom lip gently. Her smooth, bronze hand reached out and gripped my (GENIE), and slowly began stroking it. Much like Sable, Torrie's hands were gorgeous and a major turn on for me. My (STEAMBOAT WILLY) became fully erect as her hand worked the shaft. She gripped it tight and worked it up and down, up and down.
Torrie leaned down and slowly began to lick the tip of my (BEAUTY), working her soft, wet tongue all over my sensitive (BEAST). I groaned softly at the sensation. She then pressed her smooth, soft lips against the tip of my (EPCOT CENTER), kissing it gently, her hand still slowly working my length. Torrie's warm mouth then engulfed my whole (HALL OF PRESIDENTS), swirling her tongue around it while it was in her mouth. She worked her lips back and forth, just over my (MAGIC KINGDOM) as her hand continued to work my meaty (POCAHONTAS). She then slipped her mouth about half way down the shaft, following her hand. She moved her mouth and hand up and down simultaneously, giving my (TINKERBELL) a great treat. She got more and more of my large (CRUELLA DEVILLE) in her mouth each time, eventually getting all of it down her throat....
She began to massage my heavy (PLUTO) with her free hand, rolling them around and rubbing them. She released my (FANTASIA) from her mouth and worked her hand over it quickly. Her smooth palm felt great against my throbbing (LILO). I looked down at her gorgeous face staring back up at me, and I ran my hands through her silky smooth blonde hair. Her hand worked up and down, eventually stopping and just working over the (& STITCH), as she moved her lips down to my (POISONED APPLE). She sucked one (GLASS SLIPPER) into her mouth at a time, working it with her tongue, then took (PRINCE CHARMING) into her mouth, gently sucking and tickling them. She gently let them drop from her mouth. Her hand continued to massage my heavy (IT'S A SMALL WORLD), as her mouth licked all the way back to my (AFTER ALL). She licked, sucked and
kissed all over the shaft, as her soft, sexy hand kept working the head. Torrie began looking up at me and then she pulled away from my (DONALD DUCK), slowly.
She slid up towards the top of the bed, motioning for me to join her. Without hesitation, I crawled onto the bed and lay gently on top of Torrie's amazing body. She put her arms around my neck, and I placed one hand on her smooth hip, the other on one of her awesome (WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY). We stared into each others eyes briefly, then began to kiss wildly. Our tongues wrestled fiercly as my hands roamed all over her amazing (SINBAD).
So there you have it.
The FUCK is wrong with you people?
Just so you have SOMETHING to laugh at...
Q: What do you call a (CANADIAN) with no arms?
Q: Why do (CANADIAN) women where high heels?
A: So their knuckles don't drag.
Q: Why are (CANADIAN)s eyes red after sex?
A: From the pepper spray.
Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10,000 (CANADIAN)s?
Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 (CANADIAN)s?
A: The quarterback.
Q: How do you get a (CANADIAN) out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What do you call a (CANADIAN) on birth-control?
A: Crime prevention.
Q: Why did the (CANADIAN) put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
Q: What does a (CANADIAN) girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
Q: How many (CANADIAN)s does it take to kidnap a child?
A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.
Q: How does a (CANADIAN) Firing Squad stand?
A: In a circle
Q: Why does the new (CANADIAN) navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old (CANADIAN) navy.
Bwahahahaaa... Canadians are funny... well, some of them are.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*A hamlet is a village without a church and a town is not a city until it has a cathedral.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
I wake up in the morning hating him.
Flea: Back and as incoherent as ever
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
-its the last few minutes of UFC! UFC: We're too dumb to learn how to fake it!
-TNA is the New Face of Professional Wrestling! Jeff Jarrett's face may be a lot of things, but new ain't one of them. Look at that forehead!!
-Now STING... his face is smooth and clean and youthful! That forehead is as flawless as fine china.... Jesus Christ, has that lazy, spoiled cocksucker EVER bladed himself???
-Last week, Jarrett signed the contract to fight Sting in October... I missed that part as I couldn't get through the 10 MINUTE PROMO HE CUT beforehand!
-This week, Jeff takes a Lie Detector test to ANSWER ONCE AND FOR ALL if he was the sorry, jealous bastard that pushed Owen off the railing. It wouldn't shock me if he had a hand in flying at least one of those jets into New York too! HE'S A NO-GOOD HEEL!!!!
-Jeremy Borash was live with Jeff Jarrett. Borash's shirt (open throat collar, cuz he's a hip swinging cat) matches his tan... which would be fine if his shirt wasn't the color of my penis after one of Mom's lap dances.
-Eric Young is there with black hair. He hinted at some WHACKY excuse for getting it but I'm sure it involved Young wanting to turn on some fag with stroke in that company.
-One thing you can count on in this business... dig deep enough and ALL roads lead to buttsex
-Young tells Jarrett he can help him pass the polygraph. The trick is to drink a bottle of Wesson Oil right before. You can pass a fucking Voltzwagon Bug with enough Wesson Oil in you!
-Mike Tenay and Don West screamed that tonight was THE night and ALL questions will be answered! Then, for no reason, West shouted, "And later... KARAOKE!"
-LAX came out. Tenay called Konan a filthy Jew, then he started telling West how much he loved him. Show ain't 5 minutes old and Tenay already shitfaced.
-El Ay Echs whipped the snot out of two jobbers who were apparently brothers. Apparently, MACK Brothers! Which means they have doubleteamed girls and weren't weirded out when their dicks touched.
-The ring had that Ultimate X crossed ropes up high thingy... West screamed, "IT'S AN ULTIMATE X MATCH RIGHT HERE ON LIVE TV!!!" Tenay said, "Could you... GLANCE at the program notes for once, you inbred!"
-Lax made quick work of these two... and just TOSSED them around the ring too. Then Konan got into the ring with a No Surrender poster and screamed, "OLA LEY!! WHY IS AMW ON THIS THING? THEY HAVEN'T BEEN INTERESTING IN MONTHS!!" That's a damn good point!
-Just as K-Dawg were about to explain how all of our Daddies managed to fornicate with and impregnate a strawberry which created a whole race of mutant half-human-half vine berry hybrids who apparently do nothing but follow Konan around because he's been calling us out for years.... he also said that Chris Daniels should go join the Blue Man group. I just gotta say, if the latina chick I'm presently seeing keeps up with the dirty talk during church, ol Hy8's gonna end up joining the Blue BALL Group (*rimshot BUTIGOTTATELLYA!!)
-AJ Styles and Chris Daniels came to SAVE THE DAY from cheap labor and crooked lawn lines! Daniels climbed to the top of the Ultimate X structure and sat square in the middle... Homicide tried to climb the ropes, then remembered that if he fell, New Jack would pop a cap in his piece for trademark infringment and stopped. (only ONE black dude is allowed to take stupid bumps in this business, ese!)
-Making good on their vow of a 60 minute adrenaline rush... Tenay and West (wearing an unusually subdued shirt and tie... his wife must've flipped over to last week's show by accident and screamed, "HE'S WEARING THAT?!?!?!?") discuss Jarrett's upcoming polygraph test. Tenay said, "This isn't one of those Sports Entertainment storylines where the Owner of the Company and His Son will do whatever it takes to rid the world of two 40 year old juvenile deliquents! THIS IS THE NEW FACE OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!! AND IN A FEW MINUTES WE WILL FIND OUT IF JEFF JARRETT IS A NO-GOOD, THIEVING LIAR!!!!"
-We see the Lie Detector Guy setting up the dreaded truth-maker... last week, the Lie Detector Guy was playing "Willie Loman" in Death of a Salesman at the Burt Reynold's Theatre in Jupiter, Fla! Charles Nelson Reilly played "Biff"! Dom DeLuise played "Jenny"
-Jim Cornette was backstage! That dippy Ref ran up to him and gave him a coffee, I think. Cornette took it and the Ref was happy. So now this Ref and Eric Young are working THE EXACT SAME GIMMICK AT THE EXACT SAME TIME!!!
-Bobby Heenan was in a limo and tempted Bobby Roode with not money, but something infinitely better! REAL ESTATE INVESTMENTS!! He interrupted his spiel when his cell rang... Heenan answered it then started screaming, "PATEL??? RABADON PATEL??? HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE A LIVING OFF THESE DEADBEATS??? WHERE DID YOU PULL THIS FROM? A MORGUE??? OH WHAT'S THE POINT JOHN! WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!! THIS IS HOW WE KEEP SCORE, BA-BEAT!! HEY PAL!! YOUR EXCUSES ARE YOUR OWN!!" Then he hung up and said, "When I find out who's fucking cousin he is...Talk about a fucking beat that would sap anyone's strength."....
-I just crammed shit from about 3 different scenes into that segment... Ricky Roma fuckin' rules all
-Then Heenan gave Roode a Red Lobster gift certificate... funny thing is, I have NO problems believing that this is how MANY TNA guys actually get paid.
-Jay Lethal, Chris Sabin, and Sonjay Dutt chose to watch Jackass 2 rather than train for the X-Division match, much to Jerry Lynn's chagrin. Jerry Lynn keeps fucking showing up for a scene, then vanishing for 6 months. Why is he still in the business? Isn't it high time he joins the lucrative world of mid-western car sales?
-Chris Sabin didn't get camera time, the back of his head got camera time... THIS IS WHY NASH HIGH-TAILED IT OUT OF THIS COMPANY!! HE ONLY PUTS OVER BIG STARS!!!!
-When's the new season of Viva La Bam starting anyway? Don Vito is the most awesome pedofile this side of Rob Feinstein
-America's Most Wanted acted like they were a cohesive unit again. Gail Kim acted like she cared. None of them are winning Emmys anytime in the next 100000 years.
-AMW took on Maverick Matt and Kooky Kazarian who took on Shark Boy ("Roy Scheider can suck my BALLS!!") and Norman Smiley who took on Road James and Kip Ass. Road Dog, who hasn't been seen in WEEKS, started his little pre-match rap thing but was CUT-OFF by AMW... which automatically makes AMW THE GREATEST GOD DAMN TEAM IN THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD!!!
-AMW won after a two minute match... 8 men got 2 full minutes to show off their stuff... I love this business, I really do.
-Oh dear Lord, AMW were arguing again! Between these two clowns, and the whole Hebner thing, and that gay, bald referee, and whatever Larry Zbyszko is up to, and anything involving Runt, and Shane Douglas, and the current championship picture... TNA is just completely STUFFED with buzz-less storylines. SOMEONE GIVE DUTCH MANTELL A RAISE!!
-commercials. Christy Hemme is back and they are filming her from the neck up. Bob Ryder says that no self-respecting wrestling fan is interested in titties and TNA agreed!
-Jeff Jarrett was smoking a cigarrette with a holder while Eric Young massaged his feet. Young interrupted the first few questions. Jarrett worked the story as if he wrote it. This is what happens when you give Sting weeks and weeks off at a time while trying to set-up a title match with him involved.
-What I can't believe is that Jarrett is doing EXCACTLY what everyone accuses Vince McMahon and Triple H of doing... yet if Raw was only an hour long you wouldn't see Vince for more than 5 minutes a week!
-Shane Douglas said that if the Naturals don't start getting over and by God it better be SOON... blah blah blah blah he's another guy who should be selling Aluminum Siding to old people in Omaha.
-A Starr is coming in two weeks and you have to PAY FOR IT!!! I have a feeling you won't.
-Raven says he's going to do the Flock gimmick again because it's the only thing that worked for him over the last ten years... only this time, he's wearing WHITE! Runt is his first member. He also says he's going to be hanged for our sins against Abyss next week. It'll be funny if the rope breaks from his newfound weight! HA! Then he has to scramble to re-hang himself while Abyss looks around wondering just what to do. HAHA!! That would be so funny!
-Christian and the Truth were given a full 13 minutes and a solid set of...
-to work... and they did... and it wasn't bad. Christian won. He tried for the "Conchairto" but Rhyno stopped it and challenged him at the PPV... I'm getting bored.
-The rest of the show was Jarrett's saga... he lied about something... find me someone who cares.
-HOWEVER, we did get a Jarrett/Samoa Joe Lumberjack match at the PPV where the FANS will be the Lumberjacks... because they just CAN'T go without adding something stupid.
-the show ends. I'm learning to hate wrestling all over again. Let's just call it a column... right after this one, last, thing...
THE REAL BAT MAN
This was the very last thing I wrote for my old place about a year and two weeks ago. I'm re-running it now for a VERY SPECIFIC REASON...
Chapter One: The Uninvited Stranger
It was Saturday night and I was home... alone, so dreadfully alone. Late, yes it was. Late.
In my parlor, I have no overhead lights, and my lamp had burned its bulb a week ago. I keep forgetting to buy new bulbs, so the light from the TV is all I have.
So, Saturday night, around one o'clock, I get up to get a glass of Chianti when something brushes my arm and flies into the kitchen. It's a hot summer night, so I figure it's a butterfly, or at the very least, a bigger than average moth. I went and got my wine in the well-lit kitchen and I felt a small gust of air on the back of my neck. I turned and saw a large winged animal turn back into my dark parlor. It was small and gray and didn't hover near the overhead kitchen light. Small, yes, but bigger than any bug outside of the rainforest. I knew it wasn't a moth.
A goddam bat was in my home.
Now, what I know about bats are as followed: They hate light. They have their own built in sonar. They can't see so they're apt to fly right into your face. They also have been called "Rats with wings".
Speaking of rats, I also know that bats carry more diseases than rats at a Rob Black XWF show. I hate rats. I hate mice. I hate pretty much anything that comes into my home and runs around willy nilly.
So I turned on every light in my home, grabbed a broom, and waited. The thing didn't come back. I figured he found a hole and took off. I figured I was safe.
Chapter Two: When Death Attacks
Sunday night, eight o'clock. The daylight was breathing its last outside my parlor window. Shadows were closing in. On a hunch, and just to make sure, I had turned on my kitchen light just to get some illumination into my parlor. I wasn't worried. I felt quite sure that the flying beast had found its way out of my home. All was well in Hyatte-Country.
Then a shadow passed by the reflected light from my kitchen. A small shadow cut through the brightness. My breath shorted. My adrenaline kicked in. I began to sweat. I was alive, alert, stunned out of my sloth-like complacency.
It was back. It was hungry.
I got up and grabbed my broom that I reserve for my pet parrot, Jake (a blue and gold Macaw that says: "Hey buddy", "Hello", "Pretty Bird", "What's the problem", "How are ya", "Shut up", "Shut the fuck up", "Fuck you", and likes to say "What" repeatedly like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.) and went towards the kitchen. I was ready to fight.
The goddam bat buzzed me. Buzzed right past me INTO my parlor. It went on the offensive!
I screamed, "AHHHHHH" ducked my head down, and swung wildly with my broom. I think I clipped it from behind. I turned around and the bat had flown back around and was aiming right for me! From the kitchen light I saw its eyes: black, evil, souless. I raised the broom to my face to protect my handsomeness. It buzzed me again.
And then Jake freaked out. Jake was watching this unfold quietly but once he saw the broom, he instinctively cawed "FUCK YOU!!" and flew to the other room, my bedroom, screaming and wailing like he does whenever he takes flight. The bat heard that unbearable sound and flew away. I took a mistep and stepped right on the cheescake I was enjoying at the time. My foot landed squarely into the cheesecake, syrupy cherries mashed between my toes. I shouted "Aw FUCK ME!!" From my bedroom, Jake yelled, "Shut the fuck up!" The bat flew into the kitchen. I think it was giggling. It won the round.
Slowly, with great deliberation, I cleaned my foot off, tossed the mushed cheesecake aside, cuddled the clearly taumatized bird, told him it was okay, and gently locked him in his cage. The shadow zoomed left and right from the kitchen light-reflection. The bat was dancing in celebration. Mocking me. I grabbed my broom and steeled myself and went into the kitchen.
Now it was personal.
Chapter Three: Hyatte Makes His Last Stand
It made one more swing around the kitchen before fluying off into the darkened spare bedroom once I stepped into the doorway. I followed, but stopped just short of entering the dark bedroom. Instead, I watched, I observed it's movements, it's pattern. It flew the circumference of the spare bedroom over and over, as if it was looking for a hole to escape out of. Good, I thought. Let it know fear. Let it panic.
I entered the spare bedroom and watched it flap about, round and round, always one motion, always the same direction. Beautiful. I took a few swings of the broom, it skillfully flew past each swing. I screamed like a woman and swung again, knocking over my small collection of Blue Boy magazines that I had been planning on putting in my neighbor's recycle bin but hadn't gotten around to yet. As pictures of naked man-children scattered about my feet, I decided to turn on the psychological warfare and I flicked on the light.
The bat shrieked in pain and it's flying grew more erratic, more hostile, but it maintained the same flight pattern. I swung wildly, knocking over various lotions and lubricants, and my prized bottle of Aqua Velva. The bat still avoided my artful lunges. It still laughed at me. It still mocked me.
I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and opened them. Like Ralph Macchio doing the Kata in Karate Kid Part III, I found focus where there was none. I found calm where the was once panic. I became one with my broom. I was the broom. The broom was me.
I smiled. The bat changed its direction and aimed for me. It was aiming for my throat, my eyes, my sanity.
Not this night, my friend, I thought. You picked the wrong asshole to fuck with.
I swung and connected with the mothefucker. It went down on my bed and laid motionless.
Chapter Four: Bat out of HELL
Breathing heavy, I remembered my past dealings with mice - those other creatures that only Satan could have created - and recalled how they can feign dead just long enough to find an escape and come back another day. Not trusting the power of my swing, I planted the broom on the prone beastling and plotted my next move. Under the tightly bound straw, I could hear the bat's teeth, click, click and rattle, gnashing away at the broom's meat. Looking for escape, looking for me. I bet it couldn't wait to sink those clicking fangs on me. It wanted to rip, to tear, to rend. I wasn't about to give it the satisfaction. I rolled the blanket it was on over again and again and gently slid the broom off it once it was properly rolled. The bat was trapped in a cage of heavy quilt. Unable to move.
I stood there and planned my next move. I considered jumping up and down on the blanket until the bat was flattened, but that would leave me with a disease-infested blanket to contend with. I knew I couldn't leave it there to die because it might escape. I had to get it outside. I had to carry the rolled up blanket outdoors and unfurl it into the night. Hopefully, the bat would be confused by the change in surroundings and either take off, or it was still stunned by my beautiful Barry Bonds-like swing and just roll onto the grass. Yes, that was the plan. But, in order to do that, I would have to leave the bat alone, unwatched, for a moment while I found some pants.
One just couldn't walk outside in my neighborhood with only a t-shirt on, bare-assed for the world to see.
I put the broom on top of the rolled-up blanket, and hunted up a pair of shorts.
Chapter Five: Terror Rules the Night
Fully dressed, and freshly masturbated, I carried the blanket outside and deep into the backyard. I unrolled the blaket by releasing the end furthest from me and makiing a grand sweeping gesture with my arms, hoping the corpse of the bat would sail out and land on the ground. No bat came out on my first try. I opened it further and repeated. No bat came out. Concerned, I opened up the blanket fully and swept it out, letting it glide softly to the ground in all it's 4 X 2 glory.
Nothing. I flipped it over. Nothing. Not a stain, not a smear, not a chewed up hole. It was as if the bat was never there.
I went back to my apartment, grabbed my broom, and examined the battlezone. I swept the broom under the bed. Jammed it into every dark crevice, every black hole, every shadowy corner. Nothing. Where was it? It must have rolled out soundlessly when I first unfolded the blanket. It must've gathered its wits enough to fly out at the moment I opened the blanket, and I just happened to miss it. In any case. It was gone. I had gotten rid of it.
Or did I. Was it cowering in some small nook in the wall, licking its wounds? Was it dead? Was it gathering its friends. Was it watching me as I swept through the room, through the place of its near death? Was it ewatching me and taking notes of its own? Was it watching my throat and licking its teeth in anticipation? Was it watching my eyes and thinking about how nice it will be to pop into them and pluck them out like ripened grapes? Was it watching my balls and thinking of apples in a tree? Probably not, seeing how its blind... but was it imagining doing those things to me? Was it making its own plans?
Right now, hours before sunrise, I type this and I hear noises in the rooms behind me. It could be my over-active imagination... but what if... what if.
Perhaps the war had yet to begin?
And why do you get this again? Well, first of all because it's BRILLIANT... but second of all...
Because three days ago, The bat returned!
Next week, the SEQUEL! And a book review! Plus a PPV recap starring the last match from what'shername... great. Let's hope she gives her fiance a giant kiss on live TV... marvelous... in fact, why not just fuck him! Just mount his lap and start pounding up and down. Fuckin'... Canadian.... BiiiIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIAIIAIIRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, that reminds me...
A SECRET MESSAGE; AND INSIDE NOTE
Turmoil in the head is nice, let me know when there is turmoil in the heart.
Outtie, low riders.
This is Hyatte