The Midnight News
While trying to find some type of archives to the old mop-ups on google, I stumbled across your blog. Even though reading the latest is awesome, I still need my “classic” mop-up fix. Can you hook me up? Thanks.
What's up, Yankee Fans. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Hey! How about that 200 million dollar team with an All-Star at EVERY position whipped YET AGAIN by a team of young over-achievers?? Baseball is officially OVER for 90% of us... once those lame-ass Yankees get humiliated out of the play-offs... it's all downhill.
Okay then, I had a nice two week lay-off... enough time for you kids to realize that you DO miss me and I AM an important part of your weekly Internet read... it's okay, you don't have to admit it... go right ahead and trash me... I know you read every week... I know you get mad when I'm not around.
So let's catch up...
THE BUYRATES WILL HAVE NO MERCY
A full out PPV was tonight... a Smackdown PPV!!
Didn't see it.... so instead I'll give you...
THINGS TRISH STRATUS THOUGHT OF AS SHE WALKED DOWN THE AISLE LAST SATURDAY
-"God I love my tits"
-"Christopher, I miss you."
-"These yambos are perfect."
-"I don't know any of these hosers."
-"I'm making a huge mistake."
-"My vag is itchy"
-"This thing is costing me a fortune"
-"Did I leave my iron on?"
-"Wrong man, wrong man. Oh well, that's what lawyers are for."
-"Amazing, Lita hasn't injured herself yet and ruined my moment."
-"Vince and Linda sent us a fruitbasket. Thanks a million."
-"I hope Meltzer doesn't brag about being invited here. It might expose me as a leak."
-"How the hell did Mike Johnson get in?"
-"Shit, what a time to have to fart."
-"He'll still want to be chat buddies, I'm sure."
-"I forgot to shave today, someone's getting scratched up tonight!"
-"That cake looks delicious. I can't wait to puke it up later."
-"Lillian? Why the long face?"
-"I wonder if Hyatte's online?"
-"Can't wait for my second marriage. Hang in there, Hyatte!"
Of COURSE I'm reporting the truth here!
Wish her all the best... yadda, yadda, yadda
Nice girl. No, really.
Anyway, Benoit returned on the PPV and William Regal apparently was the star of the show!
THE TNA THREESOME
And, within just a couple of weeks, TNA changes EVERYTHING by bringing back Vince Russo, bringing in Kurt Angle, and caving in to the demands of Kevin Nash for a third time... and just like that, this damn company has just gotten FASCINATING...
But what do these three men bring to the table? Well, I asked a couple of guys to weigh in THEIR thoughts and ended up with a neat little point/counterpoint thing going... you'll like this, and you'll also LEARN... YES, YOU WILL!!!
On Kurt Angle
Gallant says: A seasoned, extraordinary worker who will add starpower to the TNA roster
Goofus says: He knows where to score good painkillers for pocket change!
Gallant says: The Olympic Gold Medalist now gives TNA bragging rights.
Goofus says: You ain't a wrestling company until someone dies on your watch.
Gallant says: He'll expect the locker room to up their game now
Goofus says: He'll expect the locker room to provide plenty of blow.
Gallant says: He's happily married and will be a role model for the younger stars
Goofus says: Bring an Olympic medalist to any bar and even that splooge, Runt will get leftover rat action.
Gallant says: Finally, modern era competition to bring out the best in Jeff Jarrett
Goofus says: When he sells a Jarrett guitar shot they better check to see if he can feel his fucking legs!
Gallant says: Dixie Carter assures us he will be looked after and held accountable for his rumored problems
Goofus says: Dixie already gave him her asshole.
Gallant says: He will provide a stellar opponent for Sting and bring out the best in him!
Goofus says: After 4 years of listening to Shawn Michaels go on and on about this God bullshit, Angle plans of slapping Sting silly if he starts preaching!
Gallant says: The Angle TNA mouthguard will be a huge marketing bonanza
Goofus says: The Angle TNA mouthguard keeps the crippled dumbass from spasming in the ring and swallowing his tongue
Gallant says: Kurt Angle's wife will be a welcomed member of the TNA fraternity of wrestler wives
Goofus says: Angle's stripper wife will teach Mrs AJ Styles how to install a pole in their bedroom and how to use it.
Gallant says: Kurt will become fast friends with Samoa Joe
Goofus says: Finally, someone Joe can beat to the buffet table!
On Vince Russo
Gallant says: Redemption! A chance to make up for past mistakes
Goofus says: Great, another born again cocksucker.
Gallant says: A skilled writer with a quirky mind for the business
Goofus says: A failed at everything else asshole
Gallant says: Responsible for the biggest boom in WWF history
Goofus says: Will book a "Percocet on a Pole" match between Angle and Jesse James
Gallant says: His New York upbringing will bring a fresh outlook to the southern style sensibilities of the TNA booking committee
Goofus says: Will spend a good part of the creative meetings telling Dutch Mantel to shave his fucking back
Gallant says: His days of having midgets beat off in a trash can are over with.
Goofus says: Well... what else do you do with those creepy little people?
Gallant says: Russo sees potential in everyone and all workers will get a push!
Goofus says: No one wants to see Billy Gunn on their TV
Gallant says: Russo understands that changes need to be made in the main event slot
Goofus says: Jeff Jarrett pretty much runs the company and is good friends with Russo and is STILL the head writer. Nothing's gonna change.
Gallant says: Russo can't WAIT to work with Sting again
Goofus says: Oh just put that jackass back in the rafters for a year and let's hope he slips.
Gallant says: Russo knows who will help him reach his goals!
Goofus says: Fuckin' wonderful... Disco Inferno is on his way back. Whoopie!
Gallant says: Russo's mind is now FILLED with new ideas and fresh takes on the business
Goofus says: Let's set Monty Brown up with a transvestite and watch what happens!
on Kevin Nash
Gallant says: A BRILLIANT mic man!
Goofus says: He let's everyone else work and he makes all the money!
Gallant says: He will create new stars with his charisma!
Goofus says: He will buy a home in Hawaii with all the money he's getting from these money marks
Gallant says: He has something to prove!
Goofus says: House shows are for suckers!
I'd go on but... come onnnn.... the man is a genius.... I'm not going to piss on him.
THE BLAND KANYON
So Chris Kanyon has a plan, a plan to re-enter the world of wrestling... BIG TIME wrestling... a plan to get the attention of someone... ANYONE with money and a TV show... a plan to get over as wrestling's first openly gay wrestler.
Cuz... you know... we wrestling fans can't WAIT for the first real life homo to prance around in the ring half-naked.
And the plan seems to be to gay it up wherever he goes and make a general annoyance of himself.
His latest scheme was to go on Howard Stern's radio show and have Howard try to get Vince McMahon on the phone. He also participated in some gay activities.
Here, he posted pictures of him grappling with a naked guy and going for someone's ballsack.
This is part of a long line of recent antics and general whining on his part to get attention... ANY attention... from ANYONE... and if he isn't getting it... it's because he's gay and wrestling is nothing but homophobes and pedofiles. (Only in wrestling can they co-exist)
What Kanyon doesn't seem to realize if something I'd like to address right now...
Chris... stud... first of all, I think you're faking. You ain't gay. It's an act.
But forget about that... go on, go be the unemployed gay wrestler just trying his damndest to get hired by making a ruckus. You have a plan, a plan that will make people MONEY! It's a good plan, right?
Here's the problem, Chris. And I'm speaking for wrestling fans everywhere... no, I'm positive. Aside from a small smattering of rubes who think you're so BRAVE for coming out... I'm speaking for the OTHER 99% of us...
You're not getting hired because you're GAY. You're not getting hired because no one CARES!
We don't CARE about you. You never connected with us. You never cliqued. You are a good worker and all, but you have no CHARISMA, no PIZZAZZ... you are BORING.
Kanyon, we don't care if you like you cock big, black, and oozy.... we don't think about you. No one in the history of time EVER uttered the words, "Man, we can sure use Kanyon back on television."
Your matches were okay, but we forgot about them 30 seconds after the bell rung.
Your storylines were time filling, but we used the time to pick our toenails and eat the pieces.
Your promos were serviceable, but when we responded to "Who Better then Kanyon" with "EVERYBODY"... we weren't working a gimmick. We were SHOOTING!!
You were so boring, you made people AROUND you boring! DDP needed all the help he could get, but as soon as he hooked up with you his main event runs ended.
Kanyon... please... just read this. I took an informal poll and came up with a list of things we, as wrestling fans, devote more time thinking about, then we do you... are you ready? This will only hurt for a second...
-Those little dots we see in the corner of our eyes that always move when we try to look directly at them. We care about those more than YOU
-18th century neotransedential scultpures. We think about that more than YOU
-Abraham Lincoln's exact weight when he died. We ponder that more than we ponder YOU.
-What Potsie from "Happy Days" is up to these days. We wonder more about that than we do YOU.
-Do earthworms dream. We think on that more than we think on YOU.
-Whether our grandmothers still play with themselves. We muse about that than we do YOU.
-Where do our toenails, you know... the ones we chewed and spat out during your storylines... we wondered where they go a lot more than we wonder about YOU.
-Whether Sammy Hagar will ever make-up with Eddie Van Halen. We worry about that more than we worry about YOU
-Joey Buttafuco. We care more about him than we do YOU
Do you see? Do you get it?
Look, go be the first openly gay Mazda salesman. Go be the first openly gay Aninal Control Officer in Bumblefuck, Iowa, go be the first openly gay school crossing guard. Go be the first openly gay short order cook. Go be the first openly gay birdhouse builder. Go bve the first openly gay SOMETHING... ANYTHING...
Just do it QUIETLY!!
I'm sure you're a nice guy... and a technically proficient worker... but no one is going to pay to watch you perform... you weren't that good, dude.
As wrestling fans, we apologize. When we said Kanyon sucked... it wasn't supposed to give you this bright idea... it was just to tell you that we don't want you around. You weren't missed! You aren't going to get our money. It just meant we thought you sucked.
Sorry, dude. Best of luck to ya.
And go back to being straight. Anne Heche almost lost her career with this nonsense. Good Lord.
You're making a gay fool of yourself man! And you're STILL a bore!
BISCH OFF THE BEST SELLER LIST
So, I didn't really BUY Eric Bischoff's book, Controversy Creates Cash... but I got an advanced copy and look through it. I was ordered not to review it... so I asked if I could run a few quotes from it... to give the readers a TASTE of what's in here. They said go right ahead...
"And until right now, Verne never knew that the cream in his coffee was partly Blackwell jizz" -page 102
"You want to con a rich rube out of millions? Move to Atlanta." -page 98
"When they found the empty crackpipe, all I could say was thank God Tammy Sytch was around." -page 69
"I will always believe that given the opportunity, Alex Wright could've been bigger than Flair." -page 212
"I look at Heyman and think, 'I can't believe Hitler missed that family tree.'" -page 198
"I gotta tell you, no one cuts a straighter lawn line than DDP." -page 100
"When I kissed Stephanie I tasted motor oil. I can't explain it." -page 254
"When I kissed Linda I tasted Skoal." -page 255
"It was when Russo bragged about creating Hulk-A-Mania that I knew he was a psychotic" -page 187
"Jim Ross is an asshole. We spent years working together in the WWE and not once did he smile," -page 76
"I paid Schiavone $1000 to get in his boxers and jump up and down in the locker room. We took bets as to how long before the jiggling stopped." -page 123
"Kimberly Page has a penis. There, I said it." -page 101
"I still dye my pubes" -page 234
"ECW isn't hardcore. Try going hunting in Montana with Rick Steiner. Put a gun in that retard's hands and you WILL know hardcore." -page 260
"So finally I looked Austin in the eye and said, 'Look, if you don't stop crying about getting fired I'm going to dickslap you.' And I did!" -page 312
"Little known fact: Strippers at the Gold Club insist on using strap-ons." -page 344
"Talk about screw ups, Trish Stratus married some jerk instead of her soul-mate, Chris Hyatte. I mean, what an idiot. I'm glad I made her swallow." -page 1
"The worst part was backstage, Hall tried to lick his puke back up. He kept saying, 'Hey Yo, there's good whickey being wasted on your shirt, mang.'" -page 154
"Goldberg isn't circumsized." -page 142
"It was right then I realized Flair would put over a malamute if asked." -page 333
"Judy Bagwell has an asshole the size of a basketball" -page 229
"Now that I think of it, I never saw Buff with a girl, or even try to get one!" -page 230
"Lex used to joke about how Elizabeth refused to shave from the belly button down." -page 32
"One day soon, Jason Hervey and I will be bigger than the Weinsteins" -page 350
"I only kept Keibler around because she refused to wear underwear." -page 200
"Hey, I would still be running a thriving WCW if more of you jerks bought a goddam PPV!!" -page 2
"When Jeff Jarrett complained about not getting a title run I told him, 'When you talk some mark into fronting up tens of millions for a wrestling company then you can be whatever type of champion you want to! Until then, shut up and hit someone with your guitar, mid-carder!'" -page 298
"I think, when I threw coffee at Eddie, it's what ultimately killed him. Whoops! Sorry Vick." -page 311
"Kidman, Goldberg, Levy, Waltman... Jesus, I moved to Atlanta to get AWAY from the Christ Killers!" -page 274
"I think Savage is Brooke Hogan's real Daddy." -page 165
"Terry is okay, except for his habit of screwing up booking plans right before his music plays and demanding we rewrite everything before he gets out there." -page 54
"I still can't understand why Glacier didn't become bigger than Stone Cold." -page 103
Clearly, a fascinating read. Go buy it.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
...People asking him to find Hyatte and get me online?
I just tell them I left a voicemail and they go away.
Flea: his weekends start on Tuesdays
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*All mammals except for man and ape are naturally color-blind*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
Speaking of color-blindness, I broke up with that Hispanic girl. Not because of her mustache, but because it turns out she is half-German. I learned this after I caught her trying to steal my oven.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
Because even Dave Meltzer begrudgingly admits that at this point, you have GOT to love the guy!
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Respect the Nash... he went and jewed another UNGODLY sum of money to TNA... AND HE WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WRESTLE!! SOMEONE ELSE DOES AND HE GETS ALL THE MONEY!!! SON!!!!!!!
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
This show ain't going to be watchable until Russo starts writing it and Nash shows up with a mic and ten minutes to fill... so until then...
ACROSS THE BOARDS
We've been through this before...
I hit sites, lots of sites, and pull interesting quotes from then... quotes from YOU, JOHN Q DUMBFUCK and your peers. I do not NAME the sites because fuck them. I only admit to NOT use the forum here at DOI.
This time, I decided to NOT go topical. What i have assembled together are just fun, stupid quotes that don't have anything to do with anything going on right at the moment. Hell, I don't even think "Kurt Angle" appears even once! Well, okay, he's in one quote, but it isn't about his jump to TNA.
Soooo, let's get crazy!
"if you post a bunch of stuff that we gotta edit or delete, I'm gonna ban you till you sober up."
"Everyone is entitled to their opinion ... and I wish I were smoking something phenomenal ... "
"Last I heard Bob Orton Jr. was living in Missouri and selling cars."
"I am Crushred, killer of threads. Lord of the orphan post. King of all you see and emperor of everything you don't see"
"Whatta ya saying, dude? I'm not funny? No way! Oh well, if I'm not funny, you're not a virgin."
"Ribs are, without a doubt, the worst food to eat on a first date. I ordered ribs without thinking once on a date, and I found out later that she was a vegetarian. She later told me that watching me chew away at the meat, with my hands covered in sauce, made her nauseous. 'You looked like Fred Flintstone and Dahmer's love child.' That's a quote."
"Yeah, Pro Wrestling was just HORRIBLE with racist and politically incorrect angles. You'd never see anything like that in the seventies or eighties, especially. Archie Bunker was good family entertainment and George Jefferson walking on a white man's back was just good fun."
"Amazing how all these guys could hit each other with bottles and mirrors and roll around in broken glass and yet never suffer so much as a scratch ..."
"That shit's pretty harsh. I'd like for you to apologize for calling me an idiot."
"Apologize to your mom first"
"Well, [workrate is] a useless word. I mean, if I said that "Benoit vs. Angle was a cromulent match which embiggened the status of both men", it would mean just about as much as saying "Benoit's workrate was above average, however, his moveset was severly limited There's no real definition for the word, and it's used by smarks to appear smarter than the average bear."
"You dare anger the mighty MUM-RA?"
"I never did understand the whole ‘dropping the strap on the singlet’ thing. Apparently it worked like Popeye eating spinach, but why?"
"Rating relative to sex: Great Bj. This show was a little toothy at points, but in the end, it swallowed."
"Rock is like Sandy Koufax, short career with great highs. But after 2000, he hasn't drawn any more than anyone else for more than a week or two."
"Well, I'm sorry I don't find Asian girls attractive."
"I sure hope this wasn't Vince's way of getting Hunter ready for his yearly title run..."
"I'd say the worst swerve ever was when Joe Pedicino illegaly tape recorded some conversations of Max Andrews, and revealed Max to be "The Boss" in the GWF. It went over like a gangbang in church"
"Richard Nixon will rise from the dead and run as Hillary's V.P. before Shane Douglas goes anywhere near a Ric Flair tribute flick."
"I think we need Lord Alfred Hayes ... "
"This ain't third grade. As moderator I want you all to stop using the word BUTT. It's TITS and ASS from now on! And no BOOBS either. Replace BOOBS with TITS. TITS and ASS! TITS and ASS!"
"My Lord. Thank God I'm moving to Japan in 3 weeks. They dont show WWF programming over there do they?"
"When exactly did Stephanie's voice change? Because it sounds exactly the fricking same and annoying as it always has for like 5 years now."
"Okay ... is it just me, or does anyone else think that Tazz is the worst commentator of all time... absolutely deplorable ... who did he blow to get that job?"
"Jerry Lawler as a babyface could not only convince you that the sky was turning green, pigs could fly, and a mouse could pull a boxcar--he could get you to buy a ticket Monday night to see all three of the above things come to pass."
"a friend of mine had a hdea rt attacfki 44 years old dudes be caerful watch yer heart 44 man"
"Maybe you should not be posting right now. You KNOW what tends to happen when you post in this condition."
"Anyone know when Sunny's porn debut is cumming out? I don't care what she looks like now, I'm there."
"Wrestlers using steroids is a misconception. Let me rephrase that. Steroids in the present day pro wrestling scene is a misconception. Wrestlers must now go through serious testing and there is no way around it. These guys are the real deal, and their natural physiques of wonder can simply be attributed to 'wanting it more' than the guys of old. Just ask any of them... they'll tell you."
"I know how huge proresu is in Japan and I know wrestling is popular in Korea, but I don't know much about Chinese professional wrestling or even if there is such an animal. I would assume that with the NFL and NBA eyeing China as a market that Vince would have some interest too. Does anyone have any info about Chinese wrestling, past and present?"
"When Owen Hart died, I wore a black OH armband and also made it a point to use the word "Oh" in all of my conversations to honor his memory"
"So you're telling me you took a permanent marker and wrote on yourself...yet you're calling ME a mark?"
"1983-88 was THE period of wrestling. Think about it."
"Who is Scott Keith?”
"I have, on two different occaisions, Driven through Detroit... Without a doubt, the dirtiest, scariest, most run down city that I've ever been to. I couldn't wait to get the hell away from the Downtown area. The outskirts didn't seem to be quite so bad, but Downtown Detroit was the biggest dump that I've ever seen. And I've been to the Old Chicago International Ampitheater. That neighborhood was like Sesame Street compared to Detroit..."
"what if you learned how to spell and how to turn caps lock off?"
"I really wish euthanasia was legal."
"South Dakota wrestling fans, Wednesday night...Nutty's..9:30 pm. I'll be the guy in the button down red Evil Dead shirt."
"Robbie Williams = walking advert for contraception. He is only popular in the UK with stupid people who don't see that he is 110% hype and -110% talent. However, we have a lot of these...look at the Government (oo, satire...)."
"Sorry us internet rumor lovers aren't as pessimistic and perfect as yourself."
"Greetings, gadies and lentlemen. This is my first post, and it's not really related to anything wrestling. Unless you count the fact that I am a fan (much like the rest of you mugs and mugettes) and a pretty smart one to boot. No, I don't have any friends in the biz, which means no inside views or anything. Just my own damn opinion on stuff."
"I would have thought that "faggot asswipe' was a compliment when it was addressed in your direction you piece of f*cking shit."
"I can see no reason why 'my comedy' is anymore lame than your notion that Dusty Rhodes lives in Thailand"
"Love? Sorry... doesn't exist. They discontinued that 'roundabout 1950... wasn't marketable enough. What passes for love these days.. too painful, not rewarding enough. Find yerself a hooker.... cuz all dating and love is is legalized prostitution. You still have to pay for the same ends"
"To further the analogy, only Marks still believe love is real."
"One of the things I've always found amusing. Steve Borden owns a trademark on the name Sting. Gordon Sumner does not."
"Of course, you'll never read this...you're too busy jerking off to your Dynamite Kid tapes."
"HHH has added about two more 'H''s worth of mass since his pro debut, nearly 10 years ago."
"I'd like to fill a few holes of hers with manchowder."
"Bandwagon Patriot; Loving America since 9-11-01"
"Chris Benoit's arms are so short he can't even button his shirt."
"There's no comparing today's (or the 90's) choice of promotions with the 70s or the 60s. Or the 50s, for that matter. Here's to the survival and improvement of the TNA, ROH and many others. Diversity is a healthy, healthy thing."
"No one could tear this site apart. Its too well run. Plus they have me. the SILENT ENFORCER!!!"
"Ironically, Dick Slater also collected half of a bounty for crippling Ric Flair in the angle that led to Flair's Starrcade 1983 match with NWA champ Harley Race. Flair friend Bob Orton Jr. turned on the Nature Boy to collect the other half. Flair did recover from the injury and went on to some degree of success, as you might have heard."
"Silly gimmicks are better than 'Randy Orton'”
"the old Survivor Series format needs to come back. Basically, its what got me into wrestling. I kind of new who teh guys where, but i saw a WWF magazine that covered the 1989 Survivor Series (I think i was like 10 at the time) and i thought it was the neatest concept in the world. I mean we can see one on one or tag team matches 364 days out of the year. They can't take one day and give us elimination matches?"
"By 1987, Starrcade was 'larger and more established than WrestleMania'.--Only if you beleived Bill Apter"
"JR could call anywhere and still be the best there is. You're entitled to your own opinion, however misguided, but I can't belive that any wrestling fan would rather have anyone but Ross in the booth for a big match. I'm not even going to address the ridiculous comments about his accent....NORTHERN SCUM!"
"Northern scum? You are referring to the north of the US I suppose. And you read in his signature that Metal Jesus was from "Old Jersey". He was talking about Old Jersey not New Jersey. Old Jersey is in England, you toothless Southern idiot. By the way, the Civil War is over!"
"Ever been to Meridian Mississippi? Its about like Uganda, just with more goats."
That should do it...
Next week... I'll show up and that's all I'm prepared to promise at this time. Oh, and the Bat-Story sequel. It's half-way finished. It's GOOD. It also features, in a prominent role, my bird, Jake... who has become an alcoholic. I kid you not.
So, in closing... to sum up, in my life I have a drunk parrot, a drunk flea, and a really hot girl who still logs on every so often for a few minutes just to see if I'm around... DURING HER HONEYMOON!!!
This is Hyatte