The Midnight News
Hello Dawgs. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. I'm running very late with this... and Sean isn't around to bitch at me... so I'll just post it at my usual place and Sean will get to it when he gets to it... so don't be surprised if you see this thing posted around 4 pm or something.
I got Cyber Sunday and I got Impact and in the middle I've got other shit... so it's an assortment... in other words I PRODUCED... AGAIN.... AMAZING...
SPANK ME, DADDY
I... you know....
There was a WWE PPV last night... Cyber Sunday, which used to be Taboo Tuesday but no one bought it so off to Sundays... and the trick was that YOU, Joe Jabronie, got to vote for special stipulations on each match.
The PROBLEM was... that after the first year when fans really DID get to vote for EVERYTHING and the WWE didn’t like their choices... then after the SECOND year where fans voted for EVERYTHING but they carefully controlled what we SHOULD vote for... they decided to chuck it all together and ignore most of the votes anyway.
That’s right, I’m saying its a sham... more manipulated and downright IGNORED than the 2000 Presidential Election...
How do I know? Because last week on Raw they expected us to believe that more people wanted to see Cena beat up the Coach then have a match with Booker T or the Big Show... the Coach hasn’t done ANYTHING weasle-like or evil lately... but by God he’s a HEEL and Cena needs people who are hated more than he is... it was 100% rigged. I know it and you know it. There is NO WAY most people... who logically tune in to a wrestling show to see some WRESTLING, especially in the main event... are voting for some poor shnook... no way... I’m not buying it.
All rigged... so... let’s go over what happened... what I think SHOULD’VE happened... and how much control we, the audience, was really given...
-Jim Ross shouted that 14 MILLION people voted... or did 1 million people vote 14 times each? Or did one loser vote 14 million times? And was his name MIKE JOHNSON??? I vote YES
-Umaga vs... either Kane, Chris Benoit, or the Sandman
Who won? Kane, who lost to Umaga in seven minutes which would have gone 10 minutes but Kane kept giggling at the site of this crazy Island Boy yodeling like a headhunter from Gilligan’s Island
Who probably did win and why was it ignored: Benoit, who is the poster boy for the type of fans who would go to the WWE.com and vote and has been sorely missed, but no one wants Benoit to lose so early into his return and Umaga is being groomed. Meanwhile, the Sandman had no shot and everyone knows it.
Important PPV filler with the Big Show and Sharmell.
Cryme Tyme vs Viscera & Charlie Haas vs Cade & Murdoch vs The Highlanders in either a Texas Tornado, a Fatal Four Way, or a Tag Team Turmoil
What won?: Texas Tornado, which Cryme Tyme won while the other teams were like, “Wha... what happened to our push?”
What probably did win and why was it ignored: Now THIS match they probably allowed the fans to decide... because every option is more or less the same and the “Lovable G-Playas” (who are HILARIOUS, by the way) were gonna win no matter what. This is a SAFE gimmick to let the simpletons FANS decide on.
Later, either Cryme or Tyme (I’m amazed Keller hasn’t raised hell for the WWE portraying these two thugs as being illiterate) jacked Lawler’s laptop. Lawler laughed it off because they haven’t gone after his young girlfriend yet.
Shawn Michaels DISCOVERS THE INTERNET and asks Hunter if he had any IDEA just how much crap people say about him... then he Superkicks a few civilians to show how controversial he is. Meltzer called it “Hilarious”... Roger Ebert called it, “Why the hell am I waztching this bullshit?”
Jeff Hardy vs either Carlito, Johnny Nitro, or Sheldon Benjamin for the Inter-Continental Heavyweight Title
Who won?: Carlito, who failed in his bid and lost, and apparently brought his B-Game with him. He still kisses like a fag too.
What probably did win and why was it ignored: The black man! Benjamin needs to go to either Smackdown or ECW and get a MAJOR push... but he’s been diluted and treated like an afterthought for so long that Carlito probably did win. Either way there were no off-beat picks here... no dark horse for the fans to vote for... it’s an easy gimmee but they’ve invested a lot into Carlito and are still looking for a return.
DX came to the ring and killed MUCHO time doing so...
DX vs Edge and Randy Orton with the Special Referee being either Eric Bischoff, Jonathan Coachman, or Vince McMahon
Who won? Bischoff was voted the Ref and got to heel up and counted Hunter’s shoulders to Orton for the three count
What probably did win and why was it ignored: Again, it doesn’t MATTER... the gimmick for this match was so designed... three assholes who don’t care for DX, that it had no bearing on the finish whatsoever. Bischoff probably did win because the Coach is a non-factor and Vince vs DX is boring now. In FACT, I’m surprised they didn’t claim Bischoff barely squeaking by Vince by, like, 3 votes or something.
You didn’t pay to see The Marine, but you paid for this PPV, so by showing a clip from the movie, you sort of, in a way, DID pay for it... expect Linda McMahon to brag about this at the next shareholder’s teleconference.
Edge and Orton take off to party hard... and didn’t take Lita with them. I hope they make Lita deep throat Edge some more before the kick her away... just to make her suffer. They give Trish the greatest send-off in history and send Lita off skulking... LOVE IT.
Lita vs Mickie James for the Women’s Title in either a Submissions Match, a No DQ Match, or a Lumberjack Match
Who won? The Lumberjack Rules so the Divas got to watch Lita, who wrestled like she was auditioning for the role of “Mrs Glass” in Invincible II win the belt... which is either an exact replica of the belt Trish went home with or they told her to give the damn thing back! "You can have it again when you quit this retired nonsense and get your married-to-the-wrong-guy ass BACK HERE so we can squeeze MORE money out of you until you're too worn down to use anymore, missy!"
Probably made a replica...
If Mickie James is so great, how come everyone says this match had more blown spots than then the Annual Hyatte Bukakkee Christmas Party?? (December 16. BYO Oxycontin, boys)
What probably did win and why was it ignored: No, this was another easy rig. No DQ isn’t as special as it once was 500 years ago and the type of fan who would vote for chicks working a Submissions match wasn’t ABOUT to either vote for this or ORDER it... oh shit no, not when there are hours and hours of PURESO TAPES to re-watch over and over again then run to the Death Valley Driver message board to holler on about it.
The Spirit Squad are THISCLOSE to breaking up... and have been for a good 3 months now.
The Spirit Squad vs Ric Flair and either Sgt Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes, or Roddy Piper for the Tag Team Titles
Who Won? Piper, who helped Flair become another title holder for a couple of weeks by beating the cheerleaders.
What probably did win and why was it ignored: Rhodes. But Dusty is a heart attack waiting to happen for one... and for TWO, while Dusty spent the 80’s tryng hard to counter-program against Hulk-A-Mania, Piper was Vince’s chief Heel and first major “Tweener” and all around very “homegrown” star. Think old feelings die hard? Watch how they promote Piper’s upcoming DVD and try to recall how very little fanfair they gave Dusty’s DVD early this year... a commerical spot for a few weeks and that’s it. Slaughter has zero chance and everyone knows it.
Cena told Booker that he would work WITH him in exchange for a night with Sharmell... Booker got all huffy, until Sharmell left and then said, “Pimps up, biggie!”... Cena babyfaced up and said he was just jiving. Then Ron Simmons showed up, gave King Book a once over, said “damn” and that was it. Didn’t Farooq used to run around with a Roman gladiator helmet on?
John Cena vs King Booker vs the Big Show for either the WWF Championship, the World heavyweight Championship, or the ECW Championship
Who won? The Smackdown title, which Booker successfully defended with a assist from Kevin Federline
What probably did win and why was it ignored: Cena’s Raw title... or maybe not... but I’m thinking they made SURE the SD title was the one “elected” just to create the element of “Anything can happen with this whacky fan voting gimmick!”
But anyways, that was the show... which I didn’t see and have no plan on seeing until it comes to 24/7 in a few months...
And I doubt I missed much... and the voting is a ridiculous sham now... typical. This company... as obsenely profitable as it is... is fucking RIPE for the picking. All TNA needs is a fucking strong marketing campaign to get its name out there so I don’t read reports about how Jeff Jarrett runs into people who ask, “So what have you been up to since WCW folded?”
Some new stars would be nice too...
THE BIG SKIDMARK
Meanwhile, while they ain’t exactly growing new stars by the bushel (it’s how CM Punk’s gonna sneak right in)... the old stars are dropping like flies...
WAIT A SECOND... before I get into this, a disclaimer:
SICK, POINTLESS, REALLY GROSS CONTENT AHEAD
Okay then... Meanwhile, while they ain’t exactly growing new stars by the bushel (it’s how CM Punk’s gonna sneak right in)... the old stars are dropping like flies...
Latest on the list is Paul Wight, the Big Show... whose knees and back are... well, words that have been tossed around are “shot, destroyed, wrecked, ruined, agonizing, about to go”...
But Wight’s problems aren’t from taking bumps... not really, it’s from his weight.
You see the Show lumber about... and unless you’re watching old WCW/WWF tapes from 1996-2003, you don’t get a sense of just how much this guy has ballooned... now he’s to the point where someone, I believe it was that ol’ choadbucket Bryan Alvarez, said that he is now offically 520 pounds and SO fat that cardio work is IMPOSSIBLE... he can’t run or jog anymore...
HE’S A WRESTLER WHO CAN’T DO CARDIO!!! THAT’S AMAZING TO ME!!
But the Big Show’s weight is what’s making him call it quits in February with MAYBE sticking it out for 2 more months and grabbing a MONSTER WWE Payday by working Wrestlemania against Hogan...
And Meltzer says he isn’t “independentally wealthy”... which is mind BLOWING considering he’s been getting a million bucks a year since... forever... but in all fairness Meltzer might have just had a typo on that one...
ANYWAY... I know a little something about obesity... my Father was obese... in fact, he is pretty much the same body type as the Big Show... just about a foot smaller...
.... now listen, assholes... before you pipe up with some smart ass remarks... I happen to be in great shape... with regular, NORMAL eating habits and discipline and a fondness for regular visits to the gym... I just don’t brag about it like Dave Scherer does because I LIKE the fact that no one really knows shit about me and no one has ever seen a picture of me... (yeah, I said that knowing FULL WELL who’s reading and what they THINK they know... you really think I would trust anyone on this fucking web like that? You didn’t think I would test the waters to see what would happen before laying in that sort of trust? I’m the fucking Paranoid Hooligan)
I am in good shape because my fucking old man ATE all the good food before I could get to it. I had all the apples in the world because the god damn Ho Hos lasted about three days!!
Anyway... I watched my old man waddle around... a solid 320 pounds. And he worked hard every day, so he carried it well, just like the Show does... but... well, I know that the Show, being as heavy as he is... I know he’s dealing with some shit that is making his life miserable... (there is a pun there... wait and see)
See... umm... my Dad liked his beer... and there is no doubt in my mind that the Big Show likes his beer too... and his smokes... no impluse control with that guy...
and when you eat like a madman and guzzle beer by the keg... the plumbing gets... umm.... wet... and...
I will bet $5’000 of Flea’s money that the Big Show can’t reach his asshole to wipe... not all the way... not even close.
I will FURTHER bet that the Big Show, if he reaches as FAR AS POSSIBLE... can only graze the toilet paper past his sphinctor... not being able to fully reach the sludge.
And when he showers... well, he can’t turn around far either... no contortion there... and when he DOES get his arm around to that area, he’s got so much lard fighting him that his cheeks are forced shut... so the soap can’t even get in there! Anfd then the damn bar slips out of his hand and... well its a NIGHTMARE...
Plus you KNOW he farts a lot... big, sloppy, wet farts... there’s a reason he never wears anything but black
Now what girl is going to tonguefuck that? Oh Jesus, it took me years to figure out why my Mother was so frigid... that poor woman.
So while your watching the Big Show lumber around... with horrible knees that have supported his bulk for 35 years and a lower back that is being pulled inwards because of that gigantic belly... and those teeth which have scabs of yesterday’s 4 Big Macs still stuck in those hard to reach spots and those feet which are probably swelling because the blood isn’t reaching his lower extremities fast enough and the pecker that is BURIED under all that girth so its probably turtle shelling deep into his pelvis... while you’re watching all that, keep in mind that you’re probably looking at a guy with the smelliest, wettest, greasiest, browniest ass in ALL of wrestling... AND HE CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT...
Except lose weight of course... but by God those Big Macs are some TASTY fuckers!!
The poor bastard... just like my old man. YES, MY OLD MAN!
Oh, and he also has diabetes to look forward to... so there you go.
Now Jake Roberts, on the other hand, has no business being fat... but lo and behold, there he is... fat.
Why am I talking about Jake? Well, he was recently working a small Indy match in Toronto and... he pulled out his false teeth and gave them to the Referee to hold while he worked... which is hilarious on so many levels... and also heartbreaking...
It’s a reality check. You see, Jake Roberts is a very likeable guy... we, as fans WANT him to be the guy who held up the mid-card, be it as a Face or a Heel that we cheered anyway, in the 80’s. Promoters in the business WANT him to get it together... if he shown ANY sort of long-term responsibility and reliability, the WWE would hire him as a road agent/producer/WRITER in a SECOND... even when we saw him all cracked out and incoherent in that Beyond the Mat movie... or even as recently as on TNA a few weeks ago... we still rooted for him. In a way, because he’s always hiding or working quiet indy shows, we think of him as someone who is just in a spot of trouble but not that bad. Sure, Jake does crack... but its not THAT bad... just a little self-control and he’s back to normal...
But then he takes out his dentures and works toothless... probably sucking his lips in and out of his mouth... freaking out people... and you realize that Jake Roberts... the guy who everyone wants to root for... is... well, he really is a major league crack head... with all the duties and responsibilites that COME from being a crackhead...
I’m talking Chris Rock from New Jack City crackhead... I’m talking Sam Jackson from Jungle Fever crackhead... I’m talking your garden variety Arkansas Meth Addict crackhead...
I’m talking BIG TIME crack head...
Time for a reality check, one of our heroes has crashed below the sea level of rock bottom....
Has Jake Roberts smoked so much crack his teeth have fallen out? Yes
Has Jake Roberts woken up in jail? Probably
Has Jake Roberts woken up and wondered what happened to his snake? All signs point to yes.
Has Jake Roberts SOLD his snake for a bag of rock? I’m sure
Has Jake Roberts enjoyed the accommodations of many big city Crack dens? Oh sure.
Has Jake Roberts spent many hours wandering these crack dens all cracked out cutting promos to barely conscious neighbors? Safe bet there.
Has Jake Roberts robbed people blind for crack and or money for crack? Highly probable
Has Jake Roberts asked every memeber of his family and every old wrestling friend for a loan with some extremely elaborate story/excuse? Pretty much guarenteed
Has Jake Roberts gone weeks without showering or WIPING? Heh... damn skippy he has.
Has Jake Roberts sold away just about every belonging, piece of memorabilia he has. That’s a winner you can book
Has Jake Roberts crashed more cars than the entire Andretti family tree? Oh of COURSE
Has Jake Roberts fucked some NASTY crackhos while all cracked out? Probably married a few of them
Has Jake Roberts given head for crack? ..... err.... don’t doubt it.
Has Jake RECEIVED head or... even worse for crack? ... hrmmm.... you’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy
Has Jake Roberts ever woken up in a completely strange place with no recollection of how he got there and no clue how much time has gone by and completely naked? Well come ON... who hasn’t?
Does Jake Roberts have about 10 crackbabies running around? Probably more that he doesn’t even know of.
Is Jake Roberts a walking advertisement for what NOT to do for all the wrestlers out there? He better be!
This isn’t a necessarily FUNNY segment... I’m not laughing or joking... it’s a reality check which probably didn’t need to be said... but after hearing about how Jake is now gumming his food... all I can think of is his final words on his Pick Your Poison DVD...
I am not proud of my past, but I’m excited about my future
And the final words from Todd Grisham on Byte This just a week or so after the DVD came out...
And if Jake Roberts is watching, or if anyone knows where he is, could you please have him contact the WWE?
And that, my friends, is a cat who is on borrowed time. Jake died, he just is too high to lay down.
I'D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
Texas... F-around in Texas and you will pay.
But they'll be sure to FEED you before!
But where Texas goes, other soon followed and now its tough to find ANY state that doesn't ace your ass for pissing off John Q Lawmaker
I do this from time to time... list some recent folks who recently rode the electric high horse courtesy of the Goverment and look at what they had for a final meal... and mock them for it because... well, what are they goinna do? HAUNT ME??? Sheeit, I can use the company...
01) Prisoner #778682... CLARENCE RAY ALLEN killed 01/16/2006 (California) for ordering the execution of three prisoners while doing a life term in Folsom prison: buffalo steak, a bucket of KFC white-meat-only chicken, sugar-free pecan pie, sugar-free black walnut ice cream, Indian pan-fried bread and whole milk. The ice cream was left out one hour to thaw, and Allen turned it into a milkshake by hand.(Ol' Clarence was 76 years old, legally blind, in a WHEELCHAIR, had Diabetes and a chronic heart ailment when he was killed. I'm sure he died smiling.
I like that he avoided the sugart because he didn't want to go into a diabetic coma before they killed him. I also like that he ordered KFC WHITE meat... because clearly, he was sick of all the dark meat that fills up the prisons.
He shook the ice cream until it became a milkshake! Now that's a guy who's been jacking off for a loooong looong time... HAHAHAHAA WHAT HAND STRENGTH!! HAHAHAHAHAHA IRON LIKE GRIP! BWAHAHAHAHA)
02) Prisoner #976... PERRIE DYON SIMPSON killed 01/22/2006 (North Carolina) for the beating death of a 92 year old retired minister: A McRib sandwich from McDonald's, a double cheeseburger from Wendy's, macaroni and cheese, cheesecake and a Pepsi. (What? No love for Burger King? No love for Taco Bell? I wonder if he timed it so his execution would go down during the McDonald's McRib sale... because Mickey Dee doesn't make thosre things year round. If I was on death row, I'd request the McDLT... back in the later 80's, it was an AWESOME sandwich served on a long box with the HOT meat in one half and the COOL veggies, mayo, ketchup on the other. You then put them together and chow down... see, the HOT STAYS HOT AND THE COOL STAYS COOL AND DEAR GOD I WOULD MURDER YOUR MOTHER IF THEY WOULD BRING THAT BACK!!!
Jesus H... those dogs were TASTY)
03) Prisoner #455 ... MARVIN BIEGHLER killed 01/26/2006 (Indiana) for murdering a man and his pregnant wife inside their home: Shrimp, mushrooms and deep-fried onions appetizers, New York strip steak, a chicken breast, baked potato, salad, and 7-Up soft drink. (Clearly, Marvin missed his Applebees... and why not? It's a GREAT place to eat after a long day of commiting felonious namby pamby.
04) Prisoner #833478... GLENN L. BENNER II killed 02/07/2006 (Ohio) for raping and killing of two women: four bacon cheeseburgers on toasted buns, with green peppers, tomatoes, pickles, ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise; a baked potato with butter and sour cream; french fries; onion rings; macaroni and cheese; chef salad with creamy Italian dressing; blueberry pie with chocolate ice cream; iced tea; and a Coke. (Now Glenn knows what's what! Look at that line-up. I hear that half-faggy Bobby Flay ((you know, the dude who will show up on as many Food Network shows as possible until he becomes as beloved as Emiril Lagasse... even though he is PROFONDLY unlikeable and comes across as a bit of a turd??)) was particularly pleased te hear of Benner's death... "Any asshole who mixes chocolate ice cream with BLUEBERRY pie SHOULD be put to death", Flay was reported to say. Man's got a point, too.)
05) Prisoner #546... TOMMIE HUGHES killed 03/15/2006 (Texas) for killing a 25 year old girl: six pieces of fried chicken with hot sauce, six jalapeno peppers, extra large frence fries with ketchup and salt, for buttered rolls or biscuits, two large sprites and two cigarettes (menthol preferred). (Hot sauce, Jalapeno peppers, supersized fries, rolls... obviously, Tommie knew he wasn't going to be around for what might have been the most agonizing shit of his life... and fuck lung cancer too)
06) Prisoner #657... ROBERT SALAZAR JR. killed 03/22/2006 (Texas) for the beating death of a two year old girl: a dozen tamales, six brownies, refried beans with chorizo, two rollo candies, six hard shell tacos with lettuce, three big red sodas, ketchup, hot sauce, six jalapeno peppers, tomatoes, cheese, and extra ground beef. (Heh... Roberto couldn't go to the Cantina, so he HAD THE CANTINA BROUGHT TO HIM!! I can just see a huge buffet table set up in his little cell with all his requested ingredients layed out in front of him! With that sterotypical Mexican Salsa music playing.... whipping up brownie and beef tacos up! "OLA LE!! LA CUCHARACHA, LA CUCHARACHA!! IYIYIYIYIYIIIII MARIJUANA QUE FUNAAAAAA" You GO, ESE!!
07) Prisoner #890... WILLIE BROWN, JR. killed 04/21/2006 (North Carolina) murdering a woman at a Zip Mart: a well-done T-bone steak, rice, four rolls with butter and a piece German chocolate cake. (I heard the guards screwed with him and had the steak cooked rare... Willie refused to let the excuted happen until he had it cooked to his ORDER!
I also hear Willie was gassed... which was why he ordered the GERMAN chocolate cake. "When in motherfuckin' Rome..." Heh... HAHAHAHA... THE WIT!!! THE GREATEST WIT ONLINE IS LANQUISHING ON AN INDY WRESTLING WEB SITE!!! GOD, SOMEONE PUT ME IN THE CHAMBER NEXT TO WILLIE!!)
08) Prisoner #6543343... DEXTER LEE VINSON killed 04/27/2006 (Virginia) for abducting and killing a former girlfriend: Vinson requested that his last meal not be released to the public. (Dexter will NOT be a statistic for sickos who track last meals... Dexter is a HUMAN BEING!! PRICK HIM, DOES HE NOT BLEED!!)
09) Prisoner #034035... JERMANIE HERRON killed 05/17/2006 (Texas) for murder of a woman and her son: sirloin steak, spicy worcestershire sauce, a bacon cheeseburger w/ten slices of bacon, onion rings and fries w/cheese, french dressing, a butterfinger blizzard w/carmel, pecan pie, vanilla ice cream and peach cobbler. (Another one who knows how to take advantage of the rules! I never personally understood the Dairy Queen hype... their ice cream is soft... therefore 90% air... so you fill up on NOTHING... great scam for the soft ice cream vendors but a complete rip-off for the consumers.)
10) Prisoner #1 ... ROBERT DALE CONKLIN killed 07/05/2005 (Georgia) for the killing and dismembering of his GAY lover: a filet mignon wrapped with bacon; de-veined shrimp sautéed in garlic butter with lemon; baked potato with butter, sour cream, chives and real bacon bits; corn on the cob; asparagus with hollandaise sauce; French bread with butter; goat cheese; cantaloupe; apple pie; vanilla bean ice cream and iced tea. Prison officials said he ate the entire meal, cleaning two plates. (And... ya know... this is EXACTLY the sort of detailed, unusual meal a gay guy would order too. Ol' Bobby didn't break ANY taboos before he checked out.)
11) Prisoner #0908765... DONALD BEARDSLEE killed 01/19/2005 (California) for murder of two women: refused a special final meal. He was offered the same meal as other inmates of chili, macaroni, mixed vegetables, salad and cake, which he declined. His only request was for a glass of grapefruit juice earlier in the afternoon. (Chili... macaroni... veggies... CAKE... Jeeze, that's honestly not a bad menu... those convicts eat pretty gosh darn good)
And in closing, I'd like to say... don't do drugs.... and stay away from murdering girls.... and if you are referred to by three names at all times, or have a Jr. attached to your name... then odds are you're either in jail, on your way to jail, or are doing something that's gonna PUT YOU IN JAIL...
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
I have my Diner's Club card in case someone's being an asshole, but for the rest of the time, its the old saying: "In God we trust, all others pay cash!"
Flea: sometimes he stays on AIM all night to take questions from his adoring fan(s)
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*95% of people hit by a lightening bolt survive*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
He probably looks younger than most of you.
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Oh sure, why not!
-show opens with a recap from that "outside the ring and everyone needs to get in and the first seven then advance to a tournament where the top three then go into a three way and the winner gets a title shot at Sting" Battle Royal which was SO complicated that the black dude who normally voices these things (you think he wears that African hat in the production booth? Does he wear that Mumu too?) didn't bother showing up to explain this, "Fuck d'at, ni%$a ain't getting PAID enough to 'splain this bollsheeit")
-a more PROPER name for this gimmick should be, "Russo Fixes What Ain't Broke: Version 2006"
-We also see "Angle/Joe Pullapart SAVE IT FOR THE PPV brawl"... Chapter 3
-Iron Mike Martiney (and you better STIR that bastard... Ol' Mike ain't ever gonna be confused with James Bond, yo... he can't even pass for Q) and Don West (Looking like he should be selling Ford F-150s in Dubuque, Iowa... "and for an extra few bucks a month, we can SIMONIZE that fucker!" talk up the evening's festivities. Tenay is in a tuxedo.... waiting for the day when pro rasslin' returns to the days when shows were held in a smokey arena filled with upper-middle class white men in suits and fedoras... THE WAY THINGS OUGHT TO BE!! CARRY THAT TORCH, MIKE... YOU CARRY THAT TORCH!!! and West is in a dress shirt and tie... sleeves NOT rolled up: "Now lemme tell you about LOJACK!"
-We are told that some shit went down before the show started... because the thirst for competition just CAN NOT WAIT for the cameras to roll....
-We see Christy Hemme (she still letting Joey Mercury pork her coochie?) with Lita's hair and Trish's facial expressions (word on the street is that Trish's latest facial expression is her newly created, "I married THIS??") interview Chris Sabin. Sabin does what many, many women have done over the years and pissed all over Jerry Lynn (to which, any and all new viewers to TNA who weren't watching in 2003, 2004, and 2005 said, "WHO???" Hell, I damn near said WHO?? How about a little something us marks with an IQ over 100 would call RE-INTRODUCTION, boys!! Don't just THROW a name out there as if we ALL remember him. Jesus.) Which made AJ Styles charge out and remind Sabin that Jerry Lynn is a LEGEND who PAVED THE WAY... and BUILT the X-Division with his BARE HANDS... Oh please... he helped build the ring for a few bucks but that's about it... and get a haircut too, you old hippie.
-Sabin and Styles fought... Hemme screamed. Read about her near fatal experience on her MySpace space... and be her BUDDY!
-Meanwhile, sometime last week I spent about 10 minutes telling April Hunter that I do NOT have a MySpace account... and she is convinced I was WORKING her... anyone who knows me knows I'm not into anything that could reveal a damn thing about me... I only mention this to toss in the fact that I'm STILL talking to April Hunter over the phone from time to time... it's a refreshing change of pace for me. Nice girl too... I blatantly flirt with her and she blatantly no-sells it.
-THEN, AJ Styles did his own interview with Hemme and said that Sabin needs to be taught a lesson in RESPECT... then Kevin Nash popped in and said, "You know, first off, lemme tell ya something, he could stand a few pointers in the PROMO department too... I almost ruined my career by putting him over!" Then he wiped his brow and added, "Whew, thank God I injured my neck JUST IN TIME to dodge that bullet." I love Nash. Styles stared at him a second then challenged Sabin to a match...
-So they wrestled RIGHT THERE AND THEN!! BOOKING ON THE FLY!!! Which is what Raw seems to be doing every week, WITHOUT overpaid writers.
-This EMERGENCY-CAN'T-HOLD-BACK-THEIR-ANGER-MUST-FIGHT-NOW-NOW-NOW match was also a "Fight for The Right" tournament match... which means it was planned all along... ANOTHER RUSSO SWERVE!! HE HASN'T MISSED A BEAT, THAT MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!
-This being the "Fight for the Right" match, Sabin got on the mic and said, "Jerry Lynn caught me smoking man, he said, NO WAY!!" He then paused and said, "That hypocrite smokes two packs a DAY!" Styles just gawked at him and said, "Why aren't I in the main event title picture? I've been here since day 1... WHY AM I STILL FUCKING AROUND IN THE X-DIVISION???"
-It was your typical, standard, if-you-tried-these-moves-in-real-life-you'd-be-in-goddam-jail-for-manslaughter, spotfest... and it lasted a grand 6 minutes... and I think Sabin is on the pot.
-And Styles won.. and won the X-Division title... and he celebrated. I SWEAR I heard him say, "Just when I thought I was out, they booked me back IN!!"
-Chris Sabin was X-Division champ for all of two weeks (TV time), with no fanfair... YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CAN'T HOLD YOUR OWN WITH KEVIN NASH?!?!?!?!
-Somewhere in there Sabin went heel... which means Sonjay Dutt gets a NEW BODY to lay down for.... wait, that didn't sound right...
-Christy Hemme promises all sorts of former WWE stars showing up tonight. I still miss Goldylocks.
-Sting can't bother to actually show up tonight... but he DID let them videotape him talking about how Jeff Jarrett changed BEFORE HIS VERY EYES DURING THEIR MATCH (because... you know... a BabyFace Jeff Jarrett is what we ALL demanded... we WANT to cheer him, so badly!)... but he still had to take care of the CANCER that was TNA so he went all radioactive and CHEMOED Jarrett's CANCEROUS ass back to Tennessee.... there is no more MALIGNANCE in TNA... and TUMOR-ROW is a new day... I'm not sure I am picking up on the foreshadowing here.
-then Sting went quiet for a good five minutes, then after someone off-camera assured him that the money has been deposited, finished by saying "NO MORE CANCER!!" He will now defend the belt with "honor, dignity, truthfullness, re..." (to someone off-camera) "did they have my Rolls detailed? ARE YOU SURE? Show me the receipt" (another 5 minute wait) "good, now peel me some grapes, Dixie... NOW." (nodding approvingly) "RESPECT." Then he went all P-Diddy on us and thanks God, the Creator. "For without him I am NOTHING!"... God and facepaint... and desperate money marks... and Ric Flair.... and Vader, for that matter.
-Jeremy Borash (who's tongue had no problems re-aquainting itself with Vince Russo's tuckus!) interviewed Ron Killings and Lance Hoyt. A Down home country-boy and a street gangsta agreed to stay friends even though they were about to wrestle each other in a "Fight for the Right" bracket match that no one on the planet would give Hoyt a shot at winning (Killings... maybe... all depends on how guilty TNA feels about slavery... they seem to go up and down with their guilt on any given month). Meanwhile, only idiot web writers watch a black street thug and a red neck inbred Texan pretend to be good friends and openly wonder just who TNA is trying to fool here. This is about as believable as Kelly Kelly throwing herself at CM Punk while her boyfriend Mike Knox yanks her away and its not crossing ANYONE'S MIND to explain why she doesn't just break up with the guy! (I mean, COME ON, PEOPLE!! ITS SO STUPID!! WHY IS SHE STILL HIS GIRLFRIEND IF SHE WANTS SOMEONE ELSE???)
-I mean really... it's like marrying a guy yet going online during your honeymoon to see if option #2 is around... IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE
-Hoyt comes out. Killings comes up. Fans sing along and scream, "WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP!" (Umm... the ceiling?)
-West says Hoyt is the "underdog story of TNA"... don't people have to CARE about him in order for that to be true?
-Hoyt out muscled Killings. Killings out-blacked Hoyt. Tenay openly wondered if Sting can resist the TEMPTATION of being a champion and the POWER that it brings. I'm sure he'll fight off those demons while relaxing poolside at home 9 months out of the year.
-"THE TNA WORLD TITLE IS A DANGEROUS SEDUCTRESS", warned Tenay. I liken it more to a third level rat that the Smackdown curtain jerkers run-over themselves to hit on while the main eventers dare Cena to take back to the hotel room.
-Killings won in three minutes... must've got serious and shanked him behind the referee's back. He was about to ask the crowd what was UP again when...
-Jesse James and Kip Buttpirate charge out. Jesse muttered something to Killings, then shook his hand gangsta style... then grabbed the mic and had the balls to claim that Triple H and... Shawn Michaels? (who was long gone before they brought these knuckleheads into DX) needed THEM to put DX over... I think... he was very vague... MAYBE HE MEANT CHYNA????
-Then Jesse James (who hasn't missed a single meal since 2002, by God) chastised TNA for not marketing 3 Live Krew (Probably because the redneck in that Krew ran around acting like a black latino in a whitebread, puffy OLD body!)... and said that since the Old Age Outlaws were being IGNORED by the MAN... (uhh?) They were going to QUIT! Then whipped around to face the crowd and said, "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CHEER THAT, ASSHOLES!!"
-Kip James then grabbed the mic to risk a lawsuit by stealing the WWE's intellectual property but Russo cut the mic... twice... THIS ISN'T A WORK!! THIS IS REAL, DAMMIT! Ahh Russo... we've missed ye.
-commercials... coming soon, the dreaded push we've all been not waiting for... "Screamin' Norman Smiley: This Time It's Gonna WORK! (part 15)"
-I LOVE how on one side, Jesse James can't understand why 3 Live Krew wasn't booked as the greatest gimmick team EVAH while, on the other side, Konan is refusing to give his hip a well-needed rest because he wants LAX to be his TNA legacy and NOT 3 Live Krew. Konan is ashamed of the Krew while James is demanding they put the team in the Hall of Fame... meanwhile, Killings is letting the light skinned boys argue it out.
-Robert Roode walks out with Tracey Brooks... I am fascinated with his hair for some reason. And that's about it.
-Christopher Daniels comes out. I am fascinated with his neck for some reason. And that's about it.
-Tneay says that Robert Roode has taken Wall Street BY STORM... they don't know what to make out of this "Corporate Wrestler"... (well, they ain't making MONEY off of him... that's for sure... POW... ZIP!! HOO!!! heh heh HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA TEN YEARS AND HYATTE AIN'T MISSED A STEP!!! I AM FUCKING HYATTE!! FEAR THE WIT!)
-Through a combination of frequent Tracy Brooks interference, Referee ignorance, and munching the leaves off a nearby tree, Chris "The Human Giraffe" Daniels, finds himself pinned by Robert "By God we're gonna make SOMEBODY a star" Roode and Roode advances... oh yeah, this was a "Fight for the Right" match too. Join us in a month when Russo creates the "Sabotage" Tournament followed by the "Old White Jews from New York who have lasted an UnGodly long amount of time in the rap genre and one of them even got into Ione Sky's knickers" Tournament.
-Somewhere towards the end AJ Styles arrived too late to help Daniels... which angered Daniels. Which means A: Another Chapter in their "Best Friends, Better Enemies" Feud is on its way and B: Chris Sabin was walking around backstage screaming to anyone who would listen "WAIT... HOLD UP... WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO MY PUSH? JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH! AND WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE KEEP JAY LETHAL AWAY FROM MY STASH, PLEASE!!"
-Christie Hemme promised us TNA KNOCKOUT STRIP POKER... then said, "HA! Psyche! More rasslin' on its way!"
-Christian Cage was ATTACKED by Rhyno from behind to start off their Four Corners Weapons of DEATH match where... umm... they get to... umm... well they have a barbed wirte cage match at the next PPV and... umm... nope, I don't get it. Suddenly, I long for the old Viagra on a Pole match... at least that one was easy to figure out.
-So they have their match... and Rhyno... I don't know WHY I caught this... but he worked with a blank face. Just punching in, doing his work, and punching out face. No emotion... no sellings... call the spots, take the bumps... grunt a bit... sell a little, then get back to it... but it's your standard House Show no cameras expression... by the numbers. And since I'm spending all these words on this you can kind of tell that I HATE IT WHEN WRESTLERS PUT ON THIS FACE.
-No one knows who won... but there was a run in and someone did go through a table... not Christian, he was put in a Straightjacket. Oh let's just PRAY David Arquette is working steadily... because I can SEE the future and the future is STUNT CASTING
-Then we get a Kurt Angle/Samoa Joe video where Angle does pec work and Joe does sparring... which makes total sense because Angle can't spar... why spar when he can get crippled on PPV and become a LEGEND and Joe... well... umm... the only time you'll see Joe lift something is if there are donuts underneath! BOOYAA
-We get a recap of the last hour... precious 3 minutes that could've been used for the something important... like SHARK BOY VS ELIX SKIPPER!!
-The show ends
One good thing about the Russo Era (redux X 3)... is that we are no longer subjected to Scotty D'Amore's "I'll book myself and my friends and fuck the audience if they don't like it” machinations! Man... what an asshole.
One BAD thing about the Russo Era (redux X 3)... is that we are mere weeks away from the return of ALAN "Wrestling has ruined my life but by Christ I'm still hacking away" FUNK... the unluckiest wrestler ALIVE... it pays to be friends with Vi-Ru
-OH... and somewhere in there Eric Young popped up and got all cryptic with Boreass about Jeff Jarrett.
and I'm going to wrap things up here. No more... enough... finito
Next week... who knows... I'll put together something... I always do, except for the times I don't... lots of those times... lots and lots.
This is Hyatte