The Midnight News I hope you end up being happy with your decision whatever it might be in a few weeks. I've been reading you since scoops and I cannot thank you enough for the last DECADE of entertainment. every week on monday or tuesday i check out DOI for your columnthis being the only time I visit this site. And going back in the day I would read you midnight news every day when you did it that much. I even stayed with you at scoopthis when you were the only person there... 2 of the sites you were at I literaly visited only to read you. So again THANKYOU for all the effort over the last decade.
P.S. what was the thing mentioned earlier about AAT: Howard Stern? that sounds real cool.
Thanks Paul. I don't want to get into that Stern thing again... let's just say it would've been SPECTACULAR had I written it.
Hyatte, And all this time I thought the countdown was for when you would give us the true, inside scoop on Inside Pulse and your falling out. Especially the deals with Lucard and Gloomchen. Well, you can STILL do that... As for keeping it up? Don't. If you have to question it, it means you don't want to. And what more do you have to prove, other than you still have the ol' Hyatte wit (I mean, "Na'cho cheese", HA!)? Just do Midnight News when you feel like it. Actually, with your Hyattuses, that's not too far off from how you do it now! Just 2 cents from someone who still remembers Scoops. Since time hasn't. Eeesh.
There is no "real" scoop on Inside Pulse. I left because I didn't feel we were getting new readers and I wanted new readers. Gloomchen and I are square now (I think) and Alex Lucard was and is nothing to me. Just another dipshit who couldn't believe I had an audience.
That last sentence was cold, man... cold but true.
Just wanted to add my well-wishes if you're calling it a day on the column. Been reading you since 411 and I've always enjoyed your work. Thanks for always being unfiltered. You definitely got the chops, hope you get to use them in whatever you do in the future.
Hey- I enjoy reading your column, but wanted to clarify something. I was at the Raw house show in Knoxville, TN (don’t laugh I just moved here). Ass-man was 4 feet in front of me, and The Roadie was 20 feet in front of me during the HHH vs Orton intro. They got no reaction, or attention from HHH. None. They even went to the other side of the arena to try to get his attention, and all they got was a gaggle of 12 year olds following them around asking for their autographs. I did get a middle finger out of Kip for calling him Ass-man though. I took this picture right after.
And I took this picture before security told them to move because they were blocking the aisle.
I hope these pics are as funny to you as they were for me when I took them. Look at the grey hair on Kip, and the beer gut on BG! All in all, I hope Russo puts TNA in the grave alongside WCW. Thanks for the great site, and The Midnight News.
AHA!! I THOUGHT it was a little hinky the way TNA bragged about HHH "saluting" the "Invaders"... he probably STILL doesn't know that they were there. That damn Russo! Always working the net!!
Hello Spunkheads. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Still haven't figured out what I'm doing yet, but I'm getting close. A few things have to go down first. Thanks for the support and thanks to all you PUSSIES who are all big and bad about me on the message boards but can't send me a trash talking hate letter. YOU THINK I LIKE POSTING LOVE LETTERS???
Another BIG thanks to Matt who sent me a Amazon $50 gift certificate as thanks for the years of service! I spent the money on nothing but books, m'man! Thank you very much. It's nice to RECEIVE rather than GIVE once in a while...
ANYWAY... I have some reviews, some hilarity, and a surprise at the end... but I'm running late already so let's waste no time... off we go...
TO EVERY FAN,TURN(ING POINT), TURN(ING POINT), TURN(ING POINT). THERE IS A PAY PER VIEW, TURN(ING POINT), TURN(ING POINT), TURN(ING POINT).
I couldn't watch this... too many PPVs... wore me out. Since I'm pretty much done with WWE PPVs other than the big two, I'll probably be supporting TNA more often then not... but getting three within the last month is WAAAAY over-doing it... I have a Vividvideo.com membership to keep up on, ya' know!
But after reading a bunch of reviews, I think I have a handle on what happened... soooooo
Turning Point: The Poem
It's December the tenth, nearing Christmas you say...
Forget about presents, by our show screamed Mike Tenay
Don West was there too, all sweaty and hoarse
Imagine him on top of his wife, that's grounds for divorce
They start with the X-Division All Stars. Five Guys making a splash
Senshi won, but still overshadowed by the great Kevin Nash
You can be really hot, a regular supernova
But if your in an angle with Nash, he just ain't putting you over.
Eric Young said Tracey Brooks would get naked, he swore that was true
Jeremy Borash was there. I demand to know who he blew
Brooks looked tight, hot with titties very fake
Will someone throw Bobby Roode out of the business, for Goodness sake!
Then we had hijinks from Road Dogg and the Ass
Tough talk from a fatso, and a guy who Benoit made run out of gas.
Next Chris Daniels fought Sabin, with Jerry Lynn earning a check
Sabin lost and Lynn slapped the guy with the freaky neck
It's all about honor, X-Division style
When it comes to Russo's booking, you can see the swerves from mile
Jim Cornette did a bit with someone from the White Sox
Too bad its football, that really hardens our cocks
AJ Styles fought Rhino, part man- part beast
Rhino's one greasy looking motherfucka, to say the very least
It's an all-out brawl, crazy stunts vs brawn
Problem is Rhino has never stopped making me yawn
Styles won, of course, he's the new face
Once in L.A., Rhino's wife squirted him with mace!
A fake Vince McMahon was strutting around the back
If Russo thinks anyone cares, then he never got off the crack
LAX fought America's Most Wanted, who's name is all lies
Why doesn't Konan use dental floss to blindfold Gail Kim's eyes?
LAX won, of course, their gimmick is hot
AMW teased a breakup, does anyone care? I think NOT!
Jesse Ass and Billy Dogg challenged DX to a match
These two morons never met a clue they could catch.
Russo thinks this will get them over, there is no doubt
How much coke do you think Jesse James has jammed up that inbred snout?
Abyss vs Christian vs Sting, for the title belt is up now.
Man, if Abyss's titties were any bigger, he could be milked like a cow.
Tyson Tomko gave Sting some hell!
Sting is contracted to wrestle matches, but he isn't getting paid to sell
Christian worked hard, he has something to prove.
But sadly, Vince keeping him at midcard seems to have been the smart move.
Abyss is all gimmick, stolen from Kane
He supposed to be a monster, but has a permed out faggy mane.
Thumbtacks were used, Abyss ate a lot
When Borash pulls his dick out of James Mitchell, does Mitchell blow a fart?
Okay, that's one was weak. I admit it with shame
The sad part is that the rest of this column will be equally as lame.
Abyss pinned Sting, and is still the champ
When I talk to Stratus online, I yank my crank until I cramp.
Weaker than the rest, I'm shooting a giant blank
Angle and Joe is up next, a lot of money in this cripple, TNA have sank
Angle and Joe gave us 20 minutes of Ankle Locking fury
Will Kurt die in the ring, still out is that jury.
A Rear Naked Choke was what made Angle lose
I'm a much better writer when I have my muse
We think Angle went heel, it's where he's at his best
I still think its hilarious that Joe has two jiggly lumps on his chest.
So that's Turning Point, recapped in verse
And next week's another one, so gets your momma to open her purse.
I'm all done now, time to move ahead
The rest of the column is like Eddie Guerrero, pretty much dead
GOING DOWN IN FLAMES, GOING DOWN IN EXTREEEEEEEME FLAMES!!
To give credit where credit is due, all those ECW fans from way back DID predict that this would end up a disaster.
Paul Heyman, having had enough of being forced to pretend that the ECW legacy was being handled properly by the WWE, gave the McMahons a piece of his mind and was sent home. It's like a father being forced to play nice with his only daughter even though she turned into a gay Jewish Terrorist Leader brainwashed by some cult leader. The man could only stand so much.
And now ECW is only hanging on because they paid Sci-Fi for the spot on their schedule until this time next year. Kurt Angle is GONE, the Big Show will rest up for one last match with Hulk Hogan in Detriot, Juiced-Up musclehead Bobby Lashley is the champion, juiced-up musclehead Test is the primary heel, Sabu is shooting up right in friont of Linda McMahon in his bid to get fired, RVD is already working out his first match with AJ Styles, CM Punk is just waiting for the excuse to be shipped to Smackdown and the Sandman shows up every day in a shirt and tie and a big smile.
And the WWE thinks that ECW's problem is that people forget its a WWE show... I CAN'T figure that one out...
So... so yeah, ECW is going to fade quiet-like. You can see it coming. One second they are there and the next, they are wiped off the history books. "ECW? What's that? Never heard of it!" Vince will sweep this quietly under the rug and forget that he failed at the relaunch... or blame everyone but himself.... and tears from the old school fans will flow and flow FREELY...
But, you know what... I'm not going to take my customary accusatory stance here... but I will say that it didn't have to be like this. After doing a bit of thinking, I have come to the conclusion that there WAS a way to make ECW a thriving company WITHOUT Vince McMahon owning it.
And that's where I blame you assholes.
When did ECW shut down? 2001... because Heyman couldn't pay for it anymore. After seven years of Extreme he ran out of money. The WWF and WCW bought all his stars, sure, but Heyman kept making new ones. That wasn't the problem.
The problem was you long time ECW fans... the ones who openly SOB about how McMahon ruined the legacy... you idiots didn't pay pay Heyman enough money. You didn't help him turn a profit. You didn't get the word out, called for a grassroots campaign, didn't show up to his shows if he charged you more money, didn't buy enough videos or DVDs or t-shirts. Didn't buy the PPVs. You let someone else do it... and not enough of them did.
It all came down to money. Money, money, money, and you didn't give Heyman enough of it. He went broke catering to you.
How did I come to this theory (more so than an actual conclusion, but logic dictates that if Heyman turned a profit, YOUR ECW would still be around, alive, and vital today... right now... under HIS vision, not the WWE's.)? Well, there are two things. And the first involves the biggest scumwad on the Internet today: Dave Scherer.
Dave Scherer used to be the primary Internet force behind ECW. He got into EVERY show for free, did net work for the company, provided in-person live show results, and got to hang out backstage with the boys. He was TIGHT with them... and was COMPED the whole way through... didn't give a dime to Heyman.
And when they folded, and the WWE took over... he was shown the door and never allowed back in without buying a ticket first.
Is he bitter about it? Not really. He used that to get himself over as "The Most Hated Reporter in the WWE". Ohhhh, Vince hates his GUTS, says Dave... because Dave TELLS IT LIKE IT IS... OBJECTIVELY... WITHOUT PREDJUDICE...
Anyway, the following is Dave Scherer's "take" on last week's December to Remember. He starts off fondly remembering the good ol' (FREE) days, then goes off on what ECW has become. Rather than make you think about what the underlying theme (ie: Dave's REAL reason for being so pissed), I have bolded the parts where Scherer's REAL anger lies....
... and, as usual with this jerk... as you will see... he just POUNDED the point home...
LOOKING AT A "VINCE RIPPED OFF THE FANS" EDITION OF ECW'S DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER PPV
by Dave Scherer @ 11:39:00 AM on 12/4/2006
On August 27, 1994, what was then known as Eastern Championship Wrestling hosted a tournament for the vacant NWA World Title. All throughout the evening, the fans in attendance chanted "Flair is Dead" as they saw great match after great match. The significance of the chant stemmed from the fact that the WWF product was really bad at that time. WCW, which had been the land of Ric Flair and great matches in the preceding years, had become every bit as bad as the WWF, with ridiculously stupid storylines and poor work. By the early 1990s, good in-ring wrestling was almost impossible to find in the US.
That changed when Tod Gordon and Paul Heyman began collaborating in the fall of 1993. The company had picked up a lot of momentum throughout 1994 based on the strength of the some of the most amazing shows I have ever seen, all in a converted Bingo Hall in South Philadelphia. There wasn't any glitter or pyro. No corporate office or 20 person writing staff. What there was, however, were people that loved the business sharing their passion with an adoring fan base. And ECW was born, the real ECW.
In 1994, Gordon and Heyman were a member of the NWA, but not really a part of it. By that time, the NWA was a joke and an organization largely in name only, given the fact that it was a group of small promotions that ran shows before very small crowds. People were trying to keep the once-storied promotional alliance alive, but it was clearly on life support.
The NWA wanted to have a title tournament to crown a new champion and the only place they could get a good building and TV for it was with ECW in Philadelphia. Gordon and Heyman didn't really want to be a part of it, but agreed to host it and the tournament took place in Philadelphia.
The night ended when Shane Douglas won the vacant championship and then threw down the NWA title while making one of the most memorable speeches in wrestling history. In the ashes of the NWA Title rose Extreme Championship Wrestling and a new company was born. "Flair" was dead, but ECW rose from the ashes. What followed was a memorable run of top quality wrestling action, which ended when Heyman just didn't have the money that it took to compete with the big boys. Vince McMahon picked up the assets of the company from the bankruptcy court in 2001, and the rest of the story you all know. And then, on December 3, 2006, the story changed, for the final time.
Last night in Augusta, GA, ECW joined "Flair" on the deceased list. Whatever was left of the once-proud promotion was destroyed by people who often carry an oxymoronic title, WWE creative. Whatever was left of ECW died last night, and it will never return. The blood falls squarely on the hands of Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon-Levesque and Kevin Dunn. They, very obviously, set up the brand to fail last night and that it did. For 40 dollars, we got a lackluster episode of the now-canceled Velocity.
As if giving us one of the worst PPVs in history wasn't bad enough, as if almost blatantly stealing forty dollars out of our pockets didn't make them sneer at what's left of a once proud fan base didn't excite them to no end, they flipped us the finger on the way out the door by ending the show a half hour early. "Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya" was clearly the message that they sent. The only positive thing about that was that the event was so God awful that you could make a case that it was almost merciful to end it early. That's how bad it was.
I could go one and on about this but frankly, I don't want to get myself worked up again. If you are an Elite member, you can listen to the post game show that Mike and I did last night, where the venom was flowing freely. It's just not worth it to go down that road again.
Luckily, I wrote the rest of this column as the show happened, so I don't have to relive it again now. On to the matches:
The opener was a solid bout but I was shocked that they opened with one of the two announced matches. Now, I am not saying it didn't make sense to put this match on first. But since they only let us know about two bouts for the show, I was surprised that they didn't save this for later. When I found out what the rest of the card was, I was even more shocked. But, the work here, for the most part, was good and they gave them a lot of time. Again, when I saw what would come later, I understood why they got so much time. Anyway, it was a good match. ... I was glad that they didn't do the roll up finish after the Melina bump. I hate that ending. A team should win with their finisher, not with a fluky move. The Swanton was a much better way for the Hardys to go over. ... I have to be honest, hearing Joey Styles say, "Listen to the ECW fans erupt" as the Hardy Boys came out pointed out everything that they have done wrong with WWECW, especially when they weren't even wrestling a real ECW team. ... You know what turns Melina from "super hot" to "shaddap already"? Her screaming. It doesn't get heel heat, it's just really, really annoying. ... Oh, and by the way, did anyone else think "this is like the old days" when there were problems with the feed during the opener?
Balls vs. Striker? All I can say is did anyone (other than their friends and family) pay 40 bucks to see this on PPV? And, anyone who thinks having Striker on the offense for most of the match is a good idea, well, they should just stop thinking right now. The best thing I can say about this match was that at least some of the fans in the building chanted along with it and had fun.
I loved the fans chant of BS to the angle of Sabu being attacked in the back. Way to go Vince. For any of those old ECW fans that were still giving you their money to see this product, you did your best to flip them off. Brilliant Mr. Genius Promoter. You know what they want better than they do. They take Sabu out of one of the two advertised matches on the show and replace him with Bob Holly? Wonderful, they ripped me off on one of the two things I paid for in another example of WWE false advertising. I get that they have issues with Sabu, but at least let the guy wrestle when you SELL US A MATCH based on him being in it. Taking him out of it was a scummy, slimy move. I should call my cable company and demand a refund for bait and switch tactics.
Not for nothing, but the Christmas colors on the set were very festive. Yeah, I am reaching here. Shoot me. I paid 40 bucks and am trying to have a good time somehow.
Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke beat up what's left of the FBI. Yeah, I was shocked. I expected a competitive bout. Sure I did. I also expected the old ECW too. Ugh. Forty bucks. For this? This show could do the lowest buyrate ever in WWE history (and you can't pin this train wreck on ECW's legacy because WWE ran those fans off already). The best part of this match was the TNA chant as Terkay was laying out Guido. Yep, that says it all. This was squash city and if I didn't have to, I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to watch squash matches.
When the ref booted Khali from ringside, why didn't he boot creative too? Tommy Dreamer lost to Daivari? Oh wait, it got worse when Dreamer had to take a stiff bump from Khali after the match. Man, this ain't ECW folks. All I can say about this is bout is thank God they won't be doing another ECW PPV any time soon so I don't have to watch any more of this dreck. By this point, all I could figure was that the point of the booking here was to drive away whatever old ECW fans still remained. ... When Dreamer said, "I can't feel my feet" all I could think was "I wish I couldn't feel my head".
Oh boy, Hardcore Holly gets to take Sabu's place. I am definitely going to demand my money back from the cable company.
Wait, it gets better. Kelly Kelly just came out with Mike Knox, which definitely makes this storyline one of the stupidest in WWE this year. Kelly likes CM Punk. She wishes him good luck before her match. But she comes out with Knox. Yes, I felt stupider just for watching it. I would say, "Until Knox left Kelly in the ring" but he has seemed like such a dope for weeks by getting punked by her, it's not like got any real revenge here. She embarrasses him on national TV in front of millions. He gets his revenge in front of a few hundred thousand on PPV. Great move. brain surgeon. ... As for the match, I just felt more bored, as opposed to stupid, for watching this one. It was really, really weak. ... Did Ariel really need to take "shut up already" screaming lessons from Melina?
Then Sandman came down and caned Thorn. The fans chanted ECW. I said to myself, "They are either the easiest audience in the world or they, like me, were doing all that they could to get some enjoyment out of the money that they wasted on this show". I also said, "Why didn't Punk make the save since that is what they built up to?"
I laughed at the Armageddon promo by Michael Cole. Hey WWE, anyone who paid for this show either will buy anything you sell them or will never buy anything from you again. No need to try and sell them again, especially after the crap you had just fed them.
Then, it was time for the main event. Could you believe the six guys they sold us a show on? Big Show? OK. RVD? OK. CM Punk? I like him, so OK. Lashley? Uh, not yet. Bob Holly? Not any time soon. Freakin' Test? Not ever! Paul Heyman said it best when he told us that the era of the real ECW guys was over, and that ain't a good thing. No way, no how. Man, I felt utterly ripped off and the match hadn't even started yet. But wait, it got worse!
The one guy that should have made it until the end went first. Yeah, the one real star they have created with this new brand is CM Punk, so they job him out first. What frickin' slugs, idiots and brain dead morons they have up in creative. Then, after hours of seemingly trying, they finally managed to turn the crowd by dusting Rob Van Dam early. I was happy to see the fans finally realize what WWE (lack of) creative had done to them. The fans had done their best all night to make chicken salad out of chicken poop, but that was the last straw. At this point, I couldn't care less which of the guys left in the match won. That's how bad it was.
It came down to Lashley and Big Show, with Lashley winning the ECW Title. At 10 freakin' 15. For forty bucks, we got a barely two hour show. WWE screwed every one of us tonight. And, they didn't even buy us dinner first.
Oh wah, wah, wah, wah, wah WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WHY CAN'T I GET COMPED AGAIN!! WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY???????
Now keep in mind, Dave Scherer - a BRILLAINT BUSINESSMAN WITH WHOME EVERYTHING HE TOUCHES TURNS TO GOLD - has routinely boasted about using the money he spends on these PPV's as a tax write-off. He GETS IT ALL BACK...
But Scherer's attitude is partially responsible for why Heyman had to let McMahon bail him out secretly all those years ago. If he PAID for the good product then, he wouldn't have to pay for a lousy product NOW... but he lived high on the Heyman hog, didn't spend a dime, and whined when Heyman gave it all up to Vince... just like the rest of you so-called hard-core marks.
Jesus Christ... re-read that bullshit... look at him whine, whine, whine.
Am I reaching? Am I talking out of my asshole? Maybe... but the SECOND thing that I'm basing this theory on sort of backs up my first here.
ECW ran for years under the greatest, most lucrative period in wrestling history. The Monday night wars, Stone Cold, the NWO, The Rock, Goldberg, hundreds of millions of dollars being made hand over fist, sold out house shows, magazine covers, through the roof ratings. It was all there, a willing mainstream audience who wanted all sorts of wrestling every night... all you had to do was supply Heyman with enough money to help him score his piece of the pie. He had the talent, the vision, and the skill to keep the train going with anyone he saw fit to get over.
But the problem was he didn't charge you assholes enough, because he knew you were too broke to pay... you wanted to WATCH the product without paying for it... like Dave did. Ahh, times were good back then.
Or maybe I'm wrong and Heyman, and ECW was doomed to fail. I mean... really... even if it was NOT the most lucrative period of wrestling history... if it was like today... where hardly anyone in the US watches the product, and house shows are down, and most people who were into this wrestling bonanza a generation ago have grown up and moved on... how could a small wrestling company with a small budget survive with no TV exposure, no marketing, stars who are signed away to the big leagues the moment they become someone and only Internet word-of mouth as their primary advertising have made it? How can a wrestling company possibly thrive strictly on DVD sales done through word of mouth and nothing else?
.... oh wait a second...
ECW and Paul Heyman had plenty of honor, a ring full of it. The problem is that their fans, like Dave Scherer, didn't have enough honor to help them survive.
Blame McMahon all you want... just be sure to blame yourselves a little, too.
THE KEIBLER ELVES (originally posted June 5th, 2006)
So you think Meltzer and keller and Scherer are the ONLY ONES ALLOWED TO KNPOW ANYTHING??? Fuck you and take a look at the following... written months ago... LOOOONG before anyone but me had any idea she was going to leave the WWE:
Call her the Pied Keibler, for she is leading the Divas out of wrestling.
You know, it was always pretty obvious the the Rock was a little bit beyond just rasslin', but whoever would've thought Stacy Keibler was the Diva who actually stood the best shot of crossing into mainstream... (and let's face it, neither Rena Mero nor Chyna ever stood a chance, they were just fooling themselves)
Stacy Keibler danced for a few weeks on national network TV and won herself 15 minutes of non-WWE sanctioned fame... how she uses it remains to be seen.
But one thing is for certain... I promise you... I GUARANTEE YOU... that the locker rooms are FULL of workers who are seething with jealousy... and who KNOW that they are MUCH MORE able to fully crossover than Stacy.
Candice and Maria are already making noise about doing (WWE) films... for starters...
But the first... the first BIG attempt to follow in Stacy's footsteps comes from the little Canadian darling herself... Trish Stratus.
This weekend, Trish hosted something called "The Canadian Walk of Fame", which apparently is a HUGE DEAL....
No, really... apparently, Canadians need to remind themselves that they are Canadians so they honor Americans Canadians who left the country for American fame... sort of like offering them an award if they come home for a night...
Anyway, Stratus is no fool, she seized the opportunity (habit with her) and went NUTS with it... costume changes, glamorous designer gowns, a full-out Canadian media blitz the week preceeding the event... and BARELY in that blitz did she mention the WWE.
The newspapers did, she didn't... not much, anyway.
And ON the show, she did what was called a HUGE song and dance production number...
A WWE Diva dancing.... sound familiar.
Of course, THIS time around, the WWE cameras were there in FORCE... they ain't letting THIS Diva stray too far. Nope...
Oh, and at one point Stratus went for the headlines by planting a big kiss on Pam Anderson. I'm a little shaky on just how popular Pam Anderson is these days... even Meltzer noted that this wasn't exactly "Britney/Madonna"... but rest assured you'll see it on Raw tonight. (Updated Hyatte note: You actually saw it two weeks later)
So even though it was in Canada... and all Internet news sources dealing with entertainment spent their Sunday talking about the MTV Movie Awards that were filmed ON THE SAME NIGHT (way to go, Canada)... Trish made her biggest attempt yet to EXPLODE out of the confines of the WWE and into.... wait for it... MAINSTREAM!!
She's going for the crossover before our very eyes, people. (Updated Hyatte note: And none of you nitwits believed me)
My theory, she'll always have a HUGE career in Canada. The states.... I don't know. She's also talking about making movies... and whoever her agent is deserves a raise. (Updated Hyatte note: Or... umm... reality TV... might be time to change agents.)
And do you think she was chanting, "Fuck Stacy, Fuck Stacy, FUCK STACY" while she sang, danced, and made out with Pam Anderson? Of COURSE she did.
She's a smart cookie... knows where her bread is buttered, too. Look out for a WWE.com interview within the week where she talks about how much fun hosting the show was, but how her heart is still into wrestling! (Updated Hyatte note: Done and done)
All lies, she's looking to get out.(Updated Hyatte note: BOOOYA!!!!!) They all are.
How mainstream is she going? Put it this way, the Trish Stratus IMPOSTER I sometimes talk to has blocked me on AIM AND shut down her g-mail account... even SHE is going for more famous chumps to con.(Updated Hyatte note: Sort of but not exactly)
Anyway... let's have a little fun at Canada's expense (Updated Hyatte note: What followed was a loooong goof-session on the Canadian Walk of Fame followed by some racist Canadian jokes. You can go go back a few columns here to read it in full)
Anyway, enjoy Stratus while you can... as soon as a spot in Hollywood opens up... she's OUTTA THERE! (Updated Hyatte note: SEE??? SEE??? MONTHS BEFORE MELTZER BROKE THE NEWS!! MONTHS BEFORE SHE RETIRED!!)
You dumbasses. Nearing ten years of doing columns and being popular with them and it's SO INCONCEIVABLE that I might not have made a connection or two??
D(eath) V(alley) D(ouchebag)S
In lieu or doing ANOTHER rasslin' story.... how about a little gift idea overview...
One thing that drives me absolutely BUG SHIT CRAZY are these Life Smarks who take a good TV show and turn into into some fucking dumb ass religion.
Look, when I was a little kid, I used to be just like every other kid in school and every Monday I would "mark out" (call it "Water Fountain Talk") over whatever was on TV that weekend, like The Dukes of Hazard, or, on Fridays, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (boy that Twinkie... boy, that Erin Gray! Hubba, HUBBA!!)... but I was a kid... it was allowed.
THESE days... I'm... well, I'm not a kid no more... and I don't freak out over TV shows... and I feel sort of sad for those who do. IT'S FICTION, PEOPLE!!! ACTORS WHO GET PAID TO FAKE THROUGH SHIT!!
Take this 24. I never watch it on TV every week. It's the serialized form that, to me at least, DEMANDS you get the DVD set and blast through it in three or four days. I love the show. Great stuff that just gets better... and a fascinating concept that makes me wonder just how they film/write it....
But some people... OLD PEOPLE... PEOPLE MY AGE... they go absolutely berserk over it... dissecting each episode on their Blogs and basically screaming, "THAT SHOW WAS SO COOL, MAN!! WOW!!"
Scooter "Scott" Keith is chief among those who take the show faaaaar too seriously.
Then there are the girls who spend their blogs drooling over how MANLY Keifer Sutherland is... hate to break it to you, ladies, it was the Sports Guy, of all people who pointed out that since he is about 5'6, Sutherland has to either A: Do his scenes while sitting down or from the waist up so he can stand on boxes or B: Make sure the other men they hire are all midgets too or C: Yell at the director to create crazy camera angles so he doesn't look like such a dwarf out there. This "Man's Man" is about 5 inches away from not being allowed on the rollercoasters... THAT'S YOUR HERO???? A SNOTTY, PRIVILEGED, MIDGET ACTOR???
Man, get a LIFE, you losers.
ANYWAY... as a REGULAR fan who doesn't count the goddam fucking days until the new season shows up, I have to congratulate Keifer Sutherland on escaping all those direct to video horrifyingly bad movies he had the rest of his career to look forward to and stumbling onto this TV gig, which made him both a Star REBORN and an extra-obscenely wealthy man. I mean, if it wasn't for this gig, he would've been arresting midwestern trailer trash on that new Armed and Famous reality show by now. But, he scored this gig, took it seriously, and now is going to ride it until someone tells him to pack it in... or until they run out of actors to hire who are shorter than him... heh....
Anyway... Christmas is pretty much here and, since I have all 5 seasons on DVD... I'd like to list, in order, my favorite seasons (or Days), and if you're thinking of investing time and money into this highly energetic TV series (which does NOT get boring when you watch the shows in bulk), or getting one for a loved one... allow the Great Hy8 to point you in the proper direction...
First: For those who really don't pay attention, 24 is a 24 episode season where each episode chronicles one hour of the day in the life of Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland). If the first episode starts at 7 am, the very last episode will end at 7 am the next day. Bauer works (for the most part) for "CTU" (Counter-Terrorism Unit) and on each day some bad guys are up to no good and super Jack has to kick ass and save the day. But, since Sutherland isn't a goddam robot, he gets time off camera too and various sub-plots roam and play out over the day as well. In fact, it seems that a day doesn't go by without at least two leadership changes going down at CTU for various reasons... usually just as the bad guys are THISCLOSE to dropping the nuke/releasing the virus/killing the President/dropping the nuke filled with the virus on the President. I am pretty fucking sure I didn't need to describe that
Okay then... if you want to become just like your hero, Scooter Keith... introduce yourself to 24 in the following order...
Day 3: It's the third season and the first where the producers have fine tuned everything perfectly. Bauer, fresh off a deep, DEEP undercover assignment ends up breaking a sadistic Mexican drug overlord - the same guy he went undercover for and arrested him - out of prison (but not without playing a nifty game of Prison Russian Roulette first) and getting him back to Mexico to track down a nasty Virus before it gets into the wrong hands and TERROR ensues.
The Good: All subplots revolve around the main plotline, no dragging time filler, they give his daughter a reason to be there other than because she's a hottie, the Mexicans all die and Bauer makes it back to L.A. and a new villian, a dastardly cunning rouge British Intelligence agent (James Bondish), become the elusive, primary target. Oh, and Bauer has a heroin habit but is denied shooting up all through the season. The very last scene of the very last hour gives Sutherland a chance to cry... to finally show what a day like he just had feels like.
The Bad: Bauer's partner, and his daughter's love interest doesn't have much to do towards the second half of the season. A dramatic couple of hours at a hotel where the virus has been leaked is pretty boring. The President is a cool figure but his (ex) wife was there just as a plot device and not much else.
Verdict: This is the one to introduce yourself to. You'll want to see more.
Day 5: This is all of last season. Bauer is coaxed out of hiding when Ex- President Palmer is assassinated and two of the series biggest supporting players is blasted all to hell in the first 8 minutes. Bauer shoots the actual assassin before the hour is up, but there's this whole thing with a Nerve gas and the Russian President and the American President who may be the weakest man to ever hold the White House in television history (to be fair, he was Vice-President the season before but the President was killed in a very dramtic fashion.) turns out to be the big bad guy here. Bauer becomes the most wanted man in America, we have Martial Law in Los Angeles, a whacky First Lady, and goddam RoboCop himself, Peter Weller, shows up a little less then half-way through as Bauer's mentor who causes all sorts of trouble.
The Good: This season had enough action and explosions to make it feel like a huge movie as opposed to a TV show. In other words, Fox gave the producers a moster budget. The guy who played evil President Logan was nothing short of BRILLIANT... and not really an EVIL man, just a man who is in over his head and very lost in his role. Robocop, where have you been hiding all these years? William Devane didn't have a lot to do but what he did so he did well. Lots of deaths to make the Life Smarks weep, and a cliffhanger that A: caught everyone off-guard and B: REALLY fucked up Bauer to the point where the last lines he said on the series was, "Kill me, just kill me.".
The Bad: Even if it was chubby Sean Astin taking over CTU, it's the 5th season in a row where the leadership of the place changed hands at least twice. There was no reason for Kimberly Bauer to be there other than because they sort of had to address the fact that she thought her father was dead. What the flying fuck was C Thomas Howell doing on this show and why was he such a nerd? Too many deaths stunk of melodramatic overload. The mother and son who Bauer stayed with while in hiding didn't need to be there for as long as they were. The whole plotline about the "recording" that showed the President being a bad guy was overplayed. And the way they shoved President Logan in there as the main bad guy didn't make sense.
Verdict: This is 24 at its best, with all their usual beats covered. Everything really jelled nicely, here.
Day 4: This is 100% Terrorists, straight out of the Middle East, and they got themselves a gosh darn nuclear bomb! Bauer starts the day off no longer with CTU but he has a girlfriend and a cushy role as a bodyguard for the Chief of Defense, William Devane. Devane and his daughter (Bauer's girlfriend) are kidnapped by the terrorists in the first hour. We also get a look at a terror cell "sleeper family", terrorists who have infiltrated the American suburbs, waiting for the time to strike. We also see, for the first time, that the producers aren't fucking around as Airforce 1 is blown out of the sky, along with the President and the Vice-President, Logan, is handed the keys... and Lord he doesn't know WHAT to do about it. (He ends up trying to have Bauer arrested just as he's about to catch the season's main bad guy). We get half of Los Angeles blacked out, we get Jack holding up a convienence store, we get the entire country of China extremely pissed off at Jack Bauer. And we get the return of the show's most famous bad guy... who is really a girl and she really kicks major ass.
The Good: We see Jack REALLY show his no-bullshit side and break down a terrorist. William Devane can act his old ass OFF. We meet Edgar, and he's a delight. Mandy had two episodes to play with and she was spectacular. A loved supporting player returns to save the day and no one minds. This season had about as many subplots going as ever before but none of them were too terribly boring. No Kimberly. Solid season.
The Bad: Well, the sub-plot involving the Head of CTU's crazy daughter was hokey. After last season's final few episodes where it all boiled down to one cunning bad guy they repeated themselves by having it all boil down to ANOTHER cunning bad guy. William Devane's son didn't have to be tortured, and then forgotten like that... hell, they really didn't need him at all. The whole episode where Bauer, his girlfriend's ex-husband, and two sports store employees taking on a crack mercenary unit reeked of episode filler.
Verdict: Strong beginning... but they producers seemed to struggle to fill out the last few hours.
Day 1: The first season. Starts at midnight. Bauer's daughter sneaks out of her room to party with her friend and some guys and Jack is pulled away from looking for her because CTU discovers a plot to assassinate Senator Palmer, who is about to become President.. Bauer's wife hunts for Kimberly, but both end up kidnapped by the assassins. Bauer is forced to try to kill the Senator, manages to intentionally botch it up, ends up being hunted by the Secret Service. Bauer's wife allows a bad guy to fuck her rather than letting her daughter get raped. She loses her memory when she thinks Kimberly was killed. Jack ends up trying to stop a prison escape and fails. Lou Diamond Phillips shows up for a fast paycheck but doesn't last. Dennis Hopper is the main bad guy who has it in for both Bauer and the Senator.
The Good: Since it was the first season of a show that's never been tried before, the producers were just getting their feet wet and experimenting and put together a very well done season. It's the only time we see characters eat and Bauer acknowledge that this is tiring work. Sutherland smartly called on his friends Lou Diamond Phillips and Dennis Hopper to add semi-star power to the show. If you like your Keifer with a full head of blonde hair, this will be your only chance. Really hard-core plot twist at the end where a supporting player we came to like just totally went full-out heel. A bad ending for Jack's wife.
The Bad: Again, the first season is never as good as the follow-ups. The sub-plot of Bauer's wife having amnesia was just retarded. Senator Palmer's sub-plot with his son being a murderer was unnecessary too. This was simply a deal where the producers had the story mapped out in about 18 hours but had to find a way to stretch it out for another 6.
Verdict: Nothing wrong with it, but there are boring parts.
Day 2: Bad guys, actual Terrorists this time, have a nuke. Just one, but L.A. is the target and Jack Bauer is a wreck after losing his wife. He is brought back in on the request of President Palmer and promptly goes undercover and ends up bombing his own CTU headquarters. Meanwhile, one of the terrorists is getting married... or is he??? Jack is tortured halfway through until he dies... then wakes up and tortured a little bit more. The nuke goes off... sort'a President Palmer is almost impeached and has to tell a bunch of his cabinet to fuck off. His ex-wife is totally up to no good, too. Kimberly is on the run from a psychotic husband/father and ends up in a bear trap and also spends time with Kevin Dillon. The heeled up former co-worker of Bauer has a good run of episodes early on.
The Good: A really nice plot twist concerning a family on the day of a wedding... where someone no one expected turned out to be a nutcase. The plot is certainly tighter than the previous season as the producers start figuring out how to do this. The torture scenes are brutal. Nice finale and the final moments of the show offered a unique season's plot twist.
The Bad: The ONLY reason why this is the last (and therefore, least favorable) DVD you should get is because of the Kimberly sub-plot. It was like they were doing two shows at once and it was BOOOOORING. She had nothing to do and it was obvious the producers had signed her to a three year contract and opted to toss her in there rather than buy her out (well.. that and she's a hottie). The unique final moment plot twist had nothing to do with the thrust of the whole season and I didn't like the fact that there was still ANOTHER bad guy who wasn't taken care of. The notion that sdome American oilman engineered the whole season's evildoings just so he can make money was a little on the cheap side.
Verdict: Again, 80% of the show was a thrill ride, but the other 20% was ridiculous. Happily, they learned their lessons.
So there you go... buy the series IN THE ORDER I SUGGEST, introduce yourself to this crackerjack show, and PLEASE don't devote your LiveJournal to how awesome Keifer Sutherland is... don't be a Scooter.
INSERT ABSURDLY WITTY/IRONIC TITLE HERE
Oh I COULD blast off something outrageously hilarious/poignant here for a title... but I don't plan on being on this for long.
Consider this a gift, from me to you...
Here is a YouTube video compilation of some of the biggest, funniest botches from the WWE over the last few years.
The interesting thing is that most of these clips feature Trish Stratus!!
Of course, her biggest botch of them all isn't in there.
So anyway moving along...
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*There are over forty THOUSAND muscles in an elephant's trunk*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
He gets to show up for work drunk!
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
HE CAME, HE SAW, HE SHAT
Every so often, a character shows up on television who pretty much takes the country by STORM!
And every so often, an actor who's time seems to have passed, gets to completely win over a whole new audience.
Right now, the actor is William Shatner, the show is Boston Legal, the character is "Denny Crane"...
And he will rock you:
Alan Shore: You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Denny Crane: Uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan Shore: Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane: Just once I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Screw ECW! Its on its way out anyway... Boston Legal, Denny Crane, WILLIAM SHATNER... Tuesdays at 10 pm on ABC...
And James Spader is the rocks on too.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Naaaah.... but fret not, my little chipmunks...
OH MY, LAWS
Here's something a little fun... clean fun... harmless fun... why not?
With a very simple google search, I found a whole mess of amusing laws that states have issued... and because this wouldn't be a Midnight News without overkilling it... I'll include something from every state...
-Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
-Slavery is still legal in a town called Decatur.
-Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.
-Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
-You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
-In Tuscon, women are not allowed to wear pants
-Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
-It's illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas in that state.
-The City Council of Chico enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
-In Pacific Grove, molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
-In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.
-It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver.
-in Hartford you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands
-in Hartford, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.
-it is illegal to get married on a dare.
-you may not sell dead people for money without a license.
In Washington D.C.
-It is unlawful for small boys to throw stones, at any time, at any place in the District of Columbia.
-The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.
-Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
-In Sarasota, you are not allowed to catch crabs
-It is illegal in Georgia to use profanity in the presence of a corpse.
-In the town of Acworth, all citizens must own a rake.
-Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
-If you do not own a boat in Hawaii you will be fined.
-in Boise, residents may not fish from a giraffe or camel's back.
-Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime
-In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or "otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public.
-It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.
-All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
-Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
-It is illegal to accept a gratuity or tip in Iowa.
-You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time.
-In Natoma, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.
-in Salina, it is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
-in Frankfort, it is against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
-In Kentucky every citizen of is required to take a shower once a year.
-It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish.
-Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
-After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
-You may not step out of a plane in flight
-In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks no matter how dirty they get.
-It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
-in Boston it is illegal to play the fiddle.
-In Massachusetts you must have a license to wear a goatee.
-A Michigan law states that a wife's hair legally belongs to her husband.
-In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
-Every man in Brainerd, Minnesota is required by law to grow a beard.
-Red cars can not drive down Lake Street, Minneapolis
-It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.
-in Tylertown it is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.
-Four women may not rent an apartment together in University City.
-Dancing is strictly prohibited in a town named Purdy
-It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
-Montana just legalized the production of caviar.
-If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
-It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
-In Las Vegas, it's against the law to pawn your dentures.
-It is illegal in Reno to conceal a spray-painted shopping cart in your basement.
In New Hampshire
-New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
- It is illegal to inhale bus fumes with the intent of inducing euphoria.
In New Jersey:
-In Newark it is illegal to buy ice cream after 6:00 p.m.
-You may not slurp your soup.
In New Mexico
-State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.
-A city council member in Albuquerque, N.M., introduced a resolution a few years ago to ban Santa Claus from the city. The matter was defeated.
In New York
-In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."
-In Staten Island, you may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
In North Carolina
-Massage parlors have been banned in Hornytown, NC.
-It's against the law to sing off key in North Carolina.
In North Dakota
-Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
-It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
-In Chillicothe, it is illegal to throw rice at weddings.
-No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
-In Ada, wearing New York Jets apparel may land you in jail.
-Whale hunting is strictly prohibited throughout the entire state of Oklahoma.
-It's against the law in Willowdale for a husband to curse during sex.
-Women may not wrestle in Salem.
-In Harrisburg, it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
-In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags.
In Rhode Island
-In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
-Rhode Island still prohibits unmarried people from having sex under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined only 10 dollars
In South Carolina:
-It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
-On Hilton Head Island, it is illegal to shine a flashlight on a sea turtle
In South Dakota
-It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
-In South Dakota no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
-in Dyersburg it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
-The age of consent is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin.
-In Texas, sixteen-year old divorced girls are prohibited from talking about sex during high school extracurricular activities.
-The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
-Birds have the right of way on all highways.
-In Utah when a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.
-In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
-In Vermont, it is illegal to deny the existence of God
-in Dayton: A black person may not be outside or within the city limits after 7 pm.
-in Richmond it is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.
-All lollipops are banned.
-It is illegal to deflower a virgin even on their wedding day.
In West Virginia
-It is illegal to snooze on a train.
-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
-State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.
-In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
-You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.
-It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
Now obviously... most of these are old, old, OLD laws that have since been amended... but if these things proved ANYTHING its that our founding fathers were uptight assholes...
Anyway... You can read these things yourselves by going here. I don't care.
Okay then... another monster tamed... another philly saddled up... another demon put to sleep for a while... and... and...
and you know what... sometimes I kick the ass and sometimes I get my ass kicked... this was one of them weeks where I get my ass kicked.
Next week, Iraq notes, every single book I reviewed will be linked, whatever major story breaks this week I'll talk about, I'll Mop-Up something, and the return of Hal Jotsky. All while trying once again to mend a broken heart. And probably something having to do with Christmas too. See, practically written already!
Wow... I... I see a light... a tiny light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.... amazing.
This is Hyatte