The Midnight News
I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but as a long-time reader, I hope you'll indulge me. If the countdown is legit, I am hoping you wil take the oppurtunity to absolutely blast everyone and anybody who has wronged you on the net, even the slightest. I want to see you punish them: web writers(especially Keith)Tony, Madden, Meltzer, all of them. Go out in a blaze of glory. You owe it to use hardcore readers if you have net impunity. No Al or Widro to censor you or tell you to back off. Gimmie gimmie gimmie!
No name given
Oh, I'll probably think of something reasonable bitter for my last one.
Could you do "who spoiled smackdown" one more time? Those were hilarious.
I'll think about it
hey do a long time reader a favor before you call it quits. I'd like you to redoo the sexual acts with funny names. angry pirate , dirty sanchez etc. etc.
No, I won't be doing that.
you have to do one more carnac.
holds envelope to head....
spiderman, rey mysterio jr., and chris hyatte.
Name two guys that wear a mask and one that should....
HEY!! You little wiseass! Don't you know that I'm fucking black chicks these days!!
hope u get this. I'm writing from italy. I've been off the net for something like 4 years. computers crashes and people get bored enough of the net to understand u don't really need to repair your pc. just put it in the closet and go on with your life. then you come back. the net has changed, yet it has remained the same and you remember why you got bored in the first place. only this time there's few people. few discussions. few destinations to rwach and less, much less individuals who truly want to make a difference, even by writing a stupid wrestling column. I just wanted to write to you to tell you that reading your material has made a difference for me. no stupid pay fees. no subscriptions. no silly internet wrestling cliques. I'm 27 years old, damn! I think I'm above this crap (and I did my fair share back in the day, btw).
make no mistake. I appreciated keith, scaia, even shannon at one time. by these standards I'm probably a dork. but hyatte... hyatte could make the difference. I don't know hyatte the guy. I think I know hyatte the writer and believe me, you were a great writer. it's just so unfortunate you've decided to do something else in life. because I really miss your columns. just like a miss the internet of a few years ago. the net has no time. no "eras". it freezes every day, over and over again, never to change. yet you made it a little bit funnier and acceptable. there's only so many times I can read "the other white vince" or "the taking of triple h" without wanting more. more and more. I only hope t find someone whose columns will entertain me like yours did. though I know it's gonna be hard. at one time I thought I could be that guy. but maybe you're right. no pride in this wrestling shit.
hope this mail is well accepted.
No name given.
Thank you, for some reason this letter touched me.
Hiya Numbnuts. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. I actually made it YET AGAIN for TWO weeks in a ROW!! Dear God, I'm exhausted.
You know, yesterday we watched the Indianapolis Colts, in a little over 2 quarters of play, rebound from a massive18 point deficit against the greatest rival they've ever had AND the greatest comeback/big game quarterback of the last 20 years to get themselves a trip to the Superbowl in 2 weeks. In that game, we had more drama, storytelling, and heart attacks then in about 3 years of professional wrestling. We had a Patriot defense nearly drop dead from fatigue (due to a flue virus that ran through miuch of the team all week, not that it is any excuse) in the second quarter only to suck it up and rebound strong in the third and fourth. We had Tom Brady be given the ball deep into his own 30 with one minute to play with a 4 point Colt lead and EVERYONE WATCHING wasn't about to call it a game... not with Brady.
And you had the interception, and you had the greatest comeback in all of professional football laid right there in a game that you just could not turn away from, because there was drama happening every 10 seconds of play.
This may have been one of the best football games I've ever seen... and when any of you foreign assholes start spouting shit about this "soccer" bullshit... or even that ridiculous hockey nonsense... just remember that Americans will NEVER embrace David Beckham or that dumb sport he plays... we have FOOTBALL... we have the NFL...
And it's all we could ever hope for in a professional sport. And its ALL OURS!
Right on! Congrats to the Colts... they deserve to win... my nightmare SB would've been Patriots vs the Saints... only because the country would have rooted for New Orleans and poor Tom brady would've been christened the new Saddam Hussein for being their opponent.
Soccer... bunch of white boys running around in shortie shorts... and not more then a few blacks in sight... I mean, who runs faster than black people?
And now let's take a second while someone out there proceeds to think about me.... someone misses me.... ahhhhh, lovely.
Anyway, off we go.
THE DAY THE "YOU SUCK" CHANTING DIED
Thanks to Al Gore, an unusually warm winter (except for everything West of St Louis... which is getting hit with ten blizzards a week!!! IN MALIBU, FOR CHRISSAKES!!), has confused the folks at the WWE and they started their annual spring cleaning EARLY!!
Yes, Black Wednesday hit the wrestling world last week and 20 innocent, inexpensive workers found themselves out ON THE STREET!!! IN... IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR!!
HOMELESS!!! JOBLESS!!! RATLESS!!! PENNIELESS!!! These poor workers are thrown out into the COLD... sent off by a HEARTLESS corporate machine to fend for THEMSELVES! "Yes, you can still WRESTLE!", says the souless Vince, "but just not for ME!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
And then... well... since TNA can't afford to take ALL of these kids in... and working for Gabe may be HONORABLE... but it ain't gonna pay enough to swing that nasty cable bill... (and I can't see many of these names being able to go a 1200 minute chest chop shoot with Samoa Joe anytime soon), I thought I would HELP OUT... and with the help of my AWESOME powers of observation and people-reading skills... take a look at most of the fired people (the ones I can pick out of a lineup, actually) and suggest to them what future jobs they MIGHT be best suited for...
Tony Mamaluke: Drug dealing, auto repair, pizza making, leg breaker for some loan shark, Chevy salesman, roadie for Frank Sinatra Jr.
Doug Basham: Freelance landscaper, cabana boy for a three star Club Med knockoff, Dude who brings the strippers to the Bachelor Parties to make sure they are safe and paid, Buick salesman, telemarketing.
Danny Basham: Adult video store attendant, Security guard, Cadillac salesman, casino greeter, chimney sweeper, plumber
Al Snow: Although Al is sticking around as an OVW trainer... there is an "old fart" feud with Jerry Lynn that Russo is DYING to book!!
Sylvester Terkay: Professional Sasquatch Impersonater, Elvis Impersonator, sell his body hair to Hollywood prop departments, Toyota salesman, alcoholic.
Rodney Mack: Hollywood career playing "angry black dude" or "Angry gang member", or "Uncharacteristically gay angry black guy", manager of a "Popeye's Chicken" franchise, Dodge salesman.
Jazz: Stunt person for Denzel Washington, Wesley Snipes, Morgan Freeman, career doing radio commercials about the ravages of smoking, phone sex operator for transexuals, Lexus salesperson.
CW Anderson: Either bouncer or selling Ford F-150s. Not much else for ol' CW.
Tatanka: He's in on that casino racket. He's set for life. Professional peace pipe smoker.
Gangrel: Whatever he was doing during those years in between being fired, get right back into it!
Bill Demott: Lawn mowing, house painting, bouncing, aluminum siding sales, daily calls to his accountant thanking him for saving all that WCW money.
And to all the others, the greenpeas who are young enough to find work anywhere... just keep yourselves occupied and out of trouble until the WWE calls again... they ALWAYS do!
Oh, and this goes without saying but... every job I suggested, no matter how low-rent it may be, is still MILES BETTER then working for Goodman.
BAM, HE DEAD
The wrestling world stopped bitching about Raw long enough to mourn the passing of Bam Bam Bigelow!
When I first heard the news mny first reaction was... "Wow, whose gonna blindly kiss her ass in chats NOW??" Then I re-read the name and decided that the joke was just inside enough for 99% of the audience to miss.
Now, Bam Bam had a pretty nice run in the bigs... shopwing up all over the place and doing well enough so that he was a bonafide mainstream star!
I liked Bam Bam... well... I didn't mind Bam Bam on my screen, which is about as good as it gets from me.
And the WWE was quick to grab comments from wrestlers who REMEMBER Bam Bam and related great stories about him! So I was wondering how do I add my two cents in my own, unique, way...
THEN I remembered that Bam Bam had a career BEFORE he got into wrestling! He was an honest to goodness Bounty Hunter!
So I did some research, made some calls, and got memories and reaction from people from Bam's OTHER career!
And if Bam Bam is in Heaven, SOME FRIENDS WANT TO SAY GOODBYE, BIG GUY!! HERE'S TO YA!
"I remember when he stormed into my momma's crib and yanked me off this bitch I was groovin' on! He dragged my naked ass all de ways to the Bondsman and didn't let me get dressed until I was back in county! Bald, fat, motherfucka!! He be glad he's dead cuz I was gonna pop a cap in his ass, fo sho!"
-T-Bastard, on parole and minding his own bizznizzle... Tallahassee, FLA
"Damn, that white n***a dead? He the reason I still be up in dis piece! Fuck dat toothless fat bastard! He snuck up on my ass whiles I was chillin' wit da homies at dis club and gettin' ready to mack down on some Ho! Would'a kicked some RIGHTEOUS fat ass if I wasn't trippin' on Hennessey and some fine chronic! Fuck his own ass, WEST SIDE SHOOTAH REPRESENT!!!"
-Lantrell Brown: Inmate # 14563F5693R45, Cross City Correctional Facility - Dixie County, FLA
"Man, FUCK HIS DEAD WHITE TATTOOED MCDONALD'S EATING, BIG MAN TITS HAVING, ALL-NIGHT BUFFET EATING, GAY ASS GOATEE HAVING, DUMB CRACKER HEAD TATTOO ASS!!! HE TACKLED ME AT A 7-11 WHILE I WUZ GETTING IT ON WITH A NICE BLUEBERRY SLURPEE!! I DIN'T EVEN GET TO FINISH IT!! I HOPE HE'S ROASTING HIS TEENY WHITE NUTS IN HELL!! HIM AND JFK! FUCK THEM ALL!!"
-Clarence "Pistol Thug" Freeman: found "Not Guilty" by lack of evidence - Orlando.
"Ay, YI YII, dat chollo gordo, snuck into Tijuana and grabbed me while I was feeding my little miho, Miquel! He stuffed me into de trunk of his Miata and keednapped me back into his country! MUERTO PUTA!! I SPEET ON HIS GRAVE!! HACK... PTUI!!"
-Ramone "Beeg Poppi" Alverarezido - Okaloosa Correctional Institution - Okaloosa County, Fla!
"That asshole died?? Fucker still owed me money!"
-Latricia Diamond - professional "hourly companion" - downtown Fort Pierce, FLA.
"He was very polite, he offered me a napkin everytime he came on me during a Lap Dance. He was always sobbing tho', and he was a bad tipper. Oh well. If you want more comments it'll cost you $30, or one song."
-Carmen (or "Jezebel"): Personal "Dancer" - Lion's Den Pleasure Palace: Malone, Fla.
"He dead? Damn, I wuz hopin' to whup his ass again! I dun it b'fore. When he busted down my door I wuz like, "BRING IT, SUCKAS!" and that cheap cracker backed right down. I proceeded to BITCHSLAP that fat bizznitch then shoved my dick in his toothless mouth and grooved right into his potato eatin' throat!!! After I made him braid my hair! That's when 200 cops came in and I whup DERE asses too! Then they put 20 bullets in me then maced me then tasered me then Rodney Kinged my ass until I fell asleep! DAT'S DA TRUTH, BITCH!! NOW GET ME MY LAWYER!!"
-Lenny "Scarecrow" Hayes: 130 pounds and happily married to his cellmate: Gainesville Correctional Institution - Alachua County, FLA
And so it goes...
RIP Bam Bam, you weren't that bad.
About... oh, I'd say since September, the Torch's Wade Keller has started to fascinate me.
Having a Torch VIP pass (I'M LEGAL! CAN'T BAR ME!!), I've had access to the Torch VIP message board forum for about 2 years now, and the Keller Audio files. And... well...
When you write something for a long period of time, you cannot help but reveal a part of yourself, no matter HOW HARD you try to stick with the stuff you're covering. Not just facts, but the way you reveal these facts show off a side you may not want revealed.
And so, after a few months of heavy analysis, I've decided that Wade Keller: Editor/Owner of the PWTorch, is one of the most repressed, control freaks I've ever seen.
Seriously, the dude is hardcore scary. Serial Killer scary...
How have I reached this? Well, let's go over the stuff we know first... the stuff I've reported...
1: Clearly in over his head when talking with Sean Waltman about addiction, tried to compare kicking heroin with giving up caffeine ("You get these AWFUL headaches!!")
2: When recapping Lita's last Raw, said that Edge and Lita were making "kissy-face". Repeated phrase in his newsletter recap.
So with JUST THOSE TWO pieces of evidence, we've established that Wade Keller: A: Has never gotten high and B: Seems to get red-faced, giggly, and juvenile when he sees a man and woman make out.
So now, more stuff... The Torch VIP has a message board and recently, a bunch of posters started asking Wade dumb questions... and Wade answered honestly and without any shame. None of the answers were bad or directly revealed something repressed within him... but if you put it all together...
Anyway, after going through his recent message board comments AND reading some stuff for his new MMATorch site... I have gotten together the following new information about this bottled up pyschotic:
-Wade has been practicing "the martial arts" since 1981 up to 1993 at least, and claims to have been knocked out cold once. (Channeling all his rage INSIDE)
-Wade prefers Tae Kwon Doe to Ju Jitsue (Bottling it right up so he has plenty of "KA" energy)
-His Mom, Nancy, keeps track of all Torch subscriptions. (Momma's boy)
-He will drive an extra ten miles to shop at Target rather than going to Wal*Mart. He says Target stores are, "stores are clean, well laid out, and fun to shop at without making me feel like I'm paying an extra 10 percent on products for useless bells and whistles." Where Wal*Mart makes him feel "dirty, guilty, and depressed." (Wade likes HAPPY PLACES)
-Wade refers to the bad parts of Minneapolis as "The shady parts of town." (Where the bad kids go)
-Wade prefers Pepsi over Coke but Dr Pepper over both and REALLY LIKES Dr. Pepper and tacos for lunch. (Carefully controlled, seldom changed diet plans)
-Wade has watched the first two seasons of "24" last summer and was starting the thrird but realized it was wasting too much of his time and stopped watching it. He plans on getting back to the DVD watching eventually. (Idle hands are the DEVIL'S TOOLS)
-Wade is usually up too late for breakfast, but when he does have it, its two eggs... TWO... with the yolks, and green tobasco sauce OR red MEXICAN sauce. Also onions and peppers. Sometimes he'll go loco and have them in a tortilla wrap... a FLOUR tortilla wrap, and a SPRINKLE... NOT A DASH, NOT A BAM, A SPRINKLE... or cheddar cheese. (It's all about control and precision)
-Wade likes pumpernickle toast with olive oil. NOT BUTTER!! Olive oil. (Monitoring his cholestrol levels even though he's as skinny as a last stage AIDS patient)
-Wade SWORE OFF BACON A LOONG TIME AGO... NO BACON, EVER.. but he will eat turkey sausage. (See above)
-Wade prefers OJ for a drink, or OJ and V8 juice. (Vitamens helps little boys GROW)
-Wade is a water FREAK!! He will drink more than 64 ounces... PRECISE OUNCES of water a day, FILTERED water, filling a 32 ounce cup and just drink, drink drink. (A clean temple equals a clean mind)
-Wade drives food servers (NOT WAITERS, FOOD SERVERS) absolutely CRAZY with all the times he likes his water glass refilled. (Mommy always kept my glass filled)
-Wade thinks V8 Fusion mixed with OJ 50/50 is a GREAT substitute for soda. (Sugar makes him EDGY)
-First order of business for Wade Keller, a coffee drink. (not a coffee... that's just crazy talk)
-Wade USED to like those instant capuccino drinks, but he has since deemed them too artery clogging. So NOW he has switched to ovalteen. (Monitoring his cholestrol levels even though he's as skinny as a last stage AIDS patient)
-Wade is constantly on the lookout for those artery clogging PHFs. (Monitoring his cholestrol levels even though he's as skinny as a last stage AIDS patient)
-Wade tries so hard to get 8 hours of sleep a night, but usually fails. Luckily, he catches up on those lost hours later on each week. (Wade likes those funny dreams he has, the ones where he wakes up with a wet spot near his groin)
-Wade recently purchased a (pricey) Tempupedic bed and LOVES IT. He cannot understand why people do not invest money in something they spend a good portion of their lives on top of. (A well-rested body means a PRODUCTIVE DAY!!)
-Wade's trick to falling asleep quickly is to count backwards from 100 and focus ONLY ON THAT and do NOT MOVE A MUSCLE!! NOT EVEN THE MOUTH!! If he does, then he must start all over. (Obsessive compulsive, all about TIGHT control)
-Wade believes you should only go to sleep when its "bed-time". (Daddy used to make special visits around those times)
-Wade will NOT DRINK ANY SODA six hours before "bed-time" (That might lead to the BAD kind of wetness when he wakes up)
-Wade has been a Jeep Cherokee man for several years now. (change is bad)
-Wade hardly EVER drives now, so his Jeep Grand Cherokee just sits in his garage for days on end. (Never leaves the house)
-Wade MAY... I said MAY one day own a fuel efficient smaller car. (however, change is BAD)
-Wade longs for the day when Jeep unveils the smaller HYBRID Cherokee.(tiny, baby changes are the way to go! And those fumes the Cherokee leaks out might clog the arteries!! Who knows?)
-Wade feels that Triple H working through his torn quad was just for "foolish bragging" (Play it safe, ALWAYS play it safe!!)
-Wade feels that college football is "clumsy and gimmicky" (Wrestling is just SO MUCH MORE MACHO then that nasty FOOTBALL!!)
-Wade holds an annual Halloween party every year. (He dresses up as Sonny and Mommy dresses up as Cher)
-Wade hid his way cool Ipod for his Halloween party in case one of his friends thought to steal it. (No one can be trusted in Wade's world)
-Wade has now lost his Ipod. And is wondering if he should buy a new one. (Change is BAD, but this is a major disruption to the routine!! It's DRIVING HIM CRAZY!!)
-Wade likes to bike and rollerblade in the summer. (In really short shorts)
-Wade is always careful to take care of himself and not push himself too hard. (Mommy wouldn't approve)
And the scary part is... I'm not even half-joking here. This is seriously disturbing.
Now, the FUNNY part is that none of those message board posters are asking Wade the REAL questions... such as...
Wade, are you a virgin?
Wade, do you like men?
Wade, did your father ever touch you inappropriately?
Wade, do you hear voices that no one else does?
Wade, do you hate your penis?
Wade, do you kiss your mother on the lips?
Wade, do you share a bad with your mother?
Wade, do you carefully arrange your clothes in the closet in an orderly manner?
Wade, how many times do you clean your home?
Wade, is it always dirty no matter how hard you scrub?
Wade, do you hate women?
Wade, do you see a shrink?
Wade, does "Megan's Law" apply to you, or at least, SHOULD IT?
I actually would like these questions asked before my last column... because I feel that this guy is a powder keg... AND THERE IS A TIMER....
This guy is a TV movie of the week just waiting to happen.
Repressed nutcases are ALWAYS the worst cases.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
More people are YouTubing his Paparazzi Production vignettes then ANYTHING related to CM Punk, Samoa Joe, KENTA, and EVERY ROH MATCH!! SUCK ON THAT, MARKS!!
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Think about this for a second... the most smark-hated wrestler alive and YOU CAN'T HELP BUT YOU TUBE HIS ASS!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Frozen lobsters can come back to life when thawed.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
I WISH I SAID IT FIRST
Here's a brand new segment for you!
Sometime over the last few weeks, I picked up a book filled with thousands of quotes, zingers, one-liners, and wisecracks from famous people. It's a really sweet time killer and I thought I'd share a few samples. Simple and amusing... the way I like things around these parts...
According to Wikipedia; Winston Churchill (30 November 1874 – 24 January 1965) was a British statesman, soldier, and author, best known as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom during the Second World War. Well-known as an orator, strategist, and politician, Churchill was one of the most important leaders in modern British and world history. He won the 1953 Nobel Prize in Literature for his many books on English and world history. Sir Winston Churchill was voted the greatest-ever Briton in the 2002 BBC
Anyway, What did Winston Churchill think of...
-Americans? - "You can always trust the Americans. In the end they will do the right thing, after they've eliminated all the other possibilities."
-Pigs? - "I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us like equals."
-Death? - "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
-U.S. President Woodrow Wilson? - "The spacious philanthropy which he exhaled upon Europe stopped quite sharply on the coasts of his own country."
-Stanley Baldwin (fellow British Politico)? - "He occasionally stumbles over the truth, but he always hastily picks himself up and hurries on as if nothing had happened."
-Sodomy? - "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them do not believe that it can physically be done and the other half are doing it."
-Truth? - "In war, truth is so precious it must always be accompanied by a bodyguard of lies."
-Clement Attlee (The man who defeated Churchill for Prime Minister after WWII? - "A modest little man with much to be modest about"
See, people were sort'a COOL 100 years ago!
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Oops, missed this one again. But did I make up for it? YOU BET'CHA!!!!
Well!! Why not??
01) When is the only time you can spit in a (CANADIAN) womans face?
When her mustache is on fire!
02) Why are (CANADIAN)s so good at math?
They got all the answers burned on their arms.
03) Whats the difference between a (CANADIAN) and a pizza?
The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven!
04) How do you get a (CANADIAN) out of your backyard?
Move your bins out the front.
05) What do you say if your tv is floating in the middle of the night?
Drop it (CANADIAN)!
06) Why are (CANADIAN)s getting stronger?
TVs are getting heavier
07) How can you tell if a (CANADIAN) is on her period?
She's only wearing one sock!
08) What happened to the (CANADIAN) who had an abortion?
Crime Stoppers sent her a check for $500!
09) Why don't (CANADIAN) bitches wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies away from the chicken!
10) What do you get when you cross a (CANADIAN) and a gorilla?
A dumb gorilla!
11) What do you call a building full of (CANADIAN)s?
12) Why were there only 40,000 (CANADIAN)s at the Alamo?
They only had two cars!
And... since I'm cleaning out my closet...
For recently fired from WTAE television... yet popular Pittsburgh radio talk show/newspaper sportswriter/former color man for Nitro/editor of Ric Flair's biography... all around portly blowhard Mark Madden...
I was in bed one evening, doing some reading when... when a slight breeze blew across my naked body. This breeze took a fog-like form... enveloping me in a mist of cool, yet warm sin. The fog took shape, that of a recently deceased elderly women... which then blanketed me in a gauze of sensual intoxication!
The fog became a spirit, the spirit became a woman, the woman was Mark Madden's mother...
And she was horny...
Set off in an emotional state of sexual frustration, the spirit took solid form... and proceeded to rape me.
But I am Hyatte... and Daddy took control...
HEY MARK!! YOU FAT CREEP!! I FINGERED THE GHOST OF YOUR MOMMA UNTIL SHE RAISED HER HAND AND SHOUTED "OO, OOO, OOO, OOO, OOO, OOO!!!!" I GAVE HER THE HORSHACK, MARK!! AND SHE OOOED HER LITTLE ASS OFF!!!!!
HEY MARK!!! LAME SELF-MARK!! I DID YOUR DEAD MOMMA FROM BEHIND ON THE FLOOR THEN YANKED HER ARMS AWAY!!! WHEN HER FACE HIT THE RUG I STARTED PUSHING HER AROUND MY HOUSE!! SHE SUCKED UP ALL THE DIRT!!!!!! I GAVE HER THE HOOVER, MARK!! AND SHE CAME SO HARD!!! SO HAAAAARD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
HEY MADDEN!!! YOU 46 YEAR OLD VIRGIN!! I SHOVED BOTH MY NUTS IN YOUR DEAD MOMMA'S DUSTY OL VAG AND RODE HER WHEN SHE TRIED TO ESCAPE!!!! I GAVE HER THE DOG IN THE BATHTUB, MARK!!! AND SHE LOOOOOOOVED IT!!!!
HEY ASSFACE!!! I HAD YOUR MOMMA BLOW ME UNTIL I CAME!!! THEN, JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO COME I PUNCHED HER RIGHT IN HER DEAD NOSE!!!! I THEN SQUIRTED ON HER FACE!! SHE WAS ALL RED AND WHITE, MARK!!! I GAVE YOUR MOMMA THE CANDY CANE!! AND SHE HOWWWWWWLED!!!
HEY FATSO!! I PUT ON DIAPERS AND A BONNET AND DRINK MILK FROM YOUR DEAD MOMMA'S TITS AND HAD HER SLICE UP MY PENIS WITH A CHEESE GRATER AND THEN MADE HER SHIT IN MY BOTTLE AND DRANK IT!! THEN I MADE HER ROCK ME TO SLEEP TELLING ME WHY ALL GIRLS ARE BAD AND SHOULD DIE!!! WE DID THE WADE KELLER, MARK!!! AND SHE MOOOOOOOANED!!!
HEY BAD-HAIRCUT BOY!! I CHEWED OFF YOUR DEAD MOMMA'S CLIT THEN SWALLOWED IT THEN WE WAITED TWO HOURS THEN I SHIT IT OUT AND MADE HER LICK UP ALL THE SHIT AND HER CLIT!! SHE ATE HERSELF OUT, MARK!! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GODDAM NAME FOR IT BUT MY GOD, DID SHE LOOOOOOVE IIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!
HAY MARK, YOU LIFE SMARK!!! I KEPT FUCKING AND FUCKING YOUR DEAD MOMMA UNTIL ALL OF HELL DEMANDED I PULL OUT!!! NO MATTER HOW MANY DEAD PEOPLE DEMANDED I STOP I JUST KEPT ON AND ON!!! I GAVE HER THE WAR IN IRAQ, MARK!!! AND SHE ALMOST DIIIIIIIIED....err, again.
Quite a party, that girl... open for ANYTHING.
Notice I tossed a little politics in there, too... niiiiice!
He threatened to sue me for this stuff once!
And I'm done. Next week, the Royal Rumble, Carnac (MAYBE), the last book thingy... annnnnd...
And Vince McMahon has agreed to write something for me one last time.
This is Hyatte