HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE
- Chris Hyatte
It’s been a while.
I have my reasons. Never
you mind what. Let’s just
say that life isn’t all roses for even the Mighty Hyatte and…
well… never mind.
What fascinates me about that MTV show Newlyweds
is that while it’s having a minimal effect on enhancing Jessica
Simpson’s career, it’ll probably end up making her husband Nick a
genuine, honest-to-goodness successful solo act!
That’s the real story about this show; a third-tier member of a
third tier boy band quietly manipulated his new wife’s vanity project
into a stepping stone for a Timberlake-level breakout.
Now all we need to see if he has some actual talent.
The OTHER amazing part of this show is that these
two Newlyweds apparently never have sex.
When did Disney take over MTV?
Or is Jessica’s “people” still consumed with getting her
over as a “virgin”, despite now being married?
How about a little feedback to start off this
Well, for starters, remember the last column
where the guy who lives with his wife and a stripper and, after two
years of hot sex has learned that he has a brain tumor?
Well, not only did he write to thank me for the advice, but the
two GIRLS wrote to me with thanks as well.
Modesty, and the sincerity of the letters prevent me for posting
them, but let me just say that the girls have invited me to… well…
let’s just say they were very, very sweet (so long as I do NOT look
like Scott Keith, which, I assured them AND you that I don’t).
Thanks kids, I hope all works out well with all of you.
It’s nice to be reminded that sometimes I really do touch
people when I want to.
Also from the last column was the kid in college who is a bit chubby, a bit paranoid, and looking for some love. I told him to get his ass to the gym pronto. He wrote to say that he did and also strongly suggested that I was a little too mean to him with my advice. Sorry, bro’ but sometimes tough love is the only way to get it into your heads. Just remember, this is not personal. I don’t know any of you.
Then there was the guy from my September 5th
column who had eyes for the flirty girl who works at the Game Stop store
but was afraid to ask her out because she’s flirty with everyone.
Well, he took my advice and watched her talk to everyone and
decided that she’s a little nicer to him then anyone else, so he asked
her out and she said yes and he’s all happy. See, my advice actually WORKS!
Finally, not really an update, but…
No, it wasn’t fazed.
Possums are indestructible, evil beasts… the unholy marsupial
sluts of Satan Himself.
Anyway, let’s answer some questions.
nice people.” Ha haw haw!
I’m sure the gay community appreciates your nod of approval.
you say will change her mind. Let
her have at it with the dykes. She
might like it AND she’ll learn a few new tricks.
there is a reason girls like us men.
I mean, we’re hairy, sweaty, we smell, we’re rough, have no
finesse, and are selfish… why would girls want to hop on top of us? We’re DISGUSTING!!
right, it’s because we have penises… something no chick has.
(Dildos don’t count because they aren’t as cute as our nice
pink ones… nor are they as soft… or as warm)
why do you care? She’s
just a friend. No jealousy
let her have fun. Playing
around with other girls is pretty harmless.
She isn’t ruining anything.
you’ll never be closer to scoring a little, what the French like to
le three way… ho ho… hee hee…. oui oui!
you have your OWN problems to worry about anyway? I know I do… which is why I went a month between columns
next one pertains to one’s sanity. So
naturally, I brought in a pitch hitter to assist me with the answer:
The state of the human mind when it’s functioning with reason,
rationale, and within its full capacity.
The entire above statement only with the word “not”
sandwiched between “it’s” and “functioning”.
I believe you’re going insane? I
think you’re already there, jack.
You’re bipolar. Clinically,
you’re as nuts as the Joker.
very brief opinion is that you want to kick babies and push grandma down
the stairs with sadistic glee only because you’re hurt, frustrated,
and mired deep in self-pity. My
life sucks so excuse me while I crap all over yours and laugh my ass off
- that type of thing.
this is very foreign territory for me, having never been bipolar and
having no plans on changing that. So
I’m going to do you a favor and turn this question over to someone who
can give you a long, smart, well-thought out answer that would only
contain half the bullshit anything I came up with would.
So here is one of the only three people to EVER be on two
different sites with me at the same time, and the man who once took
great delight in nicknaming me “Rasputin” (not to mention
“pigfucker” and “an official piece of shit”):
“Name And Address
Withheld is a diagnosed bipolar. Good, so am I. There are more of us
than you think, so he/she/it isn't alone out there.
There you go.
Yes, you are as nutty as a Snickers Bar, but there might, just
might be hope.
Let’s see if I
have this straight:
1) You’re broke.
2) You’re about to be stuck with several new housemates which
sucks because you prefer to be alone. (Actually, you’re already there
as I’ve had this question for a few weeks now)
3) You may want to become a pothead and spend all your money on
pursuing that goal.
4) You’re good looking, but shy with girls.
specifically do you need help with?
Okay, one at a time:
1) you’re in college. Everyone’s
supposed to be broke. Go
wait tables or sell cars or something.
(Actually, selling cars is a real good way to make money, and if
you suck at it, they won’t fire you for at least 4-6 months.)
2) No one’s perfect. You
have new housemates because you fucked up.
When you feel pissed or want to be alone, go hang out at the
library or something. Or
try to be more social - Being alone sucks if you’re not prepared for
it (I’m alone a lot and function quite well because I’ve had a
lifetime of practice and now am quite good at it).
Deal with these people and get to know them.
You may end up enjoying their company.
And don’t sweat the “when I get pissed I need to isolate
myself!” act. Who are you, the Incredible Hulk? Let the anger go, brother.
Just breathe it out. Your
soul is a calm, serene place that can handle a few pebbles being dropped
into it. Just count to ten
and ride out the ripples, man. It
sounds trippy, but it really does work.
Just keep in mind that you are dealing with real people with
different emotions. Don’t
let them get to you.
3) Pot is a “recreational activity” which means you only
should partake in it in moderate doses.
Doing pot all the time is for losers.
Here’s a deal for you: only do it WITH these housemates who are
infringing on your personal space.
Never do it alone. You
get the best of both worlds like that.
4) Nice thing about college girls is that most of them are
horny. Just keep your ass
in situations where there are plenty of girls around, if you are as good
looking as you not a fag friend says, you’ll hook up.
What kind of name is
Now for something
are. Oh God. Let the poor kid do her thing, PLEASE.
just trying to work out her identity.
That’s all. She’s
just trying to be a unique individual.
She’s not hurting anyone, especially herself.
She’s simply experimenting with self-expression.
Tell your wife to stop being so selfish.
Be PROUD of the kid for getting things done.
Most 16 year olds are whiny, spoiled imbeciles.
You two are LUCKY.
it’s been a while since we addressed a question about dating girls…
the tests. If the girl is
talking to you for hours at a time, she’s into you.
okay, you baby. Start
getting deeper into the sexual innuendos when you speak with her. Make sure she understands that you think of her in sexual
terms. If she reciprocates,
jump in. If she blows it
off, then you’ve been her long talk over the phone buddy for too long
and she now considers you her friend… you are officially screwed.
jeeze, here we go. Very
simple, during one of these marathon phone calls say: “You know, I’m
hungry. Are you hungry? Let’s continue this over dinner somewhere.”
Then take her out. Feed her, loosen her up with some beer or wine, take her out
for a nice walk… whatever… then at the end of the night, drop her
off and go for a little kiss on the mouth.
Guess what champ, you just had a date.
The ball is in play; let’s see what she does with it.
perseverance is a virtue. You
might as well keep it up. You’ve
got nothing to lose.
has enough writers. More
is a never say die attitude. Obsession
is when you spend practically every waking minute concentrating on one
particular thing. BIG
from this letter, you seem to be a “personality” writer, where your
views and personality share equal space with the subject matter.
Maybe that’s the problem?
Most sites HATE personality writers, most readers do too.
That’s the problem with you new writers, you’re so intent on
introducing yourself to the new reader that you put the subject matter
– the topic people have clicked to actually read about – in the
background. It doesn’t
work that way. It’s not
how I started. You write
EXCLUSIVELY about what you are supposed to write about first, and then,
over the weeks, you gradually inject your own personality into the
would also suggest you look into getting the stuff you do in your local
newspaper, (assuming you aren’t just sending in letters to the editor)
put on the “wire”.
You’re full of
I’m sorry, but I
don’t believe a word of this.
But the hell with
it, I’ll play.
First of all, 18
years old is NOT “late in life”, not even remotely near the vicinity
of close. You’re 18;
you’re as dumb as a box of dildos.
You don’t know shit. You
have LOTS AND LOTS of room to change that sparkling personality of
Second of all,
despite what every religion, law, and moral responsibility sitting in my
soul says suicide IS a viable option down the road.
Look, if you’re miserable, always have been miserable, and see
no shot at ever being anything other than miserable for the next 50
years, I see no reason why you shouldn’t just end it all.
Who knows what lies on the other side?
A chance to get into a new body and try it all over again with a
better equipped mind? It’s
the great unknown, the ultimate gamble.
Heck, even if we just wink out of existence, it won’t be like
we’ll experience it. Jeeze,
I’ve thought about it. I’m
thinking about it right now. I
may even do it one day (and boy, that will be one HELL of a final
column… one that you’ll be talking about for years).
However you owe it
to God and yourself to exhaust every single option you have for a better
life before packing it in. I’m
not sure if I can help, but I think I can serve up some food for thought
as you decide what to do.
You said, “Problem
is, any change in my thinking requires a complete deletion of who I
So what? You
actually LIKE who you are? Bullshit,
if you did, you wouldn’t be writing to me.
Delete your ass. Wipe
the slate clean. Scared?
Why? Whoever the
“new you” will be, he’ll be a heck of a lot more fun to be with
than the sack of misery I’m talking to now.
No, he won’t be perfect, but no one is.
Let me say that
again, NO ONE IS PERFECT! No
one. Everyone is half an
angel and half an asshole. Why
are you scared of talking to people?
They are no different from you.
They all have two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes, one
head, and one asshole. They are made up of the same organic matter, in almost the
same exact way, as you are. They
are not better than you, and you are not better than them. Some are idiots, some are geniuses, but most are somewhere in
the middle…. And 85% of them are genuinely good people.
Keep that in mind.
You are not a stranger in a strange world surrounded by aliens.
You are at home. Everyone
you see is a housemate. Everyone
is a brother or a sister. Most
of us will be nice to you if you are nice to us.
You are not special.
Stop acting like you are.
Oh, and most of us
are just as terrified of rejection as you are.
Now, here’s an
exercise for you. I want
you to start practicing looking people right in the eye.
stare dead ass right into their eyes.
Do not blink.
Good, now as you do
that, I want you to practice smiling.
Try keeping it on your face all the time.
hand shaking. Stick your
hand out so that the thumb is facing up.
Firmly grasp the person’s hand, don’t squeeze but don’t be
a limp pussy either. Firm
squeeze, two confident pumps, let go.
Don’t look now,
but you just did the most basic social act in civilization.
Now that wasn’t hard, was it?
Now go see a shrink
for help with the rest of it.
Doesn’t bother me at all.
I think my
readership is a lot more varied than most people think.
I also think that people generally hesitate when asking others
for advice, especially in a public forum like this. Takes a lot of balls, quite frankly.
I will cheerfully
admit that a healthy chunk of my audience is of (or close to) college
age, so being confused about these whacky women is as natural as morning
wood and binge drinking.
The funny part is
that most people living on this planet have insecurity issues.
I generally just
fart around with the usual stuff… I like hitting Harry Knowles ain’t
it cool site for movie news, I enjoy downloading trailers and music
videos. I also like checking out amazon .com for book summaries and
reviews. I’ll go hunt
down some Trish Stratus galleries for some quality spank time.
There are a couple of web blogs that interest me for some reason.
Then I like to go to the 411 forums and fuck with some kid’s
profile and posts just because he’s a moron.
Most of my time, of course, is spent searching for free kiddie
It’s pretty lame
actually. Hate to say.
Dear Pussy (HA!!
I crack myself up)
I submit that you
didn’t actually enjoy writing, but you enjoyed what writing did, which
was take you away to a different world, one better than yours.
Now that your life
is better, you feel no need to escape to the one you created.
By the way, people
who write strictly as a means to escape usually make piss-poor writers.
Because it’s not about the story with them, it’s about
creating THEIR ideal world, which, nine times out of ten, is virtually
impossible for other people to properly interpret.
In other words, you write for you, in your inner-language, which
is impossible for anyone else to interpret.
If you want to make
a serious go at writing, then write every day.
Also READ… read like a motherfucker, read everything:
all types of genres from all types of authors.
See how the pros do it (and Scott Keith does NOT count).
inspires writing, and apparently, you need inspiration.
Last one then we
close up shop
Ray, I’m going to
make this real simple for you, and then I’m going to yell at you a
Ask out the co-worker. She
wants it and you want it. No
strings attached. Don’t
fall in love, just have yourself a pleasant little few months and enjoy
life. Plus you need
practice. Go nuts on her as
you get ready for the main event. Go
for the kiss and make it a juicy one. (One day I’ll reveal my fool proof, utterly mind blowing
end of the date first kiss goodnight method).
Now, make sure your
little cheerleader friend knows about your affair.
This’ll make her completely jealous and will hopefully prompt
her to quit screwing around and go for it with you.
See, she knows you like her, so she’s just waiting around until
something better comes along, knowing full well that you’ll be there
if and when she needs you. However,
once she learns that you’re involved with someone, she’ll get
nervous and move more quickly.
You’ll get the girl of your dreams.
How ‘bout that, huh?
Now here’s where I
yell at you. What is this
bullshit about her being “way out of your league” and you are so
taken with her that your “mind goes blank and you can’t think of a
thing to say”? Dude, shut up. Shut
the fuck UP. Are you
stupid? She’s just
another chick with a kid; the world’s filled with them.
Ms Big Time High School Cheerleader… who the fuck CARES?
You’re 23… High School stopped being relevant about 10
seconds after graduation. She’s
just another cute chick with a kid… and here you are all pussy-whipped
without as much as a kiss. Man,
that’s so LAME.
I don’t care how
noble she is. I don’t
care how sweet she is. I
don’t care if she feeds homeless lepers out of the trunk of her Jetta
on her days off. She is
just another chick, one who seems to enjoy keeping you at arm’s length
for the time being. Stop
being so impressed with her.
Look, I can tell you
like her a lot, and I guess she likes you too.
But for God’s sake man, take the initiative with her. Be a man. Take
control. Good things WILL
come to you if you do. She
is NOT all that. She just
Follow my advice and
enjoy all the sex you’re about to have… and by God, you might even
find a little thing some of us like to call love.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
Ironically, here I
am spouting on about finding love when it’s painfully clear to me that
I’ll never find it. I’m
not exactly LOOKING for it either, and really don’t plan on it anytime
soon or far.
Do as I say, but not
as I do… because few people could handle the way I approach things.
But it works for me, and I’m reasonably happy in that regard,
so it all works out.
Where’s my gun?
Anyway, I’m out.
I need more questions to advice upon, so get going… hurry up
before I really do pull the trigger.