HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

 - Chris Hyatte

It’s been a while.  I have my reasons.  Never you mind what.  Let’s just say that life isn’t all roses for even the Mighty Hyatte and… well… never mind. 

What fascinates me about that MTV show Newlyweds is that while it’s having a minimal effect on enhancing Jessica Simpson’s career, it’ll probably end up making her husband Nick  a genuine, honest-to-goodness successful solo act!  That’s the real story about this show; a third-tier member of a third tier boy band quietly manipulated his new wife’s vanity project into a stepping stone for a Timberlake-level breakout.  Now all we need to see if he has some actual talent. 

The OTHER amazing part of this show is that these two Newlyweds apparently never have sex.  When did Disney take over MTV?  Or is Jessica’s “people” still consumed with getting her over as a “virgin”, despite now being married? 

How about a little feedback to start off this shindig? 

Well, for starters, remember the last column where the guy who lives with his wife and a stripper and, after two years of hot sex has learned that he has a brain tumor?  Well, not only did he write to thank me for the advice, but the two GIRLS wrote to me with thanks as well.  Modesty, and the sincerity of the letters prevent me for posting them, but let me just say that the girls have invited me to… well… let’s just say they were very, very sweet (so long as I do NOT look like Scott Keith, which, I assured them AND you that I don’t).  Thanks kids, I hope all works out well with all of you.  It’s nice to be reminded that sometimes I really do touch people when I want to. 

Also from the last column was the kid in college who is a bit chubby, a bit paranoid, and looking for some love.  I told him to get his ass to the gym pronto.  He wrote to say that he did and also strongly suggested that I was a little too mean to him with my advice.  Sorry, bro’ but sometimes tough love is the only way to get it into your heads.  Just remember, this is not personal.  I don’t know any of you.

 Then there was the guy from my September 5^th column who had eyes for the flirty girl who works at the Game Stop store but was afraid to ask her out because she’s flirty with everyone.  Well, he took my advice and watched her talk to everyone and decided that she’s a little nicer to him then anyone else, so he asked her out and she said yes and he’s all happy.  See, my advice actually WORKS! 

Finally, not really an update, but… 

I'm reading some of your "old" Guide to Life columns. Good stuff.

Got to your story about hitting the possum, and it not even being fazed.
The SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME, right down to the disbelief that it was
running away in my rearview mirror.

I hit mine with the front AND back left tires - like going over a speed
bump too fast. And it continued across the street.

I prefer to think that it was mortally wounded and found some bush to
curl under and die.

Keep up the good work. 

No, it wasn’t fazed.  Possums are indestructible, evil beasts… the unholy marsupial sluts of Satan Himself. 

Fear them. 

Anyway, let’s answer some questions. 

Hyatte,

I'm having some second thoughts about writing this since it's not specifically about me, but I think it's worth getting some advice on.  

I met this girl about 8 years ago. I was 19, she was 20. We were working together and, me being a 19 year old guy and her being a reasonably attractive 20 year old woman, I always had a thing for her. Did for a long time. I was a shy 19 year old guy and thought she was way out of my league, though. She's a reasonably attractive girl (not a bombshell, but I think they're mostly overrated anyway) and I thought I had no chance with her. So, I ended up in the friend zone and that actually turned out being better. I learned by watching the type of guys she dated and her general course of action that she is totally dysfunctional when it comes to relationships.  

About the time we met, she found out she was pregnant, so there's a kid in the picture, too. This all (dysfunctional relationships... a kid at 20) stems from the fact that her parents divorced when she was young and her mom (whom she was living with) was anything but a great role model.  

On to the specifics. After I saw her date a string of crappy guys during the first 4 years I knew her, she finds a guy who seems perfect for her and they date for a couple years. Everything seems well enough and they get married. Fast forward 2 years to now and she's divorcing him claming she is no longer in love with him and doesn't think it's fair to him to prevent him from finding someone who is in love with him. On top of this, she claims she's no longer in love with him because she believes she's a lesbian and has been hiding it from herself her entire life. She claims she's always thought women were more attractive going back to age 4 (how can either gender be attractive in THAT WAY at 4??). I've known a number of women who think the female figure is more pleasing to the eye but that doesn't make them lesbians. She also claims that women sexually excite her more by far. I think it's probably just a demoralizing effect of her failure with men.  

Personally, I think she's just confused due to her string of failures as far as relationships go.  I know I can't convince her of this. That's something she has to do on her own, but at the same time, I don't want to see her go off on a rebellious streak and realize later that she has ruined the next 5 or 10 or however many years of her life due to low self-esteem. I really do care deeply about her.  

To put my feelings for her in perspective, if you replace the dog with her in the choice between great sex for life and unconditional love with no sex, I'd seriously have to think about it.  

Any thoughts? What should I tell her (aside from the choice between great sex and her)? How big a loser am I?  

P.S. For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with homosexuality and I don't think less of anyone for being gay. I have been acquainted with many gays and lesbians over the years and they are some of the coolest people I have known. Didn't remain particularly close friends with any of them mainly due to meeting most in college and they were from out of state and heading back soon. Our circles of interests typically didn't have a lot in common either. Still, nice people. 

“Still, nice people.”  Ha haw haw!  I’m sure the gay community appreciates your nod of approval. 

Nothing you say will change her mind.  Let her have at it with the dykes.  She might like it AND she’ll learn a few new tricks. 

Besides, there is a reason girls like us men.  I mean, we’re hairy, sweaty, we smell, we’re rough, have no finesse, and are selfish… why would girls want to hop on top of us?  We’re DISGUSTING!! 

Oh, right, it’s because we have penises… something no chick has.  (Dildos don’t count because they aren’t as cute as our nice pink ones… nor are they as soft… or as warm) 

But why do you care?  She’s just a friend.  No jealousy there, right? 

Relax… let her have fun.  Playing around with other girls is pretty harmless.  She isn’t ruining anything. 

Besides, you’ll never be closer to scoring a little, what the French like to call,  ménage le three way… ho ho… hee hee…. oui oui! 

Don’t you have your OWN problems to worry about anyway?  I know I do… which is why I went a month between columns here. 

This next one pertains to one’s sanity.  So naturally, I brought in a pitch hitter to assist me with the answer: 

Do you believe one can tell if they are going insane or not? I am diagnosed bipolar and sometimes wonder if I might have another mental problem. I have urges to do things sometimes, like kicking an injured person in same said injury and things of that like. A lot of violence issues really. Is this normal in your opinion or am I going into a bad place here?

withhold name and email address  

“Sane”:  The state of the human mind when it’s functioning with reason, rationale, and within its full capacity. 

“Insane”:  The entire above statement only with the word “not” sandwiched between “it’s” and “functioning”. 

Do I believe you’re going insane?  I think you’re already there, jack.  You’re bipolar.  Clinically, you’re as nuts as the Joker. 

My very brief opinion is that you want to kick babies and push grandma down the stairs with sadistic glee only because you’re hurt, frustrated, and mired deep in self-pity.  My life sucks so excuse me while I crap all over yours and laugh my ass off - that type of thing. 

But this is very foreign territory for me, having never been bipolar and having no plans on changing that.  So I’m going to do you a favor and turn this question over to someone who can give you a long, smart, well-thought out answer that would only contain half the bullshit anything I came up with would.  So here is one of the only three people to EVER be on two different sites with me at the same time, and the man who once took great delight in nicknaming me “Rasputin” (not to mention “pigfucker” and “an official piece of shit”):  Eric Szulczewski… 

“Name And Address Withheld is a diagnosed bipolar. Good, so am I. There are more of us than you think, so he/she/it isn't alone out there.

Bipolar illness is characterized by bursts of energy that can last anywhere from minutes to weeks, followed by periods of depression that can last for similar periods. What NAAW is referring to is what's happening to he/she/it during the depressive phases. He/she/it is saying that there's some manifestation of desire for violence as part of that depression. This is also common among bipolars. It's called "active-aggressive tendencies". Again, I also have those, so I know what's going down here with NAAW.

The point here is that it's part and parcel of the condition. It's the way your mind works to help cope with the depressive phases. Other ways include withdrawal and panic attacks. As a general rule, it gets worse during the winter months, so NAAW might feel these urges more often between, say, October and March. A good SSRI like Paxil or Lexapro might help to reduce this.

As a sufferer of these conditions, I can't recommend strongly enough that this person seeks psychiatric help. A mental health professional can determine the nature of the disorder and the proper course of treatment. As for being "normal", yeah, it is normal for a person with our common condition. As long as those urges aren't acted upon and NAAW sees a shrink, stat, he/she/it should be okay.

Eric” 

There you go.  Yes, you are as nutty as a Snickers Bar, but there might, just might be hope. 

Here’s a question that a lot of us can relate to, I think… and it almost has NOTHING to do with chicks… it’s about fucking up and paying for it.

Hey Hyatte,

Here's one for you to try and work out. I don't know if I'll follow your advice to the

word, but I would like to get the opinion of an impartial (and faceless) assessment of my situation.  

I have spent the last year pissing about doing jack-shit at University. I think I may have fucked up pretty bad, as my money woes are crap and I did diddly-squat work.  

Fortunately, it was the first year and the none of the marks go towards my final degree. Unfortunately, I can't sign up for my second year yet because the bastards in administration fucked up my bank standing order and I have accomadation fees for the last year to pay off. They've advised me to take a year out and work off the debt, which is what I intend to do. I want to get rid of the evil creation that was "the overdraft" and start from scratch in a year's time.  

I have plenty of other personal life issues that can stress me out (but I won't bore you with them), suffise to say I have had some depressing times these past few months in a town 300 miles from my home and with a group of guys that I consider friends but not yet CLOSE friends (I lived with them in Uni residence last year). I have a great dislike for confrontations and have never been in a serious argument or fight in my life. When I'm in a pissed-off mood I always isolate myself from people, because I figure that I'll calm down in a few days (which I usually do by watching a funny movie or something) and that I shouldn't make them suffer because of my temper. I also stay out of people's way for a couple of days if I think I'm annoying them with my presence.  

The problem with that is that in a few days time I'll have my housemates for the next year join me and I'll find it very hard to keep to myself, I worry that I'll piss people off more than I usually do, and that I may actually get into a proper confrontation with someone (which I hate witnessing, let alone the idea of being in one).  

One of the guys I'm living with I've known since I was five, and has been a close friend ever since. The other is a guy who he lived with last year who shares my love for pro-wrestling, but we've not really got to know each other much. The place we're living in is pretty damn small, and since my room is the largest it will also act as the lounge/living room, so from having an entire house to myself for three months, in the next few weeks I won't really have my own room except when the others are out, working or asleep (I haven't even figured out what the fuck I'll do if I ever have a girl around). One things for sure, I'll have to quit the naked jumping jack sessions. :)  

Anyways, the friends from the previous place are all big dope smokers. They frankly have blown most of their own money on that stuff (whereas I've spent it on pizza, CDs and DVDs) and they do about half of the stuff I can be bothered to do (and that's very little, I can tell you). I'm not ultra-conservative or anything, I believe that everyone should have personal freedoms and do whatever they want to do in the privacy of their own home, so I was fine with hanging around with them whilst they got stoned. They would regularly offer for me to join, but I'm a pretty clean-living person (I don't smoke, I rarely drink, don't take drugs, other than pizzas I'm a pretty healthy eater). The other day I semi-succumbed to peer pressure (although I knew I'd always try it out some day or another) and I got stoned with them.  

To be honest with you it felt great, and I finally understand why they get stoned so much. I'm now really torn as to what to do. I want to be saving up my money, so blowing it all on dope like my friends is out of the question. My friend since I was five is even more clean-living than I am (he's completely teetotal), so I doubt he'd take kindly to seeing my smoking dope in a house he's co-habiting with me. I don't have a clue what my other roommate will think (I think he's smoked dope in the past but he gave it up about six months months ago, but I may be wrong and thinking of another person).  

The other thing is when I made my way home and put on some music, I enjoyed the feeling of being stoned even more when I was on my own in the dark. The next time I went over I declined their offers (which were a bit harder than before). I'm beginning to think of just buying my own stuff and every once in a while getting stoned on my own at night after a hard day.  

I don't know what advice you can give me as I've pretty much just summed up my life. I'm an insular person, I suppose, but I do like the company of others (I volunteered to have the room which will act as a lounge because it seemed like my room would be like Monica's apartment in Friends, or something). As far as girls are concerned, I'm extremely shy around them, and the ribbing I got from my friends back home didn't exactly boost my confidence. I was shocked when one of my stoner friends said he was surprised I was bad around girls because he thought I was very good looking (I'm not lying! And he wasn't gay).  

Whatever you want to tell me, I'd appreciate it.  

Nardo 

Let’s see if I have this straight: 

1)  You’re broke.

2)  You’re about to be stuck with several new housemates which sucks because you prefer to be alone. (Actually, you’re already there as I’ve had this question for a few weeks now)

3)  You may want to become a pothead and spend all your money on pursuing that goal.

4)  You’re good looking, but shy with girls. 

And what specifically do you need help with? 

Okay, one at a time:  1) you’re in college.  Everyone’s supposed to be broke.  Go wait tables or sell cars or something.  (Actually, selling cars is a real good way to make money, and if you suck at it, they won’t fire you for at least 4-6 months.)   

2)  No one’s perfect.  You have new housemates because you fucked up.  When you feel pissed or want to be alone, go hang out at the library or something.  Or try to be more social - Being alone sucks if you’re not prepared for it (I’m alone a lot and function quite well because I’ve had a lifetime of practice and now am quite good at it).   Deal with these people and get to know them.  You may end up enjoying their company.  And don’t sweat the “when I get pissed I need to isolate myself!” act.  Who are you, the Incredible Hulk?  Let the anger go, brother.  Just breathe it out.  Your soul is a calm, serene place that can handle a few pebbles being dropped into it.  Just count to ten and ride out the ripples, man.  It sounds trippy, but it really does work.  Just keep in mind that you are dealing with real people with different emotions.  Don’t let them get to you. 

3)  Pot is a “recreational activity” which means you only should partake in it in moderate doses.  Doing pot all the time is for losers.  Here’s a deal for you: only do it WITH these housemates who are infringing on your personal space.  Never do it alone.  You get the best of both worlds like that. 

4)  Nice thing about college girls is that most of them are horny.  Just keep your ass in situations where there are plenty of girls around, if you are as good looking as you not a fag friend says, you’ll hook up. 

What kind of name is “Nardo” anyway? 

Now for something really different: 

OK fellow Rhode Islander, I have a nice little one for ya, one that isn't laced with teenage hormones or regret. It's a parental matter that I seek your guidance on. I know you do not have children yourself, but let's face it you are Hyatte and can help.

My wife and I have been married for 18 years and it's been great, we always are able to discuss parenting issues between us and come up with an amicable solution, except for one issue.

The problem is my 16 year old daughter, she dresses like a Goth. Yes it is embarrassing for me to see my little girl in public like that and no I am not happy about it either, here comes the but. She gets straight A's in school. She has never been in trouble with school or the law. She always tells me where she is going, who she is going to be with and always come home before curfew. She never comes home drunk or shows any sign of drug use. She holds down a part time job, bought her own car, pays her own insurance and cell phone bills and never asks me for money. She never gives us any other problems either, for instance when we say no, she excepts it, doesn't put up a fight or talk back, she is extremely mature and responsible for her age. When we are expecting company, going to church or when she works, she dresses normally.Therefore I am willing to suffer the embarrassment of her dressing that way, I figure it's her one and only vice and we are lucky to have an issue with our daughter that is so trivial, so why not let her dress like that. It's a phase that will pass I constantly tell my wife. She disagrees and says we should put a stop to it immediately, for no other reason than it is embarrassing to her. Hyatte who is right here, me or my wife?

Please withhold my email address please 

You are.  Oh God.  Let the poor kid do her thing, PLEASE. 

She’s just trying to work out her identity.  That’s all.  She’s just trying to be a unique individual.  She’s not hurting anyone, especially herself.  She’s simply experimenting with self-expression.  Tell your wife to stop being so selfish.  Be PROUD of the kid for getting things done.  Most 16 year olds are whiny, spoiled imbeciles.  You two are LUCKY. 

Easy.   

Well it’s been a while since we addressed a question about dating girls… soooo: 

I'm 20, I'm in college. And I've really fell for this girl who I work with at this restaurant near campus. She's just awesome and I want to pursue something with her. she's a really sweet girl. Great personality, super-model body, and just a sweet girl. When she straightens her hair she looks like Katie Holmes at times.

My question is simple- how do I know if this girl wants to hook up with me?  I mean, we talk on the phone almost every single day for hours at a time,  and at work it's nonstop flirt-fest. But she's just a very flirty person in general. I dunno, I'm afraid if I make a move she'll be all, "hey, watch it!! I like you as a friend".

Hell, I know I should just be like "ahhh fuck all this analyzation, just GO
for it". but still.

How do you know if a girl wants to get with you? Any tests I could give her? Any help would be great.

Thanks,

Joe R. 

Screw the tests.  If the girl is talking to you for hours at a time, she’s into you. 

Simple. 

Oh, okay, you baby.  Start getting deeper into the sexual innuendos when you speak with her.  Make sure she understands that you think of her in sexual terms.  If she reciprocates, jump in.  If she blows it off, then you’ve been her long talk over the phone buddy for too long and she now considers you her friend… you are officially screwed. 

Oh jeeze, here we go.  Very simple, during one of these marathon phone calls say: “You know, I’m hungry.  Are you hungry?  Let’s continue this over dinner somewhere.”  Then take her out.  Feed her, loosen her up with some beer or wine, take her out for a nice walk… whatever… then at the end of the night, drop her off and go for a little kiss on the mouth.  Guess what champ, you just had a date.  The ball is in play; let’s see what she does with it. 

Alright, Hyatte.

Here's a question you may not field too often. I'm a 20 year old wrestling fanatic (although lately ashamed to admit it) who also enjoys writing. I've spent some time writing columns for a local newspaper.

I am a visually handicapped, atheist, partial anarchist, person which leads to some interesting point of views. I've been told that I make good points and express myself well. My writing makes people think. I also have an active sense of humor that gets incorperated in to most of my writing. (you'll forgive me. it's been a while since i got a verbal blowjob, so i've had to resort to veral masturbation.") So, for the reasons above I've tried to get some different columnist positions on the internet, with no success as of yet. I even sent a piece here (1ryderfakin) simply for the mystery columnist section just to get my stuff read and it hasn't been posted.

So, question is basically this. At what point does persistance become obsession? (maybe not the right word.) But at the same time at some point you just have to stop sending stuff in and tell yourselff that no one's biting on your stuff, and maybe you just don't have it. I've sent things in to 411 when they're hiring, to Flea here and a few other places but I have no interest in sending work to some of the bumfuck sites on the internet. I'd rather not be posted than posted on some of the pop-up filled second hand sites. I've got some interesting views that I would like to get out
there... but at what point is it time to take that ego-shot and pack it in?

Thanks

Frustrated. 

Actually, perseverance is a virtue.  You might as well keep it up.  You’ve got nothing to lose. 

411 has enough writers.  More than enough. 

Persistence is a never say die attitude.  Obsession is when you spend practically every waking minute concentrating on one particular thing.  BIG difference there. 

Judging from this letter, you seem to be a “personality” writer, where your views and personality share equal space with the subject matter.  Maybe that’s the problem?  Most sites HATE personality writers, most readers do too.  That’s the problem with you new writers, you’re so intent on introducing yourself to the new reader that you put the subject matter – the topic people have clicked to actually read about – in the background.  It doesn’t work that way.  It’s not how I started.  You write EXCLUSIVELY about what you are supposed to write about first, and then, over the weeks, you gradually inject your own personality into the column.   

I would also suggest you look into getting the stuff you do in your local newspaper, (assuming you aren’t just sending in letters to the editor) put on the “wire”.   

Hello Chris. I have a question for your advice column if you'd be kind enough to answer it.

I'm an 18 year old in his first year of college. Several years ago (though I beleive I have had it all my life) I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Put most simply it is "intense shyness" though that is like saying a heart attack is "severe chest pains." In any event this has completely crippled my life from the beginning. I've never had friends. Ever. I go to psychiatrists and take Prozac/Buspar. I have spent my life in quiet disdain of those around me, a sort of peculiar rage about nothing in particular. I have never talked to people save when it is unavoidable. Conversations have been out of the question. Whenever I try to talk to some one I draw a complete blank and my mind recedes into a white state of panic.

I have only recently found that this is a problem. I know it sounds odd only now do I see that this is not the way to live. Suicide is a viable option somewhere down the road but I'm willing to give it a shot and see if there's any good in this world. Problem is, any change in my thinking requires a complete deletion of who I am. None of it can survive as it is all connected to this basic fear and hatred of everything.

I literally have not experienced any of the basic social skills that are naturally acquired throughout childhood. So how could one so late in life learn these things? Or is that even possible? I am lost as to how to go about doing this. What is your opinion? Thank you.

(Please leave off my e-mail address/name if you post this)

Dear (Please, 

You’re full of shit. 

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe a word of this. 

But the hell with it, I’ll play. 

First of all, 18 years old is NOT “late in life”, not even remotely near the vicinity of close.  You’re 18; you’re as dumb as a box of dildos.  You don’t know shit.  You have LOTS AND LOTS of room to change that sparkling personality of yours. 

Second of all, despite what every religion, law, and moral responsibility sitting in my soul says suicide IS a viable option down the road.  Look, if you’re miserable, always have been miserable, and see no shot at ever being anything other than miserable for the next 50 years, I see no reason why you shouldn’t just end it all.  Who knows what lies on the other side?  Hell?  Heaven?  A chance to get into a new body and try it all over again with a better equipped mind?  It’s the great unknown, the ultimate gamble.  Heck, even if we just wink out of existence, it won’t be like we’ll experience it.  Jeeze, I’ve thought about it.  I’m thinking about it right now.  I may even do it one day (and boy, that will be one HELL of a final column… one that you’ll be talking about for years).

However you owe it to God and yourself to exhaust every single option you have for a better life before packing it in.  I’m not sure if I can help, but I think I can serve up some food for thought as you decide what to do. 

You said, “Problem is, any change in my thinking requires a complete deletion of who I am.”  Yeah?  So what?  You actually LIKE who you are?  Bullshit, if you did, you wouldn’t be writing to me.  Delete your ass.  Wipe the slate clean.  Scared?  Why?  Whoever the “new you” will be, he’ll be a heck of a lot more fun to be with than the sack of misery I’m talking to now.  No, he won’t be perfect, but no one is. 

Let me say that again, NO ONE IS PERFECT!  No one.  Everyone is half an angel and half an asshole.  Why are you scared of talking to people?  They are no different from you.  They all have two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes, one head, and one asshole.  They are made up of the same organic matter, in almost the same exact way, as you are.  They are not better than you, and you are not better than them.  Some are idiots, some are geniuses, but most are somewhere in the middle…. And 85% of them are genuinely good people. 

Keep that in mind.  You are not a stranger in a strange world surrounded by aliens.  You are at home.  Everyone you see is a housemate.  Everyone is a brother or a sister.  Most of us will be nice to you if you are nice to us.   

You are not special.  Stop acting like you are. 

Oh, and most of us are just as terrified of rejection as you are.   

Now, here’s an exercise for you.  I want you to start practicing looking people right in the eye.  Everybody.  Just stare dead ass right into their eyes.  Do not blink. 

Good, now as you do that, I want you to practice smiling.  Try keeping it on your face all the time. 

Finally, practice hand shaking.  Stick your hand out so that the thumb is facing up.  Firmly grasp the person’s hand, don’t squeeze but don’t be a limp pussy either.  Firm squeeze, two confident pumps, let go.  

Don’t look now, but you just did the most basic social act in civilization.  Now that wasn’t hard, was it? 

Now go see a shrink for help with the rest of it. 

Does it bother you that, judging from these advice columns, that the majority of your readers seem to be losers with no self confidence and no clue what to do with a woman? Or did you already know that? Or do you think the questions aren't representative of your readership? 

JB 

Nope.  Doesn’t bother me at all. 

I think my readership is a lot more varied than most people think.  I also think that people generally hesitate when asking others for advice, especially in a public forum like this.  Takes a lot of balls, quite frankly. 

I will cheerfully admit that a healthy chunk of my audience is of (or close to) college age, so being confused about these whacky women is as natural as morning wood and binge drinking.  

The funny part is that most people living on this planet have insecurity issues.   

Hyatte-

Just curious as to which non-wrestling sites you frequent while on the web. Basically, I am looking for something to do other than work.

Thanks for the columns, keep up the great job.

-Sean 

I generally just fart around with the usual stuff… I like hitting Harry Knowles ain’t it cool site for movie news, I enjoy downloading trailers and music videos.  I also like checking out amazon .com for book summaries and reviews.  I’ll go hunt down some Trish Stratus galleries for some quality spank time.  There are a couple of web blogs that interest me for some reason.  Then I like to go to the 411 forums and fuck with some kid’s profile and posts just because he’s a moron.  Most of my time, of course, is spent searching for free kiddie porn.   

It’s pretty lame actually.  Hate to say. 

Hello,

Your advice column is great. I've seen few advise column which are straight no BS style advice and yours does it best(I thought I wiped the brown off my nose already?). I got a lot of shit I'd like advice on, but I'll ask for advice with the most predominant thing that worries me. Not, sex or relationships(shit that stuff will always come and go) but writing.  

I like to write short stories, fuck it's what I've always planned on doing. To lay it down, I used to write all the time growing up. Through junior high and high school. It's been my dream. I also used to live in one shitty household enviroment, we're talking probably a 7 on the richter scale here. Eventually got taken out by Child Protection when things got way way too serious. I was pretty old then too. Lived at a friends and worked/schooled my way through High School.  

Why am I telling you all that, because after High School I was planning on getting a job, my own place and to start writing. I know there's no money in it but what do I care, I wasn't doing it for the money. Anyway, everything went as planned except the writing. I find myself with a good job, good place to live, good girlfriend, and now the writing is all dried up. Looking back, I used to use it as a way to get away from my problems, but now that they're gone I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to write. But it is was what I had planned to do, now one of my major goals in life is wavering and I'm finding myself wondering what the fuck I'm doing.  

Should I just stop stressing myself about it and move on?

If you put this in your advice column could you not print my name, I know people who read you, and I'm a big pussy. Thanks!

-Big Pussy 

Dear Pussy (HA!!  I crack myself up) 

I submit that you didn’t actually enjoy writing, but you enjoyed what writing did, which was take you away to a different world, one better than yours. 

Now that your life is better, you feel no need to escape to the one you created. 

By the way, people who write strictly as a means to escape usually make piss-poor writers.  Because it’s not about the story with them, it’s about creating THEIR ideal world, which, nine times out of ten, is virtually impossible for other people to properly interpret.  In other words, you write for you, in your inner-language, which is impossible for anyone else to interpret. 

If you want to make a serious go at writing, then write every day.  Also READ… read like a motherfucker, read everything:  all types of genres from all types of authors.  See how the pros do it (and Scott Keith does NOT count). 

Reading usually inspires writing, and apparently, you need inspiration. 

Last one then we close up shop 

Hey Hyatte,  

I really appreciate you taking the time to answear everybody question, but here mine.

I 23 years old and just recently meant a girl who I went to high school with. We never talk , she was way out of my league, captain of the cheer squad, while I was your average student.  

Well anyway this girl just got out of a 6 year relationship the guy cheated on her, she also has a 3 year old son with him. This girl I call her ann is every bit as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, I know people say the prettier the girl the more of a bitch she is but she different. I always told myself the girl I would eventually end up marring would be a girl with the same characteristic and qualities as my mother and grandmother as she has then. She the type of person who puts other people first, beside raising her son singlehandly, she takes care and give medication to her ailing grandfather. I really enjoyed being in her prensence but the thing is from some reason I can't bring myself to really talk to her. When I around her my mind goes blank and I can't think of much to say, which is surprising since I usually talk to girls will ease. luckily everytime we go out we go out in group so it isn't that noticable (my friend is dating her cousin).  

About a month and a half after I first met her I ask her whether she though of me as a friend or as a possible boyfriend, her answear was right now only as a friend because it only been about 2-3 months since I broke up with my boyfriend and and I have my son to look after, but she did say "good thing come to those who wait".  

Well anyway about a couple of days later my friend was telling me that Ann was asking question about me such as , do I date I a lot,had I had a lot of girlfriends, do I dance, how do I dress when I go out, what kind of girls do I like.  

In fact he even said that one time before I ask her out , that after she had a big fight with ex-boyfriend over visitation, she said something to the effect of I need to find a nice man like Ray, He said he was swore to secrecy on the last part but only told me out of loyatly. Last week was her son birthday, so I got him a gift and was able to convice the most popular d.j in town to wish her son a happy birthday on the air.  

Well anyway I had to leave the party early cause of work but my friend said someone made the comment that her ex-boyfriend bought his son a lot of clothes, and she reply yeah anybody can buy a gift but not anybody can take the time to do what Ray did.Over all we gone out a bunch of time in group but never just me and her. The question I'm' asking is should I wait it out or should I look around. Her cousin and my friend says I should wait . Also there is this girl at work that is attractive thats wants me, which is obvious, my coworkers have told me this.  

Normally I would jump on this girl, but the thing is about a year ago while she was dating a coworker she ask me if I would sleep with her to get pay back for her boyfriend who cheated on her, I refused, I just can't do that to someone, well anyway she ended up cheating on her boyfriend with another coworker, but the thing is in the back of my mind there always the thought of if she cheated once she'll cheat again. 

P.S were going to go out again pretty soon as a group and am thinking of either asking her out again, or going for the jugular and kissing her and see if sparks fly. I know I asking like four question but I really would appreciate a view from an outside souce.  

thanks  

RAY SORRY IT LONG 

Ray, I’m going to make this real simple for you, and then I’m going to yell at you a bit, okay? 

Good.  Ask out the co-worker.  She wants it and you want it.  No strings attached.  Don’t fall in love, just have yourself a pleasant little few months and enjoy life.  Plus you need practice.  Go nuts on her as you get ready for the main event.  Go for the kiss and make it a juicy one.  (One day I’ll reveal my fool proof, utterly mind blowing end of the date first kiss goodnight method). 

Now, make sure your little cheerleader friend knows about your affair.  This’ll make her completely jealous and will hopefully prompt her to quit screwing around and go for it with you.  See, she knows you like her, so she’s just waiting around until something better comes along, knowing full well that you’ll be there if and when she needs you.  However, once she learns that you’re involved with someone, she’ll get nervous and move more quickly.   You’ll get the girl of your dreams.  How ‘bout that, huh? 

Now here’s where I yell at you.  What is this bullshit about her being “way out of your league” and you are so taken with her that your “mind goes blank and you can’t think of a thing to say”?  Dude, shut up.  Shut the fuck UP.  Are you stupid?  She’s just another chick with a kid; the world’s filled with them.  Ms Big Time High School Cheerleader… who the fuck CARES?  You’re 23… High School stopped being relevant about 10 seconds after graduation.  She’s just another cute chick with a kid… and here you are all pussy-whipped without as much as a kiss.  Man, that’s so LAME. 

I don’t care how noble she is.  I don’t care how sweet she is.  I don’t care if she feeds homeless lepers out of the trunk of her Jetta on her days off.  She is just another chick, one who seems to enjoy keeping you at arm’s length for the time being.   Stop being so impressed with her.   

Look, I can tell you like her a lot, and I guess she likes you too.  But for God’s sake man, take the initiative with her.  Be a man.  Take control.  Good things WILL come to you if you do.  She is NOT all that.  She just isn’t. 

Follow my advice and enjoy all the sex you’re about to have… and by God, you might even find a little thing some of us like to call love.  Wouldn’t that be nice? 

Bah 

Ironically, here I am spouting on about finding love when it’s painfully clear to me that I’ll never find it.  I’m not exactly LOOKING for it either, and really don’t plan on it anytime soon or far. 

Do as I say, but not as I do… because few people could handle the way I approach things.  But it works for me, and I’m reasonably happy in that regard, so it all works out. 

Where’s my gun? 

Anyway, I’m out.  I need more questions to advice upon, so get going… hurry up before I really do pull the trigger.   

THIS IS HYATTE