HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE
- Chris Hyatte
It’s been a’while because… well… quite
frankly sitting down and giving long, thoughtful, honest advice is a lot
tougher than I thought.
See, I try very hard to give each person who
summons up the balls to ask me something their “money’s worth”, so
to speak. You write to me,
you deserve a well-rounded answer.
Man, it’s oddly tough.
Thank God Flea is paying me.
Anyway, let’s get going.
We’ll start off with an unusual change in pace.
This is an AIM chat where a guy asked me for some live & in
person advice. Call it the
Live Call-In portion of the column.
i got a quick question for the master of advice
is this something worthy of GTL?
should I go after the hot hippy stoner chick who's into yoga but
might be a groupie and has switched majors 4 times or the 19 year old
blonde exercise physiology major who works out almost everyday
why not both?
now that's a good answer
the 19 year old who is obsessed with her own hotness will have one
favorite topic, which she'll never quit talking about... can you name
actually she doesn't seem to conceited.
Both of them have a ton of guy friends though. I thought i had the hippy chick saw each other about 5 times,
told me to meet her at this bar all sweet like and then about 10
minutes in there she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. Right out of the blue
you did something to scare her away.
You made her uninterested.
She's done with you... go for the 19 yr old
must have been that let's get a pitcher idea i had.
She said she had just got out of a 4 year relationship
maybe your breathe smelled. Maybe
you had a snot in your nose
think I wasn't grooving to the music good enough
maybe so, who knows? My
impression is that she gave you a solid looksee and decided, for
whatever reason, that you weren't playable.
Nothing to be offended about... don't take it too personal
Would be nice to get a straight answer.
Oh those tricky girls
let it go. Not worth it
that's what I needed to hear
and this was totally GTL worthy.
In fact... I'm cutting and pasting it
want your name changed?
if you would
k.. pick a name then
Joe it is
Okay then, there’s
a tremendous backlog of questions to get to, many of them so old that
I’m SURE they were resolved already without my help, but what the
I've been a long time fan of the mop ups and I love the new column.
I'm hoping you can help out because no one else I know of has
ever given me any good advice on this.
I'm 25 and have never had a girlfriend.
I'm not a bad looking guy, but being that I'm 25, don't have
much experience with women (basically limited to a couple women I met
online and a couple hookers) and have never had a girlfriend, I
don't have much in the way
of confidence with women.
now I'm in grad school.
There are a lot of cute girls on campus, but NONE of them are
in my major (it was the same way for undergrad ... girls don't really
flock to computer-related stuff).
Its very frustrating to see kids 5 years younger than me having
more success with women, despite the fact they haven't done much with
their lives and still try to model themselves after Eminem.
I feel like I'm in bizarro-world, where the more retarded a guy
is, the hotter his girlfriend is.
I should be pulling women here, but instead I have no idea what
far the only things I've figured out to improve the situation is to
work out (since i'm fairly skinny), try to put on some muscle, and try
to stop caring so much whether I get shot down or not.
I'm not sure if I'm not having any luck here (I'm in florida)
because its incredibly obvious that I don't have confidence, or
whether girls don't like my look (I look ethnic).
though its not really my thing, I tried going to clubs and bars for a
Occasionally I would get a number, but whenever I called I
would either get the answering machine, or get brushed off.
I met a very cute girl on campus a couple weeks ago, and have
gotten the answering machine 3 times and one time I talked to her
briefly, but she was too busy to do anything that night and told me to
call back during the week (which I did, and got the answering
long as I can keep myself busy with school/work then I don't get too
depressed about the whole thing, but as soon as there is a break in
the work I of course start thinking about how boring my life is and
how frustrating it is to not be getting any dates whatsoever (I
haven't had a date in at least a year).
than working out, I don't know how to improve my situation.
I don't have enough money to be fucking hookers on a regular
I really have no idea how to approach women, how to ask them
On a date, so long as I've had a couple drinks, I'm not too
bad, its just everything before that that's a mess.
advice would be much appreciated.
Cut your hair short,
dye it blonde and where nothing but white t-shirts and tan khakis.
You’ll be the Eminem of the computer world!
This is what, my
tenth advice column now? And
all of them have had at least one question asking the most mysterious
question of all: Where can
I score some of that confidence shit?
Well, you can’t
buy confidence, it’s not on sale anywhere.
The closest thing to confidence is alchohol, but you have to be
very careful about your dosage or you’ll end up humiliating yourself.
You want confidence?
Fine, here’s how you get it:
You take stock of
who you are and what you’ll be doing in 5 years, more importantly, how
rich you’ll be in 5 years.
You take stock every
Eminem mack daddy you see and decide what he’ll be doing in 5 years,
more importantly, how rich he’ll be in 5 years.
You take stock of
all the girls flocking to those Eminem mack daddys you see and decide
what they’ll be doing in 5 years, more importantly, how rich they’ll
be in 5 years. For the
girls, you can throw in the number of kids these hoes will have popped
out by then too.
If you’re future
looks a hell of a lot better than theirs, and you carry yourself with
that knowledge, then presto, you are confidence personified.
Confident cats act
like they’ve already won the girl before they buy them their first
drink. If the girl has
other ideas, you simply say, “Oh?
Okay, no prob, have a good night” and move on.
And for the love of
Christ, stop getting their number.
You give them YOURS. Just
jot it down and shove it in their hand and say, “Well, I’m so and
so…. Here’s my number… you’ll fall in love with me after 15
minutes, so be careful.” Do
it cool-like, because no one likes an asshole.
You’re gonna get
laid, yo… it just takes patience.
This next question
is from a guy who wants to ROCK ON!!!
He wants to BANG HIS HEAD!!
But the question is, does his partner?
Can you go another SECOND without knowing the deal?
not sure why I'm coming to you with this...I don't know how much you
know about music, or being in a band or anything. But I want an
outside opinion so here it goes...
2 1/2 years ago myself, and a friend of mine got together to try and
put together a band. We went through the different stages of
bullshit, dealing with people that weren't really interested, finding
out each other's styles and what not. And things were rolling
along pretty well for the first year...then things started going
wrong. We had found a bassist [I was doing vocals, friend on
lead guitars], and had met up with some other kids[guitarist and a
drummer] to jam out...things seemed to be going well until my
friend began to get annoyed by the fact that the other guitarist
seemed to be better than he was.
argument at the next session lead to the drummer & guitarist
parting ways with us. This repeated itself each time we tried
out another guitarist, he was either frustrated that they weren't as
good as he was, or annoyed that they were better than him.
Eventually, our bassist bottomed out and skipped town on us...so I
took up learning bass, and have been progressing reasonably well.
However, since the last time we jammed with someone...around 9 months
ago, he seems to find something wrong with everyone I suggest jamming
with, and trying to find people through the internet, and at local
music stores has been unsuccessful at best.
on top of that my musical tastes have broadened, while his still
remain the same. We began this both of us being heavy into
Metallica, Pantera & Slayer, and some of the classic metal stuff
like Van Halen, and Black Sabbath. I got into extreme metal like
Cannibal Corpse, as well as a little classical music, punk, jazz &
blues...He took a strong disliking to the direction my tastes were
going, but then suddenly changed his views...and while I was thrilled
at first...lately it seems to me as though he's just been faking it,
only taking influences from the other genres when he sees that I'm not
grooving to any of the other stuff he's making, and he rarely seems to
get into the basslines I come up with, or any of the new bands I try
to show him. While my heart is still in making music, the drive
to continue playing with him has been fading week by week.
musical taste difference is irritating, but bearable if we could find
some other members...but that's where I think our problems begin.
I think that we have just become a poor combination of personalities
between his elitist attitude, and my binge-drinking, headbang and
break shit persona...He's driven off some people, and I even had to
put a beating on one of the guitarists we tried out for talking shit.
what's your opinion...do you think it's just the growing pains of any
young guys trying to get a band together...or do you think we just
don't make a good combination? Or perhaps you think it's
something I haven't even given thought to yet?
Who’s band is
this? Yours or his?
Are you any good?
No, seriously? Do you see any future with this guy? Do you see an actual career as a rock god here?
Now, are YOU any
good? Is he?
Be honest, who is better? Who
has the vision here? Which
one of you is Diana Ross and which one of you are the Supremes? Which of you is Ringo?
Here’s the deal,
Gregaman. Life is too short
to waste time with nonsense that won’t get you anywhere in life
(Whoa… irony just tapped me on the shoulder and said “howdy”).
If this guy’s better than you, stick with him and see just how
far his talent can lead you. If
you’re better thgan him, then dum,p him and find someone you can jell
with. If you’re both
equal in talent, then sit down and wonder if you two are really good
enough to make a career out of this.
If you see money and fame and rock godhood in this, then swallow
your frustration and PLAY that funky music, white boy.
I get the sense you
two are just screwing around anyway… then keep screwing around until
you’re good and ready to move on and get serious…. or beat the shit
out of him. Either way.
This next one is
about a topic is looking for advice on a topic that is rarely talked
about in advice columns...
know you are great about love advice, But I am wondering more about
the confidence advice.
know another daggone introvert writing you. I know you have probably
heard this alot but reading through your columns I have not seen(or at
least I think seen) a scenario similar to mine.
Years ago I would say I was a very insecure person. I worked out
because I wanted to look good for others. I would buy expensive
clothes. I would be quiet at almost all social gatherings because I
didn't want to be rude. I would treat everyone around to drinks or
dinner. Heck, I even would stand there and hold the door open for
everyone and their mother. I drank alot back then too. Well, I had
alot of friends or should I say acquaintances. I would hear some
people tell me I was being used by others but I didn't care because I
was constantly around people who said they cared, So I was happy.
Until one day I realized I was getting nowhere. I was spending so much
money at bars on myself and others and treating people to all types of
things(movies, dinners, et al....) and decided that I wanted to do
more for me.
it was a messy year after that point but I have gotten into a good
groove on saving. I stopped working out, I stopped drinking, I
stopped doing drugs, but I started talking more, and alot of the
friends/aquaitances fell to the side(I might talk to them once every
couple of months). I only kept around a few and that was because they
saw I was trying to change myself and were alot more supportive. Good
Friends that I didn't even realize were there. I was more forward
because I started to care less and less about what people thought of
me and wanted to just have fun my way.
I am kinda in a bind. My closest friends are used to the
generous, quiet nice guy I was but when I am not around them I am
actually confident, I don't worry about what anyone thinks and it lets
me be more loose and smile alot more.
throughout the day I notice I am becoming Dr Jekyl and Mr
Hyde. At work I am talkative, nice, confident and seems to be able to
draw people to me while outside of work I am always around one of my
good friends where I clam up and just smile and nod alot. I know I
rambled alot in there so I am going to try and edit this to make sense
without taking out the major points(Believe it or not, This was alot
worse). But, I am stuck on I made it over the confidence hump at work
and social gatherings for work but cannot get over the hump when I am
around my friends and we go out. I know my friends would support me
and probably even love the more talkative me I am at work
but yet I can't be myself around them. I was hoping you would
maybe give me a lil advice on that.
Please don't put my E-mail address out there because my roommate reads
you also and well he is one of the friends. Just call me John or
something like that, please.
Dear Mr. Or
Something Like That, (HAwr!! Hyatte
I’m of two trains
of thought here. The first
is wondering which is the “real” you – is it the confident,
talkative, regular extrovert at work or is it the quiet, reserved
introvert at home? Which
skin do you feel most comfortable in?
Believe it or not,
I’m actually an introvert. Introverts
are cool. They are
mysterious. They keep their
business to themselves. Someone,
I believe it was MTV VJ Mark Goodman once said, “T’is better to stay
silent and be considered a fool then to open your mouth and remove all
doubt”. Extroverts are
chatterboxes, and their favorite topics are themselves.
Being confident has
nothing to do with whether you talk a lot or not… confidence comes
from the INSIDE. The
INSIDE, DAMN YOU.
I think you’re
just naturally quiet, after all, with your friends you should be at your
most relaxed. Chill out
dude, being confident is essentially being comfortable in your own skin.
The hell are you so worried about?
And no more buying
rounds. Screw those
Moving on, I forget
what this guy was talking about, but out of nowhere he asked this
for my question; Which do you prefer, Long Cut Copenhagen, Fine cut
Copenhagen, or that nasty bourbon flavored Copenhagen?
Keep up the good work.
Fine cut… pure as
a virgin’s crackhole.
There was a time for
about a few years where I jumped to Skoal for some nutty reason.
It had its benefits. Nice,
minty taste. Easy to hawk out when you were finished.
Funny thing about
this is that while Copenhagen is probably the strongest brand of chew
out there (It’s like the Camel unfilters of chew), it doesn’t burn
out your mouth like other brands (Kodiac sticks out in my mind) do.
This is because they don’t put
as much chemicals in Copenhagen; it’s a mostly natural cut in
my name is Randy. I love your advice column, I read it everyday.
Anyway, I need some advice. I'm 18 years old. I've just started
college, but lately my life is getting kind of boring. I don't have a
car and I'm still working hard towards my license. I don't have any
friends. In fact to tell you the truth I've never really had any
friends before. Not in high school, kindergarden or in middle school.
Sometimes I feel trapped. I have to ask my parents to take me
everywhere. My Mom has a bad leg and is disabled, but usually takes me
everywhere I want to go.
problem is that I have no life. I've been around my parents and adults
all my life and really don't have that many friends. It sucks being
me. When other kids were getting their license all I was doing was
going online talking to people. I really don't know what to do man, my
house makes me feel trapped sometimes because I don't get out enough.
Like I said in the beginning I'm still working hard at getting my
license. But I don't know what to do when I get it. I live in a boring
town, no friends, 18 year old college student, never has had a
girlfriend, black male from Detroit. I'm not that tall either and I
don't think that many girls would want to date me. I'm really shy
around girls. Whenever I'm talking to one I just want to end the
conversation as quickly as possible because I don't know what to say.
Mom always tells me I'm attractive, well I'm certainly no pretty boy
nigga, but I don't know if girls find me attractive. I don't have that
much game or has never tried to kick it. My life consists of staying
at home playing video games and going online while getting my study
on. I don't watch TV that much because either there's usually nothing
on or I fall asleep. I suffer from depression when I get bored.
had to write a paper in my english class, well it was not really a
paper. Five paragraphs maximum, we were supposed to write about how we
feel trapped. I feel trapped all of the time dude. I go everywhere
with my Mom cuz she needs help getting around because of her bad leg,
on Saturdays my Dad and I go somewhere which usually ends up boring
the shit out of me. I can't lie, those car rides are hell for me.
don't get in trouble that much, but my Mom keeps the volume turned
down low and likes to talk alot. I wish she would turn up the music
man. My sister Jessica is in College and is living on campus. I'm
stuck living at home for my first year. I go out to Best Buy every
Friday, try to catch a movie as often as I can and go to the mall too.
I don't like being around adults mostly because I've been around
adults my whole life. In school I was the type of kid that was a
tattle tale, got made fun of, and got called retarded. I don't know
how to fight. My Mom tried to get me help.
saw this guy for like six weeks, UNTIL I DECIDED TO SAY FUCK THAT
I really don't know what to do. I get very bored when I'm at my house.
DA FUCK SHOULD I DO MAN?????????????????
Desparate 18 yr teen in Detroit.
should grow the fuck up and stop feeling so sorry for yourself.
I met this kid when I was a pee-wee league baseball player and we were
best friends from then (age 8) til about 21 years old.
Even though we went to different schools we always hung out.
We got drunk together, stoned together and everything else that
boys do growing up.
We were real tight.
the school year, not as much. But during the summer we always hung
Once I got my liscense(i'm a few months older) we were
dangerous. Lucky we aren't dead, or in jail dangerous.
I'll spare you our exploits since only we probably find them
We went to the same college together and things were cool until
We both had our own groups of friends, but we were still best
answer some of smart asses reading this, no we were not gay.
The problem occurred when he met this one particular girl.
Now we both had girlfriends before and it never cause a
But this one, well she was special to him.
She took his virginity and was pretty much a freak in the bed.
Imagine having a porn star as your first sexual girlfriend and
how cool it would be to be able to do whatever/whenever you wanted
with your first girl.
was not really the problem.
The problem was that she was controlling. Even though she was
from Rhode Island , which is like a world away from us, she still
didn't like it when he hung out with his old friends.
She felt uncomfortable because when he was with me and the rest
of his old friends, she was the outsider. Anyway, one by one, she
chased his friends away.
Either by being a bitch or just starting shit.
Its hard to explain how, but just trust me, she would always
gossip with everyone and even make stuff up to get people pissed at
it was just me, him and his girl left out of the group.
Then, she told him I was trying to get with her(a lie).
Like a dumbass he decides to try and kick my ass instead of
just asking if it was true.
We knocked other around the house for awhile and then it was
over. She admitted that she lied and I figured he would then get rid
of her. I was wrong.
She got him arrested for hitting her
(i don't know if it was true, but knowing her it probably
She did all kinds of thing that basically changed him from a
chilling guy to an anal retentive hard ass that was always starting
We don't talk anymore.
question is that after 4 years is it even worth trying to get back in
touch with my friend? We were real tight, but I think he might have
shown me his true colors by sucker punching me.
The underlying question would be, at my age (26), am I supposed
to not look back to my childhood friends anymore and just move on? Or
is there a reason to try and make things work with the people who were
with you when you didn't really have anything to offer.
You know, people
aren’t supposed to keep their childhood friends long into adulthood.
Which isn’t to say there’s anything WRONG with staying close
with people you grew up with, but nature sort of suggests that we grow
in body AND in mind, in order for the mind to grow it needs stimulus
from all sorts of new sources. Staying
with the same friend since childhood encourages stagnation, not
What you got to
witness first hand is the magical powers of the pussy.
This freak chick pretty much hypnotized your friend and made him
its bitch. When it was
over, he went from easy-going, laid back dude to anal retentive hard
ass… and someone you don’t like very much.
Guess what, he
would’ve changed anyway, with or without the girl.
It was just a matter of time before something triggered that
personality transformation. Is
his Dad anal retentive? If
so, then it was in your friend’s genes anyway… like the blonde girl
who starts growing brown hair after she hits 18, it was going to happen
no matter what.
If you don’t miss
him, then forget about him. Way
I see it, he’s the one who picked the world of a ho over the word of
his lifelong bestest buddy. Seems
to me that he’s the one who should call if he wants to.
Move on and just
have fond memories of the kid you grew up with.
As the saying goes: You
can never go home again.
Here’s a question
about an old friend of mine!
what happened to Sean Shannon?
I stumbled back into the "IWC" a few months ago and
can't believe all of what I read about him.
I was wondering if any of his Delphi meltdowns are archived
I was actually a semi-fan of his, but a bigger fan or yours and
I keep reading about him going crazy, but can't find any
Can you help me with that?
He can be read
regularly at www.seanshannon.org.
Depending on what you remember of him, he’s either gotten worse
or better. He’s also come
right out and said that he’s a girl trapped in a man’s body.
I’ve always found
Sean to be a pretty hot shit. If
he’s reading, (and I have a funny feeling that he is), I cordially
extend him an invitation to be a guest writer of the Midnight News one
week. One big, mind numbing shot at telling everyone to fuck off
one last time. Hell Sean,
you can spend 28 pages explaining why I’m the biggest loser to ever
walk to planet… I won’t edit or re-write a thing.
You’ll have the entire column for yourself.
Think about it. This
is no set-up. It would be a
don't date girls much or at all really. Part of it is shyness,
but I don't think that's my main problem. I can talk to girls
when I want to, I'm just not usually interested in it. All my
friends my age (i'm 23) either have girlfriends or go out frequently
trying to get laid or whatever. I don't, but I feel a lot of
outside pressure to.
I see family and old friends I'm asked if I have a girlfriend and
stuff. I get asked why I don't date much and everything.
And the only reason I ever want to date is just so people will get off
my back. My family seems very worried that I'm not going to get
married and have kids. I know I'm still young, but I come from a
small rural Southern town, and most guys I went to high school with
have indeed started families.
my question, I guess, is do you think I should at least start going
out with girls even though I don't really care about it one way or the
other. Maybe I can find happiness or something, I don't know. Or
should I just not sweat everyone else and keep on what I'm doing. Just
concentrating on work and school and occasionally hanging out with
friends when I have the chance. Of course then I run the risk of
dying alone and unhappy. I'm being a little sarcastic and
overdramatic there, but I'd be lying if I don't occasionally consider
are couple other things about my history that may give you a clearer
picture of my situation. Many people over the years have asked me
if I'm gay. I am pretty certain not, I've thought about it
simply because I don't ever date girls, but I don't think
that's the case. I do watch porn and jerk off from time to time
and its straight porn. I have sexual fantasies about women.
I figure if I was gay, I'd watch gay porn and have fantasies about
not a virgin, I have had one serious girlfriend who I thought I was in
love with. We dated for two years and I was abusive. Not
really physically. I never beat her, though I did on two or
three occasions slap her. I was at times very emotionally
abusive. When I got mad I was a complete asshole and showed her
nothing but contempt. I called her nasty names and basically
made her feel like shit a lot. No one knows about this except for
probably a few of her friends. And I still feel guilty over my
behavior to her. I ran into her a year ago and we hugged and I think
everything is forgiven. She is married with a baby and I'm
really happy things are going good for her now. I still don't
totally understand my behavior then because overall most people would
agree that I'm a very nice guy. I'm friendly to everyone I come
into contact with and I genuinely want people to like me. I am
still shocked by my behavior then. Sometimes I think that may
play a role in my reluctance to go out with girls. I dated
a couple girls after her, but it never turned into anything serious. And
in the past two or three years I haven't dated anyone at all. So
let me know what you think of my situation. I'm a fan of yours
and I know you can give me an honest assessment. Thanks a lot
You don’t date
girls and you don’t want to date girls.
You’re perfectly happy not dating girls, but you’re not gay
(at least you’re pretty sure).
I don’t think
you’re gay either. I
think you’re just scared of what girls can do.
I would suggest you go watch one gay porn video, just to see how
your lap reacts. It might
You come from a
small, rural town where everyone knows everyone else, plus if it’s
Southern, then it must be Baptist—and God knows how hard Southern
Baptists get over the whole “Marry and be fruitful” deal.
So while you’re just milling away, minding your own business
and living your life nice and cozy, the whole town is looking at you and
saying, “Dere’s sumtin’ wrong with that boy, he don’ date wimmen.”
Your family is freaking because you’re not pounding out babies
with your wife at the ripe old age of 23.
I was about to say
you HATE women, but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here and
downshifting it to being scared of them.
problem, you see your friends all married and settled down and looking
at the next 30-50 years doing the same thing in the same house in the
same town with the same neighbors.
You see no upward mobility, you see them stuck right smack dab in
a rut. You see roots
sprouting from their toes and into the ground while their new wife is
busy clipping their wings s they can’t fly.
You resent that, you’re scared of that.
You want to fly, brother. Fly
to something better than small town USA.
That girlfriend you
did have, and abused, gave you a taste of “married life” for two
years, you resented her so much and carried so much anger in you towards
her that you made it very easy for her to leave you… the fact that she
took two years doing so frustrated you even more.
I also get the
feeling that maybe something happened to you as a child (although
technically, you still are one.). Examine
your childhood. What did
your mother do to your dad to make him so miserable?
Am I even close here?
Toss in a little
self-loathing too… what the hell.
If you hate yourself, how can anyone else expect to love you?
Now I’m talking out of my ass and making some wild
assumptions, so here’s what I’d do if I were you:
Move out. Leave the
town. Move to a more
happening place where no one gives a shit if you have Roman Orgies with
farm animals if that’s what gets your socks off.
Spread those wings and fly, brother.
Find happiness and satisfaction for yourself first, THEN, ONLY IF
YOU WANT, go sniffing around for a girlfriend.
Or stay in town and
stay alone and die alone. Just
don’t automatically assume that to die alone automatically means that
you’re going to die unhappy. Bullshit,
bullshit, BULLSHIT. We all
die alone, it’s the most private thing we do.
No one dies with you, that’s a plane you board all by yourself.
You know, everything
I just said might be bullshit. You
might just have a very low sex drive.
You don’t get horny much is all.
Fuck everyone else
and what they think. Do
whatever you need to do to be happy.
It’s your life, you get to live it 24 hours a day, everyone
else has their own lives to manage, tell them to stop sweating yours and
get back to dealing with theirs, dammit.
We wrap up with a
question from a Canadian about something VERY American… plus it’s a
complete change of pace.
free to edit this, it runs pretty long. And an apology in advance for
the abundance of rhetorical questions, I'm trying to keep in line with
the "we ask, you answer format".
am a Teaching Assistant for an Introduction to Theatre class (for
first years) here at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.
one of the tutorials that I lead, there is one girl who is from the
States. I've had coffee with her a few times, I've found out that
she's a massage therapist, and she's absolutely wonderful to talk to.
. . .
ha, thought you were getting another dating question, weren't you?
she's from Oakland, and there is a high school near there that's
apparently the number one rated high school for football in the world.
Unfortunately, I can't be bothered to remember the name of it, mainly
'cos I don't care about high school football.
she's mentioned how people down in the U.S. have paused to ask her
about that football team whenever she tells them where she's from.
question is: what is this American obsession with football, so much so
that not only are the pros, semi-pros, and university/college athletes
worshipped, but so that also a bunch of 16/17 year-olds are treated
like royalty, with people from around the country following their
every game, noting every statistic, and generally devoting more time
to a bunch of 'roided up teenagers than to their own children?
could make the same argument for baseball (this girl's the biggest A's
booster in the world), and cheerleading, where desperate, stupid
mothers kill off the competition so their daughters can gain a spot,
but those two things don't draw tens of thousands of fans for the
football? Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it. Up here in Canada
(I'm sorry, the CFL is a joke, even to us) I've recently started to
get into football on Sundays. It's fun to watch and fun to play, but
I'm just not understanding this mass hysteria that permeates down to
the layers of children.
this have something to do with the media telling you what to do and
what to like? Is it the parents out in Buttfuck, Idaho who have
nothing better to do than make a day out of three hours of watching an
oblong ball go back and forth over 100 yards?
to think of it, why this obsession over all sports? Football,
baseball, basketball, it's like there's nothing else in the world
except sports for these people. I mean, you've had movies based on
high school football (Varsity Blues among others) and little league
baseball (Bad News Bears among others), and the main selling points of
these movies is not that they're coming-of-age stories set in the
heartland, but that you get to see some kids playing football and
don't the legitimate arts get this sort of attention? Is it because
there's no home team to root for? I guess Willy Loman is just too much
of a grey-area character for people to get behind. "He's not from
Boise, I'll make sure Idaho won't support him! Arthur Miller be
damned! . . . y'all!"
ancient Romans believed in bread and circuses. As long as the people
were fed and entertained, they wouldn't care what was going on around
them, even as Rome was turning to shit. I wonder if America's going
through the same thing.
for rambling, I'll cut myself off there.
Why is America
Football Crazy? Oh there
are so MANY reasons.
First and foremost,
because it’s OUR sport. Baseball
used to be all about Americana, but then Japan swiped it, and Cuba. Suddenly it’s global.
Us Americans are very greedy, we like things we built to stay
Now Football is also
global, but everyone else calls it Soccer.
Yeah, a bunch of skinny white boys in shorts running around
kicking a ball. If we want
to see people run around nonstop, we’d go watch a Marathon.
Football is a fast
game where monstrous black men slam into other monstrous black men.
It’s violent, brutal, and action packed.
Unlike, say, baseball, there is rarely a dull moment in a
football game. Every play
counts, the Quarterback has four tries to get the ball ten yards down a
field, and this is with anywhere from four to seven very angry giants
doing whatever they can to rip his head clean off.
Plus, the game is played only one day a week, sixteen weeks a
year, unlike say basketball which plays well over a hundred games in the
regular season, most of them meaningless.
Most NBA players cheerfully admit that they really start earning
their money during the playoffs.
In Football, every
game counts, each and every one.
betting. Betting both
illegal and legal. Very
cool. This is bigger with
College football. Hell,
they’ll never admit it, but the schedule for college football AND
basketball is designed specifically for gamblers, because that’s where
the money is for them.
Did I mention that
football is played on Sundays? The
one day most people have off? It’s
the only sport which does this, schedules games around the typical
fan’s convienence. For
this generosity, we forgive them for Monday Night Football, which is
only there to put some extra money in the NFL’s pocket.
Football is also the
grand unifier. It gives
most men from every walk of life something to talk about.
Sports are the ultimate ice-breaker and it’s something everyone
can relate to. That’s why
High School Football is what defines some small towns.
It’s more fun than church, and it’s played on a Friday night,
so there’s plenty of sex and booze available after the game.
Something can also
be said for the fact that pro football players are the lowest paid
professional athletes in America. No
one is screaming about salary caps in football.
With stricter trading laws, no one owner can go ahead and buy a
dream team every year. This
is why when football players go out on strike, we tend to sympathize
with them more than when those NBA millionaires go on strike and cry
about those evil rat jap owners.
So that’s why
America loves football, because it’s ours.
It’s greatness lies in it’s violence, where every play is a
battle, where every gain is hard won.
Football is War.
But unlike the real
thing, a Football war takes place once a week and ends within three
As for your question
about why the legitimate arts not getting this attention? Because neither Hollywood NOR Broadway know how to cater to
the god damn working man. All
they know how to do is to find an excuse to get the wife and kids out of
the house for a few fucking hours while football is on.
And Broadway? Those
fags couldn’t write a compelling play if their lives depended on it.
If we wanted to see grown men sing show tunes then Tommy Tune
would be bigger than Elvis. Besides,
we’re expected to dress up for a night of theater… who the fuck
wants to wear ties on Sundays?
It took three weeks to pop this mess.
I’ll get some more in next week and start banging these out
with more regularity. I
I need more
questions to answer. Get
cracking, people. I won’t
take so long to answer them next time.
This is Hyatte
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