HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE
- Chris Hyatte
Consider yourselves lucky.
Really, I’m knee deep in wrapping up And Another Thing: The
Taking of Triple H for the Wednesday deadline.
I just don’t have the time to dispense advice!
But Flea gets grumpy when his writers don’t
produce, and Flea can EDIT me, and I’ve learned a while ago that
it’s better to have Flea ON your side than against it.
Plus… oh, like I’m going to pretend that I
don’t like doing this column and showing everyone how knowledgeable I
am. You all know me, you
know how massive my ego is. Who
am I kidding?
Anyways, I actually have a pretty wide variety of
questions on the table for this week… well, sort of, but at least the
CIRCUMSTANCES are all fairly unique… sort of.
Plus I have a teenage girl calling me God in this
week’s column. Last one
who did that is 21 and refuses to talk to me now.
Ladies DO Love Cool Hy, yes they do.
We kick things off with something fresh, a kind
of question I haven’t addressed before!
So of course, my answer sucks.
This is tough because books are like any other
entertainment medium: They
like their heroes to be heroic. So,
I’ll do what I can here.
Chuck Palahniuk’s lead characters are always fucked in the head.
Hmm, let me see.
Well, Hamlet had issues! In
fact, if you can handle the text, Shakespeare had most of his
“heroes” as nutcases.
Umm, Holden Caufield fancied himself a Catcher in the
Then there’s Don Quixote, boy chased windmills for
crying out loud.
Wait, the first book I selected for my book club
thing, John O’Brian’s “Leaving Las Vegas” featured a hooker and
a hopeless alcoholic.
In fact, John O’Brien wrote two more books,
“Assault on Tony’s” and “Stripper Lessons”, both of them had
Little thing called “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s
Of course, he’s not just a nut, he’s an
I’m sure you’ve
already read “The Shining”.
And Anne Rice got fat on
the popularity of a certain femmy, psychotic, narcissistic vampire named
Not the greatest line-up, and I know I’m missing a couple of thousand… but I do what I can.
Let HER handle things? Well gee whiz, so far she’s doing a bang up job!
Never, EVER let the girl “handle things”… girls
don’t know how to handle things, they don’t have the heartlessness.
She feels bad for the ex-nutfriend, hell, maybe she sort of likes
the idea that he’s a wreck without her.
It’s sort of flattering.
My concern is that she’s got you in the friend
zone, and that’s a bad place to be, my brother… all those Comics
with the bits about being in the friend zone ain’t just whistling
dixie. There is no sex in the Friend Zone… because she doesn’t
see you like that and wouldn’t want to ruin your awesome relationship.
So, how do you rate against the ex?
Who’s bigger? Stronger? Faster?
Meaner? Can you take
him? Fuck it, grab a
baseball bat and go nuts!
And tell that dumb broad to get a restraining order
out on him… and tell her to either shit or get off the pot, because
you ain’t getting any less horny... and you like her, you really,
really like her.
Or do you? Do
here is a guy with a refreshing outlook on things:
I have no solid answers here.
I can’t; there are too many variables.
Heart vs mind, Penis vs Common Sense.
What’s interesting to me is that you really, REALLY
like this girl, body and mind, but to have her pack up and go with you,
maybe transfer to a new college… that would feel too much like a
commitment to you, throw in the OCD genes and you’re really hesitant.
Okay, forget about the OCD thing, because chances one
of you, or perhaps your children will get cancer anyway.
Everybody gets the damn cancer these days.
Jesus, when will they cure that already?
A mild case of OCD is still a hassle, but once you look and hold
your new child, chances are you’ll not be too bothered with the few
extra-steps needed to raise him or her.
You can be a pragmatic prick all you want, but once the baby pops
up you’ll be like “Dayam!”
Anyway, I think the best course of action for you is
to go the “Broken Wing” route.
When you find a bird with a broken wing, nurture it back to
health, then let it go. If
it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.
If you come back to IT, you belong to it forever.
Go live your life, grow up, and get your career on
track. Let her do the same.
Meet new people, get new girlfriends, have fun.
Just keep her number on speed dial.
What do you call the 21 year old with a wife?
Divorced by 30.
Two big questions about relationships?
Wow… we should do the usual routine now and toss in an
“Off-topic” question! This
one involves something that you can only do WITHOUT a computer screen in
front of you, so I’m sure I’m alienating at least 50% of you lazy
Yes, I was serious.
About eight years ago, for most of the early 90’s,
I had a six-pack, yes I did. Oh
man, they were AWESOME.
Seriously, nothing gets girls hot more than running
their hands down a hard, lumpy tummy.
Why? Because there
are so FEW of those tummies available to chicks… most of us are fat
Whoo man, I say this with no shame:
If I had a six pack today, knowing what and who I know, I’d be
up in Toronto shagging Trish Stratus rotten, and when she’s busy on
the road, I’d be down in Puerto Rico shagging Tammy Sytch rotten. In between, I’d be shagging all your wives, girlfriends,
daughters, and mommas rotten too! Little
penises mean NOTHING if you have a six pack o’ abs sitting on top of
The reason why I don’t have them anymore is because
they are fucking IMPOSSIBLE to keep, yo.
Not LITERALLY impossible, but damn near close enough for it to
make little difference.
See, anyone can have rock hard abs.
In six weeks, YOU, John Q. Fatso can have them, the problem is
that they’ll be hidden under layers of stored fat.
You can get rid of the fat, then you’re left with loose skin,
once you tighten that up, you’re looking at about six months to a full
year before you see results. People
just don’t have the type of commitment.
Or time, because a six pack requires training, every
day. The abs are the
biggest pussy-muscles we have. You
can’t let them rest for more than a few days before the six pack goes
Or the will. 90%
of what you eat now can’t be ingested during your search for abs o’
steel. It’s all protein
until you have like 4% body fat, then some veggies… but that’s it. No beer either. You
can get high all you want, so long as you can avoid the munchies.
A six pack of abs demands a ridiculous type of
commitment and sacrifice from you, son.
Which means gritting your teeth, ignoring the pain, and crunching
your ass THROUGH that stitch.
But don’t worry, I have two bits of good news for
you: 1) Over time, the
stitch will stop and 2) Ab
work is one of the few exercises that really require no machinery of any
kind. Crunches, sit-ups,
and leg lifts are all you REALLY need.
Let’s now hit a two-punch combination.
Two questions from two different people about the same thing,
from opposite sides. Plus
they’re from teenagers… really, REALLY young teenagers… so
here’s where I show everyone how hip I am!
Well, first off all I’d just like to point out that
there isn’t a high school girl alive who would ever call Scott Keith
God! So HA!
Anyway… you know, my first instinct is to say that
guys at that age don’t know what they want from girls. Well, they want
sex (we all do, sugarbutt), but for the most part, they have no idea how
to get it and if they did, they have no idea what to do with it.
But I haven’t been a teenager in an while, and
generations are designed do that each new one knows a little bit more
than the previous… so I’m willing to bet that most teenage boys
these days know exactly how to get sex, and how to perform it.
Now teenage girls, on the other hand, are nowhere
near as horny as teenage boys. That’s
the whacky trick God plays on us… he gives boys their sexual peak at
18 and girls their sexual peak at 30.
This is how girls really should be ruling this planet if they
weren’t so busy lacking self-esteem and worrying about the size of
their asses. Even though
you say you have a high level of self-esteem, you don’t, not really.
No teenage girl does.
How do you get the guy? Well, the advice I give to you would be different then with
someone in their 20’s or 30’s because you have a shitload of peer
pressure to deal with. All
your friends are either judging you or judging someone else with you
helping them. Every move
you make, everything you wear, how cool your cell phone is, and every
person you speak to is judged by your peers.
High school has always been a brutal, unforgiving, and damn near
traumatic ecosystem; one that no person should be subjected to, and the
irony is that most everyone goes through it at their most vulnerable
stage! It’s amazing.
Anyway, how do you get the guy?
Well, it depends. Is he acceptable to your peers?
Is he in your social circle?
Is he an athlete? Pot
smoking, James Dean lookalike troublemaker?
Is he the computer geek? Car
mechanic? Or is he just
there, hanging around, not really hanging with anyone?
Now who are you?
Class president? Cheerleader?
Fat chick? LaCrosse
Player? In the band? Or
are you the dream girl that is responsible for why most of the boys
refuse to go to the chalkboard and answer Mr. Dickerson’s Algebra
problem? (Those boys are
the ones who put their sweatshirts in their laps).
If you two match up, socially… great.
And if you don’t?
Who gives a crap. Once
you’re out of high school, you’ll see how silly and stupid all this
If you like a guy and want to go out with him, just
talk to him, be nice, touch his arm all the time, sit with him at study
hall, and get the word out to mutual friends that you want him to ask
you out. You’re friends
will be more than happy to play matchmaker.
That’s it, really. It’s
But unless he’s gay, he’s gonna want sex.
Do yourself a favor and make the asshole wait.
And don’t smoke!
Not in the slightest. There
is NO pressure. None.
serious. Take your time.
I just heard that the female species has just signed a multi-year
contract with God to stay on earth for about a million more years, so
they’re not going anywhere, and they’ll ALWAYS be horny.
if you reach 23, and haven’t touched a booby yet, then brother, you
just ain’t TRYING.
let’s make it 22. A good,
solid number. You should
have a little experience under your belt by 22.
And by 24, you should be humping more damn poon than Eminem on
Viagra and Ecstasy.
I get the sense that
this next person needs some SERIOUS advice… just a hunch.
Do you have children?
If yes, then you stay right where you are and twiddle
your fucking thumbs. You
try your best to find out why you married that girl and do whatever it
takes to make your home happy, loving, and positive for your children.
If no, then chase that bird, baby.
If divorce wasn’t so satisfying than why does everyone get one?
If you want that new cake while still eating the old
one, then give it a try. Just
know that better men than you have tried to keep their affairs a secret,
and as far as I know, only Charles Kuralt managed to get away with it
until he died. You’ll get
busted… we all do… we’re very, very lazy and women are very, very
Keep your fucking mouth shut you selfish baby.
No, really. There
is a zero upside to this. None
at all. So you’re feeling
guilty. Boo hoo.
Let’s list the pros and cons of confessing your sins to her:
that guilt you have will be taken away.
never trust you again, not completely.
you did was make out with the slut and let her give you bad head.
if she confessed to you that she macked out all over this guy she met
and let him eat her out? How
would you feel and don’t lie.
want a clean slate to begin a long, loving marriage on.
you did was point out the cracks to her and made her self-conscious
about. No wounds heal if
you keep picking at them.
don’t want to start a relationship based on lies.
best relationships are the ones started with a guy harboring guilt about
something, because that makes him work twice as hard on getting
atonement by keeping her happy.
deserves to know.
she doesn’t know won’t KILL HER!!
This is all about you feeling better.
Let time do that. You just sit there and thank your lucky stars that you got
away with it and put it to rest. You
can tell her in a few years, because by then she’ll be married to you
and stuck with you and since you’ve been such a good wittle boy for
the last couple of years she’ll be bale to laugh it off… and then
she’ll tell you about all of HER illicit conquests!
And just like that, I’m all done.
Oh, I’ll be back next week.
Why not. I’ll be
on such a high from rubbing your faces in And Another Thing:
The Taking of Triple H, that I’ll be MORE than happy to
answer questions, give advice, and join you all in wallowing in my own
greatness! Plus, I’ll
tell a few of you lucky bastards how to get GIRLS!!
This is Hyatte
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