HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

 - Chris Hyatte

Consider yourselves lucky. 

Really, I’m knee deep in wrapping up And Another Thing:  The Taking of Triple H for the Wednesday deadline.  I just don’t have the time to dispense advice! 

But Flea gets grumpy when his writers don’t produce, and Flea can EDIT me, and I’ve learned a while ago that it’s better to have Flea ON your side than against it.  

Plus… oh, like I’m going to pretend that I don’t like doing this column and showing everyone how knowledgeable I am.  You all know me, you know how massive my ego is.  Who am I kidding? 

Anyways, I actually have a pretty wide variety of questions on the table for this week… well, sort of, but at least the CIRCUMSTANCES are all fairly unique… sort of. 

Plus I have a teenage girl calling me God in this week’s column.  Last one who did that is 21 and refuses to talk to me now.  Ladies DO Love Cool Hy, yes they do. 

We kick things off with something fresh, a kind of question I haven’t addressed before! 

So of course, my answer sucks. 

Hyatte, 

Could you list for me three to five books of any genre where the protagonist is insane, disturbed, or completely fucked up? I enjoy such works.

Flaubert 

This is tough because books are like any other entertainment medium:  They like their heroes to be heroic.  So, I’ll do what I can here. 

Chuck Palahniuk’s lead characters are always fucked in the head. 

Hmm, let me see.  Well, Hamlet had issues!  In fact, if you can handle the text, Shakespeare had most of his “heroes” as nutcases. 

Umm, Holden Caufield fancied himself a Catcher in the Rye. 

Then there’s Don Quixote, boy chased windmills for crying out loud. 

Wait, the first book I selected for my book club thing, John O’Brian’s “Leaving Las Vegas” featured a hooker and a hopeless alcoholic.   

In fact, John O’Brien wrote two more books, “Assault on Tony’s” and “Stripper Lessons”, both of them had major anti-heroes.   

Little thing called “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. 

Of course, he’s not just a nut, he’s an “American Psycho”! 

I’m sure you’ve already read “The Shining”. 

And Anne Rice got fat on the popularity of a certain femmy, psychotic, narcissistic vampire named Lestat. 

Not the greatest line-up, and I know I’m missing a couple of thousand… but I do what I can.

Hello Hyatte,

Basically, the last couple of years I've been a rather miserable individual. I had a messy break up with my then-girlfriend, got rejected from several colleges that I was trying to get into, and had a writing instructor absolutely ream me and my writing style out (for reference, I'm 21). Before that, high school was pretty rough on me, as things I had placed a lot of importance on didn't pan out and it left me bummed for awhile afterwards. I had really low self esteem issues, lacked self confidence, and was working in a dead end job not really doing anything. 

Flash forward to now and things are looking to be a little bit better for me. I've started eating better, started exercising and grew some cajones and asked a couple of girls out and started applying to some schools again. I'm also not trying to approach things with my usual doom and gloom approach, and I think I'm making some progress there. 

My real major problem right now is dealing with this girl. I've been interested in her for about 2 years now but circumstances have always gotten in the way of things (she was dating someone, I was being a recluse). We've always stayed in contact with one another and we started hanging out quite a bit during the last couple of months. During that time, I found out that she broke up with her boyfriend of about a year and a half over the summer and that she was now single. Hallelujah and all that crap, right?  

Well, sort of. As I said, we were spending alot of time together, spending multiple nights talking on the phone til 4 in the morning, just generally hanging out and having fun. My birthday was earlier this month and I found out she spent an entire week drawing me a picture (she's one of those artist types) and getting it framed for me. I decided that hey, this is all looking pretty friggen good so I took the initiative to see if she was interested.  

She is interested, and she isn't interested was more or less what I got off of her. She finds me attractive, she'd like to be giving me a chance, BUT, she's having problems with her ex-boyfriend. Yeah, I know. One would think that she's just stringing me along so that she can bitch to me about her ex and feel good about herself, but it's a little bit more complicated than that. See, said ex-boyfriend is what I would call a 'nut job'. He's shown up at her work and her house and more or less started screaming obscenities at her, he more or less forced her to go for a car ride with him and started giving her shit about the break up, he's living some sort of delusional fairy tale life where he thinks that the two of them are destined to be together. He's also started cutting himself and parading his wounds around, among many other deranged things. She's very close to calling the cops on this moron, as the random appearances and screaming matches only started about 2 weeks ago. She personally doesn't think that dating someone would be a good idea right now and she's somewhat SCARED to be doing so. 

That however, hasn't stopped her friends from trying to set her up with various friends of theirs, as she's been single for quite awhile now. She hasn't really expressed interest in those guys, which, again, gives a guy like me some hope about things. The last time me and this girl talked about things, I more or less agreed to put the ball in her court and let her initiate things when she feels comfortable doing so. However, I'm afraid that I'm walking the tight rope right now between being a possible romantic interest and crossing over into the realm of being a really good 'friend'.  

Hyatte, if you've seen this girl, you'd realize that 'friend' is something that a guy who has been single for several YEARS does not want. However, I don't know how to handle the psychotic ex-boyfriend (who, incidentally hates my guts because I'm a 'guy' friend who has been seen with her), nor do I know what specifically I should do with the girl. Should I try and work something romantic with her and see if she'd fall for it, even though I said to let HER handle things? Or am I worrying about nothing and I'm just being paranoid due to me figuratively coming out of my self imposed 'shell' and am just getting my feet wet with dating and the such again? As I said, this has been my first chance at getting some poon in quite awhile and I'd really, REALLY would not like to blow this if at all possible. 

Anyways, keep up the good work. I wish I could say something to you about your private life, but, you seem to take an effort to keep your life private so I respect that. I'm sure you'll end up getting more than what you were wanting one of these days. I know, random assurances from a stranger, but, I felt the need to say something, no matter how dumb it'll come across. 

Thanks for reading this 

Name Withheld 

Let HER handle things?  Well gee whiz, so far she’s doing a bang up job! 

Never, EVER let the girl “handle things”… girls don’t know how to handle things, they don’t have the heartlessness.  She feels bad for the ex-nutfriend, hell, maybe she sort of likes the idea that he’s a wreck without her.  It’s sort of flattering. 

My concern is that she’s got you in the friend zone, and that’s a bad place to be, my brother… all those Comics with the bits about being in the friend zone ain’t just whistling dixie.  There is no sex in the Friend Zone… because she doesn’t see you like that and wouldn’t want to ruin your awesome relationship. 

So, how do you rate against the ex?  Who’s bigger?  Stronger?  Faster?  Meaner?  Can you take him?  Fuck it, grab a baseball bat and go nuts!   

And tell that dumb broad to get a restraining order out on him… and tell her to either shit or get off the pot, because you ain’t getting any less horny... and you like her, you really, really like her. 

Or do you?  Do you really? 

Hmmm? 

Now here is a guy with a refreshing outlook on things:   

Hyatte - 

I followed you here from the Mid-night News on 411, and I must say that I think this advice column is a nice compliment to what you offer at "the mania."  I genuinely like your writing style, and your book recommendations have been top notch (with one exception, but that's another e-mail).  The advice you give is nicely utilitarian and grounded in solid experience, and I enjoy the glimpses it gives into your personal philosophies.  You've helped me procrastinate writing papers many an hour! 

My question for you falls under the umbrella of "pragmatic concerns vs. strong feelings in determining a relationship."  I'm 21, a senior at Penn (the "social Ivy"), and have been involved with a girl for about 5 months. I'm in Philly, and she's at college across the state in Pittsburgh (our hometown).  I genuinely like this girl, and not just for sexual reasons.  I realize that in the vast majority of relationships, it is, either directly or indirectly, about sex...and I've been in those.  But I feel as though my brain is leveraging a measure of control over my "little general" as I've matured over the last few years (as mature as a 21 year old can be anyway), and that I can distinguish authentically liking her from liking sex.  This is all a preface to say that I think this relationship could stick, and stick for a while. 

But, I'm graduating this year (provided I complete my senior thesis) and unless there is a drastic change, I'll be in law school next fall.  While Pitt's law school doesn't totally blow, dropping from an undergrad school ranked 5th to a law school ranked 50th or so doesn't appeal to me.  So, chances are, I'm away from Pittsburgh for another three years (U of Chicago's my hope) and possibly permenantly depending on jobs/where I take the bar exam, etc.  My girlfriend has another two years at her school, and it's asinine to ask her to transfer and follow me somewhere (since that just puts WAY too many expectations on a relationship).  At the bare minimum, then, we're looking at three years apart, and to be together after that, she'd probably have to move.  How absurd is it, then, to try to stay together?  Is pining after one another, ignoring other potential dates, for three years just dumb?  Or, are even you romantic enough to recommend we "try to tough it out?"  I'm concerned about these issues now, because I see us fast approaching the six month point where you start to evaluate all these issues..."where the relationship is going," etc, etc.  And I don't want to hurt her sometime down the road. 

As a tertiary concern, she also has OCD.  It's not BAD obsessive compulsive...relatively mild, to the point where she has to take standard SSRI's to help her a bit.  Her mom has similar issues, and I realize it's genetic.  While I don't want to sound TOO "Brave New World," it seems that it's a concern for potential children (not to say that I'm going be having ANY kids in the next 5 years).  And having intelligent, emotionally healthy children is what I hope to have some day.  While I don't want to sound like I think I'm smarter than I am (because there are PLENTY of those kids at Penn already...not to mention the retards at Princeton), it is another pragmatic concern.  And I don't want to come across as a jerk (since we all have issues, and I'm no exception), but I'm just trying to be as realistic about this relationship as possible. 

So that's it (sorry if it was long, if you publish this, feel free to edit). Is there some sort of rule for utility vs. feelings?  Thanks in advance for your advice!  While the specifics of this e-mail wouldn't make it hard to figure out who I am for someone who cares, I should probably make some perfunctory attempt at anonymity.  So, call me,

The Ghost of Alexander Hamilton 

Dear Casper, 

I have no solid answers here.  I can’t; there are too many variables. 

Heart vs mind, Penis vs Common Sense.  

What’s interesting to me is that you really, REALLY like this girl, body and mind, but to have her pack up and go with you, maybe transfer to a new college… that would feel too much like a commitment to you, throw in the OCD genes and you’re really hesitant. 

Okay, forget about the OCD thing, because chances one of you, or perhaps your children will get cancer anyway.  Everybody gets the damn cancer these days.  Jesus, when will they cure that already?  A mild case of OCD is still a hassle, but once you look and hold your new child, chances are you’ll not be too bothered with the few extra-steps needed to raise him or her.  You can be a pragmatic prick all you want, but once the baby pops up you’ll be like “Dayam!” 

Anyway, I think the best course of action for you is to go the “Broken Wing” route.  When you find a bird with a broken wing, nurture it back to health, then let it go.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.  If you come back to IT, you belong to it forever. 

Go live your life, grow up, and get your career on track.  Let her do the same.  Meet new people, get new girlfriends, have fun.  Just keep her number on speed dial. 

What do you call the 21 year old with a wife?  Divorced by 30. 

Two big questions about relationships?  Wow… we should do the usual routine now and toss in an “Off-topic” question!  This one involves something that you can only do WITHOUT a computer screen in front of you, so I’m sure I’m alienating at least 50% of you lazy creeps. 

A while ago you showed an AOL message log/phone call between you and Flea where you joked with him about doing a few hundred crunches a day. Were you serious? 

I've been working out for about 3 years now and I still can't do that. I get to 20-30 and my stomach cramps up. It's not muscle failure because I know what that feels like -- that's when the muscle simply stops responding and feels slightly numb. The pain I get is like a stitch after running. If I stop for a second it goes away and I can keep going all the way to about 100, albeit in sets of 5-10 with a rest of 2-3 seconds between them. I could do more but it's kind pointless when I'm having to stop so often. Any ideas about what I could be doing wrong? 

Yes, I was serious. 

About eight years ago, for most of the early 90’s, I had a six-pack, yes I did.  Oh man, they were AWESOME.   

Seriously, nothing gets girls hot more than running their hands down a hard, lumpy tummy.  Why?  Because there are so FEW of those tummies available to chicks… most of us are fat asses. 

And confidence?  Whoo man, I say this with no shame:  If I had a six pack today, knowing what and who I know, I’d be up in Toronto shagging Trish Stratus rotten, and when she’s busy on the road, I’d be down in Puerto Rico shagging Tammy Sytch rotten.  In between, I’d be shagging all your wives, girlfriends, daughters, and mommas rotten too!  Little penises mean NOTHING if you have a six pack o’ abs sitting on top of them. 

The reason why I don’t have them anymore is because they are fucking IMPOSSIBLE to keep, yo.  Not LITERALLY impossible, but damn near close enough for it to make little difference. 

See, anyone can have rock hard abs.  In six weeks, YOU, John Q. Fatso can have them, the problem is that they’ll be hidden under layers of stored fat.  You can get rid of the fat, then you’re left with loose skin, once you tighten that up, you’re looking at about six months to a full year before you see results.  People just don’t have the type of commitment. 

Or time, because a six pack requires training, every day.  The abs are the biggest pussy-muscles we have.  You can’t let them rest for more than a few days before the six pack goes away.   

Or the will.  90% of what you eat now can’t be ingested during your search for abs o’ steel.  It’s all protein until you have like 4% body fat, then some veggies… but that’s it.  No beer either.  You can get high all you want, so long as you can avoid the munchies. 

A six pack of abs demands a ridiculous type of commitment and sacrifice from you, son.  Which means gritting your teeth, ignoring the pain, and crunching your ass THROUGH that stitch.   

But don’t worry, I have two bits of good news for you: 1)  Over time, the stitch will stop and 2)  Ab work is one of the few exercises that really require no machinery of any kind.  Crunches, sit-ups, and leg lifts are all you REALLY need. 

Let’s now hit a two-punch combination.  Two questions from two different people about the same thing, from opposite sides.  Plus they’re from teenagers… really, REALLY young teenagers… so here’s where I show everyone how hip I am! 

Love the Midnight News and your Guide to Life, I read both religiously, and in my book you are god. 

So from guy with some experience, how does the girl get the guy?  I'll avoid going too deep into my life story but in my personal instance, I'm in my mid-teens, deny the truth about being as green as grass, not much confidence (yet high self esteem, don't need to bother explaining), have a few guy friends, has a style that follows the trends, average overall person who lives in Canada(???).  So what advice would you give your teenage, female audiance about guys?  How should I go about trying to hook up with a guy (or getting a guy to want to hook up with me).  Almighty Chris Hyatte, what does a teenage guy want in a girl and how does a teenage girl go about giving it to him? 

I realize how pathetic I sound but take this seriously cuz I want to hear what you have to say to teenage girls about guys. 

Thanks 

Too Young For You, So Don’t Even Try, Old Man 

Hmm… 

Well, first off all I’d just like to point out that there isn’t a high school girl alive who would ever call Scott Keith God!  So HA! 

Anyway… you know, my first instinct is to say that guys at that age don’t know what they want from girls. Well, they want sex (we all do, sugarbutt), but for the most part, they have no idea how to get it and if they did, they have no idea what to do with it. 

But I haven’t been a teenager in an while, and generations are designed do that each new one knows a little bit more than the previous… so I’m willing to bet that most teenage boys these days know exactly how to get sex, and how to perform it. 

Now teenage girls, on the other hand, are nowhere near as horny as teenage boys.  That’s the whacky trick God plays on us… he gives boys their sexual peak at 18 and girls their sexual peak at 30.  This is how girls really should be ruling this planet if they weren’t so busy lacking self-esteem and worrying about the size of their asses.  Even though you say you have a high level of self-esteem, you don’t, not really.  No teenage girl does. 

How do you get the guy?  Well, the advice I give to you would be different then with someone in their 20’s or 30’s because you have a shitload of peer pressure to deal with.  All your friends are either judging you or judging someone else with you helping them.  Every move you make, everything you wear, how cool your cell phone is, and every person you speak to is judged by your peers.  High school has always been a brutal, unforgiving, and damn near traumatic ecosystem; one that no person should be subjected to, and the irony is that most everyone goes through it at their most vulnerable stage!  It’s amazing. 

Anyway, how do you get the guy?  Well, it depends.  Is he acceptable to your peers?  Is he in your social circle?  Is he an athlete?  Pot smoking, James Dean lookalike troublemaker?  Is he the computer geek?  Car mechanic?  Or is he just there, hanging around, not really hanging with anyone?   

Now who are you?  Class president?  Cheerleader?  Fat chick?  LaCrosse Player?  In the band?  Or are you the dream girl that is responsible for why most of the boys refuse to go to the chalkboard and answer Mr. Dickerson’s Algebra problem?  (Those boys are the ones who put their sweatshirts in their laps).  If you two match up, socially… great.   

And if you don’t?  Who gives a crap.  Once you’re out of high school, you’ll see how silly and stupid all this really is.      

If you like a guy and want to go out with him, just talk to him, be nice, touch his arm all the time, sit with him at study hall, and get the word out to mutual friends that you want him to ask you out.  You’re friends will be more than happy to play matchmaker.  That’s it, really.  It’s pretty easy. 

But unless he’s gay, he’s gonna want sex.  Do yourself a favor and make the asshole wait. 

And don’t smoke!  

i'm 16 and wondering... is there a certain age that a man should have been laid by? or have done anything sexually at all?  

k.h. 

Nope.  Not in the slightest.  There is NO pressure.  None. 

I’m serious.  Take your time.  I just heard that the female species has just signed a multi-year contract with God to stay on earth for about a million more years, so they’re not going anywhere, and they’ll ALWAYS be horny. 

BUT… if you reach 23, and haven’t touched a booby yet, then brother, you just ain’t TRYING. 

So, let’s make it 22.  A good, solid number.  You should have a little experience under your belt by 22.  And by 24, you should be humping more damn poon than Eminem on Viagra and Ecstasy. 

I get the sense that this next person needs some SERIOUS advice… just a hunch. 

Hey Chris,

Need some serious advice.  Here's the situation.  I am married, 32, live in PA, and thought I was happy.  I went on a group trip to Dallas for a Cowboys football game and while there met a very nice girl from Boston. She is 35, an investment banker.   

We hit it off right away.  We ended up spending the entire weekend together.  We had so much in common that it was scary.  She didn't know I was married and I was to caught up in everything to say anything.  When we left after the weekend, we promised to keep in touch and maybe meet up somewhere down the line.  We said that if we were meant to be together it would happen as we got to know each other better. For the next week, we emailed back and forth and then she just stopped. She said that with her in Boston and me in Philly, it wouldn't work out. Before she told me that, I was thinking of ways to get out of my marriage and move closer to her.   

Fast forward about a week and she emailed me saying that we shouldn't email anymore.  It is driving me crazy.  I have emailed her back trying to understand why we shouldn't talk.  Chris, I am miserable.  I think I love this girl but she won't talk to me.  Plus I now feel like I am spinning my wheels in a marriage that isn't right for me. What should I do?  Stay in a loveless marriage and continue to pursue my dream girl or stay the course with my current wife.  I guess I made me bed, now I have to lie in it. 

Help!! 

Thanks,

Lost in PA  (don't print name) 

Do you have children? 

If yes, then you stay right where you are and twiddle your fucking thumbs.  You try your best to find out why you married that girl and do whatever it takes to make your home happy, loving, and positive for your children. 

If no, then chase that bird, baby.  If divorce wasn’t so satisfying than why does everyone get one? 

If you want that new cake while still eating the old one, then give it a try.  Just know that better men than you have tried to keep their affairs a secret, and as far as I know, only Charles Kuralt managed to get away with it until he died.  You’ll get busted… we all do… we’re very, very lazy and women are very, very paranoid. 

Hey, 

Before i get to my question let me set up this scenario. I am a 23 year old guy from Flint, MI. There are two girls in my life, we'll call them, the ex-girlfriend, and the slut. The slut I met when I was 20 around christmas my junior year in college. We dated breifly but I didnt like her so I dumped her. That summer (2001) I saw the slut around and we were basically fuck friends. Anyhow that fall I stopped talkling to the slut and I started dating my ex-gf. Fast forward 2 years and...this august my ex-gf moved to Louisville, Ky where she is originally from to go to grad school. She is in a program that will take about 5-6 years to complete. Our relationship was

really getting rocky by that point. In september I fooled around twice wiith the slut again, no sex, in fact i didnt even make out with her, we just sorta were into heavy petting. The second time she did give me head. Not to get into the details it was all very robotic, she basically just went down on me, we weren't really "into" any of it. 

Anyways, about a few weeks ago my girlfriend dumped me, hence the ex-gf thing. But I want her back and I will get her back. Its a long story of what happened but we are planning on seeing each other in December and getting back together. I apologized to her for being a jerk but i never told her about the two cheating incidences, because, i know she would kill me and never speak to me again. I really can't tell her and she wont find out because the slut lives here in flint and goes to school in another city so there is a good chance I may never see her again.

So my question is what should I do? I want to start a new solid open relationship with my ex-gf but I dont want their to be cracks in the foundation. My ex-gf is the one for me, I will definetly marry her, but i feel awful about those two incidences with that stupid slut. Am I a morally bad person? Am I just being too hard on myself? Is there any way to relieve the guillt? (The good news is I did get rid of the slut for good. I told her that our friendship was inappropriate and that I cant talk to her anymore.

She surprisingly took it well! Which means she probably wont show up at my house to stab me to death or anything.) Please share with me your thoughts, and what you would do if you were in my shoes. Thanx! 

-Aaron 

P.S. I really comend you on this column. It speaks well of your character that you are trying to help people and touch their lives. 

Dear Aaron, 

Keep your fucking mouth shut you selfish baby. 

Thank you. 

No, really.  There is a zero upside to this.  None at all.  So you’re feeling guilty.  Boo hoo.  Let’s list the pros and cons of confessing your sins to her: 

PRO:  You’ll feel better.

CON:  She’ll be heartbroken. 

PRO:  All that guilt you have will be taken away.

CON:  She’ll never trust you again, not completely. 

PRO:  All you did was make out with the slut and let her give you bad head.  So what?

CON:  What if she confessed to you that she macked out all over this guy she met and let him eat her out?  How would you feel and don’t lie. 

PRO:  You want a clean slate to begin a long, loving marriage on.

CON:  All you did was point out the cracks to her and made her self-conscious about.  No wounds heal if you keep picking at them. 

PRO:  You don’t want to start a relationship based on lies.

CON:  The best relationships are the ones started with a guy harboring guilt about something, because that makes him work twice as hard on getting atonement by keeping her happy.   

PRO:  She deserves to know.

CON:  What she doesn’t know won’t KILL HER!! 

This is all about you feeling better.  Let time do that.  You just sit there and thank your lucky stars that you got away with it and put it to rest.  You can tell her in a few years, because by then she’ll be married to you and stuck with you and since you’ve been such a good wittle boy for the last couple of years she’ll be bale to laugh it off… and then she’ll tell you about all of HER illicit conquests!  Fun city! 

And just like that, I’m all done. 

Oh, I’ll be back next week.  Why not.  I’ll be on such a high from rubbing your faces in And Another Thing:  The Taking of Triple H, that I’ll be MORE than happy to answer questions, give advice, and join you all in wallowing in my own greatness!  Plus, I’ll tell a few of you lucky bastards how to get GIRLS!!  Cool, huh? 

This is Hyatte

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