- Chris Hyatte

I’m enjoying my vacation so much I’ve decided to extend it! 

But it’s been two weeks since I dished out any life saving advice, so I figured, what the heck. 

There are a LOT of questions this week as I have decided to clean out the cubbard.  This is it.  Every question I had on hold is in here.  I am fresh out after this column.  So it’ll be up to YOU, John Q Clueless, to re-fill my in-box.  

Anyway, no time for dilly dallying… there are questions to be answered.  Let’s get to them! 

I have a real close friend and in recent years we've grown apart to the point that we only rarely speak to each other than via email do to both of us being busy in our personal lives.  He is a very close friend of mine, one who helped me through a real tough period in my life and who's friendship I deeply value... 

I want to know whether or not I should I just let nature take it's course and let our friendship die out or should I try even harder in an attempt to keep it going? 


What’s happening is not only natural, it’s essential.  Life is change.  Change is evolution. 

That said, try as hard as you like.  Nothing wrong with getting a beer once ever six months or so, if that’s all either of you have time for. 

Or maybe he is pushing you away because he feels freaked out by you.  People are selfish by nature; they don’t like getting deep into other people’s problems.  God knows my eyes glaze over once someone starts in on how miserable their life is.  I don’t want to hear it, stay away from me with your bullshit.  I have my own problems.  Ye Gods. 

That, of course, refers to real life… not this column… *cough. 

Hello and thanks in advance.  If you don't mind I'll cut straight to the fucking point or as close as I can to summarising the backgroup as quickly as possible to get to the fucking point.  

OK im 23 my final year of graduating from University, i already have a really nice job I'm working and making the "big bucks." I have worked my ass off to get these things... I have no family left (get to that again in a minute) to give me money or cars, etc....NOTHING was given to me ever in my life. I'm not exactly a pretty boy but luckily not  considered too ugly. Physically the  biggest impediment to me is me being a fat fuck and 6'5" (ok im not tHAT fat but im no slim jim mind you...think a younger, college age Mick Foley). I'm not a supergenius but can handle my own in a conversation with  or without the aid of my good friend alchohol or mr juana.  

Unfortunately, I have dated only a few times. Some wonder why. Most could care less but my friends wonder. And here comes the meat of the matter.

You see I didnt grow up here. Where I come from is a rather messy little place politically and well..things go Boom in the night alot.  Being your a rather smart bloke you've in all probability already guessed where but I hope you dont mind me being vague still. Now as you prbably have guessed as well my family was rather involved  in "political activities." Imagine a more wanky version of the italian mob meets drunken wannabe soccor hooligans. So, family has been involved for long as anyone can remember. We are not saints, we are'nt glamourous rogues...we're just dumbasses mostly (say that like Red Forman from that 70s show if you weeel). 

Now we meet my father, my father does his family business and all, even starts bringing his new child (yeah me) into the business. But when the child starts to get into the double digits he realises that his son will one day go beyond "delivery boy" and wants out. Well, just like the movies, no one ever gets out. Very long story short, eventually ( quite a few years later) he brings me to this side of the world and his son has an accident...he returns home alone and "greiving his lost son." I spend some time with some other people and start growing Canada of all places but still. Then one day at a tender age of 17 i get news about both his and my uncle's death. I, the now last of my family (there were never many of us) decide to come to America. And now we catch up to where I am now. I have an entirely different name and, more importantly, a different life. But in the back of my head looms that dark cloud.   

Am I complely innocent? No. Am I a monster that derserves utter damnation? i dont think so, more than anyone else. I have and will continue to try to accomplish making this world a little less shitty than when i came in it. I probably can't do much, but I will try nonetheless. Why mention this? I am not some common thug, i dont wish to commit crimes or break laws (well unless that 16 year old is really cute) I just want a normal life....wif, kids and all that bollocks.  Now we go to , at long last the mother fucking point: should i really date or even expect this? I know the dating is such a silly thing to whine about. I've done so muchto become successful but I get so fucking lonely. Also, in teh back of my head I always wonder "when it will come." No matter how good things are i half expect the cops to come for me,..or worse my fathers old friends. I know,....they think im dead and gone. I couldnt have know very much of anything but enough for some types of it would probably be to prove some idiotic point. Every time i dated i kept thinking of us being happy then one day "insert random scene from mob movie here." Soon after that I would ditch em and be happy alone. I havent dated in two and a half years now and am pretty good about keeping distance from everyone. But damn,... if all I can haev is money  what is the fucking point I wonder...and I've been poor most of my life. Heh, but funny enough,...the money doesnt feel as good as I thought it would....kind of hollow.

Should i just try and go for it all? Get the wife and kids and morgage and dogs and whatever fucking else? i want that in some ways (well except her being a lil more wild and punk than your everyday Jane American) but then I think "what if"? It may never happen,..but If I love someone truly can I take that chance? And how the hell am I ever going to get a non "affiliated" woman I could be truthful with about this shit...and trust me 'family" women are comletely devoid of any redeeming qualities. Aww fuck man...maybe I should just fucking keep plugging away and try to make the world better for the people that can have that. This is about as careless as I have ever been about this bullshit and I'm half and half about you printing this. I really would rather not,...but I'd so liek to see people not "join up" with any family. half of these guys think it's some fucking glamourous not, it sucks...and even worse you trap your fucking innocent family along for the ride. That fucking normal life is so wonderful, and sadly almost no one ever knows how great it is until you dont have it. I never did. i want it. Oh well Hyatte,... printing wise I'll leave it up to rather not tho...but if you could reply with advise i'd appreciiate it. If you rather not awnser due to moral obligations thats alright too. Either Way thanks


Hmm… lemme see if I have this right: 

You’re currently living under an assumed name, and the main players in your former life, those who know where you are are dead. 

And I guess, judging from the way you called me “bloke”, you’re Irish. 

Okay… how good is your new identity?  Do you have a fake passport?  Birth Certificate?  Visa?  Social security number?  Can you be traced? 

You’re vague with your current doings.  Are you still active?  Do you still blow people up?  Are you still doing naughty stuff you really shouldn’t be doing?  Or are you just trying to live a peaceful life?  Are you wanted?   

If so, then proceed with a normal, active social life.  If you’re trying real hard to create a new life, then go to it.  I strongly doubt your enemies will go through the trouble of hunting you down.  As far as I know, the IRA doesn’t venture much out of Ireland.  There weren’t any Irish lads with an agenda on those planes during 9-11.  They stay at home and lob grenades at sheep. 

So, if your new identity is really airtight, I think you’re safe.  People who want to be hidden stay hidden; their enemies usually don’t have the time or resources to track you down.  

Case in point:  Legendary Boston mob boss James “Whitey” Bulger was presumed dead for the longest time, until a photo of him chilling in London recently turned up… did they run to London to get him?  Not as far as I know.  And that cat was on the FBI’s 10 most wanted list. 

So I think you’re safe.  Jesus, in fact, tell your dates just how exciting your old life was.  Chicks LOVE that.  You’re limp little Irish crank will have more action than it knows what to do with. 

Hey Hyatte, 

I've been single for a month now, and 'cos I'm working on a play at school and devoting about 10 hours a day at the theatre (schoolwork be damned!), I haven't really had that much time to contemplate the single life. 

Anyway, for the play I have an assistant. She is absolutely smoking hot, and a really nice girl, too. When I first met her, it was like instantaneous attraction. I've listened to your advice to the video store guy about watching her around others, and while

she is a bit of a flirt, she flirts just that extra bit with me. Trouble is, she has a boyfriend. I know I'm totally biased on this one, but so far (to me, at least) she hasn't hasn't said anything good about him. I get to hear the problems. 

He's gets jealous at the drop of a hat, he doesn't appreciate the work she does for the theatre, things to that effect. 

I'm totally hung up on her. However, I've been hanging around with one of the other Assistant Stage Managers, who is not as physically attractive as my Hottie

Assistant, but is really fucking cool to talk to.  She's a bit of a cutie, too. Trouble is, she's 17 (skipped two grades and fast-tracked through high school to be in second-year university). I'm 22, and I have a bit of an issue with the five year age difference. 

Now, this Assistant Stage Manager knows that I'm totally hung up on my assistant. Then one day, out of the blue she tells me that she likes me. As I've spent an average of 8 hours at a time with her these past few days, we've started to hang out after rehearsal and stuff like that. I'm a great guy once you get to know me. 

Enough backstory. I'm definitely *not* going to be dating anyone for awhile, considering that I've just ended a long-term relationship. But when I decide I'm ready to re-enter the dating world, and also once the show is wrapped, which girl do I pursue? The smokin' hottie who, if I put a whole lot of effort into it, I could *probably* land, or do I cut my losses now and go after the one who is interested in me? 

Before you suggest it, going for both is not an option as they are both friends. (Threesome's a possiblity, though) :). Just kidding on that one. 

My big problem is that I care about them both. Even if I don't hook up with either of them, we'd still hang out and stuff like that. I just don't want the other one to feel as if she's the silver medal, so I've definitely got to get over this crush before I would try anything with her. 

Who do I go for? Which one? Which one? WHICH ONE??? 

Please help a guy out, 



Always, and I mean ALWAYS go for the sure bet.  And don’t wait until the play is wrapped either.  Jeeze.  When it’s just you and her, alone, at night, on the set, going over the little details, and she’s really into you because you’re the boss, you’re in charge of everything.  Buddy, you just don’t get a better atmosphere for some hot sex. 

And nevermind the 5 year age gap.  For crying out loud, I’ve hit on 18 year olds when I was 27!  Now that I’m in my 30’s, I’ve drew the line at 21, but if I see a hot little 17 year old, I try to get them to promise me at least a blowjob by the time they hit 20.  You’re 22… you’re allowed to mess with a 17 year old.  Just avoid her parents. 

Now as you tag the 27 year old, you might be able to make your assistant jealous enough to consider a little side action with you… so you get that perk too. 

Hell, you may actually even get a three-way out of this! 

So yeah, the best thing to do is to “settle” with the 17 year old.  You’ve got less to lose and more to gain. 

Oh, and stop listening to the assistant’s boyfriend problems.  That never helps your cause.    

Well, like most of your readers, I have problems.  No, wait, that came out wrong.  I'll put it this way: I have a couple of intertwined dilemmas and I'm looking for some offbeat advice.  Why offbeat?  The "obvious" advice that people offer just isn't feasible or the way I want to live my life.  And when I thought about offbeat, I thought about the Ann Landers of the Internet Wrestling Community.

So, to start with, Hyatte, here's some background on me.  I'm twenty-one, not in college, and have only started dating in the last couple of years.  I'm not good looking and didn't even go out with anyone until I was nineteen (No one seem interested and I'm not very social), but I figured out that I could use the Internet to meet people who love me for my irresistibly charming personality and then they wouldn't mind the bad looks so much after we met. ;-)  So far, so good.  I've had four or five girlfriends, at least three of them serious, and have done everything there is to do physically (Well, at least what I'm capable of with my not-so-limber body. ;-)).

All of this puts me well ahead of where I thought I'd be in the love department if you had asked me a couple of years ago where I'd be today.  I feel very lucky to be where I am in many ways (Nothing like going through your high school years without a date to make you appreciate being with girls later on, right?).  The problem is this... I want to get married young and no one I like ever seems interested.  Oh, sure, I've had girls say they want to be with me forever, blah, blah, blah; but within six months or less I've been dumped and they've moved on.  I like the idea of waking up and seeing the same face every morning and having that sort of companionship and security.  Dating for me is a means to that end.  For various reasons, though, girls either aren't interested in going in that direction with me, or they aren't interested in going that direction period at the time I date them (Wanting to start careers first, etc.).

The solution seems elementary.  Be patient.  Suffer through the present, date a bunch of people, and maybe in 5-10 years something will work out.  There are far worse things to suffer through.

Here's the twist, though.  I'm am in fairly poor health.  I was fine until I was about eighteen, other than having a weight problem on and off.  I'm not dying, though it seemed like I might for a while (Fortunately, that particular health problem cleared up.).  What I'm left with is a lot of fatigue and muscle aches.  This makes working difficult, and as a result I only make about $75 a week.  The condition I have has no cure (Though sometimes it just goes away) and makes qualifying for disability very difficult (Though some people do) since it's hard to prove you have it and that it's severe enough to qualify.  In any event I am uninsured and can't afford the doctor's visits to establish my condition and apply anyhow.  I've researched job options, and, trust me, what I'm doing now is the only thing I'm likely to be able to do.

I've always wanted to marry young for various reasons, but now it becomes almost imperative if I want to marry at all.  At twenty-one, some women will still take a chance on me and get to know me even though I live with my parents and can't wine and dine them much (That's not so unusual for someone my age, my prospective competition).  Someone could then fall in love enough to eventually put up with the low income and let me be sort of a househusband, take care of a child or something and keep my current part-time job.  If I'm single until I'm twenty-five, fewer people even will give me that first date.  By thirty, I'll have "loser" stamped on my forehead.  It's not a matter of just working a low-wage job at a McDonalds or something and barely eking by, I don't clear $5,000 a year.  And at thirty, I may be living on the streets anyhow and thus have bigger concerns -- I frequently "almost" get kicked out of the house as things stand.

People frequently recommend jobs they think I can do that I can't physically do or think I'll get better through physical therapy or something (That doesn't work for most people with this condition).  I'm not looking for that sort of advice.  What I want to know is this... How do I land a girl and persuade her to settle down with me in fairly short order?  I'm not religious *at all*, so the whole find a good church-girl who wants to start working on a big family early doesn't work (The bible apparently says to marry only fellow Christians, so only agnostics or Christians who aren't very devout will agree to date me.).

Oh, BTW, my current situation love-wise: I have a girlfriend of about four months who is serious with me and who I really like, but will not settle down with anyone for several years to come, and I probably can't afford to wait for unless I'm certain things will eventually work out (And who can ever really be sure with women?).  I also have the former love of my life who I dated for six months hanging around on the outskirts of my life, who I speak with very occasionally, hinting that she may someday maybe want to date me again in the distant future (I doubt it'd work... too much bad blood at the end.)

What do you think?  Any advice other than "Get someone drunk and marry her in a drive-in chapel in Vegas" would be appreciated. :-)  Much as I love wrestling, I don't think going the Triple H route would work out very well in real life. :-) 

No Name.  I probably lost it. 



You know, computer programmers make a hell of a good living just sitting on their ass all day. 

There is the lucrative career as a police dispatcher job too, you don’t even have to be a cop. 

Anyway… what’s the fucking rush?  I’m in my thirties (on the youthful, YOUTHFUL side), not married, have no plans on GETTING married… (EVER, but that’s my own misery that I shant bore you with). 

Dude, you want to get married because you want a mommy you can fuck.  You want someone to take care of you AND give you sex.   

Now most girls want to marry someone who’ll take care of THEM, and eat them out at least 4 nights a week.  Even the ones who are successful in life will only settle for someone of equal or greater success.  This is why I haven’t married Trish Stratus… yet. 

What girl in her right mind would want to settle for the likes of YOU?  What do you have to offer them other than a stiff penis that can’t hang longer than 10 minutes a night? (if this fatigue issue you’re screaming about is as brutal as you say, then an energetic night of passion isn’t possible.  Good sex is TIRING, yo.  It’s a frickin’ workout! 

You…. Wow, I don’t know… take stock of yourself.  What do you have to offer anyone?  From what you tell me, not much. 

Man, you need to seriously re-evaluate yourself.  Living with mom and dad at 21 is just fine.  King Stud Hyatte didn’t leave the roost until he was 24.  You shouldn’t be in such a rush.  And stop being so desperate.  Girls can smell desperation a mile away. 

Okay, you probably don’t want to hear any of this, so here’s my bullshit advice that will do you NO good in the long run, but answers your question all the same:  Seek a fat chick.  Seek some ugly, homely, pa6thetic slob who’s 10X more desperate than you.  She’ll be the one who’ll take care of you and bring home the bacon while you tend to the children (and if you think raising kids isn’t exhausting… whoo man, are you in for a shock).  Go find the most heinous pig you can and hold onto her for dear life.  She’ll stick with you forever if you make her feel wanted and appreciated. 

That’s the best I have for ya’.  But, dude, I really sense a lot of laziness here. 


Been reading you for years now, since Scoops. And it's all been killer. 

Anyways... I've just recently gotten out of a relationship with an abusive girl - six months of hell. She essentially made me feel like shit for every drink I had before I met her, drug I took in college, and every girl I was with, again, before I met her. Keep in mind she drank just as hard as me, took worse drugs, and slept with (literally) twice as many people as me.  Finally, I ended things with her and she spent a month and a half stalking  me, which has fortunately come to an end. 

Yes, I have a propensity to attract psychos - this was just the most extreme case. But, I have good people around me so I'm alright and all, I've just made the (wise) decision to stay away from any kind of relationship for the forseeable future. At least, that was the plan, before my best friend's girlfriend, whom I'm also very close with, introduced me to HER best friend. 

This girl that I was introduced to has only been in long relationships, four and five years, respectively. She, too, got out of things when they turned sour, and she too, doesn't want to get involved with someone so quickly. 

Then we started talking, just about every night, for hours at a time, and a very strong connection was formed. She's sexy, she's confident, she's a smartass, she's got just as much sarcasm as I do. It took about a week before we'd go out and do things without the people who introduced us being around. 

She's on vacation right now, but before she left we went to see the Matrix together and we ended up making out for several hours, so I know my feelings are mutual. 

But there's still the cloud of bad relationships hanging over both our heads, and the fear that to get involved so soon could not only end up in a failed relationship but destroy our friendship. As it stands, we're holding off on anything until she gets back from her vacation, but I think the general idea is that if anything happens, we should take it slow. 

We both have a very long string of failed pasts. Are we screwed? Is it too dangerous to take a chance on her? I can tell she's not a psycho because the same things pissed us off about our exes, but at the same time, I feel like I'm juggling a good friend with a relationship and if I drop one, they're both going to break. 

(Name withheld) 

The fuck is the matter with you?   

Screw the past; look towards the future.   

Jesus Christ.  Usually it’s the girl who is worried about the ghosts of relationships past. 

The fuck.  This might be the dumbest, most pointless letter I’ve ever received.   

*Sigh… stop being a pussy and go for it.  You know how tough it is to find the perfect girl? 

I'm in Uni, 24 and about 4-5 years older than half of the women I meet. I'm not worried about how to get them. It's odd, but losing my hair seems to have been the best thing to happen to my confidence. I don't think an 18-year-old me would've believed that. 

Anyway; My choice in women is fucked up and I can't think why. At the moment there's a nice 21-year-old girl who I know from class. She's got the same interests as me, same humour, we get on great and I think she's really pretty. I don't want her. 

Then there's the woman a few years older than me who definately likes me. She's the one who's done all the chasing and my friends are pushing me into going out with her due to her being bi-sexual, having money  and "gagging for it", to coin a phrase. I don't want her either. 

Finally there's a 20-year-old friend from class with the same humour and interests again but she has a boyfriend that she's devoted to. She IS attracted to me. She doesn't want to leave her boyfriend or cheat on him, but it would only take a little nudge to change her mind. My god... I want her. 

I'm not interested in advice about what to do in this situation as my common sense worked that out already. I'd just like to know if you have any ideas why I'd want someone so totally unavailable over 2 much better offers, as this is turning into a reoccuring theme. 

Yes, yes I do. 

Because you’re a fucking human being.  That’s why. 

Everyone’s like that.  The less shot you have, the more you want. 

Again, I refer to my own personal exhibit A:  Trish Stratus. 

By the way, try to fuck all three and have a party. 


Been a fan since Scoops.  I remember when it was called the Tuesday Morning Mop up!  Ahh good times... 

I have a question. It seems that most of your advice is based on how to score a chick.  Well, mine is not that.  I've already found one. She is smart, funny, and EXTREMELY hot. I would actually consider her to be "out of my league."  But she seems to like me so thats cool.   

When I first met Anna (at a non-busy canadian gym btw!),  she was still involved with someone at the time. She was under the impression that this guy was "the one."  But he broke it off. And she was hurt.  I myself had been seeing someone too. And that was not going anywhere, only because I had heard rumours about her through the grapevine that she couldnt be trusted. I actually found this out the hard way but I stayed with her anyways. Only for sexual purposes. I ended up wasting a good 9 months on this. I got tired of playing stupid games so I stopped. 

Anyways, a month or two after I met Anna, we went out. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and I had just stopped pursuing my "ex". And the first date was fantastic. We both hit it off right from the get go. And since then, my life has been great with her in it. And I can't think of her not being there.  

But because we have both been hurt before in the past, we find we have a hard time trusting our feelings. I've had a couple rebounders before and this is SO not like any of those. I guess what I'm asking is, how do you know if it's really love? The big problem that I'm having is we've only been dating for 2 months. But it feels like we've known each other forever. We are so comfortable together. I told Anna more in the first week than I did the entire year I spent with my "ex."  Is it possible to love after such a short period of time?  Is it possible to be TOO good?

Anna is going to school in my area and will be around till June. But after that she is moving back home, about 4 hours from here. I do have a job right now, a contract position that ends roughly the same time. Is it too early to be thinking about moving?

So, Hi-8, do I really have any reason to be writing you here? Or do I just sound like a whineass?  



How do you know it’s love.  Well, I’ll tell you: 

She’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning. 

She’s the last thing you think of when you go to sleep at night. 

And you cannot count all the times you think of her in the middle of waking up and going back to sleep. 

When you are with her, you feel happy for no reason. 

You can sleep with her in your arms without thinking about sex, without even a hardon. 

Something doesn’t feel right when she’s not with you. 

And you have all the above feelings even after you’ve had sex with her on a regular basis. 

Then you know it’s love. 

You’ll know it’s a relationship that might LAST when all those little habits of hers that you SHOULD find annoying but currently find “cute” start to get a bit annoying; but you know you can get used to them. 

June is a long time away.  Don’t worry about changing your life to accommodate hers just yet.  Just continue to have fun. 

And no, it’s never too early to fall in love with someone.  So long as you’re not confusing love with lust.   

Good for you. 

Hey, I'm not a huge follower of yours or anything, I quite like this advice column though. Good job. 

I've got a quick question. I've always been, not colossally fat, but chubby, 240lbs, 6'3". So a few weeks ago I got into a debate with my friend and he ended up challenging me to get thin. So I set to work on it, there's £10 in it for me and being thin could be a change of pace. It's going good, lost 10lbs in 2 weeks, two days, aiming for another 25lbs or so to lose. I was just wondering how to get rid of loose skin in the event that I have any. So far I've basically just been eating a bit less and running up stairs, doing some sit-ups every day, which has been pretty successful thus far. Cheers in advance 

Hulk Hogan 

Wow!!  Hulk Hogan!  How’s the knee? 

Rapid weight loss means loose, flappy skin.  End of story.  The more you lose, the more skin you’ll be stuck with. 

One show, I believe it was “20/20”, featured a guy who dropped 200 lbs in ONE YEAR.  Now he was a freak, a gross freak with pounds and pounds of skin draped over him.  He has to go for surgery to cut all that shit off.  Same as Richard Hatch, the first “Survivor” winner.  This is all from rapid weight loss.  That’s why the best way to lose weight is also the most frustrating—slow and steady, just a couple of pounds a week and allow you skin to naturally shrink. 

So, you have options here: 

1)      After you win your bet, start lifting weights.  Use muscle to stuff that skin with. 

2)      Surgery. 

3)      Do very steady, very tedious isotonic exercises. 

4)      Forget about it, you’ll gain it all back anyway, and the weight will bring friends. 

I’d go with option four.  You’ll get it all back, everyone does.  Who are you kidding? 

And remember, Hulk… when it all comes crashing down and it hurts inside…. Something, something, something… 

hey Hyatte

I'm 16 and my parents have been split for as long as I can remeber.  I've lived with my mom my whole life, but went to my dads everyother weekend for a long time, up untill about 2 years ago. 

My dad and I would always get into verbal arguments, or he and my mom, and I'd take her side, because well...she was right, and he has this tendancy to be a bi polar psycho.  I was never really comfortable around him, I always had to watch what I said, it was like walking on egg shells for 2 days.  Now he and I got into another thing, around fall of 2001, I have no idea what, something petty.  Any way, that's when it went from seeing him everyother weekend, to maybe once a month.  Before I knew it I was a much happier guy.  I was always shy at school, but I found myself not being intimidated by other kids, and finally being myself.  And dare I say it becoming somewhat liked...I was inventing reasons to not go to my dads. 

My dad was a house nurse, and in july of 2002 his paitent died.  Now my dad had lost his job.  I job he really shouldn't have been doing in the first place.  My dad is damn near cripple (he can hobble with a cane, that about covers it).  And to be honest for the last year or so the kids family had been doing most of the work(he had muscular distrophy). 

So with no work he had no money, and had determined that he didn't want me to see him like that.  Living so poor.  My mom wound up paying his bills, while he applied for 100% dissablility (he was at 70).  My mom more or less took care of him finacially.  They grew to be damn close.  But by Febuary of this year, he got his money back, and was an ass again. 

I went over there for one last weekend that month, and it was...not pleasant.  He was being an ass and beating himself up so bad for not being able to work something that I just went to my room.  The next day we said a handfull of words to eachother untill my mom got there and took me home. 

Then in June, my half sister in california decided to come out for a vist.  She was suppose to come out for a week with me and my mom.  But my dad got to her and conviced her to spend the first few nights with him. 

She got here on saturday night, and I came over that monday.  We went out, and after about 3 hours she started to get tired, and wanted to go home.  He got PISSED, drove us straight home, and stayed in his room for about 4 hrs, untill my mom picked us up for something at my aunts house.  While there my sister called her mom and told her about dad...not a good move, as her mom called my dad, and he was even more pissed.  That night against my better judgement I agreed to stay there at dads with her.  He stayed back in his room, and my sister cried her eyes out, I had to comfort her.  He leaves the house and sits in his truck for like 2-3 hours.  We check the house to make sure he left all his guns in there, thank god they were. 

The next morning I wake up to him in my face( I slept on the couch in the living room)  "what do you want to do today" he said while somehow managing to not sound like a happy camper.  "I don't know, I'm gonna go talk to marisa" was my response.  She just wants to go to my house.  So I report that to dad.  "Fine" we loaded up her stuff, and were at my house in 5-7 minutes (I'm not kidding), which is pretty impressive considering it's about 10-12 miles difference.  The next day marisa is on the 1st flight home, and aside from him calling and saying "let me speak to your mother" we haven't spoken since. 

Now to the question.   With all that history, why do I still feel like I should again be the bigger man, and give my dad another shot.  The man has no friends, and my mom and I are the closest thing he has to a family, his other kids hate him, and so do I, I just can't shake this feeling of sorrow for him.  My closet friends say that "no matter what he's your dad" now maybe a guy who lost his dad a few years ago isn't the best guy in the world to ask about this, but alas.  Anyway, I know I'm happier without him, I know he's unhealthy for me and my mom, but I still feel bad for see what I'm asking here. 

Thanks, cut out what ever you want in this, I know it's long.


Wait a second… 

You’re 16? 

And your Dad is 70???? 

Dude, your old man’s a STUD, yo.  Wow! 

I can’t tell you what to do here.  It’s totally your call.  I WILL say you are much too young and emotionally ill-equipped (not your fault, just the way it is) to be dealing with this drama.  I guess you should just try to find the best qualities of your old man and focus on them.  I suppose you should stick with him until you cannot take it for one second longer.  Then cut your losses and walk. 

Look at the bright side:  if he’s 70 and in such piss poor health, he can’t POSSIBLY stay alive for too much longer. 

I've always maintained the fact that if I ever had to resort to calling or writing to a Dr, Laura, or Dr Phil or any of that ilk for advice that it was already pretty much over and I'd might as well go ahead and just slash my wrists. But after being acquainted with you over the net for a while now, and although I wouldn't exactly call us Buddies, I can say in cyberland we have met and you seem like a fairly stand up guy. So what I'm really asking for here is moreover an opinion than advice as for I have already pretty much decided which avenues on these issues I'm going to take.  

Since everyone in my small circle of friends here has taken either one side or the other, I figured it wouldn't hurt to get the opinion of someone I respect and will shoot from the hip without giving me the company line as so to speak. (In other words if I am being an idiot you'll tell me), first thing is ,Less than a year ago my Sister married one of my best friends, I knew this was going to be a disaster when they told me, and told them both so, they had dated years previously and that ended in a clusterfuck, then suddenly years later out of nowhere they announce that they are getting married, imagine my excitement. He is a drunk who is supposed to be on meds for depression and she's in menopause and nuttier than a Stuckeys log right now. Last week he stayed drunk and kinda trashed the house, she got weary of it, which is quite understandable, but she called the cops and told them he was a convicted felon (Crank sales 10 years ago) and that he had weapons in the house, well needless to say he was hauled off and is now staring down the barrel of 5 years hard time. I'm not pissed at her, and I'm not pissed at him, I'm pissed at them and this whole fucking mess because neither of em had the sense to think about what they were doing. I have decided to just keep my distance from both. In my opinion he shoulda just left when she asked, and she didn't have to go to length she did, when she told me what she'd done I heard more vindictiveness in her voice than fear about the guns. I believe that just washing my hands of the both of them and just staying the fuck away is my best option, what do you think? 

Second. I have had an ongoing battle with my 13 year old daughter who I only get every other weekend. What it boils down to is about 6 months ago she started to cancel our weekends for various reasons (Birthday parties, sleep overs that kinda stuff) and at first I was cool about it, I understand that that shits bound to happen and I was quite lenient about it, but then it started to become regular, after the 5th month I had only had her here twice, the next time she bailed I got pissed, I didn't freak or anything I told her fine, tell your mom I'll mail this months support and I'll talk to you later and hung up before I said anything stupid. Well the shitstorm that created was way overblown the claim was I hung up on her, and a bunch of other shit that had no real merit. I can't understand, it's not a nightmare here, she goes shopping with my landlady all the time and we go fishing, and I was even letting her start to drive the car so its not like it sucked here, her room has a stereo DVD player, computer, and her own mini fridge, matter of fact I went out of my way to make it her home. well Last time I talked to her I told her when she was ready to talk about this or come back here to call me, I wont call her and that I wouldn't force her to do anything. Now we haven't spoke in a long time. My take is she needs to learn some form of familial responsibility and that  actions have repercussions, and one of those is mine not calling her until she understands that she too has a responsibility to family just like the rest of us. I know this sounds a bit immature on my part, but you must understand that when you are in a position such as mine with the ex and the kid the only real tool I have is silence, is it kicking my ass, well fuck yea, but if it can teach her something then I can eat the hurt. And dragging this into court would equal forcing the kid into a position I don't want her in and that's being forced to do something I would rather her want to do. So basically what I'm asking is in your humble opinion am I being a dick here, because I truly believe that I am doing the right thing here. Hope your Holidays were great.

Name withheld. 

Issue #1:  Stay away!  For the love of God, get out of the way o’ THAT trainwreck! 

No, better yet, set yourself up at a comfortable distance, pop some popcorn, grab a few beers, find a nice chair, settle in and quietly watch the fireworks.  Those two people are idiots who deserve everything they get, and neither of them will listen to your advice anyway.  So just relax and keep muttering to yourself, “Better them than me!” 

Issue #2:  Forgive your daughter, cuz all she’s doing is being a teenager.  They all do that.  No one loves daddy forever.  They grow up and start hating you.  That’s life, amigo.  Just be steadfast, patient, loving, and understanding.  She’ll grow out of that rebellious phase and start talking to you again.  And when she does, no matter how long it takes, just let it happen, act like you’ve been talking forever.  Act like nothing changed. 

That’s the responsibility of a parent, especially a part-timer.  It sucks, but one of you has to be the mature one, and she doesn’t have the tools for that yet. 

Hi Hyatte 

I know you get a few questions that aren't about women, but not enough.  Well, here's one of those.  I realize you're not a lawyer, but you're wll-read and, dare I say, learned, so perhaps you can answer. 

I got a new job with a pharmaceutical marketing company.  All is well.  However, when I signed on I had to sign a non-compete clause for 1 year after I left the company.  My question is two-fold: 

1)  Is this legal? 

2)  If so, is it enforceable? 

Now, I think it might be legal, cause they're not stopping me from getting any kind of job, just not a similar one.  But what the hell is the point of working there then?  If I want to advance and can't do it within the company but could for a competitor, THEY are the ones not working out, not me.  Shouldn't I be able to apply the skills I've learned there wherever I want? 

With that in mind, what's to stop me from joining a competitor and just not telling them?  How could they find out?  Once I'm out of their employ, they have no legal right to access any information that would tell them my employer, right? 

I have no intention of leaving any time soon (especially since I can get them to pay for my getting a Master's, which would make me an indentured servant for 2 years after getting the degree), but I want to have options should I ever decide to do it. 

Thanks for your help


Hell yeah it’s legal.  EVERY company does it.  It’s to keep the competition from headhunting up the hot up and comers.  Who says the boardroom war isn’t as brutal and as ugly as any other?  In fact, the boardroom war is infinitely more cunning. 

You should actually be flattered.  That no-compete contract you signed is basically them saying: “Look, you’re too good, so we have to take precautions here.” 

Is it enforceable?  Yup.  You won’t go to jail, but not only will you get sued, the company you jumped to will get sued HUGE, and they would lose HUGE.  That’s a pretty ugly red flag on your resume; so really, the no-compete clause is more of a deterrent for any wiseass competitor looking to snap you up then it is for you.  It’s there to keep them away. 

How will they find out?  The moment your new boss is served with legal papers from the lawyer of your old boss, that’s when.  Oh, as a bonus, your new company can fire you and then SUE YOU for not disclosing that little helpful nugget of info.  You have to tell any potential new boss anything that may hinder you work performance—oh yes, that definitely qualifies. 

Now, if your old boss FIRES you, then the no-compete is rendered null and void, because they can’t KEEP you from actively seeking out new employment if they no longer want you with them.  That’s the good news.  So if you want to jump ship, you have to get yourself fired. 

So keep your moth shut, go to work, and feel honored they actually let a lawyer bill them for the hour or two it took to drawr up that contract for you.    


Here's the situation:

I'm 28.  I lived with my ex for three years.  Worst three years of my life.  She stabbed me twice.  I got two concussions.  The cops were at our place at least once a week for noise complaints because of our arguments until 4 in the morning.  We had virtually no dishes because she smashed them all trying to throw them at me.  She'd throw jewelry I'd bought her out the window of a moving car, and then I'd go through the trouble of finding it in the middle of the street just so she could flush it down the toilet in front of me.  Still, despite all of this, she'd be able to make it up to me and make me think that everything would be fine, and we kept it up for three years, until I got accepted into law school.  This entailed a move about an hour away to another city.  We planned on moving together, up until the week we were supposed to meet with the apartment locator, which is when she told me she wasn't moving, but we'd still be together.  I smelled bullshit, but I know from experience that arguing with her wasn't going to get me anywhere (obviously).  Long story short, I move, and two weeks later, she's found someone else.  I cut off all ties to her cold, and worry about law school stuff.  Naturally, I meet another girl within weeks.  I pull my usual game, and she breaks up with her boyfriend of three years to get with me, and no sooner than when I get her is when I want nothing to do with her and want the old girl who treated me so wrong back.   

It's a new situation for me; I'm not sitting around moping, being pathetic.  I pulled the girl in, but then I couldn't stand her.  And it wasn't the girl's fault; she was beautiful, smart, and incredibly sweet.  To tell the truth, I felt a lot of guilt about her breaking up with her boy of three years.  But the truth of the matter is, I hated her.  Every minute I was with her was agony and I couldn't stand being around her.  When she'd insist on staying the night, I'd end up as far away on the bed as possible from her.  I ended up stringing the other girl along for three weeks or so, but the majority of the time was spent wondering why in the world did I have another girl here with me.   

So now I'm trying to figure out how to get back on the horse again: the going out and getting the girl horse.  Only thing is, I don't want to go through that hate-thing again.  I'd like to say that I'm over my ex, but it's a day-to-day thing, really, and if she were to show up again, I can't honestly say what I'd do.   

So, Hyatte, how do I get back on that horse and avoid hating the women I end up with for not being my ex? 


Your problem is that the ex was FUN. 

“Worst three years of your life”… your ASS.  That chick was feisty, psychotic, insane, and extreme!  Never a dull moment with that one.  The sex was probably amazing too.  I’ll donate my left nut to science if she didn’t give the best blowjobs ever… porn star quality blowjobs. 

Now you bailed on her and get these nice, normal, BORING chicks.  You got her to break up with her ex because at offered SOME semblance of excitement, but it’s still like the alcoholic drinking O’Doul’s.  Yeah, you can kind of taste the beer but… 

Look, this is like the guy who tosses his chute out of the airplane first, then dives out after it reducing himself to renting a trampoline every other weekend.  Eventually, he’ll get use to it, and maybe grow to like it… eventually, maybe. 

Thing with you is, the rebound girl isn’t a trampoline, she’s a real girl with real feelings.  Guess what, every nice girl has feelings.  Stop abusing them; they did NOTHING to you other than dare to like you and hope you liked them for who they are.  Stop being so fucking selfish. 

Grow up. 

I like my ears.  I plan on keeping them forever.  Not sure why I wanted to say that, I just do.  Anyway, next letter: 

Hyatte, I need your ear 

I’m sure my problem seems old hat by now, but it’s my problem and therefore the greatest there is.  I’ll try to be as concise as possible though. 

I have been seeing this girl for close to a year and a half, and she is my first.  First relationship, sexual encounter, etc.  I am 23.  I’ll be the first to admit it; I’m whipped.  The smallest thing, like going out with my friends becomes a huge guilt trip.  And I always fall for it, as I feel that since she has turned her back on her parents (who absolutely hate this Canadian white boy; she’s Chilean) it’s the least I can do.  All the little things are adding up though.  She seems to think I’m pining for my ex-roomie (I used to live with four girls), even though I don’t so much as talk to her and want nothing to do with her.  Every time my current and I have an argument, she throws in my face that once I paid more attention to this other bizzo while I was drunk at a party, even if it has nothing to do with our fight.  I feel like I will never live it down, to the end of my days. 

We’ve talked about marriage, which I’m in no rush for, and not wanting to convert to Catholicism for.  I love this girl, but I’m already having doubts.  She’s madly in love with me, but I don’t know why; I’m moody, and we have very little in common. 

Which brings me to the wildcard:  there’s another girl I’ve had a mad crush on since before I even met my current.  We have a certain chemistry, and a lot in common.  We both love hip hop (which my current hates), and since she’s Swiss she shares my insane love of soccer.  After weeks of her begging me, I went and visited her at her new house, and she’s so hot and fun to hang out with.  I may be in the friend zone, but I have a feeling I’m not. 

I can’t bring myself to break it off with my current.  Partly because I don’t have the balls, part because I have guilt over someone who gave up so much for me (she moved out of her parents huge house and gave up her car to live in the ghetto with me), and part because I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone again who loves me like she does; problems and all.  But I’m like you in that I love being by myself.  I’m moody and grouchy, and she needs to have every waking moment not spent working, together.  If I try to get some alone time, she says that I don’t love her. 

I can’t win, and I’m at the end of my rope.  Sorry for my letter being all over the place.  Much appreciative of your help/tough love 

Please withhold name 

No, you can’t have my ear.  Didn’t you read what I just SAID?  Jesus. 

If this hot tamale was such a nightmare, why did you hook up with her in the first place? 

Tie her up, toss her in the trunk, and drive her back to her parent’s mansion.  Dump her on the front yard, then floor it. 

Man, those feelings of guilt will QUICKLY turn to hate… probably has already.  You are guaranteeing yourself a huge nightmare by committing to her.  Get out… fast…. Now. 

No, really… right now.  This… this is going to get ugly if you stay with her… brutally ugly… life changing ugly.  There will be scars… lots of scars. 

Unless you WANT to be dominated for the rest of your life!  If so, then mail your nuts to me.  I’ll fry them up and feed them to my bird.  Then, at least they’ll be of use to SOME creature! 

I like the way this next guy starts off his letter: 


First off, you rock.  Now, why are women so fucked up?  And away we go. 

Last week one of my buddies hit the big 2-1 so everybody decided the best thing to do was to get him shit faced and then take him to a titty bar.   

Well, me and another bud took care of getting him shitty and the rest of the guys took care of rounding up a big group to meet us at the titty bar.  They did a good job and got about 15 peeps in there and here's my question arises.   

One of these peeps was a girl by name of Jen.  I don't really know the girl, kind of a friend of a friend.  Well as soon as I get in there there's a HOT dancer all catholic school girled up on the main stage, so I pull up a seat front and center next to Jen, she says hi, I stare at hot naked chick.  After the girl got thru I snapped out of it and mentioned that it was cool for Jen to come, which she then says it's cool cause she can admire the female form.  Well I'd had a little to drink myself and proceed to spend the next hour trying to convince her that making out with chicks is all the rage and she should try eating the hairy taco.  She seemed kind of annoyed by it so I went back to gawking at the stage. 

The next night me and a few friends are hanging out at my place when Jen calls me on my cell.  Before the previous night we'd never really spoke and I never gave her my cell number, but she called me and wanted me to go over to another friends house, paraphrasing it sounded like, "You should come hang out with us, you're fun and you don't come around enough."  So I went over about half an hour later, she said hi, smiled and that was it.  I just chilled, played some mean foozball and had fun, then when she left she said bye to everyone, then hugged me and said bye.  Nobody else got a hug.  The next night I go back over and when I walk in her face lights up, she waves and says hey, and then nothing.   I was tired so I wasn't much for striking up conversation and she didn't either, instead hung in a corner with a rest of the chicks why foozball was running wild, that game is like crack. 

So that bring us to now, what is the fucking deal here?  Does this chick dig me?  Should I try and lay down some moves?  For the record, sure she's nice and all, but the girl ain't for me.  It just wouldn't work, she's not my type, I'm not hers, no biggie, but I wouldn't mind tapping that ass either.   

So what do you think dude? 


I think you should talk to her and see what she thinks.  Girls are surprising, they actually answer questions when asked with a modicum of tact. 

I also think you should date her (if she is willing), tap that ass, as you so colorfully put it, then afterwards sit her down and say, “Look, sweetcheeks, this ain’t happening, we don’t have chemistry.” And break it cleanly.  She’ll probably agree, if the connection is as non-existent as you say. 

End of story.  Easy. 

Hello there Hyatte, 

A question for ya.  More socially related than anything. 

I'm 32 years old, and for years I've had pursuits that kindof dominated my life.  Whether it was comic books, or pro-wrestling, or role-playing games, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Star Trek/Dr. Who television shows, what have you.  I mean this used to dominate my life.  My thoughts would revolve around this shit.   

Now, of course, like everyone else who writes to your column, I didn't date that much.   

But last year I met a really nice girl.  We get along great.  I proposed to her last summer, and we're getting married next year.  

However, since I've been seeing her, I've found that my interest in these pursuits has diminished.  I don't get as excited to go to the comic book store.  I find most professional wrestling to be boring these days.  And since the departure of Buffy, Farscape, and any Star Trek worth watching, there are few television shows that capture my interest the way that they used to. 

I figure this is one of three things: 

One, I have so much real life things going on with my fiancee that I have little time for these petty things.  Deal with it and move on. 

Two, my tastes are changing in my entertainment.  Television is geared towards those younger than me.  I am not as wowed by a new direction on X-Men or Hellblazer.  I'm bored by the weekly wrestling antics.  So just wait for the new thing to capture my interest.  

Three, the industries are putting out sub-par products.  There are few good genre television shows.  Most current comic books suck.  And pro-wrestling has been in the crapper ever since Vince McMahon bought WCW and ECW folded.  So, just wait til these industries are serving what I like again.  

Since you are roughly my age, and have ridden similar pop culture trains, I figured you could tell me. 



The answer is #1.  SHE is your new hobby, your new interest, your new passion. 

Hellboy doesn’t keep you warm at night.  No he does NOT. 

And since this column will NOT turn into a dissertation on the product of professional wrestling, I shall ignore your #3 option. 

It’s #1.  All your other passions were just to pre-occupy your time so you wouldn’t sit there and sulk about not having a girlfriend.  Now that you have one, those passions fall by the wayside. 


Dear Hyatte 

I'm 19 years old and a high school drop out. I've never had a real job ( I've wrestled professionally and play the guitar in multiple bands ) and I haven't had a relationship since I was 14. I'm a virgin, but I have as you would call it "experience under my belt". I'm not fat, and I'm pretty decent looking. The only thing wrong about my appearence is I'm too intimidating. I have hair down to my stomache and usually sport a beard, or just unshaven because I'm too lazy. Cutting my hair is out of the question, because I like it and I will always look this way because its who I am. My biggest problem is I just don't know what to say to women. I just can't make conversation in person. I'm not even shy, I'm lost for words. I don't know how to start up a conversation or keep one. I've tried online dating but once again I just can't make a connection. My interests are mainly heavy metal, wrestling and video games.. I just can't find anyone I have in common with, and if I do, they live thousands of miles away. I could just bang the groupies that come to see my band, but I don't want to, I want  a relationship and not just with some slut who wants me for my reputation. I just want a nice, normal relationship and I don't know how to get one because most women think I'm a scary junkie! Help! 


Oh God… no more… no more questions about confidence… God, PLEASE… haven’t I answered this question a billion times?   

Look it up in my archives, please, for the love of Allah… the answer is there and it relates directly to YOU. 

AND GET A HAIRCUT, HIPPIE!!!  Shave that beard!  ZZ Top called, they told me to tell you that “Brother, you look gay!”  This ain’t the 70’s anymore, bitch… clean your ass up.  Get with the program.  Good Lord. 

And just like that, I am FRESH out of questions… and time… and patience. 

So send yours in… because the next time you see this column, it will be with brand new questions… fresher than newborn poop!  Cool, huh? 

This is Hyatte


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