HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

 - Chris Hyatte

Oh hi. 

I believe I have enough questions for this column and the next one, so you can keep sending them in, OR you can wait a week, carefully formulate your question in an articulate manner that I will easily understand, and THEN send it in! 

In reference to the non-compete contract clause that I talked about last column, here is a follow up: 

Hey Hyatte, 

Just so you know, as a follow up advise to your guy you should know that some states have a right-to-work law, pretty much making the non compete clause void.  I also think California is one too...not too sure though, tell the guy to look at his state laws to find out if it's legal.  Who know it might not be so bad.  Also a lot of those non-compete clauses have a time limit, the person who leaves the company can go to another company after 6 months time. 

And one last thing, a lot of those non-com also have a range, such as they can't work for any one within a 50 mile radius, so if this guy moves he might not have too many problems.  There is always outs. 

So there you go… 

And then there’s this: 

This isn't Hyatte. You're Hyatte, and you write a good column. 

I never figured I'd write in, seeing as how I have a good life overall, but I wanted to share the same sentiment you expressed to the Hippie Hair guy in your last column.  There seems to be a common theme in the people who write to you.  I'm talking about the ones that have no self esteem, and think that asking you about a particular situation will get them a magic spell for looking people in the eye confidently and picking up on women.   

Now, I used to be one of them - I sympathize.  Well, I sympathize, and at the same time, I'm angered by them, because they remind me of me a few years ago.  I'm 25, and I guess I'm what you would call a success story.  In college, I was a longhaired (metal, not hippie) pot-smoker who rarely went out and was nervous as hell ALL OF THE TIME.  Since then, I've learned a few things, things that you eloquently express in your column.  So with that in mind, here is a list of pointers that sum up your advice, from someone who made it work.  Post it, delete it, print it out and wipe with it for all of me, but here it is. 

1.  Confidence doesn't come easily - it is something that either is innate or has to be cultivated with hard work.  This scares a lot of you, because, let's face it, 99% of you are very lazy when you get right down to it.  GET OFF YOUR ASS! 

2.  Most of your confidence problems stem from physical appearance.  If you're fat, eat less, eat right, and work out.  Do a lot of cardio.  If you are too thin (as I was) eat more, eat right, and work out.  Find something physical that you like, and do it regularly and rigorously. 

3.  Keep up on grooming.  Cut the hair, shave, and dress like you want people to notice you.   

4.  To be confident, you have to give yourself something to be confident in. It doesn't just appear.  The only way to develop it is to set goals, work hard for them, and accomplish them.  To that end, read The Art of War (both translations - they each have their own individual merits) by Sun Tzu.  It has MANY applications. 

5.  Develop good posture - poor posture equals poor spirit.  Sit up straight, carry yourself with some pride.   

6.  Force yourself to look people in the eye and start conversations with them.  Some will be awkward and uncomfortable, others will develop friendships and love interests. 

7.  Don't compromise yourself and don't be a pushover.  This will feel horribly strange at first, but the secret is to keep in mind the ways you are disciplining yourself (exercise, diet, etc.) while you stand up for yourself and it will be much easier. 

8.  Keep in mind that everyone else is just another asshole that doesn't know any more about life than you do.  Don't assume too much about others. Don't assume that everyone is critiquing you or judging you, most times they probably don't care and aren't even thinking about you (they're worrying about what people are thinking about them, just like you are).  

9.  If you smoke a whole lot of pot or drink like there's no tomorrow, knock it off.  Speaking from experience, the sweet leaf makes you lazier and more paranoid than you normally would be.  Don't argue, you know it's true.  And no one likes a drunk - they may think you are funny, but they will only respect you if you carry yourself with dignity.   

These are the ways in which I made my life much better.  I've dated more women in the last year and a half than I did in my whole life before then. I went from a 155 lb. paranoid wreck to a 180 lb. relaxed and confident person.  While there are nine items above, they all have to do with one thing - having an uncompromising mindset.  It all starts with a strong mind, and shifts into other aspects of life.   

Sorry this email is so long, but I thought it might be helpful to have an email from "the other side."  I'm listing my first name, feel free to use it, but please leave my email address off.  Thanks and keep up the good work and fluid writing style. 

(if you use this in your column, please withhold my name.) 

Now I know this won’t stop the questions from coming in, but the more information you get…; knowledge is power; the more you know; the currency of the power is information; insert cliché here. 

Let’s get to it, starting with a DOOZY of a dilemma as one man, one REAL AMERICAN FIGHTS to stop a horrific mistake before it happens: 

Anyway, I hope this isn't breaking any rules of yours or anything, but I've got another question for you. It's a doozy. (Hyatte:  SEE?  I told you!!) 

2 or 3 months back I fell for this girl pretty hard. I got close but never really made it with her. I knew that my friend liked her also, but I figured he'd gotten over her, and she'd grown apart from him as a friend. So he's no problem, I think. Then out of the blue, they're suddenly going out. I go nuts and tell her how I feel (Something I should have done a lot earlier, I realise now. Live and learn), and she says she's sorry but she's really happy about things with my friend. 

Took me a month or so to get over it, but I am. Lately I've been hearing stuff passed on from other friends (Who I trust to be telling me the truth) that they're planning on going to Scotland where the age of consent is 16 and they can legally get married. After less than a month of going out. 

Obviously, I think this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and if I wasn't over her then, I certainly was when I heard this. After much laughing, I decided that someone's definitely going to stop them, and it'll probably have to be me. Obviously, I'll just look like a meddling prick trying to get her for myself. How do I go about meddling without looking like I'm doing it for my own gain? 

Hulk Hogan 

HULK!!  What an HONOR, Mr. Hogan!!!  What are you doing messing around with 16 year olds anyway?  Aren’t you like 1000 years old?

Look, no 16-year-old couple is going to Scotland anytime soon to get hitched.  That’s just dippy teenage kid talk… relax, it ain’t gonna happen.  How are they going to afford the airfare, anyway?  Hmm? They’re just being stupid kids, like they are supposed to be.  Besides, odds are they’ll break up before Wrestlemania, anyway. 

And mind your own business.  You’ve got your own problems.   

Now good luck getting your daughter Brooke’s singing career going! 

Break out the clothespins people, because this next one reeks of the ol’ bullshwa:  

Dear Hyatte 

This is a strange one.  I’m 31 years old and have been married for going on 10 years.  I have two beautiful children and a wife that I’m madly in love with. So what’s the problem you might ask?  Well, when I have time alone in the house, which isn’t very often, I like to wear her stockings.  Now I’m not Gay and have no desire to have sex with a man, I just Love the way they feel.  My question is should I tell my wife whom I would love to share this with?  It’s my fantasy to make love to her while doing this.  The only problem is she is very prudish in the bed.  I’m afraid she will think I’m gay no matter what I say.  Any suggestions?

Me Last 

Uh… 

Okay, now would be a good time to remind everyone that my bullshit radar is well tuned, well honed, and well oiled.  But, it’s still a question and I still must treat it as serious, because for all I know, it is. 

I would HOPE that your wife, with whom I assume has been equally as madly in love with you over these last ten years as you have been with her, would not think for more than a moment that you are gay once you announce that you like to flit around in her stockings.   

Perhaps she’ll even be relieved!  I mean, for years she’s been putting on her stockings only to find them mysteriously stretched all out of shape.  She must be CONVINCED that her ass is growing out of control. 

I don’t know your wife, but if she is a prude in the ol’ sack, then it’s probably best to keep yer fantasies right and proper to where they belong, in that head of yours. 

Here’s a good barometer to see if you’re a freak or not:  If you can live your life with just keeping your “I feel pretty” fetish deep, deep, DEEP in your closet, then you relatively normal.  If your fetish starts taking you over, where you’re now going to work with a hamster up your ass, then you really need to talk to someone. 

And, uh, congrats on not being gay. 

Oh hell, you might as well start to introduce kinkiness into the bedroom.  Start by offering to blindfold her, followed by some slight spanking (you’ll be surprised how many chicks dig getting spanked).  Most girls are prudes only because they don’t know how else to be.  Show her a few Vivid porn tapes… because Vivid specializes in classy kink.  Note which stuff she responds to and which completely dries her up.  Build from there.  The next thing you know, you’ll be playing “Little Bo Peep and the Milkman”… and SHE won’t be the one looking for the damn sheep! 

Hello Mr. Hyatte, 

Frequent writer Vince here again. And sorry, it's nother relationship question. I apologise if this rambles or anything, but it is 4:30 in the morning, and I'm tired. 

Background information, in case you've forgotten: university student, 22, final year, broke up with girlfriend awhile back, currently dating a new girl. 

When you first start dating a girl, how long is normal before she says "I love you"? In all the relationships I've been in (which granted is only three, but still .. .) the girl has always said it within a month of our first date.

I think the fact that most of my relationships have been with people I see more often during the week than some couples I know, but because this has always happened (going back to high school), I'm just wondering if this is normal behaviour for a girl. 

The reason I'm asking is that my current just said it to me, and it got me thinking: is this how it's supposed to be? Why is she saying it so soon? Sure, it's a big ego-boost, but how do I reaspond to it when I'm still trying to figure out whether I should be consider getting serious with this person? I don't want to say it back unless I mean it, but I don't want to just say "thanks, you're sweet". 

Honestly, this is more of a curiosity thing than a life-or-death situation. I'd like to know if most girls fall in love so quickly, or whether I've just been hitting the odds real well. 

Thanks, 

Vince 

You are either a top flight stud of the highest order who has the amazing ability, via a combination of looks and charm, to completely take a girl’s heart away within weeks, OR you tend to go for needy girls whose daddy didn’t treat them right.  So, it’s either you’re King Shit or you just go after the truly desperate. 

I doubt you’re King Shit, unless you are and are completely oblivious to the fact.  So I guess you just naturally go for the girls who feel alone, scared, and frantic for affection.  Give the girls a little esteem and watch them spread! 

Most girls do NOT fall in love very quickly, but they do tend to fall for the guy before the guy falls for them.  Especially if the guy lays them right, you stud you. 

You’ll want to respond without hurting their feelings… so when she says, “I love you,” look at her thoughtfully and then say, “No you don’t, but give me time.”  OR you can say, “I can totally see myself falling for you.”  Both are vague enough and give you an opening about a mile wide to bail when you’re all done with them.  

Love the column, and sorry but I don't have any questions, my life is pretty boring and I don't have anything to ask except this, are you a Bill Hicks fan, I think I asked that before but when I wrote the last letter to you it was probably a rambling drunk letter to say you're cool. 

Thanks for the time, 

Vince  

He’s dead, isn’t he? 

I missed the whole Bill Hicks thing, sorry.  I can’t remember one stand-up appearance he did.  I do have a memory of seeing his face on stage with a microphone, but no actual material of his comes to mind. 

Please, don’t take this as an invite to send me Hicks mp3s or CDs or videos.  Thanks. 

Now this next one asks me to do the impossible!  This guy wants me to tell me what the girl is thinking!  IMPOSSIBLE!!  Of course, I answer him, because, as your mother will admit, performing the impossible is what I specialize in! 

Ok, this doesn't have to do with confidence.  Recently after a long term relationship, and at a point where I would of wrote you about confidence, I hooked up with a girl I go to school with.  Now this bounced me back in a big way because I felt like I was on top of the world.  I had no interest in this girl for anything else, as I believe she felt the same.  So for me it just made me realize doors were open. 

Fast forward a couple of months.  My parents have moved out of our old hometown where all of our friends and family live.  I go to visit with my folks for the holidays and my cousin takes me out with her friends.  Long story short, I meet one of her friends and we get along pretty good.  The next night with just a few of us me and the girl I just met spend the whole night just talking to each other. 

Now me and this girl are very different.  She is not all that shy and from what my cousin tells me may have been around a bit.  Myself on the other hand, I'm fairly shy and can only talk to people I know fairly well.  And until mentioned above, the only other girls I was with were from two long relationships. 

So we spent that whole night talking but then I had to go.  I almost blew off coming home to my friends and family because I wanted to get to know her better.  I'm fairly positive we could have had sex that night if I wanted to, because she gave me plenty of opportunity to go that route. 

My question then is, do you think that I'm just another guy for this girl, or because of how we got along so good, is there a chance for a meaningful relationship?  It may be soon to tell what either of us really want, but to try this out it would take work.  I'm quite aware that no matter what point I'm at, it will probably not be the last girl (I'm only 21 btw), I'm just interested if she is worth pursuing. So to clarify, I don't live with my parents.  But, if I chose could very easily go visit that way, plus when I graduate will probably be living in that area. 

Thanks for any advice, 

Scott 

Scott?  You don’t think… naaaah, it couldn’t be. 

How should I know what’s in this girl’s head about you?  Jesus. 

You had one nice, long, chat with her, that’s not even a date!  You’re wondering if you should steal second before the pitcher has even gotten the sign. 

I’m assuming she knew you were just around for the evening, so I’m going to say that she spent the evening sizing you up and deciding whether you are doable.  If she is the “passed more than gas at a Nursing Home” type of gal your cousin says she is (and never… EVER… take any girl’s assessment of any other girl as the cold truth, because girls usually always think the very worst of other girls).  Then she took the necessary info and filed it away.  You probably scored points for not making a pass at her on that first night. 

So, next time you see her, she’ll let you know, either discreetly or blatantly, if she’s into you.  THEN you either swing or take the ball… THEN you connect… THEN you go for first… THEN you try for second… that’s how these things work.  Or so I’m told. 

I'm looking for advice wherever I can get it, and you seem to dish it out pretty well.  So here we go. 

 I'm 24 years old, and I've never had a relationship last longer than a month.  I get lots of ex-sex, and have no problem hooking up with girls, so long as I hate them.  The very few girls I meet and consider to be decent people are never attracted to me -- at least I can never tell where I stand.  Most of the time, I can tell if a girl wants to fuck me or not in the first five minutes of meeting her.  But often, and especially in the past couple of months with a girl name o' Erica (whom I work with at Ruby Tuesdays), I'm consistantly confused. 

 Now, I've earned a bit of a reputation as a player, and I do party (drink) a lot.  But I've succesfully abstained from sex with girls I hate for 8 months...brother, I don't know if I can hold out much longer! 

I need to know how I can tell if the nice girl really wants me or just likes flirting with the "bad boy".  We've had a few good conversations, hung out in groups socially twice, and flirt a lot.  Hell, we wrassle around from time to time, and she bites me!  I mean, how's a girl going to playfully bite a guy and not wanna fuck him? 

 She's also fond of farting in front of me and constantly talking about sex.  These should be clear signs...but they still aren't.  Because whenever I invite her out, she's always busy. 

 Her friends tell me she's not into me "like that" (the children I hafta deal with...) but I can't help but fell otherwise.  She's my age, a smart college graduate, a farter, with a great sense of humor and a dirty mind, she's gorgeous (in my book, I like 'em skinnier than most), and I am completely dumbfounded by her.  I've got three girls, an ex and two other co-workers who are chasing after my nuts.  But I want to give it a solid go with the worthwhile one.  How do I figure her out before I a) drunkenly fuck someone else and turn her off or b) find out she really doesn't dig me and lose my window to fuck this broad Genna (who's hot in a more tradional, Top 40 way but annoys the piss out of me). 

 Argh.  I pray you grace me with your wisdom, hopefully before my New Years Eve party when I'm going to be drunk and assaulted by dirty hos. 

 Did I mention I loved the taking of Triple H?  Because I LOVED it. 

 Thanks, 

 Ian 

Yeah, whoops… too late for this advice, sorry. 

Forget the good girl, she’s a cock tease.  Go find another one.  Plenty of them out there. 

Ian, my man, take a good look in the mirror.  See that 24-year-old hot & sexy bad boy?  In ten years he’s gonna be replaced by a balding, fat 34 year old bad boy who’s too damn ancient to be acting like a bad boy.  Ten years ain’t that long, not in the slightest. 

Quit your woe is me-ing and go fuck anything that moves. 

Okay, you weren’t exactly bemoaning your poor life, but it is clear that you “hate” the easy girls because there is no challenge for you.  You can’t rate your own self-worth because they are TOO easy.  How can you find out how good you are if they’re just falling back and opening wide with a snap of the fingers?  You don’t have confidence issues but you might have a little esteem problem.  You don’t really like yourself, so anyone who does like you is an imbecile!   

Now that’s a REACH, goddamit! 

The good girl is just being bad within her own limits, which means she’ll dangle you for a while, but she isn’t willing to get with you because you’ve been with EVERYONE… to her, that’s just… ewww. 

Let this one go.  Think of as many new and creative ways to fuck as many new and creative girls you hate as possible… ride this amazing lucky streak you have out until Father Time taps you on the shoulder and benches your playa-ass.  Go to Hollywood and try to score models and actresses.  Tap wives, other guy’s girlfriends, nuns, mothers, teachers, strippers, WWE Divas, ANYTHING WITH A PULSE!  Then tell your sons all about your adventures when their old enough… or write a tell-all memoir, produce a “Hot To” video and make billions!  Some of us can use the help! 

Rat jap bastard. 

This next guy knows EXACTLY how to get on my good side right off the bat: 

I can't decide if I've reached the bottom of the barrell by requesting your advice or if I'd merely exploring every option without bias. Doesn't really matter either way, as here I am E-mailing Hyatte. 

Dec 10, 1999 through Jan 5, 2002. The Golden Years. I had two serious girlfriends during that time and was getting laid... regularly! 

January 2002 through Present. The Dark Ages. I've managed too hook up twice with an ugly girl way back in 2002 and this past year got laid once by a cute chick (who went psycho less than 24 hours later). That's the extent my love life. Not even a date. 

Hey, I know I'm not that bad looking, and I know I can be charming from time to time. And yet.  I would like nothing more than to say I am jinxed and eternally incapable of finding someone, hence taking the blame away from my own hands. In reality I also know I've only asked out two girls. I also have an amazing ability to screw up good bets. I can think of more than one example of being approached by a girl at a bar and running away scared--literally. 

Bottom line: I'm adult enough to realize that luck, good or bad, can only take you so far. A man that goes through a two year mostly-dryspell has to accept responsibility.  

After all, if you don't put yourself in a position to get rejected, you're also not putting yourself in a position to be successful. 

My question to you is this: what the hell do I do? How do I put myself out there to meet more women? And when I do, how do I stop myself from fucking myself over? 

-R 

How do you put yourself out there?  Online personals, maybe? 

It’s all odds, big guy.  It’s like selling a car.  You have to talk to seven people before you sell one car.  The more you ask, the more you’ll close the deal. 

How do you stop yourself from fucking yourself over?  You remember that the girl you are talking to is a human being, same as you (and probably not as smart as you).  Just a regular person made up of the same material that you are.  Be yourself for chrissakes… just be relaxed.  

<tangent>I would say “be yourself like ME!”, but I’m usually a miserable prick, people tell me I always look pissed off.  Every couple of months someone tells me to “smile”, which offends me to no end… but that’s just me and I stopped caring a loooong time ago.  Doesn’t matter, the thrust here is: Do as I say, not as I do.</tangent> 

But, you don’t see Paris Hilton dating a dishwasher.  Be sure to go after the girls who the super rich, elite, hot guys aren’t going after.  You gotta stay in your social class if you want to increase your chances. 

I try to get at least one no-brainer question in every column, here’s this week’s installment: 

Yo, Been readin ya since Scoops.  You entertain me.  Thanks.  Ok, Here we go...

Im a college student, 23, made some bad choices, wont graduate until late 2004.  I work at a gas station to pay bills and what not.  Pays great for what I do.(just under $9/hour)  Anyways,  new First assistant started about three weeks before I write this.  Shes 22 and absolutely gorgeous.  Not quite model hot, but hot enough to make every guy who comes in gawk.  We hit it off immediately and have been foolin around for the last couple days.  SHe also has a 6 year old kid. Our company has very strict dating policies and we could both lose our jobs.  She has a kid and obviously way more to lose than I do.  But she knows this and has been the aggressor.   I need to break this down into two questions. 

1.  Do I let the fact that she has a 6 year old child bother me before anything can start? 

2.  Do I take a chance dating my "boss"? She could ruin this perfect little college job i have... 

Thanks, 

Adam 

Oh God, easy, easy, EASY!!! 

1:  No, in fact, get used to it.  As you get older, you’ll see that young, unwed mothers are fucking EVERYWHERE… (And have a LOT of emotional baggage, so be ready for it)  That said, to pop a kid when you’re 16 IS a bit on the unusual side. 

2:  I strongly, STRONGLY doubt the owner of the gas station you work at has an intricate monitoring system that enables your boss to keep tabs on any affair you may have with whomever you want… so in short, so long as you be SOMEWHAT careful, you’ll be able to see her without getting in trouble.  Truth is most policies for small businesses like this are there just so employees don’t sneak into the bathroom and bump fuglies on the rancid toilet cover. 

2 (II):  It’s a piss poor job at a dumb gas station… go learn to tend bar and earn what you made in a week on one Friday night.   

Really, bro’… nothing to it. 

Okay, now we get a little serious.  

Before I jump into this (marital) problem of mine, I'll give you some info. on myself, it may give some sort of understanding into my mind's state. 

In high school I was basically what you called the weird goth guy.  Long haired (to my waist), dressed all in black, listening to death/black metal all the time.  I was always quiet at first, but once people started talking, I would conversate right back.  The typical girl problems would arise when I would want to pursue a relationship: I was in the friend zone, they weren't looking for anything right now, I wasn't their type.  This continued up till my junior year, the year that would result in me ruining the friendship between me and my best friend -I was jealeous of both him and his girlfriend, a girl that I also had feelings for- and a year long struggle with depression. 

While I would eventually be able to combat my gloomy moods, the way I went about it was life altering.  What I mean by that, is that I was able to install in myself an "emotional shut off" switch.  Whenever I would get either angry or mad, instead of letting it out, I instead would just shut down inside.  I was apathy incarnate.  This had its advantages, as I could now just go about business not caring for the consequences of either my or other's actions. 

So, now I'm in my senior year of high school, and over the summer I had a girlfriend for the first time in my seventeen years of living.  She ended up leaving me for one of her male friends, but thanks to my "switch", instead of being down for months, I was over her in about a week.  I return to school in the fall, and that's when I meet her.  She had just got out of an abusive relationship, and was on the prowl for a guy.  Why she had an interest in me, I don't know?  But she immediately made her intentions clear, and after a couple of weeks of flirting, she finally convinces me to go out with her (at the time, I was trying to stay away from females).   

That was the first date of what would become a three year relationship that would lead to four married years with us having three kids(ages 5, 3, and 7 months).  Now in those years, I learned a lot about her.  Things like her not knowing her biological father, growing up with a drug-addict for a mom, experiencing her teenage years living with a foster family, and leaving that family to end up with an abusive asshole for a year.  In that time, I thought I knew her and came to trust her.  Well about a month ago, a few days after Thanksgiving, she would tell me something that has completely changed my outlook.  

It seems that she had, for the past month, been dabbling in the use of cocaine.  Now, one of the things about me is that I'm what people would call "straight-edge", although I wouldn't catagorize myself as such.  If you haven't heard that term before, its meaning varies from person to person, the gist of it is that I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs.  Some people include premarital sex on the list and the definition of drug could include prescription and over the counter medicines.  There's a punk music subculture movement that's associated with the term, although I don't listen to punk.  In spite of my beliefs, my wife does drink(and can she drink, she's half Irish) and smokes socially.  Nevertheless, I've always maintained that my beliefs work for me and me alone, and that they can't be applied to everyone else.  Even so, I have always looked as substance abuse as one of the most pathetic behaviors a person can engage in.  The key word in the previous sentence is abuse; I have no problem with someone using a drug as long they accept the consequences of their actions.  So, if I'm accepting of her smoking and drinking, and she didn't end up abusing coke (only did it four times), why am I upset?   

Because she kept her secret from me for a month.   

Now, the first thing that happened when she told me was that all that trust that had been build up over the years, came crashing down in an instant.  A million questions raced through my brain: had she done it only those times, what other drugs has she tried, was she sleeping around, how can I believe anything else she says?  I became angry and left for work (she had told me about 5am).  After some time at work, it happened; my switch turned off.  It had been years since I had bothered with it, but there I was left cold and empty like I was in fucking high school again.  When I got back home, we talked and I told her that I still loved her and that I cared for her, but that the trust I had was fucked over and that I didn't know if I could go back to the way it was before.  I also told her about how I really wasn't feeling anything on the inside, and that if I acted uncaring it was due to my switch.  This scared her but there was anything that anyone could do about.          

I'm still confused as to why I girl who grew up with her mom and sister addicted to crack would ever try cocaine, but maybe addiction runs in her genes.  Also, I found out that her "friend" was the one that introduced her to the stuff.  I could write a small play about the fucked up life her "friend" has lived, but I won't.  Let's just say that I don't care too much for her "friend" and it would be better for me if she would just disappear.  And even though she hasn't gone out since she confessed, there are still all these questions and doubts that plague my mind. 

So this is the question(s) Mr. Hyatte:  Do you think that I will ever learn to trust her again?  I know that I'm still in love with her, and that even if I wasn't, I would still stick around, in a loveless marriage, just so my kids won't grow up without a father.  Would issuing an ultimatum of her choosing either her "friend" or me, be too much to ask for?  Will all these fears and distrusts ever go away?   

Thanks for answering this and sorry if I rambled too long. 

Miguel G. 

Well… geeze Miquel. 

Here is a newsflash: emotion is energy, energy can NOT be erased, it can NOT be turned off.  Why?  Because there IS no off switch, not even a plug to pull.  It’s perpetual and unrelenting.  So you didn’t just turn it off.  You simply re-channeled it. 

You’re pissed at her, so you “turn off” and channel your anger through apathy.  Apathy IS an emotion, and it takes a LOT of energy to use it.  So much so that eventually you blow up and destroy something. 

And of COURSE addiction is genetic.  How many sons take after their fathers?  Damn near all of them.  Hell, I will never have a child OR get married because I wouldn’t even take the chance that I’ll turn into my old man.  I mean, when my bird gets annoying I punch him in the face, AND THAT’S JUST A BIRD!!  If her Mother was a junkie, then she’s one too… she just didn’t turn on that’s switch yet. 

Your apathy is the wrong way to express yourself.  I know, it’s sub-conscience on your part, so much so that when it came back it shocked the hell out of you (which is actually GOOD, it means that you hadn’t needed to call upon it all these years).  But I guess the alternative is to open your heart and let it hurt… which is no fun either.  But if she can’t seek love and passion from you, she’ll eventually go somewhere for it.  Cocaine isn’t love, but for a few seconds it’s one HELL of a nice substitute. 

What strikes me as odd is that if she was lying, she would’ve said: “Oh, it was just that one time”, or maybe: “Two times, but that’s it!”  She said four times.  No one would say four times if it were more.  Why would they?  Doesn’t make any sense.  I think she’s telling the truth, yo. 

And did she infer that she‘d be doing it again?  Did she regret doing it four times?  Or was it completely matter of fact? 

Well, you’re married to her now, sporto… and there are THREE kids in the picture… this means you are, unfortunately, sort of committed to making it work.  Compromise and forgiveness is the soul of any marriage.  And no one said marriage is an easy job.  It’s work, hard work. 

Christ, what sort of advice can I give here that won’t be bullshit.  You have to sit her down and say, “Look baby, I’m not going down this road with you.  I’m going to turn this car around.  I won’t want to kick you out and leave you here while me and the kids go get some ice cream, but I will.  What do you want to do?”  And she’ll say:  “Well, I can’t be with someone who can’t show his love for me anymore!”  Then you can start negotiating. 

Best I can do. 

Hyatte-  from what i've read so far, you're a very well-informed person and i think you can be trusted as far as giving out good, no bullshit solid advice. 

my first question is: what's your stance on handguns and/ or gun control? 

second: are you a news junkie, or do you have certain sources for your info other than the newspaper? i ask this because you're pretty liberal, and i lean that way myself. i get messed with this all the time and i'd like to be able to defend myself and back it up with facts. 

1) I think anyone should be allowed to own a handgun so long as they pass one of those psychological exams that some places of employment give before hiring people.  Other than that, I have no problems with anyone owning a gun.  You never know when the Martians are gonna attack in full force.

2) No, not really, but I enjoy Bill O’Reilly’s radio show from time to time.  I like the news when the news is fresh, like with the Michael Jackson thing… or like with 9-11.  It’s when the story is in that stage where it’s a few days (or weeks, as with 9-11) old and there are no new developments, but all these news shows have to keep rattling off about it ad naseum.  That’s when the shit gets boring. 

For instance, the Presidential race will be heating up soon.  Now we all know that the only times we really “must see” campaign coverage are:  the race to see which Democrat will oppose Bush; the two conventions; during personal interviews with either candidate; and during the debates.  But news channels have to fill up all those thousands and thousands of hours between those events, and they usually do it with chattel and irrelevant nonsense.   

So, I guess I’m a fair weather news junkie.  I watch the news when it’s important.

Hyatte,  

A little family drama for you, and a genuine request for advice. Some back-story:  

My mom and dad have been divorced for about 6 years. They were married for about 20 years, but through much of it, my mother wasn't happy. She stayed with my dad because they had kids, but also, she had been married before and didn't want to be a "two time loser," in her words. Finally, she left my dad because she said she "couldn't take it any more." Soon after they divorced, mom married another man. They had known each other previously, but mom swears that there was no affair. Later, I found out that she told a family member that he had "seduced" her.  

He's got a questionable history, been married four times, has at least one kid that's been in prison, and he's declared bankruptcy. Very different from my dad, needless to say. Mom's new husband was pretty disliked by the rest of my family from the beginning. It's been a few years later and not much has changed. Most of the family feels like he is a con artist that will take my mom for all she's worth. They go on trips quite a bit. Some say her lifestyle has changed, as far as spending habits, but I honestly haven't seen much evidence of that.  

The most recent development was her change in religion. Her new husband was born in the Mormon church, but has never been that active. Recently, mom started talking to some missionaries that came by her house. This happened over an unknown span of time, but now she's attending services and has told us that she is joining the church. Some of us feel like she's done this to further "prove herself" to her new husband.  

It's strange because when they first got married, she told me that she was planning to leave him. Apparently she tried to break it off on a few occaisions, even rented an apartment at one point, but never left. I'm sure that she doesn't want to have a third divorce, and that's probably a big reason. 

I don't know what to do. People say that we shouldn't make a big deal and argue with her about it, but I have concerns about him. She seems happy, says she's happy and I have absolutely no proof that he's being physically abusive. He apparently puts her down in other ways, namely her age (she's about 5 years older than him), but he never says that stuff around me.  

My problem is that she's changing her religion, changing her lifestyle, changing everything. If she's happy, then I want to let her be happy, but should I let her know my concerns? She's apparently been extremely defensive and fought with my sisters when they've brought it up. And I don't want to sacrifice our relationship or alienate my mom by getting into a fight with her about either her new faith or her scummy husband. So should I just keep my mouth shut? I'd also be lying if I said that I wasn't a little nervous about confronting him - he's a big dude and I'm not good with confrontation or fighting. But I would gladly take an ass-kicking to get my mom out of a bad situation.  

I don't know why I'm writing you, but you always seem to give good advice and I really don't know who else to talk to about this.  

Thanks 

(please withold my name and email if you run this, thanks.) 

Why does everyone ask me to withhold their e-mail address?  When have you seen me put ANY e-mail addy other than mine in this column? 

You’re Mom’s a lonely old bitty.  She’s scared to death of dying alone so after she and your old man called it quits, she hooked up with an exciting YOUNGER man (hey, when she was 21, he was 16!) who has quite a colorful past himself, filled with enough emotional baggage for her to feel connected to.   

Problem is:  he’s a piece of shit.  Hire some PI to tail him for a day or two (or do it yourself), I GUARANTEE he’s sleeping around on her, or will be soon.  Well, I don’t GUARANTEE it, but from the description (bare bones as it is) that you gave of him. 

Don’t blame your Mom tho’.  Her kids are grown up and she’s looking at an empty house and regretting past mistakes.  Who says a gal can’t have a good ol’ fashioned mid-life crisis? 

Of course, she’s also totally free to do what she wants.  She wants to go be a Mormon; you can’t do much to stop her.  She digs the Third Hubby; you won’t be able to convince her otherwise.  What you CAN do is can to know him as much as possible, invest time in him, and figure out what his deal is.  I get from this letter that you don’t know him very much.  Know thy enemies!  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!   

And if you decide that he is a creep, and he gets physical with you, remember:  he’s OLDER than you.  He’s an old fart.  You can take him.  And if not, well that’s what the police are for!  If kicks your ass a bit, have him arrested.  Ain’t much your mom can do to convince YOU to drop the charges! 

Oh, and go rent the movie “First Born” to see what a TRUE asshole “step-dad” is like.  It stars Teri Garr, The original “Robocop”, and a very young Robert Downy Jr, Corey Haim, AND Sarah Jessica Parker. 

One thing I love is talking to the kids… cuz Wu Tang Hyatte is ALL about the children 

Hello good sir, 

I'm 16 years old and have spent the last three months with ana amazing young lady who is pretty much everything I could ask for in a mate. The only problem is, I have been acting like a bit of an ass recently. I am rather jealous, which stems from insecurity (I've never been the most attractive guy around, although I've recently started shopping for better clothes and developed a modicum of style), and recently, whilst we've been hanging around with my male friends,I've gotten a bit sulky and mood-swingy (I do have a little bit of a propensity for mood swings in the winter months anyways, so this certainly isn't helping my case).I also have a tendency to be really fatalistic about the relationship. I'll start thinking about her and how happy I am, all that puppy-love stuff that makes me warm inside, blahblahblah, and I'll start thinking about scenarios of how she'll dump me, make me sad, etc. Is there any way besides some daily affirmation bullshit of how we're in love, we're so happy together, and all that jazz to make me stop being such a dick (my best friend of 5 years used to have a girlfriend who acted kinda this way, but to a ridiculous extreme, so I really don't want to turn into that type of person)? 

Thanks,

Jeremy. 

First of all, Jeremy, what 16-year-old uses such words as “propensity” and “fatalistic”?   

Second of all, lighten up.  You’re 16 years old, you’re SUPPOSED to be jealous and make an ass of yourself!   Have you ever egged a house?  Why the fuck not? 

Third of all:  You’re goddamn SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!!   You’re SUPPOSED to be insecure.  Trust me on this, she feels ten times more insecure.  She’s a teenager.  Girls like Britney Spears and Hilary Duff, who practically glow with confidence, are anomalies… freaks of nature.  You’re SUPPOSED to be clumsy and awkward and goofy and you’re SUPPOSED to think a good, loud fart in study period is the funniest thing ever (that’ll NEVER get old, either… neither does jerking off, just so you know) 

Fourth of all, she WILL dump you because you’re teenagers, or you’ll dump her.  What moron is thinking permanence at 16?  Christ almighty… most bastards don’t even get a girlfriend until they hit 17… not a REAL one at least.  What’s your hurry? 

You think she’s your best option?  Good Lord, wait ‘til you hit college.  You ain’t seen NOTHING yet! 

And don’t Drink and Drive!! 

Let’s wrap this up with something COMPLETELY the same:  

Hello Hyatte,

Being the non-trusting type of person I am, it takes a long while and a lot of searching for me to consider someone my friend. I thought I found a friend in a co-worker I met 5 years ago when I started to work at the post office. We would go out to basketball games, strip bars, movies etc. I never laid any deep personal trips on him, we just went out and had a fun time together. Last year he got a job somewhere else and we have stayed in contact. The last couple of months he has called less and when I call him he tells his mother to tell me that he'll call me back later or he'll just get on the phone for two minutes and say that he's tired and hang up. This guy is my only friend and the best friend I have ever known. I don't want to loose him but I don't want to seem like a woman. What do I do? 

Friendless in Freattle 

You go out and find a new best friend.  Hell, go out and find two. 

He’s done with you, amigo.  Sorry, but if he were any more obvious, he’d be holding a giant neon sign over his head saying:  Leave Me Alone. 

It happens.  Look at me, I’m Al Awesome!  Everyone wants to be my drinking buddy, but if I had a nickel for every friend I used to have who I have left, (or had left me) by the wayside, I’d be so rich Flea wouldn’t have to pay me. 

I know it seems weird.  You’re supposed to break up with GIRLS, not GUYS. 

And start learning to trust people some.  Goddammit, not EVERYBODY is looking to fuck you over!  Jesus H.  Some people are genuinely cool because they just are, for no reason other than they are.   

Have you all had enough?  No?  You want more?  WELL TOO BAD!!! 

This is Hyatte

*****

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