HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

 - Chris Hyatte

Hi. 

I have nothing to say here.  No introduction whatsoever.  I wish I did but I don’t.  Them’s the breaks.

I’m not sure why I feel obligated to start the column off with an introduction anyway.  I guess it has something to do with the notion of just jumping right into the questions being a bit contrived  Or at the very least, lazy.  I feel that a good, brief introduction is essential to luring people in.  It’s like Carson’s monologue, only without the topical one-liners.  I feel it relaxes the reader, gets them prepared for a slew of questions, makes them be able to relate to me in some way.  You get a few paragraphs into the column and then decide, “oh what the hell, I’ve started the column anyway, might as well read the whole thing now!” 

Or perhaps a good introduction is key to make the reader feel at home?  Maybe this is my way of saying “welcome, come on in, have a seat.  I’d ask you what’s new with you but I can’t… and quite frankly, I don’t care.  So allow me to tell you what is new with me, or barring that, allow me to tell you a story, or a thought, or an observation.”  I like that notion, actually.  It makes sense.

Which brings us to our problem for the week.  I have no story, no thought, and no observation.  Therefore, no introduction – no way to welcome you into this column.

I guess I’ll just have to make do with what I’ve got. 

Hyatte,  

I just turned 26 over the weekend and am recently married. Since I graduated from college I have been working as an actuary. If you are unfamiliar with what an actuary does, it is basically a lot of mundane, boring, data work and calculations. The only thing I like about this job right now is the ridiculous amount of money they pay me. Other than that, I really hate getting out of bed in the morning. I come to work and either flame 411 message board posters or just space out. This is not the career I imagined during my senior year in college.

Now my wife is very supportive of me and any decision I make, she will stand by me. The rest of the outside world thinks I have this great "career" and am so lucky because of a salary and a window office. No one other than my wife knows how much I despise work and hate being behind a desk all day. So I guess my ultimate question is this: Am I watching too many Robin Williams/Kevin Kline movies? Can one really enjoy what they do for a living and still make good money? Maybe I am too cynical, but I tend to think those "love what you do, do what you love" messages, are all bullshit. I have friends that also hate their jobs. They have no intention of quitting and justify their lives by their paycheck. As much as I love money, I don't want it to justify my life. I want to believe that I can be passionate about my work.  

On the other hand, I have no idea where to go from here. If I quit my job tomorrow, I have no idea what to do with myself. I have mathematics and computer science degrees with absolutely no desire to use them. I am not looking for career suggestions, I just think if I had another goal in mind, it would be easier to leave my current status. Any life experiences/advice that you could share would probably help. Thanks for the time.

Ben

Hey stupid.  Stay right where you are, make more money than you possibly thought you would, invest some of that money, buy a house, a rent-a-condo somewhere exotic, buy a Mercedes, install a pool, do whatever you have to do to make the hours you’re not at work as fun as possible.  Stay with the job… I’ll repeat, STAY WITH THE JOB and thank Christ the Holy that you aren’t making ends meet scraping by paycheck to paycheck.  You’re 26.  Do that miserable job for ten years and retire while you can still pass for late-20’s.  If you saved/invested your money well, you’ll be secure enough to go do whatever your bored mind wants to do.

Okay, so I need advice. This is a long story, but I'll make it as short as possible.
I am twenty-six now. When I was sixteen I met one of the most beautiful girls in the world and we hit it off. Being a gawky shy kid, I naturally fucked it up and ended up in the "friend zone". However, this turned out for the best, as we have been best friends for the past ten years. She has been incredibly loyal, and has seen me through some hard times. Her advice and encouragement helped me out in the romance department as well, and i can thank her in part for the relationships that i have had over the years. To be blunt, I cannot imagine my life without her.

Over the years, the dynamic of our friendship changed. I grew into myself, and have been in a steady relationship for 4 years, while she has been on somewhat of a losing streak in the romance dep.

Well, this summer, I went to visit her, and after a few too many drinks (on my part, she was sober), we slept together for the first time. Needless to say, old feelings were stirred up, and i am deeply confused. It would never work with her in that way, as we both have different ideas of what love is, (never mind the fact that i am still in love with my girlfriend).  The way I see it, she has been lonely for awhile and just needed to be with someone who loves her unconditionally.

Well, she sees it differently, and is pushing me to tell my girlfriend about it. In my head i know i should just forget about it, but I would be lying if I said that this girl was not in many ways the love of my life, and making love to her has thrown my whole world-view out of whack. I want to just move on and still be her friend, but at this point i don't know how to do it. She seems to want more now, and I can't help but think that she is just lonely and wookin pa nuv in all the wrong places. I cannot stress to you how good she has been to me over the past ten years. anyone would be lucky to have a friend like her. So, my question is, how do I stay loyal to my friend without losing my girlfriend in the process? Your pal,
Kevin

How about setting her up with someone?

This all rests on who do you like better.  The current or the possible.  Eventually, you’ll just have to choose. 

Nah, the good news is that time really does heal all wounds.  If you actively keep her in your life with the status quo being what it is, eventually she’ll get over it… either that or she’ll leave you, which is the best thing for her and you shouldn’t try to stop her.  If it hurts too much for her to be with you without being WITH you, then let her go.

But really, a girl who likes you really, REALLY doesn’t want to hear you go on and on about some other chick you love, so if you get to keep her as a friend while maintaining a sex life with the girlfriend, don’t bend her ear about what you did in the sack the other night.  Poor thing will go crazy.

You know, there’s also a shot that she grows to hate you and, just to spite your horny ass, she tells your girlfriend herself.  Never underestimate the vicious depths a girl can go.  It is scary how bad they can fuck you up.

Now take all this into account and do what your heart tells you to do.

This next letter is of a more personal note, asking about a topic that is near and dear to me:

Hey Hyatte,

Just wondering if you were still dipping. In your great wrestling smoke-out piece, you mentioned that you were dipping Cope for more than 10 years. Now I know that's old and you cut and pasted it, but i seem to remember something about you saying you were quitting, but the ol memory isnt what it used to be. I was just curious if you actually quit, and if so, how you dealt with it. I also quit about a year and a half ago, and it was hard as hell to do it. I know several other people who have quit dipping and cigarettes and swear up and down that dip was 5x harder. Any thoughts?

No name given.

Yeah, I dip Copenhagen.  I’m dipping right now, in fact.

My thinking is:  Bring on cancer.  Let it blast my face apart.  I’ll let it with a smile.  Because I don’t want to live much past 40 anyway, I’ve had a good run.  Let it come and let it kill me.

Seriously, you can dip anywhere: restaurants, movie theaters, church.  No one notices and no one cares because there is no such thing as second-hand dip.

If the day comes when Trish Stratus says, “Hyatte, it’s either me or the dip.” Then the Cope is GONE.  It’ll be tough for the first few days, but I’ll be too busy either banging Trish fucking Stratus or staring at the mirror saying, “I can’t believe I’m banging Trish fucking Stratus” to notice.

I suppose I’ll quit eventually.  Just not now.

Is quitting dip harder than quitting cigarettes?  Hmm…. I’d say no because dip hooks up directly and only with your blood.  Your blood cleans out and sanitizes itself every few weeks, so after an while, the nicotine is completely out of your system.  With smokes, the tar sits in your lungs for years and years and years.

There is also a psychological addiction to nicotine in all forms.  When your body craves nicotine, your brain is sent a signal through a connection that was formed years ago when you first starting smoking/dipping.  As the craving gets worse, the signal gets stronger and stronger.  See, denying yourself nicotine slowly begins to kill the connection, and what happens when something is on the verge of death?  It fights for survival.  The connection will fight and fight to live by sending signal after signal until all you can think about is lighting up or plugging in a big wad.  That’s why most people quit quitting, they can’t take it.

Eventually, the connection will die and you’ll feel much better.  If you can make it that far, you’ll never smoke or dip again. 

King Hyatte,

This is kind of a follow up question to one of your past columns in which you discussed the differences between beautiful chicks with no personality and mild to decent looking chicks with buckets of personality. My question is this, where do you go to find these chicks with buckets, and once you've found them what the hell do you say to them? I was in a relationship from my senior of high school until about 6 months which was creeping up on five years. Now I'm out and I have no idea what I'm doing. Every girl I've ever messed around with I've known before hand, and now I'm finding myself in a position where I don't know any chicks that I'm not either A) Friends with B) Wouldn't touch for various reasons or C) Has a dude. So what do you think?

Mark 

How do you meet girls?

Online works.  It really does.

Add in the personals?

Keep hitting them clubs, boyo. 

Basically what I’m saying is, you ain’t gonna catch a single fish with your fishing rod sitting in the closet.  You have to get out there, haul the boat into the water, hook up the worm, and cast, cast, cast.  It takes hours and hours for the fisherman to get a nibble, and he has to keep going to where the fish are biting. 

The cool thing about this analogy is, both fishing and trolling for pussy (let’s call a spade a spade here) is a lot of fun, so long as you don’t fret too much on the ones that got away.

Hello Hyatte-

I have really enjoyed the addition of the book of the every couple of weeks club to the MNN. Favorite so far is the golf one. I can tell just from the sample the book is hilarious. Problem is getting to them all. I read a fair amount. Not all the time, but about 1-2 hours a day usually. Problem is I read really slow. Not comprehension wise, it just takes me forever. About half an hour to read 10 pages. It takes me almost an hour to read your news column. At that rate I tend to only finish about 3 books a year. There is just way to much out there for that. And forget re-reads.

You obviously either read a lot, or at a nice quick pace, or both.  Question is, you got any tips on how to speed it up that doesn't include me spending $200 on a spead reading program? If I could just double the pace I would be satisfied.

Matt

You can read goddam “Roots” in an hour if you wanted, you just wouldn’t retain a friggin’ single word of it.

My question is, who cares?  Who cares how long it takes you to read something?  So long as you get the innate pleasure of absorbing a well-told story that took you to another place and kept you there – that’s all that matters.

How do you get better at anything?  Practice, practice, practice.  Just keep reading and eventually the words will flow faster, especially if the author knows what he’s doing.

I would start by reading Robert Parker.  His Spenser series offer short paragraphs with no-bullshit dialogue and cleaner than a newborn’s ass prose.

I bet you’re the type of reader who pauses every so often to check far into the book you’ve gone and how much farther you have left to go.  Stop that and just read.  This isn’t a test.  You’ve got all the time in the world.   

I'm a 19 year old male, and basically am alone all the time. I am at my happiest spending the day doing my own thing, not having a single person to answer to. A few months ago I took up bodybuilding, and have gotten into a very strict diet/sleep/ and exercise routine that placed me in a spot where I didn't have time to hang out with anybody. This in-turn lead to me dumping the few friends I had left, and cutting off all ties with my family. (Other than my father who I currently live with and have to see a couple days a week when he's in town.) After doing that I realized that I could do whatever I wanted and had no friends, girls, or other people's problems to deal with. Out of either anger or possibly pity, all of my ex-friends and family have told me at some point that I am missing out on so much in life, and that I need people in my life. I personally believe that there is really nothing wrong with my life, and I could be happy being alone for the rest of my days, but when the very few people you are in contact with are constantly telling you that something is wrong, you start to have doubts. So I guess my question is, is there anything wrong with wanting to be alone? Is it possible in this day and age to live life happily, with little human contact? Or am I really missing out on some great things in life that I'll later regret?

 

Mike

You are 19, I assume your friends with the advice are all 19 too.

No one who is 19 has any right giving worldly advice.  Fuck them; they know nothing.

Do what you want.  Do what makes you feel happy.  You like being alone?  Great, me too. 

Yet… someone who isolates himself from the world and spends his time building a massive body building regime that uses up all 24 hours in his day may have something bugging him.  Not that there is anything wrong with being a builder, but at the expense of all social activity?

There are two types of body builders: One who builds to get the body that makes any and all girls (or guys, it’s a new century) come in their pants and one who builds for no reason other than it’s something to do.  Which one are you?

If you build to get laid, by all means, jack that body up, homeboy.  You’ll still need a fairly active social life in order to get the girls, but you’ll be so proud of yourself that you’ll have no problems getting out there and showing off the bod.

If you build because it’s something to do, and getting laid isn’t the primary goal, then you are building a giant defense shield around you.  It’s why most fat people keep eating – the fat is a wall that keeps people away.  An overstuffed body of muscle does the exact same thing.  The only difference is that fat people use fat to repel people, muscle-heads use juiced up muscles (and if you are a serious builder, then steroids are or will be going in your veins before long) to scare people.  Different roads, same destination.

So, why do you want to keep people away?  What are you scared of?  I suggest you think long and hard on those issues before you decide that spending the next twenty years with no one except Joe Weider and a weight bench is the best way to run your life.

HYATTE HELP!

allow me to start from the begginning. there was this girl. we met at work (and i know work relationships are destined for disaster) and i asked her out and we became close. close as you can get for a relationship that lasted all of 6 months, at least from my point of view. i battled with telling her that i loved her, wondering if i was just thinking that i loved her because i was looking desparately for that special someone. because to me, the point of life is to find someone to love, spend the rest of your life together, grow old, and create life with children. so at about the 6 month mark, we were lying in bed, and i wanted to tell her that i loved her. we made witty banter, and i told her i wanted to tell her something, and she and i knew it was those 3 magical words. i gave her a chance to tell me not say it.....but she didnt, and i said it, and she said it back. that was a saturday. the whole week we didnt talk atall. no contact whatsover. the next saturday( our custom hang-out night) i had a wedding that interrupted our ritual. i told her that i would leave the wedding early to be with her, but she said she was going to hang out with friends. i knew that something was up, we hadnt talked the entire week...which was unusual for us. so fastforward to the next monday. i knew something was up, and i called her. the phone call, to say the least, was uncomfortable. she was jaded, and i cut it off quick. she called back later and it was the same jaded stuff. to make that story short, she said that she wasnt ready for a serious relationship. i was heartbroken. i asked her if there was something else. she said there was nothing. so, like i said, i work with her...and i hear that same week that she is going out with this fat ass guy from work. like i said, work relationships are f'n disasters. that was in june, and i decided that not talking to her would be the best route (for my emotional state). here we are in august, and she IMs me. i finally get everything off my chest in an emotional AOL IM(haha is that possible). it starts off tepid, but i finally tell her that i really loved her. she tells me that "i was too good for her." i thought this to be BS, and i told her so. she told me that she thought that she wasn't good enough for me, or anyone atall. i called her out on that comment, and how this new guy could possibly be good enough for her. it went on, and i got emotional. i told her that some way i wished that she could make it all make sense to me. she said she hoped she could.
i wan't to know what you think and what you suggest. you're respected opinion would mean alot. BUT...please don't give the "there are other fish in the sea" bit. I'll admit...i'm a knarley looking dude....im fugly as a matter of fact. i can't believe i found a girl like that. Like i said...i think the meaning of life to find someone. I think this girl is the last chance i had to really find someone. I can't help but think she was the best chance to find someone...she liked ME, she had sex with ME, she was with me for 6 months. The night she IM'd me brought back all the emotions i felt during the 6 months we were together.

i'm an ugly guy. this girl, im my opinion, was my best chance at realizing the meaning of life. missing out on this really hurt me personally. i really thought i found that special someone. but now, i can't see myself starting another relationship, i can't just see another girl, cause i can't start a relationship anew, because i still know that i need to find someone to grow old with. i can't see myself starting a new realationship again, because ultimately i'm looking for that special person. i can't go through with that again.

You're guidance would be appreciated.

Richard

*Sigh.

You’re not going to like this one bit.

You are suffering from a broken heart.  The first one is always the hardest only because you had nothing to compare it too.  I’ll even tell you that for the next few weeks, she will be on your mind for every waking moment.  You will talk to friends, family, idiot advice columnists and everyone who even glances in your direction for advice on how to get her back.  You’re going to be obsessed with her for the next few weeks.

Thing is, she dumped you, dude.  You’ve been dumped.  No two ways about it.  Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU.  That crap about you being too good for her… just bullshit.  What she’s really saying is, “Okay, you were fun for 6 months, but then you got carried away so now I have to go fuck someone else.”  That’s it, really.  If you’ve exhibited even a smidge of the self-loathing to her that you have to me in this e-mail, then there is no way she really thinks you’re too good for her.  More than likely, she feels completely opposite and is just trying to be nice.

Trust me, girls hook up with people they think are better than them, especially the girls who finally start looking for someone to settle down with.  How else are they going to move up in life?

Leave her alone, put distance between you and her.  It’s over, bro’.  Sorry, but it is.

Now for a little ray of sunshine to your doom and gloom.  There is a very decent possibility that, if you leave her alone and accept the fact that it is over, if you move on and be cool about it and stay away from her, she may, she just MIGHT call you one day and say, “I made a mistake, I love you and want to be with you.”  It’s a remote chance – at least 20-1, but it has happened in the past and it will happen in the future.  Can it happen with her and you?  Maybe.  There’s only one way to find out… leave her alone. 

And if she comes back to you, then you belong together.

But for right now, consider your ass dumped and  move on.  You can’t be THAT fugly, she did mount you for the last half-year.

Hey Chris,

To make it short and sweet this is the problem I find myself in. I have been with the greatest girl in the world for the past 3 years and everything has been great. But, here is my problem. I want to bang another girl. Not go on some sex escapade and bang everything in sight, but do it one more time. I partially blame this feeling to the fact that during my college years instead of hooking up with unsuspecting girls, I was getting drunk and high to the nth degree. I guess what I am saying is I never had a chance to sew my oats so to speak before I settled down. I love my girl and will marry her, but I have this "itch" as my married friends call it, and what can I do to scratch it? I am coming to you because my friends are either married or single, none in my situation, and I am confused about the whole thing. IS going out and getting meaningless ass the only was to scratch the "itch"? OR should I suck it up and be happy with the situation I am in and bury the "itch"? Thanks bro.

Rich

Ya know… most guys wouldn’t even think about it.  They would just go and do it.

You should know two things.  The first being that the itch never, ever goes away.  The best you can hope for is that the itch lays quiet for a few years while you are still all wild,crazy jack in love with her.  The itch will lay dormant for a while, but it will wake up again.  A one time scratching won’t kill it, in fact it’ll strengthen the itch once you see how easy it is to get away with it.

Here’s how I see it:  You ain’t married until you’re married.  Until such a thing happens bang everything in sight.  Hell, bang her Bride’s Maids the hour before you say “I Do” if you can get away with it.  If guilt won’t let you get away with that, then don’t do it.  If guilt is nothing to you but a word invented by someone’s wife, then go for it.  It’s your penis until “I Do”… go put it to work.

Look at it this way, you’ll probably end up fucking some new hooch sooner or later, might as well try to get it all done BEFORE your girl is legally able to obtain 50% of your earnings.

We wrap up with a doozy of a letter.  You don’t believe me?  Even the author admits it:

OK, here's a doozy:  

I have a co-worker--let's call him Bob--whom I consider to be a friend, even if he is a hopeless dork. Last November he met a dancer at a local club; we'll call her Sasha, which is what she calls herself anyway but is probably just a stage name. Being the hopeless-romantic-type fool that he is, he fell for her. This despite the fact that he was 36 & she was 21 (major age differences, IMO, usually lead to problems). Over the next several months he regularly visited her at the club, bought her gifts, gave her money for various things, etc. She repeatedly said she would spend the weekend at his place, but always copped out due to "something coming up." Not ONCE did they have sex; I think she kissed him once or twice, but that was it. The rest of us at work tried to convince him that she was no good for him, was only using him for the money to support her coke habit, & so on, but NOOO, he was sure that this was the real thing, blah blah blah. So eventually we gave up.

Fast-forward to this past June. Bob goes to the club to see her; she isn't there. He starts talking w/ some of the waitresses at the club, whom he has gotten to know well in recent months. Eventually they decide that he's too nice a guy to lie to anymore & tell him the truth: Sasha has a boyfriend & has been living w/ him in a nearby motel for about a year. He doesn't believe it at first, but the waitresses give him their # at the motel. He calls the motel, & the boyfriend answers. They start talking, & Bob asks if he (the boyfriend) had sex w/ her the previous night, & the boyfriend said yes. Eventually the phone conversation ended, although I'm not certain of what else what said.

Over the next few days Bob moped around at work a lot, looked sad, & tried to get the attention of others so that they would feel sorry for him for his "broken heart." (I should add that Bob is one of those people who simply HAS to have attention, all the time.) By the next week he seemed to be doing better, & we hoped that he had learned his lesson. Unfortunately, I heard recently that he has started going to the club to see Sasha again; apparently she's been saying that she "wants a second chance" & all that other B.S. And of course he's falling for it.

I should add something here about the amount of money involved: Ken has been to the club w/ Bob several times, & has seen the way that Bob likes to impress everyone by buying drinks for everyone in an attempt to show off. He wants everyone (especially Sasha) to think that he has a lot of money & can afford to be generous. The truth is, he's practically living paycheck-to-paycheck & can't keep this up. Ken saw some of Bob's credit card statements from the past few months, & has estimated that Bob spent at least $15,000 on Sasha & the club, possibly up to $20,000. Much of that money probably went to pay for the motel room & for the boyfriend's upkeep. There's now a chance that Bob won't be able to make his house payments & other bills. And remember...NO SEX. Not even once.

In the long run--God help me--I consider this idiot to be a friend & don't want to see him get hurt. Is there any, I mean, ANY, amount of dope-slapping that I & the rest of his friends can do to snap him out of this?

Whew.

 

Jon

Sure, you can fuck Sasha yourself.  Take pictures and show it to “Bob”.  That ought to do it.

Tell “Bob” to go a month without giving Sasha a dime, just to see how cheap “true love” really is.

Tell “Bob” that this is the kind of bullshit that people should have out of their system BEFORE they hit their thirties, not during.

If “Bob” can’t see what his eyes, and his damn common sense should be SCREAMING at him by now, he never will.  Wait, I take that back… he will, eventually.

“Bob” is a desperate, lonely old fart who is seeing 40 come at him harder than Kobe on a white girl.  This stripper chick is his way of staying young.  He’s stupid, retarded, and an idiot.  Just sit back, count your lucky stars that you have more of a clue about life than he does, and enjoy the show. 

But if you REALLY want to save his ass, get your friends together and offer Sasha a decent sum of money to tell “Bob” to go fuck himself once and for all.  Make cash payable only AFTER services have been rendered, then tell Bob exactly what you did (or even tell him what you are about to do, let him in on it).  It’ll show him what she is really after.  Besides, if you don’t tell him, she will.

He’s  a loser… not much you can do about that.

Oh, what the hell, here’s a bonus question.  Not quite a doozy, but it’s a question that a great many of you should probably read and take heed of what I advise. 

Hyatte

Let me start by saying I'm 28 years old Im grossly overweight and I work the midnight shift at a local gas station. As you probably know already I'm either a virgin or I've been with a hooker or 2. Sadly I have little respect for myself, But at the same time I want to have a girlfriend and such. 1 thing good about being who I am I have lots of friends mostly girls and guys that I drink with. I've never left the mid west and this 1 girl who I have a huge crush on wants to take me on a trip. I want to go and I will go my question is though.

Do you think she just feels sorry for me and wants to be my friend or do you think that maybe something could happen? I have come to the conclusion I will die lonely and would much rather have her as a friend then risk losing her in my life.

Sam  

Since you didn’t ask, I won’t advise you to lose weight.

You didn’t say if this “trip” was just you two or a bunch of you.

Take the trip with her.  Go for it.  You have nothing to lose.

Here’s how you protect yourself.  You have to take the trip assuming that nothing will happen.  It’s a rare bird who wants to get with a tubby graveyard deli clerk, especially one with your complete lack of esteem.  I have to think this girl is no different.  She probably wants to take a trip with you because she feels comfortable with you.  You are her bud, her pal, her friend.  Sorry dude, but girls like to fuck the ones who make them feel uncomfortable.  It all ties in with that “element of danger” vibe that most of them like.

So yeah, take the vacation with her.  Get some quality time going. 

You know, you can always ask her why she wants to take her on a trip.  You might be surprised at her answer.  It’s doubtful, but different strokes for different folks… she might very well be a big chubby chaser… wouldn’t that rock?

Oh, and come on dude… lose some weight.  It’s a lot easier than you may think.  Sort of fun, too.

I’m not going to reveal the deep, dark secret to losing weight… I’m just going to tell all you fatsos this:

By staying fat; by eating like a pig; by making sure you are as repulsive as you can possibly be, you are denying yourself something that words can not describe.  You are denying yourself the one bit of pure, unadulterated fun that God was nice enough to bestow on you… you are denying yourself fucking.  Not sex.  Not love making.  I’m talking about throwing someone down and fucking the shit out of them.  I’m talking about getting a phone call at one in the morning and hearing someone so drunk he or she can hardly speak order you to get your ass over there so you two can fuck your brains out.  It’s not love - it is pure, animal lust and it is simply the greatest thing in the world – in history.  You can be a part of it.  Yeah, YOU… all you have to do is lose weight.  That’s it.  These girls and guys are WAITING FOR YOU.

And if you can’t put down the Twinkies and drive right past the Taco Bell after reading that, then I can’t help you anymore.  I am fresh out of advice.

Which works out great because I am fresh out of column as well.

This is Hyatte

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