HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE
- Chris Hyatte
I have nothing to say here. No introduction whatsoever. I wish I did but I don’t. Them’s the breaks.
I’m not sure why I feel obligated to start the column off with an introduction anyway. I guess it has something to do with the notion of just jumping right into the questions being a bit contrived Or at the very least, lazy. I feel that a good, brief introduction is essential to luring people in. It’s like Carson’s monologue, only without the topical one-liners. I feel it relaxes the reader, gets them prepared for a slew of questions, makes them be able to relate to me in some way. You get a few paragraphs into the column and then decide, “oh what the hell, I’ve started the column anyway, might as well read the whole thing now!”
Or perhaps a good introduction is key to make the reader feel at home? Maybe this is my way of saying “welcome, come on in, have a seat. I’d ask you what’s new with you but I can’t… and quite frankly, I don’t care. So allow me to tell you what is new with me, or barring that, allow me to tell you a story, or a thought, or an observation.” I like that notion, actually. It makes sense.
Which brings us to our problem for the week. I have no story, no thought, and no observation. Therefore, no introduction – no way to welcome you into this column.
I guess I’ll just have to make do with what I’ve got.We start off the week’s questions with an interesting one from an interesting guy with an interesting life and an UNinteresting job, hence the question:
Hey stupid. Stay right where you are, make more money than you possibly thought you would, invest some of that money, buy a house, a rent-a-condo somewhere exotic, buy a Mercedes, install a pool, do whatever you have to do to make the hours you’re not at work as fun as possible. Stay with the job… I’ll repeat, STAY WITH THE JOB and thank Christ the Holy that you aren’t making ends meet scraping by paycheck to paycheck. You’re 26. Do that miserable job for ten years and retire while you can still pass for late-20’s. If you saved/invested your money well, you’ll be secure enough to go do whatever your bored mind wants to do.Quit whining and go to work. You have it so much better than most it’s not even funny.
setting her up with someone?
rests on who do you like better. The
current or the possible. Eventually,
you’ll just have to choose.
Nah, the good
news is that time really does heal all wounds.
If you actively keep her in your life with the status quo being
what it is, eventually she’ll get over it… either that or she’ll
leave you, which is the best thing for her and you shouldn’t try to
stop her. If it hurts too
much for her to be with you without being WITH you, then let her go.
But really, a
girl who likes you really, REALLY doesn’t want to hear you go on and
on about some other chick you love, so if you get to keep her as a
friend while maintaining a sex life with the girlfriend, don’t bend
her ear about what you did in the sack the other night.
Poor thing will go crazy.
there’s also a shot that she grows to hate you and, just to spite your
horny ass, she tells your girlfriend herself.
Never underestimate the vicious depths a girl can go.
It is scary how bad they can fuck you up.
Now take all
this into account and do what your heart tells you to do.
letter is of a more personal note, asking about a topic that is near and
dear to me:
Yeah, I dip
Copenhagen. I’m dipping
right now, in fact.
is: Bring on cancer.
Let it blast my face apart.
I’ll let it with a smile.
Because I don’t want to live much past 40 anyway, I’ve had a
good run. Let it come and
let it kill me.
you can dip anywhere: restaurants, movie theaters, church.
No one notices and no one cares because there is no such thing as
If the day
comes when Trish Stratus says, “Hyatte, it’s either me or the
dip.” Then the Cope is GONE. It’ll
be tough for the first few days, but I’ll be too busy either banging
Trish fucking Stratus or staring at the mirror saying, “I can’t
believe I’m banging Trish fucking Stratus” to notice.
I’ll quit eventually. Just
dip harder than quitting cigarettes?
Hmm…. I’d say no because dip hooks up directly and only with
your blood. Your blood
cleans out and sanitizes itself every few weeks, so after an while, the
nicotine is completely out of your system.
With smokes, the tar sits in your lungs for years and years and
There is also
a psychological addiction to nicotine in all forms.
When your body craves nicotine, your brain is sent a signal
through a connection that was formed years ago when you first starting
smoking/dipping. As the
craving gets worse, the signal gets stronger and stronger.
See, denying yourself nicotine slowly begins to kill the
connection, and what happens when something is on the verge of death?
It fights for survival. The
connection will fight and fight to live by sending signal after signal
until all you can think about is lighting up or plugging in a big wad.
That’s why most people quit quitting, they can’t take it.
the connection will die and you’ll feel much better.
If you can make it that far, you’ll never smoke or dip again.
How do you
It really does.
Add in the
them clubs, boyo.
what I’m saying is, you ain’t gonna catch a single fish with your
fishing rod sitting in the closet.
You have to get out there, haul the boat into the water, hook up
the worm, and cast, cast, cast. It
takes hours and hours for the fisherman to get a nibble, and he has to
keep going to where the fish are biting.
The cool thing about this analogy is, both fishing and trolling for pussy (let’s call a spade a spade here) is a lot of fun, so long as you don’t fret too much on the ones that got away.
You can read
goddam “Roots” in an hour if you wanted, you just wouldn’t retain
a friggin’ single word of it.
is, who cares? Who cares
how long it takes you to read something?
So long as you get the innate pleasure of absorbing a well-told
story that took you to another place and kept you there – that’s all
How do you
get better at anything? Practice, practice, practice.
Just keep reading and eventually the words will flow faster,
especially if the author knows what he’s doing.
I would start
by reading Robert Parker. His Spenser series offer short paragraphs with no-bullshit
dialogue and cleaner than a newborn’s ass prose.
you’re the type of reader who pauses every so often to check far into
the book you’ve gone and how much farther you have left to go.
Stop that and just read. This
isn’t a test. You’ve got all the time in the world.
You are 19, I
assume your friends with the advice are all 19 too.
No one who is
19 has any right giving worldly advice.
Fuck them; they know nothing.
Do what you
want. Do what makes you
feel happy. You like being
alone? Great, me too.
someone who isolates himself from the world and spends his time building
a massive body building regime that uses up all 24 hours in his day may
have something bugging him. Not
that there is anything wrong with being a builder, but at the expense of
all social activity?
There are two
types of body builders: One who builds to get the body that makes any
and all girls (or guys, it’s a new century) come in their pants and
one who builds for no reason other than it’s something to do.
Which one are you?
If you build
to get laid, by all means, jack that body up, homeboy.
You’ll still need a fairly active social life in order to get
the girls, but you’ll be so proud of yourself that you’ll have no
problems getting out there and showing off the bod.
If you build
because it’s something to do, and getting laid isn’t the primary
goal, then you are building a giant defense shield around you.
It’s why most fat people keep eating – the fat is a wall that
keeps people away. An
overstuffed body of muscle does the exact same thing.
The only difference is that fat people use fat to repel people,
muscle-heads use juiced up muscles (and if you are a serious builder,
then steroids are or will be going in your veins before long) to scare
people. Different roads,
So, why do
you want to keep people away? What are you scared of?
I suggest you think long and hard on those issues before you
decide that spending the next twenty years with no one except Joe Weider
and a weight bench is the best way to run your life.
going to like this one bit.
suffering from a broken heart. The first one is always the hardest only because you had
nothing to compare it too. I’ll
even tell you that for the next few weeks, she will be on your mind for
every waking moment. You
will talk to friends, family, idiot advice columnists and everyone who
even glances in your direction for advice on how to get her back.
You’re going to be obsessed with her for the next few weeks.
Thing is, she
dumped you, dude. You’ve
been dumped. No two ways
about it. Welcome to
Dumpsville, population: YOU. That
crap about you being too good for her… just bullshit.
What she’s really saying is, “Okay, you were fun for 6
months, but then you got carried away so now I have to go fuck someone
else.” That’s it,
really. If you’ve exhibited even a smidge of the self-loathing to
her that you have to me in this e-mail, then there is no way she really
thinks you’re too good for her. More
than likely, she feels completely opposite and is just trying to be
girls hook up with people they think are better than them, especially
the girls who finally start looking for someone to settle down with.
How else are they going to move up in life?
alone, put distance between you and her.
It’s over, bro’. Sorry, but it is.
Now for a
little ray of sunshine to your doom and gloom.
There is a very decent possibility that, if you leave her alone
and accept the fact that it is over, if you move on and be cool about it
and stay away from her, she may, she just MIGHT call you one day and
say, “I made a mistake, I love you and want to be with you.”
It’s a remote chance – at least 20-1, but it has happened in
the past and it will happen in the future.
Can it happen with her and you?
only one way to find out… leave her alone.
And if she
comes back to you, then you belong together.
But for right now, consider your ass dumped and move on. You can’t be THAT fugly, she did mount you for the last half-year.
Ya know… most guys wouldn’t even think about it. They would just go and do it.
should know two things. The
first being that the itch never, ever goes away.
The best you can hope for is that the itch lays quiet for a few
years while you are still all wild,crazy jack in love with her.
The itch will lay dormant for a while, but it will wake up again.
A one time scratching won’t kill it, in fact it’ll strengthen
the itch once you see how easy it is to get away with it.
how I see it: You ain’t
married until you’re married. Until
such a thing happens bang everything in sight.
Hell, bang her Bride’s Maids the hour before you say “I Do”
if you can get away with it. If
guilt won’t let you get away with that, then don’t do it.
If guilt is nothing to you but a word invented by someone’s
wife, then go for it. It’s
your penis until “I Do”… go put it to work.
at it this way, you’ll probably end up fucking some new hooch sooner
or later, might as well try to get it all done BEFORE your girl is
legally able to obtain 50% of your earnings.
you can fuck Sasha yourself. Take
pictures and show it to “Bob”.
That ought to do it.
“Bob” to go a month without giving Sasha a dime, just to see how
cheap “true love” really is.
Tell “Bob” that this is the kind of bullshit that people should have out of their system BEFORE they hit their thirties, not during.
“Bob” can’t see what his eyes, and his damn common sense should be
SCREAMING at him by now, he never will.
Wait, I take that back… he will, eventually.
is a desperate, lonely old fart who is seeing 40 come at him harder than
Kobe on a white girl. This
stripper chick is his way of staying young.
He’s stupid, retarded, and an idiot.
Just sit back, count your lucky stars that you have more of a
clue about life than he does, and enjoy the show.
if you REALLY want to save his ass, get your friends together and offer
Sasha a decent sum of money to tell “Bob” to go fuck himself once
and for all. Make cash
payable only AFTER services have been rendered, then tell Bob exactly
what you did (or even tell him what you are about to do, let him in on
it). It’ll show him what
she is really after. Besides, if you don’t tell him, she will.
a loser… not much you can do about that.
what the hell, here’s a bonus question.
Not quite a doozy, but it’s a question that a great many of you
should probably read and take heed of what I advise.
Since you didn’t ask, I won’t advise you to lose weight.
didn’t say if this “trip” was just you two or a bunch of you.
the trip with her. Go for
it. You have nothing to
how you protect yourself. You
have to take the trip assuming that nothing will happen. It’s a rare bird who wants to get with a tubby graveyard
deli clerk, especially one with your complete lack of esteem.
I have to think this girl is no different.
She probably wants to take a trip with you because she feels
comfortable with you. You are her bud, her pal, her friend. Sorry dude, but girls like to fuck the ones who make them
feel uncomfortable. It all
ties in with that “element of danger” vibe that most of them like.
yeah, take the vacation with her. Get
some quality time going.
know, you can always ask her why she wants to take her on a trip.
You might be surprised at her answer.
It’s doubtful, but different strokes for different folks… she
might very well be a big chubby chaser… wouldn’t that rock?
and come on dude… lose some weight.
It’s a lot easier than you may think.
Sort of fun, too.
not going to reveal the deep, dark secret to losing weight… I’m just
going to tell all you fatsos this:
staying fat; by eating like a pig; by making sure you are as repulsive
as you can possibly be, you are denying yourself something that words
can not describe. You are
denying yourself the one bit of pure, unadulterated fun that God was
nice enough to bestow on you… you are denying yourself fucking.
Not sex. Not love
making. I’m talking about
throwing someone down and fucking the shit out of them.
I’m talking about getting a phone call at one in the morning
and hearing someone so drunk he or she can hardly speak order you to get
your ass over there so you two can fuck your brains out.
It’s not love - it is pure, animal lust and it is simply the
greatest thing in the world – in history.
You can be a part of it. Yeah,
YOU… all you have to do is lose weight.
That’s it. These
girls and guys are WAITING FOR YOU.
if you can’t put down the Twinkies and drive right past the Taco Bell
after reading that, then I can’t help you anymore.
I am fresh out of advice.
works out great because I am fresh out of column as well.
This is Hyatte
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