The Midnight News 09.06.04

hyatte | September 6, 2004 | Archive | 0 Comments

Fuck you need help, and I hope you never get it because then your columns would suck you know.

James Waikle

Yeah? But what about ME?? What about MY WELL-BEING??? NO ONE CARES ABOUT THAT, DO YOU!!! CLIT-HATERS!!!

Bro, what’s with the quotes this week? More than a few are from movies that arn’t even out on dvd yet! Congratulations, you are now officaly the guy who
ruins a movie he just saw for everyone else by reinacting all the funny lines out of it. Thanks a lot, ASSHOLE.

Leo Ellis. I answered back, telling him to quit whining. He responded:

Fuck you bro, it’s not like I’m really pissed or sad, it just blows that when I see those movies now, I’ll say to myself “haven’t I heard that line before?” Instead of just laughing. I only said somthing so that you would realise that it sucks for some people, and maybe not do it. Sorry for the rambling response. Don’t you have more important shit to do than send people shit like this? You must really not be getting as much mail at all, I have sent you far less benine mails than that one before witch elicited NO response. (like how I went all eric S. on ya there with them big words? I’m a genius I tells ya.) So anyway, I didn’t mean to come across like I was bitching and moaning, more just giving you shit in a friendly manner. By the by, you might want to do somthing about where your column is on the site, I had to go into the wrestling articles to find it on monday, rather than it just being on the front page like it should. I’ve been wit you since the old red and black days, and am glad to finally have a chance to say thanks for all the times you’ve made me laugh over the years. 

Guess you won’t reply unless provoked though, so FUCK YOU, YOU DICKLESS, ANTHILL HUMPING, AIDS INFESTED MUD SHARK!!! YOU SEWER DRINKING MONKEY! GO RAPE SOME MORE DEAD BODIES……. Damnit. Wait, I messed up. You can’t rape someone who dosn’t say no, right? 

Wow, that was fun. Thanks for replying!

Leo Ellis

I’m not your “bro”, pal! Ya hear me!!

I can’t believe someone actually thinks that reading a couple of TRANSCRIBED lines from a movie that runs at LEAST 90 minutes will ruin the whole experience for him. 

And they can’t say no if you inject them with enough horse tranquilizer to shut down the Kentucky Derby… so I guess that’s a nice loophole for ya! With school back in session, its nice to have important info like that!

Dear Net Writer, This is none other then thee HHH. And how do you not know i’m not just stepping on Randy Ortons push to piss off all the net writers? Bet you never thought of that. 

This has been a HHH Update.


Wow!… thank you SO MUCH, Mr LeVesque! How about that, huh? First Vince becomes a contributor and now HHH! I tell ya, Hyatte is on a ROLL!!

I am Hyatte, by the way. Chris Hyatte. How you doin’, Cockmasters? We got us a column here, not MUCH of a column, but a column all the same. So how about we roll into it and damn the torpedos! Full steam ahead!


No Thursday column to plug… and I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT!!!

WIDRO, however, cares what you think about IP Sports NFL Pick ‘Em tournament. This looks like one of Daniels ideas… and it isn’t bad. Just a fun way for you to gamble on football games without losing any money, but you get to crow about how smart you are to your friends and family. Hell, you’re probably online all the time looking up stats and injury lists anyway… might as well give yourself a good excuse!

Give it a go… you’ve got nothing to lose other than your pride when every pick you make bombs out!

This is the new website of my friend Briana Bryans. Just another young piece of lettuce you loves the Cool Hy. Total hottie who manages to pull off confidence without being arrogant. She also happens to be an Indy workr just DYING for more and more work, and she’s been known to travel LOOOONG distances to work a show… so any promoters out there, give it a looksee.

Oh, and coming soon, And Another Thing: Independance on a Saturday Night. Did you know it’s almost been a year since The Taking of Triple H rocked the very foundations of your existence? Well, Hyatte will soon be doing it again! Prepare, you rat twits! You have no idea!


You all know about the problems “Dr. Death” Steve Williams is having, I assume.

That is, of course, throat cancer, which will require him to have his voicebox removed. Bart Gunn is being blamed. It all went to shit for Williams after Bart tuned his ass up and shocked the hell out of everyone in the Brawl For All a few years back. Damn you, Bart Gunn!!

Bill Watts was the first to break this news to Georgiann Makropoulos at 1wrestling… which makes no sense to me. I thought that whenever wrestlers caught cancer the first thing they did was make a bee-line for WRESTLECRAP and let THEM know! 

Anyway, the bad news is that Williams will no longer be allowed to rip-off Jim Duggan and scream, “YOOOOOOOOOOOO” to the delight of dozens of Indy fans across the country (and the Japs).

The GOOD news is that Watts announced that Dr. Death had found GOD a while ago and is CONFIDENT that Christ will guide him into the endzone of HEAVEN!

So, just to bring him, and his fans some peace of mind, I conducted the EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with God, to get HIS take!

Hyatte: God?

God: What? Who is this?

Hyatte: Chris Hyatte! You f*cked me over when you took my mom away ten years back. Remember?

God: Oh right… Heh, you squirmed like a bass in the boat for years. How you doin’? Satan tells me your Mom gives great head.

Hyatte: Right… umm, my Lord and Savior, why are you torturing Dr. Death? He’s given himself over to you.

God: Nigga please. That asshole spent the first thirty years of his life breaking every commandment and pissing on every law I laid down. He made his bed, mullet boy can sleep in it now. 

Hyatte: But he found you and has since changed his ways!

God: SO?

Hyatte: So you love him!

God: I love all of my creatures, even the smelly ones, but that doesn’t mean I can’t f*ck them up!

Hyatte: So this is punishment?

God: Nah, I’m above that.

Hyatte: Then what…

God: Dr. Death was never the sharpest knife in the drawer, and neither are you, moron, so I’ll make this simple, and in football terms so that everyone can understand: If you’re deep in the fourth quarter, and you’re losing 55-7 and we’re at the two minute warning, it’s too late to throw the old playbook out and make up a brand new one! Can’t be done! The crowd has gone home and the sportscasters are taliing about next week’s game. Show’s OVER, bitch. Hit the showers and feel sorry for yourself!

Hyatte: That’s cold, God

God: That’s what I can’t stand about you cocksuckers. All you do is come knocking on my door at all ours ONLY when you want or need something! When the shit is going strong, and your game is tight, I don’t hear from you. It’s only when you need a hand-out do you remember your Daddy! Fuck you and your greed! I’m done forgiving! I’m done with getting pissed on! Dr. Death fornicated his way through just about every Oklahomo Sorority house from 1978-1992… many times he just jammed his thing up there drugged up asses! Now, contrary to popular opinion, I’ve got no problems tapping some fine female ass, but he should’ve shown the love when he was feeling good! Not after everything started falling apart! Fuck him and f*ck you! I’m this close to wiping this lame planet clean and letting the cockroaches rule! 

Hyatte: But Williams will be at your side if and when he passes on, true?

God: Not with that mullet. And he BETTER not bring that annoying voice buzzer with him. I’ll laugh him right out of the pearly gates.

Hyatte: Why so angry, Lord?

God: Angry? Me and Belushi just scored some fine grade-a columbian rock. Man, I’m more peaceful than a motherf*cker! Okay, I got a call comin’ in. Seems that Lennon and Elvis strapped that whiny Cobain punk to the crucifix and nailed him to it by his balls. I gotta go clean this up. Tell Dr Death to load up on sunblock for when he dies. Later. 

Hyatte: Wait! I’ve got a billion more ques…


He hung up.

Man… poor Williams. He’s screwed.

Well, one good thing is that its nice to see Mom is doing well! is where you can send Dr. Death YOUR kindest regards… he’s really going to need it.


Because web guys can’t let anything die, it’s been widely reported among the IWC – with a generous amount of snickering – that Brock Lesnar has but cut from the Minnesota Vikings and his future as an NFL player just took a big hit.

And, just as it has been since the bastard walked out of the WWE, speculation as to when he’ll return is running wild. EVERYONE has been and currently is coutning the days until Brock comes crawling back to the WWE… like the broke-down beaten bitch he is.

You see, IWC fans can’t STAND the fact that Brock left. They HATE the fact that the guy decided that he didn’t like the business and wanted to try something else. He HATED it so much that he walked out fast. Just gave up the rest of his contract, promised not to work for any competitor and walked. He lost millions doing it. 

He even TRIED to deal with his misery by buying his own jet so he could at least work the house shows with as little stress as possible. It wasn’t enough. HE DIDN’T LIKE HIS JOB AND WANTED A NEW ONE!!

And you people can’t STAND it. Why?

No, really, I’m confused. Didn’t Brock leave a company where the workers are treated like garbage, the women are degraded, and the top star on Raw happens to also be a major influence in the owner’s ear… so much so that he decides who gets pushed and who doesn’t? Didn’t he leave a company where good workers get NO push because they kiss the wrong ass, or they aren’t the right size, or they were just hiredf so no one else could hire them?

Didn’t he leave a company with NO insurance, NO benefits, NO worker’s comp, and that just has a downside guarantee that they can change whenever they like?

Didn’t he leave a company where the workers are 100% responsible for showing up to the gig? Airfare, car rental, hotels, food… all on their own dime?

Didn’t he leave a company where you are rarely appreciated, worked like a dog, and get ZERO downtime… no off-season at all?

Those are just a FEW of the usual complaints that the same fans who now are pissing and laughing at Lesnar for having DARED walk away. 

Because, I mean, if HE doesn’t love the business that we invest so much time bitching about, how does that make US look? Like a bunch of losers?

I hope Lesnar never comes back. Why would he want to? To entertain you people? 

Morons. He didn’t like wrestling. He had every right to walk away. Just like you do from your job. LET HIM FOLLOW HIS OWN PATH, YOU BABIES!!

Hmm, that turned into a mini-AAT on me. Well, it happens.


The Raw brand played Dallas yesterday and all reports say a fun time was had by ALL!

But it’s what happened AFTER the match that akes this MidNews worthy… as reported by ON THE SPOT REPORTER, FBinTEX:


I went to the RAW house show tonight in Dallas. No, I’m not sending you results, you don’t care about that. But here’s something you would care about. After the show we saw all these big cars waiting in line so we went over. Wrestlers started coming out, there was a group of about 25 fans asking for autographs. Howard Finkel, Molly Holly, Maven and Chuck Palumbo all signed. Ric Flair was still talking shit about the Cowboys, apparently still in character. Christian, Stacy Keibler, Randy Orton and Chris Benoit all waved and said goodbye, but didn’t sign autographs. 

One gal went out of her way to sign for everyone: Trish Stratus. 

As I was waiting I asked her if she reads internet wrestling columns. She said, “Yeah, sometimes. 

I said, “I’m Chris Hyatte, have you heard of me? 

She said, “Oh my gosh! I always read the Midnight News, every monday! 

I said, “Great, check it out on Thursday too!” She signed my program, “To Chris, {heart} Trish” 

And then she had to leave. 

Just wanted to let you know.


ahem… you assholes… I TOLD YOU!!!!!!

This isn’t a fake online chick pulling my wang… this is the REAL THING ADMITTING IT!!!


Of course, not exactly the testament of adoration I would have preferred… but the girl knows I live hell and away from Dallas… I think… if she’s paying attention

“Oh my gosh”… damn skippy.

Anyone STILL doubt I might be able to marry this chick? 

Actually, why WOULDN’T she read this thing every Monday… she practically co-writes it she’s in it so much.

But a word of note… anyone who wants to tell people they are me, please keep in kind that I would NEVER plug my Thursday column awkwardly like that. Well, I WOULD… but I’d try to be more smooth about it.

And wouldn’t it just be the headf*ck of YOUR LIFE if I DID manage to marry her? 

Anyway, thanks to FB… was there a look of love in her eye? Perhaps lust? Did a puddle form betwen her legs? I need these answers. I have some serious spanking to do this week, vital images are needed. 



Top five movies of the week, daddio!!

1) Hero: $8.8 million ($32.5 million total). Acne scars! THE LEAD ACTOR IN THIS MOVIE IS COVERED WITH ACNE SCARS!!!

David Bowie just issued the following statement: Attention, I was bloody wrong, not ALL of us can be bloody heroes, not even for one day. This movie is bollocks and I demand a full bleedin’ boycott!

2) Without a Paddle: $7 million ($37.8 million total) You know what this movie needs? BIG ASS SNAKES!! 

3) Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid: $6.2 million ($22.2 million total) You know what this movie needs? BIG ASS NED BEATTY AND A HOARD OF NEW HILLBILLYS! Now that’s the movie we NEED!

Did you know my Mom used to call her clit the “blood orchard”? Didn’t take much hunting for me to find THAT bad boy… oh no!

4) Paparazzi: $6.2 million opening weekend. I swear, this is the first I’ve ever even HEARD of this movie! Nice marketing job, people. 

5) Cook-Out: $5.6 million opening weekend. It would have had a bigger opening weekend but the target audience wanted to spend the weekend at home and resting up for the beginning of the school year. Yup… nothing’s more important to the urban youths of today than school…. nope… where else are they gonna score the best herb?

Danny Glover acting all hip-hop… let us all weep for the utter destruction of his dignity… alas… 

Hey look, White people acting goofy! MESSAGE!!!!!

In other TV news: I, for one, and JACKED to see HBO’s Family Bonds, the ten part reality series about a family of Bounty Hunters. I was sold on the hard rock version of Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain.


One thing about these… err… free spirited, white-trashy families is that every one of them has some freeloading, non-related loser living there for no reason other than because he can… and no one cares!

You’ve just been served– the guy says, then slaps the papers right in the guy’s face… now THAT’S ball busting!!

This is gonna be a freakin’ GREAT series, yo!

In other TV news… Jerry Lewis looks good… FINALLY! The last few years his head was the size of a watermelon. Good to see him in recovery…

Now, if he’d only tell a few JOKES.

In HONOR of the annual MDS Telethon, I give yoy my impression of Jerry Lewis perforimg a cover song of Bob Dylan’s Blowin’ in the Wind… ahem…

The answer my frieeeeends, is blowin’ in the winnnnd, the answer is blowin in the LAAAAAADY!!! PRETTY LAAAAAAAADY!!!!



So of course, being the web guy with the most chick readers, I am always open to make a new friend… ain’t like there’s anyone else around for these girls to love!

The following took place sometime last week… watch Mac daddy Hyatte work his his voodoo and TAKE NOTES!

HotStacey353: Hey Sexy.. i love ur columns
Hyatte1com: thanks dude

HotStacey353: you’rew e.come.
HotStacey353: dont be so antisocial….
Hyatte1com: okay, I won’t
HotStacey353: Your not talking
Hyatte1com: I said thanks!
HotStacey353: htats nice.
HotStacey353: you’re we.c 1me.

Hyatte1com: so how are you?
HotStacey353: Good.
Hyatte1com: that’s good! Is your name Stacey?
HotStacey353: yea.
Hyatte1com: and what does 353 stand for?
HotStacey353: i play soccer every weekend. what do you do on the weekends?
Hyatte1com: Cruise malls looking for young lettuce

HotStacey353: i am playing these addicting games:
HotStacey353: we should talk more?
Hyatte1com: sure
HotStacey353: Have u ever tried to solve a rubiks cube? lol I swear it is impossible…
Hyatte1com: well, yeah, in the 80’s
HotStacey353: Alrgiht.
Hyatte1com: it’s an ollld game

HotStacey353: i just got a new corvette, its so sweet.
Hyatte1com: brand new?
Hyatte1com: how?
HotStacey353: it is sooo hot here! whats your weather like there?
Hyatte1com: hot where?
HotStacey353: i’ll prboably never know.

Hyatte1com: where is it hot?
HotStacey353: i don’t know i’ve never been there.
Hyatte1com: you said it’s hot where you were
HotStacey353: leave me out of this. i did nothing wrong.
Hyatte1com: I disagree
HotStacey353: thats nice.

HotStacey353: You have been talking to! One of your friends is now reading the whole conversation and laughing it up! GET EVEN! Have the bot talk to all your friends by visiting
Hyatte1com: Oh you ASSSHOLE!!

DAMMIT… first the fake Tammy and now THIS!

Hosed again… ME…. frickin’ HYATTE…. the smartest of them ALL!



I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Picklegagger, who has never done anything for anyoneâ?¦ and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Becauseâ?¦ 

His rendition of “I Will Surive” has been knocking them dead for years in every karaoke bar up and down the eastern seaboard!



With the second hurricane within the last month blowing all his weed and money out in the the sky, why don’t I cheer Flea up and entertain you by tossing in this bonus feature that’s usually reserved for the Thursday column! 

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:


â?¦James Bond?

Great. The greatest ever. One of the most forgotten movies is when Connery held them up for more money and Lazenby took over. What people don’t remember is that Diana Rigg was in that movie. Fuckin’ Diana Rigg. Man, she was on it. And who’d they get to play Blofield? Telly Savalas. That’s the nuts right there. Long movie. Looooong. “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” Go rent it. Roger Moore was a pussy. They had to get Connery back in there. That Dalton was a pussy. Pierce Brosnan was good. But they gave him shitty scripts. Fuck them. Who they got now? The cocksucker Hulk? That’ll piss on them good. What’s that other movie with Ben Kingsley? The new one? Zero something? He’s a serial killer? What the f*ck? Fuckin’ Ben Kingsley ain’t no Tony Lector.

Flea: A man who is getting mighty sick of hurricanes… and Jews


I found a few websites, and a lot of you have been GREAT with the submissions. I’m doing okay with movies/TV shit… so if you don’t mind, focus on wrestling. I need wrestling promoes and little quips. Thanks.

This time, we toss in some TV stuff to go with the movies… because the TV season is fast looming and in honor of the Inside Pulse’s big TV Zone that is sporting it’s very own model!!

Fun stuff this week! I like what I slapped together!

01): Look I think you have a rare case of glaucoma on your penis

And how do you know that?

‘Cause I saw your penis last night

Excuse me?

While you were taking a shower I saw you from the bushes.

Uh huh

Hey if looked out you would have saw my penis

And why is that?

‘Cause I had it out and in my hand while I was looking at your penis.Scrubs 

02): Son… DO YOU SEE THIS? This is an Anger Prisoner. A textbook example. DO YOU SEE THE FEAR, PEOPLE? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places… 

You’re right, actually. I am pretty- I’m, I’m pretty troubled and I’m, I’m pretty confused. But I. . .and I’m afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I… I… I think you’re the f*cking Antichrist.Donnie Darko 

03): Rick, cover me.

Why aren’t you wearing underwear?

You ate them all!Zapped Again

04): Did you know, Mr. Torrance, that your son is attempting to bring an outside party into this situation? Did you know that? 


He is, Mr. Torrance. 


A nigger. 

A nigger? 

A nigger cook. 


Your son has a very great talent. I don’t think you are aware how great it is. That he is attempting to use that very talent against your will. 

He is a very willful boy. 

Indeed he is, Mr. Torrance. A very willful boy. A rather naughty boy, if I may be so bold, sir. 

It’s his mother. She, uh, interferes. 

Perhaps they need a good talking to, if you don’t mind my saying so. Perhaps a bit more. My girls, sir, they didn’t care for the Overlook at first. One of them actually stole a pack of matches, and tried to burn it down. But I “corrected” them sir. And when my wife tried to prevent me from doing my duty, I “corrected” her.The Shining 

06): How tall are you, private? 

Sir, five-foot-nine, sir. 

Five-foot-nine, I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.Full Metal Jacket

07): Oh… I, I can’t say that. 

Say what? 

What are they called? 

The Assf*ck Twins. 

I can’t say that. Can we call them something else? 

But they’re the Assf*ck Twins. 

Well I know, but um, couldn’t I call them the Naughty Twins or something? 

No, you couldn’t just call them the Naughty Twins. They’re the Assf*ck Twins. Why would you call them The Naughty Twins when they get f*cked in the ass all the time? 

Well, that’s pretty naughty.Orgazmo

08): I’m gonna have a migraine tonight ’cause I didn’t beat you.NYPD Blue 

09): Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.Love Actually

10): I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. 

I don’t care if he never gets back. I’m not being cute. I really hope he’s dead.Family Guy

12): Having sex with a woman who is pregnant is like driving a car that you’ve already wreckedMarried with Children 

13): The remains of your mortal wife. So frail. So earthy. So very dead. 

At least she’s at peace.

Peace is highly overrated. 

Things don’t change, Katana, I like that. After all these years, you’re still a jerk.Highlander 2: The Quickening

14): You little scumbag. I got your name, I got your ass. You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will learn by the numbers I will teach you. Now get up, get on your feet. You had best un-f*ck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck.Full Metal Jacket

15): I’d like to see Richard Burton or Sir John Gielgud or Sir Laurence Olivier do “Macbeth”, memorizing all that dialogue, and have a boner.Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy

Yea! You tell them, Ron! Snooty, Brit bastards!!

Could Stella Adler put her own dick in her mouth? I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!

And just like that, another column is bagged and tagged! I’ll show up on Thursday… and next Monday… and Thursday again…. and so on, and so on… and… oh God, so on…

Endless man, just so f-ing endless


I… I feel like a child in the boring department store who just looses all energy and falls down in the middle of the store and his mother has to drag him bonelessly down the aisle… 

What I’m saying is you people are the underwear sale of my life! And all I do is leave skid marks on you!

Grab yer bowls and ponder THAT, why don’cha!

This is Hyatte