The Midnight News 09.09.04

hyatte | September 9, 2004 | Archive | 0 Comments

Hey moron, Marilyn Monroe never had six toes on one foot. A simple google search would’ve told you that. Nice going, dumb-ass

Forgot the name

Ahhh, who cares. She wasn’t that great… 

And I’m sure she had six toes SOMEWHERE on… or IN her body at one time or another. 

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Omega.

Late? You bet’cha… am I REALLY caring? NUUUUUUUUUUope


Smackdown featured Heyman, Lumberjacks, and Michael Cole being chased around like a fag.

TNA ended their weekly PPV experiment with Jeff Jarrett beating Jeff Hardy and Vince Russo taking his shirt off. WHich is all you need to know in orfder to understand why this experimant failed.

But nevermind that…. let’s see who got the spoilers up FIRST! WHO RULES THE WEEK??

TUESDAY September 7, 2004: 3:19 PM: Feeling the PRESSURE of being a supposedly TOP wrestling “reporter”, after WEEKS of not getting ANY Spoilers from his MILLIONS of readers and then being GOOFED ON by me because of it, and embarrassed in front of EVERYONE, PW TORCH Editor WADE KELLER made a pre-show PLEA for someone… ANYONE to send in a recap after the show: Smackdown is taped tonight in Tulsa, Okla. and we’d sure like to receive a report from a reader who attends. We haven’t been getting reports most weeks lately, so please don’t assume someone else will do it. Even if it’s just basic results without a lot of details, that’s perfectly fine! Send to the “matchresults” email link at the top of the Main Listing page (the email link is also at the bottom of every news article).

Yes, DON’T THINK SOMEONE ELSE WILL DO IT!! By God, we are ALL IN THIS TOGETHER… we ALL make the Torch the tops! You, me, and Wade keller are all in this together!! SO DO YOUR PART!

Of course, Keller’s the only one getting PAID for this… by YOU… so not only are you to WORK for him for free, you’re also expected to PAY him for it.


TUESDAY September 7, 2004: 9:51 PM: Through the help of some Injuns, and in exchange for a silly plug, Dave Scherer and the PWInsider scored the FIRST spoilers of the evening. To make matters worst, they were fed constant, as it happens segments that they posted all night long. Alas… can’t beat that. Scherer is a cocksucker, but this week he takes the spoiler race… weight lifting f*ckface.

TUESDAY September 7, 2004: (no time given): Someone at this site, the INSIDE PULSE, carefully monitored the Scherer updates and then… the MOMENT HE HAD THE COMPLETE SHOW, TORE THAT FUCKER OFF PW INSIDER and popped it here! Now THAT’S smart thinking! Well done…. whoever you are!

TUESDAY September 7, 2004: 11:28 PM: Meltzer has a rat in the sack, so he tosses on a quick spoiler that Kidman and London dropped the tag straps, then posted it. Then he shoved his penis in the rat’s mouth and shouted, “OBSERVE THIS, BITCH!! UUUGH!! 

TUESDAY September 7, 2004: 11:31 PM: Meltzer comes, rolls off the rat, and slaps the rest of the results on. He doesn’t give credit to ANYONE… because he is Dave Meltzer and you suck his dick like all the other rats.

WEDNESDAY September 8, 2004: (no time given): 411’s Ashish FINALLY gets around to cutting and pasting from the Insider. Sorry Ash, IP BEAT YOU TO IT!! HA!!!! YOU GET TO KEEP MICHAEL HUCKABEE AND WE GET FASTER SMACKDOWN SPOILERS!!! EVEN TRADE!!

WEDNESDAY September 8, 2004: 6:27 AM: Bob Ryder reluctantly gets the spoilers up, many, many, MANY hours after the fact! When asked to comment on why he was so late, he said, “Don’t you realize… the TNA weekly PPV is OVER!!! WHO CARES ABOUT DING DONG SMACKDOWN WHEN THE SUPERIOR RASSLIN’ COMPANY IS NOW REDUCED TO AN HOUR ON A SHITY CABLE STATION IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY WHEN EVERYONE’S WORKING OR AT SCHOOL!!! So obviously, Bob has a lot on his mind. 

WEDNESDAY September 8, 2004: 2:30 PM: FINALLY… and only SEVENTEEN HOURS after they first showed up, Wade keller PROUDLY gets the spoilers up for the Torch! Keller’s so happy, he ALMOST injected a little passion into his reports… almost.

Zoel Lopez was the one who saved Keller’s ass and sent in the recap. Who on earth would name their kid “Zoel”?

WEDNESDAY September 8, 2004: 4:29 PM: Alas… two weeks ago they outscooped EVERYONE and got the spoilers in first… this week, the LORDS OF PAIN go back on IWC Welfare and enter THEIR spoilers almost 24 hours after they first appeared… Kings today… Losers with bad writers calling themselves “Dumass” tomorrow. Alas… why even bother.

So what did we learn?

1) Scherer needs a beating on general principle alone

2) Meltzer knows all about the word “pre-mature”

3) Keller is desperate, and it’s starting to show

4) Ryder hates you

5) Scherer needs to have a heart attack and die

6) Ashish fell asleep at the switch this week.

7) It’s back to usual for the Lords of Pain.

8) Hyatte makes them sweat.

Good times. I love this feature.


Eyebrows were raised as Eddie Guerrero had a “moment” in the ring during Smackdown tapings that is being called “a blank out”. Sources blame STRESS… Eddie is just so damned CONCERNED with is job that it’s slowly DESTROYING him… body and mind.

And for god sakes, he wasn’t HIGH or anything… just over-stressed. He isn’t WASTED… he didn’t FALL OFF THE WAGON or anything… he’s just stressed.


Bullshit. You want to know what happened with Eddie? I’ll tell you, he blanked out in the middle of the match because he couldn’t stop drooling about the trip to Applebees after the show where he was going to dig into Fiesta Lime Chicken!! Ah si, Eddie zoned out in culinary ecstasy over this grilled boneless breast marinated in lime juice and tequila flavors! OH Amigo, this is a fiesta for your taste buds! Topped with a Mexi-ranch and Jack-cheddar sauce, and served with crisp tortilla strips, Southwest rice and pico de gallo. 

As for dessert? We-hell-ell, the closest thing to an injury in the ring was when Eddie slipped on his own drool after imagining every delectable morsel of Applebee’s
Triple Chocolate Meltdown!! Who needs cocaine when Eddie can get high on this rich and magnificently moist chocolate cake topped with BOTH dark and white chocolate. Say SI to Its fudge-filled center that WILL erupt upon first bite, richly rolling into vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate fudge.

So, as you can see… there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for Eddie’s little “moment”. Resistance is futile.


Yes, it’s him. Yes, he’s back. No, this isn’t a ruse. 

Vince McMahon has sent in another segment for this column.


Yeah yeah yeah, I know I’ve burned you before with that DUDE acting like Tammy Sytch…. but this is different… I can’t say how it is, but I swear, its him.

This week, Vince addresses a topic that is near and dear to his heart… a new family member.


Crazy like a Fox

Greetings, my fine little Kool-Aid drinkers, 

When last I spoke at you (and not “to you”, as most, if not all of you insectile half-wits have profoundly proven to be impossible to have anything but the basest of dialogue with) I had resorted to vile name-calling and verbiose harangument – conduct not becoming a man of my place.

Which is not to say that you are due an apology. A quaint notion, true, but purely child-like in reason. I am quite convinced that, through some deviated sense of arrogance, you feel that it is your place – your luxury, to engage in lax, barroom drunkard talk with me. Expect no pity when your feelings are injured when I do the same – in fiercer and more brutal strikes.

Or perhaps you thought you had succeeded in chasing me away from contributing to this meager, fan-based internet page. Rest assured, my toothless, neutered jackals, it will take more than the proverbial sticks and stones mantra to influence any whim i choose to indulge in. In short, what you see as your greatest blow, I hardly blink over. To use even baser terminology: I’ve crapped out better insults than you monkeys could possibly throw at me.

Now then, with the table properly set, you can reilsh the main entree that I have prepared on this day; a tasty plate of knowledge, information, and educational value. Intellectual tastebuds such as yours are more than likely too coarse to fully enjoin the nuance of my words, but it is something I’m used to by now. Indeed, I have grown accustomed to entertaining infantile commoners like you. for all of my professional life. And I do it one spoonful at a time.

Did you know that I am senile? Apparently so. Or perhaps you weren’t aware that I am a doddering old fool who lumbers about backstage, drooling out orders to my staff. The staff then appeases me by shaking their heads vigorously and with gusto, assuring me verbally, then snickering at the simpering old fart the moment my one good ear is facing the opposite direction. Yes fans, its true. The Emperor is naked, demented, and quite gone. The most powerful man in sports entertainment has lost his marbles and is being led by the nose by his friends and family, all of whom are using his incontinence to their fullest advantage. “To hell with the future of the company,” the whisper greedily amongst themselves, “Let’s soak the old man and his assets for all its worth.” And the main conspirator of this unforgivable trespass: the outsider, the wolf in sheep’s clothing, the ingratiator. Judas has been reborn and walks in the skin of my new son-in-law. 

You know him as Triple H. And he is intent of gutting my company out from the inside.

Yes, as I, the chairman of the World Wrestling Entertainment Empire waddle about in feces smeared diapers, Triple H has been manipulating the very foundation of my company for his own selfish, thoughtless, devious ends. Power-mad with greed, Helmsley has done what no other human has done: He is reached down into the heart of my family and insinuated himself into it. He has done this with a wink, a smile, and a veritable vat of the proverbial snake oil. He has become a member of the inner circle. Something that Hogan, Hellwig, Savage, Piper, Micheals, or Hart never could achieve. He has become family.

That devious bastard.

And now, with the owner of the company a fumbling old relic who stuffs food in his mouth with one hand while the other one is mindlessly fondling his genitalia, with the matron of the family focused primarily on the administrative end of running the empire, with the son busy with a new family and running the New Media wing of the empire, and with the daughter hopelessly bamboozled, to the point of falling in love in and marrying the charlaton, Helmsley has taken full control of the cresative direction of the wrestling end of the WWE. Watch as he gleefully pulls the strings of staff and careers alike, with malice – with hate. 

With this power, with the owner a sprattling, wrinkled old fool who is no longer able to see the obvious, does Helmsley strive to bring the WWE Wrestling brand to its very finest, most compelling, most profitable peak? Does he labor day after day, hour after hour, with no regard for nourishment or rest, to improve the product ato the point where it reaches cultural nirvana? Does he strive endlessly to earn his roll in the family business beyond something as irrelevant as a marriage license?

Of course not. He uses his power to keep rising stars down, to keep established stars leashed, and to keep his faded star high above all others. At the expense of the entire company. Triple H will collapse the WWE to nothing more than dust and rubble in order to stay the headliner. He will destroy my company, brick by brick, in ordfer to attain God-like status, in order to ascend to the pantheon of legends. To assume his rightful place, and then to ascend beyond.

And I am doing nothing about this? Nothing? I am completely unaware? That is what these dyspeptic dirt sheet writers and internet fans scream, on a daily basis. They freely give no regard to anything resembling common sense and choose to parrot loudly and with joy the observations on the most insipid of fifth party reporters. 

It must be true, so and so who never set foot in my office, or in a creative meeting, or in a god damnable ring said so.

And many of you believe this.

And you wonder how I became so wealthy in this business where just a precious few others have just gotten rich, how could I not have? I am reaching into the pockets of a fan base so absurdly open to blanket suggestions. I am literally dealing with robots, robots begging to be programmed and told what to think. All I did was program you to reach into your pocket and hand me emerald paper. 

You’ll think whatever I tell you to think. It’s not even a challenge anymore.

As for the demon known as Triple H. Rather than spend valuable amounts of chronological energy elucidating on the sheer puerile of this theory that I do nothing while Helmsley plays in my yard like a sadistic child in the playground, I will instead give you the opportunity to confront him next week.

Yes, my son-in-law, Triple H will be the guest writer next week. I challenge you to communicate with him via my e-mail address and take your concerns to him.

We both want to know if you have the grapefruits to speak your woefully squalid minds to the Game. Neither of us think you can.

And I am never wrong when it comes to judging you. How can I be? I programmed you personally.

Now excuse me while I defecate myself.

Can the Heartbreak Kid overcome the monster known as Kane and gain some measure of revenge? And what role will Lita play in this match? Christian, Chris Jericho. Who has the will to reach the top of the ladder and take the Inter-Continental Championship as his own? Has Rhyno finally found the right partner in Tajiri to win the tag team championship from La Resistance? And in the ultimate test, Randy Orton defends his newly won World Heavyweight Championship against his mentor, his former friend and ally, the greatest wrestler in the world today: The Game. Is this just the start of Orton’s career, or will the Cerebral Assassin cut it short like he has cut all others. Find out this Sunday as WWE Raw presents: Unforgiven. Order it through In Demand or call your local cable and/or satellite
provider for details.

And that’s my Attack. 

Oh my…

Next week… TRIPLE H!?!?!? HOLY F-ING SHIT!!!!!!


All you assholes do is whine, whine, whine. Now Hyatte’s giving you the shot to go head to head with TRIPLE H!! Don’t friggin’ BLOW IT!!

Thank you SO MUCH, Mr. McMahon… this is the best gift I’ve ever gotten.

Holy Christ…. I can’t believe this! 


So, last week I looked in my mailboxc and lo and behold… there was a copy of Wade Keller’s PWTorch! It’s a nifty little promotional strategy from Keller. Send out a freebie to former subscribers and toss in a coupon asking for your business back. 

But Wade… I already have a free pass to the Torch’s VIP section, so I already READ the newsletter, AND sniffed around the forum, AND listened to the audio, AND read all those neato VIP Only content like Bruce Mitchell’s regular Mop-Up total rip-off. Why buy a new subscription, even at a cut-rate price, when I get it all for NOTHING?


But I DID get it… so I might as well review the thing briefly, for those Meltzer bitches who don’t get the Torch.

1) The front page is some big cover story on whatever the Nert had covered in fair earnest over the last few days. This time it’s the WWE Financial results.

2) Top five stories. Again, just a recap of what the net had already exhausted in various op-ed pieces. Of course, Keller doesn’t ever do much of his OWN op-editing. He just reports the facts.

3) A Raw and Smackdown recap. Total waste of time since recaps are posted within minutes after the shows end already online (and by now, is there anyone WITHOUT net access?)

4) News wire. This is where Keller publishes deep, inside bacvkstage stories. Always a favorite for the readers. This is the stuff that Keller keeps WAY OFFLINE. THIS is the sheet’s bread and butter… and the actual new, interesting gossip he posts varies from week to week in terms of value. This isn’t Keller’s fault. Sometimes a week or two goes by where there really isn’t anything to report.

5) House show results. Where have YOUR favorite WWE workers performed last week? Wade has all the info. A harmless little inclusion.

5) Backtrack! This is where Keller posts a brief excerpt of something he posted ten years ago. Completely worthless since he has a lot of his back Torch’s available for his VIP people.

6) Pat McNeill. This is the Torch’s big selling point, the WRITERS he’s always crowing about. Pat McNeill is one of them, and is also the one with no life. He almost NEVER misses a newsletter. The problem with McNeill is two-fold: 1) He has nothing to say and 2) he tries too hard to be “witty”. Not funny, he knows he’s not creative enough to be laugh out loud funny, just “witty” – safe, family friendly, inoffensive witty. His big thing is to review pay per views from a bar, which is McNeill’s over-all specialty: He writes things that SOUND witty in theory, but just comes out boring, long, and terrible on paper.

7) James Guttman. This is the Torch rookie, and he shows it. Constantly devoted to earning his spot on the newsletter, the boy PACKS his columns with all sorts of nonsense. Guttman’s alright, he gets a MONSTER A for effort, gets a solid C for delivery. His main points aren’t bad, just nothing too unique. Basically, the man finds new ways to point out that Triple H is ruining EVERYTHING. Everything else Guttman does, all the side stuff and little add-ons are irrelevant AND boring. He’s got potential, but the delivery needs polishing.

8) Torch Talk. This is a semi-regular, multi-part feature where Keller interviews people in the business and strecthes the interview out for five or six weeks. His theory is that he can catch subscribers in between renewals and MAKE them re-up to get the rest of the interview. Often, Keller scores a HUGE interview, like with Hulk Hogan or Mick Foley or Sean Waltman, and sometimes nails fun interviews with people like Bill Apter, but usually, Keller scores lower-tier guys. As an interviewer, Keller isn’t bad – he just rarely directs the talk so the worker tends to ramble. 

6) ROUNDTABLE. This is where three, maybe four Torch writers talk about how bad the last TNA PPV was (with a straight recap of the show included so you know what they are talking about). This is a segment that Keller feels he NEEDS in here to make the newsletter more legitimate. “What kind of dirt sheet is this if there ain’t no TNA COVERAGE?!?!?”, says Wade! Alas, with the net offering a hundred recaps within ten minutes after the show ends (INCLUDING the, this makes the TNA “Roundtable” a complete WASTE OF SPACE.

7) Bruce Mitchell. Sometimes he doesn’t bother, Sometimes he sends in short “Memos”, and other times he does “Feature” articles. Keller is so enamored with Mitchell (“He’s personal friends with DAVE MELTZER!!!”) that he specifically sent out this issue, with a “Mitchell Feature” to old subscribers who decided to bail.

Mitchell is overrated. His main agenda is to drop names and hint on inside knowledge without revealing anything. He pads his feature essays with extraneous nonsense while aimlessly heading towards whatever point he’s trying to make. Basically, he excels at taking the scenic route to where he’s going. For instance, the “feature” topic this time was a long diatribe on how there are no REAL wrestling books out there that tell the TRUTH. In essense, it’s a extended, over-drawn version of an old And Another Thing I did. If you read Mitchell’s feature, then read that and see if you agree with me. 

In fact, f*ck it here’s the column in question. 

8) END NOTES: Keller commandeers the last page with his own thoughts on everything wrestling-wise. Nothing earth shattering, just completing his vision of wall to wall DIRT SHEETING!!!

9) Events Schedule: Keller’s handy, dandy guide to where the WWE crew from both brands will be working this week. Nice to have info for you marks. 

So in short, the Free Torch that landed in my mailbox is basically the same newsletter I got for a year in 2002-2003, except for a new writer. Bland, inoffensive, anal, and too PG for my tastes, but I actually like Wade Keller, he likes his role and works hard on it. The problem is he isn’t very creative, and isn’t very imaginative and picks writers that are “safe”. The plus is that this allows the Torch to appeal to the widest possible demo audience. The minus is that he doesn’t have that one… push that would take out Dave Meltzer and make the Torch the biggest sheet in the business.

I COULD tell him how to tweak a few things to break out and fly past the Observer… but why should I? Screw him.

Oh okay, here’s ONE suggestion, for free…. send me, Hyatte, a Torch for free and for LIFE… this way I can talk about it every week, attract attention to it, get people thinking more about it beyond the 100 people who frequent all those message boards that discuss it. Hyatte coverage is a potent thing… it’s how this new site managed to snag 95% of the audience. We lost MINIMAL readership when we jumped… and no faggot from The Other Arena mentioned it.

Free advice… which will go ignored because Hyatte is scum squared, and clueless, and a loudmouth, and doesn’t know SHIT… he just has this stupid audience that’s bigger than the entire Torch audience (newsletter AND internet) combined. What do I know… I’ve only been getting read for seven years, steady. 


Next week, I make fun of the Torch Audio section… that’ll be about 15 pages worth of goofery!


*The first “puck” ever used in a professional hockey game was a frozen piece of cow poop*

And just like that, youâ??re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform. 


Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:



Fuck this f*cking state. When I left this place when I was eighteen I said, “All done here, I ain’t never comin’ back.” But then I ended up coming back cuz I wanted to live on the beach. Ain’t that the dream? Well it was mine and the womans. So I came back, I knew I shouldn’t. I knew I was booking a loser here. So I was back, made some money, made some more money, partied partied partied. Then Charlie rolled in. Fucking pain in the ass that was. I ended up dragging f*cking trees out of my yard. I don’t like physical labor. That’s what I pay commoners for. But all right. Then this other one showed up. What the f*ck! It’s martial law out here now. Assholes are fighting each other over gas and plywood. The cops are fingering their guns and giving everyone the old evil eye. Alls I know is that I got my little generator here so the beer is cold, my windows are all boarded up. Good, I ain’t in the mood to see the outdoors. I spent this past weekend helping a friend get his horse back in his yard. I’m out there chasing down a horse yelling at it. He says, “What the f*ck, Flea, get it in here.” I said, “Man, it’s in your best interest to shut the f*ck up.” I ain’t no Bob Redford. Only cocksuckers whisper to a horse. I’m punching the thing in the face like Mongo in that Mel Tillis movie and it won’t sell. Then I got to wait ’till the Mexicans who don’t speak a word of English finish digging the ditches so the new horse fence can get in. Last time I help that asshole out, I’ll tell you what. Now we got Ivan coming in. That’s when I told the woman to go buy us a house. She ran up north when things got hot here and left me holding the bag. So I tells her to earn her keep and find us a house. She did. She tried to tell me about it. I said, “Does it have four or five bedrooms?” She said yup. I said, “Good, that’s all I want to know.” I’m outta this state, Hyatte. Never should’a came back in the first place. Came because I don’t like the snow. Well shit, all snow means is that you gotta stay inside and get drunk. Hurricanes is work. I’m gone. Day or two and I’m on the road. Fuck Florida. I didn’t sign on for this shit. Hurricanes want me, they got me to get. I’m done with this place. Piss on it.

Flea: Sore, tired, fed up, and sweaty. But his “stash” is safe. His daughter might have been blown all the way to Oz for all he knows, but his “stash” is SAFE!


Keep them coming. I still need submissions… but thanks to those who pitched in.

I’m keeping things simple this week. Twelve quickies then we’re out. No biggies. Short and sweet and fun! Enjoy!

01): We beat these two guys so bad that I don’t even remember their names!– Dusty Rhodes: Florida Wrestling ’87

02): I’m gonna stick your head so far up your ass your gonna have to cut holes in your nipples to see!– The Rock 

03): Just because a 12 year old kid stopped mowing lawns, put on a kooky mask and pinned me doesnâ??t mean it counted! Sorry kid, you know the rules. You must be THIS HIGH to talk to Kurt Angle. Make sure you let Dorothy, the tin man and all the Munchkins know your butt is mine at Summerslam!– Kurt Angle to Rey Mysterio

04): In my business, if you do your job right, you get hurt.– Red Bastien 

05): I never met a football player I couldn’t walk over to get to a better fight.– Arn Anderson

06): Whatcha gonna do, when the New World Organization runs wild on you?!– Hulk Hogan: screwing up his big heel turn: Bash at the Beach 1996

7): Gibson, you’re so crosseyed when you cry your tears roll down the back of your neck!– Jim Cornette to Robert Gibson, NWA TV

08): Mountie! Repo Man! Nasty Boys! I may be wearing a nose protector on my face, but WHO, in the world, will protect YOUR noses?!– Virgil: Wrestlemania VIII 

09): Why do they call you the Nature Boy? Do you like nature?

WHAT?– Audience

Do you like boys?– “Stone Cold” Steve Austin

WHAT?– Audience

10): There are bears in the woods that are tamer than Stan Hansen!– Bob Caudle: NWA TV 90

11): People like Sunny are only good for one thing and they can’t show that on national TV. And a best friend of mine says she’s not any good at that either.– Triple H at the Slammy Awards: mid-90’s

12): Who would win a match between you and… 


Wait — but you haven’t even heard the question yet…


…a match between yourself and Conquistador II?

Oh, that is a tough guy. A tough contender certainly, former tag team champion, but I think I would come out ahead in that one. Conquistador 1 now, I would kill him.– Coach and Christian: Raw 90-something

13): (talking about showing a healthy Shawn Michaels at the Republican Convention before he fights Kane) It’s like “Who Shot J.R.”… (brief, but obvious pause)… not Jim Ross… but J.R. Ewing– Wade Keller, clearly under the impression that wrestling fans need to be told when NOT to apply wrestling to everything. CLEARLY under the impression that wrestling fans simply do not FUNCTION without thinking about wrestling 24/7.: Torch Audio, this week,

What a tool.

Dammit, I MISS all those “WHAT” moments! AND YOU DO TOO!!!

Blast it Steve… why can’t you build a time machine and go back to that dang match with Owen Hart and fix it so you didn’t get that stinger piledriver and your career wasn’t cut short!! Think of all the rats you could be beating up right now as we speak!!!

Damn it! Someone get Austin a Flux Capacitor, QUICK!!

Now the people who already have perfect mental well-being and are in a constant blissful euphoria can go smoke some weed and sit in the mud and play with youyrselves while grooving to Country Joe and the Fish… this column is OVER for y’all

This is Hyatte

Now for the rest of us…



And as luck will have it, the theme of this week’s offering is MARRIAGE… and even better, each question comes from someone currently in a different STAGE of marriage… the “about to be married” man, the “new and still happily married” man, and… and the “Umm, this wasn’t what I was hoping for when I married the girl” man. This, out of all the GTL’s I’ve done, is the one you should print and save for the future, kids….

The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold.

Hi Chris,

What’s the best way to ask my girlfriend to marry me?

I know she’ll say yes because we’ve talked much about getting married next year. But I want the situation to be right. I don’t have the ring yet…. She wants her birthstone instead of a diamond.

We’ve been together for almost two years now. We also bought a house together earlier this year. It’s going to be our two year anniversary soon. I was thinking of asking her then. We’ll be going to the same restaurant we went to on our first date. There may also be a family gathering next month…. most of our families will be there.

What do you think?

(please withhold my name, thanks)

The same restaurant idea is quaint, but a huge cliche. Every unoriginal asshole does that.

In front of the family, I mean, doing it dead ass in the center of the living room with everyone watching you is pretty sweet, but you always run the risk of some smartass (usually a cousin or Uncle) making wisecracks.

Here’s a cool idea: I call it the “Future Ploy” because it hits the girl’s hot button – that being long term security. 

Take her out to dinner one night… try to make it a full moon night for the extra-magical effect.

Then, when you get home, turn on all of your outside lights, and your inside lights that show up in the front yard. The trick is to make your house look like a home… an active, rich, lived-in home. (If you can wait ’till you get your XMas lights up, even better). 

Take the lucky girl to the front yard so you two can look at your well-lit, beautiful home that belongs to YOU… more importantly, HER (and the bank, natvh)

After admiring your home for a while, say, “This is almost perfect whatever your name is, I’m really, really happy now. This is a good life.”

She’ll agree.

Then say, “But something’s missing. It’s not perfect, yet.”

Then get on a knee and produce the ring and ask, “Make it perfect for me, whateveryourfaceis. Marry me.”

See, it strokes her ego and gives her what every girl wants… a future with someone and not alone…

If that’s too cheesy, just slip the pickle in her ass one night, then the next morning toss the ring at her and say, “My daddy used to say, ‘if you pop her a good one in the shitter and she doesn’t call the cops, that there is a filly worth keepin’!'”

Either way, you win!

Anyway, what a perfect segue I got here. Hey dude, this next question will be something YOU’LL be asking me in a few years:


Hello, I am a long time reader, but I have never written to you before. I need the advice of a ‘disinterested third-party’ in the dilemma that I have.

To give you a litte background, I am 29 years old, married almost 5 years to a wonderful woman and we have a two-year old daughter together who is the light of my life. My problem is simple. I have become increasingly attracted to a woman I work with. This is complicated by the fact that the woman in question happens to be my direct supervisor. She is also a few years older than me, and has a husband and children of her own. I am not sure what, if anything, I should do about this. My supervisor and I have a good, solid working relationship and I don’t want to jeopardize that relationship for any kind of office fling that I am sure has no future in the first place. The reason I put it that way is because I have become increasingly convinced there is at least a little reciprocity from the woman involved. Nothing overt, but there are subtle signals there.

My question is this. Should I move to another department to remove temptation? Should I come clean to my supervisor and hope it doesn’t ruin our good work relationship? or should I try to make the most of it and have an office fling if in fact that is in the cards?


Please don’t put my name or email address in your column

This sounds like the older woman having her own little mid-life crisis. Maybe she caught her hubbie cheating on her or something?

The good news is that this is almost a guaranteed no-strings fling you will have here. It’ll be brief (a few months or so), fun, and in no danger of getting too personal.. As far as affairs go, this is the one to have, where both parties have soiemthing to lose if they get caught.

The bad news is that you WILL get caught. You aren’t that suave enough. Very few men are careful enough. We get a routine going and we get very lazy and confident in the routine… girls can sniff new patterns from a mile away. She’ll first get suspeicious then get convinced then track your ass down. You’ll be busted. 

You know something… I wouldn’t do this. Keep it in your pants, dude. Do it for the 5 year old daughter. She doesn’t desertve the trauma that comes when you get nailed.

And finally… wanna see your future? 

Here’s the problem with the guide to life section: The losers’ questions are wwwwwaaaayyyyyy tttooooooo lllooooonnnnngggggg!~*~! {Sorry Mr. Keller} Maybe you already edit them, but they need to be shorter. Even if the question is interesting, I’m so worn out by the end I can’t read your answer.

Here’s a question: How do I get the wifey to learn to give a good blowjob?

Muchas grassiass-

FB in Tex

Easy, while she is half-assing it on your weenie, watch TV, talk on the phone, read a good book, balance your checkbook, or yawn… she’ll stop and snottily say, “If I’m bothering you, I can stop!” You say, “No, it’s cool honey. I know this is a hassle for you. I appreciate it.” Then pat her head. She might just improve.

HA! She’ll stop giving you head altogether is what will happen. No, what you really do is return the oral favor with GUSTO… make her go nuts. Then temper your… umm… enthusiam to her enthusiam. In other words, do unto her with the same amount of passion that she does unto you…

Basically, what I’m saying is that she looks at the blowjob as a “favor” to you. What you have to do is give her encouragment to go the extra-mile on you… which means you have to offer her a reward!

All us guys know… the cock is nice but it’s the MOUTH that really makes the girl love you. It’s the mouth that makes her bark for you.

This isn’t surefire, by any stretch. See, you’re married, the girl thinks the hard part is over. She already owns your ass, so why bother with the love anymore?

I mean, its not like girls REALLY love our wads… they are disgusting, after all… and probably sweaty, and stinky… and some of us have that brown… filmy stuff over the lower half of our units that all the Lava in the world can’t scrub out. Eww, eww, EWWW. 

Oh man, I’m wiped

Luckily, I’m also done!

Busy week, next week! On Monday I THINK I’ll have a link to a HUGE interview with Rob Feinstein… that’s right, Feinstein SPEAKS! For real. This’ll be huge… 

No, he didn’t speak to ME… just someone I know.

Also… across the boards, box office, move quotes, some celeb gossip, some rasslin gossip, how to score a date with Trish Stratus and Jasmine St Claire, and… err…

On Thursday, Triple H fills in for Vince McMahon… God… unreal. I’m so friggin’ STOKED!

And other stuff… and I’m late… and I have stuff to do… 

This is Hyatte