The Midnight News 09.30.04

hyatte | September 29, 2004 | Archive | 1 Comment

Hey, I’m Chris and this is the Omega MidNews. Think of this as a fine, mid-week SUPPLEMENT to the Monday column… a BOOKEND… the cherry on your sundae… the moneyshot on your face… fags.

In other words, nothing special, nothing winded, just a little capper to your week!

And we’re off…. 


Go to Flea’s site and see what he’s giving away.

ANd I just want to use this space to point out that Widro did one of the nicest things for me anyone has ever done. I just received it, Wids. Thanks man. You just earned yourself a few years of extra service.


Smackdown featured a whole lot of promotion for their Unforgiven PPV… which is going to get hosed out by the intriguing Taboo Tuesday concept.

Now THAT’S an in-depth spoiler report, goddammit!!

And then there was the Foley/JBL debate.. which was destined to either be really boring or really lame…. looks like it was really lame.

From what I gather, they dumbed it down so that the WWE fan base would understand what they were talking about…. cuz we’re idiots.

Anyway… let’s see who got the spoilers up FIRST! WHO RULES THE WEEK??

WEDNESDAY September 29, 2004: 1:03 AM: Oh that piece of shit Scherer hauls his tubby sweaty ass out of bed to slap in the spoilers first, courtesy of some moron named Cameron Leigh. AND THAT BETTER BE A DUDE!!! I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT ANY FEAMLE WOULD HELP DAVE SCHERER!! A GUY WHO BEATS HIS WIFE AND FONDLES HIS OWN DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!

WEDNESDAY September 29, 2004: 1:34 AM: FINALLY… after WEEKS of humiliation… Wade Keller and the Torch FINALLY beats Meltzer to the punch and RUSHES spoilers out only 31 MINUTE AFTER SCHERER! Wade is so thrilled he orgasms inside his boyfriend before pulling out. Oh happy day… LET SEPT 29TH BE THE DAY THE TORCH CAN FINALLY HOLD ITS HEAD HIGH!!! TODAY, WADE KELLER BECOMES… LEGIT!!

WEDNESDAY September 29, 2004: 1:47 AM: Dave Meltzer gets spoilers up for the Observer. 13 minutes later than Keller. I hear it took four policemen and a tearful phone call from Brian Alvarez to make Dave pull the gun out of his mouth

WEDNESDAY September 29, 2004: 2:16 AM: No doubt TERRIFIED of the public mockery that I would give them… the Lords of Pain’s Calvin Martin sneaks past his parent’s bedroom, tip toes to his dad’s study, and steals the spoilers from Scherer… then tip toes back to bed…. whispering under his breath, “Fuckin’ Hyatte can go f*ck himself! No one laughs at the Lords of Pain! No One! 

WEDNESDAY September 29, 2004: 7:10 AM: Scherer sends up a SECOND set of spoilers…. because he thinks people care. He has no clue.

WEDNESDAY September 29, 2004: 9:27 AM: Cris Murphy FINALLY helps Ashish act like 411 is moving along just fine without Widro’s near-obsessive dedication to up-to-the-instant posting by getting spoilers up for 411. Not sure who he stole it from, but he stole them.

WEDNESDAY September 29, 2004: (sometime around mid-day): Okay, so the Inside Pulse was a little late… blow me… we have more important things on our minds! YOU SEE ALL THE COOL STUFF WIDRO HAS BEEN ADDING HERE!?!?! WE ARE RE-INVENTING WHAT A WEBSITE SHOULD BE AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT ARE SPOILERS!!! SCREW YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON, YOU MARKS!!! 

WEDNESDAY September 29, 2004: 1:31 PM: AND AT LEAST WE DIDN’T COME IN LAST!!! That honor goes to Joey Styles and Bob Ryder and…. who completely tanked out and got the spoilers up a full 12 hours after Scherer. I think this site is THISCLOSE to calling it quits… they just don’t seem to CARE anymore!!

So what did we learn?

1) Scherer has the ability to sucker the rubes into helping him.

2) Keller needed this more than OJ needed an alibi.

3) One doubts Meltzer sweats this sort of stuff too much.

4) There is at least 1 Lord of Pain willing to risk his parent’s fury in order to make his site look legit.

5) Widro can’t do 20 things at once…. sue him!

6) Joey Styles has, like, NO stroke anyhere! 

Moses on a half-shell…. I LOVE this feature!



You know, as I get older, I find it harder to stay in somewhat decent shape. And the time is fast approaching where I have to “put up or shut up” with a few folks just DYING to know what I look like. So, of course, with the threat that my pic might end up at Scotsmanailty or some such, and ripe for some goofing on, I have to be very, verrrry careful over what I finally put out there.

So, anyone use Trimspar and does it work?

That was the question I had when I went to the official Trimspa website and gawked at Anna Nicole Smith, who just refuses to die.

So I went to the testimonial section… just to see how airbrushed the before pics were… or if the before people even matched the after people… and at the bottom of the page I saw the following:

I lost 25 pounds in three months on TRIMSPAÃáƒ?Ãá¡ÃƒƒÂ¡ÃƒÆ’¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚® X32 and it also gave me more energy..

From Sunni, whom, we are told, is now 25 lbs more fierce

scroll down and take a look… does she look familar??

That’s right, Sunni is none other than newly crowned WWE Wannabe Diva, CHRISTIE HEMME!! 

And look at the GUT on that girl 25 pounds ago!! 

Not sure WHY she went the Trimspa route… Vince would’ve coughed up the dough for any enhancement/nip/tuck she wanted!

And to be honest… if Trimspa makes people as… damn PERKY as Christie.. I may take a pass.

Nice to see her tits survived Trimspa’s war on her fatty cells without much damage.

Heh… Christie was a jiggly little oinklette! HA!

Oh well, not ever girl can be perfect…. ‘cept for Trish Stratus, naturally.


Nope. He didn’t send anything in. Alls quiet. Not even the Trish Stratus Imposter who I talk to sometimes has been around.

Perhaps the allure of Hyatte has come and gone…. many would agree. Alas. It was fun while it lasted.


Your name is Matt and you get a download from some blonde girl who looks a little like the quiet, yet pretty blonde in your Algebra class… the one sitting a few rows up and over from you.

In it, she makes a plea for your love and attention.

Then she shows her cleavage.

Then she takes off her top.

Then her bra

Then her panties.

All the while, she is making this speech, in a stilted way that suggests she memorized it, but not completely, so she has to keep thining of what she was suppoised to say next.

Then she shows off her large ass.

Then she realizes that her curtain isn’t drawn enough so her neighbors might see her.

Then she decides to go on with the show without breaking from the script to make sure no one can see her.

Then she does a little booty shake and squats a couple of times like a stripper…

But she’s clumsy about it and almost falls on that large ass.

Then she spreads her lips wide (her OTHER lips) and does the old digital insertion.

Then she plays around in there a bit, continuing to make her speech, breathing a little heavy.

Then she stops, pauses, looks off camera as if someone is watching her.

Then she puts her fingers in her mouth.

Then she adjusts the camera

Then she starts molesting her door frame.

Then she starts grinding against it.

Then she licks it.

Then she tells you that all of this can be his if he is nice to her.

Then she says bye.

If YOU were Matt, what would you do?

Why, you would put it on the web.

Thank you Matt. 

You insensitive cocksucker.


In lieu of any ACTUAL news… I present wrestling OPINIONS…. cuz I’m smart and observant.

Lately, I’ve been MAJORLY impressed with four Raw workers. None of them have three H’s in their name nor are they the current women’s champ (although those two CONTINUE to blow me away with the effort they put forth)… so in other words, not the usual suspects.

I’m not kidding, either. No sarcastic jokes here.

1) Christian: Ever since he came back, his game has been tighter than ever. He has fully embraced his “Captain Charisma” character and has actually used his time off this Summer to polish his craft. I used to be bored to tears with Christian, but he is now the top mid-card heel in the company. He keeps this up and he’ll be a realistic main eventer. And it’s not because Shawn Michaels has given him the rub either.

2) Batista: Maybe its because his opponents are told to sell his clotheslines and power extra hard, but he has transcended his role as the stereotypical “muscle head” and really has become the “animal” Jim Ross sells him as. His workrate is climbing. He brings intensity to his matches. If he was born ten years earlier, he would’ve had a huge feud with Hulk Hogan that WOULD have gotten him in a Summerslam main event and MIGHT have even gotten him in a Wrestlemania headliner.

3) Tyson Tomko: Another surprise. He started out as just a slab of tattooed muscle who gave the heel Stratus a handy way to get extra heat on her and support for her babyface opponents, but he isn’t a total lunkhead. His promos aren’t shit, but they aren’t horrible either. His workrate isn’t great but it doesn’t crap up the place. He knows his role and does it the best he can. Which doesn’t say much NOW, but down the road, if he works on improving himself, I see a lot of potential there. He’s got the look, right now you just have to squint to see it, but its there.

4) Gene Snitsky: This better be a joke. This better be a surreal joke that Gerwitz and co are having a blast writing. If this leads to a standard feud with Kane, then I’ll be highly dissappointed. Because if this is a serious attempt to introduce Snitsky as a major heel who killed Kane’s son, it’s gonna bomb. Snitsky’s promos are so hilarious I HAVE to think that they have to do a few takes just because too many people are laughing as he screams out his goofy words in that stilted, monotone voice. Instead of making Snitsky just some standard grunt who is terrified of what will happen when Kane gets his hands on him, they have made him into some idiot who’s actually PROUD of what he did. The very fact that they turned the death of an unborn child into an excuse for a wrestling match is the type of lunacy that kept me watching this show during Russo’s run. If they suddenly make it REAL, I’ll be SO pissed. That’s why I have Snitsky in here, because for the first time in a WHILE, I have absolutely NO clue what they are planning to do with this guy, or his storyline. And I can’t WAIT to see what happens when Kane shows up. In other words, he’s so bad, he’s funny!

Now… who else thinks that they split Christian and Stratus because Christian’s girlfriend was getting pissy about all that smooching?


A personal message to ALL WEBMASTERS from Jonathon Widro:

Keep an eye on all your registered domains because if one of them expires, you’ll be in deep shit like (NAME DELETED) was earlier this week

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who Wids is referring to.



*Ants don’t sleep*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform. 


Keep them coming.

This week, let’s keep things simple, shall we? A bunch of fast ones.

01): They look like to carp going after the same piece of corn.– Jesse Ventura commenting on Uncle Elmer kissing his wife 

02): Rock, I dont want us to end up like all those other great tag teams that split up. Look at the Funks. Look at the Briscoe brothers, they’re reduced to running a car repair shop in Tampa. I don’t want to end up like the Bodydonnas. I don’t wanna end up like…like Skip & Zip – I know you don’t wanna end up like Zip, and I sure as hell don’t wanna end up like Skip!– Mick Foley: Raw ’99

03): Hi, I’m Sting. Remember me? I’m the guy with no heart! I’m the guy who’s no longer hungry! I’m the guy who’s finished! Who’s done! Why should I want to give the fans their money’s worth when I can be in a movie with Daisy Fuentes? Buy the Stinger MasterCard now!– Jeff Jarrent as Sting: Nitro 2000

04): Are you mad at me or are you mad at D-Von for f*cking your mom last night. Because everyone in Georgia knows your mom is nothing but a five dollar an hour cock sucking whore. And hey I see another five dollar cock sucking whore over there in the black shirt. Hey boy, is that your girlfriend. If you had a hair on your ass you would defend that cum guzzling skank’s honor. But at least she aint as bad as that over there. I think thats a woman. Seriously though, if you lost a little wait, you’d still be a fat f*cking cow!– Bubba Ray Dudley: ECW ’99

05): Stand up kid. Oh, you are standing. I’m sorry.– Kurt Angle to Brian Kendrick

06): My answer comes to Dustin Rhodes with a couple of conditions. If you want me to be your partner Dustin Rhodes, it’s not gonna be the Arn Anderson you see standing here today. It’s gonna be the Arn Anderson that these people have been demanded for the last year. THE OLD ARN ANDERSON! The one that’s not politcally correct. The one that will smack his granny in th mouth for fifty cents. The one that will start a fight in the parking lot and bring it in the building. If I take this match, on these conditions, we may get hurt real bad, but I expect that. We get fined a lot of money. We may get hurt permanent! But if I take this match Dustin Rhodes, under these conditions, understand one thing, we’re taking the hurtin’ and putting it on them. My answer is Yeah! I’ll be your partner.– Arn Anderson

07): Boys with a ‘z’, is that supposed to scare us? I guess I should take the `S’ out of Christian and call myself ‘Chriztian.’– Christian

08): Where is the stage? I must entertain! – Chris Jericho

09): I’d rather join DUBYA-SEE-DUBYA…than join DX!!! -Vince McMahon

10): Oh, here he comes now, the Mae West of pro wrestling.– Roddy Piper on Ric Flair: WWF TV ’92 

11): I told Stu Hart, ‘You must be very proud of your boys.’ He just looked at me and said, ‘I have boys?’– Bobby Heenan

12): I’m wired tighter than a Gibson guitar on a Friday night!– Troy “Dream Machine” Graham

Troy “Dream Machine” Graham… hmmph, never heard of him, thus, he doesn’t matter.

What DOES matter is that I’m out of here… almost… got us some Advice for those who would like to read wise words from one who knows. The rest of you can cheerfully go dry hump your daddy’s buttcrack.


It took a while, but now I have a pretty good backlog of questions to be addressed. Keep sending them in.

This week… oh, its four GOOD ones. Starting off with a rather intense letter from none other than a FEMALE…. I always love the ones from the girls. It helps me be able to maintain that I am the most popular IWC guy with the ladies of all time. I’m the one the girls want to have sex with… not Dave Scherer. Not Scott Keith. Not the Rick. Not Joshua Grutman.

The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold.

Hi, Chris. I’m writing this, because you seem to have a unique perspective on relationships. I haven’t seen another guy who admits to accepting he’ll be alone forever, and is able to give advice like you do.

About me: I’m Leena. I just turned 21. I work as a tennis instructor in a tennis & fitness club. I deal with lots of guys. However, I am 6’2 tall, 165 lbs. I
realize that I either 1) Intimidate guys with my height, so they back off… or 2) They stalk me. You can judge how I look in the pics I attached, if you want. 

Anyway, here are problems I ask for help with:

Part 1: A quick backstory: At about 16, my body finally grew into my height, and I wasn’t all knees and elbows. Boys liked, and I was a huge nympho for a year. I hooked up with at least 20-25 guys, and was screwing around every day. This stopped when I turned 17. I had a bad foot injury, and later found out I had Hodgkin’s disease. I then realized that all the people I thought loved me back then, stopped caring when I wasn’t a pretty slut.

Fast forward to about 19 1/2 years old. I’m fully recovered and back to how I normally look. I meet “Jordan” at tennis work. He was good looking, and I thought this was a good chance to get back to my old sexual ways.

We were together for about 3 months, but it was a weak relationship because our jobs caused us to rarely see each other. 

Finally, when we’re both available for a night, he wanted to go to some fancy dinner, and I told him to stop wasting time, get to my house and let’s f*ck… but when we’re just about to get to it, I completely back out, and ask him to leave. That’s where the backstory comes into play, as Jordan was the first guy I was with since my illness, and I was terrified of being used. I know what I did was very wrong… I led him on, and then f*cked him over like that. 

I call Jordan the next day to apologize, and he went insane. He came to my house, and attacked me. He started choking me… but thankfully, I’m bigger than him. Ended up in me kicking him in the face… breaking his nose and cracking a few teeth, and he ran away like the little bitch he is. I didn’t hear from him for months, and figured that was the end. Wrong.

6 months later, Jordan starts harassing me at work occasionally, and creates 143324234 names on MSN/AIM, just to bother me. This isn’t just normal harassing
with insults… he says f*cked up shit like he wants to kill me.

Now, what do I do to make Jordan go away?

I don’t want to press charges, because he can bust me in return, for injuring him. I doubt I’d go to jail or anything like that… but, I can seriously see myself losing the dream job I currently have for attacking a previous customer. I have co-workers that say they’ll “teach him a lesson” for harassing me… but, I say no to that, because I don’t want to get in more trouble.

Any legal tips… or just some cunning plan to get him to go away… or some evil scheme that gets this loser to finally kill himself.

Also, soon after I kicked Jordan’s fag ass… my stupid notion of being worried that everyone was using me, passed. 

Part 2: A bit after I was going out with Jordan, I became friends with “Todd”. He was an acquaintance I knew from tennis in high school, but he’s 3 years older than me, and we never really talked until now. 

He asked me out for a date once early on, but as I just starting with Jordan, I declined. Todd gave the bullshit, “Leena’s out of my league” spiel… but, I was very interested in him. However, I didn’t want to lead him on while I was with someone else. So, we just talked, and we’ve became very close, usually talking a couple hours a day, be it in real life or online. He’s as open as can possibly be, and I whine to him about my relationships and cute guys and such. Basically, Todd was mired deep in the “friend zone”. And I’m sure he realized it, as he’s never once hinted about hooking up with me again.

However, in the last month or so… I’ve fallen really hard for Todd. I masturbate multiple times a day thinking about him. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever known, but this only friendship shit needs to end because it’s not my thing. He needs to put the cock in every available hole before I scream. I know I’m crazy, so you don’t need to tell me.

For a while, Todd has been saying that he’s content with living the rest of his life alone. He says he only wants a life-long relationship with a girl… but, feels he’s wasted enough time trying to meet people, and he’s too busy and unmotivated to keep trying. 

I don’t know how to interpret this… because, Todd is not a lazy slug, and/or really ugly like a Scott Keith… the normal losers who think like that. Todd hasn’t had a lot of luck with girls, but he does very well for himself financially, and has lots of friends that he hangs out with. Then, I read someone like you who is very learned with relationships, but has decided the life alone has ensued. So, now I think there’s more validity to this.

So… how do I approach Todd for this relationship I want? Is it to the point where I shouldn’t bother? I have tried flirting with him, and even half-jokingly
asked if he wanted to bang me… and he seemed the get a little upset when I did.

I’m sorry that this is so long… but, please don’t totally ignore me. 



Okay, first of all I damn near came in my pants reading this. 

Second of all…. as soon as the pants come off, I’m gonna make a mess all over my computer screen. Peter North style…. we’re talking projectile, baby.

Third of all, you are adorable. Really, REALLY good looking.

Let’s see… you’re first issue is Jordan. You didn’t attack him, he attacked you and you defended yourself. Save the logs and press charges if he continues to bug you. But give it a little while longer. Ignore him enough and he’ll go away. Go Buddy Only on your various screen names and eventually, he’ll get sick of waiting for you to log on so he can promise to kill you. 

Oh, and you didn’t back off because you were freaked over being used, you backed off because something in you, some instinct, told you he was bad news.

Your second issue, this Todd dude. Hmmm…. ask him out, maybe? Stop flirting and go with the straight talk? Get him alone one day and attack him? I think Todd’s intimidated by you. You’re this amazon. Few “normal” guys have the confidence to think they can handle you.

Or maybe, you’re just not his type? It happens.

I’d say attack him. Rape him. Make his year. Give him a story to tell his grandchildren. But if he turns you down, don’t be obsessive and get angry, or you’ll be no better than Jordan.

And no more nymphosex. Guys won’t love you because you let them cornhole you every which way. They’ll just keep cornholing you every which way. You’re 21. Party for a while longer if you want, but hook up with someone who can throw you around a bit…. someone more your size…. a football player, maybe… or the King of the Internet.

Back to Todd… find out WHY he wants to be alone. I know why I want (have) to, and the reason isn’t pretty. What’s his story? Daddy leave him? Mommy was domineering? Gay? What trauma does he have sitting in his closet? Show some interest. Stroke his ego. Then attack him. 

How do you recover from Hodgkins Disease? 

Hey Hyatte, I got a nice low-pressure one for ya. There are these two sisters I’m friends with, from the church I go to. The older one I met through a friend a while back, and more recently I met the younger one. I’m really into the younger one and I’ve been talking with her and hanging out with her a lot. But the older one is really hot and I could picture myself going for her somewhere down the line. This isn’t gonna be one of those “which one do I pick” questions… rather, I want to know if it is possible to pick BOTH.

Not both at the same time, or anything like that (hey, CHURCH girls). I’m just wondering if going after the younger one now would kinda disqualify me from going after any other family members. It seems likely that if I went after one of them and it didn’t work out, it would just piss everyone off if I went for the other. So I’m paranoid about it. But what do you think? Basically I just want to know if I can have my cake and eat it too. Thanks.

(withhold name/e-mail)

Ohh, I think you know the answer to this one.

Of COURSE there’s no chance, stupid. Pick one and be grateful.

Hyatte, I’m 21. I’ve been told by female friends that I’m a good-looking guy, for what it’s worth. For reasons I’ll go into in a second, I’ve never had a serious girlfriend. I started a new job a couple of months ago. Since then, I’ve started having strong feelings for a girl I work with. I’ve always tried to avoid having feelings like this for co-workers, and it’s never actually happened before. I’ve had a few crushes on girls, sure…and once or twice, had feelings for a girl. The thing is, it’s hard for me to have feelings for anyone. There have been quite a few times in the past few years where a girl made overtures at me and I wasn’t interested at all, so I didn’t respond. Maybe I’m not a normal guy in that respect, I don’t know. This has led to me never having a serious girlfriend, because I just never meet any girls that interest me. So the extremely rare times that it happens, I take notice.

This girl I work with, though…making things worse than the fact that I work with her is the fact that she’s moving in a few months. The thing is, I’m also moving, a few months after she is, and I won’t be too far from where she is regardless. We’ve both been planning this for some time. So it’s not like we’d never be able to see each other again. I don’t know if she realizes this, though. I think she wants to keep people here at arm’s length, and I’m one of them. I probably would feel the same way if I were her. However, this girl is incredible. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and maybe most importantly, she has high standards for everything. At first, I treated her like everyone else at work…one day, though, about a month after I met her, I saw her talking to someone at a fair, and something clicked for me. She looked so beautiful standing there…something just clicked. Since then, I’ve seen her in a different light. Tried to find out more about her. Over time, I think I’ve fallen in love, Hyatte. It’s probably a first for me and my cold, black heart. I started talking to her a lot…mainly outside of work…I’d call her a lot, and ask her to go to things with me. She’d usually say yes. She never gave me any real indications that she was interested in a relationship, but I gave her plenty of indications (probably a mistake, eh)

Well, for a couple of weeks, we spent a good amount of time together. Then, she started distancing herself. I think…no, I’m sure… I was coming on too strong. We haven’t really spent any time together in weeks since it started happening. Yesterday I talked to her on the phone and she basically told me I call her all the time, and it weirds her out. Even though I hadn’t called her in about a week, I called her a couple of times yesterday and that was somehow “all the time”. And she said that it takes her a long time to make friends. She was nice about it, but she’s nice about everything. I didn’t like the way she exxagerated about the calling. I think she was probably trying to tell me that she doesn’t feel anything for me at all, and to keep our talking inside work. I’m trying not to let it get to me…but I’m serious when I say that this girl is everything I could ever want…and at this point, I feel like she doesn’t know me well at all. If she did, things would probably be different. But she definitely doesn’t know me very well. I thought she did. I felt like we could have had something, but at this point…if that’s not possible I don’t want to lose her as a friend…if she even thinks of me as that much. She really is incredible. I don’t want to risk losing her by just coming out and telling her how I feel about her. At this point I feel like I’d be hard-pressed just to keep her as a friend, though. I need to sit down with her soon and talk the situation over…but what should I say? Should I just come out and tell her how I feel about her, and risk feeling like a tool and/or losing her completely?

Hope that didn’t get too long-winded…thanks Hyatte.


I know how you feel. You want to grab her and spend hours, days if need be, convincing her that she isn’t the only thing you think about day and night, night and day from the moment you wake up to the moment you lie down. You want to prove to her that you aren’t obsessing over her, even though you are and it’s frustrating that she isn’t reciprocating.

Got bad news, bro’…. it’s WAAAAAAY too late to fix things. You can’t make things go back to that brief period where you and her were tight friends.

She knows you like her, or at least senses it. She doesn’t like you like that but is too passive to come right out and admit it. After all, who wants to break someone’s heart like that? 

We all know about the friend zone, and if a girl puts you there you’re done for. But no one talks about the “Weird Zone”, where a girl pegs you as too weird to be of any use to her… or even worse, scares her a little. This is where I think you are at. You’re in her weird zone. She thinks you’re a weirdo.


In short, as Flea would say, you just shit in your oatmeal.

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Nope. It’s done, amigo. The hand has been played. Unless you become extemely rich and/or famous, you’ll never win her over. Because it’s almost impossible for the girl to fall for ther weirdo. Statistically, it NEVER happens.

You have no shot at her.

You have no shot at her.


It’s over, finito. The credits have rolled. Time to go home and wait ’till another movie comes along that you want to watch.

Sorry, but dem’s the cold, hard facts. It’s a dead issue. Not even a spark or a glimmer of hope. Dead, dead, dead.

Learn from your mistakes and do better with the next one. Forget she exists.

Hi Chris, I got into college about two months ago this year. The crowd in my class is generally bad and I am like the preppy boy of the class. Most of them are from suburban areas from various parts of the country while I am from the city itself, in the sense that I am a city fella. Anywho I did pretty well in class and in the presentations we were handed and pretty much impressed everyone. There was this girl who has lived for most of her life in another country and has more of a progressive outlook towards things than the others. She was pretty impressed too and she related to me at a level that she couldn’t relate to most of the other home grown boys. There was this major presentation that was to happen and the four best speakers from the class were chosen. She and I were in that four and we kind of hit it off well during the time we spent together for preparation. Problem was she wasn’t able to come up with the material for her part ! as did the other three and I was basically expected to carry the presentation on my back. I prepared and gave her a proper script and all she had to do was just go there and read it out. At the last moment she decided that she could do it without the paper in her hand. But when she actually started to speak she froze, as it was my thoughts and my words and they just did not flow from her mouth. The presentation was a fiasco and needless to say I was kinda pissed. Inspite of all this I still kinda liked her quite a bit. And she was impressed with me all the while. 

Now the thing with me is that I have never had a steady girlfriend mainly because I don’t drink or smoke or party. So the chances for me meeting girls much less nailing them are very minimalist. Plus the three or four girls I have liked, I never approached because I have a problem with rejection. And to top it off I am not a studely lookin guy. I am pretty thin, have long hair and am average looking at best. Imagine David Spade only 5-6 inches taller. In the college that I am in right now I have this image of being..ummn how shall I say this..the real life version of the on-line Chris Hyatte. I dump shit all over other people, have a wicked sense of humor and I am sarcastic all the time. This girl kind of digs the gimmick. I make fun of other people all the time (including her) and she makes fun of me. 

Another smart-ass thing that I do is I forward to almost everyone in our class with a mobile phone, something called as a ‘Random Fact’ every once in a week. This is nothing but ‘A Fun Fact that will make you look Smarter’ from the Midnight news only renamed and your name substituted by mine. Most of the people don’t get it and no one ever responds to this except her. She responds every time and then we chat for a while. I also think that she kind of likes me because all of a sudden there are these things that she wants to say, which she knows only I will understand and comes up to me. She also wants me to call her by a specific nickname while the whole class calls her something else. Plus she and I like the same kind of movies and books.

Now the problem is she is also very friendly with this other guy from our class. He is as indigenous as it gets. I don’t know how she can relate to him in the first place as he is a ‘son of the soil’ type and she and I are the kinds who live in India but think the American way. (You know hate Bollywood-like Hollywood, hate rotis-like Burgers and Pizzas. Pizza is actually Italian but you get the drift). Some people say that they are going around while some say that they are still getting towards that stage. Now given a utopian world I am sure she would want a guy with his looks and my brains. But as we don’t live in an idealistic world, I think she might chose or has already chosen his looks and caring attitude over my wit, humor, delightful sarcasm and impish nature. I can never be one of those boyfriends who fakes concern and care and calls up his love seven times a day and kisses the phone every time before hanging up. I find it really fake and I can’t d! o things that are fake. 

So now my question is, what do I do? I have a pretty decent friendship going with her. Do I risk it for love or do I keep it the way it is, living for the next two years not knowing what could have been. And if I do approach her, how should I coz I have never actually done it before. 



You think yourself the real life Hyatte, eh?

Well, I’ll tell you. Every so often, people ask me how real is “Hyatte”. My stock answer is that I think there is a little “Hyatte” in all of us.


Now, a few people read this and started to laugh… cuz a very select few know how much “Hyatte” I am when the monitor is off… and I like to think it’s on a time share. Sometimes Hyatte walks loud and proud and sometimes the loser Gaudreau skulks about like the waste of oxygen that he is.

My problem is, “Gaudreau” has been dominating this life for a lot longer than Hyatte, and he is putting up a MAJOR fight.

YOUR problem is that you aren’t aggressive enough. CONFIDENCE, son. Grab that girl and say, “Let’s go get drunk.” If she says no, then shrug and say, “Turning down free booze? Hookay, I’ll be getting hammered at (wherever you go to drink) if you change your mind.”

Then start telling her about how her life will be better once you two get married. Plant some seeds and make her think in terms closer to what you want. Not that you want to get married to her, but you need to pound some extreme scenarios into these girls. But be cool about it… laid back… if you’re TOO intense you’ll be just like the guy in the letter right above you. Deep in the “weird zone” and every time you try to dig yourself out, you just get deeper in.

CONFIDENCE, SON. Look her in the eye. Smile. Walk like nothing in the world matters other than whatever is on your mind. FOCUS. Babes are drawn to that like moths to flames. It’s scary.

It also helps if you’re good looking… which is why “Gaudreau” is so damn powerful…. the rat f*ck. I hate him.


That’ll do it for me. I need a drink. Shit, I need 20. And some major plastic surgery.

I’ll have a column or two for next week. Show up.

This is Hyatte