The Midnight News 11.15.04

hyatte | November 15, 2004 | Archive | 0 Comments

Hey, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. No letters this week, I’m running late. So let’s get into the stuff, of which I have a LOT of… no, I swear…. packed with info here…. 


Oh why not… not like I got a ton of REAL news to gab on about…


Raw: Gene Snitsky – He was all over the show last week, he was THIS CLOSE to playing the “Nash” role in the SS main, he’s got pimples on his back, he’s booked as a loose cannon, his head is the size of a pumpkin, and he can’t wrestle… but by GOD, the sumbitch is OVER… people HATE him, but not in the “Oh-get-off-my-SCREEN-and-out-of-my-LIFE kind of way. People want to pay to see him get his ASS kicked. All that money and effort the company is pouring into Randy Orton, and Gene Snitsky is the one who is the most over new-comer in the company. Hell, even I can’t wait to see Kane come back and get some payback! 

Smackdown: Dawn Marie – Torrie Wilson is the star Diva on Smackdown… yet it’s Dawn Marie who owns the screen whenever she comes on. All eyes are ALWAYS on her… not bad for a girl who is dangerously close to having a “Butterface”

Give the girl props, she LICKED that Daniel Puder kid… that’s hot.

TNA: Kevin Nash – Ya know, first off, lemme tell you something… even though all reports say he won’t be there long, just the idea of having Kevin Nash on TNA eating airtime with inside-heavy joke promos, powerbombing everyone with no fear of having to sell for them anytime in the future, and blatantly abusing his role as the “star” of this company by pissing on every smart-ass worker who just wants to get over through great wrestling is enough to get me thinking about watching this show. I HAVE to wonder if Bob Ryder, Jeff Jarrett, and Dixie Carter REALLY think they can control this guy. Bringing Nash into TNA is akin to letting a wolf into the henhouse. This is a multi-car pile-up just WEEKS away from happening, and we have ringside seats to watch the wreckage. Bad for just about every worker in this hick company – good for Internet fans who LOVE this sort of nonsense! God bless Nash, where’s the DOG when you need him the most? 

ROH: Samoa Joe – for calling himself “Samoa Joe” without a shred of shame or embarrassment.

There are yer your performers of the week! 


It wasn’t that bad, actually!!

-There was the Cruiserweight Four way, which Kidman SHOULD have won because his is the big push going in… but Spike retained because Spike gives good head. Yes he does. 

-There was the Snitsky/Heidenreich face-off… LOTS of panting… followed with “I like your poems” and “I like what you do to babies“, followed by more panting. Two imbeciles. Hilarious… so of course the IWC has to bitch and moan about it, you are all douchebags. its a JOKE, assholes… a giant moment of comedy relief. DEAL!! 

-Then we had Sheldon Benjamin reatining his title against Christian. Benjamin is awesome, but god DAMN if Christian isn’t one of the most improved workers in the last year, and that’s with a back injury keeping him out for a few months. Good, GOOD match.

-Kurt Angle ran into Edge and then Eugene. It’s the obvious move to have brand characters mingling on camera, and it’s nice to see people meet each other for the first time. Plus they hinted at an eventual Angle/HBK dream match. The way these two guys are going, ASNY match they have would end up a “Last Man Standing” match.

-For the first SS “Classic Elimination” match, John Cena came out with a MARINE haircut and a pissed off attitude… and Carlito Cool ran away like a fraidy cat BITCH with a major shoulder injury. The only problem with the match was that I was hoping for an extended third act where Kurt Angle fought three guys for a while before taking the loss… but they wrapped him up quickly.

-Maven has had 3 years to improve… so why does he cut promos and work like he’s been in the business 3 days? Because he SUCKS???? 

-The Undertaker gets his typical allotted time as reward for years of loyal service (Bischoff didn’t think WCW could market Mark Calloway since he was so closely identified as the Undertaker… yes, Taker did take a meeting with Bischoff in the 90’s… don’t tell Vince.)

-Trish’s nose… that poor, poor, well-surgically worked over nose. HOW MANY OTHER OUTRAGEOUSLY GORGEOUS FEMALES WOULD ALLOW THEIR VALUABLE FACE TO BE TRAUMATIZED LIKE THAT??? This is why I love the woman. 

Enjoy her while she lasts, kids… cuz after Raw tonight, she’s off for a few weeks to see if she has neck problems. Poor thing. 

-Booker T lost his title shot to JBL in a well-booked match that featured lots of outside interference and JBL wiping out on the SD announce table before making any move. Say what you want about JBL, he’s being built as a classic old school Heel champion… probably so Triple H can be the dominant heel champion without listening to people groan…. which they do anyway, because no one can see the truth… or something.

-Benoit was eliminated first, early, and without breaking a sweat! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA That’s a giant f*ck-you to… well, YOU.

-Batista is ALSO improving, but why does jericho ALWAYS have to be the one who gets knocked out by a batista Clothesline?

-Snitsky is odd looking. This bears repeating.

-Maven charged in and saved the day… for about 30 seconds… and blew about as many spots as a gassed out Scott Steiner after 10 minutes in the ring… and you have to love the giant “flesh colored” bandage he was wearing on his head… flesh colored… heh…. 

-Orton ended up upsetting Edge and HHH and winning the thing… because dammit, we NEED a Raw with Chris Benoit as General Manager… and by God, MAVEN can steer the show into ratings glory!!

I actually had a more ambitious sort of review planned here… but time got away from me. Sorry. Let’s move on.


Wanna hear one of the most EVIL ribs that’s going around in the WWE these days?

-Well, a veteran cheerfully offers to room with a rookie… but only if the rookie is a non-smoker.

-Then, the veteran gets the rookie drunk, or at least waits until the rookie is asleep… 

-Then the veteran carefully puts a Nicotine Patch on the rookie.

-Then the veteran gets up an hour before the rookie’s alarm goes off and gently takes off the patch.

-This process continues diligently for a few weeks. The rookie’s body becomes hooked on a steady flow of nicotine.

-Then the veteran stops applying the patch.

-Then everyone laughs as the rookie becomes moody and on edge… without having a single idea why.

-THEN… and this is wild… the rookie is offered a cigarette from someone in the locker room… and the rookie finds that he/she wants it!! The body, having never known what a cigarette tastes like and the mind, not having any conscious idea about the soothing addiction of nicotine in its system, is now drawn to the cigarrette and it’s nicotine.

-Suddenly, the rookie has become a smoker… after YEARS of avoiding peer pressure and taking pride in his/her body is now hooked on cigarettes! And in 20 years, will get a nice case of lung and/or throat cancer… followed by death!!

Shitting in gym bags? Giving pearl necklaces as they sleep? Bullshit…. the coolest, funniest rib these days involves more thought… and more MALICIOUSNESS!!!!

Now THAT’S a RIB, goddammit!!

Meltzer didn’t report this either, f*ckheads! This is a Hyatte Exclusive! 


Top five movies of the week, daddio!!

1) The Incredibles: $51 million ($144 million total). Who, just who on this God’s GREEN earth, would think that at ANY POINT IN HISTORY, a movie starring Craig T Nelson would take out a movie starring Tom Hanks? Who? WHOOOOOO???? 

Forest Gump is Coach’s BITCH!! Wonders: they just refuse to CEASE! 

2) The Polar Express: $23.5 million ($30.8 million total). Tom??? TOM??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? YOU LET CRAIG NELSON PUNK YOU OUT???? OOOOOh, methinks Mr. Hanks’ Agent is in for one FUCK of a reaming!!!

3) After the Sunset: $11.5 million opening weekend. I like Woody Harleson, he aklways had a real nice laid-back style to him. It’s nice to see him back on screen.

Salma Hayak is starting to dry out… and it’s high time she get with the nudity.

Pierce Brosnon… how many times is he gonna play the exact same character (suave, confident, brilliant British guy up to no-good). If he isn’t Bond, he’s some sort of high-minded, high-tech thief. 

4) Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason: $8.8 million opening weekend. I don’t care about Hugh Grant. I don’t care about how Rene Zellwigger porked up for this role. All I know is that Rene Zellwigger A: Is the MASTER at taking pictures with a MAJOR “Fuck me hard” pout on her face and B: Conducts her live TV Show interviews without ever looking at the interviewer in the eyes, and always mumbling, and always seems to be sniffing. This tells me that her big diet for getting back to being skinny involves lots and lots of water… and a f*cking mountain of cocaine! God Bless ‘er!

5) Seed of Chucky: $8.7 million opening weekend. Do you realize that the last time we saw Chucky he was on Nitro outwitting Rick Steiner? Do you realize that no one was surprised that Steiner was outwitted by a puppet? 

In gossip ‘n’ bullshit news: In case you weren’t all that ambitious to google search, take a look at the whole Tara Reid nipple slip fiasco that SHOCKED, I say SHOCKED the word… girl needed some press.

Anyway, that is one SCARY nipple. I don’t say this too often but… I wouldn’t go near her with YOUR cock.

Ol’ Dirty Bastard died… not QUITE as stunning as the death of Cobain, Lennon, or Elvis. Guy was a moron… but I DID see that MTV bit where he took a limo to collect his food stamps… that was funny. I ALSO saw the MTV Video music awards performace where someone had to yank him away before the pyro’s went off right under his balls. ODB is dead… but he left PLENTY of dead-ass ugly children to carry on his name.

And if he ain’t in Hell, none of us have anything to worry about.

Speaking of Hell…


Here’s a piece of Indy Gossip you might enjoy…

You know Gabe? Gabe Sapolsky? He runs the “Ring of Honor” upstart company.

He USED to run the company with (accused) pedofile Rob Feinstein… then Rob got caught trying to dip his cookie in the WRONG sort of milk and had to leave.

Well, not really, Rob and Gabe TRIED to keep working together on the DL… but TNA raised hell about Feinstein’s continued secret involvement and he had to leave. Bad blood began to bubble.

well, now neither guy likes each other, and Feinstein is hurt and ENRAGED at how gabe “abandoned” him at his moment of crisis.

So now there’s a rumored videotape “floating” about that involves Gabe’s wife in various acts of sexual congress with a pretty well known wrestling personality. 


Moral of the story: They don’t call gay guys “vindictive bitches” for nothing…

Oh, you wanna know WHO shagged Gabe’s wife and caught it on tape? Heh… you wanna know WHO?

That’s the sad thing… it’s NO ONE cool… nope… it’s Joel Gertner.

The same Joel Gertner who was last seen to be living out of his car in nashville and BEGGING TNA for a paying gig… of which he was turned down… cuz even TNA has STANDARDS!

Good lord, either gertner has a wonderpenis OR Mrs. Sapolsky was really, REALLY horny.

All rumors and hearsay, by the way… I haven’t seen the tape and can’t confirm if anything like it even exists… as far as I know, the Sapolsky’s are a happy couple with an active, invigorative sex life!! 

Joel Gertner? EWWWWWW…. I wouldn’t f*ck him with YOUR cock!


I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Geekface, who has never done anything for anyone”¦ and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because”¦ 

UNLIKE you, who would no doubt wet yourself if Snitsky ever glanced in your direction, Hunter’s gonna show that damn swollen-head bully what an ass whuppin is ALL about!!!



The following conversation took place this past Saturday:

Keep in mind, as I’m talking to him, I’m online talking to… I forget who, I think it was PK… or someone from this site asking me why I’m not a team player…

ALSO keep in mind, Flea is 34 years old.


Me: So that’s how I invented rap music…

Flea: I can hear you typing, it’s annoying.

Me: Hang on, lemme get rid of this guy…

Flea: It’s giving me a headache…

Me: Isn’t there some dog tranquilizers you can take?

Flea: The wit. Stop f*cking typing, you asshole! 

Me: One second…

Flea: Ahh, f*ck this.

(He hangs up)

(I dial his phone) 

Flea: Yo?

Me: How old are you again? 

Flea: Old enough to not deal with typing cocksuckers

Me: The f*ck, you asshole… what kid of fag hang up on someone whe…

(He hangs up again)

(I re-dial) 

Flea: Hello?


(He hangs up again)

HA… he can be such a child, sometimes. 

Heh… typing cocksuckers….


Now… NOW I have plenty of these. But keep sending them anyway, because you may have some obscure movie quote that no one ever considered… you can send it to me and I’ll get it up here in a few months… then you’ll see YOUR movie quote and feel like the coolest kid at the mall! Wouldn’t that ROCK??? 

Among the selections for this week, we kick off with one of my all time FAVORITE, BAD-ASS sequences ever… and we end with a line from what may be the single WORST movie ever having the audacity to show itself in theaters… have a ball! 

01): Now Dick… Mr. President… aren’t you forgetting who put you where you are?

The american people put me where I am, Jack

Really? Well that can be changed.

In a heartbeat.

Jack, I’ve learned politics is the art of compromise. I learned it the hard way. I don’t know if you have, but let me tell you this, Jack. If you don’t like it there’s an election in November and you can take your money out in the open and give it to Wallace. How about it Jack? You willing to do that? Hand this country over to some pansy poet socialist like George McGovern? Because if you’re not happy with the EPA up your ass, try the IRS.

God damn it Dick, you’re not threatening me, are you?

Presidents don’t threaten, Jack. They don’t have to.Nixon 

02): You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he’s been club champion for three years running and I’m no slouch myself. 

Don’t sell yourself short Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch.Caddyshack

03): Have you ever transcended space and time? 

Uh, Time not space… No I don’t know what you’re talking about.I Heart Huckabees

04): Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

05): So how long are we talking about working? 

What are you already losing your steam? 

No, I just… I have a chat room meeting at 4. I gotta be back here by then. 

Alright, you just start a little earlier, that’s all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room? 

Jeez, sometimes up to 3-4 hours maybe… Maybe not. 

You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you’re on, like for minutes on the phone? 

Yeah, grandma’s still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I’m on there so long. 

I bet she does. I’ll tell you something, I’d be throwing you out the window.Napoleon Dynamite

06): Well, that was bloody Shakespearian. Do you know who Shakespeare is? He wrote the King James bible.Gangs of New York

07): So I’m doin’ this job on 60th and 3rd. Big, friggin’ ballbreaker of a job, right?. And we got the area roped off, you know, so some shmuck don’t come and take a wrecking ball between the eyes. All of a sudden this woman, with the big dark glasses, the Bloomigdale bags, she starts walkin’ right through the ropes. I yell down at her, “Hey! You can’t go there you stupid bitch!” Suddenly this steam fittin’ bursts, and this enormous two thousand pound goddam crane crashes right down on her legs! And she’s screamin’ “My legs! My legs!” and I say, “No shit, your legs; you got a two thousand pound goddam crane on ’em” Now, do you know how in an emergency you can get like superhuman strength? I reach down and I lift this crane, and the nestels were able to slide her out from under, and the doctors were able to save her legs. So the moral of the story is: Don’t walk where you’re not supposed to walk ’cause there might not be someone with superhuman strength to save your little ass. And don’t do drugs. That’s it.City Slickers

08): Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.Patton

09): Have you lost your mind? 

According to my last psych evaluation… yes.Con Air

10): . . . you told me you loved me, which I was stupid enough to believe.

Claire, I do love you 

Oh, and nothing says that better than sucking your professor’s dick.Six Feet Under 

11): Doctor, you mentioned the ratio of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn’t that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned? 

Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature. 

I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.Dr. Strangelove
12): What’s your name? 

What’s my name? Right now my name is Pretty Fucking Confused; what’s yours?Saw

13): You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?Caddyshack

14): There’s glass between us. You can’t deal with my infinite nature can you? 

That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?I Heart Huckabees

15): As long as we play by these bullshit rules and the killer doesn’t, we’re gonna lose!Cobra 

Cobra… starring Sylvester Stallone (or, as my mom used to call him, “Rocky Stallone“)… maybe the dumbest piece of vanity shit ever…

I’ve mentioned this before, years ago, but it bears repeating… in the movie, Stallone went home after a hard day’s work of shooting people and being cool…. took a lone slice of pizza out of the box, took a pair of scissors… CUT THE SLICE OF PIZZA IN HALF AND ATE THE BOTTOM HALF!! THAT WAS HIS FRIGGIN’ DINNER!!! 

Was this in the script? Did thew douchebag who wrote this movie think? Was this a crucial part in developing Cobra’s character? Was Cobra the type of guy who LIVED on pizza, one tiny portion of a slice at a time? Was Sly thinking that only COOL people eat full slices of pizza and only THE COOLEST PEOPLE cut their slices with SCISSORS???

Stupid, stupid, stupid… STUPID!!!

Speaking of which… let Uncle Hyatte show you how to be cool by running the Advice section here in Alpha because it’s been so long since I did Omega, hence it’s been so long since I showed off my brilliance by dispensing the knowledge… in other words:


I have a nice little backlog here, a LOT of people are suffering… lordy loo… but we start off with two types of questions I don’t get too much of, one of a literary note and one concerning black penises!… so we’ll tap those THEN jump to two “Is she the ONE? What do I DO?” standards

The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold.

Hey you’re book column thing reminded me of something, and you do the advice column to so…whatever. There’s only like 7 causes of conflict in novels or something, do you know what they are?



Aha! A question that requires my immense, blazingly honed INTELLIGENCE!! A PERFECT opportunity to remind you feebs that my brilliance is an OCEAN… an OCEAN of cerebral information!!

7 causes of conflict, by nature, by LAW, any story must make use of at least one of these themes. They are as followed:

1- Man vs Man: One must be a hero (protagonist) and one must be villian (antagonist). If you are reading this column, then you follow a business that’s very foundations, no matter how spruced, adheres to this conflict

2- Man vs Machine: Self-explanatory, I think. Could be the Terminator. Could be a car with a mind of it’s own. Or could be a computer that has achieved unHoly CONSCIOUSNESS!!! Or it could be the sheer danger of becoming obsolete. 

3- Man vs Nature: Damn you SNOWWWWWW

4- Man vs Society: Just read 1984, you inbred

5- Man vs Beast: Then rent Jaws, you shmo

6-Man vs Himself: Inner conflict. I get a lot of letters from men (well… boys) who are battling themselves for the very prize of self-esteem… a battle that I fear precious few of you win… alas.

7- Man vs the Unknown: Which pretty much opens the door to cover everything else.

So, as you can see… each cause is vague enough to leave a LOT of room for manuevering!

Also, to any wannabe writers out there… remember this small philosophy that I invented… thus it is invaluable: There are no more original stories out there, so it’s up to YOU to be an original writer!
Hey Hyatte,

I don’t know if this would go in the Hyatte Guide to Life of what, but I need a question answered. Why do white guys…how do I ask this…okay. In Flea’s column this week, he said something about Whitney Houston and how she can keep on sucking Bobby Brown’s “black cock.” I remember hearing Bubba Ray Dudley say that someone was teaching her daughter how to suck “black dick” or something like that. Usually when advertising porn, they’ll say something about white girls filled with black cock or words to that effect.

It doesn’t offend me or anything, but I’m just curious about the fascination with our genitals. You never hear anything about “Asian cock” or “Indian cock” or even your own “white cock.” Can you clear this up for me, because I’m pretty confused. Why do white guys emphasize BLACK DICK? Thanks for any answers you can give, so I can finally sleep at night instead of wondering why white guys are more obsessed with my dick than I am.


A couple of reasons, actually…

First of all, we, as white guys, are terrified of the black man. Not your fault. It’s because of gangsta rap and Spike Lee joints. You suckas are SCARY, yo! And you guys know it. Don’t tell me black guys don’t get together and goof on how many whiteys you intimidated that day. I know you do.

Second of all, it’s the whole legend status of the black penis. Everyone says it’s bigger than what we got… and, from porn and stand-up comics, we are trained to think that bigger is INFINITELY more satisfying than smaller to the woman. Now the truth is, that is entirely up to the taste of the woman. AND a little know-how really does go a long way for the small packaged guys to make a girl happy. But the legend of the black man’s penis is ingrained in our CULTURE… so we’ll always be jealous.

Third, a black man pounding on white booty is still taboo… especially these days considering who was just recently re-elected. It’s the ultimate daddy nightmare, having his white princess be soiled by the nubian wild man. Especially when the white girl in question is blonde hair, blue eyes, and as all-american as it gets. Yeah, Tyrone jams his monster unit into the prom queen…. a lot of people find that sort of imagery erotic. I know I do. It’s almost EVIL… that sort of scenario.

Now before anyone starts bitching, please keep in mind that I am speaking for the general public… and I am telling base TRUTH!! Hyatte knows, dammit… Hyatte knows. 

Anyway, the black people in this country have enough problems… such as the MAN always being on your asses… so just enjoy this litt… err… enjoy this victory, no matter how bullshit it is.

I suppose that I should begin with the backstory. About five years ago, I got dumped by my girlfriend. She hooked up with a dude at a party and decided to go that route. Fine. Sure. Works for me. I was broken up about it for about a week and moved on with my life. Jump ahead about a month and I get wind that a girl from my job is interested in me. While I was totally flattered, I kind of ignored it because I was going through a whole bitter and jilted kind of thing and our job has a strict employee dating policy. I’d be a liar if I said that money wasn’t the primary issue. I make way too much for the menial job that I perform and have little to no actual skills for use in the real world. 

Back to the matter at hand, she’s still all about me a few months later (which is odd, because I’m far from easy on the eyes and a bit abrasive verbally and this girl is
completely hot). I decide: f*ck better judgment. I start to go for it. We hang out a lot and make one of those deep emotional connections usually reserved for characters from shitty movies starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. It was phenomenal. We were throwing around the love word and everything. 

Here comes a plot twist: She gets a better job offer and moves far enough away that seeing each other is complicated to say the least. We do the phone thing and schedule a few weekends that never ended up happening due to our weird work schedules. 

At this point, perhaps I should explain our jobs. She’s a stripper and magazine model. I’m a strip club DJ that does weddings on the side. We now return to our regularly scheduled conundrum. 

Time ticks away and we grow a little distant. We still communicate with a phone call here, a letter there, cute messages through mutual friends and the like. A few weeks of this turns into a large and annoying game of phone tag. About a month goes by and we haven’t spoken, but I’m wrapped up in a busy work thing with a forty hour schedule and about a billion weddings on weekends so I hardly notice. One night, A girl from work sees me in the real world and drops the following bombshell: The woman I love and have sort-of lost touch with died the week before in a car accident. Damn. Talk about the one that got away. 

This starts a sick downward spiral of depression, booze, angst, pills, emptiness, coke, two suicide attempts, and enogh coke to kill twelve Belushis that lasts about two years. I probably took years off of my life, but who cares, right? My one true love dies in a fiery auto crash right in the middle of me having my head in my ass and being too busy to call. One day, I wake up and realize after going through an entire travel-size packet of tissues to try and get the dried blood and coke out of my nose that maybe I should stop all of the self destruction. So I do. No meetings, no finding Jesus, no jailhouse-induced moments of clarity. I just knock it off. I start making an effort to go out again. I make it a point to spend more time with friends that don’t work at the strip club. Life is getting better for a few months and then it happens. The ex-girlfriend from the beginning of the story saunters back into my life. She lays a will-you-forgive-me trip on me and I decide that I’m in a forgiving place. It turns out that the party hook-up was a party rape-a-drunk-and-passed-out-childhood-friend kind of thing. This messed her up and she did a my fault for leading this childhood friend on deal and got all out of her head. She dumped me and went on a downward spiral not unlike my own. 

Here we are a few years later, both well versed in the path of self-destruction and possibly wiser for the ware. We decide to have another go at a relationship and for the first few months it’s amazing. Everything old is new again and our hero finds out that maybe he can love again. But then I make a huge mistake. We fast-track things and shack up. It turns out that I cant stand her because she is a terrible roommate and I get to enjoy all of the relationship negatives (i.e. fighting, bithching, stupid obligations, and no female friends) with none of the positive ones (i.e. passion, togetherness, nakedness, and that feeling you get when you look in eachother’s eyes and both of you can see and feel forever). 

Things are only worsened by recurring dreams of my deceased former lover and an incident where I almost called the current girl by the dead one’s name in the middle of a drunken stupor. 

What the hell is going on with me, Hyatte?

No Name Given

Girl # 1 who became the current bane of your existence was your rebound fling. You took her back because she brought you back to a comfortable place where you didn’t burn yourself out on all this guilt you have for not keeping in touch with Girl #2 and not knowing she was dead.

Thig is, the girl would’ve died no matter how close in touch you kept with her. You didn’t kill her and you couldn’t have prevented it. It’s just messing you up because you’ve never had a situation like this happen before. You nearly drowned in your own guilt. And you’ll never fully recover.

Now, Girl #1 is back, and had her own share of major issues. So, because you’re both damaged goods, you sort of hooked onto each other to make the pain go away and create some semblence of a normal life. And by God, it worked! You are getting out of your guilt funk… you are healing.

But you ain’t healed just yet, and Girl #1 isn’t Girl #2 who died. Totally different person.

You’re still pining for a dead girl and blaming the live one for not being her. The dreams are self-explanatory: You aren’t seeing the dead girl, you are seeing your guilt in a shape that your brain relates to.

I can’t just sit here and say, “get over it and move on” because I ALWAYS say that… and in this case, there is a lot of harm that can be caused to both of you if you just walk.

You REALLY need to get a little therapy. You aren’t crazy, you just have a decent soul that can’t handle the strain of this misplaced guilt.

I CAN tell you that you don’t deserve this guilt. Try to get rid of it. Unload it. Let it go. You did nothing here. You are not to blame. You didn’t kill her or get her killed. It’s not your fault. I swear. 

Hello Hyatte,

I’ve read your column for a while and have actually written to you before about some advice and it was helpful, so I figure why not hit up up for some advice again. I met a woman a fews month ago, we dated and things seemed like they were going fine (doesn’t it always). Well, now here we are a few months later and she’s back with her ex-boyfriend which is a huge mistake. The thing is I want her back (my friends are ready to beat the “Stupidity” out of me for wanting her back). That’s the quick version of the scenario. 

The long story goes something like this: I’m 25, pretty successful in my career, good looking, drive a nice car and in February I’ll have a new home built for me. Basically I’ve got my shit together, I’m just looking for a woman to settle down with. I met this woman a few months ago, we hit it off well and dated. She was older than me, some what conservative, didn’t come from a broken home not a partier, pretty much a “good girl”. She had a child and was previously married but that doesn’t matter to me. What matters was while we were dating her ex boyfriend (not husband or baby’s daddy) was calling her. Mind you HE DUMPED HER. After her and I started dating he decided he wanted her back (guess he could’ve had he back any time her wanted). Since she got back with him she called me once or twice and mainly complained about him. She’s supposed to go see him in a few weeks. She’s convinced she loves him and he won’t hurt her. He wants her to move down to the state where he is, but get this, he doesn’t want to live with her (he suggested a hotel) and for a while to leave her daughter with her ex husband (who has ZERO involvement in his daughter’s life). Even with him saying that to her she still wants to be with him. I don’t get it… every one of my friends tells me she’ll be back but that I should move on and forget about her. Should I just sit back and wait… I miss her and I want her back. The last time we talked it ended with her telling me she can’t talk to me anymore because he’d break up with her, and that come Christmas time he wants to propose to her in front of his family (they dated for 3 years and he never once introduced her to his family). I don’t know what else to do, her whole family hates him. Hyatte please help.


Oh Norman…

Your friends are right. This isn’t worth your effort. Girl’s a lost cause and really, REALLY dumb.

You’ll never have her. This is no love story in the making. It’s a joke. She’s taken. You were the rebound boy, that’s it. Shame on you for falling in love. The heart sucks, sometimes. 

Look, I don’t know you, don’t know her, and have only this two paragraph letter to go on, but even I can see what’s happening here. You are the ugly blankie that kept her warm while her deluxe quilt was being dry cleaned. It’s back, it’s riddled with fleas, but she loves it. You’re cast off into some dark corner, forgotten and used. 

It’s over. Girl’s got her quilt back and NO ONE is gonna tell her not to sleep with it. Especially not you.

Sorry, but you’re done.

And so am I.

I’ll try real hard to get a column on Thursday. Well, not TOO hard, you ain’;t worth THAT much effort! But I still like ya, for some reason.

Well, most of you. One or two of you are real pains in my ass. You know who you are. Assholes.

This is Hyatte