The Midnight News 12.06.04

hyatte | December 5, 2004 | Archive | 1 Comment

“And I’ll DEFINITELY have a MidNews up for Thursday… well, maybe not DEFINITELY… but possibly…. depends how I feel. You DID get PLENTY of goddam news/entertainment out of me today… and I’m getting very little love in return… I feel neglected… I feel unloved… I feel… I feel…”

YOU do a Thursday Column? BWAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA, ah man. That’s funny. Once again you prove yourself as the King of Comedy.

Forgot the name

Dude, I’m like… so TIRED during the week… 

RSS feeds are used to aggregate news or other writings from various sources and make them more accessible to a user who reads several content providers
on a frequent basis. Software that has been written to take advantage of an RSS feed can automatically retrive any new postings in those feeds. I find
it convenient to use in conjunction with InsidePulse because there are some authors who I always read, but whose writings can be hard to find at the website given all the noise.

For example, when I use my aggregator of choice (Stardock’s Blog Navigator), it checks, among other things, whether that Pinko meat fondler Eric S. has
written anything since the last time I ran the program. When he has, the title appears in bold in the program’s navigation pane, letting me directly access it without having to try to find it in a mass of blue-on-black.

Look at it this way — if you’re going to take off half the time, you might as well make it easy for us to know when you’re on vacation.

RSS feeds are also used in web-based aggregation. This lets you either set up a personal newspaper of sorts that regularly updates with all of your favorite writers, or simply carry someone else’s info as a value-added feature of your own website.

Ok, I’ll shut up now.

Gene Platt

Nope… still don’t care. If Widro or Daniels or whoever wants to hook it up, they may… just don’t bugger me about it.

Dear Hyatte, Ow. I knew I wouldn’t get printed and I know I still won’t. I have nothing acceptional to offer. I only have the same dull redundent song to sing to you. Wow you sucked this week. Its not for you to say wether your in touch with the fans or not Chris. That’s kind of the fans place. I’m kind of glad you came right out and said your a cooperate shoe for Vince mc man even though he wants nothing to do with you. That takes character. Specialy with a ego like yours. I’m not gonna argue about the UFC because I talk to you about wrestling, and truth is their worlds apart. One will never get what makes the other what it is. Wrestling will never had integrity, and UFC will never have the personalitys of wrestling (Tito ortiz and Tank abbot withstanding). I hope your game picks up, you had a ruff week and that’s fine. I ussal like your stuff and I hope it turns around for you, oh and thanks for the hint of Scott bashing at the end.. but some how that seemed not to be up to part either.


I did NOT suck last week… I BLEW… (old joke that, ironically, really did SUCK)

Hey, As a ROH fan just wanted to toss out some thanks for “shooting” on them… you have enough of a fan base that your dissing of ROH is getting new
people to check the fed’s website out. Having a “IWC Celebrity” talk about your fed, punchline of jokes or not, can only help when you need to get people’s attention.

Can’t think of anything witty to say, so hope you had a nice thanksgiving.


Oh I’m QUITE sure ROH is doing fine with or without my “attention”… well, doing as fine as any company that’s going broke on hiring big stars and have no way of getting their product exposed to a full audience without a web connection can. Do they still shake hands before and after each match?

I can’t believe someone compared you to Mark Madden, and actually meant it in a bad light. Madden was f*cking funny as Hell when he was on Nitro. I used to occasionally listen to his radio show, because he lived that gimmick, dammit. He’s loud, abrasive, and very quick-witted, and I dig it. I’ll admit that I sometimes skim over parts of your columns, but for the most part? They’re one of the very, very few things I look forward to reading online these days.

~ Jim

I posted that just to prove that yes, there IS at least ONE fan of Mark Madden out there… wonders: they do refuse to cease

“Hyatte is just friggin’ sad. Really, Insidepulse should just dump the guy, because the fact that this moron has any degree of respect or notoriety in the IWC just backs up critics claims that we’re all just a bunch of losers on our parent’s computers. I’ve tried to read his column a couple times and it’s totally laughable…from him obsessing over the WWE Divas like a kid from junior high who’s never touched a boob, to his “life-lessons” that anyone with any real life experience at all will tell you are crap, to his constant bragging about how big his e-cock is in the place of actually, you know, writing anything worthwhile. The *only* thing the guy has going for him is that he’s nuts and thus some people might still read him to see what he might sink to next. Without being ‘controversial’ (and really, who really gives a f*ck what dumbshit internet wrestling columnist A says about internet columnist B?) he’s got *nothing*, because he’s an abysmal writer.”

What? How dare this person attack your writing skills? I mean you only have to read “The Taking of HHH” to see that you’re a…. oh.

Well, you’re definitely not a dumbshit internet wrestling column… ah.

At the very least, I’m sure you’ve touched a boob… right?

You really shouldn’t let your mum post on Scooter’s blog, Hyatte. Apart from that, keep up the good work. And more McMahon in the column please!

Mark Angus, UK.

Depends on your definition of “boob”, you nutty Brit you.

And the Triple H thing was GOLD, wanker… name me ONE piece of work that stirred up more commentary – good or bad- on this web thing over the past year… you CAN’T.

“Allo wankers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News… not much else to say, don’t have much news to report… in fact, I have practically none…so let’s just roll…


Can it be for real? is TNA, that little company that can’t, really going to try to do a PPV EVERY MONTH? With the WWE getting ready to pound 16 PPV’s down our throats in ’05?

Now that takes some SERIOUS balls… whoa.

Anyway, they ran Turning Point tonight… with a LOT of old faces, and lot of new faces, and a lot of old faces with new faces after dropping a few grand on some plastic surgery!! (ba-dum dum!!… the WIT, PEOPLE!!)

Anyway… I didn’t see the PPV… and I won’t be seeing the next one… or the one after that… or the one after that… so here’s what I’ve been reading… nice and condensed…

It’s the mid-90’s all over again as TNA takes the fight RIGHT TO THE COMPETITION… with PARODIES and SKETCHES featuring (*coughBillionaireTed) “Vince McMahon” and (*HACKtheHuckster) “Triple H”… cutting edge material aimed at building a grassroots campaign against the evil empire! 

Problem is… they aren’t anywhere near competition… and the market is no longer strong enough for them to become one… not even if they eventually get a TV slot against Raw

You know what… go deep into your PPV tape library and dig up ANY WCW PPV from the last 5 years they were around… because that’s the show they put on… they put on a WCW show, except with not as many stars and the ones they have are either too damn old or too damn unknown or too damn minor league.

No, really… this is getting ridiculous… they are doing everything wrong here… every. thing.

*Sigh… you want a straight up alternative to the WWE? Make the X-Division the ONLY division, keep that no talent WAAAY over his head moron Jeff Jarrett behind the scenes… QUIT digging up every possible “star” that Vince didn’t re-hire, and slowly, verrrrry slowly, develop the unknowns into something that might resemble a star. AJ Styles CAN carry this ball, IF he was given time… years of it… to build himself and the franchise…. these idiots are pouring money inti this product and are desperately trying to bumrush there way to being a big time player… they need to embrace WRESTLING… and give fans who left the WWE a chance to recall why they…. why WE became fans in the first place. If they can do that, they’ll be on to something… but now, they surround the GOOD things with WCW cast-offs… they need a dramatic restructuring and a MAJOR change in philosophy.

And they won’t do it.

Now here’s the dumbest part… none of these TNA wrestlers are under long-term contracts… which means that if they choose to keep annoying Vince, he’ll just hire away the good wrestlers, make them job out to Torrie Wilson for three years, completely ruin their credibility, then toss them aside. He did it before. Hell, he’ll probably do it to them anyway… just as soon as he gets annoyed enough.

In short, don’t become a fan of TNA as it is right now, because they ain’t gonna be around much longer. 

Now there’s yer f*ck’n RECAP!!

Oh, and Erik Watts turned heel. Forget everything I said… these boys know EXACTLY what they’re doing!

Oh can’t I just marry Trish Stratus already and be DONE with this nonsense??? When will that girl come around… hell, I’ll marry the imposter I still talk to from time to time… close enough for me.


Look, I’ll give it to you straight… things are bad in the IWC.

What? You REALLY think that just because house show attendance is pitiful, ratings are in the toilet, and the business is, and will be for the foreseeable future, a one empire industry that the hardcore fans will flock to the net in droves? 

Sorry, this isn’t how it works. IWC readers are finding other things to do too… they are bored with the product and are tired of listening to writers drone on about the SAME EXACT BULLSHIT… does Triple H suck? Maybe, but do you think people WANT to read 100 people explain why EVERY SINGLE WEEK without getting sick and tired of it?? Of course not.

You readers are bailing out on us… all of us. 

Want proof? Go to every message board you know of and see all the posts… 5 years ago I pointed out that every message board is just the same 20 names making a thousand posts… well nothing has changed since ’99… very few new posters have come onboard… it’s still the SAME FUCKING NAMES SAYING THE SAME FUCKING THINGS.

You know who suffers the worst? No, not me… I really don’t care all that much anymore… it’s the imbeciles who had the genius idea to CHARGE you for the “real” material… pop-up free.

I swear on this, the Torch VIP section… where you have to PAY to become a member and see, much less post on their message board, hasn’t had a new member since I started looking around there… and this is going on a couple of years now. It’s sad, yet unavoidable…

Now Dave Scherer at the PWInsider knows that his site is losing money… Scherer has always been a fringe writer anyway. He’s so completely stuffed with his own obsession of getting him and his site (but mostly him) over as the biggest, greatest, most popular wrestling writer of all time that he actually believes his own self-generated hype. For anyone who accuses me of having a monster ego, read a few Scherer columns… I’m a f*cking humble-ass child next to him. Scherer’s problem is that he is so taken with himself that he doesn’t seem to have any grasp on reality. He actually thinks he’s an influence… on the level of Meltzer.

But Scherer understands that he’s not getting rich from his pay site… so he’s fighting. He’s fighting by hiring (although I STRONGLY doubt any actual MONEY is exchanged) Todd Gordon to contribute an “Ask Todd Gordon” column for his site… Todd Gordon.

If you don’t know who Todd Gordon is… run a google search, I don’t have the patience to explain… just… he’s a lot like Scherer… he’s on the fringe of the business too… he used to be a bigger influence (he started ECW, actually), but like everyone else who Vince McMahon doesn’t hire… they either fade away or go to Japan… why Scherer brought this old goat back from pumping gas in Hoboken is obvious… readership is down and it ain’t getting up… and old Dave has gym dues to keep up with… he’ll try anything.

ANYWAY… since Scherer’s got him… we might as well try to have SOME fun with this…

Wanna break some balls? Ask Todd Gordon some of these questions…

-Who are you?

-No, really, why am I being bored to death by reading some unkonown answer questions as if he’s Vince McMahon himself?

-When did you lose your hair?

-Ever walk around all day with a glob of snot on that cheesy mustache of yours?

-Aren’t you the loser who lost ECW after you started the franchise?

-Who are the easiest rats to f*ck?

-How’s Missy Hyatt in the sack?

-Does it suck when you go outside on a hot day and end up with your bald-ass scalp burned?

-Don’t you laugh at Dave Scherer’s arrogant, constant posturing?

-Does Heyman crank call you late at night and laugh at you?

-Who’s gay in ECW? I mean, besides Raven?

-What questions about the business could you possibly answer?

-Didn’t you wait on my table at Chilis last night?

-Weren’t you the one who gave Eddie Gilbert those drugs that he OD’ed on?

-Weren’t you the mole who tried to sell ECW out to WCW in exchange for a job with Bischoff?

-How come you never ended up working for Bischoff?

-How’s it feel to be the biggest chump in the business?

-How many times diod you ask Meltzer for a gig before going to PWInsider?

-Who’s the biggest cocksucker? Dave Scherer or Bruce Mitchell?

-What do you think of Scott Keith?

-Aren’t you, like, 50?

-Isn’t it high time you moved on?

-Is it embarrassing to have so many O’s in your name?

Here’s his e-mail… go to it.

This whole IWC nonsense is on it’s last legs… and I don’t see any comeback in sight.


OOoh, thank the Lord for FILLER!!

Someone showed me a site filled with “Erotic wrestling fiction”… in other words, bad writers telling sex stories starring YOUR favorite wrestlers.

So I thought it might be fun to take a snippet from one of the stories and post it for shits and giggles…

But then it occured to me that this is a FAMILY FRIENDLY column… and some of this stuff is too damn gosh darn racy for my more sensitive readers…

So I went Mad Libs on the bad part… but with a THEME to the Mad Libs.

Trust me, this might just take off.

So, I present to you, a few cuts from Stephanie McMahon: Daddy’s Little Slut by Johnny Fever… (for those of you who always wondered what Howard Hessman has been up to lately)

The Mad Lib theme this week: Bruce Springsteen songs!


Taking a step forward, Vince stood directly in front of Stephanie’s chair. Without offering any further explanation, he took hold of his zipper and slowly pulled it down.

As she realized what he was suggesting, Stephanie recoiled from the shock she undoubtably felt. She began to stammer, trying to find the words that could make him change his mind.

“Daddy, I can’t… n… no!”

“No? Stephanie, you just told me you’d do anything. You said you wanted to make things right!”

He peered into Stephanie’s brown eyes, which looked full of shock and disbelief. Maybe even a little bit of fear.

“But I’m… God, I’m your daughter!”

Vince chuckled softly.

“Is that right? Tell me, Stephanie, wasn’t it you who said on national television that you never wanted to see me again?”

Knowing that she had indeed said it, Stephanie had no response for him.

“In fact, I remember you saying that if I forced you to wrestle me, then I’d never see you again… I’d never be invited to your wedding… why, you said if you have ever children, I’d never even get to meet them! Is that right?”

Not bothering to wait for her to jump in, Vince kept on going, feeling his rage build.

“I remember you saying that if I put my hands on you in anger, then you wouldn’t consider me your father anymore!”

“Daddy, I…”


Vince watched Stephanie flinch back in her chair, clearly frightened by his outburst. He knew she had witnessed his temper over the years, though it had rarely ever been directed at her. Before she could think of something to say, Vince grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the chair.

“Get up, come over here.”

Vince dragged her towards the leather couch in his office and roughly shoved her down on the cushions.

“If I’m not your father anymore,” he began as he removed his suit jacket, “then I guess that means that you’re not my daughter! And if you’re not my daughter, then it sounds like you’re all out of excuses.”

Stephanie stared up at him, her jaw hanging open. Vince casually undid the button on his slacks.

“Don’t feel bad, Steph. You’re hardly the first person who’s done this to get their job back here. Hell, this has happened plenty of times.”

“I… no, I can’t do this. This is sick!”

“Don’t give me that. The sooner you start, the sooner it’ll all be over with.”

“No, Daddy. No!”

Defiantly, Stephanie attempted to stand. But with one strong shove, Vince simply pushed her right back down onto the couch. He grabbed a tight handful of her hair with one hand and used the other to undo his belt. With nothing left to hold them up, his pants slid down his legs.

“You want my forgiveness, you little (Rosalita (Come Out Tonight))? Huh? Then, by God, you’re gonna EARN it!”

Feeling a powerful rush run through him, Vince jerked down his briefs. His big (Mary Queen Of Arkansas) flopped out just inches from his daughter’s face.

“Oh! Oh… my God!”

Almost instantly, Vince saw tears welling up in Stephanie’s eyes. He could see the total disbelief she felt as she pleaded with him to re-think his twisted plan.

“Daddy… please, no!”

He simply stroked his (Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out), which was rapidly beginning to grow. Exposing himself to his own daughter this way had gotten him incredibly excited.

“Look at it, Stephanie. You ever seen one this big?”

He could tell by her face that she hadn’t. Stephanie tried not to look at the pulsing (Incident On 57th Street) in front of her, but there was no way she could avoid it. Vince’s (Hungry Heart) was immense, long and thick, like some sort of freakish (Tunnel Of Love). He bet that it was easily the largest one she’d ever seen.

Gripping her hair, Vince pulled his daughter’s head closer to his body. With his other hand, he started to shake his throbbing column of (Bobby Jean).

“Yeah, you can’t wait to get your lips around that, can you? Your mouth is watering just thinking about sucking this big (Wild Billy’s Circus Story)!”

“N… no!” she whimpered pitifully, tears flowing. “Don’t make me do this!”

Vince’s lips curled with an arrogant smirk. Watching Stephanie beg and plead was even more fun than he thought it would be. Ignoring her, he aimed his (Trapped) at her mouth.

“Let’s go, Steph…”

Stephanie pressed her lips shut and tried to shake free of his grasp. Vince tightened his grip on her hair, pulling it sharply.

“It’ll all be okay, sweetheart. You’ll have your job back, you’ll have everything you want. Just be a good girl and open up.”

He pushed the head of his (Badlands) right up against his daughter’s lips. Stephanie twisted her head away and firmly planted her hands on the fronts of his legs, pushing and struggling, trying desperately to avoid her fate. Vince yanked on her hair to roughly twist her face back around to the front.

“Take it, Stephanie,” he told her sternly. “Take it…”

Tears streamed down Stephanie’s cheeks as she stared up at her father. They locked eyes and Vince felt another powerful, almost electric rush run through
him. She had no way out, he knew. Christ, look how helpless and pathetic she was without him.

Vince knew perfectly well that he could force her to do it. Simply pinching her nose shut would cut off her air, meaning she’d have to open her mouth to breathe. But where was the fun in that? He wanted Stephanie to do it on her own, to make her own choice. Gripping his (The Ghost Of Tom Joad) tightly, he smeared the (State Trooper) back and forth across her soft lips.

“I don’t have all day! It’s now or never, Stephanie. What’s it gonna be?”

As she shook with sobs, Vince saw his daughter’s fighting spirit slip away. He could see the defeat in her eyes. He knew he had her beaten.

Stephanie clamped her eyes shut and took a deep breath. A moment later, she parted her lips and let the mammoth (Secret Garden) slide past them.

“Ohhhh, there we go! That’s my girl!”

Holding Stephanie’s hair in one hand and his (Ricky Wants A Man Of Her Own) in the other, Vince fed his thick (Paradise By The “C”) into his daughter’s mouth. A shiver ran up his spine as it passed over her warm (Linda Let Me Be The One) on the way to the back of her (Glory Days).

He could barely believe the sight in front of him. He’d actually gotten Stephanie’s lips around his (Zero And Blind Terry), this was easily one of the most brilliant ideas he’d ever come up with. Vince grabbed a second handful of her hair, keeping her head firmly in place as he began to (Born To Run) her face.

“Yeaaahh, that’s good! Use your (Sinaloa Cowboys) on it.”


A wet gurgling sound rose up as Vince’s long (Dancing In The Dark) kept threatening to slide down her (Pink Cadillac). It was all Stephanie could do to keep from gagging on it. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks as her father’s (Nebraska) pistoned in and out of her (Ramrod).

“I said use your (Janey Don’t You Lose Heart)!”

Vince picked up his pace and (Out In The Street) her mouth faster, causing his heavy (Highway Patrolman) to bounce off her chin. Slowly but surely, he started to feel her wet (Adam Raised A Cain) running along the bottom side of his (Atlantic City).

Peering down at his daughter, Vince couldn’t help grinning again. He couldn’t get over the sight of her pretty red lips stretched so tightly around the (Highway 29) of his (Darkness On the Edge Of Town). Her eyes, though, were closed as she no doubt tried to block out the fact that her own father’s (Galveston Bay) was in her mouth. Hoping to ignore that she’d become the kind of girl who has to suck (I’m On Fire) to get somewhere in life.

Well, he wasn’t going to let her ignore it. Vince pulled her head backwards and stared into Stephanie’s tear-stained face as his (Local Hero) fell out of her mouth.

“Tell me what a naughty little (Mansion On The Hill) you are, Stephanie. Tell me how you’re sucking my big (Pony Boy).”

With quivering lips, Stephanie answered her father. He had given her no choice.

“I’m… I’m a naughty little (Thunder Road).”


“And I… I’m…”.

She couldn’t finish. Vince knew that whatever was left of her pride was holding her back.

“Say it.”


“SAY it.”

Stephanie looked up at him as another tear ran down her cheek.

“I’m sucking your big (Does This Bus Stop At 82nd Street?), Daddy.”

…… oh my God…

Ya know… some of you imbeciles complain about how I’m wasting my time with this nonsense… 


Let’s put this in SOME perspective, people…

I… I… I’ll never listen to Springsteen the same way again…

Jeeze, some of you people have WAAAAAY too much time on your hands… LOSERS!!

By the way, next week: 100 things I’d do to Trish Stratus with a spatula and a syringe filled with horse tranquilizer… a Midnight News Exclusive… BE HERE!


*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar..*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform. 


Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:


Chris Hyatte?

Sometimes you’re funny and then there’s now.

Flea: A man who speaks the truth.


Everyone likes Flea.– Me, one segment ago

That is not necessarily correct, it seems… 

The following exchange took place several weeks ago, between 12:10 and 12:30 am:

BigWetHug: nobody gives a f*ck about flea except you. dunno why nobody’s told you
Hyatte1com: he’s rather popular, actually
BigWetHug: what? lies

Hyatte1com: how dare you speak for EVERYONE… did you take a poll? How do you know that NOBODY likes him
BigWetHug: fine. he still sucks.
Hyatte1com: why?

BigWetHug: finding any viewpoint that hasn’t been taken yet does not make a good writer. it’s annoying
Hyatte1com: I disagree…. it screams originality
BigWetHug: he’s a big faker and you know it
BigWetHug: admit it
Hyatte1com: actually, I know for a fact that he walks how he talks

BigWetHug: doesnt it get annoying when he chimes in with original and insightful viewpoints, no matter how unnecessary? or is it always welcome
Hyatte1com: well… yeah
BigWetHug: “JFK was killed by general motors! betcha never heard THAT theory now didja? because you have never heard it, it is obviously the only way. how could you not have made the connection? For you see, it is not my thought process that is abnormal, but your own”

BigWetHug: that was my Flea impression. Your thoughts?
Hyatte1com: horrible

BigWetHug: i’ll work on it.

Haven’t heard from him since… there’s a good chance that Flea has had him killed…

And if not, he’s about to… so make peace with your God NOW, BigWetHug… 

I’m completely serious.


I’m throwing a couple of curveballs out this week… TV shows AND movies… AND comedy skits… starting with a SNL sketch from a couple of years ago. Will Ferrel is playing Alex Trebek and Norm MacDonald is playing Burt Reynolds. Let’s go…

01): Burt Reynolds.

That’s not my name.

Okay. Turd Ferguson.

(laughs) Yeah, what do ya want?

You buzzed in!

No I didn’t.

Yes you did!

Yeah, well, that’s your opinion.– “Alex Trebek” and “Burt Reynolds”- Saturday Night Live 

02): Congratulations to the class of nineteen ninety nine. You’ve all proved more or less adequate. This is a time of celebration so sit still and be quiet… (to a student)spit out that gum. Please welcome, our distinguished guest speaker, Richard Wilkins the Third…(to another student) I saw that gesture, you see me after graduation.Buffy the Vampire Slayer

03): My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.Annie Hall 

04): We lost three bags.

What was in them?

Socks, a hundred million dollars… the usual stuff.Cliffhanger

05): I’m gay, I’m queer, I’m homosexual, I’m a poof, I’m a poofter, I’m a ponce. I’m a bum-boy, batty-boy, backside artist, bugger, I’m bent. I am that arse-bandit, I lift those shirts, I’m a faggot-arse, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing, uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom, I’m Moses in the parting of the red cheeks. I f*ck and I’m f*cked. I suck and I’m sucked. I rim them, and wank them, and every single man has had the f*cking time of his life. And I am not a pervert!!!Queer As Folk

06): I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.

I don’t say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.

Yes it does. Leviticus.


Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I’m interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here’s one that’s really important because we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?

(awkward pause) 

One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.– The West Wing

07): Go to Hell!

Heaven, darling, Heaven. At least get the zip code right.

It’s all the same to you, isn’t it?

No, in Heaven we believe in love.

What do you love Gabriel?

Cracking your skullThe Prophecy

08): Do you want an apology? A Whitman’s sampler? WHAT?!?!?The Sopranos 

09): Anyone who runs is V.C. Anyone who stands still is well-disciplined V.C.Full Metal Jacket

10): What are your plans to help the community?– Caller on MTV’s TRL

Me? Nothing.– Old Dirty Bastard’s answer

11): Where are you going, JR? Which slut are you sleeping with tonight?

What’s it matter? Anyone of them has to be more interesting than the slut I’m looking at right now.Dallas

12): Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong. 

Oh really? Well, that “symptom” is f*cking my wife!When Harry Met Sally

13): After all your posturing, you’re nothing but a petty thief.

I am an exceptional thief, Mrs MacLean, and as I’m moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite!Die Hard

14) Hi. I’m Steve Martin. With so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. That is why I am proud to put my name on Steve Martin’s All Natural Penis Beauty Cream. New formula. Try my new beauty cream and in a matter of weeks, your penis will be looking smoother and softer the way women like it. Because of the new formula, no more scaling. Here’s how it works, just take a small ammount and rub gently on the penis for several minutes up to a half hour. You’ll notice a diffrence right away. And don’t worry, a slight discoloration is normal. Bob, tell us, how does my Steve Martin’s All Natural Penis Beauty Cream New Formula helped you? 

Steve, I’m in Real Estate. And if I’m not confident, I can’t do my job. So if I’m thinking about my apearence, I’m not thinking about selling houses. The day I started using Steve’s cream I sold three houses, now I have more energy than before. My confidence is sky high, I just got my pilot’s license and next week I’m flying solo from L.A. to Tahoe with nothing on board but two bottles of your cream. But what’s great, Steve, is that I can now throw away all those cans of turtle wax. 

My next guest started using my cream by accident. Isn’t that right, Dave? 

That’s right, Steve. I thought it was for something else. Now I found that I have a lovelier, more luxurious penis than I ever had with other beauty creams. Probably because it’s the first beauty lotion especially made for the johnson. I’ll tell you, if I could afford it, I’d use your cream 24 hours a day. Unfortunatly, my wife recently left me, but before she did, she said, I hop you and your Steve Martin’s Beauty Cream will be very happy! 

Yes well thank you, Dave. Steve Martin’s All Natural Penis Beauty Cream New Formula. You know it’s safe. Why? Because it’s tested on animals. And if you order by mail, don’t worry, it’s shipped in a normal brown rapper with the words NOT PENIS CREAM stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today and remember, it’s the only cream with a picture of my penis on it.Saturday Night Live

15): Boy of all the humiliations you’ve had that I witnessed, that was the latest

I could’ve taken him.

Oh please, O’Toole would macrome your face, he is a psycho. Which is still a lot cooler than being a wus.

Why is it that I’ve come face to face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures hell has ever spit out and I’m still afriad of a little bully like O’Toole?

Because unlike all those other creatures that you’ve come face to face with, Jack actually noticed that you were there.

Why am I surprised by how comforting you’re not?

It must be really hard when all your friends have super-powers: slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires and you’re like this little nothing. You must feel like… Jimmy Olsen!

Hey I was talking ab… hey mind your own business!

Oo, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.

I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.

Oh please

I do.

Integral part of the group? Xander, you’re the… USELESS part of the group. You’re the… Zeppo. Cool – look it up. It’s something that a… sub-literate that has repeated twelve grade three times has and you don’t. (walks away… comments to herself) There was no part of that that wasn’t fun!Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy… been plowing through her season DVDs… good stuff, good writing…

Keep these coming people, wrestling is down thus readership is down (plus Hyatte has sorta been blowin’ lately with the high octane quality material), so I need all the help I can get.

Well, we’re gonna go on home now… but wait, since I haven’t done a Thursday column in about a hundred weeks, why don’t we wrap things up with the all-important, dare I say LIFE SAVING segment where I show all of you just how gosh darn brilliant I am. You know what I’m talking about…. 


Got a problem? Need some advice? Want some REAL answers stuffed with BRUTAL, yet OBJECTIVE facts? Then here you go…

The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold.

Good day, Mr. Hyatte… long time hater, first time writer. I got myself in some nice, deep, smelly shit, and only someone who’s been in deeper, fouler smelling shit than I am could help me out of this. Hence, you. 

I regularly have sex with two women. One is smoking hot (she’s a tour girl for a beer company), the other is average (albeit a cheerleader for a university football team… and don’t get me started on canadian football). So I split my sex time between their beds (or mine), the sex is good, the licking tastes nice and everything’s fine. Well, almost. See, they’re both “with someone” at the same time. Now I’m no knight and I didn’t think I would cry for their poor boys who couldn’t satisfy them, but I was really curious as to why they wouldn’t tell me who their boys were. Until I was told that they didn’t have boys.

Oh no. They had each other. 

I was given a picture of the “happy couple” showing off at the Gay Pride parade in TO last year. Thinking I was in the middle of some stupid bet between two airheads, I sent a good female friend of mine investigate. Well, my two canaries are apparently happy together, and none will reveal they have a man in their lives. 

I guess I’m no saint either, being married with kids and all. But still… who’s playing who here ?

And before you ask : I’ve already proposed a threesome with their “significant other”, without mentioning I knew who that person was, and they both said “no”. I got anal sex with the hot one in exchange of that “no”, though. Sex is definitelay a business negociation.

Take care.


You want to know who’s being played? YOUR WIFE AND YOUR KIDS!!

You’ve had your fun, now go home and be a man and raise your children and honor your vows and be thankful you have someone.

Be a man, you creep.


Hey Hyatte,

Really big fan of your work. Never thought things would actually come to the extremes of emailing you, but they have.

I’m with this chick right. She is HOT man. Way outta my league. But somehow I managed to hook up with her okay?

So we’re in this house and she gets me naked in a room. She gets naked too. She starts masturbating me, and then giving me head, but I don’t come. No matter what she does, I’m not coming. She’s cool enough to talk to me about it, and I explain that I think it’s just nervousness. So she tries again, but nothing happens once more.

I don’t get it. When I masturbate myself, I come no problem. Granted it takes a while, but I still have never failed to come. It’s not that I’m not attracted to this girl, man I REALLY like her believe me, but just something was up.

I need advice and FAST. Thanks man,

Please withhold the name and stuff.

You’re overthinking things. You’re so consumed with looking like a stud and not shooting quick that your head is messing with your other head and thus, you don’t shoot at all.

Look, jacking off is no barometer to tell if you are “healthy”… the jack off is quick, short hand jerks where your hips and pelvis don’t move. When your with a girl, you actually have to put your whole body into it… and, unless you’re either extremly selfish or extremely huge, there are all sorts of angles and concerns involved in making sure she gets off too. 

Plus… well, if she gets TOO into it and over… umm… over-humps, then your pee pee slips out and, depending on who’s on top, she either lands on it straight on or you plunge it into a wall of skin and bone… which HURTS…. and effectively ruins the mood for a few moments.

Man, it sucks having a small one… but I digress.

The best way to hedge your bets and get the goo flying is to abstain from masterbating for a few days prior to your next date… then you’ll be right and properly primed for a monster blast off. You need to let the pressure build, son. Stay away from your crotch for a while. You’ll shoot… it’ll be quick, but you’ll shoot, you’ll feel much better, and then you can work on technique and stuff. 

Okay, now we get into a more serious situation… 

Here’s a guide to life question that would really make me feel great if you could help… I am so torn. I just moved to Japan and felt kind of alone with no lady, so I joined an online dating site to try to find someone. It turned out to be great and I met TONS of ladies (being a trilingual white guy helps), but one in particular was REALLY into me. She is smart, beautiful, young (21, not underage of course)… Seriously, a dream in every way. The only problem is, she lives in Korea and I only go there once a year or so, so I couldn’t let myself get too attached. I’m not interested in going down the long distance path again.

The thing is, she is SO into me, she is trying trying to get my attentions to be with her. We MSN and Skype all the time, and over time she starts sending me nude pics, and telling me that she wants to finish school and move to Japan to be with me. Get married, have a family, everything. She was saving herself for me… We end up having cybersex most nights. She had never had sex before, or even kissed a guy before, but she was so eager to give me all she could. All this time, I kind of like her, but I CAN’T let myself fall for her because she is so far.

Here’s the thing, recently (like, a week ago) my apartment’s internet went out for a few days and I could not contact her except by air mail. So, when it comes back yesterday, she tells me that she “cheated on me”. It seems that when we couldn’t contact, she was so lonely and went to one of her male friends who liked her… She was so sad, and just wanted to make out…

…He raped her.

She was too shy to go to the hospital or the police, and so now it might be too late and she could be pregnant or have an STD. Even as of this writing, her vagina hasn’t stopped bleeding and she is afraid there might be permanent damage. (She was tighter than the normal Asian virgin, and he was incredibly violent.) I convinced her to go to a hospital but she refuses to go until tomorrow morning, days after the incident.

So now I am dealing with 2 things. First, I am really feeling that the rape is my fault. I know it isn’t, but I just feel that I let her depend on me so much when I knew I couldn’t give her everything she needed. Second, now, I find myself feeling SO MUCH FOR HER… Suddenly, she is so important to me… I think that I have loved her but hid it from myself and now it is coming out. The idea of providing everything for her is consuming me. Honestly, I have almost constantly been crying for her since she told me what happened to her. At the same time, her interest in me has dropped to nothing and she seems to have been shocked into a life of romantic and sexual solitude.

I learned one lesson out of all of this, which is now there is NO doubt that Koreans are assholes. My first girlfriend was Korean and her family forced her into a Korean “meditation center” (cult) to keep her from having a white boyfriend, and now this girl was raped by a Korean military officer. If nothing else, I know now to stay away from them as far as dick interests.

The kicker… At the same time, I have been contacting a girl here in Japan who is just as great, and who UNTIL this incident I had more interest in than the Korean. (Although she was never as into me as the Korean was). The Japanese girl is flying in to stay with me for a week next month in what almost assuredly could end up being a great relationship at the best and a fun week of sex and such at the least.

But please, help me in this situation… I am really falling for this girl who only a week ago devoted herself to me and my great desire at the moment is to love and help her, but another is coming my way for what will be less stress, more sex, and less distance, but the desire just isn’t there…

What the FUCK should I do?

-(MOTHERFUCKING) Troubled in Tokyo

Hmm… this all stems from guilt and pity.

You do feel guilty, but at least you recognize that there is no reason why you should, but you do because dammit, you are a human being WITH a soul.

What I would do is tell the Japanese girl to stay home. Postpone the plans a little while. I don’t know you, but I have a suspicion that you won’t have nearly as much fun with her as you COULD because you’re head will be messed up from the Korean girl’s problems.

Yeah, tell the Jap girl to stay home while you get over your guilt. And it IS guilt… nothing more. No hidden, secret feelings that suddenly bubbled up. You just pity the poor thing. After a while, you’ll recover and then you can have a party with the funtime Geisha.

I also think the Korean girl will eventually, if she hasn’t already, start talking to you less and less frequently. She’s got a whle lot of issues of her own now that is currently leaving a MESS of psychotic scarring. The girl is gonna be f*cked up for a long, long time… whether you want to help her deal with it from a few countries away is up to you. I think though, you’ll be spending weeks and weeks wondering where she is and doing some fretting of your own over it.

But DO NOT GO FIND HER… no… stay out of that mess.

And finally…

How exactly do you keep yourself from making significant others pay for the sins of those who came before them?

On top of that, how do you steer yourself out of a nosedive of self-destruction?


1: Grow up and remember that the “significant other” didn’t do a damn thing to you other than like/fall in love with you… and be grateful for it. Unless you really don’t even like the “significant other” then you let her go and find someone who will appreciate her.

2: You really can’t. We’re all slaves to our own demons, in the end. In case you didn’t know, our demons have a scientific name… they’re called “DNA” and there is no escape from it’s power. You’ll crash out for a few years, then you’ll either die or get sick of it and regroup. That’s the usual routine.

Although I have heard that getting real tight with God makes for an acceptable crutch… you’ll annoy the shit out of everyone, but at least you won’t hurt yourself.

And we’re done. I would have something snippy to say here, but… well, even my closing thoughts are starting to burn out. Will I recover, get a second wind, and continue this for another 7 years or will I just stop showing up as the rasslin’ audience is dying and not even the slow, sure web stylings of Dave Meltzer can seem to turn it around?

How the hell do I know? I go week to week here.

This is Hyatte