The Midnight News 08.01.05
hyatte | July 31, 2005 | Archive | 0 Comments
So, like, I was looking around the internet, and found.. uh… this…
Hmmmm… bitch is like a full on model. And she’s 34C. Or was. I’m not sure if she pumped her tits full of helium or what. I’m bored.
The pic is Melina, of course. The tits are pumped up, of course. Her teeth have been straightened, of course, the mustache has been waxed, of course…
She’s Hispanic, so she knows the joys of the Dirty Sanchez… of course.
Meet the Diva of the Future. Melina’s here to stay.
Speaking of ladies, here’s a note from a girl I know to a mutaul friend… well, to Flea, because all my girls go to Flea to ask about me…
hyatte is such a piece of ass. he does a hell of alot better when he doesnt try so desperately hard. im telling you this why? i have no idea. he isn’t here i guess. i would also like to add that he is the one biggest asshole i know to offer enough credibility to being such …. an asshole!
My future second ex-wife.
Ahh, the ol’ Hyatte charm just reels them in… and the ol’ Hyatte personality drives them far, far away
Hey Studbunnies, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. We are now halfway through the trainwreck that is The Summer of Hyatte and man, am I getting frickin’ TIRED of this crap… but I made a commitment and I’m sticking to it… screw it… let this be my legacy! “Tis better to fade away than burn out… and take as many assholes out with you as you go down!
I actually have a jammed packed newscolumn this week, which is strange since no one died this week. There isn’t even much real news out there… but I found some anyway… nothing RELEVANT… but a damn fine line-up. Rock-em, sock-em, bad boy… off we go
HE JUST WON’T GO AWAY!!!
From a couple of weeks ago in this very column…
Hey Hyatte, Just wanted to let you know that Vince Russo owns a cd and dvd store here in Marietta, Georgia, where I live. I went by there the other day, cause I’m a huge fan-boy, and said hey, bought a couple of movies. I told him that I missed having him do what he did. After saying thanks, he proceeded to tell me that he was about to close the store and try to start running shows again. I don’t know if he has any major plans, or if he’s just trying to start something small time, but if i had a guess, i’d say small. Anyway, i just wanted to let you know, i have been reading you since the scoops days, and miss the mop-up! But i just figured if i was going to tell anyone, it’d have to be you. Oh, and i f*cked your mom. While you were in her. I think you tugged on my dick. Fag.
Mouthy little bitch had it right!
Much like Jesus, who is apparently has to listen to his whiny bullshit, Vince Russo has risen from the dead… again.
But UNLIKE Jesus, who had the decency to do it once and then vanish, Russo just keeps rising and rising and rising…
Hey kids, where can you find such… err… Superstars as Jim Mitchell, AJ Styles, Elix Skipper, Glen Gilberti, Abyss, Sonny Siaki, Chris Harris, and Kim Neilson? TNA? HA! Yeah right…
Why, you can find them at Vince Russo’s God Approved NEW rasslin’ “company”… the RING OF HONOR… ERR… GLORY!!
Yes, the Ring of Ho… GLORY, is Wrestling the way God WANTED it to be! Where the wrestlers “gig” and spill the blood of Christ THROUGH them… they don’t use razors to juice, THEY HAVE ACTUAL THORNS TAPED TO THEIR WRISTS!! JUST LIKE JESUS!
The theory is, of course, that is Christ just knew how to apply the DDT, if he just slapped the Figure Four on those no good Jews… then his hon… GLORY would be shining on us TODAY!
And if Vinnie Ru can make a few more bucks out of this business that he DESPISES so much… more power to Him.
WHAT is Ring of Glory (because there is no “Honor” with God… “Honor” is pride and that sends you straight to hell… plus Rob Feinstein helped create Ring of Honor… go there and burn in the eternal Lake of Fire… go with Glory and be SAVED)? Well here’s the manifesto… the New Testament of Professional Wrestling:
For over 50 years, professional wrestling has been the staple of sports-entertainment throughout the United StatesÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âas well as the world. The marriage of colorful characters with comic book-like storylines, has made the squared circle the place to be. But, as the turn of the century came something happened that would bring the “cult” following of professional wrestling from the back closetÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âto the forefront of American culture. It was during this time that the concept of “attitude” was injected into the script, turning the turnbuckle fantasy into the harsh, drastic realities of society.
Within three years, sports entertainmentÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âled by the World Wrestling FederationÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âbecame the backbone of programming for cable television. Over 20 million people would tune in per week to see just how far the envelope was going to be pushed. Soon wrestling not only took over the airwavesÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âbut the entire imagination of America. Professional wrestling/sports entertainment became the craze, as it set the standards of pop-culture into the millennium. This once soap opera for men was now being experience by addicts of both sexes and all ages.
The “Attitude” of professional wrestling became a reflection of the day’s society. The key was to give the people what they wantedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âviolence, sex, nudity, R-rated storylines, vulgarity, low morals and zero values. The WWF fed it . . . and the people devoured it. The person behind the spoon was head writer, Vince Russo. Russo started with the WWF as a magazine writer and worked his way up to the point of not only creating the television for the Federation, but helping to shape the culture of America along the way.
Then, in October of 2003, Vince Russo gave his life to Jesus Christ. The old was gone . . . and the new had come. Now, with a transformed “attitude” ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âthere was a new story to be written; one that would not only impact society . . . but also impact eternity.
Realizing that pro wrestling always depended upon the story of “good vs. evil”, the ministry of “Ring of Glory” was conceived using the timeless principles of Jesus’ greatest witnessing toolÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âthe parable. In conjunction with the powerful storytelling, “Ring of Glory” is a ministry focused on attracting the lost through the combination of athleticism and evangelism to tell the most powerful story ever told . . . the uncompromised message of Jesus Christ. “Ring of Glory” utilizes the best athletes in the world showcasing their talents in order to clear the way for the message. The characters, the story, the message, all coincide with each other to firmly deliver the word of God . . . pointing all people to Jesus Christ.
“Ring of Glory” is not just another wrestling show. From alpha to omega this ministry is committed to empowering and transforming people at their point of need. It is more than entertaining themÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âwe want to impact their lives through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. By winning the lost, equipping the local church and impacting communities, we will give all the glory to the One who gave so much to us.
Ugh… suddenly, Tom Cruise doesn’t seem all that ridiculous when he goes on about Scientology!
Of course, because not even the love of GOD can attract people back to Russo, he had to sweeten the deal by including on the site… for the first time EVER… HIS side of the Greatest Story Ever (thatnoonecaresaboutanylonger) Told… the (wcwdesperateversionoftheBret/Shawn/Montrealincident) Russo/Hogan Bash at the Beach SHOOT… bear witness, children, and be SAVED:
Here’s the story I laid out to both Eric and Hulk.
I said, “If you want this to look like a shootÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âlet’s make it look like a shoot. Let’s try thisÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI walk into the building tonight and I find out that Hulk Hogan is playing his “creative control” card and refuses to do the job to Jeff Jarrett. NowÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âif as a shoot that was the caseÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âthis is how Vince Russo would react–I would go to Jeff, who is my friend, tell him what was going onÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âand then direct him to lay down for Hogan in the middle of the ring the minute the bell rang. Being ringside I would then tell Hogan, `ThereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âyou have exactly what you wantÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âcover him and take your precious belt.’ Now HoganÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Ânot having many optionsÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âwould cover JarrettÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âtake the beltÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âbecause that’s what he really wantedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âand then leave. However, in order to work the boys in the back, making EVERYBODY believe this was a shoot–the story had to go one step further–Hogan would be so upset that I showed him up that he would go in the backÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âget BischoffÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âhis friendÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âand the two of them would leave the building in a huff. I explained to Hulk that that part of the story was vital, because in order for me to get to the main event between Jeff and Booker I had to go back out to the ring later in the eveningÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âcut a scathing (my exact word) promo on Hogan saying that he can keep his beltÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âbecause that belt didn’t mean anythingÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âthere would be a “real” Championship match tonight and it would be between Booker T. and Jeff Jarrett for the “real” WCW Title. NowÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âthat part of the story is crucial because in order for this to look like a shoot to the boysÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂBischoff and Hogan had to leave the building (which they did) because if they were still in it when I cut the promo on HoganÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âthen Hulk would have had to come out and KILL me!
After I laid this out to HulkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âwith Eric thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âhe looked at me wide-eyed and said, “I like it.” He then said, “Yeah, and then I could have one belt, and Booker could have the other and we could go from there.” Now again, all I was concerned about that night was what we had written as a committee. Being that I had just come up with this on the fly, I had no idea where we could go with this. So I told Hulk, “We’ll talk about where we go with thisÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI’ll call you tomorrow.”
From there I found Jeff and I completely worked him. I told him that Hulk didn’t want to do the job for him and he needed to just go out there and lay down for Hogan. Jeff was furiousÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI had never seen him so mad. Man, it was tough working JeffÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âmy friendÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âbut keep in mind, Hulk, Eric and myself had all agreed that we were going to work the boys in order to make this come off as “real” as possible. So the match went downÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âjust like the three of us discussedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂJeff wasn’t in on anything. After the 1-2-3 Hogan took the belt, found Eric and the two stormed out of the building. The boys were buying this hook, line and sinker. From there I went out to the ring and cut that “scathing” promo that Hulk and I had discussed earlier. The whole reason for the promo was to get to the Jeff/Booker match. It was my job to tie it all together and make it all make sense. That’s all I cared aboutÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI just wanted to get to the main eventÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âlike we had plannedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âwith it all making sense.
Just an aside: If you remember my character in WCW, every time I went out in front of the people I ALWAYS wore a New York jersey. Well, it you remember that night I wore a San Francisco Giants jerseyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âsomething totally out of character for meÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âagain, that was all part of the “shoot”ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âbeing that I didn’t have a New York jersey on this timeÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âit had to be real!!! That’s how closely I looked at this “angle”.
Well, the next day everybody was talking about itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âand everybody was believing it. It was incredible. Even I didn’t think the boys could be worked like that. The next day I pulled Jeff aside and told him what really happenedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI just had a real hard time working him when he was right in the middle of it. It’s funny, but Jeff really didn’t seem that surprised. Being a veteran of the business and seeing just about everythingÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂJeff took it in stride and didn’t seemed “shocked” by any of it.
If I made a single mistake throughout this entire incidentÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âhere it wasÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI never called Hogan back the next day like I told him I would. Why? Because we were at Nitro and I had no idea where to go with the story. I just didn’t have the time to think it through. In other words if I called himÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI just didn’t know what to tell himÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âso I just didn’t callÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âmy badÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âhindsight being 20/20 I should have.
When we got back to the office from TV I meet with Brad Siegel and told him what happened. I also told Brad that I hadn’t called Hulk yet because I didn’t know what to tell him. I wasn’t sure where to go with this. At that point Brad told me that financially we just couldn’t afford to use Hulk Hogan right now so I should just think about going on with the story without him.
SoÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI never called Hulk back. If it were today I would haveÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI would have been honest with him and told him what Brad had told meÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âbut at the time . . . I just didn’t think it was in my place. Was it a cop-out? Maybe? But at the time—there was no way that I was thinking clearlyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âthe truth isÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI was probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
You all know the rest of the story. A few days later I was hit with a defamation of character lawsuit by Hulk Hogan, claiming that he knew nothing about the interview beforehand that I cut on him in the ring. He claimed that I went in business for myself and he had no knowledge that I was going to do it.
So there you have itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âmy sideÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âto one of the greatest mysteries of all time. In closing, I would just like to add something that I said many times before the incidentÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âand many times after–growing up I was a huge fan of Hulk Hogan, the fact is that wrestling would have neverÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂNEVERÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âreached the heights it did without him. That translates into thisÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âwithout Hulk Hogan Vince Russo would have never achieved what he did in the wrestling business because in my opinion the wrestling business would have probably not even existed. Hulk Hogan paved the way for meÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âand many, many others. I can’t thank him enough for that. I’ve said on many occasions that I would work together with Hulk Hogan in a heartbeatÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âand I mean that. With the lawsuitÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI totally understand where he was coming fromÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI was never shocked by it because I know why it happenedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂbutÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂI wish that we could both put it behind us. I wish that one day I would be able to thank him for making my career in wrestling possibleÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂbutÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Âthat is up to him.
Aha… so it was a WORK… except Jarrett thought it was a SHOOT!
This is why Jesus ain’t coming back anytime soon.
When asked to comment, in an EXCLUSIVE MIDNIGHT NEWS HOT MONEY INTERVIEW… God had this to say:
Oy vey, that little Italian dickface just won’t leave it alone! I may not take him in just because he’s so ANNOYING. For MySon’ssake. I don’t even like wrestling. Every time I catch it I seriously consider wiping you pusbags out and letting the rats and cockroaches have a turn. Benoit is an asshole too and Nash rules
So speaketh the Lord.
Vince Russo… why do we get damned just so he can try to save wrestling… yet again?
SHOOT TO KILL
In case you didn’t notice… Dave Scherer is shitting in his pants.
See, lately WWE.com has been dabbling into real life stories and adding them to the site, creating a kayfabe-breaking environment for them… it started with the Matt Hardy/Lita “Byte This” show, continued with Brock Lesnar’s showing up at WWE headquarters to discuss a new contract, continued with a bunch of fired wrestlers giving site interviews, and continued with the very recent announcement that Chris Jericho re-signed a contract extension just a couple of hours after (NOTED Insider who knows more about the inside of the business than YOU) Wade Keller SWORE UP AND DOWN that he heard Jericho was leaving the company.
This new approach has gotten Dave Scherer FUMING mad… a scared SHITLESS.
Just from the last WEEK worth of “Daily Lariat”‘s we see the following snippy little comments made by Scherer and aimed directly at wwe.com:
–From WWE.com: “WWE.com has learned that Brock Lesnar has met with his attorney, David Olsen, to discuss the written contract offer Lesnar received last week from World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. It is unclear when the contract will be signed. The terms were not disclosed.”
Wow, I wonder if Brock will sign it or not?
–I find it very interesting that WWE has chosen to use the web site to refute/clarify internet stories. To me, the site is one of the most interesting things about the company since it’s such a paradox. Sometimes, they work. Sometimes, they shoot. You never really know for sure what you are going to get there.
–In the latest follies of the WWE “are we gonna work or are we gonna shoot” website, they posted the following last night:
–WWE.com just posted the following:
“Reliable sources have informed WWE.com that Muhammad Hassan will be out indefinitely as a result of the Last Ride delivered to him by the Undertaker at The Great American Bash. At this point, it is doubtful that he will return to action.
“Reliable sources”? Uh, you are the company website. You don’t NEED sources! Like I said the other day, WWE needs to decide if they want to shoot or work on their website.
–WWE really needs to decide if they want to use the web to do shoot stories or these worked ones. They can’t do both and expect people to believe their “shoot” stories.
OOO, someone’s SNIPPY…
WHY is Scherer frightened? WHY is he so pissy about the WWE.com’s new “shootish” attitude?
Well, Dave meltzer and Wade Keller use the net as a TOOL to sell their rags… Meltzer has his base membership and his reputation that guarentees he’ll be doing the Observer as his sole career for as long as he wants he’s the news sheetwriter. Keller has everyone conned that he has actual quality writers, so he’ll be set for life as the opinion sheetwriter.
Scherer doesn’t use the net as a tool. He uses the net to make a living.
So what if wwe.com suddenly starts reporting the PWInsider “inside” stories first? FOR FREE. Who would want to PAY Dave Scherer for news they can get at wwe.com for free…. with higher quality… and Interviews…. and pictures?
Suddenly, Dave Scherer will be forced to go back to delivering Coca-Cola.
I hate Dave Scherer and just about everyone I know/read hates him too. The boys at the Torch can’t stand him. Meltzer laughs at him. He’s an arrogant, miserable old fart who is pissed because ECW shut down and he can’t get in free anymore…. his site sucks, his audio shows are of the poorest quality, he’s endlessly amused by his own jokes and he is constantly screaming about how every other site rips off his news.
Imagine what would happen if wwe.com went full ouit and started REALLY breaking kayfabe? Imagine what would happen if they opened a pure shoot site… wwe.com already had 5 times as much traffic as PWInsider… imagine if they started bringing in the hardcore marks with FREE NEWS???
Why, much like the man himself, Scherer’s PWInsider would become obsolete.
Dear WWE.com…. DO IT! PLEASE!!! YOU WILL WIN OVER MORE HARCORE FANS BY DESTROYING SCHERER’S LIVELIHOOD THAN YOU EVER DREAMED POSSIBLE!
You’re so close… you are THIS CLOSE to pulling the trigger and putting ALL of these insider f*cks down. Do it. Beat them at their own game! End this and take over the Internet crowd!
You KNOW its tempting. Get Vince to say yes. Do it! Kill the old dickhead!
Oh, if they go all out… it’ll be so AWESOME.
Oh… and the PWInsider Elite pass I’ve been using is no longer viable. If SOMEONE out there would mind letting me use THEIR membership… as a token for years of free… FREE servitude… and to thank me for The Summer of Hyatte, it would be greatly appreciated.
Plus “Trish” used to use mine… and she wants me to get a new one too. Come on… I might get a blowjob out of the deal. Help a brother out!
It’ll be so great watching Scherer fall… might make me decide to stick around for a while longer!
I’D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
It takes a lot for America to want you DEAD!…
But by God we’ll FEED YOU FIRST!!
Been a’while since I did this… and it’s well liked, so here it is again.
The following are a list of final meals taken by inmates before they rode the
Prisoner #778682… John Wayne Gacy killed 05/10/94 (Illinois): a dozen deep-fried shrimp, a bucket of original recipe chicken from KFC, french fries, a pound of strawberries (Ugh… Deep dish… I hope they gave him a SPOON to go with that soup on a crust. Deep dish pizza, possibly the biggest bungle in Chicago history since they let the Irish and Poles take over)
Prisoner #976… Richard Beavers killed 05/10/94 (Texas): six pieces of french toast with butter and syrup, six barbecued spare ribs, six “well-burnt” pieces of bacon, four scrambled eggs, five “well-cooked” sausage patties, french fries with ketchup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, four cartons of milk. (Brother went and set himself up a BUFFET, yo! He was making DAMN sure the guards would get a few handfuls of shit when getting him out of his undies!)
Prisoner #455 … Thomas J. Grasso killed 03/20/95 (Oklahoma): before getting the needle, makes a statement: “I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.” (Man… no wonder he killed twenty nuns… he was ALWAYS getting f*cked over by THE MAN!!)
Prisoner #833478… Lonnie Weeks Jr. killed 09/05/99 (unknown): oven-fried chicken, rice pilaf, cucumber and onion salad, bread and margarine (Now we’re talking… nothing tastier than a good bowl of fluffy, buttery PILAF!!)
Prisoner #546… Joe Trevino killed 08/18/05 (Texas): fried chicken, salad dressing with Italian dressing, raw carrots and cucumbers, watermelon, strawberry milkshake (Fried Chicken? Watermelon? Don’t need a picture to tell that this boy didn’t need the chair to brown up his skin tone)
Prisoner #657… Alan Willett killed 09/08/99 (Arkansas): beef jerky, barbecue-flavored potato chips, onion dip, garlic dip, buttered popcorn, Pepsi. (before getting the needle, makes a statement “I did not get my Sour Cream and Chives Potato chips. I want the press to know this.” Rat bastard screws… probably ate them as he fried)
Prisoner #890… Timothy McVeigh killed 06/10/02 (Indiana): two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream (awww…. they should have pardoned the little rascal)
Prisoner #778682… Amos King killed 02/26/03 (Florida): Requested Thai food, but was denied because he had previously been served three “last” meals and eaten two of them (Heh… fat slob… to the end he tried to take a mile when given an inch).
Prisoner #976… Cedric Ransom killed 07/23/03 (Texas): declined a last meal. (He held his waistline up for RANSOM!! GET IT??? THE WIT IS BACK, YOU FRUITASSES!! HYATTE RULES!!)
Prisoner #455 … Henry Lee Hunt killed 09/12/03 (North Carolina): medium Domino’s pizza with pepperoni, hamburger, canadian bacon, sausage, onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, Coke (In lieu of a tip, the delivery boy got to flip the switch.)
Prisoner #833478… Edward Hartman killed 10/03/03 (North Carolina): Greek salad, linguini with white clam sauce, garlic bread, cheesecake with cherry topping, Coke (Now you can tell Ed was white! Who else would eat such a classy meal?)
Oh… right… this is a wrestling column… oh okay…
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX MRS TRISH HYATTE
She’ll be back after Summerslam, and she won’t be messing with Lita/Edge/Matt Hardy OR gaining some sort of revenge on Viscera.
No, she’ll be in an actual program with the incoming Alexis Laree!!
That’s right, she’ll actually be WRESTLING.
In other news, I’ll be pretty much completely out of bodily fluids approxiamately 3 minutes after she makes her return to Raw…
You KNOW you’ve missed the hot little Canuck minx.
(card subject to change)
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true… more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…
If HBK puts over that bastard clean, I’m done watching. If they were smart they would bring Hebner back, have HBK screw him out of a win and then retire. So Hogan can pull what’s left of his hair out knowing he’ll never get “his win” back…like he did with Warrior. I hope he breaks what’s left of his hip doing that stupid leg drop. Fucking Hogan. Who in their right minds CHEERS a BACKRAKE? His next promo, answering Michaels “pseudo shoot” will be brother, dude, whatcha, you know and probably Hogan Knows Best. I hope Randy Savage shoots him in the face and then f*cks his daughter. The man is a genius.
Flea: who not only interrupted my game of Pac-Man, but would have CONTINUED to interrupt me if I didn’t block his ass.
After all that, he calls Hogan a genius… HA! I love that man.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.
Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. HornyforBamMagera, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a supporter of Rob Feinstein too, you PERVERT!!
Triple H Is Better Than You Because…
Even when he isn’t training hard… even when he has gone “soft”, he’ll still kick your ass, your daddy’s ass, your crazy Uncle’s ass, and then buttrape your momma and MAKE YOU WATCH
THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
Special feature, kids… ten classic cuts from the finest two-man team that isn’t named “Monsoon and Heenan”… if only to remind you how good they once were when they weren’t under pressure to A: put over Coach and B: put over these angles…
Come back with me and marvel at the chemistry that is Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler (with a cameo appearence from Vince McMahon)
01): Trish looks good, but careful JR, you shouldnt have you’re hand on the mantle when the fire is burning.– Lawler
What the hell does that mean?– Ross: Insurrextion ’02
02): He’s pulled out a ladder? WHAT’S THE LADDER FOR?– Lawler as Jeff Hardy pulled out a ladder from under the ring
What’s the ladder for… aww he’s gonna paint his garage!– Ross
03): Honky Tonk Man could beat anyone in this building!!!– Lawler
What are you? His Cousin??– Ross
04): Have you been approached to be Sable’s partner?– Ross
Well not WRESTLING wise– Lawler
Easy now!– Ross
Hey, I can’t help it if I’m a love machine.– Lawler
05): He comes from a family of wrestlers, his Daddy was the great Lynn “Kojack” Shelley– Jim Ross on Eric Shelley
So his father was bald too, right?– Lawler
Oh, no kidding!– McMahon
You’re right on it, King– Ross: Raw ’97
06): What are they wearing? They look like idiots!– Lawler on the Headbangers
Yeah, it’s almost as silly as a grown man wearing a CROWN!– Ross
07): Mr. McMahon is the most honest, straightforward man that I have ever worked for! – Jerry Lawler
More honest than Jerry Jarrett?? How dare you!– Jim Ross: Raw ’99
08): He flew out of the ring like he was shot out of a cap gun!– Lawler on Max Mini
You used that line last night…HENNY!– Ross on the Raw following a PPV featuring Max Mini (DUH)
09): The McMahons have been married for 34 years, King– Ross
34 years?? That’s longer than I’ve been alive– Lawler
10): Come on King, the three or four decades you’ve been in this business, you know you can’t use the ropes! JR
Of course you can. Why are they there for?– Lawler: Backlash ’02
And as a bonus treat, I pulled the following CLASSIC oput from the archives:
11): Buchanon is so damn big. He weighed in today at about 3 and a quarter. It’s all muscle!– Ross
What size is his head?– Lawler
I don’t know. I didn’t get into that.– Ross
(silence as Ross possibly gives Lawler a little ear full off mic)
You think it’s funny that I prepare for a broadcast?– Ross
I just… ha ha… can’t imagine…– Lawler
What did YOU this afternoon? Go to a MALL?– Ross
… eight and three quarters…heh… eight and three inches head… WHO CARES?– Lawler
Well, YOU call yourself a King. That’s what I’m saying, WHO CARES?– Ross
(Ross was clearly in a huff as Lawler tried to change topics)
Speaking of heads, what do you think is going through Vince’s head right now? What do you think HE’s thinking about?– Lawler
Something evil. Something sinister..– Ross
Why do you keep…– Lawler
Something to make the Rock and the Undertaker’s life a living HELL.– Ross
Why are you so NEGATIVE? What has Vince done to YOU?– Lawler
Fired me twice. Anything else you want to go into?– Ross
Remember when he invested everyone’s pension plans at the racetracks?– Lawler
WHAT?– Ross: Raw ’98
Now THAT is some funny shit.
Now usually, I’ll do a quick final segment before sending you all toddering off to wherever you little scamps toddle off too, but not this week… not while we are smack dab in the middle of The Summer of Hyatte!! Oh HELL no!!
Oh, wait a sec… I re-formatted everything… I AM ending things with a quickie…
THE BIGGEST HULK-A-MANIACS OF THEM ALL…
On their latest audio show, Bruce Mitchell and Wade Keller loudly bitched at Hulk Hogan for forcing his children into the spotlight all to feed his undying THIRST for fame and headlines. How do they know this? Well Keller, because he’s a f*cking GENIUS, picked up on Brooke’s true desire just to be a normal kid on that Hogan Knows best show… although I am pretty sure that Keller himself has no offspring of his own to gauge Brooke’s reaction off of… just like I’m reasonably sure Keller has never had sex before…. with a woman at least.
And it occured to me that Hogan is EVERYONE’S favorite whipping boy… want to scream bloody murder about someone instead of Triple H or anyone named McMahon? Go to Hogan! Hogan is a glorydog. Hogan is a rat fink. HOGAN HELD EVERYONE DOWN FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL BENEFIT!! EVERYONE HATES HOGAN BUT NO ONE WILL ADMIT IT!! NO ONE BUT US!! THE REAL FANS!!! THE MELTZER FANS!!! THE…. INSIDE FANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever stopped… stopped for two f*cking seconds and thought that the “Inside fans”… the IWC… and all the f*cking creep-ass jackf*ck writersa who you follow are a bunch of ignorant cocksuckers?
Ask any wrestler… any one… young or old… ask them who they want headlining a card they are on… they’ll ALL say “Hogan when he’s hot”
Hogan fills buildings when he’s hot… he ALWAYS fills buildings when he’s hot… and he gets hot more times than ANYONE ELSE…
Hogan makes the boys in the locker room money. He almost single handidly helped WCW make more money then they ever thought possible… NOT Flair… HOGAN.
Think I’m wrong? If Hogan didn’t help WCW’s initial momentum in 1994, Bischoff would NOT have been given the greenlight to throw gobs of money at hall, Nash, and everyone else.
How many veterans of the 80’s own homes because they worked the same cards as Hogan in the WWF? How many of the boys put their kids through college because they worked the houses under Hogan? How many of the boys found it easy to get a pop because the fans were primed for The Hulkster’s main event match?
ALL OF THEM!!! ALL OF THEM!!
Ask any one of those Ring of Honor boys if they would DEMEAN themselves… and SOIL their chosen career by working the same night as Hogan worked when Hogan was hot… you think Samoa Joe wouldn’t like a nice payday for a night’s work?
Ask any fan off the street… anyone… would they go to a card if Paul London was headlining? Fuck it, would they go to a card where Chris Benoit was headlining? SHIT no. Ask them if they want to see Hulk Hogan work. Even non-fans would say yes.
Hogan draws. When he’s hot, he draws.
ASK ANY GODDAM INDY WORKER WHO GOT SCREWED OVER BY AN OILY PROMOTER!! ASK ANY MID-CARDER WHO FEELS THAT VINCE STIFFFED THEM ON A PPV CHECK!! ASK ANY EX-ECW GUY WHO PLAYED BASKETBALL WITH A PAUL HEYMAN CHECK!! ASK THEM IF THEY ADMIRE HOGAN FOR BEING ONE OF THE FEW WORKERS WHO HAS THE ABILITY TO DICTATE TO THE PROMOTER WHAT HE WILL AND WILL NOT DO!! They will ALL say yes!!
The biggest Hulk-A-Maniacs of them all are in the locker room. HBK is going to lay down for the Hulkster because Hogan controls the crowd and makes them his bitches with total ease.
These net douchebags… YOU douchebags think you know what Hulk Hogan is all about and many of these writers actively LOOK, real hard for reasons to bitch about the guy. It’s because Hogan never did for these people what he did for every coi-worker he ever shared a locker room with… or shared a card with…
He made the boys money… and earned their respect. Something you whiny little faggots will never get.
You can all get cancer of the penis and die, die, DIE…
This is Hyatte