1) I never read Chris Zimmerman until you started your little feud with
him; he's a strong writer, but not nearly as funny. Jay Kirrell, on the other
hand, is neither a good writer or funny
2) Do you have any idea how absolutely boring Dave Gagnon is?
3) I've forced myself to glance occasionally at Zimmerman's stuff. It's like going from eating filet mignon to fish sticks. I'd rather starve
4) If there won't be any more, let me know so I can quit giving scoops the hits..those other so-called writers arenít worth my time.
5) I've had to read Zimmerman two weeks in a row!!!!!!!
Must have Mop-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6) HEY HYATTE, HOW IS IT KNOWING THAT I GOT YOU KICKED OFF THE INTERNET.
HOW DO SPELL U-N-E-M-P-L-O-Y-M-E-N-T, YOU DICKLICK!
you are an ass
7) Dave Gagnon (sp?) is ripping you off..BIG TIME, and Ryder is again going off how much better WCW is than food, water, sex, or Dave's daughter
8) CRZ for the past 2 weeks just doesn't do it.
9) Hey Hyatte, you human blowjob...
For the past 2 weeks, you've been nowhere to be found. Where the hell am I
supposed to see the f**king results? Wrestlemaniacs?
10) I exist only because Hyatte allows it!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Betícha ASS!!!!!! THIS is the Mop-Up and I AM Chris. Two weeks...Two weeks you people have had to deal with poor substitutes, blatant rip offs, weak ass attempts at humor that comes nowhere NEAR the line I cross over, and general sweatiness over my whereabouts...well sweat no more! I am F&$%$ING BACK YOU DOUCHEBAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more bullcrap...No more delays...BY GOD!!! NO MORE DEALING WITH WANNABES WHO THINK THEY CAN EVEN TOUCH MY ASS!!!!!!!!! The KING is back..LONG LIVE THE GODDAM KING!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now to explain myself. Be warned guys..this is gonna be a DOOZY......make sure you have the time to get through this.....
Okay, first of all, I DO have a job, other than writing this column. Itís a good job....not the most lucrative...but good enough to get me a recent promotion and raise. In fact, itís a COOL job. Iím not going to tell you what it is, mostly because itís none of your fu**ing business, but itís a 40+ hour week thing that keeps a roof over my head. Got that?
Okay, for the last few weeks, Iíve been doing some side work with my cousin. This work entailed chopping down trees, splitting them into loadable pieces, loading them, driving to various houses, chopping them up into more "user friendly" pieces, then stacking them in the customerís porch, garage, basement, or wherever they wish to see them stacked for the Winter. See where Iím getting at?
If not, then Iíll wrap it up....take the regular job, couple that with this temporary wood chopping/loading/choppingsomemore/then stacking business that made me a BOATLOAD of coin...and what do you get?
Crappy columns from a dead tired Hyatte of course.
It was unreal, every night for the last six weeks, I came home so tired that I would usually end up crashing in my chair in front of the television....dead asleep. I missed Buffy, NYPD Blue (although I did see the last Jimmy Smits show..and DAMNED if I didnít cry when he died....frigginí pussy), Law & Order, Must See Thursday, and at least 3 RAWís (I did tape them thoí). Of course, Nitro puts me to sleep anyway, so that doesnít count. I just couldnít take it. Hell, I was so tired I didnít even jerk off for at least 9 days. So two weeks ago, I decided to take a week off....no problem....did it before, will probably do it again. Still with me?
Good. Now here comes last week...and I SWEAR I was geared to do it. I had the opener set up, the closer set up, and plenty of Patterson jokes to keep you homophobic marks happy. Things were all set to rock and roll and another week was just hours away from being in the can......
I slept through last Tuesday......almost completely. My body just turned itself off and caved in. It was 8:00 am, I was in front of the TV, ready to watch the taped RAW and Nitro when....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
Next thing I knew I woke up more tired than I have ever been in my life. It was 6 OíCLOCK IN THE P. FíKíN M. I crashed in my chair for 10 hours.....AND I WAS STILL EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!
So I went to bed, woke up the next day, and went to work. For the rest of the week, I totally ignored wrestling and the web. I FINISHED the wood work, and just rested up. It was great, I have to admit. There is a lot of pressure being the King of this goofy ass Net yíknow..it ainít all fun Ďní games and ragging on Sean Shannonís fat ass, Dave Schererís old ass, and NoSoulís gay ass. It was refreshing.
So, there you have it. Thatís the story. Every word of it is true. Nobody "chased me off" (like there is ANYBODY on this net who could do that...HA!), I wasnít "burnt out" and decided to take the advice of some loser columnist whoís entire mission in life is to be me, I wasnít dead, wounded, or fired (at least I hope not....more on that next paragraph). I was simply overworked and sleep deprived, and it caught up with me BIG TIME.
I have to apologize to someone now. Before I passed out Wednesday morning, I called Al Isaacs on the phone and personally told him that a fresh Mop-Up was on itís way....then I totally blew him off and left him hanging. It was a bullshit thing to do and Iím sorry Boss.....for real. Seeing how every trace of my name has been wiped off the SCOOPS site....I canít help but wonder if this column will ever see the light of day.....or if Iím totally sh*t-canned from this site....I guess Iíll find out when you all do.
Who is this Dave Gagnon anyway? I swear I never heard of him.
I HAVE heard of Ralphus (It IS him too) Bob Ryder, and his little "tirade" about this Crucifixion thing....well, just because itís been a while, and because you kids deserve to read a nice ass ripping.....the closer is ALL about Ralphus Ryder and his douchey little ways....bloody well why not....Iím in a good mood. As always though, that is at the bottom of this column.....we have a looooooong ways to go......because now....
To all you wannabe recappers out there.....fun time is OVER!! To all you web masters who thought it was safe to attack SCOOPS again.....GUESS AGAIN F**KNUTS!!!!! To EVERYONE and ANYONE who thought they could possibly take over my spot as the coolest sumbitch on this pussy filled world wide wide...F-YOURSELVES AND YOUR MOMMAíS!!!!!!!! For TWO weeks I sat back and let the marks run wild all over the place....WELL NOW ITíS OVER YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!!! El Moppo-Upo is back in town.....and Iím in the mood to offend EVERYONE.....God help you all.
Admit it....you missed this sh*t didnít you? DIDNíT YOU????
RAW IS WAR: (or Austin? We donít need no steenkin Austin! )
-opens with footage of Sunday nightís insomnia curing pay per view....that Canadian crowd sucked monster eggs that night.
-opening theme.....dumb asses, they should do like Nitro and put in the opening theme 20 minutes into the show...theyíll NEVER win the ratings if they keep putting the opening at the BEGINNING of the show.....Christ.
-Fireworks welcome us to Tacoma, Washington. Your announcers are Jerry Lawler and Michael COLE???? (Oh NO!!! NITRO WINS THE NIGHT...NITRO WINS THE NIGHT!!!!! THANK YOU...GOODNIGHT!!!!!)
-Incidentally, Ross isnít out because of headaches...nosiree...he eating a big fat suspension for not allowing RAW to film his Mommaís death....those crazy guys at RAW.....always looking to top themselves. Thank GOD Ross had the sense to say NO....Ralphus Ryderís head might have exploded.
-Not that Rossís Momma really IS dead...itís all a work....sheís due back at Wrestlemania.
-Anywhoo....DX theme music plays...the crowd pops....(they must be baked....lots of rain in Washington...PLENTY of moisture for some KILLER weed crops).
-Out comes DX...dressed as the Corporation....(Iíve been thinking about it...."McWO" really is a kind of sucky name...Iím glad it never caught on). It ran like this:
Triple H was dressed as the Rock.....he had bronze paint over his body, a raised eyebrow glued on, a WWF pretend belt over his shoulder, an open shirt, and a black nappy wig on.
X-Pac was dressed as Shamrock...he had a black wig on and fake pecs under a WWF Attitude shirt.
Road Dog was dressed as Vince McMahon...with a suit and wig. He had two midgets in suits and wigs behind him with their faces in his ass.....one of them had a sign for the "Brisco Body Shop" around his chest. The other one was supposed to be....well, hereís a hint..he was the one with the boner.
-oh geezus...maybe I should take off for another two weeks...is that the best I can come up with?
Bad Ass was dressed as Shane McMahon....with a suit, a wig, a big spoon in his hand, and he was wearing a diaper.
Chyna was dressed as Michael Jackson.....she even had Doctors alter her chin so she could really get into the role. Watta Gal!!
-Meanwhile, Cole was laughing a bit TOO hard....Lawler was trying real hard NOT to laugh.
-What I want to know is...Flair is inches away from death right now!!!! HOW CAN YOU WATCH THIS WHILE AN AMERICAN LEGEND IS BREATHING HIS LAST BREATH??? Heartless bastards.
-Since itís my job (sort of....heh heh), and since I care for you morons (well, some of you..the rest of you are pricks....you know who you are....dickheads)...Iíll transcribe this whole mess, even though itís eating away at my very valuable time and Iím not sure that this will ever see print....the script ran like this...
-McDog: "Cut....OUR music. First of all...Ladies and Gentlemen...let me make one thing.......perfectly clear mind you....I am NOT an asshole!" (The censors tried...Lord knows they tried...but someone prematurely ejaculated and hit the button too early...the word got out....I canít blame them thoí..when it comes to "premature ejaculation".....letís just say I can relate.....Oh Christ, can I relate.....TESTIFY!!!!)
-(back to) McDog: "...HA HA HAAA very good! Thatís right son! Shane, do you have poopies in your diaper?"
-Shane McAss: "No! No Doo Doo."
-Ick..if itís one thing I canít stand..itís toilet humor...
-speaking of which, I am quite proud of my dumps....one of them damn near clogged my toilet.....I peed on it to break it up. One of the cooler aspects of being a guy.
-McDog: "You see as the Chairperson and Owner of course, of the um..ah. World Wrestling Federation....I am both a Scholar and a Gentleman. I take GREAT offense when you people call me..a sphincter, or a starfish...because I am nothing less...then a Scholar...Ha ha haaaa."
-I have to interject......a STARFISH? What the Hell??? Did I miss something?
-Cole felt the need to point out, "Look King, Shane has a Silver Spoon!!!!" Then he roared in laughter...Damn you Ross..you shouldía let them tape her supposed death...we need you!!"
-Shane McAss: "You tell Ďem Pop! You tell Ďem! Youíre not a sphincter Pop!"
-McDog: "Mr. Brisco...does my ass taste good?"
-Midget Squinty: "Yes Mr. McMahon."
-Okay, okay...show of hands..how many of you, at that very moment..were just WAITING for Road Dog to turn to the Patterson midget and ask him the same thing? How many of you were almost DREADING what Pat would say?? Come on..raise them......I trained you all too well NOT to expect something by now....
-of course...he didnít ask Pat a damn thing....alas....alas...such a tragic waste.
Shane McAss: "Youíre not a sphincter Pop! Youíre a scholarly gentlemen Pop! This, This is a sphincter!"
-Shane then turned around, dropped his diaper, and mooned everyone. He was wearing a thong. Backstage, Patterson was seen running full sprint with his pants around his ankles towards the entanceway. He was screaming, "GANGWAY!!!! GANG F***KING WAAAAYYYY" Vince was behind him screaming, "DAMMIT ALL PAT...FREEZE...FREEZE....THIS IS NOT IN THE SCRIPT!!!! PAT...PAAAAAATTTTT!!!!" Luckily, Brian Christopher was busy trying on wedding gowns.....Pat saw him and stopped to give him a few pointers.
-McDog: "Oh Haa haa haaa! Very good son! That is a good sphincter!"
-The Crock: "Shane, pull up youíre paaaants! Because the Crock doesnít want to smell what youíre cooking!"
-ShamPac: "AAAAARRRRRGH!!! ALL THIS TALK ABOUT SPHINCTERS IS PUTTING ME IN THE ZONE!!!!!! ITíS FIVE FINGER SHUFFLE TIME!!!!!"
-Then the Big Chynaman (a bit redundant....if you ask me) twirled his/her/itís billyclub,. then threw it in the air...he/she/it lost it. Cole started to hyperventilate.
Crock: "Hold on, hold on! If youíre gonna taaaaalk about sphincters! Thereís only one man...and the Crock means OOOOONE MAAAAANNNN that is the biggest sphincter in the World Wrestling federation! And there is only one maaaaaaan, who can take his own Corporate heeeead and stick it up his own Corporate aaaaaassss! And when the Crock isnít taking his own Corporate heeeead, and sticking it up his owwwwwn Cooooooooooorporate aaassssss, heís got his two Corporate liiiips, buried down inside Mr. McMahonís sphincter!!"
-at this point, Jason Sensation comes out dressed in a suit, cowboy hat, and chewing a LOT of gum. Heís Shawn Michaels and heís holding a basketball. He is at the entranceway.
-HBJas: "Now hold on a minute! As the Commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation! Iím ordering Degeneration X to clean up theirrrrrrr ACT! (He dropped the basketball and bent down to pick it up)
-Crock: "Hold on there HBK! Hold on there...you dropped the ball again!" (Ahhh...so thatís what it means....I still donít get it.........actually, I do....but Iím supposed to be a wrestling fan who forgets things five minutes after they happen...oh wait..thatís WCW.....wrong show...sorry.)
-HBJas: "Now...you canít say SPHINCTERRRR on Monday Night RRRRRaw and get away with it! And if you want to know who is the real ass kisserrrr in the WWF, itís ME...H...B...GAYYYYYY! And you wanna know why the Heartbreak Kid doesnít lay down for anybody? (he turns around and waggles his ass to the camera...backstage, Pattersonís ears perked up like a dog and he started looking around and sniffing at the air) because heís ALWAYS....BENDING...OVERRRRRR"
-HBJas then dropped the basketball and had to chase it down the aisle
-Crock: "Shawny bud, you dropped the ball again!"
-HBJas: "And if anybody knows about kissing sphincterrrrrs, itís ME...the ICONDOM..THE MAIN EVENT...THE SHOWSTOPPAAAAA"
-Shampac: : "AAAAARRRRRGH!!! I SAID ALL THIS TALK ABOUT SPHINCTERS IS PUTTING ME IN THE ZONE!!!!!! ITíS FIVE FINGER SHUFFLE TIME!!!!!" Then he violently crotch chopped HBJas into the corner
-Crock: "The Crock thinks Ken Shamrock should switch to decaf! But in other words, Corporation, if you donít get what DX is saying..then there is only one thing...and the Crock means....one thing left to say...and that we got two words for yaaaaaa..."
-The crowd yelled "SUCK IT"...the music played.....things wrapped up nicely.....
-WROONG!!! Not with Shawn Michaels and his Hoganesque Ego in the building..uh uh...no way Jose.
-Michaels, The Bossman, Maivia, and Shamrock came out......the monologue became a dialogue..and Iím still in the transcribing zone....
-Michaels, "Cut......CUT...MY....MUSIC!!!! Degeneration X...doing yet..another skit! Another parody!!! This time..of the Corporation! Gosh! Golly Gee! How original! DX...you and youíre parodies...are like a worn out rendition of youíre favorite song! (Lord knows anyone whoís been reading this column for longer than two months can relate to that) But, to show you, that the Commissioner and the Corporation have a sense of humor....New Age Outlaws, Iím gonna award you two a rematch for the World Wrestling fed.....fed..........
-well, I have officially LEFT the transcibing Zone. Iíve had enough....almost
-Nutshell time...Bossman and Shamrock get another crack at the NAOers and their titles later tonight....and Triple H gets a match against the Rock. After Trip H reminded him that he used to beat him on a weekly basis and even managed to give Patterson the blowjob of his life and book himself an Inter-Continental title win at Summerslam....they made it a World Title match. The Rock did give me a chuckle by reminding us that HHH won the IC match only after Chyna gave him a shot in the "Corporate Jewels".
-Oh crap..I have to transcribe this last part...since the first time he said it over in England went over so well, Maivia decided to make the American debut of this new catchy little spiel....
Rock: "So now, Triple H, the Rock says, ĎWhatícha gonna dooo..í no wait..thatís not it, thatís not it....aw this is it, this is it....íTo BE the Man..WHOOOO...YA GOTTA beat...oh thatís not it..thatís not it...(sick bastard....FLAIR JUST DIED AND YOU ARE MAKING FUN OF HIM??????? THE MAN IS ALREADY COLD ON THE SLAB AND YOU DARE SOIL HIS GOOD NAME???? DAMN YOU ROCK..DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!)...thatís not it.....oh..this is it..íOoooo YEAH DI...í no..no..thatís not it either....oh yeah..THIS is it...íI am the best there is, the best there....í no.no.no, that damn sure ainít it (Shawn started to crack up on that one..he was over acting...but you know...F-It....he won the sports biggest pissing contest..he has the right.....COLE had no right to laugh thoí...but he did anyway...piece of sh*t). NOW I got it..this is it...the most ELECTRIFYING line in sports today...íIF YOU SMEEEEELLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!!!!"
-Shawn said, "Now THAT was a parody" (I hope NoSoul is taking notes..he needs the help) and had them hit his music. Trip H had something else to say, but Shawn had cut him off......some things NEVER change.
-Cole and Lawler go through the game plan for tonight....I am offically exhausted again...good God that was a rough segment...I DO IT ALL FOR YOU PEOPLE!!!!! YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEAD AND BURIED DIDNíT YOU???? YOU THOUGHT I HAD TURNED MY BACK ON YOUíRE SMELLY ASSES???? UH UH KIDS....I AM HYATTE AND I JUST CANíT KEEP AWAY FROM YOUR SMELLY ASSES.....
-Jesus Crow....what the Hell am I talking about? Smelly asses? What am I? A FAG?
-Oh hell....all right, I admit it..my name is Sanjaka Lipshitz....an African American Jewish Muslim Homosexual....itís a little known sect thatís been around for centuries....we never had many members but we once crucified some guy named Ira who claimed to be the son of Allah....while he didnít pull unlimited fish out of a basket, he seemed to have a LOT of sheckles in his pocket, and he had WONDERFUL color coordination. PRAISE ALLAH!!!! THAT MAGNIFICENT SCHVARTZA!!!!!
-as the only Jewish African Muslim Fag (JamFag for short) on the Net..I feel it is my duty to comment on the US attack on my Muslim (or are they Islam? I forget) brothers in Iraq. I say keep on bombing their asses......Sadaam Husseinís color scheme is absolutely DREADFUL.....olive drab...how passe......and have you ever tried to get jiggy with a booty that has been in the DESERT all itís life?? Sweet Mohammed...talk about scabrous....not to mention being bone dry....emphasis on "bone"
-One good thing about being a JamFag......some of our conflicting beliefs cancel each other out...that means we can eat all the bacon we want....so long as itís on sale and we puke it up later....to keep our figures of course.
-Heh...sorry, but Iím still stewing over Scaia calling Zimmerman the "King of the Non-Wrestling Tangent" a month or so ago....what a rube.
-Backstage, Vince was with his cadre. He was thrilled with the plan for tonight...and even said that this was the night the "Big Red Machine went down".....to which Patterson said, "Oh DRAT!!! Iím sorry Vince, I forgot my red lipstick......I brought the other one!! Can the Big Mauve Machine go down tonight? Or do we scrap the whole thing?" Vince just started at Pat......just stared at him.
-The Godfather and Val Venis came out with only TWO Hoís tonight.......the third one must of blown them off.....which means thereís a good chance I knew the bitch, because theyíve ALL blown me off. Worthless little......I...I...I do everything I can for them and...and..and they.......they.......rrrrrrrrrrr........F-ing tramps.......frickiní money sucking..........grrrrrrrr.........freakiní semen tanks..........I....I......oooooaaaaahhhh......every one of them.....little tittied.....tuna smelling........sack hopping......noblowjobgiving.......errrr.....hang the F*ck on....
-THERE...just watched a Kaitlen Ashley take it in a rude place......looks like it hurt.....Iím happy now...and also wet. Ahhhhhhhh harmony
-Venis grabbed the mic and told the Tacoma crowd that his schlong is a real red wood....I SWEAR I heard a dim voice in the backstage shriek "TESTIFY"
-Do you know how much time I wasted on RAW so far?? Christ, this thing wonít be finished until noontime Thursday I think! Poor Al must be burning my name in effigy by now!
-They took on the Brood....everyone looked good, even the Godfather..who looks like heís having the time of his life.
-meanwhile..a security guy is clearly seen taking a sign away a pair of signs.....Islamic bastards.
-The Shween team won by pinfall, Gangrel grabbed the mic and promised a "bloodbath" for later tonight. has ANYONE in wrestling ever heard of a little disease known as AIDS?
The Blue Blazer comes out....I assure you...it ainít me
-Goldust comes out...Iíd say more, but Iím all out of page.
Mop-Up RAW (cont)
-The match is the match and I find myself constantly staring at that crack running up Goldustís suit from behind...as well as that little pointy thing jutting out in the front....Dear Lord.....I have problems
-Cole swears that the Blazer is Owen Hart....Lawler denies it.....two weeks and nothing changes.....sigh.
-Blazer tries a springboard off the top rope and misses.......
-A big sign shows up that reads "THE GREEN BLAZER" complete with a drawing of a hemp plant.....Dirty Hippy...CUT YOUR HAIR AND GET A JOB!!!!!!!!
-Goldust goes for the Shattered Dreams...which is a symbolic re-enactment of what EVERY SINGLE BROAD I HAVE EVER MET FROM ALASKA TO KEY WEST HAS DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY YOU....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!! YOU ALL DO...YOU AND THOSE SAGGY TITTLES WITH THE WEINS POPPING OUT!!! I HOPE THAT...THAT...THAT STUD YOU DUMPED ME FOR PUMPS 5 BRATS OUT OF YOU THEN LEAVES YOU BECAUSE IMMIGRATION CAUGHT UP WITH HIM AND DEPORTS HIS ASS BACK TO BEIRUT OR WHATEVER PISSHOLE HE CAME FROM!!!!!!! I AM THE INTERNET KING WHILE YOUíRE BUSY DUMPING BREASTMILK IN JUNIORíS CHEERIOS BECAUSE YOUR WELFARE CHECK IS LATE AND YOU CANíT BUY MILK!!!!!! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAD AND YOU KICK ME IN THE NUTS IN 10 SECONDS FLAT!!! WELL GO F-YOURSELF YOU RAGGY LITTLE...LITTLE........ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGH....JAILBAIT!!! NOW YOU HOOK UP TO ANYONE WITH A PACK OF LUCKIES AND A NICE SMILE!!!!YOUR LOOKS ARE GOING, YOUR ASS IS SAGGY, AND YOUR HAIR IS LIMP NOW!!!!! CANíT LOSE THAT BABY FAT CANíYA???? CANíT FIT INTO THOSE JEANS ANYMORE CANíYA!!!! HA HAAA HA HAA HAAAAA!
-That last rant was for any of you Fanboys who has ever been rejected by some broad.....she was probably lesbo anyway. Best advice I can give ya...get a $1000...go to Vegas...get a Hooker.....and then give her a hug and a thank you afterwards...because there is no headgames with a pro. Just make sure she doesnít slip you a mickey and you wake up in your bathtub naked, covered with ice, and with your kidney missing.
-Jarrett ran in and attacked Goldust....Blackman ran in and attacked Jarrett.....Goldust pulled Jarrett out and Blackman started to yank at the Blue Blazerís mask.....the mask came off...
-OH MY GOD!!!! ITíS JRíS MOMMA!!!!! ITíS JRíS MOMMA!!!!!!!! THEY COULDNíT WAIT UNTIL WRESTLEMANIA!!!!! ITíS THE WORK OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Of course not.....and I feel really bad about writing that...my humble apologies.....phew..good thing everything thinks Iím fired...nobody is reading this.
-Of course..itís Owen Hart.....Owen covers his face, then Jarrett covers it with his shirt....
-hey Ladies....Mark "Sexual Chocolate" Henry is up next...and I take FULL credit for that by the way...I called him Sexual Chocolate MONTHS ago.....HA!
-D-Lo and Mark Henry come out to Henryís new theme music....Terri Runnels and Jacqueline were there too....
-Sexual Chocolate?.....hmmm......back in C-Block, I was called "Fudge Packer"...by a con with braids.....a sweaty con with braids....I forget his name......it was a nickname......C-Note? B-Side? G-Whizz? E-MCSquared? I canít seem to recall.
-Henry grabbed the mic and said that he was a lover..and NOT a fighter...but he has a story to tell...the story about his date with Chyna. Apparently, she invited him to bed and they got it on.....thatís all I got to say on that because....well.....geeze.....havenít I delivered enough already?
-The Job Squad ran in. Bob Holly and Scorpio did the fighting.....what the frig is UP with Scorpioís hair anyway?
-Al Snow, Dwayne Gill, and the Blue Meanie were there.
-You have to see this too appreciate it.....Snow was deep in argument with head as Terri Runnels was staring at the Blue Meanieís stomach up close and rubbing.............why do I get the feeling that Sean Shannon saw that and popped the biggest boner of his life?
-Jacqueline nailed Holly with a top rope dropkick that Holly refused to sell...GOOD FOR YOU SPARKY!!!! DONíT GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION!!!!!!! WORTHLESS, LICE INFESTED........HAIRY.......GRRRRRRLS!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAH
-*huff huff huff*.......
-errr...I should note that SCOOPSCENTRAL.COM, SCOOPS Wrestling, Al Isaacs, the Mop-Up Raw, the Mop-Up Nitro, Chris Hyatte, Sanjaka Lipshitz, or even Remy "The Slammer" Ortieaga does NOT condone physical abuse or the mistreatment of women in any way, shape or form.....we DO encourage you to pee on their toothbrushes when they arenít looking, fart on their lipstick, and switch their birth control pills with tic tacs the very second they dump you on your worthless ass for some stud with tight pants and a souped up Camaro...and try to rifle through their wallets too....grabbing whatever dinero they have. You deserve it pal. Oh yeah, tell them they are fat and their breath smells like Onions.....they will dwell on it for WEEKS!
-The New Age Outlaws come in and do their thing...Shamrock comes to the ring and does his....Bossman comes to the ring and twiddles his nightstick....always looking out for those NWO bastards. The match getís aígoing.
-Bad Ass gets his leg RAPED by Shamrock as the Bossman looks on......isnít that just like a Head Bull Screw...give him a few cigarettes and he looks the other way so .....some...some innocent kid doing 6 months for Tax Evasion just wants to pay his debt to the state and ...and...and...and you got the Head of the "King Niggaz" with braids and tattoos and a goatee as your new husband.....and and..and if you donít do his laundry just right (luke warm....half a cup of starch.....no bleach.....on permanent press...I will never forget that)...he takes a shank and he....he....he....he....right in your.....with a.....itís so cold....and sharp..... God no....STAY AWAY FROM ME Z-SMOOTH........I DIDNíT PUT NO BLEACH IN THERE..IT WAS TYRELL.....I SWEAR...LEAVE ME ALONE....OH GOD...NOT THE MOP AGAIN!!!! NO...NO....HELP ME..PLEASE..SOMEBODYYYYYYYYY YAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH
-Shot of Tequila #1 poured
-Shot of Tequila #1 gone
-Shot of Tequila #2 poured
-Shot of Tequila #2 gone...
-Beer #4 opened....
-Beer #4 gone...violently
-Beer #5 opened...
-Beer # 5 shotgunned down..
-.................."King of the Non-Wrestling Tangent"..... my ASS!!
-Bossman and Shamrock won after HBK tagged Bad Ass with the Nightstick.......Hey, WCW guys who left Titan in a flash...Take it from the Bossman....YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VINCE WILL PUSH YOU!!!!!!!!!!
-Yíknow...I really hope the second hour has come and gone by now......
-Out comes Vincent K. (Next week weíll crucify the Toupee) McMahon and his son Shane. In the ring, a big can filled with balls (Aw jeeze..here comes those C-Block memories again) is sitting squarely in the middle. The boys hit the ring and Vince remarks on how disgusting it was to have Mr. Socko rammed down their gullet the other night...(Same thing happened to me......in C-Block.....only it wasnít called Mr. Socko.....it was called the "Tootsie Sweet Log"...and...and...and....it was....so......BIG....Oh God....no more...please....no...more.......aaaaaaghhghhghghg ghg ghhgh ghgg gh *cough cough*)
-Iím working through this.....In order to get revenge on both Kane and Mankind for their PPV deeds....Vince ordered that they will fight later on in a no DQ, anything goes match.
-Then he said that since Austin won the Buried Alive match......he gets to be in the Royal Rumble....so they were there to pick the slot where Austin will enter the ring.....
-he turned the crank a few times....reached in....and picked a ball....
-It was number 1...Austin is the first man in....Cole smelled something fishy......
-Shane said that drawing number 1 wasnít really fair..maybe they should give Austin another chance....so they spun it again....
- Whoa..he drew number 1 again!!!!! Cole said this was the biggest conspiracy since Kennedy.....(Of course...Goldberg killed Kennedy....you knew that right? Who else could miraculously make that Magic bullet go in so many different directions?)
-Vince then offered a $100,000 bounty to the man who can throw Austin over the top rope at the Rumble.
-Then Vince said he would pick ANOTHER number....you have GOT to hear him describe this....
"Now then, tonight we will name one other participant in the Royal Rumble other than "Stone Cold" Steve Austin! That individual, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a Superstar who at least EQUALS the skills of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin! That individual, Ladies and Gentlemen, is perhaps the ONLY superstar who could possibly save Ted Turnerís ĎDouble-ya Cee Double-yaí (oooo..I LOVE it when he tweaks Bischoff off like that), but the World Wrestling Federation has him...and he will compete for the VERY FIRST TIME in the Royal Rumble!!! Shane, if you will do the honors....
-The Shane McMahon speaks....
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation proudly presents, the most Omniscient, the most Omnipotent, sports entertainer..in the History of Sports Entertainment...give it up for...Mr. VINCENT K. MCMAHON!!!!"
-I was thinking Hogan myself....but Iím blitzed out on Tequila..so what do I know?
-Vince said, "Youíre damn right!" then said that he will draw his own slot right now....so they turned the drum....
-Shane reached in...and picked a ball....
-It was number 30!! I thought it would be #24 for some UnHoly reason....but again..refer to the Tequila remark above.
-So...Vince was 30 and Austin was 1...didnít Austin have these impossible odds last year too?
-They were about to leave when.....
-Mankind showed up on the TitanTron screaming, "DADDY...DADDY!!!!!"
-He was somewhere backstage....even though he was pickled tink to be fighting Kane tonight....he thought it may be more fun to fight Vince instead..seeing how Vince was the new WWF Superstar...so he challenged him, questioning his "testicular fortitude" just for the Hell of it...
-Vince didnít answer..but he sneered.....cool enough.
-Backstage with Vince and his boys....Brisco and Slaughter were trying to talk Vince out of fighting Foley.....Patterson mentioned how cool it would be if Vince eliminated Austin and won the $100,000 bounty.....Vince said that was stupid. Try as I might, I canít seem to call upon a Patterson joke right now.....
-so Iíll break away from norm and give you a little CARNAC!!!!!!
-May I have the first envelope
-The first envelope...Ho hoo
-Blood on the Bronco
-blood on the Bronco
-What do you get when Sable goes horseback riding during her time of the month?
-May your most popular columnist become as reliable as Curt Hennigís knee!!!
-Hoo hoo hoo HIIIYOOOOOOOOOO
-Jeff Jarrett came to the ring with Deborah. Itís a first ever Pole match with a Guitar on the top. He grabs the mic and announces that he canít wait to smash Blackmanís "square ass" head with it. He also said that there will be no way in Hell Deborah will ever be stripping in public like she did the other night.....
-Debbie grabbed the mic and disagreed....she felt so FREE showing off those pontoons..she may be inclined to do it again....
-meanwhile..in Tampa Florida...Mongo McMichael heard that and a small blood vessel suddenly appeared on his forehead....a red blood vessel...
-they tangle for a while.....then Deborah climbs to the ring and teases Blackman.....Mongoís blood vessel began to turn purple
-They go a while longer....Jarrett goes sailing out.....Debbie hits the ring and takes her blouse down to her shoulders..revealing some straining melons.....Mongoís blood vessel goes VIOLENTLY purple..and begins to throb....
-Jarrett gets the guitar, then Blackman gets it...but he misses....then Owen Hart runs in and whallops Blackman with a guitar of his very own.....Blackman goes down and Jarrett gets the pin...no more foolishness from Deborah......Mongoís vessel begins to subside...then Bischoff offers him his new contract...no money but he get 3 free cartons of Camels every week.....a blood vessel on Mongoís forehead suddenly re-appears......
-Trouble!! Patterson and Brisco arrive in Tiger Ali Singís dressing room to see him suitably freaked over the word "BLOODBATH" sprayed across his wall.
-MORE trouble...Vince tells Shane that he will fight Mankind..but it will be under HIS rules ....no hitting above the hairline.
-Tiger Ali Sing comes out with a towel wrapped around his head...as I always do when I see someone with a towel around his head, I stand up and scream, "GET YOUR ASS TO MARS"...itís a simple pleasure...
-Tiger makes it halfway to the ring when....the lights go out and the Broodís music comes on.....
-and itís dark.....
-and itís still dark.....
-Then Gangrel, Christian, and Edge chase him back up the ramp and attack him...we go pitch black. Cole bellows for some sort of light...
-He got his wish.....Sing was laid out at the entrance way with his body drenched in the most watery blood I have ever seen....very fake....
-Kane is pacing around backstage.....looking like he misses that Dentist gimmick
-Mankind comes out...
-Kane comes out......
-they go at it.....in the ring..out of the ring...back and forth...left and right...ying and yang....ebony and ivory...crimson and clover...over and over.
-Kane dumps the top of the steel steps on Mankind....nice shot to the side of his head..
-pretty mellow for a No DQ match by the way....
-Then Vince comes out in a sweatsuit and fingerless gloves...he tells Mankind that they will go at it...but he wants to take it outside for a good olí fashioned parking lot fight...Mankind runs to oblige
-During the commercials break.....Kane was cornered, subdued...and taken away by a group of men in white outfits...heís going to the looney bin.....I feel like an absolute doofus for reporting this.
-In the parking lot..Mankind is attacking Vince...he goes right for the wig...the wig FLIES off Vinceís head and attaches itself to Mankindís face.....Patterson and Brisco try to claw it off but canít...Then Pat turns around and moons Mankind...the Ultra Violet light that emits from his gloryhole cascades over Foleyís body...Pat also farted a few times..but thatís because he had Italian for dinner...named Paulo....the wig falls off..Vince grabs it and reattaches it to his head....Mankind tries to get up...but the light has BLINDED HIM!!! He is as blind as a bat!!!! Vince and the boys drop the act and get all depressed...then Mankindís eyes clear up...he can SEE AGAIN!!! Mankind explains that his family have always had a second eyelid...but he never mentioned it because it was always rather inconsequential to his family...something they ignored...everyone shares a laugh and Vince orders Brisco to lay a course for the Neutral Zone....Pat makes use of his warp drive, grabs the bloody Tiger Ali Sing, and boldy goes where no man has ANY RIGHT IF THEY HAD AN IOTA OF COMMON SENSE gone before...
-admit it..my version was much cooler.
-Triple H comes out with Chyna.....Michael Cole gleefully announces that there are no more commercials for the rest of the night (a good 15 minutes).
-Triple H tells us to get ready to SUCK IT....basically because heís about to when the damn belt.
-The Rock comes out with Shawn Michaels.....the jam is on....
-Trip H looked good..not great, but good. Still a bit rusty.
-It goes outside....it goes on the Announcer table....one thing leads to Tina Yothers and..
-The Rock commandeers Coleís headset....away we go...
"Give the Rock the microphone yaí damn Jabronie!! This is the Rockís show and Kingfish, what you see right there is Triple H....and heís a prime example! Hereís a guy..who looks like Tarzan and he wrestles like Jane!! Watch this..here ya go ya piece of trash!!" (He drives his head into the table).
Lawler, "The Rock is laying the smack down"
Rock, "You shut your mouth or the Rockíll slap the yellow out of your teeth! Now you watch the million and millions of the Rockís fans watch as the Rock lays the smack down on his....(punch to the head) CANDY ASS!!!"
-This is the coolest guy in the world right now...period...even cooler then me....believe it or not
-Back in the ring...Triple H wakes up and fights back...
-Rock rebounds....he applies the CHINLOCK??? IN THE MAIN EVENT????????????
-The Corporate Elbow comes out...I swear..that damn Elbow is more popular than Goldberg.
-AGAIN WITH THE CHINLOCK?????????
-Okay....I have to bring it home now...
-Chyna crotches Rock and Trip H hits the DDT...kickout
-Michaels hits Trip H with the belt....kickout
-Chyna chokes Michaels..camera has no qualms about focusing on her tremendously fantasmic booty.
-a big, blonde dude comes in and gives Trip H the Meltdown....alas..another unique finisher is blatantly RIPPED OFF!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!!!!!!
-Cole screams set up, conspiracy, screwjob, and secretly prays for rossís death so he can have this gig full time..the show endeths
Jeeze...a pretty keen show without the presence of their two biggest draws...Austin and the UT...and a VERY limited presence of X-Pac...(is he injured and I missed the news? I really have been gone for over a week). Good show...I enjoyed it...letís move on shall we? Then we shall.
Okay, letís see. I havenít laid eyes on Nitro in two weeks, has anything gone down that might make me change my general attitude about it? Hmmmm.....
Bischoff is still there, Kanyon still has a job, Horace is still an idiot, Saturn still looks gay, Raven still is gay, Hall still looks blitzed out of his mind, Page still looks like heís high on Crystal Meth, the Nitro Girls are still wasting our time, Tony still needs to have a small animal with a lot of teeth lodged in a very bad place, Tenay still has a fat ass, Heenan still hasnít found his sense of humor, and Goldberg is still Jewish.
Nope, nothing has changed...other than the fact that Scott Steiner is the new leader of the NWO.........you can thank his new juicy contract for that one...Eric does know how to reward his loyal employees...other than that Flair guy of course....and Syxx...and Austin.....
NITRO: (or Heart Shmart...GET UP YOU OLD FART!!!)
-Opens with footage from last weekís nonsense with Nash (Catholic), Bigelow (Muslim...go figure), and Goldberg (Take a wild frigginí guess).
-Opens with a wide shot of whatever building they are in this week, in whichever town...itís all the same crap.
-Oh okay, you anal pricks...the Ice Palace in Tampon, Florida....(Come to our beaches and surf our Crimson Waves)
-Tony welcomes me back properly by calling last weekís 10 second shootout as the "most uncontrollable thing WCW security has ever controlled."
-The Nitro Girls are on fire in the Ice Palace and the crowd loves it!!!!!!!!!!
-I am so deeply, deeply ashamed of myself right now, you just donít know.
-First hour fireworks go off. Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Larry Zbyszko say hello, then rip right into the push for Starrcade. Larry briefly waves to the fans, but refuses to get to close too the Florida crowd......too many Cubans I guess.
-Video montage/collage/mydickaintlarge/nobodyevernamestheirchildMarge of last weekís set up to the Giant upcoming job out to "Diamond" Dallas Page. I have to admit, I semi-marked when he brought up the name "Copenhagen". Later on in the column, Iíll explain why Zimmerman is wrong about something....again. watch for it.
-Spot for a Nitro Girls calender....so you too can feel like a geek 12 months out of the WHOLE YEAR!!!!
-By the way, the calendar is for the year 1988, which is the year Kimberly stopped counting her age.....sheís been 23 for the last 10 years.
-by the way, if you college studs have any notions of purchasing this calendar for your dorm room....Iíd advise that you start dunking your head in your toilet right now to get used to piss running down your nose.
-Scott Putski comes to the ring with a big cross around his neck...WHAT???? NOW IíM OFFENDED!!!!!!!!! WHERE THE HELL IS BOB RYDER NOW???????? WHY ISNíT BOB SETTING THINGS RIGHT WITH HIS STELLAR, NON BIASED COMMENTARY???????? MY GOD!!!! PUTSKI IS CELEBRATING THE MURDER OF CHRIST AND RALPHUS HAS NOTHING TO SAY????????????
-along his way to the ring, Putski is seen picking his teeth.....which answers a question I always wanted to know....does Missy keep herself neat, our does she go "au naturale"?
-Raven comes to the ring......takes a seat, and talks about plunging into the darkness wrapped in latex, and how some moron had "packed" him without knowing what they were doing......Iím not even joking.....
-hey...seeing how Raven is always depressed now, maybe he should try that new drug on the market! Itís called Trynoassatall.....it cures depression, hemorrhoids, rectal bleeding and anal warts!! It also straightens out wrists, deepens the voice, and creates a total disgust for any tight clothing on males. Patterson is currently boycotting the product.......which is one of his many activities that involve the word "boy".
-I realize that this is the NITRO Mop-Up, and Pat really has no business in here...but F-IT!!!! IíVE BEEN AWAY FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!
-Kanyon showed up to tell us all that Raven was a very privileged child with a 3 million dollar trust fund. I really have no idea why I dislike Kanyon so much, I just do..so I am out of here. I gave you the gist of this segment anyway....Putski didnít even have to lift a finger......although Iím sure heíll be fingering something later on.
-waaait a second, I figured out why I hate Kanyon...itís because heís a douche. There you go.
-What was up with that sign that read "Grease My Monkey" anyway?
-Opening theme....thatís right fans...ALL THIS ACTION, EXCITEMENT, AND CLEAN CUT DRAMA FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY THAT WEíVE SEEN SO FAR WAS ONLY A TEASER!!!!!!!!! NOW WCW IS REALLY ABOUT TO GET GOING!!!!!!!!! JUST AS SOON AS YOU YAWN THROUGH THIS SET OF...
-ATTENTION TAMPON FLORIDA!!!! PLEASE REMAIN CALM!!!! PLEASE SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY LOCK ALL YOUR DOORS AND DRAW YOUR CURTAINS!!!! PLEASE TURN OUT ALL YOUR LIGHTS AND CRAWL UNDER YOUR BEDS!!!! THERE HAS BEEN A VILLANO SIGHTING....REPEAT, THERE HAS BEEN A VILLANO SIGHTING IN YOUR IMMEDIATE AREA!!!! IF YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT HOME...F-THEM....LET THEM FEND FOR THEMSELVES AND TAKE THEIR CHANCES!!!!! THOSE BRATS ARE NOT WORTH IT!!!
-Who should come out but Villano V (The Dermatologist)....for what LOOKS to be a match.....
-I said it LOOKS to be a match.....of course where the Familia is concerned...looks NEVER tell the real tale. I really shouldnít say anything....especially since the last time I spoke of them I woke up with the head of a Chihuahua on the pillow next to me.....with itís pee pee stuck in a spot Iíd rather not speak about at this time...or ever.
-figure it out...they are in FLORIDA!!!! Which is filled with CUBANS!!!!!! Do you know what this means? You do? Get a life jerko! Good Lord, you are such a loser.
-Yeah, Iím down to getting blown off by chicks ONLINE and Iím calling YOU a loser? Christ..whereís my gun?
-anywhoo...Eddie Guerrero comes out with his bodyguard Chico...after months and months of tension, it seems that the Familia and the new LWO will FINALLY SETTLE THE SILENT HOSTILITIES THAT HAVE SUDDENLY FORMED BETWEEN THESE TWO FACTIONS????? WILL THIS BE THE MATCH THAT WILL START THE TAMALE WAR????????
-of course not...Eddieís little playschool is so below the radar of La Familia...it isnít even funny.
-So they tussle for a while, and you could just TELL that Villano V was toying with the little guy...giving him a small measure of self confidence.....
-They went on with this sham for a while, then Eddie delivered the Frogsplash. He went for the pin......
-meanwhile, in a small village just South of Guatalemino (come for the Fajitas, stay for the $1 Hoís)....Villano XII (El Marachi) had a pillow a few inches from Eddie Guerreroís Grandmamaís face......EDDIE, THROW THE MATCH...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!! THROW THE MATCH!!!!!!!!!!!
-He did, he stopped the ref from making the three count, then had him stop the match. The LWO came out...followed by Rey Mysterio in his "Shannon Hugger" t-shirt.....Eddie asked Villano V to join up.....which he did. Eddie told Bischoff to kiss his "You know what" and they left. And Grandmama gets to live....VIVA LA FAMILIA...VIVA LA CARTEL!!!!!!!
-And donít be stupid...you know why Villano I (El Godpapa) strategically placed his son into the LWO.....not because of Eddie...who cares about that clown. But Rey Mysterio....oh yes, longtime Mop-Up readers will remember Rey and his Guerrilla Terrorist Faction....oh yes. Somethingís brewing in Costa Rica my amigos......something sinister........stay tuned.
-The Nitro Girls are with the Announcers......you know, if you took the empty space in all the heads of everyone on the screen right now, you could give shelter to a family of four....and one cat.
-Ah..itís a plug for the Nitro Party....I may be just hoping, but it seems that Tony is saying that it will be the final Nitro Party Giveaway....cross those fingers.
-Nitro Party clip...for Chrissakes..ITíS NOT A PARTY ANYMORE!!!!! Itís a Goddam school function!!!!!!
-Wrath laid out someone very quickly. Tenay gushed about how every city Nitro comes to are now competing against each other to see who can fill up the most seats.........well, they ARE competing....only the real challenge is to see which city can boo the main event the loudest.
-Anyone else think that Wrath is only the first of MANY Goldberg rip offs WCW will trot out over the next few months? God Bless Bischoff....he never fails to live up to his own limitations.
-spot for those two video tapes they are trying to hustle...the Sting retrospective and the Savage retrospective. Itís about time Savage gets one...heís been in the company for 4 monster years......TO REACH THE LEVEL OF HIS SUCCESS AND FAME AFTER ONLY 4 YEARS IN THE BUSINESS IS SIMPLY AWE INSPIRING!!!!!!
-I mean, he was just a rookie in the biz for years ago right? There was no Randy Savage before he came to WCW.....Tony said so.
-video clipfest dealing with Flair and Bischoff
-Mean Gene Okerlund brings out Eric Bischoff, who has his own theme music....because he is a talented athlete who has paid his dues in the ring and deserves whatever push he is lucky enough to give himself.
-How piss off is he? Hmm? I mean really, this guyís show destroyed RAW for 100 weeks in a row. This guy was the first to dream up the idea of making himself a Heel Promoter and did just that for almost two years. Then Vince decides to do it....and after only 9 months of being a Heel promoter, and 9 months of beating Nitro with a decent degree of consistency...HE is the one getting the press. Bischoff thought of it first, yet VINCE is being hailed as a Genius for thinking it up....HA!!!!! YOU SUCK BISCHOFF...F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!! Hee heeeee
-Oh man, irony like that just makes me feel SO happy.
-Basically, Bischoff said that his hands and feet were lethal weapons, and that he was the future while Flair is the ancient past.....
-Then Flair came out...Eric ran almost as fast as the day Bobby Walker showed up at CNN Center with Johnny Cochran on one side and the Reverend Al Sharpton on the other....you shouldíve seen Uncle Eric haul ass THAT day by God.....
-Flair chased him, then ran backstage as Bischoff veered towards the announcer booth. Tony shrieked that "Rommel" Flair was strategically trying to outflank Bischoff...I maintain that he was running to beg someone to rewrite the next page of the script...
-no deal....Flair came back and hit the ring....for reasons that I wonít even try to fathom, he grabbed a sign that read "BUCK STUD WARRIOR" and took it with him.
-Geeze, the good part of this segment was his rantfest...in full throttle scream.....
-BUT RIGHT BEFORE THAT!!! He dropped and elbow and a knee on the mat......the mat refused to sell the shots....rat bastard.
-Flairís monologue..because I care:
"BISCHOFF!!! DAMN IT ALL WE ARE IN TAMPA FLORIDA, WHERE THEY LIKE WRESTLING BOY!!!! THESE PEOPLE GREW UP ON BLOOD, GUTS, AND EDDIE GRAHAM BABY!!!!!......"
-Oh yeah, I remember Eddie Graham.....I also remember what a useless fu&^%ng tool his son Mike was.
"....AND THEN ALONG CAME THE AMERICAN DREAM, DUSTY BY GOD RHODES!!!!""
-Yeah baby!!!! GOD BLESS THE DREAM BABAY!!!!!
-"...WHO BLED WITH ME, AGAINST ME, WITH THE BRISCOS, THE FUNKS, THE SULLIVANS, THE WINDHAMS!!!! EVERYBODY THAT WAS SOMEBODY HAD TO COME THROUGH FLORIDA AND PAID THE PRICE!!!"
-Good point, you youngsters have no idea just what an incredible territory Florida was back in the day. Even though they had months where Kendall Windham was their biggest star, they also had months....years even, when Florida was the most exciting place to be a wrestling fan. Dusty Rhodes bled every night against Abdullah the Butcher, Billy Jack was the new kid in town, Kevin Sullivan was a truly frightening man, oh man....Florida was THE place to be at one point.
-Heh.....how many of you old schoolers are marking out right now? Okay, back to business......
"YOU!!! YOU WORTHLESS SCUMBAG, YOU ARISTOCRAT, YOU PENCIL NECK, WHEN I GET YOU....IN WASHINGTON DC...."
-Then he flung himself upside down into the turnbuckle and flipped back up...which has always been a very impressive move of his. He dropped his elbow again too.
-at this point, he starts to rub his shoulder area...
-IíM GONNA REACH DOWN INSIDE YOUR SKINNY LITTLE NECK...GRAB YOUR HEART YOU HAVE....AND PULL IT OUT....TO SHOW THE WORLD YOU HAVE NO HEART"
-what da f*ck is that supposed to mean anyway?
-Then Flair drop to the mat and leaned against the corner. Gene called it exhaustion and sent it back to Tony. Arn Anderson and Dusty Rhodes came out.....Dusty looked at Flair, started kicking him in the nuts, and screamed, "YOU THAWWWT YOU WERE TOUGH WHEN YOU BUSTED MY ANKLE IN THAT CAGE IN ATLANTA 20 YEARS AGO DIDNíJA??? WELL HOW DOES IT FEEL NOW NATCHA BOY???"
-It took a bit....plenty of time for Tony to not-so-subtly tell us that this kind of heart wrenching drama will NOT be found on that other wrestling show that is coming on in about 3 minutes..and that only TRUE wrestling fans will stay right here on TNT to see if Flair will live...you HAVE to stay tuned now..because this IS REAL DAMMIT!!!! THIS IS NO WORK!!!! THIS IS NOT AN "ANGLE" THIS IS REAL LIFE!!!!!! FLAIR IS INCHES AWAY FROM DEATH AND YOU WANT TO FLIP THE CHANNEL TO SEE A BALD GOLDBERG RIP OFF SCREAM "HELL YEAH"??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE ANYWAY???? IF YOU DONíT STAY RIGHT HERE ALL NIGHT LONG..RIC FLAIR WILL DIE!!!!! MUCH LIKE FAIRIES DIE EACH TIME A CHILD SAYS "I DONíT BELEIVE IN FAIRIES", RIC FLAIR WILL DIE IF YOU TURN TO THOSE BASTARDS AT USA!!!! DO YOU WANT FLAIR TO DIE PEOPLE??? DO YOU WANT RIC FLAIR TO LEAVE HIS CHILDREN ORPHANS, HIS WIFE A WIDOW, AND EVEN WORSE...DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE ERIC BISCHOFF WITHOUT AN OPPONENT AT STARRCADE??????? DAMN YOU PEOPLE!!! DONíT YOU DARE TURN TO.....
-RAW IS WAR: (or Austin? We donít need no steenkin Austin! )
-opens with footage of Sunday nightís insomnia curing pay per view....that Canadian crowd sucked monster eggs that night.
-opening theme.....dumb asses, they should do like Nitro and put in the opening theme 20 minutes into the show...theyíll NEVER win the ratings if they keep putting the opening at the BEGINNING of the show.....Christ.
-Fireworks welcome us to Tacoma, Washington. Your announcers are Jerry Lawler and Michael COLE???? (Oh NO!!! NITRO WINS THE NIGHT...NITRO WINS THE NIGHT!!!!! THANK YOU...GOODNIGHT!!!!!)
-..........oh jeeze...may as well finish Nitro before I call it a night
-where wuz I? Oh yeah...Flair was being hauled into the Ambo....Tony begged us to clap our hands and scream, "I BELIEVE IN FAIRIES, I BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!!!!" (How can you NOT believe in them....especially when Patterson is wlaking the Earth?)
-Bam Bam Bigelow is seen sneaking past all this commotion and getting into the building
-Arn is getting into the Ambulance....is Ric red faced from pain..or humiliation that heís going through with this?
-One plot gels into another and.....
-Scott Hall is backstage giving the Crotch Chop to Bam Bam Bigelow....I guess Hall is Jewish too..because Bam Bam went right after him....Anti-Semite BASTARD!!!!
-Nash shows up because he runs this whole show now......he asks Bam Bam if he wants some....Bam Bam obliges
-WCW Security charges.....Dillenger is there but doesnít touch anyone.....his cold, cold stare is all he needs.
-Then Goldberg shows up because no angle should EVER be without his presence anymore Dammit!!!! Suddenly, itís a three way jam...Tony remarks about how Nitro can go from HEART BREAKING DRAMA to EXPLOSIVE ACTION in just a heartbeat.
-Terry Taylor comes in and makes it a 3 way thingy for later tonight......
-Meanwhile....nobody is clapping for Flair...heís fading fast.
-the second hour blows on by...Tony asks us if we can believe that they are going to try to sell us last weekís main event again for this week. Did I black out and switch to RAW by accident?
-Meano Geno is so Keeno....and he brings out Kidman....who really does have the greatest theme song in this sport...better than Austinís.....kind of...other than that glass breaking thing..that rocks so fragging MUCH.
-Kidman hits the ring and asks to bring out Rey Mysterio....and so it shall be
-Kidman asks the little pecker to go at it right there and now WITHOUT interference from the LWO.....Rey says all right...probably relieved that he doesnít have to feel the eyes of "La Familia" on him backstage.
-Tony has the balls to apologize in advance for not calling the match in favor of weeping over Flairís impending death...then he screams, ĎFOR GODíS SAKES!!!!! WILL YOU PLEASE CLAP FOR FLAIR??????? IF YOU DONíT BELIEVE IN FAIREIS..FLAIR WILL DIE!!!!!!!"
-It goes on as long as it should....then the LWO charges in...well...Damien and Ciclope....Kidman and Rey dispose of them...
-two more come out..two more go down
-Then the rest come out...Villano V comes out and IMMEDIATELY GOES FOR REY JR. THE MEMORY OF THE CARTEL IS BITTER AND LONG MI AMIGOS!!!!! MUCHO BITTER AND MUCHO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!! Rey wisely takes it like a good little bitch.
-Eddie Guerrero rests comfortable in the corner as his bodyguard "Sancho" keeps the ref at bay.....the beating continues.
-Tony is moved to re-show us that backroom brawl with Bigelow, Nash, and that dude who Austin rips off.
-Oh Lord!!!! Here he comes....Bob Ryder struts out with Chris Jericho. Looks like Bobby has been stocking up on Ben and Jerryís........no wonder his wifey has been putting the moves on Scherer....(but you didnít hear that from me).
-"Ralphus" stands at attention as Jericho welcomes us to Monday Night Jericho.
-He called Konnan "Baby Huey"....I smiled...
-He called Konnan the "Greatest Mexican Rapper since Geraldo and Rico Suarve"....I cracked up
-Jericho is neither "Rowdy Rowdy or Bowdy Bowdy....but he is 235 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal" Ryder confirmed it with a big thumbs up.....then said that the WWF was sliding headfirst into the GUTTER and taking the entire sport with it and he simply WILL NOT STAND FOR IT ANYMORE.....then he farted.
-Say..whatever happened to Wendi Rictor anyway? She was a Lesbo right?
-Jericho had a stand that held up a sheet of paper....he said that much like the Kennedy conspiracy with the Magic Bullet (Iím telling yaí...itís GOLDBERG) his TV title loss is another conspiracy...which he dubbed the "Magic Foreign Object" conspiracy...
-He asked Konnan to come out...the Wolfpacís music played. Still feeling the burns from that Bogus Sting silliness, Tony refused to believe that the real Konnan would show up....way to stay on your toes Tony!!!
-A little, skinny Konnan look-like comes out. Tony congratulates himself on not being suckered this time ago.
-according to Jericho...Konnan had hit him with like 9 different foreign objects (is he counting Konnanís breath as a foreign object? Or that Video heís in? Because brother, that baby even knocked ME out....) but the power of the Jerichoholics kept him going until Konnan whipped out a shovel......still, he had managed to get to the ropes....but the ref still made the 3 count.
-Tony begged someone to put an end to this actual entertainment (On Nitro?? IS SOMEONE ASLEEP AT THE SWITCH??????), but we still got to see Jericho put the Lion Tamer on this fake Konnan. Ryder (it REALLY is him...my hand to Allah) held the mic as Jericho screamed some more.
-The Nitro Girls offer a cheerful contradiction to Tonyís sadness as he informs us that Flair is in the hospital.....screaming that he is walking into the light....with a deep, deep sorrow, he implores us to start clapping once again and scream, "I BELIEVE IN FAIRIES, I BELIEVE IN FAIRIES".....time is running dangerously low.
-Barry Windham took on some idiot....Heenan hopped aboard. Bobby said that this is most definitely NOT fair to Flair.
-Norman Smiley came to the ring and shot off his imaginary bow and arrow....still havenít figured that move out yet.
-Saturn came out..his new theme music is STRANGELY similar to Judas Priestís "You Got Another Thing Coming"...of course..it was recently announced (recently? try like a year ago doucheyhead) that JPís lead guy Rob Halford is one of Liza Minelliís BIGGESTR fans..if you catch my drift.......and Saturn..kinda...sorta.....you know. just thought Iíd pass that along.
-Not a bad match I must say...Smiley even had time to do that thing he does where he pretends to go doggy style on some biiiatchís booty and slap that thaang around.....betícha heís picturing a white woman....a white woman with a big olí ass....
-Itís so funny listening to Tony as he does that move....Tony has no clue what to say, so he just pretends it isnít happening.
-Ernest Miller comes out looking more like a pimp that the Godfather EVER did...he interferes and Norman Smiley gets the pinfall....
-oh yeah, referee Scott Dickinson seems to be turning heel...Tony gave an on air lecture about how Dickinson should NOT let his personal feelings influence his job....Never in my life have I wanted to hit Tony across the face with a baseball face more than I do now. I may have to increase his bounty....and this time, include his daughter in some way...I donít WANT to do it..but it may come to that.
-The lecture keeps on for a good 4 minutes......I kick my dog in the head because he is the nearest living thing and I need to vent my anger.
-Tony brings out Bret Hart....Tony loses his sack and speaks of Bret with a quiet deference....coward.
-Bret laughed at the Flair thing....saying, "You know, they are dropping like flies around here Gene."
-Bret has really turned into a kick ass interviewee by the way...he never fails to make me laugh.
-Anywhoo...after saying that Sting is in "some convalescence home...err...convalescing" (see what I mean? Itís a frigginí HOOT)...he said that even though he has a "groin injury the likes of which none of us has ever seen before"..he will STILL defend the US belt. So he invited Dallas Page out...
-Page comes out...and immediately takes a chair from the Giant...thus sparing us the agony of watching Page run through the crowd because he is cooler than all of us. God Bless the Giant.
-Then the Giant tosses away the big metal W and a big metal C that helps spell WCW on the side of the entrance way....he lifts up Page in a chokeslam and....
-Tony, "NO!!! NOOOOO!!! HE CANíT TAKE THE STEEL..DONíT YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!"
-Chokeslams Page into a platform..which is about 1 WHOLE INCH of what looks like fiberglass. Tony acts like he just saw Foley go sailing off the Hell in the Cell cage, "OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! THIS SPORT HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO BRUTAL BEFORE IN ITíS ENTIRE EXISTENCE!!!!!!!!!!! WRESTLING WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!!!! TJHIS...THIS..THIS...THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!! HOW COULD PAGE HAVE SURVIVED???? OH MY GOD!!"
-Bret walked away...Page pleaded with someone to run...nay...SPRINT..over here and attend to Page.....NOBODY has ever taken a fall like that!!.
-They showed it in slow motion 3 more times.....Tony sadly said that even though tonight was absolutely sickening.....it also results in possible the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....but he wasnít all that into it.
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-Third Hour zooms in....hey hey my my...will this show ever die?
-recap of what just happened.
-Konnan comes out with a Baseball player and a football player....I never heard of either
-Stevie Ray comes out with Booker T....that ends any interest I have in this
-Hey...George Steinbrenner is in the house!!!! Cheers.
-Hey...Eric Bischoff comes out for segment number 2!!!! Jeers.
-Bischoff is wearing glasses and a pullover shirt. You see kids, Eric Bischoff portrays a CHARACTER on television...a mean, arrogant, self serving, unimaginative little twerp. In REAL life....Eric Bischoff is still a mean, arrogant, self serving, unimaginative little twerp....but in real life, he wears glasses and a pullover shirt.
-Bischoff said "Screw Kayfabe...Iím getting real. Ric Flair has suffered, what appears to be, a mild heart attack.......I may have lost sight on what he has meant to this sport, but I know now...I apologize profoundly, I apologize to his wife...I want to look his kids in the eye and apologize.....and hopefully weíll see you back in action doing what you do so well....thank you.....
- "Oh yeah...Vince McMahon diddles bunny rabbits."
-Nice speech...it sounded as phony as a hookerís orgasm....(or any other chick when Hyatteís doing the humping)..and I didnít buy it for one second. The dude is so plastic he doesnít know how to sound legit anymore.
-Now..if he apologized to the fans for lousy Pay Per Views and bringing back Piper and Beefcake..then...maybe
-Gene brings out Booker T. Give me a yell when they move this angle between him and his Broí a bit faster than the actual passage of time.
-Ravenís Mom shows up and is blocked by the Dark Chyld. Kanyon shows up and offers to take her to Raven...anything with Kanyon is automatically ignored from here on out.
-Scott Hall vs Horace....in the third hour...my sentiments exactly.
-Tony announced that Funeral services for Flair will be held next Monday night live on Nitro at 9:00 oíclock......thatíll get the ratings.
-Tony also said that Flair would have wanted him to get to work and call this match..then he pimped out tonightís main event and Starrcade for the rest of this segment.
-The Nitro Girls...say howdy by using the seductive art of dancing.
-Van Hammer vs Scott Steiner...Horace and Hammer are working the FINAL THIRTY MINUTES OF THIS SHOW!!!!!! THE MAIN EVENT MINUTES IF YOU WILL!!!!!!!. This is the quickest Nitro I have ever fast forwarded through
-Then we get some mic work out of them. Steiner is the new leader of the NWO....must of been Bischoffís idea....Nash would have NEVER approved of that.
-Steiner called out Lex Luger to discuss the concept of him joining the NWO......it really is probably the best solution for both parties.
-Luger came out.....Buff did a pep talk....using the fact that Konnan never invited him to be in that rap video as an incentive to join up.....not exactly the direction I would use..but okay.
-They offered him an NWO t-shirt...Luger walked away smiling and....pondering. Tony turned up the speculation meter about 48 notches.
-Bam Bam Bigelow came out.....Buffer was not there.
-Nash came out......Buffer was not there
-Goldberg came out.....Tony claimed to hear the chant that wasnít there
-Aw Hell Itís been two weeks..going on three....here we go:
-On his way to the ring, Goldberg spotted an older Gentleman with deeply dark skin and a look of sadness in his eyes. He also was handcuffed to a man in a suit. He lumbered over to him and asked, "Whatís the problem Brutha?" The manís eyes teared up as he said that he was Cuban, and the US Immigration Agent who he is handcuffed to is going to deport him back to Cuba immediately following Nitro. Goldberg took one look into the Commie bastards eye and smiled gently...he laid a giant paw against his brow and a warm glow emitted from his body. The facial tics erupted with the force of a hurricane. Goldberg looked up to the sky and snarled his defiance at the hand of God....the old Cuban started to shake..then bright light exploded from out of him!! The light fizzled, the US Immigration agent was out cold, the handcuffs were off, and the Cuban Alien was transformed into a blonde haired, blue, eyed, white as a ghost, Apple pie eating AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!!!!! GOLDBERG HAS REARRANGED GENETICS AND DNA AND HAS TURNED A CUBAN NATIONAL INTO A RED BLOODED AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!!!!! OH MY HEAVENS IN ALL ITíS GLORY!!!! GOLDBERG HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
-The Cuban started to kiss Goldbergís hand...in a CLEAR American voice, he screamed, "OH THANK YOU MR. GOLDBERG!!!! I AM NOW AN AMERICAN!!! COME THE YEAR 200, I SHALL CAST MY FIRST PRESDIENTIAL VOTE FOR NONE OTHER THAN HULK HOGAN!!!!!!!!! OH PRAISE YOU MR. JEWISH PERSON!!!!!
-Goldberg was so enraged that this idiot would vote for Hogan, he scrawled the words "CUBA BLOWS" across the new Americanís forehead and punted him so hard he flew across Florida and landed in the middle of downtown Miami.....right in the middle of an illegal cock fight.....it wasnít pretty....oh no...not at all.
-Goldberg then hit the ring...smiling to himself about the irony of what he just did.
-Bam Bam went after Goldberg...Nash relaxed.
-Nash went after Goldberg...Bam Bam relaxed
-Goldberg relaxed and didnít bother to sell anything.
-Goldberg ducked a Nash boot.....then speared him
-Then Hall ran out and the bell rang......Bam Bam went after Hall and the other two stayed in the ring.
-Tony forgot about all the times he said that Nitro will stay on as long as it takes to give us the main events in their entirety....and said good night smack dab in the middle of this....
Horace and Van Hammer were in the last 30 minutes. Bischoff made Flair humiliated himself just as I said he would. Page went through some fiberglass and Tony acts like itís the most devestating thing he has ever seen. Bischoff tried to be real and came across as a bigger phony than before. Jericho rocks, Bret rocks, there was a Villano presence, and Norman Smiley scores a win..much to Tonyís outrage. I havenít missed squat in two weeks. RAW wins. Guess what time it is...
Okay. let me get this straight....Bob Ryder HEARS about an angle on RAW where Austin gets crucified and calls it the most disgusting act that Satan McMahon has ever perpetrated. He never saw it of course..but he HEARD of it. He calls it outrageous, intolerable, blasphemous, insensitive, and wails about the children...WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN DAMMIT?????
Then the show comes on....itís nowhere near as lude or controversial as it was pumped up as. Austin was practically standing on a board as he was lifted up...and it wasnít even a cross..it was the symbol for the Artist Formally Known as Prince.....
By the way...I truly doubt that when Jesus was being hoisted up there...he didnít look at the crowd and scream, "IíM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS MOTHER F***ERS!!!"...but since I wasnít there....he may very well have.
Anyway...Ralphus finally SAW the show...he knew DAMN well that it was nowhere near as bad as he assumed it would be.....but instead of coming online and saying.. "Thank Goodness it wasnít that bad"...he decided that he had too much pride and said..."IT WAS EVERY BIT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT IT WAS!!!! HOW DARE VINCE MCMAHON DRAG US INTO THE SEWER LIKE THIS!!!!! I BEG ALL OF YOU TO MAKE A STAREMENT TO MCMAHON AND TUNE TO NITRO!!!! EVERY MONDAY!!!! AND NOT BECAUSE I PLAY A SMALL ROLE IN IT EITHER!!!!
Hey..itís his opinion and he is welcome to it..no problems there.
But then he says he isnít biased
He is the guy Bischoff goes to for an Internet chat
But he isnít biased
He gets backstage on Nitro and had an exclusive 60 second interview with Flair on the night he came back.
But he isnít biased
He breaks the news that Hogan is set to retire before anyone...news that he could have only gotten through WCW.
But he isnít biased
HE IS A PART OF THE WCW/NWO HOTLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But he isnít biased.
Hey...cool...and you know what...I believe him too! Why shouldnít I? You see...I have ALL of his "Notes from Bob" saved and on floppy disk. So in preparing for this closer, I thought I would go through each of them and offer definitive PROOF that Bob is NOT a Bischoff brown nosing, WCW barnacle who tries to pass himself off as an objective journalist/commentator! And believe me...I found a BOATLOAD of quotes taken DIRECTLY FROM BOB that proves my points and his....Bob is a FAIR AND IMPARTIAL WEBMASTER......and the following quotes will offer substantial proof....
-"Imagine what Bischoff could have done with Austinís ĎStone Coldí gimmick"
-"I have never seen Scott Hall happier"
-"Piper is looking better than he has in 10 years"
-"Hogan was nothing before Bischoff came along."
-"This new Heel gimmick for McMahon will NEVER top Bischoffís Heel gimmick"
-"It seems to me that Austin is acting more and more like Goldberg"
- "Maivia is ruining his career by staying with McMahon"
-"I think giving Mick Foley three different characters is a disaster waiting to happen."
- "British Bulldogís jump to WCW was the smartest thing he has ever done."
- "Benoit should thank his lucky stars Bischoff is keeping him around"
- "I liked the rematch between Hogan and the Warrior"
- "The Disciple deserves a chance"
- "Horace earned his spot in WCW"
-"Vince wouldnít know creativity even if it french kissed him"
- "Jim Ross could take lessons from Tony Schiavone"
- "Bobby Heenanís wit has never been sharper"
- "The USA Network should be eliminated"
- "I see these ratings and I canít help but weep"
- "I wish Ric Flair a speedy recovery from his heart attack."
See what I mean? Totally unbiased and a true professional...GOD BLESS RALPHU...I MEAN BOB RYDER!!!!!!!
Thatís it for me. See you next week....no...really..I SWEAR!
Oh yeah...in two weeks...the MOP-UP YEAR IN REVIEW!!!! Itíll be a blast...unless I totally lose interest in it midway through....then Iíll drop it and slap together something fast on the fly.
Everyone sucks but me and Al Isaacs
This is Hyatte